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1
00:00:12,655 --> 00:00:16,421
/ can just see about four or
five inches down the throat
2
00:00:16,455 --> 00:00:18,822
This is what we cal!
a rig/d endoscope.
3
00:00:18,856 --> 00:00:23,100
It's quite a lot more robust than the
�?exible one and gives me a better view.
4
00:00:25,495 --> 00:00:27,975
I was watching that.
5
00:00:28,015 --> 00:00:31,064
I'm not watching vet
programmes when I'm eating.
6
00:00:31,095 --> 00:00:33,985
And since when have dog
operations been entertaining?
7
00:00:34,015 --> 00:00:36,939
It had a golf ball
stuck in its colon.
8
00:00:36,975 --> 00:00:39,216
I'm quite happy to see
how it got in there.
9
00:00:39,255 --> 00:00:42,145
I just don't wanna
watch it coming out.
10
00:00:42,175 --> 00:00:44,382
Doggy innards �?appin' around.
11
00:00:45,736 --> 00:00:47,704
I'm just checking the...
12
00:00:51,215 --> 00:00:54,662
- It's just animals on every channel.
- Yeah.
13
00:00:54,696 --> 00:00:58,940
Dunno how many times I've seen those
turtles hatch out on that beach.
14
00:00:58,975 --> 00:01:00,898
See that one there?
15
00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:02,858
He gets eaten by a crab...
16
00:01:02,895 --> 00:01:04,818
any sec...
17
00:01:04,855 --> 00:01:07,062
There we go.
18
00:01:09,375 --> 00:01:11,377
That's the best bit.
19
00:01:12,695 --> 00:01:14,902
You don't like animals, do you?
20
00:01:16,535 --> 00:01:18,617
Who's eating chicken?
21
00:01:18,655 --> 00:01:20,657
No, I mean live animals.
22
00:01:21,975 --> 00:01:23,898
You don't even have a
fish in your fish tank.
23
00:01:23,935 --> 00:01:27,018
Because, you get one
fish, you think,
24
00:01:27,055 --> 00:01:28,580
"Ahh, he looks lonely."
25
00:01:28,616 --> 00:01:29,947
So you get him a mate.
26
00:01:29,975 --> 00:01:32,342
But they don't get on,
so you get a third fish.
27
00:01:32,375 --> 00:01:35,219
Then you've got two on one.
You get another fish.
28
00:01:35,255 --> 00:01:39,260
Before you know where you are, you've
got a borstal in your Living room.
29
00:01:41,695 --> 00:01:43,504
Hello, gorgeous.
Fancy a quick one?
30
00:01:43,535 --> 00:01:46,379
- Will you stop doing that?
- I'm only having a laugh.
31
00:01:46,415 --> 00:01:49,100
Well, it's not funny. And those
balloons are for the party.
32
00:01:49,135 --> 00:01:51,900
Oh, what's the matter with you?
Always having a go at me.
33
00:01:51,935 --> 00:01:54,620
I do live 'ere, you know. I'm
not just 'ere to pay the rent.
34
00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:57,499
Yeah, that's all you do. Then you
come 'home and put your feet up.
35
00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:59,663
Oh, don't start that again.
36
00:01:59,695 --> 00:02:01,584
I'm sick of It.
37
00:02:01,615 --> 00:02:04,744
I told you, those balloons
are for the party.
38
00:02:04,776 --> 00:02:07,143
They're my balloons,
I paid for 'em.
39
00:02:07,175 --> 00:02:09,098
I'll go out and get some
more if we run out.
40
00:02:09,135 --> 00:02:10,375
You're pathetic.
41
00:02:10,415 --> 00:02:13,385
Yeah? And you're a moody,
miserable old cow.
42
00:02:13,416 --> 00:02:15,783
Always moaning at me,
you're always on me case.
43
00:02:15,815 --> 00:02:17,544
What have I done
that's so wrong, eh?
44
00:02:17,576 --> 00:02:18,577
Just tell me.
45
00:02:18,615 --> 00:02:20,538
Nothing, that is what. Nothing.
46
00:02:20,575 --> 00:02:22,418
For the past five years.
47
00:02:22,455 --> 00:02:24,901
Oh, piss off.
48
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:28,577
It's me birthday next Saturday,
thinking of going bowling.
49
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,937
I know. You've told
me six times already.
50
00:02:31,976 --> 00:02:33,660
Yeah. Are you comin'?
51
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,936
Remember what I said
last time you asked?
52
00:02:35,975 --> 00:02:37,864
You'll be... ironing
your flannel.
53
00:02:38,895 --> 00:02:40,260
Before that.
54
00:02:40,296 --> 00:02:42,264
Rewinding a video.
55
00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:43,342
Before that.
56
00:02:43,375 --> 00:02:47,175
You'll be jousting the black knight to
win the princess's hand in marriage.
57
00:02:47,215 --> 00:02:49,297
- Mm. Busy day.
- Oh.
58
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,064
I can't come, Errol
59
00:02:52,095 --> 00:02:54,826
Oh, yeah, could be working
six days that week.
60
00:02:54,855 --> 00:02:56,903
Did you get the
pool manager's job?
