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1
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,261
[synth music]
2
00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:13,761
♪ ♪
3
00:00:13,805 --> 00:00:17,555
I remember when life
was more normal.
4
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:19,810
But then some guy
had to go and murder
5
00:00:19,853 --> 00:00:22,903
my kid brother in cold blood.
6
00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:25,399
[screams]
7
00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:27,322
I did what anyone in my position
8
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,860
would do as a woman in the '70s.
9
00:00:29,904 --> 00:00:32,324
I became a vigilante cop,
10
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,115
or tried to.
11
00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:35,789
[panting]
12
00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,577
Guess I didn't have the
right equipment in my pants.
13
00:00:38,621 --> 00:00:41,171
[screams]
14
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:45,667
But I was able to become a
receptionist at the precinct.
15
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,422
[off-tune] ♪ Janet Fist ♪
16
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,844
♪ Vigilante receptionist ♪
17
00:00:52,427 --> 00:00:54,507
[police radio chatter]
18
00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:57,644
[soft dramatic music]
19
00:00:57,682 --> 00:00:59,682
♪ ♪
20
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:02,226
Move.
21
00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,320
Hey.
22
00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,607
- You in charge here?
- Yeah.
23
00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,780
Create a perimeter over
there. Move those people back.
24
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:15,740
- Janet Fist. Receptionist.
- This is my crime scene now.
25
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:18,294
Dissolve that perimeter.
Move those people back in.
26
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:21,328
Get them back up close.
27
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:22,373
Now I don't know who you think
28
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,375
[phone trilling] Ah.
29
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:27,297
Toledo Police, how may
I direct your call?
30
00:01:27,337 --> 00:01:29,127
Transferring.
31
00:01:29,172 --> 00:01:30,802
I'll take it from here.
32
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:35,260
- You can't kick the FBI out.
- You're just a receptionist.
33
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:37,893
Oh, I forgot to give
you your messages.
34
00:01:39,808 --> 00:01:41,558
Your brother called.
35
00:01:41,601 --> 00:01:43,731
- He's banging your wife.
- [gasps]
36
00:01:46,690 --> 00:01:48,780
Hey, you. Gimme
your gun real quick.
37
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:52,697
- Uh, okay.
- Just be really careful with it.
38
00:01:52,737 --> 00:01:54,277
Yeah, yeah.
39
00:01:54,322 --> 00:01:56,492
- [gunshot]
- Ahh!
40
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:02,083
- That's what I thought.
- Arrest her. To hell.
41
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,082
[gunshots] [people screaming]
42
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,544
[screams] [phone trilling]
43
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:12,469
Toledo Police, how may
I direct your call?
44
00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:16,177
Oh, actually, the
county deals with that.
45
00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:18,719
- [off-tune] ♪ Jane Fist ♪
- One, two, three, four!
46
00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:21,603
♪ Next time, I'll
listen to my heart ♪
47
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:24,311
♪ Next time, well,
I'll be smart ♪
48
00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:27,192
[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]
49
00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:31,740
♪ ♪
50
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,171
Ms. Miller's time off is
really working out for us.
51
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:37,865
I mean, I hate to root for
more back failure, but...
52
00:02:37,907 --> 00:02:39,677
Yeah, if we're lucky,
she'll never walk again
53
00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,661
and I'll get to sub forever.
54
00:02:41,703 --> 00:02:44,123
[both laugh]
55
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,544
I think I took it too far.
56
00:02:45,582 --> 00:02:47,502
- Yeah, that felt bad.
- Yeah.
57
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,712
Hey, you wanna do
your place tonight?
58
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,593
I was thinking we could
take a bowling ball
59
00:02:51,629 --> 00:02:53,669
and toss it on your
memory foam mattress
60
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,026
and see if a glass
of wine falls over.
61
00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,890
I've just... I've always
wanted to do that.
62
00:02:56,926 --> 00:03:00,056
Ooh, that would normally
be a very big, "Yes."
63
00:03:00,096 --> 00:03:02,556
But I have dinner with a
childhood friend tonight.
64
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,429
Oh, wow, childhood friend?
65
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:05,893
Very cool. I'd be
down to meet her.
66
00:03:05,935 --> 00:03:08,685
- He, actually.
- His name is Malachi.
67
00:03:08,730 --> 00:03:10,900
- [stammering] It's a he?
- Yeah.
