All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s01e03_English

The following programme contains very
strong language.

ROMESH: Ten years ago,
Rob Beckett and I met

on the comedy circuit
and we've been friends ever since.

I think we complement each other.
He's sad, I'm happy.

He'll always have
a smile about things.

It's just a shame that
that smile is so punchable.

Now we're putting
our friendship to the test...

Why are we in this vehicle?
Bigger the better, innit?

..as we travel the world together...
I'm gonna get out of here

and smack your ass with this.
OK, get out, then.

..to meet some of
the greatest athletes on the planet.

(ALL LAUGH)

As well as some of the biggest stars

from the world of music
and entertainment.

We'll be immersing ourselves
in their world

to find out what makes
them who they are.

I look happy, don't I?
Just minus the skill...

Oh, my God.
..talent...

I haven't been this close to my wife
in about three weeks.

..or motivation...
Jesus Christ.

Bolt don't do this.

..that makes them mega stars.
Holy shit.

This week Romesh and I
are learning about

the multi-million pound industry
that is fashion.

Rob's not fashionable,
I'm not fashionable.

My fashion strategy

is, "Does this smell?"
If not, I'm gonna wear it.

On our quest for discovery we'll
be hanging out with David Gandy,

the most famous
male model in the world,

and he'll be sending us on a journey
to try and become models ourselves.

Rom.
-Fashion.
-Fashion.

Are you excited about fashion.
I just think

that you're not a fashion person,
if the number one remit

for a garment is,
does it hide my tits?

100%. That's why
the bomber jacket is good.

You've got your T-shirt
down the middle,
tit flanker in the jacket.

That's why I always get excited
when it starts to get cold.

Cos layers...
Layers is your friend.

They're such a friend.

Rom and I have reached an age
where we're more concerned

about hiding our man boobs
than dressing to kill.

We're out of touch in fashion,
so what better way

to begin our journey
into the industry

than by heading off
to meet the most famous

male model on the planet,
David Gandy?

The definition of tall, dark
and handsome,

he's been the face of some of
the biggest designer brands

and graced magazine covers
around the world.

I just can't imagine
what your life's like

when you're that good looking.
I know.

How could you be friends
with him, as well,

cos I look ugly next to you?

Imagine being out with Gandy.
Could you even imagine

what the comparison will be like?
Oh, it's...

Got to see David Gandy, though,
but I wonder why he's bought his pet.

So, what is
your physical hang-ups, right?

You do your top three, I'll do my
-top three.OK. Stomach.
-Yeah.

-Eye.
-Eye.
I would say the eye is distracting,

but it gives you a bit of character.
When you say distract,

what do you mean by distracting?
Sometimes when I look at you

I don't know which eye to pick.
I just go for bridge of nose.

That is one of the worst things
that anyone

has ever said to me.
Really? (LAUGHS)

It's only when I think about it.

I've known you for ten years. Are you
telling me that over that ten years,

you've had times when you think,
"I'm just gonna look at his nose"?

I'll tell you what, if you look at
anyone and overthink it, you panic

and don't know where to look.
Rob, I'm not a car crash.

Sorry. It's not just you.
"I don't know what to focus on

when I'm looking at you
and talking to you.!

Not all the time. Sometimes.
"I look at you nose

to avoid looking
at your distracting eye."

And, also, you said it straight
after I told you

it's one of my biggest hang-ups.

You literally...
Literally, psychologically,

the worst strategy
you could have taken.

Tell me your three hang-ups,

so I can shit on them for you.
Sorry, that was bad.

So, your belly, your eye, what else?
My arse.

Your belly, eye, arse? My three...

It counts as two separate ones.

Tits and nipples.
Tits and nipples.

Cos if the tits went the nipples
are still a problem?

You can see that bulbous lump
through my T-shirt sometimes.

No, you can't.
You can.

And that is what a friend does, OK?

Cos I'll be honest with you, I have
noticed your nipples.(LAUGHS)

But I didn't say it like that

because I know how to deal
with a human and be a friend.

(LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY)
"I have noticed your nipples."

David has invited us
to his favourite tailors

in London's Savile Row
and we were hoping

he was gonna give us some insights
into the world of fashion.

David.
How are you?

Rob. Nice to meet you.
-David. Pleasure.
-Hello. Romesh.

Romesh, David.
You are gorgeous.(LAUGHS)

You're not messing about
with your face, are you?

The initial thing is, you know, the
most famous male model in the world.

-Would you say that?
-I'll take it.
Who is your competition?

If you're Messi, who's Ronaldo?

