All language subtitles for The Love Boat s09e07 When Worlds Collide.eng

[Theme - dionne Warwick, "the
love boat theme"]

Theme song: Love--
love's exciting and new.

Come aboard-- we're
expecting you.

When in love, love is
my sweetest reward.

Let it flow.

It flows back to you.

The love boat soon will
be making another run.

The love boat promising
something for everyone.

Set a course for adventure,
your mind on a new romance.

Yeah, love-- love--

love won't hurt anymore.

It's an open smile
on a friendly shore.

The love boat soon will
be making another run.

Welcome aboard-- it's love!

Welcome aboard-- it's love!

[Music playing]

At least now they
won't have Tyler Hamilton

to kick around anymore.

If I can't be head of surgery,
then at least I can be rich.

[Laughing]

Tyler-- I can't let you take
the money from the disabled

orphans children's fund.

And how do you think you're
going to stop me, Victoria?

[Click]

You don't have the guts
to pull that trigger.

You said it yourself
the other day in surgery--

no guts, no glory.

[Gunshot]

[Screaming]

[Music playing]

[Groaning]

Oh, don't-- don't go.

It's ok.

Everybody-- everybody.

You'll get plenty of "mercy
hospital" on the cruise,

because two of the stars
will be joining us.

All right!

And, in their honor,
we will be showing

"mercy hospital" every day.

[Cheering]

[Applause]

Oh.

Isn't my aunt Sylvia wonderful?

You know, she's
so nice in person

that it's hard to believe
her as a woman who

would marry for
money and then poison

her husband in his sleep.

Yeah.

Poison him in his sleep?

Mhm.

How do you do that?

She put strychnine
in his vaporizer.

[Sigh] And to think,
they cancelled "Star Trek."

Adam: Welcome aboard.

Andy singer-- I've read
all your fitness books.

Oh, you're the one.

[Laughing] Hi.

Welcome.

This is my wife, Valerie.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Who are you?

Oh, yeah.

Names would help.

I'm Adam bricker,
the ship's doctor.

And this is, uh, berle
Smith, the ship's purser.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Are you by any chance on
your way to the acapulco

ironman triathlon?

I've been doing it every
year since it started.

Ok, I give up--
what exactly is

the acapulco ironman triathlon?

Well, first of all, you
warm up with an invigorating

2.4-mile swim, and then
you take a picturesque

112-mile bike ride,
and then you sort

of ease into a 26-mile run.

And then you're finished.

And you do all this
without anybody chasing you?

[Laughing]

Amazing.

Thank you.

Enjoy your cruise.

Uh, excuse me, ladies--

how about a picture?

Of you?

Oh, yes.

[Chuckling] Uh, no, no.

I meant of the three of you.

Oh.

Oh, let's we'll take a picture
at the end of the cruise,

too-- they say you can
see the difference.

Ace: Ok.
Here we go.

Big smiles.

Come on.

Great.
Ok.

Enjoy yourselves.
- Thank you.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

That man's got an
obligation to reproduce.

This is it.

We're getting on
this ship girls,

but we'll be getting off women.

[Squealing]

[Screaming]

Aunt Sylvia--

Judy, dear!

How are you?

Isn't this wonderful?

Oh, I just love you all.

I will sign anything
you want later,

but right now I have to
talk to my new niece.

Judy, I want you to meet Roger.

(Shouting) Roger!

Oh.

Judy McCoy, Roger Garrett.

[Inaudible]

Judy: Mr. Garrett.

I just have to know--

did my aunt kill you?

Really, my dear, it would
take more than bullets

to kill Tyler Hamilton.

Can you get us out of here?

These people are
driving me crazy.

Oh, sure.

Sure.

Where's, uh, Betsy?

Well, I thought she
was right behind me.

Oh, will you, uh, take
me to the florist, please?

You see, my boutonniere
has passed away.

Oh.

[Inaudible]

Thank you.

Oh my goodness!

Betsy, I thought somebody
was going to help you!

Who, the luggage fairy?

I could have helped you.

Oh, I wouldn't want
the star to break a nail.

Stop that.

Six months on a soap opera
doesn't make me a star.

In that case--

[thuds]

--You carry it.

