All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S01E15.WEBRip.x264-FGT

JUDGE MENDOZA,
I'M NAMING YOU AS MY NOMINEE

TO BE THE NEXT ASSOCIATE JUSTICE

OF THE UNITED STATES
SUPREME COURT.

MY NAME IS SAM SEABORN

AND I'M THE DEPUTY
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.

JOSH LYMAN,
DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF.

I'M JOSIAH BARTLET.
I'M CHARLES YOUNG.

BUT YOU PREFER
CHARLIE, RIGHT?

I SHOULD CALL YOU ZOEY?

IF I CAN CALL YOU CHARLIE.

WE'VE MET TEN
OR 12 TIMES.

I'M LEO McGARRY,

WHITE HOUSE
CHIEF OF STAFF.

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE THE BUTLER.

LEO McGARRY IS
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF.

I'M YOUR HOST, C.J.
LET'S PLAY OUR GAME.

I'M TOBY ZIEGLER.
FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.

YEAH.

GOOD EVENING.

WELCOME TO THE THIRD INSTALLMENT

OF THIS YEAR'S MARJORIE DU PONT
LECTURE SERIES.

I SEE BY THE SIZE OF THE TURNOUT

YOU'RE EXCITED
TO MEET TONIGHT'S GUEST...

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

He was arrested.

FOR WHAT?

DRUNK DRIVING, RESISTING ARREST

AND, I THINK,
DISORDERLY CONDUCT.

YOU THINK?

THIS THING'S

ABOUT 30 MINUTES OLD, JOSH.

WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED.

MENDOZA DOESN'T DRINK.

HE WAS ARRESTED
FOR DRUNK DRIVING.

ROBERTO MENDOZA
DOESN'T DRINK, JOSH.

HOW MUCH DOES THE PRESS KNOW?

They don't know anything.

THE COPS HAVEN'T LEAKED IT?

I SWEAR TO GOD,
I DON'T THINK THE COPS KNOW.

THEY DON'T KNOW
THEY ARRESTED ROBERTO MENDOZA?

THEY DON'T KNOW
IT'S THAT ROBERTO MENDOZA.

I've got this... this thingnow.

I GOT A CAB.

THE WHITE HOUSE.

I'LL LET YOU KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.

STAY AHEAD OF THE PACE, SAM,
AND HAVE TOBY PAGE ME.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
IF THIS GUY'S CALLED A LAWYER.

IS HE SITTING IN A JAIL CELL
RIGHT NOW?

YOU'RE NOT THERE ANYMORE,
ARE YOU?

I'M TALKING
TO NO ONE AT ALL RIGHT NOW.

HE CAME DOWN TO THE BELTWAY

WHERE HE WORKED AS FLOOR MANAGER
FOR THE HOUSE MINORITY WHIP

AND CHIEF OF STAFF
FOR CONGRESSMAN EARL BRENNAN.

AFTER SERVING

AS SENIOR POLITICAL DIRECTOR

FOR JED BARTLET'S
PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN

HE WAS APPOINTED DEPUTY
WHITE HOUSE CHIEF OF STAFF.

PLEASE WELCOME

JOSHUA LYMAN. JOSH.

( applause )

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

THANKS, DAVID.
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HAVE A SEAT.

ALL RIGHT.

JUST SLIP
THAT MIKE ON.

JOSH, YOU'RE HERE TO
TELL US WHAT IT'S LIKE

TO WORK FOR
THE PRESIDENT.

I'LL DO MY BEST.

WHAT HAPPENED?

IT'S NOT AS BAD
AS YOU THINK, C.J.

WAS THE
PRESIDENT'S NOMINEE

FOR THE SUPREME COURT
JUST ARRESTED?
YES.

THEN IT'S PRETTY
BAD, ISN'T IT?
SURE.

I THOUGHT HE DOESN'T DRINK.

HE DOESN'T DRINK.

HE WAS TONIGHT.

C.J., WE VETTED THE MAN.

I'M NOT SAYING HE'S
NOT A HEAVY DRINKER.

I'M SAYING HE
DOESN'T DRINK.

THEN WHAT WAS HE
PULLED OVER FOR?

DRIVING WHILE
BEING HISPANIC.

DOES TOBY KNOW?

I STEPPED OFF
THE EDGE OF THE WORLD.

YES.
WHERE'D
THIS HAPPEN?

WESLEY, CONNECTICUT.

WHY'D HE REFUSE
THE BREATHALYZER?

BECAUSE HE'S
A CRAZY MAN

WHO'S OUT TO
RUIN MY LIFE.

TOBY, THAT'S
WHAT HE'S OUT TO DO.

HAS ANYONE
POSTED BAIL?

NO.
WHY NOT?

THEY CAN'T
FIND A JUDGE.
WHY NOT?

IT'S NOT COOK COUNTY,
TOBY.

IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT
IN WESLEY, CONNECTICUT.

BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU THIS, C.J.

I WILL FIGURE OUT A WAY
TO BLAME THIS ON YOU.

I HAVE NO DOUBT
ABOUT THAT.

HAVE SOMEONE FIND HIS LAWYER
AND TALK TO HIM.

SAM, THERE'S AN AIR FORCE
LEAR JET WITH ITS MOTOR RUNNING.

FLY TO WESTCHESTER COUNTY
AIRPORT, RENT A CAR

DRIVE TO WESLEY AND GET
THE NEXT ASSOCIATE JUSTICE

OF THE SUPREME COURT
OUT OF JAIL. C.J.!

SAM SEES ONE REPORTER
WHEN HE GETS OFF THAT PLANE

I'M GOING TO BLAME YOU.

TOBY'S GOT YOU
COVERED THERE.

I'M GOING WITH SAM.

TOBY.

THE JUDGE AND
I ARE GOING

TO HAVE AN ABRUPT
CONVERSATION.

I WANT MY PHONE TO RING ONCE

EVERY 15 MINUTES.

I WANT TO KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.

ABOUT A TYPICAL DAY
AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

WELL, THE FIRST THING
I'LL TELL YOU IS--

THERE'S NO SUCH THING.

THERE'S A SCHEDULE

AND THERE'S A STRUCTURE,
TO BE SURE, AND...

TO A CERTAIN EXTENT
IT STARTS OUT

AS A NINE-TO-FIVE JOB,
BUT YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH

COUNT ON IT BEING
BLOWN TO HELL BY 9:30.

GIVE US AN EXAMPLE.

I-I'LL GIVE YOU
AN EXAMPLE FROM THIS WEEK.

IN FACT, THE STORY
I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU

ALL HAPPENED
WITHIN THE LAST 36 HOURS.

ANYONE WHO'S BEEN
READING THE PAPERS

IN THE LAST FEW DAYS

HAS PROBABLY
BEEN FOLLOWING ALONG

WITH WHAT WE CALL THE NEWS CYCLE
THAT WOULDN'T END.

DEPENDING ON HOW
YOU LOOK AT IT

IT STARTED EITHER WITH A CABINET
SECRETARY LOSING HER TEMPER

A COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN BAITING HER
DURING A HEARING

THE PRESIDENT ANSWERING
A QUESTION HE SHOULDN'T HAVE

A DENTIST APPOINTMENT,
OR ME, BEING STUPID.

FOR THE RECORD, I'D LIKE TO SAY

THAT I DON'T THINK
IT WAS AS MUCH MY FAULT

AS OTHER PEOPLE DO.

( laughter )

ONE THING'S FOR SURE.

IT STARTED OUT AS A DAY

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO TRUMPET
THE PRESIDENT'S VISION

FOR EDUCATIONAL REFORM.

Sam:
GIVE ME THE BULLET POINTS.

I UNDERSTAND
THIS, SAM.
EXCELLENT.

I REALLY DO.
I HAVE COMPLETE
CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

THANK YOU.

