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1
00:00:06,658 --> 00:00:08,051
I've been thinking...
2
00:00:08,095 --> 00:00:09,922
Ugh. No. Again?
No!
3
00:00:09,965 --> 00:00:12,403
Previously On "Kevin
Can Himself"...
4
00:00:14,839 --> 00:00:16,233
No!
5
00:00:16,277 --> 00:00:18,408
If I could start over,
and go somewhere else...
6
00:00:18,452 --> 00:00:19,931
Sam.
7
00:00:19,975 --> 00:00:21,213
So, what did I miss
the last 15 years?
8
00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:22,544
What's this?
9
00:00:22,586 --> 00:00:24,632
We're moving.
10
00:00:24,675 --> 00:00:26,765
Wake the hell up.
The account's empty.
11
00:00:26,809 --> 00:00:29,071
We decided we're staying.
12
00:00:29,115 --> 00:00:30,333
We did?
13
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,087
So, this is,
what? Seven days in a row?
14
00:00:44,131 --> 00:00:47,046
You're
sweet to notice.
15
00:00:47,090 --> 00:00:48,960
It's my new ritual.
16
00:00:49,005 --> 00:00:51,485
A scone, a book, and some peace.
17
00:00:51,529 --> 00:00:52,921
Are you new to town?
18
00:00:52,965 --> 00:00:54,923
No. Lived here all my life,
19
00:00:54,966 --> 00:00:57,795
but I just never had
any time for myself.
20
00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,798
But since my husband passed...
21
00:00:59,841 --> 00:01:02,365
Oh, I didn't realize.
22
00:01:02,409 --> 00:01:04,150
I'm a widow.
23
00:01:04,194 --> 00:01:06,108
How'd that happen?
24
00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:07,153
Oh, I killed him.
25
00:01:10,331 --> 00:01:11,593
Oh.
26
00:01:11,635 --> 00:01:13,115
Good for you, honey.
27
00:01:13,159 --> 00:01:15,379
It's gotta be tough
not getting caught.
28
00:01:15,423 --> 00:01:16,902
How'd you do it?
29
00:01:22,037 --> 00:01:25,475
I don't know how I did it.
30
00:01:35,834 --> 00:01:36,792
What the hell is happening?!
31
00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:39,141
It's Belichick Hoodie Day!
32
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:42,014
What?! It's
Belichick Hoodie Day!
33
00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,018
Oh, no.
34
00:01:46,061 --> 00:01:48,804
You okay, babe?
35
00:01:48,847 --> 00:01:50,501
Definitely concussed.
36
00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,807
And any other day,
that'd bother me.
37
00:01:52,850 --> 00:01:55,027
But not today!
38
00:01:55,070 --> 00:01:58,204
Don't you wanna ask me why?
39
00:01:58,247 --> 00:02:01,033
Wh... Because my genuine
Bill Belichick sweatshirt...
40
00:02:01,076 --> 00:02:03,165
Cut at the sleeves like a boss
41
00:02:03,209 --> 00:02:05,168
and worn to at least
two Pats games...
42
00:02:05,212 --> 00:02:07,388
Is arriving today!
43
00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:10,782
And, uh, how much you
pay for a torn hoodie?
44
00:02:10,825 --> 00:02:12,871
I cannot and will
not put a price
45
00:02:12,914 --> 00:02:16,004
on what the greatest coach
of all time means to me.
46
00:02:16,048 --> 00:02:19,835
Okay, well, what price did
the Internet put on it?
47
00:02:19,877 --> 00:02:23,752
More than our wedding,
less than our car.
48
00:02:23,795 --> 00:02:27,015
Oh! I was having
the nicest dream.
49
00:02:27,058 --> 00:02:28,973
Come on! You can sleep anytime!
50
00:02:29,018 --> 00:02:32,108
This is like Christmas morning!
51
00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:33,848
Okay, well, then,
where's my present?
52
00:02:33,891 --> 00:02:35,415
Your present?
53
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:39,027
Well, I'm the gift that
keeps on giving, baby!
54
00:02:39,070 --> 00:02:41,856
Belichick Hoodie Day!
55
00:03:06,010 --> 00:03:06,968
I killed him.
56
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:48,489
Hey.
57
00:03:48,531 --> 00:03:50,317
Hey.
58
00:03:52,971 --> 00:03:57,324
It's, uh... It's Bill
Belichick Hoodie Day.
59
00:03:57,366 --> 00:03:59,108
Oh, yes.
60
00:03:59,151 --> 00:04:00,848
But I celebrate privately.
61
00:04:05,506 --> 00:04:07,420
Well, have a good one.
62
00:04:19,127 --> 00:04:20,651
Hey, where's our breakfast?
63
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,697
You're not supposed
to have favorites.
64
00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:24,175
Kevin's my husband.
65
00:04:24,220 --> 00:04:26,569
Yeah, Neil, breakfast
is for family.
66
00:04:26,613 --> 00:04:28,658
See, Kevin's the husband,
I'm the father-in-law.
67
00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:29,810
Yeah, and I'm like a brother.
68
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:31,314
No, you're more like a cousin
69
00:04:31,358 --> 00:04:34,317
who just got out of
jail for stalking.
70
00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:36,971
And everyone's secretly
kind of hoping he goes back.
71
00:04:37,014 --> 00:04:39,191
How is Keith? Bad.
72
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:40,715
Hey, babe?
73
00:04:40,757 --> 00:04:42,040
Can you go see if my
package is here yet?
74
00:04:42,064 --> 00:04:43,238
Can't you do it?
75
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:46,372
I'm in the middle of something.
76
00:04:46,415 --> 00:04:49,593
Aw, man, I really
need this hoodie.
77
00:04:49,637 --> 00:04:51,682
The old self-esteem took
a real hit this week
78
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,555
when the camera on my
phone flipped to face me.
79
00:04:54,598 --> 00:04:56,207
So many chins.
80
00:04:56,252 --> 00:04:59,211
That's just baby fat, bro.
81
00:04:59,254 --> 00:05:01,475
Thanks, brother.
82
00:05:01,517 --> 00:05:05,216
Well, I checked,
and no package yet.
83
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,654
Ugh! This is taking forever!
84
00:05:07,697 --> 00:05:10,788
What sins did I commit in a
past life to deserve this?
85
00:05:10,831 --> 00:05:12,702
Past life?
86
00:05:12,747 --> 00:05:17,012
Hon, you know what happens
when you try to be funny.
87
00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:20,928
Kev, I think I hear a delivery
truck coming down the street.
88
00:05:20,971 --> 00:05:22,713
Now he can get up.
89
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,932
Aw, man, it's just an ambulance!
90
00:05:24,975 --> 00:05:26,629
On our street? Please
don't be for me.
91
00:05:26,673 --> 00:05:29,894
Please don't be for me.
92
00:05:29,937 --> 00:05:32,853
Hey, the new neighbors have
packages on their stoop.
93
00:05:32,896 --> 00:05:34,377
What gives?
94
00:05:34,420 --> 00:05:36,031
I saw her moving in,
and I am not a fan.
95
00:05:36,074 --> 00:05:37,946
Bad vibes there, bro.
96
00:05:37,988 --> 00:05:39,250
Ooh, bad neighbors.
97
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:42,254
What would that be like?
98
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:43,908
You trying to be funny again?
99
00:05:43,951 --> 00:05:45,822
No.
100
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,564
Good.
101
00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,391
And Neil's probably right.
102
00:05:51,307 --> 00:05:53,091
I went over there
to be neighborly.
103
00:05:53,134 --> 00:05:54,417
Uh-huh. You know,
make sure they know
104
00:05:54,441 --> 00:05:56,659
who's the alpha on the street.
105
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:59,706
Hope you also told
'em who's the beta.
106
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,031
And you know what they
said when I asked them
107
00:06:01,055 --> 00:06:03,057
what their favorite
football team was?
108
00:06:03,100 --> 00:06:04,276
Manchester United.
109
00:06:04,319 --> 00:06:05,755
Boo! Hiss!
110
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,454
Football is football.
I mean, really,
111
00:06:08,497 --> 00:06:10,194
is nothing sacred?
112
00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,485
Hi. I was hoping to do s...
113
00:07:22,528 --> 00:07:24,007
Hey, there's no eating in here.
