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♪ My name is Cleveland Brown
2
00:00:04,555 --> 00:00:06,815
♪ And I am proud to be
3
00:00:06,823 --> 00:00:09,213
♪ Right back
In my hometown ♪
4
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,590
♪ With my new family
5
00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,805
♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪
6
00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,214
♪ And even a bear
7
00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:18,376
♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪
8
00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:20,015
♪ It's true love we share
9
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:22,150
♪ And so I found a place
10
00:00:22,156 --> 00:00:24,386
♪ Where everyone will know
11
00:00:24,392 --> 00:00:26,762
♪ My happy mustache face
12
00:00:26,761 --> 00:00:28,791
♪ This is The Cleveland Show ♪
13
00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,926
[LAUGHS]
14
00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:33,371
[♪]
15
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:39,438
Time to gobble up your lunch,
Geraldine, you jive turkey.
16
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,240
[LAUGHING]
17
00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:46,407
I'm gonna have to change
your name to Luke Wilson
18
00:00:46,413 --> 00:00:48,683
because you've grown
into a bloated slob
19
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:51,182
who'll eat anything
and is gonna die this month.
20
00:00:51,185 --> 00:00:53,345
Have you seen the pizza,
doughnuts and hamburgers
21
00:00:53,354 --> 00:00:54,994
I made Junior for lunch?
22
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:57,058
It's all going
to a worthy cause.
23
00:00:57,057 --> 00:01:00,857
This will be our best holiday
together since Yom Kippur.
24
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:03,611
[CHANTING]
25
00:01:16,592 --> 00:01:18,062
Cleveland, we're not Jewish.
26
00:01:18,062 --> 00:01:20,032
Oh, that's right.
My writers are.
27
00:01:20,030 --> 00:01:22,200
You have nothing
to worry about this year,
28
00:01:22,199 --> 00:01:23,499
because guess who's coming.
29
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,500
Donna, we can't have guests.
30
00:01:25,502 --> 00:01:27,622
That bird will barely serve
the five of us.
31
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:30,021
And that cloning mess I tried
didn't work.
32
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:31,764
[♪]
33
00:01:31,759 --> 00:01:35,829
When you gonna burn me
them Glee DVDs?
34
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:37,279
Shut up, turkey-clone.
35
00:01:37,281 --> 00:01:39,881
My sister Janet's coming
with her kids.
36
00:01:39,883 --> 00:01:41,823
What? I hate her.
37
00:01:41,819 --> 00:01:44,089
I hate all your sisters
and your brother
38
00:01:44,087 --> 00:01:46,457
and your mom and your dad
and your children.
39
00:01:46,457 --> 00:01:48,057
Well, I'm sorry,
but Janet's coming.
40
00:01:48,058 --> 00:01:51,128
Boo, boo, Janet, boo.
41
00:01:51,128 --> 00:01:52,588
Cleveland, that is not helpful.
42
00:01:52,596 --> 00:01:53,596
Janet is my--
43
00:01:53,597 --> 00:01:56,567
Boo, boo, Janet, boo.
44
00:01:56,567 --> 00:01:58,127
She's only coming for--
45
00:01:58,135 --> 00:01:59,665
Boo, boo, Janet.
46
00:01:59,670 --> 00:02:02,740
Liar. Stay somewhere else.
47
00:02:02,740 --> 00:02:04,940
Are you done?
48
00:02:04,942 --> 00:02:07,112
Good. Janet's only--
49
00:02:07,110 --> 00:02:08,680
Boo.
50
00:02:08,679 --> 00:02:12,459
[♪]
51
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:15,796
Junior, you know how much
I love Thanksgiving, right?
52
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,123
Yeah, it's obvious.
53
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,090
Well, that's how much
I don't love
54
00:02:19,089 --> 00:02:20,759
your stepmother's sister, Janet.
55
00:02:20,757 --> 00:02:23,017
She thinks she's better
than everybody
56
00:02:23,026 --> 00:02:24,686
just because she got
all that money
57
00:02:24,695 --> 00:02:27,325
for having her foot run
over by a city bus.
58
00:02:27,331 --> 00:02:29,161
Cleveland, I wish you'd ask me
59
00:02:29,166 --> 00:02:30,926
before you start messing
with the house.
60
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:33,604
You didn't complain
when I put in the Murphy toilet.
61
00:02:33,604 --> 00:02:35,404
I'm in here.
Sorry.
62
00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,766
[DOORBELL RINGS]
63
00:02:37,775 --> 00:02:39,035
Diva alert.
