All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s02e01_English

Romesh and I are back.

This place is outrageous, Rom.

We're not getting any younger.

And there's a lot of stuff out there
we know nothing about.

Tracking a rhino.

In this series,
we're on a journey of discovery.

Am I into death metal?

Over the next four episodes...

we'll be delving into the worlds
of basketball...

ballet...
I look like a circus strongman.

..and cricket...
-Aaargh!
-Romesh!

..to find what we like.
(CHEERING)

And what we don't.
(SCREAMING)

We might even discover
a hidden talent.

(CRIES OUT)

Or we might just end up
humiliating ourselves.

You booked us into a spa and now
we're having tubes up our arse.

This week we're going to learn
all about ballet.

Hello.
BEETHOVEN: Fifth Symphony

And it's fair to say it's something
we know nothing about.

We've been given behind
the scenes access... (SNIGGERS)

..to one of the most prestigious
ballet companies in the world.

-Hello!
-I'm enjoying ballet,
but also trying not to cry.

We'll train like ballerinas...
Surrender to the pain.

(BOTH SCREAM)
We'll meet one of
the greatest dancers of all time...

Ballet is the ultimate art form.

Before taking to the stage
in a real production of Swan Lake.

What's happening?

So, Rombo. Ballet.
Are you a fan of it?

Am I a fan of it?

It feels a bit like it's
a sort of thing that people do
cos they feel like they should.

-Yes.
-They want to seem cultured,
so they go and watch the ballet.

Are you nervous about doing this?

I'm more worried about the outfit
than the....Oh, my God.

I hadn't even thought about it.

All I know is dancers' bodies
are the best bodies in the world.

Lisa keeps telling me that.
I'm gonna ask you a question.
I know the answer.

I said, "Do you feel more confident
about your body?"

And what you told me the other day
when you got out of the shower
-really made me laugh.
-Oh, my God.

(LAUGHS)

You caught sight of your naked
body... Cos it's such a big mirror.

You caught sight of your naked body
and what did you say?

I hate your body.
(LAUGHS)

Who was you talking to?

"I hate your body."
Looking at yourself alone.I...

Who's in charge of it?

It was such a bleak moment.
"I hate your body."

It's just sort of, like...
After I said it,

I just stood there
staring myself out for a bit longer.

Then went and had a shower like a
pathetic, fat, little tubby prick.

So, Romesh, we're en route to one
of the most, you know, famous

and respected ballet companies
in the world.

Where we going? Russia?
No.

Vienna?
Nope. Closer to home.

We're going to Birmingham!

The second largest city
in the UK and home to the M6.

And the Birmingham Royal Ballet:

one of the world's
finest ballet companies,

and for the next 24 hours, they were
gonna get two brand-new recruits.

We're both gonna be awful.
But let's face it,

I can't be any worse than Romesh
at ballet. Surely.

Can he dance?

Rob cannot dance.
And when I say cannot dance,

I don't mean he can't do ballet.

I mean, Rob can't even do
a side to side step at a wedding.

He's got absolutely no rhythm.

There's no connection
between what Rob does

and the music that's playing.

Fortunately for us, though...

Oh, hello, Marion.
-Oh, hi.
-Rob. Lovely to meet you.

..assistant director
and ballet royalty, Marion Tait,

was on hand to take us
under her wing.

-Thank you very much.
-What have
we got in store for you today?

You're putting us through our paces.
You know, you know what the plan is?

You've got a full day,
you've got a class.

You're gonna get to know
some dancers. They're gonna
-put you through your paces.
-OK.

So are we being assessed today?
Is that what's happening?

I think for your sakes, you need
to have a feel of what ballet is.

-Yes.
-Have you ever done ballet?
BOTH: No.

-No.
-No.
OK.

-No, never.
-But actually,
there's quite a lot of acting.

He's been in a sitcom. You've done
-some acting.
-I've done some acting.

You played...
What was the bloke you played?

Romesh.
Romesh, yes, he played.

Yeah. Sort of, played the downbeat
kind of Asian bloke.

Anyway, we need to get you working.
Perfect. Thank you very much.

See you later. Good luck.
Thank you for the opportunities.
We won't let you down.

-I hope you survive.
-Thank you
-very much. See you later.
-Goodbye.

♪ The Nutcracker, Op.71

But before we're allowed
to hit the dance floor,

ballet master Dominic Antonucci

invited us to watch him
and the company in training...

..so we could see exactly what
we had let ourselves in for.

You're welcome to join in anytime.

Thanks. Thanks.
We will just jump in if necessary.

