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1
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My name is Ash, and I'm a slave.
2
00:00:53,095 --> 00:00:55,806
Close as I can figure it,
the year is 1300 A.D...
3
00:00:55,931 --> 00:00:58,517
and I'm being dragged to my death.
4
00:00:58,642 --> 00:01:00,978
It wasn't always like this.
5
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:04,356
I had a real life once.
6
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,401
A job.
7
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,737
Ash to price check four.
8
00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,200
Hardware, aisle 12.
9
00:01:15,325 --> 00:01:17,327
Shop smart, shop S-mart.
10
00:01:17,452 --> 00:01:20,914
I had a wonderful girlfriend: Linda.
11
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:27,337
Together, we drove to
a small cabin in the mountains.
12
00:01:30,966 --> 00:01:33,844
It seems an archaeologist
had come to this remote place...
13
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:36,888
to translate and study his latest find:
14
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:42,728
Necronomicon Ex Mortis,
the Book of the Dead.
15
00:01:44,521 --> 00:01:47,899
Bound in human flesh and inked in blood...
16
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:52,487
this ancient Sumerian text
contained bizarre burial rites...
17
00:01:52,612 --> 00:01:57,451
funerary incantations
and demon resurrection passages.
18
00:01:58,493 --> 00:02:01,079
It was never meant
for the world of the living.
19
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:05,250
The book awoke something dark
in the woods.
20
00:02:11,465 --> 00:02:13,717
It took Linda.
21
00:02:13,842 --> 00:02:16,762
And then it came for me.
22
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,973
It got into my hand and it went bad.
23
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:23,310
So I lopped it off at the wrist.
24
00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:31,485
But that didn't stop it. It came back.
25
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,989
Big time.
26
00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:54,090
Oh, my God!
27
00:02:54,216 --> 00:02:56,176
How do you stop it?
28
00:04:07,580 --> 00:04:10,667
Where in the hell...?
29
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:20,301
Stand fast, hellhound!
30
00:04:20,969 --> 00:04:23,430
No, no... Easy now, chief.
31
00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:30,937
I don't know how I got here...
and I'm not looking for any trouble.
32
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,774
What a piece of armor this is!
33
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:40,989
- Wise man!
- Fall back! Back on your horses. Come on!
34
00:04:43,199 --> 00:04:46,953
My Lord, I believe he is the one
written of in the Necronomicon.
35
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,622
He who's prophesied to fall
from the heavens...
36
00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:52,459
and deliver us from the terrors
of the Deadites.
37
00:04:52,584 --> 00:04:54,252
What? That buffoon?
38
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:59,215
Likely... he's one of Henry's men!
39
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:02,761
Kneel, rapscallions!
40
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,847
I say to the pit with him!
41
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:10,059
You shall soon learn
the horrors of the pit.
42
00:05:10,185 --> 00:05:13,646
- To the pit!
- You miserable bast...
43
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:17,275
- Get him!
- Get off of me!
44
00:05:19,194 --> 00:05:22,280
- Let me go!
- Chain him!
45
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,994
Ah, you're gonna have
a little bit of wee fun, mate.
46
00:05:29,370 --> 00:05:31,331
To the castle!
47
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:37,796
Pick up your feet!
Stop draggin' your feet! Come on!
48
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,840
Move along! Come on, now.
49
00:05:41,508 --> 00:05:45,053
Come on, pick it up. Have a taste of this!
50
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,021
You men got something
to look forward to...
51
00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,857
when you get back to the castle.
52
00:05:58,566 --> 00:06:02,987
Lord Arthur approaches!
Raise the portcullis!
53
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:08,993
Lord Arthur! Lord Arthur approaches
54
00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:19,087
You miserable dogs! Don't drag thy feet!
55
00:06:21,130 --> 00:06:24,509
That's lovely, isn't it? Move it in.
56
00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,928
You worthless bastards!
57
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:02,463
Lord Arthur, where is my brother?
Did he not ride with you?
58
00:07:02,588 --> 00:07:04,632
Aye, and fought valiantly.
59
00:07:04,757 --> 00:07:08,303
But last night he fell in battle
to Duke Henry's men.
60
00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:10,513
I'm sorry, Sheila.
61
00:07:11,848 --> 00:07:14,058
- Come on.
- You cretins!
62
00:07:14,934 --> 00:07:17,437
- Stop it, you bastards!
- Come on!
63
00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:19,522
You barbarian!
64
00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:25,445
Oh, no! Stop it! Stop it!
Get outta here, you little brats!
65
00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:30,908
Foul thing!
66
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:34,454
A pox on you, brute! Thou art a murderer!
67
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,497
A black murderer!
68
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,672
My brother's death shall be avenged!
69
00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,772
Company, halt!
70
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,694
Get that yoke off him!
71
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,281
Kill them!
72
00:08:11,991 --> 00:08:13,201
Into the pit!
73
00:08:19,957 --> 00:08:23,544
You, sir, are not one of my vassals.
74
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:26,422
Who are you?
75
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,633
Who wants to know?
76
00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,677
I am Henry the Red...
77
00:08:31,803 --> 00:08:36,265
Duke of Shael, Lord of the Northlands
and leader of its peoples.
78
00:08:37,099 --> 00:08:41,646
Well, hello, Mr. Fancy Pants.
I got news for you, pal.
79
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:45,107
You ain't leadin' but two things
right now: Jack and shit.
80
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:46,692
And Jack left town.
81
00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:51,364
- Shut your bleedin' hole!
- Gentlemen, Lord Arthur!
82
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:03,042
There is an evil awakened in this land.
83
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:06,838
And while my people fight
for their very souls against it...
84
00:09:06,963 --> 00:09:09,841
you, Henry the Red, wage war on us!
85
00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,051
Charlatan!
86
00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:16,889
It was you who first turned
your swords on us!
87
00:09:17,014 --> 00:09:20,059
And this evil has befouled
my people as well!
