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1
00:00:02,236 --> 00:00:05,404
I don't normally respond to
personal ads,
2
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:07,339
but when I read yours...
3
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:11,243
"Trust fund heiress loves TV,
cats, and wrestling seeks
4
00:00:11,245 --> 00:00:14,980
sharp dresser with common
interests," I knew it was fate.
5
00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,915
Thanks again for
letting me pay.
6
00:00:16,917 --> 00:00:18,117
Of course.
7
00:00:18,119 --> 00:00:20,486
Going Dutch isn't that
romantic.
8
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,921
So, Dan I know you love TV.
9
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,324
But I'm dying to know
what shows you like.
10
00:00:25,326 --> 00:00:30,195
I'll watch absolutely
anything...except reality TV.
11
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:33,499
I can't sit through that
gibberish.
12
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:36,502
The Reality Network is the
only channel I watch!
13
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:40,572
But, you seem so...not vapid.
14
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,142
(abby laughs)
You're kinda funny.
15
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,744
Well, at least you like cats.
16
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,046
Oh, I love cats.
17
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:48,614
I had one this afternoon.
18
00:00:48,616 --> 00:00:50,816
Had? What happened to it?
19
00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,719
What do you mean? I ate it.
I looove cats.
20
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:56,388
Especially with a
little teriyaki sauce.
21
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,791
Oh delicious,
You want some leftovers?
22
00:00:58,793 --> 00:01:00,859
It's really good cold!
23
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:04,997
Look Abby, even though you're
the only female wrestling fan
24
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,832
I've met who's
graduated high school,
25
00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,601
I just don't think this
is going to work out.
26
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:10,669
Wrestling FAN?
27
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:12,304
I'm not some loser fan!
28
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:16,041
When I said I love wrestling,
I meant the real deal.
29
00:01:17,812 --> 00:01:19,445
Easy now.
30
00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,680
This is no way to deal with
a break up.
31
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,083
The only thing breaking
up is your face.
32
00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,719
(dan yelps)
33
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:31,290
? ?
34
00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,458
(beaten, out of breath)
Get off of me,
35
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:35,394
you cat eating savage.
36
00:01:36,897 --> 00:01:37,696
Wait, Dan!
37
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:39,932
Just one more thing!
38
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:42,301
I'm an actor.
I don't eat cats.
39
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,869
And those are hidden cameras.
40
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:46,872
You're on The Reality
Network's "Fake Date!"
41
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,908
What?
42
00:01:49,910 --> 00:01:53,278
And...CUT!
43
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:56,915
How could you embarrass
me like this?!
44
00:01:56,917 --> 00:01:58,150
Dan, great work back there.
45
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,619
Buddy Star, executive producer.
What can I do for you?
46
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:03,021
You can hand over that tape!
47
00:02:03,023 --> 00:02:04,623
You made a fool out of me!
48
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:07,126
Exactly.
That's how Reality TV works.
49
00:02:07,128 --> 00:02:08,828
First, you look ridiculous,
50
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:10,529
then I show it to millions
of people, then I get rich.
51
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,531
Boom! Educated.
52
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:18,137
(buddy laughs)
53
00:02:18,139 --> 00:02:20,806
Too bad we also had cameras
There, there, there, oh,
54
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,608
and a one in your soup.
55
00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:23,242
aaahhhh
56
00:02:26,413 --> 00:02:31,783
REALITY TV!!!
57
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,528
When we left for commercial,
58
00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:45,497
we were talking about how nobody
wants to come to a cold,
59
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,734
dark police station when
they're gettin arrested.
60
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,669
Which is why I'm
gonna show you how,
61
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:54,206
with a few throw pillows
and a lot of lace,
62
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:57,242
you can turn your jail-house
into a jail-home.
63
00:02:57,244 --> 00:03:00,145
(pop-corn crunch)
64
00:03:00,147 --> 00:03:03,415
How can you watch that filth?
65
00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,617
How long have you
been standing there?
66
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:08,053
Long enough to pity you.
67
00:03:08,055 --> 00:03:11,256
This afternoon, I was duped
into being a puppet on a
68
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:13,625
ridiculous reality show.
