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1
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:18,496
You should prepare yourself.
2
00:00:18,520 --> 00:00:19,816
Where is it?
3
00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:21,856
I told him what to expect...
4
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:23,560
Just show me.
5
00:00:56,920 --> 00:00:58,416
Bloody hell, Ruth!
6
00:00:58,440 --> 00:00:59,776
This is going to take ages!
7
00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:01,376
I told your boss
it was a bad one.
8
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:03,016
It's 3.00! I'm supposed to be...
9
00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,336
Curry night. I told them,
"He won't like this."
10
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:07,296
"It's curry night
at the White Horse."
11
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:08,337
It's on everything!
12
00:01:08,361 --> 00:01:11,416
Look, it's on
curtains, bloody clock!
13
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:13,496
Who puts a white
rug in a kitchen?
14
00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:15,880
Did Siegfried move
here after Roy died?
15
00:01:17,040 --> 00:01:19,936
Jesus! What happened? A
woman killed her husband.
16
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:21,576
What with, a combine harvester?
17
00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:24,336
Stabbed him 38 times. Why?
18
00:01:24,360 --> 00:01:25,816
To piss me off?
19
00:01:25,840 --> 00:01:27,376
You only need five stabs.
20
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:28,976
Anything else is showboating.
21
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,056
Oh, you'll be all
right, you've got ages!
22
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:32,536
I'm a cleaner.
23
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,536
I'm not Jesus.
24
00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:37,936
The naans come out at 7.00,
and they go stale very quickly.
25
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,016
I need to be sat down
by 6.30 at the latest.
26
00:01:40,040 --> 00:01:41,656
Well, there you go, three hours.
27
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,817
And I'm up there later.
28
00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:45,016
I'll get Mervin to
keep you a jalfrezi.
29
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:47,656
Do you think this
is a three-hour job?
30
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:48,697
I've not looked yet,
31
00:01:48,721 --> 00:01:51,016
but I'd be willing to bet
there's blood on the ceiling.
32
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,216
Yep! Hello! Oh, and also
33
00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:54,816
the models need doing.
34
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:58,496
They were his pride and joy,
apparently. Why? He's dead!
35
00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,856
Who's going to care? His
wife who murdered him?
36
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,576
Or am I being
thorough for a ghost?
37
00:02:02,600 --> 00:02:06,456
You're just grumpy cos you're on
a promise from the tattooed milf.
38
00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:07,776
No, I'm not.
39
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:10,616
She'll be waiting for you, no
matter how late you get there.
40
00:02:10,640 --> 00:02:13,496
I'm not seeing her
any more. Aw. Why not?
41
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:15,696
I think it was cos I realised
that everybody calls her
42
00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,776
"the tattooed milf" -
even her own mother.
43
00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,776
She doesn't even have
that many tattoos.
44
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:22,736
You haven't seen her back, mate.
It's all anchors and sea monsters.
45
00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,896
It's like shagging a
treasure map. Ohh, God!
46
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,536
She's even got it
on the pot plants!
47
00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:29,656
Oh, well, good luck, Mr Mop.
48
00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,680
See you later... hopefully.
49
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:34,616
All right.
50
00:02:34,640 --> 00:02:36,256
Right, Wicky.
51
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,616
Think curry.
52
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:39,776
Just think delicious curry.
53
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,840
The Only One I Know
by The Charlatans.
54
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:50,696
♪ The only one I know
55
00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:54,536
♪ Has come to take me away
56
00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:59,056
♪ The only one I know
57
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:03,200
♪ Is mine when she stitches me
58
00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,176
♪ The only one I see
59
00:03:12,200 --> 00:03:16,096
♪ Has found an aching in me
60
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,416
♪ The only one I see
61
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:24,360
♪ Has turned her tongue into me
62
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,760
♪ Everyone...
63
00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:36,336
Hello? Mr Policeman?
64
00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:37,880
It's the friendly neighbour!
65
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,760
Hello. Argh!
66
00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,480
Hey!
67
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,720
How are you feeling?
68
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,016
Yeah, I'm a little
shaken, but I'll live.
69
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,296
Honestly, you're
just like my boy,
70
00:03:57,320 --> 00:04:00,056
running around, causing chaos.
71
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,177
To be honest with you,
72
00:04:01,201 --> 00:04:03,416
I was pretty pleased
that I kicked that high.
