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1
00:00:01,364 --> 00:00:03,037
More lemonade, sir?
2
00:00:03,038 --> 00:00:04,805
Full disclosure,
it's a pitcher of water
3
00:00:04,806 --> 00:00:07,975
we can't get the lemon taste out of.
4
00:00:07,976 --> 00:00:09,776
Sir?
5
00:00:12,781 --> 00:00:15,082
Max, either this guy's
pretending to be dead
6
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:16,450
to get out of paying the check
7
00:00:16,451 --> 00:00:19,253
or Oleg's chili has killed again.
8
00:00:19,254 --> 00:00:21,121
This is my Earl mirror.
9
00:00:21,122 --> 00:00:23,557
I use it during naps to make
sure he's still breathing.
10
00:00:23,558 --> 00:00:25,858
And 80% of the time he is.
11
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,902
Han, there's a dead
body at table three,
12
00:00:34,903 --> 00:00:38,239
the saddest place to die
other than table two.
13
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,307
Oleg, get out here!
14
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:42,608
Someone's deader than Max's emotions.
15
00:00:44,678 --> 00:00:48,249
I really should throw away that chili.
16
00:00:48,250 --> 00:00:50,985
Let's prop him up outside
with a Salvation Army bucket.
17
00:00:50,986 --> 00:00:53,654
Whatever he collects,
we split in the morning.
18
00:00:53,655 --> 00:00:56,023
Uh, count me out.
19
00:00:56,024 --> 00:00:58,692
If they catch the five
of us with a dead body,
20
00:00:58,693 --> 00:01:02,096
you know they're gonna
blame the black guy.
21
00:01:02,097 --> 00:01:06,367
Okay, everyone grab a limb and lift.
22
00:01:09,337 --> 00:01:12,139
How's everything tasting?
23
00:01:15,944 --> 00:01:21,180
Subtitle sync and corrections by
awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.
24
00:01:24,745 --> 00:01:26,459
Max, you're not gonna believe it.
25
00:01:26,460 --> 00:01:28,628
Bobby's in the shower!
26
00:01:28,629 --> 00:01:32,399
That's how much he likes me,
he's using our shower.
27
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:35,835
He makes me so happy.
28
00:01:35,836 --> 00:01:39,272
Yeah, I heard.
29
00:01:39,273 --> 00:01:41,241
It sounded like someone
was trying to connect
30
00:01:41,242 --> 00:01:44,411
with a dial-up modem out here.
31
00:01:44,412 --> 00:01:45,979
Sorry.
32
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,514
That's just what I sound like
33
00:01:47,515 --> 00:01:50,483
when I go online.
34
00:01:50,484 --> 00:01:52,852
But really, he makes me
feel like that all the time.
35
00:01:52,853 --> 00:01:55,789
He's perfect. We're perfect.
36
00:01:55,790 --> 00:01:58,091
Caroline, you shouldn't
get too carried away.
37
00:01:58,092 --> 00:01:59,793
Nothing is perfect.
38
00:01:59,794 --> 00:02:02,595
Except that game I
pitched for the Yankees.
39
00:02:02,596 --> 00:02:04,697
Actually, it is perfect.
40
00:02:04,698 --> 00:02:06,433
We're amazing together,
41
00:02:06,434 --> 00:02:08,668
and I really don't want to
hear from Negative Nancy.
42
00:02:08,669 --> 00:02:11,504
What the... who's Negative Nancy?
43
00:02:11,505 --> 00:02:15,542
Everyone knows I go by
"Negative Juggs McGee."
44
00:02:15,543 --> 00:02:18,978
I'm just saying you don't
know him that well yet.
45
00:02:18,979 --> 00:02:21,648
I know what this is about,
and it's not me and Bobby.
46
00:02:21,649 --> 00:02:23,183
You're worried I'm gonna get hurt
47
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:25,047
because of what happened
between you and Randy.
48
00:02:25,048 --> 00:02:26,719
It's not about that.
49
00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,288
I just know guys,
50
00:02:28,289 --> 00:02:29,833
and you haven't been in a relationship
51
00:02:29,834 --> 00:02:32,725
since Ben was the best Affleck.
52
00:02:32,726 --> 00:02:34,194
Hey there.
53
00:02:34,195 --> 00:02:36,062
It's amazing,
I'm somehow less clean now
54
00:02:36,063 --> 00:02:38,531
than when I went in.
55
00:02:38,532 --> 00:02:40,166
I gotta get going, babe.
56
00:02:40,167 --> 00:02:41,701
I'll meet you at the dessert bar.
57
00:02:41,702 --> 00:02:43,565
We're having lunch with
his mom and his sister.
