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1
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:12,078
- Me too.
You make me so hard.
2
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:14,247
- 'Scuse me!
'Scuse me.
3
00:00:14,347 --> 00:00:15,682
Can you stop?
4
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:18,651
We're dropping our daughter
off at school.
5
00:00:20,253 --> 00:00:22,322
- I can see your erection.
- Mom!
6
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:29,996
Essex College?
7
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:31,664
Did you have to pick a school
8
00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:34,100
that was 3,000 miles away
from me?
9
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,069
- It's almost like I did
that on purpose.
10
00:00:36,169 --> 00:00:38,772
- I mean, Vermont?
Why's it even a state?
11
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,374
Bunch of potheads
making maple syrup.
12
00:00:41,441 --> 00:00:43,877
- I--I don't know, I'm just
happy that you made the time
13
00:00:43,943 --> 00:00:45,345
to drop me off at school.
14
00:00:45,412 --> 00:00:47,847
Oh, okay, go on, honey.
15
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,583
- It's just nice
to spend time with you.
16
00:00:50,683 --> 00:00:52,452
- Goddamm it.
17
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:57,090
Look, Jackie, I am dropping my
daughter off at college today.
18
00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:59,292
That is the only thing
that matters.
19
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:04,130
Oh, CNN?
Okay, yes, put them through.
20
00:01:04,230 --> 00:01:06,366
Sorry.
21
00:01:06,433 --> 00:01:09,402
Jake Tapper.How you doin', sweetheart?
22
00:01:09,469 --> 00:01:12,405
What am I commenting ontoday?
23
00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:15,975
- Look, Beta,
I brought a surprise for you
24
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:19,879
to remind you of home.
It's Mr. Busby!
25
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,981
- Mom, are you serious?
- What?
26
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,716
You love Mr. Busby.
27
00:01:23,783 --> 00:01:26,119
- Mom, I'm not bringing my
teddy bear to college with me.
28
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:28,488
I'm 18 years old, I'm in
the middle of my reinvention.
29
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,490
- Not with the reinvention
again.
30
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:32,292
- Dad,
remember when Ben Affleck
31
00:01:32,392 --> 00:01:34,494
got that giant back tattoo
of a phoenix rising up
32
00:01:34,594 --> 00:01:35,829
from the ashes?
33
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:37,430
- Is he in
"Manchester by the Sea"?
34
00:01:37,497 --> 00:01:40,333
- Oh, very sad film.
- That's the other Affleck.
35
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:42,502
Look, that phoenix
made total sense to me.
36
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:43,603
Ben needed a change.
37
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:45,405
He needed to transform his life
38
00:01:45,472 --> 00:01:47,307
with a permanent physical
metamorphosis.
39
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:48,842
And so did I.
40
00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,578
Four months ago, I was an
Indian loser with cystic acne,
41
00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:53,413
sweaty armpits, and glasses.
42
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:56,015
But with Lasik procedure,
an Accutane prescription,
43
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:58,918
and medical-grade Botox
injected into my armpits,
44
00:01:58,985 --> 00:02:00,186
I'm normal.
45
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,355
- So should I throw
Mr. Busby away?
46
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:04,023
No, Mom, don't be stupid.
47
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,359
Just take him home and put him
on a shelf in my bedroom.
48
00:02:10,830 --> 00:02:12,298
- Hey, there, kiddo.
- Hey, Dad.
49
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:15,001
- Before we go inside,
I just want to say...
50
00:02:15,101 --> 00:02:16,503
- Um, Dad.
51
00:02:16,603 --> 00:02:17,804
Don't cry, please.
52
00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,205
- You're the first Finkle
to go to college.
53
00:02:19,305 --> 00:02:20,940
- Dad, I need you not
to cry right now.
54
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:22,509
- And I'm so proud of you.
You're such a special girl.
55
00:02:22,609 --> 00:02:23,877
- Honey, honey--
- I haven't told you enough.
56
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,145
Why don't you go inside
57
00:02:25,211 --> 00:02:26,346
and just
get yourself together.
58
00:02:26,446 --> 00:02:28,715
Go sit in the car.
59
00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:38,892
Honey, you got to promise me
you're gonna be careful
60
00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,662
because you're gonna meet
all kinds of, um, new people.
61
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,731
- Are you saying that because
they're Middle Eastern?
62
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:45,999
That's so offensive.
63
00:02:46,065 --> 00:02:47,500
I came here
because it's diverse.
64
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,068
We're from the whitest town
in the world.
65
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,571
- Dad won't even eat tacos.
- Someone say tacos?
66
00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:54,574
I can't handle that today,
my stomach is already a mess.
67
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,910
- No, honey, no ethnic food.
I promise.
68
00:02:57,010 --> 00:03:00,680
No, I meant rich people.
They can be a bad influence.
69
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,415
Do you remember
that Caleb Vicars boy?
70
00:03:02,515 --> 00:03:04,484
He was two grades above you,
he got into Penn,
71
00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:06,920
met some rich friends,
he got addicted to cocaine,
72
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,022
and got arrested...
73
00:03:10,089 --> 00:03:11,524
For selling his body.
74
00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:13,326
- Mom!
- I don't want that future
75
00:03:13,393 --> 00:03:15,428
- for you.
- Yeah, Mom, I don't want to
76
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:17,664
become a prostitute either.
77
00:03:20,900 --> 00:03:23,369
- Something about
New England, isn't there?
78
00:03:23,436 --> 00:03:25,738
Maybe it's the trees,
or the rivers, the air--
79
00:03:25,838 --> 00:03:27,173
I just feel so alive here.
80
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,908
- Dad, you're obsessed
with New England.
81
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:31,044
I mean, it's like you want
to have sex with New England.
82
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:33,112
Ha. That's not possible.
83
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,949
- God, Esme and Francesca
haven't texted me back yet.
84
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,118
They probably have a ton
of new inside jokes by now.
85
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,354
- You know, honey,
are you sure it's the best idea
86
00:03:41,421 --> 00:03:44,190
to be roommates in college with
your friends from high school?
87
00:03:44,257 --> 00:03:45,692
Shouldn't you branch out?
88
00:03:45,758 --> 00:03:48,061
- Dad, Esme and Francesca
are my soulmates.
89
00:03:48,127 --> 00:03:50,797
Okay, they are literally the
best people I have ever known.
90
00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:52,432
- Okay, but what about
that time
91
00:03:52,532 --> 00:03:54,934
that Francesca totally
abandoned you in Cape Cod?
92
00:03:55,034 --> 00:03:56,636
- She was having a really
tough time, okay?
93
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,471
Her dad just got audited.
94
00:03:58,571 --> 00:03:59,906
- Honey, I think
what I'm trying to say is
95
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,307
I don't think
Esme and Francesca
96
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:03,743
are the best influences on you,
you know?
97
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,311
They're kinda...assholes?
98
00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:08,815
- Dad, can you please not call
my friends assholes?
99
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:10,583
All right? And it doesn't even
make a difference, okay?
100
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:12,785
We're already living together.
101
00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:14,420
- Well,
if that's what makes you happy.
102
00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:17,156
I mean, I guess
what's really important is that
103
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,826
my baby girl
is going to my alma mater!
104
00:04:19,926 --> 00:04:21,995
I'm telling you,
after the next four years,
105
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:25,265
you're probably gonna want to
have sex with New England too.
106
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,469
- Dale, I hope you're using
your legs to push that.
107
00:04:29,569 --> 00:04:31,437
- I can't tell what I'm using,
Carol.
108
00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,350
Earth to Kimberly.
109
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,286
Your father's sciatica's gonna
act up at any minute now, here.
110
00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:47,687
- Help him out.
- I got it, Carol.
111
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,522
- You know what?
I'll do it, I'll do it.
112
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,291
- Mom, could you change
your jeans
113
00:04:51,357 --> 00:04:52,959
before anyone gets here?
114
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,662
- Hey!
- Hey, you must be Kimberly!
115
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,264
Oh, my Gosh!
I'm so excited!
116
00:04:58,331 --> 00:04:59,532
We're your roommates.
117
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,368
I'm Bela, that's Whitney,
that's Leighton.
118
00:05:02,468 --> 00:05:04,304
Just kidding,
they're my Indian parents.
119
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,272
- Oh!
- It's nice to meet you.
120
00:05:06,339 --> 00:05:09,008
- Oh it's nice to meet you too.
These are my parents.
121
00:05:09,108 --> 00:05:10,209
Carol and Dale.
122
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,178
- Hello.
- Great to meet you.
123
00:05:13,479 --> 00:05:14,881
We're Irish.
124
00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:17,483
- Yeah, there's an
Indian restaurant in our town.
125
00:05:17,550 --> 00:05:19,552
Never been.
126
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:22,355
- I love your Seth Meyers
poster.
127
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:25,625
- You can really see his face.
- Thanks.
128
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,327
Yeah,
he's sort of my dream guy.
129
00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:29,962
Double-threat
writer and performer on "SNL,"
130
00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:31,331
just like I want to be.
131
00:05:31,397 --> 00:05:33,733
It's like,
I want to have sex with him.
132
00:05:33,833 --> 00:05:36,169
But I also want to be him.
133
00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:38,571
Hey,
did you Google the other girls?
134
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,073
I obviously did.
135
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,908
Can you believe we're
living with Whitney Chase?
136
00:05:42,008 --> 00:05:43,910
- I know, it is so cool
that we're living
137
00:05:44,010 --> 00:05:45,244
with a senator's daughter.
138
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,913
I bought
a copy of the Constitution
139
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,481
for her mom to sign.
140
00:05:48,548 --> 00:05:49,849
- Wouldn't it be nuts if, like,
two years from now,
141
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,217
we were all still
rooming together,
142
00:05:51,317 --> 00:05:52,752
but she was like
president or something?
143
00:05:52,852 --> 00:05:55,021
- Oh, she's popular, sure,
I just don't think
144
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,023
she's respected enough
to be president.
145
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,558
Interesting. Ha ha.
146
00:05:58,658 --> 00:06:01,260
I'd like to give
a quick rebuttal to that.
147
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,163
Senator Evette Chase from
the great state of Washington.
148
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,366
It is so lovely to meet
all of you.
149
00:06:06,432 --> 00:06:09,502
- Hey, I'm Whitney.
- Oh, of course.
150
00:06:09,569 --> 00:06:12,438
There you are, my daughter.
151
00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:15,375
- Oh, it's very exciting
to meet you, Your Honor.
152
00:06:15,441 --> 00:06:16,909
You don't have to bow.