114
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:26,141
This is a "liberry."
115
00:07:26,184 --> 00:07:27,838
Of course. Sorry.
116
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,449
Um...
117
00:07:34,365 --> 00:07:37,151
Um, you want a napkin?
118
00:07:37,194 --> 00:07:38,805
Oh, no, I'm fine.
119
00:07:38,848 --> 00:07:42,418
Um, I was hoping to do
some computer research.
120
00:07:42,461 --> 00:07:45,202
I'm writing a book. Mm.
121
00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:47,988
It's a romance novel, actually.
122
00:07:48,031 --> 00:07:50,992
It's about a woman who's sad.
123
00:07:51,034 --> 00:07:54,560
She's very sad, and she just
wasted the last 10 years
124
00:07:54,603 --> 00:07:57,564
of her life on this
terrible marriage.
125
00:07:57,606 --> 00:07:59,521
Very pathetic.
126
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,915
It's very depressing in
the beginning, but, um...
127
00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:05,572
But then, one day, she
realizes what she wants...
128
00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:07,747
Truly... and she has
this brilliant plan.
129
00:08:07,790 --> 00:08:10,446
She keeps playing
perfect housewife,
130
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,579
- but in the meantime.
- -Affair with her neighbor?
131
00:08:12,622 --> 00:08:13,579
What?
132
00:08:13,622 --> 00:08:15,798
No.
133
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:19,019
She decides to kill her husband.
134
00:08:19,062 --> 00:08:21,718
Why wouldn't she just leave?
135
00:08:21,762 --> 00:08:24,199
Leave?
136
00:08:24,242 --> 00:08:26,548
Like it's easy?
137
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,420
Like he'd just let her
take the $194 she has
138
00:08:29,464 --> 00:08:31,031
and buy a bus ticket to Jersey?
139
00:08:31,074 --> 00:08:32,423
What... No. What would she do?
140
00:08:32,467 --> 00:08:34,383
Sleep on the street?
141
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:35,775
No, he'd find her anyway.
142
00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:38,561
And maybe she doesn't
want to leave.
143
00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:39,972
Maybe this isn't
about leaving at all.
144
00:08:39,996 --> 00:08:43,610
Maybe she wants him
dead, and he deserves it.
145
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:46,700
How is that romantic?
146
00:08:46,743 --> 00:08:48,352
It's aspirational.
147
00:08:51,573 --> 00:08:54,316
Computers are in back.
148
00:08:54,359 --> 00:08:55,926
Thank you.
149
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:51,503
Hi. Excuse me?
150
00:09:51,547 --> 00:09:52,982
Sir?
151
00:09:53,027 --> 00:09:57,030
Um, sir?
152
00:09:57,073 --> 00:10:02,384
Hey, sorry, um, how did
you get past the, uh...
153
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,602
The firewall?
154
00:10:06,866 --> 00:10:08,912
Sorry, excuse me?
155
00:10:08,956 --> 00:10:09,870
Hey.
156
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:11,740
Oh!
157
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:16,441
Oh, shit.
158
00:10:16,485 --> 00:10:17,703
Uh...
159
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:29,323
You okay?
160
00:10:29,366 --> 00:10:31,760
Um... I don't know.
161
00:10:31,804 --> 00:10:34,328
I've never found a
dead body before,
162
00:10:34,371 --> 00:10:36,287
so I don't really know
if I did it right.
163
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,941
"Did it right"?
164
00:10:37,985 --> 00:10:39,615
Well, I just didn't
realize I'd be so rattled.
165
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,249
Better than being used to it.
166
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:43,076
By now, an OD is welcome.
167
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,514
At least oxys aren't a mess.
168
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:48,342
We got this call
once... 300-pound dude,
169
00:10:48,385 --> 00:10:50,495
dead in his fourth floor
walk-up for like five months.
170
00:10:50,519 --> 00:10:52,259
Wait, this guy overdosed?
171
00:10:52,302 --> 00:10:53,696
Yeah.
172
00:10:53,740 --> 00:10:56,177
But he was wearing
a Patagonia vest.
173
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,527
Okay? Well, he could
afford to shop at REI.
174
00:10:58,570 --> 00:11:00,181
He wasn't living on the street.
175
00:11:00,224 --> 00:11:03,096
Yeah, there's no type for
this sort of thing anymore.
176
00:11:03,139 --> 00:11:05,360
All kinds of people OD.
177
00:11:05,403 --> 00:11:06,708
Really?
178
00:11:06,753 --> 00:11:08,363
Sure.
179
00:11:08,405 --> 00:11:09,581
So
180
00:11:09,625 --> 00:11:11,801
Like, anyone c...
181
00:11:11,845 --> 00:11:17,153
Garbage men, cable
guys, could be on oxys?
182
00:11:17,197 --> 00:11:19,461
Yeah, grandmas, frat kids.
183
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:22,376
Three of my cousins.
184
00:11:22,419 --> 00:11:25,119
I don't remember the last time
I was shocked by an oxy OD.
185
00:11:25,162 --> 00:11:27,599
But that 300-pound dude
leaking through the ceiling?
186
00:11:27,643 --> 00:11:30,427
That was a surprise.
187
00:11:30,471 --> 00:11:32,168
Waitress: So, how'd you do it?
188
00:11:32,212 --> 00:11:35,129
I killed him with oxycodone
and made it look like an OD.
189
00:11:35,172 --> 00:11:36,607
Brilliant.
190
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,312
Hello, Allison.
191
00:11:45,355 --> 00:11:46,749
Hi, Dr. Gaetz.
192
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,056
Thank you for, uh,
seeing me so quickly.
193
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:51,754
Of course. Kev carried the
bowling team on Thursday.
194
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:53,755
I owe him one. Ah.
195
00:11:53,799 --> 00:11:55,995
So, uh, first up, we're gonna
get your height and weight,
196
00:11:56,019 --> 00:11:57,977
and then we'll...
Oh, do we have to?
197
00:11:58,020 --> 00:12:00,676
'Cause I'm just... I'm just
here with some back trouble.
198
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,677
Yep. Still need your
height and weight.
199
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:04,941
Come on. Take off my shoes.
200
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:06,551
It really doesn't matter.
201
00:12:12,296 --> 00:12:15,778
So, you're having
some back pain.
202
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:20,477
Yeah, um, lower back, mostly,
on the right-hand side.
203
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:24,264
I have to, uh, carry a lot of
boxes at the package store,
204
00:12:24,307 --> 00:12:26,832
and it think I must have just
kind of tweaked last week
205
00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:29,661
carrying a box of Olde
E onto the hand truck.
206
00:12:32,054 --> 00:12:34,076
I know I should wear a
brace, but I have a hard time
207
00:12:34,100 --> 00:12:36,190
admitting when I need help.
208
00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:45,851
My, uh... My Uncle Chu...
209
00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:49,028
Well, you know Chuck.
210
00:12:49,072 --> 00:12:51,466
Um, he has a slipped disc,
211
00:12:51,509 --> 00:12:53,860
and said that there's
some pills that, um,
212
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,600
seem to be really helping him.
213
00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:04,304
Allison. Mm-hmm?
214
00:13:04,347 --> 00:13:07,743
You know, pain medication,
215
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,397
it's not given out lightly.
216
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,791
Yeah, no, I... Yeah, and I...
217
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,313
I wouldn't expect that you...
218
00:13:13,356 --> 00:13:15,490
They're only given out
for people in real pain.
219
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:18,667
Of course.
220
00:13:18,710 --> 00:13:22,845
These types of pills
get abused very often.
221
00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:25,195
Yeah, I've heard.
222
00:13:25,239 --> 00:13:28,503
I've... I've heard
that is... It's awful.
223
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,463
Yeah. Ugh, yeah, yeah, right.
224
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,900
I am... I'm fine, and I don't
225
00:13:34,943 --> 00:13:36,859
want to get mixed up
in all... All that.
226
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:39,905
I haven't even tried
acupuncture yet, so...
227
00:13:39,948 --> 00:13:42,559
You talk to Kevin about this?
228
00:13:42,604 --> 00:13:44,953
Uh, about my back?
229
00:13:44,998 --> 00:13:47,086
I'm sure he'd want
to chat about it...
230
00:13:47,129 --> 00:13:50,133
Your..."pain."
