All language subtitles for Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia - 06x01

MAC: Look, bro, I'm only gonna
be here for about ten minutes.

I got to get my pump on.

I have a very big day.

I'm sorry.

I can't let you in.

I don't understand why you're
insisting on jamming me up here, bro.

I'm not trying to jam you up.

I just don't believe you.

What is not to believe?

I am absolutely Dennis Reynolds.

This picture looks nothing like you.

Well, thank you.

Because I have actually packed
on about 15 or 20 pounds of

solid bulk muscle since that
picture was taken, bro.

It's actually a testament to your gym.

I'm gonna need you to either buy
your own membership, or get out.

CARMEN: Mac?

Yeah.

Hey, tranny.

Carmen.

- Yeah.
- Sorry.

How you doing?

Wow. You look great.

Sweet camel toe.

That's a good tuck job.

You have it taped back there?

No.
It's good.

It's actually gone.

I had the surgery.

Get out.

That's fantastic.

I thought I was gonna get a phone call

after the old snip snip,
'cause we talked about that, but...

Either way, now that your
dick-less, I'm into it.

What are you doing this afternoon?

NICK: How's it going?

Uh, it's going good, pal, but,
uh, the lady isn't interested.

Uh, Mac, I would like you
to meet my husband, Nick.

Husband?

You're married.

(Carmen laughs)

Great.

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CHARLIE: Now, what
are you guys saying?

They're good almonds, right?

FRANK: They are tasty.

DENNIS: These almonds?
Yeah, they're fine.

I found them in, like, in a
little pile in the alleyway.

A squirrel must have piled them
up and then got hit by a car.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

Why did you feed us alley almonds?

Why wouldn't you tell us that?

No. They're perfectly good.

I just... Guys. Guys, guys, I've
got news; I've got huge news.

So I went down to the gym
this morning, right?

I was all amped up, 'cause Charlie
and I found a bunch of nuts.

I was so full of protein, okay?

I went to get my pump on, but
I couldn't get my pump on.

Now I know what you're thinking.

Clearly, I did get my pump on,
but that's 'cause I just did a

bunch of push-ups outside.

Also, why I'm out of breath.

What in God's name are
you talking about?

Is this the big news?

No. I ran into the tranny.

She got her dick cut off,
and she married a dude.

Oh, that's great.

Congratulations to her.

No, that is not great.

No?

That is a gay marriage.

Uh, I got a question for you.

One's a girl... One's a guy...

- Yeah.
- And how is that gay?

Well, for starters, clearly, her
husband is a homosexual, okay?

Why are you making that assumption?

Because he's with a tranny?

You were with the tranny.
What are you saying?

No, Charlie, that is completely
different, and you know it.

Yeah. No. He's right.

That's different, 'cause this
new guy... if I'm hearing correctly...

he waited until she got her
dick cut off before he banged her.

But that means...
No.

Wait.

Look, who gives a shit if gays
want to be miserable like

everybody else and get married?

Let 'em do it.

It's no skin off my ass.

No. Marriage is a
wonderful thing.

It's between two people who
decide they want to spend

the rest of their lives together because
they love each other very much.

I'm all for it, and I think
everyone should be entitled to it.

Oh, oh, everybody up on their high
horse of marriage all of a sudden.

Marriage is about procreation, okay?

This is gay marriage.

That's two dudes banging each other.

What do you get from that?

Nothing. Nothing.

Uh, that is a persuasive argument.

You should take your powerful extension
cord argument straight to the Supreme Court.

Mm-hmm.
They'll love it there.

Run that right up the ladder, right?

No. Run it up the ladder...
Mac, dude, look, I think

you're just getting upset that
the tranny married some guy

that's not you, and that's
what this is about.

No, no, Charlie, this is
about the big man upstairs,

- okay, getting boxed out.
- Oh, geez.

It very clearly says in the bible
that gay marriage is wrong, okay?

And I'm gonna show you.

Where's our bible?

Where's our bible?

Where's our goddamn bible?

- We don't have a bible in here.
- Yeah.

Why don't we have a bible?

We never have.

It's a bar.

Okay, I see what's happening here.

All right, I don't have enough
facts to support my argument.

Clearly.

