All language subtitles for Gordita.Chronicles.S01E01.720p.WEB.h264-KOG

- A famous comedian once said,

"Immigration is the
sincerest form of flattery."

And in 1985,

my mixed Dominican
family and I were about

to flatter the hell out of
the United States of America.

- Okay, you got to
explain this to me again.

What does Miami have
that we don't have?

Different coconuts?

- Are you kidding me?
- No.

- "I want my MTV."
"Coke is it."

"Pardon me, do you
have any Grey Poupon?"

- America is the leader
in global marketing.

This promotion is
a huge opportunity.

- I still can't believe Adela
didn't talk you out of this.

- I can't wait to
get off this island.

Okay, take everything.

If it's not in a box, I
won't need it in Miami.

- Adela, are you sure you
don't want your cafetera?

How are you gonna
make your cafecito?

- I have two words for you...

Mr. Coffee.

Cucu! Cucu!

- That little gordita was me,

Cucu Castelli,
three decades ago.

Give me that.

Gordita means "little chubby,"

and in the Dominican Republic,
it's a term of endearment.

- Cucu, what are you
doing with that rum?

- Saving the party.
Tío Rico's at it again.

Last time, he almost spun
tía Chila half to death.

- Tonta! My "Tiger
Beats" are ruined.

You cut out the page with "The
Boys of 'The Breakfast Club, '"

and now the only one
left is Judd Nelson.

- Sorry, Emilia.

I needed them for my
American Dreams collage.

- Ugh!
- No, no, no, no.

Give me the bottle.
Give me the bottle!

- They're here!

- ¿Qué te pasa? Dame eso.

- I'm gonna miss
you all so much.

But I promise, I'll write.

- You'll probably be too busy
with your new American friends,

Rob Lowe, los
Goonies, Teen Wolf.

- Don't worry.

No matter how many cool new
American friends I make,

you guys will all hold a
special place in my heart.

And when you come to visit,
we can all go to Epcot

and eat cheeseburgers
with Michael Jackson.

That was back when America
was riding high on Burger King

and the King of Pop.

Eh, con permiso!

We would just like
to say thank you

for this beautiful send-off.

Santo Domingo will
always be home for us.

- Yes, but only for a few more
days, because we are soon gonna

have a gorgeous
new home in Miami.

- Ah, well, we will come
back as often as we can

for, uh, birthdays and holidays.

- Yeah, but probably
not this year

because we'll spend
Navidad in the Keys.

- And you'll always be
welcome in our new home.

- Yes, which will have a pool...

And maybe a Jacuzzi.

Ay!

- Well, raise your glass
with us as we toast

to the United States!

- The greatest
country in the world!

- Are you sure this is it?

The song said "America
the beautiful."

I think they oversold it.
- I hate it here.

If we don't go home,
I'll die or run away.

Either way, it'll be
something dramatic.

- Don't worry... we'll only
be here for a few days.

And then we'll move
to our dream house

in the suburbs,
like papi promised,

with the lampposts

and the sidewalks
and the green lions.

- Oh, actually, you
mean lawns, Adela,

green lawns.

- That's what I said.

And you girls will have the
perfect American childhood,

unlike me, who grew
up in a one-room shack

with six people and a
rooster named Pinto.

- Girls, there's
an American saying,

"Leap, and the
net will appear."

Hmm?

Give America a chance.

What do you say?
Will you leap?

Like American astronaut
Neil Armstrong once said,

"It's one small step for man,

one giant leap for
the Castelli family."

- Oh.

- Ugh.

- You know, in some cultures,

this is considered
very good luck.

- Back in Santo Domingo,

my sister and I went to an
all-girls Catholic school

that was all about
chastity, obedience,

and piety.

Miami Palms Junior
High, however,

well, let's just say, it
would have made the nuns cry.

- Everybody here
looks like Madonna,

even the boys.

- What do you
think you're doing?

How do I look?

- Like you're auditioning
for Mary Magdalene

in the Easter play.

I can see your belly button.

- You're just jealous, Boobido.

- Boobido? What's Boobido?

- It's when your belly
sticks out farther

than your boobies do.

- Hey.

You're new, right?

I'm Chad,

part of the, uh,
welcoming committee.

Can I escort you to homeroom?

- Just like the boys
in "Tiger Beat."

- Hey! Watch where
you're going, fatso.

- Oh, my name's not
fatso. It's Cucu.

Nice to meet you.

- Hey. Fatso means
gordita, gordita.

- And that's how I
learned that in America,

gordita was not a compliment.

Here.
- Thanks.

- Oh.
- Oh.