Different guys for different
-positions.
-That is a dreadful way

of hiding the fact that you know
you're number one.

I am the best. Number one.
I'm genuinely fascinated by this,

because I'm an unattractive man.
You don't have to...

Please don't disagree with me.
You haven't gone to. No, but I...

I'm an unattractive man,
Rob's pretty ugly.

Wow, I'm not that bad.
What is it like to be this hot?

Do you ever look yourself
in the mirror and go...

(WHISPERS) "Yeah, this is decent?"

No.
-Never?
-Come on, Dave.

I do it with my face, so you should
be doing it, or I'm mental.

You have good days, bad days.

It's like some days you walk out and
you go, "You're looking all right."

I think, if I looked like you,
I'd be awful.

I think I'd be an absolute animal.

I don't know what you do with three
layers on. I'd have shirt off 24-7,

just bowling about going,
"Have a look at that.

I'm not messing about. Number one
male model in the world."

What parts of you
are you not a fan of?

Well, my mum said I'd grow into this
nose one day and...

That hasn't happened?
Your nose ain't that big.

-It's quite substantial.
-Isn't a
strong nose an attractive trait?

I don't know, but there's two things
that don't stop growing, your nose
and ears.

That's three things.
I'm in trouble.

It's counted as one, surely.
You know, you'd think

there are things I like about
myself. You don't necessarily think

you're as attractive
as some other people.

I'm waiting for that.

I'm waiting for that person
to go, "Come on

You've had a really good time for 16
years, a good innings but..."

"We've had a chat,
the nose is too much."

Come on."
"You don't know what you're doing."

That's true.
I absolutely have no idea.

I also hate having my photo taken.
Really?

That's your main job though, innit?
It pretty much is.

That's the weirdest thing people say
to me.

That's like your curse.
Your beauty is a curse.

I'm sorry to say,
that makes me feel a bit better,

because you are so good looking.

I want some part of your life to be
miserable. Do you know what I mean?

Cos otherwise I can't...
I can't carry on.

I don't mean that personally to you.

I just need for me to continue
believing in God.

Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?

Have you ever had a moment
with an image or something

that you thought was a bit of a wow
moment in your career

cos you had that huge 50-foot
billboard in Times Square.

That's what kicked off everything.

It was Light Blue
for Dolce and Gabbana.

And I think the reason I wanted to
then make a name

and become established in fashion,
too,

cos everyone just knew me me
-as White Pant Boy.
-Yeah.

"Ah, is that white pant boy?" I
said, "I've got to change this."

Are you an ambassador for
Battersea Dogs Home, as well?

About a year ago.
You're absolutely cleaning up

with the women, aren't you?

Just like, "Oh. "I'm a male model,
and I look after sick dogs."

-Yeah.
-Leave some for the rest of us,
Dave.

You're an animal.
It's ridiculous.

What's your default...
If you're having a photo...

I just do a good grimace. I've got
really quite far 16 years

just by looking grumpy.

Oh, that was it. Did you see that?

He just went straight into it.
Or else I just do that.

That's got me quite far, that one.

I actually questioned my sexuality
for a split-second.

Then you're back into it and now
it's gone.

Cos I'm not a model, anywhere
near... You're not a model? No way.

Just to confirm,
so I don't step on your toes.

-The cameras are still running.
-I
think I'd too mouthy to be a model.

I don't think that's gonna be
the main problem.

"he talks talks too much.
That's why you can't be a model."

I don't think that's gonna be the
deal breaker.

You've got a few fashion lines.
If you had to pick

one of us to model for you,

who would you choose as a model...
For one of my...

Yeah. Who do you think
is better looking?

Who would you pick?

Business head-on.
You want to show your...

Yeah, you want to show diversity.

-They go for the ethnic market.
-Don't
start getting the old ethnic thing.

If you want get the brown pound,
you have to go for it.

It's a really good point.
Come on, mate. There's a campaign,

and it's Krishnan Guru-Murthy
and someone else.

That's covered. You can't slip in
-there.
-Fine.

Right? And you just need someone to
be in the campaign who -

Is Krishnan Guru-Murthy might go
to...

I was trying to think
of the most famous Asian man

that wears glasses that I could
and I think I nailed it.

The fashion industry is so
diverse... Yeah.

..and I think that's where
we're all trying to...

We're trying to open up the
-barriers.
-Brown pound.

And, face it, not anyone can model.
You're banking on brown?

You know what they say
about fashion?

The money's all in masala now.

So you'd pick him.

So, basically, we are in a situation
where we're trying

to find out about fashion.
We know nothing.

We want to know
what modelling's all about,

what fashion's all about, what we
should look for, dos and don'ts.