But I'm gonna find a bible,
and then I'm gonna come back,

and I'm gonna school you
sons of bitches, okay?

Because you guys are
trying to confuse me.

You're trying to confuse me,
because that's what God's work...

Uh... Oh, he's getting
himself all worked up, huh?

Yeah. Very worked up.

Very worked up.

You know, I always thought
I'd be married by now.

- What?
- What?

Yeah. Well, I don't know.

I... All that talk about marriage
and everything... it's got me

thinking about myself and my
situation, and I guess I always

thought I'd be married by now.

What the shit are you talking about?

Frank, I'm talking about
Maureen Ponderosa.

Oh, my God, dude, don't
start in on this.

Maureen Ponderosa was my
girlfriend in tenth grade, and

we were so in love.

You remember Maureen
Ponderosa, right, Charlie?

I remember her dead tooth, dude.

What? Dead tooth?

- She didn't have a dead tooth.
- You guys remember her brother, Bill?

Bill Ponderosa?

Boy, that guy was like a walking cliché.

He was hot, great buns.

Yeah, and I remember, every time you
tried to talk to him, you'd (gags).

I got a little gaggy.

It's only 'cause he made me nervous,
but he was very handsome.

What is it with you two
and the Ponderosas?

I think I might call her up, actually.

(sucks in through teeth)

Charlie, not in the corner.

Put 'em in the closet,
tuck 'em in the back.

All right, Frank.

Pick it up.

There you go.

Come on...
Oh!

Not on the floor!

Oh! Dude, my back.

Charlie, look at this.

I've been saving these for years.
What?

I think I slipped a disk, man.

Stand straight or something.

Ugh! Frank, I got to go
see a chiropractor again.

Oh, right, I just keep
paying medical bills, right?

Is that it? Come on...
Come on.

- I keep lugging pennies.
- You're in pain?

Here, let me hit you
with a two-by-four.

You won't feel anything.

No. I don't want to
play that game anymore.

All right, crack my back.

All right, can you
crack my back, please?

Crack your back.

All right, come on, turn around.

All right... Give me that.
You ready?

(both groaning, bones crunching)

Did you get my back?

Oh, my back. Oh!

I'll get you... Oh...
(bones crunching)

Oh. Aah!

I need it again.

Oh! Oh!

Charlie, don't touch me.

- Don't touch me.
- All right, all right.

This is gonna sound crazy.

I just got an idea.

If we do that domestic
partnership thing that gay guys

can do, I can totally get
on your health insurance.

You won't even have to pay
for the chiropractor.

You proposing to me?

Come on, man.

No. I'm saying, we're
already friends, right?

(Charlie groans)

Let's be friends with benefits, right?

Oh, yeah.

You get your back fixed.

What's in it for me?

All right, man, there's got
to be a reason why all those

couples want to do it, right?

Uh, perks, right?

We can at least look
into what goes into it?

I really got to see a
chiropractor, man.

All right, all right, look into it.

I mean, you got to hit
me with the two-by-four.

I got too much pain.

- It's bad on me, too.
- It's bad.

All right, I got you.

Hit me good.

Phew!

I feel really nervous, Dee.

I haven't seen Maureen in,
like, close to 15 years.

- I was really in love with that girl, huh?
- Yeah.

No girl has ever really had
this effect on me, so I don't

know how to deal with it.
It's crazy.

Yeah. I know what you mean. I feel a lot
of butterflies myself, you know.

I mean it's like "I'm gonna
see Bill Ponderosa gahh.."

Is that gonna happen? Relax.

Maybe bubbly water.

Maybe if you get me some bubbly water.

Slow down and get...
Here we go.

- Dennis!
- Hey, Maureen! Wow.

Look at you. You look amazing!

You look amazing.

Oh.

Who's this?
Is this your husband?

- Oh. This is Bill.
- Hey, guys.

Bill? No. Wow.

(laughter)

Wow, right?

I would not have guessed that was you.

Yeah, I gained a little weight.

Did you now?

Oh, well, no, it's hardly
noticeable, hardly noticeable.

I do notice the ring, though.

Oh, good for you.
You got married. That's good.

Yeah. Yeah, ten years now.

Yeah, she's amazing.
So are my two kids.

Oh.