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00:02:39,043 --> 00:02:42,413
Janet. Look at you
with your fine self,
65
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:44,412
and your fine dress,
and your fine shoes.
66
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,254
You look fine.
67
00:02:46,249 --> 00:02:48,919
So this is what
big-city success looks like.
68
00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:51,019
How is Raleigh,
Durham, Chapel Hill?
69
00:02:51,021 --> 00:02:53,451
Remember Dynasty?
It's like that.
70
00:02:53,456 --> 00:02:55,286
Oh, girl.
71
00:02:55,292 --> 00:02:57,762
Hi, Brian. Hi, D'Brian.
72
00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,001
Come give your
Aunt Donna some sugar.
73
00:02:59,997 --> 00:03:01,127
[LAUGHING]
74
00:03:02,865 --> 00:03:04,365
[BOYS LAUGHING, GRUNTING]
75
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:06,367
Careful, boys.
76
00:03:06,369 --> 00:03:10,169
Before I forget, is there
someplace I can plug in my--?
77
00:03:10,173 --> 00:03:12,643
I'm sorry, do you know
what a Blackberry is?
78
00:03:12,643 --> 00:03:14,783
Oh, it's like
a typewriter phone.
79
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,248
Um-hm.
80
00:03:16,247 --> 00:03:19,347
[SIGHS]
I tell you, it's so good to take a break
81
00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:21,420
from the fast pace
of Tobacco Road
82
00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:24,548
and get back to Stoolbend
where there's nothing going on.
83
00:03:24,555 --> 00:03:27,755
It must be nice not to worry
about how you look
84
00:03:27,758 --> 00:03:30,258
or what Italian restaurant
you're gonna go to.
85
00:03:30,261 --> 00:03:32,231
I don't think I'm brave
enough to eat Italian.
86
00:03:32,229 --> 00:03:34,659
That spaghetti stuff looks
like worms to me.
87
00:03:34,665 --> 00:03:37,195
You sound so ignorant right now.
88
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,500
Oh, hey, Cleveland.
89
00:03:38,502 --> 00:03:40,742
Oh, Janet, so good to see you.
90
00:03:40,738 --> 00:03:43,608
You look great, make yourself
at home and so forth.
91
00:03:43,607 --> 00:03:45,307
Great to see you too.
92
00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:47,179
You haven't changed a bit.
93
00:03:47,177 --> 00:03:48,177
[SWISHES]
94
00:03:48,178 --> 00:03:50,578
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHING]
95
00:03:51,780 --> 00:03:53,030
Hi, Aunt Janet.
96
00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:55,973
Roberta. Ah, look at you.
97
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,669
All grown up.
98
00:03:57,671 --> 00:03:59,811
And working that ass.
99
00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:03,407
Not a high, flat, Sinbad-looking
ass like this guy.
100
00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:05,340
No tears, Cleveland.
101
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:09,246
Be strong, for youand for Sinbad.
102
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,579
Aunt Janet, you still doing
that thing on TV
103
00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,045
where you pick
the lotto numbers?
104
00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,993
I don't know, you tell me.
105
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,458
Twelve. Forty one. Six.
106
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,218
Those are just examples.
107
00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,226
She said numbers
that were on TV.
108
00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:24,428
Big deal, I was once on TV too.
109
00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:27,421
ANNOUNCER:
We now return to What's Happening!
110
00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:30,518
Hey, Shirl, which one of these
is the chicken salad
111
00:04:30,521 --> 00:04:32,451
and which is the tuna salad?
112
00:04:32,456 --> 00:04:35,516
[TV AUDIENCE CHEERING]
113
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:37,786
That's tuna salad.
114
00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:39,185
That's chicken salad.
115
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,396
[TV AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
116
00:04:41,398 --> 00:04:44,068
Hm-hmm, these are what's
happening.
117
00:04:44,067 --> 00:04:45,167
[GRUNTING]
118
00:04:45,168 --> 00:04:47,798
[♪]
119
00:04:47,804 --> 00:04:50,394
And the woman won't shut
her mouth.
120
00:04:50,390 --> 00:04:53,160
Sometimes I just wanna say,
"Can it, Janet."
121
00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,730
But then she'll say,
"Leave, Cleve,"
122
00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:57,629
and I don't have another one.
123
00:04:57,631 --> 00:05:02,201
Of course, if I can get her
to say "leave, Cleve" first,
124
00:05:02,202 --> 00:05:03,202
then maybe I--
125
00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:04,643
JANET:
Hey, Cleveland.
