All language subtitles for The Munsters s01e06 Low-Cal Munster

[Groaning, Gasping]

[Wind Howling]

[Man]
Ah!
Here we are!

Look at that bird.
Mother, you've outdone
yourself this time.

Just put it down
and let me get started on it.

May we be truly thankful
for what we're about to receive.

[Thunder Crashes]

What does everybody want?
[All Chattering]

[Screaming]

[Thinking]
That tall, dark,
handsome-looking fellow...

you're looking at is me.

I guess you're wondering
what's going on here.

Well, it all started
about 10 days ago,

when I was invited to a reunion
of my old army outfit.

[Lily]
You can't do it.

No matter how hard you try,
it just won't fit.

I don't understand it.

It must have shrunk
since I got out of the army.
[Chuckles]

Were you a hero in the war, Dad?

Well, I don't like
to brag, Eddie,

but when I'd get up out
of that foxhole,

the enemy would take
one look at me
in this uniform and run.

Come to think of it,
a lot of our guys used to
look at me and run too.

You can forget about
wearing it to the reunion.
It just doesn't fit.

Look. This is the first time
in 20 years...

the guys from my old outfit
are getting together.

They're all gonna be wearing
their uniforms at the banquet.

How will it look if I'm
the only guy to show up in civvies?
They'll all stare at me.

Herman, I don't want you
to go at all.

I know what goes on
at those so-called reunions.

Besides, if there's one thing
you don't need, it's a banquet.

Just look at you.

What's wrong with me?
What's wrong?

You're too fat.
That's what's wrong.
Fat? Me, fat?

Yeah.
Marilyn, I ask you...
am I too fat?

- Well...
- Never mind!

What are you yelling
at Marilyn for?

I mean, don't you know that
fat men are supposed to be jolly?

That's not the issue.
Herman, if you go to that reunion,
you'll be away overnight.

Lily...
Herman,

we haven't been separated
in over a hundred years.

But, Lily, it's just one night.

I know just the way Lily feels.

I felt the same way about Grandma.
[Sighs]

Oh, she was quite a woman,
your grandma.

Lily, I wanna go to the reunion.
I wanna, I wanna! I wanna!

All right, Herman.
I'll tell you what.

The reunion is still
10 days away.

If you can lose enough weight
to get into your uniform
by then, you can go.

You got yourself a deal.
I'll just stop eating.

Oh, no. No, no.
You'll have to to go to a doctor
and have a physical examination.

Get him to put you
on a sensible diet.

I don't want a sick corpse
on my hands.

Okay. You've got
yourself a deal.

[Man]
What are my appointments today?

[Woman]
Well, you have a new patient...
a Mr. Munster.

He's here for a checkup.
Something about a diet.

Then you have a pretty full schedule
till noontime.

A diet, huh?
Oh, all right.

Oh, would you take these glasses
down to the optometrist
down the hall?

The lens keeps popping out
on me, and I'm so nearsighted,
I can't see a thing without 'em.

I'll be right back, Doctor.

[Knocking]
Yes. Yes.

Excuse me.
There's no one outside,
and I have an appointment.

- I'm Herman Munster.
- Oh, yes.

My nurse just
stepped down the hall.
Uh, come in.

I'm Doctor Dudley.
How do you do?

Well, Mr. Munster,
I see you brought your doggie.

I'm afraid he'll
have to wait outside
unless he's had his shots.

I'm afraid you don't understand.
I'm here for an examination.

I have some weight
to lose in a hurry.

Oh, yes.
You're the gentleman.
Who wants the diet.

Well, my nurse
just took my glasses
to be repaired, and, uh...

I could come back later.
No need. No need.
It's just a routine physical.

I could do it blindfolded.

Now, if you just
sit down over here,
I'll look you over.

Now,
stick out your tongue.

Doc?

Oh, there you are.
You mustn't be afraid of me.

Now, have, uh,
you ever had the measles?

Chicken pox?

Or the mumps?
Or severe dizziness
or headaches?

No. Just the Black Plague.

Black Plague?
Very funny.

Something wrong?

No, no. That's what I get
for buying this equipment
from my brother-in-law.

Now, have, uh...

have you had your appendix
or, uh, tonsils...

or gallbladder
or spleen removed?

No, not since
they were first put in.

Quite a comedian,
aren't ya?

Sixty-two point eight?
Why, that's incredible!

Oh, not really.

I always run a little fever
when I'm nervous.

Well, you mustn't be nervous.
And now I'll take your pulse.

Now, look, I told you once...
you got to get
the dog out of here!

Scoot! Scoot!
Doc, that's my hand.

Y-You mean you were
born with this?

No, someone else was.
And I'll always be grateful.

Not everyone will give you
a hand when you need one.

If you're gonna make me laugh,
we'll be here all day.

Now, if you'll just step
over here to the scale,
Mr. Munster.