Huh? Want to see little...
No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't.

I don't really.

I mean, it's great, but
you know what I mean.

Nobody really wants to see that.

Goddamn, this has been a really
fun walk down memory lane.

Uh, Maureen, great to see you,
and, Bill, take care of yourself

or whatever... people say.

Okay. Excuse me?

All right.

Well, uh, yeah, well, this is
has got to be a little awkward

for you now, Bill, right?

'Cause you're here, and we're
sort of having a... you know,

probably gonna have a little
sit-down breakfast, and now

you're a bit of a third wheel, kind of
wormed your way into our situation.

Yeah. Not really.

You know, I just came
to catch up, so... No.

But I can leave you
guys alone, I guess.

Yeah.
Oh, yeah, that would be great.

Hey, take care of yourself.

It was good to see you.

- Yeah. I got to pick up the kids.
- Sure, pick up the kids, yeah.

Bye, Bill.

- Uh...Hey, you want to sit down?
- Yeah.

Great. Hey, God, man.

Maureen Ponderosa.

I can't even believe those words
are coming out of my mouth.

I know.

God, look at you.

Look at you.

You look great. You're still quite a catch.
You look just like you did in high school.

Oh.

Hey, do you remember all the
good times that we used to have

in the back of your dad's
Datsun behind this place?

Oh, man.

So much romance. Mm.

Hey, how is your dad?

Dad died last year.

- Did he die?
- Yeah.

Oh, that's... that's too bad.

It happens, you know.

He was getting up there, right?

- I mean, it was probably
natural causes, or... - Suicide.

- Sui... Suicide?
- Car exhaust, yeah.

I had to break the window
of the Datsun, so...

Oh, yeah, it was one of those.

- One of those, huh?
- His eyes were so yellow.

Okay.

Maureen Ponderosa...

Yeah.. Yeah...

Dennis Reynolds and Maureen Ponderosa
back together again at last.

Hey, Carmen.

Carmen, hey, I want to
show you something.

Oh. Hey, Mac.

- Yeah.
- What's going on here?

Oh, good. I'm glad you're here, too, okay,
'cause this pertains to both of you guys.

I'm about to do you guys a huge solid.

Ready?

"Men with men committing
indecent acts... " sex in the but",

... will receive the due
penalty for their perversion."

(laughs)

Word of the Lord.

Okay, what is it you're
trying to say, Mac?

I'm saying that in the eyes of
the Lord, your marriage is an

abomination, and if you don't get
a divorce, you're going to hell.

I love people tripping all the time.

Can I see that for a second?

Yeah, but I'm not tripping, okay?
It's all right there.

Oh, no.

Yeah, just... it's gonna take
you a little while to flip

through it, 'cause that
book is long as shit.

Oh, yeah, I like this one.

Yeah.

Exodus 21, verses 20, 21.

Mm.

"When a man strikes his slave
with a rod so hard that the

slave dies, he shall be punished.

If, however, the slave survives
for a day or two, he is not to

be punished, for the
slave is his property."

That's-That's not what I'm
talking about, though.

That's a different...
That's not my thing.

Well, so you're saying you're gonna
whoop my black ass with a rod

as long as you like it,

As long as I get up after
a day or two we are good?

That's what you're telling me?

No, I wouldn't whoop on you with anything,
whether you were my slave or not.

It's just... That doesn't really pertain anyway,
because that section is not from the same time.

Oh, oh, really? Well, what time
is your section from, Mac?

Look, I came here to
help you guys, okay?

And as a gay man, there's certain things
you need to know about the afterlife.

I'm not a gay man.

Yes, you are.

You're banging a dude.

Look, if anything, you're the one
that had sex with me when I was a man.

Oh, that's it... you're gay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
He's gay.

If this is about you and
me, then just say that.

I'm never going to admit that, Carmen.

But come on, I mean... him?

What do you see in this guy?

I mean, look at my
body compared to his.

I'm a hard body.
You're a hard body.

We could be hard bodies together.

Not hard body and...

I thought we established that there was
going to be a phone call after the procedure.

And then you had the procedure,
and I never got that call.

Instead you called this soft
body and you gay married him.

And now you're calling me gay,
telling me I'm tripping and

trying to confuse me with
your liberal Biblisisms.