73
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,936
Ah! You boys and your karate!
74
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,736
Ah...
75
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:10,320
Well, I'd better get on.
76
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,760
Yes, dear. I'm just
waiting for my letter.
77
00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:22,216
Your...?
78
00:04:22,240 --> 00:04:24,016
Well, as I say to my boy,
79
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,176
what's an apology
without a letter?
80
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,896
It's like a burp
in the wind, huh?
81
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:31,016
You want me to write
you an apology letter?
82
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:34,000
The pie didn't kick itself out
of my hands now, did it, dear?
83
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:36,856
Why not?
84
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:40,216
Well, it came as no surprise to
me that Mrs Bellingham did this.
85
00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,656
Never trust a woman
who doesn't bake.
86
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,416
I used to bring a pie
round every Tuesday
87
00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:46,856
for poor Mr Bellingham.
88
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:48,456
And now, look.
89
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,736
Not all women bake,
though, do they?
90
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,616
All women of my generation do.
91
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,216
It was drummed into us,
92
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,376
and if she's not baking,
what is she doing?
93
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:59,016
I guess she's into other things.
94
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,000
Exactly what Myra Hindley said.
95
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,816
So... you must be a policeman.
96
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:08,136
How exciting.
97
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:09,656
No, I'm here to clean up, so...
98
00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,536
You're a cleaner?
What did I tell you?
99
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,376
The world is upside down!
100
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:14,776
Crime scene cleaner.
101
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:16,736
It needs a woman's touch.
102
00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,696
Now, get me a mop,
and I'll do it.
103
00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,816
Name a stain! Pardon?
104
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,216
Name a stain that's
impossible to get out.
105
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,616
Beetroot on linen.
106
00:05:25,640 --> 00:05:26,856
Pectinase. What?
107
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,616
It's an enzyme which breaks
down pectin, a polysaccharide
108
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,416
found in plant cell walls.
109
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,216
Used in conjunction
with hydrogen peroxide
110
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,816
and a microfibre brush,
111
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,616
I can get beetroot
out of anything.
112
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,896
And you know why?
113
00:05:40,920 --> 00:05:44,736
Because I am a qualified
crime scene cleaner.
114
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:48,176
I can get dried blood out
of a white woollen carpet.
115
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:51,016
I can remove skull
fragments from velvet. Ew!
116
00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:53,640
So... think on!
117
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,640
Yeah. Firm, but fair.
118
00:06:11,880 --> 00:06:13,176
Hello.
119
00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:14,297
Hey!
120
00:06:14,321 --> 00:06:16,896
Sorry. I didn't
mean to startle you.
121
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,216
I let myself in.
122
00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:20,776
Has everyone got keys
to this bloody house?
123
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:21,977
Oh, gosh. I hope not.
124
00:06:22,001 --> 00:06:24,936
Erm, just me and our neighbour
now, I think. It's all right.
125
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:27,296
At least you weren't
carrying a pie, I suppose.
126
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,216
Oh, no. I don't bake.
127
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:32,896
No. It was a source of some...
irritation for my husband.
128
00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,336
Oh.
129
00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,056
You're the, erm...?
130
00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,856
Oh, this is...?
131
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,816
I'm the wife, yes.
132
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,016
Oh, I suppose I should
say "widow" now.
133
00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:46,016
Yes, I suppose you should!
134
00:06:46,040 --> 00:06:47,976
I was just, erm...
135
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:51,056
I was just going to go
and get some... murder.
136
00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,176
Some...? Some
murder for the stab.
137
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:54,936
What am I talking about?
138
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,496
I was just going to go and
fill my bucket with blood.
139
00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,056
For the murder stab.
140
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:00,376
Water!
141
00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,656
Water to clean the stab a man
murder walls of all the blood!
142
00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:05,056
Water!
143
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:07,576
Water for my bucket!
144
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:09,816
So, I'll go and do that,
145
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:13,880
and then, maybe you and I could
have a nice cup of tea, couldn't we?
146
00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:17,240
I'm afraid I'm going to
have to ask you to stay.
147
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:20,600
If you don't mind awfully.
148
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,000
I would be delighted.
149
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,856
In the cupboard, please.
150
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:36,056
Oh... In the cupboard.
151
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,656
No, I can't. I'm sorry.
I'm claustrophobic.
152
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,896
And I can see they've
got wool coats in there,
153
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:41,937
and I'm allergic.