153
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:18,745
- Can I take a photo with you
to put on the wall
154
00:06:18,845 --> 00:06:21,280
- of one of my restaurants?
- Maybe later.
155
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,782
Earl, can you close the door?
156
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,785
I have a few things
I want to say in private.
157
00:06:28,454 --> 00:06:31,958
- North Con Hall--
buncha great memories here.
158
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,726
One time,
I drank so many White Russians,
159
00:06:33,793 --> 00:06:35,795
I threw up out
of that window right there.
160
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:39,132
- Ew, Dad.
- You're gonna love it here.
161
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,100
Yeah.
162
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,436
I already do.
163
00:06:43,536 --> 00:06:46,639
- It goes without saying,
I am a very public figure.
164
00:06:46,739 --> 00:06:48,775
- Oh, we get it,
we know all about your divorce.
165
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:51,210
Your ex sounded
like a real deadbeat.
166
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,479
- Thank you, he was.
- That's my dad.
167
00:06:53,579 --> 00:06:55,214
Here's what I don't need.
168
00:06:55,281 --> 00:06:57,250
I don't need to get woken up
in the middle of the night
169
00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,886
by some frantic phone call
telling me Whitney
170
00:06:59,952 --> 00:07:02,155
is getting high on opioids
with the roommates
171
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,590
and streaking across the quad
with their junk hanging out.
172
00:07:04,657 --> 00:07:06,392
- Mom!
- Our Kimmy has never
173
00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:08,161
touched drugs or alcohol.
174
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,329
She doesn't go out much.
175
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,998
I believe it.
176
00:07:12,098 --> 00:07:14,000
- And you don't have to worry
about me, Senator Chase.
177
00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:16,502
I'm a committed student
eager to study the sciences.
178
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:21,174
- Okay, that felt forced.
Look, I care about you girls.
179
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:24,343
Just don't embarrass me,
because then you're dead to me.
180
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,979
Oh, and if you could not tweet
for the next four years,
181
00:07:27,079 --> 00:07:28,347
that'd be great.
182
00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:33,920
- Oh, my gosh,
you must be Leighton!
183
00:07:33,986 --> 00:07:35,855
We're so happy to meet you.
184
00:07:35,955 --> 00:07:37,924
- I'm sorry,
who the fuck are you?
185
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:39,492
- Leighton!
- What?
186
00:07:39,592 --> 00:07:43,262
- Where are Francesca and Esme?
- Who are they?
187
00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:45,798
- Uh, my best friends
and my roommates?
188
00:07:45,865 --> 00:07:48,434
- Dude,
I think we're your roommates.
189
00:07:51,137 --> 00:07:54,707
- No.
No, no, no, no.
190
00:07:56,976 --> 00:07:59,278
Very nice to meet you all.
191
00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:01,047
Have a great time in college.
192
00:08:08,488 --> 00:08:09,789
- Hey, Leight!
- Hi!
193
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:12,692
What the fuck is going on?
194
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:15,027
- This is our roommate,
Siddhartha.
195
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:17,997
We just showed up,
196
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:19,632
and they assigned us
with that random girl.
197
00:08:19,699 --> 00:08:21,033
- Trust me, we were
just as upset as you are.
198
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:22,635
- Okay,
but how did this happen?
199
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:24,036
- I mean, we filled out
the rooming questionnaire
200
00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:26,305
- the exact same way.
- I know!
201
00:08:26,372 --> 00:08:29,075
- Is it possible that maybe
you messed up your answers?
202
00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,078
I mean, writing wasn't
your strong suit at Spence.
203
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,580
- Excuse me!
She's a great writer, okay?
204
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:38,084
She wrote her Nana's eulogy--
not a dry eye in the house.
205
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,318
- Dad!
206
00:08:39,385 --> 00:08:42,154
- See? Assholes.
Not you.
207
00:08:42,221 --> 00:08:44,156
- Look, I don't know
how this got so fucked up,
208
00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:46,592
but I am gonna fix this
somehow, all right?
209
00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,261
Please!
210
00:08:52,932 --> 00:08:54,901
- Love you, baby.
- Be good, Beta.
211
00:08:55,001 --> 00:08:57,203
Don't follow me on social.
212
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,605
- I love you.
- I love you too.
213
00:09:00,706 --> 00:09:03,042
- All right, girls,
take care of each other.
214
00:09:03,109 --> 00:09:05,411
And remember,
no single-use plastics.
215
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:07,613
Hey, are you good?
216
00:09:07,713 --> 00:09:10,216
Your dad was shaking pretty
hard when he said goodbye.
217
00:09:10,283 --> 00:09:11,617
Oh, he's fine.
218
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,386
I'm sure he's finished crying
by now anyway.
219
00:09:13,452 --> 00:09:16,522
- Love you, peanut!
220
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,363
- Welcome.
Take a comfy seat.
221
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:26,699
- Does this mean
you are our roommate?
222
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:27,767
Oh, no, no.
223
00:09:27,867 --> 00:09:29,035
But there's been
a clerical error
224
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:30,369
that I need to address
tomorrow,
225
00:09:30,436 --> 00:09:31,938
so I'll need to stay
for one night.
226
00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:33,205
- Well,
we already picked rooms,
227
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:34,974
so you're with Bela.
228
00:09:35,074 --> 00:09:37,143
- Even though it's one night,
we should probably sidebar
229
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,412
about a system in case either
of us brings a dude home.
230
00:09:39,478 --> 00:09:42,481
- Okay, everyone,
my name is Frude Rasmunssen,
231
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:46,152
and I will be your
Freshman Advisor and Friend,
232
00:09:46,252 --> 00:09:49,488
aka, your FAF.
Welcome to Essex!
233
00:09:53,225 --> 00:09:55,494
We'll start
with some icebreakers.
234
00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:58,898
Let's go around and share
a time when we felt scared.
235
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:00,499
I'll start.
236
00:10:01,500 --> 00:10:03,436
Avalanche
during a family reunion.
237
00:10:03,502 --> 00:10:06,505
I lost several relatives
and was, myself, entombed
238
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,608
for many days.
239
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,142
Next?
240
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:11,844
I'm scared of my stalker.
241
00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:13,846
I'm kind of a big deal
on TikTok.
242
00:10:13,946 --> 00:10:15,848
Malia Obama follows me.
243
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:18,818
- Holy shit,
she has 200,000 followers.
244
00:10:18,918 --> 00:10:20,620
- Oh, my God,
you do song parodies?
245
00:10:20,686 --> 00:10:22,188
- Ooh!
- Whoa!
246
00:10:24,857 --> 00:10:27,927
That was for a body positivity
campaign for Kind Bars,
247
00:10:27,994 --> 00:10:30,162
- which are delicious.
- So cool!
248
00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:31,831
Who else?
249
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:35,034
- Um, I am a little nervous
about my work-study interview
250
00:10:35,134 --> 00:10:36,869
- tomorrow.
- Wait, you have a job?
251
00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,638
Well, I applied for one.
252
00:10:38,704 --> 00:10:40,339
Yes, great, Kimberly.
253
00:10:40,439 --> 00:10:44,343
And don't worry, many students
at Essex have student jobs.
254
00:10:44,443 --> 00:10:46,679
Who else has one?
255
00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:48,781
Anyone?
256
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:51,784
I guess perhaps it is
just you here.
257
00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,185
Cool.
258
00:10:53,285 --> 00:10:55,054
- Look, Frude,
I'm sure you're good at this,
259
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,957
- but sharing our fears isn't--
- I'm scared because I'm gay.
260
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,625
I was in the closet
all through high school,
261
00:10:59,692 --> 00:11:01,127
and I don't want to do
that again,
262
00:11:01,193 --> 00:11:02,628
so I promised myself
I would tell everyone
263
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:06,198
the minute I got here.
Guys, I'm gay.
264
00:11:06,298 --> 00:11:08,334
- Oh.
- Okay.
265
00:11:09,635 --> 00:11:12,705
- Oh, I'm gay too.
I've been out since I was 12.
266
00:11:12,805 --> 00:11:16,075
It wasn't easy in Oklahoma,
but I had to be me.
267
00:11:16,175 --> 00:11:19,145
- all: Aw!
- He's so handsome.
268
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:21,914
This is great.
269
00:11:22,014 --> 00:11:24,984
We are learning so much
about our new gay friends!
270
00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,889
- So, why did you all
pick Essex?
271
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,424
- Oh,
I'm here for the "Catullan."
272
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,659
The college comedy magazine.
273
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:35,428
It's a big deal
in the comedy world.
274
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:38,164
A ton of writers on "SNL" got
their start on the "Catullan."
275
00:11:38,230 --> 00:11:39,765
- Cool! I came
'cause it's prestigious.
276
00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,702
I'm gonna graduate summa,
and then I'm gonna go
277
00:11:42,768 --> 00:11:44,070
to a tier one law school,
278
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:46,105
and then Max and I are gonna
move to DC
279
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:47,440
where we're gonna become
a power couple
280
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,041
like Kamala and Doug.
281
00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:50,342
Are any of you
in relationships?
282
00:11:50,409 --> 00:11:52,778
Oh, no, thank you.
283
00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,047
I didn't come to college
to be tethered to some dude
284
00:11:55,114 --> 00:11:56,582
I dated in high school.
285
00:11:56,682 --> 00:11:58,184
Also, I never really dated
anyone in high school,
286
00:11:58,250 --> 00:12:00,686
but I'm here,
I'm super sex-positive--
287
00:12:00,753 --> 00:12:02,254
in theory more than
in experience.
288
00:12:02,354 --> 00:12:04,023
And I am ready
to smash some Ds.
289
00:12:05,591 --> 00:12:07,560
- Max and I are waiting.
Not for any weird reason.
290
00:12:07,626 --> 00:12:10,296
- He's just not ready.
- He's not ready?
291
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,264
- Oh, God.
- What? What's wrong with that?
292
00:12:12,364 --> 00:12:14,633
- Oh, boys are born ready,
so something's up.
293
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,802
- Yeah, is he, like, waiting
but also, like,
294
00:12:16,902 --> 00:12:19,038
really up to date
on "Drag Race"?
295
00:12:19,105 --> 00:12:20,473
- Oh, no,
it's nothing like that.
296
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:21,941
It's gonna be worth the wait.
297
00:12:22,041 --> 00:12:23,943
People tell him
he looks like Shawn Mendes.
298
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,311
Ooh!
299
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:26,579
- Hey, have you all seen
that video
300
00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:28,314
of Shawn Mendes
taking a shower?
301
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,149
It is very good.
302
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:39,158
- Step, step, step!