126
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:05,848
Can it, Janet.
127
00:05:05,856 --> 00:05:07,816
Oh, please don't make me leave.
128
00:05:07,824 --> 00:05:09,014
Move over, fool.
129
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:12,079
All day traveling with those
kids, I need a stiff one.
130
00:05:12,079 --> 00:05:14,149
So you're disqualified.
131
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:17,498
[ALL LAUGHING]
132
00:05:17,501 --> 00:05:18,501
Burn Notice.
133
00:05:18,502 --> 00:05:19,572
Ha!
134
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:20,740
[GULPING]
135
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:25,007
Next. Four more of those
and a cosmo for the lady.
136
00:05:25,008 --> 00:05:26,678
[ALL LAUGHING]
137
00:05:26,677 --> 00:05:27,857
[GROWLS]
138
00:05:27,862 --> 00:05:30,462
With a twist of lemon.
139
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,104
I've hated Janetsince high school.
140
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:35,030
What's up, Doughboy?
141
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:39,165
Doughboy. Yeah. I like that.
It suits you.
142
00:05:39,173 --> 00:05:40,613
Because you're fat.
143
00:05:40,607 --> 00:05:43,507
[BOTH LAUGHING]
144
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,290
Who are you?
145
00:05:44,294 --> 00:05:46,464
This is Robert.
I met him at detention.
146
00:05:46,463 --> 00:05:48,333
He's not like Cleveland here.
147
00:05:48,331 --> 00:05:50,731
He pees standing up.
148
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:53,524
I always poop a tiny bit
when I pee.
149
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,201
So, Donna, if you're done
with Chumpty-Dumpty,
150
00:05:56,206 --> 00:05:58,336
Robert's all yours.
151
00:05:58,341 --> 00:06:00,691
So, what were you
in detention for?
152
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,564
Having too much charis-mo.
153
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,932
That and a little bit of arson.
154
00:06:04,932 --> 00:06:07,172
I think I can change him.
155
00:06:09,702 --> 00:06:13,312
♪ Thanksgiving's coming soon
156
00:06:13,307 --> 00:06:16,877
♪ Pa-rump-pom-pom-pom
157
00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:20,507
♪ The football starts at noon
158
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:23,924
♪ Pa-rump-pom-pom-pom
159
00:06:23,918 --> 00:06:27,288
♪ Our finest snacks we bring
160
00:06:27,288 --> 00:06:28,288
♪ Pa-rump--
161
00:06:28,289 --> 00:06:30,459
Oh, my head is killing me.
162
00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:33,857
I need two Sprites,
a 7-Up, six baby aspirin,
163
00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:36,061
and a Flintstones vitamin. Dino.
164
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,203
Girl, what did you
do last night?
165
00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:39,258
HOLT:
Me.
166
00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:40,205
Rub-a-dub-dub.
167
00:06:40,216 --> 00:06:42,176
Two men in two Tubbs.
168
00:06:42,185 --> 00:06:43,395
Their last name is Tubbs.
169
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,203
I told you to go out the window.
170
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:47,565
No, Cleve's cool.
Boned your sister-in-law.
171
00:06:47,574 --> 00:06:49,074
What?
Hold up.
172
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:52,226
You slept with Holt? No way.
173
00:06:52,229 --> 00:06:53,329
[LAUGHING]
174
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,930
I bet this
is the first Thanksgiving
175
00:06:55,933 --> 00:06:58,873
where you got stuffed
by a turkey.
176
00:06:58,869 --> 00:07:01,149
MAN [IN GAME]:
Seasonal slam!
177
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,224
[BEEPING]
178
00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:08,958
Hey, Janet, look at when I put
this little piece of meatloaf
179
00:07:08,962 --> 00:07:10,862
on this bigger piece
of meatloaf.
180
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:11,864
[CHUCKLES]
181
00:07:11,865 --> 00:07:13,225
A lot of people would say:
182
00:07:13,234 --> 00:07:15,604
"What's that big piece
of meatloaf thinking
183
00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,273
being with that little piece?"
184
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,841
But other people would say,
185
00:07:18,839 --> 00:07:21,109
"Good for that little piece
of meatloaf."
186
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,238
Ha, ha.
187
00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:23,743
Like I'm the first girl
to get drunk
188
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:25,014
and sleep with a loser.
189
00:07:25,011 --> 00:07:27,151
You probably need
three shots of Jãger
190
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:29,847
to roll around
with this tub of lard.
191
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,521
I get thirsty at night.