154
00:07:41,961 --> 00:07:44,656
It makes my throat go up like
a puffer fish. Seriously.
155
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:46,256
Cupboard.
156
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:47,976
Look, how long are
you going to be?
157
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,536
Just collecting some things,
then I'll be on my way.
158
00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:51,976
So, like, ten minutes?
159
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,456
Or are you going to lock me in,
160
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,336
and then wait for
me to be discovered?
161
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:57,720
Sorry, have you got
somewhere you've got to be?
162
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:00,976
Well, yeah.
163
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,776
You're being held at gunpoint
by a woman who you know has,
164
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,056
within the past 48 hours,
165
00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:08,576
used her husband
as a knife block.
166
00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:12,176
So, do weigh up your answer
to this really carefully.
167
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,040
What is so... important?
168
00:08:16,840 --> 00:08:19,736
Well, it's nothing.
I was just...
169
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:22,176
I was just going to
go to the White Horse.
170
00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:24,096
A pub? It's curry night.
171
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:26,616
It's curry night? Yeah. It's £5.
172
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,296
And, honestly, considering it's all
cooked by a white guy called Mervin,
173
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,337
it is delicious.
174
00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:33,656
What, it's worth being shot for?
175
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,176
You should come!
176
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,816
It's as many naans
as you can eat.
177
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,216
That's a mistake by Mervin.
178
00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:40,816
I had nine last week
before the madras came out.
179
00:08:40,840 --> 00:08:43,856
OK. So, you're refusing to get
in because of Mervin's naans?
180
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,376
Let's get this over
with. Hey, hey, hey, no!
181
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,760
I'll get in. I'll get in.
Lovely. It'll be nice.
182
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,176
You couldn't ring
ahead, then, could you?
183
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:04,056
And ask them if they'll put
some on one side for me?
184
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:06,256
If you look on Google,
it's the White Horse.
185
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,896
Don't go on the website,
186
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:09,496
because Mervin messed that up.
187
00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,936
The link just takes
you to an abattoir.
188
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:13,216
In Poland.
189
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,776
I think it's Poland.
190
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,736
Either way, the cows look weird.
191
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:17,776
Hello?!
192
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:18,937
Oh, my God.
193
00:09:18,961 --> 00:09:20,640
How dull must your life be?
194
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,040
Come with me.
195
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:34,760
Sit.
196
00:09:38,240 --> 00:09:40,896
This church has a
little surprise.
197
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,296
Smoke?
198
00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:43,600
Yeah.
199
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:56,960
Ah...
200
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:03,776
First time I've ever
done this in here.
201
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,696
He didn't approve of smoking.
202
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:07,320
No, of course he didn't.
203
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,856
That's why I liked hiding them
in his precious little models.
204
00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,080
That was a minor
act of rebellion.
205
00:10:16,880 --> 00:10:18,096
Oh, don't worry.
206
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,056
I'll, erm... I'll
open the windows.
207
00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,456
Oh, it's not that.
208
00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:23,936
It's, erm... it's all the...
209
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,816
Hm? Oh, yes.
210
00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:27,336
I do need to change.
211
00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,256
Don't worry. I've no
intention of hurting you.
212
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,096
Mind you, I had no intention
of hurting my husband.
213
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,376
It's funny. I, erm...
214
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:39,016
I really don't
remember what happened.
215
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,096
You stabbed him. 38 times.
216
00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,496
Goodness me!
217
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,376
I was cross, wasn't I? Yes.
218
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:47,936
Five would've been plenty. Hm.
219
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:50,136
I mean... do you mind me asking?
220
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,696
Hm?
221
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,816
What did he do wrong?
222
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:55,496
He made models.
223
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:57,616
No. No, I mean, why
did you kill him?
224
00:10:57,640 --> 00:10:59,880
I know what you meant,
and my answer remains.
225
00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:03,736
I don't understand.
226
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,696
Have you ever had a paper cut?
227
00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:07,456
I don't think I ever have.
228
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,856
But do you know what? There
was a kid I went to school
229
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,216
with who used to give them
to himself on purpose.
230
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,336
A cry for help? Oh, no.
He was just a nutter.
231
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:17,096
Last time I saw him, he was
riding round town on a dog.
232
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:19,336
A paper cut is, erm...
233
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:21,096
It's small.