If that photographer is a
sample of the men on board,

this is going to be
a dream come true.

What if it takes the whole
cruise to find Mr. Right?

Denise, you are not
looking for Mr. Right.

You're looking for Mr. Hot.

Unless, of course, you
want to be the only virgin

at the university this fall?
- [Sigh]

We couldn't have
picked a more perfect

settin' for our first time.

I'm so glad it's not
gonna happen on a hay

ride or a drive-in movie.

Ooh!

Ooh!

So what do you think?

My mother picked it out for me.

For this?

Oh, no.

For my sweet sixteen
slumber party.

But I've always liked it.

Now look, girls-- we are
gonna have to be organized.

I've done up this little
sketch for the use of the room.

I've divided the day
into one-hour blocks.

Oh.

One hour blocks?

Does anybody want to
trade their evenin'

blocks for my mornin' blocks?

Why?

I brought candles.

So pull the shades, Rita.

Sherry: Look, no
trades, ok, you guys?

I used my dad's computer
to work this thing out.

But what if it takes
longer than an hour?

Oh, grow up, Denise.

That only happens in
Danielle Steele novels.

I just think it's so dear
of the producers of "mercy

hospital" to give us this
lovely trip during our hiatus

from the show.

You know why they paid for
us too is because of Roger--

he's the one with
the real power.

Oh, I know.

But he's such a friend anyway.

He told me that they were
trying to butter him up

because he's renegotiating
his contract.

Well, they better have
champagne in his suite,

or it'll cost them another
three grand a week.

[Giggling]

[Music playing]

Oh!

Betsy, isn't this wonderful?

They gave us great
big suites, too!

There must be some mistake.

[Music playing]

My.

This is very small.

[Horn blaring]

[Shouting]

[Theme music]

Look at these girls.

Oh, Sherry's the only
one that has a chance.

I haven't seen skin this good
that hasn't been airbrushed.

Granted, it's
stiff competition.

But it'll be good trainin'
for sorority rush.

Well, I've got first hour in
the cabin, and I see my target.

Great.
I got it.

Here, let me help you out.

Ah!

Oh.

Amy, I'm sorry.

Amy--

no thanks.

Aw.

Can we talk?

Uh-- yeah.

[Music playing]

Andy--

mhm?

I told you, I packed
your bicycle helmet,

your cycling shoes,
your running shoes.

They're all there.

Don't you trust me?
- Yeah, i-- I do.

I trust you.

Mm.

How about my goggles?

Andy, I'm beginning
to think all

you care about is this race.
- No!

Now, when we came
on this cruise,

you promised me you'd relax--

- i-- I am.
- --And be romantic--

I'm relaxed.

I'm-- I am really here.

Feel my pulse.

See, that's 52 beats a minute.

Mhm.

Mhm.

It should be 48.

No, that's when I'm resting.

We were kind of moving
around, weren't we?

Oh, yes.

It's called mating.

Mating-- you haven't
forgotten, have you?

- No.
- Mhm.

Thanks for reminding me.

My pleasure.

How about my socks my-- my--

my lucky socks.
Did you pack 'em?

[Sigh]

Andy: Oh!
I love you.

I really do.

[Giggling] These may end
up being my lucky socks.

[Music playing]

I'm not sure this
is such a good idea.

Well, sweetheart, you just
sit there and think about it.

I see what I've
been looking for.

If that's not a Latin lover,
there's no cattle in abilene.

Uh-- look, I
appreciate your offer.

I'm flattered.

It's very generous.

Uh-- but--

maybe I didn't
make myself clear.

[Chuckling] No-- no, no.

Uh, I understood-- you see,
I'm very familiar with the term

"whoopie."

It's just that I make it
my policy not to, uh, you

know, guh, whoop,
with girls I've only

known for 2 and 1/2 minutes.

Thanks a lot, buster.

I wasted a whole time
block because of you.

"To Shirley, the
elevator girl--

happy ups and downs."

Or, Betsy, should I say,
"good to the last drop, love,

Sylvia."

There you go.

Oh, isn't this exciting?

I've been on "mercy
hospital" for six months,

and already people recognize me.

[Laughing]

I guess if being known
is all you care about,

then you're a big success.