88
00:09:20,184 --> 00:09:23,229
Your people are no better
than the foul corruption...
89
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:27,608
- ...that lies in the bowels of that pit.
- Right, you're no better.
90
00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:30,695
May God have mercy upon your souls.
91
00:09:45,209 --> 00:09:49,505
God's name!
What hell-spawned thing lurks there?
92
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:57,722
Into the pit with those
bloodthirsty sons of whores!
93
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,181
No!
94
00:09:59,932 --> 00:10:01,350
No!
95
00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:04,020
No! No!
96
00:10:33,215 --> 00:10:35,634
Heavenly God!
97
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,598
He's escaping!
98
00:10:40,723 --> 00:10:42,892
Hold him!
99
00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:15,299
- Who's next?
- It's him.
100
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:16,967
He trembles!
101
00:11:17,551 --> 00:11:21,847
- They don't look so clever now, do they?
- He's frightened!
102
00:11:21,972 --> 00:11:24,391
He's frightened white!
103
00:11:27,144 --> 00:11:28,687
Wait a minute.
104
00:11:29,230 --> 00:11:34,235
Wait a minute. You gotta understand, man.
105
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,155
I never even saw these assholes before.
106
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,283
- He trembles!
- He's begging!
107
00:11:41,408 --> 00:11:43,452
What are you waitin' for?
108
00:11:43,577 --> 00:11:46,497
Henry, you gotta tell him
you don't know me.
109
00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:48,666
We never met. Tell him.
110
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,963
I do not think he'll listen, lad.
111
00:11:55,422 --> 00:11:59,760
Look... I'm tellin' you,
you got the wrong guy.
112
00:12:09,812 --> 00:12:14,024
I'm tellin' you, you got the wrong guy.
113
00:13:09,038 --> 00:13:11,874
How do you like the pit?
Isn't the pit wonderful?
114
00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:30,851
Why, you...
115
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:37,441
Spikes.
116
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:41,278
Hey, he says, "spikes". Give him spikes!
117
00:13:54,666 --> 00:13:56,585
Make way!
118
00:13:56,710 --> 00:13:58,504
Strange one!
119
00:14:09,348 --> 00:14:10,349
Strange one!
120
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:18,315
Yes!
121
00:14:35,707 --> 00:14:38,168
Damn you. Damn you!
122
00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:05,213
You know, your shoelace is untied.
123
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,976
Alright.
124
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:21,813
Who wants some?
125
00:16:21,938 --> 00:16:23,899
Who's next?
126
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,902
Huh...? How 'bout it?
127
00:16:27,819 --> 00:16:30,113
Who wants some? Huh?
128
00:16:30,238 --> 00:16:32,658
Who wants to have a little?
129
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,705
You.
130
00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:43,627
You want some more?
131
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,258
You want a little?
132
00:16:52,177 --> 00:16:53,887
Do ya?
133
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:56,723
Do ya want some more? Huh?
134
00:17:11,571 --> 00:17:15,742
Now get on those horses
and get outta here.
135
00:17:18,286 --> 00:17:20,247
Let 'em go!
136
00:17:42,477 --> 00:17:44,062
Halt!
137
00:17:45,564 --> 00:17:48,817
Thank you, generous hosts!
138
00:17:48,942 --> 00:17:50,902
Sword boy!
139
00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:03,123
For that arrogance, I shall see you dead.
140
00:18:13,049 --> 00:18:14,634
Yeah...
141
00:18:15,218 --> 00:18:19,097
Alright, you primitive screwheads,
listen up.
142
00:18:19,222 --> 00:18:21,057
See this?
143
00:18:21,641 --> 00:18:25,854
This... is my boom stick!
144
00:18:26,605 --> 00:18:30,984
It's a 12-gauge, double-barreled Remington.
S-mart's top of the line.
145
00:18:31,109 --> 00:18:34,154
You can find this
in the sporting goods department.
146
00:18:34,821 --> 00:18:37,657
That's right. This sweet baby
was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan.
147
00:18:38,408 --> 00:18:41,202
Retails for about $109.95.
148
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:46,541
It's got a walnut stock,
cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger.
149
00:18:46,666 --> 00:18:52,088
That's right. Shop smart, shop S-mart.
150
00:18:52,213 --> 00:18:54,674
- You got that?
- Yes, sir. Right.
151
00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:57,010
Now I swear...
152
00:18:57,135 --> 00:19:00,388
the next one of you primates...
153
00:19:00,513 --> 00:19:03,350
even touches me...
154
00:19:32,253 --> 00:19:36,841
Now, let's talk about how I get back home.
155
00:20:07,872 --> 00:20:10,542
I prithee to forgive me, my Lord.
156
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:13,336
I believed thee one of Henry's men.
157
00:20:13,461 --> 00:20:16,798
First you wanna kill me,
now you wanna kiss me...
158
00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:19,926
Blow.
159
00:20:23,430 --> 00:20:26,266
So what's the deal?
Can you send me back or not?
160
00:20:26,391 --> 00:20:28,518
Only the Necronomicon has the power.
161
00:20:28,643 --> 00:20:30,854
An unholy book which we also require.
162
00:20:30,979 --> 00:20:35,108
Within its pages are passages
that can send you back to your time.
163
00:20:35,233 --> 00:20:39,028
Only you, The Promised One,
can quest for it.
164
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:42,073
I don't want your book.
I don't want your bullshit.
165
00:20:42,198 --> 00:20:45,910
Just send me back to my own time.
Pronto, today, chop...
166
00:20:55,545 --> 00:20:58,590
You shall die!
167
00:21:04,137 --> 00:21:07,974
You shall never obtain the Necronomicon!
168
00:21:08,099 --> 00:21:12,937
We shall feast upon your souls!
169
00:21:35,251 --> 00:21:38,087
It's a trick. Get an axe.
170
00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:48,389
Guards, stop it! Catch the witch!
