Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,208 --> 00:00:03,918
♪ Chappelle's ShowChappelle's Show ♪
2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
3
00:00:05,750 --> 00:00:06,710
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
4
00:00:06,792 --> 00:00:07,752
♪ Ow ♪
5
00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:10,500
♪ Woo-hoo-hoo ♪
6
00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:12,213
♪ Woo-hoo ♪
7
00:00:12,042 --> 00:00:13,712
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
8
00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:17,423
Let's start the show.
9
00:00:19,875 --> 00:00:23,495
[announcer] Give it up right now
for my man, Dave Chappelle!
10
00:00:23,583 --> 00:00:25,043
[applauding]
11
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:27,535
Oh... yes!
12
00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,380
Hey, thank you, brother,
thank you.
13
00:00:32,792 --> 00:00:33,672
All right, everybody
14
00:00:33,750 --> 00:00:36,420
have a seat, man,
let's all relax.
15
00:00:36,500 --> 00:00:37,670
Thanks for coming back.
16
00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:39,460
Welcome to Chappelle's Show.
17
00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:42,003
You know, we've been getting a
little flack in the press.
18
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,333
I don't know if you
guys have seen some things
19
00:00:43,417 --> 00:00:45,827
that were written calling us
controversial,
20
00:00:46,708 --> 00:00:47,998
which I was surprised about.
21
00:00:48,625 --> 00:00:50,035
That's the thing
about being on T.V.,
22
00:00:50,125 --> 00:00:52,245
you just never can say what
you wanna say, man.
23
00:00:52,333 --> 00:00:54,293
'cause, if I said
everything I thought
24
00:00:54,375 --> 00:00:55,825
it would just freak America out.
25
00:00:55,917 --> 00:00:58,247
You wouldn't wanna
hear a young black dude
26
00:00:58,333 --> 00:01:00,633
saying half the things
I be thinking.
27
00:01:01,208 --> 00:01:03,078
The only way people would
listen to the stuff I think
28
00:01:03,167 --> 00:01:05,707
is if a pretty white girl
sang my thoughts.
29
00:01:07,750 --> 00:01:10,580
And I actually happen to
have a pretty white girl here.
30
00:01:11,167 --> 00:01:12,787
Pretty white girl, come on out.
31
00:01:13,083 --> 00:01:14,383
She's in my contract.
32
00:01:15,125 --> 00:01:16,285
[cheering]
33
00:01:16,375 --> 00:01:18,205
Good evening,
pretty white woman.
34
00:01:20,583 --> 00:01:21,753
Thank you for being here.
35
00:01:21,833 --> 00:01:23,753
I have some things
I need to get off my chest.
36
00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:37,210
♪ Crack was invented
And distributed ♪
37
00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:43,035
♪ To intentionally
Destroy the black community ♪
38
00:01:43,125 --> 00:01:45,325
[laughing]
39
00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:49,128
♪ Aids was too ♪
40
00:01:54,125 --> 00:01:59,035
♪ The police never look for
Tupac and Biggie's murderers ♪
41
00:02:01,500 --> 00:02:04,000
♪ Fuck the police ♪
42
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:07,040
[applause]
43
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:18,540
♪ What ever happened to that
Recount in Florida ♪
44
00:02:22,833 --> 00:02:25,253
♪ O.J didn't do it ♪
45
00:02:29,208 --> 00:02:32,038
♪ On second thought,
Yeah he did ♪
46
00:02:40,042 --> 00:02:41,542
♪ Gay sex is gross ♪
47
00:02:41,625 --> 00:02:44,995
♪ Sorry I just find it
to be gross ♪
48
00:02:47,958 --> 00:02:53,378
♪ Unless of course
they're lesbians ♪
49
00:02:57,208 --> 00:03:00,538
♪ I like lesbians ♪
50
00:03:04,125 --> 00:03:07,165
♪ I like lesbians ♪
51
00:03:09,542 --> 00:03:11,252
For real, I like lesbians.
52
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:15,917
But I digress from my point...
