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1
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:18,333
( theme music playing )
2
00:00:18,333 --> 00:00:19,673
Kid Capri:
IT'S THE ONE AND ONLY
3
00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:22,167
"RUSSELL SIMMONS'
DEF COMEDY JAM!"
4
00:00:22,166 --> 00:00:25,326
WITH YOUR HOST
MIKE EPPS!
5
00:00:25,333 --> 00:00:28,403
TONIGHT'S GUESTS--
ALEX THOMAS,
6
00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:30,100
ROZ,
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00:00:30,100 --> 00:00:32,230
AND DON "D.C." CURRY.
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00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:37,074
I'M YOUR MAN,
THE WORLD'S GREATEST DJ,
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00:00:37,066 --> 00:00:39,066
THE KID CAPRI.
10
00:00:39,066 --> 00:00:41,466
AND WE ARE BACK!
11
00:00:42,633 --> 00:00:44,673
AND NOW THE HOST,
12
00:00:44,667 --> 00:00:47,067
MIKE EPPS!
13
00:00:56,667 --> 00:00:58,167
YEAH!
14
00:00:59,066 --> 00:01:00,796
YEAH!
15
00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,300
ONE MORE TIME
FOR KID CAPRI,
16
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:05,470
THE BADDEST DJ
IN THE MOTHERFUCK--
17
00:01:05,467 --> 00:01:06,727
KID CAPRI!
18
00:01:08,033 --> 00:01:10,373
I LOVE YOU.
19
00:01:11,767 --> 00:01:14,397
WHAT'S HAPPENING, L.A.?
20
00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:19,330
Y'ALL NIGGAS
HAD YOUR OUTFITS
21
00:01:19,333 --> 00:01:21,503
LAID ON THE BED
ALL NIGHT.
22
00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:24,770
Y'ALL BEEN WAITING
ON THIS SHIT TO COME OUT!
23
00:01:24,767 --> 00:01:28,367
LOOK AT THIS NIGGA,
GOT A GREEN "JOLLY RANCHER" HOODIE ON!
24
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:34,433
THIS NIGGA GOT
A BAG OF PENNY CANDY. GOD DAMN!
25
00:01:34,433 --> 00:01:37,903
LOOK AT--
( laughs )
26
00:01:37,900 --> 00:01:39,770
IS THAT A NIG--
COME HERE, NIGGA, COME HERE!
27
00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,367
RIGHT HERE.
YEAH, STAND UP. STAND UP!
28
00:01:42,367 --> 00:01:44,227
LOOK AT THIS!
29
00:01:44,233 --> 00:01:47,333
COME HERE.
STAND ON THE STAGE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
30
00:01:48,500 --> 00:01:50,830
COME HERE, NIGGA.
COME ON. COME UP HERE.
31
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:53,634
GET UP HERE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
32
00:02:00,133 --> 00:02:03,273
GO AND SIT BACK DOWN.
GO ON, SIT DOWN!
33
00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,900
YOU GOT SOME GOOD PUSSY
UP UNDER THERE?
34
00:02:07,900 --> 00:02:10,930
GET YOUR PUNK-ASS
OFF THE STAGE!
35
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,927
- ( record scratching )
- BITCH!
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00:02:14,934 --> 00:02:17,934
HIT IT AGAIN! HIT IT AGAIN!
HIT IT AGAIN!
37
00:02:17,934 --> 00:02:19,904
HIT IT AGAIN!
HIT IT AGAIN!
38
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:22,030
BI-- BI-- BITCH!
39
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,397
MAN, WHAT THE FUCK
IS WRONG WITH THESE NIGGAS?
40
00:02:28,633 --> 00:02:31,673
YOU LOOKING
TO GET FONDLED WITH THIS NIGHT?!
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00:02:32,934 --> 00:02:35,834
THIS NIGGA CAME UP HERE
WITH A DRESS ON.
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00:02:35,834 --> 00:02:37,804
I GUESS YOU SAID,
"FUCK YOU, KANYE WEST,
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00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,230
I'M GONNA STEAL
AND FUCK ALL YOUR SHIT UP."
44
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ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKING
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN HERE,
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00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,100
Y'ALL BEEN USING
YOUR NEUTROGENA SOAP.
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00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,930
WOMAN'LL PROMISE YOU
SOME PUSSY
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00:02:52,934 --> 00:02:55,034
AND FALL ASLEEP,
HUH, FELLAS. YOU EVER--
48
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:59,667
"I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
SOME PUSSY LATER ON TONIGHT."
49
00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,127
NIGGA HAPPY MOVING SHIT
WHEN HE USUALLY DON'T WORK--
50
00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:04,533
"YOU WANT ME
TO GET THEM BOXES AND SHIT? YOU WANT ME-- ?"
51
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,627
GET HOME, SHE'S ASLEEP--
( snores )
52
00:03:09,633 --> 00:03:12,533
"HUH-UH, DON'T
DO THAT TO US. WAKE UP. DON'T DO THAT!"
53
00:03:14,266 --> 00:03:16,166
"I'M SLEEPY,
BUT YOU CAN STILL HIT IT."
54
00:03:16,166 --> 00:03:18,096
"I DON'T WANT NO DEAD PUSSY!
WASH YOUR FACE OFF
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00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:21,470
AND DRINK A RED BULL
AND GET IN THERE AND GET NAKED."
56
00:03:24,767 --> 00:03:27,167
LITTLE KIDS
TELL THE TRUTH TOO MUCH.
57
00:03:27,166 --> 00:03:30,196
I GOT A BUDDY
THAT GOT A KELOID HANGING OFF HIS EAR.
58
00:03:31,734 --> 00:03:34,734
MY LITTLE GIRL WAS LIKE,
"IS THAT A LEATHER HEARING-AID CASE?"
59
00:03:34,734 --> 00:03:36,874
I WAS LIKE, "GET-- "
60
00:03:36,867 --> 00:03:40,027
WHO THE FUCK
MAKES A LEATHER HEARING-AID CASE?
61
00:03:41,500 --> 00:03:44,970
YOU EVER SEEN
A PHAT FARM LEATHER HEARING-AID CASE?
62
00:03:47,266 --> 00:03:49,696
Y'ALL READY FOR THE FIRST COMIC?
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!
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00:03:54,233 --> 00:03:56,233
OH YEAH. THIS IS HOW
WE GONNA DO IT.
