All language subtitles for How I Met Your Father S01E04 eng
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:12,099 --> 00:00:13,987
Ripped and corrected by
- YoungJedi -
2
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,460
Son, 30 is a funny age.
3
00:00:18,460 --> 00:00:20,379
It looks different on everyone.
4
00:00:20,379 --> 00:00:23,090
Some 30-year-olds
are the picture of maturity,
5
00:00:23,090 --> 00:00:25,634
while others are way,
way, way less grown up.
6
00:00:27,136 --> 00:00:28,929
I was more in the latter group.
7
00:00:28,929 --> 00:00:31,015
What up, my bitches?
8
00:00:33,183 --> 00:00:35,894
Honored to be
one of your bitches.
9
00:00:35,894 --> 00:00:38,522
I'm not going to lie.
This dress is Nip Slip City,
10
00:00:38,522 --> 00:00:40,691
but I don't care. I had to level up
11
00:00:40,691 --> 00:00:42,568
because Drew is taking me
12
00:00:42,568 --> 00:00:45,613
to Bocca Partito tonight.
13
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,615
Bocca Partito!?
14
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:51,035
Dang, Drew! That's like a
"no prices on the menu" restaurant.
15
00:00:51,035 --> 00:00:52,536
Alright, I'm calling it now.
16
00:00:52,536 --> 00:00:55,873
You are having the best
birthday weekend ever.
17
00:00:55,873 --> 00:00:58,626
You are snatched and sipping
on some fancy wine
18
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:00,836
with Drew tonight
to close out your 20s.
19
00:01:00,836 --> 00:01:03,172
And then tomorrow, you turn 30,
20
00:01:03,172 --> 00:01:05,966
and we will be drinking
so many 40s,
21
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,426
you'll be hung over to your 50s.
22
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,556
Speaking of, how's my
party going, party planner?
23
00:01:12,556 --> 00:01:14,391
I'm crushing it.
All you have to do
24
00:01:14,391 --> 00:01:16,894
is show up to our apartment tomorrow
night, dressed as Christina Aguilera
25
00:01:16,894 --> 00:01:19,271
- from the Dirrty video.
- Mm! Mm!
26
00:01:19,271 --> 00:01:20,230
Wait, why?
27
00:01:20,230 --> 00:01:22,316
Wait, did you not open my evite?
28
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:24,151
That's the theme of my party.
29
00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,320
It's my favorite music video of all time.
30
00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:28,489
It's so... dirty!
- Dirty!
31
00:01:29,907 --> 00:01:32,034
Hey, Jess, this is going
to be our first party together
32
00:01:32,034 --> 00:01:33,744
since my birthday at Chuck E. Cheese.
33
00:01:33,744 --> 00:01:35,537
Oh yeah. You turned 5.
34
00:01:35,537 --> 00:01:37,581
Mom turned out to be boning Chuck.
35
00:01:37,581 --> 00:01:40,376
Wait, your mum cheated on your dad
with a guy dressed as a mouse?
36
00:01:40,376 --> 00:01:43,003
No, no, no. Just some random guy
from the neighborhood named Chuck.
37
00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:45,256
No relation to Mr. E. Cheese.
38
00:01:45,256 --> 00:01:46,590
And then she left our dad,
39
00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:48,634
married him, and moved Ellen
halfway across the country.
40
00:01:49,093 --> 00:01:51,887
But, tomorrow night,
we're going to make up for lost time.
41
00:01:51,887 --> 00:01:53,097
Yes, yes, we are. In fact,
42
00:01:53,097 --> 00:01:54,932
maybe we can even hit on
some girls together, you know?
43
00:01:54,932 --> 00:01:57,268
The Walker siblings on the prowl?
44
00:01:57,268 --> 00:01:59,019
Exactly!
45
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,438
- Except that's not my last name.
- What?
46
00:02:01,438 --> 00:02:03,774
I took Mom's last name
after the divorce, remember?
47
00:02:03,774 --> 00:02:06,986
Right! The Gilbert-hyphen-Walkers
on the prowl.
48
00:02:06,986 --> 00:02:10,656
Siblings and wing people.
One might call us wing sibs.
49
00:02:10,656 --> 00:02:11,740
Ooh! Trademark!
50
00:02:11,740 --> 00:02:13,701
You can't call trademark.
I just said it.
51
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:16,453
Yeah, and you should also
have said trademark.
52
00:02:17,162 --> 00:02:18,372
Hey, Jasper.
53
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:21,625
How about a group shot
for Sophie?
54
00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:23,877
And pour yourself one, too.
55
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:26,797
Like I said, I was one kind of grown-up...
56
00:02:26,797 --> 00:02:28,382
Shots! Shots! Shots!
57
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,134
...but Drew was another.
58
00:02:30,134 --> 00:02:31,343
I was going to get a puppy,
59
00:02:31,343 --> 00:02:34,054
but there's so many senior dogs
who need homes.
60
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,974
You know, as soon as I saw
Rue McClanahan's big brown eyes,
61
00:02:36,974 --> 00:02:38,517
I... I melted.
62
00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,811
Wait, did you name your senior dog
63
00:02:40,811 --> 00:02:42,313
after one of the Golden Girls?
64
00:02:42,313 --> 00:02:45,149
Oh, not just one of them. The best.
65
00:02:45,149 --> 00:02:47,818
Blanche hive, rise up.
66
00:02:48,986 --> 00:02:50,237
Uh, excuse me. Uh,
67
00:02:50,237 --> 00:02:53,616
can we get a bottle of
the 2016 Montepulciano, please?
