All language subtitles for Last of the Summer Wine s14e10 Stop That Castle.eng

Oh, it brings back old memories
seeing someone down a hole like this.

I practically lived down
a hole during the Burma Campaign. Right under the noses of the Japs.

I was quite a master of concealment.

'The Shadow', they used to call me.

There were posters up
all over Burma. "Wanted - Dead or Alive - The Shadow."

The natives, you know,
they thought I was magic.

"Him - this fella -
disappear in darkness."

They used to soothe their children
with stories about me.

"Him - Shadow -

"he make darkness safe
for little people."

They're only little fellows
themselves, you know.

Now, you'll find this
very interesting...

I was just getting
to the best bits.

Howard? What are you doing,
coming through the letterbox?

I was just trying to push your newspaper
so I could peer through your letterbox, Cleggy.

You're in the very forefront
of a new idea, Howard.

Peep through a letterbox
and save a stamp. I was just checking to see if you were in.

Why didn't you knock?

I didn't want Pearl to hear.

Oh, it's one of those visits,
is it, Howard?

You haven't heard the best bits.

I was just coming
to the best bits.

Are you there?
I say, are you there?

It's a shame to miss the best bits.

Are you there? I'm here, I'm here.

How do, Eli? That's terrific.
How did you throw your voice like that? Like what?

Don't be modest, love.
You're a very talented lady.

Hey up, what's tha doin'
down there?

Having a private conversation.
Do you mind?

With a manhole cover?

Somebody under it,
with whom I was sharing my war experiences. Ah...

No wonder he went underground.

Never mind me. Have you been
practising your singing?

I have. I've been giving it
the full umpity in me pantry. Why the pantry? For the acoustics.

Me and Placido,
we always rehearse in the pantry.

I was goin' great
till I broke this jar of pickles.

You broke a jar of pickles
with YOUR voice? In a way.

When I started to sing, me ferrets
ran for cover and one knocked over a jar of pickles.

Now I've got a ferret
that smells like a gherkin.

Well, that's an improvement
for a start.

So I thought I'd pop in
and volunteer.

What are you so nervous about,
Howard? You remind me very much of somebody who is up to no good.

Nervous? No, I'm not nervous.

You're registering at least eight
on the Up-to-no-good scale and chewing your handkerchief.

I don't know why you should think
I'm nervous.

A chap comes next door
to volunteer.

Volunteer for what?
For Foggy's charity service. Oh, that.

It's a good cause.
Choir singing for charity. YOU volunteered.

I'm not a volunteer, Howard.
I'm a conscript. You know Foggy. Well, I thought I'd volunteer.

I wish you could take my place.
I'm going to feel ridiculous in costume.

It's nice to be in costume, dressed
as characters from fairy tales.

Don't remind me, Howard.
I'm trying hard to forget it.

I thought...
I might come along as a sheep.

A sheep? What sort of character
is that from a fairy tale?

Well, I thought if I sort of
came along with Miss Bo-Peep.

Oh. You and Little Miss Bo-Peep,
eh, Howard?

Now I wonder
who that's going to be?

Of course, I've no idea.
It could be any lady who volunteers to sing for charity.

Mm.

Chew your handkerchief, Howard.

Howard's coming as a sheep.

A sheep? I told them
characters from fairy tales.

Didn't I tell them
in a firm, corporal-like manner?

Perhaps they've heard too many
fairy tales from thee afore. No talking in the ranks.

Now, what's this about Howard?
He's coming with Bo-Peep.

Here, what's Nora Batty going as?
I dunno. We're not talking.

I left her a note this morning.

But I ought to know.
I want a nice blend of characters.

Talking of characters,
why are we going to Auntie Wainwright's?

She has something I want to hire.

Come along then, men.

I'll do all the talking.
But who'll do all the buying? It's ME, every time.

Just ignore her. I tried that.
I still finished up with half a tea-set. See, it works.

Tha didn't buy
the WHOLE tea-set.

It's just a shop. It's not as if
you won't get out again.

DOOR SLAMS

Now look what you've done.

Oh, stop panicking, man!

