All language subtitles for The Harper House s01e07 Marshmallow Tests.eng

♪

♪

♪

Uh, excuse me.

Yeah, I-I need
a springtime pick-me-up project.

My wife is kind of an
"all or none" personality type,

and right now, it seems
like she's kind of stuck

-in a "none" mode. [chuckles]
-I been there.

It happens, right?
Yeah, I mean, but this is

the first time
since we've relocated,

and-and I'm-I'm worried,
you know?

-[drill whirs]
-I mean, she's usually

in full-on "all" mode.

-[chuckles]
-Okay.

You two looking to swap
or to do group stuff?

I know a lot of swinging couples
over in Hinckley.

Aah, gross! No.

I meant
home improvement stuff, dude.

Where's gardening?

[chuckles]
I don't work here.

I got
this Homes-R-Us worker costume

from Halloween Supplies
next door.

[Freddie gasps]

My idea!

"Parsh" is not a word.

What?

It's short for "partially."

Silly.
"Partially" also isn't a word.

[JimJoe and Todd
imitating weapons firing]

-Coming at you.
-JimJoe, come on, dude.

You're playing
like your dick's in the shop.

I can beat you with my dick
tied behind my back.

What are you boys playing?

These are SEAL Team
Ninja Rock Band Sixtoys

-from the cartoon.
-Uh, hey, Ollie,

where are your good toys?

I impulse buy.

Ooh, I know something you don't.

-What?
-That you're stupid.

-What?
-[scoffs] Dude.

Shut up, JimJoe.

Come on, she can't even do
deferred gratification.

She couldn't even pass
a marshmallow test.

What is a marshmallow test?

Oh, I'll have
some marshmallow breast.

A marshmallow test

is a socioeconomic
pop psych bullshit thing

where a person's
projected success in life

can be determined
by whether or not

they can delay the gratification
of eating one marshmallow now

in order to get two later.

I can pass any marshmallow test

and wait
to eat all the marshmallows

when I'm on my deathbed.

Listen, I go all in.

And if there is a mallow,
whether marsh or no,

I'm-a eat that mallow.

[exhales, groans]

Stock shares for Halloween
stores are through the roof

while other retail CEOs
are scared shitless.

-I'm not scared.
-I'm not scared.

I'm not scared.

I run my company fast and loose.

Uh, babe, remember,
years ago, that idea

of mine that I wanted to patent
and sell?

It was a steel earthquake cage
to go around beds?

I wanted you
to help me design it for real

because you're an engineer

and you know
how to develop prototypes?

Remember that?

Uh-huh. But I told you
it was a dumb idea.

And I listened to you
and moved on.

Now, years later,

turns out someone else
in the world did my idea,

and they got hugely rich.

Oh, I could've been
on Shark Tank.

[groans]
Okay, okay.

I get it, Freddie.
Someone else did the dumb idea.

Well, the way I see it is,
well, maybe you,

honey, you owe me one.

I mean, look, I have ideas,

and you can ground them
in reality.

Babe, honey,
e-everyone has fleeting ideas,

and you?
You have them all the time.

I love that about you.

You are a fun... dabbler,
Freddie.

It's cute and nice.

It'll give us
something to do together.

Get you out of this funk.

What funk?

[groans]

Look, Daddie Dan's on vacation,

and he doesn't trust me
to be at the awning store alone.

The shop's closed for a week,

and the whole thing
has me feeling off, okay?

[groans]
I...

will help you
draw up the design.

-But that's it, okay?
-Yes!

All right,
let me get this set up.

Guys, your mom and I
are collaborating!

Ah, cool-looking hang. Bye.
[chuckles]

Holy shit-dicks.

You know the S.T.N.R.B.S.
aircraft carrier toy?

It's finally in stores.

And I can afford it.

-Yeah.
-Uh, uh-huh. Yeah.

-How?
-I've deferred my gratification.

I've been hoarding
my Toys Or Bust gift cards

for a few years' worth
of birthdays and Christmases.

Ollie, I bet you used
your gift cards right away

-on dumb shit.
-I certainly did.

Forget it, Ollie. I'll buy you
some candy with my change.

Let's go.

Okay, Joan of Arc candles.
She's tied to the stake.

-It's all a candle, and...
-I get it. Pass.

All right. Salem witch.

Salem witches tied to the stake.

It's all a candle,
but this one...

Pass on all candles.

Well, that's it.

