All language subtitles for Last Of The Summer Wine s27e03 Has Anyone Seen Barrys Midlife Crisis.eng

ALARM BLEEPS VERY LOUDLY

Shh! Shhh! Shhhh!

Not today.

No trips out today.

24-hour lockdown.

Upstairs. Second bedroom.

Get the paper scraped off the walls.

But it's really stuck on.

Then get REALLY stuck in.

CLEGG: I remember Wagstaffe -

didn't want to go to heaven if there
was no marmalade.

TRULY: No way was he going to live
forever

without a full English
breakfast.

BILLY: You have to suspect that
heaven's going to be big

on organic and plenty of fibre.

ALVIN: Wagstaffe was looking in the
wrong direction if he wanted toast.

DOOR CLOSES

"Today will be hard. Today will be
very hard."

Oh, harder than that.

Don't they feed you at home?

Food's always available,

it depends how long I can stop.

Why, what's your hurry?

Sat at the table with the wife
and her sister, it's a question of, "How long can you take the flak?"

It's a choice.
You either leave hungry or full,

but mentally scarred!

You've always been mentally scarred.

Everybody says so. Particularly
your wife and her sister.

Basically I'm misunderstood.

People don't know how to handle
a wild, untamed child of the forests

Who likes his butter.

I have to snatch a bite
whenever I can.

It's all right for some.

Free and single.

Ah, but look what we miss in
warmth and affection.

It's warm all right.

They give me a roasting
at least twice a week...

and that's extra.

It doesn't interfere
with the daily niggles.

Put your foot down. I did.

Trod on the cat.

Now I'm accused of being cruel.

I love that cat.

It's the only thing
I get to kiss goodnight.

Ah, she looks so sad.

I think there's an old sweetheart
somewhere she's pining for.

He went off to dig for gold in order
to keep her in wrinkled stockings with designer labels.

And if he's like the dozy rest
of you, I expect he got lost before he'd gone ten miles.

Lost? I've practically
got a built-in compass.

Just like a seagull,

and you've got the legs for it.

Why is today so
especially hard, Howard?

Because I'm scraping wallpaper,
and I hate the loss of freedom on a beautiful day.

Ah, but the forecast is rain.

But I love the rain.

I've always loved the rain.

Since just this minute
you've always loved the rain.

You have a tendency to
exaggerate, Howard. Look at Marina.

She's twice what
nature intended you for.

I'll go stir crazy.

You've got to get me out
for a break, Cleggy. I'VE got to get you out?

Well, not just you.

You can employ help, if you like.

What do you want, the SAS?

Have you got their number?

No, Pearl would go mad.

They're so heavy on
people's paintwork.

24 hours.

A full lockdown.

He's been there before.

He feels it's,
well, it's like a challenge.

We accept.

Oh, right then.

After a full and frank discussion.

No, he's right.
We do like a challenge.

It's not as if we're all so
busy doing something else.

I was going to iron a shirt.

Tha's right. We need a challenge.

Breakfast, Barry!

Again?

Another day, another breakfast.

Where do we find the
strength to carry on?

One egg or two?
Two. And I wouldn't mind some beans.

Why don't we just get a ladder?

Huh, you think Pearl's going
to be fooled by a ladder?

You think she's going to be
fooled by a plank and trestles?

TRULY LAUGHS
There.

That looks too low for
Howard to escape by.

Just leave it to Truly.

I don't trust planks.

I'm not going on a plank.

You won't be going on the plank.

You don't think I'd allow you to do
anything with an element of danger in it, do you?

That's thoughtful of you.

That's the way I am.

Billy's going on the plank.

He laughs at danger.

I laugh a lot louder with
both feet on the floor.

You're right. I'm fearless.

Everybody knows I'm fearless.
Well, I've told 'em.

Now! That's not too high.

All right, up you get. What?

Oh! Oh, come on.

Oh! Oooooh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, look!

I think Billy's doing
an old English dance he learned in the Greenwood.

I think I've p-p-picked up
a splinter.

Ooh! Next time I should try
picking it up with your fingers.

If it's where I think it is...

if he wants it removing,
he's on his own.

Have you ever tried a dating agency?

I did once. It was all computerised.

I think they sent me a virus.

But was he a GORGEOUS virus?

For gorgeous,
you can make allowances.