68
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:13,070
No, I don't know
why I assumed she.
69
00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:15,087
It's very, very normal for
you to have a childhood friend
70
00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:18,491
that's male, you know,
or any gender, really.
71
00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,871
- It's really not a big deal.
- You'll just be bored.
72
00:03:21,910 --> 00:03:24,040
Oh, do... sorry,
do you not want me
73
00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:26,539
to come to dinner with
you and this male friend?
74
00:03:26,581 --> 00:03:28,381
[clears throat] Stop pushing.
75
00:03:28,416 --> 00:03:31,416
No, no, you're more
than welcome to come.
76
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:34,591
I'm just saying, you'd
probably be bored.
77
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,465
Oh, gosh, I gotta go.
78
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,927
- Open input on this one, guys.
- Okay.
79
00:03:42,972 --> 00:03:45,482
Don't crash your new
girlfriend's dinner.
80
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:48,187
Okay, well, I wouldn't
be crashing it, okay?
81
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,858
Because she clearly said that I
was more than welcome to come.
82
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,897
I mean, you know,
the wedding crashers
83
00:03:52,941 --> 00:03:54,794
weren't more than welcome
to attend those weddings.
84
00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:56,648
That would have been a
very different movie.
85
00:03:56,695 --> 00:03:58,315
I'd still watch it.
86
00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,257
For me, it's more about those
characters than the premise.
87
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,911
Yeah. Okay.
88
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:06,370
Yeah, see, down here is welcome.
89
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,333
You know, and here's
where I'm sitting.
90
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:10,463
All the way up here.
More than welcome.
91
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,920
Yeah, "More than welcome"
92
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,670
always means,
"Please don't come."
93
00:04:13,712 --> 00:04:15,856
Yeah, right, like I'm gonna
take social advice from a guy
94
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,880
who's constantly boring
people with map facts.
95
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,112
People are interested to
know that the entire country
96
00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:23,216
of Poland could fit
inside the state of Texas.
97
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:27,103
What? Oh!
98
00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:29,203
You're awfully quiet
over there, Sarika.
99
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,807
Because I agree with Marcus.
100
00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,114
Well, I agree, but what
do I know about women?
101
00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:36,478
Nothing. Am I right?
102
00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:39,646
You can laugh. It was
meant to be funny.
103
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,736
Look, Mr. Griffin, if
you attend this dinner,
104
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:45,702
then you're clearly feeling a
little threatened about Shayla
105
00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:48,544
having an intimate evening
with her long-term male friend.
106
00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,599
I'd actually forgotten
that he was a male friend
107
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:52,833
until you just said that
right now, you know.
108
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,729
And, guys, I bring a lot
to a dinner, all right?
109
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:56,522
I mean, if this dinner
had a title, it would be.
110
00:04:56,546 --> 00:05:00,176
"Ivy League Love Interest Gets
Shown Off To Childhood Friend."
111
00:05:00,216 --> 00:05:04,136
More like, "Kind Woman Tries
To Bond With Childhood Friend.
112
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,389
While Attention-Starved Man
Child Commandeers Evening."
113
00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:10,020
Anthony, take a lap.
114
00:05:10,060 --> 00:05:12,371
"Sounds like your girlfriend
is gonna love this dinner,"
115
00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:15,065
said the guy with no girlfriend.
116
00:05:15,106 --> 00:05:16,566
Please?
117
00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,988
Guys, I doubled down to make
the earlier one less sad.
118
00:05:20,028 --> 00:05:22,948
Mr. Griffin, if you go,
you may be putting Shayla
119
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,949
in the position to
explain inside jokes.
120
00:05:24,991 --> 00:05:27,951
And that's
121
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,874
not ideal.
122
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,974
Whenever I'm around friends
sharing jokes I don't get,
123
00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:33,958
I make sure to laugh
really hard like...
124
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,880
[laughs loudly]
125
00:05:35,919 --> 00:05:37,589
It makes people
more comfortable.
126
00:05:37,629 --> 00:05:39,709
Anyone wanna get this
train back on track?
127
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,676
The woman does not
want you there.
128
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:44,636
- Someone other than Yuyao?
- Boss, I've got it.
129
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,848
You go, and you drive
this dude insane
130
00:05:46,888 --> 00:05:49,018
by never making
direct eye contact.
131
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:52,847
Just always stare at his
forehead like I'm doing now.
