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00:00:02,539 --> 00:00:04,710
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,776 --> 00:00:07,916
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:07,983 --> 00:00:11,824
♪ But where are those
good old‐fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,891 --> 00:00:14,830
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,897 --> 00:00:18,236
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,303 --> 00:00:21,442
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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00:00:21,510 --> 00:00:23,146
♪ All the things that make us ♪
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00:00:23,213 --> 00:00:24,448
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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00:00:24,516 --> 00:00:30,360
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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(laughter)
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00:00:41,349 --> 00:00:43,921
(in Marge voice):
Happy Halloween, kids!
12
00:00:43,988 --> 00:00:45,490
Happy Halloween!
13
00:00:45,558 --> 00:00:47,862
Look, it's Matt Foley
from Saturday Night Live.
14
00:00:47,929 --> 00:00:50,902
I don't know who that is. I just
came from a meeting at work.
15
00:00:50,969 --> 00:00:52,204
Oh, good. Peter, you're home.
16
00:00:52,271 --> 00:00:53,741
You can help me pass out candy.
17
00:00:53,808 --> 00:00:56,346
Sorry, Lois, I have
to go do a dangerous speedball
18
00:00:56,412 --> 00:00:59,786
and become the least surprising
death in Hollywood history.
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00:00:59,853 --> 00:01:02,491
(groans)
20
00:01:02,559 --> 00:01:04,896
(laughter)
21
00:01:04,963 --> 00:01:07,502
Happy Halloween, Meg.
22
00:01:07,569 --> 00:01:10,642
Wow, Mayor West.
That's some costume.
23
00:01:10,708 --> 00:01:12,444
Well, thank you kindly.
24
00:01:12,512 --> 00:01:14,583
(imitating Borat):
It‐a me, Borat.
25
00:01:14,650 --> 00:01:16,787
You know, from that picture
Borat.
26
00:01:16,854 --> 00:01:18,356
You ever seen it?
27
00:01:18,423 --> 00:01:20,828
Yeah, that movie came out,
like, 15 years ago.
28
00:01:20,895 --> 00:01:22,464
Well, I'd never heard of it,
29
00:01:22,532 --> 00:01:25,437
but it was just about the
funniest thing I'd ever seen.
30
00:01:25,505 --> 00:01:27,441
Anyway, have a good evening.
31
00:01:27,509 --> 00:01:29,713
(imitating Borat):
My wife.
32
00:01:29,780 --> 00:01:32,084
(laughter)
33
00:01:32,151 --> 00:01:33,688
(crickets chirping)
34
00:01:33,754 --> 00:01:35,057
"This is my costume"?
35
00:01:35,123 --> 00:01:36,760
Come on, put in some effort.
36
00:01:36,827 --> 00:01:39,498
Guys, just 'cause you showed up,
doesn't mean you get an apple.
37
00:01:39,566 --> 00:01:41,670
- Apple.
- We're here for candy!
38
00:01:41,737 --> 00:01:43,173
Kill yourself!
39
00:01:43,239 --> 00:01:45,177
There's a lot of sugar
in an apple!
40
00:01:45,243 --> 00:01:47,247
If you saw the numbers,
you'd be shocked!
41
00:01:47,314 --> 00:01:48,784
Trick or treat!
42
00:01:48,851 --> 00:01:52,124
Wow, that's the first Frozen
I've seen in 35 seconds.
43
00:01:52,191 --> 00:01:54,228
Oh, my God,
I love your pilot costume.
44
00:01:54,295 --> 00:01:56,633
Thank you. I'm actually
John Travolta walking
45
00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,571
into my backyard airport
in Florida
46
00:01:58,637 --> 00:02:00,575
to fly a passenger jet
all by myself.
47
00:02:00,641 --> 00:02:02,912
That's right,
I'm just a regular guy.
48
00:02:02,979 --> 00:02:04,315
Your daughter is adorable.
49
00:02:04,381 --> 00:02:06,319
Oh, she's not my daughter.
She's my niece.
50
00:02:06,385 --> 00:02:08,025
My sister and her husband
ran into someone
51
00:02:08,056 --> 00:02:11,095
having an adult Halloween party
and didn't have an excuse ready.
52
00:02:11,162 --> 00:02:12,331
Oh, I'm so sorry.
53
00:02:12,397 --> 00:02:14,101
Yeah, it was really tough
for them,
54
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:16,239
but I said earlier,
"I'm not gonna cry,"
55
00:02:16,305 --> 00:02:18,376
so I'm not gonna cry.
56
00:02:18,443 --> 00:02:20,480
And hi. My name's Carrie.
57
00:02:20,548 --> 00:02:22,519
Hi, Carrie. My name is Glenn.
58
00:02:22,585 --> 00:02:24,523
It's really nice talking
to you, Glenn.
59
00:02:24,589 --> 00:02:27,695
- You, too, Carrie.
- Hey! Candy!
60
00:02:27,762 --> 00:02:29,866
STEWIE:
Hey, Brian, check it out!
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00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:31,703
(grunting)
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00:02:31,770 --> 00:02:35,143
This might be my biggest
candy score ever.
63
00:02:35,210 --> 00:02:37,147
Probably thanks
to my killer costume.
