Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:04,201 --> 00:00:09,209
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:12,163
We all know why we're here.
3
00:00:12,164 --> 00:00:13,878
We need to stop Joe Biden
4
00:00:13,879 --> 00:00:15,890
from running away with the
Democratic nomination.
5
00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:17,062
The stakes couldn't be higher...
6
00:00:17,063 --> 00:00:18,335
If I don't get this president job,
7
00:00:18,336 --> 00:00:19,609
I gotta move back in with my mom.
8
00:00:19,610 --> 00:00:20,812
We gotta do something quick.
9
00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:23,252
I promised my girlfriend that
I was gonna be president!
10
00:00:23,253 --> 00:00:24,711
She said that's not why she likes me,
11
00:00:24,712 --> 00:00:25,998
but what else could it be?!
12
00:00:25,999 --> 00:00:28,127
If I just introduce one more policy,
13
00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:30,444
then that should catapult me to the top!
14
00:00:30,445 --> 00:00:31,669
Lizzy, you have a problem...
15
00:00:31,670 --> 00:00:34,127
You gotta stop introducing policies!
16
00:00:34,128 --> 00:00:37,002
You're right. This calls for
a policy reduction plan...
17
00:00:37,003 --> 00:00:40,059
30% fewer policies by 2024!
18
00:00:40,060 --> 00:00:41,721
You're doing it again, Lizzy!
19
00:00:41,722 --> 00:00:44,456
I KNOW! BUT I CAN'T STOP!
20
00:00:44,457 --> 00:00:46,184
Whoa. Hey. Voters don't
want to hear about policies
21
00:00:46,185 --> 00:00:47,502
that improve their lives.
22
00:00:47,503 --> 00:00:49,335
Maybe Biden will stop campaigning
23
00:00:49,336 --> 00:00:51,210
if we tell every voter
to shave their head
24
00:00:51,211 --> 00:00:52,832
so he has no hair to smell.
25
00:00:52,833 --> 00:00:54,845
Ooh, I have a way to stop Joe Biden.
26
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:55,878
Yes?
27
00:00:55,879 --> 00:00:57,836
You just gotta put a little fear in him.
28
00:00:57,837 --> 00:01:02,586
Like I did to a silly assistant
who forgot to charge my iPad.
29
00:01:02,587 --> 00:01:04,669
I deleted his Social Security number
30
00:01:04,670 --> 00:01:07,445
and hired a family to
move into his apartment
31
00:01:07,446 --> 00:01:09,419
so he thought he never existed.
32
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:11,919
Last time I saw him, he was
tearing his clothes off
33
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:13,753
and running into the forest!
34
00:01:13,754 --> 00:01:16,389
Stop it! You're scaring Pete Buttigieg!
35
00:01:16,390 --> 00:01:18,335
I need someone to stay in my
room until I fall asleep.
36
00:01:18,336 --> 00:01:21,294
I'll do it. I usually
stay up to 2 a.m. anyway
37
00:01:21,295 --> 00:01:23,981
searching my pockets
for oyster crackers.
38
00:01:23,982 --> 00:01:25,169
What about you, Bernie?
39
00:01:25,170 --> 00:01:27,335
You've taken a bigger hit
in the polls than anyone.
40
00:01:27,336 --> 00:01:30,294
Oh, I don't care about the
polls or what I look like
41
00:01:30,295 --> 00:01:33,119
or if I'm giving a speech in
the bathtub like a lunatic.
42
00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,838
I just care about the one percent
43
00:01:34,839 --> 00:01:38,266
and never biting into a
nectarine that isn't ripe!
44
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:39,812
There's gotta be a way!
45
00:01:39,814 --> 00:01:41,779
Pete, you're the latest candidate
voters are desperately
46
00:01:41,781 --> 00:01:44,280
projecting their hopes onto.
How do we take down Biden?
47
00:01:44,281 --> 00:01:47,196
I respect Biden, but
he lacks experience.
48
00:01:47,197 --> 00:01:49,113
For example, has he
ever put L.E.D. bulbs
49
00:01:49,114 --> 00:01:50,947
in the downtown traffic lights?
50
00:01:50,948 --> 00:01:54,447
Oh, I didn't know it was Bring
Your Annoying Kid to Work Day.
51
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:57,668
Hey, Peter, Beto here's gonna
show you how a copier works!
52
00:01:57,669 --> 00:01:59,363
I know how a copier works, okay?
53
00:01:59,364 --> 00:02:01,188
I wrote my thesis on how a copier works.
54
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:03,655
We could ask Mayor de Blasio,
but he really sucks big-time.
55
00:02:03,656 --> 00:02:06,184
Kamala, you seem like the only
competent human being here.
56
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:07,196
What should we do?
57
00:02:07,197 --> 00:02:09,004
I say give the nomination to Joe.
58
00:02:09,005 --> 00:02:10,363
He names me V.P.,
59
00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:12,822
I start practicing for
my Mike Pence debate.
60
00:02:12,823 --> 00:02:15,405
I might start right now...
"I'm a cop, Mike Pence!
61
00:02:15,406 --> 00:02:18,280
I have two Tasers. One
for each of your nuts!"
62
00:02:18,281 --> 00:02:20,697
If only we could combine
all our strengths,
63
00:02:20,698 --> 00:02:22,530
Joe Biden wouldn't stand a chance.
64
00:02:22,531 --> 00:02:23,864
I got it!
65
00:02:25,703 --> 00:02:27,447
Here's a question from the audience.
66
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:29,447
How will you guarantee
quality health care
67
00:02:29,448 --> 00:02:30,739
for every American?
68
00:02:30,740 --> 00:02:32,739
We have developed the modern world's
69
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:34,655
most comprehensive health-care plan.
70
00:02:34,656 --> 00:02:36,697
And it also somehow
solves global warming.
71
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,447
Yeah!
72
00:02:38,448 --> 00:02:40,739
And, Mr. Biden, your health-care plan?
73
00:02:40,740 --> 00:02:43,113
Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me get
back to you on that one.
74
00:02:43,114 --> 00:02:45,655
Hey! You guys remember Barack Obama?!
75
00:02:45,656 --> 00:02:48,280
I was his vice president!
76
00:02:48,281 --> 00:02:50,947
I'm Joe Biden! Joe Biden! I'm
Joe Biden and that's it!
77
00:02:50,948 --> 00:02:52,238
- Damn it!
- Damn it!
78
00:02:54,531 --> 00:02:57,447
Sorry! The title is redacted!
79
00:03:05,336 --> 00:03:08,628
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and when
I shave, my beard screams.
80
00:03:08,629 --> 00:03:10,780
President Trump has refused to resupply
81
00:03:10,781 --> 00:03:14,613
the International Space Station
until Democrats approve
82
00:03:14,614 --> 00:03:18,072
a border wall that shoots flames
shaped like Steven Seagal.
