All language subtitles for 8-Bit.Christmas

[Male weatherman]
Good morning, Chicago.

The big question for Santa

is can he handle
the Chicago weather.

[Man] What do I want
for Christmas?

How about a winning team?

Any Chicago team.

[Woman 1] You've already put
your wish in for Santa, right?

[Woman 2] I sure have.
I wrote a list,
I checked it twice.

[Male reporter] Blackhawk fans
around the world,

fans everywhere have had...

[Woman 3] And I love
this time of year.

[Adult Jake]
We gotta hustle, Annie.

- Come on. Let's go, go, go!
- [Phone chimes]

That's my friends
trying to reach me, isn't it?

You know,
if I had my own phone...

Um, there's no quit in you,
and it's inspiring.
Still a hard no.

Okay, let's say
I'm in a burning building.

No. A burning pet store.

No. A burning orphanage,

and I need to make a phone call.

- You'd feel so terrible.
- [Phone chimes]

Lives are at stake!

You're not getting a phone,
Annie. I'm sorry.

I get more calls on your phone
than you do.

That's not true.

My friends have to text you
just to talk to me.

It's embarrassing.

I'm not embarrassing.
Maeve's dad is embarrassing.

Whoa! [Grunts]

Ow!

Still? The ice?

- [Santa] I told them
to salt it.
- [Adult Jake] Ow.

- [Annie] You were saying?
- [Phone ringing]

[Groaning] One second.

Jake Doyle.

It's for you.

[Adult Jake] Fifty-eight
minutes to grandpa
and grandma's. With traffic.

Boom!

Hey, you wanna shoot pucks
in the driveway later?

No, thanks.

Why not?
I thought you liked it.
It's kind of our thing.

I don't like hockey anymore.

Oh, okay, well...

Maybe we can build a snowman
with mom and your brother?

Dad.

We could...

Hey, hold up, hold up, hold up.

Listen, kiddo,
I'm sorry about the phone.
It's not gonna happen.

I hate to see you disappointed.

Look, I know that this year
is a little bit different,

but you can still have
a good Christmas.

What about you?

I always have a good Christmas.

[Adult Jake] Hello?

Mom?

Must be out running errands.

[Adult Jake] Katie? Charlie?

[Annie] I'm bored.

Why couldn't
we visit aunt lizzy
in Australia instead?

Those flights
are crazy expensive.

[Annie] Well...

What am I supposed to do here?

I...

[Adult Jake] Come on, come on.

Ta-da!

- What is that?
- That's my Nintendo
from when I was a kid.

[Annie] Hmm.
It looks like tupperware.

Tupperware?

Come on, let's play.

Can I text Maeve
from your phone after?

Can you...

Yes, but can I show you
how this works first, please?

- [Annie] Yeah.
- Thank you.

Oh, first you have
to do this. [Blows]

Why?

I don't know, just how it works.

- [Blowing]
- Nice. Maybe dust?

[Laughs]

I thought you said
grandma and grandpa

didn't let you have video games
when you were little.

They didn't.

Then how'd you get it?

When I was a kid,
I wanted a Nintendo
worse than you want a phone.

That's not possible.

You know what?
Today is your lucky day.

Because I am now
going to tell you the story
about how I got my Nintendo.

But it is possibly
the most amazing, dangerous,

awesome story of all time.

So... can you handle it?

Is it dangerous
because I might die
from boredom?

That's a good point.

The year was 1987.
Or was it '88?

No. '85, bears.

- Super bowl was in '86...
- Okay, does it
really matter, dad?

Okay, okay.

The year was the late '80s.

We'll call it December.

I was 11 years old.

In the winter,
if the streets were plowed,

I could make it
to Timmy keane's house
in just under eight minutes.

[Annie] On a bike?
How fast were you going?

[Adult Jake] Super fast.

[Annie] Did you wear a helmet?

[Adult Jake] Yeah, of course.

We always wore helmets
in the '80s.

Was it green?

Um, yeah. It was green.

[Adult Jake] Could I just
tell the story?

- [Annie] Yeah.
- [Adult Jake] Thanks.

[Panting]

[Children chanting]
Nintendo! Nintendo! Nintendo!

Nintendo! Nintendo!

[Adult Jake] The rule
at keane's was simple.

The first ten kids
to get through his door
got to play Nintendo.

You know how you meet
some people,

and you have no idea that
they have a lot of money?

Yeah. Timmy keane
was the opposite of that.

A known psycho,

he had the tendency
to lose his mind
on a regular basis.

- [Umpire] You're out!
- You! You! You!

Stupid!

Idiot grandma!

[Adult Jake] It was
an early lesson
in god's cruelty...

Giving the only Nintendo
in town to a rich kid
like Timmy keane.

And every kid
at Mary Todd Lincoln elementary
was at his mercy...

Including my best friends.

Oh, another Saturday
in the trenches.

[Inhales]

[Adult Jake] Mikey trotter.

Tough, tenacious.
Was allowed to watch
r-rated movies, and it showed.

I wanna set land mines
in this yard.

Like in platoon,
blow everyone up.

Sounds dangerous.

[Adult Jake] Evan Olsen.

Nervous, allergic to bees
and spaghettios.

Probably has to go home soon.

I probably gotta go home soon.

More Nintendo for us.

[Adult Jake] Tammy Hodges.

Smart, confident,
baseball card genius

and future ceo
of Hodges industries.

My canseco rookie went up
two bucks!

Yeah, that used to be
my canseco.

[Adult Jake] Teddy Hodges.

Tammy's twin brother.

Future assistant to the ceo
of Hodges industries.

Hey, guys. What's up?

[Adult Jake] Oh, yeah,
and this kid.

Sorry I'm late.
I was on the phone
with bon jovi.

[Adult Jake] Jeff farmer.

Pathological liar.

Not really our friend,
but always around.

And you left school
early yesterday

because Tom Cruise needed you
to stunt double for him?

He knows I too
have a need for speed.

So, you didn't have diarrhea?

It was both.
Tom Cruise and diarrhea.

The two are not
mutually exclusive.

Shut up. He's coming out.

[Children chanting]
Nintendo! Nintendo!

[Children screaming]

Nintendo!

- Nintendo!
- Silence!

[Adult Jake] 8:00 A.M.

Game time.

Any of you huddled masses
care for some Nintendo?

[All] Yeah!

Pick me! Pick me!

You. You. You.

You're good.

Yes! I got in!

[Mikey] We're in!

I love this place.

- [Mikey] Whoa!
- [Tammy] Awesome.

[Adult Jake] And there she was,
glistening in all her
gray plastic glory,

a maze of rubber wiring
and electronic intelligence
so advanced

it was deemed not a video game,

but an 8-bit
entertainment system.

Say hello to my little friend.

Hey, boots off!

There's tape over there
if you have holes
in your socks.

Don't touch the wall!
It's French.

- Wait, my brother's
still outside.
- [Teddy] Let me in!

[Timmy] You know the rules.

First ten, that's it.

But it's Teddy.

[Mocking] "But it's Teddy."

[Teddy] Jerk!

Too bad, so sad.

[Adult Jake] There was
no denying he was a jerk.

There was also no denying
he had the coolest basement

in the entire central time zone.

A pool table, shuffle board,
pinball machine,

pop machine,
movie-style popcorn-maker.

[Timmy] Hey, no sucking
on the soda pop.

[Adult Jake] And a snack drawer
better stocked

than most supermarkets
in the greater Chicago area.

You guys hungry?
You want some pop-tarts
or something?

- Yeah. That'd be great.
- [Jake] Sure.

- [Beeping]
- Mom.

Mom!

- Mom, wake up!
- [Mrs. Keane] What?

Get me a pop-tart!

[Mrs. Keane] Uh, how many?

- Just one.
- [Mrs. Keane] Does anybody...

[sighing]

[Yaps]

Winner stays.

Die, die!

You're dead. You're dead.

You're dead. [Laughs]

Hey, you guys wanna play?

Psych! Boom!

I can do this all day.

[Adult Jake] As I sat there
and watched Timmy keane

blast away an inch
from the screen
to his evil heart's content,

one thing became clear.

I needed to get my own Nintendo.

Fast.

[Festive music playing]

[Kathy] Oh, gee!

Y-o-u-r is possessive.

[Adult Jake] For weeks,
I'd been plotting

how to get my parents
to say "yes" to a Nintendo
for Christmas.

[Kathy] "Scout" is misspelled.

[Adult Jake] Tonight was
the night I'd finally put
my plan into action.

- [Kathy] "Atticus"
is misspelled.
- [Jake] Mom.

Uh, hey, mom.

I'm so sorry, mom,

but I got some ketchup
on my sweatshirt.

Oh, gosh. All right,
let's get that out
before it sets in.

You know,
we bought that sweatshirt
two sizes too big.

- I know.
- It's gotta last you
another year.

I don't know. Wow! Jesus!

[Adult Jake] My mom
was always multi-tasking.

She thrived on the chaos.

Two things at once,
she was golden.

But if you gave her
a third task to juggle,
things got dicey,

and you could get her
to agree to stuff she wouldn't
normally agree to.

Hey, so, mom, I was thinking,
for Christmas...

A kid who thinks.
How refreshing.

Maybe you could teach
my students that.

Sure?

But just to make
Christmas shopping

a little easier for me
this year...