Pass on all of them. So...

All right,
I'll get my journals. I got

tons of ideas in them.
This is so fun, sweetie.

Look, and maybe after we land
on the hit idea,

we can do sex stuff to
truly make this a top-shelf day.

Had to bring the wagon

for my future swaggin'
aircraft carrier.

[Shauna and JimJoe gasp]

Wait, what?
Toys Or Bust is gone?

And it's already
a Halloween store?

But it's spring.

[laughs]

I ate all my marshmallows,

and now Todd only has IOUs
for extinct marshmallows.

[laughs]
My short game

beat your long game.
Ha ha, ha ha.

I eat your marshmallows!

[chuckles]:
Oh, I'll prove you wrong.

I vow: I will use my gift cards.

Aha! DivaCup.

-It's been done.
-Diva s-saucer?

-It's what you put it on
when you take it out. -Pass.

Sidesaddle toilets.

And then there's, uh,
the Cough Keeper.

-Wait. Wait, wait.
What's that one? -Well, you know

how I hate
hearing someone cough, right?

Yes. It's-it's-it's...

It's
a little soundproof face mask

one can bring up to their mouth
for a cough.

Or-or-or one could just wear it
all the time

so as not to annoy others
with their nagging cough.

Yes!

Now, this one I can work with.
Yeah!

All right, get me
casting polymer,

resin, and clear this table

so we can have sex on it.

And then I'm gonna start
on this Cough Keeper idea.

All right!
[whoops]

All right,
I'll get your activation juice:

triple espresso,
French vanilla creamer,

a shot of Fireball and a towel
to put down for the sex.

Okay, Freddie,
do you really want

to activate this side of me?

'Cause I will go fast and loose,
and I'll push it through.

I am "all or none," buddy,
and I am ready to go all in.

Go all in, baby.

♪

[thunder rumbles]

[Debbie grunts]

[smacking]

-Try it out, babe.
-[coughs]

[coughs inaudibly]

-[whoops] Yes! We did it!
-Yes! We did it!

Okay, babe,
the next steps are crucial.

Got to slow down a bit,

secure that patent
and do safety testing,

all parts of the plan
to get us on Shark Tank.

Mom, I got these gift cards...

No!

Mommy is busy making inventions.

See? Right?

-Don't bother Mommy. [chuckles]
-Ugh.

Looks like Mom
is in the "all in" mode again.

Better back off.

[chuckles]
Listen, kids,

your mom is, uh,
really busy right now,

and I-I got to be her model
and her Igor

and chef and masseuse,
so just-just stay together.

[thunder rumbling]

Wipe down, monkey dick,

and use your "Galaxy Nut Book"

to find me an open Toys Or Bust.

Oh, uh, supposedly,
there's a Toys Or Bust

-that hasn't closed
in the next town over. -[phone chimes]

-In Hinckley.
-Hinckley?

That town has more perverts
and serial killers

per square mile
than anywhere else.

Oh, are you scared?

Yes. It's smart to be scared
of scary things, JimJoe.

I'm going.
Todd promised me candy,

and I want to see
these cereal killers

killing up some cereal.

-I'll go
just to hang with Ollie. -Rad.

Let's see who's right about
this marshmallow test thing.

[thunder rumbling]

My bike seat
is making my butt so mad.

Are you fucking shitting me?!

These Halloween stores
are like a zombie pandemic

for businesses. What's it take

-to get an aircraft carrier?
-[motorcycle approaching]

Kids, is that our principal?

[Ollie grunts]

[tires screech]

[tires squeal]

[tires squeal]

By chance, are you kids students
at my school?

KIDS:
Yes.

Right. Right, right. Right.

Say, um,
how about I give you kids

just a smattering of things
from my wallet,

and-and you don't have
to mention my little transaction

to your teachers or parents.

What was
your little transaction?

If I tell you,
then you're part of it.

So... do I tell you?

KIDS:
No.

[thunder rumbling]

[tires squeal]

These are all gift cards.
Masseuse.

Florist. Stationery store.

Greyhound breeder. Tailor.

Florist. Playstuff?

Oh, I have heard of Playstuff.

Yes. It is a toy store
on the other side of Hinckley.

Maybe it's just not registered
on phones yet.

Could be, like,
a Toys Or Bust offshoot?

Like babyGap?

Fine.

-[mutters, laughs]
-Uh, hey, babe?

