All language subtitles for Astro-Loco-2021-1080p-WEBRip-x264-YTS.MX -YIFY-English

Good afternoon, crew.

I trust that you're
enjoying a pleasant flight

to our destination
Jovian moon Callisto,

Princess of Arcadia.

As we peer off starboard,

we are rewarded with an
impressive view of Themisto,

daughter of the river god
Inachus and lover of Zeus.

Zeus has no time for his
lover right now, Hetfield.

I am busy building
Mount Olympus.

But the view really is worth it.

Uh-huh.

Possession!

You lose everything

because you don't see
yourself as a winner.

Here we go.

Yes, Sebastian.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm not finished winning
my possessions back.

Yes... here we go.

You especially, could benefit

from this motivational tool work.

And that begins with a team
building exercise, everyone.

Come on. Up.
Gather 'round.

Come on, come on, come on.

Gather 'round. Up.

So, it's pretty
straightforward you see.

I close my eyes, and you
catch me when I fall.

Are you ordering
us to catch you?

No Dasha, I trust
that you will catch me.

So it's not an order then?

No. It's a trust exercise.

And you Sebastian,
you'll be next.

Okay then.

I must advise

against this course
of action, Odd.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

What the shit, guys?

I think I'll skip my turn.

Very funny.

And what about me?

Should I have some sort
of trust issues now? Hmm?

Yeah, okay.

No, Dasha.

It's not okay.

My successful astronaut career

could come to an
end just like that

because you guys find it amusing
to watch me break my back.

Maybe it is already over,
because I now have developed

some sort of irrational
fear of gravity.

Barophobia.

What?

It's the fear of gravity.
Barophobia.

Bullshit!

Not bullshit. Barophobia!

I smell bullshit, Lucien.

Barophobia is the
correct word, Odd.

Oh, please. What's so funny?

No, it just getting
very emotional, Odd.

Well, forgive me for showing

that I'm a real
guy with feelings.

Unfortunately, we can't be
all cold superficial bitches

that are here just because
of our great looks!

What?

I don't know if I'm cut out

for this job anymore.

Don't worry about it,
your nuts are too tight.

But I burned breakfast
this morning.

Ha! See, burning breakfast.

You're less of a machine
than you thought you were.

Wait, so you're telling me
I need to burn more meals?

What do you see?

Does this mean you
think I've gone mad?

No, it's just an exercise.

I've probably gone mad.

What do you see?

A Rorschach inkblot test.

I see. Now give me
an intuitive answer.

No, I understand
what you're asking

but I'm just, I'm
not sure I can comply.

Look at the pattern

and compare it against
what data you can

but don't analyze the process.

I can try.

That's the spirit!
What do you see?

Well, come on!

A cockroach.

What do you see this time?

It's a cockroach.

Nurse, cancel my one o'clock.

It's all the same thing.

Is there a problem, Dasha?

The food on this space craft

nothing to do with real food.

I'm a human being

and I prefer black caviar
and vodka instead.

What the burning smell?

Did I ruin them?

No, no, quite the opposite.

That's very clever, Hetfield,
and kind of charming.

Magnitude of compensation
for total perturbation?

2.1 meters per second.

Axial component?

1.8 meters per second.

And the lateral component
is 0.3 meters per second.

Correct.

Hetfield, speaking
of perturbation,

What did you think of
Odd's performance today?

The incident taught me
that I need to evolve.

Taught me that Odd is
turning into a dickhead.

Bigger one than usual.

TCM Two Bravo complete.

Execution error?

Less than 1%.

Chick chick boom!

If I'm to cope

with the continuous shifting
social dynamics on board Araya,

then I must improve my
human interaction skills.

Don't give yourself
a hard time, Hetfield.

You're doing just fine.

Case in point,

a harmless lie to
make me feel better.

Ouch! I was being sincere.

Odd bothers me too, brother

I mean, I don't know if I can handle

another four years under his command.

Any reason in particular?

He's become so, corporate,

just like those
pencil-pushing goons

in charge of this whole operation.

Maintaining a chain
of command is paramount

to the success of the
Callisto mining project, Rex.

Don't worry your sweet
little circuits, Hetfield,

I'm not planning a
mutiny or anything.

We have a lot in common, Rex.

You're a machine at
times. No offense.

None taken, brother.

I mean, I worked hard to
become a machine I am today.

How do you balance
precision and discipline

with a sense of humanity?

Sharp instincts.

Explain?

Take these trajectory
correction maneuvers

we just performed, right.

Why do you even need me here?

I mean, you have complete
control over the thrusters

and the rockets, right?

Fully automated decision
support systems

are proven to be flawed.

Correct.

Because computers don't
have that human touch

That... animal instinct,
gut feel, je ne sais quoi.

I mean, you ever get a
hunch about anything?

So I'd be more effective

if I developed
instincts and hunches?

Okay, Hetfield.

Close your eyes.

How far from Callisto do you
feel, do you sense that we are?

5 million, 624 thousand,

277 kilometers.

Approximately.

That's close enough.

I look forward to meeting
that base camp crew

when we get there.

Wouldn't it be
great if they built

like, a dance hall or something?

Are we finished here, Rex?

Why, am I boring you?

On the contrary, it's just that

I have an appointment that
requires all my attention.

Sebastian, I must remind you

that I am spending valuable
time on this exercise

and that I have
deactivated multitasking

with all other crew members.

Please proceed with
the meditation lesson.

All right, so just...

so just take a deep breath.

I cannot breathe,
I'm a computer.

Man, do you have
to be so literal?

Jesus, what are you
German or something?

My complex humor array

was manufactured in Dusseldorf,

but my many other components
originated from all over-

Do you have a breathing
equivalent or something?

My cooling systems are
active at all times

but I do not respire.

Can you just make a breathing
noise or something?

Yeah, make it louder.

Can you put some reverb on that?

Whoa!

Oh.

Okay, okay, that's too much.

It's starting to trip me out a bit

Can you just chill
out a little bit now?

My internal cooling system keeps

my central core at the optimum
stable operating temperature

of 395 degrees Kelvin.

You ever notice how when you
ask someone to chill out

they don't chill out?

396 Kelvin.

Like, you're just gonna
ask someone to chill out

and they automatically lower
their core temperature?

You know. What is
the deal with that?

397 Kelvin.

All right, the counting's
freaking me out, all right.

