All language subtitles for Escape-from-Area-51_2021_English-ELSUBTITLE.COM-ST_62030241

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

We have received
a request to visit Earth.

Beware because Earth is not a
part of the galactic conglomerate.

It can be a violent place

or a place of many wonders.

And it's not just
for anal probing anymore.

Or maybe a reason
for the cows-loos.

Beautiful,

sexy,

cow-loos.

Whatever your purpose,

you'll need to transform
your identity.

The earthlings
are the scary and horrible.

Stupid earthlings.

You must choose a form
that is more familiar to them.

Or your trip will not go well.

Krep-Nu to you,
and travel well.

We're not... We're not
actually gonna go far with this.

We're just gonna jump the fence,
we're gonna take our pictures.

- We're gonna GPS it, screenshot it, and we're...
- Wait.

We're not sneaking in.

- Bro, we're sneaking in.
- No, we are sneaking in

I know you didn't put on
tin-foil to not sneak in.

Bro, the guy who made the
Area 51 page is a pussy, bro.

I think they just changed it
last minute to a music festival.

Guys, I think this is it.

Oh, we're here.

Oh, yo,
we're fuckin' here.

What if I just drive through?

Why are you driving
so fuckin' close, bro?

- Wait. Is it if I step over there?
- No, hell no.

- No, no, no, no.
- Yo, bro, get back in the car!

One of the fuckin' alien is out!

- That's gotta be a cow.
- Do you know where Area 50...

Sir?

I'm not the only one
seeing that, right?

Do you fuckin' see
that shit, bro?

What the fuck?

Right there, bro. What is that?

Someone's calling me...

- I don't have any service.
- Does anyone have service?

I left my phone in the...

And so it begins.

Area 51 weekend.

Earnest here,
with Earnest's video log.

Vlog. Vlog?

It kinda sounds like crap,
doesn't it?

What about...

Earnest's video diary?

Yeah, that's much better.

I'm starting this vlog

to document something major.

This weekend, I'm going
to the Area 51 raid.

Now, is it for the hopes of becoming
an alien fighting Will Smith?

No, it's much more major
than that.

And I'm not going alone.

That's right.

I'm going with Molly.

And Jason. But Molly
is the important one.

This weekend, I'm finally gonna
tell her how I feel.

It's gonna be my moment
of man-up,

be bold, and be honest.

Oh, crap. There she is.

Hey, Molly,
lemme get your luggage.

How the hell did this happen?

When the activist
knocked out our power,

it killed the containment
system for a few seconds.

Unfortunately, that was enough.

How does some hippy,
tree-hugging activist

knock out an entire mil spec
security system

and power grid?

These will come in handy.

Over there.

- What is it?
- Vault 237.

The energy signature.

It could be her.

Watch my back.

Freeze!

Or what?

This tranquilizer can put down
a baby elephant.

So?

Thanks for the hospitality.

Whoo-wee!

Look what the cat drug in.

It's a pussy!

A cat? Seriously?

I don't know
what gave you that idea.

You want some dick?

Your name is "Dick?"

No, it's Dave.

Nice spandex.

Okay, out of my way, Dave.

I'm on a mission
to save the galaxy.

- Ooh, that's hot.
- Oh, no, thanks.

Sorry, I left my wallet in space.

Ooh, all right, missy,
you're in for it.

Kill 'em.

I have two hands.

This is only on
like four or five.

It goes to 11.

I'm dying.

I need to
get that girl pregnant.

Run.

Bye-bye, Earth.
Thanks for the good times.

Take me home.

I have detected
Sheera's energy signature.

It's about time.

I'm coming for you, Sheera.

Follow her.

As you wish, Admiral Sklarr.

I think I have something.

Where is this?

Northern perimeter. Sector D-3.

Bingo.

Hey, everybody.

Mark your calendars.

'Cause it has finally happened.

Everything I predicted
has finally come true.

When I was a kid,
growing up in Nevada,

my mom was married
to an asshole...

A supposed "scientist"

abducted me.
He took me to what I know

was Area 51

where they put me in a lab,

strapped me to a table,

drugged me,

and implanted a chip
in my brain.

This is Curly G.

And this is the Curly G Show.

Today's show isn't about comedy.

It's not about who my family is.

There's something personal
going on here.

There's aliens.
They're coming for me!

Why?

Because I have
royal blood, okay?

I... I don't know.
Is it my DNA they want?

Is it my loved man juice?
I don't really know.

Oh, yeah!

I'm going to Area 51.

And I'm wearing a backpack,

and I'm wearing a vest.

Aliens are real!

We're not the only ones here!

Get it through your heads!

Curly G warned you.

Curly G out.

