All language subtitles for Brooklyn NineNine S02E06

Wait for it...
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9:01!

Amy Santiago is officially
late for the first time ever.

All right, let's do this.
Who's got theories?

Uh...
Alarm didn't go off.

All three alarms?
All with battery back-up?

Come on, who wants
to take this seriously?

Ooh!
She was taken in her sleep!

That's what I'm talking about!

Super dark, Boyle,
but way more plausible

than the sarge's idiotic
alarm clock theory.

I bet she tucked herself
into bed too tight

and got stuck.

Mm, maybe she Fell
into another dimension

where she's interesting.

It's 9:00 A.M.
why is no one working?

Amy Santiago is
a few minutes late,

and we're all trying
to guess why.

I'd like to play.

I'd say she's in line
at the bank.

- This is fun.
- It is fun,

but you're
all wrong.

She clearly slipped through
a subway grate

and is having terrible sex
with a mole man.

There she is.
Amy.

Where have you been?

We've been worried sick.
Do you care to explain yourself?

I'm just 70 seconds late.
It's not a big deal.

Don't worry about it.

Santiago, you will tell us,
and you will tell us now.

There was a problem
at the bank.

Hot damn!

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu

So you nervous about
the trial tomorrow?

The jewelry store
break-in?

Diamond heist.

It's like you're going
out of your way

to make it sound
less cool.

I think the conviction's
a slam dunk.

Good.
Not to over state it,

but I'm definitely
gonna die alone,

and work is all I have.

I take it dating's
not going well.

What?

No! It's awesome.

What happened with
Rosa's friend, Katie?

Yeah, she turned out to be
even more closed off than Rosa.

So how long have
you known Rosa?

None of your business.

All right.

But it's not just her.

All the dates I've been on
lately have been lame.

Maybe it's you.

What are your moves?

What do you talk about?

Uh, my moves are fine, mom.

I dazzle them with
a bad-ass cop story.

Have you ever thought
about going

with your
non-work interests?

On my first date
with my wife,

all we did was talk about
our mutual love of meat loaf.

The singer
not the food.

Oh, so the weirder
of the two choices.

All right, fine.
I get what you're saying.

Your wife's awesome
and I should do everything

in my power to be
with her physically.

I mean, no, not that.

Don't talk about being a cop.

Just talk about my own
interests.

Exactly!

Hey, she's cute.

And alone.

I'll try and find
our meatloaf.

Go get her, little man.

Hello there.

Hi!

Captain...

We need to talk
about the union rep elections.

Scully is running again,
unopposed.

He is incompetent.

If there's one thing
to take away

from the new contract,
it's that holiday pay

is "now capped."

Or "not capped."

In conclusion,
the word "capped" was said.

Whoo!
Nailed it.

The only reason Scully
does the job

is because the annual
union meeting has a party sub.

He's been a rep for 12 years,
and he still pronounces

"union" as "onion."

As management, I'm not allowed
to talk about union matters.

Scully doesn't know
anything about our pensions

and he has no idea
about the new

disciplinary guidelines.

What do you think, captain?

What I think is,
I will continue

to not talk
about this issue.

Hey, you should run.

Going to meetings,
writing stuff down.

You love that nerd stuff.

"Writing things down"
is nerdy?

What do you do?

I just forget stuff
like a cool person.

Come on, admit it,
you care about this crap.

Maybe.

But I want to be
captain one day,

and union reps are always
fighting with the brass.

It's career suicide,
right, sir?

Stop trying
to get me involved, Santiago.

No! I'm already fighting
with the brass.

Look at what you've done!

Oh man, these look spicy!

We may die tonight.

You know, I actually
heard about a guy

who died while eating hot wings.
Really?

Yeah, he was terminally ill
beforehand though.

Unrelated.

I always thought I'd die
at the hands of my own clone.

Well, that's why you have
to brand the number two

into your clone's cheek.

You shouldn't have a clone
if you don't know that.

Yes.

All right,
you ready?

I'm ready.

Here we go.

That's nothing.
Amateur night.

I can't believe this had three
peppers next to it on the menu...

Oh, my God!
Ah!

- Hot!
- Oh, so spicy!

Drink the ranch!
Drink the ranch!