68
00:02:56,285 --> 00:02:57,745
He was a real adult.
69
00:02:58,621 --> 00:03:00,789
And I was real into it.
70
00:03:03,459 --> 00:03:05,419
This should be a workout. Kegfit.
71
00:03:05,419 --> 00:03:07,421
- Trademark!
- Damn it!
72
00:03:08,255 --> 00:03:11,342
What is that hideous ring?
Are you a youth group minister?
73
00:03:11,342 --> 00:03:14,053
Man-- No! This is my man-gagement ring.
74
00:03:14,053 --> 00:03:16,513
Trademark! Ha! Got it!
75
00:03:16,513 --> 00:03:17,973
You can have it.
76
00:03:17,973 --> 00:03:21,060
Whatever. Isn't this gorgeous
yet masculine?
77
00:03:21,060 --> 00:03:24,021
This is pewter with
real dinosaur bone inlay.
78
00:03:24,021 --> 00:03:26,190
You're not getting any bone
or lay wearing that.
79
00:03:26,857 --> 00:03:28,442
Hannah got that for you?
80
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,569
No, she hates it.
81
00:03:30,569 --> 00:03:31,946
Sorry, I'm late.
82
00:03:31,946 --> 00:03:34,573
I still can't figure out
this dang MetroCard swipes,
83
00:03:34,573 --> 00:03:36,492
so I walked here.
Twenty-six blocks.
84
00:03:36,492 --> 00:03:38,077
Oh. Well look, the MetroCard
swipe is easy.
85
00:03:38,077 --> 00:03:40,287
You just gotta do it with confidence.
Zing! Like that.
86
00:03:40,287 --> 00:03:43,165
Uh, no! Don't listen to him.
You got to do it slow,
87
00:03:43,165 --> 00:03:44,416
methodical like, uh!
88
00:03:44,416 --> 00:03:46,126
You sound so stupid right now.
89
00:03:46,126 --> 00:03:48,212
Obviously, it's a zing! Not an, uh!
90
00:03:48,212 --> 00:03:49,713
- The "uh" works, man.
- No.
91
00:03:49,713 --> 00:03:52,633
- Zing! Zing! Zing--
- Uh! Uh!
92
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:53,884
Shut the zing up!
93
00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:58,555
So, tomorrow's a big night for us.
94
00:03:59,098 --> 00:04:01,141
Mum always says
a couple isn't a couple
95
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:03,227
until they attend a soirée arm-in-arm.
96
00:04:04,019 --> 00:04:06,605
I was wondering,
how should I refer to you at the party?
97
00:04:06,605 --> 00:04:07,982
My boo?
98
00:04:07,982 --> 00:04:09,692
My girlfriend?
99
00:04:09,692 --> 00:04:10,901
Ooh! My wonderwall.
100
00:04:12,027 --> 00:04:13,779
Interesting.
101
00:04:13,779 --> 00:04:15,364
Look, Charlie,
102
00:04:15,364 --> 00:04:16,615
things are going great between us,
103
00:04:16,615 --> 00:04:18,534
but we haven't decided
to be, like...
104
00:04:18,534 --> 00:04:19,785
together together.
105
00:04:20,828 --> 00:04:22,454
No, I know.
106
00:04:22,454 --> 00:04:25,374
I guess I thought we're
at least somewhat together.
107
00:04:25,374 --> 00:04:28,085
You know. I did walk away
from generational wealth
108
00:04:28,085 --> 00:04:29,962
and move across an ocean
to be with you.
109
00:04:29,962 --> 00:04:32,590
And that was so sweet of you.
110
00:04:32,590 --> 00:04:35,175
We definitely are somewhat together,
111
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,761
but we're also young and fun
112
00:04:37,761 --> 00:04:39,680
and spontaneous.
113
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,348
Do I go home with you tomorrow night?
114
00:04:41,348 --> 00:04:44,059
Maybe. Do I go home with Jeff Goldblum
115
00:04:44,059 --> 00:04:46,145
and his hot yoga wife again?
116
00:04:46,145 --> 00:04:47,771
Maybe.
117
00:04:48,272 --> 00:04:49,607
Fine.
118
00:04:49,607 --> 00:04:52,401
So, I can just canoodle with whomever
I want, and you'll be fine with it.
119
00:04:52,401 --> 00:04:55,779
Exactly. I'm so glad
you're on board. Mwah!
120
00:04:57,573 --> 00:04:59,158
That's a no on girlfriend then.
121
00:05:03,787 --> 00:05:06,040
- You live in Queens, right?
- Mm-hmm.
122
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,541
'Cause, you know,
the library in Astoria is...
123
00:05:09,126 --> 00:05:12,296
Yeah, you know I'm tipsy when
I start recommending libraries.
124
00:05:13,339 --> 00:05:14,548
One more drink,
125
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,425
I'm going to start listing
my favorite community gardens.
126
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:20,638
Um... Maybe we should call it a night.
127
00:05:20,638 --> 00:05:23,724
Really? Oh my god,
I feel like we just sat down.
128
00:05:23,724 --> 00:05:25,643
Me, too, but, um...
129
00:05:25,643 --> 00:05:28,437
judging by their faces,
we've been here a while.
130
00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:35,653
I had a great time tonight.
131
00:05:35,653 --> 00:05:37,071
Me, too.
132
00:05:40,407 --> 00:05:43,494
A taxi guy, huh? Wow.
133
00:05:43,494 --> 00:05:45,162
Very retro of you.
134
00:05:45,496 --> 00:05:48,666
Well, there's something magical
about taxis in this city, you know?