A lady living alone gets nervous.
CLICK

It's good to see people
in a buying mood.

If it's gifts you're after,
you've come to the right place. Wander freely.

Just remember that the policy
of the management is to shoot or prosecute shoplifters.

Happy shopping.
Don't shoot. I bought your half tea-set.

I hope you're not one of those
lunatics who wants his money back. No, he likes your half tea-set.

Oh, yes. Rather.
We all like your half tea-set.

Right. Now we've got that
out of the way.

It's him tha's got to deal with.

Well, I'm...I'm organising
this year's charity gala.

I was wondering if we could borrow
your inflatable children's castle.

Of course you can borrow it.

Thirty five pounds a day
and blowing up's extra. But it's for charity.

Oh, go on then. Thirty four.
But I don't deliver. Not at that price.

Don't tear it, man.
We can't afford to tear it.

Would it be easier
if it was blown up? We can't afford it blown up.

Wesley will blow it up.
I feel like blowin' it up meself.

Oh, stop moaning. It's for charity.
Moaning for charity. I bet that could become popular.

Listen, if we all pull together
and really put our backs into it...

Come on.

We're never gonna carry this.

All right. All right.
Leave it with me. I'll think of something.

And people think it's easy
being a leader and a charismatic figure.

He's got a lot of nerve
going in there again.

SLAM
There goes the shutter. She's got him now.

Well, we might as well get comfy.
He could be in there till his purse runs dry.

Can you drive it?
I can drive it, yeah.

Can you drive it dressed as Noddy?

Why would I be dressed as Noddy?

He never told you?
Never said a word. Welcome to Fairyland.

Hey up, Foggy,
tha's handling that like an expert.

He's adaptable for a trained killer.

All right, let's get the castle
on the pram.

The man's a genius.

It just needs a little planning,
you know. It'll make it easier.

How much was it, Foggy?
Come on, you can tell us. How much was the pram?

We're only borrowing it.
She let thee borrow it for nowt?

Not exactly nothing, no.
But I got a very, very favourable rate.

Double discount.

Let's get it up.

GRUNTING AND GROANING

There we are. That's better.

All that was needed
was a bit of military planning.

Looks like tha's just bought
a pram, Foggy.

The woman's very unreasonable.
I mean, what do I want with a pram?

That's a fair question.
You could've started something here, Foggy.

Really sporty, low-slung prams.
Just the thing for the GTi brigade.

What am I going to DO with it?
Thank God my native tribesmen in Burma can't see me now.

"What is this?" they'd say.
"'He-who-walks-with-danger' pushing a pram!"

Quite a few have walked
with danger and ended up pushing a pram.

What do you need
an inflatable castle for? It's for the charity singers.

We inflate the castle,
put it on the back of a trailer to make a setting for the singers.

Everyone in fairytale costumes
in a fairytale castle.

The only fairy round here is thee.

Someone round here
is about to be turned into a pumpkin.

Will it look alright on a trailer?

We'll soon find out. Blow it up.
You've got some compressed air.

Oh, aye. I've got compressed air.

HISSING

Is that kettle boiling yet?

You'll hear it when it does,
Mother. It'll waken the street.

Have you all got your costumes
ready, then? Why can't we just sing?

Like every other year -
badly, but decently dressed.

I think it'll be nice.
It's for charity.

It's for Foggy Dewhurst.
He's power mad.

That's true. He does love
complicating things. Men do.

Mine does.
Oh, yes.

You only have to watch a man
strugglin' to open a new pack of biscuits.

My Barry's quite nimble.
But then he works for a building society.

That'll do from you.
Mother!

They're all clumsy. If they can't
belt it with a hammer, they think it's needlework.

I blame the hormones.
They've obviously got more chemicals than they know what to do with.

I think mine's got the glimmering
of an idea what to do with his.

Is Howard handy in the house?
He might make a good standard lamp.

He's never still long enough.
They've all got some gypsy in them.

And let's not dwell on where.

I think it's the knees.
I'm relieved to hear that.

My Barry's very stable.
Mine's always sneaking out of the damn stable.