- Get it, get it!
303
00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:54,006
She's good.
304
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,641
All right, ladies, hustle!
305
00:12:55,741 --> 00:12:57,309
Now's when you should be
impressing me!
306
00:13:08,821 --> 00:13:11,757
- I see you smiling,
feeling all proud of yourself.
307
00:13:11,824 --> 00:13:13,926
Me? No, I wasn't.
308
00:13:13,993 --> 00:13:15,661
- You should smile.
You're fast, rookie.
309
00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:17,596
Just don't get too cocky.
310
00:13:18,497 --> 00:13:20,299
- Oh, I really like
your sticker.
311
00:13:20,366 --> 00:13:21,967
Oh, thanks.
312
00:13:22,034 --> 00:13:23,869
I don't know what it means,
but I saw it at a gas station
313
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,338
and was like, "That
would be cool in my locker."
314
00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:29,375
- Oh, well, I think it's meant
for people who identify as--
315
00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:31,610
- I'm just playing.
I'm super gay.
316
00:13:31,677 --> 00:13:36,115
Like, I'm the LeBron James
of being attracted to women.
317
00:13:36,182 --> 00:13:38,317
- I'm Willow.
- Whitney.
318
00:13:39,018 --> 00:13:41,887
- If I had a silver spoon like
that, I'd run really fast too.
319
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:43,455
She thinks she's hot shit.
320
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:45,691
The only reason she gets
playing time as a freshman
321
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,326
- is because of who her mom is.
- Oh, my God, Jena,
322
00:13:47,393 --> 00:13:48,994
- you're so bad.
- I know that I'm a better
323
00:13:49,061 --> 00:13:50,529
forward than she is...
324
00:13:50,629 --> 00:13:53,232
- You good?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
325
00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:55,067
Cool.
326
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,070
- Coach?
- Yeah.
327
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:01,073
- Hey, can I talk to you
about something?
328
00:14:01,173 --> 00:14:03,175
Course. What's up?
329
00:14:03,242 --> 00:14:05,744
It's kind of serious.
330
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:07,246
I just--
I'm finding it really difficult
331
00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:08,714
to concentrate during practice
332
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:11,584
because I want to
fuck you so bad.
333
00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:14,753
- Whit, what the hell?
- I'm so sorry, I had to.
334
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,055
There are people still here.
335
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,857
- Everyone's gone except
like one janitor.
336
00:14:17,923 --> 00:14:19,358
- Hold on,
is it Joe or Alejandro?
337
00:14:19,425 --> 00:14:20,926
'Cause Alejandro
notices everything.
338
00:14:21,026 --> 00:14:25,598
- Chill, no one saw.
And no one will see this.
339
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:31,370
- We still on for tonight?
- Yeah.
340
00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:33,839
- Now get out of here.
- Okay.
341
00:14:35,241 --> 00:14:36,442
- Oh, my God, really?- Yep.
342
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:37,743
- I got the job?
- Yep.
343
00:14:37,843 --> 00:14:39,111
Oh, cool!
344
00:14:39,211 --> 00:14:41,247
- So, all employees
of Essex Sips need
345
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:42,848
to submit
their timesheets online
346
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:45,050
through the, uh, financial aid
work-study portal.
347
00:14:45,117 --> 00:14:47,753
- Okay.
- Portal, guh.
348
00:14:47,853 --> 00:14:49,288
What are we on, "Star Trek"?
349
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,457
- It's funny, right?
350
00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:54,026
- You like funny things?
- Um, yeah.
351
00:14:54,093 --> 00:14:56,128
- I know, we both can
say what we think is funny
352
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:57,730
- on the count of three.
- Oh, uh, no--
353
00:14:57,796 --> 00:15:00,299
- Yeah! We'll do it together.
One, two, three.
354
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,901
- Uh, memes.
- Avenue Q.
355
00:15:01,967 --> 00:15:03,802
- Oh, memes, that's good too.
- Yeah.
356
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,938
- Wow,
I think we're gonna get along.
357
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:08,741
- You have a good personality.
- Oh, thank you.
358
00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:10,409
- Can I tell you something,
between us?
359
00:15:10,476 --> 00:15:12,378
I have some issues
with the other work-study kids
360
00:15:12,444 --> 00:15:13,746
that I manage.
361
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:15,381
They just have got
a lot of attitude.
362
00:15:15,447 --> 00:15:17,750
- Oh, well, I really need
this job to pay for school,
363
00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:20,219
so the only kind of attitude
I have is "can do."
364
00:15:20,286 --> 00:15:23,289
- That's great,
very clever.
365
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:24,957
Okay, everybody, huddle up.
366
00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:28,327
Before we open, I'd like
you to meet our new trainee.
367
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,829
This is Kimberly,
and she loves memes.
368
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,467
- In addition to other hobbies
and interests, you know?
369
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:38,570
Which I can't think of
right now, but I have them.
370
00:15:38,637 --> 00:15:40,139
- Canaan.
- Lila.
371
00:15:40,239 --> 00:15:42,741
- Cool. I'm really excited
to be working
372
00:15:42,808 --> 00:15:44,076
at Sips with you guys.
373
00:15:44,143 --> 00:15:46,412
I--I'm sure we'll have
a "latte" fun.
374
00:15:48,847 --> 00:15:51,450
I just want to say, you are
a wonderful little lady.
375
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:53,319
- Okay.
- Oh, is that the menu?
376
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,687
It is.
377
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:56,288
- You know what could be
so cute is if we did
378
00:15:56,355 --> 00:15:57,923
little chalk drawings
that changed every day.
379
00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:00,326
Like, today,
we could do leaves.
380
00:16:00,426 --> 00:16:01,927
Because it's September.
381
00:16:01,994 --> 00:16:04,196
I love it, yes.
382
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:06,031
Lila,
you're always doodling.
383
00:16:06,131 --> 00:16:07,533
I want you to come in
a few minutes early
384
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:08,867
and decorate the board.
385
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,536
- Why me?
She suggested it.
386
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:12,104
- Well, you're artsy, you know,
so just have fun with it
387
00:16:12,171 --> 00:16:13,872
and draw some goddamn leaves.
388
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:20,346
- So what did you sayyour last name was again?
389
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:24,717
- Murray, as in Murray library.
The library next door.
390
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:27,686
- I slipped and fell there
last winter.
391
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:30,489
- Broke my tailbone.
- I'm very sorry to hear that.
392
00:16:30,556 --> 00:16:32,224
But can we please focus
on my problem?
393
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,893
It's extremely distressing
to be separated
394
00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,395
from one's best friends.
395
00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:38,664
- Okay,
looks like you submitted
396
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,199
a personal habits survey
397
00:16:40,299 --> 00:16:43,402
with Esme Schaffer
and Francesca Bromley
398
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:46,405
and got a 99% match-up
with both of them.
399
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:49,408
- Exactly, but then there was
some glitch in the system,
400
00:16:49,508 --> 00:16:51,910
or something, and they got
assigned with some random girl
401
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,246
with weird clothes,
bless her heart.
402
00:16:54,346 --> 00:16:56,982
- Well, in addition
to the survey, they also wrote
403
00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:59,752
specific directions in
who they wanted in a roommate.
404
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,889
Specific how, let me see.
405
00:17:03,989 --> 00:17:06,992
- "Do not room us
with Leighton Murray"?
406
00:17:07,059 --> 00:17:09,561
Why? Why the hell would
they write that?
407
00:17:09,661 --> 00:17:13,699
- I know.
You seem like such a joy.
408
00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,869
- Welcome to the "Catullan"
Perspective Writer's meeting.
409
00:17:16,935 --> 00:17:19,438
We're the co-editors.
I'm Ryan, this is Eric.
410
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,073
We want to start
by saying thank you.
411
00:17:21,173 --> 00:17:22,941
It's really great to see such
a big turnout.
412
00:17:23,041 --> 00:17:25,611
That being said,
know this going in.
413
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,113
"The Catullan" is the most
selective extra-curricular
414
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:30,115
- on campus.
- What about a cappella?
415
00:17:30,215 --> 00:17:31,717
Hey, fuck a cappella!
416
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,752
- Look, sure, what Eric's
saying is technically correct.
417
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,354
But I think we're getting
ahead of things here.
418
00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,556
Writing
for a comedy magazine is fun,
419
00:17:37,623 --> 00:17:39,792
and we look forward to reading
your writing samples.
420
00:17:39,892 --> 00:17:43,462
- 3 pieces, 600 words,
no puns, I'm serious.
421
00:17:43,562 --> 00:17:45,631
- But rather than me telling
you why you should submit,
422
00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:50,235
let's see what some of
our recent alums have to say.
423
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:53,238
- I'm Oliver Roni, I wrotefor "The Catullan" last year,
424
00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,040
and nowI'm a writer's assistant
425
00:17:55,107 --> 00:17:59,078
on a new animated show abouta suburban white family.
426
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:00,712
Holy shit!
427
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:04,316
- $20.
- $20 if I make this?
428
00:18:04,416 --> 00:18:05,951
Straight to you, cash now.
429
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,553
- Okay, ready?
- Go ahead.
430
00:18:07,619 --> 00:18:09,154
- Did you see that?
- Oh, okay.
431
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:11,156
I'll give it to you,
I'll give it to you.
432
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,595
- Hey, Canaan.
- Hey.
433
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,766
- Do you like Jay-Z?
- Yeah, I--I guess.
434
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,902
- Yeah, I mean,
I think his music is so dope.
435
00:18:23,969 --> 00:18:25,771
And some would say
he's more than a musician.
436
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,907
- He's like a prophet too.
- Okay.
437
00:18:28,974 --> 00:18:30,342
Look, I just have to say,
438
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:31,977
I come from a small town
in Arizona,
439
00:18:32,077 --> 00:18:34,313
and it's really exciting
for me to have a Black friend.
440
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:37,349
- Oh.
- Or, is it African American?
441
00:18:37,449 --> 00:18:39,685
I don't know, 'cause there are
two schools of thought on that.
442
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,987
- What--what do you think?
- Black is--is fine.
443
00:18:42,087 --> 00:18:43,021
- Okay.
- Yes.
444
00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,524
So, Black. Cool.
445
00:18:45,624 --> 00:18:48,594
And what--what's it like
being Black at Essex?
446
00:18:48,660 --> 00:18:52,164
Um, you know...
447
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:53,932
it's hard.
Yeah.
448
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:56,368
You know, not a lot
of people here get me.
449
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:57,636
And how could they?
450
00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:59,438
I mean, we've led such
different lives.