58
00:02:43,566 --> 00:02:45,171
I'm almost part of the family now.
59
00:02:45,172 --> 00:02:46,806
Well, if you were part of the family
60
00:02:46,807 --> 00:02:48,241
you'd be addicted to Diet Pepsi
61
00:02:48,242 --> 00:02:50,243
and get into mall
fights on Black Friday.
62
00:02:50,244 --> 00:02:52,645
Then I might be a cousin.
63
00:02:52,646 --> 00:02:54,380
Oh, you know what? I'll walk you out.
64
00:02:54,381 --> 00:02:56,049
If Homeless Larry tries to grab you,
65
00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:57,851
- I can fend him off.
- Yeah.
66
00:02:57,852 --> 00:03:00,252
Oh, careful, he's got
barbecue tongs now.
67
00:03:03,523 --> 00:03:06,326
Aww.
68
00:03:06,327 --> 00:03:07,827
Look at those two.
69
00:03:07,828 --> 00:03:12,332
That PDA is making me want
to M-A-S-T-U...
70
00:03:12,333 --> 00:03:14,501
Ah, I would stop you,
71
00:03:14,502 --> 00:03:17,237
but I doubt you know
what comes after U.
72
00:03:17,238 --> 00:03:20,238
Usually me.
73
00:03:22,909 --> 00:03:25,078
What do you guys want?
74
00:03:25,079 --> 00:03:28,615
Well, we're looking
for some entertainment.
75
00:03:28,616 --> 00:03:31,918
Oleg and I have
binge-watched everything.
76
00:03:31,919 --> 00:03:34,754
You know, we even watched
the Santa Clarita Diet.
77
00:03:34,755 --> 00:03:37,090
Now that's one diet
I'm not gonna stick to.
78
00:03:39,527 --> 00:03:42,595
Oh, Bobby must have
left his phone here.
79
00:03:42,596 --> 00:03:45,298
- Oh, crap.
- What's wrong?
80
00:03:45,299 --> 00:03:48,034
It's a text from Bobby's ex, Jessica.
81
00:03:48,035 --> 00:03:50,270
It says, "Call me about baby."
82
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:53,273
Do Bobby and Jessica have a baby?
83
00:03:53,274 --> 00:03:55,208
Are they going to have one?
84
00:03:55,209 --> 00:03:58,611
And why does Bobby have
a rose gold iPhone?
85
00:03:58,612 --> 00:04:03,116
Maybe he got it with
his yearly mammogram.
86
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:05,985
I knew this relationship
was too good to be true.
87
00:04:05,986 --> 00:04:08,488
Looks like I'm not Negative Nancy,
88
00:04:08,489 --> 00:04:11,925
more like Reality Check Rita.
89
00:04:11,926 --> 00:04:14,259
Then why the hell have I
been calling you Max?
90
00:04:16,829 --> 00:04:18,331
Oh, just a heads-up,
91
00:04:18,332 --> 00:04:19,966
Bobby's family is on its way over,
92
00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:22,335
so any X-rated
puppeteering you have to do,
93
00:04:22,336 --> 00:04:24,003
now is the time.
94
00:04:24,004 --> 00:04:27,974
Speaking of Bobby and people he knows,
95
00:04:27,975 --> 00:04:31,978
uh, does he still talk to
what's-her-name, Jessica?
96
00:04:31,979 --> 00:04:33,346
Pfft, no.
97
00:04:33,347 --> 00:04:35,348
She is long gone, like my bangs
98
00:04:35,349 --> 00:04:38,818
or democracy.
99
00:04:38,819 --> 00:04:40,420
Bobby never brings her up.
100
00:04:40,421 --> 00:04:42,322
We just talk about
our common interests,
101
00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:44,190
like how much we like my hair
102
00:04:44,191 --> 00:04:45,858
or how pretty I am.
103
00:04:45,859 --> 00:04:48,027
Yeah, but circling
back to other people,
104
00:04:48,028 --> 00:04:50,430
which is very hard with you,
105
00:04:50,431 --> 00:04:53,299
Jessica, do they talk? Text?
106
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,702
Share custody?
107
00:04:55,703 --> 00:04:57,704
Max, why are you asking about her?
108
00:04:57,705 --> 00:05:00,340
Jessica is his ex-girlfriend.
109
00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:02,844
All Bobby's ever said about her
is that she's a wedding planner
110
00:05:02,845 --> 00:05:04,444
and she's out of his life.
111
00:05:04,445 --> 00:05:06,012
I know that's hard for you to believe,
112
00:05:06,013 --> 00:05:07,981
like the moon landing.