231
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,918
I could call him with
you if you'd like...
232
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:53,571
No, no, no.
233
00:13:53,615 --> 00:13:55,746
I... I don't want to
bother him with all that.
234
00:13:55,790 --> 00:13:57,052
I am... I'm fine.
235
00:13:57,096 --> 00:13:58,750
Allison.
236
00:13:58,793 --> 00:14:01,666
I think what you really
need is to talk to someone.
237
00:14:01,710 --> 00:14:03,842
Maybe not Kevin, but a...
238
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,235
A girlfriend or
a... A book club.
239
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,369
You got a book club
where you sit around
240
00:14:08,412 --> 00:14:10,587
with wine and chat about things?
241
00:14:10,631 --> 00:14:12,547
Eh, not really.
242
00:14:12,590 --> 00:14:15,549
Well, maybe a coworker.
243
00:14:15,592 --> 00:14:17,465
Before you try
244
00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:19,466
acupuncture,
245
00:14:19,509 --> 00:14:20,903
I think you need to talk.
246
00:14:25,995 --> 00:14:28,868
That'll be $75
for today's visit.
247
00:14:30,956 --> 00:14:31,913
Yeah, sure.
248
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:45,797
You know, if you're looking
for a good person...
249
00:14:45,841 --> 00:14:47,886
Someone to talk
to... I know someone.
250
00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:49,125
Great with this sort of thing.
251
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,585
A-A professional. No, thanks.
252
00:14:50,628 --> 00:14:52,673
I don't do therapy.
253
00:14:52,716 --> 00:14:55,197
It's worth considering.
254
00:14:55,241 --> 00:14:57,634
Yeah, well, just the
thought of paying a stranger
255
00:14:57,678 --> 00:14:59,419
to listen to me complain... I...
256
00:14:59,462 --> 00:15:01,029
I-It's not like that.
257
00:15:01,073 --> 00:15:02,857
Well, it's just,
it's not for me.
258
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,226
I swear, she helped
my sister-in-law.
259
00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:05,600
Same thing. Alright?
260
00:15:05,643 --> 00:15:06,969
Needed a little
something for herself.
261
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:07,775
Maybe not the
greatest marriage...
262
00:15:07,818 --> 00:15:09,385
Oh. Thank you.
263
00:15:35,499 --> 00:15:36,717
Oh. Ugh.
264
00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:39,677
No, no. I got it.
265
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:42,028
Yeah, I'm... I'm not
sure why I'm the one
266
00:15:42,071 --> 00:15:44,855
hauling all the
boxes back and forth.
267
00:15:44,899 --> 00:15:46,815
Even though I got
15 years on you.
268
00:15:46,857 --> 00:15:49,164
It's fine. Allison: Sorry.
269
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:52,298
Uh, my back's been
hurting a little bit.
270
00:15:52,341 --> 00:15:54,865
How's Uncle Chuck's back
been doing, by the way?
271
00:15:54,909 --> 00:15:57,043
Uh, well, you know.
272
00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,280
Waiting for the
insurance company
273
00:15:58,304 --> 00:16:00,394
to approve the surgery
on his bulging disc,
274
00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:03,484
and still saying the
procedure's "experimental."
275
00:16:03,527 --> 00:16:05,006
I mean, they know he needs it.
276
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,008
I don't know what the
big experiment is.
277
00:16:06,052 --> 00:16:07,488
So... Right.
278
00:16:07,530 --> 00:16:09,793
He's pretty much laid up
asking for meatball subs
279
00:16:09,837 --> 00:16:11,666
and whiskey rocks
from the couch.
280
00:16:11,708 --> 00:16:14,711
But it's fine.
281
00:16:14,755 --> 00:16:17,366
You still, uh, dole out
his pain meds, or...?
282
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:19,195
Ugh.
283
00:16:19,239 --> 00:16:20,825
Chuck says it makes
him feel like a child,
284
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,633
having me be in
charge of him, so...
285
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:24,025
Yeah.
286
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:25,394
He insists he can
handle it himself
287
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,159
and I don't wanna argue anymore.
288
00:16:30,379 --> 00:16:31,686
Allison.
289
00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,600
Huh?
290
00:16:33,644 --> 00:16:35,690
Are you giving up?
291
00:16:35,732 --> 00:16:39,302
Uh, how do you mean?
292
00:16:39,346 --> 00:16:40,302
B...
293
00:16:40,346 --> 00:16:44,264
What's going on here?
294
00:16:44,307 --> 00:16:45,743
Oh, uh...
295
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:48,398
You like like 10
miles of bad highway.
296
00:16:48,442 --> 00:16:51,445
It's, uh, actually
my new favorite.
297
00:16:51,488 --> 00:16:53,707
Oh, it... it's got stains.
298
00:16:53,750 --> 00:16:55,317
I know.
299
00:16:55,361 --> 00:16:57,581
I like 'em.
300
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,539
Okay.
301
00:16:59,582 --> 00:17:02,673
Thing is... this
sweatshirt is actually a...
302
00:17:02,716 --> 00:17:05,588
I mean, you've got a good shape
going on under all of that.
303
00:17:05,633 --> 00:17:07,678
Don't just let yourself go.
304
00:17:07,721 --> 00:17:10,681
It's not fair to
Kev to just give up.
305
00:17:10,724 --> 00:17:14,336
Not fair to Kev?
306
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:17,210
Look, I should be
wearing orthopedic shoes
307
00:17:17,252 --> 00:17:19,080
from Hawley Lane
for my plantars,
308
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,170
but Chuck says they make
me look like a night nurse
309
00:17:21,213 --> 00:17:22,779
coming in to change his diaper.
310
00:17:22,824 --> 00:17:24,173
Mm. So what do I do?
311
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,306
I go over to Target, I
get myself nice flats.
312
00:17:26,348 --> 00:17:29,526
I deal with my arches
on my own time.
313
00:17:29,569 --> 00:17:31,788
Okay, well, you know you
don't have to do that, right?
314
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:34,314
'Cause that's... that's crazy.
315
00:17:34,356 --> 00:17:35,489
No, honey.
316
00:17:35,531 --> 00:17:38,665
That's marriage.
317
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:43,365
Uh, h-h-has Kev
seen this new look?
318
00:17:43,410 --> 00:17:45,673
No.Oh, good.
319
00:17:45,715 --> 00:17:47,108
No, I just wear this here.
320
00:17:47,153 --> 00:17:48,588
Oh.'Cause I... I get cold.
321
00:17:48,632 --> 00:17:50,547
Yeah, yeah.
322
00:17:50,590 --> 00:17:52,767
Well, okay.
323
00:17:52,809 --> 00:17:55,161
I'll pick up a space
heater from Lowe's.
324
00:17:55,203 --> 00:17:56,901
Warm you right up.
325
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:37,550
Ugh.
326
00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:38,855
The minute I saw them!
327
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,294
They took it! I know they did!
328
00:18:41,336 --> 00:18:43,730
What's going on here? Oh!
329
00:18:43,773 --> 00:18:45,993
I've got a terrible
feeling about something.
330
00:18:46,037 --> 00:18:48,170
Let's check it out, shall we?
331
00:18:48,213 --> 00:18:50,519
Alexer? Where's my stuff?
332
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:55,438
What the hell? It works for you!
333
00:18:55,481 --> 00:18:56,613
Well, it's not "Alexer."
334
00:18:56,656 --> 00:18:58,441
It's "Alexa."
335
00:18:58,484 --> 00:18:59,747
That's what I'm saying.
336
00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,356
Alexer.
337
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:04,011
Alexer, where's my stuff?
338
00:19:05,491 --> 00:19:07,580
What am I doing wrong?!
339
00:19:07,624 --> 00:19:09,757
Speaking English.
340
00:19:09,799 --> 00:19:12,977
Okay, try this. Say "Alexer."
341
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:14,631
Alexa.
342
00:19:14,674 --> 00:19:16,198
There ya go.
343
00:19:16,241 --> 00:19:18,982
Alexa, where's my stuff?
344
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:22,464
One shipment was
delivered for Kevin today.
345
00:19:22,509 --> 00:19:24,250
Foul play!
346
00:19:24,292 --> 00:19:26,251
My Belichick hoodie...