132
00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,654
Oh, are you doing it now, to me?
133
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,979
Yeah. It's unnerving, right?
134
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,614
Yeah. Yeah.
135
00:05:59,651 --> 00:06:01,111
The key is to go and not care.
136
00:06:01,152 --> 00:06:03,452
Just like, "'Sup?"
137
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,908
"Nah, go on have that
little snack, girl.
138
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:08,079
You got a whole meal over here."
139
00:06:08,118 --> 00:06:10,137
Yeah, and then the childhood
friend will be like,
140
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,541
"This guy is really cool."
141
00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:12,579
And then the manager
will be like,
142
00:06:12,622 --> 00:06:14,752
"You guys are so cool.
143
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:16,711
Everything's on
the house tonight."
144
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:18,671
And then they order,
like, a million apps.
145
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,272
And then Mr. Griffin
brings in the leftovers
146
00:06:20,296 --> 00:06:22,506
for lunch tomorrow, but
he can't eat all those.
147
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:24,719
So then he throws
them in the trash.
148
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,849
Yeah, but we put a new
bag in the trash can.
149
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:30,676
So we're munching on
mozzarella sticks all day.
150
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:35,562
Nah, y'all just took what
I did and made it bad.
151
00:06:35,603 --> 00:06:38,313
Guys, I'm not going to this
dinner out of jealousy, okay?
152
00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:40,776
Or because I feel, like,
threatened in some way, okay?
153
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,437
It's not that, all right?
154
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,565
I'm organically permeating this
new layer of our relationship.
155
00:06:45,613 --> 00:06:46,953
She hadn't invited me
156
00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,467
to hang out with any of
her close friends yet.
157
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:50,081
And she still hasn't.
158
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:54,908
More than welcome!
159
00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:57,582
[school bell rings]
160
00:06:57,625 --> 00:06:59,312
And then he said his
job was top secret.
161
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,147
So you know what that
means. He's probably a...
162
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:02,523
- Serial killer.
- A food inspector.
163
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:05,377
[sobbing]
164
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,295
Oh, no. Helen, what's wrong?
165
00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:10,104
It's Tanya. It's over.
166
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,268
She dumped me.
167
00:07:12,307 --> 00:07:16,807
I can't, I'm so
stressed. And I'm so sad.
168
00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,153
- And my hair is falling out.
- Oh.
169
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,149
Look.
170
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,281
[grunts]
171
00:07:22,317 --> 00:07:24,487
- Oh.
- [screams]
172
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,987
Look at that. It just falls out.
173
00:07:26,029 --> 00:07:29,369
- Wait, Helen. Tanya?
- Who you just started dating?
174
00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:32,867
The love of my life for
the last four whole weeks.
175
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:35,621
Oh, I would love it if
you would slow down.
176
00:07:35,663 --> 00:07:36,663
Okay.
177
00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:39,746
[sobbing]
178
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,293
[snorts, sniffles]
179
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:45,166
I know that I haven't had
that long of a relationship,
180
00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:48,755
but we were practically engaged.
181
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,722
- Okay.
- You know what you need, Helen?
182
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,392
You need a gurbs night.
That's girls plus Durbs.
183
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:57,641
Yes. You know, tonight we
celebrate independence.
184
00:07:57,686 --> 00:07:59,896
Yes.
185
00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,058
I'm a little surprised
186
00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:04,106
you really wanted
to come tonight.
187
00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:06,950
There are some things I
should prepare you for.
188
00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,856
- You guys have slept together.
- I get it. It's cool.
189
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,526
I'm not threatened
in the least, okay?
190
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,735
I mean, you don't
need my permission
191
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:15,445
to have had a life
before me, so...
192
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,745
Yes, that's correct.
193
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:20,999
But if it helps, we
have never even kissed.
194
00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,882
Oh, re... okay, well,
then, if anything,
195
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,231
I feel sorry that you missed out
196
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,922
on what could've been
a nice little kiss.
197
00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:29,545
But seriously, you don't need
to prepare me for anything.
198
00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:32,262
- I'm...
- Hey. Malachi.
199
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,353
Oh, hi. Jack.
200
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,638
I'm so [bleep]
pumped to meet you.
201
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:37,118
- Bring it in here, brother!
- [grunts]
202
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:41,062
God, I was so, I don't
know, like... like, nervous.
203
00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,364
[both laugh]
204
00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:45,398
Wow. I wasn't just
prepared for that.