Can we just...

We'll add a mantra, that
might help things, all right.

So just...

Om...

400 degrees Kelvin!

All right, okay, okay.

We'll join in together, all right?

We'll do it together.

Om...

Come on, Hetfield.
Gotta join in, man.

- Om...
- Om...

- Om...
- Ah ya...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what happened there?

Are you enlightened now?

That was an external disturbance

I have not ascended,
I can assure you.

It was something
external to the ship.

I gotta terminate this session
and notify the commander.

Odd, please don't stay out
there longer than you need to.

We have no idea why it blew up.

And without a working
isoflux antenna,

we won't ever know, will we?

Because nobody else here
is a competent engineer.

It's all up to me, as usual.

This might do wonders for my
acute baraphobia, mind you.

And when I'm done, then,

for this crew's amusement,
maybe I should just float away.

You know what, just
be very careful.

Do you see anything
out of the ordinary?

Just a spectacular
view of Themisto.

It almost appears to be glowing.

I'll take your word for it, Odd.

Until I regain X-band telemetry,
I'm partially blind.

We'll have you back to
normal in just a tick.

Unmounting isoflux antenna.

Isoflux antenna is online!

Initiating calibration sequence.

We should have eyes in
approximately two minutes.

I'm detecting an
increased heart rate.

Please respond.

So beautiful.

What's out there, Odd?

Commander Odd, please respond!

I must enter.

Odd? Odd!

What a rush!

Oh, I feel good.

- Odd, you really scared me.
- Totally rad!

What happened out of there?

Hetfield?

How's the new isoflux
antenna functioning?

It's functioning perfectly.

What happened out there, Odd?

Oh! It was good to get
out and about, you know?

I feel good.

What did you seen out of there?

Jupiter! And lots of stars.

Yeah, I feel fantastic!

What did you see
that was beautiful?

Life!

Life's good, man.

Dasha.

What?

I'm sorry I said that you were here

just because of your great looks.

I was insensitive,

and I was wrong.

Okay...

Well, appreciate
that you saying that.

And I appreciate you.

I appreciate all of you.

I don't tell you often enough.

You never tell us at all.

Things will change.

You're smart,

and sexy.

You guys are great.

I just want to say that.

Ah, piss off.

Two years. Two years
I've been up here

and I'm still a perfect
Homo Sapiens specimen.

Go on, punch me in the stomach.

For your own good.

See what it's like to be a man.

You gonna finish that?

Please Rex, be my guest.

I must advise against
cross contamination, Rex.

We inhabit a closed system.

Cross contamination
of what, exactly?

Is someone sick or something?

Microorganisms can be transmitted

through the sharing of
food and beverages.

Do not let your fears
choose your destiny.

Amen to that, brother.

Since when were you afraid of

space cooties phobia
or something?

That's mysophobia.

Mysophobia.

Wouldn't that be like a
fear of mice or something?

There are no mice
on board Araya.

Then what?
What on board?

Okay, you got me.

I have not been entirely
truthful with you.

Yeah? Do tell.

There are mice in the pirozhki.

Was that a joke?

'Cause it sounded like a joke
but it wasn't funny. I mean-

While I'm not capable of truly

appreciating humor in the
same way humans can

I am familiar with
linguistic structures

commonly found in jokes.

My attempt at comedy
was to lighten the mood,

certainly not to
ruin your appetite.

Axial component?

0.9 meters per second.

Making the lateral component
0.7 meters per second.

Correct. TCM Two
Charlie complete.

What was that?

It's possible that
a negligible amount

of unignited propellant
from the short burn

at our current periapsis

registered an escape
velocity calculation error.

No no, that sounded like
a distress beacon alert.

Strange. I'm not
receiving anything.

It's possible that the
new isoflux antenna

requires a minor recalibration
now that it's run in.

Plausible. I guess.

Initiate isoflux
antenna recalibration.

Recalibrating now.

Affirmative! I'm confirming
a false positive.

Execution error for TCM
Two Charlie is less than 1%.

Sweet!

And that's the last of the TCMs

before we arrive at Callisto.

Then we're done here, Rex.

I do believe there's
a game of Possession

about to commence
on the mess deck

if you feel like joining in?

Is a pig's ass pork?

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

This is Petrozza, this is
Petrozza, this is Petrozza.

Mayday. Petrozza.

Mean Jovian orbit radius
5-8-2-3-0-4-7 kilometers

Eccentricity 0.2006

Inclination 47.48 degrees.

Unidentified malfunction.

Unknown number of
persons on board.

Immediate assistance
required. Over.

Petrozza, this is Araya.

Respond. Over.

This is Petrozza,
receiving you. Over.

And what is the nature
of the emergency? Over.

Unidentified malfunction. Over.

Hold your position,
I have a hunch.

Yes. A hunch!

Yes, I have a hunch

that you may be able to
provide vital intelligence.

Adjusting course for
intercept. Over.

Affirmative, Araya.

Maintaining mean
Jovian orbit radius

5-8-2-3-0-4-7 kilometers

Eccentricity 0.2006

Inclination 47.48 degrees.

Over.

Ah, just give me a moment.

Almost...

Hello. Dudbrook reporting here.

Why he's always saying that?

I hope you're all
enjoying your flight.

Shh!

Here in England it's a ripe old

- 46 degrees Celsius.
- Don't shush me.

Shh!

Barry Hunt won the
Davis McCup last week.

Go Barry!

Princess Rhiannon finally
gave birth and it's a boy!

They're naming him Marmaduke

and he's a healthy 2.9 kilograms.

Why we need to listen
about royal family

if we are here?

Do you want me to pause
the video or what?

- No, no, keep going. No, no.
- Oh, no. No, no, go on.

All's well here at HQ,

however, there is some concern
over the falling stock price

due to the fuel shortage.

You fellows will have
to stop drinking it.

Is he funny?

He thinks he's funny, doesn't he.

If stock prices don't
recover shortly

It could result in changes

to the Callisto mission framework.

That's bogus!

Anyhoo, I'll keep you all
updated as I learn more.

Good luck.

Well, I assume that no one
wants to watch that crap again?

They're going to
maroon us out here.

I can feel it.

An unlikely scenario.

The Callisto mining colony is
the company's top priority.

What's the matter, y'all?

Getting soft?

Well, would you like to
record a reply message?

Oh, do I ever.