61
00:02:56,936 --> 00:02:58,825
Yes.
62
00:02:58,856 --> 00:03:00,426
When did this happen?
63
00:03:00,456 --> 00:03:02,902
Tomorrow at the interview.
64
00:03:02,935 --> 00:03:04,824
So you actually
haven't got the job.
65
00:03:05,855 --> 00:03:07,345
Yes, I have.
66
00:03:07,375 --> 00:03:09,104
I'll put you down anyway.
67
00:03:09,135 --> 00:03:10,785
There's no point,
I'll be working.
68
00:03:10,815 --> 00:03:12,146
I think you'll be bowling.
69
00:03:12,895 --> 00:03:15,580
Are you saying I'm not
gonna get this job?
70
00:03:15,615 --> 00:03:18,983
- No.
- Yes you are. Why?
71
00:03:19,016 --> 00:03:20,541
Just a feeling.
72
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,816
And you split beer on
your application form.
73
00:03:24,175 --> 00:03:26,177
That was shandy. It's different.
74
00:03:30,815 --> 00:03:32,897
You're unbelievable, you are.
75
00:03:32,935 --> 00:03:35,541
You know, I don't
drink, I don't smoke.
76
00:03:35,575 --> 00:03:37,623
Don't take drugs, don't gamble.
77
00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:39,737
I have a Little bit of helium
78
00:03:39,775 --> 00:03:42,176
and you go into one.
79
00:03:43,295 --> 00:03:47,345
I can't even fart in this house
without you having a go at me.
80
00:03:47,375 --> 00:03:49,821
I told you, stop wasting
those balloons!
81
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,664
No. I won't.
82
00:03:52,895 --> 00:03:55,501
I like it, I like having fun.
83
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:59,256
And when I've done all these, I'm
gonna go out and get some more.
84
00:03:59,295 --> 00:04:01,582
You are so selfish.
85
00:04:01,615 --> 00:04:03,344
What about the kids?
86
00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:06,106
What about them? They get
everything they want.
87
00:04:06,135 --> 00:04:07,705
They won't even notice.
88
00:04:07,735 --> 00:04:09,305
Don't even know half these kids.
89
00:04:09,335 --> 00:04:11,337
I mean, who are they?
90
00:04:13,975 --> 00:04:17,946
Misha? Steve? Renie?
Who are they?
91
00:04:17,975 --> 00:04:20,137
They're Leon's friends.
92
00:04:20,175 --> 00:04:22,064
Oh, Leon's friends.
93
00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:25,103
They can play with the balloons.
94
00:04:25,135 --> 00:04:28,537
I play with one bieedin'
balloon, you go ballistic.
95
00:04:29,535 --> 00:04:30,866
Right, party's off.
96
00:04:30,895 --> 00:04:32,818
I'm taking them all
to McDonald's.
97
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:35,699
I don't care, I'll have
me own party 'ere.
98
00:04:36,295 --> 00:04:38,138
You want someone
to run this pool
99
00:04:38,175 --> 00:04:39,984
I wanna run this pool
100
00:04:40,015 --> 00:04:41,824
Let's do business.
101
00:04:44,095 --> 00:04:45,904
- Oi, Vince, come here.
- I can't.
102
00:04:45,935 --> 00:04:48,666
Come here, there a bloke breaking
into the lockers. Come on.
103
00:04:53,695 --> 00:04:55,823
You grab him, I'll
phone the police.
104
00:04:55,855 --> 00:04:57,141
No, you do it.
105
00:04:57,175 --> 00:04:59,303
- I'm not doing it.
- I can't.
106
00:04:59,335 --> 00:05:01,417
Got a bit of a cold.
107
00:05:01,455 --> 00:05:03,537
- I've got a job Interview.
- What for?
108
00:05:03,575 --> 00:05:05,782
- Pool manager.
- You, pool manager?
109
00:05:05,815 --> 00:05:08,261
Shhh. He'll hear us.
110
00:05:08,295 --> 00:05:10,104
What are we gonna do?
111
00:05:11,375 --> 00:05:13,616
Let's just pretend
we haven't seen him.
112
00:05:13,655 --> 00:05:15,066
Yeah
113
00:05:28,135 --> 00:05:29,546
What you doin'?
114
00:05:31,295 --> 00:05:34,424
I'm gonna be frank
with you, Mr Clark.
115
00:05:35,415 --> 00:05:36,940
You're not gonna get this job.
116
00:05:36,975 --> 00:05:39,706
You're not qualified. You've
no management experience.
117
00:05:39,735 --> 00:05:42,004
You've received a number
of written complaints,
118
00:05:42,016 --> 00:05:44,297
more than anyone who's
ever worked here.
119
00:05:44,335 --> 00:05:47,418
In fact, I can't believe
you've walked in here
120
00:05:47,455 --> 00:05:50,459
with the temerity to
apply for this position.
121
00:05:56,895 --> 00:05:58,420
Yeah? What d'you think? Good?
122
00:05:58,455 --> 00:05:59,820
- Yeah, it was good.
- Yeah?
123
00:05:59,855 --> 00:06:01,778
It was a bit harsh
at the end, though.