171
00:21:48,514 --> 00:21:51,100
- Death to the witch! Death to...!
- Have some porridge!
172
00:21:51,226 --> 00:21:55,230
My eyes! I'm blind! Oh, God, I'm blind!
173
00:22:03,154 --> 00:22:05,365
Yo, she-bitch.
174
00:22:06,449 --> 00:22:08,159
Let's go.
175
00:22:30,306 --> 00:22:32,600
If the Necronomicon fell into
the hands of the Deadites...
176
00:22:32,725 --> 00:22:35,728
all mankind will be consumed by this evil.
177
00:22:35,853 --> 00:22:38,898
Now will thou quest for the book?
178
00:22:51,744 --> 00:22:53,329
That one.
179
00:23:20,648 --> 00:23:22,483
Groovy.
180
00:23:35,371 --> 00:23:38,541
What's the matter?
You raised in a barn? Shut the door.
181
00:23:38,666 --> 00:23:42,128
Probably was raised in a barn,
with all the other primitives.
182
00:23:51,053 --> 00:23:54,098
The wise men say that
thou art The Promised One.
183
00:23:57,894 --> 00:24:01,147
'Tis said that thou wilt journey
for the book to help us...
184
00:24:01,272 --> 00:24:03,524
and that thou wilt lead
our people against the evil.
185
00:24:03,649 --> 00:24:07,695
The only reason I'm going
to get the book is to get home.
186
00:24:13,451 --> 00:24:17,038
- I believe thou wilt be leaving in the morning.
- Don't touch that, please!
187
00:24:17,163 --> 00:24:20,875
Your primitive intellect wouldn't
understand alloys and compositions...
188
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,586
and things with
molecular structures in the...
189
00:24:26,839 --> 00:24:28,883
What are you doin' here anyway?
190
00:24:29,717 --> 00:24:34,096
I wanted to say that all of my hopes
and prayers go with you.
191
00:24:34,222 --> 00:24:36,807
And I made this for thee.
192
00:24:37,433 --> 00:24:40,353
Good, I could use a horse blanket.
193
00:25:02,291 --> 00:25:04,627
Gimme some sugar, baby.
194
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:11,193
Come on, boy!
195
00:26:32,423 --> 00:26:33,883
Steady now. Whoa.
196
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:41,223
What? What is it?
197
00:26:41,348 --> 00:26:45,978
This path will lead you
to an unholy place, a cemetery.
198
00:26:46,103 --> 00:26:49,148
There, the Necronomicon awaits.
199
00:26:52,026 --> 00:26:55,571
When thou retrievest the book from
its cradle, you must recite the words:
200
00:26:55,696 --> 00:26:58,908
Klaatu barada nikto.
201
00:26:59,033 --> 00:27:02,495
Klaatu... barada... nikto. Okay.
202
00:27:02,620 --> 00:27:04,663
Well, repeat them.
203
00:27:04,788 --> 00:27:07,291
Klaatu barada nikto.
204
00:27:07,416 --> 00:27:09,793
- Again!
- I got it, I got it!
205
00:27:09,919 --> 00:27:14,298
I know your damn words, alright?
Now you get this straight, the both of you.
206
00:27:14,423 --> 00:27:17,343
If I get that book, you send me back.
207
00:27:17,468 --> 00:27:19,887
After that, I'm history.
208
00:28:23,450 --> 00:28:25,369
What is it, boy?
209
00:28:48,851 --> 00:28:50,519
Come on!
210
00:29:19,673 --> 00:29:21,133
Come on, you!
211
00:32:37,996 --> 00:32:40,457
Ramming speed!
212
00:32:48,465 --> 00:32:49,758
- Ready.
- Aim.
213
00:32:49,883 --> 00:32:51,009
Fire!
214
00:32:51,968 --> 00:32:53,970
Get away!
215
00:32:56,835 --> 00:32:58,545
You lousy little...
216
00:33:01,756 --> 00:33:03,466
Oh, hold on!
217
00:33:05,176 --> 00:33:06,720
Oh, you...
218
00:33:23,319 --> 00:33:24,988
Oh, you little bastards!
219
00:33:36,291 --> 00:33:37,751
Wait a minute...
220
00:33:37,876 --> 00:33:39,919
Oh, God.
221
00:33:40,712 --> 00:33:42,505
I can't move!
222
00:33:43,465 --> 00:33:45,300
You got me?
223
00:33:47,594 --> 00:33:50,305
- And go!
- Geronimo!
224
00:33:54,017 --> 00:33:55,602
Hooray!
225
00:34:13,328 --> 00:34:15,747
Okay, little fella.
226
00:34:15,872 --> 00:34:18,875
How about some hot chocolate, huh?
227
00:34:28,301 --> 00:34:32,430
How'd you like the taste of that, huh?
How'd you like the...?
228
00:34:50,698 --> 00:34:53,910
Oh, dear God, it's growing bigger!
229
00:35:15,848 --> 00:35:19,519
- Hey! What's the big idea takin'...?
- Hey! What's the big idea takin'...?
230
00:35:19,644 --> 00:35:21,562
- Why, you...
- Why, you...
231
00:35:24,983 --> 00:35:28,027
Oh, I'm blind! I'm blind!
232
00:35:38,287 --> 00:35:40,581
Where are you takin' me?
233
00:35:40,707 --> 00:35:44,502
Oh, Susanna, don't you cry for me!
234
00:35:44,627 --> 00:35:49,048
I've come from Alabama
with a banjo on my knee.
235
00:36:02,478 --> 00:36:04,272
What are you?
236
00:36:04,397 --> 00:36:06,024
Are you me?
237
00:36:06,149 --> 00:36:08,609
"What are you? Are you me?"
238
00:36:10,194 --> 00:36:11,863
You sound like a jerk!
239
00:36:11,988 --> 00:36:14,115
- Why are you doing this?
- Oh, you wanna know?
240
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:16,451
'Cause the answers easy:
241
00:36:16,576 --> 00:36:20,329
I'm bad Ash, and you're good Ash.
