All language subtitles for Brooklyn.Nine-Nine.S08E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

.

[funky music]

- Hey, you guys got a sec?

I need to talk to you
about something.

- Whatever it is can wait,
Rosie.

You're gonna want to see this.

Question: what is
the number one problem

with the coronavirus?

- Mass death,
economic collapse,

the way the disease has exposed
the systemic injustice

at the core of American life.

- Well, yes, obviously those,
but after that,

it's how
to high-five your friends

while staying six feet apart.

But now the world can stop
their worrying

because we have created
the COVID five.

With this machine,
you can execute

any high five
your heart desires.

There's the classic.

Slip me some skin.
- [giggles]

- Sprinkle me. Sprinkle me.
- Sprinkle.

- Sprinkle me.
- Sprinkle.

- The Vulcan scissor.

That's a bad one.
- Yeah.

- And of course,
the need for speed.

both: Whoo!

- Wow.
That was impressively stupid.

- I know, right?

So what was it
you wanted to tell me?

- Just wanted to say goodbye.

I turned in my resignation.
I quit the force.

- What?
- Oh!

- Oh!

[screams]

[electricity crackling]

[explosion]

[power whirs down,
alarm blaring]

- Dude, that was by far
the best five.

- You're quitting?

[upbeat music]

♪

- To Sergeant Santiago.

You were on maternity leave
longer than expected

because of the pandemic,

but now that all
first responders

have been vaccinated,

you've returned.

Cheers.
all: Cheers.

- Not exactly an emotional
welcome back--are you crying?

- Oh, he just always knows
exactly what to say.

- She's consistent.

- So, guys, tell me everything
that happened while I was gone.

- Well, as you know,
Hitchcock retired

the very first second
he could.

- That's right.

I couldn't wait
to get out of there.

- Why are you always with us
on FaceTime?

- Because I miss Scully.

- He's more present
than when he worked here.

It's been a terrible year.
- True.

But you know
what was rougher?

The hundreds of years
of oppression

experienced by Black people
in this country,

oppression they still
experience to this day.

- Why does Charles sound
like a podcast?

- Oh, because I'm listening
to one right now.

It's called
"Two Wrongs Makes a White:

Lessons in Anti-Racism."

- Yeah, you're lucky
you weren't here on Juneteenth.

♪

What the hell?

He went full Schumer.

- Cultural appropriation, Amy.

She'll figure it out.
- You're the one who did it.

- Mm-hmm.
- So where's Rosa?

Thought she'd be here by now.

- I'm telling you,
she's not coming.

Ever since she quit the force,

she thinks we're just part
of the problem.

- Oh, she never said that.

She quit after George Floyd
was killed

because she thought
that she could do more good

by becoming a PI that helps
victims of police brutality.

That has nothing
to do with us.

- Then how come we haven't
hung out at all since she quit?

- Setting up a new business
takes time.

She's probably too busy
to see friends.

- And yet I have time
to see my friends

and be a father and do my job
and straight-up crush it

at "Goat Simulator"
on my Switch.

- That's not something
to be proud of.

- Being a father is not
something to be proud of, Ames?

Wow. You've changed, dude.

Look, all I'm saying is,
I promise you

she is not gonna
show up tonight.

And if she does, I'll give
each of you $1,000 cash.

That's a promise.
- Hey, everybody.

- Jake's word is not
legally binding.

Any promise of cash reward
is, of course,

understood as hyperbole.

Rosa! I knew you'd make it.

♪

'Sup, my guy?

- What?
- Sorry. It's been a while.

I forgot how we used
to greet each other.

Anyway, how's the cool
new PI gig going?

- Eh, it's not that cool.
I have a desk at a WeWork

that I share
with a Twitter comedian.

- Oh, fun.
- But I'm getting more clients.

I just got a new job
this morning.

A woman was assaulted
by two police officers

in the Seven-Four.

- Oh. Well, that's horrible.

Wait, the Seven-Four.
I know the captain there.

