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1
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Dugdale... is interested.
2
00:00:02,351 --> 00:00:03,780
- In the house?!
- Yes!
3
00:00:03,781 --> 00:00:06,379
- Really? Did he say that?!
- Really!
4
00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:09,720
I'll give you a tour
of the upstairs now.
5
00:00:12,440 --> 00:00:14,279
- Oh!
- You numpty...
6
00:00:14,280 --> 00:00:16,919
- You're writing a children's book?
- Trying to, yes.
7
00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,439
- What's it about?
- It's going to be about a family of animals
8
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,319
trying to make sense of everything,
9
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,399
but realising that they haven't
got a clue, and never will!
10
00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,399
Sounds a bit like us!
11
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,560
Does it? Gosh, no!
12
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:55,000
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
13
00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,439
Did you, er, put up
a sign here last time?
14
00:01:03,440 --> 00:01:07,679
- I did.
- So you just work for the same firm all the time?
15
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,919
I'll work for anyone, I know no shame.
16
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,319
Oh... 'cos this is my third attempt.
17
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:14,119
- Third agent?
- Yeah.
18
00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:15,519
You're just a beginner.
19
00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:17,840
There's plenty more out there.
20
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,760
I look forward to it...
21
00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,039
- Morning.
- Ah, morning.
22
00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,199
Oh... look at you!
23
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,719
You beautiful thing!
24
00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:48,959
He likes to pay his respects.
25
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,399
Oh, dog's graves.
26
00:01:51,400 --> 00:01:53,319
A very old one.
27
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:55,199
You a church-goer?
28
00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,519
- Used to be.
- Not any more?
29
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,799
Not until the Church accepts
that all animals have souls.
30
00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,399
Well, they'd never let
us bury our dogs here now.
31
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,639
Soul health and safety, eh?
32
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,239
- Well, you've got a cat.
- Deidre.
33
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:11,800
- With a soul?
- Oh, in abundance, yes.
34
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,519
We are far too arrogant
about all other species.
35
00:02:15,520 --> 00:02:19,039
I mean, we are just another -
albeit, very ingenious - animal.
36
00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,799
Amen to that. I better mention
it to the new estate agent
37
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:24,399
I spent the morning with.
38
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:26,119
- Was he difficult?
- Pompous!
39
00:02:26,120 --> 00:02:29,959
Pompous in a way that
animals never are, you know?
40
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:33,679
Just too... too
self-important to listen.
41
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,600
Yap, yap, yap, yap...
42
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:47,999
Well, good morning, everyone.
Thank you for coming along,
43
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:51,799
all ready to contribute to
the live performing arts, eh?
44
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:54,959
And nothing could be more
live than Methuselah...
45
00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,599
the amazing, singing crocodile.
46
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,399
Actually, he's got a terrible
voice. He only gets away with it
47
00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:02,679
because of his novelty value, you know?
48
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,239
Anyway, Methuselah's now going
to give you a fantastic rendition
49
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:10,879
of the classic rock song,
Good Golly, Miss Molly.
50
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:12,600
And... go!
51
00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:19,719
♪ Sweet Molly who lives at
the foot of the hill... ♪
52
00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,639
No, no. No, no, no. No. Wrong Molly.
53
00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:27,039
I'm talking about the classic
rock song: Good Golly, Miss Molly.
54
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,559
OK? Go!
55
00:03:28,560 --> 00:03:32,319
I don't do rock and
roll, it's beneath me.
56
00:03:32,320 --> 00:03:34,319
Can you believe this?!
57
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,279
- I have my pride.
- Just get on with it!
58
00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:40,919
We're going to lose
this lovely audience!
59
00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:45,039
♪ In Dublin's fair city where
the girls are so pretty ♪
60
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:48,439
♪ Twas there I first met
with sweet Molly Malone... ♪
61
00:03:48,440 --> 00:03:51,119
Molly Malone? Who's Molly Malone?!
62
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,999
Would you just get on with it!