Aliens are real.

I don't know how many more
of these videos I have to do...

to get the word out there
and let everybody know

what's true.

I got this shirt from an
alien tour a few years ago

where I got to meet
the interloper,

the Alien Warrior Comedian.

They're in different forms.

I understand some are cats.

And I...

I think it's trying
to assimilate me.

Oh, God.

If I was to look directly at it,

it would start to assimilate...

my body.

I don't have a cat.

All of a sudden out from behind
the hills

came a big lion, just rising up.

And I said
what the hell is that?

Old Billy Bob,
he got a little bit afraid

seeing that happen, one of them there tractor
beams came shooting out of that ship.

And they took Old Billy Bob.

So, you come back
to your old buddy

and you beware

and we're gonna keep reporting

every sighting of the big E

And, now, we gotta
look for them grays

and all them other alien types.

And I'll keep reporting
the news to you.

You take care!

Worst... raid... ever.

I can't believe we failed.

Well, of course, we failed.

How are we going to beat
the government?

Mol, the rest of the crowd
took us a little more seriously

as opposed to treating it like some
sort of off-season birding, man,

then maybe this would've worked.

Would you like to go back
and try again?

Are you serious, Molly?

- Jason?
- Earnest.

Oh, yeah, that's a great idea!

Maybe this time
we can actually get arrested.

Ooh! Or get an anal probe if
they're partnering with the aliens.

- Are you into that?
- What's so funny?

Aliens?

I mean, come on,
there's no such thing as aliens.

Not true.

Statistically speaking,
there should be about...

I think 3,000 intelligent races

within in a 30-year flight plan.

Yeah, but those are just stats.

I mean... Where's the proof?

Thirty years in the spaceship?

No, thank you.

They can come to us.

Is it too early
to start drinking?

Commander.
Are you there, Sheera?

Yes, Kyra.

Did you retreat the device?

What do you think?

Preparing extraction plan now.

Oh, no.

What is it?

They followed me.

Sklarr?

I think so.

It's charging
some kind of device.

The energy signature...

Kyra?

Kyra, are you there?

I think that was
a person... once.

What a horrible way to die!

I wish we had that filmed.

For scientific purposes,
of course.

Of course.

Do you think she did it?

Can you think of anything else
that would do that?

Not unless something else
escaped from our lab.

Let's go.

What was that?

I... I don't know.
A meteor, maybe?

Oh, come on. That seems
a little coincidental.

It's pretty close, though.

Let's go check it out.

Make it night.

Day.

- Night.
- Day.

- Night.
- Day.

You still got it.

I think it's this way.

I hope
there's some of the meteor left.

You think
we could sell it?

Or collect it.
I don't have one of those.

Screw that.
I could just use the cash.

- For what?
- Replica collectibles.

Not worthless rocks.

Molly.

Wow.

Uh, it's okay.
We're not gonna hurt you.

Yeah, we're harmless.

Do I look worried?

Where am I?

Just outside of Groom Lake.

I need the coordinates.

Uh, -115.798936

by 37.276675.

How do you know that?

Of course.

Okay, thank you.

Oh, no.

I'm on a mission

to save the galaxy.

I think she has a pulse.

Hey, maybe she needs
mouth-to-mouth.

No.

Perv.

Okay, maybe you're right.

No means no.

Whoa.

She really can
take care of herself.

Come on. Let's see
if we can move her.

We can't just leave her here.

I've got a bad back.

Seriously?

Ugh, fine, I'll try.

Oh!

What kind of ritual is this?

Ah, I think I should
investigate further.

Hello.

Hi.

What's your costume?

Costume?

Ooh, a method actor?

Oh.

Well, she doesn't look like
she's from around here.

Nah. And I've definitely
never seen an outfit

like that before.

What the fudge
happened to the sky?

So her last words were
"Mission to save the galaxy."

What if she's not from Earth?

So we just made first contact
with an alien lifeform?

I mean, that's why we're here,
isn't it?

I think whoever tried to get in,
something or...

someone got out.

Maybe we could sell her.

Sell her back to the government.

Maybe there's a reward.

Ah, no.

That is definitely
human trafficking.

Oh, yeah, but, by the way,
you put it

- she's not even a human.
- Oh!

The bottom line is,
what do we do with her?

I say we leave her here
and head home.

I say I take her home with me.

I'm sure my mom
would be cool with it.

You guys can do
whatever you want.

But I'm not leaving here or her

until I know exactly
who or what she is.

Mmm.

That was my lunch.

Oh, this is good. Are there more?
Can we get more? They're so yummy.

What happened to our daylight?

It's three in the afternoon,
and it's dark.

