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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,467 --> 00:00:35,727 [ DISCLAIMER] 2 00:00:35,733 --> 00:00:47,433 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:47,433 --> 00:00:49,703 >> Tosh: AT LEAST THE ROADSIDE 4 00:00:49,700 --> 00:00:51,700 MEMORIAL WILL HAD A SPLASH OF 5 00:00:51,700 --> 00:00:53,500 COLOR TO THE LONELY STRETCH OF 6 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:54,230 HIGHWAY. 7 00:00:54,233 --> 00:00:55,333 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 8 00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,073 WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR EXTRA 9 00:00:57,067 --> 00:00:57,627 HOUR? 10 00:00:57,633 --> 00:00:58,733 I DIDN'T SET MY CLOCKS BACK. 11 00:00:58,733 --> 00:01:01,073 I'M LIVING IN THE FUTURE. 12 00:01:01,067 --> 00:01:02,867 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TUTOR HIS 13 00:01:02,867 --> 00:01:04,397 TROUBLED TEEN, WE GET STRAIGHT 14 00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:10,970 TALK FROM THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL 15 00:01:10,967 --> 00:01:13,327 CANDIDATE TO BE ON THE SHOW AND 16 00:01:13,333 --> 00:01:15,303 MY FANS OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE 17 00:01:15,300 --> 00:01:17,100 CRITICISM FOR COMEDY CENTRAL. 18 00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:20,130 NOW I WONDER IF MY FANS EVER 19 00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:21,873 COMPLETED ANYTHING ON THE 20 00:01:21,867 --> 00:01:22,367 SKATEBOARD. 21 00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:23,667 THERE ARE WORSE WAY IT COULD 22 00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:24,467 HAVE ENDED. 23 00:01:24,467 --> 00:01:27,597 BEAUTIFUL DAY THOUGH. 24 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:29,670 NOW WHO'S GOING TO PICK UP HIS 25 00:01:29,667 --> 00:01:31,727 SHIFT AT THE MALL PIERCING 26 00:01:31,733 --> 00:01:32,273 KIOSK. 27 00:01:32,267 --> 00:01:34,427 ALL RIGHT, EVEN MICHELANGELO 28 00:01:34,433 --> 00:01:35,573 DIDN'T HAVE TO COVER THIS MUCH 29 00:01:35,567 --> 00:01:37,227 SPACE. 30 00:01:37,233 --> 00:01:39,173 THAT IS GONNA LOOK GREAT THROUGH 31 00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:40,427 THE WET T-SHIRT HE WEARS IN THE 32 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:47,333 POOL. 33 00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:48,633 NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE WEIGHT 34 00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:50,873 OF THE LORD. 35 00:01:50,867 --> 00:01:55,067 HE WAS OUT OF INK ANYWAY. 36 00:01:55,067 --> 00:01:56,597 NOTHING HONORS OUR LORD AND 37 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,270 SAVIOR MORE THAN USING HIS 38 00:01:59,267 --> 00:02:01,567 IMAGINE AS A DUDE'S TRAMP STAMP. 39 00:02:01,567 --> 00:02:03,567 NOW HERE'S A COUPLE GUYS THAT 40 00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:04,897 CAUGHT THEMSELVES SOME MAHI 41 00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:10,730 MAHI. 42 00:02:10,733 --> 00:02:12,933 NOW IT'S JUST MAHI. 43 00:02:12,933 --> 00:02:14,233 EIGHT HOURS OF DRINKING BEER ON 44 00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:16,073 A BOAT FOR NOTHING. 45 00:02:16,067 --> 00:02:18,167 THAT'S THE SAME WAY TANNEHILL 46 00:02:18,167 --> 00:02:19,227 HOLDS THE FOOTBALL. 47 00:02:19,233 --> 00:02:19,903 YOU NEED TWO HANDS. 48 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:21,670 HAVE YOU TO HAVE PRESENCE OF 49 00:02:21,667 --> 00:02:22,867 MIND TO FEEL THE POCKET 50 00:02:22,867 --> 00:02:26,067 COLLAPSING. 51 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,497 YOU HAD ONE JOB, PELICAN. 52 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:32,700 I THINK THE CHARTER COMPANY AND 53 00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:38,070 SEA LION ARE IN CAHOOTS. 54 00:02:38,067 --> 00:02:41,467 I LEARNED AT A YOUNG AGE SEA 55 00:02:41,467 --> 00:02:42,867 LIONS WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU 56 00:02:42,867 --> 00:02:43,327 LOVE. 57 00:02:43,333 --> 00:02:44,403 >> I LOVE THE SEA. 58 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,470 >> MOST CERTAINLY, DARLING. 59 00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,927 >> MOMMY, WHY ARE THERE POOR 60 00:02:49,933 --> 00:03:02,133 PEOPLE? 61 00:03:02,133 --> 00:03:03,233 >> GOOD-BYE MY SON. 62 00:03:03,233 --> 00:03:06,903 >> I WILL AVENGE YOUR DEATH, 63 00:03:06,900 --> 00:03:07,470 MOTHER. 64 00:03:07,467 --> 00:03:10,497 FROM THIS DAY FORTH I SHALL BE 65 00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:13,800 KNOWN SIMPLY AS SEALION MAN. 66 00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:15,070 >> I'M A SEAL. 67 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,297 >> SEAL MAN IT IS. 68 00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:20,230 >> Tosh: NOW WHENEVER THEY NEED 69 00:03:20,233 --> 00:03:22,733 ME COMMISSIONER GORDON FISHERMAN 70 00:03:22,733 --> 00:03:25,073 SHINES THIS INTO THE SKY. 71 00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:25,467 OKAY. 72 00:03:25,467 --> 00:03:27,927 CHECK OUT HIS FLIPPING BALL 73 00:03:27,933 --> 00:03:28,503 BUSTER. 