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00:03:56,233 --> 00:03:57,703
THIS IS HOW
WE GONNA DO IT.
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00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,370
COMING STRAIGHT OUT
OF SOUTH CENTRAL,
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00:03:59,367 --> 00:04:01,827
FOR HIS FOURTH APPEARANCE
ON "DEF COMEDY JAM,"
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00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:03,934
Y'ALL KNOW THIS MAN
ALL OVER THE CITY.
68
00:04:03,934 --> 00:04:05,874
Y'ALL GONNA LOVE HIM.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
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00:04:05,867 --> 00:04:09,327
FOR L.A.'S OWN
ALEX THOMAS, Y'ALL. PUT YOUR HANDS--
70
00:04:24,367 --> 00:04:27,167
WHAT UP, L.A.?
71
00:04:27,166 --> 00:04:29,766
I SAID WHAT UP, L.A.?
72
00:04:29,767 --> 00:04:33,367
THE FUCK I'M TALK ABOUT.
AIN'T NOTHING BUT WOMEN UP IN HERE.
73
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:35,267
ALL THE LADIES
MAKE SOME NOISE.
74
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,070
ALL THE LADIES
THAT WATCH "OPRAH" MAKE SOME NOISE.
75
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,997
I'M WATCHING
THAT SHIT NOW.
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00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,800
YEAH, NIGGAS, FELLAS.
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00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,630
I SAID I'M WATCHING
"OPRAH" NOW, NIGGA.
78
00:04:49,633 --> 00:04:53,073
THEY GOT SOME AMAZING TOPICS
ON "OPRAH."
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00:04:53,066 --> 00:04:55,596
MY FAVORITE SHIT
THIS YEAR
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00:04:55,600 --> 00:04:57,700
IS WHEN SHE HAD FUCKING
WHAT'S-HIS-NAME--
81
00:04:57,700 --> 00:05:00,500
TERRY MCMILLAN
WAS ON THE SHOW.
82
00:05:02,166 --> 00:05:04,226
LADIES, YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT?
83
00:05:04,233 --> 00:05:07,403
SHE MARRIED
A GAY NIGGA.
84
00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,970
SAID SHE DIDN'T KNOW
THE NIGGA WAS GAY.
85
00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:14,573
THIS NIGGA LOOK SWEETER
THAN THREE CUPS OF SUGAR.
86
00:05:16,433 --> 00:05:19,873
STEVIE WONDER COULD SEE
THAT THIS NIGGA WAS GAY.
87
00:05:22,433 --> 00:05:25,573
LADIES, THERE'S SIGNS
IF YOUR MAN IS GAY.
88
00:05:25,567 --> 00:05:28,697
LADIES, YOU WANNA KNOW SIGNS
IF YOUR MAN IS GAY?
89
00:05:28,700 --> 00:05:31,800
I SAID, DO YOU
WANNA KNOW SIGNS IF YOUR MAN IS GAY?
90
00:05:32,900 --> 00:05:35,570
IF THE NIGGA'S EYEBROWS
ARE ARCHED...
91
00:05:36,967 --> 00:05:39,097
YOUR MAN
MIGHT BE GAY.
92
00:05:40,166 --> 00:05:42,966
OKAY, IF YOUR MAN
GOT A TOE RING...
93
00:05:46,266 --> 00:05:48,326
THE NIGGA
MIGHT BE GAY.
94
00:05:48,333 --> 00:05:50,503
IF YOU FIND
PICTURES OF YOUR MAN--
95
00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:52,700
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT YEAR IT WAS--
96
00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:55,300
AND THE NIGGA
WAS DOING THE SPLITS...
97
00:06:01,266 --> 00:06:02,896
THE NIGGA
MIGHT BE GAY.
98
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:04,570
IF YOU HOP
IN YOUR MAN'S RIDE
99
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:07,797
AND THAT NIGGA
WAS BUMPING TEVIN CAMPBELL'S GREATEST HITS...
100
00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:11,570
YOU'RE GAY.
101
00:06:11,567 --> 00:06:13,727
I'M A HIP HOP HEAD.
I LOVE HIP HOP.
102
00:06:13,734 --> 00:06:15,874
IF YOU LOVE HIP HOP,
MAKE SOME NOISE.
103
00:06:20,633 --> 00:06:23,273
I THINK THE THUG SHIT
HAS GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR.
104
00:06:23,266 --> 00:06:25,596
YOU THINK THE THUG SHIT
HAS GONE A LITTLE TOO FAR?
105
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,370
TO PROVE HOW FAR
THE THUG SHIT--
106
00:06:30,367 --> 00:06:33,067
I GOT A BUDDY, RIGHT?
THE NIGGA WORKS FOR INTERSCOPE RECORDS.
107
00:06:33,066 --> 00:06:35,126
YOU KNOW INTERSCOPE?
Y'ALL KNOW 50 CENT,
108
00:06:35,133 --> 00:06:36,873
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
DR. DRE?
109
00:06:36,867 --> 00:06:39,127
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING,
EMINEM, YOU KNOW?
110
00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:42,033
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW THIS,
BUT ON THE BACK OF EVERY CD
111
00:06:42,033 --> 00:06:43,933
THEY GOT THE ACTUAL NUMBER
112
00:06:43,934 --> 00:06:47,474
TO THE ACTUAL RECORD LABEL.
113
00:06:47,467 --> 00:06:49,527
AND YOU GOT NIGGAS
ALL OVER AMERICA
114
00:06:49,533 --> 00:06:52,033
THINKING THEY COULD JUST
CALL THAT NUMBER,
115
00:06:52,033 --> 00:06:54,003
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
116
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:56,570
AND GET A DEAL
OVER THE PHONE.
117
00:06:56,567 --> 00:06:58,997
THIS DUDE'S LIKE,
"NIGGA, YOU GOT TO HEAR
118
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,030
THE ANSWER MACHINE
OF THESE THUG MOTHERFUCKERS
119
00:07:02,033 --> 00:07:03,733
CALLING FROM
ALL OVER AMERICA. IT'S LIKE--
120
00:07:03,734 --> 00:07:05,834
( mimics tone )
"WHAT UP Y'ALL, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
121
00:07:05,834 --> 00:07:07,704
THIS IS INTERSCOPE RECORDS,
LEAVE A NUMBER,
122
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:09,270
THE NAME
OF YOUR RAP GROUP,
123
00:07:09,266 --> 00:07:11,996
WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." ( mimics tone )
124
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,030
"WHAT UP DAWG!