Second group, please.
(PIANO MUSIC)

I feel like I don't know these
people well enough to watch them.

I feel like it's seeing
a different species.

Stretch doing the battement,
don't give in.

I struggle to put my arms out
for that long.

Straight to the floor.
(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)

See that? Spinning on tiptoes.
Impossible.

It was becoming very apparent
that Rom and I

might have bitten off
more than we can chew.

And although I was trying hard
to concentrate,

there was one serious
question on my mind.

Why have they all got
such massive cocks?

(DOMINIC GIVES INSTRUCTION)

There must be something in
their shorts as well as their penis.

I'm already thinking,
what am I gonna do with my...

I, um...

Look at his arse.
It's absolutely incredible.

I don't know where to look.
I know where to look.

You just don't wanna get caught.

I'm sorry to be base.

The arses on those blokes
are absolutely breathtaking.

Look at it.
Their physiques are insane.

What am I gonna do?
I've got zero arse.

I think in ballet my arse
might be a disability.

Let's take a front in, side in.

However, Romesh having no arse
was the least of our problems.

Side in, tendu close,
a battement close.

And tendu, pas de bourree,
straight to the fourth.

Everything was in French.
I didn't know what was going on.

One, tendu, battement and tombe pas
de bourree, squeezing the fourth.

I can't understand instructions
and I've not got the body for it.

What's going to happen?
I don't know what you want from me.

And even if I did, I couldn't
deliver it. Welcome to ballet.

We can't do it. I know
that sounds like an obvious thing.

But we can't even begin to do it.

It should be illegal for us
to think about doing it.

Hope to see you later.
Yes, sure.

Gonna be my partner?
Well, I don't know about that.

-We'll see. We'll see.
-Allow me to
-hope.
-OK, I hope so. Thank you.

So, it was fair to say
we weren't feeling very optimistic,

but it was hard to see how things
could get any worse.

We're dead. We are so dead.

♪ Swan Lake, Op.20

And then they did.

That training costume that we wore,

is one of the worst outfits
I've ever worn.

It's absolutely awful.
We look like shit.

-Hello.
-Well, we have some new
additions to our class today.

Yeah.
Welcome, Rob.

I've got a couple of new additions
to my insecurities as well
I didn't know about.

I can't see this ending well.

All right, guys, we're gonna take
you through the basics of ballet.
BOTH: OK.

The dancers are now gonna show you
the five positions of ballet.

So, we're taking first position.

Arms forward in a circle.

So we're making a nice circle
with the arms. That's it.

I look like a circus strong man.
(LAUGHS)

-You do a bit.
-This is a lot
for me to take in visually.

From my own reflection and from that.

(LAUGHTER)

The thing that I was surprised by is
that the moves they were showing us,

they were the simplest ballet moves
you could possibly show someone.

And I found them impossible.

Oh!
No.

Oh, God, I can't do it. I can't
-do it, Rob.
-You can. Keep going.

It's fine.

Oh...
(LAUGHS)

I know mine's shit,
but what the fuck was that?

It was at that point that I thought
this is the absolute worst,

Morale's low, isn't it?
I saw that in your eyes there.

I... It's...it's... I'm enjoying
ballet, but also trying not to cry.

So it's sort of... it's a
sort of a rollercoaster for me.

And then... Rob Beckett
turned out to be good at it.

When the dancer moves from
one position to the next

they always point their feet.

You have beautiful feet, sir.
Do I?

We need to work on those.
-OK.
-Is that good?

That's very good. Yes.
Oh, hello!

Out of the box.
Very nice.

Rob Beckett is good at ballet.

I couldn't have foreseen
that's what I'd say to you.

He's got no musicality
in him at all.

But, my God, is he graceful!

Yeah, see. Like that, loving it.
Yeah, so a little bit lower.

Yeah, perfect.
Oh, my God.

I'd say without wanting
to blow my own trumpet,

I think I had more of a natural...

you know, vibe towards ballet.

OK. I'm going to grab you shortly.

It just felt like
it came naturally to me.

Where the whole time,
Romesh looked like a panicked egg.

Oh, Jesus. I'm so sorry.

Was that my fault or hers?
Try again.(LAUGHTER)

Ready? Matthew, thank you.

(PIANO MUSIC)

Having smashed the basics

next Rom and I had to take
everything we had learned

and put it together
in our very own ballet routine.

Which was fine...for me.

(PIANO MUSIC)

Right, men. That's what you're
gonna be doing. That's the sequence.
We got that.

I'm just... We can't do that.