GIVE HIM THE
BULLET POINTS.

I FEEL BATHED
IN YOUR CONFIDENCE

AS WELL, TOBY.
C.J.

FORGIVE STUDENT LOANS TO PEOPLE
WHO BECOME TEACHERS

AND SPEND AT LEAST THREE YEARS

TEACHING IN A RURAL
OR INNER CITY SCHOOL

GIVE CASH BONUSES TO PEOPLE

WHO LEAVE OTHER CAREERS
TO BECOME TEACHERS

AND PROVIDE FEDERAL MONEY

FOR GRANTS
TO INDIVIDUAL SCHOOL DISTRICTS

TO USE OLDER,
MORE EXPERIENCED TEACHERS

TO TRAIN YOUNGER,
LESS EXPERIENCED TEACHERS.

HALF OF ALL NEW TEACHERS
QUIT IN THE FIRST THREE YEARS.

IT'S RIGHT HERE
ON MY INDEX CARD, TOBY.

VERY GOOD, THEN.

TOBY.

YEAH.

GOT A MINUTE?

THANK YOU BOTH.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT?

WHAT TIME IS YOUR BRIEFING?

11:00.

YOU SHOULD PUSH IT

TO 1:00.

I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT.

DO IT AFTER
THE BILL SIGNING

AND LET THIS
BE THE STORY.

LET'S CONTROL
THE NEWS CYCLE.

CAROL, MOVE THE
BRIEFING TO 1:00.

YOU CAN'T.
WHY NOT?

YOU HAVE THE THING.

THIS IS A
PERFECT EXCUSE

TO POSTPONE THE THING.

YOU REALLY DON'T
WANT TO DO THAT.

YOU HAVE A THING?

I HAVE A DENTIST
APPOINTMENT AT NOON.

WHAT'S WRONG?
NOTHING'S WRONG.

I'M EXPERIENCING SOME PAIN.

FOR HOW LONG?

ABOUT A MONTH NOW,
BUT IT'LL GO AWAY BY ITSELF.

WHEN?

WHEN I DIE, SAM.

CAROL, CANCEL
THE APPOINTMENT.

CAROL, SET THE BRIEFING
FOR 2:00.

KEEP THE APPOINTMENT.

SAM.

YOUR TEETH ARE THE BEST
FRIENDS YOU GOT, C.J.

THEY ARE?
TAKE CARE OF THEM,
THEY'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

WHEN DID YOU START
TALKING LIKE THIS?

I'M NUTS FOR
DENTAL HYGIENE.

GO AWAY. NOW.

OKAY.

SHE CALLED HIM A RACIST.

SHE DIDN'T USE
THAT WORD.

WHAT WORD DID SHE USE?

WELL, YES,
SHE USED THAT WORD.

BONNIE, GINGER.

YES.

I WANT ANYTHING THAT MIGHT
BE ON THE WIRE ALREADY

ABOUT THE HUD SECRETARY
CALLING JACK WOODEN A RACIST.

YOU WANT IT NOW?

NO, BONNIE, I WANT IT

AT WHATEVER LEISURELY
PACE YOU TWO FEEL...

I'M JUST ASKING.

I WANT IT NOW.

ON C-SPAN, SHE
CALLED HIM A RACIST.

NO, NO, NO,
NOT JUST WOODEN.

SHE WAS PRETTY CAREFUL
TO INCLUDE ALL REPUBLICANS.

WHY ARE YOU
GOOD-HUMORED
ABOUT THIS?

SHE WAS BAITED.

I DON'T CARE.

SHE WAS BAITED
AND SHE WAS RIGHT.

GOOD FOR HER.

EXCUSE ME, JOSH,
DID YOU KNOW

DEBORAH O'LEARY CALLED...

IS THAT A WIRE STORY?

WHAT'S IT SAY?

"WOODEN'S LENGTHY
RECITATION OF PROBLEMS

"CONFRONTING PUBLIC HOUSING
DREW AN ANGRY RESPONSE

FROM SECRETARY O'LEARY"

AND HERE IS
WHAT SHE SAID.

"PUBLIC HOUSING HAS
SERIOUS PROBLEMS, MR. CHAIRMAN.

"I DON'T DENY THAT, BUT IF YOU

AND YOUR COLLEAGUES IN
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY..."

( moaning )
"WERE AS
INVESTED

"IN SOLVING THE PROBLEMS
ASSOCIATED WITH POVERTY

"AS YOU ARE IN SCORING
POLITICAL POINTS

"ON THE BACKS OF THE POOR
PEOPLE AND MINORITIES

YOU MIGHT JUST SEE THE VALUE."

"'ARE YOU CALLING ME
A RACIST?' WOODEN SHOT BACK."

"OF COURSE NOT,"
SHE ANSWERED WISELY.

"'IF THE SHOE FITS,"
RESPONDED THE SECRETARY.'"

WELL. WASN'T THAT CLEVER OF HER?

DONALD MORALES

WHO IS THE SPOKESMAN

FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING
AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT

AND WHO WAS WISHING HE HADN'T
GOTTEN OUT OF BED THAT MORNING

( audience chuckles )

CONFIRMS WHAT HAPPENED.

NOW, THERE'S THE MATTER
OF TELLING THE PRESIDENT.

"IF THE SHOE FITS"?!

IT'S A LITTLE BIT
WORSE, ACTUALLY.

"WHEN REPORTERS CONFRONTED
SECRETARY O'LEARY

"IN THE HALLWAY
OUTSIDE THE HEARING ROOM

SHE DEFEN..." OH, COME ON.

DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT.

LEO.
I'LL TAKE
CARE OF IT.

IS SHE ON HER
WAY HERE?

SHE'LL BE HERE
IN A HALF AN HOUR.

MR. PRESIDENT?

YEAH.

LET'S GO.

"IF THE SHOE FITS."

IS THAT THE BEST
SHE COULD DO?

OF HER MANY
TRANSGRESSIONS

MR. PRESIDENT,
LET'S NOT WORRY

ABOUT SHE RESORTED
TO CLICHE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.

THE PRESIDENT SPOKE BRIEFLY.

THE PRESIDENT HAS NEVER SPOKEN
BRIEFLY IN HIS LIFE, BUT...

( audience laughing )

HE SPOKE, HE SIGNED THE BILL,
HE GAVE AWAY THE PENS.

THEN HE TOOK A FEW QUESTIONS
FROM THE PRESS.

NOW, BEFORE I GO ON,
IT SHOULD BE POINTED OUT

THAT ACCORDING TO EVERY POLL
CONDUCTED IN THE UNIVERSE

THE ISSUE
THAT CONCERNS AMERICANS

MORE THAN ANY OTHER
IS EDUCATION.

NOW, THE PRESIDENT HAD
JUST SIGNED OFF

ON $700 MILLION
IN NEW MONEY FOR EDUCATION

AND ANNOUNCED A PLAN

OF AGGRESSIVE
EDUCATION INITIATIVES.

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE THE FIRST
QUESTION FROM THE PRESS WAS?

MR. PRESIDENT

DO YOU AGREE WITH
SECRETARY O'LEARY

THAT CONGRESSMAN WOODEN
IS A RACIST?

AND IF NOT, DO YOU PLAN ON
ASKING FOR HER RESIGNATION?

LET ME SAY THAT I HAVE GREAT
CONFIDENCE IN DEBORAH O'LEARY.

SHE'S DONE A TERRIFIC
JOB AT HUD

HELPING THOUSANDS
OF PEOPLE

MAKE THE VERY
DIFFICULT TRANSITION

FROM JOBLESSNESS
AND HOMELESSNESS

TO MORE FULFILLING
AND PRODUCTIVE LIVES.

I'M SORRY,
MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU DIDN'T ANSWER
THE QUESTION.

I WAS HOPING YOU WOULDN'T
NOTICE THAT, DANNY.