83
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:21,488
But the President caved after
millions of schoolchildren
84
00:03:21,489 --> 00:03:23,113
watched starving astronauts
85
00:03:23,114 --> 00:03:25,238
resort to eating their treadmill.
86
00:03:25,239 --> 00:03:28,363
Let's go live to the President. Wolf?
87
00:03:28,364 --> 00:03:31,572
I'm dropping this fight, even
though the astronauts told me
88
00:03:31,573 --> 00:03:34,196
that me getting my way was
worth an orbiting tomb.
89
00:03:34,197 --> 00:03:37,072
- Mr. President? Mr. President?
- Yes, Jim Acosta?
90
00:03:37,073 --> 00:03:39,697
Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh
criticized you for caving.
91
00:03:39,698 --> 00:03:41,780
I don't have a question. I just
wanted to see you feel bad.
92
00:03:41,781 --> 00:03:43,447
I didn't cave. I punted.
93
00:03:43,448 --> 00:03:45,113
The Dems will bobble the ball,
94
00:03:45,114 --> 00:03:47,030
I'll pick it up, score a touchdown,
95
00:03:47,031 --> 00:03:49,030
give the big halftime
locker-room speech,
96
00:03:49,031 --> 00:03:51,447
tell my teammates, "This is our
moment, this is our time."
97
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,280
We come out screaming, win the game,
98
00:03:53,281 --> 00:03:54,780
we go party at Troy's lake house,
99
00:03:54,781 --> 00:03:56,363
I get my flaming border wall.
100
00:03:56,364 --> 00:03:57,905
No more questions.
101
00:03:57,906 --> 00:03:59,530
Just because you can't see us
102
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,572
doesn't mean we can't see
the top of your head.
103
00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:04,321
- How about now?
- Better.
104
00:04:04,322 --> 00:04:08,072
Ooh! I hope Hannity's
on Hannity tonight!
105
00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:09,321
Everyone, shut up!
106
00:04:09,322 --> 00:04:11,030
Whoo! That's him!
107
00:04:11,031 --> 00:04:14,864
After those pathetic astronauts
undermined our president,
108
00:04:14,865 --> 00:04:19,072
I'm calling on all Americans
to open fire at space!
109
00:04:19,073 --> 00:04:21,530
Joining me now, conservative provocateur
110
00:04:21,531 --> 00:04:23,905
and bat-winged guardian
of Snake Mountain,
111
00:04:23,906 --> 00:04:25,238
Ann Coulter.
112
00:04:25,239 --> 00:04:26,655
Maybe she's cool now.
113
00:04:26,656 --> 00:04:29,072
I'm not happy with the President.
114
00:04:29,073 --> 00:04:30,905
Sean, the so-called "deplorables"
115
00:04:30,906 --> 00:04:32,822
got Trump elected, and
if he's not willing
116
00:04:32,823 --> 00:04:35,739
to starve astronauts to
keep out starving migrants,
117
00:04:35,740 --> 00:04:37,655
can he really call
himself a conservative?
118
00:04:37,656 --> 00:04:40,572
I am sorry, Mr. President.
119
00:04:40,573 --> 00:04:42,780
I should've never brought
on Slenderman's wife.
120
00:04:42,781 --> 00:04:44,780
Swap her out, stat!
121
00:04:44,781 --> 00:04:46,540
Ha! You got the goat!
122
00:04:46,541 --> 00:04:48,363
Ah-ha-ha! There he is!
123
00:04:48,364 --> 00:04:49,905
He's playing accordion! And look at it!
124
00:04:51,781 --> 00:04:54,613
Ann Coulter is the worst
boss in the world.
125
00:04:54,614 --> 00:04:56,739
Sir, the challenge of
every dumb, fat president
126
00:04:56,740 --> 00:04:59,321
is to balance the moderates
and the extremists.
127
00:04:59,322 --> 00:05:01,488
You know, the fancies
and the hill people.
128
00:05:01,489 --> 00:05:03,280
The moderates and the extremists.
129
00:05:03,281 --> 00:05:04,989
Someone just said that, Ben.
130
00:05:04,990 --> 00:05:06,822
Yes, I just heard myself say it.
131
00:05:06,823 --> 00:05:09,447
I hear myself saying stuff all the time.
132
00:05:09,448 --> 00:05:11,989
Sometimes it's hard to
listen to stuff I'm saying
133
00:05:11,990 --> 00:05:13,864
while thinking of new things to say.
134
00:05:13,866 --> 00:05:15,488
- Even now, I'm just...
- Holy shit.
135
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:17,572
You see, being a conservative president
136
00:05:17,573 --> 00:05:20,655
is about riding two
horses at the same time.
137
00:05:20,656 --> 00:05:23,321
One horse is a spitfire
named Ann Coulter
138
00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:25,280
who wants to trample poor people.
139
00:05:25,281 --> 00:05:27,780
The other is a stallion
named Mitt Romney,
140
00:05:27,781 --> 00:05:31,280
who wants to do the same thing,
only while carrying a briefcase.
141
00:05:31,281 --> 00:05:33,030
Is that a metaphor or
do you know a horse
142
00:05:33,031 --> 00:05:34,363
that carries a briefcase?
143
00:05:34,364 --> 00:05:36,447
Forget Ann Coulter and the Deplorables.
144
00:05:36,448 --> 00:05:38,572
You're gonna need support
from vaccinated Republicans
145
00:05:38,573 --> 00:05:40,739
like Romney when the
Democrats finally figure out
146
00:05:40,740 --> 00:05:42,697
- that treason is a crime.
- You're right!
147
00:05:42,698 --> 00:05:45,405
I'm pretty sure Romney loves me
as much as someone who spends
148
00:05:45,406 --> 00:05:48,530
their last pennies mailing
pipe bombs to George Soros.
149
00:05:50,224 --> 00:05:53,447
I don't like pandering to
whackos like Ann Coulter.
150
00:05:53,448 --> 00:05:55,363
I like pandering to you.
151
00:05:55,364 --> 00:05:58,280
You're smart, savvy, eat
five yogurts a day,
152
00:05:58,281 --> 00:06:00,405
refer to bad drivers as "buddy,"
153
00:06:00,406 --> 00:06:03,155
all your teeth are the same
tooth over and over again.
154
00:06:03,156 --> 00:06:05,488
What I'm saying is you're great.
155
00:06:05,489 --> 00:06:06,989
I appreciate that, Mr. President,
156
00:06:06,990 --> 00:06:08,363
and I respect your office.
157
00:06:08,364 --> 00:06:10,655
That's not how people
talk, Mitt, but okay.
158
00:06:10,656 --> 00:06:13,697
The Mueller Report accused me
of some pretty baseless facts.
159
00:06:13,698 --> 00:06:16,155
Can I count on your fanatical,
unconditional support?
160
00:06:16,156 --> 00:06:17,655
Sir, my only loyalty
161
00:06:17,656 --> 00:06:20,155
is to my country, my God, and the truth.
162
00:06:20,156 --> 00:06:21,864
Lookie here, Truthy!