74 00:03:28,500 --> 00:03:32,530 >> ALL RIGHT. 75 00:03:32,533 --> 00:03:33,773 >> Tosh: NICE TITS. 76 00:03:33,767 --> 00:03:37,767 THAT'S STILL ALL I NOTICED. 77 00:03:37,767 --> 00:03:40,867 AH, I KNEW IT WAS A BAD MOVE FOR 78 00:03:40,867 --> 00:03:44,567 TEXAS TO OUTLAW ABORTION. 79 00:03:44,567 --> 00:03:46,197 IN FIVE YEARS SHE'LL BE WEARING 80 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:47,330 HEELS AND IT WON'T BE FREE. 81 00:03:47,333 --> 00:03:49,733 DON'T PROMISE THE STUFFED ANIMAL 82 00:03:49,733 --> 00:03:52,133 IF YOU CAN'T DELIVER. 83 00:03:52,133 --> 00:03:55,703 JUST BE GLAD THE DIDN'T POMMEL 84 00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:59,900 HORSE YOUR PRIVATES. 85 00:03:59,900 --> 00:04:00,530 OKAY. 86 00:04:00,533 --> 00:04:04,073 DON'T DISMOUNT UNTIL I CLIMAX. 87 00:04:04,067 --> 00:04:06,467 HOPEFULLY I'LL GET TO REPRESENT 88 00:04:06,467 --> 00:04:08,567 OUR COUNTRY IN THE PAIN 89 00:04:08,567 --> 00:04:09,167 OLYMPICS. 90 00:04:09,167 --> 00:04:13,427 IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS 91 00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:15,103 WAIT UNTIL YOUR PARENTS LEAVE 92 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,730 AND TURN OFF SAFE SEARCH AND 93 00:04:17,733 --> 00:04:18,633 ENJOY. 94 00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:22,233 NOW HERE'S WHY YOU IMMEDIATE 95 00:04:22,233 --> 00:04:23,373 PERMISSION SLIPS FOR FIELD 96 00:04:23,367 --> 00:04:23,697 TRIPS. 97 00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,470 THEY LEARNED MORE IN TEN SECONDS 98 00:04:25,467 --> 00:04:27,367 THAN THEY WILL THE REST OF THEIR 99 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:27,927 LIVES. 100 00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:29,433 KIDS, IF YOU LIKE THE SHOW LET 101 00:04:29,433 --> 00:04:30,573 THE HAT KNOW. 102 00:04:30,567 --> 00:04:31,667 LET'S MOVE ON. 103 00:04:31,667 --> 00:04:33,667 KEEP HOLDING THE ROPE AND TRY 104 00:04:33,667 --> 00:04:36,127 NOT TO STEP ON USED CONDOMS. 105 00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:49,333 NEXT. 106 00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:51,503 >> Tosh: YEAH, CAN WE GET A 107 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:55,470 SECOND PERSON PREFERABLY ONE 108 00:04:55,467 --> 00:04:57,527 THAT CAN BREAK THE SPORT. 109 00:04:57,533 --> 00:05:00,503 NOW LET'S LEARN WHY SOME BLACK 110 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:01,930 BELTS ARE JUST THERE TO HOLD 111 00:05:01,933 --> 00:05:03,873 YOUR PANTS UP IN THIS WEEK'S 112 00:05:03,867 --> 00:05:04,497 BREAKDOWN. 113 00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:07,070 WELCOME TO SCOT LAND YOU 114 00:05:07,067 --> 00:05:07,667 [BLEEP]. 115 00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:08,967 AS THE REST OF THE WORD KNOWS IT 116 00:05:08,967 --> 00:05:10,797 IS ENGLAND'S TOILET. 117 00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:12,430 ONLY THING SCOTLAND'S GOOD FOR 118 00:05:12,433 --> 00:05:15,173 IS GUARDING YOUR FURNITURE 119 00:05:15,167 --> 00:05:16,627 AGAINST SPILLS. 120 00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:18,903 NO WONDER SHEEP RUN THE COUNTRY. 121 00:05:18,900 --> 00:05:21,170 ALWAYS BLAME THE HOLDER. 122 00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:23,227 WHAT A WASTE TO THE TRADITION OF 123 00:05:23,233 --> 00:05:23,733 SCOTLAND. 124 00:05:23,733 --> 00:05:26,273 IT'S SLUGGISH FROM ALL THE YUMMY 125 00:05:26,267 --> 00:05:28,627 HAGGIS HE HAD FOR BRUNCH. 126 00:05:28,633 --> 00:05:31,073 LOSE THE SHOES McNINJA. 127 00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,467 I DON'T REMEMBER BRUCE LEE 128 00:05:32,467 --> 00:05:33,467 WEARING PRO KEDS 129 00:05:33,467 --> 00:05:35,167 YOU CAN'T BREAK THE BOARD AT 130 00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:39,797 LEAST YOU CAN VIGOROUSLY BEAT 131 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,370 IT. 132 00:05:41,367 --> 00:05:43,097 HOPEFULLY YOU CAN SAVE YR 133 00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:45,900 DIGNITY IF IT'S INFESTED WITH 134 00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:46,370 TERMITES. 135 00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:47,767 WE HAVE TWO GUYS AND HIS SHOES 136 00:05:47,767 --> 00:05:48,367 ARE BACK ON. 137 00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:51,527 THERE'S NO WAY IT DOESN'T WORK. 138 00:05:51,533 --> 00:05:53,203 HIP-HIP HOORAY. 139 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,270 CONGRATULATIONS ON IN THE GIVING 140 00:05:54,267 --> 00:05:59,827 UP 500 TRIES AGO. 141 00:05:59,833 --> 00:06:02,733 HE MAY HAVE A SPLINTER IN HER 142 00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:03,173 EYEBALL. 143 00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:05,267 CUE THE BAGPIPE. 