I DID, SIR.

THEN I WILL TELL YOU
THAT I AGREE

THAT THE REPUBLICAN PARTY DOES
NOT HAVE A COMPREHENSIVE PROGRAM

FOR COMBATING POVERTY
IN THIS COUNTRY.

THAT BEING SAID,
THERE ARE COUNTLESS REPUBLICANS

WHO ARE WORKING VERY HARD
TO CHANGE

THEIR PARTY'S LEGACY
ON SOME OF THESE ISSUES

AND I HOPE TO BE WORKING
WITH THEM TO DO JUST THAT.

I'M SURE THAT WAS AN ANSWER
TO SOME QUESTION, MR. PRESIDENT.

IT JUST WASN'T THE ANSWER
TO MINE.

IF ONLY WE'D STOPPED IT
RIGHT THERE.

IF ONLY WE'D SAID,
"SORRY, THE PRESIDENT

CAN'T TAKE
ANY QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW"

OR, UH, "WE'LL COVER THIS
IN THE BRIEFING"

OR "THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE"

( laughter )

BUT FOR SOME REASON, IT TOOK US
ALL A MOMENT TO REALIZE

THAT THERE WAS NO PRESS
SECRETARY IN THE ROOM.

FRANKLY, I THINK SHE WENT
TOO FAR IN ASSIGNING MOTIVE

TO CONGRESSMAN WOODEN
AND THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

WILL YOU BE SPEAKING TO HER?

SHE'LL BE MEETING
WITH LEO McGARRY.

WILL HE ASK HER TO APOLOGIZE?

AN APOLOGY'D BE APPROPRIATE.

OH, LEO.

SAM. ( coughs )

FOLKS, ALL THIS IS
GOING TO BE COVERED

IN THE 2:00 BRIEFING.

THE PRESIDENT'S
LATE FOR LUNCH

WITH THE U.N. AMBASSADOR.
I'M SORRY.

THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

MR. PRESIDENT.

ONE MORE QUESTION.

THAT WENT
PRETTY WELL.

SAM.

YEAH.

THE U.N. AMBASSADOR
IS IN PORTUGAL.

OKAY.

MY BAD.

EIGHT WORDS.

"THE PRESIDENT'S NOT TAKING
ANY QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW."

IF WE'D JUST STEPPED IN
30 SECONDS SOONER.

( beeping )

IT'S ME.

I'M SORRY. I, UH...

THERE'S A THING.

I HAVE,
I HAVE TO ANSWER THIS NOW.

THIS'LL JUST, UH,
TAKE A SECOND.

UH... THIS IS WEIRD,
I KNOW, BUT, UH, ANYWAY...

UH, YEAH.

Yeah, it's me.

ARE YOU THERE YET?

Toby:
WE'RE LOST.

You're lost?

Sam:
WE'RE NOT LOST.

Toby:
YOU'RE FROM CONNECTICUT.

WHAT EXIT DO WE WANT
FOR WESLEY?

What?

WE MISSED THE EXIT.

WE DIDN'T MISS
THE EXIT.

TOBY, I'M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE
OF SOMETHING HERE.

Just tell me.

You bet, buddy.
Call me when you know something.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.

CAN YOU TELL US
WHAT THAT WAS ABOUT?

THE TRADE DEFICIT.

WHERE WAS I?

IF YOU'D ONLY

GOTTEN THERE 30 SECONDS SOONER.

THE DAY WOULD HAVE GONE
A LOT DIFFERENTLY.

THE PRESIDENT HAD SAID

THAT SECRETARY O'LEARY
SHOULD APOLOGIZE.

THE PRESS WANTED TO KNOW IF SHE
WOULD BE FIRED IF SHE DIDN'T

AND WE DIDN'T HAVE AN ANSWER.

SHE WAS COMING UP TO THE WHITE
HOUSE FOR A SHOWDOWN.

THIS IS WHAT THE DAY
WAS ABOUT NOW

AND THE DAY WAS ABOUT
TO GET WORSE

BECAUSE I WAS ABOUT
TO STEP TO THE PLATE.

WE'RE GOING
THE WRONG WAY.

NO, WE'RE NOT.

WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE GOING EAST.

WE'RE GOING EAST.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
WE'RE GOING EAST?

THE SUN RISES
IN THE EAST.

IT'S DARK OUTSIDE.

ALSO, THAT BRIGHT
STAR IN THE NORTHERN
SKY IS POLARIS.

SO WHAT?

I'M USING
CELESTIAL NAVIGATION.

HEY, GALILEO, GET OFF
AT THE NEXT EXIT

AND TURN THE CAR AROUND.

Josh:
SECRETARY O'LEARY WAS TOLD

THAT LEO McGARRY WANTED
TO SEE HER AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

THERE WAS NO QUESTION
THAT SHE WAS GOING TO BE ANGRY

ABOUT THE PRESIDENT PUBLICLY
ASKING HER TO APOLOGIZE

BUT AT THE MOMENT,
THAT WAS LEO'S PROBLEM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
HE DID THAT, LEO.

HOW COULD HE
YOU'RE PISSED AT US?

PUBLICLY DEMAND
THAT I APOLOGIZE

WITHOUT HEARING
MY SIDE OF THE
STORY FIRST?

WE BLEW THE PRECEDENT.
WE'LL COP TO THAT

BUT I'VE GOT VIDEOTAPE
OF YOUR SIDE OF THE STORY.

THE MAN'S A RACIST.

MAYBE SO.
"MAYBE"?

HE'S USING HIS OVERSIGHT
AUTHORITY TO SPIT

AT POOR PEOPLE
AND MINORITIES

WHICH, IN HIS MIND,
ARE THE SAME THING.

LOOK!

HE'S DOING IT
BECAUSE HE CAN.

HE'S DOING IT
BECAUSE HE CAN
SCORE POINTS

WITH HIS NARROW-MINDED
CONSTITUENTS.

HIS NARROW-MINDED
CONSTITUENTS

ARE ALSO OURNARROW-MINDED
CONSTITUENTS.

OH, FOR CRYING
OUT LOUD!

WHEN ARE YOU GUYS
GOING TO STOP

RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?!

WHEN ANGELS STAND
ON PINHEADS, DEBBIE.

WE NEED THEIR VOTES
ON ANY NUMBER OF ISSUES

INCLUDING, BY THE WAY,
THE BUDGET

FOR THE DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING
AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT.

ATTACKING HUD IS CODE
FOR ATTACKING BLACKS.

THANKS-- HAVING BEEN BORN
YESTERDAY ON A TURNIP TRUCK.

DO YOU NOT THINK

IT IS MY ROLE AS THE
HIGHEST-RANKING AFRICAN-AMERICAN
WOMAN

IN GOVERNMENT TO POINT OUT...?

I THINK, DEBBIE, YOUR ROLE,
FIRST AND FOREMOST

IS TO SERVE THE PRESIDENT--

A TASK TODAY AT WHICH YOU FAILED
SPECTACULARLY.

LEO...

YOU GOT TO APOLOGIZE.

I'M SORRY.

NOT TO ME, DEBBIE.

LOOK, I CALLED IT
LIKE I SAW IT.

WELL, NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO APOLOGIZE.

I CAN'T.

YOU CAN.

I WON'T.

YOU WILL.

IS THAT AN ORDER?

YOU'RE DOING
GREAT WORK, DEB.

THE PRESIDENT'S NUTS
ABOUT YOU;

ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

HE'LL CRY FOR THREE MINUTES
AFTER HE FIRES YOUR ASS

AND THEN HE'LL SAY,
"WHAT'S NEXT?"

LEO, IF I'VE GOT TO
GO AND ASK WOODEN
FOR FORGIVENESS

HE'S GOING TO
LORD IT OVER ME

FROM NOW UNTIL
THE END OF TIME.

