All language subtitles for Drunk.Parents.2019.BRRip.XviD.AC3-EVO_HI

subtitles by rubinmusicbox®

[Musician] Here we go.

[drumsticks clack]
One, two...

[Frank] You guys wanna story?

[Bar patrons' drunken cheering]

Yeah, I got a story.
A fuckin' doozy.

[Bar patrons] Is this the one
where you say you own Facebook?

Starts like this.
On the seventh day, God rested.

[drunkenly] I love God.
He's my favourite God.

Yeah, but he's God, so he knew
that if after six days of

crazy you gotta rest on Sunday.

Rest every day.

But what about those poor
bastards going through six days

of crazy, not knowing that the
seventh day is going to be a day

of rest, or just another
day at the shit storm?

[laughing]

Those are the poor
bastards we should toast.

[All] To the shit storm!

Who knows, maybe a couple
of angels come along

and nudge him in the
right direction.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This is the story of
Frank and Nancy Teagarten.

Their seven days started on
the morning they dropped

their daughter off at college.

[Frank] Wow.

Seems just like yesterday
I was pushing you on the swings

in Gardner Park.

[Nancy] Yeah.

And now,
look at our college girl,

on her way to
becoming a veterinarian.

[Frank] Now, baby.
We're just a phone call away,

five hour car ride away,
50 minute plane ride away.

[Nancy] You know we're there
for you, anything you need.

You have our numbers.

[Rachel] Yes, I practically
have them memorized.

[Nancy] Good.

But, don't call after 10:00 pm
cause we'll probably be asleep.

That was a joke.
You know that was a joke, right?

[laughs] I love
your jokes, daddy.

[Nancy] Do you like your bed?

Yeah.

We should have gotten
her a better mattress.

How come we didn't
think of that?

Know what this room
needs, is a Medeco lock.

- Medeco makes a very sturdy lock.
- Yeah.

And what's with this co-ed dorm?
Why are we doing that?

She's in a co-ed dorm,
whose idea was that?

That's wrong.

I love you guys so much.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

[acoustic guitar plays softly]

[large bell tolls]

♪♪

[Kid Cudi's REVOFEV plays]

♪ Let go, life
does get tough ♪

♪ No need to stress, ♪

♪ Hold you back too much, ♪

♪ Let's go
I heard they found a solution ♪

♪ Where will you be
for the revolution? ♪

♪ Woah woah, woah, woah ♪

♪ Woah woah woah woah ♪

♪ Woah woah woah woah ♪

♪ I say to kids ♪

♪ Wake up, things
might get rough ♪

♪ No need to stress,
keeps you down too much ♪

♪ Wake up, I heard they
found a solution ♪

♪ Where will you be
for the revolution? ♪

♪ Where will you be
for the revolution? ♪

It's gonna be okay.

Which part?

All of it. I promise.

[tow truck winch whines]

Can I help you?

[Driver] Sorry, guys.
Gotta hook it up.

[Nancy] Shit!

What, now?

Hey, man. I'm just
doing my job, all right?

We just dropped our daughter
off at college, and we've been

really, really busy.

I'll send a payment
in a few days.

Look, it's not me,
it's Volvo, okay?

They don't fuck around when
it comes to a lease. Okay?

I just need a little more time.

There is a back story, here.

Always is, brother.
Always is.

Would you like to hear it?

[sighs]

All right, shoot.

I started a medical company.

Put everything we had into it,
making a medical innovation

that's been adding
years to people's lives.

[lighter clicks]

We rolled the dice hard,
but we believed in it.

Then there was a problem.

Small, but enough for
some news stories.

They started calling us
"controversial," which is the

toughest word in our business,

and it's been bad
dominoes ever since.

Now, our daughter doesn't
know at all about this.

We've been holding it together
until she went off to college,

and now we're gonna
hold it together

until we get back
on our feet.

What do you make?

What, salary?

Product.

Artificial heart valves designed
for transfemoral placement,

which means...

Dual leg artery. I know.

You know what I used to
do before this repo shit?

Paramedic.

Oh!

Yeah. People used to
be glad to see me show up.

Yesterday, I had to
take three child seats

out of the back of a Lexus,

lay em out on their lawn,
like I was setting up

for some goddamn baby
Lollapalooza concert,

The Wiggles or some shit.

- Remember them?
- No.

Fuckin' Yum Yum Fruit Salad.

I got kids.
It was sad.

Shit. Okay, look.

I'll tell em you weren't here.

But the most I can get
you is days, not weeks.

All right?

So, if I were you, I'd find a
way to put some loot in my suit.

Sell some crack,
or I'll be back!

[laughs]

[forced laugh]

[forced laugh]

[Frank] Thank you.

[Nancy] Thank you.

Finally a break.

[Jazz saxophone plays]

[Frank] What about the,
uh, lamp in the den?

It's broken.

So, we sell it as-is,
or we fix it?

We don't fix things,
Frank, we only ruin them.

[Bert] Hi guys.
Having a yard sale?

Uh, no, Bert. Our living
room puked all over our yard.

What?

Bye.

[dog whines]

[Nancy] Oh, look, Frank.

A two thousand dollar Breville
Oracle espresso machine.

And we just had to have it.

But we never even took
it out of the damn box.

Just be happy that the
thing is still in the box,

it's worth two thousand dollars,
one eighth of that is a,

it's a car payment.

Why did we get all this stuff?

Stuff, stuff, stuff everywhere,
and I can't even afford to get

my roots done or
get a bikini wax.

[Jason] Hey, guys.
You're having a yard sale?

[Nancy] Hi, Jason.

No, Jason, our house
got hit by a tidal wave.

Just ours.
It's a freak of nature.

Heh, well I'm glad it was yours.

Cause, salt water, it's like
kryptonite for the wheelchair.

Jason, are you making
a handicap joke?

I'm sorry, I thought...

Cause...

I'm the one in the...
Uh, Rachel called me.

It sounds like she
made it off fine.

So, the two of you were trying
to make the long distance

thing work? The odds
are against it, Jason,

and she's ambitious
and you live at home.

[Nancy] Frank...

[Frank] Yes?

Don't pay any attention
to him, Jason.

[whispers] He's been drinking.

Well, I'd better be
off to work, so...

[Frank] Hey Jason, do you wear
your Staples uniform under your

clothes like Superman, or do
you go home and change at your

mom's, where you
live, with your mom?

[lectures in Spanish]

[argues in Spanish]

Can't understand
the whispered Spanish.

Mr. Teagarten, I'd really
like to get along with you,

even if Rachel and I
are eventually just friends,

nothing more, 'cause I think
you guys are amazing people.

Thank you, Jason.

Have a nice day.

[Frank] Enjoy the ride.

[slap] Ow.

Ah, cause of the wheelchair.
That's...

have a nice one.

[cheesy ringtone]

Nigel, how's it going
over there in London, huh?

Are they still
driving backwards?

[Nigel]
What are you talking about?

[laughs] You know what I mean.

You know, sideways,
the cars, the street?

Have you been drinking?

Oh, that's hilarious.

Seriously.

[laughs]

Listen to me, I am gonna
be travelling for a while,

all right? I'm gonna be gone to
Nepal, I'll be gone for about

four months,
I'll be off the grid.

Oh, that's weird.
Hey, listen, Nigel,

while I have you on
the phone, I think I need

to ask you for more
money to watch the house.

Cause I'm over there
like three days a week.

What are you talking about?

It's not that hard
to watch my house.

I live right next door to you.

I can get the kid down the
street to do it for free,

just so he can go in
and watch cable. Jesus.

What did he say
about more money?

I don't think he's into it.

I'm going to Nigel's
for a minute.

[groovy spy music]

No.

[cheesy ringtone]

Hello, this is Frank.

Oh, hi. Uh...

Yes, I am going to pay you soon.

No, I don't know when,
but your credit card is very

important to me, so I...

Yes, I know that, but...

Well, I do want to work with
you, so how about this?

I'll send you the credit card,
and you just shove it up

your fucking ass.
Does that work?

[clicks off]

[groovy spy music]

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

[Nancy] Absolutely not.

It's a Chateau Latour.

It's worth 800 dollars.

Have you lost your mind?

Wait a minute.

Since when did
you start smoking?

Just now.

Ha. Great timing.

Just when we can't afford it.

Nigel has hundreds
of bottles of wine.

He doesn't need more wine.

He needs a punch in the
face, but not more wine.

Would you please
have some decency?