Doc, I hate to contradict you,

but the scale is over here.

Oh, I'm sorry.
The woman that dusts for me
keeps moving my things.

Now, if you'll just step up here.

[Bongs Four Times]

4:00 already?
Where's the nurse
with those glasses?

Well, shall we check
the old tick-tick-ticker?

Keep the best for the last.

Mr. Munster, now,
if you'll just sit down here.

That... That-a-boy.

Here we go.

You know, I just discovered
something extraordinary.

I can't hear a thing
without my glasses.

Doc...

How silly of me.
You ought to be a doctor.

[Knocking]
There we are.

[Knocking Continues]
Comin' in good.

Doc, I think
there's someone at the door.

[Knocking Continues]
You're right. Excuse me.

Here are your glasses, Doctor.
Thank you, Nurse.

She's pretty but poky.
Well, shall we, uh,

push on, Mr. Munster?

Is there a doctor in the house?

Lily? Grandpa?

Lily? Oh.
Listen to this.
It's from the doctor.

What were the results
of your examination?
"Dear Mr. Munster,

"I have studied the results
of your examination...

"and have reached
the following conclusions:

"Your pulse is 15;
your blood pressure is minus three;

body temperature, 62.8;
and heartbeat, none."

So far, so good.

"Furthermore, it is my duty
as a physician to warn you...

that unless you go on the enclosed diet
and lose 100 pounds immediately,
you'll be dead in a week."

- But if I'm dead,
I can't go to the reunion.
- Well, I don't know.

That never stopped me
from going anywhere.

I'm gonna lose a hundred pounds
and go to the reunion...

in uniform...
even if it kills me.

Herman, lunch.

I don't know how he's done it.
Six days on nothing
but vitamins and water.

I didn't think he'd really be
able to stick to it this long.

Herman. Hurry up.
Your lunch is getting cold.

Mmm.
Looks delicious.

And what have we here?

Vitamins and water.
Oh, Lily.

Oh. And a B-12 too.

Lily, you shouldn't have gone
to so much trouble.

Delicious. Would you pass...

[Chewing Loudly]

[Sloshing]

[Burps]

I never knew you could get
indigestion from water.

Has anybody got a toothpick?

Enough is enough!

You win.
Go to the reunion.

Just don't wear your uniform.
But please, eat something.

No! Now it's become
a matter of principle.

And besides, I've just got
four more days to go.

Four more days.

You'll never make it.

Never make it.

[Stomach Bubbling]

[Bubbling Continues]

Aha!
Grandpa!

What are you doing
hanging around down here?

What am I doing?
[Chuckles]
What are you doing?

- I thought I heard a burglar.
- Of course.

And you thought you'd find him
in the refrigerator.

[Laughing]

Herman, put yourself
in my place...

and look at the diet
from a sensible position.

No. I've only got two more
days to go, and I've got to
get to that reunion.

For your own good,
take my advice.

Listen to someone whose head
is not always in the clouds.

Eat something already.

No. Now it's become
a matter of principle.

I'm gonna see it through!

You'll never make it.
[Laughing]

You'll never make it!

Good night.

[Stomach Bubbling]

And please stop that noise.

I'm trying to get some sleep.

[Bubbling Continues]

[Objects Clattering]

Oh, come on, Uncle Herman.
Eat something. Please?

Look. Today is my last day.

I'm gonna make it.
Tomorrow's the reunion.

You'll never last.
You'll eat before the day is up.

Oh, no, I won't.

Tonight at dinner,
can I have his drumstick?
We'll see, dear.

- Drumstick?
- Yeah. Today's Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving?
I told you
he wouldn't make it.

You mean, Thanksgiving
with turkey and cranberry sauce?

That kind ofThanksgiving?
Yeah, that's the kind...

with the dressing
and the mashed potatoes
and the gravy.

With the dressing
and the mashed potatoes
and the gravy...

And the pickled beets
and the mushrooms
and the candied yams.

With the pickled beets
and the mushrooms,
the candied yams...

And the olives and the celery
stuffed with Roquefort cheese.

Olives, the celery
stuffed with Roquefort cheese.

And the homemade biscuits
oozing with melted butter.

Homemade biscuits
oozing with melted butter...
And don't forget the pumpkin pie!

Pumpkin pie...
[Gasps]

Oh! He fainted!

Oh! Oh, Herman. Herman.

Oh. Oh, Herman.
[Grandpa]
I'll call the doctor.

Oh, are you all right,
pussycat?

He's right
in here, Doctor.
Thank you.

I didn't like the look of him
when he was in my office last week.

Didn't like the looks of his doggie either.
A little on the mangy side.

Well, I don't know what you're
talking about, Doctor, but I do
think you ought to examine him.

All right.
We'll have a look here.

What are you doing, Doctor?