How about getting me a Nintendo?

Sure. That sounds great.

[Adult Jake]
Mom gauntlet passed.

[John] God bless it!

Is everything all right
in there?

Has anyone seen my skil saw?

I think it's in the shower.

No, that's my Jigsaw.
I need my skil saw.

John, the skil saw
is underneath the Jigsaw.

You have to look harder.

- Those are for the muellers.
- [Stammers]

[Adult Jake] Of the 6,000
Christmas cookies

my mom had baked over the years,

no one in my family
had ever actually eaten one.

Hey, the milk is expired.

No. That's a suggestion.
It's fine.

Jake! Where...

- Oh.
- What?

Come on in here and help me.

[Adult Jake] Normally,
helping my dad with whatever
half-baked renovation

he was doing
would be the last thing
I wanted to do,

but tonight,
I was a man on a mission.

I'll be right in, dad.

[Kathy] Wow, look at that.

He finally wore you down.

[Adult Jake] My dad
was something
of a dyslexic Bob vila.

It was well-known
up and down linwood Avenue
that in 1978

my father went to
install a kitchen cabinet
and had not stopped since.

[Kathy] Please wear
your safety glasses this time.

[Annie] Did you wear
the safety glasses?

[Adult Jake] Absolutely.

Really?

Kind of.

All right,
you can take that off now.

- [Jake] What?
- [John] Take it off.

Oh.

We'll look for
the glasses later.

It's really
more of a suggestion.

[Jake] Wow.

How'd you get your hands
so strong?

I've been working with them
for over 30 years, that's how.

- That's so cool.
- Yeah?

Maybe you guys could
get me something
for Christmas

that builds up
my hand strength,
so I could help you out better.

You know,
I like the sound of that.

Like a Nintendo?

Yeah.

Done. [Chuckles]

All right. Let's go clean up.
Come on.

[Annie] You did it, dad!

They said yes.

I was on cloud nine.

So the story's over, right?

Cool. Can I text Maeve now?

Uh-uh.

[Kathy] John,
that cup is disgusting.

This is the exact cup
I was drinking out of when...

When they beat the north stars

- in the conference semis
in '85.
- Fine. Yep.

It's a beautiful memory
and a gross cup.

Totally.

Stop saying "totally."
You sound like a moron.

[John] And what's your retainer
doing out of your mouth?

But we're eating.

Do you know how expensive
that thing is? Put it back in.

John, he really can't eat
with it in. It doesn't
work that way.

Well, it won't work at all
if he loses it.

I mean, orthodontistry
is the biggest racket.

I could make
one of those. Easy.

Couple of paper clips,
mouth guard...
[Whistles] Done.

I'd like you to finish
the living room
and the dining room

before you start work
on their retainers.

If I had a retainer,
I'd wear it all the time,
no matter what.

I know you would, honey.
You're such a sweetheart.

Hey, you haven't seen
my air compressor, have you?

It's in the backyard,

right next to all the dog poop
that Jake didn't pick up.

Hey.

You haven't picked that up yet?

Cry in a bucket, Jake.

What have you been doing
all day?

I was in Timmy keane's basement.

What, you can't play outside?

It's cold.

It's not even below zero out.

What've you been doing inside
all day?

Probably playing the mimtendo?

"Nintendo."

That's what I just said.
"Intendo," John.

You know,
I ran into Mrs. Trotter
at the Jewel today.

Apparently, video games
have been doing

all kinds of strange things
to children in Japan.

Like what?

They get so involved,
they completely forget
about everything else.

School, friends.

One little boy
had a brain aneurysm

and stuff oozed out of his nose.

I'm very glad
that we do not have one.
[Chuckles]

But you said I could get one
for Christmas.

I said nothing of the sort.

Video games make you fat, Jake.
It's a fact.

Cabbage patch kids
don't make you fat.

[Jake] No, no, no.

Dad, you said
I could have one, too.

No, I didn't.
Well, okay, I did.

But I thought that
it was an Asian tool brand,
like makita.

You know what?
You should be playing outside.

Evan Olsen almost got frostbite
from playing outside.

He almost lost his pinkie toe.

The olsens are weak stock.

No Nintendo in my house.

I second that.

Me three,
and that makes a majority.

Looks like a no-go
on the 'tendo.

[Laughs]

She's funny, John.

[John] Best kid ever.

[Adult Jake] And just
like that, it was gone.

I was never getting
my own Nintendo.

My life was over.

Jake. Jake.

Come on. You gotta focus, man.

[Evan] His parents said
he couldn't get a Nintendo
last night.

When my parents said no,
I was so mad,

I started calling them
by their first names.

Okay, well, channel that anger
into taking down jagorski.

[Grunting]

[Josh] Yeah!

Yeah!

Let's go!

[Growling]

[Adult Jake]
Every day before school,
we would gather,

for reasons unknown,
to get pummeled by jagorski

in the game
king of the mountain.

[All screaming]

My mountain! Mine!

[Adult Jake] It was never
quite certain what grade Josh
"king of the mountain" jagorski

was actually enrolled in,

as the vast majority of his time

was spent
in such foreign districts
as the principal's office,

and the adult beverage
refrigerator case
at the gas station.

[Growling]

[Josh] Bye and bye.

Yeah! Come on!

He smells like my dad
after he practices guitar
in the garage.

Who wants a piece

of this delicious
strawberry cake?

This is it. Let's go!

- Why now?
- Do we have to?

Come on!

Come here!

[Screaming]

Let's go! Let's go! Go, go, go!

Come on!

[Mikey] Oh, no!

Yeah!

Come on.

How about
a nice face wash, Doyle?

[Screams]

Yeah!

[Jake] I hate that guy!

Me too.

Just think about
the power glove, man.

What? What power glove?

Yo, you didn't tell him?

- I thought you told him.
- [Mikey] No.

The power glove.
Keane got one last night.

No way!

- Yes, way.
- [Jake] For real.

- [Jake] Awesome!
- Look, he's already practicing.

[Tammy] Nice!

[Timmy] Psych!

We're all going over
to his house after school
to play it.

He's gonna let us in?

We gotta bribe him with gifts,
but yeah.

Who else knows?

Just us.

Well...

And farmer.

Great. Farmer knows.
Secret's safe.

[Children chanting]
Power glove! Power glove!

I didn't say anything
to anyone, I swear to god.

All right, fine.
Maybe Meg platt,
Steve dybsky,

my second-period gym class,
coach wallach, but that's it.

Come on, farmer.
Now we're never gonna get in.

I have a power glove
at my house.

My uncle works
at the cardboard company...

You don't have one, farmer.

No, I do not.

I don't think
anybody in Chicago has one yet
besides keane.

He's coming out!

[Children chanting]
Power glove! Power glove!
Power glove!

This is so dumb.

Just do it.

[Children chanting]
Power glove! Power glove!
Power glove!

[Boom box playing]

♪ I'm holding out for a hero
till the end of the night ♪

♪ he's gotta be strong
and he's gotta be fast ♪

♪ and he's gotta be fresh
from the fight ♪

- [Mouthing]
- ♪ I need a hero ♪

[All cheering]

Yeah, keane, yeah!

[Adult Jake] It was
the most beautiful
piece of machinery

I'd ever laid eyes on.

The thing made
Luke Skywalker's robot hand
look like a tinker toy.

Silence, children of batavia.

And coach.

What have you brought me?

[All] Me! Me! Me!

I got a goldfish!
I got a goldfish!

Untraceable cash money!

You're not getting in
with that, dude.

It's a summer sausage.
It's gourmet.

It's the best I could find.

[Boy] Gimme! Gimme!

One!

Two! Three!

Hey, I got my dad's
sports illustrated.

Yeah. Four. Yeah.

NASA moon rocks?

Moon rocks? No.

Summer sausage!

- It's my dad's. It's gourmet.
- No.

[Connor] I got
a goldfish, keane!
You want it?

-But it's a good pet.
It's a fish.
-[Timmy] No.

Good girl, good girl.

[Dog growling]

Fetch! Go!

[Timmy] Settle down, peons.

- Gentlemen.
- [Clears throat]

Gentlemen and the Hodges girl.

Behold the power glove...

In all of its...

Power.

Timmy keane, dream journal.

I had the dream
about Tammy Hodges again.

She was on a white horse,
I was on a beach.

- I don't know what that means.
- Turn it off!

- [Mrs. Keane] Timmy,
do you have your jammies on?
- [Timmy] Mom, get out of here!

[Mrs. Keane] Okay.

- No one heard that. Understand?
- Yeah.

[Exhaling]

Behold...

The power of the power glove.

[Timmy] You ready, Hodges?

Not everyone can use
these things, by the way.

You have to be
specially trained
in taekwondo

which is like karate,
but just more expensive.

[Jake] What a tool.

[Adult Jake]
Oh, man. This was it.

The power glove. At last.

Each one of us
in that basement knew we were
about to witness history.

Feel the glove.

Felt like an isotoner.

This is how you really punch
with power.

- [Timmy] Come on.
- [All] Oh!

- [Mikey] Go, Tammy!
- [Teddy] Go, Tammy,
get him, get him!

Boom! You can give up now.

Nah. I think I'll win instead.

[Mikey] Yeah, Tammy!

Get him, Tammy! Get him!

[All] Whoa!

