All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s02e20 Back to Cool.eng

[♪]

[GUNSHOT]

Hey, Dad!
Ah!

TIM:
Oh, my eye!

Will you tie my shoe
like old times?

In old times,
they buckled their shoes.

[♪]

CLEVELAND: Steady.
Dad!

[GUNSHOT]

What?

Hi.
Hi.

[♪]

CLEVELAND:
One shot...

one kill.

One what, Daddy?

[GUNSHOT THEN GOAT BLEATS]

Damn it, Junior!
You just gave Diosanto

the keys to the whole cartel!

Entire villages will die.

Innocent women will be forced
to wear sombreros.

And all because you couldn't
give your dad some time alone.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustache face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Ah! A homeless blanket
touched me!

Yeah. Toddlers and Tiaras.

Five-year-old anorexics
forced to get spray tans.

Hey! I was watching
whatever that was!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Give me.

Gonna break something.
Now you broke something.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I hope that's a child murderer.

Close enough.

Hey, doughboy.
I'm here for my dough.

What are you talking about,
Robert?

I'm here for my alimony check,
which I'll take in cash.

Here you go, Robert.
What?

Why are we giving him alimony?

We're not. I am.

It was the only way I could get
him to finalize the divorce.

I never heard about this.

Oh, that's because I never
told you. Remember?

Oh, yeah.

Six hundred, seven hundred,
eight hundred.

Heh-heh-heh. Ex-husband.
Best job I ever had.

Well, second best.

In this experiment,
we'll be testing the effects

of massive amounts
of high-quality marijuana

on a man's ability to play video
games while having sex.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Science!

[RALLO GRUNTING]

Give it!
Ow!

I gotta booger
with your wrist's name on it.

Ah!

Argh! Right in the bridge.
Oh, getting the watery eye.

Water, not tears. Natural.

Heh-heh-heh.
Now that I'm flush,

I'm gonna go see
what that Chevron

with the Techron's all about.

No. No leave.

Get your mitts off me,
Romney.

You wanna keep getting
this monthly 'mony money,

you've gotta
do something for it.

And you can start
by taking your kids for the day.

My kids? This is alimony,
not child support.

Oh, do I really get to go with
you, Dad? Can I, Dad? Can I?

Dad. Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad.

All right, fine. I'll take them.

Terrific. Roberta,
you and Rallo are going--

With our Dad. I heard.

You always think you're talking
quieter than you are.

I'll go, but I'm keeping my ear
buds in the whole time.

Wish you had mouth buds.

See, I heard that too.

Ah. Finally.
I can hear myself think.

CLEVELAND:
I wonder how the Captain and Tennille met.

I would hate to smell
the inside of his hat.

Hmm. Nice to have time
for these thoughts.

Dad, will you check
the toilet for monsters?

I have to go the sit kind.

Daddy, please, no. I don't wanna
go with Mr. Robert.

He's felonious.
Need time alone.

Whatever you're paying him,
I'll double it.

I'll miss you.
You'll be fine.

If you don't like what
you're doing,

use your imagination.
Argh!

Bye.

All right, they're gone.

That means we have
the house all to ourselves.

And the bedroom.
Heh, heh.

We can do whatever we want.

CLEVELAND:
Oh, yes!

Consumer Reports says
that toaster oven

we got is the best
in the price range!

Hoo-dy-hoo!

[♪]

[BARKING AND GROWLING]

Now, all the dogs
are blindfolded,

so it's a fair fight.

But if they start wilding out,

we're gonna have
to scram right quick.

Junior, they'll come
after you first

because they'll smell
your salty meat sweat.

But you're big.
You can handle them.

That genie was right.

"Salty meat sweat"
was a bad wish.

Oh, what a day.

Watched Eve's Bayou, long nap,

watched Eve's Bayou again,
another nap,

back to the Bayou,

ordered in, had them bring it
upstairs to the bedroom,

ate it and here we are.

Fool, be quiet. I'm trying
to watch Eve's Bayou.

Eve's Bayou's on?

I thought it wasn't supposed
to be on HBO Urban East

until midnight.
It's past midnight.

So the kids came home,
right?

[BOTH SCREAMING]

No Rallo.
No Junior.

No Roberta.

No clean towels.
They're in the dryer.

Who's gonna fold them
now that Junior's gone?

