All language subtitles for The Cleveland Show s02e02 Cleveland Live.eng

ANNOUNCER:
December 17, 1989.

History is made.

America says hello

to the first
non-prehistoric family

in primetime animation.

[BART SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

January 12, 1997.

History isn't done.

King of the Hill premieres,

taking America
by light drizzle.

HANK:
I sell propane.

ANNOUNCER:
January 31, 1999.

Knock-knock. Who's there?

It's history again
as Family Guy premieres.

[STEWIE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

And then history makes
its first mistake in history.

It cancels Family Guy.

August 12, 2004.

Eric Hammel, a misogynistic
pothead loner from Cincinnati

walks into a store
and buys a Family Guy DVD.

History is listening.

American Dad! is also a show.

But tonight,
the biggest history

in the history of history
will be made.

Because,
for the first time ever,

primetime animation
will be going

live.

From Fox Studios,
in Century City, California,

it's the first-ever live
telecast of an animated series.

This is
The Cleveland Show Live,

with special guest star,
Julia Roberts.

Brought to you by Circuit City.

Circuit City, there's one left.
Come find us.

Featuring the Walter Murphy
Orchestra.

And now, an overweight,
bumbling cartoon dad,

Cleveland Brown.

♪ My name is Cleveland Brown

♪ And I am proud to be

♪ Right back for season two

♪ With my new family

Ladies and gentlemen,
the original Solid Gold Dancers.

♪ There's old friends
And new friends ♪

♪ And even a bear

♪ Through good times
And bad times ♪

♪ It's true love we share ♪

♪ And so I found a place

♪ Where I don't take no jive ♪

♪ Screw The Amazing Race ♪

♪ You're watching
Cleveland Live ♪

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Thank you.

Thank you.

[CHEERING]

Whoop, here I is.

That's gonna be my new
catchphrase for season two.

Mine's gonna be
"Teddy bear picnic."

You know what? Forget it.

Catchphrases are stupid.

Party over here.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Boys, I--

Boys, I need--

Boys, I need you
to go pack your things.

You'll be spending the night
at Robert's apartment.

Dad's place? All right.

I bet he takes me
to the outdoor mall

so I can drum
on buckets for change.

[SCATTING]

Now, that's funky.

Dad, are we being sent to
Robert's to scare us straight?

No, I paid Robert to watch you

so Donna and I can have
the place to ourselves.

It's our first anniversary

and I've planned
a big romantic dinner,

which could very well lead

to slow dancing,
the recitation of love poetry

and other things that are
too taboo to be discussed.

[CHUCKLES]

If I were Bernie Mac

I'd be sitting
in a chair right now

telling America
how stupid you are.

Miss you, Bernie.

Hey, Roberta, are you staying
at your deadbeat dad's too?

Please, if I wanted to breathe
toxic mold and get flea bites

I'd date Zach Galifianakis.

It's gonna happen
one way or the other.

Roberta's staying
at her friend Tassie's house.

You know, the Iranian one.

Because ayatollah
her to get lost.

[LAUGHS]

No, but it's gonna
work out great.

Donna's gonna be so supr--

MAN:
You're fat.

You know what else is fat?

Rudeness.

[♪]

Hey, you kids like games, right?

Well, I got a fun one for you.

It's called Open the Box,
Take Out the DVD Player

Put a Brick Where it Was,
And Then Tape it Back Up.

And then we can build a wall
out of the DVD players. Yay!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Oh, no, they found me.

Quick, move.
Out the back window.

Man, we're three stories up.

It's okay, the dumpster
will break our fall.

But I'm scared, Daddy.

I'm not your daddy, fool.
Let's split.

Here I go.

[CLATTERING]

To infinity and beyond.

[CLATTERING]

Guess it's my turn.

[YELLS]

[CLATTERING]

[♪]

Anthony.

Let's see, I'll sit here

and I guess the most natural
thing would be

for Donna to sit next to me
also facing in that direction.

You can come in now, Donna.

Cleveland,
you made all this?

And you're gonna clean it all up
by yourself afterwards?