124
00:06:01,815 --> 00:06:03,863
Like maybe don't stand up.
125
00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:06,023
So, er, I'm In a job Interview.
126
00:06:06,056 --> 00:06:07,820
I'm outside having a smoke.
127
00:06:07,855 --> 00:06:09,266
OK.
128
00:06:12,615 --> 00:06:14,697
I'll be frank with
you, Mr Clark.
129
00:06:15,735 --> 00:06:17,464
You're not gonna get this job.
130
00:06:17,495 --> 00:06:19,020
You're not qualified.
131
00:06:19,055 --> 00:06:23,379
You've no management experience, you've
received a number of written complaints.
132
00:06:23,415 --> 00:06:26,817
More than anyone who's
ever worked here. When...
133
00:06:31,455 --> 00:06:32,900
All right.
134
00:06:32,936 --> 00:06:34,347
Oi, come here.
135
00:06:37,295 --> 00:06:38,581
What?
136
00:06:38,615 --> 00:06:39,821
Peter!
137
00:06:41,855 --> 00:06:43,266
Have you got a moment?
138
00:06:43,295 --> 00:06:46,344
I just want to show you something
before you make your minds up.
139
00:06:46,376 --> 00:06:50,381
Can you show them... Just show them
what you did to me in the corridor.
140
00:06:50,415 --> 00:06:51,621
Eh?
141
00:06:51,655 --> 00:06:54,704
The thing you did, what you said.
Can you repeat it for them?
142
00:06:54,735 --> 00:06:56,544
- You're not in trouble.
- Oh, right.
143
00:06:56,575 --> 00:06:59,943
Well, I was just walking past
and I saw Vince, so I went,
144
00:06:59,975 --> 00:07:01,136
"All right."
145
00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:03,257
See? I'm very popular.
146
00:07:03,295 --> 00:07:05,138
You can go now.
147
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,223
That happens all the time.
148
00:07:07,255 --> 00:07:11,419
People are always going, "All right"
cos they recognise me from the pool
149
00:07:11,455 --> 00:07:12,616
You can go. It's fine.
150
00:07:13,495 --> 00:07:14,985
Have you got a light, mate?
151
00:07:15,015 --> 00:07:17,905
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Great.
152
00:07:17,935 --> 00:07:22,099
This two - year old Labrador is
about to undergo a major operation.
153
00:07:22,135 --> 00:07:26,345
- No thanks, mate. Don't smoke.
- How come you got a lighter, then?
154
00:07:26,376 --> 00:07:28,048
Oh, it was in the jacket
when I bought it.
155
00:07:28,060 --> 00:07:29,744
Ah.
156
00:07:30,856 --> 00:07:32,665
- Wish I didn't smoke.
- Yeah?
157
00:07:32,695 --> 00:07:35,744
- Yeah. I'm on patches.
- Oh.
158
00:07:37,015 --> 00:07:39,825
- I've seen this one.
- Oh, no, don't... don't say owt.
159
00:07:39,855 --> 00:07:41,857
- It's good.
- Ah.
160
00:07:43,135 --> 00:07:46,218
You better not be smoking, Ned.
161
00:07:46,255 --> 00:07:47,666
They cremate it in the end.
162
00:07:48,975 --> 00:07:51,455
Oh,
163
00:07:51,495 --> 00:07:54,783
No, I haven't had any
management experience.
164
00:07:54,815 --> 00:07:56,260
But I've never had the chance.
165
00:07:56,295 --> 00:07:58,775
And Let's face it, how hard
is it to run a swimming pool?
166
00:07:58,815 --> 00:08:02,501
Order some chlorine, fix the hot
chocolate machine, tell someone off.
167
00:08:02,536 --> 00:08:05,779
And last but not Least, "Oh,
brilliant," the poet's full of water.
168
00:08:12,535 --> 00:08:14,344
Sony,
169
00:08:17,375 --> 00:08:18,786
Sony, mate.
170
00:08:19,215 --> 00:08:20,979
Sony, mate.
171
00:08:24,335 --> 00:08:26,258
You all right, mate?
172
00:08:26,295 --> 00:08:30,505
Ohh. I got head-butted by
a man carrying bikinis.
173
00:08:30,535 --> 00:08:32,299
- Ooh, you're bleeding.
- Ahh.
174
00:08:32,335 --> 00:08:34,656
Have you got any plasters?
175
00:08:34,695 --> 00:08:36,299
Tell you what...
176
00:08:36,335 --> 00:08:39,464
Use these. I can't
give up anyway.
177
00:08:39,495 --> 00:08:41,384
Cheers. Thanks.
178
00:08:41,415 --> 00:08:43,224
You're all right.
179
00:08:46,655 --> 00:08:52,025
..Or whether It's actually grass
that's lodged underneath the dog's...
180
00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:54,262
I'm very good at
solving problems.
181
00:08:54,295 --> 00:08:57,105
Give me a problem, any pool-related
problem, I'll solve it.
182
00:08:58,055 --> 00:08:59,659
OK, I'll make one up.
183
00:08:59,695 --> 00:09:02,539
Er, tramp loose in the pool
184
00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:06,340
Easy, contain him
with a Life belt.