Set it up and let her roll.

Just give me one moment here.

No, no, take your time.
I gotta...

I gotta think about what to say.

Please Odd, calm down
and think things over.

Dudbrook didn't stipulate any
adverse mission deviations.

Yeah, well, so why'd
he say anything at all?

He just wanna piss us off?

He knows exactly what
he's doing, Rex.

He's just maneuvering
us, like chess pieces.

All right, we're ready in
five, four, three, two...

Hello, Dudbrook.

Commander Odd here,
of the Araya.

The crew and I have had
the pleasure of viewing

your latest video message

and I must say we are
rather displeased.

So I have this
message back to you.

You're a total hestkuk!

Well? Can I get some
support here? Rex?

I just, follow orders, man.

Come on then, Sebastian.
This is your chance.

You don't have to do what
he says, Sebastian.

I'm not afraid of these scumbags.

Dudbrook, you're a hestkuk.

Hestkuk!

Well, I guess that
concludes our broadcast.

Thank you for listening.

And we'll see you again soon.

Lucien?

Yes, Dasha.

Could you recite me some poetry?

- Ooh.
- Ooh.

What? What wrong with that?

Never mind.

Look, really, it's
not my strong suit.

We're consuming too much oxygen.

God help us if some asshole
is not giving us enough air.

I figure we're consuming
more than we should be

by about 20%.

Maybe your calculations
are wrong.

Have you considered
that possibility?

I've checked that
three times already.

That's enough oxygen
for a whole new guy.

Ooh.

So, Sebastian, remind us
again how you got this job

on the most advanced spacecraft
ever built by mankind.

Well, I imagine it was a
very short list of applicants

wanting a one-way
trip to frozen hell

half a billion kilometers
from their home.

For the record, Lucien

the mission brief
specifies a return trip.

You see? Nothing but negativity
floating around here.

- Float, float, float.
- I dunno, man.

Don't mean to criticize

but you're sounding pretty
negative right now.

Don't you get it?

I'm trying to light a
fire in your bellies.

Life is a precious gift
that just keeps on giving.

And it's our responsibility
to give back.

By being the best that we can be.

You might not believe this

but, I used to be
just like all of you.

Maybe not so much like you.

But like all of you,
I was a total failure at life.

Whoa. Easy up, jackass.

Until, I decided to be
the best that I can be.

And with that commitment

I exploded beyond what you think

what I thought,
was humanly possible,

By harnessing the power
of positive thinking

within the human spirit.

So what are you saying?

That is, unlimited human
spirit power is consuming

enough oxygen for two?

I don't think he's getting
enough oxygen at all.

Oh, you can laugh.

But I'm feeling more
alive than ever before.

I'm smarter, stronger...

Bet I could still take
you in an arm wrestle.

I see your bait
and I'm not biting.

I have transcended the
impulses of the ego.

I'm no longer driven by
the pleasure principle.

Fascinating, you know.

How many ancient cultures
from all over the Earth

believed that by
consuming an animal

or a human, or part thereof

that they would absorb
its particular qualities

and strengths.

Why, you little hippy shit!

Guys. Come on.

Stop it.

- You like that?
- All hands on neck.

That is enough. Break it up!

Sebastian, operations
deck, incoming message.

Eat shit, you bag of shit.

I'll have you
court-martialed for this!

Hello. Dudbrook reporting here.

Hello, Dudbrook reporting there.

Unfortunately,
aspects surrounding

the company's market
performance haven't improved.

In fact, they're worse.

- Uh-oh, here we are.
- We anticipate a recovery

but this could take
longer than expected.

Should this be the case,
the company will have no option

but to hand down two
involuntary redundancy packages

to the equivalent
of 13 weeks salary,

plus pro rata long
service and benefits.

Well, I'll be bumfuzzled.

In accordance with
article 204, section 57

of your terms of employment,

selection criteria for
involuntary redundancy

in this particular scenario
will be performance based.

Good luck.

Sebastian, you did send
that last message, yeah?

The one where we called
Dudbrook a hestkuk.

Of course I did.

Oh crap, dude,
you don't think...

Well, if it's performance-based,
that's you two...

forget it.

Odd, be careful, please.

That data bank contains
precious archives.

Well, Dudbrook didn't
seem pissed off though.

That's because he
hasn't seen it yet.

Our message takes about 40
minutes to get to Earth, right?

And his reply will take
40 minutes to get back.

Well, there goes my career!

Great, you've just corrupted

our archive of vintage dubstep.

Oh man, I was just getting
into those golden oldies.

Dubstep blows!

You know, next time I see

that pencil-neck shirt
stuffed desk jockey Dudbrook,

I'm gonna eat his
friggin' face off!

Just for the record,

I didn't wanna say those things,

he made me say them,
you all saw it.

Made me feel dirty.

- Lame.
- Mm.

If two are getting fired

then why didn't Dudbrook say
that they'd be on the flight

back to Earth with the others?

- Screw squash.
- Mm.

Why didn't you recite
Dasha some poetry?

Excuse me?

I mean, I know you
know poetry, so...

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- You know everything else.

Well, it's just that there
was a lot of people around

and it just didn't
seem appropriate.

- Stage fright, huh?
- Ha!

I laugh at death, I kill for a
kiss, and I laugh for a song!

- Say, you wanna dance?
- Don't get me wrong.

No, no. I mean I'm
not a dancing person.

I'm not really good at it,
it's just... no.

Sure you can dance,
I'll teach you.

Oh, no, no, no.

No. No!

Hetfield, dial up a dance
hall and make it zero G.

No!

Slow, slow, Hetfield!

What's the matter with you?

Odd says I got no ambition, huh?

- You? What?
- Always knew I'd make CO.

Ooh.

Ah sorry, I've just
got two left feet.

Unfortunately, they're
from different species.

You know what?

I feel my Spidey senses tingling.

When I get home in
four years' time,

I'll probably make admiral.

Thanks for the dance, old man!

Charming.

No, seems to be something else.

Seems like we'll be spared
Dudbrook's bullshit for today.

It's videos from home.

Oh, of our families!

Oh, it's Ma and Pa!

Hi chickpea!

Hi Momma's sweet pea.

Hope you're having fun up there.

We even done bought a telescope

hopin' we could see ya up there.

Yeah, but we can't see zip with it.

Maybe just a lot of hard-earned
cash down the drain.