163
00:06:21,865 --> 00:06:24,947
You know all that nice stuff I
said earlier? I take it back!
164
00:06:24,948 --> 00:06:27,238
One tooth looks slightly
different than the other teeth.
165
00:06:27,239 --> 00:06:29,072
Sir, have you no decency?
166
00:06:29,073 --> 00:06:32,780
Oh, I have decency coming out my ass!
167
00:06:33,906 --> 00:06:37,113
Excuse me. "Anus." Geez!
168
00:06:37,114 --> 00:06:39,655
Dong! Fox News alert!
169
00:06:39,656 --> 00:06:41,238
I assume I'm dreaming,
170
00:06:41,239 --> 00:06:43,613
but cameras have just
spotted President Trump
171
00:06:43,614 --> 00:06:46,947
and known French spy Mitt
Romney out to dinner.
172
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,530
God willing, the President
was just at a handjob parlor
173
00:06:49,531 --> 00:06:51,238
that shares a door with the restaurant
174
00:06:51,239 --> 00:06:52,989
and also gives to-go bags.
175
00:06:52,990 --> 00:06:55,113
Joining me now is Ann Coulter...
176
00:06:55,114 --> 00:06:56,739
Maybe it's a different Ann Coulter.
177
00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:58,947
- ...author of "How to Cook a Liberal."
- Damn it!
178
00:06:58,948 --> 00:07:01,072
The Romney dinner was a
betrayal of every Trump voter,
179
00:07:01,073 --> 00:07:04,280
from alcoholic Jet Ski dealers
to sunburned sheriffs.
180
00:07:04,281 --> 00:07:06,405
The President takes
us for granted, Sean.
181
00:07:06,406 --> 00:07:08,947
He probably doesn't even want
to shove fleeing refugees.
182
00:07:08,948 --> 00:07:11,023
That's a low blow, Ann!
183
00:07:11,024 --> 00:07:12,243
You know he does!
184
00:07:14,197 --> 00:07:16,321
Taggart Romney, what are
you still doing up?
185
00:07:16,322 --> 00:07:17,697
It's nearly dusk.
186
00:07:17,698 --> 00:07:18,989
I got a stomach ache
187
00:07:18,990 --> 00:07:21,196
from laughing too hard
at a Popsicle joke.
188
00:07:21,197 --> 00:07:22,739
How was your dinner with the President?
189
00:07:22,740 --> 00:07:24,613
Did you guys talk about
the Constitution?
190
00:07:24,614 --> 00:07:27,697
I tried, but he was too busy
using my hand to play that game
191
00:07:27,698 --> 00:07:29,822
where you stab the knife between
your fingers real fast.
192
00:07:29,823 --> 00:07:31,572
Then he asked for a loyalty pledge.
193
00:07:31,573 --> 00:07:34,238
- Did you call 911?
- I did.
194
00:07:34,239 --> 00:07:36,530
The dispatcher said a
violation of decency
195
00:07:36,531 --> 00:07:38,155
was not an emergency and hung up.
196
00:07:38,156 --> 00:07:40,530
Cat-scratches! What are you gonna do?
197
00:07:40,531 --> 00:07:42,488
The only thing I can do...
198
00:07:42,489 --> 00:07:44,780
Shave my face three times and go to bed.
199
00:07:46,085 --> 00:07:47,739
My party's being mean,
200
00:07:47,740 --> 00:07:50,947
and not even spaghetti in the
steam room can cheer me up.
201
00:07:53,839 --> 00:07:55,363
E.T.?
202
00:07:55,364 --> 00:07:58,405
It's someone more lovable than E.T....
203
00:07:58,406 --> 00:08:00,822
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross.
204
00:08:00,823 --> 00:08:03,572
- Pffff.
- Don, I came here for two reasons.
205
00:08:03,573 --> 00:08:07,155
One, if I don't steam
naked every 36 hours,
206
00:08:07,156 --> 00:08:09,405
- my skin turns to puff pastry...
- Uh-huh.
207
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,030
...and to tell you
208
00:08:11,031 --> 00:08:13,572
that when the Democrats'
impeachment dogs are closing in,
209
00:08:13,573 --> 00:08:15,572
Mitt Romney ain't gonna defend you.
210
00:08:15,573 --> 00:08:19,655
But Coulter and your army
of screaming shut-ins will,
211
00:08:19,656 --> 00:08:21,488
just to own the libs.
212
00:08:21,489 --> 00:08:23,572
So be the gross man
213
00:08:23,573 --> 00:08:26,405
they lost contact with
their families over.
214
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:29,196
I can only try!
215
00:08:31,656 --> 00:08:34,822
Hey! We weren't done watching
Little House on the Prairie!
216
00:08:34,823 --> 00:08:36,780
Laura just found a bottle in the creek!
217
00:08:36,781 --> 00:08:38,989
Due to the President's
indecency, I barely slept
218
00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:40,780
15 hours last night,
219
00:08:40,781 --> 00:08:43,280
so I've decided to
speak out against him.
220
00:08:43,281 --> 00:08:45,155
My hero!
221
00:08:45,156 --> 00:08:47,780
And when he resigns in shame,
I'll reluctantly accept
222
00:08:47,781 --> 00:08:49,905
the nation's will and assume the office
223
00:08:49,906 --> 00:08:51,989
I've single-mindedly
sought my entire life.
224
00:08:51,990 --> 00:08:53,655
Prepare yourselves for the right-wingers
225
00:08:53,656 --> 00:08:54,989
to come at us pretty hard.
226
00:08:54,990 --> 00:08:57,447
Are they gonna call us "snuggle worms"?
227
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,947
A dry sponge to your tongue for
even the suggestion of it!
228
00:09:04,614 --> 00:09:06,864
Hey! We weren't done watching Sex Town!
229
00:09:06,865 --> 00:09:08,947
The town was just about to have sex!
230
00:09:08,948 --> 00:09:10,289
Oh. Sorry.
231
00:09:10,291 --> 00:09:13,280
Okay, Town, let's have sex!
232
00:09:13,281 --> 00:09:15,864
Family, I've decided to set aside
233
00:09:15,865 --> 00:09:18,321
my natural Ronald Reagan-esque decency
234
00:09:18,322 --> 00:09:19,822
and go balls deep
235
00:09:19,823 --> 00:09:21,905
on the deplorable wing of our party.
236
00:09:21,906 --> 00:09:23,572
- Hell yeah!
- You go, Daddy!
237
00:09:23,573 --> 00:09:25,196
What were we doing before?
238
00:09:25,197 --> 00:09:28,030
I'm just not sure I can be as
gross as they need me to be.
239
00:09:28,031 --> 00:09:29,280
I'll take this one.
240
00:09:29,281 --> 00:09:31,822
Donald, I want you to listen to me.
241
00:09:31,823 --> 00:09:34,655
You're the most disgusting man on Earth.