Mmm. No, that's Sklarr.

He controls the day
and the night.

He can turn day into night,
night into day.

Night into night.
Can I get more cake?

Mmm.

What the...

What do you call this?
It... feels so good.

It's called dancing.

Mmm.

Oh, it feels like

I'm in a maiden pod...
Or seed collection.

Are you a virgin?

What's a virgin?

No. No. No.

No. No. No.

Yes. Yes.

Yes. No, no.

No.

You have made me harvest my seed
without permission.

It's a crime in my world.

Well, we're not
on your world, are we?

Uh, no. No, no. We're not.
As if...

If this is your... Oh, my God.

This is a custom I suppose
I should learn

if I'm to conquer your world.

Does that include spanking?

So, how many times in a night
can you harvest your seed?

Oh, well, my personal best
is 206.

I'm not trying to beat
your personal best.

- Okay.
- Hey!

Where do you think
you're going with my girlfriend?

All because I gave you
a handjob

doesn't mean
I'm your girlfriend, Jerry.

Well, you're picking a really bad
time to break up with me, then.

What are you, some kind of
wannabe Darth Vader?

It's not even a good
Darth Vader costume.

I mean, did your mommy buy an
off-brand one from Big Lots?

Good one.

Seriously, dude. You're not
leaving this party with my girl.

Or her friend.

So,

what happens now?
Do I shoot first

or do one of you have the guts

to make the first move?

Do I look scared to you,
Big Lots blaster?

- You did that joke already.
- It's a callback.

Cool ray gun.

Is he dead?

Oh, no, no. It's set to stun.

Look, maybe we got off
to a bad start here,

I'm, uh, not looking
for a confrontation.

I'm simply trying to find
my travelling companion.

Maybe you could help me
find her.

"Her?"

What the actual fucker.
Are you married?

No, it's not like that.

It's not like that at all.

I'm hunting her. Like an animal.

I hate these misogynist freaks.

Let's get 'em.

Run!

What are you doing?

I'm shooting for the Gram.

You'll probably go viral.

I'm... I'm kind of like
an influencer.

What's your hashtag?

I've won 360,000 followers.

I usually charge for this.

This Gram thing cannot be good.

I have to rethink my plan.

Text me.

He was cute.

Hello, I'm Sklarr.

You may know me from my many
interstellar accomplishments,

such as the Ram Blood
Colony Extinctions.

I don't like to brag,

but I do have over 6,000
anal probings to my credit,

that is 6,000 anal probings
that I performed on other...

I've never actually been probed.

Just wanna get... clear that up.

My idea of a perfect date? Hmm.

Well, I do like to pack
a travel pod

with a Koondorp offspring

and whisk off to the lava storms
of Me Clan

to listen to the mind screams.

Or perhaps a day trip to
the Roomrod asteroid belt

for some radiation burns.

A lot of my friends
are content to just stay home

and cover themselves
in borp feces

and watch the dust clouds.

Not me.

I like to get up

and enjoy life.

No more mating pods
for this guy.

I'm just looking for that
special someone

to enjoy life with,

and have adventures

and eventually, to do the...
To do the dancing.

I really like dancing.

Come find me.

I don't think he's from
around here.

Really, Henry?

Which one of your degrees
did you use

to come to that conclusion?

Obviously, he's a new player.

I recognize that clearing.

Let's head west.

Grab the electromagnetic scanner
from the truck.

It's underneath the furry
unicorn costume.

I'm from another planet,
another universe, in fact.

My species has found
that simplicity

is the safest way to live.

Right on. Peace and love.

Yes, that's us.

We are a peaceful race.

But when pushed,
we can defend ourselves.

- Yeah.
- Noted.

And we work with our planet
instead of against it.

Symbiosis between the two
has provided us

with great prosperity
and unmatched power.

The planet itself has come up
with a way to keep out invaders.

How?

It's a natural biological agent
that causes them to become ill,

even with their protective
bio suits.

And it makes
their weapons unusable.

How does that work?

We haven't been able
to figure that out,

but we have been able to
harness it and use it off world.

So how did you get here?

I had a spaceship,

but it was destroyed in a crash.

And I was captured
by your military.

Recently, when there was
a loss of power,

I managed to escape.

I may have done that.

Excuse me?

I think you were being held

in a research lab
called Area 51.

We think that they're holding
a lot of extra-terrestrials.

They are.

Right on.

Who's chasing you?

Chasing me?

When you crashed...

or did you just forget how to
drive your ship?

I did not forget
how to drive my ship.

His name is Sklarr.

Who's Sklarr?

The bad guy, obviously.

He's part of
the Andovian Empire.

They control most
of our planetary system,

but not my planet... yet.