451
00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:02,541
You know, I've never touched
cashmere before.
452
00:19:02,641 --> 00:19:06,678
I don't really tell
a lot of people this, but...
453
00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:08,180
my mom is addicted to crack.
454
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:09,848
You know, that's my story.
455
00:19:09,948 --> 00:19:13,218
And now I have to work
three on-campus jobs
456
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:17,322
just so I can send money
back to her and my baby sister.
457
00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:21,026
And I just have to hope
she doesn't spend it on crack.
458
00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:23,996
- Oh, my God,
that is just so much
459
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,232
- for you to be dealing with.
- Yeah, yeah, but...
460
00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,001
you know what?
461
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:32,404
It is nothing compared
to what Lila has been through.
462
00:19:32,504 --> 00:19:39,178
I mean, that poor girl
has it so much worse than me.
463
00:19:39,244 --> 00:19:41,747
What's Lila's story?
464
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:44,249
- Goddamn it.
465
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:46,752
What the actual fuck, okay?
466
00:19:46,852 --> 00:19:48,754
Do you guys have any idea
how humiliating it is
467
00:19:48,854 --> 00:19:51,356
to be friend-dumped
in front of a clerical worker?
468
00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,192
- Believe me, Leight, we didn't
want it to be this way.
469
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:55,093
- Well, we did want it
to be this way,
470
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,229
but it hurts to see you
so upset.
471
00:19:57,329 --> 00:19:59,598
- I don't understand.
I thought we were friends.
472
00:20:01,266 --> 00:20:03,602
Uh,
what's with this fucking pause?
473
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:05,003
Were we not friends?
474
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:07,005
- I mean, we hung out,
obviously,
475
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:10,442
but the truth is, we never
really felt like we knew you.
476
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:12,844
- Yeah, you were always
so secretive or something.
477
00:20:12,911 --> 00:20:14,880
It was like being friends
with a stranger.
478
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,215
- What are you guys
talking about?
479
00:20:16,281 --> 00:20:18,083
I literally
tell you everything.
480
00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:19,418
I don't think that's true.
481
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:22,554
- It's like there's this wall
with you.
482
00:20:22,621 --> 00:20:24,523
No, there's...
483
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:29,628
God, okay, whatever!
Whatever, I don't care.
484
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,630
I'm--I'm sorry that I'm not
like an over-sharer
485
00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:34,299
like every other girl
in our fucking generation.
486
00:20:34,399 --> 00:20:36,468
- I just think
that you could open up more.
487
00:20:36,568 --> 00:20:40,472
- Okay, okay,
is this open enough for you?
488
00:20:40,572 --> 00:20:42,808
Fuck you both,
you really hurt my feelings,
489
00:20:42,908 --> 00:20:45,143
and I hope an air conditioner
falls on you.
490
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:56,255
- Hey,
you haven't been out in a bit,
491
00:20:56,321 --> 00:20:58,490
so I brought you some food
from work.
492
00:20:58,590 --> 00:21:00,826
- What is it?
- A burrito.
493
00:21:02,661 --> 00:21:06,064
- Ugh, no, I don't want beef.
Just throw it in the trash.
494
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:09,601
Look, I know you wanted
495
00:21:09,668 --> 00:21:11,270
to room with your friends
from home.
496
00:21:11,336 --> 00:21:15,073
- They're not my friends,
they're mouth breathing cunts.
497
00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:16,742
Right, okay.
498
00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:19,077
Well, I think
if you give us a chance,
499
00:21:19,144 --> 00:21:20,579
you'll really like living
with us.
500
00:21:20,646 --> 00:21:22,481
We're playing Uno
in the other room right now--
501
00:21:22,581 --> 00:21:25,484
- Okay, Kimberly, Kimberly,
I'm from New York City, okay?
502
00:21:25,584 --> 00:21:28,020
And I know from your world,
that probably sounds
503
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,488
like a really fun evening.
504
00:21:29,588 --> 00:21:32,691
But, for me, that's worse
than getting a Pap smear.
505
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,327
So can you shut the door
when you leave?
506
00:21:42,701 --> 00:21:44,469
You guys can borrowany of my clothes you like--
507
00:21:44,536 --> 00:21:46,838
bras, underwear,
nothing's off limits.
508
00:21:46,938 --> 00:21:48,440
I'd like to borrow yours too,
if that's cool.
509
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:50,942
- Uh, I'll think about it.
- Yeah.
510
00:21:51,009 --> 00:21:54,046
- Sure. No pressure--I'll
follow up about it tomorrow.
511
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:56,548
- Hey,
is this Leighton Murray's room?
512
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:05,724
- Hello?
- Yes, uh, she lives here.
513
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:09,061
Damn, she's a lucky lady.
You guys make a sexy couple.
514
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,896
- Ha ha.
She's my sister, actually.
515
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,732
- Yikes.
- Your Leighton's brother?
516
00:22:13,832 --> 00:22:15,634
Then you're practically family!
517
00:22:15,701 --> 00:22:18,003
- Come to Mama.
- Oh.
518
00:22:18,070 --> 00:22:21,306
- Wow.
It's like hugging a statue.
519
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:23,975
- Hi, uh, I'm Whitney.
520
00:22:24,042 --> 00:22:26,078
- Sorry about her.
- Oh, Whitney Chase.
521
00:22:26,178 --> 00:22:27,579
Your mom's a senator, right?
522
00:22:27,679 --> 00:22:29,748
That's really dope.
523
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:33,585
- I'm Kimberly.
My parents aren't famous.
524
00:22:33,685 --> 00:22:35,654
My dad's a manager
at Walgreen's.
525
00:22:36,588 --> 00:22:39,024
- Cool.
Nice to meet you, Kimberly.
526
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,428
- Nico,
what are you doing here?
527
00:22:43,528 --> 00:22:47,899
- Ha. Whoa, Leighton,
you look like shit.
528
00:22:49,701 --> 00:22:51,837
Leight, this isn't that bad.
529
00:22:51,903 --> 00:22:53,538
I mean, for what it's worth,
530
00:22:53,605 --> 00:22:55,273
I thought all your friends
in high school really sucked.
531
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,576
- Thanks, you always know
how to cheer me up.
532
00:22:57,676 --> 00:22:59,611
- Look, this could be
a blessing in disguise.
533
00:22:59,711 --> 00:23:01,079
I mean,
I don't talk to anyone
534
00:23:01,179 --> 00:23:02,280
from high school anymore.
535
00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:04,449
- Yeah,
'cause you don't need to.
536
00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:06,785
Okay, everyone wants
to be friends with you.
537
00:23:06,885 --> 00:23:09,855
I'm just some judgmental
dickhead with hormonal acne.
538
00:23:09,921 --> 00:23:13,525
- Hey, hey, stop.
I think your face looks fine.
539
00:23:13,592 --> 00:23:15,460
- That is because
I use a great concealer.
540
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:21,233
- Look, Leight, you are
the strongest person I know.
541
00:23:21,299 --> 00:23:24,536
Okay, I'm your older brother,
and I'm even scared of you.
542
00:23:24,603 --> 00:23:28,373
But you--you're going to
crush Essex.
543
00:23:29,374 --> 00:23:32,411
- You really think so?
- I do.
544
00:23:34,579 --> 00:23:36,381
You're a good person
545
00:23:36,448 --> 00:23:39,618
underneath
all your bad qualities.
546
00:23:39,718 --> 00:23:41,953
Hmm, thank you.
547
00:23:44,589 --> 00:23:47,292
- Hey, so,
Cory keeps asking about you.
548
00:23:47,392 --> 00:23:49,828
He's excited
you're finally on campus.
549
00:23:49,928 --> 00:23:53,832
- Oh, cool.
- So what should I tell him?
550
00:23:53,932 --> 00:23:55,400
- You should tell him
that I don't want
551
00:23:55,467 --> 00:23:57,669
to discuss my dating life
with my older brother.
552
00:23:57,769 --> 00:23:59,938
- Ah, okay, fair enough.
- Mm-hmm.
553
00:24:00,005 --> 00:24:02,240
All right. I'm gonna go.
554
00:24:02,307 --> 00:24:04,476
But I think you can handle
being civil to those girls
555
00:24:04,576 --> 00:24:07,446
for the next eight months.
They seem perfectly nice to me.
556
00:24:07,512 --> 00:24:09,681
- That's 'cause they want
to have sex with you.
557
00:24:09,781 --> 00:24:12,484
- I know they do.
- Hey.
558
00:24:12,584 --> 00:24:14,252
You're disgusting.
559
00:24:16,788 --> 00:24:18,123
I just...
560
00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:21,159
I've been such a bitch to them,
you know? Like...
561
00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:23,595
Well, do something nice then.
562
00:24:23,662 --> 00:24:25,931
Show them you're gonna be
a good roommate.
563
00:24:28,099 --> 00:24:30,669
I'll see you around.
564
00:24:39,177 --> 00:24:40,979
- Were you just changing
in the closet?
565
00:24:41,046 --> 00:24:42,614
What? No.
566
00:24:42,681 --> 00:24:44,449
I mean, I went
from one outfit to another.
567
00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:46,651
So, I mean, I guess you could
call that changing.
568
00:24:46,718 --> 00:24:49,154
- Are you, like, religious,
or something?
569
00:24:49,221 --> 00:24:50,555
No.
570
00:24:50,655 --> 00:24:51,990
I've just never lived
with anyone before,
571
00:24:52,057 --> 00:24:55,227
so I don't really know
what to do.
572
00:24:55,327 --> 00:24:58,163
- Hey, so I saw you checking
out Leighton's brother tonight.
573
00:24:58,230 --> 00:25:00,565
- Oh, definitely not.
No, I have Max.
574
00:25:00,665 --> 00:25:02,901
My boyfriend from home
who I'm, like, in love with.
575
00:25:03,001 --> 00:25:04,736
So if you're saying that
because you like Nico,
576
00:25:04,836 --> 00:25:06,905
you should definitely go
for it.
577
00:25:07,005 --> 00:25:08,340
Nah, that's all right.
578
00:25:08,406 --> 00:25:10,709
I like men, not boys.
579
00:25:20,018 --> 00:25:23,255
- Hey, Lila.
- Hey.
580
00:25:23,355 --> 00:25:27,092
- I just want to say
I'm so inspired by you.
581
00:25:27,192 --> 00:25:29,094
This morning
when my alarm clock went off,
582
00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:30,529
I thought to myself, kill me!
583
00:25:30,595 --> 00:25:32,864
But then I was like,
shut up, Kimberly.
