All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s02e17 To Live and Die in VA.eng

[HORNS HONKING]

[♪]

CLEVELAND:
♪ When the day is long

♪ And the night

♪ The night is yours alone

♪ When you're sure
You've had enough ♪

♪ Of this life

♪ Hang on

♪ Don't let yourself go ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody cries ♪

♪ And everybody hurts

[MUSIC STOPS]

You've given me an idea.
No time to waste.

Wait, do you still have
that Moses staff?

Sure do.

And...part!

Had it backwards.
[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Terry, do I have
tiny Jews in my hair?

Yeah, it looks like it.
[LAUGHS]

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustache face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪

[LAUGHS]

[♪]

The Spanish ice cream
truck's back.

Let's buy some pot.

Oh, just Cleveland.

Hey, can we buy some pot?

Marijuana is illegal
and immoral.

No, wait. That's cocaine.

No,
I don't have any marijuana.

I am here to talk to you about
selling beer on the freeway.

That's right,
I've invented a beer truck.

The business strategy
is in your investment packets.

I'm in.
Me too.

I just gotta show
this to my lawyer.

I don't know Cleveland.

It's just that me and Kendra

have been sort of
in-between jobs

for the last 34 years.

Money's a little tight.

But if you invest
what little money you have

in my beer truck idea,

you're guaranteed to make
a million dollars or less.

Fine. I'll ask my wife.

Oh, yeah. If there are two
things women are great at,

it's managing money
and not killing dreams.

Ha.

[ALL LAUGHING]

So I thought
if I took our savings,

our couch money,
and redeemed our Camel bucks--

But that scrilla's gotta
last us our whole lives.

I mean, what are the odds
of me falling in Walmart again?

Please.

No, Lester. The answer is no.

Now, why don't you get
in here with me?

How?

[♪]

[LAUGHING]

Come on, Rallo. You're up.

Rallo, you've grown
a foot and a half.

Young man, it is time
I give you another haircut.

No offense, Mama, but I'm ready
to get a real haircut

from someone who's qualified
to cut hair.

Oh, so suddenly my masters
in cosmetology means nothing?

Yeah, suddenly.

Well, then I guess I can't help
you with that.

Little smart-ass.

I now christen
thee Beer Force One.

[CHEERING]

Guys, wait for me!

It's Lester.
What's he doing?

Looks like he's jogging
and carrying a big jar of money.

That's how McConaughey
works out.

I'm in!

I knew you'd come around.
We need you.

Give me your hand!

[♪]

Cleveland, slow down a little.

He's not gonna make it!

The hell he's not.

I'm gonna slow down
a little more.

[GRUNTING]
Oh. Oh.

[BOTH SOBBING]

[POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]

Two lights, two regulars.
Two lights, two regulars.

We're tapped out.

Sorry, folks.
That's all for today.

MAN:
Come on.

We've really done
something here today.

TIM:
Guys, you might wanna come out here and take a look at this.

[PEOPLE GROANING]

Oh, well. I guess we've learned
not to invest our own money

in our harebrained ideas.

Good night, everybody.

Whoa, whoa, Cleveland.

I put everything
I had into this truck.

I'm screwed. Bankrumpt.

It's "rupt."

Hey,
you guys moving?

What? No.
I told you Cleveland.

We've lost everything
and it's all your fault.

You tricked me with your
Obama-like eloquence,

and "tell you no lie" mustache.

Ma'am, we're gonna
need your Rascal.

Oh, not the Rascal!

I'm sorry.

[GRUNTING]
[WHIMPERING]

Hey, Tony, we got a fatty.
Little bologna here?

[GROWLS]

Oh.

You come back here
with that bologna.

There goes your house.

Kendra, I'll do whatever
it takes to make this right.

I'll be at mother's.

[GRUNTING]

Thanks a lot, Cleveland.

Oh. Leak.

MAN [ON TV]:
And they're off.

Hey.

Murray.
And a black kid.

Boys, this is my friend, Rallo,
and he needs a man's haircut.

Rallo, this is Vinnie.

Oh, Rallo. Forget about it.

Well, that seems authentic.

Hey, grab a magazine

and tell me what
we're doing today.

Just take me back down
to a Lionel Jefferson.

Whoa, these ladies are naked.

I mean, I've seen plenty
of naked ladies in my--

Oh, she ain't got no wiener.
What happened to her wiener?

Someone got it.

Just like I got your nose.

[CHUCKLES]

She never had a wiener, did she?

She's had lots
of wieners, Rallo.

[♪]

[KENDRA GRUNTING]

Oh, hey, it's you.
You ever catch that bologna?

Read this.

"Blah, blah, blah, failure.

"Blah, blah, blah,
life not worth living.

Blah, blah, blah, blah."

Misspelled "suicide."

Who is this even from?

It's from Lester,
and he says he's driving

your dang beer truck
over Suicide Falls.

My deposit! And Lester.

[♪]

Oh, there he is!

He might make it across.

Nope. He gone.

[PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]

We gather here today to mourn
the loss of Lester Krinklesac.

One could never know what
would drive a man

to take his own life.

Oh, wait. I have
his suicide note right here.

Let me read it.

Huh.

Apparently,
he met financial ruin

after some damn fool
convinced him

to invest in a,
get this, beer truck.

Oh, boy. Here we go.
Blame the beer truck.

I do not blame the beer truck,

but the greed
and the dumb-ass-itude

of whoever was behind
the beer truck.

Swearing during a funeral.
He's swearing during a funeral.

I know.
I just feel so terrible.

He was my friend,
and I made him do this.

Yes, you did.

You killed this man as surely
as Cain killed Abel

or Ebert killed Siskel!

Two thumbs down to the serpent
who led Lester astray,

for he shall burn in hell!

[SOBBING]

Ahem. Well, at least
we'll be in hell together.

Me? Why?

Because of all
your texting and driving.

Driving is boring.

You did this.

All right. Drive safe.

You know, we should offer
to take her in.

Or at least make
an empty gesture.

Hey, Kiki,
taking a little break?

Well, being a widow
ain't as glamorous

as Courtney Love makes it look.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

So, Kendra, you need a place
to stay or, no, you're fine?

Fine. I wouldn't wanna
be a burden.

Then say no.

But then again, if it will ease
some of your guilt,

I suppose it's
the least I can do.

DONNA [IN THE DISTANCE]:
The least you can do is not do it.

Donna, she is
a shamefully obese widow.

She's staying with us.

By the way, how's Ernie?

He's away at the job he took
when we lost the money.

[ALL GRUNTING]

Oh, God! My legs!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Never a dull moment, huh?

[MAN SCREAMING]

[CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

You boys watching
The Squeakquel?

No, I was just telling
them a joke

I heard at Murray's barbershop.

Suffice it to say, it has to do
with a traveling salesman,

and a farmer's
daughter with teeth

in a place you might not expect.

[LAUGHING]

Agh!
You are not to set foot

in that disgusting
barbershop ever again.

Oh, man.
Murray and his friends

are so lucky
their mamas are dead.

Oh, damn, Rallo.

I know.
I shouldn't have said it.

God, please don't take my mama.

[♪]

Miss Kendra ate
all the marshmallows

out of my cereal.

That's just fantastic.
Sorry, Junior.

But she's only here
for a few days,

and, actually, some people eat
cereal without marshmallows.

Well, not me. The floor can have
this because it's useless.

I'm going to Denny's
for some pancakes.

Did somebody say pancakes?

Oh, man.

KENDRA:
Oh, oh, Cleveland.

Check it, homes.

Your air mattress
done went flat on me.

That wasn't
an air mattress.

It was a $1500
Sealy Posturepedic pillow top.

Well, now it's a flat toilet.
Oh, God.

[♪]

Oh, I gotta get back
to that barbershop.

Hold still, Legolas.

We don't want your silky,
flaxen tresses

to get caught in your bowstring,

at the Battle of Helm's Deep.

Or maybe I'll bring
the barbershop to me.

You're pretty.

Prettier than I'll ever be.

[GRUNTING]

[CHUCKLES]

I'm just playing.

[♪]

Yes, Kendra. I've come all the
way to the Fluvanna County Mall,

and you're right,
they do make Kevlar pantyhose.

[SIGHS]

Mannish by Hilary Swank?

Lester?

Oh, my God, Lester.
You're alive.

Pardon me, my dear sir.

But I do believe you have
me confused with someone else.

As you can see here on
my nameplate, my name is Lestah.

I'm sorry. I had you
confused with some--

Ah-ha!

[SHRIEKS]

I got Swank eye.
I reek of false humility.

Lester, wait.

I'll buy two bottles
of that cologne.

You mean it?
Yes.

You buy three
you get a folding umbrella.

I don't need three.

Lester, you've gotta come home.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

All right, I'll buy three.

But, Lester, how did you do it?

I mean, I saw you drive
over that cliff.

You saw what
looked like me appear

to drive over
what seemed like a cliff.

Actually, it was a cliff.

That was probably confusing.
Here, let me explain.

LESTER:
As the truck headed toward the cliff,

I deftly maneuvered
the door lock mechanism

into its unlock mode.

Then, I wrapped my fingers

around the door release lever
and applied pressure,

causing the door to swing free
on its hinges.

With no time to spare,

I sent an electrical impulse

from my brain
to my leg muscles,

instructing them to extend
quickly and forcefully,

thus propelling my body
out of the vehicle.

So you jumped out of the truck.
Yup.

And you faked
your death. But why?

[SIGHS]

Haven't you ever
felt like the world

would be better off without you?

[♪]

♪ My name is Glenn Quagmire
And I say ♪

♪ Gig-ged-dee

♪ Gig-geddy-gig-ged-dee

♪ Giggy-giggy-giggy
Ged-dee ♪

No. The world needs me.

[♪]

LESTER:
Well, here it is.