What do you mean?

I mean, there is a difference.

For instance, I'll be
remembered as the woman

who stopped the show
in "footlight follies."

And you'll be remembered
as the sleazeball who

went to bed with
the three interns

who were about to perform
brain surgery on your husband.

I never did that!

Did I?

Well, they didn't
show the scene,

but the interns
talked about it--

on last Thursday's
show, I think it was.

Don't you ever watch it?

Oh, I don't have time
to watch television.

I'm always busy memorizing
all those lines.

Nothing personal, but
I'm just happy that I still

have my professional integrity.

Oh.

Well, then-- you
know, I'm really

glad I didn't ask Roger to
get you that part in the show.

What part?

Oh, the show is
adding a new character.

I suppose I could use it as
a springboard to a good stage

role.

Hello, Sylvia.

You know, we've got to look
over next week's script.

I was thinking we could
get together in my cabin

before dinner and have a
little creative pow-wow.

Oh, thank you--

I do need all the
help I can get.

Yes, I know.

Well, 'til then.

Ta.

Ta!

What a nice man.

What a lech.

Betsy, why would you
even think such a thing?

If he was only interested
in your acting, honey,

he wouldn't have
sucked in his gut.

[Slurping]

Let me try a bloody
Mary, no alcohol.

Virgin.

Is it that obvious?

That's what you call a drink
that doesn't have any alcohol.

Oh, I knew that--

I have virgins all the time.

I've never seen such eyes.

They sparkle like
they're sapphires.

That's my tinted contacts.

And your skin--

it's like that of a
delicate porcelain doll.

Ram n, who's the se orita?

It's my girlfriend.

Ignore her-- she doesn't
speak any English.

Can she read body language?

It's ok.

We have an understanding.

Excuse me.

This is not the
way I pictured it.

You two go right on ahead
with your understanding.

[Speaking Spanish]

[Music playing]

Yeah, I've done
it all-- booze,

cigarettes, and junk food.

So what made you change?

Well, one night I was
carrying my son up to bed,

and he was just a month
old, and I got winded.

It scared the hell out of me.

The next day I put myself on
a diet and exercise program.

Been hooked on feeling good.

It changed my whole way of life.

That's terrific.

You know, I'll
be 40 next month.

I look younger now than
I did 10 years ago.

Andy, you said
you weren't going

to spend all day in the gym.

We're supposed to be having fun.

We will-- just as soon as
I do my 200 push-ups I will.

Well, it's a good thing
you're racing tomorrow--

give you a chance to rest.

[Music playing]

My, you keep yourself
in great shape.

Oh, yeah.

Pump iron every day.

Well, uh, if you want to work
out with a partner, I've got

an aerobics tape up in my cabin.

Mm.

It's an advanced
workout to bolero.

[Grunt]

Uh, maybe some other
time is better.

Bye.

Uh, excuse me--

[inaudible] Because--

[inaudible]

Thank you, [inaudible].

Oh.

Are you taking up a
new hobby, gopher?

No, sir.

I'm giving one up.

[Music playing]

Captain stubing:
Now wait a minute--

this character that Sylvia
plays on the soap opera

killed her husband by drugging
the doctor who was doing

her husband's brain surgery?

Right.

Yes, but her husband didn't
die-- he went into a coma.

No, no, no.

He didn't go into a coma,
because it wasn't her husband.

They thought it was because
of the plastic surgery.

Who had plastic surgery?

Nobody.

They just thought he did,
but as it turned out,

it was really the
husband's twin brother.

I wonder who is the
father of Jessica's baby?

Oh, wait.

One thing at a time!

The man who had
the plastic surgery

has got a twin brother who was
married to his former wife?

It was really
his adopted sister.

Oh, this is too much for me.

This whole thing sounds
too much like doc's life.

Doc didn't have
brain surgery, did he?

I'd be discreet, and it
would be our little secret.

That's really very
sweet, and I really

would like to help you out.

But like I told your
friend, I can't!

[Music playing]

Listen, I'm going to
be real honest with you--

I came over here to ask
you to make love with me.

Now-- now, I know that
sounds awfully brazen--

you probably wouldn't
respect a woman

who'd make that kind of offer.