242
00:09:34,656 --> 00:09:38,155
You're small-minded, you're
selfish, you're cruel,
243
00:09:38,156 --> 00:09:41,113
you smell before, during,
and after bathing,
244
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:43,697
you're constantly stepping on
my feet without realizing it,
245
00:09:43,698 --> 00:09:46,196
you sweat formaldehyde and piss tar,
246
00:09:46,197 --> 00:09:48,572
you crank-call homeless shelters
to make them listen to you
247
00:09:48,573 --> 00:09:51,405
chew pizza in bed, and you
poop when you sneeze.
248
00:09:51,406 --> 00:09:53,405
You could've just said I could do it.
249
00:09:53,406 --> 00:09:54,780
I'm going to become
250
00:09:54,781 --> 00:09:57,822
the most vile, detestable
president in history
251
00:09:57,823 --> 00:10:01,196
so Ann Coulter will cut me some slack!
252
00:10:03,850 --> 00:10:07,697
I'm so glad your presidency is
getting even more deplorable.
253
00:10:07,698 --> 00:10:09,947
Us dirtbags finally have a voice.
254
00:10:09,948 --> 00:10:11,572
Shut up. Thanks, Don.
255
00:10:11,573 --> 00:10:13,113
But I gotta brush up on the basics.
256
00:10:13,114 --> 00:10:14,655
That's why I've called a meeting
257
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:17,196
with the dean of disgusting
himself... Rudy Giuliani.
258
00:10:17,197 --> 00:10:19,072
So, what are we thinking, guys?
259
00:10:19,073 --> 00:10:21,113
Do we wanna get some oysters,
wanna get a big mushroom,
260
00:10:21,114 --> 00:10:23,447
slap some nacho cheese on it,
put our cigars out in it?!
261
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,697
We need wine! Red wine!
Thickest one ya got!
262
00:10:26,698 --> 00:10:28,280
I want it to come out like ketchup!
263
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:29,981
By the time we leave here,
they're gonna have to
264
00:10:29,983 --> 00:10:31,363
burn this tablecloth in the park.
265
00:10:33,823 --> 00:10:36,155
I swallowed the cigar
again. I do this so much,
266
00:10:36,156 --> 00:10:38,053
the doctor just taught me
how to pump my own stomach.
267
00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:40,196
Sick! This guy makes me sick!
268
00:10:40,197 --> 00:10:42,697
More wine, you goddamn bastards!
269
00:10:42,698 --> 00:10:44,697
Rudy, this is important. Can you focus?
270
00:10:44,698 --> 00:10:46,739
I am focused. I'm
focused on the painting
271
00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,196
of the lady with huge knockers.
272
00:10:48,197 --> 00:10:50,405
I cheated on my wife
with a lady like that.
273
00:10:50,406 --> 00:10:52,321
I weighed her knockers.
They didn't weigh the same.
274
00:10:52,322 --> 00:10:54,822
Close, but I was still angry.
They should weigh the same!
275
00:10:54,823 --> 00:10:56,405
Rudy, I need to shore up my base!
276
00:10:56,406 --> 00:10:57,905
Why didn't you say so?
277
00:10:57,906 --> 00:10:59,405
All right. Here's what I'm thinking.
278
00:10:59,406 --> 00:11:02,238
You, me, knockers painting,
we go to Flashdancers, and...
279
00:11:02,239 --> 00:11:04,572
I-I can't think in here!
280
00:11:04,573 --> 00:11:07,155
Hear ye, hear ye.
281
00:11:07,156 --> 00:11:08,947
To address the President's
vile behavior,
282
00:11:08,948 --> 00:11:11,030
I call to order the inaugural meeting
283
00:11:11,031 --> 00:11:13,113
of the Decent Republicans Caucus.
284
00:11:13,114 --> 00:11:15,363
Roll call. Senator Susan Collins?
285
00:11:15,364 --> 00:11:19,238
Present. I love to signal that
I'm one of the good Republicans,
286
00:11:19,239 --> 00:11:20,947
disappear for two days,
287
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:24,196
then vote a drunk sex maniac
onto the Supreme Court.
288
00:11:24,197 --> 00:11:26,321
Great. First order of business,
289
00:11:26,322 --> 00:11:28,989
reclaiming our party from the
filthy grip of Donald Trump.
290
00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:31,405
- I'm all-in.
- Let's come out of the gate
291
00:11:31,406 --> 00:11:33,447
with a firmly worded, untelevised speech
292
00:11:33,448 --> 00:11:35,447
at the Lincoln Memorial
on a Tuesday afternoon.
293
00:11:35,448 --> 00:11:37,655
Huzzah! Great idea.
294
00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:40,238
Just give me two days to think about it.
295
00:11:40,239 --> 00:11:42,822
Hmm. According to my notes,
you said you were "all-in."
296
00:11:42,823 --> 00:11:44,405
Oh, I so am.
297
00:11:44,406 --> 00:11:46,072
Just give me two days,
298
00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:48,780
then I'll say if I'm a
"no" or a "maybe yes."
299
00:11:48,781 --> 00:11:51,488
Why do I sense that in two days
you will flip on the issue?
300
00:11:51,489 --> 00:11:55,030
Is this the famous Mitt
Romney sense of humor?
301
00:11:55,031 --> 00:11:58,281
I'm one of the good Republicans.
Who just needs two days.
302
00:11:59,656 --> 00:12:02,572
Giuliani was completely useless.
303
00:12:02,573 --> 00:12:05,238
I'm so glad he's only in charge
of whether or not I go to jail.
304
00:12:05,239 --> 00:12:08,280
Dad, I brought you a
Republican that's an expert
305
00:12:08,281 --> 00:12:10,572
at poking a stick in the
right wing's lizard brain.
306
00:12:10,573 --> 00:12:12,613
Ted Cruuuzz!
307
00:12:12,614 --> 00:12:15,363
Anything to help the man
who flew down to Texas
308
00:12:15,364 --> 00:12:18,155
days before my election
and dragged my concussed,
309
00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:20,530
unresponsive body into the end zone!
310
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:24,321
Ted, Ann Coulter friggin' loves
your ugly ass. How do you do it?
311
00:12:24,322 --> 00:12:28,196
Well, to keep the deplorables
happy, ya never compromise!
312
00:12:28,197 --> 00:12:30,655
Even if it means a mob
calling you a "rat bastard"
313
00:12:30,656 --> 00:12:33,530
and running you out of town so
you seek refuge in a church,
314
00:12:33,531 --> 00:12:36,947
but the priest runs downstairs
and beats you with a cross,
315
00:12:36,948 --> 00:12:39,530
so you hide in a 7-Eleven,
but the lottery machine
316
00:12:39,531 --> 00:12:42,405
keeps spitting tickets
with the number 6-6-6,
317
00:12:42,406 --> 00:12:44,363
so the clerk pushes you off a cliff,
318
00:12:44,364 --> 00:12:47,155
and a bus of little children
stomp on your wormy fingers,
319
00:12:47,156 --> 00:12:49,363
screaming, "End the scum!"