53
00:03:19,333 --> 00:03:22,923
♪ All Chinese people
look alike ♪
54
00:03:26,042 --> 00:03:29,082
♪ So do white people ♪
55
00:03:32,167 --> 00:03:34,037
♪ Pretty much
Anyone who isn't black ♪
56
00:03:36,042 --> 00:03:38,082
♪ Looks alike to me ♪
57
00:03:43,208 --> 00:03:47,998
♪ Oh, I want to stick
My thumb in J-Lo's butt ♪
58
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:50,463
[laughing]
59
00:03:57,875 --> 00:04:01,125
♪ I wouldn't mind sticking
a finger or two ♪
60
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:04,498
♪ Up that singing
White girl's butt either ♪
61
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,498
♪ Call me on my cell, 917-- ♪
62
00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:22,540
[applause]
63
00:04:29,208 --> 00:04:33,458
♪ And now it's time
To collect ad revenue ♪
64
00:04:33,542 --> 00:04:36,462
♪ For Comedy Central ♪
65
00:04:36,542 --> 00:04:40,082
[cheering]
66
00:04:44,792 --> 00:04:49,082
♪ Revenue they don't
Share with my black ass ♪
67
00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:52,417
[cheers and applause]
68
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:59,290
Real sex, street interviews,
take one!
69
00:04:59,375 --> 00:05:01,075
[cameraman] Sophia,
what's the craziest thing
70
00:05:01,167 --> 00:05:01,827
you ever did sexually?
71
00:05:02,667 --> 00:05:04,787
Um, the craziest thing
I ever did sexually--
72
00:05:05,083 --> 00:05:06,463
Oh, oh, oh,
okay, okay, okay--
73
00:05:06,542 --> 00:05:09,462
One time, I had a three way with
these two guys in college
74
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,752
and my sorority sisters
were, like, cheering me on.
75
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:14,043
Yeah, that'd be it,
that'd be it.
76
00:05:14,125 --> 00:05:15,455
[cameraman] What about you, sir?
77
00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:18,327
Craziest thing
I ever did sexually?
78
00:05:19,917 --> 00:05:21,997
That'd probably be having sex
with old gangbang here,
79
00:05:22,083 --> 00:05:23,383
without a rubber.
80
00:05:24,125 --> 00:05:25,285
We're fuckin' done, man!
81
00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:27,075
This date is over!
82
00:05:27,167 --> 00:05:28,167
Wait a minute, hold up.
83
00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,750
Wait, hold--
I'm kidding.
84
00:05:29,833 --> 00:05:31,133
Get off me.
85
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:35,127
♪ Chappelle's Show
Ow ♪
86
00:05:37,042 --> 00:05:40,212
You know, uh,
in the quest to get paid
87
00:05:40,042 --> 00:05:42,672
I have devised a new scheme,
ladies and gentlemen,
88
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,210
which is not an easy
thing to do, but I've got it.
89
00:05:46,042 --> 00:05:48,042
I'm gonna have my own phone line
90
00:05:48,542 --> 00:05:50,252
like Miss Cleo, you understand?
91
00:05:51,125 --> 00:05:52,825
but I'm gonna do mine real.
92
00:05:52,917 --> 00:05:55,747
You see?
Miss Cleo lies, she's phony.
93
00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:00,420
I've got a nagging suspicion
that bitch ain't Jamaican,
94
00:06:00,500 --> 00:06:03,170
-you know what I'm saying?
-[laughing]
95
00:06:05,625 --> 00:06:06,625
I couldn't prove it,
96
00:06:08,792 --> 00:06:10,002
but check mine out.
97
00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:16,210
Dave Chappelle is not a psychic.
98
00:06:16,417 --> 00:06:19,037
He is merely a racist,
who believes that stereotypes
99
00:06:19,125 --> 00:06:21,035
dictate our futures.
100
00:06:21,125 --> 00:06:23,325
[woman's voice] My boyfriend
says my butt's too big.
101
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:24,707
Why would he say that?
102
00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:26,132
My old boyfriend liked itjust fine.
103
00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:27,995
Okay.
104
00:06:28,083 --> 00:06:29,173
Okay, have you gained weight?
105
00:06:29,250 --> 00:06:30,330
No.
106
00:06:30,417 --> 00:06:33,167
Okay, so your current
boyfriend is white.
107
00:06:33,250 --> 00:06:34,750
Oh, my gosh, yes!
108
00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,713
Yeah, and your old boyfriend
is black, ain't he?
109
00:06:36,792 --> 00:06:39,002
Oh, my God,how did you know that?
110
00:06:39,083 --> 00:06:41,293
Because a brother can't get
enough of that ass.
111
00:06:42,083 --> 00:06:43,213
Hold up, I'm seeing something...
112
00:06:44,083 --> 00:06:45,133
it's your parents!
113
00:06:45,208 --> 00:06:46,208
Oh, God.
114
00:06:46,042 --> 00:06:48,082
They're angry, real angry!
115
00:06:49,625 --> 00:06:52,035
They kicked you out for dating
a black dude, didn't they?
116
00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:54,075
Oh, my God, there's no wayyou could have known that
117
00:06:54,167 --> 00:06:55,497
not unless you knew me!