The closest thing
347
00:19:26,295 --> 00:19:28,644
I have to a child... was stolen!
348
00:19:28,689 --> 00:19:30,125
Ugh. You don't want children.
349
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,039
Remember? You said
it pulls focus
350
00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:33,443
from what really
matters in life...
351
00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,086
Your needs.
352
00:19:35,130 --> 00:19:37,698
That sweatshirt was
gonna be my test case...
353
00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:39,655
My pride and joy.
354
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:42,920
Instead, it's probably stuffed
in the neighbor's closet.
355
00:19:42,963 --> 00:19:46,271
All cold and alone.
356
00:19:46,315 --> 00:19:49,710
Not even knowing I'm
trying to find it.
357
00:19:49,752 --> 00:19:51,451
It knows, Kev.
358
00:19:51,493 --> 00:19:54,279
Damn foreigners are
tearing my boy apart!
359
00:19:54,323 --> 00:19:56,717
Pete, you blame
hurricanes on foreigners.
360
00:19:56,759 --> 00:19:58,284
Are you sure it's them?
361
00:19:58,326 --> 00:20:00,938
Maybe it was just a
mistake with the mailman.
362
00:20:00,981 --> 00:20:03,593
Allison, whose side are you on?
363
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,726
Sanity's.
364
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:09,250
Well, it's obvious
what has to be done.
365
00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:11,252
Set UPS on fire.
366
00:20:12,515 --> 00:20:14,473
No.Set the neighbors on fire.
367
00:20:14,517 --> 00:20:16,345
No!
368
00:20:16,388 --> 00:20:19,695
Neil, we don't let you do
fire anymore, remember?
369
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:21,132
I know.
370
00:20:21,175 --> 00:20:23,003
But still
371
00:20:23,047 --> 00:20:24,832
the flame
372
00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:28,530
she calls to me.
373
00:20:28,575 --> 00:20:31,534
We have to have a
Revolutionary War reboot!
374
00:20:31,577 --> 00:20:33,144
I love a reboot.
375
00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:35,451
This is almost as good
as the new "CHiPs"!
376
00:20:35,494 --> 00:20:37,365
Rebels versus Redcoats.
377
00:20:37,410 --> 00:20:41,108
Stealing that sweatshirt was
as bad as the Boston Massacre.
378
00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:42,980
Worse!
379
00:20:43,023 --> 00:20:45,721
You guys said the same
thing about cinnamon gum.
380
00:20:45,766 --> 00:20:48,421
It's too hot.
381
00:20:48,463 --> 00:20:51,771
Gum is meant to be
minty and refreshing.
382
00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:52,772
It's on!
383
00:20:52,816 --> 00:20:54,383
Pat, go to the salon.
384
00:20:54,426 --> 00:20:55,578
Get those leftover
Roman candles.
385
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:57,211
We're gonna need
ammo. Roger that.
386
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,213
You left the fireworks
at the salon?
387
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:00,930
There's so many times
I wanted to use them!
388
00:21:00,954 --> 00:21:04,523
We don't let
you do fire anymore!
389
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:05,786
Let's go, men!
390
00:21:05,828 --> 00:21:07,308
We got a war to win!
391
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:08,528
Yes! Ow!
392
00:21:08,570 --> 00:21:09,571
Oh! Hernia!
393
00:21:09,615 --> 00:21:10,964
Alright, I'm good!
394
00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:12,923
You alright? I'm good!
395
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:14,969
We're men!
396
00:21:15,011 --> 00:21:16,665
U.S.A.! Ow!
397
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:19,756
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
398
00:21:19,799 --> 00:21:21,540
U.S.A.!
399
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:22,715
Hi.
400
00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:23,717
Hey.
401
00:21:23,759 --> 00:21:26,588
Hey. Oh.
402
00:21:26,633 --> 00:21:28,982
What's up? Nothin'.
403
00:21:29,026 --> 00:21:30,984
'Cause I've been dying
to show you, uh...
404
00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,614
Just, like, show someone.
Can it wait?
405
00:21:32,638 --> 00:21:34,051
I gotta get to the
salon and start looking
406
00:21:34,075 --> 00:21:35,729
for those Roman
candles. They're buried
407
00:21:35,771 --> 00:21:37,010
in the crawl space somewhere
and I'm gonna hit my head
408
00:21:37,034 --> 00:21:39,776
at least three times
trying to get 'em.
409
00:21:39,819 --> 00:21:43,737
You're actually gonna
help them with that?
410
00:21:43,779 --> 00:21:45,346
Yeah.
411
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:46,782
Oh.
412
00:21:46,826 --> 00:21:49,263
What? No, nothing.
413
00:21:49,307 --> 00:21:50,502
I just thought
that we were, uh...
414
00:21:50,526 --> 00:21:53,442
"We"?
415
00:21:53,486 --> 00:21:55,530
I never really thought
of us as a "we."
416
00:21:58,838 --> 00:22:01,493
Yeah. Right.
417
00:22:01,537 --> 00:22:03,146
My mistake.
418
00:22:05,888 --> 00:22:08,195
So why the hell you tell
me about the money, then?
419
00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,980
About Kevin?
420
00:22:10,023 --> 00:22:11,262
I called the bank,
and you were right.
421
00:22:11,286 --> 00:22:14,288
The money's gone.
422
00:22:14,333 --> 00:22:16,377
You blew up my life.
Was that just for fun?
423
00:22:18,945 --> 00:22:20,643
No.
424
00:22:24,255 --> 00:22:27,476
I felt sorry for you.
425
00:22:27,519 --> 00:22:30,435
Convincing yourself all your
dreams are gonna come true.
426
00:22:30,479 --> 00:22:32,196
That you were destined for
something bigger than this.
427
00:22:32,220 --> 00:22:34,788
That you were gonna be happy.
428
00:22:34,830 --> 00:22:37,094
It was hard to watch.
429
00:22:37,137 --> 00:22:39,880
I'm bad with cringe comedy.
430
00:22:39,923 --> 00:22:43,884
Okay. So, I'm an idiot
for wanting something,
431
00:22:43,926 --> 00:22:46,016
and you're fine with
hitting your head
432
00:22:46,059 --> 00:22:48,584
looking for the Roman candles
for the rest of your life?
433
00:22:50,759 --> 00:22:54,373
Yes.
434
00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:56,375
You felt sorry for me.
435
00:23:29,058 --> 00:23:30,059
They're oatmeal raisin!
436
00:23:30,104 --> 00:23:31,887
Oh! Ugh!
437
00:23:31,932 --> 00:23:33,628
Why would you put
fruit in a cookie?
438
00:23:33,673 --> 00:23:35,848
Mixed messaging!
439
00:23:35,892 --> 00:23:37,720
Like a dessert with homework.
440
00:23:37,763 --> 00:23:40,896
Yeah, it's like putting a
vegetable in a... a cookie.
441
00:23:43,943 --> 00:23:45,945
Oh, dear God.
442
00:23:45,989 --> 00:23:48,035
No need to invoke the Lord.
443
00:23:48,077 --> 00:23:49,471
The neighbors stole my jersey,
444
00:23:49,515 --> 00:23:52,909
so I rightfully
stole one of theirs.
445
00:23:52,952 --> 00:23:55,172
Pretty sure we got the Big
Man's blessing on this.
446
00:23:55,215 --> 00:23:58,087
After all... eye for
an eye, tit for tit.
447
00:23:59,873 --> 00:24:02,135
Look, does it always
have to be "tit for tit"?
448
00:24:02,179 --> 00:24:03,876
Can't just you let
some things go?
449
00:24:05,355 --> 00:24:07,576
This is a Revolutionary
War, Allison.
450
00:24:07,619 --> 00:24:09,099
Could you imagine
if George Washington
451
00:24:09,143 --> 00:24:11,492
just "let things go"?
452
00:24:11,537 --> 00:24:14,104
Yeah, I can. We'd be Communists.
453
00:24:14,147 --> 00:24:16,977
Oh, honey. Not even close.
454
00:24:17,019 --> 00:24:18,847
Well, look at me. I had
a tiff with a friend,
455
00:24:18,892 --> 00:24:21,154
so I baked some
cookies to make peace.
456
00:24:21,198 --> 00:24:23,505
What friend? They're made up.