Have you got any tips for us
that can help?

When people say, "I don't know
anything about fashion, I'm not
interested,

say you guys, you put your outfit
together. Today you chose it.

-Yeah.Right?
-Yes.
So you have got interest in fashion.

There's no right or wrong.
I won't have people saying,

"That's a bad outfit, that's a good
outfit." There's no right or wrong.

Who are you to say this is right
or wrong?

Him in a boob tube.

Romesh Ranganathan in a boob tube,
right or wrong?

Come on, mate.
You're rocking my confidence.

Nipples looking the same way
as the eyes.

Thank you, Dave.
Is it all right to call you Dave?

I've done it. I've pulled back.

-Thanks so much.
-Pleasure.
See you.

Keep being good looking, yeah?

This week David Gandy
has been teaching us

all about the world of fashion,

and to learn what it is like
to be a male model

he books us up a session with top
fashion photographer Nicky Johnston,

whose clients include
Nicole Scherzinger,

Justin Bieber and now us.

Nicky?

So, boys, how are you feeling
about today? Excited?

Yeah, very excited.
We know we're a bit, like,

rough around the edges, but we're
willing to put all the effort in.

I'm gonna run you through some
example photo shoots,

and we're gonna end in the ultimate

of male modelling,
which is swimwear.

-OK.
-Why is that the ultimate
of male modelling?

Because it's showing
your physique off.

It's a very strong.
We're recreating a big,

advertising campaign image.
Yeah.

Can I go and have a shit?
Is that all right?

Do anything you need to do.
If I get one of them out...

Mate, you're not gonna shit yourself
a six-pack.(LAUGHS)

You probably think male modelling
is quite easy.

Yes.
Trust me, it isn't.

What we need to do is transform you
a little bit,

get you into hair and make-up, some
clothes, and I'll see you later.

Let's do it. Thank you very much.
Thank you.

From today, I expect a portfolio
that will lead

to and agent and a ten-year -
(ROMESH LAUGHS)

What? See, this is my problem.

He's just not a believer.
He's so negative.

I've sort of got a sort of a...
a large, kind of, ugly kind of head.

My body isn't great.
You have no arse.

I've got a very high body fat
percentage.

I haven't got an arse. He's right.
No ass.

I've just got a line at the top
-of my legs.
-Round the belly he's...

Yes, I'm carrying a lot body weight.

I've got the typical South Asian
-sort of paunch.
-Yeah.

-Tits.
-Yeah, tits, as well.
Yeah. All right, mate.

(LAUGHS)
It's like getting heckled
by the voice inside my head.

We can just go for it.
Like, why can't we be models?

You're so full of shit, mate?
What? "Why can't we be models?"

Yeah.
There's a mirror right there.

Have a look.
That's why you can't be a model.

But, yeah, well, if we can't do it

under these circumstances,
we can never do it.

I can tell you that before you do
-this.
-Is it mine or yours?

We can't do it.
We don't have to -

Will you put some on his lips to
shut him up, please, Carla.
Is that all right?

It was time to face the cameras,
and for our first look

Wardrobe decided to ease us in
gently and go for something subtle.

So, what do you think?
NICKY: It's the height

of street fashion.
Is that found on the street?

(LAUGHS) In the gutter.

Who wants to go first?
This guy.

You look great.
Let's get going, then.

Let's try and move your face.
That's quite nice,

that fiery, that's good. Yes, hold
that there.(CAMERA CLICKS)

Jesus! You actually... Jesus Christ.
(LAUGHS)

You actually look attractive.
What is in that camera?

(ROB LAUGHS)
Jesus Christ.

Mate, this photo is the best photo
I've ever seen of you in my life.

Look at you.

First shot. See you later.
Jesus. That is...

I don't know what the hell happened.
I do photo well.

Jesus Christ.
The frown's great, isn't it?

I'm back in the game.
Are you nervous now?

Nervous? I've got a lob-on,
looking at him.

I have to admit, if I'm honest...
Yeah.

..I thought you were gonna be shit.

These would be better.
Those look wicked. Stick those on.

Pity they don't come with the teeth.

Fabulous.

Love that. Nice. That's it.

Every one of these is incredible.
Nice.

Lovely.
Holy shit.

You look unbelievable.
Amazing.

Oh, thank you.
Seriously, I mean...

Thanks.
Your turn, Romesh.

Ah.

It's not quite the same reaction as
we got to your first photo.

You want me to pop in and show him?
Can you show him?

..because he's not really.

It's just sort of.

-Yes.
-Like that, yeah?
That's exactly the look.