113
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,382
Hey!
114
00:05:09,383 --> 00:05:11,017
You never see their faces.
115
00:05:11,018 --> 00:05:15,021
They brought back no cheese.
Just saying.
116
00:05:15,022 --> 00:05:17,290
- Now, please, just drop it.
- Fine-ah!
117
00:05:17,291 --> 00:05:19,157
Fine-ah.
118
00:05:20,526 --> 00:05:22,028
Oh, hi, Denise.
119
00:05:22,029 --> 00:05:23,796
Where's your mom and Bobby?
120
00:05:23,797 --> 00:05:25,465
Oh, we don't ride the subway together
121
00:05:25,466 --> 00:05:27,400
in case there's a crash.
122
00:05:27,401 --> 00:05:29,636
Somebody's gotta be
around for Black Friday.
123
00:05:29,637 --> 00:05:32,071
Well, now that Bobby's sister is here,
124
00:05:32,072 --> 00:05:34,173
I don't wanna mess up
your perfect brunch.
125
00:05:34,174 --> 00:05:36,242
I'm going to the diner,
where the only perfect thing
126
00:05:36,243 --> 00:05:39,479
is the owl-to-rat ratio.
127
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:41,514
So you own this place?
128
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:43,850
Man, I'd love to be my own boss.
129
00:05:43,851 --> 00:05:45,752
Mine treats me like garbage.
130
00:05:45,753 --> 00:05:48,655
If I want to get freaky with
the UPS guy on my break,
131
00:05:48,656 --> 00:05:51,090
that's my time.
132
00:05:51,091 --> 00:05:54,227
So what is it you do,
besides the UPS guy?
133
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:57,497
I work the counter at the
Mail Boxes and Other Things.
134
00:05:57,498 --> 00:06:00,400
It's like Mail Boxes Etc,
but we have other things.
135
00:06:00,401 --> 00:06:01,601
Oh.
136
00:06:01,602 --> 00:06:02,869
I know it sounds cool,
137
00:06:02,870 --> 00:06:04,837
but my boss is always on me.
138
00:06:04,838 --> 00:06:06,572
Well, maybe you should
talk to your boss.
139
00:06:06,573 --> 00:06:08,941
You know, tell him how you feel,
stand up for yourself.
140
00:06:08,942 --> 00:06:10,576
I'm not great with confrontation,
141
00:06:10,577 --> 00:06:13,413
partially because I had
bad depth perception.
142
00:06:13,414 --> 00:06:17,382
Like, I have no idea how
far away you are right now.
143
00:06:20,586 --> 00:06:22,955
I'm right here.
144
00:06:22,956 --> 00:06:24,990
On second base.
145
00:06:27,293 --> 00:06:29,629
Well, I think you're great,
146
00:06:29,630 --> 00:06:32,899
and not inappropriate at all.
147
00:06:32,900 --> 00:06:35,500
And if your boss can't see that,
well, maybe you should quit.
148
00:06:37,904 --> 00:06:40,540
So the gentleman who looked
like Abraham Lincoln,
149
00:06:40,541 --> 00:06:44,243
was that a hipster or an Orthodox Jew?
150
00:06:44,244 --> 00:06:47,145
Either way, I don't understand
why you gave him a dollar.
151
00:06:49,949 --> 00:06:51,983
Mom, I quit!
152
00:06:54,587 --> 00:06:56,656
Wait, your mom is your boss?
153
00:06:56,657 --> 00:06:58,324
Is it the UPS man?
154
00:06:58,325 --> 00:07:01,561
He's your godfather. It's untoward.
155
00:07:01,562 --> 00:07:02,795
Where's this coming from?
156
00:07:02,796 --> 00:07:04,397
From my new best friend
157
00:07:04,398 --> 00:07:05,998
and women-in-business mentor,
158
00:07:05,999 --> 00:07:08,835
Caroline.
159
00:07:12,238 --> 00:07:15,341
You told my daughter
to quit working for me?
160
00:07:15,342 --> 00:07:18,077
I'm sure she meant
a different Caroline.
161
00:07:18,078 --> 00:07:19,679
I don't know.
162
00:07:19,680 --> 00:07:23,215
Everything got blurry
after she touched my boobs.
163
00:07:26,839 --> 00:07:29,642
Han, I'm about to say
what you said to me
164
00:07:29,643 --> 00:07:31,644
when you were trying to get
into an R-rated movie.
165
00:07:31,645 --> 00:07:33,746
I need your help.
166
00:07:33,747 --> 00:07:37,516
I told you three times,
I don't fit up drain pipes.