205
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,322
I'm going over.
206
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,030
I'm going under.
207
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,320
[both laugh]
208
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,323
[quirky music]
209
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,826
♪ ♪
210
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,368
Okay, good. Yeah.
211
00:08:57,412 --> 00:09:00,712
Uh, so tell me, Malachi,
212
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:04,289
how did you guys...
How did you guys meet?
213
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:08,086
You're joking, right?
214
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,921
Wait, did she not tell you?
215
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:11,296
We've both had crazy busy days
216
00:09:11,343 --> 00:09:12,763
so I haven't been able
217
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,512
to fully fill him in
yet on all the deets.
218
00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,264
- I see.
- You know what, actually,
219
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:19,426
I think it's entirely possible
that this is my fault.
220
00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,266
My brain is like Swiss cheese
221
00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:23,080
when it comes to remembering
little details like,
222
00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:24,814
"How did these
people meet again?"
223
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,936
And like, "When is the
McRib coming back?" [laughs]
224
00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:30,704
22 years ago, I
took a man's life.
225
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,006
I beat him to death
because I didn't like
226
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,410
the look on his face.
227
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:36,449
I was young and I was stupid.
228
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,543
And during my first year
at Toledo Correctional,
229
00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:41,158
I received a bunch of letters
from local 6th graders.
230
00:09:41,206 --> 00:09:43,416
I responded to the only
one who didn't seem like
231
00:09:43,458 --> 00:09:46,798
she was just doing a
homework assignment,
232
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:49,336
Shayla Lorraine Howard.
233
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:51,171
[dramatic music]
234
00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,296
And then you guys became,
like, pen pals or...
235
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,433
[laughs]
236
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:57,179
I see why you like
this mother[bleep].
237
00:09:57,222 --> 00:10:00,142
Yeah, I'd say that's, like,
the understatement of the year.
238
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:01,773
There is no one on
God's green earth
239
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:06,310
that I know more deeply than
this angel sitting right there.
240
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,776
And I've heard enough
about this little dude
241
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,487
to make me puke.
242
00:10:10,527 --> 00:10:13,487
[quirky music]
243
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,570
♪ ♪
244
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,366
Can we get some
drinks over here?
245
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:19,620
What can I get you guys?
246
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:20,701
Merlot, please.
247
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:23,075
The lady knows what I want.
248
00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:25,753
- Seagram's 7 and a RC Cola.
- And?
249
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:26,882
Hold the RC Cola.
250
00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:28,878
[both laugh]
251
00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,090
The lady also knows what I want.
252
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,682
Your most buttery Chardonnay?
253
00:10:34,718 --> 00:10:36,468
- No, no.
- Well, don't write that down.
254
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:39,431
I'm not having that. I
don't... that was one time.
255
00:10:39,472 --> 00:10:43,812
I actually will also have a
Seagram's 7 and the RC Cola,
256
00:10:43,852 --> 00:10:46,772
but hold the Seagram's
7 and the RC Cola
257
00:10:46,813 --> 00:10:48,733
and instead bring
me a Dewar's, neat.
258
00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:51,193
[laughs] C'mon, get over here.
259
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,494
The handsome ones usually
aren't this funny.
260
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:56,818
- Muah! [Laughs]
- Muah!
261
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,905
- Even Stevens on the kisses.
- [laughing]
262
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:08,561
- [laughter, chatter]
- I know. I know.
263
00:11:08,585 --> 00:11:10,585
I'm doing it.
264
00:11:10,628 --> 00:11:12,378
- Yeah.
- I'm moving on.
265
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:16,012
I'm sitting, I'm smiling,
I'm admiring the candle.
266
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,841
I'm reaching into my pocket.
267
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:19,926
I'm texting Tanya. "I'm
nothing without you."
268
00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,311
Let me see that.
269
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:23,348
- Give it to Stef, c'mon.
- Let me see that.
270
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,021
I'm changing her name to
her worst quality, okay?
271
00:11:26,061 --> 00:11:27,901
That's what I do
for all my exes.
272
00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,147
See, I've got "Weird
about grapes."
273
00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:31,520
All right?
274
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:34,566
And there's "Won't stop
talking about his sister."
275
00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,201
I'll just put "Bad Tanya."
276
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:39,197
Oh, I've got Professional
Mascot Badger,
277
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:42,910
Professional Mascot Beaver,
Amateur Mascot Horse.