He wasn't gorgeous.

You've heard of the boy next door?

Oh, that's not bad.

The boy next door.

Unfortunately he looked
more like the door.

And you - you must have
made mistakes.

Oh, yes. Though not as
many as one would like.

OK to bring dog in?

Oh, Mr Entwistle, I shouldn't
really, but if it's not for long...

Come on, dog. Come on.

Nice and quiet.

Come on, this way.

Quick! Quick!

Dog, stay!

Dog highly trained.

DOG BARKING ON TAPE

I wonder if Robin Hood
knew what he was missing?

Instead of adventures
in the Greenwood,

he could have been standing on
a plank, filling in little holes.

You've missed one.

What are you,

a hole-filler's assistant?

The eyes and ears
of the hole-filling industry?

How long
am I supposed to be out here?

Until Pearl sees you.

Let her get a look at what
you're doing and she'll see it's all perfectly innocent.

Not to mention inefficient.

I'll clock him in a minute.

Billy, kindly leave me a few holes,
eh? It's more "me".

I can't abide
all this flash and modern.

Don't fuss. I think you've got
flash and modern well under control.

DOOR OPENS

They're here! What? Oh!

I didn't know that
Billy Hardcastle was practical.

Well, you'd never mistake him
for anything ornamental.

I wonder what he charges?

Do you think he'd be reasonable?

I've never seen any signs of it.

I could do with somebody
to look at my conservatory.

The last man who came was
a disaster.

He was nearly as slow
as if you'd married him.

I know what you mean.

How is your Travis?

He's sulking.

Because he's found out that I'd
been going out with Dennis Bradshaw.

You cheeky madam.

When was this?

When I was 16.

He soon catches on, your Travis.

It's only taken him what,
50 years to find out?

He was looking through
some old photos. I'd forgotten all about Dennis Bradshaw.

Oh, as exciting as that, was it?
Every bit.

So what's upsetting Travis?

I was smiling in the photo.

How long are you planning to stand
there, Barry?

Stand where? At the window. Oh!

Am I standing at the window?

What is it? What's on your mind?

Absolutely nothing.

It's blank. Zero.

Clean as a whistle.

Why do people say that? Say what?

Clean as a whistle.
They're always full of spit.

Do you mind!

Not in the house
after a full breakfast.

Little bubbles. Barry!

It has not escaped my notice
that life can be disappointing.

Talk to me.

Tell me what it is.

Don't laugh. I won't laugh.

I'm at the age, Glenda,
when men have their midlife crisis.

Oh, Barry! You've got another woman.

I haven't got another woman.

I don't want another woman.
I just want...

Don't laugh. I won't laugh. It
doesn't feel like a laughing matter.

What is it you're pining for, Barry?

I want a midlife crisis.

How come
I never get a midlife crisis?

Come on.

Down. That's it.

Is this the best you can do?

Oh, pardon us, I'm sure.

Were you expecting a chairlift?

Is he worth saving?

If I caught him whilst fishing...
I'd throw him back.

I'm not complaining.

Well, somebody is,
and it sounded like you.

It's just that there are certain
practical difficulties.

And she's downstairs.

So you'd better get a move on.

What am I supposed
to do with this plank?

Crawl down it. Slide down it.

Shimmy down it. Only do something.

Slide? It looks a bit rough.

Listen, if tha can tackle Marina...

Keep your voice down.

It's rumours like that
get people in trouble.

Get a move on, man.

You're wasting your
window of opportunity.

Look at it!

You'd never think he used
to be known as the Human Fly.

I was never known as the Human Fly.

And we can see why.

..which made Sir Isaac Newton wonder
why the apple fell on his head.

I could have told him that.
It was cos he was sitting under an apple tree.

You're right.

He missed that bit.

Nevertheless, it was 200 years
before Einstein started knocking holes in Newton's theories.

There's always somebody.

You're right again.
You're good at this stuff.

I like to take an
intelligent interest in things.

It's the only way.

Otherwise you just get
snowed under by the complexity of life as we know it.

I know what you mean.

They keep altering
the bus timetables.

There's that.

Do you ever think about infinity?

Not by bus.

I wouldn't fancy it.

Norman Clegg says
it goes on forever.

Infinity. Yeah.

Makes you wonder about the afterlife.

Especially when you notice
your big toenail's going rusty.

