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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:05,920 Shauna Sharkey's niece works for the company, you see. Right. 2 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:09,080 Every voucher entitles you to a free item of make-up, 3 00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,280 a lip liner, a mascara... Shite! 4 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:13,400 ..an eyebrow pencil or what have you. 5 00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:15,880 I nearly took her hand off, Mary. This is all I need. Gerry! 6 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:17,920 But there's a catch. I thought there might be. 7 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:22,000 The retailer will accept one voucher per customer only. 8 00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,720 Now, what that means, Mary... 9 00:00:23,760 --> 00:00:25,440 I know what it means, Sarah. Gerry! 10 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,440 It means I can't hand over 22 vouchers and say, 11 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,360 "Give us 22 items." 12 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:32,480 No? Gerry! 13 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:35,320 But if we were to head up to town with a bag of disguises. 14 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,080 Bag of disguises? Couple of quick changes 15 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,880 in the Richmond Centre toilets. No chance! Gerry! 16 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,760 Gerry! But the offer ends today, Mary. 17 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,080 Gerry! Gerry! 18 00:00:43,120 --> 00:00:45,000 Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! Gerry! 19 00:00:45,040 --> 00:00:46,680 Was someone calling? Hot water's gone again. 20 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,560 That bloody boiler! We'll have to ring the plumber. 21 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:50,000 Mother, have you seen my fountain pen? 22 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,120 We're talking about free make-up here, Mary. The plumber? 23 00:00:52,160 --> 00:00:53,560 The number's in my wee address book, Da. 24 00:00:53,600 --> 00:00:54,960 I'm sick saying we need a new boiler. 25 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,160 Mammy, my fountain pen... We can't afford a new boiler. 26 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:59,080 Tight hole! No, no, no, no, no! 27 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:01,680 And let's face it, you could be doing with a bit of bronzer, Mary. 28 00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:04,480 I had it down here last night, remember? I was working on my novel. 29 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,480 It's on the phone table there. My fountain pen? 30 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:08,840 My address book! I'm not looking for your address book! 31 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,600 You'd give Casper a run for his money, no offence. Jesus Christ! 32 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,600 I don't like strawberry Pop Tarts. I like chocolate Pop Tarts. 33 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:17,520 Mammy? Pen? Right, here you go. Here's a pen. 34 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:20,240 That's a Biro. I mean, I've seen corpses that are a better colour. 35 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:21,640 I can't write with a Biro! 36 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,760 Which means I end up eating them out of pity. 37 00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,000 You might as well ask Van Gogh to paint with a trowel. 38 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:30,600 Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up! 39 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,640 Will you all just please shut up? I am sick of it! 40 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:35,720 I am sick of the boiler and the vouchers 41 00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:38,360 and the fountain pens and the bastardin' Pop Tarts. 42 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,400 I am sick of the fact that I am responsible 43 00:01:41,440 --> 00:01:45,240 for everything in this house, you useless, useless shites! 44 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:48,200 Enough is enough. You can all sort yourselves out for once! 45 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,040 Now... 46 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,600 I'm going to go upstairs and have a long, hot soak in the bath. 47 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:59,840 And I do not want disturbed - is that understood? 48 00:01:59,880 --> 00:02:01,000 There's no hot water. 49 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,600 Christ almighty! 50 00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:16,720 All right? Where's James? 51 00:02:16,760 --> 00:02:18,680 Ach, Jesus Christ! 52 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:20,960 If I've left him on the bus again my ma's gonna go nuts. 53 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,880 Hi, guys! Bye guys! 54 00:02:23,920 --> 00:02:26,080 They're doing this 24-hour danceathon thing. 55 00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:28,800 They haven't slept. What? Why are they so bouncy? 56 00:02:28,840 --> 00:02:31,240 They're off their tits on lemon sherbet. 57 00:02:31,280 --> 00:02:35,000 Seriously, between them and Marcel Marceau over here, I... Ugh! 58 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,520 How's it going? 59 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,480 You're really not gonna talk for 24 hours? 60 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:43,040 Yeah, that's tough. You're better off not breathing. 61 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,720 Would she be, Orla? Or...would she be dead? 62 00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:47,600 It's not doing me any harm. 63 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:50,520 What? I'm not breathing for Children in Need. 64 00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,360 That's happening now, is it, you're currently not breathing? 65 00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:54,800 Correct. 66 00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:59,040 Grand. Well, I am planning on visiting the hospital. 