167
00:07:37,517 --> 00:07:40,152
Listen, I just saw this
text on Bobby's phone
168
00:07:40,153 --> 00:07:41,921
from his ex-girlfriend, Jessica.
169
00:07:41,922 --> 00:07:44,490
I think they might have
a secret baby together.
170
00:07:44,491 --> 00:07:47,693
Wow, that would really
devastate Caroline.
171
00:07:47,694 --> 00:07:52,598
More importantly, Bobby and
I are rose gold buddies.
172
00:07:52,599 --> 00:07:55,101
I just have to make sure
before I say anything
173
00:07:55,102 --> 00:07:56,402
to panic Caroline.
174
00:07:56,403 --> 00:07:58,004
I need to do some detective work,
175
00:07:58,005 --> 00:07:59,372
so you and I are gonna go down
176
00:07:59,373 --> 00:08:00,916
to Jessica's wedding planning business
177
00:08:00,917 --> 00:08:02,122
and pretend we're a couple.
178
00:08:02,123 --> 00:08:04,677
Obviously I'll be the groom.
179
00:08:04,678 --> 00:08:06,512
Max, this might come
as a surprise to you,
180
00:08:06,513 --> 00:08:08,214
but I'm a very busy man.
181
00:08:08,215 --> 00:08:10,549
I don't have time for your
sophomoric high jinks.
182
00:08:10,550 --> 00:08:13,119
Uh, that's what they
said to Adam Sandler,
183
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,954
and it only made him richer.
184
00:08:14,955 --> 00:08:17,523
I'm flattered I was your first choice.
185
00:08:17,524 --> 00:08:20,459
Man, she asked me five people ago.
186
00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:22,561
I think she was down to you or a broom,
187
00:08:22,562 --> 00:08:26,032
and the broom was busy.
188
00:08:26,033 --> 00:08:29,602
If I'm doing this, we have to
use our best acting skills,
189
00:08:29,603 --> 00:08:32,938
'cause who's gonna
believe you landed me?
190
00:08:32,939 --> 00:08:36,741
Ugh, really wish Steve the Broom
didn't have Pilates at 4:00.
191
00:08:39,278 --> 00:08:41,947
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Ferraro.
192
00:08:41,948 --> 00:08:43,949
I had no idea you were the awful boss
193
00:08:43,950 --> 00:08:46,786
that was making her life miserable.
194
00:08:46,787 --> 00:08:48,287
Bobby, why didn't you tell me
195
00:08:48,288 --> 00:08:50,389
your mom owns a Mail
Boxes and Other Things?
196
00:08:50,390 --> 00:08:53,325
I didn't want you to date me
for the unlimited bubble wrap.
197
00:08:53,326 --> 00:08:55,494
Denise can't cope out in the world.
198
00:08:55,495 --> 00:08:56,998
You know how many times she's touched
199
00:08:56,999 --> 00:08:58,230
our neighbor's electric fence.
200
00:08:58,231 --> 00:09:00,066
To be fair, they installed it
201
00:09:00,067 --> 00:09:02,301
to keep her from falling in their pool.
202
00:09:02,302 --> 00:09:04,570
Well, you did this.
You take care of it.
203
00:09:04,571 --> 00:09:06,105
She's your responsibility now.
204
00:09:06,106 --> 00:09:08,908
Bobby, bring home some deserts for me.
205
00:09:08,909 --> 00:09:11,444
From Dunkin'!
206
00:09:11,445 --> 00:09:13,412
Bobby, I am so sorry.
207
00:09:13,413 --> 00:09:15,734
I don't want our first fight
to be over a misunderstanding.
208
00:09:15,735 --> 00:09:17,402
I want it to be about
something important,
209
00:09:17,403 --> 00:09:19,852
like if you want a soul patch.
210
00:09:19,853 --> 00:09:21,487
We're not fighting.
211
00:09:21,488 --> 00:09:22,788
This is a bump.
212
00:09:22,789 --> 00:09:24,623
I think you're overreacting.
213
00:09:24,624 --> 00:09:25,858
Then why are you yelling?
214
00:09:25,859 --> 00:09:27,660
I'm not yelling.
215
00:09:27,661 --> 00:09:30,529
Man, what's with all the yelling?
216
00:09:30,530 --> 00:09:34,967
Oh, Oleg, let's see where this goes.
217
00:09:34,968 --> 00:09:38,504
It's already better than
everything on Amazon.
218
00:09:38,505 --> 00:09:41,507
Just with it was a little
bit more Game of Thrones-y.
219
00:09:41,508 --> 00:09:43,809
And by that,
I mean a little more topless.
220
00:09:43,810 --> 00:09:47,613
And by that I mean, oh, oh, Bobby.