242
00:36:20,455 --> 00:36:22,248
You're goody little two-shoes.
243
00:36:22,373 --> 00:36:26,002
You're goody little two-shoes,
goody little two-shoes.
244
00:36:26,544 --> 00:36:29,213
Little goody two-shoes.
Little goody two-shoes.
245
00:36:29,338 --> 00:36:31,799
Little goody two-shoes.
Little goody two-shoes!
246
00:36:31,924 --> 00:36:35,219
Little goody two-shoes!
Little goody two-shoes!
247
00:36:39,474 --> 00:36:41,476
Little goody two-shoes!
248
00:36:53,571 --> 00:36:55,698
I ain't that good.
249
00:38:08,813 --> 00:38:11,190
Now you see what's what.
250
00:38:12,191 --> 00:38:15,861
A man's body is his own personal property.
251
00:38:16,562 --> 00:38:19,523
Don't let anybody try
and take that away from me.
252
00:38:21,484 --> 00:38:25,613
That'll teach you.
Yeah, that'll teach you.
253
00:38:27,823 --> 00:38:30,284
You shall never retrieve the Necronomicon!
254
00:38:30,409 --> 00:38:33,579
You'll die in the graveyard
before you get it!
255
00:38:33,704 --> 00:38:37,458
Hey... What's that you got on your face?
256
00:38:39,627 --> 00:38:43,547
- See how that works?
- I'll come back for you!
257
00:38:43,673 --> 00:38:45,049
I...
258
00:39:02,441 --> 00:39:04,402
Come on, boy!
259
00:39:18,916 --> 00:39:20,251
Come on!
260
00:40:38,412 --> 00:40:39,538
Three books?
261
00:40:44,168 --> 00:40:46,545
Wait a minute. Hold it.
262
00:40:46,670 --> 00:40:50,132
Nobody said anything about three books.
263
00:40:50,799 --> 00:40:53,719
Ooh, that stinkin' wise man!
He was so busy...
264
00:40:53,844 --> 00:40:57,056
filling me full of his secret little words,
his phrases and his bullshit...
265
00:40:57,181 --> 00:41:00,226
that he never said anything about this!
266
00:41:00,726 --> 00:41:05,648
What am I supposed to do?
Take one book, or all books, or...
267
00:41:05,773 --> 00:41:07,733
or what?
268
00:41:10,319 --> 00:41:12,029
Well...
269
00:42:10,546 --> 00:42:13,382
Whoa... Wrong book.
270
00:43:16,820 --> 00:43:18,655
Oh, you...
271
00:43:18,781 --> 00:43:20,949
I'll get back to you.
272
00:43:22,534 --> 00:43:24,119
Well...
273
00:43:25,537 --> 00:43:28,123
Seems fairly obvious.
274
00:43:31,543 --> 00:43:33,587
Oh! Wait a minute.
275
00:43:33,712 --> 00:43:36,131
The words. Alright, alright, alright.
276
00:43:36,256 --> 00:43:38,509
Say the words...
277
00:43:41,804 --> 00:43:43,180
Klaatu...
278
00:43:43,305 --> 00:43:44,932
barada...
279
00:43:45,057 --> 00:43:46,642
n...
280
00:43:53,524 --> 00:43:55,025
Necktie.
281
00:43:55,150 --> 00:43:56,652
Nectar.
282
00:43:56,777 --> 00:43:58,320
Nickel.
283
00:43:58,445 --> 00:44:00,113
Noodle.
284
00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:03,825
It's an "N" word.
It's definitely an "N" word.
285
00:44:06,119 --> 00:44:08,956
It's definitely an "N" word.
286
00:44:20,133 --> 00:44:23,387
Klaatu... barada...
287
00:44:23,512 --> 00:44:25,389
n...
288
00:44:38,860 --> 00:44:40,571
Okay, then!
289
00:44:41,530 --> 00:44:43,532
That's it.
290
00:44:53,500 --> 00:44:54,835
Hey!
291
00:44:55,294 --> 00:44:58,338
Wait a minute. Everything's cool!
292
00:44:58,463 --> 00:45:01,383
I said the words. I did!
293
00:45:02,592 --> 00:45:04,636
No, wait!
294
00:45:18,567 --> 00:45:22,446
You people, seek cover! To the parapet!
295
00:45:23,071 --> 00:45:25,657
Seek your children!
296
00:45:26,783 --> 00:45:28,869
Steady the horses!
297
00:45:28,994 --> 00:45:32,080
Something's wrong. Something's amiss.
298
00:46:04,446 --> 00:46:06,823
Where'd you go? Where'd you...
299
00:46:42,484 --> 00:46:45,153
I'll crush ya!
I'll mash ya into paste, you bony crea...
300
00:46:54,996 --> 00:46:58,375
Keep your damn filthy bones
out of my mouth.
301
00:47:23,149 --> 00:47:25,527
I'm through being their garbage boy.
302
00:47:25,652 --> 00:47:28,238
I did my part. Now I want back...
303
00:47:28,363 --> 00:47:30,532
like in the deal!
304
00:47:44,296 --> 00:47:47,966
I... live...
305
00:47:49,676 --> 00:47:51,928
again.
306
00:48:01,563 --> 00:48:05,400
There! The Promised One!
The Promised One's returned!
307
00:48:05,525 --> 00:48:08,111
Raise the portcullis!
308
00:48:13,783 --> 00:48:16,745
Welcome home!
309
00:48:16,870 --> 00:48:19,347
We're saved!
310
00:48:19,447 --> 00:48:23,535
- The Necronomicon!
- Truly he is The Promised One!
311
00:48:23,660 --> 00:48:25,912
- He's brought the Necronomicon!
- How are ya?
312
00:48:26,037 --> 00:48:28,206
- He's brought the book!
- Yeah, great, great.
313
00:48:28,331 --> 00:48:31,835
- Good boy!