64
00:02:37,214 --> 00:02:38,483
What are you dressed as?
65
00:02:38,551 --> 00:02:41,355
I'm the "Oh, my God"
reaction GIF.
66
00:02:45,163 --> 00:02:46,299
And people get that?
67
00:02:46,365 --> 00:02:48,002
Yeah.
Everyone's dressed as GIFs.
68
00:02:48,069 --> 00:02:49,305
Ain't that right, Pop?
69
00:02:56,687 --> 00:02:58,624
Wow. This place is great, Glenn.
70
00:02:58,691 --> 00:03:00,628
Yeah, they can really
microwave eggs here.
71
00:03:00,695 --> 00:03:02,999
You know, I'm so glad you
trick‐or‐treated at my house.
72
00:03:03,066 --> 00:03:04,401
I finally found someone
73
00:03:04,468 --> 00:03:06,874
I can just say names
from Succession with.
74
00:03:06,940 --> 00:03:08,677
I mean, oh, my God, Kendall?
75
00:03:08,744 --> 00:03:11,516
- Kendall! And Shiv?
- Love Shiv.
76
00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:14,121
- And what about Roman?
- Yes!
77
00:03:14,188 --> 00:03:15,625
And Logan.
78
00:03:15,691 --> 00:03:17,394
- Oh, Logan.
- (dog whines)
79
00:03:17,461 --> 00:03:18,764
Oh, look at that dog.
80
00:03:18,831 --> 00:03:20,735
Yeah, who brings a dog
to a coffee shop?
81
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:23,473
- I love dogs.
- Without letting me pet it.
82
00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:25,912
Come here, you... dog.
83
00:03:25,978 --> 00:03:27,949
Oh, isn't he so sweet?
84
00:03:28,016 --> 00:03:29,619
Oh, good boy.
85
00:03:29,686 --> 00:03:31,723
Yay, my hand smells
like you now.
86
00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:34,763
Oh, I'm so happy
you're a dog person.
87
00:03:34,829 --> 00:03:36,465
I don't think
I could be with someone
88
00:03:36,533 --> 00:03:38,202
who doesn't love dogs
as much as I do.
89
00:03:38,269 --> 00:03:39,782
Yeah, it's great
we like the same things
90
00:03:39,806 --> 00:03:41,275
as soon as you say
what you like.
91
00:03:41,342 --> 00:03:43,179
So, what kind
of dog do you have?
92
00:03:43,246 --> 00:03:45,350
Well, uh, uh,
what kind of dog?
93
00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:47,354
Um... you know,
I‐I've never noticed.
94
00:03:47,421 --> 00:03:49,491
I... I'm... I'm more attracted
to his spirit.
95
00:03:49,559 --> 00:03:51,228
Oh, they're so special.
96
00:03:51,295 --> 00:03:52,841
And you know
what's right around the corner?
97
00:03:52,865 --> 00:03:54,970
The strip club where they spit
in your face?
98
00:03:55,036 --> 00:03:56,640
No, the dog park!
99
00:03:56,707 --> 00:03:58,844
For our next date,
we should bring our dogs there.
100
00:03:58,911 --> 00:04:00,648
Next date? Absolutely.
101
00:04:00,715 --> 00:04:03,186
- Oh, and cousin Greg!
- Cousin Greg!
102
00:04:03,252 --> 00:04:05,758
Cousin Greg.
103
00:04:09,532 --> 00:04:11,469
Phew,
that tummy time was killer.
104
00:04:11,536 --> 00:04:13,272
Totally blasted my core.
105
00:04:13,339 --> 00:04:15,176
But I think that earns me
a little treat.
106
00:04:15,243 --> 00:04:16,947
What the deuce?
107
00:04:17,014 --> 00:04:18,550
This bag was full last night,
108
00:04:18,617 --> 00:04:20,086
and now half of it's gone.
109
00:04:20,153 --> 00:04:22,090
Oh, my God, I've been robbed!
110
00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:29,338
Rupert, check the jewelry box,
see if anything's missing.
111
00:04:29,405 --> 00:04:31,242
"An engagement ring"?
112
00:04:31,308 --> 00:04:32,945
Oh, ha‐ha, very funny,
but not the time
113
00:04:33,012 --> 00:04:35,751
to have this conversation‐‐
we've been burgled!
114
00:04:36,953 --> 00:04:39,793
Well, looks like they only stole
some of my Halloween candy.
115
00:04:39,859 --> 00:04:41,596
But they're not going
to get away with this.
116
00:04:41,663 --> 00:04:43,634
Like the fat man
when he plays Clue.
117
00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,871
Okay, the murderer
was "don't care,"
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00:04:45,938 --> 00:04:47,274
with a "this game sucks"
119
00:04:47,340 --> 00:04:49,278
in the "I regret
having children."
120
00:04:49,344 --> 00:04:52,150
ANNOUNCER:
Clue‐‐ you got someone pregnant nine years ago,
121
00:04:52,217 --> 00:04:54,722
so now you have to play this.
122
00:04:58,864 --> 00:05:00,935
Thanks for coming
with me, Peter.