69
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:16,328
Hey! You're gonna be on TV!
70
00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:18,230
I don't want to be on TV!
71
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:22,868
I'm not an entertainer,
Chris, I'm an entertainee.
72
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:25,904
Which that slimeball
fails to understand.
73
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:26,805
What slimeball?
74
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:29,641
Who cares?!
Some stupid producer.
75
00:03:29,643 --> 00:03:30,642
Buddy something.
76
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,778
Let's go!
77
00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:35,647
Tune in next week when
we get cozy at--
78
00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:38,884
Ninja Dave's cookies.
79
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:43,789
Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone,
telling you to stay cozy.
80
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,524
Or else.
81
00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:46,314
? ?
82
00:03:46,315 --> 00:03:47,103
(buddy star v.o.)
You just watched a
83
00:03:47,104 --> 00:03:47,892
Buddy Star production.
84
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,394
Way to go, you.
85
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:50,829
(dan o.s.)
Buddy Star!
86
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:53,498
That's the guy who
bamboozled me.
87
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,017
Hey, Honey!
88
00:03:55,018 --> 00:03:56,535
Want to come meet a famous
reality TV producer before
89
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,303
Dan ruins his life?
90
00:03:58,305 --> 00:04:03,041
Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really
into Reality TV. Or Dan.
91
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,177
Besides, weren't we going to
fix the water heater?
92
00:04:05,179 --> 00:04:06,245
(Dan clears his throat)
93
00:04:06,247 --> 00:04:07,512
You're right.
94
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:09,848
One of us should probably
stay.
95
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:14,753
How hard is it to turn off a
TV?
96
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,455
(buddy star o.s.)
This week on "Fake Date."
97
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:18,173
(buddy star v.o.)
An angry little
98
00:04:18,174 --> 00:04:19,890
man answers the
wrong personal ad.
99
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:22,761
(tony minestrone v.o.)
Hello and welcome to
100
00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:25,630
another installment of "Gettin'
Cozy with Tony Minestrone."
101
00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:30,135
Now, right after they post your
bail, you're gonna be hungry.
102
00:04:30,137 --> 00:04:32,588
Trust me.
103
00:04:32,589 --> 00:04:35,040
That's why today, we're at
Ninja Dave's Cookie Shop.
104
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:40,045
I can already tell this place
needs A LOT of cozying up.
105
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:43,282
Wow! The real Tony Minestrone.
106
00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:45,751
He looks much thinner since
he had his stomach stapled.
107
00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,119
Who cares?
108
00:04:47,121 --> 00:04:49,288
You may be wondering,
109
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,456
what do throw pillows have
to do with a cookie shop?
110
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,257
(buddy star o.s.)
Cut!
111
00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,126
These two idiots
are in my shot!
112
00:04:54,128 --> 00:04:57,095
HEY! You just ruined
a perfect take.
113
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,031
Wait a minute,
Don't I know you?
114
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:02,000
I'm the guy you
humiliated on "Fake Date"
115
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:04,202
and I'm here to return the
favor.
116
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:05,804
Oh, yeah. Good to see you.
117
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,406
But not in my shot.
118
00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:10,142
Tony?
119
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:12,877
Sorry guys, but you're all up
in my feng shui and whatnot.
120
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,513
By the way, big fan.
121
00:05:14,515 --> 00:05:16,481
(crashing sound)
122
00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:17,783
Wow, Dan!
123
00:05:17,785 --> 00:05:21,053
These are the actual throw
pillows Tony uses on TV.
124
00:05:21,055 --> 00:05:23,255
Do you think it's okay if I
keep one?
125
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:25,357
What do you mean they passed?
126
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:27,893
Audiences are crying
out for a show like
127
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,461
"Who Wants To Eat
A Polar Bear?"
128
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:31,430
Grab as many as you can.
129
00:05:34,501 --> 00:05:35,467
(phone beeps off)
130
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:36,434
What are you still doing here?
131
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:41,273
We've decided to beat you to
death with throw pillows.
132
00:05:41,275 --> 00:05:42,841
Wait, to death?
133
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,243
Stop! You don't
have to do this.