She was my sergeant before
I transferred to the Nine-Nine.

I could talk to her.
She can help.

- Nah, I doubt that.

- You know, the system
can still work sometimes

when good people are involved.

- Is that why you want to help,

so you can make some point
about policing?

- No. I'm not some point maker,
shot taker,

making girls hot like oats
with Quaker.

- Hey, man, you're rapping.

- Yeah, I had to see
where it was going.

Look, I just want to help out.

Plus, it might be fun
to work together again.

I miss seeing you.
- Hmm. Okay.

I'm meeting my client tomorrow.
I'll text you the details.

- Yes. Jake and Rosa are back!

[rattling]

- You okay?

Your leg shake is rattling
the windows out there.

- I'm stressed.
It's Captain Holt.

You won't believe
what he said to me.

- Hello, Santiago.
How's your lunch?

- Pretty bad, right?

- That he politely asked you
about your lunch?

- It was small talk.

Captain Holt always says

that true friends
sit in silence.

Small talk is for...

both:
Strangers and con men.

- So I'm a stranger now.

This is my big fear
about having a child,

losing my spark with my boss.

- Amy, he's your captain.

You act like it's some
romantic relationship.

- You know what, Terry?
You're right.

It is like
a romantic relationship.

- That's what you got
from what I said?

- Do you still have
that relationship book

from when you and Sharon
were having issues?

- That book was about sex.
And it's actually Scully's.

But I bet Scully also ordered
some relationship books

when Scully got himself
that sex book for Scully.

- Just own the sex book thing.
- You want my help or not?

- Fine. Can you please
get Scully's relationship book

that is obviously not yours?

- Weird that you're asking me
to do it, but okay.

I'll see what I can do.

- Hey, my client's
in the conference room,

but before we go in there,

it wasn't easy getting her
to agree to talk with a cop,

so don't be too cop-ish.
Just be normal.

- Got it, normal,
not too cop-ish.

Won't be a problem.

[as Mrs. Doubtfire]
Helloooo!

- Yeah, this is not gonna work.

- [normally] Sorry, you just
gave me too many notes.

I got in my head.
Let me start over, please.

Ms. Fulton, hello.
I'm Detective Peralta.

I know you're nervous
about talking to a cop,

which I totally get,
but rest assured,

I'm one of the good ones.

And I know how that sounds,

but I'm not one of the bad ones

who says they're one
of the good ones.

I'm actually
one of the good ones

who says they're one
of the good ones.

And I know how that sounds--

- Does he just keep going

until someone stops him?
both: Yes.

- Would you mind telling us
what happened

from the beginning?
- Sure.

I was walking home
from the pharmacy

when two uniformed cops
stopped me

and asked me
what was in my bag.

I said nothing,
just some personal items.

But then they kept
bothering me, saying,

well, if it's nothing,

I should have no problem
with showing them.

But in my mind
I'm like,

why do I need
to show them my new loofah?

- You don't. It's your loofah.

- Thank you, Ms. Diaz.
It is my loofah.

Anyways,
I said I wanted to go home,

so I tried to walk past them,
and they grabbed me.

Suddenly, I'm thrown
on the ground

and they're yelling at me
to stop resisting,

which I wasn't.

I was just scared.

Then they threw me
up against the squad car,

saying they was arresting me
for assaulting them.

I'm the one
who got the black eye

and bruises all over my body,

but somehow I assaulted them?

- Do you remember
what time of day it was?

- 5:45, 6:00.

- So right at the end
of a shift.

- Which means?
- Some officers

like to make arrests
at the end of their shift

so they can work later
and get extra overtime.

- That is so wrong.
- It is.

But I promise you,
we are gonna get you justice.

- Yeah, we'll see.

- Hey, did you find the book?

- Scully's book.

- Wow. Someone's in a mood.

- I went to my barbershop
to get a quick cleanup,

and Boyle was there.

- Yeah, got a low-drop fade
with a crisp lining.

I'm all about supporting
Black businesses.

- Right.