67 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,600 I'm going to read the sick kids some of my work. 68 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,040 No, Erin. Them wains have suffered enough. 69 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:07,640 Well, what's your great philanthropic plans? 70 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:09,160 In English, please? 71 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:10,800 What are you doing for Children in Need? 72 00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:12,720 I might cut my hair. 73 00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:15,320 Charlene Kavanagh made a shit ton when she done it last year, 74 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,040 and I'm trying to save for a holiday, so... 75 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,600 You can't keep the money, Michelle. You've to give it to the charity. 76 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:22,000 What? Do you not just give them the hair? Ah, fer... 77 00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:25,640 Hey, I passed! I passed! 78 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:26,880 What are you on about? 79 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,200 My driving test. I...I passed. 80 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:30,800 You were doing your driving test? 81 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,720 It's literally all I've talked about for weeks. Jesus Christ, James! 82 00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:35,560 There's only so many ways I can say this.... 83 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,360 We. Don't. Listen. To. You. 84 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:40,800 You've seen my instructor pick me up at the school gates a dozen times! 85 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:42,600 What did you think was going on? 86 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:44,200 I just thought he was some sort of creep. 87 00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:45,840 Yet you didn't try to intervene? 88 00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,800 You seemed happy enough. I see... 89 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:51,920 MUSIC: Intro to Feeling Hot Hot Hot by The Merrymen 90 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:55,400 # Ole, ole, ole, ole 91 00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,200 # Ole, ole, ole, ole... 92 00:03:58,240 --> 00:03:59,720 Oh, God, please no! 93 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,400 # Feeling hot hot hot 94 00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:05,640 # Feeling hot hot hot #. 95 00:04:05,680 --> 00:04:07,200 No, no, no, no. 96 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:08,360 MUSIC STOPS 97 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:09,640 Thank you, girls. 98 00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:12,960 We won't forget that performance in a hurry... 99 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,760 ..no matter how hard we try. 100 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:18,760 Now, amidst the merriment, it's easy to forget 101 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:25,120 there is a serious and rather depressing side to Children in Need, 102 00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:27,440 mainly the fact that Father Peter has decided to come 103 00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:29,120 and talk to us about it. 104 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,080 Father? 105 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:35,200 Holy Christ. That pony tail is gonna bring my breakfast up. 106 00:04:35,240 --> 00:04:36,360 SHE WRETCHES 107 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,280 Great stuff. Thank you, Sister. 108 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,520 Firstly, well done on the almighty effort so far. 109 00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:44,520 We'll be announcing the grand total raised 110 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:47,000 at our Stars in their Eyes evening on Friday. 111 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,360 And tonight, Matthew, I'm gonna be...nowhere near that shit. 112 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:53,880 Fantastic way to round off this week of complete madness. 113 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:56,440 I don't know whose idea it was, but it was genius. 114 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:57,920 It was your idea. Ah, now. 115 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,520 You said, "Can we have a Stars in their Eyes night?" 116 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,120 Is that right? Well, sure, there you are. 117 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:04,400 And I said absolutely not. I see. Well, sure all's well... 118 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,880 And then you started begging. ..that ends well, as they say. 119 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,440 At one point it looked like you were going to cry. 120 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,520 I think you've maybe slightly misremembered there. 121 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:14,360 And we've got a pretty exciting first prize lined up. 122 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,520 The winner will get a chance to... 123 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:20,680 Drum roll, please, Sister. Have you lost your actual mind? 124 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,720 ..perform their song live on TV. What about that now? 125 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:26,440 MICHELLE GASPS 126 00:05:26,480 --> 00:05:27,600 Yes! 127 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,120 Sarah? Is that... 128 00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,040 Are you wearing a wig? 129 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,000 I don't want to get into it, Gerry. Good, neither do I. 130 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,920 I thought I'd nip back before Mary gets out of work 131 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,400 and give the place a bit of a going over. 132 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,640 She didn't go to work. What? 133 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:49,040 I don't know what's going on with her, Gerry, but I'm worried. 134 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,000 She's banging on about feminism. 135 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,600 She's talking about joining the Women's Coalition. 