Ah! Ah!

Here's the stuff you left
at my place.

Your sounds of Ibiza
sleep cd,

seven phone chargers,
and an empty jar

labeled "fire spirit."

No, it's not empty.

Well, here's your stuff.

So I guess
it's officially over.

It was slightly less gross
than I expected.

Mm.

Way to be.

Uh, there is one
last thing.

The luxury sex romp
we had planned this weekend.

The hotel says the
"bubbles and bathrobes" package

is non-refundable.

See, that's why I didn't want
to pre-pay, Charles.

Yeah, but that's why
we got such a good deal.

One hour of free Wi-Fi!

Don't worry,
you can have your half

of the money back,
and I'll take the room.

Pause.

Okay, if one of us
is getting pampered all night,

it's gonna be me.

I want that room, Gina.

You can't push me around.

We're not poke pals
anymore!

Ew!

Amy Santiago,

surprised
to see you walking around.

Shouldn't you be
on your belly, you snake?

Yeah, you snake!

What is happening?

You're running against me.

What?
Rosa must've done this.

I'll get her to stop.

You know what really
burns my pants?

I considered you
my best friend.

What?
What?

Hi.
Hey now.

You are looking
very happy.

I am.

Guess what happened
last night.

Sexy-times.

Okay, now guess.

Sexy-times!

Yes! The whole night
was amazing.

We totally hit it off.

I found our meat loaf.
Wings.

The band or the show?

The food!

We went back
to her place,

watched die hards one
through with a vengeance,

did some adult stuff,
and spent the rest of the night

debating who's the better
ping-pong player.

She was adorably wrong.

How do you know
if you didn't play?

Oh, we played,
which was difficult

since she didn't have
a table or paddles.

We had to use
an avocado pit as the ball.

It was very messy.

Hey guys.

Ah, hello,
district attorney kurm.

I got lucky last night.

That's great.

Yeah.

So we have
a little delay.

Gary, the defense attorney,
isn't gonna be here.

Oh, is he sore
from high-fiving criminals

he's gotten out of jail?

Did he get
a murderer off

who then murdered him
to celebrate?

Yup.

Anyway, Gary broke his leg,
so he's being replaced.

Replaced?
He should be put down.

Like a horse.

So who's the new sub-human
piece of human garbage?

Sophia Perez.

Oh, God.

Jake, this is bad!

You slept with
a defense attorney.

You literally slept
with the enemy.

I know.

Ah, it's like if John McClane
slept with Hans Gruber.

Or even worse, Jeremy Irons
from the third one.

We didn't talk
about our jobs.

How was I supposed
to know?

Wait, are you sure
you want to do this?

Let's go over
the events of tonight.

We got drunk together,
I invited you

up to my apartment,
and I kissed you first.

No further questions.

Okay.

Uh-oh.
She's waving at you.

Hey. All right,
I'm gonna go talk to her.

Be strong.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey, so this is weird,
huh?

Yeah. You never told me
you were a cop.

Yeah, and you never told me
you were a lawyer.

Well, I didn't wanna
intimidate you.

Intimidate? Wow.

Okay, well, not to burst
your bubble,

but I'm only intimidated
by professions

that have a moral compass,
like police officer.

So you're intimidated
by your own job?

"Oh, look at me.
I'm a lawyer.

I'm so good
at word-using-itude."

And yes, I know that
that wasn't a word, right.

Okay, you know what?

I can't even believe I have
to deal with you all week.

Not a problem.

This is clearly a conflict
of interest.

So I'm just gonna talk
to the judge

and have you kicked off
the case.

Ha ha! No, there's no
conflict of interest.

Because I'm not
interested in you.

Ah.

God, I can't believe
I slept with a cop.

It's like a had sex
with Hans Gruber.

What...
I'm not the Gruber!

You're the Gruber!

Die Hard.

Captain, Rosa's trying
to make me run for union rep.

You have to stop her.

I cannot do that.

As I told you, I'm not allowed
to get involved.

It's too late anyway.

You already have
a campaign slogan.

"Pick Amy, dummies."
I wrote that.

Tell her how good it is,
captain.

Again, I cannot.

Look, I love campaigning
and making signs.