You're supposed to be
looking after his property,

not parting it out
like an old Chevy.

What?

What's next?

You gonna put an ad on
Craigslist and rent it out?

Rent out his house?

Rent out Nigel's house?

On Craigslist?

[bird cawing]

That's insane.

Stop changing the subject.

Put that bottle of wine back.

Right now.

Shame on you, Frank.

[Donovan's
"Hurdy Gurdy Man" plays]

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy,
hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ Here comes the Roly Poly Man ♪

♪ He's singing songs of love ♪

♪ "Roly poly, roly poly,
roly poly poly" he sang ♪

[drunkenly]
I love this album.

Are they still called albums?

Albummmmmms....

See dee dee
dee dee dee...

See dee dee dee dee...

[laughs]

You know the Filipinos?

Bob and Teresa?

From the Philippines.

They used to strap coca tree
bark to their bodies before

they went to battle.

The cocaine would leech
into their bloodstream,

and get them amped up to help
them overcome the fear of war.

Frank, we're at war.

I don't think we can get our
hands on that kind of bark.

We ran out of vodka.

I wonder what Rachel will
listen to in college.

What music will transport
her back to her youth,

back to a time when her whole
life was in front of her.

[inhales deeply]
I don't know.

I only know I'm sad
about that vodka.

[cork pops loudly]

Fuck it.

La Tour baby!

Whatever happens probably will.

Let's finish it inside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Starts getting
better tomorrow...

[sings] When I'm stuck with a
day that's grey, and lonely,

I just stick out my
chin and grin...

[heavy thud] Oh.

And saaaaay...

The sun will come out tomorrow

[sings in Spanish]

You're only a daaaay
aaaawaaaaaay!

[Frank] Haha, you
fell on your ass, baby.

♪♪

[record player crackles]

[Carl] Excuse me.

Hi. [laughs]

What can you tell
me about this house?

I'm sorry?

There was a rental ad for
this house on Craigslist,

but no one's
answering the doorbell.

An ad on Craigslist?

Yeah.

For Nigel's house?

No, somebody named Frank?

The ad's gone, it was
flagged for profanity.

Okay, wait.
Back the fuck up.

Let's start over.
What?

Well, there was an ad, "For
rent, big beautiful fucking

house furnished up the ass."
Obviously, I was intrigued.

Are you okay?

Not even in the ballpark.

[cart clatters]

Four dollars?

Four dollars for a zucchini.

And these people won't even
grease the wheels of their

shopping cart.

[loud clattering]

Fuckers.

[Heidi] Nancy?

Are you okay?

Oh, you.

Heidi, hi.

I'm fine, it's just that I saw a
spider, and I tried to get it.

My foot got stuck.

Um, are those box
wines in your cart?

[laughs hysterically]

No, I'm juicing.

How are Chip and the kids?

Oh, Chip pulled some strings
and got Carter into Yale.

He won't light up the world but
he won't blow it up, either.

Ah.

Oh, totally off-subject, did
you hear about Lisa Chang?

No, Lisa?

She and Andrew split up,
younger woman, yadda yadda,

you know the drill.

But, Lisa is working
at Macy's now.

[gasps]

At the perfume counter.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

She's waving those little
smelly cards in people's faces.

She gained ten pounds.

And she's about to gain more.

Because you have to
be rich to be skinny.

All the cheap foods are
the ones that pork you up.

The sugars, the carbs,
the corn syrup.

I do not understand why the more
preservatives and chemicals

they put in the food,
the cheaper it is.

And the food that just comes out
of the earth, it's so expensive.

Bastards!

It's those hippies,
They see they're so going

"hey Dude, look
at this zucchini, man.

It's so beautiful, a
gift from mother earth.

How much should
we charge for it?"

"Uh, I dunno, $4,20?
Heheheh."

[laughs weakly]

[laughs]

Okay, bye. Bye.
Nice to see you.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

[phone rings]

Oh my god, oh my god.

Frank.

I think I'm having an
anxiety attack, and...

Wait, what?

[funky dance music]

[car engine roars]

[door opens]

Is this a joke?

But when?

The cheque?

No, the ad.

It must have been last night
when we were drinking.

I thought you did it.
It was all your idea.

My idea?

Frank, I said it to make a
point about how we don't do

anything stupid like that.

Don't you remember?

I don't remember us polishing
off that Chateau Latour,

but we did that too, right?

I remember that.

I remember pulling the cork, it
made that pop sound like the

crunch sound Eve probably
made when she bit the apple.

Baby.

It's six months in advance,
his name is Carl, and for

what it's worth, I think
he was sent from God.

Frank, do you understand
what this means?

It means an entire year
of Rachel's tuition.

Thank you Jesus!

Does this mean we're
gonna celebrate?

Heck yes.

But...

I gotta do something first.

I'll be right back.

[seductive music]

[doorbell rings]

[Carl] Hi, Frank.

Hey. Is that
Dave Brubeck on the stereo?

No.

Too bad, I love Brubeck.

Especially back when Stan
Getz was on tenor sax.

Getz did the soundtrack for
Micky One, which is my favourite

Warren Beatty film.
I wanna say '65, '66.

Warren Beatty was
a handsome boy.

Got all the lady women.
Right?

But you know, Micky
One's not for everyone.

You have to be patient.

Unlike Star Wars, that
really trucks along.

Right?
Same with Dances with Wolves.

Kevin Costner, he
was definitely...

[clears throat pointedly]

Carl, that was bizarre, and
I didn't follow any of it.

Is everything okay?

Oh, it's...

I love the house.

Ha, I'm being rude.
This is my good buddy Joe.

[clears throat]

Well, less of a buddy
and more of a parole officer.

I beg your pardon?

Frank, uh, as a new neighbour,
I'm "legally required"

to tell you that I'm a
registered sex offender.

Come again?

Wow, really? [laughs]

Really what?

I was, I was kidding.
You said "come again"

and I'm a sex offender.
It was a joke.

[Joe] Carl's a class 3 offender.

He has to notify any resident
within a designated area.

So we'll be going
house to house.

It's kind of like trick or
treating, except we don't get

candy, we tell people
I'm a pedophile.

I'm sorry, I'm having
trouble with my ears.

There's a really loud sound to
them, like a, like a roaring

crashing ocean, so...

What the fuck did you just say?

Baby, tell little Frank that
I'm here, that I'm ready...

Baby, get away from the door.

[screams in Spanish]

Wow. Frank.

You really did well.

[Frank]
I did not see that coming.

[Nancy] Good.
I'm glad you didn't plan this.

Gotta burn down the
house to cook the pig.

What?

I'm saying "I did
not see that coming."

Oh, look. They're
going to the Templemans.

Nice people, the Templemans.

Their lawn is always so green.

I've always wondered
what they use.

Maybe you can call Carl.
You know, the fucking

fucking sex offender,
and ask him to ask them.

[heavy sigh] Probably
magnesium sulphate.

You realize we're
going to jail, right?

No. Nigel will
never press charges,

I've pulled his fat out
of the fire too many times.

Like last month, his smoke
detector was beeping,

I changed the 9-volt,
didn't even charge him.

Snap out of it, motherfucker.
We're going to jail.

♪♪

Don't forget your prescriptions
and anything else you might

need for the next few weeks.

Frank, help me.

Hold this bag.
Hold this bag.

Do you really need all these
panties and such, hun?

No. I'm gonna hide
them in the attic.

I don't want him going
all over my lingerie.

The word is "cumming,"
Honey. Cumming.

I don't give a damn.

I do not want his DNA
on my private things.

Baby, we really don't
know what he did.

Then you should hide
your panties, too.

Hi.

Look, I know I should have
said something, but it's not

like I told you I wasn't
a registered offender.

Oh my god, he just said that.

I saw his lips move
and everything.

Carl. Part of me would like to
punch you in the face right now,

but another part of me would
like to kick you in the balls.

Which do you prefer?

Uh, thanks.
I normally don't get a choice.

But I, I don't know
anything about your house.

How do I know your house
is as nice as this house?

Our house is gorgeous.

Carl, you don't have a choice.

Our house could be a shack
cantilevered over hell's septic

tank, and it wouldn't matter.

You either move into our house,
or you're back on the street

because you cannot stay here.

I guess I could
just get my 25 grand back

and find another place.

You know what?

Fine with me.

Because I'm not even sure
that I want you in my house,

sleeping in our bed,
inside our sheets,

where I sleep
naked all the time.

Ugh.

And what if he finds
our home videos?