136 00:05:53,640 --> 00:05:54,840 Oh, Jesus! 137 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:57,920 You all right there, love? 138 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:00,320 I've always wanted to read this book. Right. 139 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:01,680 Never got around to it. 140 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,680 There was always something more "important" to do. 141 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:06,640 Oh, God, not the finger quoting thing. 142 00:06:06,680 --> 00:06:08,760 I've said she doesn't need to worry about dinner. 143 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:10,320 I'm cooking tonight... 144 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:12,520 ..as soon as I've defrosted this thing. 145 00:06:12,560 --> 00:06:14,320 HAIRDRYER HUMS 146 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:15,480 Fantastic! 147 00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:16,680 DOOR KNOCKS It's open! 148 00:06:16,720 --> 00:06:18,280 There's gonna be some changes around here. 149 00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:20,840 The highlight of my year shouldn't be a spate of good washing weather. 150 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,880 I need some variety. Some spontaneity. 151 00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,800 Jesus, I need some excitement! 152 00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,360 You called for a plumber? 153 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,760 # Need somebody... 154 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,520 MUSIC: You Might Need Somebody by Shola Oma 155 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:45,040 You're the plumber? 156 00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,440 That's right. You're not the usual fella. 157 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,000 Frankie, no. Er, unfortunately Frankie passed away. 158 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,760 Happy days. 159 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:53,320 Yeah, sorry. I'm Gabriel. 160 00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:55,840 Me too. Excuse me? 161 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,280 Mary! Mary. I'm Mary. 162 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,600 A-and-and this is my husband, erm... 163 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,920 Oh! God! 164 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,400 Gerry. Right. 165 00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,280 I'm Sarah. I'm completely unattached. 166 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:08,760 OK. 167 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:11,400 Christ, but you're a fine looking specimen. 168 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,240 Thank you. Um... 169 00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:17,080 Ah! Emily Bronte. Wow, what a genius. 170 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:19,960 We'll have to take your word for it, Gabriel, for we don't know her. 171 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:24,960 You've read it? It's, like, my favourite novel. It's so romantic. 172 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:27,400 I wouldn't really... I've only started, I don't.. 173 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,520 All that forbidden desire. 174 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,840 Not being allowed something just makes you want it all the more... 175 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:36,920 ..I suppose. 176 00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:38,360 Yip. 177 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,040 This boiler's not gonna fix itself now, is it, Gabriel? 178 00:07:41,080 --> 00:07:42,640 After me... 179 00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,560 Dear Jesus! 180 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,120 You said this was dicky, Michelle. 181 00:07:54,160 --> 00:07:56,560 That was before the BBC Northern Ireland thing. 182 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,080 This could be life-changing. 183 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,280 You know, Pamela Anderson was just an ordinary girl 184 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,280 at a football match when a roving camera stuck her on 185 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:04,840 the big screen and then, boom. 186 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,760 Yeah, but she looks like Pamela Anderson. 187 00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,120 OK, James, 188 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,560 it's hard for you to see it because we're related, 189 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:13,960 but I'm a ride. I am a massive fucking ride. 190 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,520 Hey, guys. Not thinking of entering, are you? 191 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,400 We might be. 192 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:22,560 That's cute. So cute. 193 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:25,280 Oh, bring it on, bitches. 194 00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:32,760 Christ, you'd need an A-level in chemistry 195 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,880 to decipher these instructions. 196 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,800 I'll take Gabriel up a cup of tea. 197 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,240 I think he's probably grand, 198 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,960 seeing as it's only about 60 seconds 199 00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,680 since you brought him up the last one. 200 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,080 He's such a civil fella, isn't he? 201 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,600 Oh, he's great altogether. 202 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,760 You could have bagged yourself a man like that, love. 203 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:48,640 Wise up, Daddy. Hardly. It's true. 204 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,840 Never understand why you settled for thon thing. 205 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,280 Ach, I wouldn't be interested in a man like Gabriel, Daddy. 206 00:08:53,320 --> 00:08:54,440 Thank you, love. 207 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,520 You'd be tortured, you'd be getting the women off. 208 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:57,600 Aye, true enough. 