278
00:11:42,952 --> 00:11:44,872
Guess I had a phase. [Laughter]
279
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,543
Sweet tea.
280
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:48,381
Ooh, thank you.
281
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:52,046
- Pitcher of margarita.
- Thank you.
282
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:54,007
- Jealous.
- [overlapping chatter]
283
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,297
I'm very jealous of her.
284
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,901
- Oh, yeah, I'll start it off.
- I'm jealous.
285
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:59,885
- Okay, guys.
- It's Gurbs Night Put-ups time.
286
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,468
- Pa-pa-pa-pa!
- Mm!
287
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:02,813
Aww, yes.
288
00:12:02,847 --> 00:12:05,227
Helen Henry Demarcus,
you are beautiful,
289
00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:08,346
and you always have gum
and fresh ass breath.
290
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:11,605
Wait, that came out wrong.
Ass fresh breath... breath?
291
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:13,938
- And you are strong.
- I've never seen a woman
292
00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,878
catch so many Canadian
geese with her bare hands.
293
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,242
Yeah, that's right.
294
00:12:17,278 --> 00:12:21,988
Not to mention, you have
a very powerful bite.
295
00:12:22,033 --> 00:12:25,663
- And Ralph took mine.
- Come back to me.
296
00:12:25,704 --> 00:12:26,834
[laughter]
297
00:12:26,871 --> 00:12:29,251
Okay, chill.
298
00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:30,790
Helen?
299
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,816
There's something
I wanna show you,
300
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,760
you little slice
of mincemeat pie.
301
00:12:39,801 --> 00:12:42,101
This was my grandma's.
302
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:45,597
She wore it until the
day after she died.
303
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,180
And I want you to do the same.
304
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:54,020
And she just put a ring
on the waitress's finger.
305
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,105
- Boy.
- C'mon.
306
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,991
And they both just
entered the bathroom.
307
00:12:59,029 --> 00:13:02,619
Because they both have
to go to the bathroom.
308
00:13:02,657 --> 00:13:03,907
No, Michelle.
309
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,370
[gasps] Oh, I get it.
310
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,407
[laughs]
311
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,286
Well, when Shay Shay broke
her leg in high school
312
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:14,884
and had to quit the ski team,
she was pretty bummed out.
313
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,959
So I had my cellmate
break my finger.
314
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,545
And together we became
315
00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:22,220
both: The Broken Bones
Brigade. [laughs]
316
00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,350
- I love that.
- A permanent tattoo.
317
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,427
She drew it.
318
00:13:25,472 --> 00:13:27,972
Jack, you have an
amazing woman here.
319
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:30,636
Well, Malachi, you're
an amazing guy.
320
00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:33,395
- Go on with that snack girl.
- I'm a full meal.
321
00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,818
- What was that, Jack?
- Oh, nothing.
322
00:13:36,691 --> 00:13:39,151
I probably would have cut my
wrists with a toilet shard
323
00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:41,005
if it weren't for her. You
know, it was your basic.
324
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,489
"Legends of the Fall" situation.
325
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,780
First, she was like
a little sister.
326
00:13:44,824 --> 00:13:47,414
Next thing you know I'm like
Brad Pitt scalping Nazis
327
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:49,122
if anyone dared lay
a finger on her.
328
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,582
- Yeah, you know...
- [chuckles]
329
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:53,673
Technically he did that
because of his brother.
330
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,770
And they weren't Nazis, they
were just German soldiers but...
331
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:57,980
Well, someone knows a lot
about "Legends of the Fall."
332
00:13:58,004 --> 00:14:00,804
- I do.
- Fine, Jack.
333
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,890
Maybe you do know more about
"Legends of the Fall" than me.
334
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:07,057
If you need that, it's fine.
335
00:14:07,097 --> 00:14:09,467
Jesus Christ.
336
00:14:09,516 --> 00:14:12,436
[tense music]
337
00:14:12,477 --> 00:14:16,437
♪ ♪
338
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,571
I know the ring happened fast,
339
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,398
but when you know, you know.
340
00:14:20,443 --> 00:14:23,073
Keith said he knew we were
destined to be together
341
00:14:23,113 --> 00:14:27,203
the moment his brother
left me at the altar.
342
00:14:27,242 --> 00:14:28,542
I don't know, y'all.