135
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:51,710
The way you can
just raise your arm and...
136
00:05:53,629 --> 00:05:54,546
Damn.
137
00:05:55,214 --> 00:05:56,882
This would've been so cool
138
00:05:56,882 --> 00:05:59,051
if one showed up just right then.
139
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:01,720
When you tell this story
of this date in the future,
140
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,014
just promise me
you will change that part.
141
00:06:04,014 --> 00:06:05,683
Whoops!
142
00:06:06,183 --> 00:06:07,309
What makes you so sure
143
00:06:07,309 --> 00:06:09,520
I'm going to tell the story
of this date in the future?
144
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:13,565
Not sure. Just, um... hopeful.
145
00:06:13,565 --> 00:06:14,650
Mm.
146
00:06:21,031 --> 00:06:23,450
Now you show up?
147
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:26,203
Right now. Hi.
148
00:06:28,914 --> 00:06:31,333
Hey, um, what are you
doing tomorrow night?
149
00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:35,004
Tomorrow? As in 24 hours from now?
150
00:06:35,546 --> 00:06:37,423
Uh-- Yeah, I know.
151
00:06:37,423 --> 00:06:39,925
You're not supposed to ask
a girl out two nights in a row,
152
00:06:39,925 --> 00:06:42,219
but, um, I like you, Sophie,
153
00:06:42,219 --> 00:06:44,388
and I want to see you again.
154
00:06:45,264 --> 00:06:47,016
But, if it's too soon...
155
00:06:47,016 --> 00:06:49,018
No, it's not too soon.
156
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,061
It's just...
157
00:06:51,604 --> 00:06:53,564
Tomorrow night's my birthday party.
158
00:06:53,564 --> 00:06:55,316
I'm turning 30.
159
00:06:56,859 --> 00:06:58,527
Do you want to stop by?
160
00:06:58,527 --> 00:06:59,778
I'd love to.
161
00:07:00,571 --> 00:07:01,864
What can I bring?
162
00:07:01,864 --> 00:07:04,033
I've got a bottle of Sancerre,
163
00:07:04,033 --> 00:07:05,826
or-or a nice Pouilly-Fuissé,
164
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,412
or, uh, maybe a Beaujolais Nouveau
165
00:07:08,412 --> 00:07:10,956
to celebrate the nouveau
decade of your life.
166
00:07:10,956 --> 00:07:12,917
And that's when I realized
167
00:07:12,917 --> 00:07:15,377
I had invited a classy-ass man
168
00:07:15,377 --> 00:07:17,046
to a trashy-ass rager.
169
00:07:17,046 --> 00:07:19,256
Go! Go! Go! Come on, Ellen!
170
00:07:19,256 --> 00:07:20,507
Hold up!
171
00:07:20,507 --> 00:07:22,176
We're gonna need to 180 this party stat.
172
00:07:25,638 --> 00:07:28,724
Okay! I know bobbing for apples
in tequila is a little out there,
173
00:07:28,724 --> 00:07:30,976
and sure, if you open your eyes,
you can go blind.
174
00:07:30,976 --> 00:07:33,270
- No, but what a way to go.
- I'm up next!
175
00:07:33,270 --> 00:07:35,648
Stop! No tequila bobbing, okay?
176
00:07:35,648 --> 00:07:37,775
And we're going to need
to get real cups.
177
00:07:37,775 --> 00:07:39,860
Like, cups made of actual glass.
178
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,779
And we're going to need
to get some real food.
179
00:07:41,779 --> 00:07:43,781
Nothing flavored "nacho cheesier."
180
00:07:43,781 --> 00:07:46,283
Slow down! Did something
happen on your date?
181
00:07:46,283 --> 00:07:48,744
Did you get hit by another Citi Bike?
Are you concussed?
182
00:07:48,744 --> 00:07:51,163
No. No, my date was great.
183
00:07:51,163 --> 00:07:54,250
Drew is-- is direct, and he's grown up.
184
00:07:54,250 --> 00:07:56,252
He signals for the check like this.
185
00:07:57,419 --> 00:07:59,338
But, I invited him to this party tomorrow,
186
00:07:59,338 --> 00:08:01,757
- so we're going to need to pivot.
- Hold up!
187
00:08:01,757 --> 00:08:03,467
You were all about Dirty 30,
188
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:05,469
but then Drew signaled
for the check like my grandpa,
189
00:08:05,469 --> 00:08:07,763
and now, you want to change this
into some boring-ass,
190
00:08:07,763 --> 00:08:10,849
mature person party at
the last minute to impress him?
191
00:08:11,392 --> 00:08:12,977
- Correct.
- Okay--
192
00:08:12,977 --> 00:08:14,311
Great. I'm so glad you understand.
193
00:08:14,311 --> 00:08:16,981
I'm going to update
the invite right now.
194
00:08:16,981 --> 00:08:20,276
No more dirty dress code.
Okay, classy cocktail attire.
195
00:08:20,818 --> 00:08:22,486
Okay!
196
00:08:22,486 --> 00:08:24,780
Keg number two has arrived.
197
00:08:24,780 --> 00:08:26,574
Ooh, uh, don't hate me,
198
00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:29,201
but could we do cocktails
for the party instead?
199
00:08:29,201 --> 00:08:31,328
Ooh yes. I've been
noodling with absinthe--
200
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:41,547
We're going to take that to the grave,
201
00:08:41,547 --> 00:08:43,299
I Know What You Did Last Summer style.
202
00:08:48,137 --> 00:08:51,599
Okay, we've got a raw bar ready to go.