118
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,633
Or if I dated
four white girls myself.
119
00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:58,708
Thanks for playing.
120
00:07:00,208 --> 00:07:03,578
Dave Chappelle's
insights will astound you.
121
00:07:03,667 --> 00:07:05,917
[man with foreign accent)
Bueno, is this Dave Chappelle?
122
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,630
All right, I'm hearing
an accent.
123
00:07:08,042 --> 00:07:09,292
You from south of the border?
124
00:07:09,375 --> 00:07:11,165
You amaze me, man!
125
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,500
Oh, hold on, there...
is your name Miguel?
126
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,497
-It is!
-Bam!
127
00:07:15,958 --> 00:07:17,628
All right, all right
go ahead, dog.
128
00:07:17,708 --> 00:07:20,038
So, David, I wasdriving on the freeway.
129
00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,415
Stop-- driving.
130
00:07:22,792 --> 00:07:24,542
You drive a pickup truck,
don't you, Miguel?
131
00:07:24,625 --> 00:07:26,075
Yes, I do.
132
00:07:26,625 --> 00:07:28,035
And you don't have
insurance, do you?
133
00:07:28,125 --> 00:07:29,375
No, I don't.
134
00:07:30,042 --> 00:07:31,132
Bam!
135
00:07:31,208 --> 00:07:33,038
[narrator] Sometimes,
Dave will talk with
136
00:07:33,125 --> 00:07:34,625
a phony Baloney Jamaican accent.
137
00:07:34,708 --> 00:07:36,918
[Jamaican accent]
The cards don't lie!
138
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:38,207
Lord have mercy!
139
00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:40,958
Hello?
140
00:07:41,042 --> 00:07:43,292
[woman] Collect call froma correctional facility,
141
00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:44,705
will you accept the charges?
142
00:07:44,792 --> 00:07:45,832
Yes, I will.
143
00:07:45,917 --> 00:07:46,997
Go ahead, sir.
144
00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,753
All right, before you
even say anything,
145
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:50,083
You black, ain't you?
146
00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:52,417
[man] Yo, this niggais off the hook!
147
00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:54,000
Wait a minute, I see something!
148
00:07:54,083 --> 00:07:55,253
What?
149
00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:56,463
You getting out of jail!
150
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:57,752
Say word, son!
151
00:07:57,833 --> 00:07:59,963
You're walking out,
you are free as a bird!
152
00:08:00,792 --> 00:08:02,002
Hold up.
153
00:08:02,083 --> 00:08:03,923
I'm seeing something--
It's six weeks later...
154
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:06,420
you going right back in the jail
155
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:08,543
for the same shit.
156
00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:10,205
-What kinda psychic--
-[dial tone]
157
00:08:10,042 --> 00:08:12,462
Call this number now,
and let Dave
158
00:08:12,542 --> 00:08:15,252
or one of his educated
guessers tell you your future.
159
00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:17,673
It's only 99 cents for
the first minute,
160
00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:19,500
2.50 each additional minute.
161
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:21,253
You can't afford not
to have your future read
162
00:08:21,333 --> 00:08:23,133
based on stereotypes.
163
00:08:23,417 --> 00:08:26,247
[Jamaican accent] Call me now
for a bumble-clot reading!
164
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:28,460
[mumbling]
165
00:08:30,708 --> 00:08:31,918
Hey, y'all,
166
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:33,000
Flippity-flap, flippity-float,
flippity-fleep,
167
00:08:33,083 --> 00:08:34,083
here comes some jokes!
168
00:08:34,833 --> 00:08:36,713
[announcer] For years,
we've all watched
169
00:08:36,792 --> 00:08:38,042
celebrities accepting awards
170
00:08:38,208 --> 00:08:39,878
get played off by
the house orchestra
171
00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:42,038
When their speech runs
on too long.
172
00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:43,920
My parents were really
disappointed
173
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,420
when I dropped out
of school for that year,
174
00:08:45,500 --> 00:08:47,880
but I felt like I really just
needed to find myself.
175
00:08:47,958 --> 00:08:49,078
Word?
176
00:08:49,167 --> 00:08:50,127
But then, you know,
I was like, you know what?
177
00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:52,168
Let me just go to Howard like
my father, you know?
178
00:08:52,250 --> 00:08:53,790
Well, then, my girlfriend Gina,
she called me up,
179
00:08:53,875 --> 00:08:56,825
she said, "Girl, you have
got to get down to Emory,
180
00:08:56,917 --> 00:08:57,707
down to Hotlanta!
