All language subtitles for hacks.s01e08.720p.web.h264-glhf

- Sneaking out in the morning
without saying goodbye?

I thought you just did that
to aspiring backup dancers.

- I'm not leaving just yet.

- I'm not making you breakfast,
if that's what you're after.

- There is a story
coming out today

in the "Review-Journal"
that MC Ludwig

is taking over your slot
at the Palmetto.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

- I'm literally naked here.

- I just wanted
to tell you myself

before you heard it
someplace else.

Your 2,500th show
is going to be your last.

- What about the pictures
that I have, the photos?

- I'll take the hit.

- I have a contract
for two more years.

- And I'm buying you out of it.
You'll get your full penalty.

This wasn't just my decision.
I have a board to answer to.

- You know, you didn't have
to have sex with me

to soften the blow.

You're not that good in bed.
- No.

Look, I wanted to tell you
last night,

but then one thing
led to another, and...

as much as I enjoyed it,

this wasn't part of the plan.

- You can go now.

- All right.

I am truly sorry.

== Hacks ==
Season 1 - Episode 8

Episode Title: "1.69 Million"
Aired on: June 02, 2021

Ava!

- Get up.
- How'd you get in here?

- I paid for the room.
I have a key.

Get up, we have
a whole new hour to write.

- Wait, what?

I have to pee.
- No. No time.

Marty is buying me
out of my contract.

- Oh, shit.
- We're gonna do all that

unfunny confessional stuff
that we've been

talking about
for the anniversary show.

It's gonna be
the whole thing.

- Unfunny?
- And it's gonna be so splashy

that another casino
will want me,

and I can tell Marty
to go fuck himself.

Why are you still in bed?

- A full new hour?

D, that show is two weeks away.

- First of all, you will
absolutely not call me D.

And secondly, yes, I know.
It's a time crunch.

So come on, grab...a pile.

You're gonna be staying at
my house till we're finished.

Also, you're gonna start
getting up

every morning at 7:00.

- Wh--
- Piece of advice.

If Kelly Ripa's day
is already over

and yours hasn't even started,
you're in trouble.

What is this?

- That's my bra bucket.
There's no storage here.

- No, no, no, no, no, this.

- Oh, that's
my matcha latte station.

- You're not bringing that.

Move your ass!
- Okay!

- So then I started
taking diet pills.

But they gave me
such terrible headaches,

I couldn't sleep,
but I'll tell you what.

I didn't miss a second
of the OJ trial.

- Come on, you've seen
the grape lady.

- I've never heard of her.
- Okay. Look at this.

- These buckets are filled
with grapes...

- Okay, fine, you pick.
- I want to get sushi.

I love the crab roll
from that place.

- No.
That was Alan Alda's birthday.

Who's that?

- Oh.
That's horrible.

- I can't breathe.
Stop.

Play it again.

♪ Not trying to be your hero ♪

- Best two out of three.

- Yes!
Crab roll, here I come, baby.

- Well, I hear this snap sound.

And I knew
that the bone was broken.

- Ow, ow, ow!
Ow, ow!

♪ Is too low to see, yeah ♪

Oh, my God.

They forgot the crab roll!

- We've been working all day.

You haven't laughed
this hard once.

- No, I don't do insult humor.

- You insult my hands
all the time.

- That's observational humor.
- Oh, my God!

- Hey, is it okay
if I leave my eyes open?

- Oh, definitely not.
- Why didn't you tell me?

- You're young.
You'll be fine.

- Hit.

21.

Ava wins!

- You don't always
have to sound so surprised.

- Why are you guys
going to Sacramento?

Can't you just
practice it here?

- 'Cause if it works there,
it'll work anywhere.

- Fun fact:

Sacramento is home
to one of the only

female serial killers.

What?
I know feminist shit too.

- You know, I always thought
it was so bizarre

that Sacramento
is the capital of California.

It's like Albany being
the capital of New York.

It feels like someone
tried to guess which cities

were gonna be important,
like, 200 years ago

and now everyone's afraid
to admit that they were wrong.