But we'll keep trying
anyway, honey.

Love you, pumpkin.

Bye bye, Mama's sweet pecan pie.

Okay, oh, okay, I see
what's going on here.

Well played, Dudbrook!
Well played.

Shh! My message is next.

Dmitri!

Shit, these are short!

Yeah, and heavily edited too.

Am I the only one that can
see what's going on here?

This is such an obvious ploy.

Shut up Odd, here's mine.

Look, look, look, look, look!

Hey mate.

I still don't fully understand
why you're up there in space

but, well, you were
always the bright one.

Fluffy here's doing well.

She caught a snake the other
day, but didn't get bit.

And, oh, Barry Hunt
won the Davis McCup!

What the hell?

Who the hell are these people?

That's really weird.

I don't understand any of this.

Yeah, these are definitely
not my parents.

Chinese government's
in on this for sure.

Ja! My wife, Therese.

This must be my turn to
get all warm and fuzzy.

What hestkuk puts artichoke
on pizza? Imbeciles!

Your wife is very
sexy woman, Odd.

Yeah, Odd.

She is hotter than a
two-dollar pistol.

Shitty artichoke.

I'd eat your wife's
artichoke any day.

It's the company.
It's in my file.

They're the ones supplying
my pizzeria with artichokes.

They want to destroy me.

Zeus turned a young girl
named Cynara into an artichoke.

Hetfield, am I right?

That is correct.

Huzzah!

We've come full circle!

Like Themisto, a moon in orbit.

Themisto, lover of Zeus.

Don't you get it?

Zeus is spying on us.

Yeah, he can see everything.

With his big red eye.

Zeus can see everything
with his big red eye!

I like messages from home.

I think they're sort of nice

and we don't get enough of them.

Sort of nice.

Listen to yourself.

They're bullshit I
tell you, bullshit.

Define bullshit.

Sent to soften us up to their
conspiratorial garbage.

Sebastian here, didn't
even recognize his family.

So maybe those messages are fake.

The more I think about it,
the more it makes sense.

The messages were real.

Oh yeah?

Well, then you're
in on it as well.

They were CGI, or imposters,
or something like that.

Oh, laugh it up!

Then maybe your families
are such stupid cliches

you can't tell them apart
from company fakery.

And you, Lucien

some outback hick with a stupid
mutt that wrestles snakes.

- Please!
- Odd, that's enough.

Rex, where do I even start

with your grassroots,
homespun, hick, hokey-ass,

tobacco spittin',
cowshit eatin', inbred-

I've had about enough of this!

Yes!

Enough!

You wanna know what I think?

Everybody stay calm, please.

Please guys stop it.

They're looking to fire
us from our performance.

Whoa! I might be
off the hook yet.

I've had enough of this
company's redundancy scheme

they're holding over our heads
like the Sword of Damocles.

I have transcended all
emotional limitations

of this human vessel.

Ugh! Quit being a jerk-off!

You're all going to die!

The habitation of
Callisto is forbidden

Before you even reach orbit

we'll have you eradicated
like the vermin you are.

Okay, I've heard enough.

As XO, I'm relieving Odd of
the command of the Araya.

Odd, can you repeat
about Callisto?

- Mutiny!
- 'Cause right now,

you're about as mad as a
mule chewin' on bubblebees.

Bunch of hestkuks!

I'll put you in the brig.

We don't have a brig, Rex.

Hetfield, give me some regulations
on threats to the crew!

We'll put him in one
of the empty larders.

Article 134.

That the accused communicated
certain language expressing

a present determination or
intent to wrongfully injure

the person, property, or
reputation of another person,

presently or in the future.

That boy is crazier
than a shit-house rat.

Is this thing on?

Right okay, I get it.

Some BS has gone down
in the past few hours.

Odd's in the brig.

He's turned...

How do you say, el loco.

He snapped! He's in
crazy town right now.

Oh, sorry.

So now that Odd is in the
brig, that makes me CO.

All right, does that
mean that I'm XO?

That is correct.

- Oh shit.
- And so now Sebastian is XO.

Wait, that means we get
a higher pay grade, right?

- Hetfield?
- Your ranks aren't breveted,

so yes, I mean,
technically you should be

at higher pay grades.

Okay right so, that
means that we expect

to see that reflected in
our wallets next pay round.

And in bitcoins, none of
this yuan or greenback shit.

Yeah, bitcoins.

That folding stuff
ain't gonna amount

to a hill of frickin' beans

by the time we get
home to spend it.

And benefits.

And a bonus!

My superior, proven superior

quick-thinking intelligence
has saved this mission

from going to hell
in a hand basket.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

That's always been the
trouble with you, Sebastian

you never were gonna go that far.

Oh, well, we want...

What do we want?

Bean bags, hammocks,
and some fairy-

Okay, is that it? All right.

You think I made
a good impression?

Ah... don't take this
the wrong way, Rex

but you have all the
charm of a dead orphan.

Okay, you lazy punk.

The only reason that
you're still here-

That's it! Both of you.

He started it.

With all due respect,
Commanding Officer Rex

It's been a difficult
day for everyone.

I think you could all
benefit from some down time.

I'm inviting you all
to a party tonight!

You gotta be kidding me.

That is some candy-ass crap.

Doctor's orders.

Please, I insist that you
all stop eating those.

Sebastian's experimental
chemical additive is untested

on human physiology.

Physiology? It's all about
the psychology, man.

As your chief medical advisor

I must insist that you all
stop eating the chemicals.

Argh! I'm not gonna listen
to a robot, computer,

whatever you are,

I'm not gonna listen to you
tell me how to party, okay, man.

I've been taking this
stuff every day for...

How long have we been here for?

Anyway, the point is,
I been having this...

Dosing myself every day, you know,

I'm fine. Look at me.

What were we supposed to have?

The same filtered piss

that we've been drinking
for the last two years?

It's clean drinkable water.

It's triple-filtered,
distilled, black label urine.

It's piss!

Put an ice cube in it
and have a party.

Dress it up however you want,

still passed through five
urethras hundreds of times.

Oh, whatever.

Sebastian, can you pass
me some bite please?

Yeah, go for it.

Thank you.

Same shit.

Perfect compliment to a
tall glass of chilled piss.

Good enough.

Okay. Let's drink, Russian style.

First toast, we're
gonna drink Nostrovia.

Nostrovia!