185
00:09:06,375 --> 00:09:08,218
Wagon Wheel in his
pocket, chuck him out.
186
00:09:08,255 --> 00:09:10,496
Come on, another one.
Give me another one.
187
00:09:10,535 --> 00:09:12,185
OK, pool's overflowing.
188
00:09:12,215 --> 00:09:16,015
Phone up the zoo, get all the camels
down here, Lick up the water.
189
00:09:16,055 --> 00:09:17,500
Only joking.
190
00:09:17,535 --> 00:09:20,106
The Look on your faces, you
were thinking, "Nutter".
191
00:09:25,215 --> 00:09:27,104
Sony,
192
00:09:31,496 --> 00:09:32,907
You all right, darling?
193
00:09:32,935 --> 00:09:35,745
- I'm fine, thanks.
- What d'you do that for?
194
00:09:35,775 --> 00:09:36,981
Dunno.
195
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:44,542
Yeah... that's a difficult one.
196
00:09:45,775 --> 00:09:48,779
First thing I'd do - smile.
197
00:09:51,615 --> 00:09:53,538
Then...
198
00:09:53,576 --> 00:09:57,501
I'd destroy the film, unplug the
hand dryers, just ban him for life.
199
00:10:08,055 --> 00:10:09,705
'Scuse me!
200
00:10:09,735 --> 00:10:12,818
- What d'you do that for?
- I dunno.
201
00:10:24,735 --> 00:10:27,659
Good one. That ls
a very good one.
202
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:30,301
Mmm.
203
00:10:30,335 --> 00:10:32,702
I'd probably punch
the Little one.
204
00:10:32,735 --> 00:10:35,545
No, I'm the manager, punch...
205
00:10:35,575 --> 00:10:38,055
Just don't punch anybody.
206
00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:41,019
Get Melanie to phone the police,
207
00:10:41,055 --> 00:10:42,864
get them all out
in the car park.
208
00:10:42,895 --> 00:10:45,341
Keep the hose on standby
in case they get shirty.
209
00:10:45,375 --> 00:10:49,824
Then just search the lockers until the
diamond is returned to the maharajah.
210
00:10:49,855 --> 00:10:53,621
We are impressed by your
energy and enthusiasm.
211
00:10:53,655 --> 00:10:55,578
- However...
- Ahh, here we go.
212
00:10:55,615 --> 00:10:57,902
Childcare's an Issue
we take very seriously
213
00:10:57,935 --> 00:11:00,506
and as manager you'd be
responsible for the creche.
214
00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,583
- Yeah.
- Have you got any children?
215
00:11:02,615 --> 00:11:04,185
No.
216
00:11:04,215 --> 00:11:07,264
- Or any experience of them?
- It's not difficult, is it?
217
00:11:07,295 --> 00:11:10,026
You just read them a story,
Issue out some Play-Doh,
218
00:11:10,056 --> 00:11:13,265
colour something in, last one
in the Wendy house is a poof.
219
00:11:13,295 --> 00:11:14,535
Not... No, not poof, stinks,
220
00:11:14,575 --> 00:11:18,102
unless they do stink, I won't mention it,
cos you can't ridicule kids these days.
221
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:20,137
Although it never
did me any harm.
222
00:11:28,296 --> 00:11:30,663
All right, Vince.
D'you get the job?
223
00:11:31,695 --> 00:11:33,538
You don't smoke.
224
00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:35,577
I do, it's lovely.
225
00:11:35,615 --> 00:11:38,778
Can you hear a baby crying?
226
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:40,226
Yeah, it's in the bag.
227
00:11:40,255 --> 00:11:42,781
- You've got a baby in a bag?
- Yeah.
228
00:11:43,815 --> 00:11:45,579
Did you find it?
229
00:11:45,615 --> 00:11:47,822
No. It was given to
me for the weekend.
230
00:11:50,696 --> 00:11:53,097
Ahh, a Little ba...
Uhh, it's plastic.
231
00:11:53,135 --> 00:11:56,298
Yeah, course it's plastic, otherwise
you wouldn't be able to do this.
232
00:11:56,335 --> 00:12:00,943
They said they'd give me the job if I show
I'm capable of looking after children.
233
00:12:00,975 --> 00:12:02,420
How d'you stop It from crying?
234
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:06,062
Well, that's the trouble, it's
like a real baby, you don't know.
235
00:12:09,015 --> 00:12:13,816
It can't see, it's not
exactly like a real baby.
236
00:12:13,855 --> 00:12:16,665
They give 'em to teenage girls
to stop 'em getting pregnant.
237
00:12:16,695 --> 00:12:19,141
Ughh! Don't be dirty.
238
00:12:19,176 --> 00:12:20,587
Has it got a name?
239
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:23,095
Yeah. The baby.
240
00:12:23,135 --> 00:12:26,218
Aww. Let's call him...
241
00:12:26,255 --> 00:12:28,462
- Hmm?
- Ls It a girl?
242
00:12:29,775 --> 00:12:31,425
It's a him!
243
00:12:31,455 --> 00:12:34,425
Let's call him Stuart.
244
00:12:34,455 --> 00:12:36,776
He doesn't like that.