NIGGA I'M THE HOTTEST NIGGA
125
00:07:14,033 --> 00:07:16,303
ON THE MOTHERFUCKING
EAST COAST, SON!
126
00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:19,170
NIGGA 50 ONLY GOT SHIT
NINE TIMES, NIGGA!
127
00:07:19,166 --> 00:07:21,266
I DONE BEEN SHOT
15 TIMES, NIGGA!
128
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:22,666
I DONE DIED
AND CAME BACK.
129
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:25,027
HOLLA AT YOUR BOY!"
( mimics tone )
130
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,333
THAT'S NOTHING!
131
00:07:30,333 --> 00:07:31,873
THEY HAD A NIGGA
CALL FROM THE SOUTH,
132
00:07:31,867 --> 00:07:34,127
( mimics tone )
"WHAT UP, DIRTY?
133
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:36,603
NIGGA, I'M THE HOTTEST NIGGA
IN THE SO--"
134
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,970
POP POP POP POP!
POP POP!
135
00:07:39,967 --> 00:07:42,867
"NIGGA, I'M GETTING SHOT
RIGHT NOW.
136
00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:52,600
HOLLA BACK QUICK."
( mimics flatline tone )
137
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:01,467
I LOVE HIP HOP.
I LOVE HIP HOP.
138
00:08:01,467 --> 00:08:03,827
YOU KNOW WHO
MY FAVORITE DUDE IS RIGHT NOW?
139
00:08:03,834 --> 00:08:05,474
I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
WHAT ANYBODY SAYS,
140
00:08:05,467 --> 00:08:08,497
MY FAVORITE NIGGA
ON THE PLANET RIGHT NOW--
141
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:11,200
MOTHERFUCKING LIL JON.
I LIKE LIL JON.
142
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:13,967
I LIKE LIL JON,
143
00:08:13,967 --> 00:08:16,227
'CAUSE I FIGURED
THE DUDE OUT.
144
00:08:16,233 --> 00:08:18,273
THE NIGGA
IS NOT A RAPPER.
145
00:08:18,266 --> 00:08:22,066
HE'S A HYPE-MAN
THAT MADE IT.
146
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,100
H¡S A HYPE-MAN
THAT MADE IT!
147
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,300
THIS NIGGA
JUST SPECIALIZES
148
00:08:28,300 --> 00:08:30,800
IN CUSSING OVER BEATS.
149
00:08:32,100 --> 00:08:34,000
YOU HEARD HIS ALBUM.
YOU TURN ON THAT MOTHERFUCKER,
150
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:36,900
"MOTHERFUCKER WHAT!
MOTHERFUCKER WHAT!
151
00:08:36,900 --> 00:08:40,070
Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T
NOTHING BUT HO'S, BITCH!
152
00:08:40,066 --> 00:08:42,826
Y'ALL NIGGAS AIN'T NOTHING
BUT HO'S, BITCH!"
153
00:08:42,834 --> 00:08:44,934
AND I'M IN THE CAR
LIKE THIS, NIGGA!
154
00:08:50,633 --> 00:08:52,233
YOU'D DO ANYTHING
THAT NIGGA SAID.
155
00:08:52,233 --> 00:08:55,473
"PULL YOUR DICK OUT.
NIGGA, PULL YOUR DICK OUT!"
156
00:09:11,066 --> 00:09:12,966
LIKE, "NIGGA, DID I JUST
PULL MY DICK OUT?"
157
00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:16,930
"NIGGA, JON SAID
PULL YOUR DICK OUT."
158
00:09:20,467 --> 00:09:22,997
BUT THE CRAZIEST
SHIT EVER--
159
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,770
I SAW THE MOST
SICKEST SHIT EVER.
160
00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:29,167
THEY SHOWED THE MAKING
OF LIL JON'S ALBUM.
161
00:09:29,166 --> 00:09:31,696
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS SAW
THIS SHIT ON MTV.
162
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:34,570
THEY HAD THIS NIGGA
IN THE STUDIO
163
00:09:34,567 --> 00:09:37,497
WITH A NOTEPAD.
164
00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:41,027
I WAS LIKE,
165
00:09:41,033 --> 00:09:43,533
"THIS NIGGA
WRITES THIS SHIT?"
166
00:09:46,333 --> 00:09:48,773
THIS NIGGA WAS
IN THE BOOTH, LIKE...
167
00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:50,897
( music playing )
168
00:09:55,266 --> 00:09:58,626
MOTHERFUCKER WHAT!
MOTHERFUCKER WHAT!
169
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,700
SNAP YOUR FINGERS, HO!
SNAP YOUR FINGERS, HO!
170
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:12,773
YEAH-YUH!
171
00:10:12,767 --> 00:10:14,667
I'M OUTTA HERE, Y'ALL!
172
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:16,767
ALEX THOMAS!
173
00:10:20,266 --> 00:10:22,396
I LOVE Y'ALL!
174
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,300
HEY, THAT'S HOW
THEM CRUNK DANCERS GO.
175
00:10:39,233 --> 00:10:42,073
Y'ALL READY
FOR THE NEXT COMIC? COME ON, PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER!
176
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,470
COMING TO THE STAGE--
177
00:10:48,467 --> 00:10:51,397
I'M TELLING Y'ALL,
THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE IS STRAIGHT OUT OF JERSEY,
178
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:53,500
FUNNY AS HELL--
ROZ!
179
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:55,370
COME ON Y'ALL!
180
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,070
WHAZZUP,
HOW Y'ALL DOING?
181
00:11:05,033 --> 00:11:07,003
ALL RIGHT!
182
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,000
GOOD TO BE
IN LOS ANGELES AGAIN.
183
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,830
ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES.
WHERE ALL THE SINGLE LADIES AT?
184
00:11:11,834 --> 00:11:13,504
SINGLE LADIES
MAKE SOME NOISE!
185
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:19,027
HOW ABOUT YOU NOT SURE?
YOU FUCKING AND YOU DON'T KNOW
186
00:11:19,033 --> 00:11:22,233
WHERE YOU STAND
IN A RELATIONSHIP.
187
00:11:22,233 --> 00:11:24,103
'CAUSE YOU KNOW, LADIES,
WE GO WITH GUYS
188
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,700
AND THEY DON'T GO
BACK WITH US.
189
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:30,100
"YOU FUCK ME GOOD, NIGGA,
WE GO TOGETHER!"