203
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,100
Candles are being lit.
204
00:08:53,100 --> 00:08:55,519
Valentina,
how are the new books looking?
205
00:08:55,519 --> 00:08:56,854
Same as they looked at Goodwill
206
00:08:56,854 --> 00:08:58,522
a couple of hours ago
before you bought them.
207
00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:00,941
Why does a party need a book nook?
208
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,568
So I look like a grown-up.
209
00:09:02,568 --> 00:09:06,196
Quit questioning my classy,
mature choices!
210
00:09:06,196 --> 00:09:07,740
Ladies?
211
00:09:07,740 --> 00:09:09,742
Care for this evening's
signature cocktail?
212
00:09:09,742 --> 00:09:11,827
The Sophisticated Sophie.
213
00:09:12,453 --> 00:09:13,662
Also, yes,
214
00:09:13,662 --> 00:09:16,332
I did polish my man-gagement ring
for its debut tonight.
215
00:09:17,082 --> 00:09:19,710
Hm, what did you
polish it with? Dork juice?
216
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:22,796
Crap!
217
00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:25,633
Forgot to call to get
the heat pipe fixed! Mitt me.
218
00:09:29,053 --> 00:09:30,888
Be careful, Soph.
219
00:09:34,183 --> 00:09:35,684
Ah!
220
00:09:37,102 --> 00:09:38,729
I just made it angrier!
221
00:09:38,729 --> 00:09:40,731
Mm...
222
00:09:40,731 --> 00:09:41,815
Seriously?
223
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:43,484
It's exactly 8:00 PM.
224
00:09:43,484 --> 00:09:46,487
What kind of a serial killer
shows up at the exact--
225
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:51,992
Hi. Uh, right on time. I love that.
226
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:53,494
Happy birthday.
227
00:09:53,494 --> 00:09:56,497
I was just doing a few,
uh, home improvements.
228
00:09:57,248 --> 00:09:58,707
Come in.
229
00:09:58,707 --> 00:10:00,793
Uh, we have a mixologist over there.
230
00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,044
Oh, you know Sid.
231
00:10:02,044 --> 00:10:04,213
And a raw bar over there.
232
00:10:04,755 --> 00:10:08,384
And the book nook is where
it's always been.
233
00:10:08,384 --> 00:10:11,303
Happy birthday, Soph.
What's going on? Hey...
234
00:10:11,303 --> 00:10:13,180
Was this a costume party?
235
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,474
No. Mm. No, it's just...
236
00:10:15,474 --> 00:10:18,978
fashion, you know.
The early aughts are back.
237
00:10:24,525 --> 00:10:27,027
Oh, Valentina. Hello.
238
00:10:29,071 --> 00:10:31,073
Uh, hi...
239
00:10:31,073 --> 00:10:34,034
You know you don't have
to act like we're strangers?
240
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:36,453
Oh, I'm not.
This is just how I treat people
241
00:10:36,453 --> 00:10:38,539
who I'm somewhat together with.
242
00:10:38,539 --> 00:10:39,540
Charlie...
243
00:10:39,957 --> 00:10:43,335
If you'll excuse me, I see somebody
that I may go home with.
244
00:10:43,335 --> 00:10:45,337
For sexual intercourse.
245
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:49,133
Hey. Sorry that took so long.
246
00:10:49,133 --> 00:10:51,760
Sid keeps trying to get girls
to notice that he's man-gaged.
247
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,053
Here.
- Oh.
248
00:10:53,596 --> 00:10:55,180
I'm actually allergic to wine.
249
00:10:55,180 --> 00:10:57,433
- What?
- The sulfates make me really...
250
00:10:58,601 --> 00:10:59,977
pretty.
251
00:10:59,977 --> 00:11:01,520
Hey, she's cute.
252
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:02,896
She's beautiful! Like...
253
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:04,398
Alright, this is perfect.
254
00:11:04,398 --> 00:11:06,734
It's time for the wing sibs
to take flight, okay?
255
00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:09,820
Follow me.
Hey, have you met Ellen?
256
00:11:09,820 --> 00:11:12,740
I'm Jesse, her big brother.
And you are...
257
00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,116
I'm Holly.
258
00:11:14,116 --> 00:11:16,368
Holly? Well, deck the halls!
259
00:11:16,368 --> 00:11:18,287
Ellen here just moved to the Big Apple
260
00:11:18,287 --> 00:11:20,581
from a dairy farm. Crazy, right?
261
00:11:23,375 --> 00:11:25,753
We're not related by blood.
262
00:11:26,503 --> 00:11:28,672
- Hey! How are you?
- Hey.
263
00:11:28,672 --> 00:11:31,592
I'm sorry it's so hot in here.
Do you want me to take your jacket?
264
00:11:31,592 --> 00:11:34,845
No. I've got pit stains
I'm not sure I can come back from.
265
00:11:34,845 --> 00:11:37,056
But, maybe we can open the window?
266
00:11:37,056 --> 00:11:39,683
It's stuck shut.
267
00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:41,477
Yeah, I've been meaning
to get that fixed.
268
00:11:41,477 --> 00:11:42,603
It's all good.
269
00:11:42,603 --> 00:11:44,980
Um, tell me about these books.
270
00:11:44,980 --> 00:11:47,316
- Y-You highlighted a lot of this one.
- Yeah.
271
00:11:47,316 --> 00:11:50,069
Well, that's one of my faves.
Um, the...
272
00:11:50,069 --> 00:11:52,446
autobiography of Vanna White.