221
00:09:47,614 --> 00:09:50,182
Caroline, we're not fighting.
222
00:09:50,183 --> 00:09:52,451
But please, don't get in the middle
223
00:09:52,452 --> 00:09:53,953
of my ma and Denise again.
224
00:09:53,954 --> 00:09:55,287
My aunt tried once.
225
00:09:55,288 --> 00:09:57,623
Now she's really
scared of ceiling fans.
226
00:09:57,624 --> 00:10:00,893
I gotta go.
I still can't find my phone.
227
00:10:00,894 --> 00:10:03,662
Oleg, this is our new show.
228
00:10:03,663 --> 00:10:07,199
Grab the popcorn from my purse.
229
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,336
You want cheddar cheese or kettle corn?
230
00:10:10,337 --> 00:10:12,437
You know I can hear you, right?
231
00:10:14,974 --> 00:10:17,009
Okay, this must be Jessica's office.
232
00:10:17,010 --> 00:10:19,512
Oh, here, better put
this on for the bit.
233
00:10:19,513 --> 00:10:21,413
This was smuggled out of North Korea
234
00:10:21,414 --> 00:10:25,017
by my great-grandfather
in his great backside.
235
00:10:25,018 --> 00:10:27,719
Oh, the classic tush cut.
236
00:10:29,155 --> 00:10:31,323
Now remember, we're detectives.
237
00:10:31,324 --> 00:10:34,292
We're like Cagney and the only
guy I could get to come with me.
238
00:10:35,761 --> 00:10:37,396
Hi.
239
00:10:37,397 --> 00:10:39,732
You must be Max and Han.
240
00:10:39,733 --> 00:10:41,700
I'm Jessica.
241
00:10:41,701 --> 00:10:43,369
Thanks so much for coming in.
242
00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:46,172
Oh, you guys are so super cute.
243
00:10:47,574 --> 00:10:51,277
How does our cuteness
compare to, say, a baby?
244
00:10:51,278 --> 00:10:53,212
Wow, you're thinking ahead.
245
00:10:53,213 --> 00:10:55,714
Or are you expecting a little one?
246
00:10:55,715 --> 00:10:59,251
Ha, I've already got a little one.
247
00:10:59,252 --> 00:11:01,187
What about you?
248
00:11:01,188 --> 00:11:03,556
Making fun of my size
is kind of our thing.
249
00:11:03,557 --> 00:11:05,990
Like, making sweet love.
250
00:11:11,030 --> 00:11:13,632
So I'm with child. Are you?
251
00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:15,701
Actually, I'm...
252
00:11:15,702 --> 00:11:17,036
So for the wedding,
253
00:11:17,037 --> 00:11:19,038
I was thinking of a nature theme.
254
00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:20,940
Something in the park,
whimsical of course,
255
00:11:20,941 --> 00:11:23,309
with lanterns and flowers, a big tent.
256
00:11:23,310 --> 00:11:25,144
Oh, oh, really?
257
00:11:25,145 --> 00:11:28,280
You want a big top, Pee-wee?
Jessica was talking.
258
00:11:28,281 --> 00:11:29,915
Sorry, dear.
259
00:11:29,916 --> 00:11:32,885
The old ball and chain
hates when I get a word in.
260
00:11:32,886 --> 00:11:36,388
Sign me up for a lifetime.
261
00:11:36,389 --> 00:11:38,390
Sorry, uh, I missed
what you were saying
262
00:11:38,391 --> 00:11:40,059
about having a baby.
263
00:11:40,060 --> 00:11:41,961
We're not here to talk about me.
264
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:44,129
Let's talk about you and your affair.
265
00:11:44,130 --> 00:11:47,632
Oh, I'm definitely gonna have one.
266
00:11:52,104 --> 00:11:54,006
Thanks for texting, Caroline.
267
00:11:54,007 --> 00:11:57,109
I've been a little lost since you
made me quit my job with Ma.
268
00:11:57,110 --> 00:11:59,845
Mostly 'cause I
couldn't find the L train.
269
00:11:59,846 --> 00:12:02,848
But I saw a guy kill a chicken.
270
00:12:02,849 --> 00:12:04,984
I thought you and I could get together
271
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,986
and figure out your next career move,
272
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:11,156
which does not necessarily
need to be forward.
273
00:12:11,157 --> 00:12:13,092
No, I'm not going back to my ma's store
274
00:12:13,093 --> 00:12:15,094
no matter how much I
miss hiding in boxes
275
00:12:15,095 --> 00:12:16,996
and scaring people.
276
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:20,699
Well, let's brainstorm
on your next career move.
