All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s02e09 Murray Christmas.eng

Ah, the weekend starts here.

MAN [ON TV]:
And now a sporting event.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

Is it Sunday night already?

Another weekend of us
doing absolutely nothing.

Ha. Look at us, a couple
of good for nothing, lazy bums.

What? You do nothing.
I've been--

[SNORING]

[SIGHS]

Two bums.

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪

♪ With my new family

♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where everyone will know

♪ My happy mustache face

♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪

[LAUGHS]

[CLEVELAND SNORING]

[YAWNING]

You do nothing every weekend.
I work my tail off.

What?
Last night, you said--

Wait. You sat here all night
waiting to scold me?

Why didn't you wake me up?

I tried.

[SNORES]

[BLARING]

[SNORING]

Ha, ha. Booze.

Cleveland, I cook, clean, watch
the kids, bring home the bacon--

[SNORING]

Cleveland. I do everything
around here

and I even make time
for all my charity work.

Which is what defines me.

Wait a minute. Charity work?

We've watched every episode
of this show.

I've never seen her
do any charity.

Dude, they can't show
everything.

We don't see every time she goes
to the bathroom.

We see every time Cleveland goes
to the bathroom.

Look, he's going right now.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

As I was saying,
I have a charity too.

I give money
to feeble-minded black children.

Their names are
Rallo and Roberta.

I'm talking about a real
charity, you selfish fool.

Like the one I'm involved in,
Crutched by an Angel.

We provide walkers
and wheelchairs

for the disabled
and the extremely lazy.

Me, selfish?

You might give
a kid a wheelchair.

I'd rather teach that child
to walk and to dance.

[♪]
[OWL HOOTING]

Jamie?

Jamie?

Come on, this isn't funny
anymore.

It's cold and I'm only wearing
a very thin little T-shirt

and tiny little panties.

Don't go out there,
you hot dummy.

[SCREAMING]

[BOTH YELL]

[SCREAMING]

Sick, man. Turn it off,
turn it off.

Calm down, ladies.

I'll go get my mom's gun in case
anybody tries to break in.

RALLO [SHRIEKING]:
Help.

[♪]

[SCREAMING]

[CRYING]

[LAUGHING]

Damn, that felt good.

You shouldn't do that
to people, Rallo.

What? Yeah,
I guess you're right--

[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, man. Scaring people is...

[GROWLS]
[YELLS]

...ha, ha, fun.

I could get used to...

[GROWLS]
[YELLS]

...ha, ha, this.

Seriously, man, ease up.

You know I have
cardiac myopathy.

[GROWLS]
[SCREAMS]

Oh, I'm gonna have
fun with this.

Can you throw down
my nitroglycerin pills?

Rallo, you there?

[RALLO GROWLS]

[WALT SHRIEKS, SOBS]

[♪]

Just because Donna's got
her charity,

she thinks she can
call me selfish.

But no one leaves more pennies

in the
leave-a-penny-take-a-penny cup

than I. No one.

Do you take many?
Irrelevant.

I did some charity once.
Boned an ugly chick.

Last Cinco de Mayo.
Terrible skin.

Just laid there.
Woke up next morning.

Turned out she was a piñata
shaped like SpongeBob.

Drove to my niece's
sixth birthday party.

Didn't need to buy a present.
Two birds. One bone.

Screw charity.

Man, you know, I pledged $50
to stop diabetes

and then I find out

that there's still diabetes
and I-I'm like, "What?"

Man, talk about a rip-off.

Hell, pledge me a dollar
for every beer I drink.

Cleveland, I'm a genius.

The four of us will hold
an event right here

where people pledge money

for every beer we drink.

And we'll give all the proceeds
to Donna's charity.

It's a-- A Beer Walk.

Beer Walk, Beer Walk, Beer Walk

[ROBERTA & FEDERLINE
MOANING, KISSING]

Chucky.
[BOTH SCREAMING]

I just blapped my pants.