209 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:00,040 At least, with Gerry, you've none of that worry. Excuse me? 210 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,400 It's not just the looks thing. He's really bright, too. 211 00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:03,840 That'd be intimidating, you know. 212 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:05,960 If you're that hot, you should at least have 213 00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,200 the common decency to be a bit thick. 214 00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,320 If I was with someone too clever, I'd feel all out of my depth. 215 00:09:11,360 --> 00:09:13,960 Um, fairly straightforward in the end. 216 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:16,120 I'm sure you probably could have handled it, Gerry. 217 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,680 Oh, I doubt that very much, Gabriel, 218 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,600 what with me being of subnormal intelligence. 219 00:09:19,640 --> 00:09:21,320 Sure, there's chimpanzees with more wit. 220 00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:22,520 That's no word of a lie. 221 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:24,400 You'll take a cup of tea before you go? 222 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,400 I'm sure the man has places to be, Mary. 223 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:27,520 Ah, if you're making one. 224 00:09:27,560 --> 00:09:29,880 Mary tells us you've just moved here, Gabriel. 225 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:31,960 Yeah, that's right. I'm from Kildare originally. 226 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:33,920 Very sorry to hear that, son. 227 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,480 Thank you. Yeah, me and the wife, well, we separated recently. 228 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:40,120 God, that's terrible, so it is. 229 00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,720 I say separated. 230 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:44,040 The truth is she ran off with my friend. 231 00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:46,240 Jesus, what must the friend look like? 232 00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:47,960 It was hard for my daughter, 233 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,280 everyone knowing our business and stuff. So... 234 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:52,520 She left your daughter behind? Yeah. 235 00:09:52,560 --> 00:09:53,880 And you're raising her? Yeah. 236 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:55,240 That must be tough, son. 237 00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,760 It's a privilege, Joe. 238 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:58,720 Oh, come on. 239 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:01,520 She's 12 now. She says I baby her. 240 00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,920 Mammy. The girls are gonna stay over tonight 241 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,560 because we need to rehearse because Jenny Joyce is such a... 242 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:07,920 Oh-ho-ho-ho. 243 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:09,320 Fuck me sideways. 244 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,600 Language, Michelle. 245 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:12,600 Ach, Mary, come on, that's ridiculous. 246 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:13,960 Even so. This is Gabriel, 247 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,960 our new plumber. This is our daughter, Erin. 248 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,520 Well, hello there. 249 00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:23,600 Well, hello, Erin. 250 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,000 And what age are you? 251 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:29,080 Not five? 252 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:30,760 I knew it was too good to be true. 253 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,720 I think the best thing we could do is just to get 254 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:34,760 the routine on its feet. I agree. 255 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,440 I know we're gonna smash this, girls. 256 00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:37,760 We are gonna lift that trophy. 257 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,520 We are gonna perform live on the motherfucking BBC 258 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:43,280 and we're gonna wipe that smile off Jenny Joyce's stupid face. 259 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:44,680 Yeah. 260 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,200 Let's do it. Hit it! 261 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,800 MUSIC DIES 262 00:10:47,840 --> 00:10:51,320 How many times do I have to fucking explain it? 263 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:53,840 It is two steps forward, two steps back. 264 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,400 It couldn't be any fucking simpler. 265 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:56,920 What the fuck is wrong with you all? 266 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,240 You're the one that's out of time. Say that again, James, 267 00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:00,840 and I will floor you. I will lay you out. 268 00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:02,520 I think the first bit is pretty good. 269 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:03,840 The first bit's shite, Erin. 270 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,880 You look like you're being electrocuted, 271 00:11:05,920 --> 00:11:09,320 and what the fuck do you think you're doing, Clare, the Haka? 272 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,880 Fuck! 273 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,280 Come on, Mary. I can't, Gabriel. 274 00:11:14,320 --> 00:11:15,880 No-one needs to find out. 275 00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:18,840 No, look, look, it's not like I'm not flattered. 276 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:24,320 You call me when you change your mind. 277 00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,600 When? You're sure of yourself. 278 00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:29,480 I know how to get what I want. 279 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:37,680 Mary. I've got a bit of a vegetable situation going on here. 280 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,120 I'm coming! 