192
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,820
Yes! Thirsty.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
193
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:37,722
Oh, who did I invite over
194
00:07:37,724 --> 00:07:41,064
for an awkward encounter
that I can laugh at?
195
00:07:42,261 --> 00:07:44,331
Look, Janet. It's my neighbor
196
00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,431
and your Pee-wee
adventure, Holt.
197
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,803
What's up, gorgeous?
You didn't return my texts
198
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,922
so I took that to mean
you needed some face time.
199
00:07:53,406 --> 00:07:55,106
Look, about last night--
Rob Lowe.
200
00:07:55,109 --> 00:07:56,379
You and me--
Dupree.
201
00:07:56,377 --> 00:07:58,207
We--
Women's Entertainment network.
202
00:07:58,212 --> 00:08:01,012
Look at you two, finishing
each other's sentences.
203
00:08:01,015 --> 00:08:03,075
Why don't the two of you
go out tonight?
204
00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:05,023
I got the kids.
Donna will watch them.
205
00:08:05,019 --> 00:08:06,889
I'm really tired.
I made coffee.
206
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,217
But I have a hair appointment.
That's a lie.
207
00:08:09,223 --> 00:08:12,493
Fine. If it'll get your fat ass
off my back, I'll go.
208
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:14,892
What's the classiest place
in Stoolbend?
209
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:15,755
ALL:
Applebee's.
210
00:08:15,763 --> 00:08:16,833
Oh, I have a coupon.
211
00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,030
I won't be needing that.
212
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:21,032
ALL:
Ooh.
213
00:08:23,318 --> 00:08:25,598
Dinner was actually kind of fun.
214
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:27,566
I've never been out with anybody
215
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:30,214
who tipped a waitress
a hundred dollars.
216
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:31,610
Uh, it's just a Benjamin.
217
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:35,952
Just a Benjamin that said,
"Happy First Communion, Holt.
218
00:08:35,949 --> 00:08:37,549
Love Grandma Bea."
219
00:08:37,551 --> 00:08:38,981
Saving it for
a special occasion.
220
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,786
And you're pretty special.
221
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:42,187
[GIGGLES]
222
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:44,719
Holt, you're crazy.
223
00:08:44,724 --> 00:08:46,964
Crazy sweet.
224
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,260
Up.
225
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:55,526
Oh, Holt.
226
00:08:58,654 --> 00:09:00,764
[LAUGHING]
227
00:09:04,393 --> 00:09:06,663
Still think it was
a hilarious idea
228
00:09:06,663 --> 00:09:09,163
to send Janet and Holt out
on a date together?
229
00:09:09,166 --> 00:09:12,496
I can't believe they stuck us
with her kids all night.
230
00:09:12,502 --> 00:09:16,072
Brian's okay,
but D'Brian is the worst.
231
00:09:16,073 --> 00:09:19,013
What? I think Brian's
much worse.
232
00:09:19,008 --> 00:09:22,008
Yeah, me too.
But it didn't sound as clever.
233
00:09:22,011 --> 00:09:26,511
After the night we had,
we could use a laugh, huh?
234
00:09:28,817 --> 00:09:29,847
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
235
00:09:29,852 --> 00:09:31,352
Wait. Maybe that's them.
236
00:09:31,354 --> 00:09:34,864
Oh, no. It's just one of Holt's
stupid Twitter updates.
237
00:09:34,857 --> 00:09:36,787
Oh, he's been tweeting
all night.
238
00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:39,533
"Janet and I at OREO
Speedwagon."
239
00:09:39,529 --> 00:09:41,659
It's an REO Speedwagon
cover band
240
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,434
that appeals
to interracial couples.
241
00:09:43,433 --> 00:09:45,333
Maybe the white half.
242
00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,865
Listen to the rest of these:
243
00:09:46,870 --> 00:09:48,870
"Crushed a steak
at the restaurant.
244
00:09:48,872 --> 00:09:51,872
Ketel One,
Ketel One, Ketel One."
245
00:09:51,875 --> 00:09:55,535
Why is there no Ketel Two?"
Ha, ha, that's good.
246
00:09:55,545 --> 00:09:58,005
"Just landed
in Vegas with Janet."
247
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,504
They went to Vegas?
248
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,970
That is great news.
249
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:03,568
Because the only thing
that matters
250
00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:05,940
is Janet's happiness
at any given moment.
251
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,059
Sure, she said
she came to see me
252
00:10:08,057 --> 00:10:09,217
[♪]
253
00:10:09,225 --> 00:10:11,225
but then she sticks me
with her bratty kids
254
00:10:11,227 --> 00:10:14,027
while she's out getting wined
and dined at Applebee's.