- Get the fuck outta my face!
314
00:48:37,882 --> 00:48:42,178
The Necronomicon, quickly.
Did you bring the Necronomicon?
315
00:48:42,846 --> 00:48:45,390
- Yeah, it's, it's just that...
- Just what?
316
00:48:46,933 --> 00:48:49,185
Nothin'. Here.
317
00:48:55,900 --> 00:48:58,653
Now send me back. Like in the deal.
318
00:48:58,778 --> 00:49:01,156
When you removed the Necronomicon
from the cradle...
319
00:49:01,281 --> 00:49:03,742
did you speak the words?
320
00:49:03,867 --> 00:49:06,870
- Yeah, basically.
- Did you speak the exact words?
321
00:49:06,995 --> 00:49:09,831
Look, maybe I didn't say
every single, little tiny syllable, no...
322
00:49:09,956 --> 00:49:12,500
- ...but basically I said 'em, yeah.
- Dung-eating fool!
323
00:49:12,625 --> 00:49:14,836
Thou hast doomed us all!
324
00:49:14,961 --> 00:49:18,423
When thou misspoke the words,
the army of the dead awoke!
325
00:49:18,548 --> 00:49:20,925
Now, whoa, whoa,
right there, spinach chin.
326
00:49:21,051 --> 00:49:24,095
You said you could clean this mess up
once you got that book.
327
00:49:24,220 --> 00:49:27,849
You said there was a passage that could
get rid of this thing and send me back.
328
00:49:27,974 --> 00:49:30,643
It's true, the book still possesses
the power to send you back...
329
00:49:30,769 --> 00:49:32,395
but to us it is useless!
330
00:49:32,520 --> 00:49:35,106
The evil has a terrible hunger
for the Necronomicon...
331
00:49:35,231 --> 00:49:38,109
and it will come here to get it.
332
00:49:38,234 --> 00:49:40,904
We had a deal.
333
00:49:41,029 --> 00:49:43,865
You wanted the damn book, I got it for ya.
334
00:49:43,990 --> 00:49:45,992
I did my part, now you send me back.
335
00:49:46,117 --> 00:49:52,832
Very well. As we are men of our word,
we shall honor our bargain.
336
00:49:52,957 --> 00:49:55,877
The wise men shall return you
to your own time.
337
00:49:56,920 --> 00:49:58,755
Yeah?
338
00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:03,134
- I thought he was the one.
- Yeah, right, 'cause that was the deal.
339
00:50:03,259 --> 00:50:08,181
So when do you think
we can start with all the...
340
00:50:08,306 --> 00:50:11,810
- ...thing and the...
- He's nothin' but a traitor, he is!
341
00:50:11,935 --> 00:50:16,439
When do you think we can start...
with all the ceremony and...
342
00:50:16,564 --> 00:50:18,316
You know, like...
343
00:50:18,441 --> 00:50:22,821
You know, 'cause... sooner
is always better than later, right?
344
00:50:23,988 --> 00:50:26,407
Wretched excuse for a man!
345
00:50:26,533 --> 00:50:29,494
The wise men were fools to trust in you.
346
00:50:30,662 --> 00:50:35,416
- I knew he couldn't be trusted.
- We put our trust in him.
347
00:50:35,542 --> 00:50:38,586
I still believe that thou wilt help us.
348
00:50:38,711 --> 00:50:42,423
Oh, Sheila, don't you get it? It's over.
349
00:50:44,050 --> 00:50:46,386
I didn't have what it took.
350
00:50:48,471 --> 00:50:50,515
So long.
351
00:50:55,019 --> 00:50:56,938
You would leave me?
352
00:50:57,063 --> 00:51:00,275
Cripes, I don't belong here.
353
00:51:01,317 --> 00:51:03,236
I got a chance to go back,
and I'm takin' it.
354
00:51:03,361 --> 00:51:05,780
But what of the things we've shared?
355
00:51:05,905 --> 00:51:08,575
What of all the sweet words
that you spoke in private?
356
00:51:08,700 --> 00:51:10,493
Aw, well...
357
00:51:11,452 --> 00:51:15,498
Well, that's just what we call
pillow talk, baby. That's all.
358
00:51:15,623 --> 00:51:18,167
It was more than that.
359
00:51:19,586 --> 00:51:22,213
I still have faith in thee.
360
00:51:22,338 --> 00:51:25,675
I still believe that thou
wilt stay and save us.
361
00:51:31,264 --> 00:51:33,099
Coward!
362
00:51:36,644 --> 00:51:38,771
Look there! A demon!
363
00:51:39,731 --> 00:51:42,483
Draw, lads, for Lord and castle!
364
00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:52,910
Let's get out of here!
365
00:51:54,579 --> 00:51:57,457
Ash, help me!
366
00:51:57,582 --> 00:51:58,750
Sheila!
367
00:52:12,513 --> 00:52:15,266
Hold your arms! You'll hit the girl!
368
00:52:19,729 --> 00:52:21,689
Me sword!
369
00:52:26,402 --> 00:52:28,821
Damn you!
370
00:52:46,005 --> 00:52:49,133
Dig, damn you!
371
00:52:49,258 --> 00:52:51,219
Dig faster!
372
00:52:51,344 --> 00:52:55,890
I shall command every worm-infested
son-of-a-bitch that ever died in battle!
373
00:52:56,015 --> 00:52:58,309
- You there, handsomely now.
- Aye, my liege.
374
00:52:58,434 --> 00:53:00,937
We shall storm their castle
and get my book.
375
00:53:01,062 --> 00:53:04,315
Hoist, you damnable varlets!
376
00:53:08,653 --> 00:53:12,365
Welcome back to the land of the living.
377
00:53:12,490 --> 00:53:15,576
Now pick up a shovel and get digging!
378
00:53:17,286 --> 00:53:19,330
Bring on the wench!
379
00:53:30,925 --> 00:53:32,885
Gimme some sugar, baby.