Just across a little bit. Nice.

Rom is one hot bitch.
Yeah, they're good, mate.

That's good.
Did you just call me a hot bitch?

I did.

And it was at this high point
in my modelling career

that Nicky decided to bring in
some professionals.

Hello.
-Nice to meet you.
-Hi.

I felt ugly when I was standing
on my own.

OK, one, two, three, go.

She's getting married, finally.
Good.

It looks like Tammy has to take her
brother on dates.

Lovely. Tammy,
you glance to one of them.

Lovely.
-Made her choice.
-Didn't she?

I didn't give credit
where credit's due.

It is more difficult than I thought,
and Rob is...

..is currently better at it
than I am.

And just when I thought this couldn't
get any worse,

Nicky gave us our next look.

♪ I think I wantcha

♪ You've got the look,
you've got the hook

♪ You sure enough do be cooking
in my book ♪

Now, boys,
when you're modelling at a party

you've got to be ready to deal
with anyone or anything.

Can we bring in one of the animals,
please?

I wonder if our outfits are a clue.

Oh, Jesus. Shit.

Oh.

Is it the Britney one?
You're having the snake, Rob?

They'll bring out the unicorn
for me in a bit.

All right? Good luck.
Let's get Honey on your head.

I'll put some honey
on your fucking head.

Let's lift Honey up.
Good, Rob. Concentrate.

That's it. That's the shot.
No teeth.

That's the shot. That's it!
Oh, no. It's on you.

Will you put Honey on his head
again, please?

Sexy, give me a sexy with the snake.

Oh, my God.
Help, help, help. Someone help me.

Rob, well done.
Well done, mate. You did great.

Your turn.
What is it?

It's a red hawk.
A bird?

OK, right, let's turn that
polyboard, then, now.

You want this to white?
No, no, just turn it.

This angle's doing my head in.
Just straighten it.

(BELL JINGLES)
Oh!

Sorry.
No sudden movements.

Beautiful, though. So, Rom, if you
sit on the edge, please.

-Try and be professional.
-Am I the
only one that saw what happened?

It seems like nobody else
is reacting to...

No, because what happened, we moved
the polyboard, it scared it.

OK, well, leave the fucking polyboard
-alone.
-We are.

Position the flats, then bring out
the fucking hawk.

How about that as a strategy?

You got someone there that's having
to pose with the hawk

who's only got one good eye as it is.
I can't afford to lose another one.

Can she go more over that way
so she's closer to his face?

I heard you say, "Closer to his
face."Don't worry, Rom.

I like you, but you can absolutely
-fuck off, mate.
-There, that's it.

Fenny. It's called Fen.

One, two, three. Yeah.
Kick it.

Keep the mouth open with that. Now.

Oh, you filthy cow.
I think we've got that.

Great.
Thank you very much, Mr Hawk Man.

So, guys, the final shoot of the
day, the underwear shoot.

Let's get you off and get you
-changed.
-OK, let's do this.

See you later.
-Thank you. See you.
-Thank you.

I actually don't, genuinely,
do not want to do it.

I don't either, but...

The moment had come. It was time for
us to do our final photo shoot

in our underwear.

To say I was anxious would be an
understatement.

Everyone's got body hang-ups,
haven't they, you know?

I've got larger than normal nipples.

Burger nips, Jaffa cake nips.
Jaff Nips, they used to call me.

So, I'm...
I'm, you know, anxious about them,

but then they're all going to be
out, aren't they, you know?

So, I have to worry about that,
my little dick.

A number of things
will cause me anxiety,

but I've just got to get on with it
cos I want to become a model.

Hello, Nicky.
Boys. (SIGHS)

The final photo shoot.

We're a bit nervous.
I'm not happy about this.

I know this is scary, but I know you
can pull it off.

I'm not pulling it off.

Sexy.
Oh... Yeah, the shoot.

Now, we're recreating

the famous David Gandy

Dolce and Gabbana swimwear shoot...
Yes...in the speedboat.

Now, obviously, we're not in Capri,
but with our green screen,

we will be later.

Rob's looking like he wants
to kill me.

It's fine.
I've not used to any socks,

but, um... I'll just go with
what nature has provided us.

You can do this, Rob.
So, you want me down there?

Yes, you're straddling this here.
Sure.

And, Rom, you're back here,
so you're straddling as well,

but your head's coming this side.
(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES AND SNORTS) Oh.

I look like I'm in prison.
OK.

So, you sit a bit higher.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, that's...
I hope that was a sock, mate.

I haven't been this close to my wife
in about three weeks.

That's better. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, that beard.

