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NORA: You know, these online races
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00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:09,034
can sometimes be a little tricky.
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00:00:09,137 --> 00:00:15,032
But I love creaming these
international dudes one by one.
4
00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:16,436
Sweden? Beat 'em off.
5
00:00:16,539 --> 00:00:18,057
Morocco? Beat 'em off.
6
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:19,505
I beat off all of 'em.
7
00:00:19,608 --> 00:00:21,022
What did you just say just now?
8
00:00:21,126 --> 00:00:23,574
Well, some of these dudes,
their technique is basically
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00:00:23,677 --> 00:00:25,022
superior fingering.
10
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:28,195
They finger pretty hard and
they've developed it over years.
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00:00:28,298 --> 00:00:30,091
But I finger hard as well.
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00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:33,195
I come first because
my fingering's the best.
13
00:00:33,298 --> 00:00:35,401
Keep talking about beating off
international dudes one by one.
14
00:00:35,505 --> 00:00:37,160
The chat is going crazy right now.
15
00:00:37,264 --> 00:00:38,470
NORA: Well, it's the fingering.
16
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The Japanese guys,
they're very good at fingering.
17
00:00:39,919 --> 00:00:41,505
Let me adjust a little bit here.
18
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:42,746
You're a little off center.
19
00:00:42,850 --> 00:00:44,126
You gotta do the thumb diddle.
20
00:00:44,229 --> 00:00:47,057
Not the thumb war diddle,
but rather the Tetris diddle,
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00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:48,057
if you know what I mean.
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00:00:48,160 --> 00:00:51,401
Oh! Oh! Wait, oh! Oh, no.
23
00:00:51,505 --> 00:00:52,850
Can everyone see that?
It's on my camel toe.
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00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:54,160
WALLY: What the fuck is
going on in this house?
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00:00:54,264 --> 00:00:55,298
The WiFi is so slow.
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00:00:55,401 --> 00:00:56,574
I'm trying to get some work done.
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00:00:56,677 --> 00:00:59,332
Holy mother of hell! What is that?
28
00:00:59,436 --> 00:01:00,850
We're streaming to the internet.
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00:01:00,953 --> 00:01:02,712
You're streaming your
vagina to the whole internet?
30
00:01:02,815 --> 00:01:04,712
Doug, can you turn
off the screen, please?
31
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:05,815
I think it's frozen.
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00:01:05,919 --> 00:01:07,850
Jesus. What is with you kids?
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00:01:07,953 --> 00:01:09,470
Whatever happened to living your life?
34
00:01:09,574 --> 00:01:11,815
You're on the computer all the time.
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00:01:11,919 --> 00:01:14,574
And now you're streaming your
llama foot to total strangers?
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00:01:14,677 --> 00:01:16,264
- Strangers with tips.
- Strangers with tips?
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00:01:16,367 --> 00:01:18,988
I am in a cream fest with
all these international dudes
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00:01:19,091 --> 00:01:20,229
and I was coming!
39
00:01:20,332 --> 00:01:21,539
Doug, can you get that off the TV?
40
00:01:21,643 --> 00:01:22,643
Please, turn the channel.
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00:01:22,746 --> 00:01:24,160
[overlapping voices]
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00:01:24,264 --> 00:01:25,643
This is your home!
43
00:01:25,746 --> 00:01:28,022
- Get the remotes, Doug!
- What brand is this?
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00:01:28,126 --> 00:01:29,195
NORA: [screams]
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00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:30,919
WALLY: Oh, thank freakin' God.
46
00:01:31,022 --> 00:01:35,505
♪
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00:01:37,332 --> 00:01:38,574
♪♪
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00:01:41,332 --> 00:01:43,436
NORA: I don't know, it's
kind of spooky, Grandma.
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00:01:43,539 --> 00:01:45,229
It's like colonial times.
50
00:01:45,332 --> 00:01:47,195
Do you think we'll have
to pee-pee in a basin?
51
00:01:47,298 --> 00:01:49,126
Nora, the toilet still works.
52
00:01:49,229 --> 00:01:51,953
What if we run out of food,
and resources, and water?
53
00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:54,884
And we have to resort to incest?
Like in "The Shining"?
54
00:01:54,988 --> 00:01:57,298
- You mean cannibalism.
- Cannibalism, sorry.
55
00:01:57,401 --> 00:01:59,677
Nora, relax. I love blackouts.
56
00:01:59,781 --> 00:02:02,367
It's like camping in your home.
57
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:04,988
Whoa. It makes me miss camping.
58
00:02:05,091 --> 00:02:07,884
- You used to go camping?
- Oh, yeah.
59
00:02:07,988 --> 00:02:10,884
We used to bring the whole
family up to Toronto to buy
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00:02:10,988 --> 00:02:14,677
illegal Chinese goods, like,
uh, the salted pressed ducks.
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00:02:14,781 --> 00:02:16,264
We put them behind the kids' back
62
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:17,746
and they pretend they're sleeping.
63
00:02:17,850 --> 00:02:19,160
Grandma, that's not camping.
64
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,988
[chuckles] I just need
to get a good signal.
65
00:02:22,091 --> 00:02:24,746
You're not. That TV
is, like, from 1974.