144 00:06:05,267 --> 00:06:06,827 CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, LITTLE 145 00:06:06,833 --> 00:06:07,303 GIRL. 146 00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,600 YOU WERE ALMOST AN ADULT THAT 147 00:06:09,600 --> 00:06:10,770 DOES KARATE. 148 00:06:10,767 --> 00:06:12,867 BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T HIT THE LOCH 149 00:06:12,867 --> 00:06:15,497 NESS MONSTER BECAUSE I'M SURE IT 150 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,400 CAN TEAR YOU IN HALF LIKE A 151 00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:18,600 PHONE BOOK. 152 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:20,870 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 153 00:06:20,867 --> 00:06:22,167 HERE'S WHY THEY CALL IT A BOX 154 00:06:22,167 --> 00:06:24,727 CAR. 155 00:06:24,733 --> 00:06:30,333 >> I'M TRYING. 156 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:38,430 >> IF YOU WOULD JUST GET UP 157 00:06:38,433 --> 00:06:41,303 INSTEAD OF HAND THEM A PACKET 158 00:06:41,300 --> 00:06:42,470 THIS KID LAUGH. 159 00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:44,067 THEY NEED TO LEARN FACE TO FACE. 160 00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:45,527 YOU WANT KIDS TO COME INTO YOUR 161 00:06:45,533 --> 00:06:46,533 CLASS YOU WANT THEM TO GET 162 00:06:46,533 --> 00:06:48,333 EXCITED FOR THIS, YOU HAVE TO 163 00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:49,903 COME IN HERE AND MAKE THEM 164 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:50,470 EXCITED. 165 00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:51,567 YOU WANT A KID TO CHANGE AND 166 00:06:51,567 --> 00:06:54,297 START DOING BETTER YOU HAVE TO 167 00:06:54,300 --> 00:06:55,800 TOUCH HIS TRYING TO HEART. 168 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:58,830 YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGE 169 00:06:58,833 --> 00:07:00,103 BY JUST TELLING HIM. 170 00:07:00,100 --> 00:07:01,870 I'M JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION. 171 00:07:01,867 --> 00:07:04,067 SINCE I GOT HERE I'VE BEEN 172 00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,297 NOTHING BUT READING PACKETS. 173 00:07:06,300 --> 00:07:08,170 SO DON'T TRY TO TAKE CREDIBILITY 174 00:07:08,167 --> 00:07:09,627 FOR TEACHING ME JACK. 175 00:07:09,633 --> 00:07:10,903 >> Tosh: WILL SOMEBODY START 176 00:07:10,900 --> 00:07:14,330 SHOOTING ALREADY. 177 00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:16,073 THAT SCHOLAR WITH THE SPLIT ENDS 178 00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,797 IS JEFF AND WHEN HE'S NOT 179 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,070 CLOGGING DRAINS WITH THE HORSE 180 00:07:19,067 --> 00:07:21,227 TAIL HE'S LEADING A ONE-ROOM 181 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:23,903 REVOLUTION AGAINST UNINSPIRING 182 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:24,670 TEACHERS. 183 00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:25,967 HIGH SCHOOL IS LIKE GLEE, TONS 184 00:07:25,967 --> 00:07:27,927 OF KIDS DYING OF DRUG OVERDOSES. 185 00:07:27,933 --> 00:07:29,073 MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT SCHOOL 186 00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:31,097 IS HOOKING UP WITH GIRLS AFTER 187 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:34,300 THEIR FIRST PERIOD OR THEIR 188 00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:35,570 HOMEROOM, WHENEVER. 189 00:07:35,567 --> 00:07:37,367 BUT LET'S STOP CALLING IT 190 00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:38,067 SCHOOL. 191 00:07:38,067 --> 00:07:40,367 THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVE IN ASIA. 192 00:07:40,367 --> 00:07:44,827 WHAT WE HAVE IS DAYCARE. 193 00:07:44,833 --> 00:07:46,803 PEOPLE SAY IT'S A THANKLESS JOB 194 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,830 BUT YOU GET SUMMERS OFF SO EAT 195 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:52,233 YOUR FREE APPLE AND SHUT THE 196 00:07:52,233 --> 00:07:52,933 HELL UP. 197 00:07:52,933 --> 00:07:55,503 THE ONLY TEACHER THAT DESERVES 198 00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,300 CREDIT IS A SPECIAL ED TEACHER 199 00:07:57,300 --> 00:07:59,070 THEY CONSTANTLY CAN GET 200 00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:02,097 ASSAULTED BY A 22-YEAR-OLD. 201 00:08:02,100 --> 00:08:03,930 JUST GOOGLE, COPY, PASTE, FIX 202 00:08:03,933 --> 00:08:06,533 THE MARGINS, THE END. 203 00:08:06,533 --> 00:08:09,403 NO ONE OF CARES ABOUT YOUR GPA. 204 00:08:09,400 --> 00:08:11,230 THE ONLY NUMBER THAT MATTERS IS 205 00:08:11,233 --> 00:08:11,933 NET WORTH. 206 00:08:11,933 --> 00:08:14,873 I WENT TO UCF. 207 00:08:14,867 --> 00:08:20,367 MY HEAD WRITER WENT TO HARVARD. 208 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:22,397 GUESS WHO TELLS WHO WHAT THE 209 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:23,230 [BLEEP] TO DO. 210 00:08:23,233 --> 00:08:26,703 HOW COME WE DON'T MAKE THE 211 00:08:26,700 --> 00:08:28,230 TEACHERS MOVE DURING CLASSES 212 00:08:28,233 --> 00:08:30,073 THAT WAY WE ONLY HAVE TEN PEOPLE 213 00:08:30,067 --> 00:08:33,427 MOVING INSTEAD OF 700 ZIT-FACED 214 00:08:33,433 --> 00:08:34,503 JUNKIES EVERY HOUR. 215 00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:38,300 JUST BRAIN STORMING. 