343
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,536
I don't think this Kylie
is a great listener.
344
00:14:30,578 --> 00:14:33,368
I said I wanted tater
tots and not fries.
345
00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:35,705
See, this is why I was worried
when she took our orders
346
00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:37,380
without writing anything down.
347
00:14:37,419 --> 00:14:38,729
I'm like, "What are
you trying to prove?"
348
00:14:38,753 --> 00:14:41,383
Exactly. And she didn't
remember napkins either.
349
00:14:41,423 --> 00:14:43,843
Did she expect me to eat
these ribs carefully?
350
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:48,603
- Yeah, I just don't get it.
- Like, how are they doing
351
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:50,558
what they're doing
in there, you know?
352
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,978
Like, what's the bed?
353
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,561
Okay, I've only had
sex in beds, okay?
354
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:59,234
There, I said it. I've
only had sex in beds.
355
00:14:59,274 --> 00:15:01,074
Now you're... you're
the only ones who know.
356
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,899
[all chuckling]
357
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,744
- [both panting]
- Oh.
358
00:15:05,780 --> 00:15:07,370
Whew!
359
00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:11,290
Hey, I was gonna use that
for my birth control,
360
00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,747
- but screw it.
- Thanks.
361
00:15:13,788 --> 00:15:15,618
That was my water.
362
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,669
Where are my manners?
363
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:24,171
This is Kylie. She
is the air I breathe.
364
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:26,965
Air I breathe, these
are my work friends.
365
00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:28,487
- Right. We met.
- Remember she told us
366
00:15:28,511 --> 00:15:30,431
the special was ham
salad and we all went,
367
00:15:30,472 --> 00:15:32,772
"Ew, that's not
special, that's nasty."
368
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:33,977
- Yeah.
- Remember?
369
00:15:34,017 --> 00:15:36,477
You got a little
guac on your nose.
370
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,719
Then get it.
371
00:15:40,190 --> 00:15:42,650
Excuse me. Air Helen Breathes,
372
00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:44,652
can I please get a
little bit of water?
373
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,074
Sure. Sorry.
374
00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:48,452
Is there anything else
that you guys need or?
375
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:50,160
I speak on behalf of all of us
376
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:54,330
that you are literally
all that we need.
377
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:57,121
Yeah, sure, you, and also,
can we get a few napkins?
378
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,665
I feel bad using Stef's coat.
379
00:15:58,708 --> 00:16:00,748
Oh, uh-uh.
380
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:04,964
Helen, I feel it is my
responsibility to say
381
00:16:05,006 --> 00:16:07,376
that you seem to be
moving kind of fast
382
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:09,755
and maybe headed towards
the same mistakes
383
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,893
that you made with Tanya.
384
00:16:11,930 --> 00:16:15,140
- Yeah.
- You guys don't know me.
385
00:16:16,434 --> 00:16:19,524
She's been there for me
in ways y'all never have.
386
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:22,152
Helen, she hasn't even been
there to get you a fork.
387
00:16:22,190 --> 00:16:24,610
This is how I
always eat chicken.
388
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:27,571
[quirky music]
389
00:16:27,612 --> 00:16:29,112
♪ ♪
390
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,405
You don't have to watch.
391
00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:38,373
You know what? Forget you guys.
392
00:16:39,958 --> 00:16:41,158
[grunts]
393
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:51,679
[laughter]
394
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,180
Jack, do you realize how
special this woman is?
395
00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:56,272
She taught me sign language.
396
00:16:56,307 --> 00:16:58,557
- Through the mail?
- I had a deaf cellmate.
397
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,401
Made it so I could
talk to someone.
398
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,017
Oh, show him the sign
that you made up, Chi.
399
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,864
- Oh, I don't know.
- Let me see it.
400
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:06,319
Okay, yeah.
401
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:11,818
- Oh, okay. Yeah, that's cool.
- What does that mean?
402
00:17:11,865 --> 00:17:13,695
It represents an emotion
403
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:16,792
that the English language
does not have a word for...
404
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:20,078
When you want something
but you can't have it.
405
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,436
Oh, well, you know, just
off the top of my head
406
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,880
there's unobtainable,
elusive, ungettable...
407
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:27,210
Gift time.
408
00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:30,045
- Right.
- You said you brought a present.