63
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,719
♪ As she drove her wheelbarrow
through streets... ♪
64
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:57,479
- Would you shut him up?!
- I can't.
65
00:03:57,480 --> 00:03:59,799
Once he's made his mind up, I can't.
66
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,399
♪ Singing cockles and mussels ♪
♪ Alive, alive, oh ♪
67
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:07,039
♪ Alive, alive, oh! Alive, alive, oh! ♪
68
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:10,959
♪ Saying, cockles and
mussels, alive, alive, oh... ♪
69
00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:14,279
A-a-a-a-a-rgh-h-h-h... !
70
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:17,550
Your doctor says
71
00:04:17,551 --> 00:04:20,079
your mother has severe
mobility problems,
72
00:04:20,080 --> 00:04:22,559
has almost entirely
lost the power of speech,
73
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:25,519
and is subject to fits
of uncontrollable rage.
74
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:26,919
Good grief!
75
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,160
That sounds really bad, doesn't it?
76
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:33,039
Erm... I mean, when
you say it like that...
77
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,919
- I presume you don't have a regular job?
- No.
78
00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:39,199
- Erm, I did do, but I had to give it up.
- To look after your mother?
79
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,439
Yeah! Yeah... yeah.
80
00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,319
... a-a-a-a-a-a-a-rgh!
81
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,440
... a-a-a-rgh!
82
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,199
What happened to you? Have
you completely lost it?
83
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:02,839
Mrs Pool.
84
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,679
- Who's she?
- She's the head honcho from social services.
85
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:07,439
She was staring at me.
86
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,199
Did she give us anything?
87
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:12,079
She recognised me from when I
pretended that Queenie was my mum,
88
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:13,999
and I applied to be her carer.
89
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,079
Ah, see, that was another
great idea of mine...
90
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:17,919
... that you managed to balls up.
91
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:21,479
I could be prosecuted! What if
she thinks I'm sane and normal?
92
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,839
- Roger... nobody is going to think that of you.
- Ah...
93
00:05:24,840 --> 00:05:26,879
That's right, yeah, no-one.
94
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,639
No-one's going to think that.
95
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:30,999
Would you put that damn thing away?
96
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,359
What did we take?
97
00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,959
ã8.20p.
98
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,999
Stingy sods!
99
00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:39,639
That's not enough for
Wendy's alimony, is it? No.
100
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:43,879
Poor Roger! Poor, poor Roger!
101
00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:45,759
Oh, good morning, Mrs Pool!
102
00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:47,439
Helen! Bright and early.
103
00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:49,919
Yes. Well, I came in a bit early
'cos I was hoping to leave a bit...
104
00:05:49,920 --> 00:05:51,199
Not now, Helen.
105
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:52,999
Maybe later in the day.
106
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,119
We had this middle-aged
man here last year,
107
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,799
who wanted to care for his mother,
108
00:05:56,800 --> 00:06:00,279
and as I recall, the family
situation was rather complex.
109
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,759
I've just seen him by the
river, busking with an older man
110
00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,559
and this... crocodile,
it was rather bothering.
111
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,919
Felicity told me about
the crocodile man.
112
00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,360
Apparently, that whole
family's a bit SCARY.
113
00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:16,599
- This is Edith, my mum.
- Hello, Edith!
114
00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,879
Roger has to carry me to the lavatory.
115
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:22,359
Yes. Normally, she's just
completely incontinent.
116
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,519
Roger, your mother's insisting
she's Queenie, the cleaning lady.
117
00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:27,119
Mum! Don't say that.
118
00:06:27,120 --> 00:06:30,879
I'm not your mum, and I can't
honestly say I'm altogether sorry.
119
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,839
Roger, I wonder if care in the
home would be adequate in this case?
120
00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:35,039
I think it is.
121
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:37,079
You see how fickle men are.
122
00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,639
When he thinks I'm Edith,
he wants to marry me.
123
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,359
When he thinks I'm a
cleaning lady, he doesn't.
124
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,399
Night-night, Felicity.