134
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:49,114
Yes I do. Reality TV is
the worst entertainment
135
00:05:49,116 --> 00:05:50,916
medium since witch-burning.
136
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,551
If you want to entertain people,
137
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:55,253
why don't you try making a real
show?
138
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:57,956
With fictional characters who
live in
139
00:05:57,958 --> 00:06:00,392
impossibly convenient worlds?
140
00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,828
Hey, we'd all love to
write a real show.
141
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,529
But it's hard.
142
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,098
I don't have any ideas.
143
00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:07,299
Really?
144
00:06:07,301 --> 00:06:11,036
I have drawers full of stuff
that could be on TV.
145
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:11,937
Oh, well.
146
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:14,940
(pillows thrashing)
147
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,175
Wait, wait, wait wait!
I have a thought.
148
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,611
Look, all I want to do
is produce television.
149
00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:20,879
If you've got better ideas,
150
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:23,815
I will cancel every reality
show on my roster.
151
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,183
Come to my estate for lunch
tomorrow.
152
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:26,785
We'll talk.
153
00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,362
Now this is how
you treat a guy.
154
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,171
Whoo! This is Dan.
155
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:49,074
He's a wildman who's not afraid
to say what's on his mind.
156
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,476
And he's our last
contestant on...
157
00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:52,310
America's Next Top Amazing
Bachelor Challenge!
158
00:06:55,816 --> 00:07:00,752
If you're watching this-
Notify the authorities!
159
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:03,355
I'm being held against my will!
160
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:16,835
America's Next Top Amazing
Bachelor Challenge?
161
00:07:16,837 --> 00:07:18,804
We had a deal!
162
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,338
You're right.
163
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,274
I completely betrayed your
trust.
164
00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,775
How does that make you feel?
165
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:29,464
Uh uh uh.
166
00:07:29,465 --> 00:07:31,315
Once America's Next Top Amazing
Bachelor Challenge begins,
167
00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:33,051
contestants cannot leave.
168
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:35,220
Can and will!
169
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:37,422
Not until our lovely
bachelorette chooses
170
00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:40,292
one of four complete strangers
to be her soulmate.
171
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:42,327
Who's excited to meet her?
172
00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:43,895
Whoo Hoo alright ?
173
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:45,797
? Ba-da-bing ba-da-boom,
were out.
174
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,365
? Yeaahh! Alright!
175
00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,267
(grunting)
176
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:52,070
Give it up for...Kelly!
177
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,973
You've got some nerve, Buddy.
178
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:57,209
Haven't I already
proven I'm capable
179
00:07:57,211 --> 00:07:59,377
of highly erratic behavior?
180
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,612
(whispers to Dan)
Of course you have.
181
00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,681
And then some.
182
00:08:02,682 --> 00:08:04,749
You might be the loosest cannon
that reality TV's ever seen.
183
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:07,886
And I need more, Dan.
America needs more.
184
00:08:07,888 --> 00:08:08,787
How bout it guys?
185
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,056
Isn't Kelly stunning?
186
00:08:11,058 --> 00:08:12,157
(cheer and applaud)
187
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:17,629
Awww. You guys are sweet.
188
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,781
To break the ice,
189
00:08:19,782 --> 00:08:21,932
Kelly has made a very
special video for you guys.
190
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,568
Let's take a look!
191
00:08:26,240 --> 00:08:31,610
Hey guys. My name is Kelly,
and I'm looking for love.
192
00:08:31,612 --> 00:08:37,048
But I'm not just a pretty face.
I also have lots of interests.
193
00:08:39,686 --> 00:08:42,487
Kelly seems like a really
interesting girl.
194
00:08:42,489 --> 00:08:45,624
Kelly, you seem like
an interesting girl.
195
00:08:45,626 --> 00:08:47,926
Aww. You're sweet.
196
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:48,760
Aahhhem!!
197
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,178
(trumpet sounds)
198
00:08:50,179 --> 00:08:51,595
Oh. You know what
that sound means!
199
00:08:51,598 --> 00:08:55,000
It's time for our first
challenge!