409
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:31,511
[clears throat]
410
00:17:36,639 --> 00:17:38,269
Chi,
411
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:41,228
I can see you worked really hard
412
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:44,269
and put a lot of
thought into this,
413
00:17:44,314 --> 00:17:46,734
but this makes me uncomfortable.
414
00:17:46,775 --> 00:17:49,855
You know that though, don't you?
415
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:55,203
You normally give me beautiful
drawings like those tall ships.
416
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:56,871
Is this some sort of power move
417
00:17:56,910 --> 00:17:59,120
because you knew that
Jack was gonna be here?
418
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:02,292
- Can I see it, please?
- Just real quick.
419
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,962
Excuse me, sir. Could
you do me a big favor?
420
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,751
Could you throw this in
your filthiest garbage can?
421
00:18:07,796 --> 00:18:11,166
- Yeah, okay.
- I'll definitely do that.
422
00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:12,676
I'm bouncing.
423
00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:15,297
You two will probably have
more fun without me anyway.
424
00:18:19,057 --> 00:18:22,267
I knew having the two of you
meet would be a disaster.
425
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:24,150
That's why I told
you not to come.
426
00:18:24,187 --> 00:18:26,357
You told me not to come?
427
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:28,068
You said I was
more than welcome.
428
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:29,938
That means don't come.
429
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:31,784
[sighs]
430
00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:34,410
That's what Marcus said.
431
00:18:39,369 --> 00:18:41,789
[soft music]
432
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,250
[sighs]
433
00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:46,420
I'm really sorry he
left because of me.
434
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,009
- He's at the host stand.
- What?
435
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:52,086
Oh.
436
00:18:52,132 --> 00:18:54,182
You know what? I'll
go talk to him.
437
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:57,097
- Go ahead.
- You're more than welcome.
438
00:18:57,137 --> 00:19:01,057
♪ ♪
439
00:19:01,099 --> 00:19:03,229
Okay.
440
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,228
Hey, bud, you might
wanna slow down on those.
441
00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:06,440
We still have dessert.
442
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,269
Life hack, free
mints are dessert.
443
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,605
Oh, okay. Well, hey, listen,
444
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,360
you know, if you
want something else,
445
00:19:12,402 --> 00:19:14,202
we did just order a big brownie.
446
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,830
Shay Shay and I always
order the apple pie.
447
00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:22,499
Oh?
448
00:19:22,537 --> 00:19:24,306
All right, well, hey, if
you guys want apple pie,
449
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:26,120
I'm not gonna stand in the way.
450
00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,586
Hey, what was she talking
about with the tall ships?
451
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,706
- What, my drawings?
- Yeah.
452
00:19:30,754 --> 00:19:33,304
I mean, I have pictures.
453
00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,930
- Can I see 'em?
- Oh.
454
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:37,637
[clears throat] Okay.
455
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,717
Well, this tall ship there's
a shark coming straight at it.
456
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,394
You can't see it
'cause it's underwater,
457
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:43,772
but, I mean, I know it's there.
458
00:19:43,808 --> 00:19:45,388
Oh, no, no, no.
459
00:19:45,435 --> 00:19:48,435
I know it's there too because
of how scared the sailors look.
460
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,980
Yeah, that's really
good, man. Wow.
461
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:56,145
♪ ♪
462
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,196
[clears throat]
463
00:19:58,239 --> 00:20:02,329
I am truly sorry
about the drawing.
464
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:05,999
It sucked.
465
00:20:06,039 --> 00:20:07,169
Thanks, Malachi.
466
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:10,127
[mellow music]
467
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,668
♪ ♪
468
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:14,551
- Good job on the hands.
- Incredibly realistic.
469
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:18,089
Hands are not easy to
draw. [both chuckle]
470
00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:22,604
You know, Malachi, we should
do this again some time.
471
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:25,845
Golly gee, do you
really mean it?
472
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:32,320
[tense music]
473
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:34,067
[burps]
474
00:20:34,109 --> 00:20:36,359
I was kind of asking for real.
475
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,203
I was just protecting
myself with sarcasm.
476
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:41,698
Oh, okay. Well, yes, for real.
477
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,411
Yeah, that would
be cool with me.
478
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,712
Quick, choose between us!
479
00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:48,536
- What do you mean?
- One lives, one dies.
480
00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:50,421
Who's it gonna be? Just a game.
481
00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:53,668
Oh, God. One lives, one dies.
482
00:20:53,712 --> 00:20:55,606
Well, I mean, I guess I
gotta go with Shayla to live.