216 00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:41,200 ALL RAPUNZEL WANT TO DO IS 217 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,430 REFORM AND I FLEW HIM TO 218 00:08:42,433 --> 00:08:43,603 CALIFORNIA WHERE THE TEACHERS 219 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:46,600 ARE THE HIGHEST PAID IN THE 220 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:47,930 NATION BUT THE STUDENTS RANK 221 00:08:47,933 --> 00:08:51,273 48th IN MATH AND 49th IN READING 222 00:08:51,267 --> 00:08:53,597 FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 223 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:56,470 RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE 224 00:08:56,467 --> 00:08:58,327 GLORY, GLORY. 225 00:08:58,333 --> 00:09:01,333 RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE 226 00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,533 GLORY, GLORY CHILDREN OF THE 227 00:09:02,533 --> 00:09:04,373 LORD. 228 00:09:04,367 --> 00:09:06,897 THE LORD SAID TO NOAH THERE'S 229 00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:10,230 GONNA BE A FLOOD. 230 00:09:10,233 --> 00:09:13,733 THERE'S GONNA BE A FLOOD. 231 00:09:13,733 --> 00:09:16,073 GET THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE 232 00:09:16,067 --> 00:09:17,497 MUDDY CHILDREN OF THE LORD. 233 00:09:17,500 --> 00:09:18,830 >> I'M UP. 234 00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,103 >> Tosh: TIME TO LEARN. 235 00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:24,570 SO GLAD THE COURT LET ME ADOPT 236 00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:26,797 YOU FOR ONE DAY SO I CAN HOME 237 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,600 SCHOOL YOU. 238 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,400 THAT CONCLUDES THE SPANISH 239 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:30,070 LESSON. 240 00:09:30,067 --> 00:09:31,797 SURE THAT WAS NICER THAN IT 241 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:32,500 SOUNDED. 242 00:09:32,500 --> 00:09:35,730 NORMALLY THIS IS WHEN I WOULD 243 00:09:35,733 --> 00:09:37,473 INTERVIEW YOU BUT I'M BURNED OUT 244 00:09:37,467 --> 00:09:40,897 SO I PREPARED A PACKET OF 245 00:09:40,900 --> 00:09:43,270 QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK YOU. 246 00:09:43,267 --> 00:09:44,867 >> QUESTION ONE, DO I HAVE SO 247 00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:47,227 TELL MY PARTNER IF THERE'S BLOOD 248 00:09:47,233 --> 00:09:50,733 IN ANY SEMEN. 249 00:09:50,733 --> 00:09:52,073 >> Tosh: WRONG QUESTION. 250 00:09:52,067 --> 00:09:53,297 I'D APPRECIATE IF YOU RESPECT 251 00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:54,100 ANY PRIVACY. 252 00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:55,170 WHERE YOU FROM? 253 00:09:55,167 --> 00:09:56,797 >> DALLAS. 254 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:57,230 >> 255 00:09:57,233 --> 00:09:58,603 >> Tosh: YOU LIKE IT? 256 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,170 >> YES, NO. 257 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,427 >> Tosh: WALK US WHAT HAPPENED 258 00:10:03,433 --> 00:10:03,733 S&P 259 00:10:03,733 --> 00:10:05,273 >> WE DIDN'T GET THE SAME AMOUNT 260 00:10:05,267 --> 00:10:07,767 OF TIME AND TOLD THEM TO QUICK 261 00:10:07,767 --> 00:10:11,127 BITCHING SO I WENT OFF. 262 00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:13,173 >> Tosh: YOU WERE FINISHING A 263 00:10:13,167 --> 00:10:14,627 TEST YOU STARTED THE DAY BEFORE. 264 00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:16,273 YOU SO START A TEST, GO HOME, 265 00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:17,527 CHEAT LIKE CRAZY AND COME BACK 266 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,373 AND FINISH. 267 00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:22,597 >> IF YOU WANTED TO I GUESS. 268 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,830 >> Tosh: THIS TEACHER HAS TONS 269 00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,633 OF FLAWS. 270 00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:33,103 DO YOU HOW MUCH TEACHERS MAKE? 271 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,270 >> NO. 272 00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,467 >> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT 273 00:10:37,467 --> 00:10:38,427 TAKING CREDIBILITY. 274 00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:40,073 IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CREDIT. 275 00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,997 IT WAS ALMOST A PERFECT SPEECH. 276 00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,030 WHY DO YOU POINT SO MUCH WHEN 277 00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,073 YOU'RE TALKING? 278 00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,127 >> SHOW AUTHORITY. 