They're gonna give you
-a little bit of a clue.
-A clue?

And by clue you mean demonstrating
it right there.(LAUGHTER)

Because if that's not the clue,
-this ain't happening.
-OK.

Let's do once with a bit of help and
then we'll do it without them after.

Yeah, we'll build up to...
Who the hell are you?

I'm trying to be the bridge
between happy people and you.

-I'm happy.
-You are not happy.
I am happy.

This is a wonderful experience.
It's just I'm even worse
than you at this.

(LAUGHTER)
And...that is difficult.

I'm processing that.

So it takes a little bit of...
Do you know what I mean?

So let's just fucking do it.
(LAUGHS)

(PIANO PLAYS MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE)

-That was good.
-Yes.
I absolutely smashed it over here.

I saw that.
Did you do yours all right?

I don't know.
You did know. You absolute prick.

(LAUGHTER)
A hundred percent you knew.

The ballet master, right, loved Rob.

That's lovely flow, Rob.

"Rob, you're so natural."
Then the others,

obviously they're kissing
the master's arse as well,

so they're, "Rob, you are great."

Well done, Rob. You've learned
so much in a short space of time.
Thanks, mate.

Just keep going and learn, and you
pick bits up as you go, don't you?

I'm a natural. You've seen
my pointy toes. Powerful thighs.

Good, Rob. Excellent,
that is excellent.

I think if I did ballet
when I was younger,
maybe it could have been my thing.

Well done.

Well done.

Rob Beckett,
when he's good at something...

I don't wanna be anywhere near him.

♪ Pomp And Circumstance

Rob and I are in Birmingham to
train with the city's prestigious

Birmingham Royal Ballet Company.

And pas...

After watching the professionals
in action...

We are bang in trouble.

..and taken to the dancefloor
ourselves...

We look like shit.

..it turns out
that frustratingly

Good, Rob.

..Rob Beckett
is one graceful little prick.

Welcome to ballet.

(MUSIC ENDS)

So how's the day been?

I would describe it as difficult.
Yeah. Up and down.

Well, the plan is to get you two on

in a serious production
of Swan Lake.

OK. Are we gonna be in it?
That's the idea.

Swan Lake is a big deal, isn't it?

It is a huge classic ballet.

It's one of our heritage pieces,
which we are very proud of.

I know you take this...this sort
of challenge very seriously.

Of course.
I have found you a role.

So we're gonna be in Swan Lake?
You are. You are.

♪ Swan Lake, Op.20

When it comes to ballet, they don't
get any more iconic than Swan Lake.

At over 100 years old,

it's still one of the most
performed ballets in the world.

And I, for one,
am ready for my big break.

Court... It's court gent.
Court gent. Now...

You are the first people
that the audience see

when the curtain goes up
on the Queen's Palace.

OK? You are very important...
Yes.

..to the atmosphere of this Act III,

which opens in the Queen's Palace.
Is it quite a big part?

If you approach this in the serious
manner that you have done...

Of course.
..during today,

I think it will be very challenging,
but very rewarding.

We will not let you down.
OK.

♪ Radetzky March Op.228

Incredibly, Marion had entrusted us
with two roles in Swan Lake,

and unsurprisingly,
Rob was overconfident.

I'm excited and nervous
about Swan Lake,

because let's be honest,
if I have a blinder,

lose two stone, get ripped,
I've got a new career.

I can't visualise a way

in which this is gonna be anything
other than a disaster.

And by disaster I mean me being shit
and Rob absolutely smashing it.

So as we were now
fully-fledged members

of the Birmingham
Royal Ballet Company,

off we went to make-up and wardrobe.

Look at that.
Gorge, look at that.

Oh, I actually like
having hair this length.

-I think you get away with it.
-Can
you imagine you're at a nightclub?

She looks quite stylish.

Ooh, she's nice. Hey.

Urgh!
(LAUGHTER)

Excuse me, mate,
know where the toilets are?

Yes, I do, He-Man.

(LAUGHTER)

-What do you reckon?
-I actually think
weirdly that kind of suits you.

Oh, hello.
Am I into death metal?

How heavy do I like my metal?
Very heavy.

(GIGGLING)

This is my favourite.
You know what? That's the first one

that actually looks like
-it could be your hair.
-Yeah.

I don't do telly for a few years.
What happened to Beckett?

Hi. I'll be on Through The Keyhole.

-Yeah.
-Yeah, it's just got
a lot of gothic stuff.

You seen Beckett's opened
-that comic book shop?
-I love bats.