[LAUGHING]

Vroom, vroom.

Beep, beep.

Vroom.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALL CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

Thanks for coming to get drunk
for charity, guys.

Yeah, whatever.
Fox is paying us.

Wow, Cleveland. I figured
it was gonna be all black guys,

but this is great.

Missed you.
I came as soon as I heard.

Then I drove straight down.
Giggity-giggity.

Comedy-comedy.

But seriously, Joe.

Thank you for coming here

to help with
our charity function

for the disabled.

You do know I hear perfectly
well, don't you, Cleveland?

I know you're trying.

Brave, brave, Joe.

[JOE YELLS]

What do you think
of Cleveland's old friends?

Gay.
Damn right, gay.

Yeah, you guys are so gay.

Gay, gay, gay, so gay.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Really progressive
thinking friends

you got there, Cleveland.

Yeah, they like to throw around
negatively inflected labels.

You guys are the gays.

No, Joe.
Joe, please.

Hi, Peter. Hi, Quagmire.
And you must be Joe.

Hi, I'm Donna. Cleveland's wife.

Hello.

Does your penis work?

Uh, sort of.

[ALL GROAN]

What's that supposed to mean?

Born on the Fourth of July.

I don't know. Ron Kovic.
Hey, can I do your wife?

Look, Cleveland,

as long as this Beer Walk
stunt helps people

I'll put up with it.

But I want you and everyone else

to see what our organization
is really about.

[TENDER MUSIC PLAYING]

This is Ethan.

Little Ethan is 9 years old
and he's never--

CLEVELAND:
Show us your jugs.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Okay, buzz-kill terminated.

Let's get this tax-deductible
party started.

[ALL CHEERING]

ALL:
Chug, chug, chug...

May--? May I have
a glass of water?

Hey, Gus, how are those potato
skins coming?

Bear down. End of Beer Walk.

These chowderheads
consumed 334 beers.

That means they raised
an approximate total of--

Carry the one...

...$334.
[ALL CHEERING]

Yes. I'm better than you, Donna.

Hey, Cleveland,
we're gonna just take off.

What? Already?

Yeah, we're--
We're gonna beat the traffic.

Come on.

Come on. Come on, Mr. Keys.

Here, key, key, key.

Bye, dicks.

Okay, bye.

[SIGHS]

I am the champions, my friend.

That's enough, Cleveland.
Let's go home.

Will you wash me?

Oh, hold up, there's a unicycle.

Hey, Uncle Sam,
can I borrow your unicycle?

It's not mine.

Cleveland, no.

You're not the boss
of me, are you?

Hey, y'all wanna see me ride
a unicycle drunk off my ass?

[ALL CHEERING]

ALL:
Cleveland, Cleveland...

Cleveland, no. I will not allow
you to break your neck.

Yes, you will. For charity.

Pull the blocks away.

Cleveland, Cleveland,
Cleveland...

God, why?

[ALL GASP]

[GROANS]

Donna?

Donna, are you all right?

Oh, Donna.

[GIGGLES]

Look.

Oh, Donna. Oh!

[♪]

Oh, Donna, I can't help feeling
that somehow

in some way, this is my fault.

Good thing, Dr. Fist says,

"Tomorrow, you'll
be right as rain."

No, fat-face. He said, six
to eight weeks if she's lucky.

But you're still gonna be able

to keep up your housework,
right?

I mean, you don't cook
with your legs.

All right, I get it.
I'll do the house cleaning.

And take care of the kids.

And you'll have to take over
my responsibilities

with my charity.

Roberta, your breasts.
Sorry.

Don't worry, Donna dear.
I'll take care of everything.

By your side, I am.
And by your side, I'll stay.

[SCREAMING]

[MAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER PA]

[GRUNTING]

Is this true, El Hamburguesa?

Your name is Cleveland Brown?

You have another wife
and children?