584
00:25:32,931 --> 00:25:35,267
If Lila can go through
what she's going through
585
00:25:35,367 --> 00:25:38,203
and come to work,
you can get out of bed.
586
00:25:38,270 --> 00:25:40,171
- What exactly
am I going through?
587
00:25:40,238 --> 00:25:43,608
- I mean, you know,
it can't be easy with a baby.
588
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:47,379
And the baby's dad
being incarcerated.
589
00:25:47,445 --> 00:25:49,180
'Cause prison isn't
just for the prisoner.
590
00:25:49,247 --> 00:25:51,883
In a way, it's prison
for the whole family.
591
00:25:51,950 --> 00:25:55,086
- The fuck are you
talking about?
592
00:25:55,186 --> 00:25:57,022
I don't have a kid
or a baby daddy,
593
00:25:57,088 --> 00:25:58,723
and definitely not one
that's in jail.
594
00:25:58,790 --> 00:26:03,395
- Oh, but Canaan said--
595
00:26:03,461 --> 00:26:05,230
Yeah, well,
he was messing with you.
596
00:26:05,297 --> 00:26:06,798
And he knew
you'd believe it too
597
00:26:06,898 --> 00:26:09,634
because you're some hick
from Shit Town, Arizoni.
598
00:26:09,734 --> 00:26:12,137
- Wow, Canaan,
you're such an asshole.
599
00:26:12,237 --> 00:26:15,106
- Okay, to be fair,
it was pretty funny.
600
00:26:15,206 --> 00:26:16,641
So it was all bullshit?
601
00:26:16,741 --> 00:26:18,944
I bet your mom's not even
addicted to crack.
602
00:26:19,044 --> 00:26:21,146
- No,
she's a paralegal in Maryland.
603
00:26:21,246 --> 00:26:23,815
Are you mad
that my mom's not a crackhead?
604
00:26:23,915 --> 00:26:26,318
- Yeah--
I mean, no, I--
605
00:26:26,418 --> 00:26:28,453
I mean, I'm just trying
to meet people
606
00:26:28,553 --> 00:26:29,654
at a school
where I don't know anyone.
607
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:30,989
You don't have to be a jerk.
608
00:26:31,089 --> 00:26:33,725
Okay, relax, relax.
609
00:26:33,792 --> 00:26:34,993
He doesn't mean it.
610
00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:37,729
He's going through
a lot at home.
611
00:26:37,796 --> 00:26:40,498
His brother just ruined
a promising football career
612
00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:45,103
- by joining a gang.
- Oh, well, I didn't know--
613
00:26:45,170 --> 00:26:46,504
His name is Rashad,
614
00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:49,474
but now he makes us call him
Thug Blood.
615
00:26:49,574 --> 00:26:51,142
- Oh, my God, come on.
Shut up.
616
00:26:51,242 --> 00:26:53,912
What is wrong with you two?
617
00:26:53,979 --> 00:26:57,415
both:
618
00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:03,254
Willow!
619
00:27:08,259 --> 00:27:09,661
Right here, right here!
620
00:27:12,030 --> 00:27:13,331
- What the fuck?
621
00:27:13,431 --> 00:27:15,033
Let's go!
622
00:27:18,670 --> 00:27:20,271
- All right, this is yours,
Whitney, this is yours.
623
00:27:20,338 --> 00:27:21,673
- Ah!
- Oh.
624
00:27:21,773 --> 00:27:24,376
- Aah!
What the fuck is your problem?
625
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:25,810
- Don't touch me,
you entitled bitch.
626
00:27:25,877 --> 00:27:27,178
- Hey, enough, enough,
enough, enough!
627
00:27:27,278 --> 00:27:28,813
All right, you're done
for the day, go.
628
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,149
- Just me? Are you serious?
She shoved me first.
629
00:27:31,216 --> 00:27:32,984
- Everyone saw it.
- Let's go.
630
00:27:33,051 --> 00:27:34,185
- All right,
back to practice everyone.
631
00:27:34,285 --> 00:27:35,787
Come on,
what are you looking at?
632
00:27:38,323 --> 00:27:40,859
- What was that?
- A Kit Kat?
633
00:27:40,959 --> 00:27:42,560
- Fuck your Kit Kat.
I'm talking about Jena.
634
00:27:42,661 --> 00:27:44,062
She already hates me.
635
00:27:44,162 --> 00:27:45,397
The last thing I need
is looking like
636
00:27:45,497 --> 00:27:46,898
I'm getting special treatment.
637
00:27:46,998 --> 00:27:49,067
Let me fight my own battles,
I can handle myself.
638
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:51,569
- Yeah, if by handle yourself,
you mean get your ass kicked.
639
00:27:51,670 --> 00:27:53,738
Jena was throwing you around
the field like a ragdoll.
640
00:27:53,838 --> 00:27:56,341
What was I gonna do?
Let her rip your head off?
641
00:27:56,408 --> 00:27:57,809
- Look, this is my problem,
not yours.
642
00:27:57,876 --> 00:28:00,078
Really, you're only making
things worse.
643
00:28:00,178 --> 00:28:02,213
Whitney.
644
00:28:06,184 --> 00:28:08,219
- Hey!
Hey!
645
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,556
Eric, right?
I'm Bela Malhotra.
646
00:28:11,656 --> 00:28:13,091
I'm a freshman.
647
00:28:13,191 --> 00:28:16,361
I was at "The Catullan"
Orientation the other day.
648
00:28:16,428 --> 00:28:19,264
- Sorry, there's literally
hundreds of people there.
649
00:28:19,364 --> 00:28:21,199
I'm still reeling
from the emails.
650
00:28:21,266 --> 00:28:23,101
- So, I--I know you said
that we should drop off
651
00:28:23,201 --> 00:28:24,502
our submission packets,
652
00:28:24,569 --> 00:28:25,870
but I was wondering
if I could film mine
653
00:28:25,937 --> 00:28:27,038
so you could hear it
in my voice?
654
00:28:27,105 --> 00:28:28,239
- Uh--
655
00:28:28,339 --> 00:28:29,708
- Or I could read it
to you right now.
656
00:28:29,774 --> 00:28:31,876
- Oh, no,
I really wouldn't like that.
657
00:28:31,943 --> 00:28:33,712
Look, it's great
that you're excited,
658
00:28:33,778 --> 00:28:36,281
but don't be too bummed if you
don't make the staff this year.
659
00:28:36,381 --> 00:28:38,249
- What?
Why would you say that?
660
00:28:38,349 --> 00:28:39,951
- It's just,
with all the freshman
661
00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:41,786
and all the upperclassmen
that are reapplying,
662
00:28:41,886 --> 00:28:44,055
uh, I don't know if there are
gonna be
663
00:28:44,122 --> 00:28:47,225
- that many female spots.
- Female spot--?
664
00:28:47,292 --> 00:28:49,127
You haven't even read
all the submissions yet.
665
00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:50,962
- It's just a really
competitive year, you know.
666
00:28:51,062 --> 00:28:52,630
A bunch of siblings of
staff members are submitting,
667
00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,599
and we already have
two women on staff, so...
668
00:28:54,699 --> 00:28:57,469
- Of, like, 15 people.
- Look, I hate it too.
669
00:28:57,569 --> 00:28:58,703
I would give anything
670
00:28:58,770 --> 00:29:00,238
for Elizabeth Warren
to be president,
671
00:29:00,305 --> 00:29:02,240
but...keep your chin up.
672
00:29:02,307 --> 00:29:03,775
You know, if you love comedy,
673
00:29:03,875 --> 00:29:06,111
there's like five other
improv troupes on campus.
674
00:29:07,645 --> 00:29:10,815
Oh, and that one group,
the Pot Stickers, is all Asian.
675
00:29:10,915 --> 00:29:12,617
So...
676
00:29:16,588 --> 00:29:19,991
So, these are for you all.
677
00:29:21,926 --> 00:29:23,895
Come on, open them.
678
00:29:23,962 --> 00:29:27,932
- Oh, my God, an iPad?
- An iPad?
679
00:29:27,999 --> 00:29:29,400
Holy Shit.
680
00:29:29,467 --> 00:29:31,603
- So it looks like
I will be staying,
681
00:29:31,669 --> 00:29:33,505
and this was my little way of
682
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:35,840
apologizing
for being such a bitch.
683
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:39,177
I should have never
called you tacky,
684
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:41,679
Podunk, new-money jock.
685
00:29:41,780 --> 00:29:45,517
- You never said that.
- I didn't? Oh.
686
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:47,252
Anyway, I really feel like
we could have
687
00:29:47,318 --> 00:29:49,287
a positive living experience
together.
688
00:29:49,354 --> 00:29:52,657
So what do you think?
689
00:29:52,757 --> 00:29:53,825
- Yeah.
- Okay.
690
00:29:53,925 --> 00:29:55,326
- Okay.
691
00:29:59,164 --> 00:30:00,365
Hi, I um...
692
00:30:00,465 --> 00:30:01,866
- Oh, sorry.
We don't want to sign
693
00:30:01,966 --> 00:30:03,034
your environment petition,
or whatever.
694
00:30:03,134 --> 00:30:05,703
- Oh, um--
- Max!
695
00:30:05,804 --> 00:30:07,272
Hey!
696
00:30:07,338 --> 00:30:10,375
- Oh, my God, this is Max,
my boyfriend.
697
00:30:10,475 --> 00:30:12,443
- The one that looks
like Shawn Mendes?
698
00:30:12,510 --> 00:30:15,013
- Shawn Mendes, people tell me
I look like that all the time.
699
00:30:15,113 --> 00:30:16,648
- What--
what are you doing here?
700
00:30:16,714 --> 00:30:18,049
- Well,
I wanted to surprise you,
701
00:30:18,149 --> 00:30:19,717
so I took the train up
from Princeton,
702
00:30:19,818 --> 00:30:21,486
and thought I could stay
with you through the weekend?
703
00:30:21,553 --> 00:30:25,323
- Of course, yes!
I'm so happy to see you.
704
00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:26,858
You got some like, food?
705
00:30:26,958 --> 00:30:30,161
I'm starving, and I left
my credit card at Princeton.
706
00:30:33,698 --> 00:30:35,700
- Hey, does anyonehave plans tonight?
707
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:36,901
I might.
708
00:30:37,001 --> 00:30:39,304
Do any of you know what
709
00:30:39,370 --> 00:30:42,373
a Drop It Like F. Scott party
is?
710
00:30:42,473 --> 00:30:45,076
- F. Scott Fitzgerald.
- Huh?
711
00:30:45,176 --> 00:30:46,978
- You basically have to look
like a '20s slut.