Mate, I can't...
Bugger off for five minutes.

That's great.
You lean slightly over, Rob.

Your body leans slightly that way.
Yeah, my body.

Fabulous.

It took a while,
but eventually we managed

to stop laughing long enough for
Nicky to take some more photos.

Perfect. Bring your head a little
bit forward for me, Rom.

We were starting
to feel like David Gandy.

That's great.

It's heavenly.

Finally, we were becoming models.
Lovely.

Yes.
Oh, God. I can't do it any more.

I'm done, man. Fuck me.
Ah.

(NICKY LAUGHS)

Nicky. Thank you so much for today.

Thank you. Here's your portfolios.

Oh, thank you very much.
Oh, thank you.

Can I just say, before we started,

I thought we're not gonna get
anywhere with this.

We're not gonna get one decent
picture, but going through them.

You have got one decent picture.

I'll be honest with you,
I came into this thinking,

"It'd be an absolute piece of piss
and it isn't.

I've got new-found respect for it,
so thank you.

Next week is New York Fashion Week.
Oh.

So, I want you to head out there,
take your portfolios,

and I'd love you to walk
in a runway show.

-Yes.
-Er...

Yeah.
Yeah, fully clothed.

We're not doing that.
Oh, absolutely.

Thank God for that.
I'm not doing a Gandy catwalk.

Thank you.
Thank you both so much.

Thank you so much.
-Amazing.
-Thank you.

Cheers.
Thank you, guys.

This week,
Romesh and I are on a mission

to learn all about
the world of fashion.

With our runway debut at New York
Fashion Week just days away,

we needed to prepare ourselves
by doing some research

closer to home.

I've got us tickets
to a fashion show.

Malan Breton. Have you heard of him?

Of course, I have.
Me neither. He's a big deal.

Got tickets to go and see him,
but we can't go like this.
We need an outfit.

So, to get us ready,
I've got Gok Wan,

yes, mate, to come to our houses,

to go through our wardrobes,

pick us out something to wear
for Fashion Week.

He's the best of the best, Gok,

at getting people not confident
about their outfit.

Well, he's the best of the one people
that I know that do it.

Are you very fashionable, would you
-say?
-I'm better than I was.

Einstein said that you shouldn't...

You've only have a...
I forgot what he said.

He said something about don't have
too many decisions to make.

I think it's two things to learn.
Yeah.

One is I don't know why we're talking
about Einstein in fashion week show.

Two, if you're gonna quote something,

try and know the quote
before you go into it.

You've gone to give a quote without
knowing the quote.

I back myself. If I don't know what
the quote is,

I assume that
by the end of me going,

"I know this great quote,"
I'll have remembered it.

-Right.
-I didn't, fine.
I don't know what the quote is,

but the point I'm trying to make is
that clothes don't matter.

Right.
It's the end of the episode.

Cut. Let's go home.

Oi!

ROB: So Rom and I headed out front
to meet the man

to give us our fashion fix,
the one and only Mr Gok Wan.

Gok! Come here!

-This is a welcome.
-I'm excited.
-We need your help.
-How are you?

That's what I'm here for.
How did you have my number?

We're going to London Fashion week
-to see a show.
-Right.

We need an outfit for that.
We need some help.

Right.
We don't know what we're doing.

We're not looking to be, like,
the best-dressed there.

What we're looking to do is to pass.

That's not gonna happen cos
that's the point of Fashion Week.

Everyone has to be the best-dressed
person there.

-What's your style?
-This is
essentially my uniform.

You've co-ordinated, at least.
-You've blended.
-Yes.

It looks like you work Tesco's.
Yeah.

This isn't...

You've got the strong glasses.
You've obviously got the beard...

Yeah.
..which is the beard du jour.

Basically, you're fashion
-from the chin up.
-Right.

Yeah, and then -
Where there are no clothes.

Yeah. Thank you.
(ROB LAUGHS)

It's kind of working.
And then Rob... Yeah.

What am I...We should just look in
your wardrobe, shouldn't we?

What's wrong with this?
All my clothes are over here.

Tonally, you're definitely an autumn
person, I'm thinking.

-You like those dark tones.
-I wear
dark colours because I've got tits.

-Makes sense.
-The sportswear
doesn't really say anything.

Not really, no.
That's Denmark.

We should just get it out and we can
see what we're really playing with.

I didn't even know I had them.

What's that?
-That's awful.
-It's gone yellow.

Oh, that is disgusting.
Is that a stain?

Is that a game that you lost?

What is going on?
It looks like I piss, mate.

Shall I put them in the bin?
No, we can do that already.