Come on!

Work!

[Adult Jake] We thought
he was just making excuses,
being a sore loser.

But we'd later realized
a horror that defined
our generation.

The power glove sucked.

This glove sucks!

Hi-ya! Hi-ya!

Come on, unleash your power!

[Jake] Yeah, yeah!

It's not working! Come on!

[Man in game] Silence him!

[All cheering] Yeah!

Mommy, Tammy cheated!

Sucks to lose... to a girl.

- [All] Ooh!
- [Screams]

[Adult Jake]
Maybe it was the glove.

You tell 'em, keane!

[Adult Jake]
Maybe it was the song.

Chop, chop, chop!

Hai karate, keane!

[Adult Jake]
Maybe it was because
he was just such an idiot.

But Timmy keane lost his
dang mind that day.

Go, keane, go! Taekwondo!

[All] Go, keane, go! Taekwondo!

[Screams]

[Kids screaming in horror]

[All gasp]

[Mrs. Keane over intercom]
Does anybody want some tang?

I just made a batch.

[Adult Jake] A marble
stuck in a nostril...

Shattering mom's antique vase.

Picnics in the fricking park
compared to this.

For there,
lying under the weight

of a smashed 42-inch
television set...

Was a dead dog.

What?

The dog dies?

There's a dead dog
in this story?

Hey, what can I tell ya?
It was the '80s.

Stuff got real.

I thought you said
you were super safe
in the '80s?

It was a complicated decade.

Are you making all this up?

No. No. No way.

Okay, well...

What happened next
in the basement?

I mean,
I don't really care. But...

What did you do?

We did what any rational,
thoughtful, responsible kids

would've done in our position.

[All exclaiming] Run!

[Evan] Why is everyone running?

[Tammy] Go, go, go!

- [Evan] What's happening?
- We gotta get outta here!

[Evan] What's going on?
What's going on?

- The sound of all
those bones breaking...
- What do you mean, "bones"?

It's game over at keane's!
Just go! Go! Go! Go!

Go!

[Yells indistinctly]

[Adult Jake] It was the end-o
of Nintendo at keane's
as we knew it.

So many thoughts
raced through my head.

Would I be arrested?
Would I go to jail?

Or worse, would I ever play
Nintendo again?

It's gonna be snow, snow, snow.

[Lizzy] Snow!

[Weatherman] We have
a northwest clipper
coming off

- of the south side
of lake Michigan.
- Yes!

God bless it.

[Weatherman]
And at Christmas time
that's just perfect.

Can't read Jenny jablecki's
handwriting on this, mom.

[Kathy] If there is a heart
over the "i"...

Mark it wrong and move on.

Are we gonna have
a snow day today?

I don't want anyone here
getting their hopes up.

It's probably not gonna happen.

I don't want anyone
getting upset, okay?

[Adult Jake] In the history
of batavia, Illinois,

there had never been a snow day.

Not a single one.

It could be 20 below
with a Soviet attack
on the way

- and we'd still have school.
- [Reporter] We just
got this in.

In Kane county,
the school closures
are as follows...

- [Lizzy] Come on!
- [Reporter] Geneva,

- come on!
- [Reporter] Elburn...

- [Jake] Come on!
- [Reporter] South Elgin,

[reporter] North Aurora,
and... That's it.

- Stupid!
- Oh, no!

Mary of god!

I told you guys
not to get your hopes up.

-[Jake] You okay, mom?
-[Kathy] All right.
You have to eat something.

- Here.
- This is frozen.

Yes, put it under your armpits
for two minutes,
it'll thaw out.

Guys, coats, gloves.
What are we doing?

Jake, don't forget your boots.

Yeah. Don't forget
your boots, Jake.

- [Lizzy laughs]
- [Sighs]

[Adult Jake] My mother,
in a multi-tasking, cold,
coupon-induced bout of madness,

had accidentally bought me
girl's boots.

Back then,
they were a death sentence.

I should note,
they were also flowered
and French.

What do you mean,
"girl's boots"?

Like they only fit girl's feet?

No, they were just purple.

So?

Back then, people were
more close-minded
about fashion.

And everything else.

Ooh, pretty.

Did you know that
esprit is French for "cool"?

- Really?
- No.

Just go ahead, I'll catch up.

What if someone kidnaps me?

They'll return you in,
like, five minutes.

You shouldn't be doing that.

Wait a second and shut up.

You said a swear.

I got a lot on my mind, lizzy.

I got a lot on my mind too.

Come on. Let's go.

Let's go.

[Sneezes]

[Mrs. Hugo] It's called
the Dewey decimal system.

Right. This is a life skill,
people, like cursive.

When you're an adult,
and you wanna look
something up really quickly,

you're gonna be very happy
that you learned
this today. Okay.

All you're gonna have to do
is go to the library.

Get your coats and boots on,
head on over...

We talked to keane.
The dog's not dead.

The dog's not dead?

No, it just broke three legs
and a few ribs.
It's on life support.

It's gonna make
a full recovery though. Right?

I wouldn't count on it.

That TV landed on her
like a house on a witch.

But eventually
it'll be like nothing happened.

Physically, maybe.
But mentally,
she'll never be the same.

You're lucky
you didn't see it, Olsen.
You would have thrown up.

I only throw up
from spaghettios.
It's a medical condition.

He's really the shackleton
of the librarians.

- And I'm not the only one
who thinks that, by the way.
- [Snoring]

Wait, so does this mean
Nintendo's back on?

- It gets
a little more specific.
- No.

Keane's dad took it away.
It's really over.

[Jeff] Did you guys hear?

The loyal ranger scouts
are giving out a Nintendo
this year.

Whoever sells the most wreaths
in the wreath-selling contest
gets one.

-No way.
-Yes, way.
A sixth-grader told me.

The same sixth-grader
who told you that
there were tryouts

for the a-team? Yeah, right.

Nope. That was a lie.
This one's real.

We're gonna need
some solid proof, farmer.

- Jake Doyle.
- Huh?

Do you have something
that you'd like to share
with the rest of the class?

Uh, no.

Don't think I haven't
been watching you, Jake.

You're the only one in here
with wet shoes.

Now, you know the rules.
No boots, no recess.

- But...
- I expect to see you in boots
at recess,

or your name goes
on the board...

With a check.

So what's it going to be,
Mr. Doyle?

Boots...

Or a check?

[Josh] Go, go, go!

-[Josh] Catch it.
Get out there. Catch it.
-No.

It changes colors
when I lick it.

[Adult Jake] Connor stump

was by far the weirdest kid
in school.

He always carried around
a recorder

and his lunch
was almost exclusively tuna.

You ever put socks
and shoes on your hands
and just crawl around?

[Growling]

It's just me, Connor.
I'm not really a lion.

- Jake, come on,
you're on our team.
- [Josh] Let's go. Line up.

Just play without me.

What're you doing back there?

Ooh, is there
a dead squirrel again?

Is it all furry and frozen?

Dude.

You're wearing
Katie sorrentino's boots.

They're mine.

Your mom use a coupon again?

Let's go, trotter, you baby.

Yeah, we gotta get you
outta here.

If jagorski sees you,
he'll kill you.

Hey. What're you...

You're wearing
Katie sorrentino's boots.

They're mine.

That's it!
I'm coming over there.

No, no! What do I do?
What do I do?

Does anybody have some candy
or a nudie magazine
or something?

I call dibs if there's
a dead squirrel
back there again.

[Josh laughs]

I think we got ourselves
a pair of girl's boots here.

[Adult Jake] Painfully,
my mind flipped through

the rolodex of punishment
I was about to endure.

Weeks of wedgies, swirlies,
dead legs.

I wanted to punch a kid's face
until it turned
into kool-aid so bad

and I didn't get the chance...
Until now.

- What's up, dork?
- Hi!

How's four eyes?

- [Adult Jake] But then,
I heard the voice of an angel.
- [Jeff] Guys, I got proof!

[Jeff] Guys! Guys!

It says it right here!
It really is a Nintendo!

It's just a picture
of a dumb wreath.

You gotta read it.

"This year's first prize
is a brand-new Nintendo
entertainment system."

[All exclaiming]

I'm gonna kill you.

[All cheering]

[Adult Jake] Less than
30 minutes after
the final school bell

I was fitted in my dress Greens
and on my way...

Envisioning the acres
of Alaskan pine forest

needed to cover
the amount of wreaths
I was about to sell.

And I had my sales pitch
all planned out.

[Clears throat]

[Knocking]

"I'm with the loyal ranger
scouts, ma'am,
and without your help

thousands of boys may become
drug addicts and communists."

- What?
- What?

What? What do you want?

Hi. My name is...

Wait. You're not trying
to sell me something,
are you?

Wanna buy a wreath?

What, do you got
a learning disability
or something?

Wait, you don't really got
a learning disability, do you?

Good. Ma, this kid thinks
your wreath sucks!

- [Door slams]
- Oh.

[Jeff] Hey, Doyle.
Gotta look out for
those "no solicitor" signs.

What're you doing here, farmer?

- [Doorbell chiming]
- Ruining your life.

You can't sell wreaths here.

You think there are rules here,
Doyle? There are no rules.

That Nintendo's mine.

- I've already sold 67 wreaths.
- To who?

People. Your mom.

You're full of it, farmer.