123
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,237
I need a dog for my date,
124
00:05:02,304 --> 00:05:03,583
but I don't know
the first thing about 'em.
125
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,511
No problem, Quagmire.
But just know
126
00:05:05,578 --> 00:05:07,247
I'm gonna spend
most of the time here
127
00:05:07,314 --> 00:05:09,652
finding the courage
to hold an iguana.
128
00:05:09,719 --> 00:05:10,855
Here he is.
129
00:05:10,921 --> 00:05:12,525
I'm not sure I'm ready!
130
00:05:13,927 --> 00:05:14,762
(barking)
131
00:05:14,829 --> 00:05:16,398
Uh, excuse me,
how much is that one?
132
00:05:16,465 --> 00:05:18,469
Oh, he's a purebred
Bichon Frise,
133
00:05:18,537 --> 00:05:20,473
so he's $1,500.
134
00:05:20,541 --> 00:05:23,412
For a dog?! Um, and‐and what's
your return policy?
135
00:05:23,479 --> 00:05:25,651
Is it, like, full money back
within ten days?
136
00:05:25,718 --> 00:05:27,855
Sir, if you're not interested,
I have to comb feces
137
00:05:27,922 --> 00:05:30,260
out of the guinea pigs' hair
with a wet paper towel.
138
00:05:30,326 --> 00:05:32,765
Go ahead, you can touch him.
139
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,268
(gasps)
140
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,005
It's dry.
141
00:05:39,512 --> 00:05:41,048
Sorry we couldn't get you a dog.
142
00:05:41,115 --> 00:05:43,520
Come on in, we'll have
however many beers it takes
143
00:05:43,587 --> 00:05:45,591
to forget how depressing
the shelter was.
144
00:05:45,658 --> 00:05:49,064
I'll go get
those aforementioned beers.
145
00:05:49,131 --> 00:05:51,468
Thanks, word‐a‐day calendar.
146
00:05:54,107 --> 00:05:56,345
Oh, hey, Quagmire.
147
00:05:56,412 --> 00:05:58,049
Mm.
148
00:05:58,115 --> 00:05:59,519
I mean, mmm, there he is!
149
00:05:59,586 --> 00:06:01,523
Brian the dog!
150
00:06:01,590 --> 00:06:03,794
What's going on here?
Why are you using my full name?
151
00:06:03,860 --> 00:06:05,764
All right,
let's cut to the chase.
152
00:06:05,831 --> 00:06:07,167
I like chases.
153
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,804
Okay, look,
I'm seeing this woman,
154
00:06:08,870 --> 00:06:10,708
and there's something
different about her.
155
00:06:10,774 --> 00:06:13,279
I mean, it's not just that
the sex is great, which it is,
156
00:06:13,346 --> 00:06:15,183
but I appreciate her
as a person,
157
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:17,655
which sounds kind of weird
coming out of my mouth.
158
00:06:17,722 --> 00:06:20,260
Anyway, I told her
I have a dog, so...
159
00:06:20,326 --> 00:06:22,330
would you pretend to be my dog?
160
00:06:22,397 --> 00:06:24,802
(laughing)
161
00:06:24,869 --> 00:06:27,742
Well, well, well.
162
00:06:28,543 --> 00:06:31,215
Well, well, well.
163
00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:34,589
Well, well,
well.
164
00:06:34,656 --> 00:06:36,726
Brian, come on, I'm serious.
Will you help me out?
165
00:06:36,793 --> 00:06:38,396
Glenn Quagmire,
there are not enough
166
00:06:38,462 --> 00:06:40,099
tennis balls
in the world for me to‐‐
167
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,736
- I have six.
- I'll do it.
168
00:06:47,548 --> 00:06:49,752
(dogs barking, howling)
169
00:06:51,155 --> 00:06:52,658
Thanks for doing this, Brian.
170
00:06:52,725 --> 00:06:54,261
And remember,
just act like a normal,
171
00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:56,065
well‐behaved, non‐talking dog.
172
00:06:56,131 --> 00:06:58,402
- Non‐talking?
- Yeah, just bark and stuff.
173
00:06:58,469 --> 00:07:00,440
Bark? Geez, it's been a while.
174
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,843
Let me give it a try.
175
00:07:01,910 --> 00:07:03,079
Brack.
176
00:07:03,145 --> 00:07:04,782
"Brack"?
What the hell is that?
177
00:07:04,849 --> 00:07:06,385
- I'm finding it.
- Damn it, Brian!
178
00:07:06,452 --> 00:07:07,564
I knew you were gonna
screw this up for me.
179
00:07:07,588 --> 00:07:08,924
I thought you wanted to help.
180
00:07:08,990 --> 00:07:11,462
"Help"? I'm not doing this
because I want to help.
181
00:07:11,529 --> 00:07:13,499
I'm only doing this
so I can have a front‐row seat
182
00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,969
when you crash and burn.
183
00:07:15,036 --> 00:07:16,816
Okay, first of all,
it's incredibly insensitive
184
00:07:16,840 --> 00:07:19,111
to say "crash and burn"
to a pilot.
185
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,514
And, second, how dare you?
186
00:07:20,581 --> 00:07:22,651
How dare you, Brian the dog?