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

Cleveland, what are you doing?

He's humping the air.

Like our dog used to do

before he crushed it to death.

Like he tried to do to you.

[♪]

What is taking you so long
to make a stupid frozen pizza?

Is your name Domino?
Then shut up.

[BELL RINGS]

DONNA:
Cleveland, can I have some water?

[SIGHS]
Just a minute, Donna.

[GROANS]

Found the problem, Mr. Brown.

See? These models
tend to overflow

when a dad, who's taken
on household responsibilities

is at his most comically
overwhelmed, then--

Uh-oh. There she blow.

Oh, no. The laundry,
the dinner, Roberta,

all unsalvageable disasters.

[BELL RINGS]

Don't worry, Roberta.

I'll make us
a frosting sandwich.

[♪]
[WHIRRING]

[SHRIEKS]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, man. Dangerous.

[RINGING]

Oh, my baby, working
so hard for me.

You mind getting
me today's paper?

I need to pick my horses.

Yep. Okay. Roger. Copy.
Ten-four.

Thanks, Cleveland.

And can you stop
by the video store?

I think there was a mix-up.

These DVDs say True Blood,

but they're just
some gay guy's nightmare.

[BOTH MEOWING]

Guys, can't stay.

Need to pick up groceries
tonight. No time tomorrow.

Gotta fix the dishwasher,
shampoo carpets

renew the Triple A membership,
Cleveland.

caulk the tub, water the grass.
Cleveland.

What?
Quick question.

Where is your purse, lady man?

Where is my purse?
Oh, there it is.

Go, go, go.

What the Fark.gov
happened to him?

Donna's taking advantage of him.

Just like I took advantage of
that sale at Banana Republic.

[WHISTLES]

I say we go confront
her right now

before Cleveland gets home.

Yeah, we can bring her

some of Arianna's sticky buns
as an excuse.

Arianna's got sticky buns,
does she?

Yeah.

You help glaze those buns
yourself, Tim?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
yeah. So what?

Yup.
[SNIGGERS]

You like to eat her buns
after you glaze them?

That's my business.

[WHISTLES]

[♪]

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry...

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Cleveland, is that you?

[GASPS]
Did something happen to Cleveland?

You turned him into a bitch.

What are you talking about?

I'll tell you
what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about
you're faking all this.

She is?
Trust me.

If there's one thing
I have experience with,

it's women faking it.

And I'm gonna prove it.

[♪]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Holt,
stop you drunk jackass.

I have two broken legs.

Well, then I can't rebreak them
by pushing you down the stairs.

[SHRIEKS]

[♪]

Yes, I'm faking it.

I finally get Cleveland
to pick up

some of the slack around here

and you think you douche
wangs are gonna ruin it?

If anyone says a word
[GAGS]

about this to my husband

I will cut your pretty
little face.

[UNZIPS PANTS]

Why are you unzipping
your pants?

[GASPING]
Because you're choking me.

[GRUNTS]

MAN [ON TV]:
We now return to the E! Network's

100 Greatest Celebrity
Nip-Slips,

Cheek-Peeks and Shaft-Gaffes.

Cleveland,
would you mind making me

another little plate
of pickles and carrots

and black olives and stuff?

Hmm, yeah, plate of pickles.
Fix the gutters. Charity dinner.

Is that Billy Crystal
shaft-gaffing?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Tim, I thought I told you
and your buddies

to stay the hell
away from my house.

Yeah, yeah, you did, you did.

And, uh, then this morning,
I remembered something.

I, um-- I'm a bear.

I can kill you, maul you,
rip your face off and eat you.

And I won't even go to jail,

you know, 'cause--
Because I'm a bear.

I think, you know,
in the heat of the moment,

I kind of forgot that.

But, uh, yeah, I'm a bear.
I can kill you.

So tell Cleveland the truth,
because if you don't:

[ROARS]

[CHUCKLES]

Okay. Okay, byesies.