I love bats, comics
and rock-hard riffs.

Know what's so good about it? You've
got the wig - the outfit's complete.

That's exactly how they'd be.
-Yeah.
-The outfit... Yeah.

Well, I opened the erm...

Silver Samurai sword shop in '93.

(LAUGHTER)

Having tried on
nearly every wig in the department,

it was finally time to be fitted for
the wigs we'd be wearing onstage.

Oh, hello.

And they weren't quite
what we were expecting.

-Oh, hello.
-You've got a little crown
that goes over the top.

Oh, no.
(GUFFAWS)

It's good. Loads of...
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Right, if you just come round to
-the side here.
-What am I playing?

What's my role, paedophile?

Just lower that onto your head.
-OK.
-And move your fingers.

Do... I feel like I need a moustache.

You have got a moustache.
-Thank you.
-Thank God.

You can't go curtains and... Can you
imagine? He comes on like that.

Are you ready for your
-crowning glory?
-Yes, please.

Let's spin you around a little bit.
And this...

is what instigated the CRB check.

♪ Duh-duh, duh-duh, duh-dah!
(LAUGHTER)

Hi. I've come for the job
about the au pair.

Welcome to parents' evening.
I honestly... Your child...

Welcome to parents' evening. Your
child has been excellent this year.

I don't think you can look more like
a paedophile than you do.

You look like such a paedophile
that other paedophiles
would not hang out with you.

Yeah, I'm a giveaway.
-Yeah.
-The net would close in.

You'd blow their cover. As a mate...
Yeah.

..I think you're a good-looking guy.

But right now you look so horrible,
I can't even deal with it.

Just looming... Imagine this
-looming over you.
-So disgusting.

Just sweating.
Happy anniversary.

(LAUGHTER)

♪ JOHANN STRAUSS II:
Voices Of Spring

-Hello.
-Hello.
Oh, hiya. I'm Rob.

Nice to meet you.
Hi.

With our wigs sorted,
it was time to try on our costumes.

And straightaway it was obvious that
Rob and I were expected to embrace

the full ballet dancer experience.

All right. OK.
Where's that go?

Erm... Normally
you'd wear this underneath.

So that on flesh?
It goes onto nak...onto flesh?

Is that a new one?
And then after we've tried that on
will you burn it?

So, are we just... Hang on.
Are we just putting this on?

With no pants?
What?

I don't know what's, like,
telly now and what's real life.

(LAUGHTER)

Costume fitting
was one of the top three

most humiliating things
I've ever done.

Probably won't get my knob
and bollocks out. Just put them on
-over my pants.
-OK. Sure.

The other two are part of this series
as well. So we're smashing that.

(SNIGGERS)
Keep laughing at this point.

I'd rather people laugh
-at this stage.
-Sorry.

It's just that we've met these
ladies less than a minute ago.

(LAUGHTER)
I know. God.

Oh, that's gone right up, hasn't it?

Do you want a T-shirt?
Ohhh!

What's up?
What's wrong?

You suddenly... Have a look at me.
What do you think's wrong?

A lot of clothes, baggy and tight.

Oh, that's not very nice,
is it, that?

I can give you a black t-shirt
to wear under it.
That's disg... That is horrible.

OK. Come on, Romesh, let's do this.

I would describe the costume fitting
as needlessly humiliating.

(LAUGHTER)
Oh, God.

Putting the jockstrap on:
embarrassing, humiliating.

That is invasive, that jockstrap.
That gets right in there.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

Like, buy me a drink first in there.

Can we please get a top half layer
on, urgently?

Thank you. Oh, that's done it.

That's covered up all... That's
covered up all the business areas.

Thank God for that.
Yeah.

Then we've gotta put some boots on.
Hugely embarrassing.

And then put a massive coat on
that covers everything up.

Oh, Jesus.
It's heavy, innit?

OK.
-You look great.
-Yeah?

Why have I been given a jockstrap?

First of all tell us that
we're gonna wear a massive coat

and then let's decide how much
detail's gotta go underneath.

Right. We're gonna head off
-to the Bullring.
-Yeah.

Go Nando's or something.

Finishing touch.

♪ JOHANN STRAUSS II:
On The Beautiful Blue Danube

Look at that.
Come on.

But before we were allowed to strut
our stuff in the Bullring,

Marion had one final surprise...

as principal dancer Tyrone Singleton
introduced us to the perfect way

to wind down
after a busy day of ballet.

-OK.
-So, basically,
as a professional ballet dancer,

after a day's full hard work,

the best way
to recuperate your muscles

is to dunk yourself
in this ice bath.