181
00:08:57,792 --> 00:08:59,382
I was like Gina, number one,
182
00:08:59,458 --> 00:09:01,208
why are you calling me up,
trying to confuse me?
183
00:09:01,292 --> 00:09:03,042
You know Spelman's in Atlanta,
too.
184
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:05,825
Second of all, you know I'm
vacillating here, trying to--
185
00:09:06,292 --> 00:09:07,792
[narrator] With
"the wrap it up box,"
186
00:09:07,875 --> 00:09:11,995
you've got that same power,
right in your pocket.
187
00:09:12,083 --> 00:09:14,043
So then I just went to Howard,
where I majored in sociology,
188
00:09:14,125 --> 00:09:15,785
and made a lot of friends
and had a really good time!
189
00:09:16,625 --> 00:09:18,665
So that was college,
how about you?
190
00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:25,713
From the makers of
the home stenographer comes
191
00:09:26,208 --> 00:09:27,708
"The wrap it up box"!
192
00:09:28,167 --> 00:09:30,747
It's like being the director
of an awards show
193
00:09:31,417 --> 00:09:33,037
everywhere you go!
194
00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:34,165
[pounding gavel]
195
00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:37,543
Young man, you've been found
guilty by a jury of your peers.
196
00:09:38,292 --> 00:09:40,132
The crime you've committed
was very serious,
197
00:09:40,458 --> 00:09:41,538
and before I sentence you,
198
00:09:42,250 --> 00:09:44,330
I'd like to say a few words
about your arrest record--
199
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:45,877
What the hell?
200
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,213
Yo, the sign is real simple, B,
201
00:09:48,625 --> 00:09:49,665
it says, "Wrap it up."
202
00:09:50,667 --> 00:09:51,457
Wrap that shit up, "B"!
203
00:09:51,958 --> 00:09:53,668
I don't think
that's a good idea.
204
00:09:54,125 --> 00:09:55,455
Man, you want some too?
205
00:09:55,542 --> 00:09:56,542
You'd better wrap it up!
206
00:09:56,625 --> 00:09:58,125
[pounding gavel]
207
00:09:58,708 --> 00:10:00,038
You'd better
wrap that gavel up, "B"!
208
00:10:02,542 --> 00:10:04,172
That's what I'm talking about.
That's what I was telling you.
209
00:10:05,375 --> 00:10:08,325
With "The wrap it up box,"
things will come to an end
210
00:10:08,417 --> 00:10:09,827
at the perfect time...
211
00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:12,210
whenever you want them to.
212
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,290
I'm gonna rock it tonight!
213
00:10:15,417 --> 00:10:16,997
Have you ever
felt this in your life?
214
00:10:17,875 --> 00:10:19,785
I'm taking you
on a journey, girl!
215
00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:22,205
[moaning]
216
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:25,207
Psych!
217
00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:26,962
Psych, you thought
I was done, didn't you?
218
00:10:27,042 --> 00:10:28,002
It ain't over.
219
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:30,170
[music playing]
220
00:10:31,958 --> 00:10:34,078
For real?
Not even close?
221
00:10:34,708 --> 00:10:37,378
Not even close.
222
00:10:37,458 --> 00:10:39,038
Hold on, now,
hang in there with me.
223
00:10:39,375 --> 00:10:40,745
How about that?
224
00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:41,713
Hey, can you read?
225
00:10:41,792 --> 00:10:43,422
Wrap it up.
226
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:45,040
You need to wrap it up!
227
00:10:45,125 --> 00:10:47,125
-Wrap it up!
-[moaning]
228
00:10:50,167 --> 00:10:51,327
That's a wrap!
229
00:10:51,958 --> 00:10:53,208
Woo!
230
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:59,080
"The wrap it up box,"
in stores now!
231
00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:00,787
Available at all Walbog's.
232
00:11:00,875 --> 00:11:02,575
♪ Stop skipping your
remedial class ♪
233
00:11:02,667 --> 00:11:04,167
♪ It's the finals
You're gonna need it to pass ♪
234
00:11:04,250 --> 00:11:06,460
♪ And you don't need these big
Brooklyn feet in your ass ♪
235
00:11:06,542 --> 00:11:08,002
♪ So keep my name
Out your mouth ♪
236
00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:09,423
♪ And your mind on your task ♪
237
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,040
♪ And if you think that I'm
Talking about you ♪
238
00:11:11,125 --> 00:11:12,035
♪ In these bars ♪
239
00:11:12,125 --> 00:11:13,745
♪ If the shoe fits
shut the fuck up ♪
240
00:11:13,833 --> 00:11:14,753
♪ And walk it off ♪
241
00:11:14,833 --> 00:11:15,583
♪ It's Brooklyn ♪
242
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:20,328
♪
243
00:11:20,417 --> 00:11:22,287
[cheering]
244
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:26,207
Yeah, yes.