Calm down.
I'll just call Robert.

[RINGING]

All right, I'll get it.

Hello? No, you listen
to me, Drake.

The CIA wants
their microchip back,

they gotta dig it out
of my brain themselves.

Wait, why is my ear bleeding?

Oh, God, they're trying
to take it.

[RAT SQUEAKING]

[PANTING]

Squeaky, you've been
compromised.

You're putting us all in danger.

[SQUEALING]

I'm sorry, Squeaky.
It's just the game.

You gotta get
before you get got.

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNSHOT]

He's not picking up.

[♪]

Cleveland, how can you
take a shower

when the kids are missing?

You know I shower
when I'm scared.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, thank God.
Robert, where the hell were you?

Clowning around with
these turkeys. Ha, ha.

Boy, you crazy.
Heh, heh. Gobble, gobble.

Are you okay, Junior?

Oh, yeah. Mr. Robert took us
to Chick-fil-A.

Heh-heh-heh. Oh, man.
Kid ate five sandwiches.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

And remember how many
chicken sandwiches I ate?

Kid's a genius too.

He told me a pattern
for the Ms. Pac Man machine.

Two-thirds.
I ate two-thirds of a sandwich.

Gave the rest to a bird.

Now I call this kid
Pac-Man.

Because he's round
and eats everything in sight.

Whoa, whoa!
Where did that come from?

Pac-Man is good people.
Bad Rallo.

Well, Robert,
since you and the "Pac-Man"

hit it off so well,

maybe you should take him
more often.

That way, I could spend
more time

with my Popsicle-stick houses.

Hmm?

Don't worry, me and
the big guy'll hang out again.

See you, Pac-Man.
Stay black, man.

[LAUGHING]

Later, Rallo.

Oh, I'm about
to start acting out hardcore.

Relax,
this is just temporary.

Like lesbianism
at women's colleges.

So let me be the first to say,

you are all officially
college graduates.

ALL:
We need to talk.

You're a pretty little house.

I wanna put you by the seashore
and grow old in you.

Spend my days inside you
making houses

of even tinier materials,
such as toothpicks.

So then Dumbledore put
on the invisibility cloak,

and entered the Deathly Hallows.

Oh, man, that's crazy.

So how do you know
this dude again?

Well, it looks like
you two had fun.

I'll say.

Pac-Man here taught me
Morse code.

All right. See you tomorrow.

Dot-dot-dash, dot-dot-dash,
dot-dash, dot-dash.

Ha-ha-ha. Oh, you sick.

You're taking him out
again tomorrow?

Yeah, I'm gonna give him
some pointers

on getting
with that girl he likes.

Elaine Boozler?

No, you know, Joanna.
From school?

She's all the boy talks about.

Huh. I don't remember him
mentioning a Joanna to me.

Or that he goes to school.
I'm not surprised.

Do you realize
this chump's never even had

"the talk" with Junior?

You haven't?

I'm going to do it
when he becomes a man,

on his 18th birthday,

and is headed to university.

Yeah, well, since
you ain't man enough,

I'm gonna give Junior
the sex talk.

Later, fool.

I'm gonna give him the sex talk!

You're not the expert
just because you've had sex,

with four of the six women

I've had sex with,
plus a lot more!

And I really wish I wasn't
shouting this out the door,

in front of the neighbors
and our Lord.

TIM:
Amen!

Sure is beautiful out here,
isn't it, Junior?

I guess so.

The perfect setting
for a father-son talk.

Waves tickling our toes,

salt air filling our lungs,
seashells are everywhere.

Do you hear the ocean, Daddy?
I wanna talk to an octopus.

Just a moment, Junior.
Daddy's on the phone.

Yep. Mm-hm. Yeah.
I'll let him know.

Junior, the ocean says

there's a girl
at school you're sweet on.

The ocean knows about Joanna?
Mm-hm.

And I know you're becoming a man

and there's a few things
you should know.

Ice-breaker, did that.
Shell phone bit, that worked.

Becoming a man. Ugh. Here we go.

In nature, certain things
are meant to fit together.

Like a bird in its nest,

or a hand in a glove
or a hot dog in a doughnut.

So being a man
means I can eat doughnut dogs?

Perhaps I was less than clear.
Let me skip ahead.

When a woman truly loves a man,

she lies down
in bed next to him,

takes his most special treasure
and cuts it.