273
00:11:53,614 --> 00:11:55,449
Let's see, uh...
274
00:11:55,449 --> 00:11:57,076
The Joy of Gay Sex.
275
00:11:57,076 --> 00:11:58,452
Yeah.
276
00:11:58,452 --> 00:12:01,872
Just like to know what
everyone's up to... sexually. Hm.
277
00:12:03,707 --> 00:12:06,001
I'm gonna refresh your drink.
I'll be right back.
278
00:12:08,671 --> 00:12:11,090
I told you to screen the Goodwill books.
279
00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:14,885
I did! This is a great read!
280
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:27,815
Yes, I saw you looking at me,
281
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,693
- while I was talking to her.
- Maybe I was.
282
00:12:30,693 --> 00:12:33,612
And... how did it feel?
283
00:12:33,612 --> 00:12:36,991
It felt... extremely...
284
00:12:36,991 --> 00:12:37,992
hot.
285
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:41,078
How do I explain this?
286
00:12:41,078 --> 00:12:42,955
I could tell you weren't
actually into her,
287
00:12:42,955 --> 00:12:44,915
but she was super into you,
288
00:12:44,915 --> 00:12:47,710
and knowing that
she couldn't have you,
289
00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,670
but I could...
290
00:12:49,670 --> 00:12:50,671
Hot.
291
00:12:51,964 --> 00:12:54,550
Right. I am having a bit
of trouble keeping up here.
292
00:12:55,009 --> 00:12:56,927
I thought you wanted
to talk to other guys tonight.
293
00:12:56,927 --> 00:12:58,178
I did.
294
00:12:58,929 --> 00:13:00,973
But now, I'd rather
watch you talk to other girls.
295
00:13:00,973 --> 00:13:03,684
Valentina, you are completely insane.
296
00:13:04,893 --> 00:13:07,146
I'm very into it.
297
00:13:07,146 --> 00:13:08,647
Right.
298
00:13:08,647 --> 00:13:10,149
See that Christina over there?
299
00:13:10,149 --> 00:13:13,193
I'm going to get her genie
all hot and bothered,
300
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,029
and leave it in the bottle.
301
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:18,741
- Thanks.
- Mm-hmm.
302
00:13:18,741 --> 00:13:20,868
And I gotta say,
I love that ring you're wearing.
303
00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:21,952
Thank you. I just got it.
304
00:13:21,952 --> 00:13:25,497
I think it's awesome that you're
committed to your virginity. So brave.
305
00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:29,668
- Hm...
- Quick. Wine me.
306
00:13:33,130 --> 00:13:34,131
Mm...
307
00:13:36,175 --> 00:13:37,843
- You're friends with Drew.
- Mm-hmm.
308
00:13:37,843 --> 00:13:39,511
Does it seem like
he's having a good time?
309
00:13:39,511 --> 00:13:42,097
Yeah. Sophie, chill. Drew wanted
to come to your birthday party
310
00:13:42,097 --> 00:13:44,433
after your first date.
That means he's super into you.
311
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:46,852
No. That means
he was into me last night,
312
00:13:46,852 --> 00:13:48,938
before he came
to this hot mess of a party.
313
00:13:48,938 --> 00:13:50,439
Emphasis on hot.
314
00:13:51,774 --> 00:13:54,485
- At least the food looks sophisticated.
- Mm-hmm.
315
00:13:54,485 --> 00:13:57,488
Look at these adorable
little baby quiches I made!
316
00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:58,864
Aw.
317
00:13:58,864 --> 00:14:00,366
- No!
- Ew...
318
00:14:02,826 --> 00:14:04,078
Okay.
319
00:14:05,246 --> 00:14:07,248
I mean, look
at the amazing raw bar.
320
00:14:09,959 --> 00:14:11,919
Uh...
321
00:14:12,419 --> 00:14:13,879
There's something wrong
with those shrimp!
322
00:14:13,879 --> 00:14:15,589
Sophie, these are raw.
323
00:14:15,589 --> 00:14:17,216
- Yeah, it's a raw bar.
- Uh-huh.
324
00:14:17,216 --> 00:14:19,468
The oysters are raw. The shrimp
in a raw bar are cooked.
325
00:14:19,468 --> 00:14:21,178
- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.
326
00:14:21,178 --> 00:14:23,973
I bet that is a very common mistake.
327
00:14:23,973 --> 00:14:26,141
No, I don't think so.
328
00:14:27,518 --> 00:14:29,270
So, how's it going with Holly?
329
00:14:30,229 --> 00:14:32,481
That's how it's going.
330
00:14:32,481 --> 00:14:34,191
Oh...
331
00:14:34,191 --> 00:14:36,110
Well, maybe she's just
a big Christina fan.
332
00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:37,820
Look, you're an amazing girl.
Here's what we're gonna do.
333
00:14:37,820 --> 00:14:40,030
We're not going to do anything.
334
00:14:40,030 --> 00:14:41,574
I don't wanna talk to you about it, okay?
335
00:14:42,241 --> 00:14:44,827
We need apps. Now. Please.
336
00:14:44,827 --> 00:14:48,414
Anything fancy. Fancy chips,
fancy crackers, fancy nuts.
337
00:14:48,414 --> 00:14:49,915
Here's 10 bucks.
338
00:14:49,915 --> 00:14:52,918
I'm sorry, do you think
I'm going shopping in 1962?
339
00:14:54,336 --> 00:14:55,671
I'll go.
340
00:14:57,131 --> 00:14:58,507
Hey!
341
00:14:58,507 --> 00:15:00,884
Ellen! Hey, wait up!