IT'S THE COST
OF DOING BUSINESS.

DONE.

DEB, HE'S BEEN TRYING
TO PROVOKE YOU FOR MONTHS.

WHEN YOU GIVE IN TO HIM,
YOU SURRENDER THE HIGH GROUND.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

YOU FORGOT WHAT
YOUR GRANDFATHER TAUGHT YOU.

WHAT WAS THAT?

"NEVER ARGUE WITH A DRUNK
OR A FOOL."

IS THE PRESIDENT VERY ANGRY
WITH ME?

MOSTLY HE'S UPSET
THAT YOU COULDN'T COME UP

WITH ANYTHING BETTER THAN
"IF THE SHOE FITS."

GOOD LUCK.

THANK YOU.

Josh:
SO, THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN IT,
RIGHT?

C.J. CREGG DOES
THE 2:00 BRIEFING.

TELLS THEM SECRETARY O'LEARY HAS

AN APOLOGY
FOR CONGRESSMAN WOODEN

ALL QUESTIONS ON THE MATTER
WILL BE HANDLED

BY HER SPOKESPERSON,
DONALD MORALES

AND REDIRECTS THEIR ATTENTION

TO THE 700 MILLION
BUCKS OF YOURS

THAT WE JUST SPENT
ON TEACHERS.

WHO HERE HAS HAD
EMERGENCY ROOT CANAL?

Josh:
YEAH?

( muffled ):
JOSH.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I HAD ROOT CANAL.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR CHEEKS?

I HAD ROOT CANAL.

WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT?

I HAD ROOT CANAL!

YEAH, I HEARD YOU

THE FIRST TIME.
I WAS JUST AMUSING MYSELF.

I CAN SUGGEST OTHER THINGS
YOU CAN DO WITH YOURSELF.

ARE YOU IN PAIN?

I HAD ROOT CANAL!

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED
TO STOP SAYING THAT

'CAUSE YOU JUST LOOK
AND SOUND SO RIDICULOUS.

I HAVE TO CANCEL
THE BRIEFING.

YOU CAN'T CANCEL
THE BRIEFING.

LOOK AT ME!

YOU'LL BE GREAT.

I CAN'T DO THE BRIEFING.

WHY NOT?

I CAN'T EVEN SAY "BRIEFING."

YOU CAN'T CANCEL.

YOU GOT TO WRAP
UP O'LEARY AND
MOVE HIM BACK

TO THE BILL
SIGNING.
JOSHUA!

I'M SORRY. DID YOU
JUST SAY MY NAME?

YOU REALLY THINK I CAN DO IT?

DON'T BE INSANE, C.J.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO A BRIEFING

LOOKING LIKE BULLWINKLE.

OH, SO, ONCE AGAIN

YOU WERE JUST HAVING
A LITTLE FUN.

YEAH.
HA-HA-HA-HA.

WHEN CAN YOU TAKE
THE COTTON OUT?

TWO HOURS.

I'LL HAVE CAROL
CANCEL THE BRIEFING.

NO, WE'RE
STILL DOING IT.

ME.
WHO?

NO WAY.

C.J....
YOU GET HOSTILE.

I "GET HOT STUFF"?

HOSTILE. HOSTILE.
YOU GET HOSTILE!

DON'T GET HOSTILE.

I DON'T GET
RANDOMLY HOSTILE.

I GET HOSTILE WHEN
HOSTILITY IS CALLED FOR.

WHAT'S SAM DOING?

SAM WENT TO FOGGY BOTTOM.

WHAT'S HE DOING IN FOGGY BOTTOM?

I'M SORRY.
I JUST WANTED TO SEE

IF I COULD MAKE YOU
SAY "FOGGY BOTTOM."

SAM'S WORKING WITH
THE SPEECH WRITERS.

TOBY?
TOBY'S WITH LEO
AND THE PRESIDENT.

JOSH...

HEY, THERE,
CATS AND KITTENS

THIS IS JOSH LYMAN
COMING AT YOU

WITH THE 2:00 BRIEFING.

JOSH, PLEASE,
BE VERY CAREFUL.

TRY VERY, VERY HARD
NOT TO DESTROY US.

YOU SHOULDN'T SAY THAT, C.J.

YOU GOT A GREAT BODY.

HERE WE GO. WHOO!

Woman:
PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS.

WE'LL START THE BRIEFING.

PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS.

JOSH.
HEY, DANNY.

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO DO THIS.

DO THE BRIEFING?

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO DO THIS.

I TALK TO REPORTERS
ALL THE TIME.

YOU REALLY DON'T
WANT TO DO THIS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MI COMPADRE.

YOU GUYS HAVE
BEEN CODDLED.

I'M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
I'M NOT YOUR CAMP COUNSELOR

AND I'M NOT
YOUR SIXTH-GRADE TEACHER

YOU HAD A CRUSH ON.

I'M A GRADUATE
OF HARVARD AND YALE

AND I BELIEVE THAT
MY POWERS OF DEBATE

CAN RISE TO MEET
THE SOCRATIC WONDER

THAT IS THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESS CORPS.

OKEY-DOKEY.

Josh:
Good afternoon, everybody.

Would you take your seats?

C.J. had a dental emergency

so I'll handle the briefing
today.

I'D LIKE TO SAY A COUPLE THINGS
IN MY OWN DEFENSE.

FIRST OF ALL,
EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

I DISPENSED
OF THE DEBORAH O'LEARY MATTER

WITH EASE AND POISE.

I OPENED THE ROOM UP
TO QUESTIONS

WHILE IMPOSING A DISCIPLINE

I FELT HAD BEEN LACKING
IN C.J.'s BRIEFINGS.

I'M GOING TO TAKE
ONE QUESTION APIECE.

JOSH.
MIKE.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME

THE PRESIDENT
HAD A CIGARETTE?

MIKE, YOU SURE YOU WANT YOUR
ONE QUESTION TO BE THAT STUPID?

Woman:
It's not a stupid question,
Josh.

OH, MY GOD.

If the President's going
to continue

to be so adamantly anti-tobacco,
why is it unreasonable to ask

IF HE'S A SMOKER?

THE PRESIDENT QUIT SMOKING
YEARS AGO.

HE BUMMED A CIGARETTE
FROM ME

ON AIR FORCE ONE TWO DAYS AGO.

OH, MY GOD.

WELL, THEN, UH...

JONATHAN?

SO, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO ANSWER KATIE'S QUESTION?

I'LL LOOK INTO IT.

DANNY?

JOSH, ECONOMISTS
WORRY THAT

A CONTINUING DROP
IN UNEMPLOYMENT WILL CREATE

INCREASED PRESSURE ON WAGES,
IN EFFECT, DRIVING THEM UP.

IS THE PRESIDENT WORRIED
THAT THIS COULD LEAD

TO A RESURGENCE OF INFLATION?

LET ME EMPHASIZE
THE PRESIDENT IS PLEASED

THAT UNEMPLOYMENT HAS DROPPED
ANOTHER .5% AS A RESULT...

I'M SURE WE ALL JOIN
THE PRESIDENT IN HIS JOY

BUT I'M WONDERING
IF THE PRESIDENT HAS A PLAN

TO FIGHT
THE RESULTING INFLATION.

THE PRESIDENT WILL DO EVERYTHING
IN HIS POWER TO MAINTAIN

THE ROBUST ECONOMY THAT HAS
CREATED MILLIONS OF NEW JOBS

IMPROVED PRODUCTIVITY
AND KEPT A LID ON INFLATION.

BUT HE HAS NO PLAN

TO ADDRESS INFLATION
SPECIFICALLY?

24 Ph.Ds ON THE COUNCIL
OF ECONOMIC ADVISORS, KATIE.

THEY HAVE A PLAN
TO FIGHT INFLATION.