Didn't I tell you
not to film that?

Maybe I can make this work.

Let me run something by you.

The Swedish Duxiana mattress.

I haven't been able to
sleep one night in it.

I'm not really interested in
mattresses normally, but this is

my one time for this mattress,
and I'm not even a mattress guy.

- You want the mattress, Carl?
- Yeah.

Are you out of
your fucking mind?

You're not getting the mattress.

Have you ever had
your head examined?

What's in there, pop tarts?

"I'm not even a mattress guy."
Jesus H Christ, Carl, you are

not getting the
fucking mattress.

♪♪

[Carl] Why are we going
through the backyard?

Why is the sky blue?

Cause sunlight is refracted by
dust particles in the air and

blue is the dominant
colour of the spectrum?

Did you learn that in the 5th
grade, or from a 5th grader?

[Carl] Ouch.

[Nancy] Baby, only you would
think of turning Nigel's pool

into our own private drive-in.

[Frank]
Maybe I'm losing my mind.

[simultaneously] Awww.

[Nancy] Look at her.

That was Rachel's
5th grade play.

She was so good.
Rachel was the best thing in it.

I'm being objective.
I mean, compared to Rachel,

the rest of these
kids were all laughable.

Their screechy voices
so hard on the ears.

[Nancy] Ah, and there it is.

Janice's grand
unforgettable party.

Your sister only threw that
party to prove how rich she is.

You know, I was in a
98 cents store today.

[sighs]
I bet you anything

that Janice would never
set foot in one of those.

That's only because
she married Dan, not because

she's any smarter than you.

Do you remember when
we went together?

You were craving Baby Ruths.

I just had to have
that Baby Ruth.

On a hunch we bought that
pregnancy test and eight months

later, along came
our little Rachel.

To Baby Ruths.

To Baby Ruths.

[cheesy ringtone]

[fake English accent]
Hello?

Mr. Teagarten's not at home.

I'm sorry?

He owes you money?

Well, I'm his butler, not his
accountant, you fucking arse.

[Mastercard agent yelling]

[clicks off]

[clears throat]

That was Mastercard.

Frank, why don't we
sell our funeral plots?

We can get what, 2,000
dollars at least, right?

Shit, baby, I'm sorry.

School wanted a dorm deposit.

Well, how lovely.

I actually have to pee
really badly right now,

and I would normally do it
right here in the pool,

but I don't want to make our
problems any worse.

[doorbell rings]

Is that you, Carl?

[Masked man] What's up, pervert?

[Karl, muffled] What the
hell is going on here?

[heavy punches]
Nancy, Nancy, call 911!

Who you talking to?

Nobody.

There's nobody else here.

[heavy punch]

Oh my god.

[Nancy] Run, run, ISIS has come!

I am neutral!

Put me down! Put me down!

[engine revs]

[tense music]

[gun cocks]

You know what this bitch was
doing when I grabbed her?

Staring at a little
girl in a leotard.

[muffled] That was my daughter.

The law won't protect our
community from deviants

like you.

We will.

So if we see you anywhere
near 112 Blue Jay...

[shotgun fire]
[muffled screaming]

[crows cawing]

[Nancy] We just escaped death.

They thought you were Carl,
because Carl gave out

Nigel's address.

[Frank yells] They thought
I was Carl because he gave

out Nigel's address.

That's what I just said,
why are you screaming?

[yells] The gunshots.

My ears are, you know.

You know how you know when
your life is out of control?

When there's a ringing in your
ears and you don't know if it's

a creditor calling or a
kidnapper has fired a shotgun

six inches from your head.
[loud truck horn]

Is that
Spanx over tights?

Yes, I'm double Spanking.

Do you have to scream
it to the world?

Cause right about now, I'd like
to have a pair of really tight

Spanx around my fucking neck.

[Nancy] No, Janice
would never understand.

But she's your sister.

She will ask too many questions.

Our car broke down.

Right.

And I'm barefoot because
we have the Flintstone's car,

and I peddled it like Wilma.

What's your guess
on his net worth?

I'd say at least
a hundred million.

It's as high as two
hundred million.

No, that's too high.

At least a hundred million.

He's definitely well fed.

Please, let's go.

She'll never buy our bullshit.

And you can't tell her, or
anybody else for that matter.

That's how this falling
from grace thing works.

People find out, they look
away, they avert their eyes.

Especially our friends.

Are they really
our friends, then?

Nancy, I'm too tired to have a
deep conversation right now.

But no.

No, Frank. Why are
you forcing me to do this?

I cannot take this
shit right now.

I'm going to get
an anxiety attack.

Not Betty.

Okay, I understand you didn't
want to stay at Janice's,

but now you don't want to stay
at this sister's house?

but we have nowhere to go.

Carl's in our house, we can't go
back to Nigel's because those

psychos said they'd kill us,
we don't have any credit cards,

you're barefoot,
and I feel like hell.

Of course you do.

Cause we're almost there.
That is hell.

It's like we're in Kansas,
and we're about to get sucked

into a tornado and
drop into an inferno

where Oompa-Loompa's on
speed are the gatekeepers.

[Frank] Baby, I'm going to need
some time to sort through all

those analogies.
Besides, it's not that bad.

Just smile a lot.

See? Smile.

Like this.

Let's see how long that lasts.

[doorbell rings]

Hi Tristan.

Hi Tristan.

[Tristan] Why is she barefoot?

Uh, Tai Chi.
It's very relaxing.

Uh, can we come in?

I guess you could come in.

Dad, Uncle Frank and
Aunt Nancy are here.

[Frank] That's a really
cool walkie-talkie.

Yeah, well not to me.
My fucking dad won't spring

for the Ace 10s,
which are way more badass.

Hmm.

Navy Seals use Ace 10s, they
also use cool martial arts like

Krav Maga and cool
shit like that.

Tai Chi's for homos, but
you probably knew that.

Smile, Frank.

Oh, hi Trey.

[Trey] I wish.

My walkie talkie is
dead as a used dick.

You have any 9-volt batteries?

- Me?
- Can I search you?

- What?
- Nothing.

Dad, for god sakes, what
is this, a Becket play?

When did this turn
into Waiting for Godot?

That is quite a reference
for a young lad.

Yeah.
I'm Vladimir and he's Estrago.

- It's Estragon.
- Bullshit.

Dad, chop-chop,
the small talk is getting a

little thin out here.

[Bob] All right, I'm coming,
I'm coming, don't get

your panties in a wad.

All hail Lord Douchington.

Hi, Bob.

Hey, you made it.
How's the trip?

Found everything okay?

[Trey] Douche.

Hey, that's TV for a week, pal.

Señor Douche.

Yup.

[furiously] God.

Delightful.

Hey, so Nance, how
come you're barefoot?

You ain't going
hippie on me, are ya?

[laughs weakly] Yeah.

I'm like Wilma Flintstone.

Fred was the one who drove.

Wilma just rode shotgun.

She drove sometimes.

So, uh, they're termite
tending your house? What?

Well yeah, we tried to sleep
in the den, but there were all

these fumes, and then it was
like we were back in the 60s.

[laughs]

Well, I wouldn't know.
I'm way younger than you are.

Hey, but I do know
the tending game.

We got spiders.

When those spider eggs pop,
those little spiders come out,

they start biting
everything like crazy.

Smile, Frank.

Heh.

Oh, yeah.
Do I sound defensive?

[Frank] No.

Is Betty coming down?

[Bob] I was telling
Frank on the phone,

she's laid up with diarrhea.

Accidentally made a
sandwich out of cat food.

Well, don't worry about us.
We had dinner already.

I think I'm gonna go
see how she's doing.

Hey, hey, hey.

You don't wanna go
up there right now.

She's on the throne, blowing
brown, if you catch my drift.

I caught it, yup.

Hey, but like I said,
you two are welcome to

bunk in the twins' room.

[Tristan on radio]
Our room? Why not your room?

Because you two can sleep
on the couch tonight. Over.

Ever hear of a Motel 6? Over.

Hilarious.

[Bob] I'm just gonna
show you to the room,

hopefully we won't get lost.

[whispers] Let's do
this every month.

Sorry, fellas.

Sorry enough to go away?

Wow.

The bed is small.

If you're gonna do any stuff on
it, just wash the sheets after.

Will do.

It's gross.

Are we talking about
the same thing?

I'm serious.

I'm sure you are.

Do we have a problem?

I don't think so.
Are we done now?

Yeah. I think we're done.

Did you know that you can
hack into baby monitors?