234
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,176
It isn't life-threatening.
235
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,736
But it really hurts.
236
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,800
It bleeds for a
really long time.
237
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,256
And that's what my
marriage was like.
238
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,576
A tiny paper cut...
after tiny paper cut.
239
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,736
Until one day... well, I
decided I'd bled enough.
240
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:40,296
It was his turn.
241
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:45,776
I believe the final straw was
the reordering of the fridge.
242
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:50,376
Eh? Yeah. All of the bottles
rearranged in height order.
243
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,736
It sounds silly, doesn't it?
244
00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,056
But I opened the door
245
00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,656
and, suddenly, I thought,
246
00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:00,456
"I do not want the juice
at the top and the Yakult"
247
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:02,200
"at the bottom, and..."
248
00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:05,817
Well...
249
00:12:05,841 --> 00:12:07,176
I know what you mean.
250
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:09,976
My ex, once, she put all the
DVDs in alphabetical order,
251
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:11,496
and I ran her over with the van.
252
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:13,456
Did you? No!
253
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,336
Because I'm not a psychopath.
254
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,336
I'm not a psychopath.
255
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,536
I'm the treasurer of
the community centre.
256
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:22,296
Oh, right. Well, as long as
the coffee morning receipts
257
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,056
are in order, who's going to
begrudge you a little bloodbath?
258
00:12:25,080 --> 00:12:27,376
I see.
259
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:28,417
Upstairs.
260
00:12:28,441 --> 00:12:30,520
I'm not going in the
cupboard. Upstairs!
261
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:37,616
Right, get in the bathroom.
262
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,016
Was that always an option?
263
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,856
Why did we have to go through
all that cupboard pantomime?
264
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,416
Please, don't be fooled
by my charming demeanour.
265
00:12:45,440 --> 00:12:47,680
I'm on the edge. I have
little time. Get in.
266
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:09,960
Fucking sausages!
267
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:12,657
Hey!
268
00:13:12,681 --> 00:13:14,096
Psst!
269
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:15,976
Hey, kid!
270
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,296
Psst!
271
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:18,896
Mama said I'm not
to talk to you.
272
00:13:18,920 --> 00:13:20,536
What? Why?
273
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,016
Because you go around kicking
pies out of people's hands.
274
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:25,640
Kid, I need your help here!
275
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,576
Oh, my God.
276
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,656
You got a problem?
No, no problem!
277
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:38,936
Listen. Lend me your phone.
278
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,336
I haven't got a phone.
279
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:42,656
I don't want square eyes,
thank you very much.
280
00:13:42,680 --> 00:13:45,536
Can you go and ask your
mum if she'll...? Erm...
281
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,056
Mum's not going to want to
help you, Mr Pie-Kicker.
282
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,136
That's what I wanted
to talk to her about.
283
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,056
Because of my silly behaviour,
I didn't get to taste her pie.
284
00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:55,576
Delicious pies. Yeah,
yeah, delicious pie!
285
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:59,096
So, I was wondering if she'd
give me a second chance,
286
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:00,736
and bring me another pie?
287
00:14:00,760 --> 00:14:03,296
You'd have to write her a sorry
letter. She's had a letter!
288
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,200
Mum! Oh, hey, hey, hey!
289
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,400
This is all there is.
290
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,000
This is the best I can do.
291
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,336
All done?
292
00:14:58,360 --> 00:14:59,377
Yeah. Nearly.
293
00:14:59,401 --> 00:15:01,256
Erm... I need to
use the bathroom.
294
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:03,176
Oh, yeah. Of course.
295
00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:04,480
Where are you going?
296
00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,536
You said you needed
to use... I do.
297
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:09,336
You're going to have
to stay in here.
298
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,136
Of course.
299
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,696
Of course you're going to
make me watch you have a wee.
300
00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,080
Turn around.
301
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,536
It's not a wee I
need, I'm afraid.
302
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:19,856
What?
303
00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:21,576
No, you can't!
304
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,016
Not while I'm in here.
305
00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,696
What, are you under the
impression that women don't?
306
00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,656
No, I'm perfectly
aware that women do.
307
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,176
I just don't want to be in
the room when it... comes out.
308
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,217
Well, tough.
309
00:15:31,241 --> 00:15:33,696
I have been dancing to the
tune of man for 35 years.
310
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,696
If I need to defecate, you can just
damn well stand there and listen.