Maybe we should think
about taking breaks,

slowing down.
You know, sleeping.

-[chuckles]
-"We."

[laughing]:
Okay.

All right.

Wego fast. Okay?

We push these Cough Keepers
through into manufacturing.

I've lined up a few factories
to start pumping 'em out.

[chuckles]:
Really? Wow.

Uh, yeah, okay,
but maybe we should, uh, talk

about doing
the safety tests first?

Already blasted through
some of those

with computer simulations.
Take a look.

[coughs]

[coughs inaudibly]

That-that seems
a little oversimplified, no?

We go ahead with production.

I got to get some inventory fast

because I've already advertised
the product on Instagram.

Boom! 1,000 orders!

See? I can't wait
for the gratification

of seeing these in the market.

Uh, but maybe we should delay

-that gratification a little.
-No!

Look,

I'm just trying to stress test
this thing, babe.

But you're rushing
like you always kind of do.

Sweetie, look,
th-this part of the process

may just be a little outside
of your expertise.

You know,
even at the appliance factory,

you were the genius engineer
who fixed conveyor belts

and designed assembly robots.

You were not the people
who invented

the actual appliances that were
tested and sold, right?

Uh...

[laughs]
This coming from a guy

who tries different careers
every six months.

You get excited. Get involved.

Get in over your head,

so you cry and quit.
Over and over.

You overthink things to death.

You delay too long,
and the moment passes.

And I console you.

Then, after a while,
you find something else.

Always crashing and burning.

And you want to give up
like you always do?

[chuckles]:
Well, you can, but I'm not.

Babe, I mean...
[sighs]

All-all that mean stuff
is so true about me,

but you're not listening.

I-I don't want to give up.
I just want to slow down.

You're fired.

This is for adult toys,
Joshathon.

Oh, like a body whistle shop?

The only toy stores left
in America are for adults.

Now, Todd,
they do have cool toys

at Halloween Supplies, man.

You are such a fucking idiot,
Ollie.

Whoa, man. No. That's too far.

[chuckles softly] JimJoe,
can I talk to you for a sec?

Listen, I know you're smart,

and you've known me
for a long-ass time,

so I know that you know
that I'm serious as hell

when I say if you insult
my friend Ollie again,

I'm gonna fuck your ass
all the way up

in a way that ruins
the rest of your life.

Physically,
financially and socially.

You hear me, boy?

I-I hear you, Ms. Shauna.

[chuckles]
I thought you would.

Glad we could have this talk,
Jimmy-Joseph.

Hand me that gift card
to Playstuff.

We might at least cash it in.

Hey! Hey, mister?

Hey. We won this gift card
on the radio,

but we're kids,
so it's worthless to us.

It says it's for 69 bucks.

Would you like it for $40?

Yeah, all right. Cool.

This is my $40
for riding over here in the rain

-for nothing.
-JOE: Hey!

There's only two bucks left
on that card.

I want my money back.

[kids grunting, panting]

[grunts, groans]

[sighs] We're down
to our nuclear option.

Let's go back
and ask Mom to help.

[thunder rumbling]

Dad, where's Mom?

I need her
to help prove to Ollie

that I was right
to hoard my gift cards.

Nope. She'll help me prove

you're just a big, old stick
in the mud.

Debbie? Oh, no.

You don't want her right now.

When she's in the "all in" mode,

she can't stop it.
Can't control it.

She goes into a mania.

Oh, she says she'll dazzle us.

And sometimes,
well, she's right.

And it's glorious.

And you're like a moth
to her flame.

[chuckles]:
Oh.

But you're dancing
on a knife blade.

Could be all good,
or could be all of us

get taken down with her
in a fast and loose crash.

So, do you know where
we can cash in Todd's gift cards

or not? God.

-[door opens]
-DEBBIE: If it can be done...

[thunder rumbles]

...I can do it.

[JimJoe whimpers]

So, you kids help me
distribute these to local shops,

and I'll force Toys Or Bust
to redeem your cards.

[thunder rumbles]

♪

[indistinct chatter]

[line rings]

Hello. Who's this?

Yeah, is this the CEO
of Toys Or Bust?

Ex-CEO of Toys Or Bust,
actually.

Listen up, pal. I got...

four gift cards to your store.

What am I supposed to do
with them?

Well, I can't do anything
about the gift cards.

I don't have a company anymore.

I don't have any stores.

They've all been morphed
into Halloween stores,

pretty much, overnight.