- You know what's crazy?
- Hmm?

- I just listened to that whole
thing, and I agree with you.

- That is crazy.

That is crazy.

Hi.
- Mm, hey, kiddo.

- Oh, Dad, hi!

- How's Sin City?
- It's all right.

How are you feeling?
- Great!

I was just thinking,
maybe I could come visit.

Huh?
See your comedian's show.

You know, I had Woody Allen
records back in the day.

- Mm, you gotta
get rid of those.

All right,
so what's a good weekend?

- Are you sure
you should fly, Dad?

What does Mom think?

- Well, you know her.

Remember when
she wouldn't let you

drive to the mall
till you were 19?

- Yeah, but that was
a hectic parking lot

and a huge van.

You know, you're talking
about flying cross-country

a couple months
after having a stroke.

- I'm telling you, I'm fine.

So do you use
Travel-o-city.com?

You think that's legit?

- Yeah.
It's legit, yeah.

- Hello, period.

Can't wait to see you tonight,
period.

Winky face.

Delete.

Delete winky face.

Oh, my God.

I've always wondered,
literally,

who on Earth uses
voice to text, and it's you.

This tracks so hard.

- Shouldn't you be
in Sacramento?

- Yeah, we're leaving in 20.

You know, I always thought
it was so weird

how Sacramento
is the capital of California,

like how Albany
is the capital of New York--

- I hope it's worth it.
- What?

- Do you know she made me
clear her schedule

for the last two weeks?

And Deborah's built
a loyal audience for years.

And that's the foundation
of our business, so...

this whole soul-baring thing
sounds very off-brand.

- I guess, but...
isn't that kind of the point?

- Potentially alienating
her fans, no.

I'm not sure
that should be the point.

- Okay, well,
the new hour was her idea.

And I think it's great
she wants to change.

- Oh, and Deborah's
gonna change?

Okay.

- Ava, let's go!

- Delete winky face.

- Oh, they always
smell like this.

- Bad?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.
- Oh, wow.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.
I was so nervous then.

I'd been doing stand-up
less than a year.

- But people knew you
from your show, right?

- Not as a stand-up, though.
I really had to prove myself.

Every joke had to hit.

I kind of miss that, you know,
having to earn your laughs.

When you get big, there's no
sense of excitement, you know?

No risk that people
are gonna hate you.

- Hey, hey.

Plenty of people
can still hate you.

That was good.

Oh, wow.

I don't think they've changed
the carpet since I was here.

There she is, Deborah Vance.

What's going on?

Oh.

- Boom. Good to see you.

Drew Higgins.
I'm hosting tonight.

So I usually do my full set
at the end

but can't tonight
'cause you're here--

real legend,
which is very cool.

- Maybe I'll croak
halfway through,

you can have the last
half hour, how's that?

- That--that'd be great.

- So I'll take a light at 15
and another one at 5.

- Okay.
I will tell the booth, I guess.

Oh, and there's a greenroom
in the back.

You can drop
all your shit there,

and don't fuck it up.

- Words to live by.

- I know that is not
Deborah Vance!

- Oh!

No, honey!

- That famous bitch
wouldn't be caught dead

in a hellhole like this.

- Oh, life is cruel, Francine.
- Oh!

- Life is cruel.
- Let me look at you.

Ugh!
You're incredible.

- Well, I better look good!
I'm rich!

Oh!

Well, let's grab a table
and talk some shit.

Come on!

- Hi, I'm Ava.

- Hi.
- Nina, where is it?

- Dennis! Jesus!

It's right next to the Kleenex!

- Mom?
- Christ.

Dad's saying
he's coming to visit you.

Are you crazy?
He cannot come to visit you.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.
I never--

- I mean, it's ridiculous.
You know that he's not well.

I mean, it can't happen.
It just can't happen!

- Calm down.
I'm agreeing with you.

I didn't ask him to come.

He just seems to think
that he can.

- Yeah, well, you know,
he's in denial.

He can't even lift
his left arm.

Yesterday he snapped at me

when I told him
to let your cousin

put the cover
on the outdoor couch.

- You guys got
an outdoor couch?

- Mm.
It's IKEA, we'll see.

Listen, why don't you
come home this weekend

and stay for a week?

He'll get to see you.

He'll forget all about
this trip thing.

And then we can get you in with
Dr. Taline for your physical.

- Mom, I'm 25.

I can't see
a pediatrician anymore.

Plus, I can't just
drop everything

and fly across the country.

- Dr. Taline is wonderful,
and your father--

- I know you told him
he can't travel,

but I don't know,
tell him again.

- I can't find it!

- Christ on the cross, Dennis!

I said it's right next
to the Kleenex!

Ava...
- Okay, okay.

- He'll listen to you.
I love you.

- I gotta go. Bye.
- I'll see you--

Hey! Hey! Hey!

God damn it!
That neighbor's dog.

- Hello!

Aww, baby, charcuterie!

- Mom, what are you doing here?

- I DM'ed you last night.

I ordered the Royal Rumble
on pay-per-view.

- On my TV?
I offered to get you cable.

- Baby, quit acting brand-new.
You know I'm a cord cutter.

Where's the remote?

- Okay, Mom,
you can't be here right now.

- Says the boy who squatted
in my uterus for ten months?

Oh, shit.

Oh.

- Wow.

Okay.
Mom, this is Wilson.

Wilson, my mother, Robin.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Okay, I love him.

Marcus, don't fuck this up.

- Mom.
- Hon.

What's it, Wilson?
- Yes. Yeah.

- Come sit.
- Oh, thank you.

- Wilson...you like weed?

- Oh, yes,
but I'm good right now.

Thank you.
- Okay.

Well, we are just about
to watch

the Royal Rumble!

- We're not.
- Wait, WWE?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

I was obsessed with the divas
in middle school.

- Really?
- Oh, my God.

Ivory, Lita, Jacqueline.
- Mm-hmm!

- Oh, and Trish Stratus?
Oh, she was everything.

- Child, now, that girl
had quite the chest.

- That chest postponed
my coming out,

I swear, for at least a year.
- Stop it, girl!

- Okay, all right,
I think Wilson and I

actually are going to go out
for dinner.

- Oh. All right. Okay.
- Yes. Yes.

- Well, Robin, it was
a pleasure to meet you.

- And the next time
we get together,

we're gonna talk about
the Bella Twins.

Do you know that they had
their baby a day apart?

- Mm-hmm.
- Now, that's some crazy shit.

- It was crazy.
- It was crazy, right?

- Good night, good night, Mom.
- Okay, I'm not the only one.

- Good night.
- Have a good time!

Get ready to rumble!

- I know, I can't believe it.

- How do you two
know each other?

- Oh, we used to see each other
at all the clubs.

But I never spoke
to Ms. Deb.

She was scary.
- What?

- Me?
- No.

- Plus, she was the lady
from the TV show.

At that time,
I was dating this jerk.

And one night
after a really bad set,

I was practically
carrying him to my car.

He was a blackout drunk.

And Ms. Deb helped me
load him into my back seat.

- Should have been
in the trunk.

Oh, yes!

She told me to drop his ass.

And after I did,
she took me on tour with her.

- It was just so I could drive
in the carpool lane.

You bitch.

You ladies ready to order?

- Can I get a coffee with--
do you guys have oat milk?

- No.

- Do you have soy?

- No, sorry.

- Oh, God!

The entitled millennial
is gonna have to drink 2%.

Emergency!
Somebody get an EpiPen!

- Oh, God, that is rich.

Tell me, what exactly
do people think

millennials are entitled to?

- Oh, God, here we go.
- Huh?

Expensive-ass health care?

The planet ruined
by ignoring climate change?

Yeah, the only thing
millennials are entitled to

is our future grandchildren

running around
the desert hellscape

sucking shriveled dicks
for water or whatever.

And also, most importantly,
I'm Gen Z, okay?

There are millennials
who are, like, 40.

- So what about black?

- Yeah, that's great.
Thank you.

- You know, I would have been
more than happy

to smoke weed with your mom.

- Oh, God, you would have
got nothing

because she hogs it all.

Are you guys close?

- We are now,
but when I first came out,

she was way less supportive
than my Dad, weirdly.

And after he died, she went way
too far in the other direction.

I mean, she got me poppers for
a stocking stuffer one year.

- No!
- Yes.

And, oh, get this,
the other day,

I overheard her telling
her friend that I'm a vers top.

- Wait, did you tell her?
- No!

Oh, God.

- Oh! You know
who finally died? Ira.

- Aww.

Now, there's someone
I'm gonna have to try to avoid

when I get to hell.

I was gonna call you
about his funeral,

but then I remembered
your rule.

- I don't do funerals.
- No funerals.

- Who was Ira?

- Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira.

Ira was the proprietor
of this club.

- We would have to slide
onto the stage

with our backs
against the wall

so he wouldn't grab our asses
on the way up.

- Oh, my God, ew.
- Oh, that was nothing.

I'm convinced he and Cosby
had the same pharmacist.

- Oh! Now, you know he used

to make the new girls
sit on his lap

before he would give them
their paychecks?

- That's why they called him
Old Saint Dick, you know.

- Well, anyway, he's dead now.
- Oh, God.

- Dessert, anyone?

- Rock climbing in toe shoes.
- No.

- Okay.

- We don't wear toe shoes
for rock climbing.

But yes, I do own a pair.

- Well, you do you,
I don't kink shame.

- Oh, there's no shame.
My toes are beautiful.

Yes, they are. God.

- You know,
I'm actually going to Zion

next week to go bouldering.

- Oh, great.
- Mm-hmm.

- I've never been.
It sounds lovely.

I'd love to go.
- Oh, great.

- Oh, wait, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to just--
I meant sometime.

I didn't want to just fully
invite myself to your trip.

Unless...
- No, no, no.

Okay, so I wanted
to invite you.

I just didn't want to seem like
I was coming on too strong.

So you want to come?

- Well, it's not like anybody's
gonna miss me at work,

so...yeah, let's do it.

- You are going to love it.

Nothing as far as the eye
can see, and, like,

there's barely any
cell service, no distractions.

Just us.

- Cool, cool.

I--

You know, I'm just gonna
wash my hands

before the entrées come.

- Oh, okay.
- Be right back.

- Oh, that's good.

- Hey, could you hurry, please?
- Yep.

- Thank you.

Yeah, sorry, could you--

could you actually
park it again?

- For real?
- Yeah, sorry.

Here.
Thank you.

Sorry.

So...camping.

How do I protect myself
from bears?

- Oh.

You can't.

It's okay.
I'll protect you.

- I'm much bigger than you.
I think it's up to me.

- Mm.
You're gonna protect me?

No, we're both gonna die.

- God.

- Okay, so I'm gonna go
from DJ's first overdose

to the broken foot
and then do a callback

to DJ's second overdose, okay.

So I'm gonna close with--

I don't know, the hysterectomy
scare or double foreclosure?

I mean, really, which
do you think is punchier?

- Sorry, what?

- Hey, will you
pay attention, please?

- I'm just thinking
about that Ira guy.

- Eh, what are you gonna do?

Okay, so I know we planned on
ending with double foreclosure,

but is hysterectomy stronger?

- I know it was, like,
the time and everything,

but I'm still--
I'm just mad for you.

- Well, if I'm not upset
about it, you shouldn't be.

- Yeah, but I mean,
it's upsetting, you know?

Like, I'm really glad
that you weren't affected,

but I'm sure a lot
of other women were

and, like, stopped doing comedy

'cause they were scared of,
you know,

getting finger-blasted
in the greenroom or whatever.

- I was affected.

You know, it pissed me off
that I had to deal with that,

and then he gets to take credit
for me?

Put my photo up
on his fucking wall?

But life goes on.
Now, which is funnier,

double foreclosure
or hysterectomy?

- Double foreclosure.
- Thank you.

- I'm sorry,
I don't mean to, like,

victim blame at all.

I'm just wondering, like,

don't you think you should have
maybe reported him?

- Ugh, Ira owned most of the
good venues on the West Coast.

It was a real boys' club.

I couldn't afford
to burn that bridge.

- Oh, so you were just looking
out for your own career, then?

- What are you accusing me of?
- Nothing.

- I helped a lot of people.

I wasn't perfect,
but I did what I could.

- Yeah, but then
you got rich and famous.

You could have
come after him then.

Instead you just worked your
way up the ladder and then--

- Oh, God.

Now you're accusing me
of being a ladder puller?

Please! Just by getting up
on that stage,

I gave other women
more than I ever had.

Forget the ladder, I built
a marble fucking staircase!

It's not my job
to carry people up it.

If you're not gonna help,
you can just leave.

Also, you're wrong.
Hysterectomy's funnier.

I'm closing with that.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Hi.

- So how'd that flight look?

Oh, and does your hotel
have a party pool?

- Yeah, it's basically
a giant toilet.

But, Dad, I'm sorry.
You can't come to visit me.

- Oh, come on, I told you.
I feel up for it.

- No, it's not that, really.

I'm just--
I'm just really busy.

I'm working for Deborah, and...

also, I have another
super secret project

I'm not even actually
allowed to talk about,

and I'm not gonna have
a lot of free time.

- Hey, that's not a problem.

I can gamble all day,
and then we can just

go out for dinner--
or lunch, even.

What time's your lunch break?
- Dad, I told you.

Writing is not, like,
a nine-to-five thing.

I don't have a lunch break.

I'm sorry.
I can't.

- Well, okay.
All right.

Good thing I didn't buy the--
buy the flight.

- Yeah.

- Okay, well,
I'll let you get back to work.

Love you, bean.

- Love you too.

- Vance, you're on deck.
Crowd is hot.

Everyone's crushing.
No presh.

Yo.
- Hey.

- Great set.
Crowd loved you.

- Thanks!
- Lesson learned for me.

I should start wearing
low-cut shirts

if I want to do that well.

Well, you don't have tits
like mine, so...

- Well, believe me.

I would do anything
for your tits.

- 'Sup, bro?
- Oh, don't tell me

that's bitch-ass Jack Junior
up in the house.

Thanks so much. Good night.

- All right.

Guys, keep it going
for Little Sammy, huh?

Let him hear it.
Come on! Yeah.

Don't let him around your kids,
but that is one funny fucker.

All right, guys, we have
a special headliner tonight.

Don't get too excited.
It's not Chappelle.

A lot of people say
she's a crazy woman,

but I'd never say that,

'cause I think the term
"crazy woman" is redundant.

You know?

It's like saying "free gift"
or "gay male flight attendant."

Right?

Anyway, she's got
an incredible set,

and I think she's gonna
tell some jokes too.

So you know who she is.
You love her.

Your great-aunt
really loves her.

Make it loud
for the OG female comedian,

Deborah Vance!

- Thank you.
Thank you.

That guy!
What a comic.

I'm getting déjà vu.

Where is he?
Drew, where are you?

Oh, there he is.

Hey, do you know
who George Carlin is?

- Hell yeah.

- You remind me

of a turd
he once left in a greenroom.

Tell me, when you take
an STD test,

does it just say "yes"?

- Ooh!
- Uh-oh, I think

she's got a crush on me!

- Oh, there aren't enough
roofies in the world.

A horse tranq couldn't get me
to give you a high five.

- I got a horse tranq guy
if you want to kick it later.

- Ooh!

- Mm, yeah.
Funny guy, funny guy.

So let me tell you all
what's going on here.

He's pretending
to flirt with me.

So I have two options.

I can, you know, shoot him down
and not play along,

but then I'm a bad sport
and not funny and a cold bitch,

et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.

And if I do that,
then it's awkward,

and it's gonna be hard
to win you back, right?

Or I do play along,

which, let's face it,
is easier,

and I'm sexualizing myself
on his terms--

that guy wearing
the pleather hoodie.

It's real.
It's real leather.

It's real.
- So then my whole set

becomes entirely
about a stranger

who I find disgusting.

God.

You know, no matter
how long you're away,

you come back, there's always
a Drew who's gonna

talk about your tits
when he brings you out onstage.

Death, taxes,
and this fucking guy.

I wasn't gonna do this.

I was gonna try out
some new stuff tonight.

I didn't want to be
the butt of the joke.

Because, quite frankly,

I'm exhausted from beating
everybody else to the punch,

but then you came up here
and did it for me.

Fuck you.
- Oh.

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Why do you do that?

I don't know your set,

but I am sure
that you have nothing to say

that hasn't already been said
on this stage a million times.

When will you just stop?

Seriously, what will it take
to make you just stop?

- 69 million.

Right?

- Yeah.
Man, he's clever.

Well, no,
I'm not gonna do that,

but how about...

1.69 million?

I'm not joking.

You're all my witnesses.

I will write this man a check

if he swears never to set foot
in a comedy club ever again.

You think he should
take the deal?

- Are you for real?
- Yes.

Unless, you know,
you think you're gonna

make more than that
from your comedy career.

I think he should take it.

- Take the money, bitch!
- Take it, bitch!

- All right.
- All right!

All right, Drew,
come on up here. Come on.

You guys are recording this,
right? Right?

I can't get rid of 'em all,
but I can get rid of one.

Okay, now,
my very, very good lawyers

are gonna draw this all up.

And we'll shake on it.
Okay?

I, Deborah Vance,
will give Drew $1.69 million

so long as he agrees to never
set foot on a stage ever again.

- Come on.

- Come on.

- Can I do a podcast?
- No.

And if you break the rules,
you pay me back double.

Do it.

- Whoa!

- Good for you, Drew.

Invest wisely, and you'll never
have to work again.

But if you do,
I'm sure you'll be

the third-funniest guy
in your office.

Now get the fuck off my stage.

Whoo!

Ugh, seriously.

- That was...incredible.

- No, it wasn't.

I was supposed to try
the new material tonight.

I blew it.
- Oh, my God.

Who gives a fuck
about the new material?

That was raw and honest.

You told the truth.
It was amazing.

- It did feel
really fucking good.

- Debbie.

- Kathy.

- Could we just talk
for just a few minutes, please?

- Ava, wait in the car.

- Holy shit.

Fuck, fuck, shit,
oh, my God, fuck, holy shit.

Fuck.

Shit.

How was that?

- Fine.
- Oh, great.

Watch out.
Watch out, watch out!

Watch out! Slow down!

- Jesus Christ!
- Damn it!

- Deborah!
- I knew she'd move.

Never forgive,
never forget, baby.

- Kayla?
- Oh, my God, sissy!

Oh, my God, I just had
a full conversation

with somebody who wasn't you.

So I had to FaceTime you.
Hello.

- Are you okay?
Do you need help?

Why are you calling me?
What--

- Oh, God.

Do you know the British show
"The Bitter End"?

- Yeah, it's so good.
Why?

- So the creators
are making a new show,

and I told them all about you

and your experience
in Las Vegas,

and they want to meet you,
girlfriend!

- Oh, my God!
What?

That's amazing!

Can you believe?
I'm like, okay,

I'm making things happen
for other people.

- Wait, wait,
you told them about me?

- I mean, Jimmy told me
to take more initiative,

so I sent them your stuff
and they loved it.

They're, like,
totally freaking out.

They want to meet you
before they go...

Across the pond again.

- Holy shit.

Yeah, so don't tell Jimmy,

but can you be in LA
Friday morning?

- Um...

Corrected & improved by
== Flatto (subscene.com) ==