- Oh, are you upset
about something, Lieutenant?

- It's just that the barbershop
is my therapy.

- Mm.

- It's where I go
to clear my mind.

And that's hard to do
with you there.

- Mm.
- Stop mm-ing me!

- It's my listening noise.

- Listening doesn't
require noise!

- So I reviewed
the Aisha Fulton case,

and it is definitely
problematic.

The arresting officers have had
several complaints before.

And their version of events
is only two sentences long.

- Suspect had suspicious item.
Scary.

- It's clearly bogus,

but an officer
did break one of his fingers.

- Probably from tackling her
to the ground.

- Yeah, or from pointing it
so hard

at everyone but himself.

[sighs]

- Who are you
performing this for, Jake?

- Both of you guys.

- Look, I want to help,
but the problem is,

we have no proof
of what really happened.

- Let me guess,
their body cam footage

was mysteriously corrupted.

- Yeah, they probably
tampered with it,

but between us,
there was a rookie there,

Janice Lee.

If you can get her to confirm
your client's story,

I can help you.

Here's her address.
- Great.

See, Rosa,
this couldn't be any easier.

- Frank O'Sullivan,
head of the Patrolmen's Union,

and there is no way
on God's green earth

that you're ever talking to
anyone involved in this case.

- I mean...I guess it could be
a little easier.

.

- Why are you here, O'Sullivan?
- Officer Lee called me,

and I'm here to stop
your heartless crusade

against our heroes in blue,

but to be clear, all I want
is to keep our city safe

and then to go home
to my ma at night.

- You live with your mom?

- My ma lives with me...
in her house.

Do you have something
against my ma?

Because I'll be honest
with you,

there's only three things that
I love in this whole world:

my ma, the NYPD,
and Billy Joel.

And right now,
you're assaulting

two of those three things.

- Wow. So Billy Joel
made your top three?

- And now you've assaulted
all three.

- Can we please just talk
to Officer Lee?

- Look, these are nice boys
that you're going after.

All the perp had to do was
show them what was in the bag,

but no, no,
she had to escalate things.

A finger was broken.

Do you understand that if
anyone else was being treated

the way our brave officers
are being treated,

there'd be marching
in the street,

which I would oppose,
by the way,

because marching leads
to rioting,

and rioting leads to looting.

- Okay, this doesn't seem like
it's gonna be a short rant.

- Yeah, we're gonna head out.

[funky music]

- Hello, Captain.

It's so good to see you...

so, so good.

- What's with
the bizarre eye contact

and the weird way
you're talking, Santiago?

Did you join a cult?

- What? No.
- Are you sure?

Most cult members don't realize
they're part of a cult.

- I'm not in a cult.

I was trying
to connect with you.

It's a method
from this book.

- Oh, is that one
of Terry's sex books?

- You mean one
of Scully's sex books.

- Ever since I came back,
you've been acting distant.

What happened to Raymy?
- Raymy?

- Ray and Amy, Raymy.
It's what people call us.

- I don't know a single person
who's ever called us that.

- Regardless, something
is very wrong between us.

You made small talk
with me yesterday.

- Oh...you noticed that.

- Of course I did.

It was like a knife
to my heart,

which is why we have to do
the exercises in this book.

Please, sir? Please?

- If I agree,
will you go back to work?

- Absolutely.

- Fine.
What's the next exercise?

- It is...

way too sexual.
- Wow.

- We're gonna have
to skip around a bit

to make this appropriate
for work.

- Something seemed off to me
in O'Sullivan's rant.

- How red he got?

Yeah, he looked like a candied
apple with a widow's peak.

- No, he said all the perp
needed to do

was show them
what was in her bag,

but that wasn't
in the police report

and Lamazar didn't know that,
so how did he?

I think O'Sullivan
watched the body cam recording

before it was corrupted,

which means he might have
the original footage,

which means if we want proof,

we need to break
into the union and get it.

- That's a lot of ifs.

And besides, we can't
break into the union.

They'd recognize us.
- No way.