200
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,469
Ohh! Maybe it's a swimsuit
competition!
201
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,871
Fine, but I swim in the nude.
202
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:03,575
Now, Kelly really wants her
soulmate to be sensitive.
203
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,877
Which is why your first
America's Next Top Bachelor
204
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,812
Challenge challenge is...
205
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:13,318
to serenade Kelly with
an original song!
206
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:17,055
Okay Crunchopottomus,
it's all yours.
207
00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:19,524
Neck deep in flesh-eating sand
fleas!
208
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,559
That's so weird!
209
00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,994
This is exactly how I got
in my frat.
210
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:24,029
But be careful maestros.
211
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,598
You're being judged.
212
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:30,302
You've each got one minute
to write your song.
213
00:09:30,304 --> 00:09:32,804
Ready...Lyricize!
214
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:33,772
(clock sfx)
215
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:40,579
(mumbling to themselves)
216
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:47,152
Escape route...escape route...
Escape route!
217
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:52,624
Kelly...Kelly...I love the
way your name is spelly-ed.
218
00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:56,661
With a K-E-Y and 'elly'
in the middle.
219
00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:59,164
I love the way your hair
--just bit me!
220
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,983
Ow!
221
00:10:00,984 --> 00:10:02,801
Your beautiful smile-- Ah!
222
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:05,303
(crunchy o.s.)
It hurts man it hurts so much!
223
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,740
? ?
224
00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:11,042
Leave me alone!
225
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:12,677
? ?
226
00:10:12,679 --> 00:10:15,313
This just got real.
227
00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:17,382
(bird squealing sound)
228
00:10:17,384 --> 00:10:18,183
(loud smack)
229
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:23,388
Next up!!
Are you ready Tony?
230
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:27,292
I shouldn't have skipped
that jazzercise class.
231
00:10:37,504 --> 00:10:40,338
Stupid shallow end.
232
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:46,978
Ahhh!
233
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:51,249
The sweet taste of freedom.
234
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:55,053
Taxi!
235
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:58,056
As far away from here
as possible. Hurry!
236
00:10:58,058 --> 00:11:02,260
I can't do that for ya. Buddy!
237
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,496
Buddy?? How did you--
238
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:06,564
Hey, Dan. Riveting escape
attempt back there.
239
00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,901
You can't go one minute without
doing something watchable,
240
00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,470
can you? Ha Ha Ha.
241
00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:13,616
(loud kicking sound)
242
00:11:13,617 --> 00:11:14,761
This is why I can't let you
leave.
243
00:11:14,762 --> 00:11:15,906
(pounding on window)
244
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:22,480
Hey, where's Tony going?
245
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,115
Ah, He's leaving.
246
00:11:24,116 --> 00:11:25,749
Kelly decided that he lost
the singing competition.
247
00:11:25,752 --> 00:11:27,369
I mean Pfft.
248
00:11:27,370 --> 00:11:28,987
Gave a great exit interview
though.
249
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,555
But the voice.
250
00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:32,707
Wait.
251
00:11:32,708 --> 00:11:34,858
So if I lost a competition,
would I also leave the show?
252
00:11:34,861 --> 00:11:36,828
Well duh. Those are the rules.
253
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:37,362
Pft.
254
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:41,199
When I first got here, it
seemed like there was no escape.
255
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,002
Then Buddy, you were
foolish enough to
256
00:11:44,004 --> 00:11:46,805
provide me with a way out.
257
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,908
So, there's still no
hot water...
258
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,142
Shh!
259
00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:52,777
(buddy star v.o.)
coming up next,
260
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:54,411
the world premiere of
America's Next Top Amazing
261
00:11:54,414 --> 00:11:56,681
Bachelor Challenge.
262
00:11:56,683 --> 00:12:00,051
Hey, you're watching
Reality TV.
263
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,671
It's amazing.
264
00:12:02,672 --> 00:12:05,290
I can't believe the kind of riff
raff they put on these shows.
265
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:06,725
Hey that guy looks just like--
266
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:08,126
Yep.
267
00:12:08,127 --> 00:12:09,526
I always knew Dan
would be on TV someday.