And that's why you have
a belly button.

And my cards seem
to be out of order.

Well, you basically get it.

Now, as for Joanna, try
to initiate physical contact.

Arrange to have a soda
sprayed all over her shirt.

Ask the albino kid, he's dying
to be included in something.

Then just happen to walk by
with a roll of paper towels.

And that will work?

If I know soda as well as
I think I do,

yeah, ahem, it'll work.

[♪]

Talk to me.
How'd it go with Joanna?

Tell me everything.

I asked her to the movies.
She said no.

What?
Did you do the soda thing?

Yeah, the albino kid
missed his cue.

Hmm. He's probably beating
himself up

worse than we ever could.

You know what, Dad?

Thanks for your help,

but I think I'm just not ready
for girls yet.

Well, then, why don't you
and I go to the movies tonight?

It'll be great.

We'll sneak in some drinks,
sneak in some popcorn.

Heck, we could even take us
a couple po' boys in there.

What do you say, champ?

I think I'm just gonna
chill out in my room.

CLEVELAND:
That po', po' boy.

Now all I can think about

is eating a s-s-sandwich
at the m-m-movies.

You're not fooling anybody,

sneaking that food
into the theater.

Just keep moving.
The soup's starting to burn.

Hey, there's Robert.

And there's Joanna.

Robert's dating Joanna?

Oh, Junior's gonna
be devastated.

And I can't imagine
Joanna's father will be--

Oh, no, there's Junior.

Oh, that must have been awkward,

riding between Robert and Joanna
on the way to their creepy date.

Cleveland, Junior's
on the date with Joanna.

But that doesn't make sense.
Junior told me she said no.

Thanks for the ride,
Mr. Brown.

Thanks for the gas money,
Joanna.

Heh, heh. See you after
the show, Dad.

[♪]

Are you ready to order?
We're gonna need a minute.

[♪]

I can't believe
Junior's calling Robert "Dad."

I carried that boy
for nine months.

It was when he was 12.

He was scared
to touch the ground.

Convinced himself
everything was hot lava.

Maybe that's part
of the problem, Cleveland.

You baby him.

Robert treats him like a man.

Mm. Used to treat me
like a man too.

What does that mean?
Bye-bye.

Hey, Dad, let me cop
a hit off that juice bag.

I thought Robert was your Dad.
Huh.

That's right.
I saw you at "the theater."

Why would you call Robert "Dad"?

Well, the thing is,

and I'm sorry to have
to get real like this,

but he's cooler than you, Dad.

C--? C-Cooler?

Yeah, I mean, your idea,
that whole albino mess?

I never stood a chance.

But Robert,
he knows what women want.

DONNA:
Yep.

Look, Dad, I'm not trying
to replace you with Robert.

And you best believe
I'm still coming to you

for things like taxes
and the best laundry detergent.

Wisk.
Right.

So you cool?

Yeah, I'm cool.
No, no, Dad.

You're not cool.
Heh, heh. This guy.

He sweet but he no listen.

[♪]

Junior's wrong about me.
I'm cool, right, guys?

Course, you're cool,
bro.

Would I call you "bro"
if you weren't cool?

Probably would.
I call everybody bro.

'Sup, bro.

I don't know, Cleveland.

I have to admit,

when I imagined having
a black friend in my mind,

I was picturing
more of an Isaac Hayes type.

He is pretty cool.

Maybe if I shaved my head--

No, I got that hot dog
roll back there.

That wouldn't look good at all.

[GROANS]

Hey, I'm way cooler than Robert.

If only there was some way
to prove it.

"Coolympics."
What?

"The Coolympics."
A rigorous series of events

judged by a panel of experts...

...to determine
which contestant is cooler.

I know what a damn
Coolympics is, fool.

Well, I challenge you
to one of those.

It's obviously the only way

I can win back
the love of my son.

Please. Every four years,

some nerd challenges me
to a Coolympics.

I ain't lost yet. I'm in.

See you
at the Coolympics, chump.

Come on, Pac-Man.
Wakka-wakka-wakka.

You're Coolympic'ing
against him? Listen, dummy.

There's only one way you're
gonna win this thing

and that's if I coach you.

You want me to win?
No, I want him to lose.

My dad ditched me
just like Junior ditched you.

Time to make him pay.