Lord knows I have enough
poster board at home.

But captain, please tell her
I shouldn't run for union rep.

I'm just gonna turn around
in my chair.

So, Amy, you're saying
I should just return this...

Button maker?

You think you can tempt me
with a t150 button maker?

Sir, you've gotta
see this.

It doesn't even make
mirror-backs.

This is a joke.

Still not participating.

I'm enjoying a magazine.

Joke's on you, Amy.
You and Scully

are giving campaign speeches

in the briefing room
tomorrow.

What?

Sir, permission
to arrest Diaz

for being a jerk.

Permission to shoot Santiago
for being a coward.

Stop it, both of you.

Now you've done it.

You've made me turn my chair.

I will not get involved,
and I will not have this office

transformed into a house
of snipes and jabs.

Dismissed.

Full disclosure, your honor.

Last night, miss Perez and I
got inebriated,

and we had colitis.

Colitis?

Coitus.

Yeah, that.

A cop and a defense attorney
sleeping together.

That's highly unusual.

At the time, I did not know
she was a defense attorney.

I should have been able
to guess, however,

based on her ability
to lie all over me.

Ha ha... a cop's attempt
to be clever.

It's like watching a horse
try to eat with a fork.

Majestic and hilarious?

Take a cold shower, horn-dog,
we're at work.

But in all seriousness,
your honor,

I do think she should
recuse herself from the trial.

Why? You think I might tell
everybody in the courtroom

that you like
to be the little spoon?

Everyone likes
to be the little spoon.

It makes you feel safe!

Carl, back me up
on this.

- Yes, little spoon all the way.
- See?

Look, I'm not
recusing myself.

I talked to my client,
and he is fine

with me staying on.

If the defendant
is okay with it,

and you two can be mature
in the courtroom,

then I see no reason
why we can't proceed.

Great.
I can be mature.

Says the guy who uses
a sunglasses case as a wallet.

Stuff can be two things.

Open up your refrigerator,
boom!

Air conditioner.
Life hacked.

Carl, back me up.

I mean, it's not
very green.

Oh, Carl.

Guys!

Guys, guys,
guys, guys!

My pizza reviews
caught the eye

of a Mr. Matt Pittle
of Pittle's Vittles,

my favorite food blog!

Wow, a local food blog.

It's all happening.

Pittle wants to have a five- hour
dinner with me tonight.

Attention, skeezy nobodies!

Tina Knowles,
Beyonce's mom-ager,

has contacted me and wants
to audition me tonight.

I've transcended
you now.

Sounds like both of you
have pretty great plans tonight.

No! You wrote the email
from Pittle

so I'd drop my claim
to the room.

That blog is sacred.

You defiled
the most sacred

and most high
miss... Tina kno-w-les!

How dare you, Charles?

How'd you get your voice
so high?

I can take it higher.

I wish you wouldn't.

The room is mine,
you scab.

No, it's mine, Gina.

I'm not backing down
this time.

I'm backing up.

Beep, beep, beep.

You nervous?

Nope.

I have an unimpeachable
eyewitness who saw everything.

Plus, I've got
a little something planned

for our lawyer friend.

Every time she
looks over,

I'm gonna hit her
with one of these.

It'll remind her
that we kissed,

and that's how
I get in her head.

I like it.

You want me to flex
and make all the buttons

pop off of my shirt?

Yes!
You can do that?

The challenge is keeping
the buttons on.

Oh, okay, okay,
okay, okay.

And you're sure
this is the man

you saw leaving the store at
the time of the diamond heist?

Nice. "Diamond heist,"
catching on.

Uh, yeah.
That's the guy.

Now, Mr. Wells,
it says here

you have a 2006 conviction
for perjury, is that correct?

Uh... yeah.

It's okay.
I knew about that.

And is Sidney Wells
actually your name,

or is it Brian Davidson?

Uh-oh.
Did not know about that one.

As in the Brian Davidson
who is facing fraud charges

in New Jersey?
Yeah.

Or that. Oh, God... okay,
time to bust out the big guns.

This is bad.

Only the judge saw me.

No further questions,
your honor.

Ugh, winking?
Real mature.

Judge gave us a recess,

but if we don't get
new evidence by tomorrow,

we have no chance.