Well, better get comfortable

'cause you don't have a ship.

I have this.

360,000 followers?

It's impossible.

I'm going to kill her.

I will show her an influencer.

Damn it, where's my weapon?

I'll use my axe.

This is a bio info pod.

I retrieved it from
your Area 51.

That was the real purpose
of my mission.

They recovered it from
a previous crash here on Earth.

- Roswell?
- That's the one.

It contains plans
to Sklarr's ship,

a map of my
home planet's defenses,

60,000 songs and 25,000 videos
you call movies.

It's an iPod.

No, it's a bio info pod.

Can your iPod do this?

Apart from him,
there are four other officers.

Hey, wait up.

What is that?

Bad guy's gun.

Patrick?

- And that's what I'm up against.
- Hm.

Why does this guy Sklarr
hate you so much?

He has a score to settle.

I wounded him
and he never forgot it.

His plan is to take me back
to his home planet

and have me publicly
executed as an example.

Sounds like a pretty
dangerous man.

He's not a man.

He's part humanoid
and part nanotechnology.

I wounded him last time.

I can kill him this time.

Can he invade our planet?

He probably doesn't have
the troops

or the firepower with him.

Probably?

He does have
the Starburst weapon.

And what is the Starburst
weapon?

It's a weapon capable
of emitting a radioactive burst

that can destroy
all life on a planet.

Right.

That doesn't sound too good.

No, and after
they kill everyone,

they strip the planet
of its resources

and anybody who's left alive,

is turned into a slave
or used for breeding.

Well, I guess
that's something.

No, no, in my world,

sex for pleasure
is a thing of the past.

The breeding pods
give very little pleasure

and are only used on slaves.

- Oh.
- So, you've never had sex?

No, I haven't.

Well, what a coincidence!

We have so much in common.

Sklarr!

Leave as soon as you can.

He will capture or kill you
if he finds you,

especially since
you were helping me.

I'll track him.

I knew this was a bad idea.

What are you doing?

I'm getting the hell
out of here.

We can't just leave her.

Well, watch me.

Oh, so you're running too?

We're out of our league here.

I... I mean, this is between her
and the ones up there.

- No.
- The bad ones.

The ones up there
can destroy us.

You heard her.

Molly, we don't know
if that's true.

Okay. So how do you
explain that?

Static electricity?

I'm not going anywhere.

It's always the women
who are willing to sacrifice

for the good of all.

Hey!

They're really trying
their best.

- Thank you.
- That wasn't a compliment.

We could use more weapons

and possibly
an interstellar comm unit.

Okay, I have no idea
how to do that,

but, at least
I'm willing to try.

So, are you in or out?

Fine, I'll go.

What?

Uh, fine.

I'll go.

This is the last time I'm gonna
listen to the both of you.

I'll work on that.

I've got him.

Hello, Sklarr. Are you okay?

I was in battle with a...
129 earthlings.

They rushed me,

and did get my weapon,

but in the end,
I emerged victorious, of course.

Do you need additional troops?

Uh, no, no.

Uh, just another dissolver.

The battle's almost won.

Once we find Sheera

and the stolen plans,
we can return home.

Oh, I am feeling
a little peckish.

Send a snack, will you?

Yes, Admiral.

Oh.

Mm.

Mm.

I've got a lock.

The source of that noise
is about a mile behind us.

Should we call for backup?

Not this time.

Jerry, the dweeb loser.
Where's your girlfriend?

Oh, you...
You have a ray gun now?

It's not a toy, Bryce.

You're the same loser you were
in high school.

School is out forever.

NPC Clone number three.

Prepare the interrogation.

Help, help!

That was a lot of screams.

The festival?

Well, that doesn't make sense.
Why would Sklarr attack a party,

especially if I'm not there?

But what if it's not Sklarr?

Let's check it out.

Yes, Admiral?

Did you launch an attack?
I hear dissolvers.

We're not attacking, Admiral.

Scan the area.
Send me the results.

Stop.

This is great. I could
kill everyone with this.

Give me that.

Idiot!

I'm here for Sheera.

You puny Earthlings
are irrelevant.

What'd she do?

Don't bother me
with your questions.

Take me with you.

Where?

To your planet.

Why?

Because I hate it here.

I could be of use to you,
tell you all about Earth.

You would help us
to conquer your own planet?

Yes.

How well do you know this land?

I know it.

I see.

Well, then hang on to this.

You may need it.

This is for stealing it.

You may go.

But Vice Admiral,

the Admiral told me
to stay with the prisoner.

I'm the ranking officer
on this ship.

You may go.

I don't want there
to be any witnesses

to what I'm about to do.

Yes, sir.