311
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,456
Oh, yeah. Good.
Good. You carry on.
312
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,536
Cos this is important, isn't it?
313
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,856
This is like when you
won the vote. Go on!
314
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,320
Poo your way into history.
315
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,936
Oh, for God's sake!
316
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,600
Be quiet! Me be quiet?!
317
00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:00,856
Have you considered
this might just be gas?
318
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:01,977
No, I'm constipated.
319
00:16:02,001 --> 00:16:04,696
It's hardly surprising -
I've been eating corned beef
320
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:06,096
in the woods for two nights.
321
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:07,480
That's what it is!
322
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,216
Oh, it's no good.
323
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:12,336
It's not going to come
while you're in here.
324
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,856
Well, let me go outside, then.
325
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,736
I won't run away, I
promise. You will.
326
00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:18,936
OK, I will run
away! But come on!
327
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,816
All right. Stand
outside. Go slowly.
328
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:24,016
But the moment you're
outside, you start talking.
329
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:27,080
If you stop talking for a second,
I'll start shooting. Fine!
330
00:16:29,240 --> 00:16:30,896
Talk!
331
00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:31,937
What about?
332
00:16:31,961 --> 00:16:33,656
I don't know. Anything.
333
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,256
All right.
334
00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:37,296
There'll be three
types of curry tonight.
335
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,976
There'll be a madras,
and a jalfrezi...
336
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,256
No, not about your curry.
I'm bored of your curry.
337
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:43,120
God, your world's
so fucking small!
338
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,056
I can't think!
339
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,896
Why not? I don't know.
340
00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,376
I suppose it's because
I'm being held at gunpoint
341
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:52,096
by a murderer who's
having a shit!
342
00:16:52,120 --> 00:16:54,256
Sing, then. Sing what?
343
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,320
I don't know! It doesn't matter!
344
00:16:58,840 --> 00:16:59,857
♪ Why do...
345
00:16:59,881 --> 00:17:02,696
♪ Why do I do just as you say?
346
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:05,656
♪ Why do I just
give you your way?
347
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,896
♪ Why do I sigh?
348
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,896
♪ Why must I try to forget?
349
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,136
♪ It must have been something
that lovers call fate
350
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:16,736
♪ That kept me saying
I had to wait...
351
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,736
♪ I heard them all
352
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:24,720
♪ Just couldn't fall till we met
353
00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:31,720
♪ It had to be you
354
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,696
♪ I wandered around
355
00:17:36,720 --> 00:17:38,816
♪ Finally found
356
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:42,496
♪ The somebody who
357
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,480
♪ Could make me be true
358
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,520
♪ Could make me be blue
359
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,616
♪ And even be glad
360
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,496
♪ Just to be sad
361
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,680
♪ Thinking of you
362
00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,960
♪ Some others I've seen
363
00:18:03,280 --> 00:18:06,480
♪ Might never be mean
364
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:10,056
♪ Might never be cross
365
00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:12,056
♪ Or try to be boss
366
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,736
♪ But they wouldn't do
367
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,656
♪ For nobody else
368
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,816
♪ Gave me a thrill
369
00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,656
♪ With all your faults
370
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:24,936
♪ I love you still
371
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,816
♪ It had to be you
372
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:28,816
♪ Wonderful you
373
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:30,920
♪ It had to be you... ♪
374
00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:40,616
Success? Yes.
375
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:43,696
But, erm, I'm afraid you're going
to have to get back in there.
376
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,416
That's fine. It's
part of the job.
377
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:47,960
I'm used to odours. Yeah.
378
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,096
Yeah.
379
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,760
I mean, fair play, that's awful.
380
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,880
Shh! Be quiet!
381
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:13,120
I told you to shut up.
382
00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,056
Oh... piss.
383
00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,976
I thought it was weird.
384
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,136
I thought it was weird that you
stabbed him to death when you had
385
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,856
a perfectly good
gun in the house.
386
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:26,136
But this is... One of
his stupid models, yeah.
387
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:29,560
It's very good. I didn't say
he wasn't good at models.
388
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:33,016
Hello? Hello there?
389
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:35,336
I got your apology!
390
00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:37,176
I have a pie!
391
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,136
I don't understand.
392
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,096
If he was that bad for
all those years... No.
393
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,216
why didn't you
just...? No, I know.