Yeah.

We're gonna make him pay!
Stop it.

Here's the problem right here.

This is not cool.
We're gonna make him pay!

We're gonna make him pay.
Put me down. I don't like this.

LYNCH:
Welcome, one and all, to the Coolympics.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Remember, we have absolutely
no street permits

for this event.

So if the cops come,
run like hell.

And now to our contestants,

Cleveland Lou Albano Brown
and Robert.

[CHEERING]

And now, to judge
this epic battle,

we've gathered
the three coolest men alive,

who agreed to be here

because they were misled about
the nature of this competition.

From the LBC,
Mr. Calvin "Snoop Dogg" Broadus.

[CROWD CHEERING]

If you wanna see
my giraffe naked,

go to Snoop Dogg-dot-tv.

I also got a tiger
having sex with a pelican.

Nice. Our next judge
takes a lot of credit

while gravity does the work.

Please welcome the only
professional skateboarder

in the universe, Tony Hawk.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Even my board gets mad play.

Ha, ha. He's so radical.

Oh, and here's our final judge,

all the way from Cloud City,
Lando Calrissian.

[CHEERING]

You no good, low-down,
Coolympians.

[CROWD GASP]

Ha-ha-ha. Just kidding.

I'm nice and cool.

I've never heard
of these judges.

And Cleveland Brown has lost
the first event,

"Recognizing Cool People."

Oh.

We move on
to our second event:

"Getting a Hot Bartender's
Attention."

And go.

Excuse me, sir,
are you in line?

If I could just scoot by... Ah.

Oh. Uh, hi.

[ROBERT & BARTENDER MOANING]

Uh, pardon.
When you get a second,

may I get an iced
Earl Grey please? With a cherry.

LYNCH:
Time.

Let's see what the judges
thought. Snoop?

The guy getting ass always wins.

You got that right,
friend.

Okay, our next event
is "Looking Cool In Jeans."

Gentlemen, show us what you got.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, ha-ha-ha. He went
acid-washed. We got this one.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

What the--? Jean shorts?

That's not what
I picked out for you.

Called an audible.

When you got the legs,
you show them off.

[CROWD LAUGHING]

[♪]

Not bad. Now turn around
and make it clap.

Beg pardon?

No, that's a dude.
Man, I'm up out of here.

See ya'll, man, I'm gone.

[GIRAFFE INHALES]

Whoo!

For our final event,
and just for a little tension,

let's say whoever wins this
wins the whole thing.

"Who Can Get Michael Buble
on the Phone the Fastest?"

Who the fuck
is Michael Buble?

Michael, is that you?
It's Cleveland.

I got him.
I got Buble on the phone.

I win the Coolympics! I win!

Trick event.
Michael Buble ain't cool.

Sorry, buddy. I had no choice.

And by a score of 85 to nothing,

Robert wins the Coolympics.

Whatever, I don't care.
86 to nothing.

[CHEERING]

Wait a minute.
I have something to say.

Wow, thought it would take
a little more time

to get your attention.

Uh--

Okay. What I want
to say is this:

I did all this because
I want my son to love me.

And if that's not cool,
then I don't want to be cool.

MAN:
Good, because you're not.

Who said that?

MAN:
Me. But I'm speaking for everyone.

Is that true?
CROWD: Yes.

[CROWD BOOING]

All I wanted to do
was make my Dad jealous,

and you're too lame
to even help me do that.

Jealous? Why?

Because you ditched me
for Cleveland, Jr.

Come on, Rallo.
Junior needs help.

Look where he comes from.

That's assault.
I'm gonna sue you all.

But you came from my groins.
You were born cool.

Hey, Junior.
Where's your little girlfriend?

Tony Hawk said
he was gonna show her

how to do a backside ollie,

but we all know
what that means.

Well, that's understandable.

Did you mean all that
embarrassing stuff you said

about doing this for my love?

Yeah.
I thought that was nice.

And being nice is more important
than being cool.

And maybe this makes me uncool,
but I love you, Dad.

It does make you uncool.

Come on, son. Let's go home.

What a stressful experience.

I'm definitely sleeping
in your bed tonight.

DONNA:
That's fine, because I'm not.

[LANDO LAUGHING]

LANDO:
Works every time.

Ah, who could blame her?

[♪]

[English - US - Line 21]

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