It's okay.
I'm here to rescue you.

- What?
- Sheera's father Klak-Nu

saved my father's life
at the battle of Greep-Nur.

I'm repaying a debt.

Where is Sheera?

She's alive and on Earth.

Sklarr is there as well,
attracting her.

We need to help her.

And we'll do that
by taking control of the ship.

There are three other guards
besides me.

- Get me a weapon.
- In time.

But first, we need to fake
a chemical interrogation.

Trust me.

Looks like someone gave up
on the party.

Oh, just take what you can
that's not damaged.

Some of this looks like
it's worth money.

What's money?

It's stuff you use to buy stuff.

Take what you can
and let's leave.

Done. Go.

She's been here.

And she's wounded.

How can you tell that?

You have low blood sugar.

And a low sperm count.

Okay, I get it.

Where would they be
hiding around here?

There's a cabin up this way.

Wait. We need that door knob.

Earnest, do you still
have the lock picks?

All right.

Voila!

We need to contact
Sklarr's ship.

- How are you gonna do that?
- With this.

It's a comm unit.

I need to modify it,
make contact

and convince him
to let us aboard.

Us?

Yes. There are only
five crew members aboard.

If we can overpower them,
all our problems are solved.

Don't you think
you should ask us

before taking us
on your suicide mission?

This is your chance for glory.

How would we know that?

Huh? We only know
your side of this story.

Okay? What if
you're the bad guy, hmm?

What if you're the one
who's escaped from prison?

And maybe that's why
this guy's hunting you.

Admit it.

The only reason
you believe her story

is because she's a woman.

Or a lady, or whatever she is.

- That's not true!
- Like hell it isn't.

If this was some sort of guy
or a male,

you'd be a lot more hesitant

and a little more skeptical
like me.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

We've been believing her story
from the very start,

and maybe this Sklarr guy
isn't as bad as she says.

All right, maybe
she's an escaped prisoner

and Earth isn't
in any danger at all.

Right? Maybe this guy
hunting her is a bounty hunter,

or a galactic killer. Who knows?

All I know is I'm not
hopping on some spaceship

and flying to who-knows-where.

Maybe this is a test.

What kind of test?

A test to see what humans do
under different circumstances.

See how we react
to different stimuli.

Okay, Jason,
I know you're a psych major,

but even that's
a little far-fetched.

Why?

Why is that far-fetched?

It's no more crazy
than her story.

Okay, I was wrong
to involve you guys. I'll leave.

No, don't.

Look, I don't know
what's going on,

but what I do know is, I just
heard a bunch of screaming,

and I haven't heard
party noises since.

So who would like/
to test out Jason's theory

and go down to the party?

That's what I thought.

I'll do it.

And if something happens,
then we'll know,

and we'll know not to trust her.

It's not safe.

Maybe it is safe.

Maybe they still have corn dogs.

If I'm not back soon,

then we'll know I was wrong
and she was right.

Earnest vlog...
Video Diary number two.

So this just happened.

I just stood up to Sheera.

Sorry, Sheera is this super hot
alien chick

and why did I stand up to her?
To impress Molly.

And no, I haven't really
made my move yet.

But don't worry. I'm...
I'm going to, all right?

I just need to go down
to this festival

and prove that
nothing bad is happening.

And the screams were just,

I don't know,
people having fun?

And I got to prove
that this Sklarr guy

isn't as bad as she says.

"He's the bad guy."

Allegedly. I mean, aliens?

Come on.

I'm gonna need a gun.

Oh.

Your planet is quite pretty.

You're thinking of the ship?

No. Kyra, my first officer.

She came to rescue me
and got captured.

Huh.

You know, I think
you have every right

to be frightened and confused.

Oh.

I'm a warrior.
I'm not frightened.

Just confused.

- You care about her?
- Of course.

If she's still alive,

she's probably
being tortured right now.

Don't worry.

I'm sure she's a warrior, too.

- Sklarr.
- What do we do?

We prepare to defend ourselves.

But Earnest is still out there.

Sklarr may have
already found him.

That was the sound
of a disassembler.

- Well, that doesn't sound good.
- It isn't.

How long do you think
before this Sklarr guy finds us?

Not long.
We need to set a trap.

With what?

With this.

Bingo.

He's here.

Come out, you won't be harmed.

You could make a deal with me
like your friend here.

He's not my friend.

Then maybe you can
take his place.

What do you say?

Would you like to make a deal?

The female prisoner
has escaped us.

She's not of your world.

I just want to take her
back to our planet

for a nice trial.

Very safe and very fair trial.

No torture, no anal probes.

Just a nice, fair trial.

What did she do?

That is none of your concern.