We're teaching our neighbour's
baby how to say the N-word.

[gasps]

Nancy, would you join
me outside for a second?

Yeah.

You understand now what
I was talking about?

Except the Oompa-Loompa's
are not on speed,

they are on angel dust.

How did we get so
lucky with Rachel?

We communicated with her
directly, not through some

CB radio. Let's start
there and reverse engineer it.

I was thinking, we rented
Nigel's house to Carl but we had

to move him over to our house,
which means that Nigel's house

is still empty.

I say we rent Nigel's
house again...

Frank!

Only this time to somebody
who isn't a sex offender.

Or, why don't we just handcuff
ourselves and walk straight into

the police station, Frank?

This place is filled
with spider webs.

Well, as you can see,
they don't clean.

The original Craigslist
ad is still on my phone.

I say we post it again.

Are you not listening
to me, Frank?

Absolutely no fucking way.

This is where we draw the line.

Baby, I don't know what's on
the other side of that line,

but I do know what's on
this side of that line,

and it is bleak.

Okay, here's the
original Craigslist ad.

- Don't you dare.
- We delete some of

the bad words, I think
you were drunk at the time.

I was drunk at the time?

And it is done.

You just posted it again?
Aaaah, Frank!

You just smoked a spider!

[gags]

Give me the Heimlich!

[gagging]

[baby cries]

[Man] What the hell's going on?
You woke up my baby.

[Bob] Frank, I get it,
you smoked a spider.

But can you keep it down?

[gags] Hit me in the back.

[yelps] Not with the shovel!

[Man] Natalie, tell your kids
to stay off my baby monitor.

[Bob] It's your fault for
having a baby monitor.

It's an attractive nuisance.

[Nancy] There it is.

[breathes heavily]
Frank, are you okay?

Do you want another cigarette?

- [groans]
- Are you all right baby?

[groans]

♪♪

[fake cries]

Dad, come quick.

Why is Uncle Frank
doing this to me?

Oh my god.

Yes?

Frank!

My god.

[Betty] What is going on?

Nancy, are you naked?

No, I'm not naked.
It's a shirt.

[Betty] Tristan, what are those?

It's Aunt Nancy's Spanx,
Uncle Frank made me wear them.

Now stop this.

Frank, how could
you, he's just a boy.

[cries]
I'm so scared right now.

Oh shit.

Jesus Christ.

Betty...

[Tristan] She just stuck
her tongue out at me. [cries]

Frank, downstairs, now.

Who are you?

♪♪

[Nancy] You know what, Frank?

It's not pleasant to be
mistaken for a sex offender,

and molesting your nephew
in less than 24 hours.

But right now, I feel
sorry for my sister.

I am actually really
worried for her.

As you should be.

Pretty soon, some court
appointed therapist

is going to be white
knuckling with those two kids.

I see that your sister
calmed down enough to lend

you her wig, huh?

Uh, yeah, I don't know whose
wig is it, in that house.

Well, it helps us hide
from the kidnappers.

Hey, are you Wayne, the
guy that answered the ad?

- [Wayne] Yeah, yeah.
- I'm Frank.

What are you two, in the
witness protection program?

No, we were just sunning
ourselves in the backyard.

- Is that your truck, Wayne?
- Yeah.

Oh that's fantastic.
Step inside and we'll

just take a look at the house.
Okay?

The ad said the house
comes furnished?

Uh, yep. It only needs
a mattress. Long story.

The previous tenant took it.

Short story.

Okay then.
I wrote you a cheque.

You uh, that's it?

You don't want to
have a look around?

It's not to be an asshole.

You want to rent
the place or not?

I mean, I got shit
tons of stuff to do.

Yes, uh, no, uh, sure.

It's just that normally
there's a process.

We learned the hard
way to ask questions.

[crackling noise]
Did you hear that?

What's that?

Good lord.

Oh, there's
something on my face.

No, don't touch your face!
Don't panic.

You're covered in spiders.

Jesus, baby don't move.

[screams]
[coughs dramatically]

Agh, they're
crawling on my body.

[screaming hysterically]
Get them, get them!

They're biting me,
they're biting me!

[screams] They're
biting me, get them out!

[screams]

Get them out!

[groans]

[screams in Spanish]

[continues screaming
hysterically]

Oh Frank,
what have I done?

Tell my Rachel I love her.

[Frank] You're not going to die,
you're not going to die.

You hear me? Woah! Woah!

Stop scratching yourself, don't
antagonize it, for god sake's.

Nancy! You're gonna be fine,

the doctors will
give you an ointment.

Hold on, hold on.

God I hate spiders, don't you?

Wait, there's another one.
[honks] Woah!

[Flamenco guitar]

♪ Kickin' up a storm,
black clouds of grey ♪

♪ Interstate 40's
backing up fast ♪

♪ Look to the east,
no relief in sight ♪

♪ Pull yourself together
cause I gather we might ♪

♪ The river's gone wild,
the river's gone wild ♪

[bustling city ambience]

Oh. [laughs]

Tyler, how are you?

[Tyler laughs]
Uh, Frank, how are you?

I'm on the right side of the
grass my man, what's the happs?

No offence Frank, but
how did you get in here?

This is a restricted
access garage.

Well, I still have
my Jensen parking pass,

and I have an interview
today up on 16 with Gretina.

Gretina's not on
16 anymore, Frank.

What floor are they on?

They moved to Seattle.

[laughs] Well, don't remind me,
cause I'm dying for a Starbucks,

but the meeting is on Skype.

I'm gonna Skype to uh, Seattle.

Don't, don't.

Don't Tyler, don't
give me that look.

I know that look. Please.

Everything's fine.

Everything with us is okay.

Honey, you remember Tyler
Rector from Jensen Med?

Baby, can you hear me?

[frantic mumbling]

How can I help?

[Frank] So that's the long and
short but the silver lining is

that, at least for now,

we don't have to worry
about Rachel's college.

But, we're homeless.

Wow, that's quite a story.

So all this started
with one mistake?

[Nancy] With a bunch of
smaller ones shooting off it.

Kind of like when a spider egg
pops, and all these little

spiders come and
bite you in the ass.

Are you gonna eat that?

No, please.

Thank you.

Listen, guys.

I know someone.

His name's Randall.
Let me give him a call.

Frank, he might have
something for you.

It'd be a start.

[Frank] Tyler,
that would be great.

And we also still
have Wayne's cheque.

We can always cash that.

Frank, if you cash that cheque,
then it's no longer one mistake.

It becomes a pattern.

Exactly. That's what
I've been trying to tell him.

But Tyler, desperation
is a bitch.

Thank you so much for everything
that you've done to help us.

So, you guys have your
work cut out for you.

Just remember, grass can
grow through concrete.

Did he say your ass can
grow through concrete?

No, no, the phrase is "grass
can grow through concrete."

Could I give you that, please?
Do you mind if I...?

Thank you.

♪♪

[Nancy] Nancy, you're
gonna be all right.

[screams, squealing tires]

Don't panic, Nancy.

You're gonna take a hot bath.

You're gonna get fresh clothes,

you're gonna do your
hair and makeup.

In three minutes
you'll be yourself.

[tires squeal]
What the fuck?

[Frank] Thank you for taking
this lunch, I know you're busy.

[Randall] No, of course.

Tyler called me, told me a
little about your background.

Well, I hope he exaggerated
in all the right places.

[laughs]
[cheesy ringtone]

That's my wife, I'm sorry.

Hi honey.

Dammit Frank. We're cursed.

I am at Nigel's house,
and everything is gone.

They took my purse, my
phone, Nigel's furniture.

That guy Wayne was all
wrong, and we knew it.

Now fuck it, they
stole everything!

I see, uh.

That's uh, yes.

That's great.

Thanks for calling, and
we'll celebrate later, okay?

I'll see you. Bye.

No, no, don't hang up.

You okay?

Uh, yeah, it's all good.

My wife just got an article
published in Omni magazine.

Great.

Omni must be feeling good too.

Be back up and running.

I'm sorry?

They folded about
two decades ago.

Wow.
[laughs]

Man plans and God
laughs, right? I mean-

Everybody's got a
plan until you get...

punched in the face.

Jesus.

Sorry, Frank.

I'm sorry.

No, no.

I'm Frank, you're...

- Randall.
- Randall. Right.

I'm sorry.
Can we start over again?

Sure.

Hi, I'm Frank.

♪♪

For God sake!

Carl!
I just need to get a few things.