Hello, young lady.
I was hoping
your mother was home.

I need to speak to an adult
in the house.

And did I mention
how much I like your sweater?

[Adult Jake] All over town,
the boys in green
pounded the pavements

in record numbers,

all in the name of Nintendo.

A swarm of snot-nosed
Gordon gekkos had been born.

Merry Christmas, ma'am.
Would you like to buy a wreath?

Hello, ma'am. 'Tis the season.

Merry Christmas, sir.
Do you think die hard
is a Christmas movie?

Look at that,
it's already wreath-thirty?

Um...

"Douglas fir
Christmas wreaths."
Just say it!

Why don't you just say it?

'Cause I'm not in
stupid ranger scouts,
'cause I'm not a stupid boy.

[Adult Jake] And it was
every kid for themselves.

Kids who weren't
even in ranger scouts
were getting in on the action.

I will not take no
for an answer!

That is the first rule
of salesmanship!
The first rule!

[Knocking]

[Adult Jake] Even I was
getting the hang of it.

Oh, are you here
to shovel my walk?

No, I'm here
to sell Christmas wreaths.

Okay. Um, let me see.

My wallet's in my car.

You want me to...

Shovel my car out,
so I can get to it.
That would be great.

Oh, I'll get the shovel.

[Panting]

[Kathy laughing]

[Jeff] The tevatron particle
accelerator at fermilabs,
they get more headlines.

But if you ask me...

The most valuable
local resource
we still have today

are our teachers.

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Doyle.

Merry Christmas, Jeff.

Stay beautiful, Kath.

She said I reminded her of you.

See you later, Jake.

Did it have to be farmer?

He offered me an honest deal
at an honest price.

There's nothing honest
about him!

He's a pathological liar!

Oh, I thought he was
a really nice boy.

Those are for your mother.

My mom would want me
to have one.

I didn't even know that
you were selling wreaths
this year.

He only cares about it now
because they're giving away
a nin...

Night in Chicago.

Yep. That's a new prize.

At a hotel, I think,
in downtown?

[Kathy] That's a peculiar prize
for an 11-year-old.

That is a peculiar prize.

Don't you think
that's peculiar, dad?

God bless it.
Where the hell is it?

The Phillips head
is in the butter dish.

[John] No, that's not it.

You know what, Jake?
If you wanna win that prize,

you have to do
what I tell my kids
in class every day.

Make like a vacuum cleaner.

Suck it up and do the work.

- [John groans]
- What are you looking for?

My gourmet sausage.

How the hell do you lose
a sausage?

[Kathy] Dinner is served.

I wanted to eat it with dinner.

We're having salads.

That's why I wanted to eat
the sausage.

Well, maybe elwood ate it, dad.

'Cause, I mean,
he's been pooping
so much lately.

He has, hasn't he?

You know how I know that?

Because it still
hasn't been picked up.

Uh, it snowed.

Hey, that's no excuse, okay?

Tomorrow morning, you,
that shovel, backyard.

No, I'm totally supposed to
sell wreaths all day tomorrow.

Well, too bad.
And stop saying "totally."

It's not fair.

Hey, if life was fair,

it would be... a fair.

Okay? But I don't...

I don't see any carnival rides
around here, do you?

Hmm.

You just made that up,
didn't you?

No, I didn't.

It's an old saying.

Listen!

In the name of
the father, and of the son
and of the holy spirit...

From thou thy bounty,
to Jesus Christ's name...

- He is great.
- Amen.

[Adult Jake] I was convinced
elwood had pooped
more times than any other dog

in the history of the world.

Our yard looked like
a vanilla cake

that someone
dumped an entire bag
of chocolate chips onto.

What's lizzy doing?
She can't help?

You wanted the dog,
you pick up after it.

You got the dog
before I was born.

Who wanted the dog
is irrelevant, Jake.
Just pick up the dang poop.

Come here.

All right. Take a deep breath.

Go ahead.

You smell that?

- Poo?
- No!

Fresh air!

That's all we had,
and we loved it.

When I was your age,
we didn't have nintendos.

You know what we did?

Built forts in the woods.

We'd gather up old lumber
and siding

and whatever we could find
we'd build, like,

watchtowers and rope ladders...

Trapdoors?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, we built trapdoors, too.

- Cool.
- Yeah, it was cool.

Yeah, we'd work on it
all year round, too.

Kinda like the house?

[Laughing] Yeah.
Kinda like the house.

Yeah.

Cry in a bucket,
that dog poops a lot.

Yeah.

Hey.

Don't worry about
behind the shed.

Just get the ones
around the house, okay?

And then when you're done...

You can varnish
these old hockey sticks.

Why?

Because they need to get done,
that's why.

Come on, dad.

You think I like paying taxes
and talking to our neighbors?

No. But you gotta do it.

I don't like doing that stuff!

Careful with the varnish.

[Jake] "Careful
with the varnish."
What am I gonna do? Drink it?

I know how to be careful.

We need to talk.

What are you doing in my room?

I need...

Did elwood diarrhea on you?

It's varnish. What do you want?

I need your help.

With what?

Getting a cabbage patch kid.

Santa didn't get me
a she-ra last year,
so I can't trust him.

I gotta go through mom and dad.

So what do you need me for?

I need you to drop hints
for them to get me one.

No way.
Why would I wanna help you?

Now, I want a redhead
named abrona Fiona
with freckles and a...

Why do you want
a dumb doll so bad?

Because I've always wanted
a sister. Stop interrupting me.

It looks bad
if I'm talking about it
all the time to mom and dad.

We need a subtle attack,
and we gotta act fast.

What are you gonna do for me?

- Tell you how to win
a Nintendo.
- [Chuckles]

You don't know
how to win a Nintendo.

Okay, never mind.

Wait.

How can I win it?

You promise to help me
get a cabbage patch kid?

Yeah, sure.

Promise?

Yes, I promise already.

Okay. You sold two wreaths
to miss sherman
yesterday, right?

How do you know that?

Don't worry about it.

She bought a lot
because she's old, right?

Old people buy stuff from kids.

So what you need
are a bunch of old people
all in one place

so you don't have to track
them all down.

What's your point?

Prairie pines, the nursing home.

Two hundred old people,

each with their own door,

perfect for wreath-hanging.

Wow.

That's...

That's a really good idea.

I know. So we got a deal,
or what?

Yeah.

A redhead with freckles.
Don't mess it up.

I'll be watching you.

[Adult Jake] Prairie pines
nursing home didn't know
what was about to hit them.

[Exhaling] "Suck it up.
Do the work."

Hi, everybody.

- Hi.
- Do you like blues?

Hi! You look just like
my grandson.

Oh, let me see those cheeks.

[Adult Jake] But it turned out,
I didn't know what was
about to hit me.

Because the world's fair
was here...

And we were celebrating
the city's centennial.

You see,
Chicago was founded in 1833.

That makes it 100 years to 1933.

Hold on.

It's what he would've wanted.

[Adult Jake] It took six hours
and ten cups of pudding,

but I managed to sell
a whopping 47 wreaths
to the nursing home.

All thanks to lizzy.

Hey, mom.

Did you know that this mall
has the largest selection

of cabbage patch kids
in all of Chicago?

I didn't know that, no.

Which is good,
'cause they're really
flying off the shelves.

He doesn't want
a cabbage patch kid
now, does he?

- No idea.
- Odd. But who knows
with these two?

- Hey! What're you doing?
- [Horn blaring]

Yeah, Wisconsin plates.
Shocker.

-Look at him. Look at him.
Look at him.
-Okay. All right, John...

He's jerking the wheel
like he's milking a cow.

[Adult Jake] Ah, yes.
The annual Doyle
Chicago shopping trip.

Also known
as my dad's least favorite

and most expensive day
of the year.

You know what I love
when you wear?

- What?
- Turtlenecks.

Ah.

It's gonna be so cold
in Minnesota when we get
to my parents' house,

I feel like we should
definitely try on a few today.

Yeah, well, turtlenecks,
your parents, it's great.

So, yes?

Look at this idiot.

What're you doing?

Hey! You beeping at me?

[Horn honking]

Yeah, I got a horn, too, miles.

Miles Davis,
ladies and gentlemen.

Sorry.

Can we turn on
the Christmas Carols?

No! No Christmas Carols.

Steely Dan. Listen to this.
This is good stuff.

Year-round.

[Carolers singing]
♪ we wish you a merry Christmas
we wish you a merry Christmas ♪

♪ we wish you a merry Christmas

- ♪ and a happy new year ♪
- [John] Elves!

-Hey. Creep me out.
-Breathe, John.
You have to breathe.

No, it's like a grown man
acting that chipper,
it's not natural.

- ♪ And a happy new... ♪
- back off, Jack!

[Kathy] Sorry.

- Have some self-respect. Jesus.
- You have to calm down.

[John] Why are we walking
so fast?

[Kathy] Everybody,
no bathroom breaks, okay?

You had your chance at home.
Do not test me.

God, why is it so hot in here?

We're not stopping
for Santa yet, guys, okay?

Hey, is there a bar
at the food court?

John, it's barely noon.

Okay, we got Barb her candles,
we got the two-for-one
turtlenecks...

- Mom, look, there's
the cabbage patch store.
- What are we missing?

- Can we go, mom?
- Yes,

honey, go on. Lead the way.