255
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:16,230
Well, I wanna go to Applebee's.
256
00:10:16,232 --> 00:10:19,502
Me too. Is it one of ours'
birthday?
257
00:10:19,502 --> 00:10:21,192
This is just like high school.
258
00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:23,248
Always acting
like she's better than me.
259
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:25,686
Talking about,
"Have I seen a Blackberry?"
260
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,792
Bitch, I am a Blackberry!
261
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,394
You think you a diva, Janet?
262
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:31,896
Well, guess what?
I'm a diva too!
263
00:10:31,898 --> 00:10:33,198
[SINGING OPERA]
264
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:34,930
What is happening?
265
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:37,885
This Thanksgiving, Janet's
watching the kids. All of them.
266
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,987
And I'm the one who's gonna
have fun. In Vegas.
267
00:10:40,990 --> 00:10:42,710
We're going to Vegas!
268
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:44,309
And we are going to have...
269
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,631
♪ fun!
270
00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:50,848
♪ Fun ♪
271
00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:53,750
I'm a diva too.
272
00:10:56,455 --> 00:10:57,485
[CACKLING]
273
00:10:57,491 --> 00:10:59,761
That would be tickets
for two adults,
274
00:10:59,759 --> 00:11:02,289
five children and zero turkeys.
275
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,655
Okay, seven round-trip,
same-day purchase,
276
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,234
day-before-Thanksgiving tickets.
277
00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:09,473
Your total is $15,600.
278
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,499
[GASPS]
279
00:11:10,504 --> 00:11:13,904
In that case, winged migration.
280
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:15,386
[♪]
281
00:11:26,785 --> 00:11:28,045
[♪]
282
00:11:34,743 --> 00:11:36,013
[CHEERING]
283
00:11:36,629 --> 00:11:38,229
[BEEPING]
Wow!
284
00:11:45,354 --> 00:11:46,594
[LAUGHING]
285
00:11:46,589 --> 00:11:48,459
I like these kid leashes.
286
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:51,578
White people are onto something.
287
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:54,698
Excuse me, have you seen
a short, unattractive gentleman
288
00:11:54,698 --> 00:11:57,468
who's overcompensating
by dressing flashy
289
00:11:57,467 --> 00:11:59,997
and loudly bragging
about how drunk he is?
290
00:12:00,002 --> 00:12:03,042
Ah, yes. He's right everywhere.
291
00:12:03,039 --> 00:12:04,269
Bro.
Bro.
292
00:12:04,273 --> 00:12:05,543
Bro.
Bro.
293
00:12:05,541 --> 00:12:06,871
Bro.
294
00:12:06,876 --> 00:12:08,726
Let me be more specific.
295
00:12:08,729 --> 00:12:11,059
This particular short gentleman
296
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:13,704
is with a tall,
statuesque black woman.
297
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,020
Oh, Bill Maher is right there.
298
00:12:16,019 --> 00:12:17,819
Oh, hey, Donna.
Hey, Bill.
299
00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:19,751
I am so annoyed at Janet.
[KIDS FIGHTING]
300
00:12:19,756 --> 00:12:21,586
What kind of woman
just runs off to Vegas
301
00:12:21,591 --> 00:12:23,991
and pays no attention
to her children's well-being?
302
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,063
Hm.
303
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:26,761
And on Thanksgiving.
304
00:12:26,763 --> 00:12:28,903
The holiest of holidays.
305
00:12:28,898 --> 00:12:31,028
Hyah.
[GRUNTING]
306
00:12:33,318 --> 00:12:35,718
All right, let's get rich.
307
00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:38,312
Dang, how are we supposed
to know which one's hot?
308
00:12:38,308 --> 00:12:40,478
Come on, Junior,
you're the math genius.
309
00:12:40,477 --> 00:12:43,587
The statistical probabilityof a three-tiered game.
310
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,796
Payout ratio of N to the X
311
00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:47,598
over square rootof N minus four.
312
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,400
Average numberof attempts per jackpot--
313
00:12:49,402 --> 00:12:50,602
RALLO:
Jackpot!
314
00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:52,853
Yo, yo, Earth to Girth.
315
00:12:52,856 --> 00:12:54,956
I won! I hit it big!
316
00:12:54,958 --> 00:12:57,988
No. Uh-uh. Get out.
317
00:12:57,995 --> 00:12:59,825
I'm serious?