320
00:12:49,364 --> 00:12:52,323
I don't know. I don't
wanna go to a church.
321
00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:56,447
- Senator Collins?
- Who is it?
322
00:12:56,448 --> 00:12:59,447
Uh, Senator Mitt Romney.
It's been two days.
323
00:12:59,448 --> 00:13:01,613
Have you decided if you'll join
me in denouncing the President?
324
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:03,822
I need two more days.
325
00:13:03,823 --> 00:13:05,822
What will be different in two days?
326
00:13:05,823 --> 00:13:08,238
It'll be two days from now.
327
00:13:08,239 --> 00:13:10,072
Susan, are you committed to the mission
328
00:13:10,073 --> 00:13:12,196
of the Decent Republicans Caucus?
329
00:13:12,197 --> 00:13:13,905
Ring ring!
330
00:13:13,906 --> 00:13:17,530
Your wife just called and told
me to tell you to go home.
331
00:13:17,531 --> 00:13:19,447
What's my wife's name?
332
00:13:19,448 --> 00:13:22,238
Susan's mailbox is full. Goodbye.
333
00:13:25,448 --> 00:13:28,989
Stevie! Nobody embodies
deplorable Republicans
334
00:13:28,990 --> 00:13:31,655
more than someone with your
beautiful pulsing head.
335
00:13:31,656 --> 00:13:33,947
Now, how do I make them love me forever?
336
00:13:33,948 --> 00:13:36,697
The pulsing is voluntary.
Now, take a look at this.
337
00:13:36,698 --> 00:13:37,947
As a cute, little hobby,
338
00:13:37,948 --> 00:13:39,989
I measure the ultraviolet heat index
339
00:13:39,990 --> 00:13:42,072
of our most loyal screeching mole rats.
340
00:13:42,073 --> 00:13:44,613
Now, here's where it got
Chernobyl-level hot!
341
00:13:44,614 --> 00:13:47,280
Lock her up! Lock her up!
342
00:13:47,281 --> 00:13:50,947
In conclusion, we should
arrest Hillary Cli...
343
00:13:50,948 --> 00:13:53,822
Dad! You should lock up Hillary Clinton!
344
00:13:53,823 --> 00:13:55,321
Great idea!
345
00:13:55,322 --> 00:13:59,073
Miller, our time on Earth is
precious. Stop wasting it.
346
00:14:00,239 --> 00:14:02,113
That's when they called Wisconsin,
347
00:14:02,114 --> 00:14:04,905
and there was not a dry
eye in the Javits Center.
348
00:14:04,906 --> 00:14:06,739
How was your day?
349
00:14:06,740 --> 00:14:09,321
Ugh. Spent the day trying
to convince Ronan Farrow
350
00:14:09,322 --> 00:14:11,447
to report me to the FBI.
351
00:14:11,448 --> 00:14:13,488
Hillary, I'm so tired of runnin'.
352
00:14:13,489 --> 00:14:15,822
Oh, Bill, it's been 40 years.
353
00:14:15,823 --> 00:14:19,321
I'm sure you'll never be held
accountable for your actions.
354
00:14:19,322 --> 00:14:20,613
FBI! Open up!
355
00:14:20,614 --> 00:14:24,280
Yippee! Come on in! I got
cookies, I got cake!
356
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:27,155
I am proud to announce that, tonight,
357
00:14:27,156 --> 00:14:29,655
the Federal Bureau of Investigation
358
00:14:29,656 --> 00:14:33,321
arrested Crooked Hillary for
the crime of mega-treason,
359
00:14:33,322 --> 00:14:35,488
fulfilling one of my strongest
360
00:14:35,489 --> 00:14:38,321
and most deplorable campaign promises.
361
00:14:38,322 --> 00:14:43,113
In 72 hours, she will receive
a fair trial by combat.
362
00:14:43,114 --> 00:14:45,864
She's fighting a dangerous jungle cat
363
00:14:45,865 --> 00:14:48,447
in the well of the House
of Representatives.
364
00:14:48,448 --> 00:14:50,405
Aren't we better than this?
365
00:14:50,406 --> 00:14:54,655
Wow! Every word out of her mouth
just makes me more excited.
366
00:14:54,656 --> 00:14:58,072
Today, I speak out in
defense of decency.
367
00:14:58,073 --> 00:15:00,530
Our most decent president,
Ronald Reagan,
368
00:15:00,531 --> 00:15:03,989
once called the United States
"a shining city on a hill."
369
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,196
And it is my strong opinion
that President Donald Trump
370
00:15:07,197 --> 00:15:09,864
has ever so slightly dimmed
that light, no offense.
371
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:13,363
Hey, podium boy! I'm trying
to take a picture! Move!
372
00:15:13,364 --> 00:15:15,947
Oh, no. Am I late? Did I miss it?
373
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:17,822
Well, good job. I've gotta go.
374
00:15:17,823 --> 00:15:19,030
Your shoe fell off.
375
00:15:19,031 --> 00:15:21,321
Keep it! I've got more!
376
00:15:25,031 --> 00:15:27,321
Folks, at long last,
the streets are safe
377
00:15:27,322 --> 00:15:28,989
from Hillary Clinton!
378
00:15:28,990 --> 00:15:31,697
Leave your doors unlocked,
put away the bazookas,
379
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:33,196
and go ahead and flash your brights
380
00:15:33,197 --> 00:15:34,905
at people whose headlights aren't on
381
00:15:34,906 --> 00:15:37,363
without worrying about being
targeted for a thrill-killing.
382
00:15:37,364 --> 00:15:38,697
Ann, get in here.
383
00:15:38,698 --> 00:15:41,905
Donald Trump has restored law and order,
384
00:15:41,906 --> 00:15:45,155
letting people know you can't
just compete in a free election
385
00:15:45,156 --> 00:15:47,196
against him and get away with it.
386
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,697
Burn the paintings!
387
00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:52,030
Anything that doesn't have
Trump's face on it isn't art!
388
00:15:52,031 --> 00:15:54,280
Hey, happy Hannity, happy life.
389
00:15:54,281 --> 00:15:57,739
Mr. President? Republican
megadonor Sheldon Adelson
390
00:15:57,740 --> 00:16:00,572
wants to see you in the
cabinet room. Uh-oh.
391
00:16:00,573 --> 00:16:02,363
You know, if you wanted
392
00:16:02,364 --> 00:16:05,198
to compliment me, you could've
just done it on the phone.
393
00:16:53,771 --> 00:16:56,558
Sorry. All I heard was the word "meat."
394
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:05,967
Still only hearing "meat."
395
00:17:14,073 --> 00:17:17,072
Hello, Dangerous Donald.
396
00:17:17,073 --> 00:17:20,405
Hello... Dumb Hillary.
397
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:23,155
Sheldon Adelson says I should free you,
398
00:17:23,156 --> 00:17:25,113
Ann Coulter says I shouldn't,
399
00:17:25,114 --> 00:17:26,822
and you're the only
person in the White House
400
00:17:26,823 --> 00:17:30,073
whose résumé isn't full
of knockoff stereo scams.