457
00:24:23,548 --> 00:24:26,160
Just like leprechauns.
458
00:24:26,202 --> 00:24:27,377
You taught me that.
459
00:24:27,422 --> 00:24:30,381
Ouugh!
460
00:24:30,424 --> 00:24:32,557
It was on the doorstep.
461
00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,559
It's a message.
462
00:24:34,603 --> 00:24:37,692
You want to let it
go now, Allison?!
463
00:24:37,737 --> 00:24:39,302
So, what is the
message, exactly?
464
00:24:39,346 --> 00:24:41,261
That they're not playing around.
465
00:24:41,305 --> 00:24:43,351
Look at this!
466
00:24:43,394 --> 00:24:47,007
It's clearly a Deflategate
dig, and it is not taken well.
467
00:24:47,049 --> 00:24:49,009
Again, not even close.
468
00:24:49,051 --> 00:24:51,271
Grrrgh!
469
00:24:51,315 --> 00:24:52,534
Wait up!
470
00:24:52,577 --> 00:24:54,013
Drgh!
471
00:24:59,019 --> 00:25:01,238
Really.
472
00:25:01,281 --> 00:25:03,326
What friend are these for?
473
00:25:03,371 --> 00:25:05,241
Uh, someone who doesn't
pretend to hate things
474
00:25:05,286 --> 00:25:07,722
they like just to
be one of the guys.
475
00:25:07,767 --> 00:25:10,596
Jesus, are you an
after-school special?
476
00:25:11,857 --> 00:25:13,555
Come on.
477
00:25:13,598 --> 00:25:16,426
It's someone I can
actually talk to.
478
00:25:16,471 --> 00:25:19,256
Hi.Oh, what the hell?
479
00:25:19,299 --> 00:25:20,953
No, I know. I just
came to apologize.
480
00:25:20,997 --> 00:25:22,346
Careful, Marcus.
481
00:25:22,390 --> 00:25:23,628
Barbie might break
your nose this time.
482
00:25:23,652 --> 00:25:25,740
Okay. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
483
00:25:25,785 --> 00:25:27,351
Come here. What are you...
484
00:25:27,394 --> 00:25:29,005
Look, I was in a
terrible place that day,
485
00:25:29,048 --> 00:25:30,615
and I made a huge mistake.
486
00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:32,158
I've never actually
slapped anyone before...
487
00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,291
Whoa, no, no, no. Hold on.
You didn't slap me, tough guy.
488
00:25:34,315 --> 00:25:36,403
I was fine. Okay.
489
00:25:36,447 --> 00:25:38,624
Uh, of course.
490
00:25:38,666 --> 00:25:42,584
Either way, I was
very rude, and, um,
491
00:25:42,627 --> 00:25:45,544
so I wanted to
make it up to you.
492
00:25:45,586 --> 00:25:47,371
Are you serious?
493
00:25:47,414 --> 00:25:48,634
I dunno.
494
00:25:48,676 --> 00:25:50,243
Everyone likes cookies.
495
00:25:50,287 --> 00:25:52,811
It's a good gift.
496
00:25:52,855 --> 00:25:54,050
You're not gonna be
a pain in the ass
497
00:25:54,074 --> 00:25:55,354
asking me for coke now, are you?
498
00:25:55,378 --> 00:25:58,469
No, no, no, no, no. No.
499
00:25:58,512 --> 00:26:01,080
Gave me some interesting
ideas, but, uh,
500
00:26:01,124 --> 00:26:03,386
I feel like my body's
still recovering.
501
00:26:03,431 --> 00:26:05,825
No, uh...
502
00:26:05,867 --> 00:26:07,042
I want oxys.
503
00:26:07,086 --> 00:26:08,522
Jesus Christ.
504
00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,480
Just like 10 to 15 pills.
505
00:26:10,525 --> 00:26:12,720
I've already tried to get a
doctor to give them to me...
506
00:26:12,744 --> 00:26:14,702
Of course your first
thought was to ask nicely.
507
00:26:14,747 --> 00:26:16,202
He just sent me to a
therapist, and I...
508
00:26:16,226 --> 00:26:17,663
I need these.
509
00:26:17,705 --> 00:26:20,186
I'm in very real pain.
510
00:26:20,230 --> 00:26:22,405
Marcus, use your rape whistle.
511
00:26:22,450 --> 00:26:24,973
Okay. Private conversation.
512
00:26:29,761 --> 00:26:33,068
Look, I don't have
that shit on me, okay?
513
00:26:33,113 --> 00:26:34,635
I... I'm not that guy.
514
00:26:34,680 --> 00:26:39,205
But, uh, I can hook
you up with one.
515
00:26:39,249 --> 00:26:41,686
Really?
516
00:26:41,730 --> 00:26:43,165
Oh, my God, okay.
517
00:26:43,210 --> 00:26:45,907
Thank you.
518
00:26:45,951 --> 00:26:49,390
Be on the 14th Street
overpass at midnight.
519
00:26:49,432 --> 00:26:51,086
Tonight. Okay.
520
00:26:51,131 --> 00:26:52,237
Don't try to pay in cookies.
521
00:26:52,261 --> 00:26:55,090
N-No.
522
00:26:55,134 --> 00:26:56,875
No, okay.
523
00:26:56,919 --> 00:26:58,486
Uh, thank you.
524
00:26:58,528 --> 00:27:00,053
Mm-hmm.
525
00:27:03,230 --> 00:27:06,058
Uh, hey, I know it's not
cash, but, uh, do you think
526
00:27:06,102 --> 00:27:08,496
that he'd think that this
hoodie was worth something?
527
00:27:11,499 --> 00:27:13,369
Oh, it looks awful.
528
00:27:13,413 --> 00:27:16,547
Uh, t-this was... This
was worn by Belichick.
529
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,116
Bill Belichick?
530
00:27:21,161 --> 00:27:23,729
My, uh... my husband paid
Lord knows how much for it,
531
00:27:23,771 --> 00:27:25,164
but God forbid I ask.
532
00:27:25,208 --> 00:27:26,949
Lady. Um, Allison.
533
00:27:26,992 --> 00:27:29,169
I don't want to know
your name or your story.
534
00:27:29,211 --> 00:27:31,692
I don't care. Right.
535
00:27:31,737 --> 00:27:33,739
Now get the hell out of here.
536
00:27:33,781 --> 00:27:35,522
Okay. Bye-bye, now.
537
00:27:35,566 --> 00:27:36,567
Yes. Goodbye.
538
00:27:36,611 --> 00:27:38,700
Okay. Okay.
539
00:27:38,743 --> 00:27:42,182
Thank you. Thanks for
the raisin cookies.
540
00:27:42,224 --> 00:27:43,923
Don't worry about
washing the bowl.
541
00:27:50,364 --> 00:27:51,582
- Gah!
542
00:27:52,974 --> 00:27:54,759
What are you doing?!
Gotta protect my lady.
543
00:27:54,802 --> 00:27:55,760
Can't be too cautious.
544
00:27:55,804 --> 00:27:57,632
Well, can't you?!
545
00:27:57,675 --> 00:28:00,068
Not when the neighbors lit
our garbage cans on fire.
546
00:28:00,113 --> 00:28:01,941
They what?! Why
would they do that?
547
00:28:01,983 --> 00:28:04,421
Well, after
Knife-In-Football-Gate,
548
00:28:04,464 --> 00:28:06,945
I had one of those
strokes of genius.
549
00:28:06,989 --> 00:28:09,730
I shoved a cherry bomb
inside a soccer...
550
00:28:09,775 --> 00:28:12,820
Soccer!
551
00:28:12,865 --> 00:28:15,301
Ball, and I put it
on their front lawn.
552
00:28:15,345 --> 00:28:16,781
A true message.
553
00:28:16,825 --> 00:28:19,609
What, that soccer blows?
554
00:28:19,653 --> 00:28:20,873
Solid.
555
00:28:22,178 --> 00:28:24,746
What? N-No.
556
00:28:24,789 --> 00:28:26,616
That they cannot mess with me!
557
00:28:26,661 --> 00:28:29,490
And that message was received.
558
00:28:29,532 --> 00:28:31,012
You should have seen it.
559
00:28:31,057 --> 00:28:33,015
The sparks! The colors!