I'm making it my concern.

Well, she's... She's a traitor.

How about that?

Look up the word "traitor"
in the dictionary,

then you'll see a pretty darn
good description of her.

Funny how
one government's traitor

can be another one's hero.

Ah! So you've met Sheera.

Who do you trust more,
her or me?

You almost had me, asshole.

Look at this place.

What happened to all
the people that were here, huh?

They came looking
for alien life,

and look what they got
in return.

I didn't do this.

Your friend Jerry did.

What?

Why, Jerry?

You know.
You were bullied by them too.

Well, he's not laughing
at either of us anymore.

You're welcome.

Did he make you do this?

Did you do this
to Jerry, Sklarr?

Oh, I didn't
have to do anything.

He's naturally gifted.

Where's Patrick, Jerry?

What do you mean?

You and Patrick
are always together.

Everyone in school knows that.

Did you do it?

Did Sklarr kill him?

No, that was me.
We had a falling out.

I always thought
you had a screw loose.

Hello?

Is one of you is still alive?

That's a very loud weapon.

Loud and effective.

Oh. Is Jerry dead?

- Yep.
- Too bad.

He was quite useful.

At what?

Helping me find you.

Well, that wasn't
one of your weapons.

No, that was a gunshot.

Had to be Earnest.

But we don't have any guns.

No, but Earnest knows
how to use one.

And knowing him, the first thing
he did was manage to find one.

I hope so.

That last one
was a non-lethal blast.

He could still be alive.

Thank you.

But that might not be good news.

Sklarr spared him for a reason.

Like what?

Torture.

That means we might still
have a chance to save him.

Not for long.

Come on,
we have to save Earnest.

It's an impressive
little weapon.

For a human, of course.

It's a bit loud...

for my liking,

but I'm guessing that's
what you're going for, yeah?

Let's see. How does this work?

Please don't.

Then...

tell me where Sheera is.

- Who?
- Ah!

See, now, you...

You're forcing me
to perform a small

yet painful act of violence
on you

to let you know I mean business.

Oh, yeah, that was painful.

I liked that.
Let's try another one,

- the way it was intended.
- No.

Stop.

- Stop.
- Then tell me where she is.

Oh, no.

You're in pain.

Tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm gonna show some mercy

and make it quick.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.

I've seen the plans.

What plans?

Sheera's planet's defenses.

So?

So don't you have a thing
that can, like,

read my mind or something?

I do.

Hmm.

I can't believe
Jerry did all this.

Well, you'd be surprised

what power can do to the mind.

Once he saw
what he could do with this,

he couldn't wait to use it
on his fellow Earthlings.

Yeah, well,
he was bullied a lot.

Here and in high school too.

High school?

Yeah, it's a place
where people go to learn.

Or be tortured.

Oh, yes, yes.

We have such institutions
where I'm from.

But on ours,

we kill the weak
and the useless.

Glad I didn't go there.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Don't go.

He's wounded.

There's nothing more dangerous
than a wounded animal.

You have to look after his leg.

- We have to get him out of here.
- I have to go after Sklarr!

She's right.

Uh... Collect his weapons.

Nice knots.

Untie me.

Dude, I don't know if I can.

Ugh, damn it!

The women on this planet...

First, they take my seed,

and then shoot me in the leg.

If anyone finds out about this,

I'll be the laughing stock
of this galaxy.

Oh, look, a squirrel.

Sklarr's probably calling an
intergalactic Uber right now.

He won't.

Why not?

Because I've wounded him twice.

This is personal.

He wants me dead.

What did you do to my leg?

It was broken. And now it's not.

That's all you need to know.

If he really wanted to harm you,
he would have.

He probably wanted you
for a trophy.

So what do we do now?

I know what I'm gonna do.

Earnest, don't start.

I'm not.

I'm gonna apologize to Sheera.

You were telling the truth
and I didn't believe you.

I'm sorry.

You are a male and you remain
true to your fellow male.

It is what happens
with our people too.

It's always a battle
that never makes any sense.

So we gonna go after him?

- No.
- No?

No. We will remain here
and he'll come to us.

We're much stronger together
than we are apart.

Okay, then we'll stick
to our original plan.

We'll go back to camp
and set up traps.

And if things go sideways,

we'll go with Sheera to the ship
and help her take it over.

When did you become so macho?

I just needed
the right motivation.

Can you walk?

Yeah.

You're pretty good at this.

Okay, let's keep an eye out
for Sklarr.

Hey, it's a brave
new world, buddy.

Tell me about it.

Yes, Admiral Sklarr?

- Do you have her?
- Not yet.

Admiral, may I remind you
of the time.

- We must get...
- Shut it!