Oh, no, it's on the top.
-Brilliant.
-I'm so sorry.

You got a piss flag
on the top of your house.

It literally looks like I pissed my
pants, and now I'm surrendering.

You've kind of got nothing.

That's not even yours, is it?
Cos it's got Peter Pan colour.

-No, that is mine.
-Oh, that's yours?
I used to wear this.

Did you? When you were a woman?
Yeah, on stage.

Oh, my God.
Genuinely...

This one is a bit bright,
and that's inside out.

We can reverse that.
OK, so you got Aztec.

Do you know what, that isn't so bad.

Have you ever worn the jacket?
I think I wore it once.

It's a good thing,
because now we've worked out

you can take these
really contemporary,

slightly urban streetwear,
kid prints.

Are saying this is the direction
-that you - ?
-Yeah, I would.

Statement jacket,
and let's go long line,

slightly oversize,
and we're gonna create

a really nice,
raglan silhouette at the top,

which feels slightly Scandi,
but very cool.

I don't know what any of that was.

A raglan silhouette, mate, come on.
Yeah.

So, Romesh, your turn now. Are we
feeling confident with this?

I was excited, but I saw what you did
to Rob's self-esteem,

and I got a little bit concerned.

Right, come on. Your gaffe now.
OK, cool, Crawley.

Isn't that wicked?
So sorry about the piss shorts.

So, uh,
this is where all my stuff is.

We're in the man cave, where all of
your stuff happens.

You write in here. But why have you
got your clothes in here?

-This is your office.
-Yes, so
basically -Has she left you?

It looks like you're going through
a divorce.

Initially, I wanted to be here to
-work.
-Right.

And then gradually, Leesa's gone,

"Oh, do you want to move some of your
records and stuff here?"

Then she started going, "Do you want
to move some of your clothes?"

So essentially...
She's moving you out?

There's obviously a very clear
narrative going on in there.

The checked shirts, the muted
colours, everything that's in there.

Actually, I have to say this is a
really nice collection of clothing.

It looks exactly the same as mine
without the football kits.

Why are you not throwing all this
gear on the floor, like me?

These are good clothes.
It's all part of a look.

There's not one thing in here
that's floor worthy.

They're two of the same here?
Yeah, that's in case one gets dirty.

XL and extra XL. Is that in case you
have a big Christmas?

(LAUGHING)
I like the shirt,

but they only had one in XL, so I
thought I'll probably get fat.

So with yours, we're gonna go the
opposite way. We're gonna go smart,

tailoring, deconstructed.
Old.

No, like you know what you're
talking about already.

Would you say that what Rob brought
to the table

is a cupboard full of dog shit?

I would say we have a Batman and
Robin situation going on.

-Oh, no.
-And so it's kind of...
I'm Batman.

You're definitely not Batman.
I'm not Robin!

You're Robin, and Robin has pissed
all over his shorts.

Robin has had an accident
and this is it.

Mate, you're lucky
that you are Robin.

I'll tell you that. Because I'm
thinking about making you Alfred.

(LAUGHING)

After Gok had taken pity on us and
hooked us up with some outfits,

it was time for our debut
at London Fashion Week.

I think I look insane.

I basically look like
a Sri Lankan detective.

I've got two positives to take away:
one is I've got a lot of layers,

and it hides, kind of,
the gelatinous bulk

that I'm concealing underneath it;

the second thing is, I'm not wearing
what Rob's wearing.

Cos he looks like he's looking after
the tea cup ride.

-This?
-I love this.
This is... I'm keeping this.

Yeah, I get it's functional,
but you look like a twat.

Hello?
No. I get how a phone works.

It doesn't mean
that that is a good look.

It's good. I like it. I'm warm.
Yeah.

Are they comfy?
They are comfy.

And I can see why the Third Reich

were able to march
as long as they were.

I just want to learn today
from Fashion Week.

I don't want to judge anyone or
anything, I want to experience it.

It might be my new favourite thing.

Arsenal aren't doing very well at
the moment. I need a new hobby.

Maybe I'm just hitting it up at
the Fashion weeks, right?

I'm going New York away. What for?
Ralph Lauren.

I think I'm gonna be so excited.
About what?

Cos I've never done it before.

I like doing everything
for the first time,

I've never done it before.
I'm really excited.

You need to chill out with the hands.
I'm excited.

I just think that if you get excited

about something regardless of what it
is,

you're a psychopath, because you're
not into this.

I might be into it.
You're not into this.

Be open to it. Don't be all,
"It's gonna be amazing",

-because it might be shit.
-You're
telling me I can't be enthusiastic?