190
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:35,326
"I WISH YOU WOULD LEAVE.
I'LL BEAT YOUR ASS!"
191
00:11:36,633 --> 00:11:40,173
I'M AN OLDER WOMAN.
I LIKE TO FIGHT AND HAVE SEX.
192
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,026
THAT'S THE BEST SEX.
193
00:11:42,033 --> 00:11:43,933
SOMETIME I PICK A FIGHT
WITH A NIGGA
194
00:11:43,934 --> 00:11:46,704
SO HE CAN
FUCK ME GOOD.
195
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:48,400
HE COME IN THE HOUSE,
I PUNCH HIM
196
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,830
RIGHT IN HIS
DAMN FACE!
197
00:11:50,834 --> 00:11:52,874
I'LL BE LIKE,
"DROP YOUR DRAWERS, PLAYER.
198
00:11:52,867 --> 00:11:54,767
YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!"
199
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:59,467
AND I'M AN OLDER WOMAN,
AND I GOT A THING FOR THE YOUNG BROTHERS.
200
00:11:59,467 --> 00:12:02,827
AND I GOT TO
LEAVE THEM ALONE. I LEFT THEM ALONE 2005,
201
00:12:02,834 --> 00:12:05,504
'CAUSE SEE,
THE YOUNG BROTHERS, Y'ALL CRAZY AS SHIT!
202
00:12:05,500 --> 00:12:07,800
Y'ALL BE WANTING
TO HAVE SEX
203
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:10,870
AT 3:30, 4:00
IN THE DAMN MORNING?
204
00:12:10,867 --> 00:12:13,167
I'D BE LIKE,
"NIGGA, DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
205
00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,826
MY MEDICATION
DONE KICKED IN!"
206
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:20,204
I'M SLEEPIER
THAN A MOTHERFUCKER!
207
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,830
YOU BETTER
HIT THIS PUSSY BEFORE MIDNIGHT.
208
00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:25,304
THIS SHIT DONE
RAN OUT OF MINUTES!"
209
00:12:27,266 --> 00:12:29,866
AND I'M GONNA
TELL Y'ALL NOW, I AIN'T GOT NO JOKES.
210
00:12:29,867 --> 00:12:32,067
I GOT FUCKING PROBLEMS.
211
00:12:32,066 --> 00:12:34,466
FAT MEN ALWAYS
TRYING TO TALK TO ME.
212
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:37,527
FAT NIGGAS ALWAYS
HOLLERING AT ME. "WHAT'S UP, MA?"
213
00:12:37,533 --> 00:12:40,603
"NOT YOU, YOU
FAT MOTHERFUCKER!"
214
00:12:41,567 --> 00:12:43,097
WHAT TWO FAT PEOPLE
GONNA DO,
215
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:46,000
HAVE A WORLD
WRESTING FEDERATION MATCH?
216
00:12:47,133 --> 00:12:48,933
WE'D BE LAYING IN THE BED
217
00:12:48,934 --> 00:12:50,974
LOOKING LIKE
TWO WRESTLERS AND SHIT!
218
00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:53,027
I LIKE SKINNY MEN,
219
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:55,133
SKINNY MEN
THAT SMOKE WEED
220
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:58,733
SO WHEN HE GET THE MUNCHIES,
WE ON THE SAME PAGE.
221
00:13:00,834 --> 00:13:03,104
HOLLER BACK
AT ME, NIGGA!
222
00:13:04,300 --> 00:13:06,030
GET AT ME, DAWG!
223
00:13:06,033 --> 00:13:08,803
SOME TIMES, FELLAS,
WHEN YOU WANNA GET WITH A WOMAN,
224
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,070
SHUT THE FUCK UP
AND BE QUIET.
225
00:13:12,066 --> 00:13:14,366
JUST NOD YOUR HEAD ALL NIGHT,
DON'T SAY SHIT.
226
00:13:14,367 --> 00:13:16,567
HOW MANY TIMES, LADIES,
YOU AT THE CLUB
227
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:18,867
AND YOU ONLY KNOWN A NIGGA
TWO RECORDS,
228
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:21,467
AND HE GO UP IN YOUR EAR
AND ASK YOU SOME DUMB SHIT?
229
00:13:23,033 --> 00:13:25,903
( mumbling )
...WANNA SUCK MY DICK? YOU WANNA SUCK A NIGGA DICK?
230
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:29,996
LADIES, THE NEXT TIME
A MAN ASKS YOU TO GO DOWNTOWN
231
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,700
AND YOU DON'T
KNOW HIM LIKE THAT--
232
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:33,370
HE BE LIKE,
"YOU GO DOWNTOWN?"
233
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:34,967
SAY "UH-HUH!"
234
00:13:34,967 --> 00:13:37,097
GO ON DOWN THERE LADIES,
GO ON DOWN THERE.
235
00:13:37,100 --> 00:13:39,600
BUT WHEN YOU GET DOWN THERE
JUST LOOK AROUND.
236
00:13:40,767 --> 00:13:42,367
HE GONNA BE LIKE,
"BITCH, WHAT YOU DOING?"
237
00:13:42,367 --> 00:13:44,297
SAY, "NIGGA, THIS
WHAT I DO
238
00:13:44,300 --> 00:13:47,030
WHEN I GO DOWNTOWN
AND AIN'T GOT NO MONEY.
239
00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:49,303
I'M JUST
WINDOW SHOPPING!
240
00:13:52,166 --> 00:13:54,926
NIGGA, I'M JUST
LOOKING AROUND!
241
00:13:57,967 --> 00:14:01,527
AND WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
YOUR SHIT WAS 50% OFF?
242
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,497
GOD DAMN,
IT'S A CLEARANCE SALE OUT THIS BITCH.
243
00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,200
EVERYTHING MUST GO."
244
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,270
NOW THE YOUNG LADIES--
Y'ALL A LOTTA YOUNG LADIES,
245
00:14:13,266 --> 00:14:15,426
Y'ALL BE LIKE,
"I NEED A MAN THAT'S HOLDING.
246
00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:17,373
HE GOTTA HAVE IT ALL
HANGING DOWN HERE."
247
00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:18,967
I'M TOO OLD
FOR THAT SHIT!
248
00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:21,027
I DON'T WANT NO MAN
WITH NO BIG OLD DICK
249
00:14:21,033 --> 00:14:23,633
FUCKING ME IN MY SPLEEN
AND MY TORSO!