Come to think of it,
neither would i--

which makes me wonder why i'm
even doing something like this.

Except for my friends
talked me into it.

So believe me when
I say, I don't

blame you for turning me down--

after all, those are
the kind of principles

that'll probably make you a
wonderful husband someday.

Good luck.

[Music playing]

Do you know her?

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

[Music playing]

Come in.

Oh, I must thank
you for helping me.

You're such a generous man.

Oh, but I have so
much more to give.

Oh.

Sylvia, you know the reason
I asked the production company

to send you along on this trip
was, well, I thought it would

give us a chance to get to
know one another better,

with the objective,
of course, of,

uh, bringing a sense of
reality to the roles we play.

Oh, I must apologize--

I haven't read the script.

Do we have a champagne
scene in the script?

[Sigh] Forget the script.

It's all on cue cards, anyway.

Dearest darling--

oh!

[Shout]

She was right!

You are, indeed, a
gut-sucking lech!

Roger: Sylvia!

You've got me all wrong.

I was just trying to
improvise a scene!

I happen to be a professional
actress, and I may be cheap,

but I have never been easy.

[Door slams]

[Music playing]

By the way, girls, you
can forget about the guys

with the blue name tags--

they're part of a
celibacy support group.

Shoot.

I'm gonna go to
the roulette table

and try and pick me a winner.

Bye.

Bye.

You know, Sherry, I'm tired
of all this chasing around.

Well, not me.

I just hope when the time comes,
I have enough energy left.

Well, I'm going to
change for dinner.

You're already dressed.

I can change if I
want to-- it's my hour.

Oh, I've been looking for you.

Please.

I have already been through
this with your friends.

You're all very sweet, really.

But if I start doing
this sort of thing,

I won't get any work done.

But I was just going to
ask you for an extra copy

of the boarding picture.

Oh.

I-- I'm terribly sorry.

I thought you were, um--

well, you know, hitting on me.

[Gasp] Oh, no!

No.

No, no, no.

Believe me, I don't do that
sort of thing very well.

I hope you're not offended.

Offended?

No.

No, I'm relieved.

Frankly, i-- I don't
feel too comfortable

being treated like prime beef.

[Laughing]

Have you, uh--

have you had dinner?

Why, no.

You know, it was a problem
for me even in kindergarten--

the prime beef thing.

Y-- y-- you don't understand.

I-- i-- I'm up $1,500.

I can't leave right now.

Well, if you start losing,
you can still get lucky in a336.

[Music playing]

Hey, gopher!

Valerie and doc are
going to join me

in the dining room for dinner.

Do you want to come?

On foot?

Don't tell me you're
that sore from one workout.

Hey-- one two-hour
workout, ok?

I think my legs are
getting ready to sue me

for cruel and
unusual punishment.

No pain, no gain.

Hm.

Cute.

Andy?

Are you ok?

Yeah, i'm--

[sigh] I'm fine, really.

I think I just, uh, came
down, uh, the stairs a little

fast, that's all.

Ok.

Of course, I never--

never really had a
normal home life.

Oh.

Parents divorced?

No.

I grew up on a yacht.

I had to wear rubber-soled
shoes until I was 18.

Oh, you poor thing.

[Laughing] Yeah.

[Laughter]

Oh!

[Applause]

Oh, my.

Just our way of
showing how happy

we are about your success.

Oh, thank you, captain.

Isn't that nice, Betsy?

Charming.

So, who is the father
of Jessica's baby?

Jessica's pregnant?

She never watches
her own show.

[Chuckling]

[Scoffing]

So how was your
rehearsal with Roger?

You were right-- he is a lech.

Did he try something?

Yes, and I told him i'd
never speak to him again.

Except, of course,
when we're working.

Aunt Sylvia,
would you and Betsy

dance with the mermaids
tomorrow night?

Oh, that would be fun!

They never let me dance
on "mercy hospital."

That would be fun,
wouldn't it, Betsy?

Oh, yes.

Fine.

- Oh, great!
- Great!

Good!

[Laughter]

When you dumped
Roger, was that

before or after you mentioned
my doing a part on the show?

I didn't have a chance.