Check it out, Cleveland.
Futon, not too bad.

Mini-fridge, not too bad.

My roommate, Dean Cain, bad.

Your wife needs you, and I need
you to get her out of my house.

She's turned the place
into Jabba's Palace.

[DRUMS BEATING]
Yum, yum.

Agh!

[LAUGHING]

That was the whole joke?

Oh, I sat
in the damn makeup chair

for seven hours for this.

Look, I've been with Kendra

since my sophomore year
in high school,

when she was
my guidance counselor.

She guided me to drop out
of school and shack up with her.

She was
a horrible guidance counselor.

My point is,

I've never had a chance to live
on my own without Kendra.

And I found out it's great.
I can do whatever I want.

Don't you get it? When I died,
I finally felt alive.

And I'm never going back.

Well, I guess the Lester
I knew is dead.

Goodbye, Cleveland.

You better get out of here
before Dean Cain gets home.

He is a horrible human being.

Kids, good news.
[SNORING]

Bomb threat at the school.
Mama's home early.

[BLUES MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

Sweet pearls and Jheri curls!

Here's your cut, big man.

Oh, boy.
Thanks, Mr. Rallo.

Mama.

Rallo, why are all
these men in my kitchen?

[GASPS]

Are they smoking my cigars?

Miss Donna,
you need to relax.

Have a seat, honey.
My chair is a no-stress zone.

Uh-uh. Junior, nobody touches
my hair. Not even me.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

We all know it's a wig.

Now, let's see what we can do
with what God gave you.

[♪]

Well, what do you think?

Ooh, I look like Beyoncé.
Well...

[GRUNTING]

Kiki, this is very hard.

I have no idea how to tell you
that Lester's alive.

But, what I wanna say is--
Lester's alive?

Oh, see, she already knows.

And here I am walking
on eggshells.

And bacon and garlic toast
and chili cheese fries.

And what's that green thing?

Piece of lettuce
I picked off a burger.

[♪]

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Mama, look at all these women.
You've ruined my barbershop.

Just like that Beauty Shop movie
ruined the Barbershop franchise.

Again, Rallo,
just because we're black,

that doesn't mean
we have to pretend

Barbershop was a good movie.

Oh, heck with this.
I'm going back to Vinnie's.

You most certainly
are not, young man.

Oh, I'm not? You realize Junior
answers to me.

If I say the word, you go back
to looking like James Brown.

♪ Hit me

Fine, go.

Look who's back,
you old buzzards.

I'm sorry.
Our memories are not what--

It's Rallo.

Rallo.
Hey, Rallo.

[ALL COUGHING]

Hey, Rallo.
Here's a 20.

Run down
to the liquor store

and pick us up
a bottle of gin,

a bottle of Scotch
and a box of matches,

so you got something
to play with

while we get drunk
and take our naps.

All right.

Hm. I'm gonna try something.

Look who's back,
you old buzzards.

I'm sorry, our memories
are not what--

It's Rallo.

Rallo.
Hey, Rallo.

[ALL COUGHING]

Hey, give me 20 bucks.

I'll run down
to the liquor store,

and pick up a bottle of gin
and a bottle of Scotch.

Good idea.

[♪]

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Hey, Cleveland.
I'm glad you came back.

I forgot to show you something.

Just got this.
They call it a shower curtain.

I reckon
it's so when you pee,

it don't spray
all over the floor.

Lester, listen.

There's someone
who wants to talk to you.

[GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Kendra.

Lester Krinklesac,
you pack your stuff,

and you get your skinny behind

back to our home right now.
[MEN GRUNTING]

I'm tired of you telling
me what to do.

I'm in charge here.

I have my freedom.
I have my self-respect.

And I have a jar of mayonnaise
without finger marks inside it.

Mayonnaise is a finger food.
MAN: Talk faster.

You know why I took
that money, Kendra?

Because I thought that
if this beer truck worked,

I'd have finally done
something that you're proud of.

And you'd start respecting me.

You're right.

I don't respect you
like I should,

but I'm gonna
start trying really hard.

[MEN GRUNTING]

[MEN GRUNTING, GROANING]

MAN:
Together!

I'm sorry, Lester.

I love you.

I'll do whatever it takes
to get you to come back

and stay on Cleveland's couch
with me for the next few months.

[GROANS]

Oh, Lester.

MAN 1: Don't do that!
MAN 2: We're losing her.

Mm.
[MEN YELLING]

[YELLING]
[CRASHING]

Kendra!
I'm okay.

But both my legs is broken.

And I crushed Dean Cain.

No one will miss him.
And we'll sue the movers.

[CHUCKLES]

We're back in business.

Cleveland, we're going home.

Hooray, everything worked
out for everybody!

Hey, look. Them fins remind me
of that movie.

♪ Da-da-dum-dum
Ba-da-bum-bum ♪

♪ Ba-ba-bum-bum
Ba-da-bum-bum ♪

♪ Ba-ba-bum-bum

[♪]

[English - US - Line 21]

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