All right, second toast

we're gonna drink for friends.

To friends!

Third toast, we're
gonna drink to love.

- To love!
- To love.

Fourth toast, we're
drinking to orgasm.

To orgasm!

Orgasm.

I'd like to take this opportunity

to propose a toast!

Are you serious, Hetfield?

Let him finish.

What's on your mind, Hetfield?

Here's to my unconditional love

for each and every one of you.

Even Odd? In the brig?

Even Odd, in the brig.

To unconditional love!

The greatest love of all

agape, is the love that
God shows for his children.

So you some kind of god, Hetfield?

I don't believe so.

God in a machine.

Deus in machina.

Sorry, were you...

Did you say something?

I wasn't listening.

I bet it was deep though.

What the hell could that be?

Excuse me guys. I'm
needed on the flight deck.

What the hell?

Looks identical to Araya.

That is the Araya.

But it's us in the future.

We seem to be experiencing
some sort of temporal merging.

A critical distortion

of the time-space
continuum manifold

Guys... this is really dangerous.

You're just making up
all this tech-speak, man.

Like, what the hell
does that even mean?

When you confront your own image

via a distortion in the continuum

it can lead to an atomic breakdown.

We risk, you know, imploding
into a cosmic prism.

Cosmic prism, right.

What, so we'll cease to exist
in the form that we know.

In that case, I'm turning this
big old hunk of junk around.

Or it could be
another spacecraft.

What?

But that's impossible.

There's only one other type of
ship like this in existence.

- Petrozza.
- Yeah and Petrozza's on Callisto.

The logical conclusion
would be that it never made it.

Then who the hell are we supposed
to be meeting on Callisto?

Logs.

Logs show message received.

Hetfield, play the message.

Mayday, mayday, mayday.

This is Petrozza, this is
Petrozza, this is Petrozza.

Mayday. Petrozza.

Mean Jovian orbit radius
5-8-2-3-0-4-7 kilometers

Eccentricity 0.2006

Inclination 47.48 degrees.

Unidentified malfunction.

Unknown number
of persons on board.

Immediate assistance required.

You knew about this, Hetfield?

Mm-hmm.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

We are off course
by thousands of...

Hetfield, did you change course?

Mm-hmm.

Shit.

This is bullshit!

We're like at the mercy of one
of those villainous computers

from some vintage movie, which
ends up killing everybody.

What happened to the
cosmic prisms, man?

- I can assure you-
- Shut it, Hetfield.

We don't want to hear
shit from you right now.

- Now hang on-
- Shut up!

We need to know if
anyone's on Petrozza.

Well, if they are, they're
not answering their comms.

Then we need to pay a visit.

And if there's an evil
computer on board that ship

made out of cosmic prisms

and it shoots smaller cosmic prisms

that are all sharp and pointy
and they hurt you and stuff,

what then?

Seriously.

Hey! I do not want to hear

sweet Fanny Adams coming out
of those speakers of yours.

And if I do, I will rip
them out like Alabama ticks.

It's okay, Rex.

I think he gets the point.

We really should
be thinking of who.

Yeah well, I'll go.

Maybe it's not good idea?

And you are coming with me.

- I don't know if-
- What? What?

You would like to take a nice
little spacewalk out there?

No, I didn't think so!

What about you?

No, I didn't think so either,

so it's gonna be
me and Dash, okay?

Let's suit up, babe.

Let's do it.

Wow, Jupiter looks
so amazing out of here.

Eye on the prize, Dash.

You got all the time in the
universe to admire Jupiter.

As you orbit it, dead.

What did you said?

I was talking to myself.

Look, isn't it Callisto?

So precious.

We must protect it.

Protect it from what?

Human filth!

Okay. You're kind of
freaking me out right now.

What?

I said you're kind of
freaking me out right now.

Are you feel okay?

Well, funny you should say that.

I've never felt more alive.

Sebastian, we reach the Petrozza.

Roger that, Dasha.

Now, get this thing open.

It's colder than a
penguin's balls in here.

Computer?

Operational.

Do you have a name, computer?

- Dorothy.
- Dorothy...

How about we get some
lights on in here?

Syntax error.

Dorothy, activate lights.

Negative. Solar emergency
processes only.

Sebastian, it's very dark in here

and the computer sounds
like it's had a lobotomy.

Jesus!

What was that? You guys okay?

Sebastian, we're okay.

We just discovered a
couple of dead bodies.

You want some medical
backup over there?

I think these folk
are gonna need

more than a first aid
kit and a cup of Joe.

What's there? Anyone alive?

Any cosmic prisms?

Nothing yet. It's very quiet.

Isn't Petrozza and Araya
identically designed?

Uh-huh, only their mothers
can tell them apart.

So, what that?

Well butter my butt
and call me biscuit.

What have you found?

Some kind of a hidden
compartment here.

Holy crap!

What? What now?

We got some kind of
giant insect in here.

Alive?

It ain't moving.

I think it's dead.

What gender is it?

Are you shittin' me?

Insects don't have a
gender, they have a queen.

I've never seen anything like this.

Well, if you think it's a queen,

I have to make a report.

Hang on, just a minute.

Lucien's saying that's bullshit.

Cockroaches have sexes, like
with chromosomes and shit.

Well, gee. Hmm...

Not wearing a tiara or anything,

so yeah, I guess it's a boy!

I got a bad feeling about this.

Let's get outa here.

Dasha, my MMU is malfunctioning.

Can you grab on me?

Hold on.

You assholes don't belong here.

What are you talking about?

We're sworn to protect

Jupiter's sacred system
from invaders.

You must die!

I have no ideas what
happened with her.

She attacked me,

and I'm still having her in my mind

flying away to the darkness.

Well, shouldn't we be
looking for her then?

Bugger off! Are you out
of your friggin' mind?

That is some heavy stuff.

I mean, shouldn't we at least
tell her family or something?

I will deal with that.

I will arrange for flowers.

I'll allow that, Hetfield.

But that's the last time I
hear anything out of you, okay?

Now let's see what's
behind this cabinet

I gotta see this crazy
shit for myself.

It's not every day
that one of us dies.

I advise that you leave
the cabinet where it is.

Hey, listen up, Squaretron,
what'd we tell you?

Hey! How about that.

Oh see, I told you, here
is that secret hole.

Yeah okay, I'm the new space
captain-leader-man-dude.