Rusty? Yeah. It's gone brown.

Looks like a small tortoise.

So you're wondering if
there is someplace where big toenails don't go rusty? Yeah.

And if it stretches forever, I hope
I won't still be pushing a handcart.

You know what the trouble is. The
world's in such a hurry these days.

We all have a duty to try
to slow life down a bit.

CAR TYRES SCREECH

METAL CLATTERS

Not to worry.

I think we just did.

Hold it steady.

It IS steady.

It's thee that's not steady.

He's not very photogenic
from this angle.

He's not very photogenic
from any angle.

Just remember...

I'm placing my life in your hands.

You've never had good judgment,
Howard.

I once had to judge the best
broad beans at a garden fete.

Hey-up!

Oh! Lift it!

There's not everybody knows
a good broad bean.

People can spend their
entire lives

and still find things to learn about
the broad bean.

Howard!

THUD!

But is there an afterlife?

Don't expect a policeman
to believe in paradise.

Some police do.

They must be working in an office
somewhere.

They're not out here
in bandit country.

Ask him what colour
his toenails are.

You ask him.

Do I paint my toenails?

Is that what you're asking?

What kind of a question
is that to ask a bobby?

This week it's Crimson Blush.

Or was that last week?

He doesn't mean paint.

His big toenail's gone brown.

And it comes to us all.

And when you see this thing changing
colour on the end of your foot, you realise it's got a mind of its own.

That's when you start thinking
seriously about the mysteries of life.

It isn't easy to believe
in the afterlife as a bobby.

The kind of people we meet, you
can't believe God would want them for a weekend, never mind eternity.

He's right.

If they came knocking,
a God with any sense'd be out.

Anyway, we're not supposed to
believe things without evidence.

What about the spirit world?

There was a bloke down our street
who used to see his dead dog.

That's it?

That's your evidence...

one dead dog?

Could be significant.

How did he know it was HIS dog?

It was wagging at him.

People know their own dogs. Yeah.

He threw it a crisp,
which it ignored.

So he knew then it
wasn't really alive.

You learn something every day.

They don't eat crisps
in the afterlife.

Maybe it was full.

Did he try and touch it?

A strange dog? Is that wise?

It weren't a strange dog.

If it was wagging when it was dead,
it was strange enough for me.

What is it that's troubling you,
Barry?

Well, it occurred to me that you'd be
the best man to know about midlife crisis.

What have you heard? Heard?

About my midlife crisis.

You've had one, you see.

Everybody's had one but ME.

How did you come
by this information?

Has my churchwarden been talking?

Not to me. I don't know him.

I don't wish to be uncharitable.

He's good with the fabric
of the building,

but I should warn you, he's not
entirely to be relied on as a witness.

Freshen your drink?
No. No, thank you, Vicar, I'm fine.

I was under a lot of pressure.
I suppose they've told you all the gory details.

I haven't heard a thing. I just
wanted your advice. My advice is, keep away from the churchwarden.

I'm fallible. I admit.

I'm a human being.

What do they expect?

What do you expect?

I expect I ought to be going.

Sit down!

You may as well hear the thing from
the horse's mouth.

What did he call his dog?

What dog? The dead one.

I don't think he called it anything.

You'd look a right muffin,
wouldn't you, calling a dead dog.

He was embarrassed seeing a dead dog.

I don't think he
even told his missus.

So how come he told you?

He used to borrow my reading glasses.

Maybe he felt obligated.

Who's going to tell Auntie?
ENGINE PURRS

Looks like you need lift.

Put stuff in back. Mind dog.

What dog?

I think you've lost a dog, mate.

No way. Never leaves. Faithful dog.
There's nothing in the back.

He does that. Hides.

Blends with background.

Mind the dog!

He's as bad as you are with his
dog story.

DOG BARKS ON TAPE

You can't just leave me
because you've failed once.

Who failed? It's thee who failed.

We gave thee every opportunity.

To break a leg.

The man goes fearlessly
off with Marina.

You'd think he could tackle a plank.
Is that where we went wrong, Howard?

We forgot to give
it false eyelashes?

Follow a false eyelash
anywhere, will Howard.

I never knew they were false.

Where exactly has tha
been looking, Howard?

The man's not looking
well at all at the moment.

I feel so - deserted.

Like an old building.

Makes you wonder
what's been nesting in him.