Just put on a big dumb watch,
some Oakleys,

and a camo baseball cap.
You'll fit right in.

- Okay, look,
as much as I would love

to take on the character
of Mitchell Keith Erikkson

from Toms River, New Jersey,
I can't do it.

- Why not?
You already named him.

- He named himself.

But I don't have a warrant,

and you could be arrested
for breaking and entering.

No, I think we should
knock on doors

and try and find a witness
to corroborate the story.

- You sure about that?

Have you talked to the people
of New York lately?

- Yes, I know what you think.

And obviously
things are a bit tense,

but I believe that people
still understand

that we're here to help.

- Nope.

- Yeah, I saw something.

It looked kind of like this.

- I don't talk to pigs.

- Copy that.

- Hey, Charles.

I just got a random
Venmo payment from you.

Was this an accident?

- No, it was the only way
I could express how sorry I am

for what you've had
to go through.

Consider it a mini reparation.

- Mini? I wouldn't say
$10,000 is mini.

- $10,000!

- Yeah, when I saw
that you sent it,

I was like, this must
have been an accident,

like you meant to send $100

and then thought you needed
to add the cents too

and then accidentally
added two zeros.

- That's a pretty good guess

as to what could have
happened...but didn't.

Because I meant
every last zero.

- I'm sure you did.
Thanks, Charles.

- You got it.

- Wow, Charles,
that was so nice of you.

- It was obviously
a mistake, Scully!

- How many more of these
are we gonna do

till you realize
it's pointless?

- Well, I don't think
it's pointless.

That's what I've been
trying to prove to you.

- Wait, I thought you said

you weren't trying
to prove a point.

- Well, yeah, but I mean,
I kind of had to say that

so you'd let me work with you
and I could make my point.

- See, this is why
we don't hang out anymore,

because you're always
so defensive.

- Well, it's kind of hard
not to be

when you think
I'm a bad person now.

- I never said that.
- You didn't have to.

Rosa, we came up together.

We went to the academy
together.

We've had
the exact same career.

All we ever wanted
was to be detectives.

And yes, we've always known
there were problems,

but we would solve them
together from the inside.

So when you quit, yeah,
it made me feel

like you thought
I was wrong for staying.

- Jake, my choice has nothing
to do with you.

It was the hardest thing
I've ever done.

I gave up my career,
my friends, my whole life,

but I did it

because I couldn't ignore
what I was a part of anymore,

couldn't ignore what the police
are doing in my community

to people who look like me.

- I know, but not all of them,
not me.

- This isn't about you.

And this case
where a Black woman

was assaulted by the police

has nothing to do
with you either.

So if you're not here to help,

if you're just here
to prove a point, then,

man, I don't think we should
work together anymore.

And I definitely
don't think we're friends.

.

- Scully, I need your help,
but you can't tell anybody

what I'm up to.
- Oh, not a problem.

I don't talk to anyone
but Hitchcock.

- And nobody where I am
even speaks English.

- Where are you?
- Brazil, baby!

I got conned by a cam girl,

but it turns out,
I love it here.

- Okay, look, you two
are always complaining

about work regulations,
so I'm guessing

you know your way
around the Patrolmen's Union.

I need your help to break in.
- You bet.

Those bastards are everything
that's wrong with policing.

- Their dress policy's insane.

You have to wear a shirt
at all times.

- Yuck!
Just tell me how I can get

to O'Sullivan's office
undetected.

- No problem.

He goes to lunch at 12:30,
so that's your window.

At 12:45,
the mail is delivered.

The guard at the desk always
flirts with the mail woman,

so he'll be distracted.

Then go down the main hall.
This is important.

It's your last bathroom stop
on the whole floor.

It's unisex and handicap,

so you get that bad boy
all to yourself.

- Tell her
about toilet paper.

- Stop talking about bathrooms.

- Fine. Pee your pants.
What do I care?

Go to the last office
on the right and you're there.

- Well, that background
is on brand.

- Yeah, Ma!
I got the tickets!

What do think?
Front row, Ma, Billy Joel.

You, me, and the poet
of Long Island.

Huh? No, I know.

- So it says to participate
in a new hobby

your partner
has expressed interest in.

Have you gotten into
anything new lately?

- I started performing
daily checks

of my blood-oxygen level
during COVID

because I feared for my life.

- Oh!

[device beeps]

- 98.
- 98.

- We did it.

We're back to being
Raymond-Amy.

- It's Raymy.

And you can't measure
our connection by blood levels.

Let's do another exercise.

- Regulations.

- Regulations.
- Regulations.

- Regulations.

- How much longer
do we have to do this?

- It was supposed to be
a meaningful word

to both of us,
but clearly that wasn't it.

Okay, now we're supposed
to tell each other

a secret no one else knows.

I'll go first.

I once had a sex dream
about Sanjay Gupta.

- This is absurd.
- I know.

And it was really graphic.

- No, these exercises.

We're not lovers.

We're not even friends.
We're coworkers.

I'm tired of Terry's
stupid book.

- Scully's book!

- I beg your pardon?

Did you just say
you want to bring Gary?

- I need to speak with
my union president immediately!

- Ma, I gotta call you
right back. Okay.

Could I help you out, sir?
- I certainly hope so, sir.

My name is
Mitchell Keith Erikkson,

and I've just been assaulted
based solely on profession.

- Oh, damn it to hell, son.

Tell me what happened.
- All right.

So I go to this phone store,
right, to get my screen fixed.

And they say, "Yeah,
no problem, 45 minutes."

So I wait, and I wait.

50 minutes go by!

Nobody helped me.

- It's despicable.
- So I go back

into the back room to complain,

and they're all just
sitting around

trash-talking Billy Joel!

- What?

- They said, "Piano Man"
is his only good tune!

- Well, now,
that's just insanity.

- Hey, Terry.

I have to come clean,

and please don't say anything
until I'm done,

not that I'm trying
to silence you.

I am listening.
- Just say it!

- The $10,000 was supposed
to be $100.

And I was too embarrassed
to ask for it back.

- Boyle, I need
to come clean too.

I knew you made a mistake.
- [sighs]

- I was just messing with you.
- You were?

- Obviously! [laughs]
- Okay.

- Look, Boyle, it's great that
you're trying to do better,

but the way you're doing it
is kind of messed up.

If you want to do something
about these issues,

you have to do it because
you think it's the right thing,

not because you want me
to know about it.

That just makes stuff
weird between us.

- You're right.

You're right.
I won't be as performative.

[phone whooshes]

I just donated
to a great charity,

but I won't tell you
which one or how much.

- Good for you.

- For Black trans women.
It was $1,000.

- Dear Lord. I got out
of there 45 minutes ago.

Why were you in there
so long?

- O'Sullivan
wouldn't let me leave

until he had explained to me
why reverse racism was worse

than, as he called it,
classic racism.

- How'd you know I'd be here?

- I bumped into Scully,
and he told me everything.

He was really worried

you weren't gonna
take his toilet advice.

- Well, thanks for saving me
in there.

- Yeah, of course.

You know I've always
got your back.

And I'm not trying
to make a point.

I'm just here to help.

- Well, you did,
'cause I got the footage.

- Oh, I'm gonna have
to delete this.

- [laughs]

Yeah.

Oh, wait,
you're not joking.

[gasps]
Oh, no. You're a villain!

.

- Why'd you delete it?

You said you'd help us
if we got proof.

- Yeah, but I didn't think
you'd get proof, get proof.

I thought you just,
you know, get proof.

There's proof
and there's proof.

You got the wrong kind
of proof.

I don't know how much clearer
I can be.

- So you were never
gonna help us?

- I am helping you.

I can still get the charges
against your client dropped.

Now that I saw that footage,

I'll get my officers
to revise their statements.

- And they'll be punished?

- No, there's no way
I can suspend them.