245
00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:29,497
Hey, welcome back, gang.
246
00:11:31,792 --> 00:11:33,002
Yes, welcome back.
247
00:11:33,083 --> 00:11:35,133
Now, I don't know how many of
you guys are from my generation;
248
00:11:35,208 --> 00:11:38,748
The Pepsi generation,
generation X, they called us.
249
00:11:39,208 --> 00:11:41,168
I refer to us
as the Reagan babies.
250
00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:45,205
Anyone who grew up around Reagan
had drug-awareness week, right?
251
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,130
Now, I don't know if
you guys know at home
252
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,168
what drug-awareness week is.
253
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:54,330
That is a week of drug education
for children in schools.
254
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:56,330
And at the end of the week,
255
00:11:56,417 --> 00:11:59,077
to really drive
the point home to the youth,
256
00:11:59,708 --> 00:12:01,918
they always have a real,
live crackhead
257
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,170
come talk to the kids.
258
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,172
I know that was
the case at my school.
259
00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:11,460
and tonight, we have a tape
of just such an event.
260
00:12:11,542 --> 00:12:13,672
Please enjoy.
261
00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:16,580
♪ He's been away for a whileBut he's back around ♪
262
00:12:16,667 --> 00:12:18,037
Y'all tell anybody,
I'll kill you!
263
00:12:18,125 --> 00:12:19,745
I'll kill you!
264
00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:21,753
♪ The goofiest crackheadin the town ♪
265
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:24,458
Peanut butter
and crack sandwich!
266
00:12:24,542 --> 00:12:26,792
♪ He kicked his habitback in the joint ♪
267
00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:28,625
Look out, crack, here I come!
268
00:12:28,708 --> 00:12:30,248
[crashing]
269
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,633
♪ He's finally homehe's Tyrone ♪
270
00:12:34,583 --> 00:12:37,173
[narrator] This week, Tyrone
visits a local middle school
271
00:12:37,333 --> 00:12:39,043
to promote drug awareness.
272
00:12:39,542 --> 00:12:42,502
We have a very
special surprise today.
273
00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:46,423
Let's hear it for
Tyrone Biggums!
274
00:12:46,500 --> 00:12:48,790
[applauding]
275
00:12:49,583 --> 00:12:51,043
Hi, kids!
276
00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,040
Thank you very much, teacher!
277
00:12:57,042 --> 00:13:00,632
It is truly an honor
and a privilege
278
00:13:01,167 --> 00:13:04,917
for me to be here
at Pinehurst school,
279
00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:09,083
or whatever your
school is called today.
280
00:13:09,167 --> 00:13:10,377
I say it's a privilege,
281
00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:13,958
because it's a violation of my
parole to be around children.
282
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,040
but enough about that.
283
00:13:16,958 --> 00:13:19,378
Hello, little boys
and little girls.
284
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:23,040
Mm, mm, mm.
285
00:13:23,417 --> 00:13:26,747
Kids, y'all are looking
at a dead man.
286
00:13:27,417 --> 00:13:30,207
I should not be
in front of you today!
287
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:36,833
Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life.
288
00:13:38,208 --> 00:13:41,788
I started doing drugs when I was
little, just like you, fellow.
289
00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:43,787
Me and my friends would go home
290
00:13:43,875 --> 00:13:46,075
and smoke marijuana
after school.
291
00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,037
Can you say marijuana?
292
00:13:48,125 --> 00:13:50,245
[all the children] Marijuana.
293
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:52,003
That's what I was smoking.
294
00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:54,003
Sometimes, dipped
in embalming fluid.
295
00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,753
And me and my friends would
laugh and giggle
296
00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,133
and eat all the cookies!
297
00:13:58,208 --> 00:13:59,458
It was terrible.
298
00:13:59,792 --> 00:14:01,082
Terrible.
299
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:02,417
I can definitely say,
300
00:14:02,500 --> 00:14:05,330
he was the absolute
worst anti-drug speaker
301
00:14:06,250 --> 00:14:07,790
in the history of drugs.
302
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:11,290
Then I upgraded to
a little drug called acid--
303
00:14:11,625 --> 00:14:13,995
Very inexpensive and affordable.
304
00:14:14,083 --> 00:14:16,963
Even young children could
afford it, it's so bad.