So...over to you.

Good luck.

I'm not doing this.
This is mental, isn't it?

Go.
Right. I'll go this side.

I'll get over...
No, I'm not going in.

It's like doing a shot, right?
OK.

OK. Feet.

(GASPS, CRIES OUT)

-Oi!
-It's cold. It's getting worse,
it's getting worse.

It's not getting warm.
You're supposed to get used to it.

Aaargh!

Aaargh!
I can't do it.

I can't do this. I can't do this.
I cannot do that. Oh, my god!

(BOTH CRY OUT)

Oh!

You all right, guys?
It doesn't... I can't...

It's impossible to do, mate.

Yeah, I'm not gonna lie.
It's not pleasant.

But you just gotta, like,
surrender to the pain.

You just have to go for it.
OK.

I'm not gonna lie,
you've just gotta jump in.

Gotta commit. Go for it.

(BOTH SCREAM AND YELL)

(SCREAMS INTENSIFY)

(SCREAMING AND YELLING)

Help! Someone help.
Someone help! Someone help!

Oh! Oh!
Oh, my God!

-Hey.
-Fuck you, Tyrone!
Oh, God, Tyrone!

(YELLS)

(YELLING AND PANTING)

(WHIMPERS)
(TYRONE LAUGHING)

God. That is mental.

Did the training, done the ice bath.

Now I'm gonna spend the next hour
trying to find my dick. Let's go.

OK. I don't think it's in there.

♪ JOHANN STRAUSS II:
Tritsch-Tratsch-Polka, Op.214

Rob and I have been training hard.

Good, Rob.

As tomorrow night,
we'll be taking to the stage

to perform in the
Birmingham Royal Ballet's

touring production of Swan Lake.

We've got the costumes.

Oh, my God.
Yeah.

We've even got the hair.

(LAUGHS)

Now, all we had to do
was try not to humiliate ourselves

in front of some of the world's
greatest ballet dancers.

Come on, Romesh!

I can't see this ending well.

How you feeling about Swan Lake,
performing?

Well, first of all take the smugness
-out of your voice.
-What?

Cos I know that you're feeling
great about it. You're a natural.

I'm in a good place. What can I say?

-What about you?
-Well, I've been
meaning to talk to you about this.

OK.
When we chat on the phone

before we're about to go out
and do these things... Yeah.
..gonna do the challenge,

you always say to me:
"We're comedians.

We're supposed to be shit at stuff.
Don't worry about it, relax."

Until you have a sniff
that you might be good at something.

And then...
you become an absolute wanker.

Then all of a sudden,
it's all about succeeding.

It's all about
absolutely smashing it.

When does that happen?
When does that happen?

Mate, any time that it looks like
you might be good at something,

you become a complete tosser.
-Isn't everyone like that?
-No.

I don't mind if
-you become like that, right?
-Yeah.

But it's just the fact
that you reason because you think
you might be shit as well,

so then you're being
all gentle, gentle.

"No, Rom, don't worry. We're
just trying to make a show. Relax."

And then suddenly, "Oh,
you're a bit.. Just shit, mate.

You're shit!"
No, but you've... I've been...

"How come you're so shit at this,
Rom? How come you're crap at this?"

Let's run through the challenges.
Right?

NFL. You were better
at catching it than me. Right?

You actually caught one in training.
We were both bad at the event.

Until... Until you thought you'd won
and then you become a tosser.

So there you go. There's one.
What's the next one?

Jamaica dancing.
-We were both bad at that.
-Yeah, OK.

-You were better than me.
-You didn't
dispute... So, there you go.

You discovered one I was better at,
then it's all about us doing it
-together.
-Nashville.

You were better than me
at the country singing.

And then it's all a journey.
It's all about us together.

We're in it together.
Modelling: I changed.

Yeah, of course you did.
When that good photo came out.

"Oh, I don't know why you...
It's weird, innit?

You'd have thought that you'd be
better at it cos you're
straight-faced all the time.

It turns out I'm really good at it.
Who would've known?"

Do you see what I'm saying?
Yeah.

But before I could kick-start
my new career in ballet,

Marion had invited
Romesh and I to Southampton

to watch tonight's performance
of Swan Lake

on the very stage
we'll be dancing on tomorrow.

I'm actually quite excited.
Are you? Why?

Now we're in here, bit of a buzz.
Loads of people. 3,000...

3,000 people in here
watching a ballet.

Yeah. I'm up for it.
It's exciting.

Would you ever come
on a date night with Lisa?