I'm aware of what we must do.

Just send me a TS-7 vial
and injection cylinder, please.

Are you injured?

Did I not just ask
for a TS-7 vial

- and injection cylinder?
- Yes.

Of course I'm injured!

I was in a battle
with a very large beast.

Several, actually.

And it injured...
They injured my leg.

Uh, I emerged victorious,
of course.

But I need to replenish
the nanobots in my system.

But the TS-7 is for
emergency priority one,

or combat only.

Should I send down support?

Just... Just send
what I asked for. Please?

I don't need any help
capturing a girl,

who could never injure my leg
in a million years, by the way.

She's traveling
with three humans.

I want you to scan
for life forms

and let me know
when you have their location.

Admiral Sklarr, I presume?

- Hello.
- I knew it.

We don't have much time.

Ooh.

Ah, greetings

to all of my fellow
alien lovers out there.

It is I, Star Meadow,

otherwise known as
Princess Andromeda.

You're joining me here
once again

in my off-grid cabin

where I've been living
for the last seven years

with the sole purpose
of connecting deeper

with our brothers and sisters
from outer space.

And I have some
exciting news for you.

Once again, I, Star Meadow,

otherwise known as
Princess Andromeda,

was visited last night

by our alien friends.

I was chosen to be the vessel

within which new life
will be brought forth.

Not human life, not alien life,

but a blend.
A beautiful, beautiful blend!

Last night, the captain
took me aboard the ship,

and I am now carrying his child.

I don't recall
the actual insemination.

But there is no doubt
that I am pregnant.

You know,
this kind of reminds me

when my dad
used to take me hunting.

He always got pissed 'cause
I was never really that into it.

Oh, me too.

My dad always wanted
a tough guy for a son,

but ended up with me.

Who knows? They probably would
have been happier with daughters.

We both did okay out there.

You faced up to Sklarr.
And got rid of Jerry. I...

Who knows how many more
he would have killed, man?

Yeah, that's what worries me.

The same thing happened to us.

I mean, we were bullied,
just like he was.

We... We don't all handle it
the same way.

Maybe having dads
is what mattered for us.

Yeah.

How long do you think we have?

Have until what?

Come on.
Until that Sklarr guy kills us.

Sheera wounded him twice.
We have a chance.

You know,

if she gets stranded here,

we could get a lot of money
for that crystal.

Man, that's always your angle,
isn't it?

What about
the rest of the world?

Why?

They get the plans,
they'll save the world

and we get rich.
What's wrong with that?

Come on.

I'm Dr. Jill Landress.

Oh.

I assumed that.

I've enjoyed our conversations.

Am I what you pictured?

Oh, my God.

Better.

When does the invasion begin?

As soon as we get rid of
the one person who can stop it.

Did you find them yet?

Yes, Admiral.

I'm sending the location
to you now.

Perfect.

You have a cute laugh.

So, how are you feeling?

I feel good.

What's wrong?

I don't know. It just...
It seems so unrealistic

that with only a few minutes
of training,

I'm gonna help take down
an intergalactic badass?

It hasn't been
just a few minutes.

How young were you
the first time you felt tough?

I always felt tough.

Exactly.

You may not realize this, but you've
been training for this your whole life.

And this may be your moment.

Your moment.

And after this,
nothing will be the same.

Just remember
Sklarr's part nanotech

and full of surprises.

So let's just be prepared
and not take him for granted.

We got this.

This is a nerve agent.

I'm going to inject you
with a few drops.

You will feel pain
like you've never felt.

The pain will dissipate.

If you tell me the truth,
I'll end things quickly.

If not, I'll inject you
with a few more drops,

and then a few more,

and once
I've drained the syringe,

it will be too late for you

and you will be dead.

Are we clear?

Hold her arm down.

Well, that was truly horrible.

Better him than you.

Well, we're committed now.

There are two other guards
to take out on this ship.

Then we'll grab Sheera
and go home.

What about Sklarr?

Strand him on Earth.

We can't do that.
He'll destroy this planet.

This planet is an isolated
speck in the galaxy.

No planet is an isolated speck
in the galaxy.

You know that.
It's all intertwined.

Well, then you better hope
Sheera takes care of him

before he summons
the battle cruisers.

Wait.

Battle cruisers?

I have ships positioned
throughout the galaxy.

This trip was meant
to be a recon

and to get rid of the obstacle.

She does not seem to be
that big of an obstacle.

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Even she hasn't realized
her full potential.

You can destroy her, right?

Yeah.

Don't worry,
I will emerge victorious.

Oh, in case you guys
didn't know,

I feel a tad defenseless
compared to you guys.

You're our backup.