66
00:02:25,643 --> 00:02:26,988
The subways are all down.
67
00:02:27,091 --> 00:02:28,712
I might have to hang here for a bit.
68
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:32,539
- No worries, man.
- Make yourself at home.
69
00:02:32,643 --> 00:02:35,953
- Yeah, of course, Papa.
- I mean, Wally. I mean, me.
70
00:02:36,057 --> 00:02:37,367
- What?
- What?
71
00:02:37,470 --> 00:02:39,505
I'm just... I'm not real good
at hanging with cool dads,
72
00:02:39,608 --> 00:02:42,712
- you know?
- Mm.
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00:02:42,815 --> 00:02:46,057
Hey, you want a drink?
Ever had port tawny?
74
00:02:46,160 --> 00:02:49,401
- Oh, she loves sports.
- Toss the old pigskin around.
75
00:02:49,505 --> 00:02:50,677
This one here is a nice one.
76
00:02:50,781 --> 00:02:52,057
Oh, yeah, ports. I love ports.
77
00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:54,815
- Yeah, but see?
- We needed a good blackout.
78
00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:57,091
It's the perfect chance to unplug,
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00:02:57,195 --> 00:03:00,781
spend some time together,
stay off the computer.
80
00:03:00,884 --> 00:03:03,057
We can tell some stories.
81
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:07,126
Like, I bet you were wondering
about this picture, right?
82
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:08,677
I don't think he was
wondering about that.
83
00:03:08,781 --> 00:03:09,953
Uh, sure. Is that you?
84
00:03:10,057 --> 00:03:11,850
- WALLY: Yeah, that's me.
- [laughs]
85
00:03:11,953 --> 00:03:16,367
Growing up here in Queens.
Look at my face.
86
00:03:16,470 --> 00:03:18,712
Actually, you know, it was
super racist back in the day.
87
00:03:18,815 --> 00:03:20,919
Oh, here we go.
88
00:03:21,022 --> 00:03:22,539
I'm out.
89
00:03:22,643 --> 00:03:25,195
What? Grandma.
90
00:03:25,298 --> 00:03:28,850
- What you guys don't know...
- It was different back then.
91
00:03:28,953 --> 00:03:31,126
We were the only
Chinese family on the block.
92
00:03:31,229 --> 00:03:32,505
You'll never catch me!
93
00:03:32,608 --> 00:03:34,126
ADULT WALLY: But I made
friends with the boy next door.
94
00:03:34,229 --> 00:03:36,884
Stop! Put your hands up! Pew, pew!
95
00:03:36,988 --> 00:03:38,401
ADULT WALLY: He was my best friend.
96
00:03:38,505 --> 00:03:39,677
Ow, you got me!
97
00:03:39,781 --> 00:03:42,264
- ADULT WALLY: Until...
- Jimmy, get over here.
98
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:43,850
I was just playing with Wally.
99
00:03:43,953 --> 00:03:46,539
You know better than to play
with these Japanese traitors.
100
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:47,884
I'm not Japanese.
101
00:03:47,988 --> 00:03:49,919
Oh, get out of here. Now, go on!
102
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:51,608
Wait, hey, what's going on?
103
00:03:51,712 --> 00:03:54,919
- Wally, come back!
- I don't know.
104
00:03:55,022 --> 00:03:56,677
JIMMY'S MOM: He's just joshin' ya!
105
00:03:56,781 --> 00:03:58,677
You kids keep playing your game.
106
00:03:58,781 --> 00:04:00,264
JIMMY'S DAD: Glenda,
I'm not kiddin' around.
107
00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:01,919
I'm not kiddin' around, Glenda!
108
00:04:02,022 --> 00:04:03,574
JIMMY'S MOM: Do you hear yourself?
109
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:07,470
Everybody hears you.
You're embarrassing.
110
00:04:07,574 --> 00:04:08,712
Damn, Mr. Lin.
111
00:04:08,815 --> 00:04:10,815
That's like the first
half of "Gran Torino."
112
00:04:10,919 --> 00:04:12,884
That kind of shit
happened all the time.
113
00:04:14,608 --> 00:04:15,643
The kids in the neighborhood
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00:04:15,746 --> 00:04:17,160
used to play pick-up games
in the park.
115
00:04:17,264 --> 00:04:19,091
KIDS: Me, me, me!
116
00:04:19,195 --> 00:04:20,988
ADULT WALLY: But I never got picked.
117
00:04:21,091 --> 00:04:22,298
Robert.
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00:04:22,401 --> 00:04:23,712
- Michael S.
- Michael P.
119
00:04:23,815 --> 00:04:25,781
- Michael R.
- Mikey D.
120
00:04:25,884 --> 00:04:27,850
ADULT WALLY: It was brutal, waiting.
121
00:04:27,953 --> 00:04:29,746
I felt like everybody
got picked except me.
122
00:04:29,850 --> 00:04:31,539
Hey, I'm over here!
123
00:04:31,643 --> 00:04:33,608
ADULT WALLY: A kid with a broken arm.
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00:04:33,712 --> 00:04:34,919
This total nerd.
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00:04:35,022 --> 00:04:37,746
Seriously? That dorkus over me?
126
00:04:37,850 --> 00:04:39,539
ADULT WALLY: One kid
just wearing a suit.