394
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,936
I had a chance of pushing him
down a huge flight of stairs
395
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,296
a few years ago, but
chickened out last minute.
396
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:52,816
No! I don't mean why
didn't you kill him sooner.
397
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,256
I mean, why didn't
you just leave him?
398
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:59,136
Hello! I've accepted
your apology!
399
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:02,016
Sunk cost fallacy.
400
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:05,256
What? It's a term I
learned at business school
401
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,296
when I had my own ambitions,
402
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,496
and before I gave
my life to him.
403
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:10,816
Well, what does it mean?
404
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,456
Hello?
405
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:14,680
What does it matter?
It's over now.
406
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,520
Do what you need to do.
407
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:20,896
Anyway
408
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,616
you wouldn't understand.
409
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,560
Hello?
410
00:20:34,880 --> 00:20:36,960
Ahh!
411
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,000
Try me.
412
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:47,360
Can I show you something?
413
00:20:58,560 --> 00:20:59,737
Where are we going?
414
00:20:59,761 --> 00:21:02,416
Have you ever heard of the
Dolomites? Yes, of course.
415
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,056
It's where the castle is
with the man, isn't it?
416
00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:07,176
Yeah. No, 'course you haven't.
417
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,416
It's a mountain range in Italy.
418
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,816
My grandfather, he
was from the region,
419
00:21:11,840 --> 00:21:13,216
and when I was a little girl,
420
00:21:13,240 --> 00:21:16,176
he used to tell me
tales of their beauty.
421
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:17,896
Crystal-clear lakes.
422
00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:21,496
Air so pure, you'd feel
drunk with every inhalation.
423
00:21:21,520 --> 00:21:23,496
Erm, around every corner,
424
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,616
a more godlike vista.
425
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,176
Anyway, in the months leading
up to my 50th birthday,
426
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,776
I dropped so many hints
427
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,736
my longing to go there,
to breathe in that air.
428
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,216
I even took Italian lessons.
429
00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,680
And...
430
00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:44,800
Oh, God.
431
00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:50,240
Yeah.
432
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,016
It took him months.
433
00:22:00,040 --> 00:22:01,456
Barely saw him.
434
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,096
He'd creep into bed at night.
435
00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:05,176
The stench of glue
will haunt me for life.
436
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:06,776
Well, it's sort of sweet.
437
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,776
He remembered you
liked the Dolomites.
438
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:11,696
What? Well, it shows he
was listening, doesn't it?
439
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,896
Hey, for my mum's
birthday this year,
440
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,416
my dad bought her a telescope.
441
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,000
She's registered blind.
442
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,816
A lifetime following him around
443
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,056
from model convention
to miniature railway.
444
00:22:24,080 --> 00:22:26,856
And the one chance
that he has to make up
445
00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,416
for 35 years of disappointment
446
00:22:29,440 --> 00:22:31,776
and take me to the
place of my dreams,
447
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:33,400
and he makes me a model of it?!
448
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,056
No! This is all about him.
449
00:22:38,080 --> 00:22:41,576
And, anyway, I
want to live life.
450
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:46,656
I don't want to stare at a
mini polystyrene version of it.
451
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:48,936
You married a nerd!
452
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,936
Why did you stay with a nerd?
453
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:53,256
Sunk cost fallacy, I told you.
454
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:56,096
If you invest a
lifetime into something,
455
00:22:56,120 --> 00:23:00,016
pulling out means that
lifetime meant nothing.
456
00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:02,456
Fine. Why did you
have to stab him?
457
00:23:02,480 --> 00:23:04,320
Because I loved him.
458
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,416
OK, you're an absolute nut job.
459
00:23:08,440 --> 00:23:09,856
Maybe.
460
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:12,256
Well, you're not going
to get away with it.
461
00:23:12,280 --> 00:23:14,336
There'll be pictures
of you everywhere.
462
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:16,680
Oh, I've no intention
of getting away with it.
463
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,520
Tea?
464
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:26,417
Oh...
465
00:23:26,441 --> 00:23:27,800
Ah!
466
00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:31,336
I think you should
turn yourself in.
467
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:32,736
Oh, I agree. You do?
468
00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:34,400
Oh, yes. Bourbon?
469
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,936
Yeah.
470
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,896
I mean, I could put a pretty
strong argument together
471
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:42,616
for why I cracked,
472
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:45,576
but, no, that's
not my intention.