This is like a date night activity,
isn't it?

Well, the problem we have is we're
not really into the same things.

So every single time we go out,
-one of us makes a compromise.
-OK.

What about you?
We don't really do date night.

What we may do is get a takeaway.

And then have, like,
a couple of bottles of wine.

And then I'll start the er...
you know, the... Yeah.

Hi, babe.
Yeah.

Just a bit of that.
Yeah.

And then...fingers crossed for...
Fingers crossed?

That feels like a weird way
-to do it.
-That's how she gets off.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Do you think this is
appropriate chat for the ballet?

Cos I don't.

(ORCHESTRA STRIKES UP)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

With less than a day to go
before it's our turn on the stage,

tonight was our one and only chance

to familiarise ourselves
with the production.

But while the dancers' physiques
were there for all to see,

the story was
a little harder to define.

The best way to describe how I found
that first section was...

impenetrable.

(MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE)

But just then, dancers wearing very
familiar costumes took to the stage,

giving Rob and I a chance
to finally see what we'd be doing.

(APPLAUSE)

♪ TCHAIKOVSKY: Swan Lake Main Theme

By this point, we'd both given up

trying to figure out
what was going on.

So Rob decided to entertain himself
by narrating the performance.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Rob and I were...struggling.

It sounds disrespectful,
I don't mean it to be.

It's just that we just sort of
thought this is exactly...

what we thought it was gonna be
in a bad way.

You know, I'm not gonna
be able to access this.
I'm not enjoying it at all.

And then as soon as
that second act started...

♪ Entrance Of Swans

(APPLAUSE)

♪ Dance Of The Little Swans

They turn up at that lake.
All those cygnets come out.

♪ Dance Of The Little Swans

Just all of their feet, just...

It was beautiful.

(APPLAUSE)

So to our surprise,
we'd enjoyed the show.

MAN: Come in.

Which was just as well
because we'd been invited backstage

to meet the Birmingham Royal
Ballet's new creative director,

and ballet living legend,
Carlos Acosta.

Carlos is not
your typical ballet dancer.

Raised on the mean streets of Cuba,

he went on to become arguably the
greatest dancer of his generation.

Imagine Messi and Ronaldo
rolled into one.

But as a ballet dancer.
That is Carlos Acosta.

So, you've seen Swan Lake?
-Yes.
-It was amazing.

How do you get on?
It was very, very good. Very good.

What I noticed was, first of all,
the...the...

if you don't mind me saying,
on the male ballet dancers

the arses on those men is
-absolutely breathtaking.
-Oh, rump!

Why are their arses so big, Carlos?
Eight hours every day -
that's pure muscle.

Just squatting.
You know, lifting the leg, jumping.

That's what...what you do.
It's like it needs a new name.

No...
It's not an arse any more.

Yeah, I would just say
the bottom half of those costumes,

I would say is quite unforgiving.

Do you know what I mean?
Yeah, like...not for Carlos.

-No, not for you, sure.
-For us.
But for normal humans...

I think that may be us.
Do you know what I mean?

-No, no, no, Romesh.
-Yeah?
The problem's you.

Yes. No, I appreciate that, sorry.
The trousers are fine.

I don't wanna blow my own trumpet,
I've lost a bit of weight.

My tits have got a little bit
smaller, right?

I used to have moobs.
They've gone down.

However, I don't know if I've now got

sort of like tits
at the bottom of my back.

But I don't know if they're new
or if they've always been there.

But I didn't notice them
until they went down.

I'm not sure what your question is.

The question is...
Yeah.

Erm... I just wanted to tell you
I've been doing some...working out.

(ALL LAUGH)

You don't dance as much now,
obviously. But do you miss it?

What do you try
and replace that buzz with?

Or can you not replace it?
Man, no. You can't replace it.

(LAUGHTER)
It's so addictive.

And it's just so wonderful.

You know, it's when I feel
the most happy when I'm on stage.

It's...it's incredible, man.
It's like...

It's profound, you know?

It's like when you're there, you...

you know, you have the...
the costume.

And you are in that space,
that black box.

And the music and the adrenaline,
and the full orchestra.

And, you know, it's just incredible.

-You know?
-And the ultimate dream
was to be in Birmingham.

(LAUGHS)

But er... It is one of the
most respected ballet companies
in the world.

Yeah. But as a city, it's great...

I mean, I don't wanna get grief
from the people of Birmingham here.

Watch out, watch out
how you're talking.

If I could go to somewhere else
on holiday... Yeah.

I go would go there
-other than Birmingham.
-Sure.