Seriously, how much is it for three
tokens for the tea cup ride?

The waltzers broke today, but I can
get you on the bumper cars free.

You look like it,
then you open up, start talking,

you don't dispel the myth.
Roll up, roll up.

Three quid, bumper cars.

As we headed inside
to take our front-row seats
at London Fashion Week,

we were feeling a little
self-conscious,

but in this crowd,
we needn't have worried.

He's got sunglasses on over there.

He's put them on. He's come inside
and then put them on.

I mean that is...
That's next level, isn't it?

With all the fashionistas in their
seats, it was show time.

(MOODY MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, it's too bright.

But as the models appeared, I just
found it all a bit confusing.

And just when Rom and I thought
we'd seen everything,

it was time for the show's finale.

Yes!
(CHEERING)

Thought so.
That was right, mate.

(WHISTLING)

(CHEERING)

What did you honestly think of that?

(SIGHS) I was excited before.
I thought I was enjoying it,

then I wanted to kill myself
and then I got really bored.

And I didn't know what was going on,
mate.

We just watched 20 people in clothes
that no human would ever wear.

And what is clear is your excitement
is completely misplaced.

Yeah, it was,
but I do like getting excited.

(ELECTRO-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

ROB: The final destination
on our fashion adventure

was also going
to be our ultimate test

to walk as professional models

at Fashion Week, New York City.

New York City!

It's actually pretty dope.
It's cool, isn't it?

Oh, my God.
That is so gope.

I said "dope", and I shouldn't
have even said that.

It's dope.
-Father of three.
-New York!

(IN NEW YORK ACCENT)
Hey, get off the sidewalk, buddy!

New York minute, boop-boop!

OK, you cannot say -
Yellow cab, please.

Slice of the good stuff.
Get me a pizza, already!

Fucking hell.
Can you do the American accent?

(BAD AMERICAN ACCENT) Hey, what the
fuck. I'm Romesh Ranganathan.

From New York just to beat the shit
out of a motherfucker.

Ooh!
-Oh, shit!
-Yeah, there he is.

Mummy!

Mate, we're gonna be a part
of New York Fashion Week.

I'm very excited about going
-to New York.
-Yes.

Not for the fashions so much.

Oh. David Gandy texted me.

To say what?"See you New York
Fashion Week. I'll be in touch."

So we're gonna meet up
with David Gandy?

Yeah, big time.
During Fashion Week? Yeah.

How cool is that?
Are you gonna wear that t-shirt?

What's wrong with this t-shirt?

I just think that
if we're meeting David Gandy...

It doesn't matter what we're
wearing, no one's gonna look at us.

You're gonna have to say,

"I just finished a gig as a
children's TV presenter."

Wow. Oh, it's like that, is it?

A few hours later, we were on our
way to Pier59 studios

where we'd be making
our catwalk debut.

This is us, this is us.

We were going to be modelling in a
show for top Brazilian designer,

Caroline Perino. Known for her
avant-garde designs,

this was a showcase for her
brand-new collection.

She'd chosen us to model
two exclusive pieces,

to a massive audience of fashion
press, buyers, and stylists.

I feel like I was a little blase
about it, and I walked in here,

and I'm next level shitting it.

It looks like it's quite a bit deal,
doesn't it?

I mean, the walk.
It's long. It's long.

If I knew it was gonna be this long,
I'd have done some cardio warm-up.

I think I'm gonna...
I'm shitting it, man.

It's about 50 metres, isn't it?

The scale of the show had taken us
by surprise.

So to get us prepared to model
in front of hundreds of people,

designer Caroline had arranged a
crash-course in how to runway-walk,

with her assistants,
Richard and Tiffany.

So what do we have to do?

It's just a straight walk,
you'll pose at the top.

All right.
-Take a left.
-Take a left.

Walk a little, take a left again,
walk back down.

I don't wanna come across as
overconfident, but I can walk.

I know I can. From 10 months.

I've been doing it for years.
I can walk.

There shouldn't be anything
to worry about.

But as we lined up with the
professional models

to rehearse the runway walk,

we started to feel a little
self-conscious.

I am so different in size
to the other models,

that I believe they were slightly
nervous I was gonna eat one of them.

As model after model effortlessly
made their turns

and strutted their stuff, it was time
for Rob to strut his.

(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING)

And to be fair to him, he nailed it.

Perfect, Rob.

And while my walk seemed
to be a source of amusement,

it seems Rob had caught the eye
of the designer, Caroline,

and Tiffany was there
to pass on the good news.

When you've done that,

you are gonna come out with
-Caroline.
-Yeah.