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00:04:39,643 --> 00:04:40,608
You.
128
00:04:40,712 --> 00:04:41,712
ADULT WALLY: And this old man
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00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,126
that just happened
to be sitting there.
130
00:04:43,229 --> 00:04:45,746
Is that guy even
allowed to be around kids?
131
00:04:45,850 --> 00:04:48,884
ADULT WALLY: Finally,
I was the last one.
132
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:53,195
And it was one spot left.
They had to pick me, right?
133
00:04:53,298 --> 00:04:54,436
Cactus!
134
00:04:57,057 --> 00:04:59,160
- What the hell?
- That's a goddamn cactus!
135
00:04:59,264 --> 00:05:00,884
I was devastated.
136
00:05:00,988 --> 00:05:03,643
I had to just stand there behind
the fence and watch 'em play,
137
00:05:03,746 --> 00:05:05,298
having so much fun.
138
00:05:05,401 --> 00:05:07,850
Even worse, that fucking
cactus made a big catch.
139
00:05:07,953 --> 00:05:11,229
KIDS: Cactus! Cactus! Cactus!
140
00:05:11,332 --> 00:05:12,850
[cries]
141
00:05:12,953 --> 00:05:14,574
Are you crying?
142
00:05:14,677 --> 00:05:19,298
No. I'm just allergic to the sun.
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00:05:19,401 --> 00:05:20,608
[cries]
144
00:05:20,712 --> 00:05:22,229
ADULT WALLY: Anyway, the game went on.
145
00:05:22,332 --> 00:05:25,057
The kid in the suit, he had
to go to his uncle's funeral.
146
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:26,539
So the captain turns
to me and he says...
147
00:05:26,643 --> 00:05:28,057
Wally! You're up!
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00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,781
Me? Yes!
149
00:05:29,884 --> 00:05:31,470
ADULT WALLY: It was
my first at-bat ever.
150
00:05:31,574 --> 00:05:33,781
I was so excited.
151
00:05:33,884 --> 00:05:35,160
I got this.
152
00:05:35,264 --> 00:05:38,539
ADULT WALLY: And do
you know what I did?
153
00:05:38,643 --> 00:05:40,539
It's a home run!
154
00:05:40,643 --> 00:05:44,401
ALL: [cheering]
155
00:05:44,505 --> 00:05:47,988
Wally! Wally! Wally!
156
00:05:48,091 --> 00:05:51,574
Uh, no. That's not what happened.
157
00:05:51,677 --> 00:05:54,126
- Yeah, it is.
- Tell the truth, Wally!
158
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:57,332
- Shut up, Wally.
- No, you shut up!
159
00:05:57,436 --> 00:05:58,229
No, you shut up!
160
00:05:58,332 --> 00:05:59,436
NORA: What the hell's going on?
161
00:05:59,539 --> 00:06:00,781
ADULT WALLY: All right.
162
00:06:00,884 --> 00:06:03,332
The true story is I
stepped up to the plate and...
163
00:06:03,436 --> 00:06:05,712
[drumroll]
164
00:06:05,815 --> 00:06:07,332
[cymbals crash]
165
00:06:07,436 --> 00:06:08,850
ADULT WALLY: I was,
like, out cold for, like,
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00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:10,195
45 minutes.
167
00:06:10,298 --> 00:06:11,712
You know what? Fuck them kids.
168
00:06:11,815 --> 00:06:13,091
And fuck the cactus too.
169
00:06:13,195 --> 00:06:15,332
Probably be pretty painful
to fuck the cactus.
170
00:06:15,436 --> 00:06:16,298
Appreciate the sentiment.
171
00:06:16,401 --> 00:06:17,815
He didn't mean it like that, Dad.
172
00:06:17,919 --> 00:06:19,091
He meant, you know, like, screw them.
173
00:06:19,195 --> 00:06:20,298
I've gone through something similar.
174
00:06:20,401 --> 00:06:21,505
I guess not much has changed since.
175
00:06:21,608 --> 00:06:22,677
Mm.
176
00:06:22,781 --> 00:06:23,746
I've been the subject of bullying.
177
00:06:23,850 --> 00:06:25,298
There was this one instance...
178
00:06:25,401 --> 00:06:26,884
- Yeah?
- NORA: It was very bizarre.
179
00:06:26,988 --> 00:06:28,505
I haven't told anyone
this story, actually.
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00:06:28,608 --> 00:06:31,264
♪
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00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:32,884
♪ Hey
182
00:06:33,953 --> 00:06:36,022
Hey. Are you Korean?
183
00:06:36,126 --> 00:06:38,643
Um, yeah, on my Mom's side.
184
00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,126
- Come with me.
- Okay.
185
00:06:40,229 --> 00:06:42,229
DOUG: Wait, your voice
was that low back then?
186
00:06:42,332 --> 00:06:43,953
ADULT NORA: I was born
with a giant larynx.
187
00:06:44,057 --> 00:06:46,367
Hey, guys. Nora, right?
188
00:06:46,470 --> 00:06:48,815
Uh-huh.
189
00:06:48,919 --> 00:06:52,781
Well, this is what we
do to fellow Koreans.
190
00:06:52,884 --> 00:06:55,126
Wait, you're Korean too?
