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1
00:00:28,988 --> 00:00:30,740
He was offensive.
2
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,742
He was obnoxious.
3
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,119
He was disgusting.
4
00:00:35,995 --> 00:00:37,330
Do you want me to go on?
5
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:44,337
Once he wanted me to approve a
contest, where he'd give a new toilet
6
00:00:44,921 --> 00:00:47,590
to the listener with the
largest bowel movement.
7
00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:50,801
On the air.
8
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,222
I mean, you can imagine
the logistics of that.
9
00:01:08,611 --> 00:01:11,781
HOWARD STERN: You know, when
I look back on this moment in my life,
10
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:14,200
I really wanted it to work.
11
00:01:15,201 --> 00:01:18,037
I wanted this to be the biggest
moment in the history of entertainment.
12
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,121
I'm not kidding.
13
00:01:19,789 --> 00:01:22,792
I wanted everyone to wake up
the next morning talking about me,
14
00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:24,168
Howard Stern.
15
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:28,547
That's the kind of thinking, though,
that usually gets me into trouble.
16
00:01:30,675 --> 00:01:32,861
JOHN STAMOS ON MIC: I'm
here to introduce the next presenter.
17
00:01:32,885 --> 00:01:36,180
Believe me, a lot of people refused
to introduce this guy, but I love him.
18
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:37,306
HOWARD: Is this safe?
19
00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:41,310
When you drop, don't spin
around or the wires get screwed up.
20
00:01:41,394 --> 00:01:42,395
(GASPS)
21
00:01:42,478 --> 00:01:45,356
JOHN: radio waves
high above America.
22
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:47,149
(CROWD CHEERS)
23
00:01:47,233 --> 00:01:48,526
JOHN: It's a bird!
24
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:52,113
- HOWARD: I'm making such a mistake.
- It's a plane!
25
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:55,908
No, it's Fartman!
26
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:01,289
HOWARD: Behold, I am Fartman!
27
00:02:01,372 --> 00:02:07,003
Behold the greatness that is
me, the mightiest of superheroes!
28
00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,964
My ass has power!
29
00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,967
Screw Superman, I am Fartman!
30
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,760
Fartman rules!
31
00:02:15,553 --> 00:02:16,971
Fartman!
32
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:18,806
Fartman!
33
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:29,191
And now, in an extraordinary
display of my powers,
34
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,570
I will show you something
so marvelous. Behold!
35
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:33,654
(FARTS LOUDLY)
36
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:43,789
The lovely and talented
Fartman, ladies and gentlemen!
37
00:02:43,873 --> 00:02:45,875
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
38
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,551
HOWARD: I gotta tell
you, with all this carrying on,
39
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,994
I mean, the way
they're screaming,
40
00:02:57,053 --> 00:02:59,013
at first, I really thought
I'd won them over.
41
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,099
I thought I was the Beatles
on Ed Sullivan or something.
42
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,976
Oh, shock...
43
00:03:04,060 --> 00:03:05,728
But did my fellow
artists appreciate
44
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:09,315
the comedically-ironic aspect
of my new superhero character?
45
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:12,151
No! They just
thought I was an idiot.
46
00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,654
You know most of these people
are Satan-worshipping junkies?
47
00:03:19,658 --> 00:03:22,078
Hey, look. All I want is
for my artistic courage
48
00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:23,746
to be an inspiration to others.
49
00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,289
Instead, I'm a joke.
50
00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:28,084
Excuse me, I didn't
mean to interrupt.
51
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,755
I'm embarrassed.
52
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:35,049
See, that's when I came
to a profound realization.
53
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:38,302
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
54
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,554
(SNARLS)
55
00:03:40,638 --> 00:03:42,181
Everything I do
is misunderstood.
56
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:44,475
I mean, think about
what a burden that is.
57
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,268
What a thing to
go through life with.
58
00:03:46,769 --> 00:03:48,562
All I'm trying to
do is be funny,
59
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:50,815
and I end up feeling
like an asshole.
60
00:03:52,191 --> 00:03:54,402
What a fucking jerk!
61
00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,450
MAN: Howard, it was a home run.
62
00:04:01,534 --> 00:04:03,536
- You think so?
- Absolutely!
63
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:07,832
And when you said, "All of
Hollywood can kiss my ass,"
64
00:04:07,915 --> 00:04:11,210
you had every teenager in the
country eating out of your hand.
65
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:15,589
My guess is we'll get
coverage from 200, maybe 300...
66
00:04:15,673 --> 00:04:16,674
(HEAVENLY ARIA PLAYING)
67
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,188
Howard? Howard!
68
00:04:31,689 --> 00:04:35,609
Here's your ticket. Okay? Call me as
soon as you get to New York, will you?
69
00:04:35,818 --> 00:04:38,946
- Yo, Fartman. Love you, man.
- Thanks.
70
00:04:39,989 --> 00:04:42,741
HOWARD: All right. So, getting
back to what I was talking about.
71
00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:46,412
More than anything, I'd
like the public to appreciate...
72
00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,915
No, forget that. I
want them to love me.
73
00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,542
Not the myth, but the man.
74
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,169
The real Howard.
75
00:04:54,295 --> 00:04:55,754
Let me demonstrate my point.
76
00:04:55,838 --> 00:04:57,923
Now, take this
woman, for example.
77
00:04:58,716 --> 00:05:00,009
She hates me.
78
00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:02,261
She doesn't even know me,
79
00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:05,681
but it's clear that she's
totally disgusted by me.
80
00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,852
Excuse me. You don't possibly
have another seat available, do you?
81
00:05:09,935 --> 00:05:11,729
I'm sorry, we're
showing a full load.
82
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,648
Right here on your left.
83
00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:16,358
- Okay.
- Yes.
84
00:05:17,193 --> 00:05:18,444
Sir, may I help you?
85
00:05:22,114 --> 00:05:24,325
- Hello.
- Hello.
86
00:05:25,201 --> 00:05:27,620
- Is this yours?
- Yeah. If you want to read it, you can.
87
00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,164
Thank you.
88
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:39,381
HOWARD: Pfft... I've
seen this look before.
89
00:05:39,465 --> 00:05:43,719
Believe me, it's the
look of misunderstanding.
90
00:05:44,303 --> 00:05:45,804
She thinks I'm a moron.
91
00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:48,933
In fact, all my life, people
have told me I was a moron.
92
00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,071
You're a moron! Now
shut up and sit still!
93
00:05:55,064 --> 00:05:56,815
So, this is my dad, Ben Stern.
94
00:05:56,899 --> 00:06:00,611
He was an engineer at a radio
station in Manhattan. WHOM.
95
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,030
Why live in Roosevelt
when you work in New York?
96
00:06:03,113 --> 00:06:04,281
Shut up!
97
00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:05,366
(RADIO STATIC)
98
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:08,077
HOWARD: We never played
catch or went to ball games.
99
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,840
The only sport my
father liked was yelling.
100
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:10,996
Nothing but crap.
101
00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,081
(CHANGES STATION)
102
00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:14,083
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS)
103
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,544
- Is this one crap?
- Don't be a moron!
104
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:31,535
HOWARD: My father
commuted every day.
105
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,519
I guess it was about
40 miles in to Manhattan.
106
00:06:34,019 --> 00:06:36,540
He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning and
get home around midnight or something.
107
00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:37,690
I mean, I never saw the guy.
108
00:06:37,773 --> 00:06:38,857
Come on. Come on.
109
00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:40,961
HOWARD: Once a year,
my old man would break down
110
00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:43,696
and take me to work with
him. A little quality time.
111
00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:46,949
I liked that, a little bonding.
Dad and son together.
112
00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:48,701
I looked forward to that.
113
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:49,910
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
114
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:52,621
Take my hand, Howard.
115
00:06:52,705 --> 00:06:56,000
And remember, Howard, I work
here, so keep your mouth shut.
116
00:06:57,334 --> 00:06:59,712
You spin and you
spin and you spin...
117
00:07:01,714 --> 00:07:03,674
- Records... Who gives a fuck?
- Daddy?
118
00:07:03,757 --> 00:07:06,927
- I told you, shut up!
- That man is throwing records.
119
00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:09,013
No, nobody gives
a goddamn about it!
120
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,057
None of it! What the
fuck? Just fucking records!
121
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:15,394
It's just this fucking place!
None of it means anything!
122
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:19,023
Sid, you're on in 15 seconds!
Get a grip on yourself.
123
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,775
Ah, what the hell do you know,
you bastard? You mieskait!
124
00:07:21,859 --> 00:07:24,194
You're gonna play the
music for the people?
125
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:25,654
Symphony Sid!
126
00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:29,908
By the powers vested in me by the
Federal Communications Commission,
127
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:34,371
I command you to get on the
microphone in a serious manner
128
00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:36,665
and continue this broadcast.
129
00:07:47,885 --> 00:07:53,057
CALMLY: This is Sunday Blues and
Jazz, and I'm your host, Symphony Sid.
130
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:57,227
And now, something
for a blue Sunday...
131
00:07:57,311 --> 00:08:00,147
HOWARD: From that moment
on, I wanted to be on the radio.
132
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:03,609
Show business
was definitely for me.
133
00:08:03,734 --> 00:08:04,735
(BOUNCY PUPPET MUSIC)
134
00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:09,156
And for my 12th birthday, my
mother bought me some puppets,
135
00:08:10,199 --> 00:08:12,785
and pretty soon I was spreading
joy throughout the community.
136
00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:15,287
(BOUNCY PUPPET MUSIC CONTINUES)
137
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:24,004
HOWARD IN FEMININE VOICE: Oh,
baby, I want it! Give it to me! More! Oh!
138
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:26,441
(MASCULINE) You like that, huh?
(FEMININE) Oh, yes, I love it, baby!
139
00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:27,466
Give it to me.
140
00:08:27,675 --> 00:08:30,135
Oh, baby, yes, right there! Oh!
141
00:08:30,219 --> 00:08:32,096
More! More! Harder!
142
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,032
(MASCULINE) You want it
harder? (FEMININE) Oh, yes, harder!
143
00:08:34,056 --> 00:08:35,641
Please give it to me. Please!
144
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,601
(SCREAMING)
145
00:08:39,061 --> 00:08:40,896
But why can't I play
with my puppets?
146
00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:43,107
Shut up! You know why!
147
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,906
HOWARD: You know,
life is very strange.
148
00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,785
Just about the time my
puppet career ended,
149
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:57,371
my whole neighborhood
underwent a demographic shift.
150
00:08:57,788 --> 00:09:00,141
Well, my parents said we're
moving because of those niggers.
151
00:09:00,165 --> 00:09:02,835
They said, pretty soon, Roosevelt's
gonna be nothing but niggers.
152
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:06,046
Really, my parents said we're
moving 'cause of all the schwarzes.
153
00:09:06,255 --> 00:09:09,049
Schwarzes are niggers,
idiot. They're the same thing.
154
00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:10,134
(TIRES SCREECH)
155
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,613
I don't want to hear any
more of this, you hear me?
156
00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:16,515
I'm half-Negro. And
Howard's half-Negro.
157
00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:19,935
And anything bad you say about Negroes,
you're saying about us, you understand?
158
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,651
Mom, we're half-Negro?
159
00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:34,408
I can't believe the
stories he makes up.
160
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,745
I mean, I never made him
wear my underwear to school.
161
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,706
And... And as far as my
taking his rectal temperature
162
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,875
every day till he was 14,
163
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,960
he shouldn't make
such a big deal.
164
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:47,504
He still grew up to be a
very well-adjusted individual.
165
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:48,672
Absolutely!
166
00:09:52,259 --> 00:09:54,136
Roosevelt High
School. Beautiful.
167
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,680
A fully-integrated
educational institution,
168
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:59,475
which, of course, meant
6, 000 black guys and me.
169
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:03,020
And then I hit puberty.
That made things worse,
170
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,622
because my penis
never got any bigger.
171
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,398
I mean, I was hung
like a three-year old.
172
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:11,153
Hey, seriously, these guys
have rhinoceros penises. Huge!
173
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:14,323
You know, I've heard black men
complain that they're unfairly stereotyped.
174
00:10:14,406 --> 00:10:16,784
Man, I'd love to have
a stereotype like that.
175
00:10:18,285 --> 00:10:22,414
Now, because I had such a
minuscule schlonger, I turned to drugs.
176
00:10:22,873 --> 00:10:25,793
Unfortunately, the drugs
really made me paranoid.
177
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,259
HOWARD'S MOTHER: Howard? I
smell smoke. Are you smoking in there?
178
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:35,969
There's no smoke in here.
179
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:39,181
Howard, your father wants
to see you downstairs.
180
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:44,561
(GARGLES)
181
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:46,313
Howard?
182
00:10:47,773 --> 00:10:48,774
(SWALLOWS)
183
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:51,443
Howard, you're graduating
from high school this year.
184
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,779
You should be making some
kind of plan for your future.
185
00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,280
You need a plan.
186
00:10:55,364 --> 00:10:57,032
I want to be on the radio.
187
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,368
He wants to be on radio.
188
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:01,620
But to be on the radio
you have to have a voice.
189
00:11:01,703 --> 00:11:03,497
You have to have
some verbal ability.
190
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,624
You hardly ever say a word.
191
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,545
This all from a guy who's only told
me to shut up about 50, 000 times.
192
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:10,838
I talk.
193
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,925
You really want
to be on the radio?
194
00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:20,097
Okay, if you want
a shot at radio,
195
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,557
the counseling center says
196
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,810
there's a Communications
program at Boston University.
197
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:37,406
HOWARD: Okay, I
know what you're saying.
198
00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:40,033
You're saying I look a
little old to be in college.
199
00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:43,036
But for this movie, you
gotta suspend disbelief
200
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,122
Hey, Lisa.
201
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,792
- Lisa, how you doing?
- Hi.
202
00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,878
Wondering if you'd like
to go out Friday night?
203
00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:52,754
With you?
204
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172
No, thanks.
205
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,429
- Hi, I was just wondering...
- Uh, no.
206
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,854
- Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
207
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,148
Excuse me. Would you
like to go out Friday night?
208
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:12,983
Friday?
209
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:22,492
No... I have a lot of reading
to catch up on, but thank you.
210
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,787
HOWARD: So, I masturbated a lot.
211
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:29,541
Two-time-a-day habit. I'm
not proud of it, but I did it.
212
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,168
Senior year, a big year for me.
213
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:33,811
I finally got up the courage go
down to the college radio station
214
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:35,422
and get myself on the air.
215
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:38,383
And my name is Howard Stern
on The Howard Stern Experience,
216
00:12:38,467 --> 00:12:43,847
and if you love music, you'll
love Deep Purple on TBU.
217
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:47,184
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
218
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:56,485
Ohh...
219
00:12:58,195 --> 00:13:00,238
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
220
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:01,740
Ooh!
221
00:13:02,366 --> 00:13:04,826
Oh, my God! Oh, my fucking God!
222
00:13:06,161 --> 00:13:07,829
(NEEDLE SCRATCHES RECORD)
223
00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:11,017
How do I forget it? It's the single
worst moment in radio history.
224
00:13:11,041 --> 00:13:14,086
- It's not radio, it's college radio.
- Really.
225
00:13:14,169 --> 00:13:15,337
There's nobody listening.
226
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,382
Nobody. Maybe, like, three
guys in a dorm somewhere.
227
00:13:18,924 --> 00:13:22,135
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, fuck! I know someone on this block.
228
00:13:22,219 --> 00:13:23,637
- Let me think.
- Come on!
229
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:25,681
Down here. Down here. Come here.
230
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,140
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
231
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,142
- Hi, Elyse.
- Hey.
232
00:13:29,226 --> 00:13:32,562
So, we were on our way to
a rally in support of feminism,
233
00:13:32,646 --> 00:13:33,939
and we got caught in the rain.
234
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:36,250
I'm wondering if we could come
in and just hang out for a while.
235
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:38,151
- Sure, come on in.
- Thanks.
236
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,047
HOWARD: Can I
use your hairdryer?
237
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,590
Yeah. There's one
at the end of the hall.
238
00:13:42,614 --> 00:13:43,615
Hey, Rach.
239
00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:46,410
- This is Howard.
- Oh, hi. My hair's wet.
240
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:48,078
Just put that there.
241
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,788
I'm just gonna go dry my hair.
242
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:51,540
Hey, I heard you
on the radio today.
243
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,292
- You heard that?
- Yeah. What happened?
244
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,479
I didn't think anybody
listened to that.
245
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:57,546
Alison, this is Howard.
246
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,607
Howard, this is Alison.
Alison's one of my roommates.
247
00:13:59,631 --> 00:14:00,757
Hey.
248
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:02,968
(THUNDER)
249
00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,263
(ENCHANTING INSTRUMENTAL
MUSIC PLAYING)
250
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:11,226
Howard? Howard?
251
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:13,729
- Hairdryer's in the bathroom.
- Okay.
252
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:21,361
Hi... Hi... Hi, I'm Howard...
253
00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:24,823
Look at you, man, you
can get her. Look at you.
254
00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:25,991
She is hot.
255
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:27,075
(SNIFFING)
256
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:29,369
How are you?
257
00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:33,081
I'm making a film for my film class,
and, I mean, it's a legitimate film.
258
00:14:33,165 --> 00:14:34,767
You won't... You're not gonna
have to be naked or anything.
259
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:36,394
You're gonna have your
clothes on, you know.
260
00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:39,129
- What's it about?
- Well, I'm glad you asked me that.
261
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:43,508
In my psychology class,
we're studying B. F. Skinner.
262
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:48,180
And, I started to realize
that what Skinner says is true.
263
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:51,725
We're all rats trapped in a box,
all searching for a piece of cheese.
264
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:53,518
Mm-hmm.
265
00:14:53,602 --> 00:14:55,103
And I'm gonna
shoot it on Saturday.
266
00:14:56,480 --> 00:14:58,023
I can't do it Saturday.
267
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:01,234
I work with an outpatient
program for schizophrenics.
268
00:15:01,318 --> 00:15:02,754
One of them
actually killed himself,
269
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:06,073
so I'm taking the whole group
to the funeral on Saturday, but...
270
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:07,866
Sorry.
271
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:10,994
You are really perfect.
272
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:14,289
I... All right, what
if I reschedule?
273
00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,376
Beautiful, I don't believe it!
274
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:21,922
HOWARD: Look, I refused to leave
the room until she agreed to be in my film.
275
00:15:22,047 --> 00:15:23,173
- Gorgeous.
- I feel stupid.
276
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:25,592
Seriously, she was the most
enchanting woman I'd ever met.
277
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:27,795
I'm telling you, I'm looking
for the face of an angel.
278
00:15:27,844 --> 00:15:29,030
You have the face of an angel...
279
00:15:29,054 --> 00:15:30,055
(GHOSTLY GROANING)
280
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:33,100
HOWARD'S VOICE: Save me!
281
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,646
Save me!
282
00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:43,235
He comes to me! He comes to me!
283
00:15:43,902 --> 00:15:45,779
Ahh...
284
00:15:46,404 --> 00:15:48,323
Save me.
285
00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:51,618
(APPLAUSE)
286
00:15:54,955 --> 00:15:57,999
We give the award
for best student film
287
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,961
to Mr. Howard Stern.
288
00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,260
HOWARD: I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter
289
00:16:08,343 --> 00:16:10,137
than to be with an
award-winning filmmaker.
290
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:11,429
This I know.
291
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:13,157
And at this point, I
knew I was gonna score.
292
00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:14,558
I mean, it was fait accompli.
293
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,561
I was in. This
was it. I'm a stud.
294
00:16:17,811 --> 00:16:19,521
She was liquefied.
295
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,857
We did not have
sex on our first date.
296
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,733
Although he was very sexual.
297
00:16:24,568 --> 00:16:26,778
Our sex life has always
been good. I mean...
298
00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:31,324
Howard complains that his penis is
too small, but his penis size is fine.
299
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,743
Howard exaggerates.
300
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,328
(SHIVERING)
301
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,205
- Okay.
- Okay.
302
00:16:37,289 --> 00:16:38,290
Now hold this and say...
303
00:16:38,373 --> 00:16:40,667
Hi, hi, I'm Camille, and, uh,
304
00:16:40,750 --> 00:16:44,296
- I'm in Westchester, New York, and...
- "This is Howard's first job interview."
305
00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,631
This is Howard's
first job interview.
306
00:16:46,715 --> 00:16:49,342
Well, he's going to his first
job interview in New York.
307
00:16:49,426 --> 00:16:50,987
- All right. One more thing.
- (SHIVERING) Yes.
308
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,179
Can you take your top off?
309
00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:53,722
- No!
- No, I'm serious.
310
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:55,366
I'm serious, this is what
they want you to do.
311
00:16:55,390 --> 00:16:57,058
- No, they don't.
- No, they do.
312
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,310
- No way!
- No, they do.
313
00:16:58,393 --> 00:16:59,394
Howard did not tell...
314
00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:13,241
- I'm Moti, station manager.
- Howard Stern.
315
00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:15,035
You want to be a disc jockey?
316
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:16,878
Very much so. I've
wanted to be a disc jockey
317
00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:18,538
since I was seven years old.
318
00:17:18,830 --> 00:17:19,998
What are you? An idiot?
319
00:17:21,041 --> 00:17:22,500
No, sir, I'm not an idiot. I...
320
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:25,545
In fact, I have a Communications
degree from Boston University.
321
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:27,982
And I would work very hard for
this company if given the opportunity.
322
00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,132
You wanted to see me?
323
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:31,927
You came late yesterday.
You came late today.
324
00:17:32,010 --> 00:17:33,303
I don't need you. You're fired.
325
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,055
Fuck you.
326
00:17:35,138 --> 00:17:38,433
Good. Fuck you, you punk!
Fuck you 1,000 percent!
327
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:41,645
Fuck you till your asshole
is purple donkey asshole!