281 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,560 It's not my fault your choreography is pedestrian, Michelle. 282 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,200 Kiss my actual hole, Erin. 283 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:51,120 Look, I think we all just need to calm down. 284 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:53,320 BOTH: Piss off, James! 285 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,000 OK, that, is it? I'm going solo. 286 00:11:57,480 --> 00:11:59,400 Oh, Christ, here we go. 287 00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,320 Screwdriver. 288 00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,440 Um, bell. Apron. 289 00:12:04,480 --> 00:12:07,320 Fanny. Big fanny? 290 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:12,880 Fanny pain. The plumber was trying to get off with Erin's ma. 291 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,880 The plumber was trying to get off with Erin's ma, 292 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,320 and now I need to give all of my sponsorship money back. 293 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,240 We're gonna need more details, Clare. 294 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,640 I saw them together in the hall. 295 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:24,080 He was whispering things to her, you know, suggestive things. 296 00:12:24,120 --> 00:12:26,240 My ma? He was coming onto my ma? 297 00:12:26,280 --> 00:12:28,880 What is he, some sort of reverse paedophile? 298 00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:30,400 I bet Mary told him where to go. 299 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,080 Not exactly. 300 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:36,560 How's rehearsals going, girls? 301 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,200 Um, I think mine might be a wee bit frozen. 302 00:12:40,240 --> 00:12:42,320 It's called "al dente", Michelle. 303 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:44,600 Oh. Right. 304 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,960 You didn't have to dress for dinner, Mary. 305 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,600 I'm not having dinner, Sarah. Why not? 306 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,240 Well, firstly, because I value my life, 307 00:12:50,280 --> 00:12:51,640 and, secondly, I'm heading out. 308 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:52,920 Where? 309 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,880 Eileen Rafferty turned 50, so she's having this party. 310 00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:59,120 Eileen Rafferty turned 50 last year, did she not? 311 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:01,800 Aye. Aye, well, if you'd let me finish, 312 00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:04,360 she's having this party for her mother. 313 00:13:04,400 --> 00:13:07,880 Did her mother not pass away there? 314 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,240 That's right, she did. 315 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:12,720 So we're just gonna... We're just gonna have 316 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:14,320 a couple of drinks in her memory. 317 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:15,680 Is Eileen not teetotal, Mary? 318 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,240 Oh, my God, how do you know so much about Eileen Rafferty? 319 00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:19,720 What are you, a stalker? 320 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:21,880 If a woman's 50 and there's not a wrinkle on her, 321 00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,600 I take an interest, Mary. 322 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:28,640 Well, she'll be on the Fanta Orange. 323 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,480 HORN BEEPS There's my taxi. See you later. 324 00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,880 Fanta Orange, so that's her secret. 325 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:37,440 That Eileen Rafferty story did not add up, girls. 326 00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:39,720 Do you think your ma's getting plumbed by the plumber? 327 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:42,520 Well, I never trusted her, not since the day I met her. 328 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,720 She's your auntie, Orla. 329 00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,360 The day you met her you were a new-born baby. 330 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:48,760 Exactly. 331 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:50,360 He wrote something. 332 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,320 There was a note. She put it on the shelf. 333 00:13:53,360 --> 00:13:55,080 It's an address. 334 00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:56,640 Do you think it's his address? 335 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,600 Do you think your ma's meeting him there? 336 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:00,840 Do you think that's where they're going to do the deed? 337 00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,240 By "do the deed" I mean ride. Yes, thank you, Michelle. 338 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,880 I have to get to the bottom of this. 339 00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:07,040 That's halfway up Pump Street. James can drive now. 340 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,840 He doesn't have a car. 341 00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,120 Your da does. 342 00:14:10,160 --> 00:14:12,560 He'd never let us borrow it. He wouldn't have to know. 343 00:14:12,600 --> 00:14:14,120 Absolutely not! 344 00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:15,600 HORNS HONK 345 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,480 Couldn't he speed up a wee bit? 346 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:19,720 No, I couldn't! Are we even moving? 347 00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,200 I simply will not negotiate when it comes to road safety. 348 00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:30,560 Christ, that's some gaff. 349 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,560 I think plumbers do all right, you know. 350 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,480 He's alone. She's not. 351 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:52,240 Erin, are you OK? 352 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,520 What you need to do is bring it a bit more downstage. 