You'll come out from this way,
and you'll walk and stop

at that same point
that you stopped to pose,

and then you'll come back
the same way.

Why is Rob being selected for that?

Would you say I'm more of a Batman
and he's the Robin of this...

Let's do the finale,
and then we can have this.

If you had to pick a Batman...

We haven't got time to decide
who's... OK.

Let's do this final walk
because we've got fittings.

Come on. I'll follow, Alfred.
(ROB CHUCKLES)

We walk out once on our own,
and then after that,

the designer walks out with two of
the models

that have been pre-selected.

Rob Beckett is one of those models.

Bear in mind that you have to walk
and look serious. Rob's shit at that.

He can barely close the doors
of his mouth over his grill.

And now it turns out he's better
at that than I am.

♪ KATY PERRY: Dark Horse

As the seats started to fill and the
press lined up for their shots,

Rom and I headed backstage
for some last-minute touch-ups.

Do you colour your hair?
No, I don't.

You're lying.
It goes yellow in the summer.

What, in the salon?

Rob and Romesh, you are needed for
your first slot.

ROB: We were finally joining
the genetic elite

and walking down a real catwalk

in a real fashion show
as real models.

It was show time.

My outfit may have been weird,
but I'd smashed it.

And while I got ready to walk out
with a designer,

it was Romesh's turn on the catwalk.

(HOUSE MUSIC PLAYING)

ROM: The fact that I completed my
walk without anyone laughing

was an achievement in itself.

However, I wasn't the only one
who was impressed.

You're now walking out with the
designer, both you and Rob

are walking out with the designer.

I have made the changes
to the costume.

I hope you've practised, that is it.

You are now both walking out
together.

Yes?
(INDISTINCT)

No, both of you are walking out.

We are now doing both of you.

I need to let Tiffany know.

Tiffany, they're now walking out
with the designer at the end.

Batman and Robin.

Batman and Robin are now walking.
Yes.

As long as they know who's who,
no problem.

You know what you're doing.

ROB: So annoyingly, I had
to share my moment with Romesh.

But despite that,
I think we did all right.

And amazingly, we can now say we
have modelled for a top designer

in a New York fashion show,

and we didn't mess it up.

The zip pinged off.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah!

It pinged...
Literally, I got there, and ping!

What, just before you went out?
Yes.

I look like
an intergalactic flasher.

I look like a pervert
from the future.

I reckon David Gandy
would be proud of us.

He's gonna love us. We've come out
here and nailed it.

I was dreading it,
I thought I was gonna hate it.

Uh, and I loved it.

Oh, I loved it? Yeah. I did love it.

We set out to learn about fashion,
and we've done it.

Yeah, people are more welcoming
than I'd anticipated.

As long as you choose your lane

and commit to it 100%...
Yeah.

..wearing your weird hood,
or just like...

It's about choosing a look
and just going for it 100%.

And not apologising for it.
It's attitude.

The people are so forgiving.
Right, let's get changed,
we're gonna see Gandy.

ROB: Our time in New York
was nearly over,

but David had arranged
a final rendezvous

at one of the city's most
iconic locations,

Times Square.

He's not here.
(SIGHS)

I'd say give it five minutes,
and then let's just leave.

He said eight o'clock, sharp, here.

He said opposite to Starbucks,

the Paramount building and the flag.

We're in the right place.
He'll see you there at 8:00.

He dropped a pin and gave me
the exact location.

Where...

That's a bit muggy. What?

He's not coming, Rob.
Oh...

It's the worst thing, isn't it?
Fucking hell, man.

It's so horrible!

This is unbelievable.

I feel so awful.

What the shit!
(ROB LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, that's so awful.

That's the worst thing
I've ever seen.

Why? What is it advertising?

What is it advertising?

Oh, they've noticed.
People have noticed.

Oh, Christ.

(LAUGHS) Look at my tits!

Look at my tits, Romesh!

It's all right for you!
Look at my tits!

It's the middle of Times Square!

Oh, my God.

I seriously took one for the team.

You're loving this.
I'm not.

That's all me!
(LAUGHS)

Are you Rob?
No, that's not me.

-Are you Rob?
-That's not me.
We just look like him.

Oh, for God's sake. Yeah.

Look.
So horrible.

I love it.
Yes, I know.

It looks like we're advertising
ourselves as a couple.

Oh, my God.

They don't look that big
from up here.

They look fucking enormous from here,
mate.

Rob, it's not gonna change. Your tits
aren't gonna shrink. Let's just go.

(LAUGHING)
ROMESH: Let's go kill Gandy.

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