[sighs]

[dog door clatters]

[struggling grunts]

You come in my house, you
come in my house, you like that?

You like that?

[screaming]

I'm sorry, my gosh,
did you change your hair?

[clubby electronic music]

I'm so sorry about
the pepper spray,

I thought you were an intruder.

Not that you look
like an intruder.

I'm against profiling,
not that I necessarily would

want sushi from a redhead,
I prefer an Asian chap,

if you know what I mean.

Why didn't my key work?

I had the locks changed.

You what?

You can't change our locks.

Carl?

Oh, um...

This is not your house, Carl.

I, look...

What are you wearing?

What, this?

You know what, I uh,
I got you guys a key.

Um.

Uh, there you go.

What the?

The wood's so you
don't misplace it.

Carl.

This is not a gas station.

What is wrong with you?

Whatever.

I just need to get some
stuff from my closet.

Your closet?

Wha- what is this?

I mean, what is this?

Where's my stuff?

What have you done
with my closet?

I made it into a panic room.

You can't do that, Carl.

Remember, this is
not your house.

Did you ever see the
Jody Foster movie?

And please put a shirt on.

I, I've been really
nervous lately.

People have been ringing the
doorbell all day asking about

the yard sale and then I was
really scared when I saw the

video on the internet of
you and Frank being kidnapped

with a shotgun.

There's a video on the internet?

Nancy, you're the
best part of it.

You came across really real.

I was real, you dumb fuck.

[door beeps]
Uh, we're locked in.

Did you say
"catalytic converters?"

Frank, I know it's not a
sexy business, but catalytic

converters are like
mini treasure chests.

We snip them off the cars,
smelt em down and sell off the

expensive metals.

Palladium, rhodium, platinum.

Most cases, cat cons
are worth more than the

junk cars themselves.

[laughs]

You mean I would crawl
underneath the car,

and snip them?
That's the job?

Listen, Frank.
I'm gonna be honest.

I could use the extra hand but
I don't need the extra hand.

Tyler told me you needed a
leg up, this is what I got.

I'm really glad you're here.

Me gusta.

[shrieks]

Ugh, aw jeez. That was...

Ugh.

That was--

If you ever try anything like
that again, I am gonna kick your

ass up and down this panic
room like an air hockey puck.

Oh, okay.

[grimaces]

[laughs]

Thank you virgin, for making
Carl such a breathtaking moron.

You forgot about the
attic hatch, Einstein.

Hey, I'm sorry about
the misunderstanding.

I guess I misread your signals.

What signals?

God, your legs are so strong.

I guess it's from
running track, huh?

I saw your medals.

How did you find my medals?

They were hidden in the garage.

Yeah, way back there.

And you should really
hide them better.

You were the fastest on
the team, but what I don't

understand is, in the relay,
why did you run fourth?

Shouldn't the fastest
runner go first?

Maybe you weren't the fastest.

I was the fastest.

That's not the way it works.

When you're the fastest, you...

Oh, what am I doing,
why am I talking to you?

Please help me out.

The bottom line
is, I'm interested.

And I, I work hard, and I take
any job I do very seriously.

Okay.

Here comes the cold water.

We can only offer you about a
third of what you were making.

Tyler told me your
ballpark salary.

You did very, very well.

A third?

Listen, I wish it was different.

I used to make high-end five
figures over at Brent Talbot,

then the fan hit the shit.

Now, I got a sales staff of guys
longing for the days

of Hugo Boss suits and
paychecks with commas in 'em.

Frank, you think I like
crawling around in the dirt

snipping smoke sacks?

Shit, some days I look at one of
those cat cons and think

"I'll just wrap my lips
around it, take a deep breath,

go meet some dead relatives."

How old are you? 65?

66?

Anyways.

Guys your age
gotta adapt or die.

That's the new America.
Trust me.

I miss the old one, brother.

Uh, will you excuse me?

I'm fairly positive I
need to use the bathroom.

Get your hands off my ass.

You said push.

I said push, not fondle.

Watch the thumb.

Do you do squats?

It feels like you do squats.

[groans]
You made it.

Now, lift me up.

I get claustrophobic.

No, no.

First you have to
tell me what you did.

And no lies, no bullshit.

You have to tell me, or
I'll leave you there.

You'll rot.
And I'll just come

and sprinkle some lime
just to mask the smell.

I...

you might not understand.

True.

It's a roll of the dice.

[sighs]

I was swimming in the ocean,

I was in the water
for a couple hours.

I...

I had to pee,
I took off my shorts,

then I felt something
brush against my leg.

I knew it was a shark.

I knew in that moment, and I
know to this day it was a shark,

and...

I started swimming to
shore, trying not to panic.

I saw that there were
some kids swimming there.

So I was carrying three of
them, trudging and tripping

and yelling for help.

The kids were screaming, I
thought they had seen the shark.

They hadn't, they, um,

they were frightened
of me, a naked guy.

My life...
[laughs]

got pretty hard after that.

It's true, isn't it?

Yeah.

It is.

You say all these
crazy stupid things.

But when you suddenly say
something without bullshit,

Now I know it's true and good.

But just in case, I'm gonna
leave you there until after

I take my shower.

Oh, you know what,
there's some...

shampoo in my purse on
the kitchen counter.

Oh, I refilled your
birth control pills.

You were running low.

[disgusted] Ha!

[truck horn]

No, no, no, no... No!

No! No!

♪♪

[muffled screams]

[Man] All you perverts
out there watching,

this might happen to you.

[gunshots]

You might die!

What the?

[Daniel] Holy shit, it's him.
The guy from the video!

No, this is a mistake.

[gunshot] Die!

Dude, you're like the No. 1

trending pervert on
the internet right now.

My god, why is this happening?

♪♪

[tires screech]
[honking]

[screams]

Stop the truck, Wayne.

Shit, you again?

You have my furniture.

Oh, it's not yours, that house
wasn't yours, and the furniture

definitely wasn't yours.

Pull over, Wayne, I
need that furniture.

You know what you're gonna need?
You're going to need to

go to a fucking hospital,
that's what you're gonna need.

I'm gonna put you
in jail, Wayne.

Oh, you don't have the
balls to call the cops.

You suck at this crime stuff.

You know what I'm gonna do?

You ain't gonna do shit.

Wayne, I'm gonna
throw a rock at you.

I pitched in college.

You probably caught in college.
Dickhead.

Oh shit...

[yelps] Son of a bitch.

[honking]

[groans]

[man] Holy shit,
are you okay?

You hit a fucking pedestrian.

[bike bell chimes]

[50's saxophone music]

Sorry, Wayne.

Hey! Hey!

Get back here, you asshole!

What fresh hell is this?

Dios mio!

No, no, no, I didn't...

Ohm...

Ommmm.

[Frank] Shit, shit.
Now what?

- Frank!
- Shit!

Panic room! Car gone!

Keep walking, the cops.

Found Nigel's stuff,
don't look over.

It's in the back of the truck.
Don't look over.

[Cop] Excuse me.

Hi. Are you
Mr. Bathgate's neighbours?

[Frank] Yes, officer.

Yeah, we got a report of
a burglary at his house,

suspicious activity.
Have you seen anything?

A burglary?
What, at Nigel's house?

Good sweet Christ,

what is happening to our
sweet little neighbourhood?

Uh, are you okay sir?

No.

I'm devastated beyond reason.

Sweet Christ.

You know, I wasn't into that.

[Nancy] Never?

Not really.

Not even in a school
play or anything?

Yeah, I was never into drama.

I mean, sure, in the third
grade I played a teacup.

Why all the questions
about acting?

You think I came across as fake?

I think there's better acting
every time Larry King says

- "til death do us part."
- That's very funny.

You wanna hear something
else that's funny?

There's a video of us getting
kidnapped on YouTube.

I know.

You don't know how many times
I've fantasized about getting

rid of you for at least two
months, but now that I'm going

to yail, I'm going to be
devastated without you.

You're going back to college?

You know that when I say
"yail" I mean prison.

♪♪

Using his mother's house, and by
that I mean his mother's garage.

I'm sure Jason's home, rubbing
his mother's feet or something.

We know you're in there, Jason.

[Nancy] Hi.

Oh, hey, hi Mr. and
Mrs. Teagarten. Is that...

actually, I wasn't hiding.

Is everything okay?

Why wouldn't it be, Jason?

It's just that you've
never been to my house

before in like two years
and it's what, 10:00 PM?

Actually, it isn't
okay, and you can help.