380
00:53:38,850 --> 00:53:43,437
Now, ain't you a sweet little thing?
381
00:53:46,357 --> 00:53:49,485
Don't touch me, you foul thing!
382
00:54:00,955 --> 00:54:03,207
Come on.
383
00:54:03,332 --> 00:54:05,626
That's it.
384
00:54:18,514 --> 00:54:21,767
We got plans for you, girly-girl. Move!
385
00:54:23,269 --> 00:54:28,190
Have you lost your bones,
you decomposed gobs? Get thee hence!
386
00:54:36,490 --> 00:54:39,035
A scout approaches!
387
00:54:45,082 --> 00:54:47,418
Hey, get his horse.
388
00:54:48,085 --> 00:54:49,337
Arise.
389
00:54:49,462 --> 00:54:52,923
An army of the dead gather in the wilderness.
They approach the castle.
390
00:54:53,049 --> 00:54:55,426
- How far from here?
- But two days' ride.
391
00:54:55,551 --> 00:54:57,470
These winged ones
are only the first of them.
392
00:54:57,595 --> 00:55:00,306
- Perhaps we should leave as soon as possible.
- We could be safe in the mountains.
393
00:55:00,431 --> 00:55:02,016
Yes, yes, the mountains! We must flee!
394
00:55:02,141 --> 00:55:04,852
- It is written, Arthur. It has been foretold.
- They'll take our souls.
395
00:55:04,977 --> 00:55:08,189
- I'm afraid! I don't want to die!
- They'll swallow our souls.
396
00:55:09,982 --> 00:55:11,901
That's it.
397
00:55:12,568 --> 00:55:14,362
Go ahead and run.
398
00:55:14,487 --> 00:55:17,907
Run home and cry to mama!
399
00:55:18,032 --> 00:55:19,992
Me?
400
00:55:20,117 --> 00:55:22,703
I'm through runnin'!
401
00:55:23,454 --> 00:55:26,707
I say we stay here and fight it out.
402
00:55:26,832 --> 00:55:31,420
Are all men from the future
loudmouthed braggarts?
403
00:55:31,545 --> 00:55:33,172
Nope.
404
00:55:33,297 --> 00:55:36,425
Just me, baby. Just me.
405
00:55:37,134 --> 00:55:41,097
How will we fight an army
of the dead at our castle walls?
406
00:55:41,222 --> 00:55:44,016
How will you fight that? More words?
407
00:55:44,141 --> 00:55:48,646
Most of our people have already fled.
We are but 60 men.
408
00:55:48,771 --> 00:55:52,233
Then we'll get Henry the Red
and his men to fight with us.
409
00:55:55,653 --> 00:55:59,698
Now... who's with me?
410
00:56:13,879 --> 00:56:16,257
I'll stand by ya.
411
00:56:17,883 --> 00:56:20,386
You can count on my steel.
412
00:56:20,511 --> 00:56:24,431
- I'll offer up my courage.
- Me sword's by his side.
413
00:56:24,557 --> 00:56:28,060
- I'm with you!
- I'll bend my bow to your will, sir.
414
00:56:28,185 --> 00:56:29,812
And mine!
415
00:56:31,522 --> 00:56:35,025
- We'll stay!
- Hail! Hail!
416
00:56:35,150 --> 00:56:43,075
Hail! Hail!
417
00:56:52,793 --> 00:56:57,590
Well, my dear, say hello to the boys.
418
00:57:02,720 --> 00:57:06,682
There's a sight for sore bones.
419
00:57:10,227 --> 00:57:16,108
I may be bad, but I feel... good.
420
00:57:16,233 --> 00:57:18,944
- Who rules?
- You, my Lord!
421
00:57:19,069 --> 00:57:22,615
- You, sir! To the castle!
- To the castle!
422
00:57:22,740 --> 00:57:26,201
- But the men are afraid!
- Has Duke Henry not answered us yet?
423
00:57:26,327 --> 00:57:28,787
Quit your belly-aching!
424
00:57:28,912 --> 00:57:31,290
I know you're scared.
425
00:57:32,041 --> 00:57:34,126
We're all scared.
426
00:57:34,752 --> 00:57:37,713
But that doesn't mean we're cowards.
427
00:57:37,838 --> 00:57:40,966
We can take these Deadites,
we can take 'em!
428
00:57:42,343 --> 00:57:44,511
With science.
429
00:57:48,891 --> 00:57:53,270
- Come to it! Come!
- Come on, fellas! Push!
430
00:58:43,862 --> 00:58:47,241
Come on! Come on! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!
431
00:58:47,741 --> 00:58:48,992
Okay, in, in!
432
00:59:31,368 --> 00:59:32,995
Yeah!
433
00:59:34,872 --> 00:59:39,001
They're coming! The Deadites approach!
434
00:59:44,047 --> 00:59:47,509
Quickly now, you worthless fools!
They'll be on us anon!
435
00:59:47,634 --> 00:59:51,722
- Come on, guys!
- Archers to the back!
436
00:59:53,348 --> 00:59:57,686
The moment of truth is almost here.
You men better not fail me now.
437
01:00:13,827 --> 01:00:16,330
There's so damned many of them!
438
01:00:29,635 --> 01:00:31,887
I need more men.
439
01:01:13,970 --> 01:01:18,433
Battle stations!
Get those rocks up, mister, on the double!
440
01:01:18,558 --> 01:01:22,979
Ready the catapults!
By God, let's give 'em what for.
441
01:01:30,821 --> 01:01:35,075
- And halt!
- Company, halt!
442
01:01:35,200 --> 01:01:37,411
Company, halt!
443
01:01:44,751 --> 01:01:47,546
I'll rip his balls off.
444
01:02:38,013 --> 01:02:41,224
- Looking glass!
- Aye, sire.
445
01:02:48,607 --> 01:02:51,443
Once I possess the Necronomicon...