250
00:14:25,333 --> 00:14:28,673
NOW HE DONE
BUSTED MY KIDNEYS AND I'M ON DIALYSIS.
251
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,697
THREE DAYS
A FUCKING WEEK!
252
00:14:31,700 --> 00:14:34,570
MY MAIN MAN
IS MY OB-GYN, Y'ALL.
253
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:36,427
I LOVE HIM.
HE'S BEEN IN MY LIFE
254
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:37,933
OVER 40-SOMETHING YEARS.
255
00:14:37,934 --> 00:14:40,304
HE 82 YEARS OLD,
256
00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:42,630
AND HE GOT
PARKINSON'S DISEASE, Y'ALL.
257
00:14:42,633 --> 00:14:44,473
AND WHEN HE
BE EXAMINING ME,
258
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:46,897
HE JUST BE
SHAKING AND SHIT!
259
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:51,770
I'LL BE LIKE,
"WAIT, I NEED TO SEE MY DOCTOR. MY PUSSY DON'T FEEL RIGHT.
260
00:14:51,767 --> 00:14:54,727
MY PUSSY
DON'T FEEL RIGHT."
261
00:14:54,734 --> 00:14:56,534
AND I HAVE BEEN THROUGH
A WHOLE LOTTA SHIT IN MY LIFE,
262
00:14:56,533 --> 00:14:59,103
JUST CELEBRATING
17 YEARS CLEAN, Y'ALL.
263
00:14:59,100 --> 00:15:01,370
USED TO BE
A CRACKHEAD!
264
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,100
HELL, YEAH!
265
00:15:05,633 --> 00:15:07,933
LOTTA PEOPLE
DON'T BELIEVE THAT SHIT!
266
00:15:07,934 --> 00:15:10,804
THEY BE LIKE,
"HOW YOU WAS ON CRACK AND YOU WAS FAT?"
267
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:16,033
I WAS SMOKING THAT SHIT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY CUT MY CRACK WITH.
268
00:15:16,033 --> 00:15:18,103
THEY MUST HAVE CUT MY SHIT
WITH CRISCO,
269
00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:20,530
BETTY CROCKER
AND DUNCAN HINES.
270
00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:23,803
AND I TRIED
TO BE A PROSTITUTE WHEN I WAS ON CRACK.
271
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:26,800
IT'S HARD TO SELL PUSSY
WHEN YOU FEET BE FUCKED UP.
272
00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,270
BUT I GAVE BACK
TO MY COMMUNITY
273
00:15:29,266 --> 00:15:32,196
AND I STARTED
HELPING THEM HO'S GET THEIR LIVES TOGETHER.
274
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,430
I SAT THEM HO'S DOWN--
I WAS A COUNSELOR IN THE REHAB.
275
00:15:35,433 --> 00:15:39,103
I SAT THEM BITCHES DOWN,
I SAID, "LET ME TELL YOU HOOKERS SOMETHING.
276
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:41,970
PROSTITUTES
ARE ENTREPRENEURS."
277
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:44,897
THEY'D BE LIKE,
"BUT ROZ, WHAT WE GONNA PUT ON OUR RESUME?"
278
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:47,700
I SAID, "WHAT THE FUCK
YOU DID, BITCH.
279
00:15:47,700 --> 00:15:51,830
A PROSTITUTE AIN'T NOTHING
BUT A CUSTOMER SERVICE REPRESENTATIVE.
280
00:15:53,133 --> 00:15:55,273
YOUR JOB IS
TO SERVICE THE CUSTOMER."
281
00:15:55,266 --> 00:15:57,526
THEY SAID, "YOU GONNA
HELP US WITH OUR RESUME?"
282
00:15:57,533 --> 00:16:00,473
I SAID, "HELL YEAH!"
THEY SAID, "WHAT YOU GONNA PUT ON THERE?"
283
00:16:00,467 --> 00:16:03,967
I SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER SLEPT
WITH MORE THAN ONE NIGGA AT THE SAME TIME?"
284
00:16:03,967 --> 00:16:05,697
THEY SAID, "HELL YEAH!"
285
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:07,400
I SAID, "YOU WORK WELL
WITH OTHERS.
286
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,600
YOU'S A TEAM PLAYER,
BITCH!
287
00:16:12,066 --> 00:16:14,396
RIGHT THAT SHIT DOWN."
288
00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,070
I SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER
SLEPT WITH A MAN,
289
00:16:16,066 --> 00:16:17,766
AND YOU DIDN'T
GET YOUR MONEY?"
290
00:16:17,767 --> 00:16:19,197
THEY SAID, "ABSOLUTELY!"
291
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:22,200
I SAID,
"THAT'S VOLUNTEER WORK, COMMUNITY SERVICE."
292
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:26,000
I SAID, "BITCH, YOUR RESUME
LOOKING REAL GOOD."
293
00:16:26,000 --> 00:16:29,700
I SAID, "WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE SEXUAL POSITION?" THEY SAID, "ALL OF 'EM."
294
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:31,570
I SAID, "BITCH,
YOU FLEXIBLE.
295
00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:33,667
THEY CAN PUT YOUR ASS
IN ANY POSITION.
296
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:39,027
HAVE YOU EVER SUCKED A DICK
AND BEEN POKED IN THE ASS AT THE SAME TIME?"
297
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:40,703
THEY SAID, "ABSOLUTELY."
298
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,500
I SAID,
"YOU MULTITASKING, BITCH!
299
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:47,770
YOU CAN PERFORM
A VARIETY OF TASKS SIMULTANEOUSLY
300
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:49,597
IN A HIGH-ENERGY
ENVIRONMENT."
301
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:51,970
I SAID, "HAVE YOU EVER
SLEPT WITH A MAN
302
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,867
AND IT WAS OVER
JUST LIKE THAT?"
303
00:16:53,867 --> 00:16:55,427
THEY SAID, "ALL THE TIME."
304
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:57,173
I SAID, "YOU HAVE
THE ABILITY
305
00:16:57,166 --> 00:17:00,366
TO GET THE JOB DONE
IN A TIMELY MANNER."
306
00:17:01,667 --> 00:17:04,197
I SAID, "BITCH, YOUR RESUME
LOOKING GOOD AS SHIT!"
307
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:07,770
SHE SAID, "WHAT AM I
PUT ON THERE WHEN THEY ASK ME FOR MY REFERENCES?"