125
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,279
It was because of that
family she decided to leave!
126
00:06:48,280 --> 00:06:50,999
That's an excellent example
for you of why it's vital for us
127
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,879
to remain impartial.
128
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,039
Compassionate... but impartial.
129
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,959
I know it's not always easy.
130
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,279
Felicity's report has
to be here somewhere...
131
00:06:59,280 --> 00:07:01,759
She said they were all a bit quirky.
132
00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,879
Quirky? If that was our
yardstick for not helping people,
133
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,560
we'd help no-one. Ah, here we are.
134
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,080
Roger Stevens.
135
00:07:12,320 --> 00:07:14,559
Ah... Auntie Joan.
136
00:07:14,560 --> 00:07:15,959
You're still here?
137
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,720
I shall ignore that little jibe.
138
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,759
I've been on my own all
day. Where is everybody?
139
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:25,359
- Out.
- Ah.
140
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:26,919
Shopping, I expect?
141
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:29,479
There's an awful lot of shopping
goes on in this household.
142
00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:32,119
I'm beginning to think
your mother's avoiding me.
143
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,679
What would she do that?
144
00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,559
Roger, be a good chap.
Make a cup of tea?
145
00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,119
Some toast?
146
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:41,679
I'm famished!
147
00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,359
- I think I've lost weight since I've been here.
- Hm...
148
00:07:45,360 --> 00:07:49,599
It's that muesli your mother buys,
it's making holes in my stomach.
149
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,999
It's like eating broken crockery.
150
00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:56,279
You found a job yet?
151
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,879
Oh, thanks for asking.
152
00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,439
A couple of years in the Army
would have sorted you out.
153
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,879
Yeah, I could have a
gun to shoot myself with.
154
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,119
Cleaning out the latrines.
155
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:08,279
A tour of duty... under heavy fire...
156
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,599
... in some pitiless desert somewhere.
157
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,719
Huh!
158
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,079
Hello, who's speaking?
159
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,879
Good morning. My name is Helen Redfern,
160
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:25,199
I'm calling from the
social services department.
161
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,679
- May I speak to Mr Roger Stevens, please?
- Mr Stevens isn't here.
162
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,119
He's in Brazil.
163
00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:31,826
- Brazil?
- Yeah. Yeah, you know...
164
00:08:31,827 --> 00:08:32,999
where the nuts come from.
165
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:36,719
But he's just been seen
performing in Twickenham?
166
00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:38,759
Er... yeah. That... that... Yes.
167
00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:41,599
But then... he had to go to Brazil...
168
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,399
... er, urgently.
169
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,839
Erm... oh! What did you want with him?
170
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,519
We've been reviewing Mr Stevens'
application to be a carer
171
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,839
for his mother, and we've decided
that he might after all be eligible.
172
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:55,519
What? We're looking back at cases
where applicants may have been
173
00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:58,479
put off by the bureaucracy,
or are reluctant to accept help
174
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,559
because they feel they don't deserve it.
175
00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:03,759
And you think that... that... that
Roger might still stand a chance?
176
00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,159
Well, subject to
further interview, maybe.
177
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:10,999
- Another interview?
- Since Mr Stevens is in Brazil...
178
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:12,919
No, no, no! Wait, wait. Erm...
179
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:15,679
Oh, yeah! I think he said
he's coming back tomorrow.
180
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,000
Let me just check. Yes, definitely.
181
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:21,039
Tomorrow?
182
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:24,839
- Yeah, well, it was an emergency visit.
- Right, OK.
183
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,680
I'll call again in two days' time.
184
00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:30,919
How did that go?
185
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:32,720
Erm...
186
00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:36,599
That was Derek. Yeah... Old friend.
187
00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:38,200
Cor, what a joker!
188
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,840
- Roger.
- What?
189
00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,960
Go to the chemist and
get me some corn pads.
190
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:50,520
Corn pads?
191
00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:05,959
Look at this!
192
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,799
- This is Wendy!
- Wendy?
193
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:11,559
Well, she's done it,
she's written her book!