446
01:02:51,568 --> 01:02:57,616
I shall rule, and you shall be my queen.
447
01:03:11,671 --> 01:03:14,382
My Lord, we are positioned on both fronts.
448
01:03:14,507 --> 01:03:17,928
Fine, fine, fine.
Where are they keeping my book?
449
01:03:18,053 --> 01:03:20,931
There, my Lord, beyond
the drawbridge in the second wall.
450
01:03:21,056 --> 01:03:23,350
That would be the safest place.
451
01:03:23,475 --> 01:03:28,897
I will not allow anything to keep me
from possessing that Necronomicon.
452
01:03:29,940 --> 01:03:34,319
Now, bring me forth into that castle.
453
01:03:34,444 --> 01:03:37,572
- Forward!
- Forward!
454
01:03:37,697 --> 01:03:42,118
Cry havoc, and let loose the dogs of war!
455
01:03:42,243 --> 01:03:45,038
To the castle!
456
01:03:49,292 --> 01:03:50,627
Excellent.
457
01:03:53,546 --> 01:03:56,132
Death to the mortals!
458
01:03:59,386 --> 01:04:00,387
Arrows!
459
01:04:01,054 --> 01:04:02,722
Bows!
460
01:04:02,847 --> 01:04:04,474
Load!
461
01:04:05,684 --> 01:04:07,560
Draw!
462
01:04:16,861 --> 01:04:19,239
Torch boy!
463
01:05:01,156 --> 01:05:02,323
Steady.
464
01:05:09,122 --> 01:05:10,457
Fire!
465
01:05:13,084 --> 01:05:15,628
Advance, you demons! Advance!
466
01:05:31,728 --> 01:05:34,481
Yeah, baby!
467
01:05:39,319 --> 01:05:40,945
Alright!
468
01:05:43,615 --> 01:05:47,076
Sire, there's a second division
approaching from the south.
469
01:05:48,036 --> 01:05:50,997
Ram the gate!
470
01:05:55,335 --> 01:05:56,836
Catapults.
471
01:05:56,961 --> 01:05:59,172
Catapults south!
472
01:05:59,297 --> 01:06:02,634
Come on, men! Move it! Turn it around!
473
01:06:02,759 --> 01:06:04,844
Right! Heave-ho!
474
01:06:07,288 --> 01:06:08,289
Yeah!
475
01:06:09,749 --> 01:06:11,626
Fire!
476
01:06:27,976 --> 01:06:28,977
Yeah!
477
01:06:31,354 --> 01:06:33,273
Seek cover!
478
01:06:33,398 --> 01:06:36,067
- Watch out!
- Make way!
479
01:06:45,702 --> 01:06:48,538
Oh, you miserable bags of bones!
480
01:06:48,663 --> 01:06:52,458
Pick yourselves up and sally f...
481
01:06:53,334 --> 01:06:55,003
Sally f...
482
01:06:55,879 --> 01:06:57,839
Sally forth!
483
01:06:59,924 --> 01:07:01,593
Come on, guys!
484
01:07:03,386 --> 01:07:05,013
Lower!
485
01:07:05,138 --> 01:07:06,806
Heave!
486
01:07:12,896 --> 01:07:14,606
Forward!
487
01:07:16,774 --> 01:07:19,611
Buttress the door, now!
488
01:07:31,497 --> 01:07:32,707
Hold fast!
489
01:07:36,002 --> 01:07:38,504
- Rocks!
- Stone these creatures!
490
01:07:38,630 --> 01:07:40,256
Damn you!
491
01:07:43,509 --> 01:07:45,595
Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
492
01:07:45,720 --> 01:07:48,473
Go, you cretins! Arrows!
493
01:07:48,598 --> 01:07:51,100
Load! Fire!
494
01:07:56,689 --> 01:07:59,442
We'll ram it down the bastard's throat!
495
01:08:01,194 --> 01:08:03,613
We've broken through! The castle is ours!
496
01:08:08,910 --> 01:08:12,080
Kill the mortals!
497
01:08:47,323 --> 01:08:50,284
Pull back! Man the parapet!
498
01:08:50,410 --> 01:08:53,204
- Protect the book.
- Retreat!
499
01:08:53,329 --> 01:08:54,872
God save us all.
500
01:08:59,710 --> 01:09:02,880
Say hello to the 21st century. Yeah!
501
01:09:15,560 --> 01:09:17,812
Come on! I got plenty for everybody!
502
01:09:18,688 --> 01:09:19,897
Look out!
503
01:09:26,904 --> 01:09:29,240
- How do you like this?
- Play dead!
504
01:09:32,285 --> 01:09:35,621
It's the one in the cart we want. Get him!
505
01:10:09,947 --> 01:10:11,699
Sheila.
506
01:10:36,724 --> 01:10:40,061
- We've secured the courtyard, my Lord.
- Excellent.
507
01:10:53,532 --> 01:10:55,743
Hey! Look out!
508
01:11:02,667 --> 01:11:06,587
- Hey, you're mine, sweetie.
- Get off of her!
509
01:11:11,217 --> 01:11:13,010
Gotcha!
510
01:11:13,135 --> 01:11:15,054
Damn you!
511
01:11:18,057 --> 01:11:20,976
- My Lord!
- Stay with the book.
512
01:11:21,102 --> 01:11:23,521
The book's where we are.
513
01:11:26,982 --> 01:11:30,861
The Red! The Red!
Duke Henry and his men have come!
514
01:11:30,986 --> 01:11:33,739
For king and castle!
515
01:11:34,365 --> 01:11:39,370
Blows, blood, and death!
516
01:11:42,790 --> 01:11:45,209
We are saved!
517
01:11:55,469 --> 01:11:59,056
Onward, valiant cousins!
Their ranks are broke!
518
01:12:06,480 --> 01:12:07,773
Oops!
519
01:12:09,817 --> 01:12:11,819
Hello friends!
520
01:12:20,911 --> 01:12:22,955
The book is mine.