560
00:28:33,058 --> 00:28:34,799
Little flaming hexagons
flying everywhere.
561
00:28:34,843 --> 00:28:38,586
It was... It was...
It was spectacular!
562
00:28:38,628 --> 00:28:40,980
But I also burned their lawn.
563
00:28:41,022 --> 00:28:42,459
Youlit their lawn on fire?
564
00:28:42,502 --> 00:28:44,156
I heard about that. It's fine.
565
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,028
A little singe will
just make the grass
566
00:28:46,072 --> 00:28:47,769
grow back twice as lush...
567
00:28:47,813 --> 00:28:50,945
If it's anything
like my foot hair.
568
00:28:50,990 --> 00:28:52,532
So, that's when they
torched our garbage cans?
569
00:28:52,556 --> 00:28:53,601
Yeah. Can you believe it?
570
00:28:53,644 --> 00:28:55,603
It's practically arson.
571
00:28:55,645 --> 00:28:56,925
Well, you lit
their lawn on fire!
572
00:28:56,951 --> 00:28:58,387
They stole my sweatshirt!
573
00:28:58,432 --> 00:29:00,215
You burned down their pergola!
574
00:29:00,259 --> 00:29:04,263
Irregardless, this is all
just ramping up so fast,
575
00:29:04,307 --> 00:29:05,830
we had to beef up security.
576
00:29:05,874 --> 00:29:06,832
And that's our security?
577
00:29:06,875 --> 00:29:08,355
Well, the bat is step one.
578
00:29:08,397 --> 00:29:09,790
Step two is...
579
00:29:09,835 --> 00:29:12,228
Ah, Neil returns
with step three.
580
00:29:12,271 --> 00:29:13,534
I sent him to my guy.
581
00:29:13,576 --> 00:29:15,665
He's former SWAT.
582
00:29:15,710 --> 00:29:17,058
Neil, what are you doing?
583
00:29:17,103 --> 00:29:19,365
Well, this is what
your guy gave me.
584
00:29:19,409 --> 00:29:20,976
Kev! You caved!
585
00:29:21,019 --> 00:29:23,152
Wha?
586
00:29:23,195 --> 00:29:25,023
You got me a dog?'Course not.
587
00:29:25,067 --> 00:29:26,807
My "No Pets" rule stands.
588
00:29:26,852 --> 00:29:30,028
I refuse not to be the
cutest thing in this house.
589
00:29:30,071 --> 00:29:31,638
Impossible, babe.
590
00:29:31,682 --> 00:29:33,989
Besides, that's not a dog.
591
00:29:34,032 --> 00:29:35,295
That's a mistake.
592
00:29:35,337 --> 00:29:36,991
Neil, I-I sent you
to my guy to get,
593
00:29:37,036 --> 00:29:39,994
like, a rifle or a
crossbow or something.
594
00:29:40,038 --> 00:29:41,712
Yeah, well, your guy said
this was the most weapon
595
00:29:41,736 --> 00:29:43,519
I could handle.
596
00:29:43,564 --> 00:29:45,695
It's something. Is it?
597
00:29:45,740 --> 00:29:48,699
I don't know. He looks tired.
598
00:29:48,742 --> 00:29:50,179
Maybe a little slow.
599
00:29:50,222 --> 00:29:51,833
Yeah.
600
00:29:51,876 --> 00:29:54,836
And lazy.
601
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:57,317
Doesn't seem like
McRoberts material.
602
00:29:58,971 --> 00:30:02,104
Dog, you're here
on a trial basis.
603
00:30:02,147 --> 00:30:04,498
No name till you're
off probation.
604
00:30:04,540 --> 00:30:06,239
And no cavortin' with my wife.
605
00:30:07,674 --> 00:30:09,111
Okay, so, what's step two?
606
00:30:09,154 --> 00:30:10,329
Huh?
607
00:30:10,373 --> 00:30:11,679
Well, step one's the bat.
608
00:30:11,721 --> 00:30:12,897
Step three is the dog.
609
00:30:12,941 --> 00:30:14,769
So what's step two?
610
00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:17,903
Oh, I installed a full DING
security system outside.
611
00:30:17,945 --> 00:30:20,470
Cameras at every
door, motion-sensored.
612
00:30:20,513 --> 00:30:21,731
I've got it wired, babe.
613
00:30:21,776 --> 00:30:23,604
I'm feeling diligent,
614
00:30:23,646 --> 00:30:24,605
focused.
615
00:30:26,172 --> 00:30:28,782
You got chips there?
616
00:30:28,826 --> 00:30:30,740
I brought them from
home. Did you, now?
617
00:30:30,785 --> 00:30:31,849
You know what they
say about sharing.
618
00:30:31,873 --> 00:30:33,527
No. Gimme.
619
00:30:47,540 --> 00:30:48,933
God damn it.
620
00:31:05,732 --> 00:31:07,299
Hi.
621
00:31:07,343 --> 00:31:09,258
Good boy.
622
00:31:09,301 --> 00:31:10,519
Hmm?
623
00:31:10,564 --> 00:31:12,347
That's a good boy.
624
00:31:12,392 --> 00:31:13,609
What's this?
625
00:31:13,653 --> 00:31:15,047
Yeah, you're a good boy.
626
00:31:18,310 --> 00:31:20,355
Well, actually, no.
627
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:21,464
That's not a nice thing to say.
628
00:31:21,488 --> 00:31:24,056
I'm sorry.
629
00:31:24,098 --> 00:31:27,102
Good boys don't get
to do anything fun.
630
00:31:27,145 --> 00:31:28,711
Trust me, I get it.
631
00:31:31,801 --> 00:31:34,108
This is my first time
sneaking out of a house.
632
00:31:36,676 --> 00:31:39,809
Why'd I wait so long to do
something like this, huh?
633
00:31:39,854 --> 00:31:42,813
It's exciting.
634
00:31:42,856 --> 00:31:44,380
It'll be a good story.
635
00:31:49,211 --> 00:31:51,125
Oh.
636
00:31:53,214 --> 00:31:55,957
Hey.
637
00:31:56,000 --> 00:31:57,827
You wanna know
another good story?
638
00:32:01,048 --> 00:32:02,921
I stole the goddamn hoodie.
639
00:32:05,792 --> 00:32:07,576
Don't rat me out, okay, pal?
640
00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:14,410
Thank you.
641
00:32:14,453 --> 00:32:16,238
You stay there.
642
00:33:05,287 --> 00:33:06,593
Uh...
643
00:33:06,635 --> 00:33:08,073
You Marcus' girl?
644
00:33:08,115 --> 00:33:10,117
Yeah. Well, no.
645
00:33:10,162 --> 00:33:13,817
I'm not his girl,
but... I got ya.
646
00:33:13,861 --> 00:33:16,429
Uh, how do you wanna do this?
647
00:33:16,471 --> 00:33:18,692
Uh...
648
00:33:18,734 --> 00:33:21,694
However you'd normally
do it is good, I guess.
649
00:33:21,738 --> 00:33:24,306
Money first?
650
00:33:24,349 --> 00:33:26,090
Sounds good.
651
00:33:26,134 --> 00:33:28,396
W-What do you want to
pay... So, what? Oh.
652
00:33:28,441 --> 00:33:30,529
You g... Uh, y-you
go first. Sorry.
653
00:33:30,573 --> 00:33:33,923
Uh, $200? No way.
654
00:33:33,968 --> 00:33:35,772
Most girls in your position
would be kissing the ground
655
00:33:35,796 --> 00:33:37,015
I walk on for that price.
656
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:40,757
Well, I'm not most girls, so
657
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:42,237
$120, final offer.
658
00:33:46,849 --> 00:33:48,677
Get in.
659
00:33:58,688 --> 00:34:00,559
Uh, where we going?
660
00:34:00,603 --> 00:34:02,170
We can't do this right here.
661
00:34:15,009 --> 00:34:16,576
Oh.
662
00:34:20,710 --> 00:34:22,972
S... Uh... So,
you got the stuff?
663
00:34:23,016 --> 00:34:25,541
Oh... Oh, I
got your stuff right here.
664
00:34:25,585 --> 00:34:27,847
No, what? What the
hell are you doing?
665
00:34:27,891 --> 00:34:29,371
Oh, right.