We'll be back, Howard. We're just
going off to plan the next move.

You're going for a drink,
aren't you?

You're going to enjoy yourselves.

We shall think of you, Howard.

We'll raise a glass
to absent friends.

If you got me out,
I wouldn't be an absent friend.

Oh, yes, you would.

You'd be off with Marina.

You're like a heat-seeking missile.

We'll be thinking of you, Howard. OK.

Right. That's the last time
you borrow my mouth organ.

And painting's the way a girl can
free herself from thoughts of romance?

Oh, yes. It lifts one
above that kind of thing.

And here I am painting,

and it's not working.

It takes a little time.

Do we have time?

We're almost past
the first flush of youth.

I admire your spirit.

I wish I could deceive
myself like that.

Me, too.

But you have to try.

You're right. Do you fancy a drink?

What a good idea.

At least you brought
this back in one piece.

Which is more than I can say
for this.

In all my life I've never
seen a more mangled, bent, twisted wreck

and for once I don't mean you.

I send you out with
a perfectly good handcart.

Perfectly good?

It's a bundle of firewood on wheels.
It is now.

Look at it.
Have you ever seen anything in a more pathetic condition?

It's a splintered, battered,
mangled, twisted shambles...

We need a new vehicle.

..which only needs a touch of
attention here and there to bring it back to showroom condition.

You must be joking.
It's totally past it.

When this was made, it was
a time of quality workmanship.

There's a lifetime's service
left in this hand-built example of the craftsman's skills.

Hey!

This should fit nicely
under Howard's bedroom window.

Tailor-made.

Might not be too expensive,
because Auntie seems to be

lying dead under the handcart.

Oh!

I hope it's nothing serious.

Is that Auntie underneath? It is.

I realise she wouldn't want
an expensive funeral, but surely she should ride on top.

What does your Barry miss
about missing his midlife crisis?

He's not sure. He just thinks
he's bound to be missing something.

They never had such things
in our time.

If they were feeling down, they
just had a tablespoonful of stuff that worked like a drain rod...

and they were light
on their feet again the next day.

Barry's sensitive.

He feels it's his right to
have a deep emotional experience.

Tell him you've scratched his car.

I don't think he's ready
for THAT deep.

Well, what is he ready for?

He knows people at work
who went through a period when life seemed totally empty.

He thinks they've started talking
about him because he's never felt life's totally empty.

I'm sure my husband never
felt life was totally empty.

I should think he didn't,
when he'd you in it.

I should think if
anything it felt over-full.

I'm sure Travis never
had a midlife crisis.

He'd have expected me
to have it for him.

Does he rely on you for everything?

You must be very close.

To screaming sometimes.

But then,

you remember that nature's made him
not like other men.

He's your husband.

Tell your Barry not to worry.

He's not alone.

My Howard's never
had a midlife crisis.

Really?

Absolutely.

He's not finished
with adolescence yet.

I think my neighbour's going funny.

He's started insulting my hats.

Well, yes, how funny can you get?

I bought one yesterday.

Something I rarely do
but I couldn't resist it.

It's upstairs.

I'll fetch it.

Fancy me buying a hat.

You don't think
it's a midlife crisis?

Howard!
BILLY WHISTLES

Howard!

He'll be fast asleep...

dreaming of Marina or broad beans.

I'll wake him up.

Alternatively he could have had a
heart attack on account of excessive

paper-scraping and be lying
there clinging to life by a thread.

That theory comes to you from one
of the strangest imaginations in the entire catchment area.

Just a gift.

We could be just in time to
give him the kiss of life.

We could be just in time to
give him the kiss of life.

I think I'd sooner
send him a get well card.

Wake up, you dozy beggar!

I'll wake you up, you dozy beggar!

It suits you better than me.
I must have been mad.

Where's your Howard? He's out.
I couldn't stand his long face one minute more,

so I threw him out.

I'll have to go, love,
Travis'll be fretting. Oh.

LOUD CRASH

I'm glad the vicar talked you out
of wanting a midlife crisis, Barry.

What did you learn from him?

I learned that vicars have
more fun than you think.

Talk to me, Howard.

What's going through that
thoughtful little head?

I've been meaning to ask you
something.

Yes? Yes?

Do you think you could ever learn

to become really fond
of broad beans?

BARKING

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