But it's just as well--

I know you wouldn't be happy
doing a cheap soap opera.

No.

Of course not.

Ah.

Doctors do recommend six
to eight glasses of water,

don't you?

Yes.

But we usually mean spread
out over a whole day,

not just one meal.

Evening, everyone.

Hi.

Don't let me
interrupt anything--

just wanted to come over here
and see how Andy's doing.

Gave me a little bit
of a scare there, pal.

Oh, I'm doing fine, thanks.

How about you?

Oh, I'm fine.

Heck, uh, Mrs. Phillips
and I were just

discussing her hip replacement.

Well?

Not so fast!

Did you have another
fainting spell?

You've been having
fainting spells?

No.

Listen, my wife's just
a bit of a worrier.

It's the extra training--
sometimes it makes

me a little bit lightheaded.

Well, just to be
on the safe side,

why don't you drop down
to my office after dinner?

Doc, nothing is wrong with me.

Excuse me.

[Music playing]

Young man: [Laughing]
I can't get it undone.

I'm afraid it's stuck.

Sherry: What is the problem?

It-- it kept coming loose,
so I tied it in a knot.

D-- do you think I
could keep my shirt on?

Let me ask you a
personal question--

is this by any chance
your first time?

Oh!

[Laughing] First time?

You kidding?

[Laughing] Yeah.

I'm sorry.

This just isn't
going to work out.

I mean, one of us
should have some idea

how to do this thing right.

I-- it can't be that hard--

I know a lot of stupid people
who do this all the time.

No offense, but my parents
have spent a lot of money

on this cruise.

And I would just
rather have somebody

a little more experienced
than Ricky schroder.

Oh, well thanks a lot!

You know, I left a full pi a
colada to come down here!

I have reason to
suspect you have diabetes.

Diabetes?

Don't be ridiculous.

I-- I haven't felt
better in my whole life.

Andy, if you do
have diabetes, and it

continues to go untreated,
you could be putting

yourself in great danger.

Doc, I appreciate your
professional advice,

but as far as my body goes,
I happen to know what's best.

[Music playing]

I do hope you're not
mad at me for ruining

your chances to be in the show.

Of course not.

If I did "mercy hospital,"
I couldn't do summer stock.

I'd be stuck in New York
working all the time.

I'd be plagued by
fans in restaurants.

I'd be known as--

I'd be known.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're not mad.

Tomorrow we'll go
shopping in acapulco.

We'll have scads of fun.

We'll be beside ourselves--
our favorite position!

Fan mail, magazines,
calls for interviews.

Guest spots on "dynasty!"

Aw.

Lilith.

It's Betsy, but why should
anyone remember my name?

Lilith is a new character
on the show, as yet uncast.

You know, it just struck me
that you are my image of her.

Really?

My instincts are never wrong.

Would you care to join
me in a little champagne?

And then we can
discuss it further?

Well, it's late.

Good night.

But-- my watch
is a little fast.

Oh.

[Music playing]

Oh my goodness!

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Oh, uh-- excuse me.

I was looking for Sherry?

Oh.

She won't be back for--

two hours.

Two hours?

I don't have that much time.

Well, then--
why don't you come

on in, and we'll make the
most of the time you do have.

Should have taken
a cruise years ago.

There are glasses over
there on the dresser.

Can you pour the champagne?

I thought I'd slip into
this-- what do you think?

Ah.

I don't know-- i--

I can't really see it.

Oh.

Uh-- very-- very, very nice.

Rita: This is just
the way I pictured it.

You there.

Me here.

My favorite nighty.

Music.

[Music playing]

Candle light.

The rollin' of the ship.

I'll bet that you're
a very romantic man.

Hm.

Wish my wife felt the same way.

Your wife?

[Screaming]

I'll pay for the dress.

If you ever think I'd get
involved with a married man,

you just don't
know me very well.

I have standards!

[Blowing out candles]

[Music playing]

Oh!

[Panting]

[Inaudible]

How-- how much do I owe you?

For what you did?

At least $50.

Oh.

Here, take this.

But please don't let
my wife find out.

[Music playing]

[Knocking]

Ah.

This had better be
important, gopher.

The captain needs
his sleep-- he is

responsible for
lots of passengers,

and a great big boat.