483
00:20:55,630 --> 00:20:56,920
- [bleep].
- Oh.
484
00:20:56,965 --> 00:21:00,255
- No, no, I'm fine.
- I'm fine. I'm fine.
485
00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:02,221
You and I just met tonight.
486
00:21:02,262 --> 00:21:04,262
Plus, we're dating.
487
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:06,465
Right. Stupid.
488
00:21:06,516 --> 00:21:08,226
Probably wasn't
even a fun debate.
489
00:21:08,268 --> 00:21:09,388
Thank you for humoring me.
490
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:11,056
[chuckles] It's fine.
491
00:21:11,104 --> 00:21:12,904
It's a very fun game.
492
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,729
[both chuckle]
493
00:21:17,569 --> 00:21:19,609
[no inaudible speech]
494
00:21:19,654 --> 00:21:23,324
Okay, I've narrowed it down
to a few non-bed places
495
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:27,246
that I wanna try sex:
A couch, a hot tub,
496
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:30,417
the ocean.
497
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:33,077
But the ocean, that's
more for making love.
498
00:21:33,126 --> 00:21:35,046
All: Yeah.
499
00:21:35,086 --> 00:21:38,256
- You wanna save it for that.
- Make it special.
500
00:21:38,298 --> 00:21:40,628
It's over.
501
00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:43,425
I got dumped by a fiancée for
the second time in one week.
502
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:44,970
Helen, I'm sorry.
503
00:21:45,013 --> 00:21:47,933
- But you know what?
- You're gonna be okay.
504
00:21:49,476 --> 00:21:52,266
Oh, hello, waitress.
505
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:55,612
Hello, ma'am.
506
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,108
Can I get you guys
anything else?
507
00:21:57,150 --> 00:21:58,530
Yes. We need napkins.
508
00:21:58,568 --> 00:22:00,948
We need ketchup.
We need more water.
509
00:22:00,987 --> 00:22:02,697
And I need my
grandma's ring back.
510
00:22:02,739 --> 00:22:05,829
I am gonna try the churro bites.
511
00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:11,407
It's time to stop talking
about it and just... do it.
512
00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:13,076
We'll get the check.
513
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:16,804
Will this be on one card?
514
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,666
[sighs] Or I could
split it five ways?
515
00:22:18,713 --> 00:22:20,263
- That would be amazing.
- Could you?
516
00:22:20,298 --> 00:22:21,758
- All right, you guys.
- Thank you.
517
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:23,840
- That's my card.
- Here we go. There we go.
518
00:22:23,885 --> 00:22:27,215
- [overlapping chatter]
- I just... it keeps it nice.
519
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:29,723
- That was nice of her.
- [sighs]
520
00:22:29,766 --> 00:22:31,426
I forgot how sweet she could be
521
00:22:31,476 --> 00:22:34,686
with stuff like that sometimes.
522
00:22:34,729 --> 00:22:36,309
I'm gonna go thank her.
523
00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:39,026
♪ ♪
524
00:22:44,823 --> 00:22:48,543
Ms. Fist, it's time
we had a little talk.
525
00:22:48,576 --> 00:22:51,746
You have been way outta
your jurisdiction.
526
00:22:51,788 --> 00:22:54,168
You're just a damn receptionist.
527
00:22:54,207 --> 00:22:55,957
Now, hand over the gun!
528
00:22:56,001 --> 00:22:57,671
Hello, Mayor.
529
00:22:57,711 --> 00:22:59,591
You're more than
welcome to have it.
530
00:22:59,629 --> 00:23:01,129
[dramatic music]
531
00:23:01,172 --> 00:23:04,382
To death.
532
00:23:04,426 --> 00:23:07,296
To hell. [Gunshot]
533
00:23:07,345 --> 00:23:11,055
♪ ♪
534
00:23:11,099 --> 00:23:14,349
- [off-tune]
- ♪ She regrets every kill ♪
535
00:23:14,394 --> 00:23:16,774
♪ Every single kill ♪
536
00:23:16,813 --> 00:23:18,983
♪ She's Janet Fist ♪
537
00:23:19,024 --> 00:23:24,114
♪ And she's trying her best ♪
538
00:23:24,154 --> 00:23:28,664
♪ She's Janet Fist and
she's trying her best ♪
539
00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:34,460
♪ She's trying her best ♪
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