Rachel's always saying
that you're some kind

of computer genius.

She says I'm a computer genius?

That's very sweet.

I'm sure it was like a
throwaway, like an aside,

you know, "he's
a computer genius"

you know, just like saying...

Oh, you know what, I bet it's
cause she knows it's on my dream

boards to become a computer
genius. I bet that's where that

came from. Did she actually
say that, like in an email,

or was it in
person to you just...

Jason!
This isn't about you!

We need your help with
a video of me and Nancy.

Okay.

So you want me to make
a video of you guys?

No.

Get your mind
out of the gutter!

Good lord Jason,
you take the cake.

It's so much more
fucked up than that.

[gunshots] Die!!

Look at this.
This is insane.

When did this happen?

It feels like in
another lifetime.

Yet also like Tuesday.

Okay, well, we have
to call the police.

No, no. No police.

It was a misunderstanding
but everything's okay now.

It was a hiccup.

A hiccup?
You being kidnapped?

A hiccup.
It was a hiccup. A hiccup.

You don't call 911 every time
you have the hiccups do you, no.

I mean, maybe you
do, but I don't.

Listen, Jason.

We don't want
Rachel to see this.

She would only worry.

That's why we must
take this down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Shouldn't be a problem.

Although, these guys
should be punished though,

cause they cannot do that.
Especially to you guys. I mean-

[Skype notification]

Oh my god, okay, that's actually
Rachel Skyping me right now.

We're not here.

She'll know there's
something wrong.

We would only be here with
you if we were desperate.

No, no, I want to see her
little face, even if it's for

just a second. We can hide,
she won't know we're here,

please, please, please.

All right, go ahead.

[Jason] Really? Okay.

Yo, hey Rach.
What's up?

I can only talk
for a few minutes.

Jessie is a great roommate, but
she's throwing her third party

in four days, and she's...

Jason?

Are you okay?

What? I'm fine.

That's... how about you?

[sighs] Well, actually,
I'm a little worried.

My mom called, and
I tried calling her back,

and she's not picking up.

[nervously] Oh, uh,
that's, you know.

It's her, cause her phone,
it's um, her phone is broken.

You saw her?

Yeah, they had a
yard sale yesterday.

A yard sale?

No, that's.. I'm sorry,
"yard sale," what's...

no, they were, cause they
were in the yard, so...

I ran into them cause
I took a shortcut.

Um, to, to go to work at
Staples, where I am the

assistant manager.

This is weird.
Mom always calls me right back.

This isn't like her.

Well, it could be 'cause
she's singing and dancing,

and also blowing someone.

Uh, her birthday. Isn't
it her birthday pretty soon?

Oh of course, poor mom.

Jason, I should surprise her.

I'll come home for her
birthday, she'll love that.

Yeah, yeah, they both would.

Yeah, they would both
love that for sure.

You should come on down.

I'll try dad, he'll love it.

I'll get tulips, tulips are her
favourite flowers, and I'll

invite all her sisters, and
everyone will be there...

[cheesy ringtone]

That's funny, you hear that?

It's my dad's ringtone.

Okay, you know what, Rachel?

I really gotta
tell you something.

Actually, your parents...

[heavy crash]

Jason, you really are a little
quisling, you know that?

Okay, he was from Norway.

[sighs] I felt terrible
lying to Rachel.

I understand, because you never
know when the lies are going to

stop and they just keep coming.
Pushing you out of the way,

taking over
your life completely.

[sighs]
What a beautiful street.

Do you have raccoons?

Yeah, sporadically. [laughs]

I love them.

Is that your guy's moving truck?

No. Well, yes, we're just
trying to sell a few things.

From the back of a truck?

Eh, we're trying to
finish off our yard sale.

For the truck and the computer,
using that, uh, Skype thing.

Anyhow.

You mean like a
virtual yard sale?

Wow, did you come up with
that idea, Mr. Teagarten?

What? Uh, yeah, sure.

Anyway, thanks for
your help and...

That's genius!
Do you see the potential?

Not one iota.
We gotta run now.

Wait, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten,
I think there's something

I need to show you.

For the love of Christ,
Jason, what is it?

♪♪

[Jason] So the park was actually
built in the '50s, it kind of

fell on hard times, was vacant
for a while, so some friends

and I we pooled our money and
bought it, and we spent the

last two years
just fixing it up.

Jason, this is amazing.

Thank you.

This is what I
wanted to show you.

All of our trailer homes have a
storage space, because people

are downsizing from
like 3500 square feet.

These days I guess it's
like that everywhere.

So this is where your
virtual yard sale comes in.

You can upload streaming video
and people can browse it,

like in real time.

So you've got almost a live yard
sale, but you're bidding like

eBay online, so you call
it something like YardBay.

I'm sure you've thought all this
through, but I'd love to help,

I can computer
code it all for you.

[cheesy ringtone]

Hello?

[fake Japanese accent]
No, Mr. Teagarten no here.

Call back later.

He in the shower now, washing
his body with shampoo and honey.

He have a shingles.

[clears throat]

That was an old fraternity
buddy of mine, Clyde Drexler.

I mean, he's a fan
of Clyde Drexler.

Mm-hmm.

Trailblazers.

Um, anyway, uh, thanks
for the tour Jason.

This was impressive.
Mobile homes and crap.

I'm sorry, that
sounded patronizing.

Food for thought.

Thanks for your
help with the video.

Anytime.

[Frank] Boy,
Jason sure can talk.

Okay, I better call Randall
and tell him I'll take that

catalytic converter job.

[Nancy] Okay, I'm
gonna go get a Baby Ruth.

A Baby Ruth?

Shit.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry to bother ya.

Do you have any change, or
better yet, do you mind if I use

your cell phone, it's
kind of an emergency.

[Nancy] A Baby Ruth candy bar.

[Cashier] Oh, Baby Ruth.

I thought you said Zagnut.

Uh, do you have one?

Yeah, let me check in the back.

I'll take two if you have em.

Buddy, cool off.

I'm not trying to cause
any problems here.

You act like you got 50 kilos
back there or something.

Oh, by the way, how much are...
What? What?

Frank? Frank! Frank!

[door dings]

[Cashier] I found the
king size, is that okay?

[screams angrily]

Hello? King size okay?

[yells]

You try that
again, motherfucker?

[Shope] I'm gonna bust
your fucking head open.

[police sirens]

[Cop] Everybody put your
hands where I can see em!

On the ground!

Get on the ground now!

[dogs barking]

[helicopter thrumming]

[Cop] Jackpot.

Turns out it was 120 kilos.

[Cop] Teagarten.
Frank Teagarten.

FBI wants to talk to you.
Come on.

The FBI wants to talk to me?
Why?

They think you're good lookin'.
Come on.

Not you.

Are you okay?

It seems to me you're
as scared as I am.

[Shope]
I'm not scared for myself.

For my daughter.

We're done talkin'.

I have a daughter, too.

Our biggest fear in life
was to disappoint her.

I'm so ashamed and
worried, and...

Don't be bitching
to me about your rich life

and your spoiled brat daughter.

You know, you're gonna be out
of here in a minute,

and she'll have her mommy back.

But now thanks to you, I'm stuck
in here for god knows how long.

Yeah.

I will get out, but I will still
be a good-for-nothing fuckup.

And that might not mean a lot to
you, since it looks like you've

been a fuckup for a while, but
we only fucked up for one week.

One week, is all it took
for us to ruin her life.

She's only 19, and now she's...

Are you kidding me?

Your daughter's 19.

She's supposed to be
taking care of herself.

My Rose, she's only 7.

And now, she's all
alone in the world.

She's got nobody.

[sniffs]

Woman, you have no
idea what shame is.

Shit.

You win.

[police sirens]

[Milhouse] Hey, Frank.

I'm special agent Milhouse.

This is special agent Barnes.

[Barnes] Weird night, huh?

- Yeah.
- God.

120 kilos of Norteno Cocaine.

A hell of a bust.

Yeah.

You know that we had nothing
to do with this, right?

Oh, so you think that
we just send out our whole

field office just for fun.

This is what we know.

We've been tailing Chope for
three days, since he entered

the United States.

Next thing we know, the three
of you are in a Kwik-E-Mart

parking lot free for all, so I
think we've got a problem here,

don't you?

Frank, if you want to get out
of here tonight, you've got to

convince us you're not
some big rich drug lord.

Like, for real.

[cheesy cell phone ring]

[fake Japanese accent] Hello?
Mr. Teagarten no home, his phone

went through a snow blower,
and he chop his head right off.

[slow blues]

[Frank] I guess owing 300
bucks to Mastercard helped

convince them we aren't
Mr. and Mrs. El Chapo.

[Nancy] I can't help thinking
about that little girl.

Nancy, what are you gonna do?

Have her come live with us in
this fucking Perri Winkle truck?

God, this day sucked.

Carl, he found my medals.

How did he find them?

He's a sneaky motherfucker.

But those medals made me
remember that I used to win.

I used to have an edge.

This week, I've cried more
than I have ever cried before,

and for things that I
would have never cried about

in the old days.

It's like I've become
this person I don't know,

and I don't like.

Where is this headed?

[exhales]

We need to talk to Dan.

Why, and beg for money?

That's not getting
your edge back.

That's surrendering,
not winning.

Guys like Dan, they take
advantage of weakness.

I'll figure it out.

I think.

I bet Rachel used to take
one of those buses to school.

Long ago, back in the time
when she used to look up to me

like I was Superman.

[cries]

Oh, Frank.

[Bum 1] You crying?

[Bum 2] You were crying.
What a pussy.

No, I'm not crying.

But if I was, it's
because good god.

It's because the
two of you reek.

Fuck you.

Hey, you got 10 bucks?
For gas?

Wow, what timing you have, bum.

No, actually, we don't
have 10 bucks for gas.

[Bum 1] Liar.

That's some high-end furniture
you got there, rich asshole.

Rich?

You have completely misread
our situation, my man.

Oh, woah, woah.
I'm not your man.

He's not your man, fish face.

[laughs]

I don't think anybody's ever
called me fish face before.

Good.

[Bum 1] You believe this pile of
fish face, calling me "his man?"

I'm not your man, so fuck you.

No, no. It's, uh,
it's more like fuck you.

I'm sorry, you're not
understanding what we're saying.

Fuck you.

What's your name?

Will.

What's your name?

Colin.

Will, Collin.

Fuck you.

[Colin] Fish face.

[Nancy] So?

How long do we sit here for?

[Frank] I'm not sure.

[clunking]

Hey. What are
you doing out there?

So, what do we got here?

Where's the other bum?

Maui.

I could buy a couple of things.

Woah, woah, woah, you think
this is some kind of a store?

What else would
you be doing here?

Well, actually, it's kind
of a- an incredible story.

- Nancy!
- How much for the paint?

Spray paint, I'd
like to huff it.

[Frank] You want to huff it?

You want to huff the
can of spray paint?

You're like, the worst bum ever.

What is it, a pageant?

And you came in last.

Okay, five bucks.

Five bucks for a can of paint?

That's what I said.
Five bucks, yes or no.

There's a line
forming behind you.

[laughs] I made you
look, you fucking idiot.

Fuck off.

[liquid pouring]

Stop lookin at me.

Get away from the gas tank, bum.

Fuck you.

[explosion]
[screaming]

[screams]

Stop and drop.

[Will shrieks]
Why is this happening?

You're on fire!

Run, get the fire extinguisher!

You not gonna stop, man?
He's on fire!

I don't need this
shit in my life!

[screaming]

Oh yeah, lie
on me, get on me girl.

Oh yeah, grind me
out like a cigarette.

Yeah, let me return the favour.

I'm anything but a gentleman.

Are you okay...

That's my wife, bum.

[coughs]

She got on me, dude.

[coughs]

Bum, put those lamps back.

[Nancy] So,
that's the basic concept.

Mmm. Sounds like a good idea.
What, you're calling it YardBay?

YardBay.

Great name for a great idea.

Well, it's Frank's idea.

You hear that, bums?

The great idea was my idea.

A shovel swinging in your
face would be a good idea.

[laughs]

[laughing]

He already did that.

While smoking a spider.

[laughs]

Oh, I believe it,
cause he's a huge dumbass.

Look at his fat fish face.

[laughs]

Frank is a
banana split of shit.

I don't like that.

I hate to say it, but Frank
is right about one thing.

You got a good idea.

Okay?

But you gotta go in strong when
you're dealing with rich people.

Otherwise they'll prey on you.

I would know that, cause I used
to be one of those people.

[explosion]

[screams]
Put me out, fish face!

[screams]

All right,
I'm out, I'm out.

You okay?

Yeah.

What happened?

Cigarette.

Ah, yeah.
Same thing happened to me.

Feel stupid.

Yeah.

All right, well, goodbye Frank.

Hope a train falls on your face.

[laughs]

Go siphon some gas
and smoke a cigarette, bum.

Touché.

You sure you're all right?

Yeah. I did the same thing
and next thing you know,

the flames just jump on ya.

You think it's
the cigarette, or?

50/50 chance.

They were sweet.

Colin and Will.

Fuck them.

♪♪

[Rachel] Why is there
furniture on the lawn?

[Jessie]
Maybe they were partying.

They're not like that, Jessie.

You coming inside?

I want to start setting
up for the surprise.

Um, yeah, in a minute.

I got the spins, I'm just gonna
go back to bed for a little bit.

Okay.

That's weird.

Woah, woah, woah!

Hey.

If you're here for the yard
sale, it's in the yard.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm a guy holding pepper spray.

12 ounces...

3 ounces of pepper spray
at your eyes, all right?

Who are you?

I'm Rachel.

I live here.

Oh my god, Rachel?

Yeah.

Oh, I've heard so
much about you.

[laughs]

I'm Carl.

Carl, I think you're gonna

need to explain to
me what's going on.

[grimaces]

Baby, I think I
figured something out,

and we're gonna call it
"The Carl."

Feeling good?

If good means nervous.

A Baby Ruth?

Sometimes a Baby Ruth
is just a candy bar.

The tournament is cancelled but
I'm sure Dan is still here.

This has to work.

You heard what those bums said,
we have to make these rich guys

wanna give us money.

Make'em need to give it to us.

It's fourth and goal, no time
on the clock, you got the ball,

and I'll just follow your lead.

Keep it close.

Oh no, that's not
"fuck you,"

that's somebody else.

[Nancy] Can you wash it?

That's fine.

I have to go to the
locker room to clean up

and put on my secret weapon.

- Meet you at the golf carts.
- Okay.

Okay, well then, where
did they go after that?

[sighs]
I don't know.

I mean, it seems to
change every 16 minutes.

Frankly, I'm worried.

And your mother, I mean, maybe
you know her better than me,

but she seems a little unhinged.

But the point is, I think
your surprise birthday party

is a wonderful idea.

Have you ever seen
The Wedding Planner?

- Mm.
- With J-Lo?

That's short for Jennifer Lopez.

Anyway, I love J-Lo,
and not just because she's

a fellow Latina,
I love her for her dancing,

I love her for her singing,
I love her for her acting,

but I never liked her perfume.

It was gross.

Carl, I don't think
we're gonna have a party.

[door closes]

I need to call my
Aunt Betty, and...

Okay, I need like 12 billion
aspirin and one ounce...

[whispers] Oh my god, who is
this hunk of stud hunk...

Jessie, this is Carl.

He's, I guess, staying with us.

Hi. I'm Jessie.

- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

Did you just call
me a hunk of stud?

If I was a shark, man,
I would just chomp

into you like a
little baby seal.

Please god, don't let
this be a fucking dream.

[laughs, coughs]

[Henderson] Hey, Andy.

[Andy] Danny boy.

[laughs] Mm.

Look at that, there's
Nancy at the bar.

[Rich guy] Ooh.

[drunkenly] Saluuut.

Fancy Nancy.

Hey guys.

Hey, Frank.

Yeah, she's having a few.

[Nancy laughs]

Right now, she couldn't
see the hole in a ladder.

[laughs]

We've been
celebrating some good news.

Oh, yeah?
What good news is that?

Some Silicon Valley news.

[intrigued] Ooh.

Hiiii guys.

Oh bummer, they
cancelled your game.

I know, I know.

White balls, white
snow, you know.

Well, white balls
are better than blue.

You ever run track?

Ever run track?
Ever run track?

You mean with our feet?

That's why they have golf carts.

Oh, stop right there baby.

I need you to pay
attention and to focus,

because I'm about
to organize you.

Baby can we talk for a second.

No.

No, Honey, I think...

I talk to you all the time,
I'm sick of talking to you,

I want to talk to them.

Stop trying to control me.

Enjoy the moment, fellas.

Well, I used to
run four-person relays,

and this is how it works.

The second fastest runner
usually starts the race.

That fucker needs
to get a good lead.

Andy, smart, hard worker.

You've earned your money.

Yes.

So, I am going to make
you the first runner.

Come with me.

The second runner needs to
be solid, and dependable.

That's you, Steve.

You've done well in Wall
Street, but you've never

done anything...

flashy.

[Chuckling]

I am so sorry Rob,
but the slowest

runner always runs third.

I know that you're rich,
but it's family money, baby.

You need to be hungry.

Maybe today,
shock us baby please.

[Clears throat]

And you, my Danny boy.

You're fourth.

I'm never fourth.

But the fourth runner is
always the fastest runner.

Ahh.

He's also the smartest runner.

Because he knows
what it takes to win.

Either dig deep to
make up for the lost time,

or run just fast
enough to hold the lead.

I was always the fourth runner.

Because I was very, very good.

So, let's stretch.

Warm up.

And assume the position.

Okay, now I like this part.

[laughs]
Isn't she something?

Stand up, baby.

So now what, we actually run?

Yes, and Frank is going to tell
you what's at the finish line.

No. no, baby...

We have no more room
for investors...

Please, please,
Frank. I mean, you cannot

trust those millionaires
from Silicon Valley.

Silicon is fake,
like the fake silicon boobs,

they're fake millionaires,
they're nouveau rich.

It's just a pitch,
it's a pitch...

Now you have to tell
him about the pig.

Say the pitch, come on.

Tell them about the pig.
The pig!

All right, all right, all right.

You know the phrase "burn down
the house to cook a pig?"

You don't have a lot of house
left, we have a lot of

cooked pig?

A lot of bankruptcy filings
in this country right now,

people have lost everything.

They gambled
and they got wiped out.

Have I got your attention?

We help them sell
the barbecued pork.

People browse yard
sales from home.

It's called YardBay.

Yeah baby.

I like it.

I like it.

Let's talk.

[Nancy] And the winner is....
Dan!

[Frank laughing]
My wife is so...

[Nancy]
Your acting was brilliant.

[Frank] Well, I couldn't
have gotten home

if you didn't put me on 3rd,
baby.

I feel great.

Boy, it really was, wasn't it?

I just did a Carl.

My crazy made you look good,
and now they want YardBay!

I'm gonna call Jason.

I need to have something to
show Dan over lunch tomorrow.

Yes.

Oh, Frank, is it over?

Are we finally out
of this shit-storm?

I don't know how, but I
think we did it, didn't we?

Who said you can't
unring a bell?

Mom, Dad...

Rachel.

[Stammers]

And I see you've met Carl.

Nancy. I've been so worried.

Carl told me everything.

I've tried piecing it
together, but I don't know.

I called Aunt Betty,
she's on her way here.

Great.

[cheesy ringtone]
Honey, it's Nigel.

Yes...

Nige.

I'm sorry, did you
just call me "Nige?"

Uh, it's possible. I knew
a guy called Adolf Dick once,

that's a tough name, isn't it?

Listen, I just had an amazing
conversation with the police

who informed me that my
house has been burglarized.

I'm about to board this flight,
and come home and start ripping

some new assholes.
All right?

No, no, they caught the culprit,
everything's back in the house.

It's all good in
the hood, Nigel.

Oh, oh the police found him?

They didn't let me know that.
All right, listen.

I want the perpetrators,
I want them prosecuted

and I want them sent to jail,
okay?

No, no, Nigel.

The thief was hit by a
car and a bike and a rock.

Isn't that punishment enough?

You know, even 5000 miles away
I can still smell the bullshit.

I'm getting on this plane.

Or, I could go take a
picture of your living room

and send it to you, and you
could see how it's pristine.

[flight announcement]

Yeah. Send it.

[mischievous music]

All right, I understand
that you must be mad.

Mom, I'm mad that you didn't
trust me enough to tell me

what was going on.

And also, I'm mad
that I missed out

on seeing my amazing
parents in action.

I wish I could have been there,

because I'll never stop
learning from you guys.

Rachel.

[car engine rumbles]

Come upstairs to my closet.

It's now a panic room.

Hey pervert.

What did we tell you
about coming back here?

[yelps]

Where's the main deviant?

[Rachel] Jason?

Don't worry, Rach.
I got this.

[Nancy] No Jason,
don't mess with these guys.

[yells] Frank, we
have a problema!

No, no, no. Nobody speaks to
Mrs. Teagarten like that.

What you got there, ironsides?
A cap gun?

Tasers.

I carry rent money.

[horn honks]
[brakes squeal]

Holy shit,
those are police tasers.

Oh, I want that fucker.

- Be prepared to meet your...
- Give me one.

Hey, kids.
What are you guys doing here?

An X-26-6000?

I'm just right in the middle
of something super important.

- We really don't want these...
- Back off you stupid fuck.

Fight me!

Who are you kids?
Please leave me be...

Suck a fat one.

My girlfriend is watching!

Pussy!

Take the tasers,
you wore me down.

[mumbles]

Who are you?

I'm Plumber.

[heavy crack]
Ugh!

Ready for some shock
and awe, fuckers?

Amen.

[taser buzzes and clicks]

Kneel before your god.

You guys are wonderful children.
Both of you.

All right guys.

All right, we're good.

Yeah, for once we're having
fucking fun in our lives,

because you never gave us a good
childhood, so can you just like,

let us have fun?

[taser buzzes and clicks]
[yelling]

Nice.

All right. We're done.

...that was amazing.

Thanks, baby.

Okay, I understand the impulse.

But let's have no more of
this vigilante justice, okay?

We have to have law and order.
Believe me, I would know.

[tires squeal]

All right, listen up.

We've got two minutes.

Everything inside.

Sir, you really need to board.

Yeah, all right, all right.

All right, uh, pull my bags off
the plane, I'm going to Nepal.

You can't be serious.

Yeah, hurry up, come on, lady!
Let's go.

Pull the trigger on my bags.

Uh, airport security
to Gate B31.

Wait, why, 'cause
I called you lady?

You said the word "trigger."

It's not a great word
around here these days.

Oh, you called the pigs,
you fucking stupid...

Oh. He is a lady,
that's his... Ugh.

[glass clinks]

[cork pops]

[cheesy 70s music]

[door opens]

[Guard] Good luck.

[Nancy] Bye.

Oh, Frank.

So, I can't talk you
out of this, right?

No, honey, you can't.

Good.

More than good.

[airplane roars]

♪♪

[Nancy] Is this Rose?

Hi Rose, I am Nancy.

[Rose] Where's my daddy?

Your daddy couldn't come,
but he sent me to get you

and you're going to see
him really, really soon.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna
be taking care of you.

Is that all right?

Is he in jail?

Sometimes he goes to jail.

You shouldn't worry about
that, you must be so tired.

And hungry.
Are you hungry?

Thank you very much.

You're so brave that
you came all that way.

Were you scared?

A little.

[happy chattering]

[Trey] Turkey, turkey!

[glass taps]

O'Henry once said that
love and family and country

are nothing but shadows of
words when a man is starving.

And today, we are not starving.

I'm glad you're all here.

[mockingly] O'Henry once said
that love and family and country

all together is...

Uh...

You're right.

I'm a douche.

[laughs] Yes!

Yes, you most
certainly are a douche.

[all laugh]

And that is the first
step towards recovery.

Thank you.

[glass taps]
Okay, okay, here we go.

I'm thankful that we got rid of
our stuck up, useless friends.

Our new ones
are a little strange,

but they are true friends.

I am so thankful that I
married the love of my life

and that I know my Frank
and I can overcome anything,

as long as we are together.

Rose, Rachel?

Thank god for Baby Ruths.

[laughing]

Okay, who's hungry?

Me.

For my new friend.

♪ Welcome back, it's so
good to have you home ♪

♪ Welcome back,
you've been gone so long ♪

[Frank] Well, that's our story.

Frank and Nancy lived in Jason's
trailer court for a while,

and Frank took the job
snipping catalytic converters.

He's pretty darn good at it.

They rented the house to Carl,
and they all worked night

and day on YardBay.

Last time we checked it was
getting pretty darn huge.

And it all started
when they got drunk.

And because they were drunk,

drunk with love
for their daughter.

And like the saying goes,
a drunk man's actions are

a sober man's thoughts.

They were drunk parents.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Welcome home, ♪

♪ Welcome home ♪

♪ Oh, oooh, ♪

♪ Welcome home, Ooh. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

♪♪