666
00:34:29,414 --> 00:34:32,070
Marcus said you were
into that sort of thing.
667
00:34:32,112 --> 00:34:33,809
"Oh, no, Mister. I'm
not that kind of guy."
668
00:34:33,853 --> 00:34:36,335
What?! No! No! I'm not
gonna have sex with you!
669
00:34:36,378 --> 00:34:38,728
Marcus said I... I would
have sex with you?!
670
00:34:38,771 --> 00:34:40,947
E... That's usually what
the money's for, yeah.
671
00:34:40,990 --> 00:34:43,907
Oh, my... No, I'm
not a prostitu...
672
00:34:43,951 --> 00:34:46,300
Marcus said that
you'd sell me pills.
673
00:34:46,344 --> 00:34:48,172
Like, drugs?
674
00:34:48,215 --> 00:34:51,306
La... Lady, I sell
life insurance.
675
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:57,746
Marcus was trying to
get back at me, so it...
676
00:34:57,791 --> 00:35:00,141
I'm sorry, I have to go.
677
00:35:00,184 --> 00:35:01,489
Whoa, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Ah!
678
00:35:01,534 --> 00:35:02,751
God damn! Oh!
679
00:35:02,795 --> 00:35:04,362
What the hell?!
680
00:35:04,405 --> 00:35:06,626
I-I... I... I was just
trying to tell you
681
00:35:06,668 --> 00:35:07,988
there's a child
lock on that door.
682
00:35:08,018 --> 00:35:09,324
Oh, my God.
683
00:35:09,367 --> 00:35:11,413
You... You broke
my frickin' nose!
684
00:35:11,456 --> 00:35:12,806
I'm so sorry.
685
00:35:12,849 --> 00:35:15,155
Here, here, here.
686
00:35:15,199 --> 00:35:16,983
Ow! God! Oh!
687
00:35:17,027 --> 00:35:19,813
Gah! Jesus Christ, lady!
688
00:35:23,860 --> 00:35:26,210
The least you could do
is give me a handjob.
689
00:35:26,253 --> 00:35:27,951
Oh.
690
00:35:27,994 --> 00:35:29,518
No, thank you.
691
00:36:18,088 --> 00:36:19,264
- Allie.
- Hey.
692
00:36:19,306 --> 00:36:21,353
- Uh, it's late.
- Yeah, sorry.
693
00:36:22,918 --> 00:36:25,226
Um, how are you?
694
00:36:25,269 --> 00:36:27,489
Uh...
695
00:36:27,532 --> 00:36:30,579
Uh, I don't really know how
to answer that question.
696
00:36:30,623 --> 00:36:33,233
I know that I am supposed
to say, "I'm good.
697
00:36:33,277 --> 00:36:34,713
How are you?"
698
00:36:34,757 --> 00:36:36,932
Anything more than
that is just rude.
699
00:36:36,976 --> 00:36:38,519
No one actually wants
to know how you are.
700
00:36:38,543 --> 00:36:39,825
It's just a way
of saying, "Hello.
701
00:36:39,849 --> 00:36:42,242
I'm good, how are you?"
702
00:36:42,286 --> 00:36:45,463
Uh, but I actually wanted to
703
00:36:45,507 --> 00:36:48,117
talk.
704
00:36:48,161 --> 00:36:49,597
To me?
705
00:36:49,641 --> 00:36:51,251
Yeah.
706
00:36:51,295 --> 00:36:54,123
Thought maybe you
were mad or something.
707
00:36:54,168 --> 00:36:57,302
Why would I be mad?
708
00:36:57,344 --> 00:36:58,650
Right.
709
00:36:58,693 --> 00:37:00,869
Sure.
710
00:37:00,914 --> 00:37:01,871
You want a coffee or something?
711
00:37:01,914 --> 00:37:03,742
Uh...
712
00:37:03,786 --> 00:37:05,744
After the night I had,
I'd say an Irish coffee,
713
00:37:05,788 --> 00:37:08,094
but I don't want to
make you do that.
714
00:37:08,137 --> 00:37:09,617
I can muscle through.
715
00:37:09,661 --> 00:37:12,273
Well... No, I was
being... I was being rude.
716
00:37:12,317 --> 00:37:14,101
Impossible.
717
00:37:14,143 --> 00:37:17,409
This is really for me.
718
00:37:17,452 --> 00:37:20,976
I used to love mixing
drinks for you.
719
00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:24,153
Remember our, uh,
white trash margarita?
720
00:37:24,197 --> 00:37:25,981
Yeah.
721
00:37:26,025 --> 00:37:28,157
Yellow Gatorade and tequila.
722
00:37:28,202 --> 00:37:30,596
With a maraschino cherry.Ugh.
723
00:37:30,639 --> 00:37:33,641
Of all the drinks I miss, that
one's pretty high up there.
724
00:37:38,385 --> 00:37:39,865
Thank you.
725
00:37:41,911 --> 00:37:42,956
Mmm.
726
00:37:42,998 --> 00:37:45,306
Mm.
727
00:37:45,349 --> 00:37:49,483
So, you wanted to talk?
728
00:37:49,527 --> 00:37:52,094
Yeah.
729
00:37:52,139 --> 00:37:55,054
About?
730
00:37:55,097 --> 00:37:58,014
Uh...
731
00:37:58,057 --> 00:37:59,842
Something that
isn't the weather,
732
00:37:59,885 --> 00:38:04,324
or my aunt's foot ailments, or
the feud with the neighbors.
733
00:38:06,632 --> 00:38:08,197
I've had the worst
734
00:38:10,375 --> 00:38:11,985
decade, really.
735
00:38:12,027 --> 00:38:13,354
Like, I can't
believe how much time
736
00:38:13,378 --> 00:38:15,422
I've spent talking
about nothing.
737
00:38:15,467 --> 00:38:18,599
And now that I feel like I
actually have something to say,
738
00:38:18,643 --> 00:38:21,168
um, the closest
thing that I have
739
00:38:21,210 --> 00:38:24,693
to someone who cares is a dog.
740
00:38:27,608 --> 00:38:30,307
I care.
741
00:38:30,351 --> 00:38:33,614
Just that you knew me before...
742
00:38:33,659 --> 00:38:34,963
W-When we were younger.
743
00:38:37,532 --> 00:38:39,882
I had friends, right?
744
00:38:39,925 --> 00:38:42,449
Yeah.
745
00:38:42,494 --> 00:38:44,800
Yeah, I feel like
they all had names
746
00:38:44,844 --> 00:38:49,152
that started with J, K, and I.
747
00:38:49,195 --> 00:38:52,155
Katie, Kelly, Lauren, Lindsay...
748
00:38:52,199 --> 00:38:53,418
Julie. Both: Jess.
749
00:38:53,460 --> 00:38:54,635
They liked church.
750
00:38:54,679 --> 00:38:56,376
They loved church. Mm.
751
00:38:56,420 --> 00:38:57,769
And your friends
in the swim team.
752
00:38:57,813 --> 00:38:59,293
Well, no.
753
00:38:59,336 --> 00:39:00,206
Those girls didn't
really like me.
754
00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:02,034
I was a bit...
755
00:39:02,077 --> 00:39:04,385
Bit competitive.
756
00:39:04,429 --> 00:39:05,777
"Was"?
757
00:39:05,820 --> 00:39:08,432
Okay.
758
00:39:08,476 --> 00:39:09,845
And I had the people
at the restaurant,
759
00:39:09,869 --> 00:39:12,871
and I had you.
760
00:39:12,914 --> 00:39:16,876
I just don't know when I got
so isolated from everyone.
761
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:20,661
Wish you'd been here
for the last 10 years.
762
00:39:20,706 --> 00:39:23,621
I mean, I'm not sure that
would've actually helped.
763
00:39:26,798 --> 00:39:30,324
Why?
764
00:39:30,367 --> 00:39:32,804
People who think they're
cut off from everyone
765
00:39:32,847 --> 00:39:36,112
are actually often walling
themselves off from the world.
766
00:39:36,155 --> 00:39:37,595
Okay, can we not?
'Cause I've already
767
00:39:37,635 --> 00:39:39,768
turned down therapy
once this week, so...
768
00:39:39,811 --> 00:39:41,378
No, yeah. Sure.