308
00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:11,597
I SAID, "NAME
SOME OF THEM NIGGAS YOU WERE SLEEPING WITH."
309
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,000
SHE SAID, "I HAD TWO
WI THE SAME LAST NAME."
310
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,570
"WHAT WAS HIS LAST NAME?"
"MR. JOHNSON."
311
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:18,567
"BITCH, YOU WORKED
FOR A MAJOR COMPANY.
312
00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:20,767
YOU WORKED FOR
JOHNSON & JOHNSON!"
313
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:23,397
MY NAME IS ROZ, Y'ALL.
PEACE AND LOVE!
314
00:17:37,133 --> 00:17:39,933
ONE MORE TIME
FOR ROZ, Y'ALL. COME ON!
315
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:46,000
OH, SHE IS A FUCKING FOOL
RIGHT THERE.
316
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,400
Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?
Y'ALL HAVING A GOOD TIME?
317
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,300
WE GONNA KEEP
THIS PARTY TRAIN ROLLING.
318
00:17:52,300 --> 00:17:53,870
MY MAN
COMING TO THE STAGE--
319
00:17:53,867 --> 00:17:55,497
Y'ALL KNOW HIM,
Y'ALL SEEN HIM.
320
00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:56,970
HE NEEDS
NO INTRODUCTION.
321
00:17:56,967 --> 00:17:58,727
STRAIGHT OUT OF ATLANTA,
GIVE IT UP FOR
322
00:17:58,734 --> 00:18:01,104
DON "D.C." CURRY!
323
00:18:12,767 --> 00:18:15,197
ALL RIGHT!
324
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:17,970
DEF JAM!
WHAT'S HAPPENING, Y'ALL?
325
00:18:17,967 --> 00:18:21,027
DAMN, IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE.
GOOD TO BE BACK!
326
00:18:21,033 --> 00:18:23,133
GOOD TO BE ALIVE,
AIN'T IT?
327
00:18:23,133 --> 00:18:25,103
I KNOW THE WORLD
IS FUCKED UP,
328
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:26,830
BUT IF YOU WANNA COUNT
YOUR BLESSINGS,
329
00:18:26,834 --> 00:18:28,704
YOU CAN START
WITH THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.
330
00:18:28,700 --> 00:18:30,570
RYBODY IN HERE
EV HAS SURVIVED,
331
00:18:30,567 --> 00:18:32,597
SO MY ASS IS GLAD
THAT THEY BE HERE.
332
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,400
I WOULDN'T TAKE NOTHING
FOR THIS SHIT.
333
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:35,970
I AIN'T MAD AT GOD.
334
00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:38,367
I AIN'T MAD AT GOD--
335
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,127
I KNOW SHIT SEEM TO BE
FUCKED UP RIGHT NOW.
336
00:18:41,133 --> 00:18:42,633
FOLKS STILL DYING, THOUGH?
337
00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:45,173
SO I'M COUNTING MY BLESSINGS,
'CAUSE MY ASS IS ALIVE.
338
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,866
AND IT LOOK LIKE
THE WRONG DAMN FOLK IS DYING.
339
00:18:47,867 --> 00:18:50,267
FOLK DYING
THAT AIN'T DONE SHIT.
340
00:18:50,266 --> 00:18:53,596
AND YOUR SORRY ASS
IS STILL AROUND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
341
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,400
IT DON'T SEEM RIGHT!
342
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:56,900
I BE QUESTIONING GOD.
343
00:18:56,900 --> 00:18:59,330
WHY WOULD YOU TAKE
RICHARD PRYOR?
344
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:00,833
BADDEST MAN
THAT EVER LIVED.
345
00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,674
WHAT WOULD YOU TAKE
RICHARD PRYOR
346
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:05,227
AND LEAVE
LITTLE RICHARD'S SISSY ASS?
347
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:14,327
SOMETIME HE BE
PICKING UP FOLK IN GROUPS.
348
00:19:14,333 --> 00:19:15,773
HE TRYING TO SAVE GAS.
349
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:18,627
JUST PICK UP
A GROUP OF MOTHERFUCKERS AT ONE TIME.
350
00:19:18,633 --> 00:19:21,173
ALL THEM JOHNNIES
WAS DYING AT ONE TIME--
351
00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:23,196
JOHNNY CARSON,
JOHNNIE COCHRAN,
352
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,330
JOHNNY "GUITAR" WATSON,
353
00:19:25,333 --> 00:19:27,303
JOHNNY CASH,
JOHNNIE TAYLOR--
354
00:19:27,300 --> 00:19:30,100
GOD DAMN, I'M GLAD
MY NAME AIN'T JOHNNY.
355
00:19:30,100 --> 00:19:32,170
THEM MOTHERFUCKERS
CHECKING OUT!
356
00:19:33,367 --> 00:19:36,027
WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
JOHNNIE COCHRAN BE DEAD?
357
00:19:36,033 --> 00:19:38,203
AND OJ'S IGNORANT ASS
STILL RIDING AROUND
358
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:41,100
SLAPPING THE SHIT
OUT OF WHITE FOLK AT TRAFFIC LIGHTS.
359
00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:45,270
WHY WOULD YOU TAKE
BARRY WHITE?
360
00:19:45,266 --> 00:19:47,466
BAD CROONER,
AIN'T BOTHERED NOBODY,
361
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:49,597
AIN'T NOBODY
FUCKED WITH HIM.
362
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,230
WHY BARRY WHITE DEAD
363
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,903
IF 50 CENT STILL ALIVE,
GET SHOT 87 TIMES?
364
00:19:55,066 --> 00:19:58,126
MOTHERFUCKER
JUST REFUSED TO DIE. OUCH!
365
00:19:59,166 --> 00:20:02,396
WHY WOULD YOU TAKE
LUTHER VANDROSS?
366
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,930
BADDEST BALLADEER
THAT EVER LIVED.
367
00:20:04,934 --> 00:20:07,934
"SECRET LOVE,"
SO AMAZING.
368
00:20:07,934 --> 00:20:10,704
"DANCE WITH MY FATHER,"
"HOUSE IS NOT A HOME."
369
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:12,700
WHY WOULD YOU
TAKE LUTHER FROM US
370
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,800
AND LEAVE US
WITH BOBBY BROWN?
371
00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:25,667
I KNOW Y'ALL
SEEN THE SHOW.