187
00:07:22,718 --> 00:07:24,698
You know I'm right‐‐ you're
gonna get tired of the sex,
188
00:07:24,722 --> 00:07:26,325
and then you'll move
on to the next one.
189
00:07:26,392 --> 00:07:27,704
Oh, 'cause you know
everything, right?
190
00:07:27,728 --> 00:07:28,864
Well, you're wrong, Brian.
191
00:07:28,930 --> 00:07:30,501
Okay, shut up, here she comes.
192
00:07:30,567 --> 00:07:32,838
Hi, Glenn. This is Dexter.
193
00:07:32,905 --> 00:07:35,309
Aw, and who's this little guy?
194
00:07:35,376 --> 00:07:38,282
Uh, uh, this is... Harvey.
195
00:07:38,349 --> 00:07:40,219
Named after Weinstein, uh...
196
00:07:40,286 --> 00:07:43,426
'C‐Cause you can see his balls
when he answers the door.
197
00:07:43,492 --> 00:07:45,798
I may be dating myself,
but in the '90s,
198
00:07:45,864 --> 00:07:48,302
the funniest thing you could do
was show people your balls.
199
00:07:48,369 --> 00:07:50,674
C‐Can you start
talking now, please?
200
00:07:50,741 --> 00:07:52,310
Sorry, I couldn't hear you
201
00:07:52,377 --> 00:07:53,780
'cause my dog was licking
my ear.
202
00:07:53,847 --> 00:07:56,318
Oh, thank God.
This is my dog, Bob...
203
00:07:56,385 --> 00:07:57,721
Weinstein.
204
00:07:57,788 --> 00:07:58,990
He's man's best friend
205
00:07:59,057 --> 00:08:00,627
because he's very good
at keeping quiet.
206
00:08:00,694 --> 00:08:03,098
Do you mind if I take
five minutes in the parking lot?
207
00:08:03,165 --> 00:08:05,804
This is Spot.
208
00:08:09,979 --> 00:08:12,016
All right, Rupert,
when the thief comes back
209
00:08:12,083 --> 00:08:13,152
for the rest of my candy,
210
00:08:13,219 --> 00:08:15,657
he'll have to deal
with my latest invention.
211
00:08:16,593 --> 00:08:18,095
Hey, Stewie, what are you d‐‐
212
00:08:18,162 --> 00:08:20,567
(exclaims)
Aah! Help! Somebody help me!
213
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:22,972
I won't survive on the inside!
214
00:08:23,038 --> 00:08:25,309
(grunts)
Thief! I've caught you!
215
00:08:25,376 --> 00:08:27,180
Chris?
216
00:08:27,247 --> 00:08:28,550
Stewie, get off.
217
00:08:28,617 --> 00:08:30,286
I haven't been
stealing your candy.
218
00:08:30,353 --> 00:08:32,290
- Dad has.
- The fat man?
219
00:08:32,357 --> 00:08:34,862
He did the same thing to me
when I was younger.
220
00:08:34,929 --> 00:08:37,568
The only way to keep him
away from it is to hide it.
221
00:08:37,635 --> 00:08:39,170
And that's why I'm here.
222
00:08:39,237 --> 00:08:40,574
I'm gonna help you.
223
00:08:40,641 --> 00:08:42,778
Really? You'd do that for me?
224
00:08:42,845 --> 00:08:44,749
Of course, Stewie. We're family.
225
00:08:44,815 --> 00:08:46,619
We look out for each other,
226
00:08:46,686 --> 00:08:48,255
like the people on Succession.
227
00:08:48,322 --> 00:08:51,361
Well, don't leave me hanging
like that‐‐ throw out a name!
228
00:08:51,428 --> 00:08:53,533
- Tom.
- Oh, Tom!
229
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,904
Can you believe Tom?
230
00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:00,948
Carrie's gonna be here soon.
Can you give me a hand getting
231
00:09:01,014 --> 00:09:03,587
- this cat stuff out of here?
- Where is your cat, anyway?
232
00:09:03,653 --> 00:09:05,824
I don't know. No cat owner
knows where their cat is.
233
00:09:05,891 --> 00:09:07,427
Okay, but I still don't know why
234
00:09:07,493 --> 00:09:08,997
you're going through
all this trouble.
235
00:09:09,064 --> 00:09:10,910
I mean, you're just gonna bail
and leave her in the dust.
236
00:09:10,934 --> 00:09:13,272
- Hey, how's your son, Brian?
- Whoa!
237
00:09:13,339 --> 00:09:15,811
What happened to DEFCON four,
three, and two?
238
00:09:15,877 --> 00:09:17,189
- (doorbell rings)
- Okay, she's here.
239
00:09:17,213 --> 00:09:19,217
Get off the couch.
240
00:09:20,654 --> 00:09:22,725
- Who is it?
- It's The Purge.
241
00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,962
- We're here to beat you up.
- (laughs)
242
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:26,633
(smooching)
243
00:09:26,699 --> 00:09:30,039
Coming up, one pizza
with alternative crust.
244
00:09:30,106 --> 00:09:31,843
Oh! Yummy, yummy!
245
00:09:31,909 --> 00:09:34,782
Alternative crust pizza is
really good, Brian.