194
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:14,919
- Good Lord!
- I TOLD you she'd been going to the zoo,
195
00:10:14,920 --> 00:10:17,359
doing research for a children's book.
196
00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,559
- Well, do they have lemmings at the zoo?
- Oh, come on!
197
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:22,439
Let's go and cheer her on.
198
00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:25,039
They'd have to keep
replacing them, wouldn't they?
199
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,919
- Do you read a lot?
- Yes.
200
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,079
- What's your name?
- Ophelia.
201
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:30,959
Ophelia...
202
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,999
... thank you for buying my
book. I hope you enjoy it.
203
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,159
And I hope it's not patronising.
204
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,079
Oh, well... I hope it's not, too.
205
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,519
- Is it an allegory?
- Well, er...
206
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:41,799
... probably.
207
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,080
Mm.
208
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,719
Wendy, congratulations!
209
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,799
- Edith!
- Phil!
210
00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:52,719
- Very good! Very good indeed.
- Thank you.
211
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:56,439
Now, lemmings have got a tendency
to commit collective suicide
212
00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,279
- by throwing themselves off cliffs, right?
- That's what people think.
213
00:10:59,280 --> 00:11:02,199
Well, it's perfect bedtime
reading for small children.
214
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,319
- It's a fallacy.
- It's not true?
215
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,439
No, they're just migrating
in search of food.
216
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,679
They don't go looking for the
edge of a cliff on purpose,
217
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:11,719
but if one happens sometimes
to lie on their path...
218
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:13,559
But isn't that a bit of a disappointment
219
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:15,359
for a bloodthirsty seven-year-old?
220
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:17,119
Phil, buy several copies.
221
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,039
Oh, no. Phil, don't. It's for kids.
222
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:20,839
Erm... it's absolutely not for you.
223
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:22,359
Not at all, so...
224
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,439
Several copies? I don't have any cash.
225
00:11:24,440 --> 00:11:25,879
Well, use your credit card.
226
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,319
Phil, really, honestly,
I'll bring a copy round.
227
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,239
- Ah, so you found a publisher?
- Yes...
228
00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:32,879
... me!
229
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:35,519
You published it? Is that difficult?
230
00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,999
Erm, well, not really. Sandra helped me.
231
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,719
Oh! Sandra lent you the money, did she?
232
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:42,839
- Has she told you?
- No, no, I guessed.
233
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,359
- So, did you get a good rate?
- Phil.
234
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:46,079
- Hm?
- Buy ten copies.
235
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:49,679
- Ten?!
- Yes, Christmas presents. Absolutely perfect!
236
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,279
- But we've just had Christmas...
- Yes, well, there's another one
237
00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:54,759
- just around the corner.
- Oh, yes, that's true.
238
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:57,519
Yes, I forgot about
that one. All right...
239
00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,119
Wendy, this is wonderful!
240
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:01,999
- I'm so impressed. I do hope it goes well for you.
- Oh!
241
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,199
Thank you, Edith. Yes...
242
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:06,600
- ... JK Rowling, watch out!
- Ooh!
243
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:16,999
- Good grief!
- What is it?
244
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:19,439
Well, this is all about us.
245
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:21,919
- I thought it was about lemmings?
- No, no, no. It's about us,
246
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:26,359
extremely thinly disguised
as Mr and Mrs Lemming.
247
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,039
Listen, "Evie and Bill Lemming
decide to move to somewhere
248
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:34,279
warm and sunny where
the kitchen isn't damp."
249
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,239
My kitchen isn't damp!
250
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,119
Well, that's poetic licence.
251
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,799
"The return of the prodigal.
252
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:43,059
Podger Lemming, the most
unreliable member of the family,
253
00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:48,359
leaves his wife and children and
goes back to live with his mum, Evie."
254
00:12:48,360 --> 00:12:50,119
Good heavens!
255
00:12:50,120 --> 00:12:52,959
And it goes on. Look, this
is a serious bit, er...