IS THE REASON YOU WON'T TELL US
ABOUT IT THAT IT'S A SECRET?

YEAH, DANNY, WE HAVE
A SECRET INFLATION PLAN.

Reporters:
Josh! Josh!

OH, MY GOD.

Josh:
I GUESS THAT'S PRETTY MUCH

WHEN THE WHEELS CAME OFF
THE WAGON.

JOSH, RIGHT HERE'S A GOOD TIME
TO TAKE OUR BREAK.

EVERYBODY, LET'S STRETCH
OUR LEGS FOR FIVE MINUTES.

SIGN-UP SHEETS
FOR 202 ARE
IN THE LOBBY.

IF YOU SMOKE, APPARENTLY,
YOU CAN BUM A CIGARETTE

ON AIR FORCE ONE.

LET'S HAVE A HAND FOR
OUR GUEST, JOSHUA LYMAN.

YOU'RE GREAT.

THANKS.

( phone rings )

YEAH?

What's going on?

SAM FEELS WE'RE
ZEROING IN ON IT.

YOU HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET?

We've been navigating

BY THE NORTH STAR,
WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE

THE DELTA SHUTTLE
FROM LA GUARDIA.

IT'S A MIRACLE WE'RE
NOT IN NANTUCKET RIGHT NOW.

TOBY, HOW HARD CAN IT BE

TO FIND
THE WESLEY POLICE STATION?

I DON'T KNOW, JOSH

BUT WHILE WE'RE LOOKING,
CAN YOU TELL ME MORE

ABOUT THE PRESIDENT'S SECRET
PLAN TO FIGHT INFLATION?

HOW LONG BEFORE YOU LET UP
ON ME ON THAT?

Oh, it's going to take
a little while, I would think.

CALL ME WHEN YOU KNOW SOMETHING.

THERE'S A STORE
OPEN UP THERE.

I'M GOING TO PULL OVER

AND ASK IF
THEY KNOW WHERE

THE POLICE STATION IS.

OR YOU CAN JUST PULL IN THERE

AT THE POLICE WESLEY POLICE
STATION AND ASK THEM.

HEY! LOOK!

YEAH, YEAH.

WE FOUND IT.

LET'S GET THIS DONE
AND GET OUT OF HERE.

MY NAME IS SAM SEABORN.

I WORK FOR THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.

IS YOUR WATCH COMMANDER
AROUND?

IS THIS A JOKE?

NO.

YOU WALK IN HERE, YOU TELL ME
YOU WORK FOR THE PRESIDENT?

OFFICER PETER, WE'RE
IN A CERTAIN AMOUNT
OF TROUBLE TONIGHT

AND THE ONLY THING
I'VE GOT GOING FOR ME

IS THAT YOU'RE IN
MORE TROUBLE THAN WE ARE.

MY NAME IS SAM SEABORN;
I WORK FOR THE PRESIDENT.

AND THE SOONER
YOU REACH THE CONCLUSION

THAT I'M TELLING YOU TRUTH

THE BETTER OFF
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE.

WHY DON'T YOU GO
GET YOUR WATCH COMMANDER.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.

IF WE HAD STAYED
ON THE MERRIT PARKWAY

INSTEAD OF GETTING
OFF ON EXIT 29

AND GOING EAST
TO GREENWICH

I DON'T THINK WE'D
WIND UP IN BRIDGEPORT
SO MANY TIMES.

SHUT UP.

I'M SERGEANT McNAMARA.
CAN I HELP YOU FOLKS?

SERGEANT, I'M SAM SEABORN

THE DEPUTY WHITE HOUSE
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.

THAT'S MY BOSS,
TOBY ZIEGLER.

I'M NOT REALLY IN THE MOOD
FOR A JOKE RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

YOU HAVE ROBERTO MENDOZA
LOCKED UP BACK THERE.

SIR, PLEASE STATE
YOUR BUSINESS HERE

OR I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE.

MY BUSINESS IS TO TELL YOU

TO UNLOCK THE CELL
AND GIVE ME MENDOZA.

SERGEANT...
YOU COME IN HERE,
10:00 AT NIGHT

YOU TELL ME YOU'RE
WITH THE WHITE HOUSE

AND I'M SUPPOSED TO JUST...

SERGEANT.

SERGEANT, YOU'VE ARRESTED
A FEDERAL JUDGE

WHO'S THE PRESIDENT'S NOMINEE
FOR THE U.S. SUPREME COURT.

( phone ringing )

YOU SHOULD GET THAT.

THAT'S GOING TO BE
THE GOVERNOR OF CONNECTICUT.

DANNY CONCANON HAD THROWN ME
A KNUCKLEBALL IN THE DIRT

WHICH THEN I HAD TAKEN
A BIG SWING AT

AND, JUST LIKE THAT,
THE PRESIDENT HAD A SECRET PLAN

TO FIGHT INFLATION.

JOSH?
JOSH?
JOSH?

WHEN WILL THE PRESIDENT UNVEIL
HIS SECRET PLAN?

THERE IS NO SECRET PLAN.

I WAS TALKING TO DANNY;
I WAS KIDDING.

THESE ARE PEOPLE'S JOBS
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, JOSH.

YOU WANT TO GIVE US
A STRAIGHT ANSWER?

I-I HONESTLY CAN'T REMEMBER
THE QUESTION.

Reporter:
Given the reduction
in unemployment

does the President have a plan
to fight

THE ENSUING INFLATION?

AND IF SO,
WHY IS HE KEEPING IT A SECRET?

OH, MY GOD, JOSH!

I MEAN, OH, MY GOD.

I CAN FIX THIS.
HOW?

I CAN FIX THIS.
I DON'T THINK YOU CAN.

THIS WOULD BE A
GREAT TIME TO FEEL

A LITTLE SUPPORT
FROM YOU, DONNA.

YOU HAVE MY SUPPORT, JOSH.

DO I?
YES.

GOOD. THAT'S A START.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK
I SHOULD DO RIGHT NOW.

COME UP WITH A SECRET PLAN
TO FIGHT INFLATION.

THAT'S SUPPORT?!

JOSHUA!

YEAH, THAT'S THE FACE
I WANTED TO SEE RIGHT NOW.

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
IN THERE?!

C.J...

( muffled ):
YOU COMPLETELY IMPWODED!

WHAT DID I DO?

YOU COMPLETELY
IMPLODED.

I WOULDN'T SAY COMPLETELY.

YOU WERE VAGUE.
YOU WERE HOSTILE.

YOU WERE BEWIGERENT.

Donna:
BELLIGERENT.

YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT IT'S GOING

TO TAKE FOR ME
TO FIX THIS?

I'M GOING TO FIX THIS.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.

YOU ARE NOT EVER ALLOWED
IN MY PRESSWOOM AGAIN.

DONNA, CALL TOBY'S OFFICE
AND SEE IF HE WAS WATCHING.

Toby: WHERE THE
HELL IS HE?!
NEVER MIND.

SUPPORT ME ON THIS.

NO.
THANKS.

HAVE YOU FALLEN
ON YOUR HEAD?
TOBY... LISTEN--

HAVE YOU HIT YOUR HEAD
ON SOMETHING HARD?

I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT THIS.

YOU DO?
YES.

OH. WELL, THEN I GUESS
THAT'S ALL THAT REALLY MATTERS.

THAT WAS SOME VERY GOOD
TELEVISION, JOSH

AND I THINK
FOUR NETWORK NEWS DIRECTORS

WILL BEAR ME OUT
ON THAT TONIGHT.

I REALLY THINK THIS ISN'T AS BAD

AS YOU'RE MAKING IT OUT TO BE.

A SECWET PLAN TO
FIGHT INFLATION?!

C.J., FOR A WHILE, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO WRITE IT DOWN.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

NO KIDDING.

IT'S NOT JOSH.