246
00:09:34,849 --> 00:09:36,552
You can't taste the difference.
247
00:09:36,619 --> 00:09:38,523
What aren't you lying
to yourself about?
248
00:09:38,590 --> 00:09:40,159
Okay, you want
to know the truth, Brian?
249
00:09:40,226 --> 00:09:42,030
Brian the dog? I love her.
250
00:09:42,096 --> 00:09:43,933
You hear me? Love.
251
00:09:45,169 --> 00:09:46,438
This is priceless.
252
00:09:46,506 --> 00:09:47,675
I haven't had this much fun
253
00:09:47,741 --> 00:09:49,377
since I went to that graveyard.
254
00:09:51,181 --> 00:09:53,428
- Yeah, how do you like
how this sounds, huh? - (urine trickling)
255
00:09:53,452 --> 00:09:56,693
Try cleaning up this mess
while you burn in hell!
256
00:09:56,759 --> 00:09:58,963
- Peter, you ready to go?
- Almost!
257
00:09:59,030 --> 00:10:01,334
- What do you mean
you don't like that? - (urine trickling)
258
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:03,873
Just try it, maybe you will!
259
00:10:06,746 --> 00:10:08,783
Thanks again
for having us over, Lois.
260
00:10:08,850 --> 00:10:10,419
Everything was so delicious.
261
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:12,423
Oh, my pleasure, Carrie.
262
00:10:12,490 --> 00:10:14,094
Yeah, I've got to say, Glenn,
263
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:16,264
I've never seen you
this happy before.
264
00:10:16,331 --> 00:10:18,737
Well, then you've never
seen me at my best before.
265
00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:21,007
And it's all thanks to Carrie.
266
00:10:22,076 --> 00:10:24,280
Aw, not at the dinner table.
267
00:10:24,347 --> 00:10:26,619
I'm sorry, Peter,
I just can't help myself.
268
00:10:26,686 --> 00:10:28,355
I'm crazy about this woman.
269
00:10:28,422 --> 00:10:30,426
(phone buzzing)
270
00:10:32,497 --> 00:10:34,502
Huh?
271
00:10:34,568 --> 00:10:37,440
(panting)
272
00:10:42,283 --> 00:10:44,822
- "Will you marry me?"
- What's this now?
273
00:10:44,889 --> 00:10:48,295
Oh, my God, Glenn, yes!
Yes, of course I'll marry you!
274
00:10:48,362 --> 00:10:50,132
Mmm...
275
00:10:50,199 --> 00:10:51,199
Mazel tov!
276
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,205
"Mazel tov"?
Where did that come from?
277
00:10:53,272 --> 00:10:57,280
From Marvelous Mrs. Mazel Tov.
Y‐you should know that, Lois.
278
00:10:57,346 --> 00:10:58,817
Mmm.
279
00:11:02,156 --> 00:11:04,327
Engaged?!
280
00:11:04,394 --> 00:11:07,768
Aw, come on, Quagmire,
you're killing me, man.
281
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,313
Babe, babe, please‐‐
Babe, please stop crying.
282
00:11:09,337 --> 00:11:12,176
Look, every couple needs to
take things at their own speed.
283
00:11:12,243 --> 00:11:14,515
It doesn't mean
I love you any less.
284
00:11:14,582 --> 00:11:17,588
Okay, look‐‐ how about
we look at rings this weekend?
285
00:11:17,654 --> 00:11:19,390
I‐I don't know.
Zales, probably?
286
00:11:19,457 --> 00:11:22,531
Well, that's what we can afford
since only one of us has a job!
287
00:11:22,598 --> 00:11:23,867
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
288
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,402
Ugh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
289
00:11:25,469 --> 00:11:26,672
(sighs)
290
00:11:26,739 --> 00:11:28,676
"Why don't you join me
for dinner?" he said,
291
00:11:28,743 --> 00:11:29,945
ruining his life.
292
00:11:35,757 --> 00:11:38,228
(humming)
293
00:11:38,295 --> 00:11:41,201
There he is,
the bridegroom to be.
294
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:44,240
That's right, the very happy
bridegroom to be,
295
00:11:44,307 --> 00:11:46,579
singing to himself.
♪ Dat da dat dee ♪
296
00:11:46,646 --> 00:11:48,015
♪ Da dee dee, da dee dee. ♪
297
00:11:48,081 --> 00:11:49,685
Oh, come on, give it up.
298
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,555
You're out of moves.
Checkmate.
299
00:11:51,622 --> 00:11:53,125
Hi, honey, we're home.
300
00:11:53,191 --> 00:11:54,828
Will you help me move in
his dog food,
301
00:11:54,895 --> 00:11:56,999
like we're preparing
for a flood?
302
00:11:59,505 --> 00:12:00,974
Dexter eats all this?
303
00:12:01,041 --> 00:12:03,178
Not just Dexter,
but Dexter and all
304
00:12:03,245 --> 00:12:04,858
- his rescue brothers
and sisters. - (dogs barking)
305
00:12:04,882 --> 00:12:07,053
Oh, my God,
how many are there?
306
00:12:07,119 --> 00:12:10,527
Hmm, enough to do a slow pan
with music from Airplane.