256
00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,439
"Podger Lemming, with the
help of his dodgy friend,
257
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:59,279
Baz the Burglar Lemming, tries
to cheat the social services
258
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:02,120
and become a carer for his
mother, who doesn't need one."
259
00:13:03,360 --> 00:13:05,879
- She doesn't have much imagination, does she?
- No, no...
260
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:08,999
But what if the social
services get wind of this?
261
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,999
- Do you think she's done it on purpose?
- Well, it's possible.
262
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,359
I mean, Roger does bring out
263
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,519
the most primitive
urges for retribution.
264
00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:18,599
- What are we going to do?
- Well, hire a lawyer, spend a fortune
265
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,619
and get nowhere, or...
266
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:23,799
... do nothing and hope
that the Lemming Family
267
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,519
just sinks without trace.
268
00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:28,599
Which is probably what will
happen, because, thankfully, it's...
269
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,959
... REALLY badly written.
270
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,599
Do they all run off a cliff in the end?
271
00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,199
Sadly, no.
272
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:36,599
Oh, why did she have to do
this? Why couldn't it be a nice,
273
00:13:36,600 --> 00:13:40,599
little children's book about
penguins and kittens and butterflies?
274
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:42,479
I don't know.
275
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:46,359
Still, on a cheerier note,
I've had an offer on the house.
276
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,519
Really?! Phil! From Jack Dugdale?
277
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,479
No, no. But full asking price.
278
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:52,839
The trouble is, there's a chain.
279
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:56,039
- But still, it's an offer. Things could be on the up!
- Yeah.
280
00:13:56,040 --> 00:13:59,039
Yeah. The only thing
we have to do now...
281
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,839
... is to get rid of your sister.
282
00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:05,839
I mean, if I killed her, maybe Wendy
could write a whodunnit about it.
283
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,119
No, it wouldn't work, too many suspects.
284
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,239
Oh, the trouble with Joan is she
doesn't want to be on her own.
285
00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,359
She couldn't cope. Not any more.
286
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:16,799
Neither can we.
287
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,439
Not after six weeks.
288
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,959
I know.
289
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:22,319
First, Roger...
290
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,799
... then Joan, then a plague of lemming.
291
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,039
Darling, we've got to escape...
292
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:32,640
... before the waters
close in over our heads.
293
00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,359
Mum... I've some good news!
294
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,359
Have you, dear? Where's Joan?
295
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,839
Oh, she went back to bed.
296
00:14:54,840 --> 00:14:57,479
Erm, she thinks you're trying to
kill her off with inferior muesli.
297
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,279
Oh for goodness' sake!
298
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,599
Muesli would not be MY weapon of choice.
299
00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,599
I'd make her a nice
barbed-wire omelette.
300
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,679
The good news is... I got a call
from the social services office.
301
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:09,639
Oh, no! What about?
302
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:12,399
Well, they've decided, after
all, that I might be eligible
303
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,799
- to be a carer.
- What?
304
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,639
A carer? What, for me?!
305
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,279
Yes, well, they're trying
to encourage people who might
306
00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,759
otherwise be ashamed to ask.
307
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,919
Well, that hardly
applies to you, does it?
308
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,399
It's out of the question. We are
not going through all that again!
309
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,039
You'd be languishing somewhere
at Her Majesty's pleasure
310
00:15:29,040 --> 00:15:30,239
if it wasn't for us.
311
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,319
Well, they got in touch with
me, I didn't do anything.
312
00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,519
No! The answer is no.
313
00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:36,839
Well, they're coming round
to see us on Friday morning.
314
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:38,839
- You invited them?
- They insisted.
315
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:43,199
Look, if you're determined to pursue
a career as a professional liar,
316
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,199
then at least try to make SOME
of your lies slightly credible.
317
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,559
That would get you off
to a really good start
318
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,519
- Call them back and tell them.
- Tell them what?
319
00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:54,599
Tell them your mother doesn't need
a carer, and she's not prepared to
320
00:15:54,600 --> 00:15:56,639
lie about it on your behalf!