- And it turned out, I
wasn't the only one surprised

by American ways.

So you're our new VP

of marketing for Latin America.

I'm sorry. I don't
speak the español.

- Well, that's okay.
I speak the English.

- Oh,
God. I'm Betsy from HR.

Please don't tell anyone

I assumed you didn't
speak English.

I'd hate to write
another report on myself.

- Follow me.

So, if you sign
here, here, and here,

that'll make it all official.

Oh, before I forget, here's
your first week's pay

in advance, per your request.

- Thank you.

Transnational moves
are so expensive,

and, uh, my wife wants to buy a
home as soon as possible, so...

- That's nice.

- Oh.

I'm sorry. I think
there's been a mistake.

Um, this is not my full salary.

- No, that's right.

This is your full week's
salary after taxes.

- Huh.

Um, in the Dominican Republic,

uh, taxes are more
of a suggestion.

Um...

This feels like
I'm being mugged.

- Don't I know.

Every week a third of my
paycheck goes to Uncle Sam,

and for what... roads with
potholes, the space shuttle?

Why are we sending
our money to NASA?

They're never taking
us to the moon.

I need my money here on Earth.

- Uh, I agree.

Um... For a
country that calls itself

"land of the free," this
place sure is expensive.

- Welcome to America.

- While papi was
introduced to the concept

of federal income tax,

I was trying to make
sense of the 15 minutes

of roll call and anarchy
also known as homeroom.

What do bananas, cigars,
and medical appliances

all have in common with me?

We're all exports from
the Dominican Republic.

Hi, I'm Cucu, and...

all: I pledge
allegiance to the flag

of the United
States of America...

- Back home, I knew every
prayer in the book...

The Lord's Prayer,
the Ave María,

heck, I knew the whole rosary,

but this flag prayer
was a new one for me.

Never mind a different country,

I felt like I was on
a different planet.

Everyone dressed, acted,
and even smelled different

than my friends back home.

And just when I thought

things couldn't
get any weirder...

You kissed a boy...

before marriage?

You know better.

You took human
anatomy from a nun.

Remember what Sister Ofelia
said about the vas deferens?

It's
the Devil's shotgun.

I'm telling mami.

- If you tell mami,
I'll make sure

the whole school
calls you Boobido.

- Fine.

Then just tell me, what
does his tongue taste like?

And then I saw it...

The answer to my problems...

The Under the Sea dance.

Back in the DR, I planned
all the school dances...

The Valentine's Day dance...

the Christmas dance...

the Immaculate Conception
of the Virgin Mary dance.

If I got on that committee
and threw the best

Under the Sea dance
those kids had ever seen,

everyone would want
to be my friend.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- I came in on the
Mariel boatlift,

so I have experience both
over and under the sea.

- My stepfather's a fisherman,

so I can use his
equipment as decorations

and turn the gym into
a mini Miami River...

Minus the sewage and the
dead bodies, of course.

- She was tough...
Tougher than the nuns.

- All right, Yoshy.

You're in.

- But the gym better
only look like the river,

not smell like it.

- Thank you, Safi.

- Ashley Bell, start talking.

- I can lead a group dance.

I know every move to "Thriller,"

I can do the Chicken Dance,

and I even know some
musical theater numbers.

Five, six, seven, eight...
- Next.

- In DR, those ideas
would've gotten

a standing ovation.

- New girl.

Any ideas?

- Me?

All of a sudden,
my mind was blank.

Yes. Yes. So many ideas.

Um, what do you think
about balloon arches?

- We're planning a school dance,

not selling used cars.

- Right. Right.

Um, what about sand?

- Like the quicksand
you're sinking in

with these awful ideas? Next.

- What if the DJ
plays dolphin sounds?

What if all the food was shrimp!

The stress to impress was too
much, and I was panicking.

So I did what papi
said to do. I leaped.

I can get the one
and only Gloria Estefan

to perform at the dance.

Well, maybe I lied.

Becau... because...

she's my aunt.

- Okay, new girl, you're in.

But if you don't deliver,
the entire committee

will do the Chicken Dance...

on your face.

- Oh, my God, I cannot believe

that Gloria Estefan,
Latin pop superstar

and the pride of every
Cuban, is your aunt.

- Me neither. But
she is, I swear.

- Okay, well, whatever you need,

I'm at your service,
except Sundays.

That's when abuela
and I go to church

to pray for Castro's death.

Then we go to Denny's.

- Estefan, Carlos.
Estefan, Fernando.

Estefan, Ignacio.

No Estefan, Gloria.

But Michael Jackson's
in here, like, 50 times.

Hey, give that back... I'm
about to make an important call.

- Chad said to
call him at 8:00.

Who are you gonna call anyway?
You haven't made any friends.

- None of your business.

- What's going on?

- Crazy Cucu lied and
told the kids at school

that she could get her
aunt Gloria Estefan

to sing at the dance.

- It wasn't a lie.

If we're all God's children,

then technically
we're all related.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

An americano school dance?

Como like in the movie "Grease"?

I've always dreamed
of a dance like that.

Do they need chaperones?
Because I'm available.

- Mami! She lied,
and you're happy?

- Okay, yeah, okay.
No, lying is not good.

Pero Cucu made a leap,

and now she is a bold americana.

- So just curious,

but how long after the
leap will the net appear?

Because it would be great if it
could happen by, like, Friday.

- Well, one of the great
things about America

is that you can
provide your own net.

- Ah.
- So let's send Ms. Estefan

a letter at her record label

and make her an offer
she can't refuse, hmm?

It's the American way.

Also the Italian way. Hmm?

- Papi never missed a chance

to remind us he
was half Italian.

- Oh, and make
sure to tell Gloria

about our housewarming
party... But just her.

I don't need the Sound Machine
messing up my new carpet.

- The very next day, mami
and papi toured a home

for sale in beautiful
Miami Palms...

A suburb filled with
sidewalks, lampposts,

and plush green lions.

- And this is the
spacious living room,

which looks out to the
home's best feature,

a pool,

which is why it's priced
a little bit higher.

- Ay, my God, can't you just see

our two girls splashing
around out there

and me looking fabulous,
holding a martini poolside?

Oh, my God, if Pinto
could just see me now.

- Uh, eh, a pool? Um, is
that really necessary?

Um, because, you know,
drowning in your own pool

accounts for 7% of
all accidental deaths.

I mean, don't you
want to die of old age

like a regular person?

Ah.

I, uh... I need to use a phone.
- Uh, over there.

Oh, here you go.
Take a look at this.

There has been a lot of
interest in this home.

- Oh.
- So wanted to let you know.

- No! No, no, y no!

No, you need to shoot
them inside the plane.

We're gonna be in a lot of
trouble if you shoot them

outside the plane.

- So, uh, what line of
work is your husband in?

- Business. He just
got a big promotion

because the guy
before him was... kkt.

So I am praying that things
go better for my husband.

Ay.

- Right.

- You have to remember,

this was Miami in the '80s.

Back then, only doctors

and drug dealers had pagers.

So, if he wasn't a doctor,

you can guess what the real
estate agent concluded.

- Uh, on second thought,
maybe this house isn't, um,

uh, quite right for... for you.

- No, no, no, I
love it. Don't you?

- Yes. I mean,
no, I don't know!

I don't know anything.
I didn't see anything.

I'm nobody.

- Okay.

Ah, well, we'd like
to make an offer.

- Great. Great.

Uh, come to my office Friday.
I'll have the paperwork...

I'll... I'll have it ready.

- Okay.

Mi amor!

Carpet all over.

Your posters are fabulous.

Love the sparkle.

- Thanks, Yoshy.

I inhaled a lot of glitter,

but what's art
without suffering?

- Wow.

That's the most beautiful
poster I've ever seen.

But, of course, you're
Gloria Estefan's niece.

Talent's in your blood.

- Yep, I'm her niece,
and she's my aunt.

Super related.

- This dance is
going to be so rad.

But you're putting your
posters in the wrong places.

You should put them where
the surfer guys smoke.

If the surfer guys come, then
the bubblegum girls will come.

They're the popular
girls, and if they come,

the bros will come,
the cool Latin guys,

the jocks, and the
Young Republicans.

- Wow. You're like a
walking encyclopedia

of American culture.

- Come on, I'll show you
where to put your posters.

You got to put at least
one under the bleachers.

Popular kids love dark spaces.

- And just like that,

19 posters and 4
paper cuts later,

I was on my way
to making not one,

but dos American friends.

- Hey, Chad.

I was wondering if you
want to hang out later.

- Uh...

Later?

Aw, shoot. I'm busy later.

A-and after later,
too. Just...

pretty full schedule in general.

It's just easier to see
you at the dance, cool?

- Uh, yeah.

Totally cool.

- Where's your boyfriend going?

Besides hell.

- Ooh, I heard Chad's
little mamacita got the hots

for his Oscar Mayer wiener.

- I heard she wouldn't
let go of his Don Johnson.

- Emilia, do you know
what they're saying?

They're saying
you're the mamacita

and that you touched Chad's...
- Oh, my God, no!

- Now do you miss the nuns?

Sister Ofelia would've
choked them with her rosary.

- Mami.

You're supposed to
wait in the car.

- Wait in the car?
We're in Miami.

I'm melting.

Oh.

What are those boys doing?
- Nothing.

They're, uh, the
birdwatching club.

Can we go? Please?

- Hey!

You're lucky I'm not a nun!

- Come on. No.
- Mami, please.

I don't wanna talk
about the kissy-kissy.

- No, we are going to talk
about the kissy-kissy.

You can't let a boy
kiss you so fast.

I mean, your father
wrote me a book of poems

and bought me a mango tree

before I even let
him hold my hand.

- Cucu, look what just arrived.

- It's from Gloria!

- Actually, it's from somebody
named Murray Rosenthal.

It says he's very sorry,

but Gloria can't
come to the dance

because she's on tour.

- And because she's an
international superstar

and Billboard chart topper.

- Your classmates
will understand.

- Yeah, teenagers are
very understanding.

- Emilia.
- I thought in America,

everything was possible.

Yoshy and Ashley
are gonna hate me.

- Ay. Cucu.

- Ay, Dios mío.

- Is it too late
to invite Madonna?

- It's never too
late to follow...

Yes, y-yes, it is.

- I can't wait to meet Gloria.

You think she'll
sign my guayabera?

- Wait.

Is that Cuban for boy part?

If so, I touched my
cousin's guayabera once.

By accident.
- Hmm.

- Cucu, what's wrong?

You haven't said
a word all lunch.

- It's Gloria, okay?
She's not coming.

- Oh, no!

Did she lose her voice?

Did she break an ankle? Did
the rhythm finally get her?

- There was never going
to be any rhythm, okay?

I lied. Gloria's not my aunt.

- Wait.

So Miami Sound Machine didn't
sing at your first Communion?

I was sick with
jealousy for days, Cucu... days!

Why'd you lie?

- Back home in Santo Domingo,
I had a ton of friends.

But here...

I just wanted you
guys to like me.

- I lied, too. My stepfather
isn't a fisherman.

I bought the decorations
with a loan from my abuela.

I owe her 50 bucks
and a foot rub.

- And I don't know
the "Thriller" dance.

I've never even seen the video.

It's too scary.

- So you're still my friends?

Great! Let's never lie
to each other again.

But, also, I need your help
to lie to everybody else.

Do any of you guys know

of any other pop stars
who live in Miami?

- My mom used to date the
cantor at Temple Beth Shalom.

He can totally rock the shofar.

He's like the Kenny G
of the Jewish community.

- Wait, wait, wait... What
about someone who looks

like a popstar who
lives in Miami?

- I'm not sure about this.

We haven't even had the
house inspected for mold.

Mold is even more dangerous
than swimming pools.

We should wait.
- Why should we wait?

We want to give our
daughters the best, right?

- Adela, there's something
I need to tell you.

- Hello. Nice to see you both.

This is Hank, our
security guard.

He'll be joining us
for this transaction.

- Oh, hello, Hank.
Nice to meet you.

- Um, I'm sorry, uh, why
do we need a security guy?

- Oh, considering
your line of work,

I just wanted to be safe.

- My line of work?

I don't think you know
who you're talking to.

- Don't shoot! Please,
God! I'm a single mother!

- I'm a marketing
executive at Starboard Air.

- Wait, wait, wait a minute.

Did you think that
my husband was a...

Drug... drug dealer?

- No.

But you said he made "deals,"
and the last guy... kkt.

And then you yelled in Spanish.

Oh, my... Please
don't be offended.

- Oh, well, I most
certainly am offended.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

You believe that because I'm
a dashing Latino of means

that I must be involved
in the cocaine trade?

- Well, she didn't say...
- How dare you, señora?

We are not going to be buying
a house from this racist

for at least 18 to 24 months.

Let's go, Adela.
- Hmm.

- I...

- I already touched
them all, so...

- While mami's dream house
slipped through her fingers,

I was crossing mine.

It was the night of my
first American dance.

I had made a giant leap, and
I was hoping it would pay off.

- Do you see Chad anywhere?

- Emilia, he told people
that you touched his...

pipi.

Have some self-respect.

- I'd mind my own business

if I were you, Cucu Estefan.

- And if I were you, I'd keep
my tongue in my own mouth.

- After the
realty-office debacle,

papi tried cheering up mami

by dressing up como
en la movie "Grease."

- You make a beautiful Sandy.

- We lost a beautiful home
because you're too sensitive.

- Ay, Adela, just
try to cheer up.

- How can I cheer up?

We wanted to give our
girls a better life,

and that racist diabla
ruined everything.

- There will be other houses.
- Will there?

We came here to leap forward,

but it feels like
we're stepping back.

We're living in one room
just like I did growing up.

Pinto would be so disappointed.

- Adela,
I think we need to talk.

- No, no. I don't
want to talk.

I'm gonna go chaperone and
see if the ponche's spiked.

- Girls, girls,
come over, quick.

Allow me to introduce
you to the solution

to all of our problems.

- Oh, my God.

- This is Dr. Juan Julio, DDS...

Board-certified dentist by day,

Gloria Estefan
impersonator by night.

He fixed my cousin's overbite

and performed at
her quinceañera.

- I also do braces,
veneers, and bar mitzvahs.

- He looks more
like Gloria Estefan

than the real Gloria Estefan!

Thank you so much for coming.

And thank you, Yoshy.
You're such a good friend.

- Come on. I promise
I won't kiss you.

- Emilia. What are you doing?

Get away from that boy!

- Mami, please, leave me alone.

Who I kiss is none
of your business.

- But his mother called,
and his whole family

has come down with
aliento de perro.

- Wait, what? What
the hell is that?

- Oh, it's very serious, and
you must go home immediately.

- What's your problem?

- I think I have
aliento de perro.

- That means "breath of a dog."

I can start a rumor,
too, dog breath.

Thank you, mami.
- Of course, mi'ja.

I just want you to know

that your mami will
always be there for you,

because no matter
what country we're in,

boys are idiots.

- Got it.
- All right.

- And now the moment you've
all been waiting for...

all:
Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!

- Oh, my God!

- Miami Palms Dance
Committee proudly presents

the most sought-after
entertainer in America...

and the best idea
I've ever approved...

all:
Gloria! Gloria!

- Gloria Estefan!

- He's fantastic.

- Is that Gloria?

- Maybe she changed her mind?

- Oh, God.

- That's not the real Gloria!

- Who the hell's that?

all:
We want Gloria!

We want Gloria!
We want Gloria!

- This is a bait and switch.

I warned you, new girl.

- What?

I'm as surprised as you are.

My aunt's actually my uncle?

- I'm gonna make your
life a living hell.

- We want the real Gloria!

- Yeah, give us Gloria!

- Cucu, what do we do now?

- In that moment, I realized

I had been so worried
about the lie of the party

that I forgot that I could
be the life of the party.

- What the heck is she doing?

- The conga was my net.

- Please.

- I can't believe
I'm doing this.

- Girls, come on.

- Well, you did it, Cucu.

- I guess I did.

I made two American friends,

saved the dance, and
found us a new dentist.

The leap paid off after all.

Thanks for your help.

- What are sisters for?

- Maybe they're for
showing a certain gordita

how to turn a friend
into a boyfriend?

- Oh, night, Cucu.

- Night.

I need to tell you something.

The reason I didn't
buy the house

wasn't because that real
estate lady was racist.

I mean, she was, but the
reason I didn't buy it

is because we can't afford it.

- ¿Qué?
- Well...

The truth is that I
overestimated my pay

and underestimated
the cost of living.

I mean, the taxes here,
they're astronomical.

I mean, that's what
pays for the sidewalks

and the lampposts and the...

- The green lions?

- The green lions.

I'm so sorry.

I promised you a better life,

and I'm ashamed that I
can't give it to you...

- No...
- Yet.

- Víctor.

I know I talk about big
houses and fancy dishwashers

and white pickle fences.

- It's actually white
"picket" fences.

- You cannot help
yourself, can you?

- Sorry.

- But even if I don't have that

and I just have you
and my two girls,

I'll be happy.

- Querida.

- Mm.

- But we really do
need a washing machine,

because if I have to
hand-wash one more pair

of your pantaloncillos, it's
gonna affect our sex life.

- All of a sudden, I am very
motivated to fix this problem.

- So we moved not to a suburb

with lampposts and green
lions but to Hialeah,

a working-class
Cuban neighborhood

surrounded by our
fellow caribeños.

It wasn't the house we
had dreamed about...

But it became our new home.

We even got the
pool mami wanted.

Well... almost the
pool mami wanted.

The United States turned
out to be very different

than any of us had imagined.

But in a way, there was
something familiar about it.

- Mami! Ow.
- Por favor.

- I guess that's because,
like many immigrants...

- Mr. Coffee! Oh!

- I would learn that you
can make a home anywhere...

As long as you're surrounded
by the people you love.

And America had
better get ready,

because this gordita
had very big plans.