307
00:12:10,593 --> 00:12:12,798
♪
308
00:12:25,623 --> 00:12:28,061
Is‐is that one
just a back half?
309
00:12:28,128 --> 00:12:31,001
Oh, Backsy? Yeah.
She's a fighter.
310
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,105
Well, maybe she should
stop fightin'.
311
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:35,009
Okay, I'm gonna go
bring in all their meds,
312
00:12:35,075 --> 00:12:37,346
and then I'll set the 19
different feeding alarms
313
00:12:37,413 --> 00:12:39,752
on your phone. Mm.
314
00:12:39,818 --> 00:12:40,987
- (laughs)
- Shut up!
315
00:12:41,054 --> 00:12:41,989
I didn't say a word.
316
00:12:42,056 --> 00:12:44,862
I'm just... I'm just thrilled
you're getting
317
00:12:44,928 --> 00:12:46,398
all the happiness you deserve.
318
00:12:46,464 --> 00:12:48,903
I am happy.
Parade magazine says
319
00:12:48,970 --> 00:12:51,509
owning a dog is the secret
to having a happy life.
320
00:12:51,575 --> 00:12:53,178
You read Parade magazine?
321
00:12:53,245 --> 00:12:55,315
If you know a better magazine
for ordering plates
322
00:12:55,382 --> 00:12:57,702
with people's faces on them,
I would like to hear about it.
323
00:12:57,754 --> 00:12:59,090
(loud crash)
324
00:12:59,157 --> 00:13:02,329
Hey, babe, was the Princess
Diana plate important?
325
00:13:02,396 --> 00:13:03,432
(sighs)
326
00:13:03,498 --> 00:13:05,503
Brian, can you hand me
that Parade magazine,
327
00:13:05,570 --> 00:13:08,609
that envelope, that stamp
and that checkbook?
328
00:13:08,676 --> 00:13:11,047
(singsongy):
Thank you.
329
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,255
Who are we waiting for, Chris?
330
00:13:15,322 --> 00:13:16,826
I called in some professionals.
331
00:13:16,892 --> 00:13:19,765
They're gonna take us somewhere
Dad'll never find your candy.
332
00:13:19,832 --> 00:13:21,969
- And where's that?
- I can't say.
333
00:13:22,036 --> 00:13:23,906
There are ears everywhere.
334
00:13:23,973 --> 00:13:25,844
Good morning, Mr. Feldman.
335
00:13:25,910 --> 00:13:28,048
Morning, Chris.
Couldn't help but overhear
336
00:13:28,115 --> 00:13:29,918
you're off on a little trip.
337
00:13:29,985 --> 00:13:32,924
(chuckles)
Never mind about that, Mr. Feldman.
338
00:13:32,991 --> 00:13:35,395
- (quietly): See?
- MR. FELDMAN: I could hear that.
339
00:13:35,462 --> 00:13:36,397
(tires screech)
340
00:13:36,464 --> 00:13:38,301
Get in.
341
00:13:40,940 --> 00:13:42,611
(loud thump)
342
00:13:44,113 --> 00:13:48,054
You know, I should really be in
a backwards‐facing car seat.
343
00:13:49,858 --> 00:13:51,361
They're now saying
kids through eight
344
00:13:51,427 --> 00:13:54,133
should at least be
in a booster seat.
345
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,872
- You have any kids?
- Don't make small talk with these guys.
346
00:13:56,939 --> 00:13:58,074
No, no, it's all right.
347
00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,754
It's nice to have someone
ask for a change.
348
00:13:59,778 --> 00:14:02,349
Yes, I have four children,
all dead.
349
00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:03,786
Ah.
350
00:14:03,853 --> 00:14:06,191
(van squeaking)
351
00:14:08,563 --> 00:14:09,965
Well, here we are.
352
00:14:10,032 --> 00:14:13,038
Quick, hide your candy
in the tree.
353
00:14:13,104 --> 00:14:14,407
Is this our backyard?
354
00:14:14,473 --> 00:14:18,181
Yes. But we couldn't take
a chance of being followed.
355
00:14:28,468 --> 00:14:29,838
(grunting)
356
00:14:29,905 --> 00:14:32,944
Son of a‐‐
I'm pinching and lifting.
357
00:14:33,011 --> 00:14:34,380
(cries out)
358
00:14:48,843 --> 00:14:50,379
Oh!
359
00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:53,886
Hey, if you're making coffee,
I'll have a‐‐
360
00:14:53,953 --> 00:14:55,155
Whoa, kind of a mess in here.
361
00:14:55,222 --> 00:14:57,026
It's fine.
Everything is fine.
362
00:14:57,092 --> 00:14:58,729
I'm happy and in love.
363
00:14:58,796 --> 00:15:01,100
Damn it, Brian, did you leave
the doggy gate open?
364
00:15:01,167 --> 00:15:03,371
- (all barking)
- No, no, no, stop it.
365
00:15:03,438 --> 00:15:05,342
Peppy, you're allergic
to Frankie's food.
366
00:15:05,409 --> 00:15:06,945
Malcolm, stop humping
your brother.
367
00:15:07,012 --> 00:15:08,148
Backsy, outside!