Man, my guess is is you've been
confused for a very long time.

All right, take it easy.

Oh, oh, oh.

Thank you very much.

All right, dude, okay, I admit this is more
paperwork than I expected, all right?

But that's... Frank that's
because this domestic

partnership thing is
really worth doing, dude.

There's a lot of perks in
these bad boys, you know?

There's a lot of jelly in
these doughnuts here, Frank.

But, Charlie, you still haven't told me how
this shit is going to be good for me. Me.

It's all in here.

All right, okay, all right,
think about this for a second.

Now you're definitely going
to have another massive heart attack

or stroke in the
next few years, right?

Definitely.

All right, well, what's going to happen
when you go on life support, dude?

Dennis and Dee are going to pull
the plug on you so fast,

your head is going to spin.

But think about this, Frank, you
know who's not going to do that?

This guy right here.

This thing... this is so much
complicated stuff, Charlie.

Look who it is?

Guys, you remember Maureen
Ponderosa, right?

Charlie!

Hey, Maureen, how are you?

Dead tooth.
Let me see the dead tooth.

What's he talking about?

Oh, he's, uh...
Pipe down, Frank, pipe down.

So listen, guys, we just got married.

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, we're married. Maureen
and I got married.

What is wrong with you?

It's not what's wrong with
me, Frank, it's what's right with me,

and that's this little piece of paper
right here that we just signed.

It's our marriage certificate.
Now we're married. Boom.

Hold on a second.

You just had to sign a
little piece of paper.

They gave Frank and I, like, a
million forms for our marriage.

You guys are trying to
get married too, huh?

That's weird.

Uh-huh, yeah.

Well, we're out of here.

So, good luck.

Oh, my God, what is
the matter with him?

Did you smell her breath?

Are you kidding me?

It smelled like she was nibbling
on little pieces of shit.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Dennis, you're married?

Yes, man, I'm married.

I'm a married man.

Yes, she's actually here, dude.

It's awesome.
She's in the bathroom.

She's brushing her teeth.

Yeah, she must have eaten
something a little bit sinister.

Must have been the Funyuns
or something, I don't know.

Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Anyway, the point is, I am having, this
is crazy, but I'm having feelings again.

Like-like some kind of
14-year-old kid or something.

You remember feelings, right?

Yeah. I have feelings every
single day of my life.

Do you? Are you saying
you don't have feelings?

Well, I'm saying I built up a shell.

A shell around myself.

A cold, calculated, heartless
shell that couldn't be broken by

anything but marriage.

And that's what she did, dude... she
broke that shell with marriage.

In a good way, if I'm being unclear.

And that brings me,
actually, to my next point.

I need you to move out...
like now, like right away.

What?!

Why do I have to move out?
It's my apartment, too.

Uh, actually, you know what, Mac?

Turns out it's not your apartment, because
you never signed the lease, if you recall.

'Cause your credit was so bad.

Oh.

Well, what am I going to
do with all my stuff?

You know what, believe it or
not, I've been doing some inventory...

and it turns out you don't actually
own anything in this apartment.

- That can't be true.
- It's shockingly true.

Yeah, yeah, every single
thing in here is mine.

For instance, that shirt that
you're wearing right now.

That was my shirt.

And then I got tired of it, I
threw it in the trash and then

you fished it out of the trash
and you cut the sleeves off it,

as you are want to do, 'cause
that's your thing, but whatever.

Also, listen, I don't want to
rush you on this either, but I

did have to drop you from my
cell phone's family plan.

Oh, and I'm going to need you to
stop using my name at the gym.

Because I'm getting a lot of
phone calls about that and

that's a little embarrassing.

- Can I say something?
- Yeah, totally.

(sighs)

Oh, there we go.

Oh, hey.

Hey, how you doing?

Hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Hey. You got a minute?
- No.

- Got a question. Got a minute?
- Quick question.

Yeah, I'm kind of in the
middle of something right now.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

That's easy.

Okay, no problem.

That's better.

Why do you people keep
bothering me at the gym?

I'm so sorry.
It's going to be a quick question.

- Charlie... you remember me, right?
- Yeah.

- Frank.
- No, I don't remember you.