- Suspend?
I thought you would fire them.

- [snorts]

Oh, you're being serious now.

Huh, I guess jokes
aren't our thing.

Well, if I fired them,

it would trigger
the union's appeal process.

PBA's grievance proceedings
allow

for both unions
and individual officers

to challenge personnel actions
by superiors.

The complaint gets sent up
the chain of command

till they get someone
who sides with the officers.

And the courts
are a nightmare.

Prosecutors work closely
with cops.

They're not gonna jeopardize
their relationship

by pursuing cases
against them.

All the officer has to say
is he feared for his life,

and it gets thrown out.

- Look, we know all of this,

but that doesn't mean
you just give up.

- Okay, so say I don't give up
and I get the commissioner

to agree to fire the officers.

Do you know what happens next?

- They'd file a countersuit.
- Yes.

And the officers
get paid to stay at home.

Not to mention
qualified immunity.

And now the officers
are back on the street

and I am blackballed.

And then one of the only
female captains in the NYPD

is forced to quit.

And you don't want me gone.
I'm one of the good ones.

And I know how that sounds,
but I'm not one of the bad ones

who say they're one
of the good ones.

I'm one of the good ones
who say

they're one of the good ones.

- Yeah, I hear it, Rosa.
You can stop

staring daggers at me.
Let's just go.

[knock at door]
- Sir, do you have a minute?

I wanted to apologize.

Being back at work
has been...weird.

Rosa's gone,
and the world has changed.

And you were the one person

I thought I could count on
to be the same.

Always Holt.

I know I've been acting crazy,
and I'm sorry.

- Do you know why I engaged
in small talk with you earlier?

- Because small talk
is for strangers and con men,

and that's what I am
to you now, a stranger.

- No. I did it because...

I am a con man.

I was trying to con you

into believing
everything is normal with me

when...it is not.

Kevin and I have separated.

- [gasps]
Oh, my God.

Why?

- It's been a tough year
to be a Black man...

and a police captain...

and a human.

I've been pushed to the brink
emotionally and physically.

I went into survival mode,

and it seems I have...
neglected my personal life.

- [sighs]

Does anyone else know?
- Not here.

I have successfully
hidden it for months--

not very well, I might add.

I made small talk with Peralta
on five separate occasions,

and he never even
batted an eye.

He just blathered on about
someone named...Wario.

- Yeah, he does that.

- But you...[chuckles]

You noticed that something
was off with me

the very first day
you returned.

That just shows
how well you know me.

And while I'm not yet ready
to talk about it,

it's nice...

feeling like
I'm not alone anymore.

And that's thanks to you...

Raymy.

- Just so you know,
I am not Raymy.

We are Raymy.

- Just be glad I said it.
- Totally.

Yes, I am. Thank you, sir.

- So those cops are just gonna
keep walking the streets

doing this crap
with no consequences?

- I'm sorry. We really tried.

- I guess getting the charges
dropped was something,

so thanks...

to Rosa
because you're not a cop.

I'll hook you up
with those five stars on Yelp.

- [sighs]

That was rough.
- Yep.

- Hey, so look,

I'm really sorry
about everything.

I was projecting
my insecurities onto you,

and that was wrong.

And I like to think I've done
a lot of good as a detective

and that I can
continue to do that, but...

Maybe I am part of the problem.

Regardless, you're dealing
with things in your own way,

and I get that it's not on you

to make me feel okay
about my choices.

- Apology accepted.

And just because
our choices are different

doesn't mean we're not family.

- Like "The Fast
and the Furious."

- No.
- Right. No, not like that.

This is different, obviously.

The main point is,
you think I made

the right decision
staying on the force.

- [laughing] Jake!
- I know. I'm kidding.

I don't even care
what you think.

Your opinion is literally
meaningless to me, loser.

- Yeah, now you swung too far
in the opposite direction.

- I felt that.
It's a hard line to walk, so...

- [laughs]

- I'll work on it.

[sighs]

Yeah.

- Not a doctor.
Shh.