401
00:17:30,074 --> 00:17:31,572
What should I do?
402
00:17:31,573 --> 00:17:34,613
Oh, Donald. You could have had it all.
403
00:17:34,614 --> 00:17:37,697
A hotel in Moscow. A television network.
404
00:17:37,698 --> 00:17:42,072
And now look at you... being
torn apart by two wild horses.
405
00:17:42,073 --> 00:17:43,864
Hey, if I wanted a psychiatrist,
406
00:17:43,865 --> 00:17:46,530
I would've taken the advice
of everyone I've ever met.
407
00:17:46,531 --> 00:17:48,072
Should I let you go?
408
00:17:48,073 --> 00:17:49,864
That's the kind of painful choice
409
00:17:49,865 --> 00:17:51,530
I do not have to make anymore,
410
00:17:51,531 --> 00:17:55,864
thanks to my tranquil new
life inside this box.
411
00:17:55,865 --> 00:17:58,363
Ohh. You're so lucky.
412
00:17:58,364 --> 00:18:01,113
What I wouldn't give to
trade places with you.
413
00:18:03,698 --> 00:18:06,113
Ah, you win again.
414
00:18:06,114 --> 00:18:09,030
Art of the deal, baby. Still got it.
415
00:18:09,031 --> 00:18:11,947
An easy speech to deliver, it was not.
416
00:18:11,948 --> 00:18:14,238
It was 63 degrees outside,
417
00:18:14,239 --> 00:18:16,780
well below the body's temperature,
but I soldiered on.
418
00:18:16,781 --> 00:18:18,530
Tell it again, Dad!
419
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:20,030
Another day.
420
00:18:20,031 --> 00:18:22,113
Let's check the news to
see if the President
421
00:18:22,114 --> 00:18:24,572
soberly absorbed my comments
and vowed to do better.
422
00:18:24,573 --> 00:18:26,447
Hmm.
423
00:18:26,448 --> 00:18:28,905
The President hasn't commented
on my brave speech.
424
00:18:28,906 --> 00:18:30,822
I'm sure he's just praying on it.
425
00:18:30,823 --> 00:18:32,780
The President is not a man of faith.
426
00:18:32,781 --> 00:18:35,196
He once told me that Jesus
was good at computers.
427
00:18:35,197 --> 00:18:36,864
Well, if one thing is certain,
428
00:18:36,865 --> 00:18:38,697
it's that I did everything I could.
429
00:18:38,698 --> 00:18:41,364
If anyone needs me, I'll be
standing quietly in the garage.
430
00:18:42,490 --> 00:18:43,780
And now a message
431
00:18:43,781 --> 00:18:45,780
from the President of the United States.
432
00:18:45,781 --> 00:18:47,530
So, two things.
433
00:18:47,531 --> 00:18:50,447
One, the nation is getting
bagels on Friday,
434
00:18:50,448 --> 00:18:51,739
so that's good.
435
00:18:53,823 --> 00:18:55,530
Two, I know the fake news said
436
00:18:55,531 --> 00:18:57,905
that Hillary tricked me into
locking myself in here,
437
00:18:57,906 --> 00:18:59,530
but actually, I did it
438
00:18:59,531 --> 00:19:01,655
because a melting
billionaire told me to.
439
00:19:01,656 --> 00:19:03,697
Then I goofed around and got burned.
440
00:19:03,698 --> 00:19:06,321
Anyways, Pompeo's out
buying bolt cutters.
441
00:19:06,322 --> 00:19:09,030
Enjoy those bagels!
442
00:19:09,031 --> 00:19:13,280
I love my president, but how
could he just let Hillary go?!
443
00:19:13,281 --> 00:19:15,321
I was wrong to endorse Donald Trump
444
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,655
in the books I write for
people to read on airplanes
445
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,947
that let everyone know they're
going to be a handful.
446
00:19:19,948 --> 00:19:21,697
I'm calling on the Republican Party
447
00:19:21,698 --> 00:19:23,155
to find a new candidate
448
00:19:23,156 --> 00:19:25,655
and, if need be, I will enter the race!
449
00:19:25,656 --> 00:19:29,363
Holy crap! Coulter and Trump
both running for prez?!
450
00:19:29,364 --> 00:19:31,196
It's like you're each holding a treat
451
00:19:31,197 --> 00:19:33,280
and I'm the puppy
deciding whether to live
452
00:19:33,281 --> 00:19:35,363
at Mom's house or Dad's house!
453
00:19:35,364 --> 00:19:37,196
This is a real bummer after
all those nice things
454
00:19:37,197 --> 00:19:38,530
you said to motivate me.
455
00:19:38,531 --> 00:19:41,030
You're a thief, a cheat, a racist,
456
00:19:41,031 --> 00:19:42,739
a terrible Pictionary player,
457
00:19:42,740 --> 00:19:44,947
you leave your ass hairs all
over the toilet seat...
458
00:19:44,948 --> 00:19:48,280
All right. I think we've got
enough gas in the tank, Melania.
459
00:19:49,906 --> 00:19:53,363
Susan? Uh, your staff informed
me that in order to avoid me,
460
00:19:53,364 --> 00:19:55,321
you've sealed yourself inside a wall.
461
00:19:55,322 --> 00:19:57,321
Susan's not here right now.
462
00:19:57,322 --> 00:19:59,030
I'm a smart wall.
463
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,072
Beep-boop! Your toothpaste
order has shipped.
464
00:20:02,073 --> 00:20:04,488
You should know that I've decided
465
00:20:04,489 --> 00:20:06,447
to leave the Decent Republicans Caucus.
466
00:20:06,448 --> 00:20:08,572
Oh, what? No.
467
00:20:08,573 --> 00:20:11,581
Will you carry the torch
forward, proud and tall?
468
00:20:11,583 --> 00:20:14,780
Can't. No hands. I'm a wall.
469
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,070
I understand.
470
00:20:16,072 --> 00:20:18,280
I have failed my family, my country,
471
00:20:18,281 --> 00:20:21,697
my favorite brand of digestive
biscuits, and my God.
472
00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:24,363
And I'm deeply sorry.
473
00:20:24,364 --> 00:20:26,572
I have to get out of this wall.
474
00:20:26,573 --> 00:20:29,072
Unless staying in the wall polls better.
475
00:20:29,073 --> 00:20:31,196
Wait for the data, Susie.
476
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,655
I said, "Go to wherever
477
00:20:33,656 --> 00:20:35,655
they filmed The Hangover Part II!"
478
00:20:35,656 --> 00:20:37,905
Hangover Part II now!
479
00:20:37,906 --> 00:20:40,030
- Don, what are you doing?
- Running away!
480
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:41,655
I bought a friggin' tiger,
481
00:20:41,656 --> 00:20:43,989
and now we're not even
gonna feed Hillary to it!