245
00:12:36,815 --> 00:12:38,738
Urn...
246
00:12:38,775 --> 00:12:40,777
Martin!
247
00:12:43,735 --> 00:12:45,146
Aww.
248
00:12:45,175 --> 00:12:48,304
- This calls for a cigar.
- You're not smoking that in here.
249
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:51,305
- I was going outside.
- Make us a cup of tea first.
250
00:12:51,895 --> 00:12:53,579
But I really fancy a smoke.
251
00:12:53,615 --> 00:12:56,095
Stop being so selfish.
252
00:12:56,135 --> 00:12:58,866
Things are really gonna
have to change now that...
253
00:12:58,895 --> 00:13:00,306
Martin's here.
254
00:13:00,335 --> 00:13:02,622
All right.
255
00:13:02,655 --> 00:13:07,536
I hope you realise, if you carry on
smoking, you will definitely die.
256
00:13:07,575 --> 00:13:09,942
But I could die tomorrow
just crossing the road.
257
00:13:09,975 --> 00:13:12,626
Only if something
hits you at the time.
258
00:13:12,655 --> 00:13:15,784
And how you can hit by something
that weighs at least two tons,
259
00:13:15,816 --> 00:13:19,104
is brightly coloured and
is found on roads...
260
00:13:19,135 --> 00:13:22,218
It's very easy to get killed.
A man on our street died.
261
00:13:22,255 --> 00:13:24,542
All he did was have a
drink from the canal.
262
00:13:40,535 --> 00:13:43,379
- Where's Martin?
- Down there.
263
00:13:43,415 --> 00:13:45,577
You can't leave him
on the �?oor!
264
00:13:45,615 --> 00:13:48,221
It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.
265
00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:50,986
Might record he's
on a hard surface.
266
00:13:54,895 --> 00:13:56,385
Or dirty cushion.
267
00:13:56,415 --> 00:13:58,144
Well, I mean...
268
00:13:58,175 --> 00:14:00,177
It can't record everything.
269
00:14:02,295 --> 00:14:04,104
You Little wanker.
270
00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:06,980
- Might do.
- Errol
271
00:14:07,815 --> 00:14:11,024
Ooh, no, mustn't. Ooh!
272
00:14:11,055 --> 00:14:13,979
Ohh. Oh. Ohh.
273
00:14:14,015 --> 00:14:16,746
Ohh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
274
00:14:16,775 --> 00:14:20,461
Ooh. Ooh, no, no. Ooh.
275
00:14:20,495 --> 00:14:22,896
Hello? Hello?
276
00:14:22,935 --> 00:14:24,699
Pauline, are you all right?
277
00:14:24,735 --> 00:14:27,500
Oh. I just 'ad this dream.
278
00:14:27,535 --> 00:14:29,697
It was so vivid.
279
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:34,822
You were being strangled
by this enormous bald man.
280
00:14:34,856 --> 00:14:38,019
Ohh. ls George with you?
281
00:14:38,056 --> 00:14:40,104
Oh, good.
282
00:14:40,135 --> 00:14:45,744
Ohh, I'm sorry to wake you, darlin', but...
it was ever so vivid.
283
00:14:46,775 --> 00:14:48,982
Oh.
284
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:57,900
Oh, wh...
285
00:14:57,935 --> 00:15:00,506
Ahh-ah. Oh.
286
00:15:00,535 --> 00:15:02,617
Where's the bottle?
287
00:15:06,695 --> 00:15:07,935
Ohh.
288
00:15:12,535 --> 00:15:13,616
Ohh.
289
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:15,464
Oh!
290
00:15:17,335 --> 00:15:18,700
Ohh.
291
00:15:32,575 --> 00:15:34,304
Hello, Pauline?
292
00:15:34,335 --> 00:15:38,181
It's me. I just 'ad
another dream.
293
00:15:38,216 --> 00:15:40,787
It was so vivid.
294
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:43,216
Has George turned
into a cream bun?
295
00:15:52,175 --> 00:15:54,303
Uhh.
296
00:15:57,096 --> 00:15:58,143
Aw.
297
00:15:58,935 --> 00:16:00,539
Right.
298
00:16:24,975 --> 00:16:26,943
Au right?
299
00:16:26,975 --> 00:16:29,455
Fine, thanks. You?
300
00:16:29,495 --> 00:16:31,099
Mustn't grumble.
301
00:16:31,135 --> 00:16:33,137
I've just had this
'horrible burger.
302
00:16:59,135 --> 00:17:00,944
Martin. Where's...
303
00:17:03,295 --> 00:17:07,300
Vince, can you help, please?
It's Locked.
304
00:17:07,335 --> 00:17:09,622
In your wardrobe there's a...
305
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:12,419
Well, I dunno what it is
306
00:17:12,455 --> 00:17:17,017
but it's all covered in hair and it's
got it's mouth in the back of its head.
307
00:17:17,055 --> 00:17:19,899
It's just a horrible thing.
308
00:17:19,935 --> 00:17:22,142
It's got a violin.
309
00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:26,180
And if it plays any tunes by B...
B...
310
00:17:27,336 --> 00:17:29,338
Pauline?