277
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:22,167
Hmm.
278
00:12:22,168 --> 00:12:25,104
I've always wanted to be a model.
279
00:12:25,105 --> 00:12:27,905
I've been told I look
great with my pants down.
280
00:12:31,043 --> 00:12:32,945
You are more than just a body.
281
00:12:32,946 --> 00:12:36,348
Hmm, sometimes I'm not so sure.
282
00:12:36,349 --> 00:12:38,217
Hey, what about working here?
283
00:12:38,218 --> 00:12:40,953
How hard can it be? You do it.
284
00:12:40,954 --> 00:12:42,554
Actually, this job requires a lot...
285
00:12:42,555 --> 00:12:43,989
You don't have to talk me into it.
286
00:12:43,990 --> 00:12:45,624
I'll do it.
287
00:12:45,625 --> 00:12:48,294
Give me the Frisbee
with the drinks on it.
288
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:51,497
Okay, I guess you could help
out until Max gets back.
289
00:12:51,498 --> 00:12:53,531
Or until someone gets hurt,
probably me.
290
00:12:56,035 --> 00:12:58,570
As magic hour descends over the city,
291
00:12:58,571 --> 00:13:01,674
Max and I will retire
to the honeymoon suite
292
00:13:01,675 --> 00:13:05,644
where she carries me
over the threshold.
293
00:13:05,645 --> 00:13:08,914
Excited for what's to come.
294
00:13:08,915 --> 00:13:11,282
Well, it's not gonna be either of us.
295
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,522
So, uh, back to you, Jess.
296
00:13:16,523 --> 00:13:18,691
Ooh, the party favors
could be little compasses
297
00:13:18,692 --> 00:13:21,360
that lead you to your table.
298
00:13:21,361 --> 00:13:25,364
Or to a waiting escape boat.
299
00:13:25,365 --> 00:13:28,033
Are you sure you two
are right for each other?
300
00:13:28,034 --> 00:13:29,668
Are you kidding?
301
00:13:29,669 --> 00:13:33,072
I am obsessed with him.
302
00:13:33,073 --> 00:13:37,376
We're two people madly in love.
Right, Max?
303
00:13:37,377 --> 00:13:41,112
Bring those lips over here and...
304
00:13:43,849 --> 00:13:46,284
don't forget to invite
your tongue to the party.
305
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,757
Oh, I'm sure she can see we're in love
306
00:13:51,758 --> 00:13:55,127
without having to put
our mouths on each other.
307
00:13:55,128 --> 00:13:57,429
Please.
308
00:13:57,430 --> 00:13:59,531
She's shy. Once she starts,
309
00:13:59,532 --> 00:14:02,467
it's hard to put the
snake back in the can.
310
00:14:32,998 --> 00:14:35,366
Could you feel the heat
from where you are?
311
00:14:37,302 --> 00:14:40,072
Are you wearing lip gloss?
312
00:14:40,073 --> 00:14:42,441
Listen, I've been down
this road before.
313
00:14:42,442 --> 00:14:44,777
With a stroller?
314
00:14:44,778 --> 00:14:47,946
I'm just asking because
that's how I push him around.
315
00:14:47,947 --> 00:14:50,682
This wedding isn't making
it to the banquet hall.
316
00:14:50,683 --> 00:14:52,684
I don't even think it's
making it to the car.
317
00:14:52,685 --> 00:14:55,120
- You two should go.
- Ah.
318
00:14:55,121 --> 00:14:57,188
You're moody.
319
00:14:59,792 --> 00:15:02,795
Uh, are you pregnant?
320
00:15:02,796 --> 00:15:03,828
Meh?
321
00:15:09,533 --> 00:15:11,601
Are you sure you want the flantinis?
322
00:15:11,602 --> 00:15:14,037
Little tip, go buy
yourself a tub of Breyers
323
00:15:14,038 --> 00:15:16,672
and a bottle of vodka and
save yourself 30 bucks.
324
00:15:18,808 --> 00:15:20,977
Okay, let's go back over this.
325
00:15:20,978 --> 00:15:24,648
The job of a waitress is to get
people to buy things here.
326
00:15:24,649 --> 00:15:27,150
Also you're standing
on my feet right now.
327
00:15:27,151 --> 00:15:30,754
Are you sure?
Because I don't feel anything.
328
00:15:30,755 --> 00:15:33,490
Gosh, you know what?
Denise is my favorite character.
329
00:15:33,491 --> 00:15:36,359
I bet you she looks
like a million bucks
330
00:15:36,360 --> 00:15:38,528
with her pants down.
331
00:15:38,529 --> 00:15:40,397
You know who looks like 2 million bucks
332
00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:43,433
with her skirt around her ankles?