PRAISE GOD.

ALTHOUGH,
I GOT TO SAY

TELLING A REPORTER
HIS QUESTION IS STUPID

IS NOT LIKE A PAGE
OUT OF DALE CARNEGIE.

THANK YOU.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO LIKE IT.

THE ONLY THING THAT COULD MAKE
MY DAY WORSE IS IF

ROBERTO MENDOZA
GOT INVOLVED.

Josh:
ROBERTO MENDOZA IS
THE PRESIDENT'S NOMINEE

TO FILL CROUCH'S SEAT
ON THE SUPREME COURT.

THE PRESIDENT PUT TOBY ZIEGLER
IN CHARGE OF HIS CONFIRMATION

WHICH IS A HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.

A FAILED CONFIRMATION
FOR THE COURT

IS A BODY BLOW TO A PRESIDENCY.

BESIDES WHICH,
HE'S A BRILLIANT JURIST

AND WE BADLY WANT HIM
ON THE BENCH.

THE CONFIRMATION PROCESS
IS A TOUGH NEEDLE TO THREAD.

YOU GOT TO MAKE A LOT OF FRIENDS

AND SUPREME COURT NOMINEES DON'T
SPEAK BEFORE THEIR CONFIRMATION.

THEY LET THE WHITE HOUSE
SPEAK FOR THEM.

SOMETHING TOBY'S HAD A LITTLE
BIT OF TROUBLE

TEACHING ROBERTO MENDOZA.

HE SAID THE PRESIDENT WAS WRONG?

HE SAID
THE PWESIDENT
WAS WRONG

TO MAKE SECRETARY
O'WEARY APOLO...

WHAT THE HELL IS...

C.J. SAM,
TELL HIM.

HE SAID
THE PRESIDENT
WAS WRONG

TO MAKE SECRETARY
O'LEARY APOLOGIZE.

TO WHO?

TO WOODEN.

I'M SAYING WHOM
DID HE SAY IT TO?

CHICAGO TRIBUNE.

I THOUGHT HE'S ON VACATION
IN NOVA SCOTIA.

HE IS.

WHAT, THEY CALLED HIM
IN NOVA SCOTIA?

YEAH.

HOW THE HELL DID THEY
FIND HIM IN NOVA SCOTIA?

THEY HAVE TELEPHONES
IN NOVA SCOTIA, LEO.

IT'S NOT AMISH COUNTRY.

I REALLY THINK OF ALL THE PEOPLE
IN THIS BUILDING, JOSH

YOU WANT TO BE THE LAST PERSON
TO SPEAK RIGHT NOW.

YOU BET.

THE PWESIDENT NEEDS
TO BE BWIEFED

ON THE EVENTS OF THE DAY.

C.J., SO HELP ME, IF YOU USE
WORDS THE "PWESIDENT"

OR "BWIEFED" AGAIN...

THE PRESIDENT LANDS IN
NEW ORLEANS IN AN HOUR AND HALF.

THERE'LL BE NO PRESS
AT THE LABOR CONFERENCE.

WHEN HE'S DONE

HE'S GETTING RIGHT
BACK ON THE PLANE

AND COMING HOME.

WHEELS DOWN AT 3:00 A.M.
HE'LL BE IN RESIDENCE BY 3:30.

CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

WHAT?

A LOT OF THIS
IS OUR FAULT

AND THE PRESIDENT
PROBABLY ISN'T

GOING TO TAKE
THIS VERY WELL

AND WE JUST WANT
YOU TO KNOW

THAT WE WILL BE THERE
WITH IN YOU SPIRIT
TOMORROW MORNING.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE THERE WITH ME
IN EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE, JOSH.

YOU BET.

7:00 A.M.

Josh:
IF YOU READ THE PAPERS

YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS
NOT THE FIRST TIME

THIS HAD HAPPENED.

IN THE EIGHT WEEKS SINCE
THE PRESIDENT NAMED HIS NOMINEE

JUDGE MENDOZA HAS ON VARIOUS
OCCASIONS PUBLICLY CRITICIZED

THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION,
THE A.F.L.-C.I.O

AND THE NEW YORK
STATE LEGISLATURE--

THREE ORGANIZATIONS,
WITHOUT WHICH

THIS PRESIDENT WOULD NOT HAVE
BEEN ELECTED.

PUTTING OUT THE DEBRA O'LEARY
FIRE FROM EARLIER IN THE DAY

HAD BEEN THEN THE ONLY THING
WE'VE BEEN SUCCESSFUL AT

AND NOW JUDGE MENDOZA HAD...

( phone ringing )
STARTED UP AGAIN.

I-I'M REALLY VERY SORRY,
BUT I HAVE TO TAKE THIS.

YEAH.

Sam:
Josh.

YEAH.

WE'RE IN.

Where is he?

TOBY'S TALKING TO HIM NOW.

HELLO, MR. JUSTICE.

HOW ARE YOU?

INCARCERATED, TOBY.

HOW ARE YOU?

DO YOU NEED ANYTHING,
MR. ZIEGLER?

NO.

THE JUDGE AND I
ARE GOING TO HAVE A CHAT.

IS THE PRESIDENT.

THE SECOND HARDEST JOB
IS NOT CHIEF OF STAFF

IT'S NOT NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR

AND IT'S NOT PRESS SECRETARY

ALTHOUGH I'M GAINING
A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF RESPECT

FOR PRESS SECRETARIES.

THE SECOND HARDEST JOB
IN THE WHITE HOUSE

BELONGS TO A 21-YEAR-OLD KID
NAMED CHARLIE YOUNG.

HE'S WHAT'S CALLED
THE PRESIDENT'S "BODY MAN"

HIS PERSONAL AIDE.

HE'S WITH THE PRESIDENT
MORNING TO NIGHT.

HE HAS A RANGE
OF RESPONSIBILITIES

ALL OF THEM DIFFICULT

BUT THE ONE
HE HATES MOST IS THIS:

FROM TIME TO TIME,
IT IS HIS JOB

TO WAKE THE PRESIDENT UP
IN THE MORNING

AND ON THIS PARTICULAR MORNING

THE PRESIDENT HAD GONE TO SLEEP
ONLY THREE HOURS EARLIER.

GOOD MORNING, HELEN.
IT'S CHARLIE.

THE PRESIDENT DID VERY WELL.

SINCE WHEN?

GOOD ONE, HELEN.

IT'S TIME FOR THE PRESIDENT'S
WAKE-UP CALL.

( phone ringing )

WHAT?

GOOD MORNING, MR. PRESIDENT.
IT'S CHARLIE.

I HOPE...

I MEAN, WHAT COULD YOU
POSSIBLY WANT RIGHT NOW?

SIR, IT'S 6:30 A.M., AND...

IN THE MORNING?

YES, SIR, AND I WANTED
TO REMIND YOU THAT...

WHAT IN THE NAME
OF EVERYTHING HOLY

COULD YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?

I WANTED TO REMIND YOU THAT
YOU HAVE A 7:00 A.M. MEETING

AT THE OVAL OFFICE
WITH SENIOR STAFF

FOLLOWED BY YOUR SECURITY
AND INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS

AND A MEETING WITH THE CHAIRMAN
OF THE FED.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO HAVE THE STEWARDS

BRING SOME COFFEE
AND THE WASHINGTON POST?

WHO THE HELL IS THIS?

Sir...

AND WHAT COULD YOU
POSSIBLY WANT?

SIR, I NEED YOU TO DIG IN NOW.

IT WASN'T A NIGHTMARE.

YOU REALLY ARE THE PRESIDENT.

All right.

I'LL HAVE THE STEWARD

BRING COFFEE TO YOUR ROOM.

I'LL GET UP NOW.

MENDOZA WAS SUMMONED
TO THE WHITE HOUSE

FROM HIS VACATION
IN NOVA SCOTIA.