268
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,697
I just assumed it would be
for doing something horrendous.
269
00:12:12,699 --> 00:12:14,232
WooHooHoo
270
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,734
(dan o.s.)
This just got real.
271
00:12:15,736 --> 00:12:18,336
Maybe I'll go fix the
water heater.
272
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,405
(dan screams background)
273
00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,975
I guess I could watch for
another minute or two.
274
00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:26,544
When Buddy told us the next
contest was a fashion show,
275
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,880
I knew I could get
myself sent home.
276
00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:31,750
While I am obviously
quite the fashionisto,
277
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:34,686
I figured out what I need to
lose this competition with
278
00:12:34,688 --> 00:12:36,588
a minimum of effort.
279
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:41,626
? ?
280
00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:43,661
Annnd time!
281
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:47,732
Drop your needles and remove
your blindfolds.
282
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,834
It's perfect.
283
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:54,239
Time to hit the runway!
284
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:57,442
And, let's not forget to keep
a special lookout for today's
285
00:12:57,444 --> 00:13:02,113
secret ingredient: turtles.
286
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:04,282
? Runway music starts playing ?
287
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:06,001
Well uh basically,
288
00:13:06,002 --> 00:13:07,719
I just stapled these
turtles around my neck.
289
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:10,655
Oh, a turtle neck. I love it!
290
00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:13,625
A turtle neck? What?
Ohhhh. Nice.
291
00:13:13,627 --> 00:13:16,361
I'd liked to announce that
No turtles were harmed
292
00:13:16,363 --> 00:13:19,164
in the making of this outfit.
293
00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:24,435
You hate it? Don't you?
294
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,237
Not at all!
295
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:28,439
I think I found a winner.
296
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,474
What?!
297
00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:32,243
I didn't even use the secret
ingredient!
298
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,112
Dan's right, Kelly.
He's turtle less.
299
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:35,713
That means he can't win.
300
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:37,148
I see a turtle.
301
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:37,882
Where?
302
00:13:37,884 --> 00:13:39,317
I double checked!
303
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,286
Between the tire,
and the green cape,
304
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,154
not sure about the bikini top,
305
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,657
but he looks like a
giant turtle to me.
306
00:13:45,659 --> 00:13:47,592
That's the most cleverest of
them all!
307
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:48,393
?
? ?
308
00:13:48,395 --> 00:13:50,595
Oh! Dan wins!
309
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:53,565
Crunchy, you have thirty seconds
to vacate the premises.
310
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:54,432
You may leave now.
311
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:59,337
Even though I lost, I'm glad I
got the chance to meet Kelly.
312
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:07,145
It was fun.
313
00:14:07,147 --> 00:14:08,513
I can't escape.
314
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,815
I'm naturally incapable of
losing.
315
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:15,286
There's only one thing left
to do: blow up the house.
316
00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,537
(loud explosion)
317
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:33,872
Oh, wow.
318
00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,107
I love a guy who can cook.
319
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,709
What are you making?
320
00:14:37,711 --> 00:14:40,812
If you must know, a bomb.
321
00:14:40,814 --> 00:14:43,314
Wow! My grandma used
to make those.
322
00:14:43,316 --> 00:14:45,516
Chocolate-cherry
or peach-praline?
323
00:14:45,518 --> 00:14:46,718
Nitroglycerin.
324
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,687
I don't think I've ever
tried that one.
325
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,222
And you never will.
326
00:14:51,224 --> 00:14:55,526
Because I'm about to incinerate
every inch of this house.
327
00:14:55,528 --> 00:15:01,833
Then how will you do your
stupid show, Buddy? Ha.
328
00:15:01,835 --> 00:15:03,568
Oh, I get it.
329
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:06,037
You're just mad because you
found out the grand prize is
330
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:09,407
just a trip to Adult
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
331
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:13,278
What? Adult Astronaut
Sleepaway Camp?
332
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,446
Yeah, pretty lame, huh?
333
00:15:25,859 --> 00:15:27,709
Excellent work, Dan.
334
00:15:27,710 --> 00:15:29,560
You're exactly the sort of Adult
Astronaut Sleepaway Camper
335
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:32,597
we're looking for to head up the
big moon explosion project.