Look, look, look, look, look.
342
00:15:00,884 --> 00:15:02,428
I know you said you
didn't wanna talk about it,
343
00:15:02,428 --> 00:15:04,388
but I just want you to know
I totally get why you're upset.
344
00:15:04,388 --> 00:15:06,181
It sucks getting
blown off like that.
345
00:15:06,181 --> 00:15:08,058
I said I didn't want
to talk to you about it.
346
00:15:10,519 --> 00:15:11,562
Oh.
347
00:15:12,438 --> 00:15:14,356
How would you know
if I'm an amazing girl?
348
00:15:14,356 --> 00:15:15,774
You don't know anything about me.
349
00:15:15,774 --> 00:15:17,568
You don't know my last name
350
00:15:17,568 --> 00:15:19,778
or about my wine allergy.
351
00:15:19,778 --> 00:15:22,990
I own a produce farm, man, not dairy.
352
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:25,868
Wai-- So what, it's just,
like, a field of vegetables,
353
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:27,286
and you watch them grow?
354
00:15:27,286 --> 00:15:29,330
Yes! That's what produce farms are!
355
00:15:30,831 --> 00:15:32,541
- Wow.
- Look.
356
00:15:32,541 --> 00:15:34,585
There was a time
I dreamed of having a big brother,
357
00:15:34,585 --> 00:15:36,837
like Matt on 7th Heaven,
358
00:15:36,837 --> 00:15:39,048
who would teach me
how to slide in baseball,
359
00:15:39,048 --> 00:15:41,842
or go to the church social
with me when my date drops out,
360
00:15:41,842 --> 00:15:43,886
or give me a talking to
when I start huffing--
361
00:15:43,886 --> 00:15:45,804
Wait, what? Y-you huffed paint?
362
00:15:45,804 --> 00:15:47,848
No! The kids on 7th Heaven did!
363
00:15:48,849 --> 00:15:50,434
- Right.
- Point is...
364
00:15:50,434 --> 00:15:52,019
you were there when I was little...
365
00:15:53,145 --> 00:15:54,480
and then you just disappeared.
366
00:15:55,606 --> 00:15:57,983
So, I moved here,
thinking we could reconnect
367
00:15:57,983 --> 00:16:00,819
and pick up where we left off. But...
368
00:16:02,154 --> 00:16:04,156
Now, I don't know if we can.
369
00:16:04,156 --> 00:16:06,784
I think it might be a little
too late for the whole...
370
00:16:06,784 --> 00:16:08,035
sibs thing.
371
00:16:08,035 --> 00:16:09,662
You know?
372
00:16:09,662 --> 00:16:11,997
We're more like...
373
00:16:11,997 --> 00:16:13,499
wing strangers.
374
00:16:14,875 --> 00:16:16,377
Trademark.
375
00:16:21,507 --> 00:16:24,301
You ever felt the eyes
of your partner on you,
376
00:16:24,301 --> 00:16:27,409
watching, wanting as you
chat someone else up?
377
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:29,390
'Cause Val and I learned tonight
378
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:32,184
that it is exhilarating... Oh!
379
00:16:32,184 --> 00:16:35,145
- You and Drew simply must try it.
- Ah, yeah.
380
00:16:35,145 --> 00:16:37,773
Sounds great, but we're
playing our own fun game tonight
381
00:16:37,773 --> 00:16:40,484
where I try not to kill him
with uncooked shrimp.
382
00:16:40,484 --> 00:16:41,652
Right now, I'm losing.
383
00:16:45,948 --> 00:16:46,865
Drew!
384
00:16:47,825 --> 00:16:49,660
- Watch out for that hot--
- Ow!
385
00:16:49,660 --> 00:16:53,163
I can still remember
the smell of burnt flesh and shrimp.
386
00:16:53,914 --> 00:16:55,416
Oh, that was a bad party.
387
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:58,210
I'm so, so sorry.
388
00:16:58,210 --> 00:16:59,295
- Oh...
- I've been meaning
389
00:16:59,295 --> 00:17:01,463
to get that hot pipe fixed for a while.
390
00:17:05,634 --> 00:17:07,469
I've been meaning
to get that fixed, too.
391
00:17:08,512 --> 00:17:09,555
Hi...
392
00:17:13,434 --> 00:17:16,186
- This is so embarrassing, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, Sophie.
393
00:17:16,186 --> 00:17:18,731
- No, it-it's fine, really.
- No, it's not.
394
00:17:18,731 --> 00:17:20,608
You know what? The truth is, Drew,
395
00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:23,485
we're the same age,
but we're not at the same stage.
396
00:17:23,485 --> 00:17:26,155
Now, I'm rhyming,
and I gotta get out of here.
397
00:17:26,155 --> 00:17:27,156
Soph...
398
00:17:28,407 --> 00:17:29,533
Hi.
399
00:17:29,533 --> 00:17:30,868
Uh, this is Charlie.
400
00:17:30,868 --> 00:17:32,286
Hi, I'm Drew.
401
00:17:32,286 --> 00:17:34,788
- We've heard such fabulous things.
- Thank you.
402
00:17:38,459 --> 00:17:41,253
You know, I remember the day that Mom
and Dad brought you home from Vietnam.
403
00:17:43,297 --> 00:17:45,674
I was 3, but I remember
404
00:17:45,674 --> 00:17:48,135
'cause it was like the most exciting
thing that had ever happened to me.
405
00:17:49,094 --> 00:17:50,679
I was totally obsessed with you.