279 00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,403 >> Tosh: WHAT'S SUBJECT WAS 280 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:47,800 THAT? 281 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,700 >> WORLD HISTORY. 282 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,870 >> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR BEST 283 00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:50,397 SUBJECT? 284 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,330 >> WORLD HISTORY. 285 00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:53,073 >> Tosh: REALLY? 286 00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:55,227 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PERIOD OF 287 00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:57,103 HISTORY TO STUDY? 288 00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:57,870 >> PRESENT. 289 00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:00,767 WHAT'S GOING ON NOW. 290 00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:02,167 >> Tosh: DOESN'T SEEM LIKE 291 00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,767 THAT'S HISTORY. 292 00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,427 >> IT'S THE PRESENT. 293 00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,873 IT'S HISTORY NOW. 294 00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:12,067 >> Tosh: DON'T PULL SHENANIGANS 295 00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,067 WITH ME. 296 00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:14,167 DO YOU SMOKE WEED? 297 00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:15,167 >> NO. 298 00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:15,967 >> Tosh: EVER? 299 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:16,467 >> NO. 300 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:17,327 >> Tosh: THAT'S A LIE. 301 00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:19,303 WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE MEMBER OF 302 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:20,200 THE BAND NELSON. 303 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,600 >> YOU LOST ME THERE. 304 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,930 >> Tosh: OH. 305 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,073 YOU'L LOVE THEM. 306 00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:25,867 DO YOU THINK YOU'LL GRADUATE ON 307 00:11:25,867 --> 00:11:26,297 TIME? 308 00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:27,930 >> I'M ALREADY BEHIND. 309 00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:28,803 >> Tosh: HOW FAR? 310 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:29,700 >> A YEAR. 311 00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:32,800 >> Tosh: DID YOU SKIP, QUIT? 312 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:33,470 >> LEFT. 313 00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:35,067 >> Tosh: THAT WORKED WELL FOR 314 00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:35,697 PEOPLE. 315 00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,330 FORGET ABOUT THE CHITCHAT I 316 00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:39,473 FOUND A WAY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART 317 00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:43,427 YOU CAN'T LEARN HISTORY FROM A 318 00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:43,973 BOOK. 319 00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:44,767 HAVE YOU TO EXPERIENCE. 320 00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,397 >> WHAT IS THAT? 321 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,570 >> Tosh: A PHONE BOOK. 322 00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:50,767 PEOPLE USED THESE DISGUSTING 323 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,297 THINGS BEFORE CELL PHONES. 324 00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,900 THIS IS FROM BILL AND TED'S 325 00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,300 BOGUS JOURNEY. 326 00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,300 NOW PUT THOSE ON. 327 00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,870 >> I'M DANIEL TOSH LOGAN AND 328 00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:20,497 WE'RE ABOUT TO LEARN HISTORY. 329 00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,970 NOW WE CAN NEVER GO BACK TO 330 00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:24,467 EQUINOX. 331 00:12:24,467 --> 00:12:25,867 REAL FUNNY LOCK EVERYBODY IN THE 332 00:12:25,867 --> 00:12:26,797 CELLAR, HITLER. 333 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,700 >> CAN I GO HOME NOW? 334 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,100 >> SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP, CARL. 335 00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,830 YOU CAN'T TAKE A WHIMP LIKE YOU 336 00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:36,203 BULLYING ME FROM SIXTH GRADE 337 00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,170 I OWE YOU WON. 338 00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,197 KNOCK IT OFF. 339 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,600 JEFF, WE'VE BEEN TRAVELLING 340 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:41,470 THROUGH TIME ALL DAY. 341 00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:44,467 TELL US WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED. 342 00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:46,427 >> CARL, YOU WERE DANIEL'S 343 00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,433 CHILDHOOD BULLY. 