482
00:20:43,990 --> 00:20:45,739
Just put the tiger in the East Room.
483
00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:47,405
I'm sure one of my cabinet members
484
00:20:47,406 --> 00:20:48,780
will come by and shoot it.
485
00:20:48,781 --> 00:20:51,030
I know. That's not my concern.
486
00:20:51,031 --> 00:20:54,947
When you became a deplorable
slimeball, I finally felt heard,
487
00:20:54,948 --> 00:20:57,363
not only as a voter, but as a son.
488
00:20:57,364 --> 00:20:59,321
But it turns out, you're just another
489
00:20:59,322 --> 00:21:01,530
upstanding member of polite society.
490
00:21:01,531 --> 00:21:03,947
So I'm going to the
Hangover Part II place,
491
00:21:03,948 --> 00:21:06,989
where I'll be treated like a
synthetic weed-smoking god.
492
00:21:06,990 --> 00:21:08,989
Fine, Don, but don't come back
493
00:21:08,990 --> 00:21:11,280
unless you bring me a cool souvenir,
494
00:21:11,281 --> 00:21:13,697
like a T-shirt that says,
"I Live at the Corner
495
00:21:13,698 --> 00:21:16,905
of 'Kiss My Ass Avenue'
and 'No Friggin' Way'."
496
00:21:19,656 --> 00:21:23,447
What if he never comes
back with that shirt?
497
00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:26,530
Donald Trump claims he's deplorable,
498
00:21:26,531 --> 00:21:28,488
but does his record support it?
499
00:21:28,489 --> 00:21:30,238
Did you know that his 18-person cabinet
500
00:21:30,239 --> 00:21:32,655
is packed to the brim with three women?
501
00:21:32,656 --> 00:21:34,405
Sure, he arrested Hillary Clinton,
502
00:21:34,406 --> 00:21:36,655
but he broke his promise
to feed her to a tiger.
503
00:21:36,656 --> 00:21:39,363
In 2020, we need a candidate
504
00:21:39,364 --> 00:21:41,113
whose neo-fascism is not for sale.
505
00:21:41,114 --> 00:21:44,100
Paid for by the Draft Ann Coulter
for President Committee.
506
00:21:44,102 --> 00:21:45,613
I feel pretty stupid
507
00:21:45,614 --> 00:21:48,113
for donating 10,000 bucks
to that committee.
508
00:21:48,114 --> 00:21:50,739
Boys, Daddy Romney
509
00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:53,739
has realized that
Republican decency is dead
510
00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:56,697
and so, to claw my way to the
presidency as God ordained,
511
00:21:56,698 --> 00:21:59,321
I must take on some pretty
repulsive behavior.
512
00:21:59,322 --> 00:22:02,072
Are you going to tie a
Starburst wrapper into a knot
513
00:22:02,073 --> 00:22:04,655
with your tongue to prove
you're a good French kisser?!
514
00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:06,530
I don't want you to see me like this.
515
00:22:06,531 --> 00:22:08,488
Promise you'll sleep
for the next 72 hours.
516
00:22:08,489 --> 00:22:10,822
You heard Dad. To the family bed!
517
00:22:10,823 --> 00:22:12,572
Go! Go! Go!
518
00:22:12,573 --> 00:22:14,989
Hello, fellow MAGA heads.
519
00:22:14,990 --> 00:22:17,030
You know what I don't like? Immigrants.
520
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:18,824
A-And you know what I do like?
521
00:22:18,826 --> 00:22:20,613
Children armed to the teeth.
522
00:22:20,614 --> 00:22:23,321
I know all the cursed words,
and I say them frequently.
523
00:22:23,322 --> 00:22:25,072
I don't feel good.
524
00:22:26,349 --> 00:22:29,196
I like women with small
brains and large breasts.
525
00:22:30,990 --> 00:22:33,947
I have big hands and a
corresponding big johns...
526
00:22:35,489 --> 00:22:39,218
Whoa! Mitt Romney's barfin'! Oh, yeah!
527
00:22:42,156 --> 00:22:45,405
God damn it! Why won't you
cheer me up, spaghetti?!
528
00:22:53,698 --> 00:22:54,947
Um...
529
00:22:54,948 --> 00:22:56,572
Hmm?
530
00:22:59,281 --> 00:23:01,864
Well, hello, Mr. Trump.
531
00:23:01,865 --> 00:23:04,655
Hollywood starlet Ronald Reagan?
532
00:23:04,656 --> 00:23:07,030
Wow! So this is heaven.
533
00:23:07,031 --> 00:23:10,196
You had a 50/50 shot, but, uh, no.
534
00:23:13,114 --> 00:23:14,822
Listen to me, Donald.
535
00:23:14,823 --> 00:23:17,321
Everyone's been telling
you the Republican Party
536
00:23:17,322 --> 00:23:20,572
has two horses and you
need to ride them both.
537
00:23:20,573 --> 00:23:25,072
But the party is actually one
horse with two different heads.
538
00:23:25,073 --> 00:23:26,905
What's the, uh, penis situation?
539
00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:30,739
For decades, the buttoned-up,
good Republican presidents
540
00:23:30,740 --> 00:23:34,072
have enacted modern history's
grossest policies...
541
00:23:34,073 --> 00:23:36,613
The War on Drugs, ending welfare,
542
00:23:36,614 --> 00:23:39,447
couple of Iraq Wars, and
ignoring the AIDS crisis.
543
00:23:39,448 --> 00:23:41,488
That last one was you.
544
00:23:41,489 --> 00:23:43,113
In a way, they were all me,
545
00:23:43,114 --> 00:23:45,238
and I'm not ashamed of it, either.
546
00:23:45,239 --> 00:23:50,780
See, an inner-grossness connects
all Republicans, even you.
547
00:23:50,781 --> 00:23:52,572
Now, go, Donald.
548
00:23:52,573 --> 00:23:55,447
Be the grossest Republican you can be.
549
00:23:55,448 --> 00:23:57,530
Oh, and one more thing.
550
00:23:57,531 --> 00:23:58,905
Yes, sir?
551
00:23:58,906 --> 00:24:01,989
AIDS isn't real.
552
00:24:04,990 --> 00:24:07,947
Ugh! Hunh!
553
00:24:07,948 --> 00:24:09,321
Thanks, Wilbur.
554
00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:10,655
Oh, you're not dead.
555
00:24:10,656 --> 00:24:13,196
I just saw a corpse and
wanted to kick it.
556
00:24:13,197 --> 00:24:16,072
Dad, are you okay?
557
00:24:16,073 --> 00:24:17,822
My outrageous MAGA rally
558
00:24:17,823 --> 00:24:20,238
got me invited to Gene
Simmons' birthday party.
559
00:24:20,239 --> 00:24:23,030
It's "bring your own lube."
Do we have any Wesson oil?
560
00:24:23,031 --> 00:24:24,822
You're attending?!