321
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:59,219
- And she doesn't need one.
- Well, she doesn't have to...
322
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:00,275
... Queenie'll do that.
323
00:16:00,276 --> 00:16:02,119
- Queenie?
- Queenie's involved?!
324
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,879
Yeah, I gave her a
call, she's coming round.
325
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,719
- Oh!
- Look...
326
00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,479
- Listen...
- No!
327
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,519
And take that jigsaw off the table!
328
00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:12,599
- It's a Van Gogh!
- I don't care what it is, it can't stay there.
329
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,679
- Well, we can put a cloth over it.
- No, we can't.
330
00:16:14,680 --> 00:16:16,399
Well, it's too big to put anywhere else.
331
00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:18,279
Then you shouldn't have got it!
332
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:20,879
Well, I didn't know it
was going to be this big!
333
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,399
- He went mad, you know?
- What?!
334
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,425
Van Gogh, he went mad.
335
00:16:24,426 --> 00:16:26,639
Is it any wonder?
336
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,239
I got an SOS from Roger. What's up?
337
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:32,759
- What, he hasn't told you?
- Sounded like good news.
338
00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,319
Social services have come back,
they want to make me a carer.
339
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,039
I'm not impersonating Edith again,
if that's what you're thinking.
340
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,519
Thank you, Queenie.
341
00:16:40,520 --> 00:16:43,519
Listen, it... it wouldn't be
for long, half an hour at most.
342
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,839
- No!
- But they're on my side this time!
343
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,039
It'll be like pushing at an open door.
344
00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,559
You've got to admire his
sheer, dogged denial of reality,
345
00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:54,119
haven't you, yeah, this...
346
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:57,239
... pure boneheadedness.
It's a rare quality.
347
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:58,439
It's fraud!
348
00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:01,119
Mum... Mum, I need the income!
349
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,399
I'm paying alimony,
it's a... it's a killer.
350
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,759
This would be perfect!
351
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:07,439
- Don't be daft, Roger.
- Out of the question.
352
00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,679
- Hello, Queenie.
- Oh, hello, Joan.
353
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,479
- How are you?
- Dreadful. I don't know why I bother.
354
00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:15,199
Nobody else seems to.
355
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,679
Oh!
356
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,399
Van Gogh. Didn't he cut his ear off?
357
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:22,079
Yes, he did. Do you know
anything else about it?
358
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,799
Should I?
359
00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,759
Corn pads, two packs.
360
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,279
Oh... and some laxatives.
Just mention my name.
361
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:32,479
I'll be watching the telly. Not
that there's anything TO watch.
362
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,692
I don't know why they took
the sheep dog trials off,
363
00:17:34,693 --> 00:17:36,239
I used to love that.
364
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,679
Edith...
365
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:40,919
... let me know if I can give
you any advice on how to turn
366
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:44,199
all that shopping into something...
367
00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:45,560
... edible.
368
00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:51,040
Mum... please.
369
00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:57,400
All right. We'll do it.
370
00:17:58,480 --> 00:18:00,999
- Do what?
- Have the social services back.
371
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,839
- What?!
- Roger needs a job!
372
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:04,319
Oh, thank you!
373
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:08,039
- Edith!
- Are you sure, Edith?
374
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:10,040
I'm sure. Quite, quite sure.
375
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,400
- You've read all the case notes?
- Several times.
376
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:27,279
And... try and participate
a bit more this time, Helen.
377
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,399
Make a contribution.
378
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,200
Righty-ho.
379
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,119
I'm Vivian Pool from social services,
380
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:36,839
and this is my assistant, Helen.
381
00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,999
And I'm Queenie Gale, the cleaning lady.
382
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,639
And, sometimes, Mrs Stephens.
383
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,960
No. Come in.
384
00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,559
Vivian and Helen from social services.
385
00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:57,199
Hello. I'm Edith, Roger's mother.
386
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,959
Oh, as well?
387
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,039
His actual mother. The real one.