Yes, sir.

I know that, sir.

But there is something
I think you should know.

Yes?

Those three-- ha--

college girls from Texas--

those girls are
turning this ship

into a house of prostitution!

Good evening.

Good evening.

[Music playing]

Judy (on loudspeaker): Good
morning, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to acapulco.

To help get you
started this morning,

our delicious breakfast buffet
will be ready on the starlight

deck as soon as we dock.

Andy?

I've been looking
all over for you!

I can't believe you're still
going through with this.

I thought we settled
this last night--

at least a dozen times.

Andy, please let doc
give you a blood test.

If anything ever
happened to you--

nothing is going
to happen to me.

Now, I don't want to discuss it.

Well, if that's the way
you feel, then you can

just go to the triathlon alone.

Ok.

Andy, wait--

I'll go with you.

I've never missed one
of your races yet.

I'm not about to start now.

And besides, who'll
carry your lucky socks?

[Music playing]

Captain stubing: Ladies, it has
been brought to my attention

that you have been--

shall we say-- approaching
men on board this ship.

Is that true?

Well, yes.

Is there a problem with that?

Well, I'll say there's
a problem with that!

Uh, we feel that our
gentlemen passengers

have enough amusements
on board the ship

without having to resort
to that kind of activity.

We didn't think
it was that unusual.

Young lady, it is more
than unusual, it is illegal!

You could be arrested!

I hope they're not
this strict at college.

You were planning on doing
this kind of thing at college?

Well, some.

What ever happened
to waiting on tables

or helping out at the library?

Believe us, captain-- this
is the first time we've ever

done anything like this.

Well, I hope this
will be your last.

[Music playing]

That certainly
destroys our plans.

Some romantic holiday.

That cruise brochure
was very misleading.

Well, I must
admit I'm relieved.

I sort of gave up
yesterday, anyway.

Well, not me.

I think the captain's bluffing.

But if you two want
to throw in the towel,

you lose your time blocks.

[Latin music]

[Music playing]

Roger: [Laughing] Oh,
Betsy, you are a scamp.

Oh, Roger, you say
the sweetest things.

Do you really think you can
get me that part of Lilith?

Well, you happen to be
sitting with the most powerful

man on daytime television.

Next to big bird.

Sylvia!

I hope you slept well.

I hope you slept.

Uh-- ex-- excuse
me, won't you?

I must arrange for a
limo to take us shopping.

What are you doing?

Just having breakfast
with a charming man.

He a lech-- you
said so yourself.

Oh, Sylvia.

Sylvia, I think you've
really misjudged Roger.

What makes you think
he's going to get you

that part on "mercy hospital?"

I did a great audition.

[Music playing]

[Gunshot]

I loaded that
pistol with blanks.

Then I'll call the police.

I'll give you half the money.

Sylvia (as Victoria): [Laughing]
Tyler, I've always loved you.

[Laughing]

Roger (as Tyler): I have
a private jet, lady.

My dear, you will love rio.

[Laughing]

Rio?

Why would Tyler go to rio?

He's wanted for murder there.

Ace: I want to talk to you.

Ace!

Don't call me ace.

Call me Mr. Chump.

I spent an entire
evening pouring out

my innermost thoughts
and feelings to you, then

I find out that you're a, uh--

well, there's just no easy
way to say it-- you're a,

uh-- you're a hooker.

What?

Where did you hear that?

From the captain and
gopher, that's who.

Aw.

[Laughing] Aw, that's funny.

[Laughing]

- You think that that's funny?
- That's a hoot.

Huh?
Real funny.

Aw, ace.

You don't understand.

We're-- virgins.

Oh, and that
makes it all right?

This is disgusting.

[Music playing]

Andy, you're
back awfully early.

Wow, you must have set some
record for finishing, huh?

Excuse me.
I've gotta take a shower.

Ok.

Well, now that's
what I call modesty.

He never finished
the triathlon--

he passed out right
after the swim.

[Dramatic music]

[Music playing]

Ace, I realized
what's been going on.

And I thought the captain
was acting kind of strange,

then after what you
said, I understood.

Look, ace, we're not hookers.

We're three college girls
that get a lot of flack

because we're inexperienced.