561
00:24:24,823 --> 00:24:26,905
These are the sorts of
events I must attend
562
00:24:26,906 --> 00:24:28,697
to survive in the Republican Party.
563
00:24:28,698 --> 00:24:30,697
Dad, don't lose faith.
564
00:24:30,698 --> 00:24:34,113
The Grand Old Party still
has room for decency.
565
00:24:34,114 --> 00:24:36,030
Just look at its history...
566
00:24:36,031 --> 00:24:38,780
The War on Drugs, ending welfare,
567
00:24:38,781 --> 00:24:41,861
all those Iraq Wars, and
ignoring the AIDS crisis.
568
00:24:41,863 --> 00:24:43,280
I guess we always have been
569
00:24:43,281 --> 00:24:45,030
on the right side of
history, haven't we?
570
00:24:45,031 --> 00:24:47,196
Tagg, I used to think the
two G's in your name
571
00:24:47,197 --> 00:24:48,613
stood for "Good Guy."
572
00:24:48,614 --> 00:24:51,178
Now I know they stand for "Great Guy."
573
00:24:52,872 --> 00:24:54,405
What are you doing back?
574
00:24:54,406 --> 00:24:56,613
I ran over some guy with
a speedboat in Thailand.
575
00:24:56,614 --> 00:24:58,321
I was pretty sure he was already dead.
576
00:24:58,322 --> 00:25:00,321
Anyways, I had to take
the first flight back.
577
00:25:00,322 --> 00:25:04,155
Don, I had you, the party,
all of it, all wrong.
578
00:25:04,156 --> 00:25:07,321
We're all deplorable,
especially Ronald Reagan.
579
00:25:07,322 --> 00:25:08,880
He armed the Taliban.
580
00:25:08,882 --> 00:25:11,572
Shut up! I thought Reagan was a nerd.
581
00:25:11,573 --> 00:25:14,363
Now, we need to show this party
that they don't have to choose
582
00:25:14,364 --> 00:25:17,488
between being deplorable and
being good Republicans.
583
00:25:17,489 --> 00:25:19,030
Has anyone shot the tiger yet?
584
00:25:19,031 --> 00:25:22,238
John Bolton grazed it,
so it's super-pissed!
585
00:25:22,239 --> 00:25:23,864
Tell Attorney General William Barr
586
00:25:23,865 --> 00:25:26,488
we need a warrant to
arrest Hillary Clinton!
587
00:25:26,489 --> 00:25:28,155
But what if he won't sign it?
588
00:25:28,156 --> 00:25:31,072
Ah, never mind. He sent over
some blanks this morning.
589
00:25:31,073 --> 00:25:33,822
Before we get this show on the road,
590
00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:36,739
I want to say that
Ronald Reagan was right.
591
00:25:36,740 --> 00:25:39,780
America is a shining city on a hill.
592
00:25:39,781 --> 00:25:42,530
But when you get up close, you
notice that it's only shining
593
00:25:42,531 --> 00:25:45,989
because there's a bunch of
fake gold, illegal fireworks,
594
00:25:45,990 --> 00:25:48,822
and pervs experimenting
with flammable lubricants.
595
00:25:48,823 --> 00:25:51,072
I guess what I'm saying is,
596
00:25:51,073 --> 00:25:53,780
as much as the GOP pretends it's not,
597
00:25:53,781 --> 00:25:57,531
it is, from top to bottom,
super duper gross.
598
00:26:00,386 --> 00:26:03,905
In honor of this rich tradition,
please direct your attention
599
00:26:03,906 --> 00:26:08,155
to the most vivid
representation of our ideals...
600
00:26:08,156 --> 00:26:12,072
Hillary Clinton being fed
to an agitated tiger!
601
00:26:13,322 --> 00:26:16,155
Yeah-ah-ah! Washington is
finally working for me!
602
00:26:16,156 --> 00:26:18,947
That's one big Pokémon.
603
00:26:18,948 --> 00:26:21,613
Stop That's not true, Mr. President!
604
00:26:21,614 --> 00:26:24,113
This is the party of decency.
605
00:26:24,114 --> 00:26:27,030
Yeah, fuck you!
606
00:26:27,031 --> 00:26:28,989
When Reagan said we're a shinning city,
607
00:26:28,990 --> 00:26:31,739
he meant you got to look at
this country from far away,
608
00:26:31,740 --> 00:26:33,864
using binoculars,
standing on the balcony
609
00:26:33,865 --> 00:26:35,780
of your really nice house,
610
00:26:35,781 --> 00:26:38,697
and that's why decency will always w...
611
00:26:38,698 --> 00:26:40,989
Oh, snuggle worms.
612
00:26:42,573 --> 00:26:45,030
Oh, no. Did I miss it again?
613
00:26:45,031 --> 00:26:48,280
Wish I could help. Gotta go.
614
00:26:48,281 --> 00:26:49,864
Whoa. For a boring guy,
615
00:26:49,865 --> 00:26:52,155
Mitt's got a lot going on inside of him.
616
00:26:52,156 --> 00:26:55,196
After what you did to Hillary,
617
00:26:55,197 --> 00:26:58,530
there isn't a Republican alive
that would abandon you.
618
00:26:58,531 --> 00:27:01,530
I'm proud of you, Dad.
Hey. Check it out.
619
00:27:01,531 --> 00:27:03,697
Aw. Thanks, Don.
620
00:27:03,698 --> 00:27:05,780
Well, Hillary may have gotten away,
621
00:27:05,781 --> 00:27:08,113
and Mitt Romney might still
be clinging to life,
622
00:27:08,114 --> 00:27:10,321
but at least I showed
that any Republican
623
00:27:10,322 --> 00:27:12,238
who acts like they're better than me
624
00:27:12,239 --> 00:27:15,025
is absolutely kidding themselves.
625
00:27:16,045 --> 00:27:18,613
I just want to tell everyone
sorry that I put the family
626
00:27:18,614 --> 00:27:20,113
through yet another trying ordeal.
627
00:27:20,114 --> 00:27:22,113
Aw. It's okay.
628
00:27:22,114 --> 00:27:25,405
The important thing is you
stood up for what's right.
629
00:27:25,406 --> 00:27:27,780
And I learned that when
it comes down to it,
630
00:27:27,781 --> 00:27:31,280
the most decent thing anyone
can do is not make a big fuss.
631
00:27:31,281 --> 00:27:32,530
Hooray!
632
00:27:32,531 --> 00:27:35,280
Oh, what happened to
your face? Did you fall?
633
00:27:35,281 --> 00:27:37,155
Anyways, I've made my decision
634
00:27:37,156 --> 00:27:41,113
on whether to stay in the
Decent Republicans Caucus.
635
00:27:41,114 --> 00:27:42,548
And?
636
00:27:42,550 --> 00:27:45,973
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
637
00:27:45,975 --> 00:27:49,405
I'm not gonna do it. I'm a coward.
638
00:28:47,448 --> 00:28:48,807
Trump!
49864
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.