406
00:17:51,388 --> 00:17:52,640
And you couldn't even do anything
407
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,726
but poop and cry and look cute.
408
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,728
Still great at all those things.
409
00:17:59,271 --> 00:18:01,649
Well, I also remember the day
that Mom and Dad split up.
410
00:18:02,524 --> 00:18:05,903
I was 9, and they told me
I could either stay in our house with Dad,
411
00:18:05,903 --> 00:18:08,822
or move with you and Mom
and her new boyfriend to Iowa.
412
00:18:09,615 --> 00:18:12,284
So, I chose to stay. I mean,
I didn't want Dad to be all alone.
413
00:18:13,410 --> 00:18:15,162
I know.
414
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,038
I remember.
415
00:18:17,414 --> 00:18:18,832
I asked about you every day.
416
00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,002
"Can I call Ellen? Can we visit Ellen?"
417
00:18:23,128 --> 00:18:26,423
Anyway, I-I could tell it bugged Dad,
asking about you all the time.
418
00:18:26,423 --> 00:18:29,426
I think he thought I was
secretly asking about Mom or...
419
00:18:30,427 --> 00:18:33,180
something, so eventually, I just stopped.
420
00:18:34,014 --> 00:18:35,307
But...
421
00:18:35,683 --> 00:18:38,060
Maybe I should have kept asking...
422
00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:39,311
because...
423
00:18:41,021 --> 00:18:43,274
I'm sorry I missed out
on being your big brother.
424
00:18:43,983 --> 00:18:45,192
Okay?
425
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,987
I also really wanted
to be that for you.
426
00:18:50,406 --> 00:18:51,907
Were you really only 9?
427
00:18:52,825 --> 00:18:54,785
In my mind,
428
00:18:54,785 --> 00:18:56,412
you were so big.
429
00:18:57,413 --> 00:18:59,373
You were one of the grown-ups
430
00:18:59,373 --> 00:19:01,750
doing this bad thing to our family.
431
00:19:01,750 --> 00:19:03,752
Ellen, I was 9.
432
00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:06,922
I had a race car bed.
433
00:19:09,258 --> 00:19:10,509
You were 9.
434
00:19:14,930 --> 00:19:17,182
Okay, come with me.
435
00:19:17,182 --> 00:19:18,934
Come on.
436
00:19:20,436 --> 00:19:23,981
Okay, the key to a good
MetroCard swipe is confidence.
437
00:19:23,981 --> 00:19:26,066
You just have to do it fast
and with determination,
438
00:19:26,066 --> 00:19:27,943
like... like ripping off a wax strip.
439
00:19:27,943 --> 00:19:28,777
You wax?
440
00:19:28,777 --> 00:19:32,031
No, but I help Sid get beach ready
every summer. Okay, here we go.
441
00:19:32,031 --> 00:19:34,033
Now remember, swipe confident, okay?
442
00:19:34,033 --> 00:19:35,326
Zing!
443
00:19:36,410 --> 00:19:37,411
Zing!
444
00:19:37,411 --> 00:19:38,871
Okay, one more time.
445
00:19:38,871 --> 00:19:40,873
- Zing!
- You got it, you got it.
446
00:19:40,873 --> 00:19:42,249
Zing!
447
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,043
See? The subway hates me.
448
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,462
Oh, screw it. Let me just show you
how to jump confident.
449
00:19:47,504 --> 00:19:49,298
No, no...
450
00:19:49,298 --> 00:19:51,216
Yes, yes. You can do it.
Come on. Time to go.
451
00:19:51,216 --> 00:19:52,426
Time to move.
452
00:19:52,426 --> 00:19:53,677
- Ah!
- Woo!
453
00:19:53,677 --> 00:19:54,462
I did it! I did it!
454
00:19:54,462 --> 00:19:56,297
- I jumped a turnstile!
- Okay, it's still illegal, though.
455
00:19:56,297 --> 00:19:56,889
We gotta move.
456
00:19:58,599 --> 00:20:00,309
Hey, you know what?
457
00:20:00,309 --> 00:20:02,728
You wanna go again and do the thing
you like with the loofah?
458
00:20:02,728 --> 00:20:04,605
No.
459
00:20:04,605 --> 00:20:07,483
I mean, yes, always. But...
460
00:20:08,776 --> 00:20:11,570
getting old and boring has always
scared the shit out of me.
461
00:20:12,071 --> 00:20:13,822
I mean, Sophie's book nook
462
00:20:13,822 --> 00:20:16,367
literally sent shivers
down my spine, and...
463
00:20:17,243 --> 00:20:20,371
I've always put monogamy in that category.
464
00:20:20,371 --> 00:20:23,916
But, with us, it's...
it's actually kind of...
465
00:20:26,043 --> 00:20:27,086
exciting.
466
00:20:28,796 --> 00:20:30,631
I agree.
467
00:20:30,631 --> 00:20:34,468
We just had sex in the lone unlocked
bathroom of a very crowded party.
468
00:20:39,765 --> 00:20:42,893
So, does this mean that you are
ready to be together together?
469
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,354
You short,
470
00:20:45,354 --> 00:20:47,398
beautiful, maddening woman?
471
00:20:49,942 --> 00:20:51,860
Oh...
472
00:20:51,860 --> 00:20:53,571
fine!
473
00:21:03,998 --> 00:21:06,500
Wow. This view is amazing.
474
00:21:08,002 --> 00:21:09,920
Why didn't you have the party up here?
475
00:21:10,462 --> 00:21:12,715
My neighbor makes her own honey.
476
00:21:14,091 --> 00:21:16,093
Bees are very territorial.