333
00:15:43,434 --> 00:15:45,268
How... how...
334
00:15:45,269 --> 00:15:48,103
How did I get so lucky?
335
00:15:51,508 --> 00:15:53,076
There she is,
336
00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:55,211
my big shot daughter who
doesn't need me anymore.
337
00:15:55,212 --> 00:15:58,982
And the woman who keeps
taking my babies from me.
338
00:15:58,983 --> 00:16:01,317
I'm getting a drink.
339
00:16:01,318 --> 00:16:04,788
Oh, great, now they're
all working here.
340
00:16:04,789 --> 00:16:06,723
Denise called my ma to
brag about her new job
341
00:16:06,724 --> 00:16:08,191
at your dessert bar.
342
00:16:08,192 --> 00:16:10,660
Bobby, I know you said
not to get involved,
343
00:16:10,661 --> 00:16:12,695
but I wanted to end our fight.
344
00:16:12,696 --> 00:16:15,899
Also, I think your sister
may have broken my pinky toe.
345
00:16:15,900 --> 00:16:17,053
Oh, that's my fault.
346
00:16:17,054 --> 00:16:19,536
I didn't teach you the stop
sign when she gets too close.
347
00:16:19,537 --> 00:16:22,572
Am I too close?
348
00:16:22,573 --> 00:16:26,142
FYI, Ma, it's going great here.
349
00:16:26,143 --> 00:16:28,078
Well, if things are going so great,
350
00:16:28,079 --> 00:16:29,746
why don't you get your own place
351
00:16:29,747 --> 00:16:31,770
and start toasting your own
waffles in the morning?
352
00:16:31,771 --> 00:16:33,983
Maybe I will.
353
00:16:33,984 --> 00:16:35,785
Maybe I'll move in with Caroline,
354
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:38,488
and she can teach me how
to use her toaster oven.
355
00:16:38,489 --> 00:16:41,591
We actually have a pretty small place,
356
00:16:41,592 --> 00:16:43,426
and our toaster oven is being used
357
00:16:43,427 --> 00:16:46,930
as a tanning bed for mice.
358
00:16:46,931 --> 00:16:49,232
Oleg texted me this show was good.
359
00:16:49,233 --> 00:16:51,334
I just finished The Walking Dead.
360
00:16:51,335 --> 00:16:54,971
It hit a little too close to home.
361
00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,539
Yeah, have a seat.
362
00:16:56,540 --> 00:16:58,842
The crazy mom just showed up.
363
00:16:58,843 --> 00:17:02,178
And the hot sister is yelling at her.
364
00:17:02,179 --> 00:17:04,013
Caroline!
365
00:17:04,014 --> 00:17:07,984
I'm not being negative,
but Bobby's a dirtbag.
366
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,453
I'm 100% sure he has, had,
367
00:17:10,454 --> 00:17:14,124
or is going to have
a baby with Jessica.
368
00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:21,931
And I'm 100% sure I'm gonna
have a cold sore in the morning.
369
00:17:21,932 --> 00:17:23,867
Baby? What's going on?
370
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,702
Bobby, what is going on?
371
00:17:25,703 --> 00:17:29,772
This really is the golden age of TV.
372
00:17:29,773 --> 00:17:31,875
Max, what are you talking about?
373
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:34,377
I'm talking about the
text I saw on your phone
374
00:17:34,378 --> 00:17:36,980
from Jessica about your baby.
375
00:17:38,249 --> 00:17:39,916
What are you doing with my phone?
376
00:17:39,917 --> 00:17:41,951
Bobby, do you have a baby with Jessica?
377
00:17:41,952 --> 00:17:44,154
Bobby, you have a baby with Jessica?
378
00:17:44,155 --> 00:17:47,223
That takes the sting
out of losing Denise.
379
00:17:47,224 --> 00:17:49,492
A baby? I don't have a... oh.
380
00:17:49,493 --> 00:17:52,095
Oh, wait. I have a cat.
381
00:17:52,096 --> 00:17:54,764
A cat named Baby with Jessica.
382
00:17:54,765 --> 00:17:56,533
Ohh.
383
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,167
Ohhh.
384
00:18:00,503 --> 00:18:03,640
So what's happening around here?
385
00:18:03,641 --> 00:18:05,575
Why didn't you just ask me?
386
00:18:05,576 --> 00:18:08,411
Because I was
respecting your boundaries,
387
00:18:08,412 --> 00:18:11,346
which is why I stole your phone.
388
00:18:12,949 --> 00:18:14,250
Makes sense.