368
00:15:08,214 --> 00:15:09,494
CARRIE:
Babe, can you give me a hand
369
00:15:09,518 --> 00:15:10,653
moving my furniture
370
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:13,358
all around the room until I find
a place I like for it?
371
00:15:13,425 --> 00:15:15,462
Kind of in the middle
of something, babe!
372
00:15:15,530 --> 00:15:17,499
Ah, the seven‐hour itch.
373
00:15:17,567 --> 00:15:19,279
Shut up, Brian.
Why don't you go for a walk?
374
00:15:19,303 --> 00:15:20,883
- (dogs barking excitedly)
- No, no, no, no, no.
375
00:15:20,907 --> 00:15:22,009
No walk. No walk.
No, no.
376
00:15:22,076 --> 00:15:23,546
We're not going for a walk.
377
00:15:23,612 --> 00:15:24,347
I gotta stop saying "walk."
378
00:15:24,413 --> 00:15:26,685
I said walk again.
And there again.
379
00:15:26,752 --> 00:15:29,023
CARRIE:
Honey, I want to make a stir‐fry tonight.
380
00:15:29,090 --> 00:15:30,769
- Have we unpacked the wok?
- (dogs barking louder)
381
00:15:30,793 --> 00:15:32,997
No, no, w‐O‐K.
382
00:15:33,064 --> 00:15:35,035
W‐O‐K. She said wok!
383
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,039
(sobbing):
She said wok.
384
00:15:37,106 --> 00:15:39,377
She said wok...
385
00:15:51,735 --> 00:15:53,104
(gasps)
386
00:15:54,641 --> 00:15:57,112
My candy, it's all gone.
387
00:15:57,179 --> 00:15:59,083
Even my West Hollywood candy.
388
00:15:59,150 --> 00:16:02,122
My Twinx bar.
My very Milky Way.
389
00:16:02,189 --> 00:16:03,993
(gasps)
My Reese's Penis.
390
00:16:04,059 --> 00:16:05,997
Who's done this to me?
391
00:16:06,063 --> 00:16:09,437
Who's taken candy
from a baby?
392
00:16:16,083 --> 00:16:19,023
Well, we did it. Cheers.
393
00:16:19,089 --> 00:16:21,194
We sure did, Chris.
394
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:23,599
- Cool iguana.
- He's dry.
395
00:16:23,666 --> 00:16:25,135
I named him Arid.
396
00:16:25,202 --> 00:16:28,609
Thank you, word‐a‐day calendar,
travel edition.
397
00:16:37,527 --> 00:16:39,230
Just met some of Carrie's
friends.
398
00:16:39,296 --> 00:16:41,635
They are very excited
for her.
399
00:16:41,702 --> 00:16:44,440
- Well, they should be.
- Well, they should be.
400
00:16:44,508 --> 00:16:45,843
And they are.
401
00:16:45,910 --> 00:16:48,849
Anyway, expectations are high.
402
00:16:48,916 --> 00:16:50,553
(glass clinking)
403
00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:52,991
Thank you, everyone, for coming
to our engagement party.
404
00:16:53,057 --> 00:16:55,262
And an extra thanks
to my airline buddies
405
00:16:55,328 --> 00:16:56,397
for organizing it.
406
00:16:56,464 --> 00:16:59,003
Uh, folks, our party time
tonight is
407
00:16:59,069 --> 00:17:01,107
two hours and 48 minutes.
408
00:17:01,173 --> 00:17:02,644
We know you have
lots of choices
409
00:17:02,710 --> 00:17:05,716
for terrible weekend activities,
and we hope to see you soon
410
00:17:05,783 --> 00:17:09,089
on an inconvenient weekend
for their destination wedding,
411
00:17:09,156 --> 00:17:12,864
which I hear is on a Thursday
in Lisbon, Portugal.
412
00:17:12,931 --> 00:17:13,975
- WOMAN: That's so far.
- MAN: Come on!
413
00:17:13,999 --> 00:17:15,035
Yep. Yep.
414
00:17:15,101 --> 00:17:17,272
It's been wonderful meeting
all of Carrie's family
415
00:17:17,339 --> 00:17:19,209
and friends.
(chuckles)
416
00:17:19,276 --> 00:17:21,715
I only wish you were all
wearing nametags.
417
00:17:21,782 --> 00:17:22,717
(laughter)
418
00:17:22,784 --> 00:17:24,253
Isn't he adorable?
419
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,990
My expectations are high.
420
00:17:26,057 --> 00:17:28,127
You know, I first met Carrie
and her niece
421
00:17:28,194 --> 00:17:30,131
a couple of weeks ago
on Halloween.
422
00:17:30,198 --> 00:17:32,469
Thank God they decided
to take that walk.
423
00:17:33,939 --> 00:17:35,876
And now we're headed
down the aisle;
424
00:17:35,943 --> 00:17:37,580
a very different
kind of walk.
425
00:17:37,647 --> 00:17:39,851
(barking excitedly)
426
00:17:39,918 --> 00:17:41,955
And, Carrie,
if I may borrow a line
427
00:17:42,022 --> 00:17:43,391
from our favorite song,
428
00:17:43,458 --> 00:17:45,495
I would walk 500 miles...