336
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,299
Yessir.
337
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:39,003
That moon doesn't stand a
chance.
338
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:43,841
Wow. Adult Astronaut
Sleepaway Camp.
339
00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:46,077
I know, they could have
at least sprung for a
340
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,478
sports car or something.
341
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:52,383
I finally get why people go on
these stupid reality shows.
342
00:15:52,385 --> 00:15:54,652
I'll put up with all
kinds of embarrassment
343
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:57,956
for the chance to nap
in zero gravity.
344
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:58,890
Hey where are you
going?
345
00:15:58,892 --> 00:16:01,793
I was really excited about
your bomb.
346
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,764
When you think about it,
Adult Astronaut Sleepaway
347
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:10,535
Camp is just as satisfying as
blowing up a reality show.
348
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:13,037
AND it's not a felony.
349
00:16:13,039 --> 00:16:16,541
My new exit strategy is to
walk out of here a winner.
350
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:20,178
And nothing is going to stop
me.
351
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,880
Hey, Dan. Can I talk
to you for a second?
352
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,215
You got it, Buddy.
353
00:16:24,217 --> 00:16:27,218
Listen, I love your new
enthusiasm, believe me,
354
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:30,088
but I need you to lose
the final challenge.
355
00:16:30,090 --> 00:16:32,290
What? Why would I do that?
356
00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,825
I finally want to win.
357
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:35,293
Who cares what you want?
358
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,795
I have millions of viewers
to satisfy.
359
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:39,831
And while they may enjoy
your antics,
360
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:43,167
everyone's rooting for the two
hottest people to get together.
361
00:16:43,169 --> 00:16:46,037
Another reason Kelly
should wind up with me!
362
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:46,871
Sorry, pal.
363
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,507
I chose Kelly's soulmate
weeks ago.
364
00:16:49,509 --> 00:16:52,877
But it's supposed to be
a real-life competition.
365
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:53,578
It is.
366
00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:56,814
And in real life, you lose.
367
00:16:57,417 --> 00:16:58,683
I don't get it.
368
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,019
In person, I can't stand to
look at Dan,
369
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:06,624
but put him on TV and I
can't turn away.
370
00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,643
Now that it's just
down to me and Jack,
371
00:17:08,644 --> 00:17:10,661
I'm suddenly starting to believe
I honestly have a shot to
372
00:17:10,663 --> 00:17:12,063
win this thing.
373
00:17:12,065 --> 00:17:15,566
Of course, I am incredibly
overmatched.
374
00:17:15,568 --> 00:17:17,735
Why is Dan winking so much?
375
00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,537
You think he's trying
to fake cry?
376
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:20,505
Is that--?
377
00:17:20,507 --> 00:17:22,640
Yeah, that's Morse code. Chris.
378
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,208
Jerks won't let me use
phone.
379
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:26,010
Need you to help me win.
380
00:17:26,012 --> 00:17:28,279
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp on
the line.
381
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,715
If Elise tries to stop
you, tell her to--
382
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,650
Really, Dan?
383
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:33,384
What'd he say?
384
00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:34,619
You don't want to
know.
385
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:37,155
Well, I guess I should
go help him.
386
00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:39,323
They're about to start
the final event.
387
00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:41,225
In an unprecedented
turn of events,
388
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:44,195
Kelly has informed the America's
Next Top Amazing Bachelor
389
00:17:44,197 --> 00:17:48,900
Challenge staff that she's
in love with both of you.
390
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:52,370
And luckily, our staff was able
to create the ultimate test to
391
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:54,972
decide who's worthy
of Kelly's heart.
392
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:58,209
Meet the Man Eater.
393
00:17:58,211 --> 00:18:01,179
Two side by side obstacal
courses suspended two stories
394
00:18:01,181 --> 00:18:06,417
in the air each containing ten
that's right ten obstacals.
395
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:09,720
These roses symbolize her love
for you
396
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:12,056
To win, you must be the
first to return her love.
397
00:18:12,058 --> 00:18:15,793
Now, the obstacles test both
mental and physical strength.