473
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:48,536
I committed an awful crime,
474
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:50,936
and I must pay the price.
475
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:53,536
Fine. So what's with
all the packing, then?
476
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:57,656
Are they having pool
parties in prison now? Well
477
00:23:57,680 --> 00:24:00,776
since he died, I feel amazing.
478
00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:02,816
I see beauty everywhere.
479
00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:04,616
I feel reborn.
480
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,936
So, no, I must go to prison,
481
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,216
I know I must,
but before that...
482
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,336
Well, I had wanted to go there.
483
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:14,016
To go where?
484
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,320
Dolomites!
485
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,416
I wanted to breathe in that air
486
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:21,016
and swim in those waters,
487
00:24:21,040 --> 00:24:25,256
and feel for once, just
once, I wanted to feel alive.
488
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:29,576
In the moment - no past,
no future, just alive.
489
00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:33,656
Just two weeks of pure freedom.
490
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,136
Cold gelato. Dry white wine.
491
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:41,576
Eating lemons
directly off the tree.
492
00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:43,736
Oh... yes.
493
00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:45,360
That does sound good.
494
00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,456
Apart from the bit
about eating lemons.
495
00:24:49,480 --> 00:24:51,336
Come with me. What?!
496
00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:53,016
Come with me. Oh, you're...
497
00:24:53,040 --> 00:24:54,536
Crazy. Yeah. I know.
498
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,416
Why would you want
me to come with you?
499
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:58,856
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
You're not my type.
500
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:00,816
Your life is going nowhere.
501
00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:03,176
You're a single 50-year-old
man, no children,
502
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:05,296
with a job you
tolerate, at best.
503
00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:07,176
I'm very good at my job!
504
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,296
I'm actually seeing a
tattooed milf, so...
505
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:11,696
Oh...
506
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:13,056
Oh, God.
507
00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:17,056
Tell me one thing you've got
to look forward to. Just one.
508
00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:19,256
Me and the lads are going
to see Slack Sabbath.
509
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:22,376
Black Sabbath? No,
they're like them, but
510
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:25,016
they're fat.
511
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:26,656
Live.
512
00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:28,640
Live for once.
513
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,016
All right.
514
00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,376
I will. Sod it.
515
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:35,456
Really? Yeah. Why not?
516
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:36,976
The tattooed milf'll keep.
517
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:38,856
Oh, my God!
518
00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:42,056
Oh, my God. Erm... I'll just
get the rest of my things.
519
00:25:42,080 --> 00:25:43,416
You'll need some clothes.
520
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,376
Shall I, uh, drop you
off at your place?
521
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,056
We'll take my van. They won't
have put a port check on that yet.
522
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:50,680
Good thinking. I hope
you like vino bianco!
523
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:53,376
I'm more of a beer man.
524
00:25:53,400 --> 00:25:55,720
But those Continental
lagers are delicious!
525
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:05,336
I'm ready!
526
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,536
I hope we find somewhere
where we can dance.
527
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:09,296
I'm sure we will.
528
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,056
I bought this for myself.
529
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:12,560
I never even showed it to him.
530
00:26:13,800 --> 00:26:15,096
It's lovely.
531
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:16,816
Wait till you see when it's on.
532
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,856
It's lame, so it
catches the light.
533
00:26:18,880 --> 00:26:22,056
Fancy. Hm. Isn't it?
534
00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:23,416
Listen, we've got to get going.
535
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:26,376
The sooner we're on the
road, the safer it is. Yeah.
536
00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:28,776
Sheila, by the way.
537
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,440
Eh? My name.
538
00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:42,640
♪ It had to be you...
539
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,416
Stop! Get down!
540
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,760
Get down!
541
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:57,656
♪ I wandered around
542
00:26:57,680 --> 00:27:01,616
♪ And I finally found
543
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:04,840
♪ The somebody who
544
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:12,760
♪ Could make me be true
545
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,840
♪ And could make me be blue
546
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:25,360
♪ And even be glad
547
00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,040
♪ Just to be sad
548
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:34,480
♪ Thinking of you
549
00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:40,640
♪ Some others I've seen
550
00:27:43,440 --> 00:27:47,800
♪ Might never be mean
551
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,216
♪ Might never be cross
552
00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,096
♪ Or try to be boss
553
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,480
♪ But they wouldn't do... ♪
38747
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