Whatever.

Now, let's get to work

on making those legs wobbly.

Look at me, I'm totally nude.

Looks like I've got
some catching up to do

behind this pillar
we've always had.

MAN:
Boobs.

Eek!
Robert?

There's some bad stuff
going down. Real bad.

These people
don't mess around.

I'm gonna have to lay low here
for a couple of days.

No, absolutely not.

It's our first anniversary,
the paper anniversary.

I was gonna give her an index
card on which I'd written:

"I'd marry you all over again."

Wait a minute, there's no reason
I still can't give it to you.

Here you go.

Aw.

WOMAN:
You got a good one, girl.

[GROANING]

Please, don't let my daddy
get killed, Cleveland.

You can't be
my only male role model.

I'll grow up to be
an overweight gay loser.

That's crazy talk, sugar.

Cleveland,
he's in a lot of trouble.

We don't have a choice.

[CHUCKLES]

Hey, looks like C-Brown
just got C-blocked.

Time to get strapped, doughboy.

Pardon me?
Get your gun ready.

I don't have a gun.

I used to live here.
We got guns everywhere.

Flip the couch.

I don't even
need to buy bullets

because I'm sweating them.
Sheesh.

MAN 1:
And we're clear.

[BELL RINGS]

Okay, where's the guy
who said I was fat?

MAN 2:
Right here.

And apparently,
the props department

has put real bullets
in our guns.

Sorry about that.

ANNOUNCER:
The Cleveland Show Live will be right back.

[CLEVELAND SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY]

Robert and Rallo, places for
act two. Robert and Rallo.

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

Someone's coming, get ready.

Honey, I'm--
Now.

My tibias. Ah!
There's a sack on my head.

Get it off, get if off,
get it off.

I think it's Cleveland.

Or someone who sounds like
Cleveland sent here to fool us.

CLEVELAND:
No, it's me.

My fibulas.

Donna, that man is--

Sure is windy in here.

Donna, that man
is a nuisance and a menace

and he's putting our family
in danger.

He has to go.

The only Robert I want to see
around here is Julia Roberts.

Look, Cleveland, Robert's
the father of my children.

So unless you can come
up with another safe place,

he's staying with us.

Oh, but I was gonna do

a makeup anniversary
dinner tonight.

I got filet mignon.

I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, I guess I'll have to save
that filet for later.

MAN:
Boo. I mean, yay.

Man, Cleveland, you skipped
fun drunk and sad drunk

and went straight
to angry drunk.

You'd be angry too

if your wife's ex-husband
was sleeping on your couch.

MAN [WHISPERING]:
Houseguest. Sinbad.

Housebad.

Thank you.

I just wish I could find
somewhere else for Robert to go.

That guy living in my house
is more out of place

than I would be as an
aristocratic woman

in 18th century France.

[BAROQUE MUSIC PLAYING
ON HARPSICORD]

Warning, don't go
in the toilette.

After eating all
those heavy French pastries

I've turned the bidet
into a bi-don't.

So, yeah, Robert
doesn't belong in my house.

Look, Cleveland, Robert has come
to you in his time of need

and you have to be a good
Christian and help him.

I know it's hard but
you gotta just suck it off.

Fine.

If you're such
a good Christian, Tim,

why don't you take him in?

Me?

It's not really a good time
for us, you know.

A couple of periods ago,
Arianna went crazy

and tore up the mattress
in the guest room.

Hi, Jesus,
it's me, Cleveland.

I know I haven't talked to you
since Donna's pregnancy scare

but I need to tell you a little
something about my friend Tim,

who I thought
was a good Christian.

Oh, come on,
don't bust me to Jesus.

Well?

All right, I guess
I should papa what I preach.

If you're going
to be hiding out with us,

you must put on a shirt.

Nobody wants to see
your pumped-up muscles

and prison scars.

What's wrong, you getting
turned on? You can't handle it?

Oh, please.

I wouldn't handle it

wearing the thickest
of my gardening gloves.

And put that out.

This is a smoke-free household.

Lady, you sure got
a lot of rules.

[GROWLS]

"Grr" yourself, bear bitch.

Call me a bitch again.

[WHISTLING]

Brisk.

Whoa, whose funeral
are you all dressed up for?

Please, say my dentist.

That was an ad-lib.

I should be getting paid
to write this show too.

And y'all never got back to me
about directing that episode.

I'm dressed up

because your mother and I
are finally having

our anniversary dinner.

Here, go see a movie.

Nothing with boobs.
Aw.

And nothing with elves.
Aw.

Mm-mm.

This place is dark, romantic
and smells like fondue,

just like my man.

Happy anniversa--

Roberta, what a surprise to see
you here at this particular time

and not entering
through the door

but through this fourth wall
of our house.

Well, I thought I'd stop by

because apparently I've been
over at Tassie's

for three days now.

Uh, you have?

Yeah, but I guess somebody
didn't think of that

when he cut my story
out of the show, remember?

Roberta takes
the debate team to regionals?

Yeah, that was a laugh riot.
Set your VCR.

Nobody uses VCRs anymore, fool.

How do you play tapes?

[GASPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

I wonder who's at the door.

Right now.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, it's Tim.

Tim,
what are you doing here?

Arianna. Robert.

I-- I walked in on them.

They were playing
Hide The Salman Rushdie.

What?

First, he did it regular style.

And then he did it
like an NBA guy,

right on top of our
Energy Star-qualified washer

from Circuit City.

Say, Tim,
how much does that

Energy Star-qualified washer

from Circuit City
tend to save you

on your utility bills?

As much as $200 a year.

Not too shabby.

Anyway, Arianna said
she doesn't love me anymore.

She said Robert
is everything I'm not.

Strong and virile,

and he doesn't cry after,
so you know, yay for Robert.

Cleveland,
this is your fault.

You told him
to tear up my wife?

No, sir, I wouldn't--
ROBERTA: Don't mind me.

I'm just gonna start
my own after-party here.

You know, because
the show's over for me

since my
debate story got cut.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Roberta, I don't think
you should be drinking

since you're only 15.

I play 15, jackass.

All right, seems
like Roberta's not feeling well

so maybe she should go
to the doctor and--

Maybe you
should go to hell.

Don't you touch me.

Okay, Settle down.
I'm a survivor.

And you know why?
I can do it all.

Live episode, remember,
this affects us.

I'm every woman.
Studio execs are watching.

I was in Hustle & Flow.
Wanna be in the movie?

Back off, old man.
You might wanna play ball.

Go to commercial.
Go to commercial.

[♪]

So Roberta, you told me
you have something to say?

Yes, I would like to apologize
for my behavior earlier.

Underage drinking is a major
problem in our society,

one that is
in no way condoned

by Fox Broadcasting Corporation
or its affiliates.

As for those things I said,
I have a logical explanation.

I ate some bad shrimp
and went crazy.

But the last thing
you and Mom needed

was someone else interrupting
your anniversary celebration

when my dad, Robert,
already ruined it once.

And who knows
what will happen now

that Tim the Bear
has barged in

to announce that his wife,
Arianna, had sex with Robert.

Now, back to my friend
Tassie's house.

Stay there
as long as you want.

Boy, Tim,
this Arianna thing.

Rough, rough stuff.

Rough stuff.

[SOBBING]

Cleveland, can I talk to you
for a moment?

I'm worried about Tim.
We've got to talk to Arianna.

Man, it's all my fault

for bringing Robert
into their lives.

It sounds like he and Arianna
are getting freakier

than the time I was a masseuse
at the Playboy Mansion.

All right, which one of you
ladies should I lotion up?

[GRUNTING]

No, no. No funny.

That was really bad.

Are you okay, Cleveland?
Mr. Brown.

Fine. Moving on.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, cracked it.

Oh, it's cracked.

[GROANS]

Donna, if you're looking
for Robert, he's sleeping.

We were up till 4
in the morning.

Well, he was up.

That is innuendo.

And he was in my end-o.

Be that as it may,

Arianna, you need
to take Tim back.

Being without you
has wrecked him.

Speaking of rectum--
Wrecked him.

Tim's a wreck.

Arianna, what
you're doing is wrong.

It's adultery.

I mean, what if I told
your church friends?

That a self-righteous Christian
is actually a hypocrite?

Alert the media.

But how can you throw away

this whole unremarkable life
you have with Tim?

It's easy.

Robert is amazing in bed.
He's wild and adventurous

and his technique
is almost magical.

The way he kisses your ear

and brings you right
up to the edge

and then at exactly
the right moment--

He bites down
and it's pain and pleasure

and a thousand volts
of electricity

shoot through
every inch of your body.

He never helped
with the dishes, though.

Game, set and match.

[♪]

Tim, if you want Arianna back,
you have to fight for her.

Oh, no, I'm not fighting Robert.
I got priors, man.

Tim, listen to me.

You don't have to fight him.

You just need
to stand up for yourself.

Arianna wants somebody
who's strong.

You have to be manly like
a Latino man or an Italian man

or a German woman.

All right, then. She wants
manly, I'll give her manly

up the old wazoo.

Why don't we take the road
less traveled?

They tracked me here. You gotta
find a place for me to hide.

Wait, Bob, take me with you.

I still have four nipples
you haven't touched.

Damn, this bitch got
a lot of nipples.

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

Oh, no, it's all over.

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Wait a minute, who are you?

I'm his parole officer,
Julia Robertson.

I may look like a pretty woman
but I'm a steel magnolia,

and I eat, pray, love being
a parole officer

even when I have to miss
my best friend's wedding

to track down a runaway bride.

I was also in The Pelican Brief.

Parole officer?

This whole time,
you've been running scared

from your parole officer?

Resolved, bitches.

Oh, fluff me.

I said resolved,
it's a debate term.

MAN:
Camera two.

Uh-- So this whole time,
Robert, you've be--

Don't you cut away from me.

Judges of this debate final.
MAN: Adjust left.

Title IX legislation
MAN: Tighter, tighter.

has given the girls
of this nation

confidence and self-esteem.
MAN: Get off her.

ROBERTA:
As former vice-presidential candidate...

MAN:
Camera two.

ROBERTA:
...Ferraro said, opportunity is not a privilege.

MAN:
Screw it, just let her talk.

It's a right.

And that is why
your story was cut.

Trying to keep me out
of the show.

I am the damn show.

DONNA:
Someone get the medic!

TIM:
Save America's favorite smile!

There goes the Emmy.

Give us some room, people.

Hey, now that Arianna's here,

it's your chance
to win her back.

MAN: We've only got 60 seconds.
What?

MAN:
Fifty-eight seconds, need to wrap it up.

Damn Roberta,
wasting our time--

MAN: Fifty-six seconds.
Okay, okay, here's what happens.

Tim stands up to Robert, which
makes Arianna see him as a man,

or a bear or whatever.

And Robert realizes
his parole officer

just wanted to tell him
to spend more time with his son.

So he takes Rallo bowling

and Cleveland Jr. goes along too
because they have cheese fries,

which means Donna
and I are finally free

to have our romantic dinner.

Romantic dinner, quick.

[♪]

Happy anniversary, Donna.

You brought a lot
of craziness into my life

but I wouldn't have
it any other way.

MEDIC:
Clear.

I love you, Cleveland.

MEDIC:
Clear.

I love you, Donna.

MEDIC: Call it.
Eight fifty-eight.

We did it.

We really did it.
We pulled it off live.

All right.

[CHEERING]

[PLAYING SOFT MUSIC]

All right, that's all we got.
Whoo!

To my amazing crew,

sorry I've been stressed
out this week

and yelled
at those PAs earlier,

and shot that guy
in the audience.

You know it comes
from a good place.

I'd like to thank Fox and,
of course, Seth and Julia Rob--

Sorry,
the late Julia Roberts.

There's one more star in heaven.
9/11 was an inside job.

Good night, everybody.

[♪]

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