344 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,933 MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A SECOND 345 00:12:48,933 --> 00:12:50,173 TO ANALYZE WHAT'S REALLY GOING 346 00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,497 ON WHEN YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE. 347 00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:59,170 AND THE EL CAMINO IS NO CAR FOR 348 00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:01,527 A GUY AND YOU LOOK GREAT FOR A 349 00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:04,573 WOMAN THAT BIRTHED THE PLANET. 350 00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:07,327 WE ALL HAVE PROBLEM AREAS. 351 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:09,703 BEAUTY IS IMPERFECTION. 352 00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,170 >> SOMETHING'S IN MY THROAT. 353 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,697 >> HITLER, WHY DO I EVEN BEGIN? 354 00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,230 YOU'RE GOING TO BE KNOWN THAT'S 355 00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,833 BIGGEST PRICK IN THE HISTORY OF 356 00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:18,603 THE WORLD. 357 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,600 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? 358 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:25,070 MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND 359 00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,367 HAVE SOME CONVERSATIONS WITH 360 00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:27,697 SOME JEWS. 361 00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:29,070 HONESTLY THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD. 362 00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,727 SOME ARE COOL AND TELL ME DON'T 363 00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:34,373 FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IN A PAIR 364 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:36,067 OF KHAKI SHORTS. 365 00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:36,797 AND MICHAEL JACKSON YOU'LL BE 366 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,200 THE KING OF POP ONE DAY. 367 00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,600 BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE YOU'LL 368 00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,770 HAVE FUN BEING A KID. 369 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,527 >> Tosh: YOU GET AN A. 370 00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,703 NOW TAKE EVERYBODY BACK. 371 00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:56,070 BYE. 372 00:13:56,067 --> 00:14:00,127 I KEEPING APPLES. 373 00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:05,533 MISS YOU THE MOST, BUDDY. 374 00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:07,403 NOT SO FAST, JACKAL YOU'RE 375 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,370 BETTER OFF HERE. 376 00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:12,297 >> WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHER? 377 00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:16,430 >> Tosh: AND YOU STAY I'LL CALL 378 00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:17,403 YOU MONKEY. 379 00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:23,400 STAY EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER. 380 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:23,870 OKAY. 381 00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:25,527 NOW SING ME MAN IN THE MIRROR OR 382 00:14:25,533 --> 00:14:27,103 YOU'RE SLEEPING IN THE SHED. 383 00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,470 >> I DON'T KNOW THAT SONG. 384 00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:29,767 >> Tosh: OH, THAT'S RIGHT. 385 00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:30,967 HE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME 386 00:14:30,967 --> 00:14:33,067 FALLING ASLEEP LATER SO I GAVE 387 00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:34,267 HIM A LITTLE PROPOFOL. 388 00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:35,697 THAT'S SAFE, RIGHT? 389 00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:36,930 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 390 00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:38,603 WITH THE HOLIDAYS AROUND THE 391 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,100 CORNER I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A 392 00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,500 GOOD TIME TO BRING BACK JULIE TO 393 00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,930 TEACH US ALL HOW TO PARTY LAUGH. 394 00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:47,673 >> I'M JULIE AND I'M GOING TO 395 00:14:47,667 --> 00:15:08,527 DEMONSTRATE PARTY LAUGHTER. 396 00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:21,703 OOH. 397 00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:27,800 >> THANK YOU. 398 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,430 >> MY NAME IS PATTI. 399 00:15:29,433 --> 00:15:31,303 I'M A NO-PARTY INDEPENDENT FOR 400 00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:32,770 THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED 401 00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:33,197 STATES. 402 00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,330 FOR 18 MONTHS I'VE BEEN A VICTIM 403 00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:39,633 THAT LISTENS TO MY PRIVATE 404 00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:40,273 THOUGHTS. 405 00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:44,497 AT THIS TIME MY COMMUNICATORS 406 00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,070 WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK OF THE 407 00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:48,267 SCIENCE. 408 00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:49,127 ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A 409 00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:50,273 CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA 410 00:15:50,267 --> 00:16:08,627 [ GIBBERISH ] 411 00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:10,933 >> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE YOU LADIES 412 00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:12,433 WILL FINALLY GET SOMEONE IN THE 413 00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:13,203 WHITE HOUSE. 414 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,830 RARELY DOES A PRESIDENTIAL 415 00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:16,603 CANDIDATE SPEAK TO MY INTERESTS 416 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,570 THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BE MORE 417 00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,467 HONORED TO HAVE HER AS MY GUEST 418 00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:20,097 TONIGHT. 419 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:23,170 LET'S GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS 420 00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,097 AND HELP ME WELCOME TAMMI. 421 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,530 >> HI, DANIELLE. 422 00:16:27,533 --> 00:16:28,673 THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO 423 00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:29,867 TALK ON YOUR SHOW TODAY. 424 00:16:29,867 --> 00:16:31,167 ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A 425 00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:33,167 CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA 426 00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:34,327 >> I'M DOING OKAY. 427 00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:37,333 THIS IS MY FIRST FORMAL 428 00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:39,673 INTERVIEW SINCE I ENTERED THE 429 00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:42,127 FIELD OF POLITICS APPROXIMATELY 430 00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:42,703 40 MONTHS AGO. 431 00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:43,900 ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A 432 00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,830 CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA 433 00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:50,773 >> I'M A PERSON THAT DOES NOT 434 00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:54,867 MARRIED JUST SINGLE. 435 00:16:54,867 --> 00:16:57,097 [ GIBBERISH ] 436 00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:57,800 . 437 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,570 >> EINSTEIN IS SIMILAR TO MYSELF 438 00:17:00,567 --> 00:17:03,397 IN THAT I NEVER SPOKE IN THE AGE 439 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,470 OF THREE. 440 00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:05,697 YOU UNDERSTAND THE SCIENCE IS 441 00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,400 ABLE TO MOVE YOUR BODY, DRIVE 442 00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,430 YOU, WALK YOU AND SPEAK YOU. 443 00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:14,603 [ GIBBERISH ] 444 00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,700 >> IT'S STRONG COMING DOWN FROM 445 00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,100 THE SKY YOU CAN BREAK A LEG. 446 00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,870 I HAVE A SEVERED HAND FROM 447 00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,397 ENERGY FROM USING MY PC FOR SIX 448 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:30,930 HOURS. 