318
00:12:59,829 --> 00:13:01,329
Now we gotta find somebody
319
00:13:01,331 --> 00:13:04,271
who's old enough
to cash in this ticket for us.
320
00:13:04,267 --> 00:13:05,827
Excuse me, miss.
321
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:08,335
I was just wondering
what a pretty lady like you
322
00:13:08,338 --> 00:13:10,738
is doing sitting over here all
by herself?
323
00:13:10,740 --> 00:13:11,940
I'm an escort.
324
00:13:11,941 --> 00:13:14,781
Well, if you help us cash
in this ticket
325
00:13:14,778 --> 00:13:18,478
you can escort my colleague
and me to dinner this evening.
326
00:13:19,698 --> 00:13:23,098
Love to. Just let me go change
my underpants first.
327
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,193
You know what?
Why don't we all do that?
328
00:13:25,188 --> 00:13:26,618
Meet back here in five.
329
00:13:26,623 --> 00:13:29,163
No wait, 10.
330
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:32,636
It's you. Beyoncé.
331
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:34,246
It's Beyoncé.
332
00:13:34,247 --> 00:13:35,457
[CAMERAS CLICKING]
333
00:13:35,465 --> 00:13:36,605
[ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE]
334
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,616
Beyoncé?
335
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,138
Damn right I'm Beyoncé.
336
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:43,597
I'm married to Jay-Z.
337
00:13:43,606 --> 00:13:45,936
He liked it.
He put a ring on it.
338
00:13:45,942 --> 00:13:48,632
You are most gracious, Beyoncé.
339
00:13:48,629 --> 00:13:50,399
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
340
00:13:54,133 --> 00:13:55,523
[♪]
341
00:14:08,697 --> 00:14:12,447
♪ Money, money, money, money
342
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:13,752
♪ Money
343
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,973
Agh!
♪ Money, money, money, money
344
00:14:15,972 --> 00:14:17,142
[TIRES SCREECHING]
345
00:14:17,140 --> 00:14:18,470
♪ Money
346
00:14:18,475 --> 00:14:20,705
♪ Money, money, money, money
347
00:14:21,994 --> 00:14:23,134
♪ Money
348
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:26,630
♪ Money, money, money, money
349
00:14:26,633 --> 00:14:27,873
♪ Money
350
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:31,648
♪ Money, money, money, money
351
00:14:31,654 --> 00:14:32,794
♪ Money
352
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,869
♪ Money, money, money, money
353
00:14:36,408 --> 00:14:38,638
Milf alert.
Got Milf?
354
00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,105
I'm Jon Gosselin.
355
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,283
Cleveland, it's Donna.
356
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,180
I've been to seven
casinos on the strip,
357
00:14:43,182 --> 00:14:45,152
four off, eight
all-you-can-eat buffets
358
00:14:45,151 --> 00:14:47,121
I worked a car show,
drove a gypsy cab,
359
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,550
walked through The Luxor, yuk,
360
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,855
but no sign of Janet or Holt.
How about you?
361
00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:54,257
Nothing. And I've looked
everywhere too.
362
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,660
Even as we speak,
363
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:58,002
I'm sitting here with
the Las Vegas Police Department
364
00:14:57,997 --> 00:15:01,127
searching through the records
of all incoming citizens.
365
00:15:01,134 --> 00:15:03,804
Sipping coffee out of
a little Styrofoam cup
366
00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,043
in a windowless room.
367
00:15:05,038 --> 00:15:07,438
Staring at a flickering
computer screen--
368
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,810
[♪]
369
00:15:08,809 --> 00:15:12,539
Oh, Donna, I'm at a pool.
370
00:15:12,546 --> 00:15:16,046
I'm sorry. I'll look,
I'll find them.
371
00:15:16,049 --> 00:15:18,349
This pool don't mean
nothing to me.
372
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,591
I suppose I wanted
to get caught.
373
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,287
I'm sick.
374
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:25,319
[SOBBING]
375
00:15:36,435 --> 00:15:37,545
Give me a break.
376
00:15:37,553 --> 00:15:39,923
No time. Gotta go find
Holt and Janet.
377
00:15:39,923 --> 00:15:42,723
Luke Wilson, make sure no one
steals my goggles.
378
00:15:42,725 --> 00:15:44,385
Cle-Bro. Grub time.
379
00:15:44,394 --> 00:15:47,034
They were out of sliders
so I got you popcorn shrimp.
380
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,030
[SOBBING]
381
00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:49,531
I told you I'm sick.