191
00:06:55,229 --> 00:06:57,022
[laughter]
192
00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:59,470
Why are you doing this?
193
00:06:59,574 --> 00:07:02,332
You're wasting food.
194
00:07:02,436 --> 00:07:03,574
Come on!
195
00:07:04,815 --> 00:07:05,712
Dude, what?
196
00:07:05,815 --> 00:07:07,126
That's just Freshman Friday.
197
00:07:07,229 --> 00:07:08,470
What?
198
00:07:08,574 --> 00:07:11,022
Yeah, that's something
Korean kids do at city schools.
199
00:07:11,126 --> 00:07:13,401
It's like hazing, a rite of passage.
200
00:07:13,505 --> 00:07:15,539
I just thought it was
Asian-on-Asian bullying.
201
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:17,919
No. I'll show you
Asian-on-Asian bullying.
202
00:07:18,022 --> 00:07:19,126
Where's your Lazy Susan?
203
00:07:19,229 --> 00:07:21,332
I know every Chinese
household has one.
204
00:07:21,436 --> 00:07:23,091
- All right.
- Oh, snot rockets.
205
00:07:23,195 --> 00:07:25,643
You guys get trajectory on
those things, like SpaceX.
206
00:07:25,746 --> 00:07:26,746
It's out of here.
207
00:07:26,850 --> 00:07:28,091
I mean, I'm digging the port tawny,
208
00:07:28,195 --> 00:07:30,850
but I know y'all got the Remy Martin.
209
00:07:30,953 --> 00:07:34,022
Every Chinese function
has Remy Martin.
210
00:07:34,126 --> 00:07:35,126
Not every function.
211
00:07:35,229 --> 00:07:37,815
Oh, and Chinese people
love bootlegging.
212
00:07:37,919 --> 00:07:40,367
- Is that a Sony or a Tony?
- Okay.
213
00:07:40,470 --> 00:07:42,815
GRANDMA: Korean people love alcohol
214
00:07:42,919 --> 00:07:44,919
and the United Colors of Benetton!
215
00:07:45,022 --> 00:07:47,436
- WALLY: Ma!
- Grandma, I am half Korean.
216
00:07:47,539 --> 00:07:48,505
We're reclaiming her.
217
00:07:48,608 --> 00:07:50,367
And double eyelid surgery!
218
00:07:55,505 --> 00:07:56,470
Almost. Come on.
219
00:07:58,195 --> 00:07:59,677
Hey, Princess, you want a drink?
220
00:07:59,781 --> 00:08:00,953
You're old enough.
221
00:08:01,057 --> 00:08:02,298
I can't drink. I get red.
222
00:08:02,401 --> 00:08:04,126
I get mean-spirited.
I throw up in my mouth.
223
00:08:04,229 --> 00:08:05,539
Got kicked out of Walgreens.
224
00:08:05,643 --> 00:08:07,022
Oh, that's why.
225
00:08:07,126 --> 00:08:11,229
But I will light one up,
if you'll let me do it inside.
226
00:08:11,332 --> 00:08:13,126
I'm not lookin', I don't see nothin'.
227
00:08:16,643 --> 00:08:17,988
- Dad?
- Yeah?
228
00:08:18,091 --> 00:08:20,712
No, no, no. You know
I never touch that stuff.
229
00:08:20,815 --> 00:08:23,470
- But why?
- Why?
230
00:08:23,574 --> 00:08:25,264
Because something really
bad happened to me
231
00:08:25,367 --> 00:08:28,091
the last time I smoked weed,
that's why.
232
00:08:28,195 --> 00:08:31,264
- What happened?
- Just something really bad.
233
00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:33,539
♪
234
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:35,195
You killed somebody for real?
235
00:08:35,298 --> 00:08:37,884
No, but I did die a little that day.
236
00:08:37,988 --> 00:08:40,022
Dad, what happened?
237
00:08:40,126 --> 00:08:43,884
I never told anybody
about this before.
238
00:08:43,988 --> 00:08:46,160
I was in college.
239
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:49,539
My roommate, Mark, he was, like,
the coolest dude I'd ever met.
240
00:08:49,643 --> 00:08:51,057
DOUG: That dude? Seriously?
241
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:52,781
WALLY: Yeah, obviously.
242
00:08:52,884 --> 00:08:54,195
Anyway, we're going to a concert,
243
00:08:54,298 --> 00:08:56,746
and he offered me some Mary Jane.
244
00:08:56,850 --> 00:08:59,160
- Hey, hey, hey, my man!
- What's up, Mark?
245
00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:00,712
You wanna smoke a doobie before
246
00:09:00,815 --> 00:09:02,091
the Doobie Brothers cover concert?
247
00:09:02,195 --> 00:09:04,264
No, I don't think so.
248
00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:06,781
MARK: It's straight from Nicaragua!
249
00:09:06,884 --> 00:09:09,298
What does that mean? It's good?
250
00:09:09,401 --> 00:09:11,677
It's how you get your
chill vibes, cool cat.
251
00:09:14,436 --> 00:09:15,608
Yeah?
252
00:09:15,712 --> 00:09:21,057
♪
253
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,643
ADULT WALLY: And I did it.
254
00:09:23,712 --> 00:09:24,919
[coughs]
255
00:09:25,022 --> 00:09:26,057
MARK: [laughs]
256
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,436
ADULT WALLY: It was a huge mistake.
257
00:09:28,539 --> 00:09:30,643
And I paid for it
that day at the concert, man.
258
00:09:30,746 --> 00:09:32,712
[applause]
259
00:09:32,815 --> 00:09:34,919
ADULT WALLY: I paid big time.
260
00:09:35,022 --> 00:09:39,022
- Ah, why are you standing up?
- I don't know.
261
00:09:39,126 --> 00:09:41,160
I got so high, I couldn't help
262
00:09:41,264 --> 00:09:43,815
but stand up for every song
that they played.
263
00:09:43,919 --> 00:09:46,505
[applause]
264
00:09:46,608 --> 00:09:49,643
- Hey, sit down, man.
- What are you doing?
265
00:09:49,746 --> 00:09:51,229
I can't help it.
266
00:09:51,332 --> 00:09:55,919
♪ Ah
267
00:09:56,022 --> 00:09:57,332
[applause]
268
00:09:57,436 --> 00:09:58,677
Yeah!
269
00:09:58,781 --> 00:09:59,988
Wally!
270
00:10:00,091 --> 00:10:01,919
Oh, come on, dude, sit down!
271
00:10:02,022 --> 00:10:05,229
Oh, Mark, I told ya I can't help it!
272
00:10:05,332 --> 00:10:08,539
It was one of the most
embarrassing moments of my life.
273
00:10:08,643 --> 00:10:10,539
[applause]
274
00:10:10,643 --> 00:10:11,953
Shit!
275
00:10:13,195 --> 00:10:14,677
Woo!
276
00:10:16,126 --> 00:10:18,436
You guys are the coolest cats!
277
00:10:18,539 --> 00:10:21,057
♪
278
00:10:26,264 --> 00:10:27,505
Yeah!
279
00:10:28,608 --> 00:10:35,022
♪
280
00:10:36,022 --> 00:10:37,091
NORA: Uh, that's it?
281
00:10:37,195 --> 00:10:39,298
You just stood up a bunch?
At a concert?
282
00:10:39,401 --> 00:10:41,505
And I haven't touched
that stuff since.
283
00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:48,574
All right, I got a story.
284
00:10:48,677 --> 00:10:51,539
Have I ever told y'all
the one about my boy Thad?
285
00:10:51,643 --> 00:10:53,264
No.
286
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:55,057
DOUG: So Thad was out one night...
287
00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:56,470
NORA: This is the
same dorm room as my dad's.
288
00:10:56,574 --> 00:10:58,367
- DOUG: No, this is a new spot.
- NORA: It's not.
289
00:10:58,470 --> 00:11:00,332
DOUG: All dorm rooms kind
of look the same anyways.
290
00:11:00,436 --> 00:11:01,436
Is that better?
291
00:11:01,539 --> 00:11:03,436
NORA: I know this is my dad's dorm.
292
00:11:03,539 --> 00:11:05,746
Cool. Can I be in the story too?
293
00:11:05,850 --> 00:11:07,746
- DOUG: No, get out of here.
- NORA: No, come on, Dad.
294
00:11:07,850 --> 00:11:09,229
Let him do it.
295
00:11:09,332 --> 00:11:11,057
DOUG: Anyways, Thad brings
this girl home and man,
296
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,746
is she a 10 out of 10.
297
00:11:12,850 --> 00:11:16,539
Dime piece, Michelin rated,
98% on Rotten Tomatoes.
298
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:17,677
Okay, we get it.
299
00:11:17,781 --> 00:11:18,677
DOUG: So she's like...
300
00:11:18,781 --> 00:11:20,091
Do you mind if I eat this burrito?
301
00:11:20,195 --> 00:11:21,505
- And Thad was like...
- Smells great.
302
00:11:21,608 --> 00:11:22,850
Is that achiote chicken?
303
00:11:22,953 --> 00:11:26,677
It's actually barbacoa with
extra jap-a-leño peppers.
304
00:11:26,781 --> 00:11:27,746
Do you like anal?
305
00:11:27,850 --> 00:11:29,643
Uhhhh...
306
00:11:29,746 --> 00:11:31,539
- [stomach rumbles, farts]
- Where's your bathroom?
307
00:11:31,643 --> 00:11:32,988
NORA: Doug, what kind
of story is this?
308
00:11:33,091 --> 00:11:34,470
- It's not even about you.
- Well, long story short,
309
00:11:34,574 --> 00:11:36,505
he got a jalapeño seed
in his pee pee hole.
310
00:11:36,608 --> 00:11:37,539
NORA AND WALLY: Ow!
311
00:11:37,643 --> 00:11:40,264
I can't get a signal on my black box.
312
00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:42,367
I'm gonna try upstairs.
313
00:11:42,470 --> 00:11:45,677
Anyway, thank you, Doug, for
that fully disgusting story
314
00:11:45,781 --> 00:11:46,988
that no one asked for.
315
00:11:47,091 --> 00:11:48,643
What? You got one better
than spicy dick?
316
00:11:48,746 --> 00:11:52,367
A thumb could tell a
better story than spicy dick!
317
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:54,815
At least I was in my stories.
318
00:11:54,919 --> 00:11:56,539
Got a couple of R.L. Stine's here.
319
00:11:56,643 --> 00:11:57,574
I got a weird one.
320
00:11:57,677 --> 00:12:00,401
Oh yeah? Wait. How weird?
321
00:12:00,505 --> 00:12:01,953
Weird.
322
00:12:02,057 --> 00:12:03,298
In high school, I became friends
323
00:12:03,401 --> 00:12:05,539
with these two kind of bitchy girls.
324
00:12:05,643 --> 00:12:06,436
That was so good!
325
00:12:06,539 --> 00:12:08,643
That was so mean. He cried.
326
00:12:08,746 --> 00:12:10,815
Yeah, but that's so funny.
327
00:12:10,919 --> 00:12:15,746
ADULT NORA: We prank called
takeouts and 911, mortuaries.
328
00:12:15,850 --> 00:12:19,850
I dare you to prank
329
00:12:19,953 --> 00:12:22,746
a phone sex hotline.
330
00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:25,367
- A phone sex hotline?
- Yeah.
331
00:12:25,470 --> 00:12:28,574
I thought that was
for people 18 or older.
332
00:12:28,677 --> 00:12:29,815
Doesn't that cost money?
333
00:12:29,919 --> 00:12:31,470
No, not at all.
334
00:12:31,574 --> 00:12:33,264
- No?
- No.
335
00:12:33,367 --> 00:12:35,919
Okay, yeah. Oh yeah, I'll do it.
336
00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,298
- [dials]
- Yeah.
337
00:12:38,401 --> 00:12:42,022
- [phone rings]
- WILMA: Well, hello.
338
00:12:42,126 --> 00:12:44,126
Welcome to Warm the Bed with Wilma.
339
00:12:44,229 --> 00:12:46,884
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
340
00:12:46,988 --> 00:12:48,539
WILMA: Oh, say that again, stud.
341
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:49,436
[giggling]
342
00:12:49,539 --> 00:12:51,470
Is your refrigerator running?
343
00:12:51,574 --> 00:12:53,643
WILMA: Are you
prank-calling me right now?
344
00:12:53,746 --> 00:12:56,057
No.
345
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,781
WILMA: Take me off speaker for a sec.
346
00:12:58,884 --> 00:13:00,195
[giggles]
347
00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:03,677
WILMA: Now, look, kid.
348
00:13:03,781 --> 00:13:05,091
You're not my first prank caller.
349
00:13:05,195 --> 00:13:07,126
But, I don't know, I can hear
from your voice your friends
350
00:13:07,229 --> 00:13:09,815
kind of forced you to
do this, and that's okay.
351
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,367
I'll take care of it.
Just put me back on speaker.
352
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:17,367
You asked if my
refrigerator is running?
353
00:13:17,470 --> 00:13:19,367
- Yeah.
- WILMA: It is.
354
00:13:19,470 --> 00:13:21,953
ALL: Well, you better go and catch it!
355
00:13:22,057 --> 00:13:23,332
[laughs]
356
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:24,781
WILMA: Do you think this is funny,
357
00:13:24,884 --> 00:13:26,643
you little pieces of shit?
358
00:13:26,746 --> 00:13:29,470
- She said shit!
- You're a piece of shit.
359
00:13:29,574 --> 00:13:30,781
[laughter]
360
00:13:30,884 --> 00:13:31,988
That's so good, Nora.
361
00:13:32,091 --> 00:13:33,884
ADULT NORA: No one ever
had my back like that.
362
00:13:33,988 --> 00:13:35,574
Wait, how much a minute was this?
363
00:13:35,677 --> 00:13:38,022
Not a lot. Like, $30 a minute.
364
00:13:38,126 --> 00:13:39,195
What?
365
00:13:39,298 --> 00:13:40,884
We'd only talk in 4-hour increments.
366
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,298
Jesus Christ!
367
00:13:42,401 --> 00:13:45,195
I mean... that explains the
phone bill that I have not yet
368
00:13:45,298 --> 00:13:46,781
financially recovered from.
369
00:13:46,884 --> 00:13:49,677
Dad, is this story
night or guilt night?
370
00:13:49,781 --> 00:13:51,298
Anyway, I called her back.
371
00:13:51,401 --> 00:13:52,781
You got her home number, right?
372
00:13:52,884 --> 00:13:54,539
No, just still on hotline.
373
00:13:54,643 --> 00:13:57,677
Holy shit, do I look
like Con Edison to you?
374
00:13:57,781 --> 00:13:58,850
NORA: I let you finish.
375
00:13:58,953 --> 00:14:00,850
I even let Doug kind
of finish the Thad one!
376
00:14:00,953 --> 00:14:02,126
Sorry.
377
00:14:02,229 --> 00:14:04,608
We ended up getting pretty close.
378
00:14:04,712 --> 00:14:08,781
Is it normal for my period
to last 11 or more days?
379
00:14:08,884 --> 00:14:10,712
And, do you think you
could lose your virginity
380
00:14:10,815 --> 00:14:14,470
to a super plus tampon?
Because they're humongous.
381
00:14:14,574 --> 00:14:17,160
- WILMA: Nora, don't stress.
- Just make sure you eat well
382
00:14:17,264 --> 00:14:19,229
and keep hydrated during your period.
383
00:14:19,332 --> 00:14:21,436
And no, a tampon shouldn't.
384
00:14:21,539 --> 00:14:24,332
But here's a fun tip: when peeing,
385
00:14:24,436 --> 00:14:26,953
go ahead and pull that
string towards your butthole.
386
00:14:27,057 --> 00:14:28,953
Not too hard so it slips out.
387
00:14:29,057 --> 00:14:32,919
- Oh man, that's genius.
- I hadn't even thought of that.
388
00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:35,436
Puberty sucks, Wilma.
389
00:14:35,539 --> 00:14:37,781
Like, my friends make fun of
me 'cuz I don't shave my legs.
390
00:14:37,884 --> 00:14:41,470
My gym teacher had mentioned
that if... if... when you do start
391
00:14:41,574 --> 00:14:44,712
shaving your legs super young,
they grow back real coarse like
392
00:14:44,815 --> 00:14:47,505
Tom Selleck's butthole hair, you know?
393
00:14:47,608 --> 00:14:50,643
WILMA: You don't need to
shave if you don't wanna shave!
394
00:14:50,746 --> 00:14:52,988
I know a lot of guys who
like natural beauties anyway.
395
00:14:53,091 --> 00:14:54,367
Do you not shave?
396
00:14:54,470 --> 00:14:56,229
WILMA: Oh, no, my vagina's
balder than an eagle.
397
00:14:56,332 --> 00:14:58,470
Looks like Stone Cold
Steve Austin's foreskin.
398
00:14:58,574 --> 00:15:00,677
Oh, cool. I love him.
399
00:15:00,781 --> 00:15:02,264
Um, happy holidays.
400
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:04,298
WILMA: Happy holidays to you, honey.
401
00:15:04,401 --> 00:15:07,229
- I love you, Wilma.
- WILMA: I love you too, Nora.
402
00:15:07,332 --> 00:15:09,126
Don't forget to yank that tampon out.
403
00:15:09,229 --> 00:15:10,470
It's been, like, six hours.
404
00:15:10,574 --> 00:15:12,022
Oh yeah. No, I won't.
405
00:15:12,126 --> 00:15:13,643
- WILMA: Bye, baby.
- Bye.
406
00:15:15,781 --> 00:15:17,953
So you talked to a total
stranger about your period?
407
00:15:18,057 --> 00:15:20,884
Sounds like you were having an
affair with a phone sex operator
408
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,332
while you were in high school.
409
00:15:22,436 --> 00:15:23,781
You a G, Nora. That's some good shit.
410
00:15:23,884 --> 00:15:25,746
No, it wasn't sexual, like, at all.
411
00:15:25,850 --> 00:15:26,953
Yeah, right.
412
00:15:27,057 --> 00:15:29,264
It wasn't sexual talking
to a phone sex operator?
413
00:15:29,367 --> 00:15:31,332
- Every day?
- Every day.
414
00:15:31,436 --> 00:15:32,919
It wasn't sexual, Doug.
415
00:15:33,022 --> 00:15:34,264
Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.
416
00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:37,539
I just wanted a mom!
417
00:15:37,643 --> 00:15:39,988
- GRANDMA: Hey!
- I finally got a signal!
418
00:15:40,091 --> 00:15:44,298
It's snowy, but
I got the Spice Channel! Ha, ha!
419
00:15:44,401 --> 00:15:45,884
Okay, it's time for me to go.
420
00:15:47,677 --> 00:15:48,953
♪
421
00:15:57,367 --> 00:16:00,057
You don't talk about her a lot.
422
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,643
But I know you miss her.
423
00:16:03,746 --> 00:16:05,505
I've come to terms with it, Dad.
424
00:16:08,574 --> 00:16:11,332
- Do you remember her?
- In fragments.
425
00:16:14,781 --> 00:16:17,091
Do you?
426
00:16:17,195 --> 00:16:20,091
Do I remember her?
427
00:16:20,195 --> 00:16:21,712
Every day.
428
00:16:23,298 --> 00:16:26,539
I'll never forget the
first time I saw her.
429
00:16:26,643 --> 00:16:28,367
I was walking home one night.
430
00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:32,022
I don't even remember
exactly where I was.
431
00:16:32,126 --> 00:16:35,470
Just that... all of a sudden,
432
00:16:35,574 --> 00:16:37,746
it seemed like time stood still.
433
00:16:40,195 --> 00:16:43,884
Frozen.
434
00:16:43,988 --> 00:16:45,677
She stopped time.
435
00:16:50,126 --> 00:16:54,746
You know, I have these
dreams where she comes back.
436
00:16:54,850 --> 00:16:58,643
And my first reaction is,
I'm kind of mad at her.
437
00:17:01,298 --> 00:17:04,401
I'm angry at her for leaving.
438
00:17:04,505 --> 00:17:05,919
In my dreams,
I start arguing with her.
439
00:17:06,022 --> 00:17:08,022
I ask her, "Why did
you leave us like that?"
440
00:17:14,781 --> 00:17:16,988
I know we don't talk about her a lot.
441
00:17:21,850 --> 00:17:24,229
And...