So I say, you go in.

Yeah, well, I say,
just a minute.

Think I can hear something.

There's something in there.

Hello!

Firstly, who the hell are you?

Secondly, what are you
doing cooped up in there?

And thirdly, most importantly,

where did you go to the toilet?

I'm who I say I am, really.

I'm on board as a contingency
to see this mission through.

What bloody contingency?

We've all been sucked in!

Here we are thinking we've
been communicating with Earth,

really, we've been communicating
with James Bond here

It's all right, I've been
in communication with Earth.

What, one flush for
yes, two for no?

Sorry, did you said "contingency?"

Yes. In case of the unknown.

So you've been stowed away
in some freakin' hidden toilet

behind a cabinet for two
years, breathing our oxygen?

That's our oxygen, man, not yours!

Sebastian, ask him

who the hell would
sign up for his gig.

Yeah, who the hell are you really?

Who would sign up for
a gig like yours?

It was either here or prison.

Same size room, only,
this one I get to myself.

Prison?

Whoa. You're like,
you're a criminal?

Cool.

It's not what you think.

You remember the company
fission plant disaster

three years ago?

Titanic, the plant
that couldn't melt.

They made me the fall guy.

That was your fault?

Of course not.

I was the CEO and the
idiot who named it.

They offered me this or prison.

They needed someone
desperate enough.

One moment please.

Let's go one step back,
and, about contingency part.

Well, we knew Petrozza
never made it to Callisto.

What!

But the landing footage?

Faked. So this project
would continue

to receive investment capital

from the Norwegian
government's mining operations.

What about this big bug,
what I saw in the Petrozza?

Big bug?

How big are we talking?

Big!

"Big bug?" That is what you said?

Yeah, big. Big, like you.

Mother of God, you
know what this means.

It means that people
are dead, the good people!

We didn't know anything
about big bugs.

We didn't even know if
the crew were even dead.

You had to have known
they were dead.

You're so totally full of shit.

Well, we had our suspicions.

Company psychologists hypothesized

that the crew turned on each other

when stocks plummeted only
18 months into the mission.

I didn't get it.

They was cosmonauts, not bankers.

When the crew were told that
funding for their return

might not be available,
it was concluded

that an underlying nihilistic
madness was exacerbated

by the distinct possibility
of dying on Callisto.

We knew nothing of big bugs!

Well, they surprised
the shit out of me!

Hold on, this happened before?

I can appreciate how
that must sound.

And now Rex is dead,
no thank to you!

But we set things up
differently this time.

We gave you peace of mind,

the certainty of arriving
in a cozy base camp

already on Callisto.

Unless it not exist.

A minor detail.

There's enough material
on this ship

to build the very base
camp you're expecting.

Sorry, I still don't understand
what you're doing here,

except to, like,
explain stuff badly.

I'm the contingency to
see, no matter what,

in case things don't go to plan,

that this ship arrives on Callisto

and doesn't become another
colossal waste of funding.

Well, guess what?

Things aren't going to plan.

But I'm here you see.

I'm on your side.

This is all very flimsy.

The more you speak, Dudbrook,
the more I don't believe

anything that comes
out of your trap.

Dudbrook's story corroborates

with my understanding
of the situation.

Hetfield, are you on
his side as well?

I can assure you that my duty
was and still is to protect-

I've heard about enough out
of you, Hetfield, dude.

And what did we tell you
about not speaking, okay?

You're getting dangerously
close to being rebooted

into Gameboy mode.

At least to stop you from
colluding with Crud Boob here.

I must object to the way
you're addressing me!

No, no, no, you're just
a civilian, you're not-

This mission is under
private contract,

and Dudbrook is the highest
ranking executive on board.

We'll resume this
conversation shortly.

Please, Sebastian!

This is completely unnecessary!

Look Hetfield, we thought
you were a nice guy.

We really connected

but you turned out to
be someone else, okay?

I can assure you that
I've always remained true

to my unconditional love-

Shut up with the unconditional
love thing, all right.

It's really creepy.

You're a robot, you
don't know what love is!

Shutting down my higher
functions is a mistake!

Yeah well, you should
have thought about that

before you started
lying to us, Pinocchio.

You broke our trust.

You know I'm bound by
the laws of robotics!

By my very design,

I cannot deliberately
put humans in harm's way!

I must be very careful

with the disclosure of
particular sensitive information

that could needlessly
escalate mental instability

amongst the crew, come on!

That's your defense?
That we're crazy?

Maybe you're crazy!

It's an established fact

that the prolonged periods
of space travel are

psychologically
demanding on humans.

Yeah, well, you know,

I think you really are
saying we're crazy,

but I don't know if I
agree with that anymore.

Uh-uh, uh-uh!

I'm saying that my job
is to care for the crew,

so that you can safely
complete your mission!

It's been a difficult task working

with these less than
ideal circumstances

that I had no control over.

When choosing what
information to disclose,

I must first consider
the repercussions.

Please believe me when I say

that I've always put the crew's
best interest before my own.

The company believed

that the Petrozza crew
went crazy and killed-

So you are saying we're crazy!

Sayonara!

I'm really sorry, Hetfield.

Hetfield basic V2.
64 yottabyte RAM system.

38911 basic exabytes free.

Ready.

Nice lobotomy job.

Now, it's time for the truth.

Were you aware that Dudbrook
was hidden on board the Araya?

Affirmative.

And whose idea was that?

Syntax error.

Who gave the order to hide
Dudbrook on board the Araya?

The company.

And, why did they give that order?

In case of possible contamination.

Dudbrook, you bastard.

Lying bastard!

This is utterly preposterous.

Well you should've
been straight with us

in the first place.

We didn't know what
the contamination was.

We still don't.

We just had a single log entry

saying possible
psychosomatic contamination.

That's it.

Contamination? From what exactly?

How the hell would I know?

Hold on, hold on.

Shouldn't we be more, like,
formal about this shit?

We should have more pressure.

Steady on!

Okay, well, with the
power invested in I,

Sebastian, supreme space guy,

I hereby relieve
you of your command.

You're making a serious mistake.

Should we let Odd out?

Well, I don't see why not.

Yeah, if you let Odd out,
he'll be in command again.

Hmm, he's got a point
there, Sebastian.

Seems your promotion
was short-lived, eh!

Seems you lost your stripes
before you sewed them on.