712
00:30:47,045 --> 00:30:49,247
- Oh, sweet.
"The Catullan" is throwing one
713
00:30:49,347 --> 00:30:50,515
for all the people submitting,
714
00:30:50,582 --> 00:30:51,883
but I don't know
if I should go.
715
00:30:51,983 --> 00:30:53,518
I ran into the editor
this morning,
716
00:30:53,585 --> 00:30:55,253
and he basically told me
there's no reason to submit
717
00:30:55,353 --> 00:30:57,856
because there won't be
any female spots this year.
718
00:30:57,922 --> 00:31:00,258
- Oh, they have
a quota for gender?
719
00:31:00,358 --> 00:31:01,492
That's insane.
720
00:31:01,559 --> 00:31:03,094
And you should definitely
report him
721
00:31:03,194 --> 00:31:06,030
to University Affairs.
Or, quite frankly, the ACLU.
722
00:31:06,097 --> 00:31:08,399
- What?
723
00:31:08,499 --> 00:31:11,069
- I'm sorry, but that's the
dumbest shit I've ever heard.
724
00:31:11,169 --> 00:31:12,604
Well, you want them
to pick you, right?
725
00:31:12,704 --> 00:31:13,838
Yeah.
726
00:31:13,905 --> 00:31:15,673
- Okay, well,
make them like you.
727
00:31:15,740 --> 00:31:18,076
Okay, like, don't be
some histrionic feminist,
728
00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:21,546
just show them you're chill
and you're fun to have around.
729
00:31:21,613 --> 00:31:24,716
I think Leighton's right.
730
00:31:26,351 --> 00:31:27,886
Girls!
731
00:31:27,952 --> 00:31:29,888
Desserts are out.
732
00:32:02,453 --> 00:32:03,788
Ryan!
733
00:32:03,888 --> 00:32:06,591
Hey, Ryan, I just want to say,
I love your work.
734
00:32:06,658 --> 00:32:09,594
- You love my work?
Let me guess.
735
00:32:09,661 --> 00:32:11,162
- Freshman.
- Yeah.
736
00:32:11,262 --> 00:32:13,798
All right, take it easy.
737
00:32:13,898 --> 00:32:16,334
- Uh, uh, uh, uh?
R--Ryan?
738
00:32:16,434 --> 00:32:19,237
I--I just want to say...
739
00:32:19,304 --> 00:32:22,974
as a woman of color,
and, uh, as a woman in comedy--
740
00:32:23,074 --> 00:32:24,509
- Hey,
let me stop you right there.
741
00:32:24,609 --> 00:32:26,744
I'm super high right now,
so whatever this is,
742
00:32:26,811 --> 00:32:28,346
it's being wasted on me.
743
00:32:28,446 --> 00:32:30,448
- Hey, I--I just want
to be part of "The Catullan."
744
00:32:30,515 --> 00:32:32,817
- That's awesome.
But it's not up to me.
745
00:32:32,917 --> 00:32:34,419
We all vote.
746
00:32:34,485 --> 00:32:36,854
So if I were you, I'd try
to get those guys on your side.
747
00:32:46,798 --> 00:32:50,368
- You did what?
- I gave six hand jobs!
748
00:32:50,468 --> 00:32:51,803
Not at the same time,
or anything,
749
00:32:51,869 --> 00:32:53,538
I'm not like a porn star.
750
00:32:53,638 --> 00:32:55,940
I talked to each of them,told them I was a writer,
751
00:32:56,007 --> 00:32:58,710
that I loved their work,and if they voted for me,
752
00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:00,678
I could be into doingsome hand stuff.
753
00:33:00,778 --> 00:33:01,813
I told them
I'm a girl who's chill,
754
00:33:01,879 --> 00:33:03,548
just like you told me to.
755
00:33:03,648 --> 00:33:06,718
- I--I definitely didn't tell
you to jerk a bunch of dicks.
756
00:33:06,818 --> 00:33:08,886
- Okay, first off,
why the shade?
757
00:33:08,987 --> 00:33:11,389
I got two things out of this.
This is a win-win for me.
758
00:33:11,489 --> 00:33:13,491
I helped my chances
of getting on "The Catullan,"
759
00:33:13,558 --> 00:33:15,226
and I got to give
a bunch of hand jobs.
760
00:33:15,326 --> 00:33:16,861
- No one likes giving
hand jobs!
761
00:33:16,961 --> 00:33:19,564
- Maybe I do.
Maybe I love it.
762
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:21,733
I've had, like,
zero sexual experiences
763
00:33:21,833 --> 00:33:23,568
for most of my sad-ass life,
764
00:33:23,668 --> 00:33:26,004
so if suddenly I'm hot enough
to have a bunch of dicks
765
00:33:26,070 --> 00:33:28,373
thrown my way,
sorry, but, I'ma crank them.
766
00:33:28,473 --> 00:33:30,174
- Ugh.
- What's going on?
767
00:33:30,241 --> 00:33:32,377
- Bela traded sex
for an opportunity.
768
00:33:32,477 --> 00:33:34,012
- Just like men have been doing
for centuries,
769
00:33:34,078 --> 00:33:35,913
- I flipped the script.
- I'm not sure you did.
770
00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:39,650
- I'm sex positive, y'all!
Deal with it.
771
00:33:39,717 --> 00:33:43,654
- As a feminist, I think
female sex positivity is great.
772
00:33:50,828 --> 00:33:53,598
- You're so beautiful.
- Thank you.
773
00:33:53,698 --> 00:33:57,235
- I like your skin tone.
- Uh, my skin tone?
774
00:33:57,335 --> 00:33:58,936
What? What did I say?
775
00:33:59,037 --> 00:34:00,772
- You sound like you have
a Black girl fetish.
776
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:03,574
- No!
- You said no really fast.
777
00:34:03,674 --> 00:34:06,577
- I mean, I do tend to find
Black women more attractive
778
00:34:06,677 --> 00:34:09,514
than other kinds of women,
but that's okay, right?
779
00:34:09,580 --> 00:34:11,416
Yeah, that's okay,
780
00:34:11,516 --> 00:34:13,951
until you're like, "Ooh,
I love your chocolatey skin."
781
00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:17,121
- I did not say chocolatey.
I know not to say that.
782
00:34:17,221 --> 00:34:21,726
- I really like you.
- Okay, good.
783
00:34:21,793 --> 00:34:23,294
I like you too.
784
00:34:23,394 --> 00:34:24,896
- If anything,
I have a soccer fetish.
785
00:34:24,962 --> 00:34:27,365
Oh, shit.
786
00:34:30,068 --> 00:34:32,437
We should go.
787
00:34:32,537 --> 00:34:35,139
- Well,
Leighton is basically Melania,
788
00:34:35,239 --> 00:34:38,142
but the rest of them
seem pretty nice.
789
00:34:38,242 --> 00:34:41,646
Oh, I'm so glad to see you.
790
00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,949
The adjustment's been
way harder than I expected.
791
00:34:45,049 --> 00:34:46,818
I didn't know how rich
everyone would be.
792
00:34:46,918 --> 00:34:48,486
- Oh,
it's the same at Princeton.
793
00:34:48,586 --> 00:34:51,489
My roommate's family brought
help on moving day.
794
00:34:51,589 --> 00:34:54,392
- Oh, my--
795
00:34:54,459 --> 00:34:57,595
- But I guess
you and I can be poor together.
796
00:35:00,898 --> 00:35:03,968
- I love you.
- I love you too.
797
00:35:19,650 --> 00:35:21,352
Everybody's asleep.
798
00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:23,421
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
799
00:35:31,863 --> 00:35:34,599
Should we...
800
00:35:34,665 --> 00:35:39,170
- I mean, only if you're ready.
- I'm so ready.
801
00:35:58,222 --> 00:36:00,725
- Is that--oh.
802
00:36:04,128 --> 00:36:05,696
Wow.
803
00:36:14,338 --> 00:36:16,474
Holy shit.
804
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:18,676
- So, I have to workuntil 10:00,
805
00:36:18,743 --> 00:36:21,245
but we can meet up for
a late breakfast after,
806
00:36:21,345 --> 00:36:22,747
if you want.
807
00:36:22,847 --> 00:36:25,216
Or we could go
to the campus store
808
00:36:25,316 --> 00:36:29,353
and get you one of those "Proud
Essex Boyfriend" T-shirts.
809
00:36:30,087 --> 00:36:32,323
What's up?
What's wrong?
810
00:36:32,390 --> 00:36:37,261
- So, I was thinking,
maybe we should both be free.
811
00:36:37,361 --> 00:36:39,897
- I totally agree.
Uh, free from what.
812
00:36:39,997 --> 00:36:42,867
Free from each other.
813
00:36:42,934 --> 00:36:46,571
- Uh,
like free from each other...
814
00:36:46,671 --> 00:36:49,540
Like, are--are you--
are you breaking up with me?
815
00:36:49,607 --> 00:36:51,909
I think of it more as me
816
00:36:52,009 --> 00:36:55,179
initiating a conversation
of our mutual independence.
817
00:36:55,246 --> 00:36:57,381
Are you fucking kidding me?
818
00:36:57,448 --> 00:37:00,017
You took my virginity,
and now you're dumping me?
819
00:37:00,084 --> 00:37:01,786
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
we took each other's virginity.
820
00:37:01,886 --> 00:37:04,121
Mine was just as fragile
as yours.
821
00:37:04,222 --> 00:37:05,623
Dude, that is fucked up.
822
00:37:05,723 --> 00:37:07,758
- Uh, can we have
some privacy, please?
823
00:37:07,858 --> 00:37:09,060
Uh, no.
824
00:37:09,126 --> 00:37:10,461
You had the common room
all last night
825
00:37:10,561 --> 00:37:12,096
with your grunty,
novice boinking
826
00:37:12,196 --> 00:37:13,965
while we were trapped
in our rooms.
827
00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:16,801
- And we had to listen to your
crappy sex playlist on repeat.
828
00:37:16,901 --> 00:37:18,469
You made me hate Ed Sheeran.
829
00:37:18,569 --> 00:37:21,606
- Is that why you came here?
To have sex and then dump me?
830
00:37:21,706 --> 00:37:24,408
- Look, I really
care about you, Kimberly.
831
00:37:24,475 --> 00:37:25,643
No, don't say anything.
832
00:37:25,743 --> 00:37:28,479
I never, ever want
to see you again.
833
00:37:33,484 --> 00:37:36,387
- Um...I am so sorry
about that,
834
00:37:36,454 --> 00:37:39,790
and I'm gonna go,
but I did forget my toothbrush.