Oh, come on.

Junior, why are your socks
in the refrigerator?

JUNIOR:
My feet get hot.

Cleveland, can we talk?

[GASPS]
You can walk.

Oh, hail the alien
overlord Xenu.

No, baby, listen to me.
I tricked you.

I'm sorry.
I didn't really break my legs.

Ruin her credit rating, Xenu.

I realized I do every damn thing
around this house

while you sit on your butt
watching sports.

So I asked Dr. Fist
to make me some fake casts.

And he did.

I think because he wants
to sleep with me.

He's always vaguely creepy
during my exams

but not in a direct way
that I can really call him on.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Dr. Fist, what a hound.

[♪]

[YAWNS]

Kids, wake up.

Right now, so I can fix
your breakfast.

All right, beautiful boy,
here's your bacon

and fresh-baked croissants.

Merci, Papa.

And your coffee.
Black as Atlanta.

Thank you.

You're not still mad at me?

Mad at you? I should thank you.

Being a homemaker
is the toughest job

I've ever loved.

With the best benefits
and the shortest commute.

[♪]

Cleveland,
can I ask you for some advice?

What's the problem?
Talk to me about it.

Donna, she needs honest advice
and cranberry juice.

Oh, well, let me get
it for you, Roberta.

[GROWLS]

Ow, my face.

Donna.
Oh, my God. My baby.

You do not hit a child.

It was instinctive.
I didn't mean to.

Enough. For shame,
Donna. For shame.

And you, no scare. No.

Yes, sir, Cleveland.

All I needed was some parenting.

Shame.

[♪]

So Cleveland's
the homemaker now.

And the truth is, he's better
at it than I ever was.

[SIGHS]
To be honest, I don't even know what my role is.

Well, Donna,
it's a nice of change of pace

to have a drink
with a sad, whining woman

but, uh, you know,
I-I'm sick of seeing you

all down in your mouth.

I mean-- I mean, who are you?
Answer me.

Well, I'm-- I'm Donna.

No, you are a lioness.

And no one is going to displace
you or you will roar.

Now, who are you?

I am a lioness.
ALL: Yeah.

It's my house.
ALL: Yeah.

And you know what?

I'm going to the Crutched
by an Angel dinner

to let Cleveland know
that that's my charity.

I run the show.

Yeah.
You go, Donna.

Charity is what defines you.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Yeah.
That's right.

My roommate and I
are having a showering contest.

Will you guys be the judges?
Get out of here.

Yeah, we're watching
The Cleveland Show.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, everyone.

Please, either take your seat

or remain seated
forever as applicable.

I'd like to introduce
the newest member

of the CBAA family,
Cleveland Brown.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Wow.

This is--

Wow.

To all of you plegics,
both para- and quadra-

I may be able to run a mile
and bathe myself

and compete
on Dancing With the Stars

should my prayers be answered.

Please, Xenu.

However--
Hold up.

Donna, what are you doing here?

You've never been
interested in charity.

That is not--

Cleveland, I have something
to share

with you and everyone here

especially the women.

I had it all.

I was a mother, a wife
and a career woman.

Yes, it was a lot of work.

But it's woman's work.

This woman.

And I am taking back my home.

No. Nothing has ever made me

feel so worthy,
so indispensable.

Please, Cleveland.
Let me do what I was born to do.

Everything.

All right.

Because I love you.

I love you too, Cleveland.

AUDIENCE:
Ah.

What's going on? I can't see.

Thanks for putting me
in the back.

[LAUGHING]

She bought it.

[LAUGHING]

I wish you could've been here

when I gave that stupid lioness
speech that you wrote.

I'm the one who
was willing to kill her

to see if she was faking it.

And I played
the redneck hayseed.

Here's to dum-dum,
the love of my life.

I'll teach him to wash
my dishes in my house.

Wait. What the fuck
am I doing?

[♪]

[English - US - Line 21]

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