Look, my friend and I, we're
trying to get, like, a gay

marriage situation going on and he's
all tripped up about some issue.

And now he's uncomfortable
talking to me.

I figured you're a expert,
so we could talk to you.

All right, fine.
Jut go ahead... what?

Good. Go.

Charlie and I... we're
going to get married.

Mm-hmm.

Who would be the man and who would
be the woman in that situation?

Neither of you would be the woman.

You're both men.

Are you kidding me?

Is this what you've been
upset about the whole time?

Which one of us is
going to be the woman?

Yeah.

I'm not going to get my dick
cut off and sold to China.

Spend the rest of my life on
a treadmill like this guy.

What are you...?
What?!

I don't want to be the woman, Charlie.

And I don't want to
see you be the woman.

Neither of us would
be the woman, dude.

We would both be men.

We'd be two cool straight
dudes married together.

Oh. I never thought
of it that way.

Two dudes getting married...
that doesn't seem very gay.

Yeah, right?
It's not... Yeah, right, yeah, okay.

You know what, let's not argue on
this or think about it too much.

No.

Two cool married... dudes.

Not gay.

I'm down with that.

- All right.
- Excuse me.

- Bump it, bump it, bump it.
- Gay dudes married.

Two gay dudes married.

Is my role in this done now?

Uh, any more questions?

No. I think I got it.

Hey, did they really
sell your dick to China?

No. I can tell by your stare
the answer is no.

I told you, Frank. That's crazy.

Dee, hey, we got to talk.

Wait. You can't just come barging in
here like that. What are you doing?

Okay, look, it takes a big
man to admit defeat,

but you were right, I was wrong.

Everybody should be able to get
married to whoever they want.

Which got me thinking
about you and me.

Oh, no, I'm not going to marry you,
if that's where this is headed.

What?

Dee, I would rather
get shot in the face.

Okay, then what are you doing here?

I'm glad you asked.

I'm moving in.

Also I need to get on your gym
membership,

because I got to get back in there ASAP
before I lose this pump.

What's with the beers?
Are you carbo loading?

No. (gagging)

Oh. What are you doing?

Are you going to throw up?

No...
Then why are you gagging?

Oh, that... Because, Dee,
that triggers my gag reflex

too, and then I feel like
I'm going to throw up.

It's fine.

I had some bad spaghetti.

(both gagging)

Dee, look, the point is... the
reason I came over here is

because you were totally right
about this marriage thing, okay?

It is a special bond between
two people in love.

And everybody deserves...
(both gagging)

...that right.

Look, I'm thinking that...
I got to throw up. I'm gonna throw up.

No, no, no, no, not in there.

Oh, sorry. Uh...
Wait. I know you.

Bill Ponderosa.

(gagging)

Where are you going?

Hey, Maureen Ponder...
Hey.

I was just going to go
meet up with the guys.

But I thought we were going
to watch a movie tonight.

Watch a movie... yes, we were.

Yeah, you know what... but I feel the
need to reconnect with the guys.

So... But you know what, you
can watch a movie without me.

- What?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dude, we have so many
great, great movies here.

Got a lot of action films
which is very, very exciting.

Got all the Lethal Weapon
movies, which is cool.

Including the one that I made
with the guys... Lethal Weapon 5.

Yes. Amazing film, truly, truly.

Although it gets a little
confusing halfway through

because Mac and I decided
to switch parts.

He wanted to play Murtaugh
for some reason.

Yeah, and I'm not going to lie.

His use of blackface I found
a bit regrettable, but...

Come on, it's our first
night as a married couple.

I want to spend it
with my husband.

Oh, yeah.

I see that you're wearing
another one of those kitty cat

sweatshirts that you seem so fond of.

And you glued some jewels and
some flowers and things to it.

- Uh-huh.
- Interesting.

I like to be comfy and current.

Yeah, yeah.

I did not remember
that about you.

You don't remember a
lot of things, silly.

Yeah.

Now you get yourself
on that couch.

I'm gonna go make
us fish sticks.

Uh, I don't... I don't think
we have any fish sticks.

I bought some.

- Yeah. I don't particularly like
fish sticks, but... - Dennis.

- Hmm?
- Hey, I love you.

Uh, I love you.

(clearing throat)

Yeah.

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