[Jake] Hey, mom.
Did you know

that cabbage patch kids
come with their own
birth certificates?

Thought all you cared about
was selling wreaths.

Since when are you
so interested
in cabbage patch kids?

Lizzy really wants one.

Well, they're very expensive,
honey, and they're very hard
to find.

Sold out in 20 minutes.

Last patch in all of Chicago.

You should've seen it.
It was ugly.

One woman punched a grandma
right in the throat.

Same family, too.

Oh, lizzy. Hey, it's okay.

You know, I saw some
really nice care bears
on the way in.

Care bears are for babies.

- [Sobbing]
- Oh.

[Adult Jake] Poor little lizzy.

It kinda made you
wanna go over there
and wipe her tears

and give her a big...

Hold on a second.

[Nintendo] Hello, Jake.

Who said that?

[Nintendo] You know who.

Nintendo?

[Nintendo] That's right.
Come over here.

I've missed you, Jake.

[Kathy] Hey, Jake.
Your dad and I
are gonna go upstairs

to get the fenelons a gift.

[John] Why?
They haven't given us anything.

[Kathy] Stay down here
with the toys and watch
your sister, okay?

[John] Jake.

- Jake.
- Huh?

Watch your sister.

Yeah.

[Nintendo] That's it.
Come over here, Jake.

You know you want to.

What am I gonna do about
my cabbage patch kid now, Jake?

[Nintendo]
Forget your sister, Jake.
She's useless.

You should be worried
about the wreaths.

Have you sold enough wreaths?

I'll do anything to be with you.

Who're you talking to?

We need a new plan.

Jake? Jake?

[Nintendo] Do you know
how many games
I have here, Jake?

I have all the games.

Way more than Timmy keane.

What game
would you like to play?

Joust.

Pick another one.
I don't have that one.

[Jake] Super Mario bros.

- Pick another one.
- Defender.

Hmm, how about rampage?

It's loaded up right now.

Cool. I'll do anything you say.

[Nintendo]
Very good. Yes.

You're such a good boy, Jake.

I can tell,
you've got what it takes.

You really think so?

[Nintendo] No. I know so.

[Adult Jake] Maybe it was
the excitement of the display,

or just the thrill of playing
in public,

but for some reason,
I started playing
the game of my life.

Dude, you're on fire.

[Adult Jake]
All other distractions
became irrelevant.

My senses had reached
a higher state.

I'd become one with Nintendo.

Yeah!

[Nintendo] Yes, yes.
You were born for this moment.

Whoa!
You're amazing!

What's your name, man?

[Nintendo] Go ahead.
Tell them your name, Jake.

Say it.

Jake Doyle!

[Nintendo] Jake Doyle.
Nintendo master.

[Crowd] Jake! Jake! Jake!

Jake! Jake! Jake!

[All chanting]

[Adult Jake] Before I knew it,
the entire mall was
chanting my name.

This was why I needed
a Nintendo.

This was my destiny.

Nothing could stop me now.

[Kathy] Jake! Jake!

[John] Jake Stephan Doyle!

Where is your sister?

[Stammering]

What's wrong with you?

- [Kathy] Lizzy!
- [John] Elizabeth!

You're a dead man, bro.

Lizzy!

Lizzy! Lizzy!

Lizzy!

Forget about her, Jake.
She's gone.

Shut up, Nintendo!
This is your fault!

How do you get into homes
that don't have chimneys?

The back door.

What if it's an apartment
with no back door?

The front door.

So you know how to pick locks?

That's me.

Do you know that's a felony?

Mom! She's over here!
I found her!

[Kathy] God, lizzy!

Oh, my god!

Mom, they might still have
cabbage patch kids
at the north pole.

Even ones with red hair.

Lizzy, we told you
to stay with Jake.

He was playing the Nintendo.

[John screaming]
God bless it, Jake!

Are you okay?

You start playing those games

your brains turn to mush
in, like, three minutes.

That's your sister!

It's not like
losing your retainer!

[Kathy] Hold on.

Five bags here, John. Hold on.

Open your mouth.

- John.
- What?

- Where's the
Marshall field's bag?
- Hey!

- Jake!
- [Kathy] Your turtleneck's
in it, John!

Jake!

[Adult Jake] The actual cost
of my retainer had been
explained to me

in the simple terms of,
"if you lose it, don't bother
coming home."

Jake!

- Hey!
- Jake!

Move! Jake!

[Adult Jake]
I figured it cost roughly
as much as a new car.

Where is it? Where is it?
Where is it?

Jake!

[Man] Whoa!

Jake! Ha!

[John sniggering]

[Elf] ♪ six geese a-laying ♪

♪ five... ♪

♪ Golden... ♪

[Elf] No, wait! What...
[Screaming]

- [John screaming]
- [Glass shattering]

Of course! Packer fans.

[Panting]

[John struggling]

Oh, my god.

Hey!

[Adult Jake] Safe.
Retainer retained.

[Breathlessly] Okay.

[Exhales]

[Softly] Okay.

[Kids chattering indistinctly]

[Josh] You let the girls
get punched!

[Adult Jake] The best part
of the shopping trip

besides not losing my retainer
or my sister

was that it turns out
there's a secret part
of the mall

where old people
sit by the piano.

I sold 22 more wreaths that day.

How many you got, Jake?

Um, 93.

You're selling wreaths, too?

What's a wreath?

[Radio playing]

[Train chugging]

[John humming]

- [Jake humming]
- Enough with the Dee-doos,
for crying out loud,

I'm trying to listen to this.

And stop fiddling
with the hand plane.

This is not a toy. See?

It's sharp.

[Clanking]

[Man on radio]
Konroyd over to larmer.
Larmer circling.

And has his pocket picked
by Shane corson...

You know...

If you want, sometime,
maybe I can...

Teach you how to use
some of those.

I kinda got a lot going on, dad.

Ah... right.

[Man on radio]
He dishes back to larmer.
Larmer down the near side,

over to savard...

[Louder] He shoots, he scores!

- Yes!
- Denis savard!

- Hawks now leading with one!
- Yeah, baby!

- [Exclaiming]
- And Claude lemieux
is still jawing away.

Quit your crying, Claude.

Yeah, you're all talk, no walk.

Remember that, Jake. Okay?

A bully like Claude lemieux
is not worth a hill of beans.

He's all talk, no walk.

Why are we under
this bridge, dad?

Talk to a guy about
the cabbage patch kids.

You know what
they look like, right?

Why does lizzy get to get
what she wants,

but I can't get what I want?

Do you wanna deal
with your sister

if she doesn't get
what she wants?

- No.
- Exactly.

I don't negotiate
with terrorists.

So you just give them
what they want?

- Yeah. You kidding?
- [Engine revving]

Okay. That's him.

Let me do
all the talking. Okay?

This feels kinda scary, dad.

Here, I'll take the handsaw.

Come on. Come on!

Can I help you boys?

[John] Yeah.

Word is that you've...

Come into a little cabbage?

Officer, please.
I'm just standing here.

I thought maybe you two
needed directions, so...

Relax, I'm not a cop.

What about 21 jump street
over here?

He's not a cop.

Come on, man. He's 11.

Yeah, I don't know that.

I mean, cops are crazy.
You ever see robocop?

That dude's half cop
and half robot.

You ever see that movie?

My mom wouldn't let me.

But my friend,
Mikey trotter, saw it.

Oh...

Yeah. He's good.
You're good.

He's not a cop, all right?
Now, come on.

Are you gonna sell us
a black-market
cabbage patch kid, or what?

Step into my office.

You boys need anything else
while you're here?

Some pound puppies?
Kidney? Nintendo?

- [Jake gasping]
- [John] No, just the doll.

We're gonna need a girl one.

A redhead with freckles.

Best patch in the tri-city.

Yeah, that looks good.

Yeah, does look good.

So what, are you two
having a father-son day? Yeah?

Something like that? Yeah?

Need a third?

Nah, I'm kidding.

I do miss my dad... a lot.

[John] Hey, this redhead
doesn't have any freckles.

Yeah, no,
the blond one's got freckles.

- All right, how much?
- $100.

One hundred? No.

Yeah, where else you gonna go?

Every store from wheaton
to winnetka's out.

Sixty bucks.

I got the name of two brothers
up in villa park
selling them for $50.

You know what?
We can go up there right now.

Yeah, yeah. The Diaz brothers.
No, no, no.

You do not want
any of their bald-headed junk.

Seventy. Last offer.

Oh, I can't say no to that face.

All right. $70.

- Comes with
a birth certificate.
- [Jake] Wow!

- Dad, that's...
- Signed right on the derriere.

[Dealer] Thanks.

[John snickering]

Can we ask about the Nintendo?

I got him down from $100.
Can you believe that?

[Chuckles]
Lizzy's gonna love it.

[Adult Jake]
Did it bother me
that my dad went to

herculean lengths
to get my sister a present?

Sorta.

But I was gonna get one
on my own.

[Mr. Halberg] Gentlemen.

Look deeply
into your candle's flame.

Stare at its dancing light.

Now, close your eyes.

What do you see?

You see the flame, gentlemen.

It burns even when
your eyes are closed

because we know that even when
we blow these candles out...

The loyal ranger scout flame
will never fade.