388
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:03,119
- And this is Roger.
- Hello.
389
00:19:03,120 --> 00:19:06,599
I expect you're very tired, and
it must be a bit cold for you.
390
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,639
- What?
- After Brazil?
391
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,359
Oh, yes. Er... yes, yes, it
is bit. Yes, after Brazil!
392
00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,119
This is Phil Parton.
393
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:17,239
My very good friend
and Edith's intended!
394
00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,959
Not my intended, no.
395
00:19:19,960 --> 00:19:23,159
That was over once he
took to the paper bags.
396
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,839
Please sit down. Tea, coffee?
397
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,239
- Tea, thank you.
- I'll get it.
398
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,279
Joan, would you turn that off
and come over and say hello
399
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,080
- to Vivian and Helen?
- If you insist.
400
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:38,799
Nothing worth watching, anyway.
401
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,879
This is my sister, Joan.
402
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,159
Joan, this is Vivian and
Helen from social services.
403
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:47,279
Well, I hope you've come to stay.
404
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,919
This house is like a morgue most
of the time, everyone out shopping.
405
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:52,999
Phil? Roger?
406
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:56,160
Vivian and I would like
a quiet chat on our own.
407
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:01,799
Hold on, Phil.
408
00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:04,960
No, this way. Yeah...
409
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:10,079
Oh, dear.
410
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,039
And duck... yep.
411
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:16,759
- Joan, could you go and give Queenie a hand?
- A hand?
412
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,680
In the kitchen.
413
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,400
Right...
414
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:33,319
What's going on in there?
They're taking their time.
415
00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,799
Mum seemed a bit strained...
416
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,399
... don't you think?
417
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:40,439
- Funny, her changing her mind like that.
- Yeah...
418
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,719
- ... not like her at all.
- Oh.
419
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:44,320
Ah, Queenie.
420
00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:50,879
- It's fixed.
- Fixed?
421
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:52,919
You're a carer.
422
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,359
- I'm a carer?
- You're kidding.
423
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,119
- No, it's official.
- Good Lord.
424
00:20:58,120 --> 00:20:59,599
Wow!
425
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,119
Yeah. Thanks to your mum.
426
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:04,719
You better make a decent job of it.
427
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,800
- Let's not set the bar TOO high.
- No.
428
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:17,479
Ah, well done, Roger.
429
00:21:17,480 --> 00:21:19,439
Oh! Er... thanks.
430
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:21,919
There's a bit of paperwork to
do, you'll be getting a letter.
431
00:21:21,920 --> 00:21:24,759
- Oh, a letter?
- Nothing very complicated.
432
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,239
Thank you, Edith. Thank
you very, very much.
433
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:29,439
Thank YOU, Vivian.
434
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,199
- Goodbye, Joan.
- Yes, thank you.
435
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,479
- Queenie.
- Bye!
436
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,239
Mr Parton.
437
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,879
Goodbye... Mr Parton.
438
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:40,359
Ta-ta!
439
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,719
Mum! You did it!
440
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:46,519
Joan, switch that off.
441
00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:48,639
It's just for a trial period.
442
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,719
- Oh.
- Yes, but if you're satisfactory,
443
00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,999
there's no reason it can't be extended.
444
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,839
That's fantastic!
445
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,199
Oh, yeah, what about pay?
446
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,519
Ooh, well, not a lot...
447
00:21:57,520 --> 00:21:59,519
... but it'll help if you're careful.
448
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,359
I'll top it up, if necessary.
449
00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:02,800
- You'll do that?
- Yes.
450
00:22:02,801 --> 00:22:04,079
Why would you do that?
451
00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:08,239
Because I'm naturally a very
giving and generous person.
452
00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,600
Ha! Yeah, but...
453
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:14,279
No, no. No, hang on...
454
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:16,160
No. Wait... wait a minute.
455
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,279
No.
456
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:20,360
Mum!
457
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,799
He's grinning. That's bad.
458
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,319
That... that... that's very bad.
459
00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:27,079
No. Please, Mum. No.