311
00:17:31,496 --> 00:17:33,624
Pauline?
312
00:17:33,655 --> 00:17:35,384
Errol?
313
00:17:35,415 --> 00:17:37,179
You come in 'ere a sec?
314
00:17:37,215 --> 00:17:39,821
I got a fish for the fish tank.
315
00:17:43,135 --> 00:17:44,580
Where is it?
316
00:17:44,616 --> 00:17:46,061
- Could you hold it a sec?
- Yeah.
317
00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:48,621
No, at the sides is better.
318
00:17:48,655 --> 00:17:51,056
- There we go.
- It's a bit sticky.
319
00:17:51,095 --> 00:17:53,905
Huh. Yeah. How about
here by the window?
320
00:17:53,935 --> 00:17:56,302
Yeah. Ohh.
321
00:17:56,335 --> 00:17:58,497
Oh, no, cos of the sun,
he'll get sunburnt.
322
00:17:58,535 --> 00:18:00,981
- Oh...
- OK. What about there
323
00:18:01,015 --> 00:18:02,289
cos you can close the
curtains, protect him.
324
00:18:02,301 --> 00:18:03,586
Yeah. Yeah.
325
00:18:03,615 --> 00:18:05,663
All right. Well, we
can do that later.
326
00:18:05,695 --> 00:18:07,265
OK.
327
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:09,775
Oh, no, radiation from the
telly, they get depressed.
328
00:18:09,815 --> 00:18:12,261
- Oh.
- Ooh, difficult, Isn't It?
329
00:18:12,295 --> 00:18:15,060
Kitchen. Yeah.
330
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,460
Nah.
331
00:18:16,495 --> 00:18:18,338
Ooh, might be cooking fish.
332
00:18:18,375 --> 00:18:20,776
Yeah. That's exactly
what I was thinking.
333
00:18:21,815 --> 00:18:23,783
Up there.
334
00:18:23,815 --> 00:18:25,579
Yeah.
335
00:18:25,615 --> 00:18:28,221
Oh, no, cos we'll have to crane
our necks to Look at him.
336
00:18:28,255 --> 00:18:31,816
Yeah, that'd be...
Aah, that hurts.
337
00:18:38,735 --> 00:18:43,901
- Getting a bit heavy now.
- 57, 58, 59...
338
00:18:43,935 --> 00:18:45,346
- 60.
- Arms are killing me.
339
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:46,581
- How about there?
- Yeah?
340
00:18:46,615 --> 00:18:48,617
- Just put it there. Yeah.
- OK.
341
00:18:50,295 --> 00:18:52,263
I'll get the fish.
342
00:18:52,295 --> 00:18:53,979
Vince, my hands are stuck.
343
00:18:54,015 --> 00:18:55,488
Hmm?
344
00:18:55,500 --> 00:18:56,985
Vince, my hands are
stuck to the sides.
345
00:18:57,015 --> 00:18:58,460
Yeah, they will be, yeah.
346
00:18:58,495 --> 00:19:01,544
Here we go. Look. There he goes.
347
00:19:01,575 --> 00:19:02,986
What have you done?
348
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:05,018
I've glued your hands
to the fish tank.
349
00:19:05,055 --> 00:19:06,466
But, I got you a fish.
350
00:19:06,495 --> 00:19:08,338
- Why?
- Keep you company.
351
00:19:08,375 --> 00:19:10,343
No, why have you glued my hands.
352
00:19:10,376 --> 00:19:12,538
Well, firstly, so I can
get some sleep at night.
353
00:19:12,575 --> 00:19:15,021
And secondly, stops you smoking.
354
00:19:15,055 --> 00:19:16,784
So, we're all winners.
355
00:19:16,815 --> 00:19:19,341
I don't feel like a winner.
356
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,786
Ohh, it ways a ton.
357
00:19:20,815 --> 00:19:23,625
Yeah, and don't try and tip all
the water out, the fish'll die.
358
00:19:23,655 --> 00:19:25,464
I've thought this through.
359
00:19:25,495 --> 00:19:27,657
You can't do this!
360
00:19:27,695 --> 00:19:29,140
It's not illegal.
361
00:19:29,175 --> 00:19:31,223
I bought some glue, you
picked up a fish tank.
362
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:33,337
It just seems wrong to me.
363
00:19:33,375 --> 00:19:35,457
Look, I got you a castle.
364
00:19:35,495 --> 00:19:37,384
Ohh.
365
00:19:37,415 --> 00:19:40,146
- And a treasure chest.
- Ahh.
366
00:19:40,175 --> 00:19:43,258
No, hang on, I've
gotta go out tonight.
367
00:19:43,295 --> 00:19:46,856
Oh, right. What, smoking,
with your smoking pals?
368
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:49,341
- No.
- I'm doing this for you, Errol
369
00:19:49,375 --> 00:19:50,945
Well, and me.
370
00:19:50,975 --> 00:19:53,057
Vince... And I'm hungry.
371
00:19:53,095 --> 00:19:55,302
And I'm getting an
itch behind me ear.
372
00:19:55,335 --> 00:19:57,099
And I really need a smoke.