372
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:27,667
"BEING BOBBY BROWN."
THAT'S THE DUMBEST SHIT
373
00:20:27,667 --> 00:20:29,227
I'VE EVER SEEN
IN MY GODDAMN--
374
00:20:29,233 --> 00:20:31,133
THAT'S THE DUMBEST
GROUP OF MOTHERFUCKERS
375
00:20:31,133 --> 00:20:33,403
I'VE SEEN IN A LONG
GODDAMN TIME.
376
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:36,170
TOOK A TOLL ON YOUR ASS,
DIDN'T IT?
377
00:20:36,166 --> 00:20:39,666
'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T
WANNA BELIEVE WHITNEY'S ASS WAS ON THAT SHIT.
378
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:42,527
YOUR ASS BEEN IN DENIAL.
YOU BETTER COME TO GRIPS WITH REALITY.
379
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,173
SOMETHING WRONG
WITH THAT HEIFER.
380
00:20:44,166 --> 00:20:46,096
I LOVE HER MUSIC TOO,
BUT GODDAMN IT,
381
00:20:46,100 --> 00:20:47,900
SHE AIN'T WRAPPED
TOO MOTHERFUCKING TIGHT.
382
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:50,270
THAT'S THE REALITY
BLACK FOLK GOT TO FACE.
383
00:20:50,266 --> 00:20:53,396
WE NEED TO STOP DAMN
SUPPORTING THE WRONG SHIT.
384
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,730
FACE REALITY.
THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH MICHAEL JACKSON.
385
00:20:55,734 --> 00:20:57,934
I DON'T GIVE A SHIT
IF HE THE BADDEST ENTERTAINER THAT EVER LIVED.
386
00:20:57,934 --> 00:21:00,674
MOTHERFUCKER'S 48 YEARS OLD.
TALKING ABOUT THERE AIN'T NOTHING WRONG
387
00:21:00,667 --> 00:21:03,597
WITH SLEEPING
WITH YOUR CHILDREN. GOT CHILDREN OF HIS OWN,
388
00:21:03,600 --> 00:21:06,100
HE DON'T EVER INVITE THEM
MOTHERFUCKERS TO THE PARTY.
389
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:08,300
DON'T EVEN WANT US
TO LOOK AT THEM.
390
00:21:08,300 --> 00:21:11,400
THEY COME OUT IN PUBLIC,
GOT MASKS ON AND UMBRELLAS AND SHIT.
391
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,070
BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT
FOR YOU TO SLEEP--
392
00:21:13,066 --> 00:21:15,826
WELL, I DON'T FEEL BAD
'CAUSE HE GOT OFF IN THE TRIAL.
393
00:21:15,834 --> 00:21:17,974
'CAUSE THE WOMAN
THAT LET HER CHILD
394
00:21:17,967 --> 00:21:20,527
GO STAY WITH MICHAEL JACKSON
NEED HER ASS LOCKED UP.
395
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:22,633
I JUST FEEL BAD
FOR THE CHILDREN.
396
00:21:24,166 --> 00:21:25,796
I FEEL BAD
FOR THE CHILDREN.
397
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,570
I FEEL BAD
FOR THEM ANIMALS AT NEVERLAND AND SHIT.
398
00:21:28,567 --> 00:21:31,927
AIN'T NO TELLING
WHAT THE FUCK HE DONE DONE TO THEM.
399
00:21:31,934 --> 00:21:34,704
BACKED THAT GIRAFFE'S ASS
RIGHT UP TO THAT FERRIS WHEEL,
400
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:37,200
AND TATTOOED
THAT MOTHERFUCKER!
401
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,200
THAT'S WHY HE HAD
THEM LITTLE POLKA DOTS ON HIS DICK AND SHIT
402
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,730
WHEN HE TOOK
THE PICTURE AND SHIT!
403
00:21:43,567 --> 00:21:46,667
BLACK FOLK
NEED TO FACE REALITY.
404
00:21:46,667 --> 00:21:48,727
WHITE FOLK NEED
TO FACE SOME SHIT TOO NOW.
405
00:21:48,734 --> 00:21:50,404
WHITE FOLK, FACE IT,
CHICKEN IS GOOD.
406
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,270
YOU PUTTING IT IN
CHICKEN POT PIES AND SHIT,
407
00:21:52,266 --> 00:21:54,796
TRYING TO COVER IT UP.
YOU LIKE CHICKEN.
408
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,130
DALE EARNHARDT DIED
'CAUSE HE WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER.
409
00:21:58,133 --> 00:22:00,303
THAT SHIT IS
MOTHERFUCKING DANGEROUS.
410
00:22:00,300 --> 00:22:03,230
YOU SPENDING $15 MILLION
TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
411
00:22:03,233 --> 00:22:05,073
WHAT KILLED
DALE EARNHARDT?
412
00:22:05,066 --> 00:22:06,726
200 MILES
A GODDAMN HOUR,
413
00:22:06,734 --> 00:22:08,234
THAT'S WHAT
KILLED HIS ASS.
414
00:22:08,233 --> 00:22:10,773
ALL THEM FUCKING
LEFT-HANDED TURNS--
415
00:22:10,767 --> 00:22:13,127
THAT'D KILL YOUR ASS
SOONER OR LATER.
416
00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:16,603
WHITE FOLK, YOU CAN'T USE
"NIGGA" LIKE BLACK FOLK. THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.
417
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,200
STOP DEBATING ABOUT IT,
STOP ASKING ME WHY.
418
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,900
THAT'S JUST THE WAY
IT GODDAMN IS.
419
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:23,930
AIN'T NO WHY.
420
00:22:23,934 --> 00:22:26,374
WHY CAN BLACK FOLK USE IT
AND WHITE FOLK CAN'T USE--
421
00:22:26,367 --> 00:22:28,367
THAT'S THE WAY
IT FUCKING IS!
422
00:22:28,367 --> 00:22:30,097
AIN'T NO FUCKING WHY.
423
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:32,270
YOU EVEN GOT
SOME BLACK FOLK TRIPPING ON ME.
424
00:22:32,266 --> 00:22:34,596
"D.C., YOU OUGHT TO STOP
USING NIGGA."
425
00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,830
WELL, TO ALL THOSE FOLK
THAT I'VE OFFENDED,
426
00:22:36,834 --> 00:22:40,104
I'D LIKE TO SAY,
"NIGGA, PLEASE."