429
00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:50,573
Stampede!
430
00:17:54,814 --> 00:17:57,319
(dogs barking)
431
00:18:19,229 --> 00:18:22,537
- Isn't he adorable?
- He loves those dogs.
432
00:18:22,603 --> 00:18:25,910
I'm hearing a lot of good things
about that guy.
433
00:18:28,081 --> 00:18:29,016
That's it.
434
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,653
Glenn, are you okay?
435
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,055
No, I'm not okay.
436
00:18:32,122 --> 00:18:34,026
I thought I could do this,
but I can't.
437
00:18:34,093 --> 00:18:35,796
I've been lying to you,
438
00:18:35,863 --> 00:18:37,567
and I've been lying to myself.
439
00:18:37,633 --> 00:18:39,069
There's something
you need to know.
440
00:18:39,136 --> 00:18:41,073
I hate dogs.
441
00:18:41,140 --> 00:18:42,342
(all gasp)
442
00:18:42,409 --> 00:18:46,050
Uh, this party has begun
its initial descent.
443
00:18:46,117 --> 00:18:47,285
That's not even my dog.
444
00:18:47,352 --> 00:18:50,291
That's Brian, my neighbor's dog.
He can talk.
445
00:18:50,358 --> 00:18:51,695
Brian, say something.
446
00:18:51,762 --> 00:18:53,231
- Brack.
- Bite me.
447
00:18:53,297 --> 00:18:55,603
Glenn... (scoffs)
I can't believe this.
448
00:18:55,669 --> 00:18:57,807
So you don't like dogs,
that's fine.
449
00:18:57,874 --> 00:19:02,048
But you didn't have to lie and
put me through all of this.
450
00:19:02,115 --> 00:19:04,419
Good‐bye, Glenn.
451
00:19:07,627 --> 00:19:10,699
Uh, folks, please use caution
as you exit the party
452
00:19:10,766 --> 00:19:13,539
as some of your feelings
may have shifted.
453
00:19:13,605 --> 00:19:15,308
Well, well, well.
454
00:19:15,375 --> 00:19:18,247
Save it, Brian. I'll concede
that you were right.
455
00:19:18,314 --> 00:19:19,984
But you know what?
So was I.
456
00:19:20,051 --> 00:19:21,320
Dogs are the worst.
457
00:19:21,387 --> 00:19:23,959
And I'm coming for you,
Brian the dog.
458
00:19:24,026 --> 00:19:25,996
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
459
00:19:26,063 --> 00:19:27,800
But one day.
460
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:29,102
Maybe tomorrow.
461
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:30,840
And when that day comes,
you're gonna say,
462
00:19:30,906 --> 00:19:33,444
ooh, Glenn got me good.
463
00:19:33,512 --> 00:19:36,183
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to take a walk.
464
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,254
Brack?
465
00:19:39,624 --> 00:19:43,397
Oh, no. Stay...
466
00:19:46,136 --> 00:19:47,506
You're coming back, though,
right?
467
00:19:54,319 --> 00:19:57,560
Hey, Brian, I was just over
talking to Quagmire,
468
00:19:57,627 --> 00:19:59,205
and he thought you might
want to take a look
469
00:19:59,229 --> 00:20:00,331
at my new screenplay.
470
00:20:00,398 --> 00:20:01,476
Oh, I‐I don't really, uh...
471
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:03,037
It's called Ocean's 1.
472
00:20:03,104 --> 00:20:04,741
Between you and me,
I can't believe
473
00:20:04,807 --> 00:20:05,843
nobody's done it before,
474
00:20:05,910 --> 00:20:08,281
to say nothing of
Ocean's 2 through 7.
475
00:20:08,347 --> 00:20:10,552
Yeah, I‐I could, uh,
take a look, sure.
476
00:20:10,619 --> 00:20:12,088
It's a little long right now.
477
00:20:12,155 --> 00:20:13,859
It's about 430 pages.
478
00:20:13,926 --> 00:20:18,434
I have my "all is lost" moment
on page 389, thereabouts.
479
00:20:19,269 --> 00:20:21,841
Quagmire!
480
00:20:21,908 --> 00:20:25,582
Now, if'n you don't know,
most Hollywood screenplays
481
00:20:25,649 --> 00:20:28,487
wrap up at around 110 pages.
482
00:20:28,555 --> 00:20:32,128
And if'n it's a comedy, why,
you want it in the 90s.
483
00:20:32,195 --> 00:20:35,703
Anyway, they said I could have
these last few seconds
484
00:20:35,769 --> 00:20:38,642
to mention something
near and dear to me.
485
00:20:38,709 --> 00:20:42,382
So, men, don't be afraid
to have the doctor
486
00:20:42,449 --> 00:20:45,321
put a camera up your old
saddle masher.
487
00:20:45,388 --> 00:20:47,860
They knock you out now,
and it's a good way
488
00:20:47,927 --> 00:20:51,400
to make sure there's no
bad beans in your mess wagon.
489
00:20:51,467 --> 00:20:54,741
We hope you've enjoyed
the Family Guy.
490
00:20:54,807 --> 00:20:56,811
♪
491
00:20:56,861 --> 00:21:01,411
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