305
00:14:17,167 --> 00:14:21,667
I did two hits of that
and Bugs Bunny and Scooby-Doo
306
00:14:21,750 --> 00:14:24,920
and all my favorite cartoon
heroes came to my room
307
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,750
and ate cookies with me
and sang songs for 16 hours.
308
00:14:29,833 --> 00:14:32,043
God damn, talking about--
309
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,960
♪ Tyrone go clean up your room ♪
310
00:14:39,083 --> 00:14:40,753
And Mickey Mouse was
doing the bass line like this,
311
00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:45,043
♪ Ba ba ba boo,
Ba ba ba boo ♪
312
00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:49,125
And then, he basically told them
313
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:51,168
where and how to buy the stuff.
314
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,880
We all know we can sneak into
our mama's room
315
00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:55,455
when she's sleeping,
316
00:14:55,542 --> 00:14:58,002
and take $5, $10,
maybe $20 out her purse,
317
00:14:58,417 --> 00:15:00,627
run on down to third street,
catch the "D" bus downtown,
318
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:03,668
and meet a Latin American
fellow named Martinez--
319
00:15:03,750 --> 00:15:04,830
We know that!
320
00:15:05,458 --> 00:15:09,168
and we know that Martinez'
stuff is the bomb!
321
00:15:09,333 --> 00:15:12,923
Kids, drugs is all around you.
322
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,380
How will I know when drugs
around, you might be asking.
323
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,787
Well, I'll tell you, use your
magic markers.
324
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:21,955
What you think this is,
some kind of crayon?
325
00:15:22,042 --> 00:15:23,172
No.
326
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,250
Take that cap off and sniff it
and you be high.
327
00:15:26,792 --> 00:15:30,082
And these little ones
are 10 and 11 years old.
328
00:15:30,958 --> 00:15:31,878
You!
329
00:15:32,375 --> 00:15:34,165
You know what dog food
tastes like?
330
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,080
Do you?
331
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:37,540
It tastes just like it smells...
332
00:15:38,958 --> 00:15:40,168
Delicious!
333
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,040
I'm gonna show you how
I go to the bathroom.
334
00:15:45,792 --> 00:15:47,422
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
335
00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:48,460
Ha!
336
00:15:48,542 --> 00:15:50,082
[farting]
337
00:15:51,750 --> 00:15:53,540
I thought the worst was over.
338
00:15:54,208 --> 00:15:55,538
I was mistaken.
339
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:59,042
That, children,
was the first time
340
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,035
I sucked a dick for crack.
341
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:03,040
But it wouldn't be the last.
342
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,130
Why, one time, I seen Martinez--
343
00:16:05,208 --> 00:16:07,828
I'm trying to say something.
344
00:16:07,917 --> 00:16:11,327
Thank you for that lovely
and moving and graphic story.
345
00:16:11,417 --> 00:16:13,077
You're welcome, teacher bitch!
346
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:15,830
I'm not finished,
but that's all right.
347
00:16:16,042 --> 00:16:18,382
Um, can I get cash for this?
348
00:16:18,458 --> 00:16:19,958
I got some errands to run,
349
00:16:20,042 --> 00:16:22,132
and I don't think
I'm gonna make the bank.
350
00:16:22,208 --> 00:16:23,208
Um, uh, uh--
351
00:16:23,042 --> 00:16:24,582
It's my money, bitch!
352
00:16:24,667 --> 00:16:25,747
I earned it!
353
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,423
Give me my speaker's fee!
354
00:16:28,625 --> 00:16:30,455
Thank you, kids!
Goodbye!
355
00:16:33,750 --> 00:16:35,880
♪ He's been away for awhile
But he's back around ♪
356
00:16:35,958 --> 00:16:37,998
♪ The goofiest crackhead
in the town ♪
357
00:16:38,083 --> 00:16:40,333
♪ He kicked his habit
back in the joint ♪
358
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:42,037
♪ Now he's back on point ♪
359
00:16:42,125 --> 00:16:44,705
♪ He's finally home
he's Tyrone ♪
360
00:16:45,208 --> 00:16:47,208
[cheering]
361
00:16:49,333 --> 00:16:50,423
Oh, my gosh.
362
00:16:51,167 --> 00:16:53,327
Just so a lot of you know,
that's not real doo-doo.
363
00:16:53,417 --> 00:16:54,877
I don't want to
upset you.
364
00:16:56,417 --> 00:16:59,077
It was a Snickers bar,
we melted it.
365
00:16:59,917 --> 00:17:02,207
The funny thing was,
the dude that does the props
366
00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:05,002
was melting the snickers bar
for the sketch--
367
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:06,543
It's candy, you know,
he's melting it.