You're not professionals?

We're not even amateurs.

I guess I'm old-fashioned.

But I'd like to
fall in love first.

I'm really glad to hear that.

Well, come on--
let's take a walk,

and I'll tell you how this
whole stupid thing started.

All right.

See, I've got this
friend, Sherry--

mhm.

She's a real jerk.

[Knocking]

[Knocking]

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry if I
woke you from a nap,

but I've been thinking it over,
and, uh, I've reconsidered.

It might be kind of
interesting for two people

to share their
first time together.

Oh, hi.

Oh, it does sound kind of
poetic when you think about it.

Oh.

Beat it, kiddo.

[Door slams]

This is terrible.

Sylvia, I'm a rat.

This is awful!

I know, and it's all my fault.

Well, I don't see how
it could be your fault.

Well, that's sweet of you to
say so, but you were so right--

the minute we got in
that limo, Roger was

all over me like a cheap suit.

I saw myself in the rear
view mirror, and believe me,

it was not a pretty sight.

I realized how low I've stooped.

And the worst part
of it is I'm throwing

over my best friend for
a stupid little part

in a sleazy soap opera.

Not that I couldn't
have used the money,

but our friendship is
the important thing.

Have I hurt you terribly?

I'm going to die!

Well, there's no
need to lay it on.

Sit down.

Read this.

Look-- there.

Rance-- "did you
hear the dreadful news?

Tyler and Victoria both
got what they deserved.

Their plane crashed
over Argentina.

There were no survivors."

Jessica-- I guess
I can tell you now,

Roger was the father of
my ba--" oh, so he was

the father of Jessica's baby.

Betsy, you don't
seem to understand.

Roger demanded a bigger salary,
so they made his plane crash,

and I was on it.

Now we're both out of the show.

But what about Lilith?

She was the stewardess.

Well, I guess
that's show business.

We can always do dinner
theater together.

Wait a minute--

Roger hasn't read his script.

He doesn't know.

That show meant
everything to him.

When he finds out, it
will break his heart.

Aw.

Let me tell him.

[Music playing]

Sherry, have you seen
Denise at all today?

No.

From all those straw
donkeys on her bed,

I think she went
shopping in acapulco.

That's what we
should have done.

We should have done
a lot of things

different on this cruise.

Yeah, like go to
Fort Lauderdale.

Well, I know you can
fool around there.

Most be zoned differently.

[Sigh] Why don't
we just forget

the manhunt and enjoy the time
we have left on this cruise?

I guess you're right.

You want to be my
dance partner tonight?

Why not?

That's how we got through
junior high, isn't it?

[Music playing]

Good evening.

Hey, Andy.

Can I have a beer, please?

Oh, certainly.

Uh-- I really don't think
that's advisable, Andy--

not until the diabetes
is under control.

If you don't mind,
I'd like to have a beer.

Thank you.

All right.

May I ask you a question?

Do I have a choice?

Well, I was wondering what
the author of fitness books

would say to a guy like you?

Tough luck.

Doc: I think you'd better
reread your own book.

You spend about
300 pages talking

about self-discipline,
and how important

it is to overcome obstacles.

I guess you meant only
the easy ones, huh?

You don't understand--

doc: You're right,
I don't understand

how that man and the
one standing next to me

could be the same person.

Andy, having diabetes
does mean that you're

going to have to conform to
some rather strict changes

in your lifestyle.

But Andy, you've been doing
that for years, anyway.

That's who you are--

somebody who goes after a
challenge head-on, and wins.

[Music playing]

[Band playing]

What a beautiful
day we've had.

Yes.

I just wish I hadn't
asked that man to take

our picture in acapulco.

Oh, I'm sure when he
realizes it's your camera,

he'll bring it back.

Hi.

Valerie: Hi.

Oh!

What are these for?

Acting like a spoiled child.

Mm.

And this is for
acting like a big jerk.

And these are for various
miscellaneous personality

flaws.

[Laughing]

Valerie, I'm gonna
need your help.

You've always had it.

[Kiss]

And since we're on
the subject of gifts,

there's something
I want to give you.

Aw.

A new pair of lucky socks.

[Giggling]

Thank you.