521
01:12:30,880 --> 01:12:33,132
I'll cut your gizzard out.
522
01:12:33,757 --> 01:12:36,051
Hey! Where'd he go? Hey!
523
01:12:46,604 --> 01:12:47,771
Come to papa.
524
01:12:49,398 --> 01:12:50,941
Get him!
525
01:13:17,885 --> 01:13:20,095
Oh, you crazy bitch, get off of me!
526
01:13:26,518 --> 01:13:28,270
Right.
527
01:13:34,944 --> 01:13:37,237
You found me beautiful once.
528
01:13:37,363 --> 01:13:40,658
Honey, you got real ugly.
529
01:13:57,967 --> 01:13:59,551
There we are.
530
01:14:08,260 --> 01:14:11,889
So you wanna play rough, eh? Okay!
531
01:14:20,814 --> 01:14:22,650
Alright, alright.
532
01:14:41,585 --> 01:14:43,295
You're going down!
533
01:14:44,672 --> 01:14:47,841
- I'm goin' up.
- I'm comin' for ya.
534
01:14:55,808 --> 01:14:57,685
Come on!
535
01:15:11,532 --> 01:15:14,618
- Oops. Excuse me.
- Come on.
536
01:15:14,743 --> 01:15:16,370
Alright!
537
01:15:17,538 --> 01:15:21,917
You're pissin' me off,
you ugly son of a bitch!
538
01:15:39,176 --> 01:15:42,679
I'll spoil those good looks.
539
01:15:44,098 --> 01:15:46,517
Back-stabber!
540
01:15:50,687 --> 01:15:52,272
Hold still!
541
01:16:03,275 --> 01:16:04,735
Tally-ho!
542
01:16:09,598 --> 01:16:14,520
- We can't hold the battlements!
- We will hold! We must protect the book!
543
01:16:29,618 --> 01:16:32,538
I got a bone to pick with you.
544
01:16:32,663 --> 01:16:34,248
Come on.
545
01:16:40,838 --> 01:16:43,382
Slice that gizzard open.
546
01:16:59,189 --> 01:17:02,276
Now you're mine. Let's go!
547
01:17:22,004 --> 01:17:24,131
At last, the book.
548
01:17:29,845 --> 01:17:32,097
I possess the Necronomicon.
549
01:17:32,222 --> 01:17:33,891
I've crushed your pathetic army.
550
01:17:34,016 --> 01:17:35,809
Now I'll have my vengeance.
551
01:17:35,934 --> 01:17:39,730
Buckle up, bonehead,
'cause you're goin' for a ride.
552
01:17:55,078 --> 01:17:57,164
Victory's ours!
553
01:17:58,916 --> 01:18:02,586
- Retreat! Retreat!
- Let's get the hell out of here!
554
01:18:29,897 --> 01:18:32,900
- Tricky ones, they are.
- If it's a fight you want...
555
01:18:33,942 --> 01:18:36,612
Watch 'em, lads.
They're an untrustworthy lot.
556
01:18:36,737 --> 01:18:40,240
If it's a fight they're looking for,
they can get it!
557
01:19:23,951 --> 01:19:25,535
Move yourself, lad!
558
01:19:26,069 --> 01:19:28,030
- Your hand, man. Godspeed!
- Hey, Henry.
559
01:19:28,155 --> 01:19:29,448
- You had us going.
- My Lady.
560
01:19:29,573 --> 01:19:31,992
- Arthur.
- Well won, my friend.
561
01:19:32,117 --> 01:19:34,536
We've won the day. Yeah!
562
01:19:34,661 --> 01:19:36,705
Yeah!
563
01:19:40,208 --> 01:19:44,630
We're brothers!
And a new kingdom shall be born!
564
01:19:47,215 --> 01:19:50,344
The book tells us that
once you drink this liquid...
565
01:19:50,469 --> 01:19:54,222
and recite the words,
Klaatu barada nikto"...
566
01:19:54,348 --> 01:19:57,601
thou shalt awaken in thine own time.
567
01:19:59,728 --> 01:20:04,316
Remember... you must recite
the words exactly.
568
01:20:56,451 --> 01:20:58,328
I thought about staying.
569
01:20:58,453 --> 01:21:01,623
They offered me the chance
to lead them, to teach them, to...
570
01:21:01,748 --> 01:21:03,917
to be king.
571
01:21:04,918 --> 01:21:07,462
But my place is here, so...
572
01:21:07,587 --> 01:21:10,132
I swallowed the juice,
said the words and here I am.
573
01:21:10,257 --> 01:21:13,218
Did you say the words right this time?
574
01:21:13,969 --> 01:21:16,721
Well, maybe I didn't say every
single, tiny little syllable, no...
575
01:21:16,847 --> 01:21:19,224
but basically I said 'em, yeah.
576
01:21:21,059 --> 01:21:22,769
Basically?
577
01:21:25,730 --> 01:21:28,316
You know that story about
how you could've been king...
578
01:21:29,151 --> 01:21:31,486
I think it's kind of cute.
579
01:21:32,737 --> 01:21:34,489
Yeah...
580
01:21:52,924 --> 01:21:54,301
Die!
581
01:22:08,398 --> 01:22:11,776
Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave the store.
582
01:22:11,902 --> 01:22:16,239
- Who the hell are you?
- Name's Ash.
583
01:22:18,116 --> 01:22:19,284
Housewares.
584
01:22:40,180 --> 01:22:42,474
I'll swallow your soul.
585
01:22:42,599 --> 01:22:44,100
Come get some.
586
01:23:04,454 --> 01:23:07,832
Sure, I could've stayed in the past.
587
01:23:09,000 --> 01:23:11,586
Could've even been king.
588
01:23:12,754 --> 01:23:15,215
But in my own way...
589
01:23:15,340 --> 01:23:17,342
I am king.
590
01:23:18,468 --> 01:23:20,804
Hail to the king, baby.
41629
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