368
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:09,075
But I caught him like he was
doing a thing, he was like...
369
00:17:13,250 --> 00:17:15,290
all right, look, we're gonna
take a quick commercial break,
370
00:17:15,375 --> 00:17:16,575
but don't go nowhere,
371
00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:19,127
because we've got Mos Def
when we come back, man.
372
00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:20,328
The Mighty Mos!
373
00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:22,327
Stick around for more
Chappelle's Show.
374
00:17:27,333 --> 00:17:28,923
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
375
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,080
♪ Better not bring your kids ♪
376
00:17:32,417 --> 00:17:33,747
Hey, gang, welcome back.
377
00:17:36,292 --> 00:17:37,792
Welcome back, man.
378
00:17:37,875 --> 00:17:39,625
We are hanging in here,
having some fun.
379
00:17:39,708 --> 00:17:42,038
Please make some noise
for my brother, Mos Def!
380
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:44,923
[cheering]
381
00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:48,035
♪ Pull up to your spot on low ♪
382
00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:50,535
♪ Shine brighter than allOf the cats that got on glow ♪
383
00:17:50,625 --> 00:17:52,955
♪ Lay in the cut like they'reNot gonna know ♪
384
00:17:53,042 --> 00:17:54,132
♪ 'Cause ifI gotta make a move dog ♪
385
00:17:54,208 --> 00:17:55,668
♪ They're not gonna know ♪
386
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:57,880
♪ This door marked privateThis is not for show ♪
387
00:17:57,958 --> 00:18:00,128
♪ It's Mos DefWhat you call real for sure ♪
388
00:18:00,208 --> 00:18:02,498
♪ Is they what you call gangsterHell no ♪
389
00:18:02,583 --> 00:18:05,083
♪ They get a little pinchAnd go snitch to the Po' ♪
390
00:18:05,167 --> 00:18:07,377
♪ They all talk fast butThey all think slow ♪
391
00:18:07,458 --> 00:18:09,878
♪ I'm most definitenot think so ♪
392
00:18:09,958 --> 00:18:12,078
♪ Flood your city withThe black ink flow ♪
393
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:14,497
♪ And my crew ain'tScared to let them things go ♪
394
00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:16,003
♪ So stop with the nonsense ♪
395
00:18:16,083 --> 00:18:17,383
♪ Like he conscious ♪
396
00:18:17,458 --> 00:18:19,878
♪ I'm just awake dogI'm doing great dog ♪
397
00:18:19,958 --> 00:18:22,128
♪ I don't play games I don'tPlayer hate y'all ♪
398
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,578
♪ Get it straight or getThe fuck up out my face dog ♪
399
00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:26,997
♪ I'm like the second plane thatMade the towers face off ♪
400
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:28,213
♪ This shit will let you know ♪
401
00:18:28,292 --> 00:18:29,672
♪ It's really not a game dog ♪
402
00:18:29,750 --> 00:18:32,040
♪ Your grind and myGrind ain't the same dog ♪
403
00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:34,245
♪ I'm the catalog youthe same song ♪
404
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:36,963
♪ So cool and old schoollike a-4 ♪
405
00:18:37,042 --> 00:18:39,132
♪ Doing the little mommiesWinding up their waist for ♪
406
00:18:39,208 --> 00:18:41,458
♪ The one that real niggas gotTheir hand raised for ♪
407
00:18:41,542 --> 00:18:44,002
♪ Me and D. ChappelleGot it yellow taped off ♪
408
00:18:44,083 --> 00:18:46,503
♪ Don't push me'cause I'm close ♪
409
00:18:46,583 --> 00:18:47,963
♪ To the streets to the beats ♪
410
00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:49,712
♪ The bitches the niggasThe women the children ♪
411
00:18:49,792 --> 00:18:51,832
♪ The workers the dealersThe addicts the killers ♪
412
00:18:51,917 --> 00:18:54,037
♪ The quiet the livestThe realest and that's close ♪
413
00:18:54,125 --> 00:18:56,035
♪ Don't push me 'causeI'm close ♪
414
00:18:56,125 --> 00:18:57,995
♪ To the edge back middleand front ♪
415
00:18:58,083 --> 00:18:59,583
♪ Strong back shitlifting it up ♪
416
00:18:59,667 --> 00:19:01,207
♪ From the big and the small ♪
417
00:19:01,292 --> 00:19:02,962
♪ I'm like J. BrownGetting involved ♪
418
00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:05,252
♪ And when I'm letting off aRound don't get in the cross ♪