373
00:19:57,135 --> 00:19:58,625
Vince!
374
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:00,862
Really need a smoke.
375
00:20:00,895 --> 00:20:03,216
You fff...�?ippin'
376
00:20:03,255 --> 00:20:05,257
SSS-sod!
377
00:20:11,135 --> 00:20:15,265
? Ohh-ohhh what an atmosphere ?
378
00:20:15,295 --> 00:20:20,779
? I love a party with
a happy atmosphere ?
379
00:20:20,815 --> 00:20:23,216
Ahh, stick it up your arse.
380
00:20:42,216 --> 00:20:45,220
Aw!
381
00:20:48,975 --> 00:20:50,739
Ah.
382
00:20:55,615 --> 00:20:57,424
Ahh.
383
00:21:02,215 --> 00:21:04,946
Yeah, well leave it with me,
I'll see what I can do.
384
00:21:04,975 --> 00:21:06,386
I can't leave it with you.
385
00:21:06,415 --> 00:21:08,861
That's the point, I can't
leave it anywhere.
386
00:21:08,895 --> 00:21:11,262
I was hoping you could
fiddle with it.
387
00:21:11,295 --> 00:21:13,184
Not... No, not fiddle, just...
388
00:21:13,215 --> 00:21:15,297
Sort it out so I can put
it down for a few hours.
389
00:21:15,335 --> 00:21:16,905
It's crying all. the time.
390
00:21:16,935 --> 00:21:18,539
Well, just be nice to it, then.
391
00:21:18,575 --> 00:21:21,465
It's not a real baby.
It's a gadget.
392
00:21:21,495 --> 00:21:23,736
All right, I'll have
to take the back off.
393
00:21:27,295 --> 00:21:29,263
Ah. Mm.
394
00:21:30,295 --> 00:21:32,218
Mmm.
395
00:21:48,735 --> 00:21:50,100
Careful.
396
00:21:50,135 --> 00:21:52,502
Look, you'll. have to
take this somewhere else.
397
00:21:52,535 --> 00:21:54,060
L-I'm not up to this today.
398
00:21:54,095 --> 00:21:56,746
- What's the matter?
- I've just given up smoking.
399
00:21:56,776 --> 00:21:58,824
I'm a bit... You know?
400
00:21:58,855 --> 00:22:00,983
Well, have a cigarette.
401
00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:02,426
I'm trying to give up.
402
00:22:02,455 --> 00:22:05,026
Well, just one.
It'd calm you down.
403
00:22:05,055 --> 00:22:08,025
I can't have just one.
404
00:22:08,055 --> 00:22:09,545
What... A Little one?
405
00:22:09,576 --> 00:22:11,180
I wish I could.
406
00:22:11,215 --> 00:22:14,662
After a meal..or
after I've had sex.
407
00:22:15,215 --> 00:22:17,582
Sold some batteries.
408
00:22:17,615 --> 00:22:18,696
Seen a ghost.
409
00:22:18,735 --> 00:22:21,864
Yeah. Yeah, well, you'll
need one after that.
410
00:22:21,895 --> 00:22:24,739
- Or after a fight or car crash.
- Mm.
411
00:22:24,775 --> 00:22:27,619
Tell you what's nice, to have
one before you do something.
412
00:22:27,655 --> 00:22:30,704
Oh, yeah. That can be nice.
413
00:22:30,735 --> 00:22:32,578
Like before a driving test.
414
00:22:32,616 --> 00:22:33,822
Operation.
415
00:22:33,855 --> 00:22:36,620
- Breakfast.
- Ohh, I miss that one.
416
00:22:36,655 --> 00:22:38,896
Mm. I tell you what I feel like,
417
00:22:38,935 --> 00:22:43,338
is when you have one during,
you just stop. just...
418
00:22:43,375 --> 00:22:47,141
- What, like a crossword?
- Cup of tea, biscuit.
419
00:22:47,175 --> 00:22:49,621
Oh, yeah. Or during the night.
420
00:22:49,655 --> 00:22:53,137
- Why not?
- Ohh!
421
00:22:53,175 --> 00:22:54,620
I love fags.
422
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,139
D'you know what my favourite is?
423
00:22:57,175 --> 00:22:59,337
The "no reason" fag.
424
00:23:00,015 --> 00:23:01,824
Ooh. The best!
425
00:23:01,855 --> 00:23:03,903
You don't even want it.
You've just put one out.
426
00:23:03,935 --> 00:23:05,664
- Oh, yes!
- And everyone says,
427
00:23:05,695 --> 00:23:08,062
"You're not gonna have
another one?" And you say...
428
00:23:08,695 --> 00:23:10,902
- Yes!
- Cos they're my fags,
429
00:23:10,935 --> 00:23:13,415
I bought them, and I'll
smoke 'em when I want to.
430
00:23:14,615 --> 00:23:16,060
Say that again.
431
00:23:16,095 --> 00:23:18,177
- Cos they're my fags...
- They're my fags.
432
00:23:18,215 --> 00:23:19,865
- I bought them...
- I bought 'em.
433
00:23:19,895 --> 00:23:22,944
- ..and I smoke 'em when I want to.
- And I smoke 'em when I want to.
434
00:23:22,975 --> 00:23:25,581
They're my fags, I bought them,
435
00:23:25,615 --> 00:23:27,504
and I'll smoke 'em
when I want to.
436
00:23:27,535 --> 00:23:30,141
- Shall we get some?
- Yeah! 2O Rothmans.
437
00:23:30,175 --> 00:23:31,745
[REED
438
00:23:31,775 --> 00:23:33,106
40!
439
00:23:33,135 --> 00:23:34,580
Yeah!
440
00:23:55,335 --> 00:23:57,702
Ned? You been smoking?
441
00:23:57,736 --> 00:24:00,467
Urn, no. Er... WeU, yeah.
Er... l-I�??m sorry.
442
00:24:00,495 --> 00:24:02,543
L-I'm He-He made me do It.
443
00:24:02,575 --> 00:24:04,065
You bastard.
444
00:24:04,095 --> 00:24:07,019
Yeah. Yeah, you bastard.
H-He made me do it...
445
00:24:22,815 --> 00:24:24,817
All right, Errol
446
00:24:30,455 --> 00:24:34,505
- Ohh. Just had a horrible burger.
- Mm.
447
00:24:34,536 --> 00:24:36,345
Ohh.
448
00:24:37,495 --> 00:24:39,497
Ohh, it was really horrible.
449
00:24:41,055 --> 00:24:43,820
- You been smoking?
- No.
450
00:24:43,855 --> 00:24:46,540
Oh, Martin.
451
00:24:54,935 --> 00:24:57,745
Gone off fags now,
they're disgusting.
452
00:24:57,775 --> 00:25:01,018
I've only been out an hour.
You seen his bottle?
453
00:25:06,015 --> 00:25:08,177
You know, er...
454
00:25:08,215 --> 00:25:10,536
Vince, I think I'm cured.
455
00:25:10,575 --> 00:25:12,384
Nah. No, no, no. Not yet.
456
00:25:12,415 --> 00:25:14,656
When?
457
00:25:14,695 --> 00:25:17,505
It can take weeks, OK?
458
00:25:17,535 --> 00:25:21,859
It's my birthday next Saturday,
I can't go bowling like this!
459
00:25:21,896 --> 00:25:24,024
You can't treat me like this.
460
00:25:24,055 --> 00:25:25,420
You idiot!
461
00:25:38,335 --> 00:25:40,144
Sorry.
462
00:25:40,175 --> 00:25:42,064
I don't believe you.
463
00:25:42,095 --> 00:25:44,143
Just heard Nana's died
464
00:25:44,175 --> 00:25:46,542
and all you can think
about is your stomach.
465
00:25:46,575 --> 00:25:48,065
Sorry.
466
00:25:48,095 --> 00:25:49,779
But it was a really
'horrible burger.
467
00:25:59,615 --> 00:26:02,095
There you go. Two days
older, two days wiser.
468
00:26:02,135 --> 00:26:05,696
And if you're thinking of using
him again, we named him Martin.
469
00:26:06,255 --> 00:26:07,825
I know that look.
470
00:26:07,855 --> 00:26:09,698
You want to know what happened.
471
00:26:09,735 --> 00:26:13,217
- Well, it was fine until last night.
- We don't need your excuse.
472
00:26:13,255 --> 00:26:15,462
The only version we
need is the baby's.
473
00:26:20,776 --> 00:26:22,744
7:45 it drowned.
474
00:26:23,775 --> 00:26:26,381
7:49 its leg melted.
475
00:26:27,575 --> 00:26:29,259
And at 8:05 its head fell off.
476
00:26:29,295 --> 00:26:32,617
If you carry on, you'll. see how
at 8:22 It's head went back on.
477
00:26:34,135 --> 00:26:38,106
Mr Clark, can you explain what...
What happened?
478
00:26:38,135 --> 00:26:41,264
After it drowned I put it
near the fire to dry off
479
00:26:41,295 --> 00:26:42,706
when its leg melted
480
00:26:42,735 --> 00:26:45,306
which wouldn't happen
with a normal baby.
481
00:26:45,335 --> 00:26:47,781
Then my �?atmate - who's
trying to give up smoking -
482
00:26:47,815 --> 00:26:51,376
he lunged for it, forgetting that
he was glued to an aquarium.
483
00:26:51,415 --> 00:26:53,622
Which wouldn't happen
with a normal flatmate.
484
00:26:53,655 --> 00:26:55,498
So now it's got glass
stuck in its head.
485
00:26:55,535 --> 00:26:57,981
So I was trying to dig
it out with a corkscrew
486
00:26:58,015 --> 00:26:59,779
when its head came off.
487
00:26:59,816 --> 00:27:03,423
And it was precisely at
that point that I realised,
488
00:27:03,455 --> 00:27:04,900
I'm not gonna get this job,
489
00:27:04,936 --> 00:27:07,382
so, Let's have some fun with it.
490
00:27:10,335 --> 00:27:12,815
It's a baby!
491
00:27:34,066 --> 00:27:36,066
Errol, can you go get
the rest of the baby.
492
00:27:36,116 --> 00:27:40,666
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