I hate to say this,
but, uh, you called me
a little too late.

There's nothing more
I can do.

What do you mean?
This is just a fainting spell.
He's had these before.

Well, eight or nine times
in the last 100 years!

I'm very sorry. Now, if you'll
just help me fill out this form
for the authorities,

I won't intrude on you
any longer.

Now, was he a resident
of the country
over six months?

Well, yes, but...
Did he serve
in the armed forces?

Of course, Doctor, but what...
How many years?

Three years, but...
Three years.

[Herman]
Four years.
Four years.

What was that?
I said it was four years.

Don't you remember, Lily?
The first year I was at Fort Benning.

Then I went overseas.
And then I was transferred
to that outfit...

[Cries Out]

[Gasping, Shouting]

That doctor is ill.
He shouldn't be allowed
around sick people.

Lily, what happened?

The last thing I remember
is something about pumpkin pie.

It's all right, Herman.
You just fainted.

That silly doctor
thought you were dead.

What a ridiculous mistake.
[Scoffs]

I may be starving to death,
but I'm the picture of health.

Just the same, this diet
has gone far enough.

No reunion is worth it.

No. I've only got
24 hours to go.

Lily, only 24 hours.
And I'm gonna make it.

All I need is a little something
to hold me through the day.

Herman, I think I have
just the thing that will hold you.

That oughta hold you.
Thanks a lot.

I knew I could
depend on you.

This reunion must be
awfully important to you, Herman.

Are you sure this is
the way you want it?

Lily, it's the only way.
[Lily] Well, Herman,
we have to go now.

We thought we'd eat
our Thanksgiving dinner out.

That way, you won't be bothered
by the smell of food.

- Can you see the TV set
all right, Uncle Herman?
- Fine. Fine.

- You sure you'll be all right?
- Oh, sure.

Just go out
and enjoy yourselves.
Have a hearty meal.

Bon app�tit.

Well, good-bye, Herman.

Good-bye. Good-bye.
Good-bye, Eddie.
Good night, dear.

Good night.
Good-bye, Uncle Herman.

Good night, Marilyn.
Don't worry about me.

I'll be just fine.

[Thinking]
Hmph! Big deal.

A turkey dinner.
Who needs it, anyway?

[Man On TV]
That was a program of dinner music
coming to you from the Gourmet Room...

Iocated in the heart
of Eaton, Pennsylvania.

And now, a word
from our sponsor.

Are you in the market
for a Thanksgiving dinner...

with all the trimmings?

The phone our send-home department,
and within an hour, on your table,
a hot turkey dinner...

the finest of succulent white meat,
the tastiest drumsticks,

the spiciest of stuffings, all smothered
in a deep, rich brown gravy.

[Gasping]

[Man Continues, Indistinct]

[Groaning, Gasping]

[Man]
Then top off this
delectable repast...

with a delicious slice of...
[Indistinct]
[Grunting]

In a sea of hot fudge sauce...

[Caws]

[Screams]

Ah!
Here we are!

Look at that bird.
Mother, you've outdone
yourself this time.

Just put it down
and let me get started on it.

May we be truly thankful
for what we're about to receive.

[Thunder Crashes]

Now, let's see.
What does everybody want?

[All Chattering]

Oh, this cuts beautifully.

[Screaming]

Turkey. Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm. Delicious!
Mmm. Boy. Mashed potatoes.

Mashed potatoes. Oh, will you pass
the brussels sprouts, please?

Mmm. That's good.

And this turkey is delicious.!

Did you make the dressing yourself?
Delicious! Oh, would you give
my wife the recipe?

Where is the cranberry sauce?

Uh, would someone pass me
the cranberry sauce?

What's a Thanksgiving
without cranberry sauce?

Will you pass the cranberry sauce?

I want some cranberry sauce!

Where's Herman?

He's up in the attic
trying on his uniform.

[Chuckling]
That's right.

Tonight's the reunion
of his old army outfit.

Boy, the way he ate last night,
he'll never get into that uniform!

It was very nice of Mrs. Farber
not to send for the police
after the way Herman acted.

Mrs. Farber was very understanding.
As a matter of fact,

she said whenever her husband
goes on a diet, he acts hardly human.

[Chuckles]
Becomes a regular fiend.

Not only did Herman eat
their entire dinner...

but he even brought home
the cranberry sauce
in a doggie bag.

Gee, Dad, you look great!
Thank you, son.

There certainly is something
about a soldier.

I never thought I'd be saying
good-bye to you again in uniform.

Lily, it's just one night,
you know.

I'm not going overseas.

What's this?

Just my ribs, that's all.

Let's see.
Uh...

It's a bulletproof vest.

[Laughing]
"Bulletproof vest."
That's Grandma's old corset.

Well, I admit
it's not strictly G.I.,

but that cranberry sauce
sure puts weight on ya!