769
00:39:46,166 --> 00:39:48,123
I'm just saying,
770
00:39:48,168 --> 00:39:52,085
when you talk about
wishing I'd been here
771
00:39:52,128 --> 00:39:53,478
you're the one who pulled away.
772
00:39:56,916 --> 00:39:58,699
I pulled away?
773
00:39:58,744 --> 00:40:01,355
Okay, I mean, you were gone
774
00:40:01,398 --> 00:40:02,704
way before I got married, okay?
775
00:40:02,748 --> 00:40:04,115
Uh... How are we
talking about this?
776
00:40:04,139 --> 00:40:05,706
I just wanted
someone to talk with.
777
00:40:05,751 --> 00:40:07,708
Did you, though?
778
00:40:07,753 --> 00:40:09,512
'Cause from where I'm
sitting, you wanted someone
779
00:40:09,536 --> 00:40:12,670
to listen and nod
and agree with you.
780
00:40:14,934 --> 00:40:16,849
You know what?
781
00:40:16,891 --> 00:40:19,634
I take it back.
782
00:40:19,677 --> 00:40:21,505
I'm good. How are you?
783
00:40:30,427 --> 00:40:32,472
Wha... Have we been robbed?
784
00:40:32,516 --> 00:40:35,650
That is absolutely correct.
785
00:40:35,693 --> 00:40:37,172
Shouldn't we be
calling the police?
786
00:40:37,217 --> 00:40:39,827
Oh, simple Allison.
787
00:40:39,871 --> 00:40:42,264
This is all a part
of my master plan.
788
00:40:42,309 --> 00:40:43,876
Okay, well, the last
time you said that,
789
00:40:43,918 --> 00:40:46,661
we had to cut down the oak
tree to get you out of it.
790
00:40:46,704 --> 00:40:50,360
That tree was an
eyesore for 300 years.
791
00:40:50,403 --> 00:40:52,362
Paul Revere planted it.
792
00:40:52,405 --> 00:40:54,364
Just listen.
793
00:40:54,407 --> 00:40:56,604
The security system picked up
some of those damn neighbors
794
00:40:56,628 --> 00:40:58,068
lurking outside the
house last night.
795
00:40:58,106 --> 00:40:59,369
Really?
796
00:40:59,413 --> 00:41:00,893
Wh... How do you
know it was them?
797
00:41:00,936 --> 00:41:03,851
Uh, he was wearing the hoodie.
798
00:41:06,724 --> 00:41:09,030
That's tough, babe.
799
00:41:09,074 --> 00:41:10,902
Thank you.
800
00:41:10,945 --> 00:41:14,210
But as I was trying to lure
an entire family of skunks
801
00:41:14,253 --> 00:41:15,994
under the neighbor's house,
802
00:41:16,038 --> 00:41:19,215
I realized that that security
footage gives me all the ammo
803
00:41:19,259 --> 00:41:20,913
I need to go to the
insurance company.
804
00:41:20,956 --> 00:41:23,742
So, ta-dah!
805
00:41:23,784 --> 00:41:25,744
Kevin, we agreed
you'd give up magic
806
00:41:25,786 --> 00:41:28,702
when that playing card
punctured your eardrum.
807
00:41:28,746 --> 00:41:31,750
Allison, I can't even hear
you to agree with you.
808
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:36,536
This is the magic of insurance.
809
00:41:36,581 --> 00:41:38,626
I talked to the guy
about my stolen hoodie
810
00:41:38,670 --> 00:41:42,195
and all the, eh... wink...
Other stuff missin' here.
811
00:41:42,237 --> 00:41:44,719
Guy's coming down later today
to take claims on everything.
812
00:41:44,762 --> 00:41:48,027
TV, Wade Boggs rookie
card, your father's ashes.
813
00:41:48,070 --> 00:41:49,550
Kevin. I'm just kidding.
814
00:41:49,594 --> 00:41:51,596
He's not worth anything.
815
00:41:51,639 --> 00:41:54,599
No, I mean, isn't this fraud?
816
00:41:54,641 --> 00:41:55,990
No way.
817
00:41:56,034 --> 00:41:58,603
Our stuff isactually missing.
818
00:41:58,646 --> 00:42:01,648
I mean, maybe if you went
over to Neil's garage...
819
00:42:01,693 --> 00:42:03,695
Ugh... it might all be
in there, but who knows?
820
00:42:03,737 --> 00:42:05,130
Not I!
821
00:42:05,173 --> 00:42:06,480
Y... No, no, no! And not you!
822
00:42:06,523 --> 00:42:08,047
I am not going in Neil's garage.
823
00:42:08,090 --> 00:42:10,005
I am taking Bill
out. Whoa, whoa.
824
00:42:10,048 --> 00:42:12,965
Who's Bill, and where
are you taking him?
825
00:42:13,007 --> 00:42:16,010
Bill is what I named
our dog. Where is he?
826
00:42:16,054 --> 00:42:18,753
Oh, uh, that whole security
system wasn't working.
827
00:42:18,797 --> 00:42:21,364
The cameras were blurry,
the dog was a bum,
828
00:42:21,407 --> 00:42:24,280
and the bat broke when Neil and
I were smashing watermelons.
829
00:42:24,324 --> 00:42:25,543
I scrapped all of it.
830
00:42:25,585 --> 00:42:27,021
All of it?
831
00:42:27,065 --> 00:42:28,762
Even the dog? I took
him back to my guy.
832
00:42:28,806 --> 00:42:31,025
I expect I'll get some
sort of store credit
833
00:42:31,070 --> 00:42:33,855
once he finds "Bill"
tied to his porch.
834
00:42:33,898 --> 00:42:35,813
You abandoned the dog?
835
00:42:35,856 --> 00:42:38,773
When I left, I gave him half
my bacon, egg, and cheese.
836
00:42:38,817 --> 00:42:41,253
If that's abandonment,
abandon me every morning.
837
00:42:42,820 --> 00:42:45,083
With that insurance money,
I can get the hoodie
838
00:42:45,126 --> 00:42:47,956
that Belichick wore
in the 2017 playoffs.
839
00:42:49,740 --> 00:42:53,047
- So, that other hoodie.
- -Keep it, foreigners!
840
00:42:53,092 --> 00:42:55,311
Put another win on the board!
841
00:42:55,355 --> 00:43:00,360
In the game of life,
it's Kevin 632,
842
00:43:00,402 --> 00:43:03,231
Life 3.
843
00:43:03,275 --> 00:43:05,059
New Belichick Hoodie Day, baby!
844
00:43:05,103 --> 00:43:08,324
Yay-uh!
845
00:43:56,197 --> 00:43:58,592
Oh, um, excuse me.
846
00:43:58,635 --> 00:44:00,942
Is there a therapist
office in here?
847
00:44:00,985 --> 00:44:03,945
Woman: Therapist?
848
00:44:03,989 --> 00:44:05,380
Ah, yeah.
849
00:44:05,425 --> 00:44:07,862
Just, uh, ask for a
wash like Barb gets.
850
00:44:07,905 --> 00:44:09,951
She'll hook you up.
851
00:44:09,994 --> 00:44:11,605
She'll "hook me"...
852
00:44:14,085 --> 00:44:15,652
Oh, it's drugs.
853
00:44:33,887 --> 00:44:35,367
One sec.
854
00:44:48,076 --> 00:44:50,775
Shit.
855
00:44:50,818 --> 00:44:52,601
Shit.
856
00:45:02,786 --> 00:45:05,572
On the next "Kevin
Can Himself".
857
00:45:05,614 --> 00:45:06,896
Kevin and Alison
together forever.
858
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,880
Seeing you again makes
me feel a little guilty.
859
00:45:09,923 --> 00:45:11,751
Oh, yeah?
860
00:45:11,795 --> 00:45:13,773
You got a special occasion
you want to look nice for?
861
00:45:13,797 --> 00:45:16,148
Jenn, this is Alison.
Alison, my wife, Jenn.
862
00:45:16,190 --> 00:45:18,063
We've actually met before.
863
00:45:18,106 --> 00:45:20,500
We're in that mutually assured
destruction territory now.
864
00:45:21,936 --> 00:45:23,260
What the hell's been
going on with you?
865
00:45:23,284 --> 00:45:24,590
Something in me just snapped.
58709
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