353 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,520 No, no - downstage? 354 00:15:03,560 --> 00:15:05,000 No, no - downstage! 355 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,640 How many times? Downstage is up, upstage is down. 356 00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,200 But that doesn't make any sense. 357 00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,080 It's theatre. It's not supposed to make sense. 358 00:15:11,120 --> 00:15:13,720 I need to speak to the stage manager. 359 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,240 What now? 360 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,080 OK, now... 361 00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:19,000 With the smoke machine, when the contestants come out, 362 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:20,320 really go for it. 363 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,320 Don't be shy. Give it a good blast. 364 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:24,400 I'll give you a kick up the arse. 365 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:25,840 Testing, testing. One, two... 366 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,840 MUSIC: Got the Feelin' by Five 367 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,320 # Na na na na na na na nah 368 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,720 # Na na na na na na na 369 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,840 # Na na na na na na na nah 370 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,200 # La-la-la-la-la-la-la... 371 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:37,680 # Na na na na na na na 372 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:40,000 # Na na na na na na na nah 373 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,000 # Na na na na na na na #. 374 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:47,720 Hey, gang. Ready to do this thing? 375 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:49,320 Erin, we're just a bit worried. 376 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,640 Don't be. 377 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:53,000 We are going to smash it out there. 378 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:54,600 I don't mean the performance. 379 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,720 I mean, I'm also worried about the performance. 380 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,200 I've been having recurring nightmares about the performance. 381 00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:00,720 About last night, Erin... 382 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,040 Your ma and the plumber. 383 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:04,080 Maybe you should speak to her, Erin. And say what? 384 00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:05,600 How could you do it? 385 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,400 How could you betray Daddy like that? 386 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,480 How could you make me doubt everything I ever thought I knew? 387 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,280 Who even are you, Mammy? 388 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:16,040 And shimmy. 389 00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,200 Four, please. No bother at all. 390 00:16:18,240 --> 00:16:21,320 Once you've bought the tickets, you've donated to the charity. 391 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,120 You don't actually have to sit through this ordeal. 392 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:27,000 Our girls are performing. And? 393 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:28,720 Well, we'd like to see them. Oh! 394 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,320 CB RADIO: Sister Michael, you're needed backstage ASAP, over. 395 00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,360 Sorry, just let me deal with this. 396 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,840 Ahem! 397 00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:41,240 Let's welcome our first contestant, Miss Tina O'Connell. 398 00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,680 Hello, there, Tina. 399 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,080 All right? 400 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,440 Now, you've been a fan of this artist for some time. 401 00:16:51,480 --> 00:16:53,360 Is that correct? 402 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,080 Aye. 403 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:56,600 Great stuff. 404 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,240 Now, we'll give a few clues about that person in just a moment. 405 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:03,760 Now, I believe you first realised you sounded like this person 406 00:17:03,800 --> 00:17:05,880 when you were in the bath. 407 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,360 Aye. 408 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:09,520 Would you like to tell us about that? 409 00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,760 I was singing in the bath and my ma heard me and she said, 410 00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:13,840 "Tina, you sound a bit like Meat Loaf." 411 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,800 There's no, need for the clues now, Tina, is there? 412 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,360 Who are you gonna be tonight, Tina? 413 00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:19,760 Tonight, Father... Matthew. 414 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,800 Tonight, Father Matthew... No, just Matthew, like in the show. 415 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:24,200 Seen the show, haven't you, Tina? 416 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,440 Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be Meat Loaf. 417 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:38,440 # I would do anything for love, but I won't do that 418 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:40,800 Sorry we're late. 419 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,040 # No, I won't do that 420 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:48,120 Gabriel, it's yourself. 421 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,760 I hope you don't mind me gate-crashing. 422 00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:52,640 Mary mentioned it and I thought the little one might enjoy it. 423 00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:55,480 Mind? Not at all. Sure why would I mind? 424 00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,480 # And some days it don't come hard 425 00:17:58,520 --> 00:18:02,400 # Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days...# 426 00:18:02,440 --> 00:18:04,960 God, I would just like to take this opportunity 427 00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,600 to thank you for our friendship, 428 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:12,160 and for the fact that this costume makes my rack look so, so cracker. 429 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,040 Amen. 430 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:19,360 # Stay with me 431 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:31,800 # Stay with me 432 00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:36,240 # You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe 433 00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,560 # Back to your own world...# 434 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:58,000 Please welcome to the stage, Erin, Orla, Clare, Michelle and James. 435 00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:00,320 APPLAUSE 436 00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,560 The act you're going to perform for us tonight, 437 00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,440 well, they're absolutely huge. 438 00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:06,920 That's right, Peter. Matthew. 439 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,800 Matthew! Shit! I got it right in rehearsal, I just... 440 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,200 It doesn't matter. No, I fucked it. 441 00:19:11,240 --> 00:19:13,520 OK. Give us some clues, girls. 442 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,640 Well, Peter... They are English, but we still like them. 443 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,960 They're also probably better known by their nicknames. 444 00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:23,800 Which are? And I think this just might give it away now. 445 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,440 Ginger! Baby! Sporty! 446 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,360 Scary and Posh! 447 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:34,720 TOGETHER: Tonight, Matthew, we're gonna be The Spice Girls! 448 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,800 Girl power! 449 00:19:36,840 --> 00:19:38,640 APPLAUSE 450 00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,640 MUSIC INTRO: Who Do You Think You Are by The Spice Girls 451 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,680 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 452 00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:04,760 THEY MIME 453 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,720 # The race is on to get out of the bottom 454 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:12,640 # The top is high so your roots are forgotten 455 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,560 # Giving is good, as long as you're getting 456 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:20,160 # What's driving you is ambition, I'm betting. 457 00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:25,880 # I said-a who-oo-oo do you think you are? 458 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:28,000 # Do you think you are? 459 00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:30,640 # I said-a who-oo-oo? 460 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:34,320 # Some kind of superstar? 461 00:20:34,360 --> 00:20:36,840 # You have got to 462 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:40,800 # Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? 463 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:44,840 # Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are 464 00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:48,720 # Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are? 465 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:54,360 # Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show how good you are 466 00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:55,720 Are they good? 467 00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,040 How are they good?! 468 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:05,560 # You're swelling out in the wrong direction 469 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,800 # You've got the bug, superstar, you've been bitten 470 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:13,680 # Your trumpet's blowing for far too long 471 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:17,840 # Climbing the snake up the ladder, but you're wrong 472 00:21:17,880 --> 00:21:19,520 MARY GIGGLES 473 00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,120 MUSIC FADES 474 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:23,200 DISTORTED: # ...do you think you are? 475 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,240 # Do you think you are? 476 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,880 # I said, who-oo-oo? 477 00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:29,280 MUSIC RETURNS 478 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,040 # Some kind of superstar? 479 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:32,720 Michelle? Keep on going! 480 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:36,800 BACKING TRACK CONTINUES 481 00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:38,920 THEY STRUGGLE TO CONTINUE 482 00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,920 Fuck! 483 00:21:46,160 --> 00:21:47,760 MUSIC STOPS 484 00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:49,560 Erin? Leave me alone! 485 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:50,920 Erin, love, what's wrong? 486 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,160 Don't you "Erin, love" me! I'm sorry? 487 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:54,880 I know what you've been up to. 488 00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:57,000 Our secret lottery numbers, Mary. 489 00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:58,520 You do secret lottery numbers? 490 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:01,120 I know about you and Gabriel. What? What? 491 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:04,520 Clare heard you arranging your dirty little rendezvous. 492 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:06,120 All right, Mary, how's it going? 493 00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:08,200 Admit it, Gabriel - you're just a pervert 494 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,720 with a jazzy-jumpered Ma fetish! 