Well, Wesley might come off
terrible on your paintwork, but you usually know where he is.

We all know where me father is.

It still doesn't look
anything like a castle.

Not till it's fully blown up,
it won't.

We could blow it up a bit more
just to get the effect. HISSING

I think he's overdoin' it.
That's my impression.

Turn it off! I can't reach it
for this damn castle!

What is going on out there?

It's probably some do-it-yourselfer.
They never know when to stop, these do-it-yourselfers.

My Barry does-it-himself
and he knows when to stop.

NOISES GROW LOUDER

Sounds like my Howard's
nervous stomach.

It sounds too close for comfort
to me.

I haven't heard the likes
since the war. You should live with my Howard.

I'd sooner have another war.

We'd better go and have a look.

What is it?
It's an inflatable castle.

Just what you need
in your driveway. Where's Wesley's shed?

It were here a minute ago.

Never mind the shed.
Where's Wesley?

Tell our Wesley he can't leave
it there. Where is our Wesley?

What about me shed? Don't worry.
We'll tack it together again, won't we?

Come back! We've got to get
this to the church hall car-park.

Will you look at that!
Genuine medieval England.

Cute little England
perched on a hillside.

By heck! I shouldn't like the bill
for feedin' that every week.

That's the way.
Right, hold it steady.

Now, when Smiler gets the trailer
underneath the bridge, we drop it on it.

Wait for my signal.

Flying saucers.

What about them?

Have you ever seen
a flying saucer? No, I never have.

I've seen a few flying glasses
in the Mucky Duck.

I'd have to see it to believe
extra-terrestrial crap.

Not gonna happen, is it,
things dropping out of the sky?

Foggy, is tha goin' to help
the police with their enquiries?

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm glad you've come.
You feel such a fool bein' a good fairy on your own.

Oooeee! Oh!

You look lovely.

You look regal. No wonder
they daren't complain in here.

Mother! I wish you'd stop
closing me tail in the door.

I'm not used to you with a tail.

If Dick Whittington kept doing that,
it's no wonder the cat finished up as Lady Mayoress.

Ohh!

You've come as Little Bo-Peep.

It's a bit tight.
I feel more like Big Bo-Peep.

As long as you can sing in it.

What's this? The Wicked Witch?

Dress to match your mood, I say.

KNOCK AT DOOR
Door, Cleggy.

LOUDER KNOCK AT DOOR

Come in, whoever you are.

Norman Clegg that WAS.

In medieval times.

Who is it?

It's em...Snow White?

It's Snow White.

Snow White? Where's the dwarf?
He's gone dressed as a sheep.

Expecting to find me dressed
as Bo-Peep. I couldn't. That costume had already gone.

Who's wearing it? I don't know.

That's why I wondered if you boys
would warn Howard.

Norman! I think a bloke
should do all he can...

to help Snow White.

I would be ever so grateful.

I'm not getting involved.

I'm having enough trouble
with these tights. KNOCK AT DOOR

All right, you men.
Fall in outside.

Look at him. That's why
he got us dressed up. So he could drill us all day.

Once a military man,
always a military man. One, two, three...!

Attention!

On parade. Fall in.

Right, we'll start off
marching at the regulation pace - 120 to the minute.

Is that understood?
You at the back! Take that smile off your face.

Get that man's name, Corporal.
You two, fall in. Jump to it.

Right, ladies.
If I could just arrange you in your positions, please?

Someone move a little.
I can't see enough of Snow White. I soon could.

Right. Stand by.
NEI-EIGH

Watch what tha's doin'
with that thing. I'm used to handling arms.

I can't march in this gear.
Of course you can! I feel as if I'm in Weight Watchers.

He feels like a Big Lily -
like I do. CAN we get on with it?

Band... Atten-tion!

DRUM BEATING

BAND PLAYING LIVELY MARCH

HISSING

Wha...?

I've stalled.

Subtitles by Wilma Campbell
BBC - 1992

How was I to know SHE was Bo-Peep?

Nobody told me she was Bo-Peep.
Last person you'd expect to be Bo-Peep.

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