Listen,
my kid wants the goddamn...

-KIDS: S.T.N.R.B.S.
aircraft carrier toy. -...aircraft carrier toy.

[sighs]
Why not just buy that

at Walmart or Target or Amazon,
for Christ's sake,

like a normal human being?

Okay, let me ask you something.

Why did you
get into the toy business

in the beginning?

To make kids happy, I guess.

Know what makes kids unhappy?

No one will redeem these cards.

It is a racket. A scam. A crime.

Tons of kids like Todd have been
cheated out of birthday gifts

and holiday gifts by you, dude.

You failed.

You have hurt kids
all over this country.

And if you want to go out
the right way,

you are gonna go buy
an aircraft carrier from Amazon,

express ship that bitch
and meet me

in a Halloween Supplies
parking lot

to make a final exchange
for my boy's goddamn gift cards!

Okay, you're right. Okay. Okay.

Wow. Your mom is a super dick.

[tires screech]

I told you my long game
is better than your short game.

I waited, and you played fast
and loose. [laughs]

You were impulsive.

You didn't pass
this marshmallow test.

You laughed in my face before.

Now I'm laughing in yours.

[laughs]
I'm smart, and you're...

[crying]:
Stupid?

You think I'm stupid?

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I am.

[grunts]

Wait, Ollie, I only meant
about the gift cards.

[Ollie crying]

Todd, that was too far.

You gonna fuck him up, Shauna?

I'm gonna let this one
play itself out.

It's a sibling thing.

Oh, Ollie.

Lady,
you're a real piece of work.

Well, don't you feel better?

Little bit?

I don't think so.

I lost my company

because I went fast,
went all in.

I guess I didn't pass the
marshmallow test either, son.

I hope you enjoy

your SEAL Team Ninja Rock Band
Sixaircraft carrier.

That S.T.N.R.B.S....

is a damn fine show.

Ollie?

-Freddie?
-[phone chimes]

Oh.

I'm Marion Bronch,
scientific health lawyer,

and I'm putting together
a class action case

for anyone harmed
by the Cough Keeper.

Turns out this very new product

has harmed consumers
very quickly.

See, the soundproof material
is porous,

so it's like a petri dish
that collects mucus.

It gives people
respiratory infections, okay?

And those people have all
returned the Cough Keepers,

and now there's
a probable lawsuit pending.

I feel really bad
about what I said to Ollie.

Yeah. I think I, uh...

Oh, man.

I-I made your dad feel
really terrible, too.

What do we do?

We do what we always do
when we've been awful.

We turn awesome.

[door closes]

Freddie.

Babe, I apologize.

I was wrong.

Do you think I'm stupid?

Oh, no, honey.

I got thrown into my "off" mode

when Dad didn't trust me to run
the shop while he was gone.

And then the thought of wowing
the world with your idea

threw me back
into the "all in" mode,

and when I'm
in my "all in" mode,

you know, babe, I go fast,

and I don't value
anyone's opinion. Right?

[chuckles]
It's the mode talking.

But I apologize
for the mode, too.

Well, tell the mode thanks.

Freddie, it is okay
that you go slow

and that you try things out

and drop them
if they don't feel right.

You're never gonna drop
being who you are,

and that's the only thing
that matters.

And I should not try
to hurt the ones I love

by insulting the things
that I love about them.

[Freddie crying]

Okay.

Okay. Thank you.

-[sniffles]
-[sighs] Come on.

[sighs]
Aw.

You think I'm stupid?

No, Ollie. You're not stupid.
I-If anything,

I am
for making you feel that way.

We're just opposites.

I know
I should be more like you.

I disagree.
I should be more like you.

More in the moment.

We should eat some marshmallows
in the present,

and we can save some for later.

It's all about balance, right?

Oh, that is good advice, Toddie.

And you know what? I'm gonna try
not to be so "all or none."

I'm gonna try to collaborate
and work well with others. Huh?

Starting right now.
Because we got a lawsuit,

and thanks to me, we got
to find a way to break even.

♪

-[kids imitating weapons firing]
-Die! Die!

[chuckles]
Die! Die!

-JOSHATHON: Pew, pew.
-In other news,

stocks continue to soar
for Halloween stores,

who are now selling
a new version

of a COVID costume mask.

We were sold a few of these,

and with
a little safety testing,

they were good
to mass manufacture.

It's a great idea.

What?

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

Chirp.

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