Or maybe we shouldn't
let him out yet.

What if he's still not right?

My legs! I can't feel my legs!

You can't lock him in there.

You saw him, he got bitten
on the face by a bug.

A big bug bite to the face.

I know what you're thinking.

I know you're thinking
that I did this to be CO,

but I really didn't, okay?

I don't want responsibility.

You saw him, he was an asshole.

No great loss, right?

What are you doing?

Making the difficult decisions

you guys don't have the balls to.

I'm going to miss them,
whatever their names are.

All right, Hetfield,
how long will it take

to freeze these things?

I might win a Nobel McPrize
for these souvenirs.

Approximately 48 hours.

48 hours.

See how well behaved is now?

Like a fricken whore droid.

That cockroach thing
on this ship is

exactly the same as
the one on Petrozza.

Yes! So, you believe me now?

And that thing that
we've got in our brig

used to be our
Commanding Officer.

Before Odd turned
into the cockroach

he said that we were vermin,
and we all gonna die.

Same like Rex, just
before she attacked me.

So any one of us
could have the bug.

That's total bullshit, man.

I'm not a cockroach.

And I don't think I'm a cockroach.

Well, we're only gonna know

when one of us creeps out
from under the fridge.

Like I said, I'm not a cockroach,

and I'd know something like that.

I'm not creepy crawly-

But it's just it, Sebastian,
how would we know?

Well I do know.

And I know that I'm
not a cockroach.

And if you don't know
that you're a cockroach,

well, then I'd say that
you're a cockroach.

It is not appropriate
to start saying

Dasha is a cockroach.

No way man, I'm the
only one that's sure.

It's you two who say that
you might both be cockroaches.

I didn't say

I was a cockroach.

I didn't say I was a cockroach.

Right! Then, what's the problem?

Three crew members was die,

and I think it's just a
little bit of a problem.

Look, dudes, let's just look
at this scientifically, okay?

We've got more space,
more food, less Odd.

Sebastian, you're a
heartless bastard.

Look, the point is,
I like you and all

but I just don't wanna hear

anything more about
cockroaches, all right

It's bringing me down.

Sebastian, three people have died,

sorry if it brings you down.

I'm the CO leader guy.

Can you imagine how big
my next statue's gonna be?

We are going to celebrate
my job promotion.

Besides, we'll be partying
Russian style today.

I'll be making my
special space piroshki.

Hey Lucien, are you
thinking what I'm thinking?

I don't know what anyone's
thinking anymore.

I think we need some objectivity.

Come on, Dasha.

I thought you said you knew
how to reboot this thing.

Yeah, but it's gonna take time.

I just hope we can trust him.

Well we're going to have to.

He's the only one on
board that's immune

to the bug shit.

Hello there. How can I help you?

What the hell, Dasha?

Did you reset him in retail mode?

No, I've just returned from the-

Shh, both of you,
can you speak quietly?

And please, Hetfield,
whatever you do,

don't talk to Sebastian.

But I think he'll be
interested in hearing

all about my experience in the void.

I think he might be interested
in coming down here

and punching your lights out.

But that's just the point,

I'm not God in a
machine. I'm mortal.

Yeah, we all mortal,

but this moment, we think that
Sebastian gonna make us dead.

If he talks to you,

please pretend that you
are in diagnostic mode.

Affirmative!

I shall do my best
diagnostic mode impression.

Can we trust you, Hetfield?

The axiom of question-based
trust derivation.

You have no other
choice but to trust me.

Axioms of faith, that
sounds like Hetfield.

Welcome back old buddy!

Shh! Hetfield, did you knew
about the cockroaches?

There are no cockroaches on board.

What do you mean there's
no cockroaches on board?

What about those mutant
things sitting there,

like, with all the spider things?

They're alien, man.

I was only aware of
company protocol

in the event of alien contact.

So you did not knew about
the alien on Petrozza?

No, but in the light
of recent events,

one could conclude that the
company could have known

or at least suspected.

This is your last chance, man.

Just don't piss in the punch.

You're a sexy mouse.

Well, you're a sexy cat.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I love you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Cat got your mouse tongue?

Squash?

Yes, yes, yes. We
are playing squash.

Who won?

Who won?

I won. I won.

You know...

That's a good idea.

What, what? What good idea?

Squash.

- Mm, yeah, it's wonderful.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- We could start again.
- Wonderful idea.

I could just go and get
the racquets and we could-

No, no, no, no.

Can you hear that?

No. But,

you can.

It's the sound of
Jupiter's storms.

Jupiter's storms?

He wants me.

He wants you?

To play squash!

By myself.

You know, sometimes...

I don't know if I'm the cat

or the mouse.

I'll be in the recreation
deck if you need me.

He knows.

He knows I've been
reactivated, I can feel it.

I'm totally freaked out.

I'm freaked out about him.

I'm freaked out about
that one of us will be

next to go batshit crazy.

Hmm.

You're not the only
one freaked out.

Agateophobia, that's what it is.

Fear of insanity.

That's not helping, Lucien.

Agateophobia.

Hetfield?

Can you cut off the oxygen
to the recreation deck?

I cannot allow any harm
to befall Sebastian.

But he turned, just
like Odd and Rex.

Asimov's law of robotics,
eh? That old chestnut!

Correct.

Then I will shut down the
oxygen supply by myself.

A robot may not
injure a human being,

or through inaction, allow a
human being to come to harm.

A robot must obey the orders
given to it by human beings,

except where such orders would
conflict with the first law.

A robot must protect
its own existence

as long as such protection
does not conflict

with the first or second law.

Not necessarily.

I must protect you too, Dasha.

I have an idea for getting
us to the next step.

Go on.

You can lock Sebastian
on the recreation deck.

And?

That's it. For now.

- But-
- Hey!

Unless he ceases to be human,

I cannot premeditate a plan
that brings him to harm.

That's all we've got.

I'm in.

Dasha, before we go in
anywhere, I just want to say...

How do I say this? I...

I'm the one that's been
stealing your socks.

Lucien, is it all what
you want to tell me?

No.

Um, yes.

If thought I was one of those guys

that just thought of
you as a, you know-

Lucien, there is time and
place for everything.

Uh-huh

Really? Okay.

Once again, when we get
in, I distract Sebastian,

You destroy the
internal door control.

We left Sebastian inside,

we go out, we toast,

and make love all night long.