460
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:28,519
Mum!
461
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,759
You didn't think you'd get away
with being a carer for ME, did you?!
462
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,519
Not for Auntie Joan! Please!
463
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:36,519
This is known as a comeuppance.
464
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,039
With knobs on.
465
00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:39,759
It'll do you good, Roger.
466
00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:42,039
No, it won't! I can't do it.
467
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:46,639
Never. My destiny is not
shopping for corn pads!
468
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:48,680
Then, we're off to a good start.
469
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,119
Just be careful with that,
there's breakables in there.
470
00:23:05,120 --> 00:23:06,940
- Breakables?
- Yes, my picture frames,
471
00:23:06,941 --> 00:23:09,439
my Royal Worcester china.
472
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,039
I didn't realise I'd brought so much,
473
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:12,999
you must have thought
I was coming for months!
474
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,600
Ha! Wouldn't you!
475
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,199
Mum...
476
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,039
Roger, it's for the best.
477
00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:21,879
Give it a try. Surprise us.
478
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:24,040
Oh... Oh.
479
00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:27,000
Send us a card.
480
00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:30,560
Just the one.
481
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:44,319
Absolute genius!
482
00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:46,079
Oh, you're brilliant!
483
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:48,079
Two birds with one stone.
484
00:23:48,080 --> 00:23:50,159
I love you to bits.
485
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,639
- Fingers crossed.
- Give me a kiss.
486
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,559
- Edith!
- Queenie!
487
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,975
- Right on cue.
- You just missed them.
488
00:23:56,976 --> 00:23:58,039
No, it's not that.
489
00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,959
Switch the telly on,
Wendy's on, any minute.
490
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,680
What?
491
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,759
I felt like I wanted to set myself
the challenge of trying to write
492
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:11,399
a book that would engage
children, but I do think
493
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:16,359
that we have to accept that our
children are hooked on smartphones
494
00:24:16,360 --> 00:24:20,079
and their computer
games. I know mine are.
495
00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:23,959
But they're never going to stop
reading stories that they can
496
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,451
- really relate to.
- Yes.
497
00:24:25,452 --> 00:24:26,679
Which happily seems to be the case with
498
00:24:26,680 --> 00:24:28,759
your new book: The Lemming Family.
499
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,679
Which has just been awarded the
prestigious Prendergast prize
500
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:34,199
for children's
literature. Wendy Stephens.
501
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:37,959
Good God!
502
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,399
- That's wonderful.
- Clever girl.
503
00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,159
And do stay with us, Wendy,
as we turn to a related subject
504
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:45,159
of funding for school libraries.
505
00:24:45,160 --> 00:24:48,018
We're joined by Ken Burfield
from the Internet Education Trust.
506
00:24:48,019 --> 00:24:49,505
- Hello.
- And Vivian Pool
507
00:24:49,506 --> 00:24:51,959
who, in addition to her
role as regional director
508
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,959
of social services, also chairs
509
00:24:53,960 --> 00:24:56,759
the Children's Educational
Needs Foundation.
510
00:24:56,760 --> 00:24:59,319
- Thank you both for coming in today.
- My pleasure.
511
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,239
May I just congratulate Wendy?
512
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,639
- Oh, thank you.
- I haven't read your book yet, Wendy,
513
00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,999
but I most certainly will.
I'm looking forward to it.
514
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:09,319
Well, it's really for children.
515
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,079
Mr Burfield...
516
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,359
We're sunk, aren't we?
517
00:25:14,360 --> 00:25:16,359
- That's it, we're sunk.
- Why?
518
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,719
Well, it's all in there, it's
all in the book, isn't it?
519
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,520
I mean, Roger's conspiracy, our
attempt to, sort of, cover it up!
520
00:25:23,600 --> 00:25:25,359
I can see the headlines!
521
00:25:25,360 --> 00:25:26,599
Lemming-gate!
522
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:28,400
- A-a-a-agh!
- Oh...
523
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:35,000
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -
39922
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