If this goes well,
you shouldn't see any combat.

Yeah, I'm not gonna see
any combat

'cause my eyes are gonna be
closed the whole time.

- Quiet, you!
- Ha.

Don't run.

He's deliberately
making his presence known.

It's a battle tactic designed to
terrorize the enemy and make him flee.

Yeah, I'm not gonna flee,

but I'm gonna shit myself,
if that's all right.

- Earnest!
- Sorry.

Oh... fuck!

No, no. Don't move! Don't move!

Okay, video log...
I mean, uh...

Earnest Di...

Whatever. Number three.

I was wrong
about everything, okay?

Sklarr is a bad guy
and super dangerous.

Sheera is actually
a good alien.

And Molly doesn't like me
like that, so...

Well, there goes Earnest.

Follow me.

Make it night.

- Sklarr!
- Oh, Sheera.

Love your suit.

This ends now!

Yes. Yes, it does.

Because I'm going to take that
home with me

and then use it to destroy
your wretched little planet.

Not today.

No, no. Technically,
it'd be tomorrow

because of the time difference
and all.

Oh, funny.

Let's settle this like men.

Dance off!

You don't have the power
to stop me.

Are we having fun yet?

Are we having fun yet?

Are we having...

Are we to believe

we're getting up?

I need the fuel to fight.

Tomorrow becomes today.

Shining the light.

Memory trance.

You know, it's hard.

Just another day.

And more. And more.

And more.

Admiral Sklarr,

you have fallen at the hands
of our great warrior, Sheera.

Because you are
a worthy opponent,

I'll perform
the ritual of Gregara

to cleanse your essence.

Then you will be welcomed
into the next realm

of Secara and eternal peace.

But first, some gifts

to commemorate your strengths
as a warrior.

Crystals from the mines
of Me Clan

to help show you your way.

I'll just put this here.

Some nourishment
for your journey.

Well, it'd end up here anyway.

And an arm of Langdor

to help you record
your journey.

And we're down
to your final gift,

a full makeover.

Looking a little ashy.

Is this all that's left of him?

Pretty much.

Who are you?

I'm Venaka.

From the Galactic Council.

I've been placed here to keep
an eye on the humans' Area 51.

Were you aware of my mission
to retrieve the orb?

Of course.

My race is clairvoyant.

I'm here to make sure
that you stay safe

until the designated time.

Holy shit!

Area 51 is run by aliens.

Can you help me get home?

You won't need
my help for that.

Put your hands down.

I just saved your lives.

Where's Kyra?

She's taking the bridge.

NPC clone. NPC clone.

NPC clone.

- Kyra!
- Sheera!

- Thank God you're alive!
- Thank God.

- You're okay. I was so worried.
- Me, too.

Do you how to fly this ship?

Oh, yeah. It's, uh...
It's a T-89.

Wrong. It's a T-69.

- She's got it.
- Same difference.

Fine. Everyone, man a station.

You mean, woman a station.

Don't make me sorry I saved you.

Who's this?

Oh, new friend from Earth.

She helped kill Sklarr.

You know, don't worry.
She's one of us.

Bad-ass.

Vice Admiral, what about
Sklarr's warships?

Sklarr ruled with fear.

And his soldiers
were his slaves.

Once news of his death spreads,
a truce will be negotiated.

Now let's get out of here.

Full speed ahead.

- Where are we?
- We're home.

Thank you all.

I'm sorry we had to meet
under such circumstances.

So this is space.

This is space.

Is it true that your planet
is governed by females?

Yes, but we're more
what your past ancestors

would call a commune.

We live in harmony with nature

and we care for our planet
as it cares for us.

Sounds wonderful.

You know, why...
Why did you help us?

Help me.

Your father saved his father
at the Battle of Greep-Nur.

My father wasn't a warrior.

- What?
- He was a farmer.

Ah, hands down.

I know what they can do.

Thank you.

This is exactly what I need
to turn things around

and make it a special success.

But you didn't know
my hands could do that, bitch.

Nice one.

Let's get out of here for real.

You're shaking.

Are you reconsidering
your decision?

No, it's... It's not that.

It's the friends you lost.

I don't know. I guess it's just
all hitting me right now.

It's gonna take time
for that to pass.

And sometimes it never does.

You're one of us now.

Too soon.

Hi. Most of you know me as
Dr. Jill Landress from Area 51,

but really, I'm Venaka
from the Galactic council.

I was hoping to broker a peace
between Sheera and Sklarr,

but that didn't work out.

So I'm going to launch
an invasion of Earth.

If any of you aren't dead or
turned inside out when it's over,

I'd love to be your friend.

Bye. Thanks for watching.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull