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[opening theme music playing]
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[Jeremy] Although the freakish
autumn rainfall had played havoc
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with my farming plans,
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there were days when the sun came out
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and Kaleb could get back to tractoring.
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And on one of these rare occasions,
I decided we needed a treat.
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Right. I'm on my way
to the local farm shop
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to pick up a ploughman's.
Well, what I need for a ploughman's.
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And here we are.
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You have arrived at your destination.
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Right.
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Some of those,
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ham, pork pie.
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Oh, wait, cheese.
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Have you got any Norwegian Jarlsberg?
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-[woman] We don't.
-Cheddar?
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[woman] We have wonderful cheddar
if you'd like a good, strong cheddar.
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So this is all really made
by Daylesford and sold in the shop?
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Yes, that's right.
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Nothing to see there.
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That's what you need, crusty loaf, butter.
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Yeah, one ploughman's in my bag.
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-Lovely. Thank you so much.
-Thank you.
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-How much is that?
-That is £83.44, please.
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I'll pop those on top.
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-All right, a bit more than that, then.
-[cashier laughs]
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83? 30...
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40. There's 90.
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[cashier] Would you like your receipt?
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Uh, yeah, because nobody
will believe me otherwise.
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-[laughs]
-Thanks.
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[Jeremy] This, however, turned out
to be a wise investment,
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because on the way home,
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a 5-million-watt light bulb
went on in my head.
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Farm shop? Why would I not do that?
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If I put up a little barn somewhere,
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fill it with all the produce
that comes off the farm...
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That's not a bad idea.
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In fact, it was a brilliant idea,
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and I even had a location in mind.
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Hmm.
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This isn't used for farming.
It's just waste ground.
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There's a road there, gate there,
so there's good access.
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And best of all, behind these trees,
come and have a look.
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Through this little gate here,
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caravan site.
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Endlessly-changing customers,
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and they'll never be able to tell
the people the following week
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how bad my shop is, if it is bad.
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No bad word-of-mouth.
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With the location sorted, I called Alan,
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who's been my builder
for 25 years, to scope out the site.
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[Alan] There's the edge. You're going
right up by that edge in the arm.
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When you're looking down that hill,
you want to be in line with it,
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so you want to be
coming off that corner square out there.
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[Jeremy] I didn't actually have
all the planning permission yet,
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but Alan said that despite this,
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we could get cracking by removing
the first few inches of top soil.
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We strip the land just so we can
see what we got. Finish at that.
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-So...
-Everything's ready.
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-I haven't jumped the gun here?
-No.
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-I've not broken any law?
-Absolutely.
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[Jeremy] I therefore leapt immediately
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into the driving seat
of Alan's big digger.
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Yeah, look at that.
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Here we go.
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[Alan] Oh, my van. Oh, my God.
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Oh, shit.
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Nice and smooth. Take the grass off.
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Too deep.
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Not so deep.
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[Jeremy] It turned out my diggering
skills were quite poor.
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[Alan] Fucking hell.
It's like a swimming pool.
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[Jeremy] So, after Alan suggested
I go and do something else,
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I went to check on the small patch
of experimental potatoes
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I planted on spec a few months earlier.
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[Jeremy chuckling]
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I've grown a thing!
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Another one!
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There's millions of them.
There's, like, five.
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Look at that.
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[exclaims]
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And another.
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As I was digging away,
cheerful Charlie dropped by.
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Are they good potatoes?
I know that's a baking potato,
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that's great, and those are new.
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-And that's a little salad potato.
-They're all the same.
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But they're Melody. They're good variety.
They'll be... they'll be really good.
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The thing is, though, it's taken me
the best part of half an hour to do that.
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I've got one bucket. So, how many
buckets am I going to get from here?
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Uh, we should be on between
14, 16 tons an acre.
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-We've got about two acres here.
-Sorry, you just said 14 tons?
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-Yeah.
-Are going to come out of here?
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-Just two acres?
-Just two acres.
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That's a lot of chips.
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I could put them in the farm shop,
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except the farm shop's not built
and I haven't got planning permission.
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So, how long... If we get the farm shop
built in, realistically, six weeks,
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if planning permission comes
through this week...
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-[Charlie] Yup.
-Would these keep another six weeks?
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We can keep these for six weeks.
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How can I keep these
from becoming useless for six weeks?
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So, we've got to top it
rather than spraying it off.
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What, you mean a lawnmower, effectively?
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So, lawnmower. Off we go.
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-So, you take the leaves off,
-Take the leaves off,
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-and then they'll just lie dormant?
-And they'll lie dormant.
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And the skin sort of firms up.
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-And that's good?
-And that's good.
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That... that will enable it
to store for longer.
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[Jeremy] Kaleb then leant me
his topping machine,
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and after giving me a lesson
in how it works...
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All right, that's it. So now feet
are enabled. Now press it again.
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[Jeremy] ...I was on my way.
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Yes.
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Taking the leaves off my potatoes.
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That will deprive the potato
of its ability to grow,
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and it will just lay dormant in the soil.
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-God, it's a good tractor.
-[Kaleb] Jeremy, can you hear me?
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-It's Kaleb.
-[Jeremy] Yeah, got you.
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[Kaleb] Might want to drop
the topper down.
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It might help a little bit.
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Rookie error.
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Yeah, yeah. I knew that. I'm just going
to go back to the start now
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and then actually do it
with the topper lowered,
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because I think that will make
a huge difference.
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It did, and finally I was in business.
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He's doing a good job.
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[Jeremy] Then, with the potatoes
sleeping soundly in the ground,
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I was free to concentrate
on other produce for the farm shop.
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I've been doing some research,
and it turns out that Chadlington,
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the local village, is named after
St. Chad, who is the patron saint
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of wells and springs.
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What's more, the entire village
got its drinking water
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from springs on this farm.
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But then, one night in 1972,
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the water board switched
everybody over to mains water.
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And they were livid. They were furious.
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Questions were asked
in the Houses of Parliament.
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The local television station
sent a reporter to Chadlington
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to cover the story.
I've got a clip of that here.
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An interesting lesson in democracy
here at Chadlington.
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That is Chris Tarrant.
It's actually Chris Tarrant.
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That's where he began.
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In the end, it seems the authorities
can pipe what they like
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through to the village's taps,
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but short of forcibly pouring
it down their throats,
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they can't make them drink it.
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Mrs. Kerr, you've been
drinking this spring water a long time.
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What's so special about it?
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Well, because it's pure.
Don't want that other filth.
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[Chris] What is it you don't like
about tap water?
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Well, it's horrible.
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Well, we had a tank of tropical fish,
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but now it's been changed over,
and they've all died.
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It's mixed with sewage from Temple Guiting
and Bourton-on-the-Water.
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All the sewage is going to come into it.
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All the locals want to drink
is this stuff.
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They've been doing so for centuries,
and it's beautiful.
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So he beat me to the Chadlington
water story,
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and then he beat me to
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?
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I just live in the man's shadow.
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But now I would have the last laugh,
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because I would bring back
Chadlington's spring water.
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I just want to see this spring,
because I've never really paid attention
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to the springs before.
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Job one for Lisa and I was to gather
some samples for testing.
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Are you grabbing it from straight where
it comes out the ground?
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[Lisa] Yes.
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This is exactly what Perrier do.
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[Lisa] You know,
that's actually delicious.
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[Jeremy] Look how quickly
you can fill a bottle up from here.
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See, what I'm thinking is, this would be
like B&Q with an old-people hiring policy.
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Get a load of pensioners
at the bottom of the waterfall
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with bottles, filling them up.
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It'd be fantastic, gainful employment
for the elderly.
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This is the kind of thing
you get the CBE for.
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Having sent the samples off to the lab,
I had another brainwave.
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What I have here is a wasabi plant
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known as green gold,
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because this, in the shops,
would cost you £52,
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and that's the same
as half a ton of carrots.
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So, to get at the actual edible bit
we have to peel the bark.
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Most of the green, hot wasabi paste
you get in Japanese restaurants
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is actually mustard and horseradish
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sort of mixed up with artificial
sweeteners and coloring.
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This is the real deal.
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If I can grow this here,
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I'm going to be looking
at G5 catalogues in no time at all.
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Mmm... Mmm...
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That is fantastic.
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Oh, it's here, now. It's here.
It's... it's here.
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Wasabi is not easy to grow, though.
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00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:06,480
It needs a supply of fast-flowing water
that's exactly the right temperature
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00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,319
and has exactly the right PH level.
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00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,920
And once I'd found a stream
that fitted the bill,
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00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,520
I had to build a bed,
which meant I needed a machine.
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00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,760
[machine whirring]
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00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,480
Single-cylinder engine,
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00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:32,999
0.16 liters, top speed: three.
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00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:35,999
I'm going to call it the James May.
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[grunts]
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I've now planted about 100 wasabi plants.
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00:12:58,759 --> 00:13:00,919
If they all survive, that's...
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00:13:01,879 --> 00:13:03,879
well, £5,000 for the roots
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00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,120
and then another £1,000
for the leaves, probably.
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00:13:07,639 --> 00:13:09,839
And that is more than you'll get from,
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00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,879
well, hundreds of acres of wheat.
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00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,320
This is where the money is.
210
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,840
I then broke off from farm shop jobs,
211
00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:25,199
because Charlie had been
badgering me about my farm equipment
212
00:13:25,279 --> 00:13:27,559
being left out in the open.
213
00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:32,119
So, I took some anti-theft measures
with my newly-appointed head of security,
214
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,120
Gerald, the dry-stone waller.
215
00:13:37,039 --> 00:13:38,359
I told you I could carry it.
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00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,880
[chuckles] You wait.
You ain't got a lot there yet.
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00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
There's ten tons to come.
218
00:13:43,519 --> 00:13:47,519
-Jesus Christ. [laughs]
-[Gerald laughs]
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Come on, you bastard.
220
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:53,599
No, no. [mutters indistinctly]
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Yeah, five o'clock normally, on a Friday.
222
00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,200
[Jeremy] Right.
223
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,120
-That will do.
-It's gonna come up to...
224
00:14:04,039 --> 00:14:08,519
The thing is... but I did them
by the loader, that was all.
225
00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:10,439
Well, supposedly.
226
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,680
If we go into that one,
spreader next then...
227
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:14,760
[Jeremy] Oh, yeah.
228
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:17,800
Right.
229
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,720
-Listen, 20 to 6:00.
-All right.
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00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:24,039
Before they send a search party out
from The Chequers,
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00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,880
you should get down there.
232
00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,120
Um, lovely to see you again,
thanks for your help.
233
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,600
All right, mate. I should be...
234
00:14:30,799 --> 00:14:34,639
Hopefully, in about a week's time,
because I've got to do some...
235
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,240
Well, it probably won't get
on the program?
236
00:14:38,039 --> 00:14:40,439
-Yeah.
-Yeah. That's right. All right.
237
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,600
[Jeremy] So, my equipment was now secure.
238
00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:48,199
I would soon have stuff
to sell in the shop,
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00:14:48,279 --> 00:14:50,799
and planning permission was due any day.
240
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,960
All was going well, until, that is...
241
00:14:56,159 --> 00:14:56,999
What?
242
00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,160
I got some bad news from the council.
243
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:05,479
The village has objected
to my, uh, farm shop plan.
244
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,160
"For the following reasons..."
245
00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:13,839
The complaints are simply about
the risk of changing the village,
246
00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:15,919
the risk of damaging the village shops.
247
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,520
It's a little, old-fashioned village.
248
00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:23,359
People generally are not that keen.
249
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,520
People are a bit bemused
with the situation,
250
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,160
and we never know
what Jeremy's going to do next.
251
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,160
I mean, he blew up his house.
252
00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,840
Dogs barked, and people thought
the end of the world had come.
253
00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,759
[Jeremy] Charlie quickly emailed
to explain how I should
254
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,680
deal with the objections.
255
00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:48,479
Whilst it does not read well
on first inspection,
256
00:15:48,559 --> 00:15:53,279
I've addressed the concerns already
through the submission of a business plan.
257
00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:01,240
"What is a business plan?"
Business plan examples, right.
258
00:16:02,039 --> 00:16:04,199
"Customers' priorities and needs.
259
00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:07,039
Routes to market. Product services
and propositions.
260
00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,800
Sales, values, and margins.
261
00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:12,239
A strategic action plan..."
Well, I'm gonna be a week.
262
00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:16,879
Having typed in every phrase
I'd ever heard on The Apprentice,
263
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:21,480
I submitted a business plan,
and amazingly, it worked,
264
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:26,000
because shortly afterwards,
planning permission was granted.
265
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,840
[Alan] Just tip that out there, Brad.
Get that lot. Everything down the bottom.
266
00:16:32,919 --> 00:16:36,239
[Jeremy] This meant
Alan could finally start building.
267
00:16:36,799 --> 00:16:38,639
[Alan] Just tip that up there,
just tip it.
268
00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:41,159
And I'll get the digger to move it.
Get the barrels out the way, now.
269
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,960
[Jeremy] But he was now a week
behind schedule,
270
00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,280
which was a week
the potatoes didn't have.
271
00:16:47,559 --> 00:16:51,879
And then to make matters worse,
an old enemy returned.
272
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,880
[thunder rumbling]
273
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,279
[Jeremy] Holy cow.
274
00:17:19,279 --> 00:17:22,399
How can you build anything
in these conditions?
275
00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,280
-Have you ever known it wetter here?
-No, never.
276
00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:28,519
We're all going to end up with
trench foot before the end of the week.
277
00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:32,039
No, the problem I've got is
I've got tons of potatoes,
278
00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:36,319
but they're not going
to last forever. So, how long?
279
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,520
"How long?"
280
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,920
[Alan] If the weather breaks,
maybe eight weeks.
281
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:42,920
[Jeremy] No, no. It can't be.
282
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,520
The rain fell nonstop for days.
283
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,680
And when it finally eased up,
284
00:17:53,759 --> 00:17:56,959
this is what the shop's foundations
looked like.
285
00:18:03,319 --> 00:18:06,479
It's three weeks ago
I dug the footings out for the shop.
286
00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:13,039
And that... that's what's happened.
287
00:18:14,559 --> 00:18:17,079
I'm surprised the Environment Agency
isn't here saying I've got
288
00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,160
an illegal trout lake.
Planning permission's through,
289
00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,560
and we get the heaviest rainfall
recorded since
290
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,480
the last heaviest rainfall.
291
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,920
[sighs]
292
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,240
Does anything go right in farming?
293
00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,400
With the build schedule now in tatters,
294
00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,080
the priority was to preserve
the life of the potatoes.
295
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,320
They'd have to be dug up and stored,
which meant I'd need a machine.
296
00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,560
And in this part of the world,
where no one grows spuds,
297
00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,640
finding one proved to be tricky.
298
00:18:50,799 --> 00:18:54,519
But much to Kaleb's delight, I managed it.
299
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,480
[Kaleb] It's like a rust bucket.
300
00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:03,919
I mean,
301
00:19:05,319 --> 00:19:06,679
bloody hell.
302
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,240
[sighs] Tire's old and flat.
303
00:19:10,319 --> 00:19:12,999
These need unseizing.
I'm going to have to heat these up.
304
00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:15,679
That needs re-greasing.
Look, that's old grease, that.
305
00:19:16,039 --> 00:19:19,279
All green and manky.
This thing is a piece of crap.
306
00:19:21,559 --> 00:19:24,959
[Jeremy] Eventually, though,
he stopped moaning and got it working.
307
00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:35,799
And with some local kids helping out,
the slow, backbreaking work began.
308
00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,240
Well, we've done from the top
of the field down to here,
309
00:19:44,319 --> 00:19:46,519
in what, probably four hours?
310
00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:48,799
And we've got all that to do.
311
00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,160
[Jeremy] And we needed to get a move on.
312
00:19:56,799 --> 00:19:59,239
[Kaleb] One there, look.
This one's gone black.
313
00:20:00,079 --> 00:20:02,719
Yeah, that one's gone black
and a bit squidgy.
314
00:20:02,799 --> 00:20:06,919
[Jeremy] In the end, though,
the workers saved 16 tons of potatoes,
315
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,480
and apart from a few,
which my head of security needed,
316
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:15,320
we got them all into a cool,
dark storage barn.
317
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
This bought me some time
to start work on my next
318
00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:28,679
farm shop enterprise...
319
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,320
[Kaleb] How many chickens
are you going to get?
320
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,520
[Jeremy] Sixty.
321
00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:32,800
Eggs.
322
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,000
So, we're going to call them
not free range chickens.
323
00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:38,879
We're going to call them
good exercise chickens.
324
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,000
-[Kaleb laughs]
-That's what they call them in Vietnam.
325
00:20:41,559 --> 00:20:43,159
[Jeremy] And it's better, I think,
than free range.
326
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,080
[Kaleb] Yeah, I like that.
327
00:20:45,759 --> 00:20:48,799
My plan is to build a range
of little chicken huts
328
00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,480
along this side of the wood.
329
00:20:51,559 --> 00:20:53,719
So, actually starting about here, yeah?
330
00:20:54,039 --> 00:20:54,879
[Kaleb] Yeah.
331
00:20:55,039 --> 00:20:57,479
So, you can get the eggs from this side,
332
00:20:57,559 --> 00:21:00,719
but the chickens can exit on that side
to run around in the wood.
333
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,400
But we've got to refence this.
334
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,400
We've got to put chicken wire
around the outside.
335
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,960
How could a fox get in there?
336
00:21:06,039 --> 00:21:07,079
[Kaleb] Oh, like a fox.
337
00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:11,319
Guarantee a fox will get in there
in the best part of 20 minutes.
338
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,080
And how high is the fence
going to have to be?
339
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,240
Six foot, like this.
340
00:21:16,079 --> 00:21:20,079
[Jeremy] And so, the next day,
we reconvened to build the fence.
341
00:21:20,319 --> 00:21:22,559
Hold it on the bottom of the post.
Square it up.
342
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,080
[Jeremy] Using a machine Kaleb called...
343
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:26,680
[clanks]
344
00:21:26,759 --> 00:21:28,079
...his man killer.
345
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,319
And away we go.
346
00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:41,679
Your go.
347
00:21:46,799 --> 00:21:47,639
Higher.
348
00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:52,079
I don't know if that's actually...
that's not actually moving.
349
00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:54,999
Give me a break. [grunts]
350
00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,760
It's that last little lip.
There it is there.
351
00:22:00,839 --> 00:22:02,159
The burn.
352
00:22:04,039 --> 00:22:05,159
[exhales]
353
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,840
Well done. All right, next one.
354
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,600
Do you want to bring that?
I'll bring this.
355
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:09,520
[breathing heavily]
356
00:22:09,599 --> 00:22:12,119
Oh, we need another post.
We've got to get some more posts.
357
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,640
I'll meet you down there.
358
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:16,720
Grab two if you can.
359
00:22:21,079 --> 00:22:25,799
[Jeremy] And so, the day continued
under the lash of the rural Ant Middleton.
360
00:22:26,559 --> 00:22:29,199
[Kaleb] Higher, higher.
That's it, now. Three,
361
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,040
four, five.
362
00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,159
Two more. Come on, two more.
363
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,560
What's this shouting at me
this morning? Hold that.
364
00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,719
[Kaleb] Right, you get the ladder
and the bar, I'll get this
365
00:22:39,799 --> 00:22:40,999
and meet you at the next one.
366
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,240
[breathing heavily]
367
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,480
-[Kaleb] Ready?
-We're not even halfway there, are we?
368
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:53,600
No.
369
00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,640
[Jeremy] Eventually, though,
Jurassic Park was finished.
370
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:03,120
And then, it was time to install
the henhouses that Lisa had ordered.
371
00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,120
-[Lisa] It's good, right?
-Well, they'd blend if
372
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,160
we were in Camber Sands, or Tobermory.
373
00:23:11,279 --> 00:23:14,879
-Well, it was this or pebbledash.
-And I've got the birds.
374
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,320
-Hey.
-[Jeremy] 60 purebred Burford Browns.
375
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,000
[Lisa] Okay, so let's work this out.
376
00:23:20,079 --> 00:23:23,559
So, we can put 20 in there, 12. That's 20.
377
00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:25,759
Thirty, 40, 50,
378
00:23:26,559 --> 00:23:28,559
three, eight. Seven at the end.
379
00:23:29,559 --> 00:23:31,799
-I literally wasn't listening.
-[Lisa] Okay, I got it.
380
00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:36,119
[Jeremy] Clearly, though,
the hens weren't thrilled at the prospect
381
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,280
of living in LEGOLAND.
382
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,720
-These are frisky. Sorry.
-Oh.
383
00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,520
[Lisa] Jeremy, seriously, you're not
going to do this without food.
384
00:23:47,599 --> 00:23:48,559
[Jeremy] Yes, we are.
385
00:23:48,759 --> 00:23:50,279
-[Lisa] How?
-[Jeremy] Because watch this.
386
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,399
I am a bird whisperer.
387
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,560
Oh, you're pecky, bitey.
388
00:23:56,799 --> 00:23:58,719
No, this is how you do it, okay?
389
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,520
This is an important lesson.
Pretend you're not interested.
390
00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,160
Casually coming along,
looking the other way.
391
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:08,439
And then, at the last minute, you dive...
392
00:24:08,519 --> 00:24:09,879
Fucking thing.
393
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,920
Eventually, though,
all the hens were safely installed
394
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,560
in their new houses.
395
00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,040
And Lisa had a little surprise for me.
396
00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:21,640
Close your eyes and hold out your hand.
397
00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:26,559
-[Jeremy] An egg?
-The first egg, yeah.
398
00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:27,720
They laid it in the crate.
399
00:24:28,559 --> 00:24:30,639
-A egg. Egg.
-Yeah.
400
00:24:31,599 --> 00:24:34,559
Does a chicken lay eggs out of its arse...
401
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,840
-[Lisa] Mm-hmm.
-...or its vagina?
402
00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,760
Did you go to boarding school
by any chance?
403
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,239
If I google that, Jeff Bezos
is going to worry about me.
404
00:24:43,319 --> 00:24:44,399
[Lisa] He is. [laughs]
405
00:24:44,799 --> 00:24:47,919
[Jeremy] So, full scale egg production
was imminent.
406
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,720
And, hopefully,
so was the bottled spring water.
407
00:24:52,759 --> 00:24:57,719
Because back at the office,
an important letter had arrived.
408
00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,600
Okay, these are the, um...
409
00:25:04,599 --> 00:25:08,159
results from all the springs on the farm.
410
00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,680
Had the water tested to see what's what,
how much of them are drinkable.
411
00:25:14,039 --> 00:25:19,159
Right. It's something, E. coli basically.
412
00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,560
"Type of bacteria found
in the gut of animals and humans.
413
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,520
Some strains can cause diarrhea,
food poisoning." Blah-blah. "Pneumonia."
414
00:25:26,599 --> 00:25:30,679
So, I've got, in spring one, no E. coli.
415
00:25:31,599 --> 00:25:34,279
And no E. coli in spring two.
416
00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,439
Right, the essence
of what I've got here is the springs,
417
00:25:38,799 --> 00:25:43,959
the springs one and two,
which I want to bottle, are good.
418
00:25:44,799 --> 00:25:48,279
However, there was also
some rather disturbing news.
419
00:25:49,319 --> 00:25:50,679
Wait a minute.
420
00:25:50,759 --> 00:25:52,279
"A positive coliform sample
421
00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:56,839
should be considered an indication
of feces in your source."
422
00:25:58,039 --> 00:26:01,759
The pond that feeds the house where I live
423
00:26:03,279 --> 00:26:08,999
is riddled with literally everything
in such vast quantities that...
424
00:26:10,039 --> 00:26:12,999
Well, it explains
why I am so full of shit.
425
00:26:13,079 --> 00:26:16,039
'Cause that's what I've been living on
these last few years.
426
00:26:18,039 --> 00:26:20,519
It's just a torrent of turds.
427
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,760
Worried now
that I wouldn't live long enough
428
00:26:25,839 --> 00:26:27,959
to actually open the farm shop,
429
00:26:28,039 --> 00:26:31,239
I went to the water filtration room
at my house.
430
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:37,040
Oh, hang on. Oh, it's quite muddy.
431
00:26:37,599 --> 00:26:39,159
Oh, my God, that's...
432
00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,440
I'll show you what
it's supposed to look like. Hang on.
433
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:46,920
Right,
434
00:26:47,799 --> 00:26:52,159
that's what it looked like...
three months ago.
435
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,080
And that's what it looks like now.
436
00:26:56,039 --> 00:26:57,639
I've been drinking this.
437
00:26:58,759 --> 00:27:02,799
I've been drinking
rotting animals and feces.
438
00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,960
Luckily, Lisa is in London today.
I won't tell her that...
439
00:27:09,599 --> 00:27:11,639
I won't tell her that this has happened.
440
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:15,200
That seems to be the best thing.
I'll just say no, everything's fine.
441
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:22,799
There was more bad news,
442
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,400
because even though
they were in storage...
443
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,919
time was starting to run out
for my potatoes.
444
00:27:33,039 --> 00:27:37,199
[Charlie] If we dig around,
there's quite a lot of rotten ones in here
445
00:27:37,279 --> 00:27:41,639
that, uh, we need to sort.
446
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,000
Yeah, we've got these ones which...
447
00:27:46,079 --> 00:27:52,039
sorry for those that are squeamish,
sort of have gone all pussy and horrible.
448
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,079
[Jeremy] I needed
to start selling them immediately.
449
00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,800
But the farm shop was nowhere near ready.
450
00:28:02,799 --> 00:28:07,319
So, in these desperate times,
I came up with a desperate measure.
451
00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:16,680
Morning.
452
00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:26,160
It's 15p, then, for one of those,
or 15p for that.
453
00:28:27,759 --> 00:28:29,959
That's the only drawback to my plan.
454
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:35,079
So, potatoes are there, bags are there.
455
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,520
Good.
456
00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:49,160
As it turned out, the honesty box
attracted people who were honest.
457
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:51,680
Mostly.
458
00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,640
Somebody has left me this bottle top.
459
00:28:58,119 --> 00:28:59,999
Because they are [bleep].
460
00:29:01,079 --> 00:29:06,479
But some people have left actual money.
461
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,320
So, I have earned...
462
00:29:09,839 --> 00:29:15,399
two, three, four, £5.35.
463
00:29:17,759 --> 00:29:19,079
What are they? Jacket ones?
464
00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:20,800
Look, look, look, look.
465
00:29:23,079 --> 00:29:25,959
So, you've got big ones, or smaller ones.
466
00:29:26,039 --> 00:29:29,039
-I'll take the big ones. I'll jacket them.
-How many do you want?
467
00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:31,600
-Seven.
-Seven?
468
00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,600
Brilliant. Look at this.
469
00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:37,840
Oh, I'm just so rich.
470
00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,120
However, I wasn't going to shift
16 tons of potatoes
471
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:44,760
from a filing cabinet.
472
00:29:45,319 --> 00:29:47,679
What I really needed was a finished shop.
473
00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:49,880
And on that front...
474
00:29:52,559 --> 00:29:56,759
there was good news because, finally,
it was starting to take shape.
475
00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:01,880
[Alan] Look, that's this morning.
476
00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,320
[Jeremy] Is that this morning?
477
00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,160
Yeah, I looked round the other side
yesterday in the rain.
478
00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:07,160
Come and have a look
what we done yesterday.
479
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,200
-Oh, fair weather Alan here.
-Yeah.
480
00:30:09,279 --> 00:30:10,759
[both laugh]
481
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,360
That's all right, innit?
Those jumpers and that.
482
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:15,640
-Good. I like the jumpers.
-[Alan] Yeah, they're good.
483
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,760
Nice big jumper.
We got a nice few of those.
484
00:30:17,839 --> 00:30:19,999
It just makes it look
more like that barn down there.
485
00:30:20,079 --> 00:30:22,199
-[Jeremy] That's exactly right.
-[Alan] Yeah.
486
00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,840
Now, I've got to go do the sheep.
I really have.
487
00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,480
And I do think I'm slowing you down,
which I don't want to do.
488
00:30:28,559 --> 00:30:31,479
-Bring a few taters back.
-I will. I'll bring you some potatoes.
489
00:30:31,559 --> 00:30:34,199
-I'll put a few in for you.
-I'll bring you some potatoes.
490
00:30:34,279 --> 00:30:35,639
[laughs] Please do.
491
00:30:38,119 --> 00:30:40,479
[Jeremy] As I was leaving,
Alan suddenly remembered
492
00:30:40,559 --> 00:30:42,079
something else he needed.
493
00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:43,840
[Alan] One thing before you go,
494
00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,800
we've gotta get water and electric
from the caravan site.
495
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,240
So we need to talk to them.
496
00:30:48,319 --> 00:30:50,839
It's owned by
the Camping and Caravan Club, though.
497
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:52,920
-Is it? Right.
-I get on really well with them,
498
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,040
'cause I've always been
incredibly nice about caravans.
499
00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:58,159
-Yeah, brilliant.
-I have always said really kind things.
500
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,920
I've seen them with the sticks of dynamite
in them and things.
501
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,720
Hey, yeah, we need
to get hold of them, really, don't we?
502
00:31:03,799 --> 00:31:05,279
I'll get on with that.
503
00:31:05,359 --> 00:31:07,839
[Jeremy] As it turned out,
the Camping and Caravan Club
504
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:10,440
were happy to supply me
with their power and water,
505
00:31:10,519 --> 00:31:14,159
so long as I gave them
something in return. So...
506
00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:23,119
Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson
507
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:27,560
and, as I've always said,
you can't beat a caravan holiday.
508
00:31:28,519 --> 00:31:32,039
A site like this offers
Camping and Caravan Club members
509
00:31:32,119 --> 00:31:36,959
access to the great outdoors
for as little as £41 a year.
510
00:31:39,119 --> 00:31:40,599
I think it's brightening up.
511
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,960
And it's a great place
to enjoy some al fresco dining,
512
00:31:46,039 --> 00:31:49,839
or maybe a bit of sport,
with people from all walks of life.
513
00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,160
So, come on, beat those Brexit blues
514
00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,360
and take your holiday this year
in a good old British field.
515
00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,440
You won't regret it. Cheers.
516
00:32:08,799 --> 00:32:11,519
[Jeremy] With the power and water
now being connected,
517
00:32:11,599 --> 00:32:15,439
everything was looking good. But then...
518
00:32:18,039 --> 00:32:19,839
Well, it's not great.
519
00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,960
Um, the site for the farm shop
that we're looking at,
520
00:32:24,039 --> 00:32:25,759
I've just been checking the title,
521
00:32:25,839 --> 00:32:28,879
and there's
a restrictive covenant in there,
522
00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,920
which puts a restriction on your use.
523
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,280
And what?
524
00:32:33,799 --> 00:32:37,639
Right. I've got a map.
So, the farm shop is coming up here.
525
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,120
Yeah. Is that the boundary of my land?
526
00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:44,440
Yeah.
527
00:32:46,599 --> 00:32:49,399
And there is a little corner
of that field...
528
00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:50,520
That's not my gate.
529
00:32:54,319 --> 00:32:56,239
[Charlie] We have a right of access,
530
00:32:56,319 --> 00:32:59,999
and we have a right of use
of that whole corner of the field.
531
00:33:00,079 --> 00:33:02,439
But it's restricted
to agricultural use only.
532
00:33:02,519 --> 00:33:05,879
-So, we can build the farm shop...
-But no customers can get to it.
533
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,800
...but no customers could get to it.
534
00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:09,359
[sighs]
535
00:33:11,279 --> 00:33:12,519
-It's tiny.
-Yeah, it is.
536
00:33:12,599 --> 00:33:14,079
Ten feet. It's just the gate.
537
00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,760
It's literally
the gate and a corner of the field.
538
00:33:16,839 --> 00:33:19,799
Um, probably, as you say,
about 100 square feet.
539
00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:21,640
Oh, for God's sake.
540
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:28,480
I therefore had to go and find the people
in the village who owned the gate,
541
00:33:28,559 --> 00:33:29,959
hoping they weren't those
542
00:33:30,039 --> 00:33:33,119
who'd objected to the shop being built
in the first place.
543
00:33:35,319 --> 00:33:38,199
And guess what... they weren't!
544
00:33:39,759 --> 00:33:42,639
They gave me permission
for customers to come to the shop,
545
00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,120
so work could resume.
546
00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:49,279
All right,
so just tip that out there, Brad.
547
00:33:49,359 --> 00:33:50,839
Get the barrels out the way now.
548
00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,200
[Jeremy] Until eventually,
549
00:33:53,279 --> 00:33:56,839
four weeks later than planned,
the building was complete.
550
00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,200
It's like Fortnum & Mason's, in my mind.
551
00:34:04,119 --> 00:34:06,559
-It's what?
-Don't say you don't know what that is.
552
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,440
-Not a clue.
-It's a big shop in Piccadilly in London.
553
00:34:09,519 --> 00:34:12,559
-You've done that fucking deliberate.
-Harrods. It's like Harrods.
554
00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:14,999
-All right, we know what Harrods is.
-It's like Harrods.
555
00:34:15,079 --> 00:34:17,639
We'll get this shit moved.
We'll get this leveled back down,
556
00:34:17,679 --> 00:34:20,959
and it will all be ready to go.
What about a toilet then?
557
00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,760
Well, we've got to get something.
You know, old people come.
558
00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,040
All right, I'm gonna go
and find something to sell.
559
00:34:28,119 --> 00:34:29,959
It's just never gonna stop raining, is it?
560
00:34:30,039 --> 00:34:32,319
Stop raining?
It hasn't stopped for eight weeks.
561
00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,200
Let me tell you something,
this is global warming.
562
00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,480
You racing about
all your life in vehicles.
563
00:34:38,559 --> 00:34:40,519
I'm sorry. What car is that over there?
564
00:34:40,599 --> 00:34:42,599
No, mine is electric, that van.
565
00:34:42,639 --> 00:34:46,759
Thirty years of you bouting about in them,
and other people,
566
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,640
ruined our fucking world
for the next generation.
567
00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:54,159
Just unbelievable horseshit. Oh, God!
568
00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,320
[Alan] Right, let's get on with this.
569
00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:57,880
Get all them pipes out.
570
00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,160
Shut that door up, Jason,
it'll get damaged.
571
00:35:00,199 --> 00:35:05,079
[Jeremy] In truth, there was a lot to do
before the bare barn was an actual shop.
572
00:35:05,159 --> 00:35:07,399
[Alan]
Luke, I want all this rubbish out of here.
573
00:35:08,639 --> 00:35:12,999
[Jeremy] But as each hour passed,
the potatoes were rotting.
574
00:35:13,079 --> 00:35:16,119
The pheasants were eating my wasabi.
575
00:35:16,159 --> 00:35:19,279
The fox was circling the henhouses.
576
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:21,880
And the hunt I brought in to deal with it
were bound by law
577
00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,400
to be on the phone when it strolled by.
578
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,960
As time was therefore critical,
579
00:35:31,039 --> 00:35:35,439
I decided that night that
the Diddly Squat farm shop would open,
580
00:35:35,519 --> 00:35:38,679
come what may, that weekend.
581
00:35:40,519 --> 00:35:45,639
Well, we've got to get all the boxes
up for the vegetables in the farm shop.
582
00:35:45,679 --> 00:35:48,279
-Yeah.
-Got to get the advertising signs hung.
583
00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,080
-Okay.
-We've got to get the farm shop decorated.
584
00:35:51,159 --> 00:35:54,439
So, what do you want me to do? And when
is the farm shop opening, actually?
585
00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:58,639
-Tomorrow, two o'clock. I know, I know.
-What's the time now?
586
00:35:58,679 --> 00:36:02,639
-Twenty to 10:00, Friday. Opens tomorrow.
-And we've got to do all this?
587
00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:04,400
Otherwise the potatoes will have rotted.
588
00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,800
If we don't open it now,
we have no potatoes.
589
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:09,640
All those potatoes will be rotten
and be gone.
590
00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:10,760
Yeah.
591
00:36:12,159 --> 00:36:15,079
[Jeremy] Kaleb rushed off
to get signs made,
592
00:36:15,159 --> 00:36:17,319
while I took Lisa to the shop
593
00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:20,440
so she could start decorating,
594
00:36:20,519 --> 00:36:22,799
and I could try out the carpark.
595
00:36:28,079 --> 00:36:30,839
-[Lisa] That's really deep.
-[Jeremy] That's really bad.
596
00:36:37,119 --> 00:36:39,079
-Ready?
-[Lisa] Yes, hang on.
597
00:36:41,079 --> 00:36:44,439
-[Jeremy] Yay.
-[Lisa] That is great. Eventually.
598
00:36:44,519 --> 00:36:46,679
-[Jeremy] Ready?
-[Lisa] Yeah, go on.
599
00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:51,160
Wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the sink?
600
00:36:51,199 --> 00:36:52,199
[Jeremy] What?
601
00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,640
[Lisa] So, you have a sink,
and you're rinsing stuff.
602
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:56,600
No, we haven't got a sink.
We've got a tap.
603
00:36:56,639 --> 00:36:59,039
But let's not get bogged down, shall we,
604
00:36:59,119 --> 00:37:02,439
with the lack
of any form of drainage to save money.
605
00:37:03,159 --> 00:37:04,159
Um...
606
00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:06,799
That looks fantastic.
It's a lot bigger with the roof on.
607
00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:07,680
[Jeremy] Yes.
608
00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,000
Leaving Lisa to paint the walls,
609
00:37:10,079 --> 00:37:14,759
I went off to help Kaleb
erect our advertising signs.
610
00:37:24,199 --> 00:37:26,159
[Kaleb] How many people
are coming on Saturday?
611
00:37:26,199 --> 00:37:27,599
[Jeremy] Well, now,
that's a good question.
612
00:37:27,639 --> 00:37:30,479
[Kaleb] Have you put it
in the Chipping Norton News?
613
00:37:30,559 --> 00:37:34,879
-No, because it suddenly occurred to me...
-[Kaleb] Social media.
614
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:39,640
Social media.
Twitter, I've got 7.1 million...
615
00:37:39,679 --> 00:37:41,839
-[Kaleb] Fucking hell.
-[Jeremy] ...followers.
616
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,880
What do you do on Twitter?
I don't use Twitter.
617
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,080
Nothing.
Twitter now is just an opportunity
618
00:37:46,159 --> 00:37:49,959
for very left-wing people to express
increasingly left-wing views
619
00:37:50,039 --> 00:37:51,879
to other left-wing people.
620
00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,360
So, I'm not sure it's a farm shop...
621
00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,440
-Hey, but it's all vegetarian, isn't it?
-Yeah. No, it is.
622
00:37:57,519 --> 00:37:59,439
Yes, you see, that's a Twitter handle.
623
00:37:59,519 --> 00:38:02,999
-Everything is going vegan.
-That's a Twitter handle.
624
00:38:03,079 --> 00:38:05,479
Oh, Christ, we'll have them
with their smelly armpits
625
00:38:05,559 --> 00:38:07,399
queuing up for a mile if we say that.
626
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,480
After I'd finished tweeting,
627
00:38:09,559 --> 00:38:11,639
Kaleb came up with a Kaleb-type suggestion
628
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,200
about what we could do
with any unsold potatoes.
629
00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,000
There's a thing... You actually can go
and have a potato fight with people.
630
00:38:19,079 --> 00:38:22,159
Get there, you get drunk,
and you chuck potatoes at each other.
631
00:38:22,199 --> 00:38:23,319
[laughing]
632
00:38:24,679 --> 00:38:28,279
Like, what? You go to a party,
and then how does it work?
633
00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:30,520
Start off all,
"How are you doing? You all right?"
634
00:38:30,599 --> 00:38:33,159
And then, about, I don't know,
ten o'clock comes. That's it.
635
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,880
You're just chucking potatoes
at each other.
636
00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,800
Who are these other
potato flingers around here?
637
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:39,080
I can't name them all
638
00:38:39,159 --> 00:38:41,479
'cause they'll be like,
"Yeah, he's just named me."
639
00:38:41,639 --> 00:38:44,519
And everyone will be chucking potatoes
at them, like they like it.
640
00:38:44,599 --> 00:38:45,439
[laughing]
641
00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:50,120
Your life and my life
are incredibly different.
642
00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:54,760
With the signs up,
we went back to the farm shop...
643
00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,560
to help erect the portaloo.
644
00:39:01,639 --> 00:39:04,119
All right, it's a thing of great beauty,
isn't it?
645
00:39:05,519 --> 00:39:07,199
So, we just plonk that up.
646
00:39:07,559 --> 00:39:09,399
How does it not blow over in the wind?
647
00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:13,080
Oh, it's probably best to put some
sandbags or something to weigh it down.
648
00:39:13,159 --> 00:39:14,119
Cheers, mate.
649
00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:21,800
With the portaloo in place,
I went to check on Michael O'Angelo.
650
00:39:23,519 --> 00:39:25,039
-[Lisa] So, Jeremy?
-[Jeremy] Yeah?
651
00:39:25,119 --> 00:39:27,919
I spoke to Mum,
and I sent her a video of what I'm doing.
652
00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,800
And she sent me a Whatsapp back.
653
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,600
"Oh, my goodness. Stop right now.
654
00:39:33,159 --> 00:39:37,159
You need to prepare the breeze blocks
before you paint them. Google it."
655
00:39:37,639 --> 00:39:38,479
So, I googled it
656
00:39:38,559 --> 00:39:40,999
and you have to do
a mixture of cement and water,
657
00:39:41,079 --> 00:39:42,919
and then paint that on.
658
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,360
Yeah, but if we just say
we wanted this effect.
659
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,680
We haven't got time to do that.
The shop is opening in...
660
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,440
-[Lisa] I know. It's too late anyway.
-...24 hours and ten minutes.
661
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,000
Leaving Lisa to it,
662
00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:58,480
I went to collect the eggs
we'd be selling.
663
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,680
One, two.
664
00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,200
No, absolutely none.
665
00:40:07,519 --> 00:40:08,639
One.
666
00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,280
Last chance. 59 chickens...
667
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,640
One. What are you doing?
668
00:40:18,199 --> 00:40:19,759
That is 11 eggs.
669
00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:22,280
That is enough for a picnic, not a shop.
670
00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:28,040
Having harangued the hens,
I drove back to the farm shop...
671
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,520
and arrived just in time
for a visit from cheerful Charlie.
672
00:40:35,039 --> 00:40:38,519
I was just thinking as I walked across,
could you have built it in a windier spot?
673
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,440
Yes, I know.
But we're next to ready-made customers.
674
00:40:42,519 --> 00:40:43,999
[Charlie] Absolutely.
675
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,080
[Jeremy] Charlie then informed me
676
00:40:47,159 --> 00:40:50,999
that I wouldn't be selling any mutton
from the sheep I'd slaughtered earlier.
677
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,480
I can't sell the meat?
678
00:40:53,559 --> 00:40:56,639
No, not until you've got the sign-off
from Food Hygiene.
679
00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,120
So, that frozen...
680
00:40:59,159 --> 00:41:03,119
That frozen stuff will have to stay unsold
until we've got...
681
00:41:03,159 --> 00:41:04,999
She is coming round next week, I think.
682
00:41:05,079 --> 00:41:07,399
Is that the one that can't come
on Thursdays and Fridays?
683
00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,840
The local council
cannot send somebody out, yes.
684
00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:10,880
Why not?
685
00:41:11,519 --> 00:41:13,439
[Charlie] What, because she only works
Monday to Wednesday.
686
00:41:13,519 --> 00:41:18,439
Is it 1974? Have I been asleep
and woken up in the '70s?
687
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:20,280
Come on.
688
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:25,800
Inside, Charlie's bureaucratic bombs
kept on falling.
689
00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:29,160
In Lisa's mind,
there is a lovely coffee area out here.
690
00:41:30,159 --> 00:41:33,319
-People can sit and have a cup of coffee.
-Variation of planning.
691
00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:37,199
Building a fire pit. Do I need
a council planning permission for that?
692
00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,600
No, but we might need a risk assessment.
693
00:41:39,639 --> 00:41:42,639
Can I put a note up outside?
"Don't walk in the fire."
694
00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:45,160
-Just for public liability.
-"Don't lie down in the fire."
695
00:41:45,199 --> 00:41:48,359
That's good. "Don't touch the fire."
696
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:52,480
So, what I'm saying is, "Hello customer,
I think you're a halfwit."
697
00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,440
Mercifully, I eventually escaped
698
00:41:57,519 --> 00:42:01,039
from the red tape and got on
with the business of finishing the shop.
699
00:42:06,199 --> 00:42:07,919
See, that's going to work.
700
00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:13,120
[drill whirrs]
701
00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:22,599
We've got so much to do.
702
00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:34,480
Fucking hell.
703
00:42:36,079 --> 00:42:37,759
[drill whirrs]
704
00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:45,160
The next day,
the weather was not like this.
705
00:42:46,159 --> 00:42:48,319
It was cold and bleak,
706
00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,160
and there were still issues
to be dealt with.
707
00:42:53,119 --> 00:42:56,359
-They're really good eggs.
-But you have got a salmonella test?
708
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,800
-What? Have we?
-Have you?
709
00:43:03,639 --> 00:43:04,919
[Kaleb]
That looks really good, doesn't it?
710
00:43:05,039 --> 00:43:06,799
-Yeah, that looks fantastic.
-I'll open this one.
711
00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:11,360
Here we go. And then, we have that's...
Well, when it's closed, look...
712
00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:14,880
-No, no, no. It's a yoga shop.
-[Lisa] Squat shop.
713
00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,560
Well, squat shop, it sounds like
people come here to do yoga.
714
00:43:17,639 --> 00:43:19,639
-[Lisa] Diddly Squat.
-Yes, but when we're closed,
715
00:43:19,679 --> 00:43:22,439
it's very clear what we do.
When we're open,
716
00:43:22,519 --> 00:43:25,919
women will come in leotards and say,
"Can I do a downward dog?"
717
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,640
Bit of a problem with the spring water.
718
00:43:34,679 --> 00:43:37,359
I ordered four sample bottles,
719
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:40,160
and they have arrived in time
for the shop opening,
720
00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:43,920
but I went for the yellow one.
721
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:45,640
And, as you can see,
722
00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,960
I mean the label is good. I'm pleased.
723
00:43:51,039 --> 00:43:53,239
It's clear, but...
724
00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:54,920
Um...
725
00:43:57,159 --> 00:43:59,839
It kind of looks like a sample.
726
00:44:03,079 --> 00:44:05,359
However, as zero hour approached,
727
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:07,600
everything was finally in order.
728
00:44:10,599 --> 00:44:11,759
[joyous music playing]
729
00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:21,319
And we were ready to receive customers.
730
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,320
The question was,
731
00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,280
had my social media shout-out been enough
732
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,120
to draw any in?
733
00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:33,400
Right, here we go. This is it.
734
00:44:55,719 --> 00:45:00,039
[Lisa] Can I interest you in anything?
Potatoes maybe?
735
00:45:00,119 --> 00:45:01,519
Yeah, it's a wide selection of potatoes.
736
00:45:01,599 --> 00:45:03,999
Yes. Well, they're Melody potatoes.
737
00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:07,279
They're delicious for chipping,
for roasting, they're really good.
738
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:09,720
-Okay.
-Baking are fantastic.
739
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,920
-Chips, knock yourself out.
-Do you take American Express?
740
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,000
-Visa.
-Ah.
741
00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:20,039
[Jeremy]
Then, just as I was starting to panic...
742
00:45:29,039 --> 00:45:30,319
[Jeremy] Holy cow.
743
00:45:32,639 --> 00:45:34,199
Oh, my giddy aunt.
744
00:45:35,519 --> 00:45:38,359
No, seriously, look down there.
Look down there.
745
00:45:38,679 --> 00:45:41,199
It is, quite literally,
as far as the eye can see.
746
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:52,840
Oh, my God, what have I done?
747
00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:55,120
-[woman] You all right?
-Yeah, I am.
748
00:45:55,199 --> 00:45:57,319
It's just more people have come
than I was expecting.
749
00:45:57,400 --> 00:45:59,840
[woman] My husband had
an operation, but he came to see you.
750
00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:02,960
-Oh, I'm so grateful to you.
-Had a spine operation.
751
00:46:03,039 --> 00:46:04,559
Well, I've got disabled parking.
752
00:46:05,639 --> 00:46:08,239
-So, have you got your blue badge?
-[woman] Yes, we do.
753
00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:11,200
Well, park in the blue badge.
I've put a special space.
754
00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:12,840
-Thank you.
-Thanks.
755
00:46:14,159 --> 00:46:17,679
Also, hordes of people
were now arriving on foot.
756
00:46:19,519 --> 00:46:24,999
Soon, the shop was heaving,
and Lisa was run off her feet.
757
00:46:25,079 --> 00:46:26,679
Hi. Hi, how are you?
758
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:28,720
Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you?
759
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,240
[Jeremy] I, meanwhile, had decided
760
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,120
I was more useful
as a front-of-house type of person.
761
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:36,920
-You mind if I take a picture?
-No, that's fine.
762
00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,920
-What do I write?
-To Curtis.
763
00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,960
[Lisa] There we go. And your potatoes.
764
00:46:44,039 --> 00:46:46,479
That'll be £6.21, please, sir.
There we go, £6.02.
765
00:46:46,559 --> 00:46:47,759
And that's £6.72.
766
00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:49,880
Anyone knows what happened Chelsea-Spurs?
767
00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,720
-Six... How much? £2.20? Hi, how are you?
-Fine thanks.
768
00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:55,600
There we go, and your potatoes.
You want the cake as well?
769
00:46:55,679 --> 00:46:56,999
Which newspaper are you from?
770
00:46:57,079 --> 00:46:58,799
The Cotswolds Gentleman.
771
00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,520
-The Cotswolds Gentleman?
-Yeah.
772
00:47:01,599 --> 00:47:04,399
Oh, I like the idea
of being in the Cotswolds Gentleman.
773
00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:08,400
As the customers piled in,
a problem developed.
774
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:13,280
The carpark was becoming a quagmire.
775
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:16,640
[Kaleb] There's a problem.
776
00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:19,559
[Jeremy]
I saw this as a public relations disaster,
777
00:47:19,639 --> 00:47:22,959
while Kaleb saw it
as a business opportunity.
778
00:47:24,519 --> 00:47:27,399
You're not charging people
to tow them out of the carpark.
779
00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:29,439
No, you're not.
780
00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:33,280
You can't. It's not fair. It's a shop.
781
00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:37,160
You're here to provide a service
with my very powerful tractor.
782
00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:38,960
Hmm...
783
00:47:39,039 --> 00:47:41,039
Yeah, now that I think of it.
784
00:47:41,119 --> 00:47:42,679
[customer]
Does that mean I can have my £10 back?
785
00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:45,080
You're not paying him. Kaleb, give him...
786
00:47:45,159 --> 00:47:47,799
-I gave him £10.
-See? There's a business idea.
787
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,800
It isn't a business idea, it's theft.
788
00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:54,760
As the afternoon wore on,
the punters kept on coming.
789
00:47:58,039 --> 00:48:01,679
Right, so that is just over three kilos,
let's say three kilos.
790
00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,960
A card would be much easier
if you have it.
791
00:48:04,559 --> 00:48:06,759
I'll carry it to your car, madam.
792
00:48:08,559 --> 00:48:10,079
[Lisa] Thank you.
793
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:19,240
I mean, I can't sell meat,
but I have got a bit of mutton.
794
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,960
[Kaleb] Thank you very much.
And it's £10 to get out.
795
00:48:28,039 --> 00:48:30,639
If you want my meat, it's round the back.
796
00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:36,840
After a frantic day,
it was time to shut the doors...
797
00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:39,280
-Thanks for coming.
-Thank you ever so much for coming.
798
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:40,480
[Lisa] Enjoy your potatoes.
799
00:48:40,559 --> 00:48:42,239
...and count the takings.
800
00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:48,240
40, 60, 80, 120.
801
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,920
Do we need one of those,
like, Pablo Escobar counting machines?
802
00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:54,560
No, you know, like drug dealers
where they go... [mimics riffling]
803
00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,680
One fifty...
804
00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:00,160
I'd say we have about
805
00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:05,039
160, 170, 175 in there.
806
00:49:05,119 --> 00:49:07,359
-One hundred and seventy-five?
-Yeah, and...
807
00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:09,520
-£75.
-Cash.
808
00:49:09,599 --> 00:49:12,319
-I know...
-And then, but I was quite busy...
809
00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:14,680
-How much did we do on credit card?
-How much do you think?
810
00:49:15,719 --> 00:49:19,879
Um... Don't know.
I can't even begin to guess. £100, £200?
811
00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:24,600
[Lisa] £897.76. So, we almost made it.
812
00:49:24,679 --> 00:49:26,239
Eighty-seven?
813
00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:30,440
-£897.76.
-Plus 100...
814
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:33,520
-Plus 100... Well, we'll own up to this.
-So, 170 odd.
815
00:49:33,599 --> 00:49:34,839
A hundred and...
816
00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:37,440
Seventy odd, so over a grand.
817
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:43,920
-I know!
-I'm a human tripod.
818
00:49:44,039 --> 00:49:47,199
-That's a lot of sales. We have...
-There is still a lot...
819
00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,240
...sold so many potatoes.
820
00:49:50,519 --> 00:49:53,159
And we have so many left, Jeremy.
821
00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:58,680
But no matter,
the shop was now on the map,
822
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:00,720
and there was always tomorrow.
823
00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:06,520
Except, as it turned out, there wasn't.
824
00:50:10,119 --> 00:50:11,559
I've been closed down.
825
00:50:11,639 --> 00:50:14,799
I have in my hand
a piece of paper from the council.
826
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:16,560
They are unhappy with the tin roof.
827
00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,479
They say they want it to be made of slate.
828
00:50:18,559 --> 00:50:21,399
Obviously, if they're not happy,
I don't have planning permission.
829
00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,640
If I don't have planning permission,
I can't be open.
830
00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:29,479
Which means this is the shortest
farm shop business in history.
831
00:50:32,199 --> 00:50:34,599
Something will go right one day,
it has to.
832
00:50:35,679 --> 00:50:36,759
It has to.
833
00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:43,680
Oh, yeah, look at that.
834
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:47,080
Ecoists get their cocks out
for this kind of thing, don't they?
835
00:50:50,039 --> 00:50:51,879
What the fuck are you doing up here?
836
00:50:53,119 --> 00:50:54,119
[upbeat music playing]
64752
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