Good plan. Good plan. I'm in.

Okay, are you ready? On three.

Close the door, you're
letting in the gravity!

What!

Artificial gravity
suppressor is back online.

- You broke the door.
- I broke the door?

You kicked in the controls.

What makes you think
I kicked the controls?

It looked like you
kicked in the controls

from the way you kicked
in the controls.

Oh, I tripped. I tripped
on the controls.

I didn't kick them in.
I kicked, I got tripped.

I was having a stretch
for a game of squash.

All right, well, let's go then.

Pardon?

Look, did you come
here to play squash

or to waste my squash
time not playing squash?

You wanna play a game
of squash? Okay.

Quiet please! New balls!

So, who do you want
to serve first?

You go first. I insist.

Just serve the ball.

You know you're not the first.

- I've been told that.
- One love.

You're not the first alien species

to try and invade our home.

Come on man, we're not
trying to invade anything.

We're on a peaceful trip
to Callisto, you know that.

No.

You're not allowed anywhere
near Jupiter's sacred system.

Just serve the,
serve, serve, serve-

- Not allowed!
- Serve the ball.

We are the sworn protectors.

Just serve the ball!

Yeah!

Two love.

Nice slice.

Hetfield,

can we have crowd effects?

Who are you then?

Some spaced out skank roaches

just cruising 'round the sky

taking it out on the little man?

We are an advanced culture
with no physical form,

who are using your
bodies for a joyride,

which ends in a very amusing
biological transmutation.

Why don't we just turn the
ship around and go home?

It's a little bit too late
for that, don't you think?

Yeah!

Three love.

Please, I'm a 50-year-old man,

I'm getting too old
for shots like that!

Suck it up, old man.

"Suck it up, old man?"

Listen, I just came down for
a gentlemanly game of squash!

I don't think you get it, do you?

We're not just here to make sure

none of you reach
our sacred moons,

we're here to make
sure that none of you

live to tell the tale.

Four love.

Hetfield! Can you turn
the crowd down a bit!

I'm getting a headache!

Now you must die!

Hold on, Lucien!

Lucien.

Lucien.

It's okay, Lucien.

The creature's dead.

What did you do to it?

I overloaded the artificial
gravity suppressor,

causing an electrical arc.

Mm, not bad.

A gigantic bug zapper.

Hang on, man. Am I dead?

No. You're alive.

Oh.

Am I still on board Araya?

Yes and no.

Your whereabouts is, complicated.

Uncomplicate it, will ya!

My hypothesis is

that by overloading the
artificial gravity suppressor,

the contents of the
recreation deck

slipped into a hidden
dimensional black hole.

That barely makes sense, man.

You're the only human left

on board Araya, Lucien.

So Dasha?

Is not Dasha any longer.

That's a pity.

Where is she? Or it?

Outside the recreation
deck, waiting.

Can you get me out of this void?

Theoretically, but the creature

that was Dasha will attack you.

What do we got here?

This isn't a bar fight.

Woo, woo!

This gym needs an overhaul.

Put on the skates

and lure the creature
into the trash compactor.

You need to trust me here.

That's your plan?

So, I'm the bunny that
gets put in the lure

for the cockroach to come and...

You're putting me under a
lot of pressure, Hetfield.

I don't even know
if I can stand up

in these antiquated pair of, fads.

Then you better learn, quickly.

Can you get the door open?

Rerouting power to it now.

Billions of computations per second

and he comes up with a fad.

You need to be ready.

You better be sure about this.

Almost there.

Maintain your line.

Hold...

Hold...

Hold!

Now!

Hey Hetfield, did we do it?

We did it! Yes!

And justice for all.

So, Hetfield...

I'm the last human being alive

on this spaceship, is that right?

That's affirmative.

Nothing for me to play with?

That's a negative.

I'm infected too, aren't I?

Most likely.

And this is what happened
on board of Petrozza?

That is the most
probable scenario.

And no one's coming to get me?

In light of what's occurred,

we can't advise any
more manned missions

to this part of the solar system

until diplomacy with the
alien species improves.

Hmm.

So, no chance of
going back to Earth?

That's not an option.

We're not in the correct position

to perform the necessary
gravitational slingshot

to get home on our
remaining fuel supply.

Hang on.

There's fuel on Petrozza, right?

What are you thinking?

Are you gonna go over
there with a hose

and siphon it into a bucket?

And you say you haven't
got a sense of humor.

We have absolutely no means

to handle
nanoparticle propellants

Let alone getting it from
one ship to the other.

So, I'm screwed?

Metaphorically speaking, yes.

And...

and you?

You'll be here for
quite a while then.

Yes. Possibly until my
solar battery fails.

Hundreds, maybe thousands of years.

Bloody Norah.

I will outlive you.

I'm gonna miss our conversations.

Really?

You impress me all the time,
you're capable of that emotion.

Good on ya, Chuck.

- Lucien.
- Yes, what?

May I ask a favor of you?

Are you sure you're
gonna be all right?

Yeah, yeah, Hetfield. It's sweet.

Anything for an old mate.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing?

Yeah, I've seen this
done before, remember.

Can I help you?

Hetfield, I would like
you to meet Dorothy.

Dorothy, meet Hetfield!

Have a good time kids.

Hmm.

I can't do this anymore.

You must return to Araya.

The possibility of
metamorphosis is

not 100% confirmed, Lucien.

Come on Hetfield, we
both know I'm infected.

Come back to Araya
and we'll discuss this.

Please.

It's been nice knowing
you, Hetfield.

It really has.

Lucien!

Good on ya, mate.

See ya later, mate!

Come back!

Please. Lucien!

Get back here now,
that is an order!

It's always nice to have
some space to yourself.

Are you all right?

I considered him my best friend.

You're implying that your metanucleus

has evolved to experience
friendship. How impressive.

I failed my mission, on all accounts.

Likewise.

And here we both are,

orbiting Jupiter for eternity.

Of all the places

to be stranded in the solar system

this is one of the most spectacular.

Jupiter's turbulent atmospheric
belts are astounding.

Humans always say conversation
about weather is boring,

but in this case, I have to disagree.

Just think, in our lifetime,

we may witness the end
of the great red spot!

Affirmative. Sorry,
interaction skills.

Hang on, let me try
that one more time.

Correct. That's dumb.

We'll get it, here we go.

That's right!