Great pep talk, Carl.

Don't worry,
we'll get some evidence.

Excuse me one second.

Hey, that wasn't cool.

No. What wasn't cool was you
trying to air make-out

with the judge.

Those kisses
were meant for you!

Not in a romantic way,
they were psych-out kisses.

Look, you know
your client did it.

It doesn't matter
if my client did it or not.

That's what I've been saying.
It doesn't matter.

All right,
Scott, beat it.

Scott.

Look, my job is to make you
prove he did it.

It's the basis
of our entire justice system.

What, you think John Adams
was just some idiot?

No, I think John Adams
was a mini-series

I didn't watch because
it looked like a book.

Look, without a credible
witness, your case is a mess.

Kinda like your ping-pong
serve.

Oh, my God.
She smells so good.

That avocado pit
was not regulation.

Wish that had sounded cooler.

Come on, Terry,
let's go save the day.

Carl, you wanna come?

No, thank you.
All right.

All right, listen up.

We need more evidences
on this guy and we need it quick,

so no time for chit-chat.

What's going on?
You love chit-chat.

Yeah, also, your posture
seems off,

like, it's good.

Because I'm being serious

because I don't want
this perp to walk.

This isn't about the perp.

It's about this woman.

Jake slept with her.

Oh, she's so pretty.

She looks like the woman
on an olive oil bottle.

Way to go, Jake.

She's a defense attorney.

Oh, my God, are you kidding?
Boo!

Hey, guys,
let's take it easy on him.

Thank you, Terry.

But seriously, I think you need
to get checked for rabies.

Hey, I have a good rabies guy,
if you need one.

Uh-huh. All right, listen.

Can we focus up?

Our witness is useless,
so we either need to recover

the stolen gems or find
the break-in tool.

What year was
the perp's house built in?

Some of those old brownstones
had dumbwaiters.

A perfect hiding spot.

Good thinking, Amy.

All right,
I'm gonna win this case

and then we can put
my horrible sexual experience

- behind us forever.
- I don't know Jake.

I'm afraid I'm gonna think
about it every time

I look at your crotch.

Then stop looking
at my crotch!

What are you doing?

Just pointing people
to the one Detective

who actually wants to run
for union rep.

Welcome to my nightmares,
Amy-Scully minotaur.

Pretty clever signing me up
for the speech this afternoon.

But guess what?

Mine is epically bad
and way too long.

There's a section where
I just pick people out

of the crowd
and insult them.

It gets really personal.

Did you know that Hitchcock
is technically "a bastard"?

Santiago, can I talk
to you in my office?

Mm-hmm.

Blinds closed?

Are we having a pow-wow?

As you know, I shouldn't
be talking about this election

with any of my detectives,
but I will with you.

Of course.

Because you trust me.

Because you're royally
screwing up.

Oh, no, this isn't
a pow-wow.

It's a haranguing.

You bet it is.

Stop trying to tank
this election.

You know damned well
you'd make a great union rep.

But, sir, I want to be
captain one day,

and clashing with the brass
is career suicide.

Not for me.

By my very nature,
I was constantly

in conflict
with my superiors.

Listen, you're black
and gay,

so I think you should just take
all the black, gay cases.

You know, the weird stuff.

I strongly disagree.

But I still managed
to rise through the ranks.

Run for union rep, Amy.

Okay. I'll do it.

But never tell anyone
about this...

Pow-wow.

You called it a pow-wow!

So, Detective Peralta,

you found some "new"
evidence last night.

Correction, I found some damning
new evidence last night.

It was hidden in an old
dumbwaiter

in the defendant's house.

All his burglary tools,
including a glass cutter

he used to break
into the store.

Yes, but isn't it possible
my client could've used

the glass cutter for something
other than a robbery?

I mean, after all,
stuff can do two things, right?

Hey! I say that!

That's my saying!

Your honor,
she stole my saying.

People don't own sayings.

Please answer the question,
Detective.

Fine. In the same bag
as the burglary tools,

we also found shards
of glass.

And you expect us
to believe

that you found
this new evidence yesterday

just as your case was
collapsing around you?

I certainly hope so,
because it's the truth.