- [Kid farting]
- [Children giggling]

[Mr. Halberg clears throat]

[Sizzling]

Okay.

But I thought
loyal ranger scouts
were for boys.

And scouts are supposed
to have honor,

yet you're still here.

[Mr. Halberg]
Lots to get through
tonight, gents.

We've got the pinewood derby,

the loyalty day parade... oh...

I got another 'nam poem for you
entitled "a tie is not a loss."

Get to the wreaths, halberg!

- I'm sorry?
- The door necklaces.

Are you even in this troop?

[Chanting] Wreaths!
Wreaths! Wreaths!

Wreaths! Wreaths! Wreaths!

Okay. Okay!
We'll do the wreaths!

[Children cheering]

Okay. Calm down.

Now...

I know you've all been selling
very hard this year

so we've done our best
to make sure
that these prizes...

Are special.

[Adult Jake] Oh-ho!
Look at that!

First prize looked even bigger
than a normal nes system.

Who knew what other
Nintendo treasures
were under there?

Told you it came with
a free power pad.

Okay. [Clears throat]

In third place...

Jeffery farmer!

[Kids cheering]

Nobody cares about third place.

[Adult Jake]
Considering farmer's
constant claims to victory,

this was a delight to us all.

Anybody had a chance now.

"Subscription to boys' life."

- [Children laughing]
- Yes!

I grew up on that magazine.

[Mr. Halberg]
Great articles.

And in second place...

An amazing showing...

Teddy Hodges!

No!

[Adult Jake]
Sadly, the combined totals
of the Hodges twins

were only good enough
for silver.

It's a globe of the whole world!

All of it!

[Clanging]

[Adult Jake] There was
no second place when
it came to Nintendo.

And now...

- [Evan] This is it, this is it!
- This year's
first prize winner

of the wreath-selling contest.

The highest sales total
in troop history...

Jake Doyle!

[All cheering]

I won!

[Adult Jake] You can
put it on the board! Yes!

Oh, so many people to thank.

My friends, my family,
the Nintendo corporation...

Yes!

[Mr. Halberg]
This year's first prize...

The best we've had in years...

- Are you ready, Jake?
- Yeah.

A brand-new set
of world book encyclopedias!

What?

[Adult Jake]
It was like winning
more school.

No!

Where is it?
[Screaming]

- I hate you, halberg!
- [Mr. Halberg exclaiming] God.

[Adult Jake]
It didn't make any sense. Why?

Why had the troop leaders
promised us toys,
and then give us books?

Who could possibly be
behind something so terrible?

So awful, so villainous?

Dr. Timothy keane senior,
that's who.

Parents of batavia,
good evening.

-Hi.
-[Adult Jake]
Little did we know,

the night before
the wreath award ceremony,

Dr. Keane had
assembled a meeting

with the express purpose
of ruining our lives.

There was an incident
in my home recently.

A member of the keane family,
Lacy dog keane...

Was crushed to near death
by our 42-inch television set.

[Whispering] 42-inch,
that's a really nice
television set.

[Whispering] John.

Now I certainly do not blame
my boy, Timmy,

who is a gifted,
generous young man,

who has recently been diagnosed
with something called...

"Attention deficit..."

Blah, blah, blah. Whatever.

It's very serious...
[Sighs]

And it's extremely rare.

[Crying] So rare.

[Kisses and blows]

[Kisses] I love you.

Could I have the lights, please?

[Clicking]

Ladies and gentlemen...

The real culprit of
this dog-crippling crime...

Is video games.

Video games did this.

- [Crowd gasping]
- [Mrs. Keane whimpers]

And this.

[Crowd gasping loudly]

And this.

[Gasping]

And this.

Oh.

It's the same slide.

I meant, and this.

-[John]
Still same slide.
-God damn it!

Timmy dumped
cheese in here again.

You know you can't
give him cheese, Janice.
You know this.

Pookie.

[Sighs]

And this.

[Crowd exclaiming]

- The question is,
ladies and gentlemen...
- [Mrs. Keane crying]

[Man] Is that a dog?

What are we prepared
to do about it?

We should ban it!

- Ban it!
- Ban it! Ban it!

- No more dogs
are getting crushed in my town!
- No more.

- We must protect our dogs.
- Yes.

We must protect our community!

Yes!

[Mr. Keane]
It's modern technology
taking over our lives.

It's only gonna get worse.
It's all gonna go
downhill from here!

- [Mrs. Trotter] That's right.
- We've gotta stop it!

We've gotta burn it all,
burn it all to the ground.

- Burn it.
- Yeah.

Video game over!
Video game over!

Let me hear you.
Video game over! Louder.

[All chanting] Video game over!
Video game over!

- Let me hear you.
- [Chanting continues]

[Softly] Bring it down now.
Video game over.

[Adult Jake] Keane's panicked
propaganda continued on

well into the night.

It was a virtual
video game armageddon.

-[Mr. Halberg]
I can feel it! We're so close!
-[Crowd] Video game over!

Video game over!

[Adult Jake]
And there was nothing
we could do about it.

[Bugs bunny on TV]
No rabbit.

All those wreaths for nothing.

Did you know that
Australia's chief export
is coal briquettes?

[Sighs]

We interrupt this program
to bring you a special
news bulletin from Kane county.

Thank you, Walter.
We're here live in Geneva

with video game
violence activist
Dr. Timothy keane.

Dr. Keane, it's only
eight shopping days now

until Christmas,
and you've managed to pass

a county-wide ban
on selling video game systems.

- Is that correct?
- That is correct.

Every store in Kane county
has agreed to it.

And you really feel that
video games promote
violence enough

to make them illegal?

Has your dog ever been
crushed to near death
by your TV?

No, she has not.

[Dr. Keane on TV]
It's not a pretty sight.
Parents need to know the truth.

These games are pure evil,
and they've got to be stopped.

Video game over!
Video game over!

-Video game over!
-[Crowd chanting on TV]
Video game over!

He's a podiatrist.

Sorry, Jake.

Knock it off, lizzy.

No, I was being serious.
I know how much you wanted one.

I had it.

It was mine.

But now...

I'll never get one.

Here. You can have the remote.

Thanks, lizzy.

She gave you the remote?

I would never give Charlie
the remote.

You must've been a wreck.

Duh. They banned Nintendo.

So, if batavia banned Nintendo

and grandma and grandpa
won't get you one...

And you're doing
all these bad things,
all the time...

- Not all the time.
- Yes, all the time.

You're doing all these things,
and no one will get it for you,

then how did you get it?

How did you get the Nintendo?

Okay, calm down.

Should we take a break?
You wanna text Maeve...

No!

I wanna know
what happens in the story.

[Sighs]

You see, Annie...

Sometimes during Christmas...

Just when you think that
all hope is lost...

Something magical happens.

Some people call it
a Christmas miracle.

Well, this miracle happened
at the roller rink.

What's a roller rink?

[Sighs]

[Adult Jake]
Six days until Christmas
and it was officially official.

None of us were getting
a Nintendo.

[Evan] My cousin in elmhurst
might get one still.

That's in cook county.

Dupage county.

- How do you know?
- I got encyclopedias.

[Jeff] Come on, guys.
We still got each other.

- [Boy] Watch out!
- [Gasps]

[Glass breaking]

- [Jeff] Sorry.
- Objectively,
I know that's hilarious

but I just don't have it in me
to laugh right now.

[Adult Jake] It was
the Hodges' birthday party.

The dreaded Christmas birthday.

Not only did the twins have to
share a birthday between them,

they had to share it
with Christmas to boot.

"Happy birthday
and merry Christmas.
Love, grandma."

What a rip-off.

"P.s. This gift
is for you two to share."

-Fresh packs.
Who wants to open?
-[All] Me!

- You got Chris sabo.
- Need it.

Need it. Got it.
Need it.

You gonna eat your gum?

Ow!

Mmm...

Uh, I got a ripken.
Billy ripken.

[Tammy] Who cares about
Billy ripken?

[Chuckles in disbelief]

What?

What? What is it?

You guys are not gonna
believe this.

Look! Right there! On his bat!

- [Jake] Oh, my gosh!
- [Evan] A swear word.

That's a bad one.

- What does it say?
- [Evan] Don't read it out loud.

I'm not allowed
to hear swear words.

"Swear word dash face."

Which swear word? A-face?

Mmm-mmm.

- S-face?
- Mmm-mmm.

Wait. F-Face?

Bingo.

It's an error card.

It's the greatest error card
of all time!

Billy ripken.

Ninety-five bucks!

[Cheering]

Ninety-five dollars?
You're a millionaire!

Yeah, couple more of those,
and you can buy
your own Nintendo.

Guys...

I got it.

[Jeff] I don't get it.

[Jake] What do you mean,
you don't get it?

It's a very clear 15-point plan.

- I think you spelled
"covert" wrong.
- [Mikey] Okay.

The field trip is Monday
at 0900 hours to Chicago.

- So?
- So, they still sell
nintendos there.

So?

So, we sell some baseball cards,

get some money...

We sneak out of the field trip
and buy our own Nintendo.

Oh, now I get it. But wait,
how's that 15 steps?

That's like... three.

I don't know.
We could get in trouble.

I can't get in trouble now.
It's almost Christmas.

Forget Christmas.

This is bigger than Christmas.

[Jake] This is our
one and only chance
to get a Nintendo.

One that we can play on our own.

We don't have to worry about
taking our boots off,

or getting in line...

Or any of that stuff.

We can totally do this!

- This is our Vietnam.
- [Mikey] Yeah.

I don't think that means
what you think it means.

I have no idea what it means.

But who's with me?

I'm in.

Check, check. Over.

[Both] We're in.

I'm in.

Nope.

- [Tammy] Forget it.
- What?

Baseball cards, farmer.

Come on!
What's a guy gotta do?

Olsen?

[Sighs]

We're gonna
get in so much trouble.

[All cheering]

[All] One, two, three, Nintendo!

[All cheering]

[Jake] Got it!

Nice, Tammy.

[Evan] Safe and secure.

Here we go!

[Annie] Oh, no!
Not jagorski.

What's he gonna do?

I'll give you a hint.

Nothing good.

[Mrs. Hugo]
It's my favorite field trip.
Off to the art institute.

- Duffle bag?
- Check.

- Blanket?
- Check. In the bag.

- Walkie-talkies?
- Check.

Camouflage, check.

Not necessary, farmer.
But I like the spirit.

Personally, I prefer
a woodland pattern,

you know, for urban combat.

[Jeff] I agree.

How are you feeling, Olsen?

Not good. [Gags]

Perfect.

Nice trapper keeper, Doyle.

I heard it's good
for money management.

[Jake struggling]

[Josh growls]

- That's ours!
- Not anymore.

You can't do that!

Oh, yeah?
And what are you
gonna do about it?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

Your Nintendo's mine.
[Grunts]

[Laughs wickedly]

[Josh] What up, miss Hugo?

Oh, man. This is so bad.

I don't think it could get
any worse.

Jake Doyle.

Where do you think you're going?

On the bus to the art institute?

Not like that.

No boots, no field trip.

[Adult Jake]
At first, I thought,
"maybe no one will notice."

Hey, everybody!
Jake Doyle's wearing
girls' boots!

[Children laughing]

[Mockingly] They're so pretty.

I have the same kind.

Reoccurring nightmares
of Freddy krueger
and the '84 cubs

quickly fell to the wayside.

It was a bad dream come to life.

Wow! Nice boots, Doyle.

Hey, why don't you come back
and have a seat?

Hey, you wanna hear
about my ant farm?

They're all dead. The uncles
are still alive, though.

[Knuckles thumping]

[Adult Jake] The entire plan
hung in the balance.

And I was stuck next to a kid
eating erasers like tic tacs.

Erasers are good.
Do you want one?

- No.
- All right.

♪ When you're
runnin' into first
then you feel a juicy burst ♪

♪ diarrhea, diarrhea ♪

♪ when you're
sliding into third
and you feel a juicy turd ♪

♪ diarrhea, diarrhea ♪

♪ when you're sliding into home
and your pants
are full of foam ♪

♪ diarrhea, diarrhea ♪

We're almost to the spot.

Olsen's getting nervous.
What do we do?

I don't know.

Just initiate phase one
and I'll think of something.

Okay.

[Whispering]
What about the money?

[Exhales]

Mrs. Hugo.

- Evan, what are you doing
out of your seat?
- I don't feel good.

Okay, I...
We're gonna be...

Don't be scared of jagorski,
he's only big in size.

Think of something happy.

Tell me your favorite letters
of the alphabet.

In order,
mine are t, k, a, I, e...

O, u, q, x.

Well, well,
look at what we got here.

We gotta get
the Nintendo now. I can...

Not listening to you, Doyle.
The money's mine.

- We gotta go now, or...
- Or else?

Are you gonna make me?

Go back and sit
with your dork girlfriend

in your girl boots!

[Thudding]

Are you gonna cry now?

[Josh crying mockingly]

[Adult Jake]
And that's when it hit me.

Connor stump wasn't a weirdo.
He was a rebel.

He didn't care about
being called names.

He didn't care about bullies,
so why should I?

Nintendo or not,

jagorski had been
king of the mountain
for too long.

[Josh mockingly]
"I'm wearing feminine footwear.

"Why did I bring it to school?

"My little mommy
put flowers on my shoes!"

You're all talk,
no walk, jagorski.

You're not worth
a hill of beans.

Wha... what does that mean?

It means you're just
a sad little bully.

And if you don't give me back
my trapper keeper right now

the only one crying
is gonna be you,

buttface!

Now!

Okay, okay.

[Timidly] Okay.

And my mom got me these boots.
And I hate them, too!

But I love my mom.

- [Evan] I know, I...
- Sit down.

Just tell me what it is.
I mean, is it your stomach?

Do you actually think that
maybe you could have...

[Children screaming]

[School bus braking]

[Children clamoring]

Just sit down!
Sit down, everybody, okay?

[Mrs. Hugo] Oh, my gosh!
Are you okay?

[Jake] Get the alarm!
Get the alarm!

[Mikey] Walkies.

Open the door!

All right, go, go, go!

[Alarm ringing]

Yippee-ki-yay, Doyle!

Red dog, this is blue bird.
Approaching the mall. Over.

Blue bird, this is Rambo one.

- What happened to red dog?
- I changed it.

We're allowed
to change names now?

Let's just start over.

Rambo one, this is
millennium falcon super cool.

[Whooping]
Love it!

Approaching Michigan Avenue.

-Careful there, kid.
It's slippery.
-Thanks.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Coming through. Sorry.

[Adult Jake]
Our testing had made it clear.

Two cans of spaghettios
in Olsen's stomach

equaled roughly
nine minutes of vomit.

That was our window
to buy a Nintendo

and make it back to the bus
before Olsen ran out of puke.

Excuse me.

As long as I didn't run into
any major obstacles

I figured I'd be good to go...
Oh, god!

Video game over!
Video game over!

Are you kidding me?

Rambo one, we have a problem.

What's the problem,
millennium super whatever?

Your mom
and Mrs. Keane are here.

-What?
-[Jake over radio]
I repeat, your mom

and Mrs. Keane
are outside the store.

I can't get past them
without them seeing me.

-Don't go in there. D
-don't go in that store.

Don't spend your money.
Stay in school!

Get your mom
under control, trotter!

[Groans] Darn it!

Jake, what are we gonna do?

I don't know.
That's why I'm calling you.

Abort! Abort!

- [Both] No!
- No.

No abort. We just need to
get them out of the way.

Maybe we could page
them over the intercom?

Tell them they have a call.

Guys, there's a payphone
across the street.

Yes! Okay. How's Olsen?
Give me a puke check.

[Mrs. Hugo]
Your poor little tummy...

Okay, feeling bad for you.
I'm feeling very bad.

Okay!

Could I get some help here?

I knew I should've
kept dancing in Vegas.
Knew it.

He ate a whole bag
of candy corn for breakfast.

- We should be good.
- Okay, we can make it
to the payphone, Jake.

But what do we say?

I don't know. Something good.

Something good like what?

-I don't know!
Make something up.
-[Groans]

Did someone say
"make something up"?

[Woman over pa system]
Paging Mrs. Trotter
and Mrs. Keane

please come to
the white courtesy phone.

You have
an emergency phone call.

- I'm Mrs. Keane.
- What's going on?

Oh, my gosh! An emergency?

Let's go.

[Mrs. Keane]
I hope it's not Timmy.

He said something about
stabbing our water bed
this morning.

It worked!

Okay, I'm going in.
Keep them on the phone.

Copy that.

Doing good.

Oh, hey, here it is.

- Hello?
- Hello, Mrs. Trotter.

- [Mrs. Keane over phone] No.
- I mean, Mrs. Keane. Right.

- Who is this?
- This is your nephew.

I don't have a nephew.

I know you don't have a nephew.
That's exactly why I'm calling.

I'm with
the international nieces
and nephews collective.

The international nieces
and nephews collective?

- That's right.
- What's that?

Well, we're based in Canada.

-[In Canadian accent]
Oh, you are, eh? Hi.
-Canada.

Four minutes, super falcon.
You got this.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Makes perfect sense
if you think about it.

You don't have a nephew,
you would like a nephew,

the collective is here to help.

- Can you make
any sense of this?
- Sure.

- Uh, hello?
- Hello?

I just wanted you to know
making prank calls
is very wrong.

Super cool, come in.
Farmer's losing them.

You've gotta hurry.

-[Nintendo]
Where's your sister, Jake?
-Shut up, Nintendo.

And it's also against the law.

You wanna know
what else would be criminal?

Letting your son go
another holiday season

without experiencing
the joys of sponsoring
an adopted cousin.

We're just trying
to spread joy to the world.

[Both] Aw.

That makes sense.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

She bought it.
Someone believed me.

[Mrs. Trotter over phone]
I can hear you.

Sorry, ma'am,
but this is a matter
of national security.

All right.
You're feeling better?

Can we go back in the bus now?

Yeah, he's dry heaving.
You're good.

Olsen is dry! Repeat!
We are out of puke!

- And I'm your nephew.
- Okay. You know what?

I think now you're
starting to mock me
and this is harassment.

- Good bye.
- Hello?

- Hello?
- [Dial tone beeping]

Drat!

I lost them, I lost them,
I lost them.

And farmer is off the phone.

[Mikey over comms]
Repeat. Farmer's off the phone.

Look out for keane and my mom.

-[Mrs. Trotter]
I don't understand either.
-[Mrs. Keane] Was it a survey?

[Both continue indistinctly]

[Jake] Excuse me.

Oh, god.

I got past them,
I'm in the clear!

[Mikey over comms]
The bus is moving, Jake.

The stoplight is still
the rendezvous.
You're gonna make it.

[Adult Jake]
This was it. This was it.

Victory was mine.
I could taste it.

Yes. Yes.

No!

[Slow motion screaming] No!

[All] No!

That can't be good.

- [Thumps]
- Damn.

So, you're not gonna get
what you wanted for Christmas.

Ain't gonna lie.
That's a tough one, kid.

You could give me the Nintendo
you have in your trunk.

I said you're not gonna get
what you wanted
for Christmas this year.

One year, for Christmas,
when I was a kid,

know what I wanted?
I wanted a donkey.

A donkey. Can you believe that?

Yeah. Be kind of a weird thing
to make up.

Well, I did.

All November, all December,
that's all I could think about.

All I could talk about.

Donkey this, donkey that.
How am I gonna get this donkey?

And guess what happened
Christmas morning?

- You got a donkey?
- No.

Who gets a donkey?

No. I...

No. I realized that I spent
the whole Christmas season

worrying about
something I wanted

and I stopped appreciating
what I already had.

Was it like a hamster
or dog or something?

No, my family. My life.

You know, you only get
so many christmases, kid.

You gotta make them count.

Hey, I bet you haven't even
told somebody "merry Christmas"
this year, have you?

All right, come on, get up.
I'll get you a cab. Come on.

Yo! Taxi!

Let's get you back
with your field trip.

- Where's you headed?
- Art institute.

Drop him off
at the side door on Monroe.

- Okay?
- Got it.

Tell security you got lost.

Is there any way
I can pay you back somehow?

Nah. I fleeced your dad
for that patch.

You gotta do me a favor, though.

- What's that?
- Have a merry Christmas.

- [Christmas bells jingling]
- [Horse neighing]

Wake up, wake up.
Is it time yet?

Is it time yet, Jake?

Let's go!

[Festive music playing]

[Whispering] Wow!

[Adult Jake]
Ten years of visual
unwrapping experience

I could tell right away
there was no Nintendo
under that tree.

Fat ladies standing by
quietly warmed
their vocal chords.

Lizzy, no opening the presents
until we pass them out.

You know the rules.

[Rattling]

Legos?

Let's just get this over with.

Okay...

Let's have some Christmas.

And...

- [John] Three, two, one...
- Merry Christmas!

It's Christmas morning, 1988.

Opening our presents!

- Looking good.
- Merry Christmas.

[Kathy] Merry Christmas.

- Okay, hold on.
- Cheese.

[Lizzy giggling]

[Kathy] Boop. Boop.

- [John] How are you, Jake?
- Boop.

[John] Cheer up!

[Kathy] Merry Christmas.

[John] Thank you, honey.

[John] Come on, buddy.
Thumbs up.

Great, all right, cool.

[Gasping] Leg warmers.

[Exclaiming] What?
I got a sander.

Bookends?

For your encyclopedia set.

Great.

And they have baseballs on them.

I see that.

A cabbage patch kid!

Wow! Freckles!

I'm sorry it's not a redhead.

Thank you so much.
I love you.

I love you, too.

[Loud buzzing]

Another great Christmas.

You know, every holiday that
I spend with you guys

is a real blessing.

[Shouting] What?

I said, "every holiday that
I spend with you guys..."

John. John!

John.

[Sander stopping]

Do you have to
do that right now?

Yeah, but... you gave it to me.

Okay.

Never mind, honey. I feel like
the moment just passed.

[Thudding]

-[Gasps]
-[Adult Jake]
And that's when I saw it.

[Barks]

It was the exact size and shape
of the box I'd held in my hands

not three days before.

"To Jake. From uncle Dan."

Of course.
Crazy rich uncle Dan.

Huh. A gift from uncle Dan.

You haven't gotten
as much as a postcard
in the last three years.

Where's he living again now?

Japan.

[Adult Jake]
Japan. Japan.

Home of Nintendo.

The land where dreams come true.

Oh, god, don't mess with me now.

It's got your name on it, Jake.

[John] What'd he say
he was sending?

I have no idea.

Come on, come on.

It has to be. It has to be.

[Adult Jake] Lite-brite?

Lite-brite?

Lite-brite.

Japanese lite-brite.

Wow! Lite-brite!

- Yeah.
- Jake, that's fun.

You know, for a second there,
I thought it was a Nintendo.

[Laughs]

[Adult Jake] As I slowly tried
to grasp the situation

I began to fear that I might
never recover from this.

This was a tragedy so great
that I'd never go to prom,

never go to college,
never leave the house.

I'd become
a 30-year-old balding man
in his parents' basement

making elaborate pictures
of Zelda on his lite-brite.

Christmas was dead to me now.

- Hello?
- Hey, trotter.

- Hey.
- You didn't get one either?

- Nah, I got a chia pet.
- You got a chia pet?

The Hodges struck out, too.

Yeah, yeah.
I heard about the Hodges.

They just got
a new bike... to share.

Yep.

Farmer says he got one,
but he also says
he got a jetpack. So...

Yeah, right.

I guess we all struck out.

Well, I gotta go.

- See ya.
- See ya, man.

[Line disconnects]

[Sighs]

[Annie] Wait a second.
So, you didn't get one?

None of your friends got one?

What kind of a story is this?

Whose Nintendo
were we even playing?

Here, come with me.

[Kathy] ...Gifts for
granny and grandpa
are in the blue bag.

[Kathy speaking indistinctly]

We're going to Minnesota
for three days, Kathy.

You've been in our car.
I've seen you in it.

You know how big it is.

John, you're getting
a little bit of a tone.

I feel like maybe we should
leave tomorrow morning.

No. I'm not hitting traffic.

- Jake!
- What?

Oh.

Hey, there's still a ton
of poop in the backyard. Okay?

So, get a shovel and pick it up.

Why? I mean, come on. Please?

It's Christmas.

Fine.

Come on. Pick them up
and put them down, buddy.

- We gotta go.
- Yep.

[John] Hey,
start with the ones
behind the shed.

Dad! The floodlights!

[Adult Jake]
And there, high above
the frozen dog poo

that had become
the bane of my existence

was the most
beautiful structure
I had ever laid my eyes on.

Whoa!

A tree fort.

A spectacular,
solid-wood tree fort.

Oh, it was breathtaking.

Wow.

Wowee.

It has a trapdoor!

Your dad was up all night
finishing it.

No, careful by the paint!

It still looks wet.

Dad! It's awesome!

I'm gonna get the video camera.

Nah, nah.

- No?
- Nah.

Let him be.

[Sighs]

[Chuckles]

So, dad...

The Nintendo was here
in the fort, right?

It was somewhere hidden in here?

Nope.

Then how'd you get it?

I never got it as a present.
I had to work for it.

Spent a whole summer caddying
at prairie pines golf course.

Then grandpa said
I could buy my own.

But I'll tell you what,
this tree fort turned out to be
a pretty great present.

Mmm-hmm.

It's my favorite place
at grandma and grandpa's.

Me, too.

[Kathy] Dinner's ready!
Come on in!

Grandma! Hi, grandma!

Hey, mom!
Didn't know you guys were back.

Well, we are.

Now get your buns in here
and give me a hug.

Phew.

[Sniffing]

Smell that?

[Inhaling deeply]

Fresh air?

Fresh air.

Hockey stick slats
turned out okay, huh?

Thanks for your help.

[Clicking]

Here. Carve your initial.

Every good craftsman
leaves their Mark.

That's a good spot.

There you go.

[John] There,
you got it. Yeah.

Not bad.

Maybe this summer
we could add a lookout tower.

Totally.

[Adult Jake]
Peacefully, my mind unfolded
all the tree fort adventures

that undoubtedly lay ahead.

Flashlight campouts
with Olsen and the Hodges

ridiculous ghost stories
from farmer

and late-night
skygazing with trotter
for Soviet spy planes.

And then a dog
was crushed by a TV.

Oh, and mom,
dad skipped out
on a field trip.

It was the most crazy story
I've ever heard.

Thank you.
Crazy and exciting and amazing.

So, that was the first thing
you and grandpa
built together, right?

Yes, Annie, but I had a point.

I know your point, dad.

I'm not getting a phone,

but Christmas
can still be great.

That... yeah, pretty much.

But you left out the best part.

Yes. Our matching
purple floral boots.

Katie sorrentino, I would never.

- [Kathy] Okay.
- Really?

Those boots were $11.99,
and I thought they
looked great.

[Annie] No, dad.

That was the Christmas
you and grandpa
found your thing.

Which is a miracle, too,
'cause that man
could not find anything.

[Both chuckle]

[Sighs]

Thanks, kiddo.

You think maybe
we could borrow
some of his tools

and work on the fort tomorrow?

Yeah.

I think he'd like that.

[Adult Jake] Turns out
John Doyle was more than
just a guy who yelled a lot

and could never quite
finish the kitchen.

He was a magician.

He was a hero.

He was my dad.

Come on.

Gotta hit the road.

Don't wanna hit any traffic.

Okay.

[Groans]

All right.

- Hey, dad?
- Yeah?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Jake.