477
00:21:17,386 --> 00:21:19,388
Although, everyone getting stung by bees
478
00:21:19,388 --> 00:21:21,640
probably would have been
less of a disaster.
479
00:21:22,224 --> 00:21:23,684
And that's when I decided
480
00:21:23,684 --> 00:21:25,853
I wanted to start things off with Drew
481
00:21:25,853 --> 00:21:28,063
by being completely honest.
482
00:21:28,897 --> 00:21:30,399
Okay. Truth.
483
00:21:31,358 --> 00:21:34,528
I went out and bought all of those books
this morning to impress you.
484
00:21:34,528 --> 00:21:36,530
Sophie, you didn't need to do that.
485
00:21:36,530 --> 00:21:37,781
I know.
486
00:21:39,283 --> 00:21:42,494
It's just... you're so adult and...
487
00:21:43,412 --> 00:21:45,748
together and readery, and...
488
00:21:46,582 --> 00:21:48,250
it just makes me feel...
489
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:50,586
kind of messy.
490
00:21:52,046 --> 00:21:53,380
- Can I tell you a secret?
- Drew,
491
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:56,634
please don't do that thing where
you tell me your life's a mess, too.
492
00:21:56,634 --> 00:21:58,385
Oh no, I wasn't going to say that.
493
00:21:58,385 --> 00:22:01,180
I make Overnight Oats.
I'm an extremely together person.
494
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:05,059
What I was gonna say is that
495
00:22:05,059 --> 00:22:08,520
this whole, like, being
super mature thing, it's, um...
496
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,356
yeah, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
497
00:22:11,023 --> 00:22:13,233
And sometimes, I feel like I missed out.
498
00:22:13,233 --> 00:22:15,945
You know?
Having those ridiculous nights
499
00:22:15,945 --> 00:22:17,947
that you look back on when you're old.
500
00:22:19,448 --> 00:22:22,701
But I think tonight
is one of those nights.
501
00:22:23,452 --> 00:22:26,664
I mean, I got burned, I...
502
00:22:26,664 --> 00:22:28,165
I caught your roommate having shower sex.
503
00:22:29,625 --> 00:22:31,752
Oh, I saw a bunch of people
inexplicably dressed
504
00:22:31,752 --> 00:22:34,171
as Christina Aguilera
from the Dirrty video.
505
00:22:34,171 --> 00:22:36,840
Wait, y... You know Dirrty?
506
00:22:38,676 --> 00:22:41,262
Gonna get my girls,
get your boys
507
00:22:41,262 --> 00:22:43,347
Gonna make some noise
508
00:22:44,139 --> 00:22:46,183
Gonna get rowdy
509
00:22:46,183 --> 00:22:48,602
Gonna get a little unruly
510
00:22:48,602 --> 00:22:51,021
Get fired up in a hurry
511
00:22:51,021 --> 00:22:52,356
Wanna get dirty
512
00:22:52,356 --> 00:22:55,276
It's about time I came
to start the party
513
00:22:56,819 --> 00:22:58,654
My god! Wow, okay.
514
00:22:58,654 --> 00:23:00,990
I really wish I had known
this side of you sooner.
515
00:23:00,990 --> 00:23:02,908
Well, you know,
I usually save my renditions
516
00:23:02,908 --> 00:23:05,619
of TRL's greatest hits for the sixth date.
517
00:23:07,204 --> 00:23:09,039
So, there's going to be a sixth date?
518
00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:10,916
Oh, I hope so.
519
00:23:11,542 --> 00:23:13,168
Me, too.
520
00:23:16,171 --> 00:23:18,674
Son, I learned that night
521
00:23:18,674 --> 00:23:21,093
that 30 really is just a number.
522
00:23:21,093 --> 00:23:23,178
Mom, I never think about turning 30.
523
00:23:23,178 --> 00:23:26,056
- That is, like, so old.
- Watch your mouth.
524
00:23:27,224 --> 00:23:28,767
Oh, wait!
525
00:23:28,767 --> 00:23:32,271
I-I forgot to tell you
how my party ended.
526
00:23:37,026 --> 00:23:38,777
Oh, these are the people we led on
527
00:23:38,777 --> 00:23:40,654
while we were getting
turned on by each other.
528
00:23:40,654 --> 00:23:42,656
They're probably hanging around,
hoping to hook up with us.
529
00:23:42,656 --> 00:23:45,701
God. We're just too damn desirable.
530
00:23:48,495 --> 00:23:50,122
Attention, please.
531
00:23:50,122 --> 00:23:52,541
Uh, you are all very sexy,
532
00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:55,419
but I am afraid I only have eyes
for this one here.
533
00:23:56,253 --> 00:23:58,213
Aw, babe! Right back at you.
534
00:23:58,213 --> 00:23:59,757
Sorry, dudes, no hard feelings.
535
00:24:00,424 --> 00:24:02,217
- So rude.
- The rudest.
536
00:24:02,217 --> 00:24:05,054
Why can't everyone in
a relationship just be honest?
537
00:24:05,054 --> 00:24:07,264
The bartender with the
man-gagement ring.
538
00:24:07,264 --> 00:24:09,391
Love that bartender.
He's so considerate.
539
00:24:09,391 --> 00:24:12,311
If every man were like him,
the world would be a better place.
540
00:24:15,940 --> 00:24:18,317
- Obviously, we can never tell Sid.
- Yeah, we'll take it to the grave.
541
00:24:19,526 --> 00:24:23,237
Ripped and corrected by
- YoungJedi -
39472