In fact, I believe it was
the great John Adams

who once said, "to believe
all men honest is folly.

To believe none...
Is something worse."

Let the record show
Miss Perez looks stunned

and defeated.
No further questions.

You're not allowed to say that.
Yup.

Hey, captain, I have a juicy
little Boyle nugget

I'd like to drop on you.

Okay,
please drop a nugget.

I think that the squad could
really increase its efficiency

if Gina spent the night
re-logging all our files

with keywords.

The lady doth have the skills.

Funny, she was just telling me
how you should work all night.

Say what?

Gina.

Yes?

You've both made
compelling points

about the amount of work
that needs to be done

around here, so you'll both
be pulling overnight shifts.

Before you complain, I am
once again turning in my chair.

Oh, sweet chair turn.
That's a real power move.

So good.

We, the jury,
find the defendant...

Not guilty.
Oh, come on!

Ow!

Oh, I'm in too much pain
to care how cool and strong

that made me look.

It was already
splintering.

Don't take this away
from me.

Wow, well done.
Another criminal walks free.

I hope you're proud
of yourself.

Maybe stop calling
my client a criminal,

since he was found
not guilty.

Well, I find myself not guilty
of never seeing you again.

So you will
see me again?

No!

Why, what did I say?
You know what?

You're the worst!

Jake, what are you doing,
man?

Walking angrily away
towards a door

that I now see says
"emergency exit only" on it,

so I'm turning around,
but I'm still ticked!

Look, man.
Don't screw this up.

I hate defense attorneys
as much as any rational adult,

but you obviously have
feelings for Sophia.

Yeah, anger.

I don't know.

It just seems to me
like you met your match.

You said yourself how boring
your dates have been.

But you have to admit,
Sophia wouldn't be boring.

I will admit she's not boring.

And we do have fun together.

I guess you could say
she's passably attractive.

All right, fine.
She's super hot.

God, I can't believe I'm about
to ask out a defense attorney.

And we all know
that Amy Santiago

wants to be
captain one day,

which means she will never
stand up to management.

I don't want to be captain.
I just want my party sub.

Please just give me
back my sub.

Vote Scully.

I'm gonna make this quick.

Scully said that I want
to be captain, and I do.

But that won't stop me
from standing up for you.

He also said if you voted for
him, you'd get a golden boat.

That's not real.

If I get elected,
I'll go to all

the union meetings,
actually pay attention,

and most importantly,
I'll bring back

party sub leftovers.

Thank you, Scully.

"Pick Amy, dummies."

Hello.

Hey.
How'd you find me?

I'm a Detective, remember?

I also went into a bunch
of wrong offices first.

Stole hella peppermints.

So what's up?
You here to yell at me again

for doing my job?

No, I'm here
to ask you out.

Oh.
Yeah.

There's a bar
in the West Village

that has a bunch
of ping-pong tables,

so I thought we could
head over there

and have a drink, talk,
and then, with any luck,

things will get uncomfortably
competitive.

That sounds fun.

Look, if we're going
to do this,

we're gonna have
to have a couple of rules.

Rule number one,
starting right now:

No work talk.

Perfect, we can just skip
straight to making out

on your desk.

Yeah, that's not my desk.
This is.

Copy that.

Blame it on the janitor
and make a break for it?

Absolutely.
After you.

Charles, I'm sorry that neither
of us have the room.

Yes. I, too, am disappointed
by this unfortunate stalemate.

Why are you talking
all victorian?

You're lying about something.
That's what that means.

Nonsense, m'lady.

Okay, fine... I might not be
in that hotel room right now,

but my gene pool is.

Ew.

What'd you do
in there?

I gave the hotel room
to my father

and told him to check in
under my name.

What? No!
I gave my key to my mom!

Hey.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong room.

That's okay.

Hey, wait a second,
do we know each other?

Is your daughter Gina?

Yes! And you're that
little man's father, Boyle.

Yeah.

We met at the family
food drive.

I'm Darlene Linetti.

Lynn Boyle,
pleased to re-meet you.

So what do you think's
going on here?

Mix up or something?

I don't know.

Regina's been
encouraging me

to have some...
Romantic adventures.

Holy cow.

Sync & corrections by dzimu_kairu