382
00:15:49,532 --> 00:15:51,472
I found him an hour ago.
383
00:15:51,467 --> 00:15:54,697
I was gonna tell you, but then
I got hungry and thirsty.
384
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,744
Oh, Donna
385
00:15:56,739 --> 00:15:59,669
nobody is more
disappointed in me
386
00:15:59,676 --> 00:16:02,676
right now than I am. No fries?
387
00:16:02,679 --> 00:16:04,329
Holt, we're here
to return these kids
388
00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,001
to their irresponsible mother.
Now, where the hell is she?
389
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:08,769
At King Dong's. All male revue.
390
00:16:08,769 --> 00:16:10,739
Bachelorette day.
We're getting married.
391
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,187
What?
392
00:16:12,189 --> 00:16:14,789
[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Holt a-said they get a-married. Listen.
393
00:16:14,791 --> 00:16:16,121
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
I'm sorry.
394
00:16:16,126 --> 00:16:18,556
Holt, you don't wanna
marry Janet.
395
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,091
Because of the C-section scar?
396
00:16:20,096 --> 00:16:21,956
Doesn't bother me.
Bothers me a little.
397
00:16:21,965 --> 00:16:24,625
Cleveland, try and talk
some sense into him.
398
00:16:24,634 --> 00:16:26,874
I'll deal with my sister.
399
00:16:26,870 --> 00:16:28,670
Hyah.
[GRUNTING]
400
00:16:28,671 --> 00:16:31,571
Listen, Cleveland--
Holt, Janet's got two children.
401
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:33,884
Children who need a father.
402
00:16:33,877 --> 00:16:37,557
And trust me, being a father
is a full-time job.
403
00:16:37,564 --> 00:16:38,904
[TIRES SCREECH]
[GRUNTS]
404
00:16:38,898 --> 00:16:40,548
[LAUGHING]
Whoo.
405
00:16:40,550 --> 00:16:41,700
[♪]
406
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,835
[ALL LAUGHING]
407
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:46,068
Agh.
408
00:16:49,157 --> 00:16:51,527
I'll admit I don't know much
about being a dad,
409
00:16:51,528 --> 00:16:53,288
but I'm gonna try.
410
00:16:53,295 --> 00:16:54,555
She's worth it to me.
411
00:16:54,564 --> 00:16:57,804
Besides, I got the world's
greatest dad as a teacher.
412
00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:58,930
You.
413
00:16:58,935 --> 00:17:00,075
[♪]
414
00:17:00,086 --> 00:17:02,416
I'll need a moment.
415
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,522
[SOBBING]
416
00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,423
Thank you, Freddy.
417
00:17:06,792 --> 00:17:09,412
Holt, you have my blessing.
418
00:17:09,412 --> 00:17:12,512
Wanna see pictures of her naked?
Yes, I do.
419
00:17:12,515 --> 00:17:13,865
Hm.
420
00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:15,327
Thank you, Freddy.
421
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,335
[♪]
422
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:20,287
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
423
00:17:20,290 --> 00:17:22,220
Donna. What are you doing here?
424
00:17:22,225 --> 00:17:23,655
I heard you were getting
married,
425
00:17:23,660 --> 00:17:25,290
so I got you a wedding gift.
426
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:26,555
Your children.
427
00:17:26,563 --> 00:17:31,003
Janet, it's time for you
to stop acting like a child.
428
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,670
Think I like being the grown-up
429
00:17:32,669 --> 00:17:35,499
while you hook up with one
random guy after another?
430
00:17:35,504 --> 00:17:37,044
You think I don't wanna sleep
431
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,840
with every man
who buys me a drink?
432
00:17:38,841 --> 00:17:41,341
Because I do. All women do.
433
00:17:41,343 --> 00:17:46,153
But I don't let myself
because I have responsibilities.
434
00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:48,278
And so do you.
435
00:17:48,284 --> 00:17:49,674
If you're talking
about the boys,
436
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,199
their father's a pastor
437
00:17:51,204 --> 00:17:53,904
so they got God
looking after them.
438
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:56,886
Look, Janet. Marriage means
something to Holt.
439
00:17:56,893 --> 00:18:00,133
He's not some late-night host,
or governor of South Carolina
440
00:18:00,129 --> 00:18:03,559
or the best golfer in the world.
Don't do this to him.
441
00:18:03,566 --> 00:18:05,216
Donna, this is my life.
442
00:18:05,218 --> 00:18:09,188
And I'd appreciate some respect
on this blessed day.