We're gonna be performing
in Swan Lake.

What advice would you give us for our
first performance of Swan Lake?

Live the world on stage
and interact as much as you can

because it's something special, man.

-Amazing.
-And just enjoy it.
I mean, Tchaikovsky music.

What better music? It's the best.
Yeah.

-You're a big fan.
-It's always
been your favourite.

Yeah, what's your favourite track?
Erm...

-The first one he did.
-Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

Cheers, Carlos. It's been amazing.
Thank you so much.

-Appreciate it.
-Thank you so much.
Cheers. We won't let you down.

Yeah! That's it.
Well, we probably will.

You will.

-Swan Lake?
-Yeah, I'm actually feeling
optimistic about ballet now.

I'm pleasantly surprised.
-Me too.
-OK.

I'm in the "could be a fan"
category. Where you are at?

I'm in the "could be a fan" category
-as well.
-Welcome to the club.

No, that's not... Hold on.
You can't say welcome to the club.
We're in the club at the same time.

-OK.
-You're not
the guardian of the club.

I feel like I'm in charge
of the club.

No, you're not in charge
-of the club.
-I feel like...

I know your people think you're in
charge of the club for many years.

But we're in the club now.
Deal with it.
OK. But I still started the club.

You can't change that.
You're allowed in now.

Which I think is good.
(LAUGHS)
Let's go.

It's not "welcome to the club".

We're both going into
the club together.

OK, but I've gotta go in first
to make sure we get in.

"I've got a brown mate with me.
Is it all right?""Yeah, he's fine."

Romesh and I have been taking on
the world of ballet.

And after being put through our paces

it had become apparent that one
of us was clearly a natural.

Good, Rob. Excellent.

And in just a few hours' time,

we'll be putting
these new skills to the test

and performing alongside
the Birmingham Royal Ballet

in a sold-out production
of Swan Lake.

I can't visualise a way

in which this is gonna be
anything other than a disaster.

Excited, a bit of ballet?
I wouldn't say I'm excited, no.

I know you're excited because
you think you're gonna smash it.

It could be the first day
of my new life. Who knows?

Well, everybody knows,
apart from you, it seems.

You're not gonna a ballet dancer.

What more could I have done up until
this point to become a ballet dancer?
Actually be good at it.

I was all right. I did well enough.
You were better than me.

They said a natural.
Not my words. The words of Dominic.

Stop trying to bring me down.
-I'm excited.
-OK. Great. Let's go.

See? Graceful.

But as we made our way
on stage for final rehearsal...

Hello? You all right?

..Marion had some news for us that
would burst Rob's little bubble.

We've got a change of plan.
-All right.
-Meet Claudia.

Hello, Claudia.
Hello. Nice to meet you.

-Romesh, meet Bella.
-Hello, Bella.
Nice to meet you. You all right?

Romesh and Bella,
-get to stage right.
-OK.

Now, a slight change.
So, second eight.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.

Now, you and Romesh
are gonna walk to each other.

Look at each other
and just think of looking

at your court lady
and going back to her.

OK.
OK. Try it.

Stepping out, walking in.

Two, three, prepare.

And bow, six, seven, eight. Walk.

One, two, three. Don't swing
the arms and back to your girl.

-That'll do.
-Bit of
an embarrassing squeaky noise.

If you do that with style,
that would be fine. OK?

Throughout the whole rehearsal,
all of the dancers and Marion

have all been saying, "You're doing
so well, You're doing so great.

Gosh, we didn't expect you
to be this good.

Wow, you've really taken to it."

OK? And all of that means Jack shit

because they've given us
walking parts.

Walk. Two... Yes.

..three, four, turn.

Six. Good, guys.

This is looking better.
The rehearsals were very quick.

And I don't know
if I wasn't taking it in properly,

but it felt like
we weren't doing anything.

I don't wanna be needy, but I don't
think you're using the most of me.

I'm actually automatically... He's
doing the left side which is harder.

-Yes.Aren't you?
-That's harder?
Yes, that's harder.

Is it?
I'm absolutely buzzing.

It couldn't have gone better for me.

Could I just have
the three ambassadors?

Rob, on the other hand...

-Cos I've got a full in me.
-Sit down.
But that's too much?

So you want a single?
You're upstaging the principals.

We've both got shit parts.
How do you like that, dickhead?

I haven't got time. I've got to
rehearse the rest of the company.

(SNIGGERS)

So, even after our efforts
in training,

it turns out that Marion
had cut our parts down

and I was not happy about it.