419
00:19:05,333 --> 00:19:07,583
♪ Have your preacher man talkingLow getting his cross ♪
420
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:10,127
♪ Tell the wild card boyNot to get off their horse ♪
421
00:19:10,208 --> 00:19:12,628
♪ Before they find out the townLaw is strictly enforced ♪
422
00:19:12,708 --> 00:19:15,128
♪ It's a real bad way toGet your name in the source ♪
423
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:16,828
♪ Test the limitsof a dangerous force ♪
424
00:19:16,917 --> 00:19:18,707
♪ You ended up dumbfamous and gone ♪
425
00:19:18,792 --> 00:19:20,292
♪ Your people shouting outYour name in their song ♪
426
00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:22,415
♪ Pouring liquor on the dayyou was born ♪
427
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,080
♪ Buying paint to put yourFace on the wall ♪
428
00:19:24,167 --> 00:19:25,287
♪ Come on fall back ♪
429
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,705
♪ It's no need for all thatIt's all good ♪
430
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,132
♪ We all here going all out ♪
431
00:19:30,208 --> 00:19:32,288
♪ All live all day listenWhen the song say ♪
432
00:19:32,375 --> 00:19:34,745
♪ Don't push me'cause I'm close ♪
433
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:36,753
♪ To the streets to the beats ♪
434
00:19:36,833 --> 00:19:38,083
♪ The bitches the niggasThe women the children ♪
435
00:19:38,167 --> 00:19:40,207
♪ The workers the killersThe addicts the dealers ♪
436
00:19:40,292 --> 00:19:42,132
♪ The quiet the livestThe realest and that's close ♪
437
00:19:42,208 --> 00:19:44,288
♪ Don't push me'cause I'm close ♪
438
00:19:44,375 --> 00:19:46,285
♪ To the edge back,middle and front ♪
439
00:19:46,375 --> 00:19:48,285
♪ Strong back shitlifting it up ♪
440
00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:49,575
♪ From the big and the small ♪
441
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:51,207
♪ I'm like J. Browngetting involved ♪
442
00:19:51,292 --> 00:19:52,672
♪ Now get yours ♪
443
00:19:52,750 --> 00:19:54,710
♪ Bang it bang it boom bang,Diggy boom boom ♪
444
00:19:54,792 --> 00:19:56,422
♪ Bang it bang itBoom bang diggy boom ♪
445
00:19:56,500 --> 00:19:58,080
My man, Meek, hooked this up.
446
00:19:58,167 --> 00:19:59,327
Yeah.
447
00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:00,707
It's the bomb.It's pretty hot, right?
448
00:20:00,792 --> 00:20:02,332
Yeah.Now get close.
449
00:20:02,417 --> 00:20:05,877
♪ Bang it bang it boomBang diggy boom boom ♪
450
00:20:05,958 --> 00:20:07,128
Good.
451
00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:08,963
Yeah.
452
00:20:09,042 --> 00:20:09,922
Yeah, right?
453
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,580
-Yeah, Mos Def.
-[applause]
454
00:20:15,125 --> 00:20:16,455
Mos Def.
455
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:20,670
I'd like to thank my guests,
Mos Def, Guillermo Diaz,
456
00:20:20,750 --> 00:20:22,830
everybody that
helped me out this week.
457
00:20:22,917 --> 00:20:23,997
I gotta say that he--
458
00:20:24,083 --> 00:20:25,383
Yo, Chappelle!
459
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:26,918
Yo, wrap it up, "B"!
460
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:28,540
That's it,
you're done, man!
461
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,665
Wrap it up, "B"!
462
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:32,963
You're done, wrap it up!
Right.
463
00:20:33,792 --> 00:20:34,962
We'll see you next week!
464
00:20:35,042 --> 00:20:38,042
[cheers and applause]
465
00:20:46,375 --> 00:20:47,875
I'm rich, biatch!
466
00:20:47,958 --> 00:20:48,878
[horn honking]
467
00:20:48,958 --> 00:20:50,128
Hi, thank you!
468
00:20:57,042 --> 00:20:58,672
Peanut butter
and crack sandwich!
469
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,040
Oh!
Get out the way!
470
00:21:05,875 --> 00:21:06,665
Go on, go on!
471
00:21:07,042 --> 00:21:08,172
Ow!
472
00:21:08,042 --> 00:21:09,252
[Dave Chappelle]
Lick your fingers.
473
00:21:16,458 --> 00:21:17,458
Crack!
474
00:21:19,375 --> 00:21:23,125
Drugs and alcohol
have ruined my life!
475
00:21:23,175 --> 00:21:27,725
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
36250
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