328
00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:43,010
(MUTTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
329
00:17:44,147 --> 00:17:45,440
Okay, you start tomorrow.
330
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,943
10:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m.
331
00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,361
- Eh?
- Yes.
332
00:17:49,444 --> 00:17:52,072
Pay, $96 a week, and don't
bring me your problems.
333
00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,907
- Okay.
- I'm not psychiatrist.
334
00:17:54,783 --> 00:17:55,951
Thank you very much.
335
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,329
I promise you I will not
disappoint you. Thank you.
336
00:18:00,121 --> 00:18:01,665
And I start tomorrow?
337
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:05,418
DEJECTEDLY:
Westchester 107, WRNW 107.
338
00:18:05,961 --> 00:18:07,295
Hi, this is Howard Stern.
339
00:18:07,379 --> 00:18:11,299
It's 75 degrees presently.
Winds out of the northwest.
340
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:14,970
Chances of precipitation,
85% for tonight.
341
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,013
Looks like rain.
342
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:21,268
Tomorrow partly sunny at
WRNW Westchester 107.
343
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:22,978
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
344
00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,958
HOWARD: I was sort
of living with Alison
345
00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:30,110
while she worked on her Masters in
Social Work, which was really great.
346
00:18:30,652 --> 00:18:33,571
I was also still living with my
parents, which wasn't so great.
347
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:36,032
- HOWARD'S MOTHER: Howard?
- Yeah... Yeah, Ma?
348
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:38,576
I smell smoke. Are
you smoking in there?
349
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:40,453
No, Ma, there's
no smoke in here.
350
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,124
DEJECTEDLY: 107 FM, WRNW,
351
00:18:44,207 --> 00:18:46,293
I'm Howard Stern with
you each and every day.
352
00:18:46,376 --> 00:18:49,379
And I've got a great
Two-for-Tuesday.
353
00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:55,427
107 FM, The Ramones. Gabba Gabba,
wee, gabba gabba, hey, gabba gabba gabba...
354
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,805
(RAMONES PLAYING LOUDLY)
355
00:19:07,230 --> 00:19:09,816
Howard, you stink.
I don't mix words.
356
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,735
You'll never be a
great disc jockey.
357
00:19:11,818 --> 00:19:14,946
You've a lousy voice, lousy
personality, this will not change.
358
00:19:15,030 --> 00:19:17,699
Okay? So on the
air is not for you.
359
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,953
But you come on time, and
you're a good worker, huh?
360
00:19:22,579 --> 00:19:23,580
So...
361
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:27,584
How about I make
you program director?
362
00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:36,009
- Program director?
- Program director. You.
363
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:39,471
You... You run station.
364
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,474
You... Sit. You pick music.
365
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,809
No more $96 a week.
366
00:19:44,893 --> 00:19:48,271
Eh... I pay you... You, eh...
367
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:51,524
250 dollars a week.
368
00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:52,984
(CHUCKLES)
369
00:19:53,568 --> 00:19:56,071
You'd be management, like me.
370
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,425
HOWARD: To be quite honest, I
didn't really want to be a programmer,
371
00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,785
but at $250 a week,
I could marry Alison
372
00:20:01,868 --> 00:20:03,745
and we'd get a
real place together.
373
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:06,831
Oh, look at her. I
mean, this was a miracle.
374
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:08,708
Here's this beautiful girl,
375
00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,210
I mean, a gorgeous woman,
376
00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,604
willing to spend the
rest of her life with me.
377
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,171
I just couldn't
have been happier.
378
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,509
I was the happiest
program director in the world.
379
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:21,930
Yeah, me. Program director.
Overnight, I become the big boss.
380
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:24,641
Howard Stern, Executive Manager!
381
00:20:24,766 --> 00:20:26,434
I had no idea what I was doing.
382
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:29,145
No clue what to do
with this job whatsoever.
383
00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:31,314
But I did it, and
everyone bought into it.
384
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,500
They thought I knew
what I was doing.
385
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:33,900
This was great.
386
00:20:34,359 --> 00:20:35,902
- Howard!
- Oh, hey, Moti!
387
00:20:36,111 --> 00:20:39,531
- Advertising is up, profit is up.
- Oh, great.
388
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:42,575
As a disc jockey, you're...
You're shit. (CHUCKLES)
389
00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:44,035
But you're a great programmer.
390
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,995
- Here, payday.
- Thanks, Moti.
391
00:20:46,079 --> 00:20:49,040
Listen, I want you
to fire Dickie Davis.
392
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:51,167
Why?
393
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:52,627
None of your business.
394
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:54,045
The guy's got three kids!
395
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:57,298
You want to be management? You
fire him, huh? It's good to fire someone.
396
00:20:57,382 --> 00:21:00,135
It gives a good message to
the others. Just fire him, huh?
397
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,304
I don't want to fire
him. You fire him.
398
00:21:03,388 --> 00:21:08,143
Howard, disc jockeys are dogs.
Your job is to make them fetch, eh?
399
00:21:08,518 --> 00:21:12,814
Now, if you want to truly be management,
you be a man and fire him. Do it!
400
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:14,524
Be a man.
401
00:21:23,575 --> 00:21:26,077
MOTI: Tell Dickie Davis
Howard wants to see him now.
402
00:21:27,412 --> 00:21:28,830
(VOMITING)
403
00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,004
(VOMITING)
404
00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,923
- How? Howard?
- Don't look.
405
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:40,592
Are you okay?
406
00:21:40,675 --> 00:21:41,676
(COUGHS)
407
00:21:42,385 --> 00:21:44,971
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me
408
00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:47,891
if I gave up my programming
job and I stayed on the air
409
00:21:47,974 --> 00:21:49,142
and I made a lot less money?
410
00:21:49,225 --> 00:21:50,477
Yes.
411
00:21:51,019 --> 00:21:53,539
I mean, you know, I'd have to
leave you, but I'd still love you.
412
00:21:55,482 --> 00:21:58,485
Be serious. If I
make less money,
413
00:21:58,568 --> 00:22:00,653
we wouldn't even be able
to afford this apartment.
414
00:22:00,862 --> 00:22:02,864
We can't really afford
the apartment now,
415
00:22:02,947 --> 00:22:05,033
so it doesn't quite
matter, really.
416
00:22:05,408 --> 00:22:07,035
I guess.
417
00:22:10,163 --> 00:22:11,748
Do what you need to do.
418
00:22:13,416 --> 00:22:16,044
Come on back here, hold
the sign right in front of you.
419
00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:17,295
Come on back.
420
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:19,506
I want you to say,
"Howard goes to Hartford,"
421
00:22:19,714 --> 00:22:22,717
"and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."
422
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:25,220
(UNCLEAR ENUNCIATION)
Howard goes to Hartford at CCC.
423
00:22:25,303 --> 00:22:26,596
"Howard goes to Hartford,"
424
00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,932
"and becomes the wacky
morning man at WCCC."
425
00:22:29,015 --> 00:22:31,434
Howard goes to Hartford at W...
426
00:22:31,518 --> 00:22:33,037
All right. All right.
That's not gonna work.
427
00:22:33,061 --> 00:22:34,687
"Howard comes to Hartford"
428
00:22:34,771 --> 00:22:37,607
"to become the wacky
morning man at WCCC."
429
00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,442
GARY: Let's see some muscles!
430
00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:43,154
How about some back muscles?
431
00:22:43,238 --> 00:22:45,532
Was my voice too
deep doing that?
432
00:22:45,615 --> 00:22:46,616
No, it's very feminine.
433
00:22:57,335 --> 00:23:02,048
WCCC FM 107 and AM
1290. My name is Fred Norris.
434
00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:04,801
And, uh, stick around for
the new guy, Howard Stern,
435
00:23:04,884 --> 00:23:06,886
and The Howard Stern Program.
436
00:23:09,055 --> 00:23:10,348
Hi.
437
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:12,934
Oh... Oh, my God.
438
00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:14,018
Oh, it's so...
439
00:23:15,186 --> 00:23:17,689
Hi. Howard Stern. How
you doing? You're Fred?
440
00:23:18,356 --> 00:23:21,276
I can't believe how late I
am. Who would have thought?
441
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,612
On the Berlin Turnpike, I take
a left-hand turn like I rehearsed
442
00:23:24,696 --> 00:23:27,323
500 times getting here
and I somehow got lost.
443
00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:28,408
Oh...
444
00:23:29,826 --> 00:23:32,787
I'm sweating. I'm so hot.
445
00:23:33,705 --> 00:23:35,248
I'm so schvitz!
446
00:23:35,331 --> 00:23:37,500
(SIGHS) I'm hot.
447
00:23:39,627 --> 00:23:41,504
I was planning on being on time.
448
00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:46,426
Ooh, man.
449
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:48,469
Whoo-oo-oo...
450
00:23:49,220 --> 00:23:53,016
107 FM, AM 1290, WCCC!
451
00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:56,477
Good morning. My name is Howard
Stern. I'm the new morning man on CCC.
452
00:23:56,561 --> 00:23:59,063
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...
453
00:23:59,147 --> 00:24:03,860
Mr. Ringo Starr and he's
here in the studio. Hi, Ringo.
454
00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:05,379
(IMITATES RINGO)
"How you doing, me love?"
455
00:24:05,403 --> 00:24:08,823
I wish you'd play us a little wipe-out
this morning, wake everybody up.
456
00:24:13,620 --> 00:24:17,832
Oh, yeah! That was great,
Ringo! CCC, AM 1290, FM 107.
457
00:24:17,915 --> 00:24:19,626
This is Cheap Trick.
458
00:24:19,959 --> 00:24:22,003
(CHEAP TRICK SONG PLAYS)
459
00:24:23,212 --> 00:24:24,631
Ohh, thank you.
460
00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:26,132
Whoa.
461
00:24:27,550 --> 00:24:29,320
HOWARD: Hartford ended
up being okay, you know.
462
00:24:29,344 --> 00:24:30,863
I mean, Fred seemed
to really like me.
463
00:24:30,887 --> 00:24:32,430
I mean, I think
he really liked me.
464
00:24:32,513 --> 00:24:34,199
The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?
465
00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:35,903
And Alison, well, she
got a job right away.
466
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:39,270
Now, if you wanted to buy liver
for dinner, what would you do?
467
00:24:40,438 --> 00:24:45,068
- Go to the supermarket?
- That's right. And then what?
468
00:24:45,151 --> 00:24:49,906
This afternoon, gray skies,
occasional showers and precipitation.
469
00:24:50,114 --> 00:24:51,824
Highs near 75.
470
00:24:51,908 --> 00:24:54,952
It's going to be
raining like cats and...
471
00:24:55,036 --> 00:24:56,096
(IMITATING CAT AND CHICKEN)
472
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,914
And chickens? I don't think so.
473
00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:00,458
- (IMITATING DOG)
- And dogs.
474
00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:04,128
WCCC also wants to remind you
that our new sponsor, Stanley Sport...
475
00:25:04,587 --> 00:25:06,047
um, is a great place to go.
476
00:25:06,130 --> 00:25:07,191
(MOUTHING) We don't have it.
477
00:25:07,215 --> 00:25:08,651
You know, I gotta
tell you something.
478
00:25:08,675 --> 00:25:11,469
When I was a child, I used to
go to Stanley Sport all the time.
479
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:12,804
I loved Stanley Sport.
480
00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:15,607
My parents would take me through
there, and we just had a great time.
481
00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:17,282
And we could walk
out with tons of stuff,
482
00:25:17,350 --> 00:25:19,519
even though my parents
didn't make a lot of money.
483
00:25:19,811 --> 00:25:20,812
Oh.
484
00:25:21,312 --> 00:25:24,023
And, uh, there's only
one Stanley Sports.
485
00:25:24,148 --> 00:25:28,194
And the grand opening is this
weekend. Mark it on your calendar.
486
00:25:30,113 --> 00:25:31,739
The grand opening is this...
487
00:25:31,823 --> 00:25:34,659
I just realized, uh, that
makes no sense, what I said.
488
00:25:34,742 --> 00:25:36,929
I just told you I went there as a
kid and now the grand opening...
489
00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:39,747
Well, I just... I think I
was just caught in a lie.
490
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:43,126
Oh, boy. You know
what the truth is?
491
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,712
I'm a disc jockey who
makes $250 a week,
492
00:25:45,837 --> 00:25:47,690
and I just want to do the
right thing here on the air.
493
00:25:47,714 --> 00:25:51,884
I don't wanna get fired. So,
uh, I guess I lied to you, but...
494
00:25:52,093 --> 00:25:54,262
I'll never let that happen
again. You know what I mean?
495
00:25:54,345 --> 00:25:55,888
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.
496
00:25:57,932 --> 00:26:01,436
Seriously, I heard the show today.
I think you're really getting good.
497
00:26:02,061 --> 00:26:03,563
What part did you
like in particular?
498
00:26:03,646 --> 00:26:06,208
Was it the Chinese guy calling
in for the Doobie Brothers tickets?
499
00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:09,360
You know when you did that ad,
and you were just being yourself?
500
00:26:10,027 --> 00:26:12,280
- That's what you liked?
- Yeah.
501
00:26:12,989 --> 00:26:15,366
- Really?
- It was funny.
502
00:26:20,371 --> 00:26:23,833
HOWARD: Little by little, our ratings
actually improved, and before long,
503
00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:26,377
I got to interview my first
real semi-famous celebrity,
504
00:26:26,502 --> 00:26:29,005
B-movie star,
Brittany Fairchild.
505
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,298
While I'm interviewing her,
506
00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:33,426
she actually invites me to
go to a premiere for her movie.
507
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:36,596
I remember how embarrassing it
was because nobody knew who I was.
508
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:39,366
I'm escorting this woman around, and
none of these people know who I am.
509
00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:42,226
They just think she has some
ugly boyfriend, you know?
510
00:26:42,435 --> 00:26:44,562
But who cares? I
mean, it was exciting.
511
00:27:00,661 --> 00:27:02,246
BRITTANY ON FILM: Hello?
512
00:27:08,211 --> 00:27:09,879
I'm here for the shoot.
513
00:27:15,009 --> 00:27:16,511
Is anybody there?
514
00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:23,392
Hello?
515
00:27:25,311 --> 00:27:26,312
HOWARD: Ohh...
516
00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:33,861
My back hurts. Would you mind
taking me back to my hotel room?
517
00:27:36,197 --> 00:27:38,032
I know this director,
and he told me
518
00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:41,202
that when he was little,
his mother killed his sister,
519
00:27:41,285 --> 00:27:43,120
but was never charged.
520
00:27:43,204 --> 00:27:44,205
Wow.
521
00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:46,541
Come in.
522
00:27:47,250 --> 00:27:49,168
Come in.
523
00:27:54,549 --> 00:27:56,259
- It's nice.
- Sit down.
524
00:27:57,343 --> 00:27:58,344
(KEYS JANGLE)
525
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:02,014
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
526
00:28:08,729 --> 00:28:11,148
Hey, man. Free drinks.
527
00:28:13,734 --> 00:28:14,735
(CLEARS THROAT)
528
00:28:16,988 --> 00:28:17,989
(FAUCET SQUEAKS)
529
00:28:18,155 --> 00:28:19,156
(WATER RUNNING)
530
00:28:20,783 --> 00:28:22,869
What the hell is she doing?
531
00:28:25,413 --> 00:28:26,873
I think she's running a bath.
532
00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:36,924
Oh, my God, man, she's
taking her clothes off.
533
00:28:37,758 --> 00:28:39,719
I guess she forgot
to close the door.
534
00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:42,657
Well, she's a Hollywood actress.
They have a lot on their mind.
535
00:28:44,015 --> 00:28:45,474
Oh, my God.
536
00:28:50,021 --> 00:28:51,564
Oh, is she cute!
537
00:28:52,648 --> 00:28:54,692
- BRITTANY: Howard?
- Yes?
538
00:28:54,775 --> 00:28:56,485
Could you come
here for a second?
539
00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:12,793
Oh, hi.
540
00:29:12,877 --> 00:29:15,379
My shoulders tense
up when I travel.
541
00:29:15,463 --> 00:29:17,089
Would you mind rubbing
them for a minute?
542
00:29:17,173 --> 00:29:20,885
It works best when I'm in a hot
bath. It helps relax the muscles.
543
00:29:22,887 --> 00:29:27,683
- I don't know if that's okay or not.
- Please. It really hurts.
544
00:29:29,894 --> 00:29:31,979
I don't know that I can do this.
545
00:29:32,063 --> 00:29:33,863
I'll tell you what, I'll
just kneel over here,
546
00:29:33,940 --> 00:29:35,620
and I'll rub your
shoulders from back here.
547
00:29:35,691 --> 00:29:38,235
No. Sit behind me in the tub.
548
00:29:38,444 --> 00:29:40,863
- Oh, I can't do that.
- Why not?
549
00:29:41,614 --> 00:29:43,991
Well, for one thing, my
clothes are gonna get all wet.
550
00:29:44,075 --> 00:29:46,661
Well, then I guess
you better take them off.
551
00:29:49,413 --> 00:29:51,173
I gotta tell you something.
You are gorgeous.
552
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:53,101
And... And you're a great
actress and everything,
553
00:29:53,125 --> 00:29:55,962
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.
554
00:29:56,212 --> 00:29:57,505
Then leave your underwear on.
555
00:29:58,965 --> 00:29:59,966
What?
556
00:30:00,049 --> 00:30:02,927
If you leave your underwear
on, then you can't cheat.
557
00:30:03,010 --> 00:30:04,762
It's just like going swimming.
558
00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:08,724
HOWARD: I don't know what it was,
but she started making a lot of sense.
559
00:30:08,808 --> 00:30:12,979
I really need your help.
My back really hurts.
560
00:30:13,938 --> 00:30:15,147
FRED: She's right.
561
00:30:17,483 --> 00:30:19,860
Could you start
with my shoulders?
562
00:30:23,823 --> 00:30:24,824
Ahh...
563
00:30:25,199 --> 00:30:26,200
Yeah.
564
00:30:27,702 --> 00:30:29,036
(MOANS)
565
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:34,000
Can you come around my sides. I
think I pulled a muscle in my ribcage.
566
00:30:36,669 --> 00:30:38,254
(MOANS)
567
00:30:39,839 --> 00:30:41,132
Howard?
568
00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:49,473
I know how to give
a man pleasure.
569
00:30:51,350 --> 00:30:52,810
Mmm.
570
00:30:53,644 --> 00:30:55,312
Ooh.
571
00:30:55,396 --> 00:30:56,689
Pleasure.
572
00:30:59,150 --> 00:31:01,527
Oh. Oh, wow.
573
00:31:01,610 --> 00:31:03,320
No, no, no. No,
no, no, no, no, no.
574
00:31:03,404 --> 00:31:04,822
Stop that. Stop.
575
00:31:04,989 --> 00:31:06,532
Oh, whoa.
576
00:31:06,615 --> 00:31:09,035
Oh, man. Wow. Thank you.
577
00:31:09,118 --> 00:31:10,786
Oh, my. Thanks. Thanks...
578
00:31:10,870 --> 00:31:13,098
Thanks for everything, listen,
the premiere and everything.
579
00:31:13,122 --> 00:31:16,208
Oh, my God. I
just... I just gotta go.
580
00:31:16,292 --> 00:31:20,129
You know, it was a great interview on
the radio. Thanks, thanks... Thank you.
581
00:31:20,463 --> 00:31:23,090
I really must go. Bye!
582
00:31:23,215 --> 00:31:24,216
(DOOR CLOSES)
583
00:31:24,592 --> 00:31:26,552
(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)
584
00:31:47,114 --> 00:31:48,616
(SCRUBBING)
585
00:31:49,283 --> 00:31:52,036
- Hi.
- Hey. How was it?
586
00:31:52,578 --> 00:31:55,081
So bad, so horrible. I just
had the worst night of my life.
587
00:31:55,164 --> 00:31:57,583
I mean, I can't even begin to
tell you how miserable I am.
588
00:31:57,875 --> 00:31:59,543
But it's so late, I
got to get to bed.
589
00:31:59,627 --> 00:32:00,669
I mean, no one realizes
590
00:32:00,753 --> 00:32:02,731
I got to get up at 4:00 in the
morning in that radio station.
591
00:32:02,755 --> 00:32:03,899
I can't believe how late it is.
592
00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:05,341
- Go and get in.
- Okay.
593
00:32:05,424 --> 00:32:08,677
I, I just... I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.
594
00:32:09,136 --> 00:32:10,346
Horrible.
595
00:32:13,182 --> 00:32:15,434
God, let me get away with this
596
00:32:15,518 --> 00:32:19,230
and I swear I'll never stray
from Alison again. Never.
597
00:32:19,772 --> 00:32:21,166
HOWARD ON RADIO: I just
wanna thank someone this morning.
598
00:32:21,190 --> 00:32:22,817
I want to thank
Brittany Fairchild
599
00:32:22,900 --> 00:32:25,945
for having myself and Fred out to,
uh, her new movie. It was really good.
600
00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:27,696
Fred, what did you
think of the movie?
601
00:32:28,155 --> 00:32:29,740
FRED: I was very moved.
602
00:32:29,824 --> 00:32:34,286
I think a lot of us were moved
last night. CCC AM 1290, FM 107.
603
00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:01,331
HOWARD: It's the fifth largest
market in the United States,
604
00:33:01,355 --> 00:33:04,066
and they want me to start
tomorrow, which is a good sign, I think.
605
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:07,862
That means they're, you know, they're
really desperate for me, which I like.
606
00:33:08,612 --> 00:33:11,740
And they say they're gonna move
the building to the best part of the city.
607
00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:15,202
Which I think is good, too. You
know, pump money into the facility.
608
00:33:15,411 --> 00:33:17,011
And the station manager
says we're gonna
609
00:33:17,037 --> 00:33:19,290
be the most aggressive
radio station in Detroit.
610
00:33:19,456 --> 00:33:22,042
We are gonna dominate
the marketplace, which I lo...
611
00:33:27,506 --> 00:33:29,216
Are these yours?
612
00:33:32,386 --> 00:33:33,888
They're wet.
613
00:33:41,145 --> 00:33:43,272
HOWARD: Alison's
not coming to Detroit.
614
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:45,774
I should've just come home
615
00:33:45,858 --> 00:33:47,898
and told my wife everything,
and admitted the truth,
616
00:33:47,943 --> 00:33:49,754
because now my wife
doesn't even trust me anymore,
617
00:33:49,778 --> 00:33:51,947
and I don't blame her,
because I don't trust me either.
618
00:33:52,072 --> 00:33:54,450
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!
619
00:33:56,076 --> 00:33:57,203
What am I gonna do?
620
00:33:57,786 --> 00:33:59,163
I don't know.
621
00:34:01,332 --> 00:34:04,627
I can always count on you for
help, man. Thanks. I appreciate it.
622
00:34:10,716 --> 00:34:13,396
Listen, man, as soon as I get to
Detroit and things start happening,
623
00:34:13,469 --> 00:34:15,349
I'm gonna get these
guys to hire you, all right?
624
00:34:16,180 --> 00:34:17,431
Okay.
625
00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,602
Fred, I'm serious, I'm
not gonna forget you. Bye!
626
00:34:28,984 --> 00:34:31,487
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
627
00:34:38,619 --> 00:34:40,746
- Howard! How you doing, man?
- How you doing, Marvin?
628
00:34:40,829 --> 00:34:42,469
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you, too.
629
00:34:42,539 --> 00:34:45,376
Hey. Patricia Fonfara, meet
Howard Stern. The news lady.
630
00:34:45,501 --> 00:34:47,962
Hi. Really looking forward
to working with you.
631
00:34:48,045 --> 00:34:49,672
The Duke of Rock's
just finishing up,
632
00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:51,355
then we're gonna
get right inside, so...
633
00:34:51,548 --> 00:34:53,467
Hey, Marvin, what
happened to the new building?
634
00:34:53,550 --> 00:34:55,237
I told you. We're gonna
build a new building.
635
00:34:55,261 --> 00:34:56,971
First we gotta build
an audience, heh.
636
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:04,770
The Duke of Rock's getting ready to
walk, but I want you to stick around,
637
00:35:04,853 --> 00:35:07,523
because we got a
brand-new morning man.
638
00:35:08,190 --> 00:35:10,442
He looks like Big Bird to me.
639
00:35:10,901 --> 00:35:15,197
Coming next on W4106 FM...
640
00:35:16,115 --> 00:35:19,201
What's happening, man?
Come on in, Big Bird.
641
00:35:19,285 --> 00:35:21,829
How you doing, man? Good
to see you. How's things?
642
00:35:21,912 --> 00:35:24,123
What's that? You gonna do what?
643
00:35:24,415 --> 00:35:26,208
Is that right? Well,
how about that, kiddies?
644
00:35:26,292 --> 00:35:28,168
He's gonna have Kermit
the Frog come in here
645
00:35:28,252 --> 00:35:30,105
and sing the Alphabet
Song. Isn't that something?
646
00:35:30,129 --> 00:35:33,674
Coming up next on the Big Bird Show.
I gotta go. See you midnight tonight.
647
00:35:33,757 --> 00:35:37,761
This is the Duke of Rock saying, "If
you can't be good, be bad, baby!" Bye.
648
00:35:39,513 --> 00:35:42,349
Hi, how you doing? Howard Stern.
649
00:35:42,433 --> 00:35:44,369
Nice to see you. Listened
to your show last night.
650
00:35:44,393 --> 00:35:46,770
It was great. Looking
forward to working with you.
651
00:35:47,604 --> 00:35:50,983
- Don't hurt yourself, man.
- Okay, thanks. Thank you.
652
00:35:51,066 --> 00:35:52,067
(DOOR CLOSES)
653
00:35:52,484 --> 00:35:54,778
Thank you. What
am I thanking him for?
654
00:35:54,862 --> 00:35:57,614
HOWARD: So let's
review. My life sucked.
655
00:35:57,698 --> 00:36:00,701
Alison dumped me. I didn't know
if she'd ever come back to me.
656
00:36:00,784 --> 00:36:02,828
And now this dickwad
is calling me Big Bird.
657
00:36:02,953 --> 00:36:05,372
106 FM. WWWW...
658
00:36:05,456 --> 00:36:07,374
I don't know. Something
in me just snapped.
659
00:36:07,458 --> 00:36:10,961
My name is Howard Stern, and
welcome to the new morning show.
660
00:36:11,170 --> 00:36:14,423
We have a new feature for you,
this is, uh, something special.
661
00:36:14,631 --> 00:36:18,135
We have a traffic 'copter
now here at WWWW.
662
00:36:18,260 --> 00:36:21,055
Let's go to Mama Looka
Booboo Day in the traffic 'copter.
663
00:36:21,138 --> 00:36:25,267
Mama, you there?
Hello? Mama? Uh. Hello?
664
00:36:25,351 --> 00:36:26,619
(HELICOPTER FLYING SOUND EFFECT)
665
00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:29,188
(DOING MAMA'S VOICE) Yes,
hello, this is Mama Looka Booboo Day,
666
00:36:29,271 --> 00:36:33,150
the only black traffic
reporter in the Detroit area,
667
00:36:33,233 --> 00:36:34,860
I'm proud to say.
668
00:36:35,069 --> 00:36:37,613
Pleasure to make your
acquaintance this morning, Mama.
669
00:36:37,988 --> 00:36:40,157
Tell me, uh, what's
going on in the traffic?
670
00:36:40,282 --> 00:36:42,576
First, a political
statement, if I may?
671
00:36:45,662 --> 00:36:47,748
"Kill, Kill, Kill
672
00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:52,544
the White Man," by Eugene
Mama Looka Booboo Day.
673
00:36:52,628 --> 00:36:53,670
Eugene is my pen name
674
00:36:53,754 --> 00:36:55,547
because I wrote this
while I was in the pen.
675
00:36:55,631 --> 00:36:56,632
Okay, here we go.
676
00:37:02,304 --> 00:37:05,474
"Kill, kill, kill
the white man."
677
00:37:09,812 --> 00:37:12,773
Kill him until he is dead.
678
00:37:14,483 --> 00:37:16,402
"Kill the white man."
679
00:37:19,113 --> 00:37:20,114
Thank you.
680
00:37:20,989 --> 00:37:23,409
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
681
00:37:27,413 --> 00:37:31,583
Can I speak to Alison Stern,
please? This is her husband, Howard.
682
00:37:32,709 --> 00:37:34,169
It's Howard.
683
00:37:37,256 --> 00:37:38,549
Hello?
684
00:37:40,217 --> 00:37:41,427
Shit.
685
00:38:03,157 --> 00:38:05,033
(SIREN)
686
00:38:05,117 --> 00:38:08,996
You talk too much!
And very important,
687
00:38:09,413 --> 00:38:12,040
I want the time and temperature
four times every 15 minutes.
688
00:38:12,124 --> 00:38:14,001
Not three, Four!
689
00:38:14,835 --> 00:38:16,962
My grandmother died last night.
690
00:38:17,588 --> 00:38:19,882
I spent all night with
her in the hospital.
691
00:38:21,800 --> 00:38:23,844
She... She had a car accident.
692
00:38:25,721 --> 00:38:30,058
By the way, uh, 6:45,
temperature is 58 degrees.
693
00:38:31,143 --> 00:38:33,353
Anyway, her head went
through the windshield...
694
00:38:33,437 --> 00:38:35,117
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...
695
00:38:41,278 --> 00:38:43,447
I want you back, I love you...
696
00:38:43,572 --> 00:38:45,407
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
697
00:38:52,706 --> 00:38:55,792
HOWARD: I had, like, no listeners,
and the couple of listeners I did have
698
00:38:55,876 --> 00:38:58,962
would call in and tell me how
bad I sucked on a regular basis.
699
00:38:59,379 --> 00:39:02,099
Although, I did manage to convince
one of them to be my weather lady.
700
00:39:02,216 --> 00:39:04,885
Irene, the weather girl.
Irene, are you there?
701
00:39:04,968 --> 00:39:07,304
It's cold. Real cold.
702
00:39:07,387 --> 00:39:11,600
But your ass is gonna be plenty hot
when I give you a good hard butt-whipping.
703
00:39:11,725 --> 00:39:12,935
Tongue.
704
00:39:13,060 --> 00:39:14,895
What do you think about that?
705
00:39:14,978 --> 00:39:16,664
Turns you on, doesn't
it, you little maggot?
706
00:39:16,688 --> 00:39:17,773
Yeah.
707
00:39:17,856 --> 00:39:19,775
Irene, thank you for
the weather forecast.
708
00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:20,901
Shut up.
709
00:39:20,984 --> 00:39:22,962
We hope to hear from you
tomorrow. Give us some more weather.
710
00:39:22,986 --> 00:39:24,446
Bite me, you loser!
711
00:39:34,164 --> 00:39:35,791
You shaved your mustache.
712
00:39:38,335 --> 00:39:39,545
Jesus, Alison!
713
00:39:41,755 --> 00:39:44,800
It's great to see you.
Al, I miss you so much.
714
00:39:44,925 --> 00:39:46,593
I'm feeling so
miserable since you left.
715
00:39:46,677 --> 00:39:48,804
I'm just so uncomfortable
in this Detroit... I'm...
716
00:39:48,929 --> 00:39:53,183
Howard, I'm willing to believe
you didn't sleep with that girl, okay?
717
00:39:53,267 --> 00:39:56,728
I understand you're a somewhat abnormal
person with a somewhat abnormal job.
718
00:39:56,812 --> 00:39:58,021
That I can accept.
719
00:39:58,146 --> 00:39:59,746
I deal with abnormality
every single day.
720
00:39:59,773 --> 00:40:01,775
I don't need everything
in my life to be normal.
721
00:40:01,900 --> 00:40:04,111
And on the air, you do
what you do, that's your job.
722
00:40:04,194 --> 00:40:06,863
But off the air, for me
to be in this marriage,
723
00:40:08,657 --> 00:40:10,742
I need to know I'm the only one.
724
00:40:10,826 --> 00:40:12,536
And I am not saying
that to pressure you.
725
00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:15,539
I'm saying it because it's just
something I know about myself.
726
00:40:16,373 --> 00:40:18,709
So, if you need more
time or whatever...
727
00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:20,419
I don't need any more time.
728
00:40:21,211 --> 00:40:24,673
I'm just so madly in
love with you. I don't...
729
00:40:25,382 --> 00:40:28,194
I don't need anyone else in my life. I
never wanted anyone else in my life.
730
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:29,886
All I want is you.
731
00:40:30,345 --> 00:40:32,306
I just want you to forgive me.
732
00:40:37,644 --> 00:40:39,438
Thanks for coming back.
733
00:40:39,813 --> 00:40:40,814
Wow.
734
00:40:45,235 --> 00:40:47,112
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.
735
00:40:47,195 --> 00:40:48,298
HOWARD: isn't Alison amazing?
736
00:40:48,322 --> 00:40:49,948
She's in town, like, two minutes
737
00:40:50,032 --> 00:40:52,784
and already she's got a job
working with a bunch of wackos.
738
00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:56,538
Excuse me.
"Mentally challenged."
739
00:40:56,705 --> 00:40:58,290
Nice day, huh?
740
00:40:59,374 --> 00:41:00,792
What can I do to help here?
741
00:41:00,876 --> 00:41:04,212
- Well, I'm gonna set up lunch...
- Okay.
742
00:41:04,296 --> 00:41:06,214
And you can play
Frisbee with the guys.
743
00:41:07,549 --> 00:41:09,509
Start again. Here we go.
744
00:41:09,593 --> 00:41:10,594
Oh.
745
00:41:10,802 --> 00:41:12,095
I'm so sorry.
746
00:41:12,179 --> 00:41:15,515
Listen. What you gotta do is
you gotta put this hand up, okay?
747
00:41:15,682 --> 00:41:17,601
You gotta try and
catch it, okay?
748
00:41:17,684 --> 00:41:20,395
Here we go. Ready?
749
00:41:23,398 --> 00:41:24,983
I'm so sorry.
750
00:41:26,193 --> 00:41:27,444
You know what we're gonna do?
751
00:41:28,737 --> 00:41:30,447
Just tell me that
you're ready. Ready?
752
00:41:30,530 --> 00:41:31,948
(STAMMERS) Yes.
753
00:41:33,742 --> 00:41:36,453
- Howard! Howard!
- Marvin.
754
00:41:37,162 --> 00:41:40,957
I was hoping I'd find you here. I
have some very exciting news...
755
00:41:41,166 --> 00:41:42,793
- Oh. Are you all right?
- Yes.
756
00:41:43,001 --> 00:41:44,169
- Yeah.
- That was good.
757
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:46,463
Just wait till
somebody looks, okay?
758
00:41:47,214 --> 00:41:51,635
Hoo. Uh... We decided that
Detroit has too many rock stations,
759
00:41:51,718 --> 00:41:54,096
so starting tomorrow
we're starting a new format,
760
00:41:54,179 --> 00:41:55,972
and it'll give us
a real great edge.
761
00:41:58,433 --> 00:41:59,768
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)
762
00:42:00,310 --> 00:42:01,978
(SINGER YODELING)
763
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,699
Howdy, cowpokes.
764
00:42:13,907 --> 00:42:15,760
Uh, I know I shouldn't be
interrupting in the middle of a song,
765
00:42:15,784 --> 00:42:16,785
but I gotta tell you,
766
00:42:16,993 --> 00:42:21,498
I know a lot of you love this music,
but I don't get it. Explain it to me.
767
00:42:22,040 --> 00:42:24,918
Maybe it's 'cause I went to
college, and I never drove a truck,
768
00:42:25,127 --> 00:42:27,713
or had sex with my
daddy's sister, but...
769
00:42:28,672 --> 00:42:32,342
I guess what I'm saying is, I, I
don't think I'm the man for this job.
770
00:42:33,218 --> 00:42:36,179
So this is your old pal,
Hopalong Howie, saying I quit.
771
00:42:36,263 --> 00:42:37,514
I... I think I quit.
772
00:42:37,681 --> 00:42:39,307
(YODELING CONTINUES)
773
00:42:54,614 --> 00:42:55,949
What?
774
00:42:56,450 --> 00:42:57,743
Nothing.
775
00:43:00,746 --> 00:43:01,747
(DOOR CLOSES)
776
00:43:08,670 --> 00:43:11,631
- What is it?
- I feel like such a loser.
777
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,551
It's not your fault, it
was a lame station.
778
00:43:14,634 --> 00:43:17,137
Yeah, it was my fault. You
can't blame a radio station.
779
00:43:17,220 --> 00:43:19,139
- It's my screw-up.
- In what way?
780
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:21,767
In the way that I gotta figure
out what I'm going to be.
781
00:43:21,850 --> 00:43:23,578
I mean, I don't want to be
one of these disc jockeys
782
00:43:23,602 --> 00:43:26,313
that runs around the country
looking for work all the time.
783
00:43:26,855 --> 00:43:29,107
I don't want to end
up like that. It's so sad.
784
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:31,526
It's so apparent to me
now what I should be doing.
785
00:43:31,651 --> 00:43:34,821
I should be talking about my
personal life. I've got to get intimate.
786
00:43:35,697 --> 00:43:37,866
And every time I feel like
I shouldn't say something,
787
00:43:37,949 --> 00:43:39,951
maybe I should
say it, just blurt it out.
788
00:43:41,036 --> 00:43:44,790
I just gotta let things
fly. I gotta go all the way.
789
00:43:45,540 --> 00:43:48,376
- You didn't go all the way before?
- No. I mean...
790
00:43:49,002 --> 00:43:51,004
No. A lot of times,
I'm just holding back.
791
00:43:54,633 --> 00:43:56,885
Then I guess you
should go all the way.
792
00:43:59,137 --> 00:44:00,597
Hold the sign nice and low.
793
00:44:00,680 --> 00:44:03,767
Big smiles, look sexy... This is
about Howard coming to Washington.
794
00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:05,018
What's going on here?
795
00:44:05,143 --> 00:44:07,479
- Um, we're shooting a movie.
- Hey, you got a permit?
796
00:44:07,896 --> 00:44:11,858
No, we don't, but it's one line, we'll be
done in a second and out of your way.
797
00:44:11,942 --> 00:44:14,945
You can't be here. You're blocking
the median. You'll have to move.
798
00:44:15,028 --> 00:44:17,113
Um, this is for the
Howard Stern movie.
799
00:44:17,489 --> 00:44:20,700
- Yeah, right. It's his movie.
- You said Howard Stern? Is he here?
800
00:44:20,784 --> 00:44:25,080
- No, he's not in this scene today.
- Grab your coat.
801
00:44:25,163 --> 00:44:27,207
Tsk, give us a break.
It'll take a second.
802
00:44:27,290 --> 00:44:30,126
Just look at the camera and say,
"Howard comes to Washington."
803
00:44:30,502 --> 00:44:32,302
- Howard comes to Washington.
- Hey, let's go!
804
00:44:32,337 --> 00:44:34,589
- Come on!
- Howard's a big fan of the cops.
805
00:44:34,673 --> 00:44:37,384
He loves you guys. We
could've been done by now.
806
00:44:38,426 --> 00:44:41,596
I was hired by an FM
rock station, DC 101,
807
00:44:41,680 --> 00:44:44,140
and that's when I met
the other woman in my life.
808
00:44:44,307 --> 00:44:45,392
Howard?
809
00:44:46,017 --> 00:44:48,562
Hi. I'm Robin Quivers,
your newswoman.
810
00:44:49,688 --> 00:44:52,458
Oh, oh, I'm really looking forward to
working with you. Great to meet you.
811
00:44:52,482 --> 00:44:54,442
- Same here.
- This'll be great.
812
00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:57,445
Okay, I'll just go over
here and work on my script.
813
00:44:58,780 --> 00:45:00,323
I'm almost set.
814
00:45:00,824 --> 00:45:03,493
(CLEARING THROAT)
815
00:45:04,327 --> 00:45:06,621
(SNORTS AND SNIFFS)
816
00:45:06,705 --> 00:45:07,706
(CLEARS THROAT)
817
00:45:08,081 --> 00:45:11,793
DC 101, good morning. This is
Howard Stern. Welcome to the show.
818
00:45:12,252 --> 00:45:16,631
I have a confession to make.
I did not get, uh, laid last night.
819
00:45:16,715 --> 00:45:18,795
In fact, I haven't gotten
laid in a really long time.
820
00:45:21,136 --> 00:45:24,306
Give me a call at DC 101 if
you're having the same problem.
821
00:45:24,389 --> 00:45:27,017
Having trouble with your
woman? I'll help you out.
822
00:45:27,100 --> 00:45:29,227
Let me introduce to my right,
823
00:45:29,311 --> 00:45:31,438
my beautiful new
newswoman, Robin Quivers,
824
00:45:31,521 --> 00:45:35,609
who looks so beautiful I'm sure she
has none of these sexual problems.
825
00:45:35,984 --> 00:45:40,030
But I must tell you
my life is very odd.
826
00:45:40,113 --> 00:45:41,781
I get hornier and hornier.
827
00:45:41,865 --> 00:45:44,326
My wife comes home
from work, goes to sleep,
828
00:45:44,409 --> 00:45:46,745
the whole week goes
by, she never gets horny.
829
00:45:46,828 --> 00:45:50,582
Robin, as a woman, what
is it? Do women get horny?
830
00:45:57,047 --> 00:45:58,673
Sometimes.
831
00:45:59,257 --> 00:46:02,802
- Why's he talking to his newsperson?
- I'll have him stop.
832
00:46:03,011 --> 00:46:04,512
What about you specifically?
833
00:46:04,596 --> 00:46:07,766
When is the last time
that you were with a man...
834
00:46:08,767 --> 00:46:10,101
sexually?
835
00:46:11,519 --> 00:46:12,771
About a year.
836
00:46:13,813 --> 00:46:16,066
- You're serious? A year?
- Yeah.
837
00:46:16,274 --> 00:46:18,777
A year, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone more pathetic than me.
838
00:46:18,860 --> 00:46:21,420
This is good. We're getting
somewhere. This is a good discussion.
839
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:25,867
Uh, you know, I bought a
book, How to Score with Babes.
840
00:46:26,076 --> 00:46:28,244
Listen to what it says, I
think it's rather revealing.
841
00:46:28,328 --> 00:46:30,705
"When attempting
to score with a babe,
842
00:46:30,789 --> 00:46:32,666
make sure to wear tight pants.
843
00:46:32,874 --> 00:46:37,003
If necessary, stuff a semi-rigid
large object into your pants,
844
00:46:37,087 --> 00:46:39,673
to create the appearance
of having a large penis.
845
00:46:39,798 --> 00:46:42,509
Women like large penis."
Don't give me that look.
846
00:46:42,592 --> 00:46:43,843
Did he say "penis"?
847
00:46:43,927 --> 00:46:47,681
I know about this stuff. I have
no bulge. I have a small penis.
848
00:46:47,764 --> 00:46:51,685
- I've never told anyone this before.
- I don't think you should start now.
849
00:46:51,768 --> 00:46:54,104
Well, I've done it. Now
the cat's out of the bag.
850
00:46:54,187 --> 00:46:55,313
But it's a good book.
851
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:59,317
The author has slept with over
16,000 women, and, uh, take it from him,
852
00:46:59,401 --> 00:47:01,820
he says, "Wear tight pants."
853
00:47:02,028 --> 00:47:06,825
If he's slept with 16,000 women, he
wouldn't have time to put on pants.
854
00:47:07,867 --> 00:47:09,995
That is true, too. I
didn't consider that.
855
00:47:10,078 --> 00:47:12,598
Why don't you give me a call at
DC 101 if you want to talk about this.
856
00:47:12,622 --> 00:47:14,624
We'll be back right
after these words.
857
00:47:17,544 --> 00:47:20,130
You're a genius. That was great.
858
00:47:20,213 --> 00:47:23,383
- That was interesting.
- Didn't that feel good? That was great.
859
00:47:23,842 --> 00:47:25,719
You say whatever you want.
860
00:47:26,302 --> 00:47:28,430
You have carte blanche.
861
00:47:28,638 --> 00:47:32,100
You and Robin must not
talk to each other on the air.
862
00:47:32,183 --> 00:47:34,477
Don't sing along with the music.
863
00:47:34,561 --> 00:47:35,705
You know what else you could do?
864
00:47:35,729 --> 00:47:37,373
I'd like you to memorize the
names of the local schools.
865
00:47:37,397 --> 00:47:41,026
And don't criticize Washington,
it's not good for ratings.
866
00:47:41,359 --> 00:47:44,738
Now, if you'll excuse us, we'd like
to talk to Robin alone for a second.
867
00:47:44,821 --> 00:47:45,822
Wait. I wanted...
868
00:47:45,905 --> 00:47:47,133
You know what I
want you to do for me,
869
00:47:47,157 --> 00:47:48,877
is to make up a grid
of all your comedy bits
870
00:47:48,950 --> 00:47:50,011
and the corresponding
days of the week,
871
00:47:50,035 --> 00:47:52,996
so that I'll know on which
day you'll be doing which bit.
872
00:47:53,079 --> 00:47:54,849
I told you I work
spontaneously... I think that I...
873
00:47:54,873 --> 00:47:55,874
We'll talk about it.
874
00:48:02,130 --> 00:48:05,967
Robin, don't encourage him.
He's better when he's toned down.
875
00:48:07,010 --> 00:48:09,637
We need you to be a friend here.
876
00:48:10,764 --> 00:48:13,516
- I'll see what I can do.
- Great.
877
00:48:14,434 --> 00:48:16,770
- I appreciate it, Robin.
- Okay. Thanks.
878
00:48:19,439 --> 00:48:21,066
I think we should separate them.
879
00:48:21,274 --> 00:48:25,236
Orioles over the Red Sox 3-2,
extending their winning streak to seven.
880
00:48:25,445 --> 00:48:27,655
And finally, today
is Memorial Day.
881
00:48:27,864 --> 00:48:31,284
Sunny skies and warm temperatures
for veterans marching in parades
882
00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:32,911
across the metropolitan area.
883
00:48:33,119 --> 00:48:36,039
Highs today in the
70s. It's 58 degrees...
884
00:48:36,206 --> 00:48:39,626
You know, Robin, let me interrupt.
I'm glad you brought up Memorial Day.
885
00:48:39,834 --> 00:48:42,378
I was in Vietnam. I'd
like to talk to you about it.
886
00:48:43,379 --> 00:48:48,093
I had 11 kills in Vietnam,
and I should've had more.
887
00:48:48,510 --> 00:48:51,614
Officially, I should've had more kills.
Let me tell you what I'm talking about.
888
00:48:51,638 --> 00:48:54,057
I was in a gook village, and
I come upon a schoolhouse.
889
00:48:54,140 --> 00:48:57,977
So I grab one of my grenades off my
belt and I throw it into the schoolhouse.
890
00:48:58,728 --> 00:49:02,315
I blow up the whole damn thing.
So I'm counting all the bodies...
891
00:49:02,398 --> 00:49:04,567
You threw a grenade
into a school?
892
00:49:05,193 --> 00:49:06,545
That's exactly
what I'm telling you.
893
00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:10,824
I must've killed 200 kids.
My dickhead lieutenant says,
894
00:49:11,032 --> 00:49:13,993
"Stern, those are little kids.
That counts as one person."
895
00:49:14,077 --> 00:49:18,540
Howard, I was in the military, I was a
captain in the air force. What were you?
896
00:49:19,207 --> 00:49:21,584
- What was I?
- Yeah, what were you?
897
00:49:21,668 --> 00:49:23,628
- What were you again?
- I was a captain.
898
00:49:23,711 --> 00:49:26,840
- That's what I was, a captain!
- And what were you in?
899
00:49:27,924 --> 00:49:30,468
- I was in Vietnam!
- Ugh. Army? Navy?
900
00:49:30,552 --> 00:49:32,554
- In the army.
- Did you have a division?
901
00:49:33,471 --> 00:49:36,558
- 103rd.
- 103rd what?
902
00:49:36,641 --> 00:49:41,229
I was in the 103rd... I don't know
what I was in, Robin. I was in the 103rd.
903
00:49:41,312 --> 00:49:45,483
The point of this is that I
think a kill is a kill is a kill,
904
00:49:45,567 --> 00:49:47,902
and killing a kid should
be just as good as an adult.
905
00:49:47,986 --> 00:49:52,574
I suppose even if you're killing
children, they should count them.
906
00:49:52,657 --> 00:49:55,535
I got some music
for you now. DC 101.
907
00:49:55,618 --> 00:49:56,619
(ROBIN CHUCKLES)
908
00:49:56,786 --> 00:49:57,787
Ha-ha!
909
00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:01,183
You're not even old enough
to have been in Vietnam.
910
00:50:01,207 --> 00:50:02,959
- Duh.
- (ROBIN CHUCKLES)
911
00:50:03,960 --> 00:50:08,047
I couldn't sit and not say something.
I knew they told me not to talk.
912
00:50:08,256 --> 00:50:11,009
I knew I'd get
into trouble if I did,
913
00:50:11,426 --> 00:50:17,056
but he was onto something, and I
knew there was something going on there.
914
00:50:17,891 --> 00:50:19,767
And I just went for it.
915
00:50:22,061 --> 00:50:27,650
This just came from the FCC.
Did you say "testicles" on the air?
916
00:50:27,859 --> 00:50:30,069
Screw the FCC, we
just lost Muffler Man.
917
00:50:30,153 --> 00:50:31,213
Hold on. We have
a real problem here.
918
00:50:31,237 --> 00:50:34,908
- I'm just trying to get ratings.
- I'm just trying to run a radio station!
919
00:50:34,991 --> 00:50:38,494
I understand that, and sponsors
are there once you get the ratings.
920
00:50:38,578 --> 00:50:39,621
It's a very big problem.
921
00:50:39,704 --> 00:50:43,541
- They'll be lining up, ten in a row.
- Listen to me, you stupid asshole.
922
00:50:43,625 --> 00:50:46,961
Radio is a business, and
you've cost us $40,000.
923
00:50:48,004 --> 00:50:50,131
If I do a lame show,
it's never gonna take off.
924
00:50:50,215 --> 00:50:52,133
I'm calm. I am perfectly calm.
925
00:50:52,592 --> 00:50:55,011
DC Carpet canceled
because of him.
926
00:50:55,845 --> 00:50:58,932
- He's gotta go.
- Can we sit down and talk?
927
00:50:59,015 --> 00:51:02,560
I just want to say one thing. I
think the show's startin' to take off.
928
00:51:02,644 --> 00:51:04,163
There's a buzz on
the street about it,
929
00:51:04,187 --> 00:51:06,231
and if we give it a
chance, take some time,
930
00:51:06,314 --> 00:51:08,233
everything will be okay.
931
00:51:08,691 --> 00:51:10,235
Don't push your luck, Howard.
932
00:51:11,110 --> 00:51:14,656
ROBIN LEACH: The countdown to our Live-
Life-Like-A-Millionaire Sweepstakes...
933
00:51:16,241 --> 00:51:18,701
- Hey.
- Hey, honey.
934
00:51:18,785 --> 00:51:21,537
Robin Leach says we
should move to Antigua.
935
00:51:21,621 --> 00:51:22,622
Oh, yeah?
936
00:51:22,705 --> 00:51:25,667
Come on, hurry up.
Snap to it, I'm ovulating.
937
00:51:26,751 --> 00:51:29,420
I'm in the middle of
important show research.
938
00:51:29,504 --> 00:51:32,340
Howard. Seriously, come on.
939
00:51:32,423 --> 00:51:34,217
You know what?
You're getting baby fever.
940
00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:35,718
Maybe it's premature,
941
00:51:35,802 --> 00:51:38,113
I'm about three days away
from getting fired, the way I figure.
942
00:51:38,137 --> 00:51:40,932
And you gotta think about
the economics of this.
943
00:51:41,140 --> 00:51:42,660
You're the best morning
man in the history of radio,
944
00:51:42,684 --> 00:51:44,018
any minute you'll be number one.
945
00:51:44,143 --> 00:51:45,270
- Is that so?
- Yeah, strip!
946
00:51:45,353 --> 00:51:48,815
Look at yourself. You're on fire about
having a baby, you don't understand,
947
00:51:49,023 --> 00:51:52,193
I'm not a piece of meat.
I have to be romanced.
948
00:51:52,277 --> 00:51:54,195
Oh, yeah? Please!
949
00:51:54,862 --> 00:51:57,282
Ooh. Look at that bra.
Where did you get that?
950
00:51:57,365 --> 00:51:58,366
You like this?
951
00:51:58,449 --> 00:52:01,619
Okay, that's it! I
am making a baby!
952
00:52:01,703 --> 00:52:05,665
It's baby time! I'm ready
to give you a baby. Hold on.
953
00:52:08,835 --> 00:52:13,214
Now I'm hot. Now I actually want
to have sex. I didn't before, now I do.
954
00:52:13,298 --> 00:52:15,025
ANNOUNCER ON TV: Lifestyles
of the Rich and Famous...
955
00:52:15,049 --> 00:52:16,843
Robin, watch this.
956
00:52:22,223 --> 00:52:23,224
What am I doing?
957
00:52:23,599 --> 00:52:25,268
Uh, having a seizure?
958
00:52:26,102 --> 00:52:27,395
No, that's not a seizure.
959
00:52:27,478 --> 00:52:29,915
That's me dancing because I'm
happy 'cause I got laid last night.
960
00:52:29,939 --> 00:52:30,940
Oh!
961
00:52:31,024 --> 00:52:35,194
Yeah, I really did. Fact, it was not for
lust it was 'cause I was making a kid.
962
00:52:35,278 --> 00:52:36,279
Oh.
963
00:52:36,362 --> 00:52:38,990
Fact, my wife's
eggs are very old,
964
00:52:39,073 --> 00:52:43,036
but my sperm is super sperm, so I'm
sure everything was delivered in one shot.
965
00:52:43,244 --> 00:52:47,373
- Oh, yeah. Your sperm are fine.
- My sperm are fantastic! I'm fantastic.
966
00:52:47,457 --> 00:52:50,376
I'm in a good mood, let's take some
phone calls and see what's doing.
967
00:52:50,460 --> 00:52:52,754
- Okay.
- Hi, you're on the air.
968
00:52:53,171 --> 00:52:55,506
- WOMAN: Hi, is this Howard Stern?
- This is Howard.
969
00:52:55,590 --> 00:52:58,230
Oh, whoa. Anyway, I was calling
'cause I have a really big problem.
970
00:52:58,301 --> 00:52:59,302
What's your problem?
971
00:52:59,385 --> 00:53:02,597
Well, every morning, I lie in bed and
the only thing I can do is think of you.
972
00:53:02,680 --> 00:53:05,516
Oh, really? Well, let's see if we
can help you with your problem.
973
00:53:05,600 --> 00:53:06,601
What do you look like?
974
00:53:06,768 --> 00:53:10,313
Well, I've got blonde
hair, I've got blue eyes,
975
00:53:10,396 --> 00:53:13,733
and my measurements
are about 38-24-34.
976
00:53:13,858 --> 00:53:16,736
Some people tell me I look
a lot like Farrah Fawcett.
977
00:53:17,278 --> 00:53:19,280
I can help you. Robin,
I can help this girl.
978
00:53:19,364 --> 00:53:21,050
You know, we have the
most beautiful audience.
979
00:53:21,074 --> 00:53:23,743
We certainly do. We're
very fortunate that way.
980
00:53:23,951 --> 00:53:27,372
To solve your problem, I'm gonna
have sex with you over the radio.
981
00:53:27,914 --> 00:53:32,126
- WOMAN: How are we gonna do that?
- It's simple. I've thought this through.
982
00:53:32,210 --> 00:53:36,589
First, are you listening to us on a
transistor radio or a big sound system?
983
00:53:36,798 --> 00:53:38,716
WOMAN: I have one of
those big sound system.
984
00:53:38,800 --> 00:53:41,386
Good. Okay. Turn
the treble down,
985
00:53:41,469 --> 00:53:43,388
and put the bass all the way up.
986
00:53:44,305 --> 00:53:46,933
The treble's down and
the bass is up. Got it.
987
00:53:47,016 --> 00:53:48,619
HOWARD: Take your
speaker. You got a big speaker?
988
00:53:48,643 --> 00:53:49,644
Yes, I do.
989
00:53:49,727 --> 00:53:54,023
All right. Lay it flat on the floor
and sort of straddle the speaker.
990
00:53:54,107 --> 00:53:55,691
- Howard!
- WOMAN: Do what?
991
00:53:55,775 --> 00:53:58,945
A woman cannot be
aroused in that way.
992
00:53:59,028 --> 00:54:01,382
HOWARD: This is where you're
wrong, Robin. You're absolutely wrong.
993
00:54:01,406 --> 00:54:05,243
In fact, my father was a radio engineer
and he proved this theory years ago.
994
00:54:05,326 --> 00:54:07,036
You've got to believe.
995
00:54:07,161 --> 00:54:10,373
Now, what I need you to do is, put
your private area over the woofer.
996
00:54:10,456 --> 00:54:11,558
WOMAN: I can't believe
you're making me do this.
997
00:54:11,582 --> 00:54:12,583
HOWARD: Come on, do it.
998
00:54:12,667 --> 00:54:14,627
Right up against it
so you can feel me.
999
00:54:19,507 --> 00:54:20,967
- I'm on.
- HOWARD: Good.
1000
00:54:21,175 --> 00:54:22,903
- ROBIN: I have to ask her a question.
- Yeah.
1001
00:54:22,927 --> 00:54:26,472
What kind of a woman are you
to have sex this way on the radio?
1002
00:54:26,681 --> 00:54:28,450
Don't answer that question.
Bad question, Robin.
1003
00:54:28,474 --> 00:54:30,194
- (GIGGLES)
- You'll ruin this woman's mood.
1004
00:54:30,268 --> 00:54:31,769
She might start second-guessing.
1005
00:54:31,853 --> 00:54:34,939
- Are you ready to have sex?
- WOMAN: (GIGGLING) Oh, my God.
1006
00:54:35,064 --> 00:54:36,691
(HUMMING)
1007
00:54:38,860 --> 00:54:39,861
Ooh!
1008
00:54:41,446 --> 00:54:42,447
(HUMS)
1009
00:54:42,780 --> 00:54:43,781
Oohh!
1010
00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,284
Ooh. It kind of tingles.
1011
00:54:46,826 --> 00:54:48,786
See? It tingles. She likes it.
1012
00:54:48,870 --> 00:54:50,788
- See?
- Yeah, sure!
1013
00:54:50,955 --> 00:54:51,956
(HUMS)
1014
00:54:53,875 --> 00:54:55,877
Ohh! Oh...
1015
00:54:56,627 --> 00:54:57,628
(HOWARD HUMMING)
1016
00:54:59,005 --> 00:55:00,423
She's full of it.
1017
00:55:00,715 --> 00:55:02,633
- (WOMAN MOANS)
- (HOWARD HUMS)
1018
00:55:03,092 --> 00:55:08,264
Aahh! Ohh! Oh, God! Oh!
1019
00:55:08,347 --> 00:55:11,267
- Listen to her, Robin, she's going wild.
- You got me moaning.
1020
00:55:11,726 --> 00:55:13,269
(MOANS)
1021
00:55:13,728 --> 00:55:15,188
(HUMMING)
1022
00:55:15,980 --> 00:55:18,065
- (WOMAN MOANS)
- (HOWARD HUMS)
1023
00:55:26,365 --> 00:55:28,159
Oh, my goodness.
1024
00:55:32,497 --> 00:55:33,956
(LAUGHS)
1025
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:35,666
This is the best sex I ever had!
1026
00:55:36,667 --> 00:55:39,337
- Ooh. Standing ovation. Thank you.
- ROBIN: Oh, boy.
1027
00:55:39,545 --> 00:55:41,047
Take your bows.
1028
00:55:42,215 --> 00:55:46,427
A woman on the air had an
orgasm. Have you lost your mind?
1029
00:55:46,511 --> 00:55:48,947
But you have got to admit, it was
funny bit. The audience loved it.
1030
00:55:48,971 --> 00:55:50,306
We just lost Stereo City.
1031
00:55:50,431 --> 00:55:52,975
This is not Muffler Man, guy.
This is Stereo fucking City!
1032
00:55:53,059 --> 00:55:54,939
Dee Dee, do you know
there'll be other sponsors.
1033
00:55:54,977 --> 00:55:57,738
No, there's not. Howard, 'cause
your career is over. You are finished.
1034
00:55:57,813 --> 00:56:00,650
- Come on! how can you say that?
- Dee Dee! I don't believe it.
1035
00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,276
- What's the matter?
- He's up.
1036
00:56:03,569 --> 00:56:06,572
- He's up?
- In the new ratings book, two points.
1037
00:56:06,781 --> 00:56:10,284
- I love you.
- Two full points and Pizza Shack called!
1038
00:56:10,493 --> 00:56:12,203
They want to buy
time on the Stern show.
1039
00:56:12,286 --> 00:56:14,455
I love Pizza Shack. I go
to Pizza Shack all the time.
1040
00:56:14,664 --> 00:56:17,344
This is a great time to talk about
putting some money into the show.
1041
00:56:17,542 --> 00:56:20,022
I know a guy out of Hartford who
does voices, he does comedy...
1042
00:56:20,127 --> 00:56:23,089
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.
1043
00:56:23,172 --> 00:56:26,133
I guarantee, we'll go up two full
rating points if you hire this guy.
1044
00:56:26,217 --> 00:56:27,760
This guy must be hot.
1045
00:56:27,843 --> 00:56:30,805
The guy is total
personality. He is electric.
1046
00:56:32,056 --> 00:56:34,850
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1047
00:56:41,107 --> 00:56:44,110
Hey, Rick! How's tricks, buddy?
1048
00:56:44,193 --> 00:56:46,654
I don't know, Fred. I've
been coughing all day.
1049
00:56:46,779 --> 00:56:49,574
I feel I'm about to
cough up a lung.
1050
00:56:49,657 --> 00:56:51,200
(COUGH)
1051
00:56:52,159 --> 00:56:53,578
Waaa!
1052
00:56:53,661 --> 00:56:56,455
BOTH: Oh, no, it's Lucy!
1053
00:57:04,463 --> 00:57:06,663
HOWARD: Thank you. Thank
you very much. I appreciate it.
1054
00:57:06,841 --> 00:57:09,051
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
1055
00:57:14,098 --> 00:57:16,698
HOWARD: Once the three of us
were together, everything felt right,
1056
00:57:17,351 --> 00:57:18,579
I mean, things really
started to take off
1057
00:57:18,603 --> 00:57:20,980
It's then that I made
a startling discovery.
1058
00:57:21,063 --> 00:57:22,189
She's a very beautiful girl.
1059
00:57:22,315 --> 00:57:24,483
You're telling me this
beautiful woman is a lesbian?
1060
00:57:24,567 --> 00:57:26,652
HOWARD: Lesbians equal ratings.
1061
00:57:26,861 --> 00:57:31,657
Let me say something. I am the hero of
the lesbian community, am I not, Robin?
1062
00:57:31,741 --> 00:57:34,035
- I guess you are.
- I absolutely am.
1063
00:57:34,118 --> 00:57:35,661
Alright, now, let's get into it.
1064
00:57:35,745 --> 00:57:39,957
Julie, tell us about your
first lesbianic experience.
1065
00:57:40,041 --> 00:57:41,042
Okay.
1066
00:57:41,125 --> 00:57:43,753
Tell me about the secret
world of lesbian sex.
1067
00:57:43,836 --> 00:57:46,714
- Well, Howard, I was 18.
- Oh, you were so young.
1068
00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:48,257
Right, and I was working
1069
00:57:48,341 --> 00:57:49,800
- at a summer camp.
- Yes.
1070
00:57:49,884 --> 00:57:55,264
And I was lying in my bunk when
the camp director's wife walked in.
1071
00:57:55,348 --> 00:57:57,099
Ooh, now, that's hot.
1072
00:57:57,183 --> 00:57:58,893
Uh, everyone was asleep,
1073
00:57:58,976 --> 00:58:01,771
and I'm lying in my bunk and
she sees me looking at her.
1074
00:58:01,979 --> 00:58:03,019
HOWARD: Then what happens?
1075
00:58:03,064 --> 00:58:04,944
JULIE: She, like, signals
for me to go with her.
1076
00:58:05,066 --> 00:58:07,586
HOWARD: What are you sleeping
in? 'Cause this is what I picture.
1077
00:58:07,693 --> 00:58:10,488
Little cotton panties,
and a tight little undershirt.
1078
00:58:10,696 --> 00:58:15,117
- No, I'm wearing my baby doll pajamas.
- Oh, you tease.
1079
00:58:15,326 --> 00:58:18,454
JULIE: So then she
takes me into this tent.
1080
00:58:18,663 --> 00:58:21,457
And when you walk in,
lesbians all over the place, right?
1081
00:58:21,540 --> 00:58:23,959
A whole lesbian
sex festival, right?
1082
00:58:24,043 --> 00:58:26,879
(JULIE CHUCKLES)
Oh, you know it, Howard.
1083
00:58:26,962 --> 00:58:29,382
MAN: Howard? Howard?
1084
00:58:29,590 --> 00:58:31,926
"Alison on line
three. It is important."
1085
00:58:32,134 --> 00:58:35,137
Do you believe this? In the middle of
Lesbian Dating Game, my wife calls in!
1086
00:58:35,221 --> 00:58:36,681
ROBIN: Maybe she wants to play!
1087
00:58:36,764 --> 00:58:39,350
Honey? You want to play the
game? You want a date with Julie?
1088
00:58:39,558 --> 00:58:42,186
- Am I on the air?
- Yes, honey, of course you're on air.
1089
00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:44,188
I told them I wanted
to talk to you off the air.
1090
00:58:44,271 --> 00:58:46,667
But, honey, you're in the middle of
interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.
1091
00:58:46,691 --> 00:58:48,442
You've got to tell everyone.
1092
00:58:48,567 --> 00:58:51,213
My audience wants to know why
you're interrupting. Don't you, Robin?
1093
00:58:51,237 --> 00:58:55,366
- I think we deserve to.
- Yes, honey... uh-oh, Al?
1094
00:58:55,574 --> 00:58:57,326
- I think she's gone.
- No.
1095
00:58:57,535 --> 00:59:00,705
- I'm pregnant.
- What?
1096
00:59:00,913 --> 00:59:02,790
I'm pregnant.
1097
00:59:02,998 --> 00:59:04,875
ROBIN: Congratulations, Howard!
1098
00:59:04,959 --> 00:59:06,460
It's my super sperm.
1099
00:59:06,544 --> 00:59:08,671
I knew my super sperm
would do it, Robin.
1100
00:59:08,754 --> 00:59:10,649
- You are so blessed.
- Julie says we're blessed, honey.
1101
00:59:10,673 --> 00:59:12,383
And Julie would
know these things.
1102
00:59:12,508 --> 00:59:13,777
ALISON: Well, I
appreciate her support.
1103
00:59:13,801 --> 00:59:14,841
Can we talk privately now?
1104
00:59:14,885 --> 00:59:16,321
- Absolutely, sweetheart.
- Wait a minute.
1105
00:59:16,345 --> 00:59:18,740
Does she know what she's gonna
have? Is it gonna be a lesbian?
1106
00:59:18,764 --> 00:59:20,433
Oh, please, Robin!
You've gone too far!
1107
00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:22,935
No offense, Julie. Please. I
don't need this aggravation.
1108
00:59:23,060 --> 00:59:25,271
We're gonna take a break.
We'll get back to making out
1109
00:59:25,354 --> 00:59:27,106
with the lesbians
after these words.
1110
00:59:29,567 --> 00:59:31,527
- Hi. I can't believe it.
- ALISON: Hey.
1111
00:59:31,610 --> 00:59:33,770
I know. I can't believe you
made me do that on the air.
1112
00:59:33,863 --> 00:59:35,048
It's so exciting. Did
you call your mother?
1113
00:59:35,072 --> 00:59:36,282
I called, I called.
1114
00:59:36,532 --> 00:59:38,909
I feel so different. Oh,
my God. Oh, my God.
1115
00:59:38,993 --> 00:59:40,953
I know. I'm flipping out, too.
1116
00:59:41,203 --> 00:59:43,456
- I'm somebody's father.
- Oh, my God!
1117
00:59:44,415 --> 00:59:45,475
CROWD: (CHANTING)
Howard! Howard!
1118
00:59:45,499 --> 00:59:46,560
REPORTER: Love him or hate him,
1119
00:59:46,584 --> 00:59:48,627
unconventional disc
jockey, Howard Stern,
1120
00:59:48,711 --> 00:59:50,504
jumped to the top
of the ratings today,
1121
00:59:50,588 --> 00:59:53,174
making him number one
in Greater Washington.
1122
00:59:53,257 --> 00:59:56,260
HOWARD ON TV: I took a dump of a
radio station and we returned it to glory!
1123
00:59:56,469 --> 00:59:59,013
HOWARD: I look like Hitler.
1124
00:59:59,221 --> 01:00:01,307
I was thrilled,
totally overjoyed.
1125
01:00:01,390 --> 01:00:03,190
I mean, we were going
to have our first child.
1126
01:00:03,267 --> 01:00:05,227
And six weeks later,
the new ratings came out.
1127
01:00:05,311 --> 01:00:07,229
We destroyed every
other station in the market.
1128
01:00:07,313 --> 01:00:09,190
My life was perfect.
1129
01:00:09,523 --> 01:00:13,152
I'm gonna grab this
guy's hat. If they show it.
1130
01:00:17,239 --> 01:00:19,575
HOWARD ON TV: I'll
tell you another thing...
1131
01:00:19,658 --> 01:00:23,037
Look, watch this. You'll
miss it. Come here.
1132
01:00:23,120 --> 01:00:27,166
HOWARD ON TV: I am Officer
Howie, and there's a new law in town.
1133
01:00:27,291 --> 01:00:28,292
We're taking it over.
1134
01:00:29,710 --> 01:00:31,003
ALISON: How?
1135
01:00:31,086 --> 01:00:32,087
HOWARD ON TV: I love you.
1136
01:00:32,171 --> 01:00:33,172
(CROWD CHANTING)
1137
01:00:34,882 --> 01:00:36,592
Al, you okay?
1138
01:00:37,301 --> 01:00:38,886
I think something's wrong.
1139
01:00:39,637 --> 01:00:41,388
Even if I put you
in the hospital,
1140
01:00:41,472 --> 01:00:44,725
and I pumped you full of
every medication possible,
1141
01:00:44,809 --> 01:00:47,144
you still would've
lost the pregnancy.
1142
01:00:59,824 --> 01:01:03,035
Your body rejected what was
going on, and that's healthy.
1143
01:01:03,160 --> 01:01:04,703
It's such a good
way to look at it.
1144
01:01:04,829 --> 01:01:05,972
And you know in
a couple of months,
1145
01:01:05,996 --> 01:01:08,391
we're gonna try to have a baby again,
and everything's going to go great.
1146
01:01:08,415 --> 01:01:10,769
And you're gonna be totally
confident that everything's going good
1147
01:01:10,793 --> 01:01:14,338
because you know your body
would reject it if it wasn't going right...
1148
01:01:15,631 --> 01:01:16,841
You know?
1149
01:01:19,802 --> 01:01:22,137
I have to tell my parents.
1150
01:01:23,639 --> 01:01:26,141
Not really. You don't
have to tell your parents.
1151
01:01:26,559 --> 01:01:27,810
You know what you could do?
1152
01:01:30,437 --> 01:01:33,858
I didn't wanna tell you this. I
took a Polaroid of the toilet.
1153
01:01:34,567 --> 01:01:39,154
We can mail them a picture, and
they can walk around Florida saying,
1154
01:01:39,363 --> 01:01:40,364
"This is our grandchild."
1155
01:01:40,447 --> 01:01:42,950
And your mother will be so
happy, she just wants pictures.
1156
01:01:43,033 --> 01:01:45,136
She just wants pictures to
show her friends. You know that.
1157
01:01:45,160 --> 01:01:48,414
She just wants to be like all the
other yentas who walk around.
1158
01:01:48,622 --> 01:01:52,626
You know, we could name the baby
and everything. Clompy, Clompy Stern.
1159
01:01:52,835 --> 01:01:56,922
She could walk around with your
father and little Clompy pictures.
1160
01:01:58,048 --> 01:02:02,469
CHOIR: (SINGING) Oh,
the weather Now, here's God
1161
01:02:02,678 --> 01:02:05,598
- Your Holiness? There you are.
- HOWARD AS GOD: Hello, Howard.
1162
01:02:05,806 --> 01:02:08,475
I see your wife
had a miscarriage.
1163
01:02:08,559 --> 01:02:11,061
Aww, don't bring that up, God.
Please, that's way too personal.
1164
01:02:12,021 --> 01:02:15,900
- You tried to have a baby and failed.
- Oh, man!
1165
01:02:15,983 --> 01:02:19,987
- Now the baby is with me.
- Oh, this is cruel.
1166
01:02:20,070 --> 01:02:22,156
Boy, what a loser you are!
1167
01:02:22,239 --> 01:02:24,742
ROBIN: Wow! He's getting
awfully personal this morning.
1168
01:02:24,825 --> 01:02:26,928
Hey, God, me and my wife
are trying to have another baby.
1169
01:02:26,952 --> 01:02:30,456
A real man would've done
it right the first time, Howard.
1170
01:02:30,539 --> 01:02:31,540
Oh, for God's sake.
1171
01:02:31,624 --> 01:02:33,584
It will be pleasant
today, rain tomorrow.
1172
01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:34,668
(BABY CRYING)
1173
01:02:34,752 --> 01:02:39,006
- That's my kid up there.
- This is God with the weather on DC 101.
1174
01:02:39,089 --> 01:02:42,217
You're all wrong, God. You're
completely out of line this morning.
1175
01:02:42,301 --> 01:02:44,386
I don't think we should
be talking about this.
1176
01:02:44,470 --> 01:02:47,890
I went to the doctor with my wife,
and it was an awful experience.
1177
01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:51,644
Because the doctor walks out,
there's your kid, your beautiful child.
1178
01:02:51,727 --> 01:02:53,812
And he is no bigger
than the size of an Aspirin.
1179
01:02:53,896 --> 01:02:56,857
- Howie Jr. No bigger than the Aspirin.
- ROBIN: Was it a boy?
1180
01:02:56,941 --> 01:02:58,901
It was a boy, yes!
1181
01:03:00,069 --> 01:03:03,113
And then, uh, you look at
him in the formaldehyde jar.
1182
01:03:03,197 --> 01:03:07,117
I said to my wife, "Honey,
don't be upset he's in a jar."
1183
01:03:07,201 --> 01:03:09,370
"We'll take him out of this
office and bring him home"
1184
01:03:09,453 --> 01:03:11,413
"and next week take him
to the zoo in a stroller."
1185
01:03:11,538 --> 01:03:14,959
- Oh, please!
- I don't want to talk about it, Robin.
1186
01:03:15,042 --> 01:03:18,712
- I really think you need counseling.
- I'm gonna play a record. DC 101.
1187
01:03:18,796 --> 01:03:23,801
We've got some good tunes for you.
Robin will analyze me when we are back.
1188
01:03:24,009 --> 01:03:25,970
Very sad music.
1189
01:03:26,053 --> 01:03:27,054
(TAPS PLAYS)
1190
01:03:27,137 --> 01:03:31,433
Not that, Fred! Play
something else. For God's sake.
1191
01:03:32,309 --> 01:03:34,687
DC 101, here's
rock 'n' roll for you.
1192
01:03:34,937 --> 01:03:36,605
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1193
01:03:42,486 --> 01:03:45,322
Hi! Al, are you home?
1194
01:03:47,658 --> 01:03:49,743
Hi. How you feeling? You okay?
1195
01:03:49,827 --> 01:03:52,579
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?
1196
01:03:52,705 --> 01:03:55,392
You think it's funny to make jokes
about our personal life like that? Asshole.
1197
01:03:55,416 --> 01:03:57,894
- What are you talking about?
- What do you mean, am I talking about?
1198
01:03:57,918 --> 01:04:01,130
Alison, I love you. What are you
talking about. I'm not trying to hurt you.
1199
01:04:01,380 --> 01:04:04,842
Not everything is for your audience.
I need our life, that belongs to us!
1200
01:04:04,925 --> 01:04:07,362
I'm there five hours a day. I'm
trying to come up with material.
1201
01:04:07,386 --> 01:04:09,430
- I hate going out.
- Too bad!
1202
01:04:09,555 --> 01:04:11,908
I said, when we came here, if
I was going to win on the radio,
1203
01:04:11,932 --> 01:04:14,518
I'd have to talk about
everything. I couldn't hold back.
1204
01:04:14,601 --> 01:04:16,913
Come on. Last night lying in
bed, we were laughing about this.
1205
01:04:16,937 --> 01:04:18,689
I just assumed you
thought it was funny.
1206
01:04:18,772 --> 01:04:21,567
It was funny for us last
night. Privately, for us.
1207
01:04:21,650 --> 01:04:23,294
Alison, if I don't talk about
you and me on the air...
1208
01:04:23,318 --> 01:04:27,072
- Shut up! Shut up!
- We won't make any money!
1209
01:04:27,156 --> 01:04:31,285
Shut up! You disgust me. I
can't even look at you. Idiot!
1210
01:04:35,622 --> 01:04:40,627
It's hard when he shares our
personal details of our life together
1211
01:04:40,711 --> 01:04:43,464
with, you know,
millions of listeners.
1212
01:04:46,341 --> 01:04:49,970
I wish that there were more
things that could be just ours.
1213
01:04:52,347 --> 01:04:55,267
But I think it's right that
I go crazy, you know?
1214
01:04:55,809 --> 01:04:57,853
You know, I think...
1215
01:04:57,936 --> 01:05:01,023
I don't know. It's not simple.
1216
01:05:04,526 --> 01:05:09,114
Our entire Washington radio
audience has disappeared.
1217
01:05:09,323 --> 01:05:14,870
It seems the competition has a
disc jockey that's caused a shift.
1218
01:05:15,537 --> 01:05:20,042
One disc jockey has wiped
out our entire audience?
1219
01:05:21,627 --> 01:05:23,670
Can we get him?
1220
01:05:23,879 --> 01:05:26,799
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.
1221
01:05:26,882 --> 01:05:28,842
- All right. You go first.
- Okay.
1222
01:05:29,051 --> 01:05:31,220
- All right, that's rude, you go first.
- Go first!
1223
01:05:31,303 --> 01:05:32,346
Okay. Listen to this.
1224
01:05:32,429 --> 01:05:34,932
- I listen to radio. I like show.
- Oh, thank you.
1225
01:05:35,140 --> 01:05:39,603
But don't make fun of Chinese
people. Make fun not funny.
1226
01:05:39,812 --> 01:05:41,730
I didn't make fun of the
Chinese people, did I?
1227
01:05:41,814 --> 01:05:42,815
Probably.
1228
01:05:43,023 --> 01:05:45,192
I bring egg rolls.
1229
01:05:46,610 --> 01:05:51,198
- What is your news? What is it?
- It's unbelievable.
1230
01:05:51,406 --> 01:05:53,700
I got a job offer from
WNBC in New York.
1231
01:05:53,909 --> 01:05:59,581
Afternoon Drive, the most powerful
station in the chain, $150,000 a year.
1232
01:05:59,665 --> 01:06:03,544
And they said, if I do well, they'll
syndicate my program over the country.
1233
01:06:04,753 --> 01:06:09,133
This is everything I want.
It's the dream. The Big Apple!
1234
01:06:10,008 --> 01:06:11,385
I'm pregnant.
1235
01:06:13,554 --> 01:06:15,597
You're pregnant?
1236
01:06:16,181 --> 01:06:17,182
Mm-hmm.
1237
01:06:20,936 --> 01:06:23,730
- Come here.
- What?
1238
01:06:23,814 --> 01:06:26,525
- Just come here.
- Oh, my God.
1239
01:06:26,859 --> 01:06:28,402
Pregnant?
1240
01:06:30,237 --> 01:06:31,381
So, what's going on?
What's going to happen?
1241
01:06:31,405 --> 01:06:32,406
Everything's good.
1242
01:06:32,489 --> 01:06:35,159
- Yeah? She's gonna get naked?
- Yeah, sure! Of course!
1243
01:06:35,242 --> 01:06:37,953
All right. Let's get
her out. Let's do it.
1244
01:06:38,036 --> 01:06:39,663
- Okay.
- She'll get naked?
1245
01:06:39,746 --> 01:06:41,623
- Yeah, that's why we're here, man.
- Okay.
1246
01:06:43,542 --> 01:06:46,170
- Okay, honey?
- Hi. How's it going?
1247
01:06:46,336 --> 01:06:47,921
- Hi. Good.
- Hi, Gary.
1248
01:06:48,046 --> 01:06:50,340
- Hi. Good. Good, good.
- How're you doing?
1249
01:06:50,424 --> 01:06:54,052
I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd do
this, but I really changed my mind.
1250
01:06:54,136 --> 01:06:55,470
I don't want to do it anymore.
1251
01:06:55,554 --> 01:06:58,807
Okay. What's, uh, like, what's the
problem? What are you worried about?
1252
01:06:58,891 --> 01:06:59,892
I just changed my mind...
1253
01:06:59,975 --> 01:07:01,286
MAN: What do you
mean? You are doing it!
1254
01:07:01,310 --> 01:07:03,937
I wouldn't drive here for
you to change your mind.
1255
01:07:04,021 --> 01:07:08,775
- It's just very humiliating to me.
- It's not a big deal.
1256
01:07:08,859 --> 01:07:10,485
We've done it a lot on the show.
1257
01:07:10,569 --> 01:07:12,779
And I think Howard would
appreciate if you do it for us.
1258
01:07:12,863 --> 01:07:16,116
No, I just changed
my mind, I'm sorry.
1259
01:07:16,325 --> 01:07:19,036
I know I told you I'd do it,
but now I don't want to do.
1260
01:07:19,119 --> 01:07:20,305
I think it's very humiliating.
1261
01:07:20,329 --> 01:07:23,874
MAN: This is not humiliating, it's
show business. You've a great body.
1262
01:07:23,957 --> 01:07:25,351
- Let everybody see it.
- I mean, you're beautiful...
1263
01:07:25,375 --> 01:07:28,378
You're my husband, don't make
me do something I don't wanna do.
1264
01:07:28,462 --> 01:07:30,339
MAN: I'm proud of you
and I want you to do it
1265
01:07:30,422 --> 01:07:31,983
and that's why we
drove here from Jersey.
1266
01:07:32,007 --> 01:07:35,427
What the hell is this donkey here for?
Nobody said anything about a donkey.
1267
01:07:35,510 --> 01:07:39,431
- MAN: It's a show business donkey!
- It's not part of the act.
1268
01:07:40,182 --> 01:07:41,784
You'll feel at ease
once we go just do it.
1269
01:07:41,808 --> 01:07:43,008
It will just take two seconds.
1270
01:07:43,101 --> 01:07:44,913
Guys, I need to know are
you going to do it or not?
1271
01:07:44,937 --> 01:07:47,606
- Yeah. You are doing it.
- No. I'm not.
1272
01:07:47,689 --> 01:07:49,858
You're my husband,
you should support me!
1273
01:07:50,192 --> 01:07:54,321
Howard goes to New York. Thanks
for nothing, guys. Let the donkey go.
1274
01:07:54,529 --> 01:07:57,491
Come on guys. Wrap it
up, they're not doing it.
1275
01:08:01,036 --> 01:08:03,455
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
1276
01:08:21,265 --> 01:08:23,265
REPORTER: What you're
about to hear will shock you,
1277
01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:25,018
because it's vulgar and obscene.
1278
01:08:25,269 --> 01:08:28,438
It's X-rated radio.
Barnyard radio.
1279
01:08:28,689 --> 01:08:30,691
All of you mommy's
and daddy's out there
1280
01:08:30,857 --> 01:08:33,211
who complained to the station,
I got something to say to you.
1281
01:08:33,235 --> 01:08:35,028
Here. (PASSES GAS)
1282
01:08:35,112 --> 01:08:37,447
REPORTER: This
is a story with a twist.
1283
01:08:37,781 --> 01:08:39,408
While we were
producing this report,
1284
01:08:39,491 --> 01:08:41,368
Howard Stern was lured
away from Washington
1285
01:08:41,451 --> 01:08:43,203
by a New York City station.
1286
01:08:43,287 --> 01:08:46,623
That station? You
guessed it, it's WNBC...
1287
01:08:46,707 --> 01:08:47,708
(TV CLICKS OFF)
1288
01:08:49,167 --> 01:08:54,339
This person is coming to
work at our flagship station?
1289
01:08:54,548 --> 01:08:55,757
Yes.
1290
01:08:55,966 --> 01:08:58,593
Brad, you gave this
trash-talking bastard
1291
01:08:58,677 --> 01:09:00,405
a three-year deal without
hearing him on air?
1292
01:09:00,429 --> 01:09:01,430
Yes, Roger.
1293
01:09:01,513 --> 01:09:03,015
He's on the FCC's
most wanted list!
1294
01:09:03,098 --> 01:09:05,726
Roger, his rate... Chuck,
just show him the numbers.
1295
01:09:05,809 --> 01:09:07,352
Through the roof.
1296
01:09:07,436 --> 01:09:10,689
No, no. Don't bother. You're
fired, all of you! Get out!
1297
01:09:13,984 --> 01:09:15,402
Get out!
1298
01:09:29,666 --> 01:09:32,711
You know, unless he quits,
1299
01:09:32,794 --> 01:09:36,506
it costs half a million dollars
to buy Stern's contract out.
1300
01:09:37,132 --> 01:09:39,092
I reject that on principle.
1301
01:09:39,176 --> 01:09:43,096
Uh, well...
Mr. Erlick, if I may...
1302
01:09:44,765 --> 01:09:48,852
Put me in charge of the Stern
Show. Let me ride herd on him,
1303
01:09:48,935 --> 01:09:51,897
I'll mold that son of a
bitch into another Don Imus.
1304
01:09:51,980 --> 01:09:53,398
When I'm through whipping him,
1305
01:09:53,482 --> 01:09:55,901
the boy will ask
permission to wipe his ass.
1306
01:09:55,984 --> 01:09:58,236
- You want to tame him?
- Yeah.
1307
01:09:58,320 --> 01:10:02,366
Either I'll tame him or I'll
make him so crazy, he'll quit.
1308
01:10:03,408 --> 01:10:05,660
So, either way, we win.
1309
01:10:07,704 --> 01:10:11,875
I tell you, these halls are,
like, legendary. It's pretty wild.
1310
01:10:12,084 --> 01:10:16,463
- Kenny, Howard Stern.
- Hi, how you doing? Great to meet you.
1311
01:10:16,546 --> 01:10:20,384
- It is a pleasure to meet you, Howard.
- What can I say? This is unbelievable.
1312
01:10:20,592 --> 01:10:24,221
Kenny's the hottest young
programmer in New York City.
1313
01:10:24,304 --> 01:10:26,640
Howard, you listen to
him, 'cause he's a genius.
1314
01:10:26,723 --> 01:10:28,350
Come on, now! (CHUCKLES)
1315
01:10:28,433 --> 01:10:32,187
- Play nice.
- Good seeing you. I will see you later.
1316
01:10:32,270 --> 01:10:33,271
He's terrific.
1317
01:10:33,355 --> 01:10:35,416
Oh, yeah, he's been terrific.
Everyone's been so nice.
1318
01:10:35,440 --> 01:10:37,692
- Have a seat.
- Sure. Thanks.
1319
01:10:38,402 --> 01:10:40,737
Oh, Howard, Howard, Howard...
1320
01:10:41,405 --> 01:10:42,823
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
1321
01:10:42,906 --> 01:10:46,284
Howard, the way
we work here at NBC
1322
01:10:46,368 --> 01:10:49,746
is a more professional
manner than you're used to.
1323
01:10:50,414 --> 01:10:54,543
I don't care what you did in
Washington. That's chicken shit radio.
1324
01:10:54,626 --> 01:10:58,004
Here at NBC, this is real radio.
1325
01:10:58,213 --> 01:11:03,927
The first thing you got to do is
say the call letters properly, okay?
1326
01:11:04,511 --> 01:11:09,558
Now, I'll teach you how to say
them. I hope you can get them.
1327
01:11:09,641 --> 01:11:13,979
Because you don't have a real
good voice like Imus or Captain Frank,
1328
01:11:14,062 --> 01:11:16,481
- so we'll have to practice it.
- Well...
1329
01:11:18,358 --> 01:11:19,901
Can we practice in here now?
1330
01:11:19,985 --> 01:11:22,404
You won't get bashful
on me now, are you?
1331
01:11:23,738 --> 01:11:26,992
Okay, you ready? The
way it's said properly is...
1332
01:11:28,785 --> 01:11:31,872
WNBC.
1333
01:11:35,167 --> 01:11:37,419
This is key. Come on.
1334
01:11:37,627 --> 01:11:39,045
WNBC.
1335
01:11:39,129 --> 01:11:42,757
No, no. It's got to be more like
this. (CLEARS THROAT) Listen up.
1336
01:11:43,091 --> 01:11:45,218
(VOICE LILTING) WNBC.
1337
01:11:45,302 --> 01:11:48,638
You hear that kind
of lift? The "NBC"?
1338
01:11:49,556 --> 01:11:51,975
(OVEREMPHASIZING) WNBC.
1339
01:11:52,058 --> 01:11:57,189
(TOGETHER) WNBC! WNBC!
1340
01:11:57,397 --> 01:12:00,275
In my mind, I am hearing... I'm
saying exactly what you're saying.
1341
01:12:00,484 --> 01:12:02,861
- No. Actually...
- WNBC!
1342
01:12:03,069 --> 01:12:06,823
You know what, you got to listen
to Imus. Imus does it perfectly.
1343
01:12:07,032 --> 01:12:09,534
Tell you what. I'll take you
down to Imus office right now
1344
01:12:09,618 --> 01:12:10,994
and you can hear how he does it.
1345
01:12:11,077 --> 01:12:14,664
- Come on boy, come on.
- I got to tell you something, Kenny.
1346
01:12:14,748 --> 01:12:18,168
I always saw myself as different
to Imus, that's why you hired me.
1347
01:12:18,376 --> 01:12:21,046
You are original, but...
(CLEARS THROAT)
1348
01:12:21,922 --> 01:12:23,381
You say lot of offensive things.
1349
01:12:23,465 --> 01:12:27,928
Occasionally, you are real funny, but
you got to learn to do what Imus does.
1350
01:12:28,011 --> 01:12:33,266
He doesn't actually say the bad thing
himself, he says through a character.
1351
01:12:33,808 --> 01:12:37,354
How about you go on the air, 3:00
a.m., and show us some characters?
1352
01:12:37,437 --> 01:12:39,606
Okay? Good. Now...
1353
01:12:39,689 --> 01:12:43,527
I'll go in, see how he's
feeling. You stay here, okay?
1354
01:12:44,945 --> 01:12:46,404
Mr. Imus?
1355
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:53,161
HOWARD: Back then, Don Imus was
the number one disc jockey of New York.
1356
01:12:53,286 --> 01:12:55,372
So I was kind of
curious to meet him.
1357
01:12:55,455 --> 01:12:56,516
IMUS: You are interrupting me.
1358
01:12:56,540 --> 01:12:59,251
- KENNY: I have Howard Stern outside.
- Who outside?
1359
01:12:59,334 --> 01:13:03,046
- Young man from Washington...
- Stern's outside my fucking office?
1360
01:13:03,129 --> 01:13:05,715
How did Howard Stern
get outside my office?
1361
01:13:05,799 --> 01:13:07,551
Well, I'm not gonna
meet that stupid fuck.
1362
01:13:07,634 --> 01:13:08,635
He's nothing.
1363
01:13:10,053 --> 01:13:11,555
Fuck off!
1364
01:13:15,141 --> 01:13:19,145
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) 66, WNBC
1365
01:13:19,229 --> 01:13:21,523
Hello, I'm Robin Quivers.
1366
01:13:21,606 --> 01:13:26,069
It's my pleasure to introduce you
to New York's newest disc jockey.
1367
01:13:26,152 --> 01:13:31,157
HOWARD: (LISPING) Ooo-ey!
That's me! I'm Lance Eluction on WNBC!
1368
01:13:31,366 --> 01:13:37,414
WNBC. I'm so excited, because I
am New York's first-ever gay DJ. Ever!
1369
01:13:37,622 --> 01:13:42,544
And now I want to introduce
to you someone so marvelous,
1370
01:13:42,627 --> 01:13:47,132
so wonderful and supportive to me,
my life mate, soul mate, love mate,
1371
01:13:47,215 --> 01:13:49,968
he's everything to
me, Mr. Blackswell.
1372
01:13:50,594 --> 01:13:51,720
Wilkommen. Bienvenue.
1373
01:13:51,803 --> 01:13:54,889
Welcome. Oh, Robin, it's so
lovely to see you here today.
1374
01:13:55,098 --> 01:13:58,810
- Hi, Mr. Engineer. Give me a kiss.
- (BOTH KISSING)
1375
01:13:59,019 --> 01:14:03,565
You two are just adorable together,
and it's wonderful to have you here.
1376
01:14:03,773 --> 01:14:06,443
But I understand, there's
already been a problem?
1377
01:14:06,651 --> 01:14:09,070
Yes, you know, I was in
the program director's office.
1378
01:14:09,154 --> 01:14:10,655
His name was Pig Vomit.
1379
01:14:10,864 --> 01:14:13,283
Because he looks like a pig
and he makes you wanna vomit.
1380
01:14:14,034 --> 01:14:19,331
Pig Vomit says, "This is
not WNBC. It is WNBC."
1381
01:14:20,540 --> 01:14:23,835
I was not saying the call
letters right. A big problem.
1382
01:14:23,918 --> 01:14:28,423
To rectify this, I brought in
a cup of Blackswell's semen.
1383
01:14:29,341 --> 01:14:31,676
- Semen?
- I squeezed it myself.
1384
01:14:31,760 --> 01:14:32,969
I hope it's not too tangy.
1385
01:14:33,178 --> 01:14:34,405
And what are you
going to do with it?
1386
01:14:34,429 --> 01:14:37,509
I'm gonna gargle with this and practice
the call letters until I get it right.
1387
01:14:37,557 --> 01:14:38,850
You think that'll work?
1388
01:14:38,933 --> 01:14:41,227
I don't care, because I love
the taste of a man. Ooga.
1389
01:14:41,311 --> 01:14:42,896
BOTH: Ooga. Ooga.
1390
01:14:42,979 --> 01:14:46,358
Can I have some music
now, Mr. Engineer, please?
1391
01:14:46,566 --> 01:14:50,236
Would you, please...
Give us a record, por favor.
1392
01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:52,364
- (DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)
- Okay. Thank you.
1393
01:14:52,447 --> 01:14:54,908
Now, watch and learn.
1394
01:14:55,283 --> 01:14:57,160
(VOCALIZING)
1395
01:14:59,204 --> 01:15:00,580
(GARGLING)
1396
01:15:00,705 --> 01:15:02,791
- (SAYING CALL LETTERS)
- (GIGGLES)
1397
01:15:02,874 --> 01:15:04,668
There she blows!
1398
01:15:05,043 --> 01:15:07,504
(HUMMING WITH RECORD)
1399
01:15:08,171 --> 01:15:10,882
- Oh, can you believe it?
- You just swallowed!
1400
01:15:10,965 --> 01:15:14,386
- I swallowed! Oh, my God!
- Waste not, want not, Robin.
1401
01:15:14,469 --> 01:15:15,470
Oh!
1402
01:15:16,721 --> 01:15:20,433
I wanna say, "I love
WNBC!" See? It works.
1403
01:15:20,642 --> 01:15:23,311
I can say it! WNBC!
1404
01:15:26,064 --> 01:15:29,943
- WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold.
- WNBC, please hold. WNBC, please hold.
1405
01:15:30,652 --> 01:15:31,945
WNBC, please hold.
1406
01:15:37,033 --> 01:15:39,285
So, we gave him
some characters, right?
1407
01:15:43,039 --> 01:15:44,999
Get in here.
1408
01:15:52,006 --> 01:15:54,050
You goddamn motherfuckers.
1409
01:15:54,843 --> 01:15:58,346
You fucking waltz in here
and think you know everything.
1410
01:15:58,430 --> 01:16:02,308
I worked my fucking ass
off to get to New York City,
1411
01:16:02,392 --> 01:16:06,521
and you are not going to
fucking blow it forward for me!
1412
01:16:06,730 --> 01:16:10,900
- I was doing characters...
- Barry, Jerry, clarify the situation.
1413
01:16:11,109 --> 01:16:14,738
Page 108, paragraph three.
"No jokes dealing with flatulence,"
1414
01:16:14,863 --> 01:16:18,241
"excretion, urination, ejaculation,
or other bodily functions."
1415
01:16:18,324 --> 01:16:21,536
Note paragraph two. "No
use of the seven dirty words."
1416
01:16:21,619 --> 01:16:25,415
"Cocksucker, motherfucker,
fuck, shit, cunt, cock and pussy."
1417
01:16:26,458 --> 01:16:30,503
From now on, all your little bits
are under two minutes in duration.
1418
01:16:30,712 --> 01:16:36,092
All scripts, and I do mean all
scripts, require my personal approval.
1419
01:16:36,259 --> 01:16:38,887
Welcome to NBC, Howard.
1420
01:16:38,970 --> 01:16:40,130
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) 66, WNBC
1421
01:16:42,015 --> 01:16:45,643
It's time for The Match Game!
1422
01:16:45,727 --> 01:16:46,728
(GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS)
1423
01:16:46,811 --> 01:16:51,441
And thank you, Mr. Announcer!
Hi, My name is Gene Sternburn.
1424
01:16:51,524 --> 01:16:54,652
Welcome to Match Game.
1425
01:16:54,778 --> 01:16:58,323
We have a lot of excitement in the air
because we have some great panelists.
1426
01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:00,283
Let me introduce
you to everybody.
1427
01:17:00,492 --> 01:17:04,662
Firstly, let me introduce a very
charming and beautiful lady,
1428
01:17:04,746 --> 01:17:07,582
Miss Brett Summers! How are you?
1429
01:17:07,665 --> 01:17:09,000
(GRAVELLY VOICE) Hi, Gene!
1430
01:17:09,083 --> 01:17:11,294
Hygiene, that's
something you don't have!
1431
01:17:11,377 --> 01:17:12,378
ROBIN: Hey, back off.
1432
01:17:12,587 --> 01:17:15,381
Okay, and let's now go over to
somebody who I really admire,
1433
01:17:15,590 --> 01:17:18,343
the ex-US President,
Mr. Richard Nixon.
1434
01:17:18,551 --> 01:17:20,070
(IMITATING VOICE)
Hello, everybody! Hello.
1435
01:17:20,094 --> 01:17:24,849
I'm very honored to introduce
to all of you a special man.
1436
01:17:24,933 --> 01:17:30,396
He's on the show for the first time,
Mr. Jackie "The Joke Man" Martling!
1437
01:17:30,605 --> 01:17:33,358
- Thank you, Gene.
- Let's play our game now okay, shall we?
1438
01:17:33,441 --> 01:17:36,528
We're going to ask you
to fill in the blank. Okay?
1439
01:17:36,611 --> 01:17:38,404
Now, I want you
to listen carefully.
1440
01:17:38,488 --> 01:17:42,867
Our first clue up
is "blank" willow.
1441
01:17:43,993 --> 01:17:45,245
"Blank" willow.
1442
01:17:45,328 --> 01:17:46,329
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1443
01:17:46,412 --> 01:17:50,291
Let's go to Brett Summers.
What do you have for us?
1444
01:17:50,375 --> 01:17:53,920
The only thing on my
mind, Gene, was pussy.
1445
01:17:54,212 --> 01:17:55,213
Uh-oh.
1446
01:17:55,547 --> 01:18:00,635
Pussy! All right! Pussy willow.
That's what I'd have said.
1447
01:18:00,844 --> 01:18:04,305
Let's go to Dick Nixon. What
did you have? "Blank" willow?
1448
01:18:04,389 --> 01:18:07,892
- In any language... pussy!
- All right!
1449
01:18:08,101 --> 01:18:14,816
Let's go to our newest member,
Mr. Jackie "Joke Man" Martling.
1450
01:18:15,024 --> 01:18:18,278
I didn't write it too neat,
so I have a sloppy pussy.
1451
01:18:18,361 --> 01:18:19,821
A sloppy pussy!
1452
01:18:19,904 --> 01:18:23,867
- A sloppy pussy...
- Are we talking about Brett?
1453
01:18:24,075 --> 01:18:25,493
Let's keep going.
1454
01:18:25,577 --> 01:18:28,746
Now it's going to get
rougher. Everybody ready?
1455
01:18:28,955 --> 01:18:32,792
"Blank" a-doodle-do.
"Blank" a-doodle-do.
1456
01:18:32,876 --> 01:18:34,168
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1457
01:18:34,586 --> 01:18:36,856
"Blank" a-doodle-do. Think about
that while our celebrities are writing.
1458
01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:40,341
Dick Nixon, our own
ex-President, what have you got?
1459
01:18:40,425 --> 01:18:44,846
It takes a Dick to know a cock, and
that's what I wrote, cock-a-doodle-do!
1460
01:18:45,054 --> 01:18:50,685
That's what I would've said. Seemed
like the obvious answer. Over to Jackie.
1461
01:18:50,894 --> 01:18:54,522
Gene, I have cock. I wrote
it big, I have a big cock!
1462
01:18:54,731 --> 01:18:58,151
Uh, I don't think you can say "big
cock" on the radio. I think that's a no-no.
1463
01:18:58,234 --> 01:19:00,653
- But I just said "pussy."
- She just said "pussy"!
1464
01:19:00,737 --> 01:19:03,239
Pussy is okay. It's
the way he says it.
1465
01:19:03,323 --> 01:19:05,563
"Big cock" coming out of your
mouth sounds awfully dirty.
1466
01:19:05,617 --> 01:19:09,787
I can't say "big cock" but you can
say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?
1467
01:19:09,913 --> 01:19:11,247
- That's correct.
- That sucks!
1468
01:19:11,331 --> 01:19:14,876
Did you say "big cock coming
out of your mouth sucks"?
1469
01:19:14,959 --> 01:19:18,421
Enough nonsense.
Over to Brett Summers.
1470
01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:22,258
Just like the boys,
I've got "cock"!
1471
01:19:22,467 --> 01:19:26,387
Do me a favor, hold it
up so I can see your cock.
1472
01:19:26,471 --> 01:19:30,850
- Don't you have one of your own?
- There it is, cock, cock, cock.
1473
01:19:30,934 --> 01:19:35,939
We have to end this fun now.
Give yourselves a big hand.
1474
01:19:36,064 --> 01:19:38,149
- (LAUGHING)
- (CLAPPING)
1475
01:19:39,609 --> 01:19:42,528
Okay, let's have
a little music, Phil.
1476
01:19:44,280 --> 01:19:47,867
You did not have permission to do
that. I never approved that script, Howard!
1477
01:19:48,076 --> 01:19:50,286
Wait a second. Calm down, Kenny.
1478
01:19:50,370 --> 01:19:53,748
- There's a perfectly good explanation.
- I'm all ears, Howard. Let's hear.
1479
01:19:53,957 --> 01:19:56,084
I gave the script to Fred.
1480
01:19:56,167 --> 01:19:58,378
(AS NIXON) And I gave
it to Robin over there.
1481
01:19:58,461 --> 01:20:02,799
Oh, that's right. I'm sorry,
Kenny. I forgot to put it in your box.
1482
01:20:02,882 --> 01:20:05,218
There you go. Perfectly
good explanation.
1483
01:20:05,301 --> 01:20:06,528
It'll never happen again, Kenny.
1484
01:20:06,552 --> 01:20:09,472
You're right she'll never
do it again. You're fired.
1485
01:20:09,555 --> 01:20:10,556
What?
1486
01:20:11,140 --> 01:20:15,687
- Gather your things, let's go.
- Wait, she had nothing to do with it.
1487
01:20:15,770 --> 01:20:18,731
- It was all me.
- Pack up your shit. I'm not kidding.
1488
01:20:18,815 --> 01:20:22,276
You can't fire someone over
one lousy bit. You can't fire them.
1489
01:20:22,360 --> 01:20:24,028
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.
1490
01:20:24,696 --> 01:20:26,531
Robin, get the fuck out!
1491
01:20:29,951 --> 01:20:34,789
Listen to me, give me a couple of days,
I'll get you back on the air, I know it.
1492
01:20:34,872 --> 01:20:36,752
- Forget it.
- They're trying to break us apart.
1493
01:20:36,833 --> 01:20:38,001
They're trying to beat us.
1494
01:20:38,084 --> 01:20:42,213
That's the whole point. We
should quit and go somewhere else.
1495
01:20:42,296 --> 01:20:46,551
If I quit, they win. I don't
want them to win. I can't quit!
1496
01:20:46,634 --> 01:20:48,052
- You're not gonna quit?
- No.
1497
01:20:48,136 --> 01:20:49,929
You'll let them throw
me out like garbage?
1498
01:20:50,138 --> 01:20:51,806
I want to stomp
them into the ground.
1499
01:20:51,889 --> 01:20:54,642
Only way to do that
is to stay on the air.
1500
01:20:54,726 --> 01:20:59,313
- You're pathetic!
- I'm not pathetic. Give me a few days.
1501
01:20:59,397 --> 01:21:01,709
I can convince these guys to
bring you back. I know I can do that.
1502
01:21:01,733 --> 01:21:03,252
I know I can do
that. I have the ability.
1503
01:21:03,276 --> 01:21:06,112
- Fuck you!
- How can you say "fuck you"?
1504
01:21:06,195 --> 01:21:07,196
(HORN HONKS)
1505
01:21:07,280 --> 01:21:09,574
Hey move it, asshole!
1506
01:21:09,657 --> 01:21:12,302
She hates me. She thinks I'm total
scum. She thinks I'm lower than scum.
1507
01:21:12,326 --> 01:21:14,537
She thinks you're
letting her take the fall.
1508
01:21:15,288 --> 01:21:16,706
What do you think?
1509
01:21:18,332 --> 01:21:22,420
You've been loyal to everyone you've
worked with. That's the way you are.
1510
01:21:23,629 --> 01:21:25,465
You'll find a way
to get her back.
1511
01:21:26,841 --> 01:21:30,678
I feel sorry for NBC. As soon as
you start in on them, they'll be sorry
1512
01:21:30,762 --> 01:21:32,322
they ever fired her
in the first place.
1513
01:21:32,764 --> 01:21:35,391
- You're right.
- I know.
1514
01:21:36,434 --> 01:21:42,440
Howard, Fred. Meet your new
newsman, Ross Buckingham.
1515
01:21:42,523 --> 01:21:46,360
Hi. Pleasure. I'm looking
forward to joining the team.
1516
01:21:46,444 --> 01:21:48,571
Now, old Ross
here's is quite lively.
1517
01:21:48,654 --> 01:21:50,814
And he'll fit in well with
your special brand of humor.
1518
01:21:51,324 --> 01:21:55,578
As a matter of fact, I'm
an old comedy man myself.
1519
01:21:55,661 --> 01:21:58,873
I've done light comedy
in my younger years.
1520
01:21:59,082 --> 01:22:01,793
Summer stock, mostly.
1521
01:22:03,669 --> 01:22:08,758
Hundreds gathered in Central Park
this afternoon to remember John Lennon,
1522
01:22:08,966 --> 01:22:11,427
who was murdered
two years ago today.
1523
01:22:11,511 --> 01:22:14,722
- Lennon's killer...
- Let me ask you. Were you a Beatles fan?
1524
01:22:16,641 --> 01:22:18,643
Uh... yes, I... I was, once.
1525
01:22:18,726 --> 01:22:23,856
- Lennon's killer, Mark David Chapman...
- There's a guy we gotta talk about.
1526
01:22:24,065 --> 01:22:26,109
Mark David Chapman.
What do you make of him?
1527
01:22:26,317 --> 01:22:30,738
He's probably in prison right now
enjoying himself. Electrocute him!
1528
01:22:30,822 --> 01:22:32,740
You gotta be with that
program, huh, Ross?
1529
01:22:32,824 --> 01:22:35,743
I hope this was a good idea.
1530
01:22:35,952 --> 01:22:38,621
ROSS: Uh, I think we're
supposed to have the news.
1531
01:22:38,830 --> 01:22:43,000
HOWARD: Forget that. Repeat after
me, "I wanna kill Mark David Chapman."
1532
01:22:43,084 --> 01:22:44,293
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1533
01:22:44,377 --> 01:22:49,465
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS) 66, WNBC
1534
01:22:49,549 --> 01:22:53,219
Are we ready in there, Freddy
boy? We've got our next phone call.
1535
01:22:53,427 --> 01:22:56,389
- Ross, guess who's on the phone?
- I really have no idea.
1536
01:22:56,472 --> 01:22:59,267
Just take a wild guess. Do it
right off the top of your head.
1537
01:22:59,350 --> 01:23:01,144
Um...
1538
01:23:01,227 --> 01:23:03,479
This is a good one. It's
a good mystery guest.
1539
01:23:03,729 --> 01:23:04,730
Um...
1540
01:23:04,814 --> 01:23:08,693
What an ad-libber, Ross! I don't
want to put you under pressure.
1541
01:23:09,110 --> 01:23:12,280
- Hi, is this Betty Jean Rushton?
- Yes, it is.
1542
01:23:12,363 --> 01:23:14,282
Betty Jean, hi, it's
Howard Stern, WNBC!
1543
01:23:14,365 --> 01:23:17,577
- I work with your husband, Kenny.
- Yes, Kenny's mentioned you.
1544
01:23:17,660 --> 01:23:19,495
Oh, I bet Kenny has.
1545
01:23:19,829 --> 01:23:24,208
The reason I'm calling is your
husband has been very bitchy lately.
1546
01:23:24,292 --> 01:23:27,378
I think maybe if you
gave him more sex...
1547
01:23:27,461 --> 01:23:28,588
BETTY JEAN: More sex?
1548
01:23:28,796 --> 01:23:31,424
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?
1549
01:23:31,966 --> 01:23:34,552
BETTY JEAN: Yes, you
might be right about that.
1550
01:23:34,635 --> 01:23:37,138
HOWARD: Oh,
really? I think I am.
1551
01:23:37,722 --> 01:23:41,684
- Do that again, I'll kill you!
- I need Robin, she's the anchor.
1552
01:23:41,767 --> 01:23:42,935
That's what's missing!
1553
01:23:43,019 --> 01:23:47,481
You have violated my wife! You
soiled the sanctity of my home!
1554
01:23:47,565 --> 01:23:54,530
I didn't do anything. I'd never have
called his wife if Robin was with me.
1555
01:23:54,697 --> 01:23:57,408
She's the voice of reason.
I'm struggling in there...
1556
01:23:57,491 --> 01:23:59,535
You know what you are, Stern?
1557
01:23:59,619 --> 01:24:02,121
- You're the Antichrist. Yes!
- What?
1558
01:24:02,205 --> 01:24:05,708
You are the
motherfucking Antichrist!
1559
01:24:06,459 --> 01:24:08,461
Kenny. Take it easy.
1560
01:24:15,343 --> 01:24:17,678
This is an exciting day
for us here at the studio,
1561
01:24:17,762 --> 01:24:20,848
because we have
stage star, Donna Porter.
1562
01:24:20,932 --> 01:24:23,976
She is here to talk
about life in the theater.
1563
01:24:24,101 --> 01:24:25,245
And Donna, I don't
know if you know this,
1564
01:24:25,269 --> 01:24:28,022
but our own news
guy, Ross Buckingham,
1565
01:24:28,105 --> 01:24:30,650
actually has some theater
experience as well. Don't you, Ross?
1566
01:24:30,733 --> 01:24:32,652
Do you want to
tell us about that?
1567
01:24:33,402 --> 01:24:36,280
Yes, um... I once did
some summer stock.
1568
01:24:36,364 --> 01:24:38,908
I know you're very proud of
your summer stock experience,
1569
01:24:38,991 --> 01:24:42,036
when you went on stage the very
first time, did you ever get nervous?
1570
01:24:42,411 --> 01:24:47,291
- No, I was quite comfortable.
- HOWARD: I see. That's very interesting.
1571
01:24:47,500 --> 01:24:51,921
Then, in 1926, General
Sarnoff formed NBC Radio,
1572
01:24:52,004 --> 01:24:53,881
America's first network.
1573
01:24:53,965 --> 01:24:56,884
I guess you could say
I was a little nervous
1574
01:24:56,968 --> 01:25:00,054
the first time I was ever on
stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.
1575
01:25:00,596 --> 01:25:03,474
- Now why is that?
- Can I show you?
1576
01:25:04,892 --> 01:25:07,770
Sure, we'd like to
see what you have.
1577
01:25:07,853 --> 01:25:10,940
Right now, you're getting a look at a
live broadcast of The Howard Stern Show.
1578
01:25:11,107 --> 01:25:14,777
Thirteen inches! You're licking
whipped cream off a kielbasa.
1579
01:25:14,860 --> 01:25:18,447
You're jamming the kielbasa
all the way down your throat!
1580
01:25:18,531 --> 01:25:19,949
Oh, my God! Look at that!
1581
01:25:20,032 --> 01:25:25,579
The entire kielbasa is going down!
She has swallowed the entire 13 inches!
1582
01:25:25,663 --> 01:25:29,417
Look at that, 13 inches,
ladies and gentlemen!
1583
01:25:29,500 --> 01:25:32,920
Wow. You gotta love that, folks!
You love that, don't you, Ross?
1584
01:25:33,170 --> 01:25:34,171
Ho-ho.
1585
01:25:34,255 --> 01:25:36,340
Ross Buckingham, have you
ever seen a woman swallow
1586
01:25:36,424 --> 01:25:38,092
an entire 13-inch kielbasa?
1587
01:25:38,175 --> 01:25:40,695
When you were in the theater,
did you ever work with a kielbasa?
1588
01:25:40,761 --> 01:25:44,515
What he did to me today
was the most unprofessional
1589
01:25:44,598 --> 01:25:47,018
and insulting
experience of my life!
1590
01:25:47,101 --> 01:25:50,187
I hold you and this station
personally responsible.
1591
01:25:50,896 --> 01:25:52,773
If you want to fire
me, fire me. Go ahead!
1592
01:25:52,857 --> 01:25:55,568
But I refuse to work with
this man one minute longer!
1593
01:25:57,862 --> 01:25:59,822
Good day.
1594
01:26:00,990 --> 01:26:04,869
Okay, it's 5:35 at
WNBC. Time for the news.
1595
01:26:04,952 --> 01:26:08,956
I'm not real good at
this, I confess, but I'll try.
1596
01:26:09,040 --> 01:26:11,208
Who the fuck are we gonna get?
1597
01:26:11,292 --> 01:26:13,753
Beats me. No one
wants to work with him.
1598
01:26:14,295 --> 01:26:17,089
Is it Monaco or Mon-a-co?
1599
01:26:17,298 --> 01:26:20,926
Monaco? That's what I thought.
1600
01:26:21,135 --> 01:26:23,220
Well, anyway, she's dead...
1601
01:26:24,180 --> 01:26:26,057
What about Kelly Landers?
1602
01:26:26,349 --> 01:26:28,976
Absolutely refuses.
Says she'd rather quit.
1603
01:26:29,185 --> 01:26:32,313
HOWARD: (ON RADIO) ...I have a
theory that he cut the brakes on the car.
1604
01:26:32,396 --> 01:26:33,606
Now, I could be crazy,
1605
01:26:33,689 --> 01:26:38,277
I figure a guy married as long as
Prince Reindeer was ready for a new wife.
1606
01:26:38,361 --> 01:26:41,155
Princess Grace was beautiful,
but she was losing her looks.
1607
01:26:41,238 --> 01:26:43,282
Let's be honest. There
were bags under those eyes.
1608
01:26:43,908 --> 01:26:48,287
In other news, one of Italy's
highest-ranking police officials...
1609
01:26:49,038 --> 01:26:53,501
Kenny, we are one of the
biggest radio stations in America.
1610
01:26:53,584 --> 01:26:56,128
We can't just not do the news.
1611
01:26:56,837 --> 01:27:01,175
My program director Pig Vomit gets
assassinated by Sicilians in Palermo.
1612
01:27:01,258 --> 01:27:02,385
That'd be wonderful.
1613
01:27:02,468 --> 01:27:03,886
I want to pray to God right now.
1614
01:27:04,095 --> 01:27:07,181
Jesus Christ, who I
love more than anything,
1615
01:27:07,264 --> 01:27:13,854
I am begging you, please send a hitman
to the USA to kill Pig Vomit finally.
1616
01:27:13,938 --> 01:27:17,191
I love you, God. I'll do whatever
you say if you make that come true.
1617
01:27:17,274 --> 01:27:18,275
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1618
01:27:18,359 --> 01:27:21,362
(RADIO JINGLE PLAYS)
Howard Stern, WNBC
1619
01:27:21,821 --> 01:27:25,241
So if we bring Robin
back, you'll behave?
1620
01:27:26,283 --> 01:27:28,869
- Absolutely. Robin's my anchor.
- You can't trust him.
1621
01:27:28,953 --> 01:27:30,079
Kenny, that's not fair.
1622
01:27:30,413 --> 01:27:31,622
Quite frankly,
1623
01:27:31,705 --> 01:27:35,918
I'm a little hurt that you're so
incapable of being supportive.
1624
01:27:37,586 --> 01:27:41,966
And, Vin, please, if you hire Robin
back, I promise you won't be sorry.
1625
01:27:42,049 --> 01:27:43,634
You have my word.
1626
01:27:52,101 --> 01:27:53,436
Thank you.
1627
01:27:56,480 --> 01:27:59,859
- We hate noise, isn't that right?
- Yeah. Makes me nuts.
1628
01:28:00,067 --> 01:28:02,987
No. It's a very quiet
street. You'll like it here.
1629
01:28:03,070 --> 01:28:04,071
(RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR)
1630
01:28:04,155 --> 01:28:05,698
Excuse me.
1631
01:28:06,949 --> 01:28:09,535
You're back. I got you back!
It's a miracle of all miracles.
1632
01:28:09,618 --> 01:28:12,496
- I can't talk right now.
- Oh, hello. How are you?
1633
01:28:12,705 --> 01:28:14,498
I even got you an
office. You're all set.
1634
01:28:14,582 --> 01:28:15,742
I'm showing my apartment now.
1635
01:28:15,791 --> 01:28:19,170
You're looking at this apartment?
There are roaches the size of dogs here.
1636
01:28:19,253 --> 01:28:21,440
- I don't advise you living here.
- Excuse me for a second.
1637
01:28:21,464 --> 01:28:23,224
Take a look behind
the fireplace, you'll see!
1638
01:28:23,299 --> 01:28:25,134
Excuse me, I'll come
back and tell you...
1639
01:28:25,342 --> 01:28:27,428
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
1640
01:28:27,511 --> 01:28:29,239
Robin, you got your job.
So what's the problem?
1641
01:28:29,263 --> 01:28:32,641
The problem is, when I needed
you, you didn't stand behind me!
1642
01:28:32,725 --> 01:28:35,102
Robin, those guys are
assholes. They screwed us.
1643
01:28:35,186 --> 01:28:36,604
We've gotta get
back and beat them!
1644
01:28:36,687 --> 01:28:39,607
- We were supposed to be a team, Howard!
- We are a team, for God's sakes!
1645
01:28:39,690 --> 01:28:42,401
We're gonna be the greatest
team in the history of radio.
1646
01:28:42,610 --> 01:28:44,111
Come on, what's the big deal?
1647
01:28:44,195 --> 01:28:46,113
Look at me, Robin.
1648
01:28:47,114 --> 01:28:50,910
See this? You know what
I'm doing? I'm begging you.
1649
01:28:51,118 --> 01:28:53,954
- I'm begging you.
- I'm serious!
1650
01:28:54,038 --> 01:28:57,666
I'll kiss your feet. Look at
these yams. Look at these feet.
1651
01:28:57,875 --> 01:29:01,879
- I'm worshiping your foot.
- What are you doing?
1652
01:29:01,962 --> 01:29:05,758
- You have the most beautiful feet.
- People are looking at us.
1653
01:29:06,967 --> 01:29:09,929
- Hey, Robin, you love this, don't you?
- (GIGGLES)
1654
01:29:10,137 --> 01:29:12,418
It gives me great pleasure now
to welcome back on our show
1655
01:29:12,473 --> 01:29:15,184
the very beautiful,
multi-talented,
1656
01:29:15,267 --> 01:29:18,729
uh, vivacious, tight-sweatered,
1657
01:29:18,812 --> 01:29:21,982
beautifully big-breasted
Robin Quivers, I love her!
1658
01:29:23,067 --> 01:29:26,445
- Thank you.
- May I say you are big-breasted again?
1659
01:29:26,529 --> 01:29:28,697
- No!
- Thank God you're back.
1660
01:29:28,781 --> 01:29:30,199
'Cause the show
sucked without you.
1661
01:29:30,366 --> 01:29:32,594
Actually, I just want to say
how much I really missed you...
1662
01:29:32,618 --> 01:29:33,619
Aww.
1663
01:29:33,702 --> 01:29:34,703
That I do love you,
1664
01:29:34,787 --> 01:29:36,580
and I'm just so
glad you're back.
1665
01:29:37,331 --> 01:29:42,545
Okay, Mr. Rushton, you pick up
the phone and it rings into my booth.
1666
01:29:42,753 --> 01:29:44,547
Good. But don't answer it!
1667
01:29:44,630 --> 01:29:47,216
Immediately disconnect
Stern's microphone,
1668
01:29:47,299 --> 01:29:49,718
dump out of the delay
and go straight to a record.
1669
01:29:49,927 --> 01:29:54,056
- That will be it, sir.
- Always have a record ready to go.
1670
01:29:54,640 --> 01:29:55,849
Yes, sir.
1671
01:29:57,935 --> 01:29:59,937
This little puppy's finally
gonna get housebroken.
1672
01:30:01,855 --> 01:30:05,109
Oh, look, it's unbelievable.
The underpants are coming off.
1673
01:30:05,192 --> 01:30:08,445
The first naked lady
in the history of radio!
1674
01:30:08,529 --> 01:30:11,699
- Sans panties, sans bra!
- I am shocked.
1675
01:30:11,907 --> 01:30:14,307
So am I. This is disgraceful.
We should be taken off the air.
1676
01:30:14,493 --> 01:30:17,871
- You've finally done it.
- Ohh! Beautiful! You're a work of art.
1677
01:30:17,997 --> 01:30:19,597
- Did you know that?
- Thank you, Howard.
1678
01:30:19,623 --> 01:30:23,002
To ensure our place
in the history of radio,
1679
01:30:23,085 --> 01:30:27,423
Mandy has agreed to give
me a massage while she's nude.
1680
01:30:27,631 --> 01:30:30,175
What does a massage have
to do with making it into history?
1681
01:30:30,259 --> 01:30:32,011
Who knows? I don't
know! Massage-smage!
1682
01:30:32,094 --> 01:30:35,222
- I got to get touched.
- I can't wait, Howard.
1683
01:30:35,431 --> 01:30:38,851
I'll tell you something. I'm
not kidding. You are beautiful.
1684
01:30:38,934 --> 01:30:41,312
My thoughts are in the gutter.
Understand what I mean?
1685
01:30:41,520 --> 01:30:45,274
- This is the Tudor, right?
- Central hall plan. Very traditional.
1686
01:30:46,025 --> 01:30:48,819
Only reason it's for sale is
because they're divorcing.
1687
01:30:49,695 --> 01:30:53,532
Would you believe 80% of
my listings are from divorces?
1688
01:30:54,617 --> 01:30:56,052
HOWARD: What do
you suggest we do here?
1689
01:30:56,076 --> 01:30:59,538
Why don't you come lay
over here and get comfortable?
1690
01:30:59,622 --> 01:31:03,584
I can do that, all
right. I can't believe it!
1691
01:31:03,792 --> 01:31:05,878
Don't hurt yourself
getting there!
1692
01:31:05,961 --> 01:31:10,090
I won't. All right, hold on a
second. Let me get my cans on.
1693
01:31:10,299 --> 01:31:12,509
Okay. Ooh, you know
what? You know...
1694
01:31:12,593 --> 01:31:15,596
Oh, man, let me soak you
in! Holy cow, are you naked!
1695
01:31:15,804 --> 01:31:18,015
- Know what I like about you?
- What?
1696
01:31:18,098 --> 01:31:21,644
You're the perfect height for
sex standing up! Look at that. Ooh.
1697
01:31:21,852 --> 01:31:24,146
- ROBIN: Howard! You're married!
- What?
1698
01:31:24,355 --> 01:31:27,149
I am? I mean, I am! Well,
I am not married any more.
1699
01:31:27,232 --> 01:31:28,484
What do you mean?
1700
01:31:28,567 --> 01:31:29,836
Uh... Take a seat. I'll
tell you what happened.
1701
01:31:29,860 --> 01:31:30,962
My wife was
suffering from cancer,
1702
01:31:30,986 --> 01:31:32,464
I never told you this
and she died last night.
1703
01:31:32,488 --> 01:31:34,698
I've been single
for exactly six hours.
1704
01:31:34,782 --> 01:31:37,576
Honey, if you're up there
now, I know you can hear me.
1705
01:31:37,660 --> 01:31:40,454
And you're at God's side. I want
you to cover your ears and eyes.
1706
01:31:40,537 --> 01:31:42,039
Besides, you're
married to God now.
1707
01:31:42,164 --> 01:31:47,086
- Your husband's quite a character.
- Only on the radio. It's just an act.
1708
01:31:47,920 --> 01:31:51,173
Oh, oh... that's nice. No one's
ever touched me like this before.
1709
01:31:51,256 --> 01:31:55,135
You've the look of love in your
eyes, but I'm an ugly man. I know this.
1710
01:31:55,344 --> 01:31:57,721
You couldn't be physically
attracted to me, could you?
1711
01:31:57,805 --> 01:31:59,139
Physically, I am.
1712
01:31:59,223 --> 01:32:01,558
You're smart, you're sexy.
1713
01:32:01,642 --> 01:32:03,644
Wait. Excuse me
for a minute, Robin!
1714
01:32:03,727 --> 01:32:07,564
- I didn't say a thing!
- Robin, go and get some lunch.
1715
01:32:07,773 --> 01:32:09,292
Yeah, go ahead and
tell me more about me.
1716
01:32:09,316 --> 01:32:10,317
You're funny.
1717
01:32:10,401 --> 01:32:14,238
- You know what I'd do to you physically?
- What would you do?
1718
01:32:14,321 --> 01:32:17,866
I don't know, but whatever
it is, it'd last three seconds!
1719
01:32:18,742 --> 01:32:20,119
Three seconds, I'd be finished.
1720
01:32:20,202 --> 01:32:25,332
- We'd have sex ten times a day.
- I want to wrap my legs around you.
1721
01:32:29,753 --> 01:32:32,381
The average radio listener
listens for 18 minutes.
1722
01:32:32,464 --> 01:32:33,465
Mm-hmm.
1723
01:32:33,549 --> 01:32:36,510
The average Howard Stern fan
listens for, are you ready for this?
1724
01:32:36,593 --> 01:32:39,680
- An hour and 20 minutes!
- How can that be?
1725
01:32:39,763 --> 01:32:43,475
Answer most commonly given,
"I wanna see what he'll say next."
1726
01:32:43,684 --> 01:32:45,185
All right. Okay, fine.
1727
01:32:45,310 --> 01:32:47,396
But what about the
people who hate Stern?
1728
01:32:47,479 --> 01:32:48,480
Good point.
1729
01:32:48,564 --> 01:32:52,818
The average Stern hater listens
for two and a half hours a day.
1730
01:32:55,195 --> 01:32:58,407
But if they hate him,
why do they listen?
1731
01:32:58,615 --> 01:33:01,452
Most common answer, "I
wanna see what he'll say next."
1732
01:33:01,535 --> 01:33:03,078
- Kenny...
- What?
1733
01:33:03,662 --> 01:33:05,789
You better listen to this.
1734
01:33:05,998 --> 01:33:10,294
HOWARD: Wanna know something?
Come here, I wanna tell you closer.
1735
01:33:11,170 --> 01:33:14,548
- I am fully aroused. Totally engorged.
- Oh, my God!
1736
01:33:14,757 --> 01:33:17,968
WOMAN: Well, after the show,
we can go somewhere else...
1737
01:33:18,927 --> 01:33:20,512
HOWARD: Really? That's great!
1738
01:33:20,721 --> 01:33:22,556
You know why I love
you? 'Cause you're smart.
1739
01:33:22,639 --> 01:33:24,784
- And you're practically a virgin, right?
- Practically!
1740
01:33:24,808 --> 01:33:26,435
(BUZZER BUZZING LOUDLY)
1741
01:33:26,643 --> 01:33:28,395
HOWARD: Stop that!
1742
01:33:29,563 --> 01:33:32,149
I'll be honest with you,
I've never said this before.
1743
01:33:32,232 --> 01:33:33,233
(MUSIC PLAYS)
1744
01:33:33,317 --> 01:33:36,612
I'm a full two and a half
inches... What's the music?
1745
01:33:36,820 --> 01:33:39,448
- We're off the air.
- Are we off the air?
1746
01:33:39,573 --> 01:33:40,574
Oh.
1747
01:33:40,657 --> 01:33:44,077
Do me a favor and just stay
right there. What's going on?
1748
01:33:44,161 --> 01:33:47,372
- What are you doing, man?
- Rushton told me, this phone rings...
1749
01:33:47,456 --> 01:33:49,333
Oh, come on, man!
Don't listen to Kenny.
1750
01:33:49,958 --> 01:33:51,210
I'm just doing what he told me.
1751
01:33:51,293 --> 01:33:53,772
Shit, you don't take me off the
air in the middle of a fucking bit!
1752
01:33:53,796 --> 01:33:57,090
- Don't listen to Kenny, listen to me!
- He's the boss!
1753
01:33:57,174 --> 01:33:58,383
Forget it!
1754
01:33:58,467 --> 01:34:01,428
Can you believe this?
What the hell are they doing?
1755
01:34:03,388 --> 01:34:06,391
Yeah. Hi. Can I speak to
Kenny? It's Howard from the studio.
1756
01:34:06,600 --> 01:34:09,520
Robin, just hold him on the
line. Just keep him on the line.
1757
01:34:09,603 --> 01:34:13,273
Fred, get me back on the air.
Patch the phone call onto the air.
1758
01:34:13,357 --> 01:34:15,359
As soon as you can!
1759
01:34:15,734 --> 01:34:17,486
Fuck, man!
1760
01:34:21,240 --> 01:34:23,325
Patch it in.
1761
01:34:23,450 --> 01:34:24,785
(YELLING) I said patch it in!
1762
01:34:28,664 --> 01:34:32,292
- Yes, Robin, he's here right now.
- Can I have the phone, please?
1763
01:34:33,001 --> 01:34:35,546
- Hi, Robin. Are we back on the air?
- Yeah, everybody can hear.
1764
01:34:35,754 --> 01:34:37,631
I'm outside Pig Vomit's office.
1765
01:34:37,714 --> 01:34:40,551
- I'll knock on his door. Pig Vomit!
- All right.
1766
01:34:40,634 --> 01:34:45,389
Come on, Kenny, open up!
Why did he cut my show off?
1767
01:34:45,597 --> 01:34:47,891
- Mr. Stern, he's in a meeting.
- He's in a meeting?
1768
01:34:48,100 --> 01:34:51,186
What meeting is more important than
my show? He took the show off the air.
1769
01:34:51,270 --> 01:34:54,731
Why did you take the show
off the air for, Pig Vomit?
1770
01:34:54,940 --> 01:35:00,320
- This isn't funny, Howard.
- It is funny. How would you know?
1771
01:35:00,529 --> 01:35:04,658
- Don't bring that in.
- I don't see anybody in the meeting.
1772
01:35:04,867 --> 01:35:09,162
I gotta go? Why? Explain to my audience
why you had to shut down the show.
1773
01:35:09,246 --> 01:35:12,374
- I don't answer to you.
- You do, scumbag!
1774
01:35:12,583 --> 01:35:14,668
- I'm your boss! I'm your boss!
- Let's go.
1775
01:35:14,751 --> 01:35:15,752
Hey, what's this?
1776
01:35:15,836 --> 01:35:18,005
Robin, it's everybody's
salary on his desk.
1777
01:35:18,130 --> 01:35:19,840
Get out! God damn
it, get out of here!
1778
01:35:19,965 --> 01:35:23,302
He hit me, Robin! I'm
gonna hit you back!
1779
01:35:23,385 --> 01:35:24,428
ROBIN: Hit him back!
1780
01:35:24,595 --> 01:35:25,888
I hit him back!
1781
01:35:25,971 --> 01:35:28,807
You're not getting the
phone from me, Kenny!
1782
01:35:28,974 --> 01:35:30,183
- No!
- Oh!
1783
01:35:30,267 --> 01:35:34,688
Oh, my God, he just hit
himself in the face! He's bleeding!
1784
01:35:37,232 --> 01:35:38,233
Oh!
1785
01:35:38,317 --> 01:35:41,278
- ROBIN: What's going on?
- Vin just got hit by Kenny.
1786
01:35:41,361 --> 01:35:44,406
Goddamn it, Stern!
You see that? Blood!
1787
01:35:44,615 --> 01:35:46,950
- Are you okay?
- No!
1788
01:35:47,159 --> 01:35:49,870
- It wasn't my fault. I just came in...
- I'll sue your ass!
1789
01:35:49,995 --> 01:35:51,204
Get out of here!
1790
01:35:51,288 --> 01:35:52,414
(VOICES OVERLAPPING)
1791
01:35:52,915 --> 01:35:57,711
Our first guest tonight is the afternoon
drive-time disc jockey at WNBC Radio
1792
01:35:57,794 --> 01:36:02,549
here in New York City. Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome Howard Stern.
1793
01:36:02,674 --> 01:36:03,926
Howard!
1794
01:36:04,301 --> 01:36:05,886
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
1795
01:36:11,725 --> 01:36:13,060
Have a seat.
1796
01:36:13,852 --> 01:36:18,440
Now, uh, Howard, you know... I
admire you. I love what you do.
1797
01:36:18,649 --> 01:36:21,568
I think you're a pioneer on the
cutting edge of radio entertainment.
1798
01:36:21,652 --> 01:36:26,823
You and I both work for NBC. You
have the radio show, I have the TV show.
1799
01:36:26,907 --> 01:36:29,409
How do you get along with the
folks? Enjoying the experience?
1800
01:36:29,493 --> 01:36:33,413
I hate it at NBC. It's
the worst. It sucks.
1801
01:36:33,497 --> 01:36:35,749
All the management at
NBC, a bunch of creeps!
1802
01:36:35,832 --> 01:36:37,584
And I'm not afraid
to say it right now.
1803
01:36:37,668 --> 01:36:41,964
And it's funny, because I know
you feel the same exact way I do.
1804
01:36:42,130 --> 01:36:44,883
You told me on the phone
personally last week that you do!
1805
01:36:45,008 --> 01:36:47,302
Couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.
1806
01:36:47,386 --> 01:36:48,626
I don't understand them at all.
1807
01:36:48,762 --> 01:36:51,264
Now, Howard, let's get back to
the issue of them being creepy.
1808
01:36:51,348 --> 01:36:52,708
Now, when you
say they're creep...
1809
01:36:54,476 --> 01:36:58,438
He makes us sound like idiots on
the radio and criticizes us on television.
1810
01:36:58,522 --> 01:37:02,859
- I thought you were gonna control him!
- Oh, well, we are, sir.
1811
01:37:02,943 --> 01:37:06,154
In fact, we're designing a
more restrictive program...
1812
01:37:06,238 --> 01:37:08,991
Shut up! How are his numbers?
1813
01:37:09,074 --> 01:37:11,952
The official ratings don't
come out until tomorrow.
1814
01:37:12,035 --> 01:37:14,871
But we've got some projections.
1815
01:37:15,664 --> 01:37:22,462
Stern has gone
from a 2.9 to a 5.6.
1816
01:37:23,463 --> 01:37:24,464
(CHOKING)
1817
01:37:25,924 --> 01:37:27,843
He's number one in the market.
1818
01:37:28,969 --> 01:37:30,762
He's the hottest DJ in New York.
1819
01:37:31,138 --> 01:37:32,139
(COUGH)
1820
01:37:32,222 --> 01:37:34,599
Kind of weird, you know?
1821
01:37:34,683 --> 01:37:40,147
I thought there was a mistake or
something, but, mm-mmm... No.
1822
01:37:41,231 --> 01:37:44,191
My girlfriends think I'm crazy for
letting you behave like that on the air.
1823
01:37:44,234 --> 01:37:45,819
What are you talking about?
1824
01:37:45,902 --> 01:37:49,031
It's those yentas you hang around
with. They're... They're driving you crazy.
1825
01:37:49,114 --> 01:37:51,742
It's not yentas, it's everybody.
1826
01:37:51,825 --> 01:37:55,162
I can't even get my hair done
without people looking at me like,
1827
01:37:55,245 --> 01:37:56,872
"Oh, God, that
poor little thing."
1828
01:37:56,955 --> 01:38:01,501
- Then go to a different hair shop!
- Please. It's not that.
1829
01:38:01,626 --> 01:38:03,503
- It's crazy. Don't go there.
- It's not that!
1830
01:38:03,587 --> 01:38:06,339
No wonder they think you're
sleeping around, look at me!
1831
01:38:06,423 --> 01:38:09,217
- What about you?
- I'm disgusting!
1832
01:38:09,384 --> 01:38:13,972
- I look like a house! Like an elephant!
- You look beautiful.
1833
01:38:14,056 --> 01:38:18,018
You don't look like an
elephant. You look gorgeous.
1834
01:38:18,101 --> 01:38:21,021
This is the most beautiful you've
ever looked. You're carrying our baby.
1835
01:38:22,481 --> 01:38:25,442
Let's sit down on this couch.
The problem is you're tired.
1836
01:38:25,567 --> 01:38:27,694
I am tired.
1837
01:38:33,700 --> 01:38:36,912
(WHISPERING) Look
at this. It's beautiful.
1838
01:38:38,288 --> 01:38:41,249
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
1839
01:38:42,626 --> 01:38:46,463
You know it though, don't you?
1840
01:38:46,797 --> 01:38:47,798
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
1841
01:38:48,757 --> 01:38:52,302
- Who would come here?
- I don't know.
1842
01:38:54,721 --> 01:38:55,722
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
1843
01:38:55,806 --> 01:38:56,807
I don't want to get that.
1844
01:38:56,890 --> 01:38:58,141
- (DOORBELL BUZZES)
- Oh.
1845
01:38:58,350 --> 01:39:02,354
- Okay, I'll get the door. Don't go away.
- Okay.
1846
01:39:05,649 --> 01:39:06,650
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
1847
01:39:08,151 --> 01:39:09,903
- Howdy, partner.
- Oh, hey, Kenny.
1848
01:39:09,986 --> 01:39:11,547
- How you doing?
- Can I come in just for a second?
1849
01:39:11,571 --> 01:39:14,741
- It's a bad time.
- Real quick. Listen.
1850
01:39:14,825 --> 01:39:15,992
I wanna tell you something.
1851
01:39:16,076 --> 01:39:17,619
You've won.
1852
01:39:17,702 --> 01:39:21,581
When the new ratings come out
tomorrow, you are going to be number one.
1853
01:39:21,665 --> 01:39:25,085
A point and a half higher
than Imus. You've slayed him.
1854
01:39:25,168 --> 01:39:26,229
You understand me? (CHUCKLES)
1855
01:39:26,253 --> 01:39:29,965
- Great news. Thanks, Kenny. I gotta go.
- Howard! Howard! Howard, listen...
1856
01:39:30,173 --> 01:39:34,219
I've been a real pain in the
butt, but that's all over with now.
1857
01:39:34,427 --> 01:39:36,596
You're gonna need
a friend on the inside.
1858
01:39:36,680 --> 01:39:40,976
I'm gonna do everything I can
for you. How's that sound, partner?
1859
01:39:42,644 --> 01:39:43,812
Fuck you.
1860
01:39:45,856 --> 01:39:46,857
(CHEERING)
1861
01:39:46,940 --> 01:39:49,776
People of New
York, people of Earth,
1862
01:39:49,860 --> 01:39:52,946
we are gathered here
today in praise of me!
1863
01:39:53,405 --> 01:39:55,198
(CHEERING)
1864
01:39:56,283 --> 01:39:59,077
Man, this is a
great day in my life.
1865
01:39:59,161 --> 01:40:02,998
I've been dreaming of
this day forever! Thank you.
1866
01:40:03,206 --> 01:40:04,499
Thanks!
1867
01:40:05,625 --> 01:40:09,421
When I got to NBC, they
treated me like I was a jerk.
1868
01:40:09,504 --> 01:40:13,175
They did everything to sabotage
me, but because of you...
1869
01:40:13,258 --> 01:40:14,259
(CHEERING)
1870
01:40:14,342 --> 01:40:20,223
Because of you, I am now the number
one disc jockey in New York. Thank you.
1871
01:40:20,307 --> 01:40:22,309
I love you for that. I love you.
1872
01:40:22,893 --> 01:40:24,186
Thank you!
1873
01:40:25,228 --> 01:40:28,899
This is my gift to you,
New York! AC/DC!
1874
01:40:30,066 --> 01:40:32,736
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
1875
01:41:03,475 --> 01:41:06,937
- How, my water broke.
- What?
1876
01:41:07,145 --> 01:41:09,356
My water broke!
1877
01:41:11,399 --> 01:41:13,777
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
1878
01:41:17,572 --> 01:41:19,824
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
1879
01:41:43,139 --> 01:41:45,475
(TIRES SCREECH)
1880
01:41:45,558 --> 01:41:47,143
(SIREN WAILS)
1881
01:41:47,227 --> 01:41:48,603
How!
1882
01:41:48,687 --> 01:41:52,148
- Now, push, push!
- No, don't push. Just breathe deeply.
1883
01:41:52,357 --> 01:41:56,319
- Don't push honey. Ice chips.
- Fuck ice chips, How!
1884
01:41:57,988 --> 01:42:00,824
We named her Emily,
7 pounds, 8 ounces.
1885
01:42:00,907 --> 01:42:02,951
She was incredibly
beautiful. Really nice.
1886
01:42:03,159 --> 01:42:04,703
You must've felt fabulous.
1887
01:42:04,786 --> 01:42:07,247
Yeah. I had everything I'd
ever wanted in life, you know.
1888
01:42:07,455 --> 01:42:12,377
You know, I have to admit that
I'm not a big fan of yours. In fact...
1889
01:42:12,460 --> 01:42:15,672
You thought I was a
disgusting, sexist, racist pig,
1890
01:42:15,797 --> 01:42:18,258
who had the maturity level
of a three-year-old, right?
1891
01:42:18,591 --> 01:42:21,344
- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah, I get that all the time.
1892
01:42:21,428 --> 01:42:23,596
But then you know what happens?
1893
01:42:23,680 --> 01:42:27,017
- What?
- I grow on you like a fungus.
1894
01:42:27,225 --> 01:42:28,435
(GIGGLES)
1895
01:42:29,269 --> 01:42:31,229
I can see that.
1896
01:42:34,524 --> 01:42:39,029
I have to tell you, this has
been a really great flight.
1897
01:42:39,237 --> 01:42:40,947
Really?
1898
01:42:41,740 --> 01:42:42,741
Mm-hmm.
1899
01:42:44,701 --> 01:42:50,123
I could get this girl. I know I could.
And this is the hell that's my life.
1900
01:42:50,332 --> 01:42:53,043
Think about it. What would it
be like to have sex with her?
1901
01:42:53,168 --> 01:42:54,544
It would be amazing!
1902
01:42:54,794 --> 01:42:58,048
But I'm not gonna act
on it. You know why?
1903
01:42:58,256 --> 01:43:01,593
Because I'm a schmuck.
No, because I love Alison.
1904
01:43:02,719 --> 01:43:06,890
She stuck with me through the
whole thing. You gotta respect that.
1905
01:43:07,557 --> 01:43:09,559
I think you have
to respect that.
1906
01:43:14,356 --> 01:43:16,149
You have to respect that.
1907
01:43:21,905 --> 01:43:24,366
- Hey, everybody!
- GIRLS: Daddy!
1908
01:43:24,532 --> 01:43:25,658
Boy, did I miss you!
1909
01:43:25,742 --> 01:43:28,203
(KISSES)
1910
01:43:28,286 --> 01:43:30,163
Let's go say hi to Mommy.
1911
01:43:30,372 --> 01:43:35,043
Hi. You miss me? Hi,
honey. I missed you.
1912
01:43:35,251 --> 01:43:37,295
Gloria! Honey, Gloria.
1913
01:43:37,504 --> 01:43:42,884
Gloria, honey. Maybe the two of you'd
like to have a ménage à trois tonight?
1914
01:43:43,093 --> 01:43:45,136
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.
1915
01:43:45,220 --> 01:43:48,139
- Just trying. See you, Gloria.
- Yeah, I know.
1916
01:43:48,223 --> 01:43:51,351
HOWARD: So, occasionally I
make a fool of myself in public,
1917
01:43:51,434 --> 01:43:52,936
and the FCC
wants me off the air,
1918
01:43:53,019 --> 01:43:56,064
and every fundamentalist group
in this country hates my guts.
1919
01:43:56,272 --> 01:44:00,110
And, yeah, most of the
things I do are misunderstood.
1920
01:44:00,318 --> 01:44:04,697
After all, being misunderstood is
the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?
1921
01:44:04,906 --> 01:44:07,826
But my life isn't bad
at all. I'm still on the air.
1922
01:44:08,034 --> 01:44:11,079
I've got my kids.
And I've got Alison.
1923
01:44:11,287 --> 01:44:14,207
Alison, she's the best
friend I could ever have.
1924
01:44:14,290 --> 01:44:18,169
Who knows? With a
little time, the right energy,
1925
01:44:18,378 --> 01:44:20,880
I think I could talk her
into some hot lesbo action.
1926
01:44:22,715 --> 01:44:24,801
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1927
01:44:28,805 --> 01:44:31,525
- STUTTERING JOHN: The movie's over?
- MAN: Well yeah, it's bullshit!
1928
01:44:31,641 --> 01:44:34,978
Know who I am? Stuttering John. You
know why I'm pissed? I'll tell you why.
1929
01:44:35,186 --> 01:44:37,772
I get up at 5:00 a.m. every
morning to work for Howard,
1930
01:44:37,856 --> 01:44:40,942
pissing off every publicist, burning
every freakin' bridge in the industry,
1931
01:44:41,025 --> 01:44:44,571
and (STUTTERS) you'd think Howard
would put me in this movie, but he doesn't!
1932
01:44:44,654 --> 01:44:46,156
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!
1933
01:44:46,239 --> 01:44:48,283
I've been here for eight
years cutting his potato,
1934
01:44:48,366 --> 01:44:51,578
getting smacked by Morton Downey,
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch.
1935
01:44:51,786 --> 01:44:54,789
What do I get? Fucking nothing!
I'm not even in this fucking movie!
1936
01:44:54,873 --> 01:44:56,207
He says I'll be in the sequel.
1937
01:44:56,291 --> 01:44:59,794
What sequel? If the movie sucks...
(STUTTERS) There won't even be a sequel!
1938
01:45:00,170 --> 01:45:02,297
(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)
1939
01:45:23,485 --> 01:45:25,945
ANNOUNCER: Ladies
and gentlemen, Mia Farrow.
1940
01:45:26,029 --> 01:45:27,739
(APPLAUSE)
1941
01:45:27,822 --> 01:45:30,533
Thank you. Thank you.
1942
01:45:31,451 --> 01:45:36,456
The nominees for Best
Actor are Harrison Ford...
1943
01:45:36,873 --> 01:45:37,874
(APPLAUSE)
1944
01:45:38,625 --> 01:45:41,711
Denzel Washington... (APPLAUSE)
1945
01:45:41,836 --> 01:45:44,964
Robert De Niro... (APPLAUSE)
1946
01:45:46,758 --> 01:45:49,844
Tom Hanks... (APPLAUSE)
1947
01:45:50,428 --> 01:45:52,263
Howard Stern.
1948
01:45:52,388 --> 01:45:53,389
(SILENCE)
1949
01:45:54,224 --> 01:45:56,184
And the winner is...
1950
01:45:57,352 --> 01:45:59,145
Howard Stern.
1951
01:45:59,354 --> 01:46:00,355
(MURMURING)
1952
01:46:01,189 --> 01:46:03,024
(TRUMPET FANFARE)
1953
01:46:06,152 --> 01:46:07,153
It's me!
1954
01:46:07,237 --> 01:46:08,238
(SNAP)
1955
01:46:08,321 --> 01:46:09,322
(GASPING)
1956
01:46:14,494 --> 01:46:16,454
(CROWD CHEERING)
1957
01:46:19,791 --> 01:46:21,876
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
1958
01:47:22,687 --> 01:47:25,523
I bear no grudge
against Howard Stern.
1959
01:47:25,732 --> 01:47:30,028
He's been very
successful. God bless him.
1960
01:47:30,236 --> 01:47:32,739
But I ain't done
too badly myself.
1961
01:47:32,822 --> 01:47:33,823
Uh...
1962
01:47:34,157 --> 01:47:37,910
I manage a shopping mall
down in Florence, Alabama.
1963
01:47:37,994 --> 01:47:42,624
It's the number one mall in Colbert
County and number four in the state.
1964
01:47:42,790 --> 01:47:44,834
So it's not too bad. Uh...
1965
01:47:44,917 --> 01:47:48,338
I play golf several
times a week, you know.
1966
01:47:48,504 --> 01:47:49,505
Uh...
1967
01:47:49,964 --> 01:47:54,677
But I tell you, if Howard
would've listened to me,
1968
01:47:54,886 --> 01:47:57,263
I'd still be up there in radio.
1969
01:47:58,681 --> 01:48:02,769
- Still be doing radio, you know.
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1970
01:48:02,852 --> 01:48:04,812
How about that?
1971
01:48:07,690 --> 01:48:10,610
That goddamn
motherfucker, you know?
1972
01:48:10,735 --> 01:48:11,736
(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1973
01:48:11,986 --> 01:48:13,464
- I tried every... thing...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1974
01:48:13,488 --> 01:48:14,840
- I could... think of...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1975
01:48:14,864 --> 01:48:17,033
To mold him into
a proper kind of DJ.
1976
01:48:17,241 --> 01:48:20,119
- But that...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1977
01:48:21,954 --> 01:48:24,332
I tell you, Howard Stern, man.
1978
01:48:24,415 --> 01:48:25,517
- That mother...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1979
01:48:25,541 --> 01:48:28,336
(SIREN WAILING)
1980
01:48:29,420 --> 01:48:32,173
I'll say that with
no shame either.
1981
01:48:32,799 --> 01:48:34,467
- The man's a...
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1982
01:48:35,385 --> 01:48:39,764
Foul-mouthed, immature...
The man's immature, you know.
1983
01:48:40,056 --> 01:48:42,475
- He's like a... child.
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
1984
01:48:43,351 --> 01:48:45,019
I'll tell you this much.
1985
01:48:45,103 --> 01:48:49,023
There ain't no God while
Howard Stern's walking the Earth.
1986
01:48:49,107 --> 01:48:50,942
- (JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
- I gotta go.
1987
01:48:54,987 --> 01:48:57,323
How about that?
Howard Stern, huh?
1988
01:48:58,783 --> 01:49:01,828
Howard Stern can
kiss my ass in hell!
1989
01:49:03,454 --> 01:49:05,873
(JACKHAMMER DRILLING)
164679
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