495 00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:12,680 I'd rather not admit that, if you don't mind. 496 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,680 I know you went to his fancy house. 497 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:19,640 I've never been to his house! We saw you, Mammy. Stop lying! 498 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:21,720 Oh... 499 00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:24,240 Oh, God! You're having an affair with the plumber! 500 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,560 You're having an affair with Frankie? Frankie's dead, Da. 501 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,360 Gabriel. She's having an affair with Gabriel! 502 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,120 How the hell did you manage that? 503 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:31,600 I'm not having an affair with Gabriel! 504 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:32,800 Just tell them the truth, Mary. 505 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:36,680 Oh, should she, now? You absolute bastard! 506 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:37,720 Prick! 507 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:40,160 Hey, that's enough of that now. Stop it! Make me! 508 00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,960 If one of you doesn't hit the other one soon... 509 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:44,440 ..I'll knock the pair of you out. 510 00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,760 Do it, Granda! Pack it in! 511 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,680 Look, when Gabriel was fixing the boiler, 512 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:50,600 I brought him up a couple of cups of tea. 513 00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:52,600 Couple of dozen! We got chatting. 514 00:22:52,640 --> 00:22:54,160 Jesus...Christ! 515 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:57,240 He told me that he was taking these night classes in English literature. 516 00:22:57,280 --> 00:22:58,880 He wants to do a degree. 517 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:00,720 He convinced me to come along and check it out. 518 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,240 That house was the tutor's house, Erin! 519 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,720 There was eight other people there. 520 00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:06,400 So why were you drinking wine, Mammy? 521 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:09,160 Because everybody was drinking wine. 522 00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:10,840 There was cheese as well. 523 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:12,480 Blue stuff. Stinking! 524 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:13,760 So stinking. 525 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,360 I don't understand why you wouldn't just tell me. 526 00:23:16,400 --> 00:23:17,800 Why the hell should she have to tell you? 527 00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,080 Da, please! The fella's a control freak, Mary. 528 00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:23,200 Is it any wonder you had an affair? I didn't have an affair! 529 00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,760 I didn't want to say anything, because... 530 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,800 Because, well, the idea that someone like me could go back to school, 531 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,600 the idea that someone like me might even go to university, 532 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:34,200 well, it didn't seem possible. 533 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:36,920 I thought there's no point in telling anybody about all this 534 00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:39,280 because it's not actually going to happen. 535 00:23:39,320 --> 00:23:41,680 It's...it's not real. 536 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,080 Well... 537 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,280 ..let's make it real, if it's what you want. 538 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,760 Do you mean that? 539 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:54,960 There's nothing you can't do, love - nothing. 540 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,840 Absolute arsehole. 541 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,600 How could you, Mammy? 542 00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:06,040 I wanted to be the first person in our family to go to university, 543 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:10,600 and now you're absolutely stealing my thunder. 544 00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:13,200 Really, Erin? 545 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:17,960 # Stay with me 546 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,160 # You'd better hope and pray that you make it safe...# 547 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,720 She hasn't got a fucking note in her head! 548 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:29,880 This went next door by mistake. Looks like a speeding notice. 549 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:31,160 Speeding notice? 550 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,000 No, it's the opposite of a speeding notice. 551 00:24:33,040 --> 00:24:35,360 It says our car was driving dangerously slowly 552 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,960 over Craigavon Bridge on Tuesday night. 553 00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:39,840 You said you were in on Tuesday night. 554 00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,320 I was. I was watching Taggart. 555 00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:43,800 Are you having an affair? 556 00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:45,160 Is that what's going on here? 557 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,560 Let's go! 558 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,520 # I would do anything for love 559 00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:52,160 # I'd run right into hell and back 560 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,400 # And I would do anything for love 561 00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:02,920 # But I won't do that 562 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:07,720 # No, I won't do that #. 563 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:11,040 Subtitles by Red Bee Media 62633

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