835
00:37:39,890 --> 00:37:41,659
Put a shirt on!
836
00:37:41,759 --> 00:37:43,060
- Get the fuck out of here,
dude!
837
00:37:45,963 --> 00:37:49,166
- Hi, Bela.
Hi, Bela, hi, Bela.
838
00:37:49,267 --> 00:37:50,735
Hi, Bela.
Hi, Bela.
839
00:37:50,801 --> 00:37:52,970
I wanna--
no matter what happens,
840
00:37:53,070 --> 00:37:54,405
I want you to know that--
841
00:37:54,472 --> 00:37:56,007
No matter what,I want you to know
842
00:37:56,107 --> 00:37:57,608
that I am so proud of you.
843
00:37:57,675 --> 00:37:59,443
This is gonna be--Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela.
844
00:37:59,510 --> 00:38:01,279
No matter what happens.Hi, Bela.
845
00:38:01,345 --> 00:38:03,347
Testing, testing?
846
00:38:03,447 --> 00:38:07,918
Hi, Bela, it's you, Bela.
847
00:38:07,985 --> 00:38:11,455
Today you find out if youmake "The Catullan" or not.
848
00:38:11,522 --> 00:38:14,592
But I want you to know thatno matter what happens today,
849
00:38:14,659 --> 00:38:17,795
I'm proud of you.You're a boss bitch.
850
00:38:17,862 --> 00:38:19,363
And just remember,
851
00:38:19,463 --> 00:38:22,199
Molly Shannon didn't get"SNL" on her first try.
852
00:38:22,300 --> 00:38:24,035
Neither did Rachel Dratch.
853
00:38:24,135 --> 00:38:27,838
But eventually they all didand went on to become icons.
854
00:38:27,938 --> 00:38:30,041
And you know what?You fucking will--
855
00:38:30,141 --> 00:38:32,276
Aah!
856
00:38:32,343 --> 00:38:33,978
Yes!
857
00:38:36,047 --> 00:38:38,282
Dude, can you move? Your
reflection's in my selfie.
858
00:38:44,822 --> 00:38:47,892
- Dalton!
- Hey.
859
00:38:47,992 --> 00:38:51,529
- Hey!
Dude, are you serious?
860
00:38:51,629 --> 00:38:55,900
Are Tapitio Doritos really part
of a healthy on-season diet?
861
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:58,336
Shouldn't you be
leading by example?
862
00:38:58,402 --> 00:39:01,072
- Yeah, no, I know, I just--
- Babe.
863
00:39:01,172 --> 00:39:03,741
Babe,
is this one of your players?
864
00:39:03,841 --> 00:39:06,010
Hi, I'm Michelle.
I'm Dalton's wife.
865
00:39:06,077 --> 00:39:08,913
It's so nice to meet you.
866
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:12,917
- This is Whitney.
- Oh, my God, of course.
867
00:39:13,017 --> 00:39:14,652
I'm sorry, not to be a stalker,
or anything,
868
00:39:14,719 --> 00:39:16,487
but I'm a big fan of your mom.
869
00:39:16,554 --> 00:39:18,022
The way she gives it
to the NRA--
870
00:39:18,089 --> 00:39:22,026
- I just love her.
- Thanks, she's great.
871
00:39:22,093 --> 00:39:25,229
Yeah, I gotta go.
872
00:39:25,329 --> 00:39:28,032
But it's really nice
to put a face
873
00:39:28,099 --> 00:39:31,035
with the name
I've heard so many times.
874
00:39:31,102 --> 00:39:32,536
Bye.
875
00:39:57,862 --> 00:39:59,563
Hey!
876
00:39:59,630 --> 00:40:03,067
Did you just throw your trash
on the floor in front of him?
877
00:40:03,134 --> 00:40:04,635
- He was already sweeping
there.
878
00:40:04,735 --> 00:40:06,537
- Oh, so you just
bounce your little
879
00:40:06,604 --> 00:40:08,806
breakfast wrap wrapper
on the ground
880
00:40:08,906 --> 00:40:10,574
instead of carrying it
to the trash
881
00:40:10,641 --> 00:40:12,476
like a normal fucking person?
882
00:40:12,576 --> 00:40:13,978
What the fuck is
wrong with you?
883
00:40:14,078 --> 00:40:15,446
He's not your Goddamn servant.
884
00:40:15,546 --> 00:40:17,648
- It's not a big deal.
- Look, I get it.
885
00:40:17,748 --> 00:40:19,483
You're some asshole
from that town
886
00:40:19,583 --> 00:40:21,118
where they shot
"Big Little Lies"
887
00:40:21,218 --> 00:40:23,387
or some shit, and you wear
100 fucking dollar jeans.
888
00:40:23,454 --> 00:40:25,756
- That's not a lot of money
for jeans.
889
00:40:25,823 --> 00:40:27,057
Shut the fuck up.
890
00:40:27,124 --> 00:40:28,492
Not everyone
on this campus has money.
891
00:40:28,592 --> 00:40:30,261
Some of us have
to work these jobs
892
00:40:30,327 --> 00:40:32,329
because, even if we didn't know
it until we got here,
893
00:40:32,430 --> 00:40:33,798
we're kind of poor.
894
00:40:33,898 --> 00:40:35,800
So, yeah, maybe I don't have
the newest iPhone,
895
00:40:35,900 --> 00:40:37,902
and maybe I don't know
what couscous is,
896
00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:40,171
but I'm still a fucking person,
and so is he,
897
00:40:40,271 --> 00:40:42,773
so treat us
like we fucking matter, okay?
898
00:40:42,840 --> 00:40:45,176
Okay, fine.
899
00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:46,677
I'm sorry.
900
00:40:48,746 --> 00:40:51,782
- And no pants should cost
more than $40.
901
00:40:51,849 --> 00:40:53,751
I agree with you, bitch.
902
00:40:56,987 --> 00:40:59,690
- Oh, my God.
This donut is insane.
903
00:40:59,790 --> 00:41:01,125
Do you want a bite?
904
00:41:01,192 --> 00:41:03,194
- Uh, no thanks.
I don't eat for enjoyment.
905
00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:06,197
- Leighton, sup?
- Hi.
906
00:41:06,297 --> 00:41:07,531
You remember Cory, right?
907
00:41:07,631 --> 00:41:09,200
From the party
at Montauk last summer?
908
00:41:09,300 --> 00:41:12,036
- Uh, we were on the same team
for flag football.
909
00:41:12,136 --> 00:41:13,370
Montauk? Flag football?
910
00:41:13,471 --> 00:41:16,040
That's the whitest shit
I've ever heard.
911
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:18,776
- I mean that as a compliment.
- Oh.
912
00:41:18,843 --> 00:41:21,045
- Hey, if you need
a tour around campus,
913
00:41:21,145 --> 00:41:23,514
or something, let me know.
914
00:41:23,614 --> 00:41:25,216
Okay, thanks.
915
00:41:25,316 --> 00:41:27,485
- Does that offer include me?
- No, it definitely does not.
916
00:41:27,551 --> 00:41:29,286
Hey, um, I know we just met,
917
00:41:29,353 --> 00:41:30,788
but would you be willing
to lift your shirt up
918
00:41:30,855 --> 00:41:33,224
and show me your torso?
919
00:41:33,324 --> 00:41:35,559
- I don't think anyone's
ever asked me that before.
920
00:41:36,827 --> 00:41:38,829
Excuse me.
921
00:41:38,896 --> 00:41:41,732
- Ho-ho! That's great.
You're very nice.
922
00:41:41,832 --> 00:41:44,068
- Hey, if you and your
roommates are free tonight,
923
00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:46,070
we're throwing a party
at Theta Pi Delta.
924
00:41:46,170 --> 00:41:49,807
- You should stop by.
- Yeah, stop by.
925
00:41:52,376 --> 00:41:56,213
- Oh, my God, Leighton,
you're gonna fuck a ten!
926
00:41:56,313 --> 00:41:57,648
Wow!
927
00:42:02,186 --> 00:42:03,654
Out of these beds,
motherfuckers,
928
00:42:03,721 --> 00:42:05,556
because
our suite just got invited
929
00:42:05,656 --> 00:42:07,758
to an upperclassmen party.
930
00:42:07,858 --> 00:42:10,694
- I don't know about that.
Uh, today was really shitty.
931
00:42:10,761 --> 00:42:12,096
I'm just gonna stay in
932
00:42:12,196 --> 00:42:13,898
and finish this
sad Brazilian documentary
933
00:42:13,998 --> 00:42:15,432
about a snake who ate a boy.
934
00:42:15,533 --> 00:42:17,935
Yeah, I'm staying in too.
935
00:42:18,035 --> 00:42:19,570
- No, no, no, no, no.
Turn them off.
936
00:42:19,670 --> 00:42:21,205
We're going out.
937
00:42:21,272 --> 00:42:24,008
- How, exactly, did we get
invited to this party anyway?
938
00:42:24,074 --> 00:42:26,410
- Oh, Leighton's smoke show
brother, Nico.
939
00:42:26,510 --> 00:42:29,446
And his somehow
even hotter friend Cory,
940
00:42:29,547 --> 00:42:30,881
who wants to rail Leighton.
941
00:42:30,948 --> 00:42:33,551
- Yeah, I really, really
don't want to go.
942
00:42:33,617 --> 00:42:36,253
Kimberly.
943
00:42:36,353 --> 00:42:37,521
Sweetie.
944
00:42:37,588 --> 00:42:39,390
Your boyfriend Max
fucking sucked.
945
00:42:39,456 --> 00:42:40,958
He ate
all our Nutri-Grain bars,
946
00:42:41,058 --> 00:42:42,860
and I'm pretty sure
he used my loofa.
947
00:42:42,927 --> 00:42:46,096
I know he was your first love,
and your first, you know,
948
00:42:46,196 --> 00:42:47,698
dick,
949
00:42:47,765 --> 00:42:49,033
but he was a dud.
950
00:42:49,099 --> 00:42:51,035
- Also, he shed on the sofa
like a cat.
951
00:42:51,101 --> 00:42:53,470
- The dude was a yeti.
- Ugh.
952
00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:56,473
- Look,
we don't have power over
953
00:42:56,574 --> 00:42:58,208
when guys treat us like shit.
954
00:42:58,275 --> 00:43:00,811
But what we can control is
how much we let it affect us.
955
00:43:00,911 --> 00:43:02,980
I think Hillary Clinton
said that.