398
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:19,163
That's why Jack, your obstacle
course is all physical tests--
399
00:18:19,165 --> 00:18:20,798
Oh, sweet!
400
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:21,766
And Dan...
401
00:18:21,768 --> 00:18:24,068
Nothing's going to
stand between me and
402
00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:25,937
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
403
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,206
That's the spirit, Dan!
404
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:30,641
But, seriously though,
you can't win.
405
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:35,580
3, 2, 1...go!
406
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:46,190
That trashy romance novel
is Kelly's favorite book.
407
00:18:46,192 --> 00:18:48,793
Dan's first station is to
read it and summarize the
408
00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,529
book in nineteen words or
less.
409
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,233
Jack's opened the mayo jar,
410
00:18:55,235 --> 00:19:00,404
And now he's on to the next
station, killing a spider.
411
00:19:03,276 --> 00:19:07,311
How am I supposed
to read this smut?
412
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:10,681
I'm sure it's just another one
of those woman has an affair,
413
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:12,717
husband kills lover,
414
00:19:12,718 --> 00:19:14,752
woman and husband live happily
ever after type deals.
415
00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:17,889
Ding! Ding!
416
00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:19,624
Next station, Dan,
you'll be balancing the
417
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:21,993
budget of Paraguay.
418
00:19:21,995 --> 00:19:24,795
What does Paraguay have
to do with Kelly?
419
00:19:24,797 --> 00:19:26,464
She visited once.
420
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,467
Where are Chris and
Elise already?
421
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:32,270
So, when are we gonna
go help Dan?
422
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:35,240
Honey, this is reality TV.
423
00:19:35,241 --> 00:19:38,209
If we help Dan, we'd be meddling
with reality. Pass the chips.
424
00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,144
I guess you're right.
425
00:19:40,145 --> 00:19:42,078
Besides, even without our help,
I think Dan's got a real shot.
426
00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:45,216
My money's on Jack. He's hot.
427
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:57,595
There will be
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
428
00:19:57,597 --> 00:19:59,297
Dan, go back to
your own course.
429
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:03,701
No! This is reality TV, and in
reality you don't go through
430
00:20:06,139 --> 00:20:07,705
some obstacle course
to get what you want.
431
00:20:07,706 --> 00:20:09,272
You have to just take it.
432
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:10,508
No!!!!
433
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,777
I needed that rose.
434
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:17,248
Here ya go.
435
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:20,785
Ah, the sweet
stench of victory!
436
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:23,154
You won, big deal?
437
00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:25,389
We'll just have to keep
reshooting it until you lose.
438
00:20:25,391 --> 00:20:27,692
Thanks for wasting
everyone's time.
439
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,927
(phone rings)
440
00:20:29,929 --> 00:20:36,567
One sec. Uh huh.
Uh huh. You too.
441
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:39,237
That was the president
of the network.
442
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,771
He just canceled the show.
443
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,873
Apparently the ratings were
terrible.
444
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:44,642
The only thing with less
viewers was some Opera
445
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,245
Documentary on Public
Access.
446
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:50,281
Guess there won't be a
reshoot after all.
447
00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:53,951
I've never had a show
cancelled before!
448
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:55,720
Never!
449
00:20:55,722 --> 00:20:58,823
Wanted to ruin a
reality show, check.
450
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:02,126
Wanted to ruin Buddy
Star's life, check.
451
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,161
Guess the only thing
left to do is go to
452
00:21:04,163 --> 00:21:09,166
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
453
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:11,602
So, how about I take you
on a real date sometime?
454
00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,037
Dude, I'm married.
455
00:21:13,039 --> 00:21:14,338
Oooh!
456
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:21,012
It's just like I imagined.
457
00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:28,319
Hey, what is this?
458
00:21:28,321 --> 00:21:29,587
Everyone, meet Dan.
459
00:21:29,589 --> 00:21:31,889
He's our last contestant
on "They Told Me It Was
460
00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:38,062
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp But
Instead I'm Trapped In A Steal
461
00:21:38,064 --> 00:21:40,598
(Dan screams)
462
00:21:40,648 --> 00:21:45,198
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