I can't help feeling that you're
a little bit...a little bit upset.

Well, at one point...
Cos you were so good at the ballet,
weren't you in the training.

Oh, OK.
Now we've got the same part.

-Yes.
-Walking on.
I was a little bit annoyed.

Has it damaged your ego
a little bit, Rob?

Maybe it's body diversity. Maybe I
look too much like a ballet dancer.

It's just, like, "Oh, whatever.
Another one of them."

And then you're there.
"Look, a normal guy."

Do you know what you look like?
You look like you should be
sat on top of a wall.

Oh!
If you want me to be honest.

You think I look like Humpty Dumpty?

(LAUGHS)

Coming from a man
that when he laughs his belly moves.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Curtains up was now less
than 30 minutes away.

Giving us just enough
time to loosen up...

Can you feel any arse at all?

(LAUGHS)

Get into our hair and makeup...

What period is this from?

I'd say '70s radio DJ period.

And as the audience
started to take their seats,

slip into costume... Oh, God,
I forgot how heavy this was.

..and make our way to the stage.

(MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE)

Are you feeling nervous?
Am I feeling nervous?

About making my ballet debut?
Yeah.

Our heavyweight costumes
weren't helping our nerves.

But, thankfully, we weren't
the only ones suffering.

Nice, nice, nice.
-What are you?
-You look great.

I'm a pope.
You're a pope.

Well... I'm the Italian ambassador.
I look like an Italian princess.

You look like a princess from
a Star Wars prequel.

Are you keeping the glasses on?
Yeah. It's authentic.

He should take them off.
My courtly gentleman wore glasses.

No-one had glasses in this era.
Yes, they did.

Excuse me. Excuse me.
Rob, one of the fellow dancers.

Erm... Romesh has got his..
-Oh, God.
-What was that?

Romesh has got his glasses on.
Yeah.

Should he have glasses on for this

or should he take them off
if he's in costume?

That's not my decision to make.
What would you do
if you had to wear glasses?

I mean, I wear glasses.
I wear contacts for shows.

So you've prepared? You wouldn't
ever wear them in a performance?

And you wear glasses? What,
-all the time you need them?
-Yeah.

Me too. I've got contacts in.
Just another question.

Would you ever do a performance
looking like a paedophile?

Happy? I'll take the glasses off.
Thank you.

I'll just have them here
in case I need them.
Perfect. Great compromise.

OK?
Yeah, fine. I'm fine with that.

(MUSIC BUILDS)

So here we go.

As the second act began,

Romesh and I got ready to step out
on the stage for our ballet debut.

♪ Swan Lake, Op.20, Act II

As we strode confidently
across the stage...

..completed our pirouettes

and walked back to our partners...

..we had done it.

Yep, the Birmingham Royal Ballet

had been so utterly disappointed
with our ballet skills,

all they'd given us to do
was one tiny spin.

But I didn't care.

As far as I was concerned,
we were ballet dancers.

And as far as we could tell,
our job now was to keep quiet

and remain on stage
for the rest of the performance.

With our big moment complete

we were now nothing more
than glorified extras.

Which, as our court ladies
told us, meant we'd have to act.

(APPLAUSE)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYS)

As one scene led to another,
Rom and I eventually found ourselves

acting opposite each other.

We still had no idea
what was actually going on.

But...we started to get into it.

♪ Swan Lake Main Theme

Rom?

Where we going?

(MUSIC BUILDS)

(CRASH OF LIGHTNING)

(APPLAUSE)

(ORCHESTRA PLAYING)

So with the conclusion
of the successful performance,

Rob and I had, for one night only,

become part of the
Birmingham Royal Ballet.

(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)

And with the applause
still ringing in our ears,

we headed backstage to reflect.

Mate, I actually enjoyed it.

I sort of hoped you'd screw it up.
Like, a part of me did.

-Yeah.
-Like in a funny way. But then
it was good that we nailed it.

What would you saying to people? You
know, when they sort of spoke to you?

Yeah, I was saying stuff like,
"That was a good dance, wasn't it?"

What did you say?
Well, the Queen beckoned me over.

Right. What did you say to her?
She went, "Ssh-schw-schw."

And what did you do?
"Ssh-schw-schw."

OK, that sort of looks racist.
How?

Well, you've sort of gone,
"Ssh-schw-schw-schw."

She went, "Ssh-schw."
Yeah, that looks fine.

What did you do?
"Ssh-schw-schw."Yeah.

It still looks bad.
-Even with the cup?
-Yeah.

Oh... Ice bath?
Always.

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