389
00:18:14,251 --> 00:18:15,685
Her friend here forced my daughter
390
00:18:15,686 --> 00:18:17,287
to abandon the family's business.
391
00:18:17,288 --> 00:18:18,988
Neither one of them
knows about boundaries.
392
00:18:18,989 --> 00:18:20,757
I'm throwing these small glasses away.
393
00:18:20,758 --> 00:18:22,759
They're stupid.
394
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,295
Well, I'm pretty upset myself.
395
00:18:25,296 --> 00:18:30,133
I wasted $20 on the domain
name MaxAndHansWedding.com.
396
00:18:30,134 --> 00:18:32,735
We're not really getting married!
397
00:18:32,736 --> 00:18:35,138
We only went to see Jessica to find out
398
00:18:35,139 --> 00:18:38,174
if she had a baby
with Bobby, you boobie.
399
00:18:38,175 --> 00:18:40,376
You went to see Jessica?
400
00:18:40,377 --> 00:18:42,640
Seems like everyone's in a
fight except for me and Bobby.
401
00:18:42,641 --> 00:18:45,014
Oh, no, we're fighting now.
402
00:18:45,015 --> 00:18:46,883
I saw that text on Bobby's phone,
403
00:18:46,884 --> 00:18:48,484
and I didn't want you getting hurt.
404
00:18:48,485 --> 00:18:50,086
The only person who got hurt was me.
405
00:18:50,087 --> 00:18:52,488
I kissed Han on the lips.
406
00:18:52,489 --> 00:18:55,024
Ohhh.
407
00:18:55,025 --> 00:18:58,394
Max, you stalked his
ex-girlfriend without me?
408
00:18:58,395 --> 00:19:00,830
Pretty shady move
by your friend, Caroline.
409
00:19:00,831 --> 00:19:03,499
We may want to think about
finding another roommate.
410
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:05,602
Okay, that's enough.
411
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:08,404
Denise, you need to go
back and work for Ma,
412
00:19:08,405 --> 00:19:10,106
and not only because
that's the only job
413
00:19:10,107 --> 00:19:11,574
you're capable of doing,
414
00:19:11,575 --> 00:19:13,643
but also 'cause Ma's lost without you.
415
00:19:13,644 --> 00:19:15,712
And, Max, you need to trust
416
00:19:15,713 --> 00:19:17,680
that I'm not like every other dirtbag.
417
00:19:17,681 --> 00:19:20,283
And, Caroline, when two
people love each other,
418
00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:22,719
they're gonna fight.
419
00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:25,521
Are the two people that
love each other us?
420
00:19:25,522 --> 00:19:28,258
Don't get bullied into anything, Bobby.
421
00:19:28,259 --> 00:19:31,494
Of course I'm talking about us.
422
00:19:31,495 --> 00:19:33,695
I love you, Caroline.
423
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:40,203
I love you, too.
424
00:19:40,204 --> 00:19:41,537
Great.
425
00:19:41,538 --> 00:19:43,406
Two white people falling in love.
426
00:19:43,407 --> 00:19:45,240
You don't ever see that on TV.
427
00:19:48,111 --> 00:19:51,047
You know what, Ma? This place is dumb.
428
00:19:51,048 --> 00:19:54,050
I'll come back and work at
Mail Boxes and Other Things.
429
00:19:54,051 --> 00:19:56,152
You know what?
430
00:19:56,153 --> 00:19:57,854
You're the other thing.
431
00:19:57,855 --> 00:19:59,688
Come here.
432
00:20:03,092 --> 00:20:06,863
Oleg, get the butt wipes out of my bag.
433
00:20:06,864 --> 00:20:08,965
This is a real tear-jerker.
434
00:20:08,966 --> 00:20:12,669
My second favorite kind of jerker.
435
00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,737
I should get going, too.
436
00:20:14,738 --> 00:20:16,639
I gotta check some text messages.
437
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:19,609
And why is my screensaver
a shirtless Vin Diesel?
438
00:20:19,610 --> 00:20:21,777
You're welcome.
439
00:20:25,348 --> 00:20:27,183
You know trust is hard for me.
440
00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:30,386
That's why I got kicked
out of Cirque du Soleil.
441
00:20:30,387 --> 00:20:34,424
You're the first person in my
life I can actually count on.
442
00:20:34,425 --> 00:20:37,225
Be so great if they made out right now.
443
00:20:38,961 --> 00:20:42,398
You were the first person
I could count on, too.
444
00:20:42,399 --> 00:20:44,966
I love you, Max.
445
00:20:47,904 --> 00:20:49,805
Okay, we're not there yet.
446
00:20:54,402 --> 00:21:01,593
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