[Music playing]

Hello, Roger, you
big, strong galoot.

I thought you were mad at me.

I thought you were
both mad at me.

Oh, we were.

But we made up with each other.

And now, we will
make up with you.

Yes.

Both of you?

Why not?

We're all consenting adults.

[Laughing] Cash me in.

Oh, no hurry.

I find it stimulating
to watch a man gamble.

The bigger the bet,
the bigger the man.

My favorite number is sex.

I mean six.

Six it is.

Ooh.

I feel a tingle already.

[Laughing]

Ooh!

That is an awful lot of money.

Not when you're
the highest paid

star on daytime television.

Oh!

That reminds me.

I took a look at that
script the producer

gave you before you left.

I guess all that money
you were asking the show

for was too much, so the plane
that you and Victoria were on

crashed.

No survivors.

We're out, Roger.

23 red, the winner.

Looks like you're
a loser, Roger.

Nighty-night, Roger.

Hope that cough gets better.

I enjoyed that so much!

It's fun to do
things together.

[Laughing]

Let's make a pact-- let's
never let men, or money--

or work.

--Or work come
between us again.

Agree.

I have one quarter left.

You pull.

[Grinding]

[Clicking]

[Jingling]

Sylvia: Are we good
together, or what?

[Music playing]

(Singing) We've always
been bosom buddies--

friends, sisters, and pals.

We've always been bosom buddies.

If life should reject you,
there's me to protect you.

(Singing) If I say that
your tongue is vicious--

(singing) If I
call you uncouth--

(singing) It's
simply that who else

but a bosom buddy will sit
down and tell you the truth?

[Music playing]

(Singing) They've always
been bosom buddies--

friends, and sisters, and pals.

Aren't they adorable?

[Laughing]

[Music playing]

(Singing) It's
simply that who else

but a bosom buddy will sit
down and tell you the truth?

Though now and again i'm
aware that my candid opinion may

sting--

though often my frank
observations might scorn--

I've been meaning to tell
you for years you should keep

your hair natural, like mine.

If I kept my hair natural
like yours, I'd be bald.

[Laughter]

I fell it's my
duty to tell you it's

time to adjust to your age.

You try to be peg o' my heart
when you're lady Macbeth.

Exactly how old are you, Betsy?

The truth!

How old do you think?

I'd say somewhere
between 40 and death.

[Laughter]

(Singing) But sweetie--

(singing) We've always
been bosom buddies--

friends, sisters, and pals.

Who else but a bosom buddy--

(singing) Would tell
you how rotten you are?

(Singing) Who else but a bosom
buddy would sit down and level,

and give you the devil, will
sit down and tell you the truth?

[Music playing]

[Applause]

[Music playing]

Denise, you were
out until 4:00 am.

Now, we're your best friends.

We deserve at least a hint.

All right.

I was not playing shuffleboard.

[Scoff]

Ladies, I promised you
some boarding pictures.

Hm.

Maybe during, uh, spring break
we can get together again.

I'd like that.

And I'd like to thank you
for a really special evening.

[Music playing]

[Sigh]

Bye-bye.

Actually, I'm glad
we didn't do it.

Why?

This way we can save
ourselves for a truly

meaningful occasion.

You mean like homecomin'?

Sherry, you have got to be
the shallowest person in Texas.

Come on.

So the way I
look at it, doc, is

having a body in perfect
physical condition

was getting sort
of boring, anyway.

Yes, I know.

I gave up perfection years ago.

[Chuckle]

Gopher, what are you
doing eating that junk?

Oh, this isn't for me.

I never touch the stuff.

Oh.

"With love and kisses in happy
little places, Sylvia Bennett."

That's my favorite picture.

[Chuckling]

There you go.

Thank you very much.

Oh, this is for Vicky.

Oh, then I shouldn't
have written your name!

Oh, that's ok--

she'll understand.

Aunt Sylvia, have you
told any of your fans

that you're not going to be
on "mercy hospital" anymore?

Of course not.

I figure I have about a week
left as a soap opera star,

and I'm not gonna waste it.

Well, in that case, let one
of your fans carry our luggage.

[Music playing]

[Theme music]

[CBS jingle]

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