443
00:18:14,042 --> 00:18:16,312
[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]
444
00:18:18,947 --> 00:18:19,977
[TURNS MUSIC OFF]
445
00:18:19,983 --> 00:18:21,153
Before we get started,
446
00:18:21,151 --> 00:18:22,851
no, I'm not an Elvis
impersonator.
447
00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,192
I just wear this costume
448
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:25,987
to remind his family
that he's dead.
449
00:18:25,989 --> 00:18:29,859
Okay, on to the vows.
450
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:36,259
Janet, I have found in you
the other half of myself
451
00:18:36,266 --> 00:18:39,496
[SOBBING]
that I never knew I was looking for.
452
00:18:41,036 --> 00:18:43,066
Our souls have become
intertwined
453
00:18:43,073 --> 00:18:45,513
like the weird scene in Avatar
454
00:18:45,508 --> 00:18:49,108
where they did it under
the light-up tree.
455
00:18:49,112 --> 00:18:51,252
We may not have
much of a past...
456
00:18:51,247 --> 00:18:52,407
[SNIFFLES]
457
00:18:52,415 --> 00:18:56,445
but we have a long,
long future ahead of us.
458
00:18:56,453 --> 00:19:01,023
And I will always
be here for you.
459
00:19:01,024 --> 00:19:02,194
[SOBBING]
460
00:19:02,192 --> 00:19:04,162
The Holt abides.
461
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,790
Died a drug addict
on a toilet. Some king.
462
00:19:06,796 --> 00:19:08,296
Your turn, ma'am.
463
00:19:08,298 --> 00:19:11,318
[♪]
464
00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:14,518
Look, Holt. I can't marry you.
465
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,820
My sister's right.
466
00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,862
You're too nice a guy
for a party girl like me.
467
00:19:19,859 --> 00:19:21,659
Oh, God.
468
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,231
I think I need a Red Bull.
469
00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:25,159
Thank you, Freddy.
470
00:19:27,432 --> 00:19:32,172
I'm just realizing that I'm not
ready to settle down right now.
471
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,322
I'm sorry.
472
00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:38,755
But I am open to being
non-monogamous,
473
00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:41,201
long-distance boyfriend
and girlfriend.
474
00:19:41,197 --> 00:19:42,397
What does that mean?
475
00:19:42,398 --> 00:19:44,848
I'll sleep with you
whenever I'm in town.
476
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:47,221
Do I still have to dress up
like Austin Powers?
477
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:48,720
I never asked you to do that.
478
00:19:48,721 --> 00:19:50,391
Didn't have to.
479
00:19:50,389 --> 00:19:51,759
Wedding's off, everybody.
480
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:54,627
But we're still
gonna shag, baby.
481
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:55,657
[ALL CHEERING]
482
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:58,102
It was the first Thanksgiving
483
00:19:58,097 --> 00:20:00,197
where civilized people
came together
484
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,569
with a bunch of godless savages.
485
00:20:02,568 --> 00:20:04,128
Much like today,
486
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,696
as my family breaks bread
487
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:09,065
with you, the human garbage
of Las Vegas.
488
00:20:09,074 --> 00:20:11,814
We welcome you,
leathery showgirl,
489
00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:13,981
joyless blackjack dealer,
490
00:20:13,979 --> 00:20:16,179
creepy rape-vibe magicians,
491
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:19,022
and creepy rape-vibe Carrot Top.
492
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:21,648
I'd also like
to welcome my son's escort
493
00:20:21,654 --> 00:20:24,054
my stepdaughter's Asian
entourage.
494
00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:26,716
We feed you long time.
495
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:31,126
I also want to acknowledge
my teensy-weensy neighbor, Holt
496
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:34,600
and my loosey-vavoosey
sister-in-law, Janet.
497
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,740
Here's to them casually getting
down until she gets pregnant
498
00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:40,938
and then they'll have
some decisions.
499
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,960
[ALL CHEERING]
500
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,540
Would you like to do the honors?
501
00:20:48,564 --> 00:20:52,354
Dad, did you kill
Turkey Luke Wilson?
502
00:20:52,352 --> 00:20:53,782
No, son, I didn't.
503
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:55,786
He had a coke-fueled
heart attack
504
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,118
at a strip club
early this morning.
505
00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:00,323
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
506
00:21:00,326 --> 00:21:03,786
[ALL CHEERING]
507
00:21:05,714 --> 00:21:07,724
[♪]
508
00:21:38,747 --> 00:21:41,717
[English - US - Line 21]
509
00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:46,317
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