442
00:17:24,332 --> 00:17:26,057
I miss her every day.
443
00:17:29,850 --> 00:17:31,539
Me too, Princess.
444
00:17:39,470 --> 00:17:43,643
Do you think she'd be proud...
445
00:17:43,746 --> 00:17:45,608
of how I am now?
446
00:17:45,712 --> 00:17:47,091
Did I ever tell you the story
447
00:17:47,195 --> 00:17:50,712
about how your mom went to a psychic?
448
00:17:50,815 --> 00:17:53,298
She just found out
that she was sick and...
449
00:17:53,401 --> 00:17:54,884
she was pregnant with you.
450
00:17:54,988 --> 00:17:58,781
We didn't know the sex of the
baby or anything like that yet.
451
00:18:00,091 --> 00:18:02,884
But your mom goes to this psychic.
452
00:18:02,988 --> 00:18:06,850
And the psychic says,
"You're gonna have a daughter."
453
00:18:06,953 --> 00:18:11,470
Like, she knew you
was gonna be a daughter.
454
00:18:11,574 --> 00:18:13,332
Spooky stuff.
455
00:18:13,436 --> 00:18:15,815
Could've been a couple things.
456
00:18:15,919 --> 00:18:19,815
And she says...
457
00:18:19,919 --> 00:18:22,677
"Your daughter's gonna be
somebody special someday."
458
00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,953
You think this psychic will be right?
459
00:18:30,057 --> 00:18:34,126
Come on, she already is.
460
00:18:34,229 --> 00:18:35,988
I'm really glad you found Brenda.
461
00:18:42,781 --> 00:18:44,953
Yeah?
462
00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:56,884
♪
463
00:18:58,919 --> 00:19:02,264
WALLY: Okay, it's the
return of the llama foot.
464
00:19:02,367 --> 00:19:06,470
I'm just gonna sit here and
polish off this bottle, I guess.
465
00:19:06,574 --> 00:19:08,539
You should go up to bed, huh?
466
00:19:12,436 --> 00:19:15,332
I'll hang out for a little bit.
467
00:19:15,436 --> 00:19:17,091
Stay with you.
468
00:19:18,539 --> 00:19:19,919
Okay.
469
00:19:22,919 --> 00:19:27,195
- It's not that bad.
- It's pretty bad.
470
00:19:27,298 --> 00:19:30,057
I really like the story on this one.
471
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,919
How do you think he's gonna
make her pay for that pizza?
472
00:19:34,022 --> 00:19:36,988
- Well, I got an idea.
- He's really good at that.
473
00:19:37,091 --> 00:19:39,643
Yeah, they don't make
porn like this nowadays.
474
00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:41,815
Everything's all so
scary and aggressive.
475
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:44,815
Back then, everyone was natural.
476
00:19:44,919 --> 00:19:49,781
You see a boob flopping around
or a big-ole Furby down there.
477
00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:52,022
Those titties are flying
around like nunchucks.
478
00:19:52,126 --> 00:19:55,195
She's really got a
ZZ Top situation down there.
479
00:19:55,298 --> 00:19:57,574
Oh, an ad for The Erogenous Zone.
480
00:19:57,677 --> 00:19:59,195
Adult shopping for grown-ups.
481
00:19:59,298 --> 00:20:00,884
I got a pressure
cooker from them once.
482
00:20:00,988 --> 00:20:01,884
What?
483
00:20:01,988 --> 00:20:04,126
Yeah, they sold normal stuff too.
484
00:20:04,229 --> 00:20:05,539
I have one in the kitchen.
485
00:20:05,643 --> 00:20:07,643
It makes moaning
sounds when it's done.
486
00:20:07,746 --> 00:20:09,539
NORA: You guys know the
lights are back on, right?
487
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:12,436
[woman moaning on TV]
488
00:20:12,539 --> 00:20:14,367
Are you watching a porno together!
489
00:20:14,470 --> 00:20:16,470
- Ah, yeah!
- No.
490
00:20:16,574 --> 00:20:18,229
Y'all are gross.
491
00:20:18,332 --> 00:20:23,264
[bad porn music, moaning]
492
00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:24,781
♪
493
00:20:24,884 --> 00:20:27,574
But so am I!
494
00:20:27,677 --> 00:20:30,746
Oh, I wish we had
some beef bourguignon!
495
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:32,574
You can eat while watching porn.
496
00:20:32,677 --> 00:20:34,401
Is there any other way to watch porn?
497
00:20:34,505 --> 00:20:39,643
[woman moaning]
498
00:20:39,746 --> 00:20:41,574
Gwak! Ow!
499
00:20:41,677 --> 00:20:43,988
You know what a balloon
knot looks like?
500
00:20:44,091 --> 00:20:45,298
- Yeah.
- Her butthole.
501
00:20:45,401 --> 00:20:46,195
Oh, yeah.
502
00:20:46,298 --> 00:20:54,643
♪
503
00:21:04,781 --> 00:21:10,401
♪♪
504
00:21:10,505 --> 00:21:12,470
MAN: Who the [bleep] is Awkwafina?
505
00:21:12,574 --> 00:21:14,332
♪
506
00:21:14,436 --> 00:21:16,988
MAN: ♪ MTV
36124
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