WHEN YOU SUMMON SOMEONE
TO THE WHITE HOUSE

YOU GENERALLY EXPECT TO SEE THEM
WITHIN THE HOUR.

JUDGE MENDOZA TOLD US THAT
HE WOULD SEE US IN THREE DAYS.

WHY THREE DAYS?

BECAUSE HE WAS DRIVING
DOWN TO D.C.

STOPPING IN CONNECTICUT
TO DO SOME ANTIQUING.

YET ANOTHER THING
WE'D HAVE TO TELL THE PRESIDENT

WHO, BY THE WAY,
HAD STILL NOT WOKEN UP.

CHARLIE...

OH, COME ON.

I'VE BEEN KNOCKING
EVERY FEW MINUTES OR SO

AND I DON'T
HEAR THE SHOWER
RUNNING, EITHER.

THANKS, BILLY.
GIVE ME A MINUTE,
WOULD YOU?

YOU BET.

MR. PRESIDENT?

MR. PRESIDENT.

MR. PRESIDENT.

CHARLIE, ARE YOU AWARE

YOU'RE COMMITTING
A FEDERAL CRIME RIGHT NOW?

I'LL TAKE MY CHANCES
WITH THE FEDS, MR. PRESIDENT.

IT'S 7:00.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THE FIRST LADY

WASN'T GOING TO BE NAKED
WHEN YOU CAME IN HERE?

COME TO THINK OF IT,
WHERE THE HELL IS MY WIFE?

ARGENTINA.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SENIOR STAFF IN
THE OVAL OFFICE, SIR

SO I'M GOING
TO STAND HERE

TILL YOU GET
OUT OF BED

TAKE A SHOWER
AND GET DRESSED.

ALL RIGHT.

( sighing )

HAVE YOU SLEPT YET?

NO, SIR.

GOOD.

HOW'S YOUR MOUTH?

WELL...

THE SWELLING'S
GONE DOWN.

ON THE OTHER HAND,
THE PAINKILLERS
HAVE WORN OFF.

HE'S DRIVING FROM NOVA SCOTIA
TO WASHINGTON.

YEAH.

HOW'S A PERSON
DO THAT?

MY GUESS IS, HE'LL TAKE
THE TRANS-CANADA HIGHWAY
TO NEW BRUNSWICK

THEN MAYBE CATCH THE ONE
AND TAKE THE SCENIC ROUTE

ALONG THE COAST
TO MAINE.

95 THROUGH NEW HAMPSHIRE
TO THE MASS PIKE

AND THEN CUT OVER

TO THE MERRIT PARKWAY
AROUND MILFORD.

SOMETHING REALLY
KIND OF FREAKISH

ABOUT YOU,
YOU KNOW THAT?

YEAH.

I'M TIRED, I'M CRANKY,
AND MY WIFE'S IN ARGENTINA.

LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

WHAT?

MR. PRESIDENT

WE EXPERIENCED
A FEW PUBLIC RELATIONS...

WHAT'S THE WORD?

CATASTROPHES.

INCIDENTS, IN THE FEW HOURS
YOU WERE AWAY LAST NIGHT.

WHAT KIND OF INCIDENTS?

JOSH?

YEAH. UH...

FIRST, I'M HAPPY TO TELL YOU
THAT THE INCIDENT

INVOLVING SECRETARY O'LEARY
AND CONGRESSMAN WOODEN

HAS BEEN DISPENSED WITH...

THOUGH, NOT REALLY,
AND I'LL GET TO THAT AT THE END.

SAM ASKED C.J.

TO MOVE THE BRIEFING
TO 2:00

SO THAT WE COULD
FOLD IN THE TEACHERS.

C.J. HAD EMERGENCY

ROOT CANAL SURGERY AT NOON
AND SO WAS UNABLE TO BRIEF.

WHO DID?

I DID.

OH, GOD.

YEAH. UH, LONG STORY SHORT--

YOU'RE GOING TO BE READING
A BIT TODAY

ABOUT YOUR SECRET PLAN
TO FIGHT INFLATION.

I HAVE A SECRET PLAN
TO FIGHT INFLATION?

NO.

WHY AM I GOING TO BE
READING THAT I DO?

IT WAS SUGGESTED
IN THE PRESSROOM THAT YOU DID.

BY WHO?

BY ME.

YOU TOLD THE PRESS

I HAVE A SECRET PLAN
TO FIGHT INFLATION?

NO, I DID NOT.

LET ME BE ABSOLUTELY CLEAR,
I DID NOT DO THAT.

EXCEPT, YES, I DID THAT.

JOSH, I'M A
LITTLE CONFUSED.

SIR, THERE WAS
THIS IDIOTIC ROUND ROBIN.

IT WAS SARCASTIC.

THERE'S NO WAY
THEY DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

THEY WERE JUST MAD AT ME
FOR IMPOSING DISCIPLINE

AND CALLING THEM STUPID.

OKAY, BEFORE WE GO ON

C.J., IF BLOOD IS GUSHING

FROM THE HEAD WOUND
YOU JUST RECEIVED

FROM A STAMPEDING HERD OF BISON,
YOU'LL DO THE PRESS BRIEFING.

YES, SIR.

Josh:
MR. PRESIDENT...

A SECRET PLAN
TO FIGHT INFLATION?

THERE WAS NO TURNING THEM BACK.

I DENIED IT.
THEY WOULDN'T TAKE NO.

WERE YOU CLEAR?

I WAS CRYSTAL CLEAR.

THEY SAID, "DO YOU THINK

"IF THE PRESIDENT
HAS A PLAN TO FIGHT INFLATION

IT'S RIGHT
THAT HE KEEP IT A SECRET?"

I SAID, "OF COURSE NOT."

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT NOT ONLY DID YOU INVENT
A SECRET PLAN TO FIGHT INFLATION

BUT NOW YOU DON'T
SUPPORT IT?

WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT...

MR. PRESIDENT...

MUCH AS WE'D LOVE

NOTHING MORE THAN TO STAND HERE
AND WATCH YOU

BEAT THE LIVING CRAP
OUT OF JOSH

THERE'S ACTUALLY
A BIGGER FISH TO FRY.

WHAT DID MENDOZA DO?

HE TOLD THE CHICAGO TRIBUNE

THAT YOU WERE WRONG
TO ADMONISH DEBBIE O'LEARY

AND MAKE HER APOLOGIZE.

I DIDN'T. HE DID.

YOU TOLD ME TO.

YOU SAID YOU'D FIX IT.

I DID FIX IT.

WELL, IT'S BROKEN AGAIN, LEO.

FRANKLY, SIR
THAT'S 'CAUSE YOUR NOMINEE

FOR THE SUPREME COURT'S
HANDLING HIMSELF

IN A MANNER
THAT'S TOTALLY UNPROFESSIONAL.

WE WILL HAVE THE FIRST
OF WHAT I THINK

WILL BE A SERIES OF DISCUSSION

ABOUT PROFESSIONALISM
ANOTHER TIME, TOBY.

WHERE IS MENDOZA?

HE'S ON HIS WAY,
SIR.

RIGHT NOW?

BUT HE WON'T BE HERE
UNTIL DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

DAY AFTER TOMORROW?
YES, SIR.

IS HE COMING IN FROM NEPTUNE?

HE'S VACATIONING
WITH HIS WIFE AND SON

AND THEY'D PREFER
TO TAKE A LEISURELY DRIVE

THROUGH EASTERN CANADA
AND NEW ENGLAND

WHILE STOPPING FOR ANTIQUE
SHOPPING IN CONNECTICUT.

I IMAGINE HE'LL TAKE

THE TRANS-CANADA
HIGHWAY TO 95...

SAM.

OKAY, WE WILL WAIT
FOR MENDOZA.