956
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:08,085
So, I say the four of us
go out, get tanked,
957
00:43:08,152 --> 00:43:09,787
and, who knows,
maybe we'll end up meeting
958
00:43:09,887 --> 00:43:11,755
a guy who doesn't treat us
like garbage.
959
00:43:11,822 --> 00:43:13,424
Or not.
It doesn't matter.
960
00:43:13,490 --> 00:43:15,492
At least we'll be having fun.
961
00:43:15,593 --> 00:43:17,628
What do you think?
962
00:43:17,728 --> 00:43:20,831
- Come on, come on,
come on, come on!
963
00:43:20,931 --> 00:43:23,167
Yes!
Yes!
964
00:43:23,267 --> 00:43:26,070
Yeah, she does!
965
00:43:26,136 --> 00:43:28,439
We're gonna go out!
966
00:43:56,834 --> 00:43:58,335
It's freezing.
967
00:43:58,435 --> 00:44:00,104
I wish you had let me wear
my anorak like I had wanted.
968
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:02,039
- No one in the history
of the world has gotten laid
969
00:44:02,139 --> 00:44:03,874
wearing an anorak.
970
00:44:05,342 --> 00:44:07,444
Nico!
971
00:44:07,511 --> 00:44:11,015
- Yo, let those girls through.
- Yeah, ha-ha!
972
00:44:11,115 --> 00:44:15,052
- Oh, goddamn it, you know,
I left my phone in the room.
973
00:44:15,152 --> 00:44:16,620
I'm gonna go back and get it.
974
00:44:16,687 --> 00:44:18,389
- No, no, no, no, no,
it's fine, just use mine.
975
00:44:18,489 --> 00:44:19,556
- No, it's okay,
I'll be right back.
976
00:44:19,657 --> 00:44:20,824
- Do you want us
to wait for you?
977
00:44:20,891 --> 00:44:22,826
- No, it is fine.
Go in, go in.
978
00:44:22,893 --> 00:44:25,162
- Let's go,
my tits are freezing off.
979
00:44:35,539 --> 00:44:39,476
- Wow.
980
00:44:39,543 --> 00:44:43,380
- I can't believe we got in here.
- I fucking love college.
981
00:44:53,357 --> 00:44:54,758
Oh, shit.
982
00:44:54,858 --> 00:44:57,561
Those two girls from
"The Catullan" are over there.
983
00:44:57,661 --> 00:44:58,996
Oh, go say hi.
984
00:44:59,063 --> 00:45:00,764
- Not yet, I'm gonna play cool
for a little bit.
985
00:45:00,864 --> 00:45:02,366
Gotta keep it chill.
986
00:45:02,433 --> 00:45:04,535
- Dude, can you stop looking?
- I'm not looking at them.
987
00:45:04,601 --> 00:45:06,537
- Just keep your head
facing forward.
988
00:45:06,603 --> 00:45:08,505
Okay, fine!
989
00:45:10,040 --> 00:45:12,109
Next.
990
00:45:12,209 --> 00:45:14,411
- Oh, no, I'm sorry.
These are open containers.
991
00:45:14,511 --> 00:45:16,213
So?
992
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:17,381
- So someone could have put
something in it.
993
00:45:17,448 --> 00:45:18,749
Do you have a bottle or a can?
994
00:45:18,849 --> 00:45:20,284
Oh, sure.
995
00:45:20,384 --> 00:45:22,186
This frat party has a wide
variety of drink options.
996
00:45:22,252 --> 00:45:24,088
Do you want to see a wine list?
997
00:45:24,188 --> 00:45:27,124
- I--I think you're being
sarcastic, but I'm not sure.
998
00:45:27,224 --> 00:45:28,692
- These are great.
Thank you so much.
999
00:45:28,759 --> 00:45:30,427
We're gonna go.
Thanks.
1000
00:45:34,131 --> 00:45:35,966
crowd: Chug, chug,
1001
00:45:36,066 --> 00:45:43,474
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
1002
00:45:43,574 --> 00:45:44,908
Whoa!
1003
00:45:47,044 --> 00:45:48,812
Oh, my God, are you okay?
1004
00:45:48,912 --> 00:45:50,380
- Yeah, uh...
- Let me get you some napkins.
1005
00:45:50,447 --> 00:45:51,982
No, no, I just want to leave.
1006
00:45:52,082 --> 00:45:53,317
I shouldn't have
even come here.
1007
00:45:53,417 --> 00:45:54,651
- Do you want us
to come with you?
1008
00:45:54,752 --> 00:45:58,322
- No,
I really want to be alone.
1009
00:46:01,725 --> 00:46:03,160
Hey.
1010
00:46:03,260 --> 00:46:04,762
I know you, right?
1011
00:46:04,828 --> 00:46:06,497
- Yeah,
I live with your sister.
1012
00:46:06,597 --> 00:46:09,633
- No, not that.
I saw you on move-in day.
1013
00:46:09,733 --> 00:46:11,101
You were checking me out.
1014
00:46:11,168 --> 00:46:13,070
- Me?
I was not checking you out.
1015
00:46:13,904 --> 00:46:16,173
I mean, I might have been
looking at you,
1016
00:46:16,273 --> 00:46:18,008
and, yes, might eyes might have
lingered on your body,
1017
00:46:18,108 --> 00:46:20,744
but that's like a totally
normal human reaction
1018
00:46:20,811 --> 00:46:22,112
to a shirtless man running.
1019
00:46:22,179 --> 00:46:23,614
I definitely was not
checking you out.
1020
00:46:23,680 --> 00:46:26,416
- Whoa, whoa, I'm just messing
with you, relax.
1021
00:46:26,483 --> 00:46:28,919
- Are you leaving?
- I am.
1022
00:46:28,986 --> 00:46:30,954
Wow, is our party that bad
1023
00:46:31,021 --> 00:46:32,523
that even freshmen are leaving
this early?
1024
00:46:32,623 --> 00:46:35,259
- No, I'm just having
a really shitty day.
1025
00:46:35,325 --> 00:46:37,361
Well, what's going on?
1026
00:46:37,461 --> 00:46:40,330
- I wanted to wear my anorak,
and no one would let me.
1027
00:46:40,430 --> 00:46:41,865
And now I'm covered
in pumpkin ale,
1028
00:46:41,965 --> 00:46:43,667
and my stupid fucking boyfriend
dumped me,
1029
00:46:43,767 --> 00:46:47,004
And I'm pretty sure he stole
my deodorant before leaving.
1030
00:46:47,104 --> 00:46:51,141
- Jesus Christ.
- I know.
1031
00:46:51,208 --> 00:46:52,843
- Have a nice night.
- Hey, wait.
1032
00:46:52,943 --> 00:46:54,511
I can help with this.
1033
00:46:54,611 --> 00:46:56,446
Why don't I grab you
something dry to wear,
1034
00:46:56,513 --> 00:47:00,017
and you can stay, and
Theta can save a little face.
1035
00:47:01,985 --> 00:47:04,788
- Yeah.
Yeah, okay, I can do that.
1036
00:47:04,855 --> 00:47:05,956
Deal.
1037
00:47:07,224 --> 00:47:08,959
Wow, I'm really smelling
the beer on you now.
1038
00:47:09,026 --> 00:47:10,861
- I think a bunch of it
got into my bra.
1039
00:47:10,961 --> 00:47:13,197
Let me grab you that shirt.
1040
00:47:21,572 --> 00:47:23,974
Hey, it's me, Bela.
1041
00:47:24,041 --> 00:47:25,909
Made the first cut
of "The Catullan."
1042
00:47:26,009 --> 00:47:28,412
I'm really excited to work
with you guys.
1043
00:47:28,512 --> 00:47:30,981
Us girls in comedy gotta
stick together, right?
1044
00:47:31,048 --> 00:47:33,684
Blow me, freshman slut.
1045
00:47:35,519 --> 00:47:37,254
- Maybe you should have
checked first
1046
00:47:37,354 --> 00:47:40,991
to see if any of those guys
you jerked off had girlfriends.
1047
00:47:44,428 --> 00:47:45,896
- You know,
my friends and I used
1048
00:47:45,996 --> 00:47:47,397
to steal shit from Walgreen's
all the time.
1049
00:47:47,497 --> 00:47:49,333
- My dad would not
be happy about that.
1050
00:47:49,399 --> 00:47:50,934
- Hey.
- Hey.
1051
00:47:51,034 --> 00:47:54,037
- Sorry, can we go?
- Oh, sure, is everything okay?
1052
00:47:54,104 --> 00:47:57,341
- Yeah, totally, party's lame,
just want to go.
1053
00:47:57,407 --> 00:48:00,043
- Sorry.
- Oh, it's all good.
1054
00:48:00,110 --> 00:48:01,578
Another time.
1055
00:48:01,678 --> 00:48:03,347
- Should we grab
Whitney and Leighton?
1056
00:48:03,413 --> 00:48:04,948
- Whitney said she wants
to stay,
1057
00:48:05,048 --> 00:48:07,684
and Leighton didn't come back.
She totally blew us off.
1058
00:48:07,751 --> 00:48:09,686
- Mm.
Let's go.
1059
00:48:09,753 --> 00:48:11,021
Thank you.
1060
00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:14,291
- Hey, I'm Whitney.
- Canaan.
1061
00:48:14,391 --> 00:48:16,293
- Canaan?
- Yes, Canaan.
1062
00:48:16,393 --> 00:48:17,694
Is your mom religious
1063
00:48:17,761 --> 00:48:19,630
or just super
into towns of Connecticut?
1064
00:48:19,730 --> 00:48:22,099
Can't it be both?
1065
00:48:22,199 --> 00:48:23,300
What dorm you in?
1066
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:25,569
- No.
- Excuse me?
1067
00:48:25,636 --> 00:48:27,471
- Neither of us care
what dorm I'm in.
1068
00:48:27,571 --> 00:48:30,641
- I want to see your room.
- What?
1069
00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:34,645
- Show me
what your room looks like.
1070
00:48:34,745 --> 00:48:37,748
- Oh!
Oh, you trying to fuck.
1071
00:48:37,814 --> 00:48:40,651
Oh, yeah, yeah,
let's show you the room.
1072
00:48:40,751 --> 00:48:43,754
- Damn, I must look good tonight.
- You're all right.
1073
00:49:12,449 --> 00:49:15,419
- Another.
- Sure.
1074
00:49:57,894 --> 00:50:01,898
- You're so hot.
- No talking.
1075
00:50:01,999 --> 00:50:03,900
Get on the bed.
1076
00:51:39,096 --> 00:51:40,597
Go to bed.
77504
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