427
00:22:43,266 --> 00:22:46,066
I DON'T OWE NOBODY
NO EXPLANATION FOR USING IT.
428
00:22:46,066 --> 00:22:47,766
BLACK FOLK USE IT.
THAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE.
429
00:22:47,767 --> 00:22:50,167
WHITE FOLK CAN'T USE IT
LIKE WE USE IT,
430
00:22:50,166 --> 00:22:52,426
THAT'S JUST THE WAY
THE SHIT IS.
431
00:22:52,433 --> 00:22:53,873
GET OVER THIS SHIT!
432
00:22:53,867 --> 00:22:57,067
AND SOME SHIT,
THE ONLY WAY TO RESPOND TO THE SHIT
433
00:22:57,066 --> 00:23:00,896
IS "NIGGA, PLEASE."
YOU CUT OUT A WHOLE LOT OF EXPLANATIONS AND SHIT.
434
00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:04,270
AIN'T GOT TIME
TO EXPLAIN THIS SHIT TO YOU.
435
00:23:04,266 --> 00:23:06,526
WHY'S THIS MOTHERFUCKER
RIDICULOUS?
436
00:23:06,533 --> 00:23:09,503
JUST SAY,
"NIGGA, PLEASE."
437
00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:11,270
COME ON, Y'ALL,
SAY IT WITH ME ONE TIME.
438
00:23:11,266 --> 00:23:13,366
- NIGGA--
- All: PLEASE!
439
00:23:13,367 --> 00:23:16,667
COME ON, WHITE FOLK,
THIS YOUR CHANCE. NOW COOPERATE!
440
00:23:28,133 --> 00:23:31,003
THAT'S RIGHT.
SOMETIMES WHEN SHIT GO DOWN,
441
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,700
THAT'S ALL YOUR ASS
CAN SAY.
442
00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:34,330
THOUGH IT SOUND
A LITTLE FUCKED UP,
443
00:23:34,333 --> 00:23:37,573
BUT THERE'S
NO BETTER EXPLANATION FOR SOME RIDICULOUS SHIT.
444
00:23:37,567 --> 00:23:39,567
WHEN MICHAEL IRVIN
GOT CAUGHT
445
00:23:39,567 --> 00:23:42,227
WITH THE CRACK
AND THE PIPE IN THE CAR,
446
00:23:42,233 --> 00:23:44,903
HE SAID, "I WANNA HAVE
A PRESS CONFERENCE.
447
00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:46,500
I GOT AN EXPLANATION
RIGHT AWAY."
448
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:48,600
I WHISPERED
TO MYSELF, "NIGGA, WHAT?"
449
00:23:51,533 --> 00:23:54,533
IT SOUND LIKE
SOME CRACKHEAD SHIT HERE!
450
00:23:54,533 --> 00:23:57,773
BADDEST RECEIVER
THAT EVER LIVED, HIM AND JERRY RICE.
451
00:23:57,767 --> 00:23:59,467
BUT YOU GOT
A EXPLANATION OF WHY
452
00:23:59,467 --> 00:24:02,297
THE CRACK AND THE CRACK PIPE
WAS UP UNDER YOUR SEAT?
453
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:04,570
MICHAEL IRVING SAID,
"IT WAS THANKSGIVING
454
00:24:04,567 --> 00:24:07,067
AND I WAS FEELING
THANKS-GIVEE.
455
00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:11,470
SO I WENT TO PICK UP
MY CRACKHEAD BUDDY IN THE 'HOOD,
456
00:24:11,467 --> 00:24:13,167
BROUGHT HIM BACK
TO THE MANSION.
457
00:24:13,166 --> 00:24:14,796
BUT BEFORE I TOOK HIM IN,
458
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:17,830
I SEARCHED HIM TO SEE
DID HE HAVE ANY CRACK PARAPHERNALIA ON HIM.
459
00:24:17,834 --> 00:24:21,174
AND I FOUND A CRACK PIPE
AND SOME CRACK."
460
00:24:21,166 --> 00:24:23,726
NO! ON A CRACKHEAD?
REALLY?
461
00:24:25,934 --> 00:24:28,704
"I TOOK THE SHIT OUT
AND HE HID IT UP UNDER THE SEAT
462
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:31,430
'CAUSE I DIDN'T WANNA
TAKE IT IN MY HOUSE AND THROW IT IN THE TRASH
463
00:24:31,433 --> 00:24:34,073
'CAUSE PEOPLE
BE GOING THROUGH MY TRASH."
464
00:24:34,066 --> 00:24:37,066
RIGHT THERE I SAID,
"NIGGA, WHAT?
465
00:24:37,066 --> 00:24:38,966
NIGGA, PLEASE!"
466
00:24:38,967 --> 00:24:41,097
"THEN THE CRACKHEAD--
BROUGHT HIM BACK OUT THE HOUSE,
467
00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:43,570
PUT HIM IN THE CAR,
TOOK HIM HOME,
468
00:24:43,567 --> 00:24:48,167
AND FORGOT THE CRACK
AND THE CRACK PIPE
469
00:24:48,166 --> 00:24:50,426
WAS IN MY CAR."
470
00:24:50,433 --> 00:24:54,403
NOW YOU MAY TAKE
A CRACKHEAD'S CRACK AND PIPE AND HIDE IT.
471
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,870
YOU MAY DROP
THE CRACKHEAD OFF.
472
00:24:56,867 --> 00:25:00,097
YOU MAY FORGET THE CRACK
AND THE CRACK PIPE
473
00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:02,000
IS IN YOUR GODDAMN CAR.
474
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,000
BUT YOU WANT ME
TO BELIEVE
475
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:05,700
THAT THE CRACKHEAD...
476
00:25:07,133 --> 00:25:09,903
FORGOT THE CRACK
AND THE PIPE
477
00:25:09,900 --> 00:25:13,170
WAS UP UNDER
YOUR GODDAMN SEAT?
478
00:25:13,166 --> 00:25:15,666
- NIGGA!
- All: PLEASE!
479
00:25:15,667 --> 00:25:18,027
I'M D.C. CURRY.
480
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:21,970
Epps:
DON "D.C." CURRY!
481
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:27,230
RUSSELL SIMMONS, Y'ALL!
482
00:25:35,867 --> 00:25:39,467
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
GOD BLESS YOU, GOOD NIGHT!
483
00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:45,600
( theme music playing )
484
00:25:45,650 --> 00:25:50,200
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