IN THE MEANTIME, C.J., YOU WILL
UNTANGLE THE PRESS CORPS.

YES, SIR.

AND WE WILL HOPE
THAT NOTHING HAPPENS TODAY

TO MAKE THIS ANY WORSE.

ALTHOUGH I CERTAINLY
WOULDN'T BET THE HOUSE ON IT.

THAT IS ALL.

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

SIR, I WANT TO TELL YOU
THAT I'M SORRY

AND THAT THIS MESS
WILL BE CLEANED UP

IN AN ADULT
AND PROFESSIONAL MANNER.

GOOD.

IF ANYONE ASKS YOU,
YOU QUIT SMOKING YEARS AGO

AND THE CIGARETTE YOU BUMMED
ON AIR FORCE ONE

WAS FOR A FRIEND.

GET OUT.

YOU BET.

AND THAT WAS IT.

WHAT HAPPENED
TO JUDGE MENDOZA?

I'M SORRY?

DID HE EVER GET HERE
FROM NOVA SCOTIA?

ACTUALLY, HE'S ON HIS WAY
RIGHT NOW.

HE'S SPENDING THE NIGHT
IN CONNECTICUT

TO DO SOME ANTIQUING.

HE'S BEEN IN THERE
A LITTLE WHILE NOW.

YEAH.

I'M THE ONE THAT PULLED HIM
OVER, YOU KNOW.

HIS DRIVING WAS ERRATIC.

I'M STILL NOT ENTIRELY CONVINCED
HE HADN'T BEEN DRINKING.

WELL, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM THERE.

WHAT'S THAT?

JUDGE MENDOZA HAS CHRONIC
PERSISTENT HEPATITIS

WHICH IS A NON-PROGRESSIVE FORM
OF LIVER INFLAMMATION.

IF HE'D HAD ENOUGH TO DRINK

TO BLOW A .1
ON THE BLOOD ALCOHOL

HE'D BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.

( slurping )

IT'S GOOD COFFEE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE
THE BREATHALYZER?

BECAUSE I WAS DRIVING
WITHIN THE SPEED LIMIT.

I WAS DRIVING
ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE ROAD.

I HAVE VALID TAGS
AND REGISTRATION

AND AS FAR AS I KNOW,
I DON'T HAVE ANY WARRANTS

FOR MY ARREST IN CONNECTICUT.

JUDGE?

ABSENT.

JUST CAUSE, TOBY.

BREATHALYZER'S AN ILLEGAL SEARCH
AND A CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATION.

SO YOU GAVE BARNEY FIFE
A HARD TIME TO MAKE A POINT.

A POINT WORTH MAKING.

NOT NOW.

YES, NOW. RIGHT NOW.

ONE PHONE CALL, JUDGE.

TOBY, THIS HAS HAPPENED.

TELL THEM, "MY NAME'S
ROBERTO MENDOZA

AND THE PRESIDENT'S
NAMED ME TO THE BENCH."

THEY PULLED ME OVER

BECAUSE I LOOK LIKE MY NAME
IS ROBERTO MENDOZA

AND I'M COMING
TO ROB YOUR HOUSE.

LET'S GO.

WHERE ARE
WE GOING?

HOME. LET'S GO HOME.

I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE.

JUDGE?

I'M UNDER ARREST, TOBY.

NOT ANYMORE. LET'S GO.

YOU PULL ALL
THE STRINGS

YOU WANT, TOBY

BUT NOT FOR ME.

COME MONDAY,
I'M GOING TO AVAIL MYSELF

OF THE CRIMINAL JUSTICE SYSTEM

FOR WHICH I HAVE WORKED
MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE.

JUDGE, DUE RESPECT,
GET YOUR THINGS AND LET'S GO.

MY KID WAS IN THAT CAR.

THEY PATTED ME DOWN

AND THEY HANDCUFFED ME

IN FRONT OF MY
NINE-YEAR-OLD BOY.

THEN HE AND HIS MOTHER
GOT TO SEE THEM PUT ME

IN A SQUAD CAR
AND DRIVE AWAY.

HE'S ALSO SEEN YOU
WEARING A ROBE

WITH A GAVEL IN YOUR HAND.

HE DOES NOT
UNDERSTAND THAT.

HE DOESN'T KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.

HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT
THE POLICE ARE

BECAUSE HE WATCHES
TELEVISION.

THAT'S WHAT HE'S
GOING TO REMEMBER--

HIS FATHER
BEING HANDCUFFED.

SO AMERICA JUST GOT

ANOTHER PISSED-OFF GUY
WITH DARK SKIN.

ROBBIE AND LAURA,
WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW?

MOTEL, A FEW MILES.

THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT THIS
THAT DOESN'T STINK.

IF IT WERE ME,
I'D WANT TO EXTRACT VENGEANCE

AND I'D SAY,
"LET JUSTICE BE DONE."

I'D ALSO WANT TO SPEND
SOME TIME IN A DARK ROOM ALONE

SO THAT I DIDN'T HAVE
TO FACE MY WIFE AND MY SON

AND HAVE THEM SEE
MY HUMILIATION.

ROB, I CAN'T GET THIS DONE
IF THIS IS THE STORY.

CAN'T GET IT DONE.

NOTHING ABOUT THIS
THAT DOESN'T STINK.

NOTHING ABOUT IT
THAT WOULDN'T BE BETTER

IF YOU WERE
A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE.

LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE MOTEL.

GO SEE YOUR BOY.

SO, CAN I ASK

A GUY IN YOUR JOB:

DO YOU KNOW MISSILE CODES
AND THAT SORT OF THING?

YEAH.

OUTSTANDING.

GOOD EVENING, MR. JUSTICE.

GOOD EVENING, SAM.

HE'S GOT PERSONAL ITEMS?

YES, SIR.

IT'S YOUR LUCKY NIGHT,
OFFICERS.

THERE ISN'T GOING
TO BE A REPORT.

THERE ISN'T GOING
TO BE AN INVESTIGATION.

NO ONE'S GETTING SUSPENDED.

AND NO ONE'S FILING

A HUNDRED-MILLION-DOLLAR LAWSUIT
AGAINST THE COUNTY

THAT THEY WOULD
ALMOST SURELY WIN.

BUT IN THIS ROOM, YOU'RE GOING
TO APOLOGIZE TO MR. MENDOZA.

AND THEN YOU'RE GOING
TO GET IN YOUR SQUAD CAR

YOU'RE GOING TO FOLLOW US

AND YOU'RE TO APOLOGIZE
TO HIS SON.

JUDGE MENDOZA...

WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZE
FOR OUR MISTAKE.

THANK YOU.

LET'S GO.

I ALSO GOT TO SAY
YOU GUYS COULD DO A BETTER JOB

OF MARKING THE EXITS
ON THE THROUGHWAY.

LET'S GO.

WE'LL BE BEHIND YOU.

YOU KNOW, TOBY,
IF THERE'S NO REASON

FOR YOU GUYS
TO GO BACK TO WASHINGTON.

YOU SHOULD SPEND
THE NIGHT HERE.

WHAT'S UP HERE?

GREAT ANTIQUING.

KILLING ME, JUDGE.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
KILLING ME.

JOSH.

IT'S OVER.

YEAH.

GOOD.

( sighing )

THAT'S THE LAST TIME
THE PHONE WILL RING.

I PROMISE.

JOSH...

THERE'S A PART OF THE STORY
I DIDN'T TELL YOU.

( laughs )

I CAN'T.

TRUST ME, IT DOESN'T INVOLVE...

I-I JUST CAN'T RIGHT NOW.

ASK ME BACK AGAIN

AFTER THE SENATE
CONFIRMS MENDOZA.

YOU REALLY SHOULD HEAR IT.

IT'S A GOOD STORY.

WHY DON'T WE TAKE
SOME QUESTIONS.

YEAH.