449 00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:45,973 [ GIBBERISH ] 450 00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:48,167 >> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, DANIEL. 451 00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:48,897 GOOD-BYE. 452 00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:52,870 >> Tosh: GOOD-BYE. 453 00:17:52,867 --> 00:17:54,827 I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESUMPTUOUS 454 00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:57,233 BUT I THINK SHE'S GOING TO GET 455 00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:59,673 EATEN ALIVE AT THE IOWA CAUCUS. 456 00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:02,497 NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF 457 00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:03,200 THE WEEK. 458 00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:09,630 >> YOU WANT TO COME BACK DOWN? 459 00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:11,803 YOU WANT TO COME RIGHT NOW? 460 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,770 >> Tosh: THAT WAS JUST GOING TO 461 00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,497 BE A VINE OF HIM PEEING BUT 462 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,630 LUCKILY SOMETHING MORE HAPPENED. 463 00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:18,733 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 464 00:18:18,733 --> 00:18:19,873 THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WILL 465 00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:21,327 CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE, 466 00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:22,733 LOSING A BABY AND STILTS. 467 00:18:32,867 --> 00:18:33,927 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 468 00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:34,873 EVERYONE KNOWS WE'RE A 469 00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:37,167 FOURTH-QUARTER SHOW. 470 00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:40,427 NEXT WEEK, WE MEET THE BRAINS 471 00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:42,633 BEHIND THIS SECURITY INNOVATION. 472 00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:44,303 >> IN THIS VIDEO, HAVE YOU A 473 00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,800 STRANGER, A RAPIST COMING TO THE 474 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:47,300 DOOR. 475 00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,130 A WIFE IS AT HOME BY HERSELF. 476 00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:52,433 SHE GOES AND SHE PRESSES THE 477 00:18:52,433 --> 00:18:53,603 SECURITY OFFICER. 478 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,400 >> WHOEVER THE VIDEO IS I'M 479 00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:55,970 ASLEEP. 480 00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:57,327 COME BACK LATER. 481 00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:58,603 >> LET THEM KNOW I'M SLEEPING. 482 00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,100 COME BACK LATER. 483 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,670 >> AND HE RE TREATS. 484 00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:04,367 >> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE THEY 485 00:19:04,367 --> 00:19:05,567 HARNESSED THE HOME ALONE 486 00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:06,267 TECHNOLOGY. 487 00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,727 I DON'T WANT TO SOUND NEEDY BUT 488 00:19:07,733 --> 00:19:12,073 FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND CHECK 489 00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,427 OUT OUR BLOG NOW OPEN NIGHTS AND 490 00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:15,973 WEEKEND AND COME RIGHT TO ME 491 00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:18,227 RIGHT TO MY FACE AND 492 00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:19,873 CONGRATULATIONS TO WACO AND 493 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,667 ROBBER FOR NOT GETTING 494 00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:25,697 BRICKLEBERRY C 495 00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,770 BRICKLEBERRY CANCELLED. 496 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,527 AND IT'S COME TO ME COMEDY 497 00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:36,133 CENTRAL AS A YELP PAGE. 498 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:40,103 YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LIBERAL 499 00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:40,930 [BLEEP]S. 500 00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:42,503 COMEDY CENTRAL. 501 00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,970 CENTRAL TO WHAT, MY BALLS? 502 00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:47,527 I'M A NOTED YELPER. 503 00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:51,673 THE CC HAS LOST ITS LUSTER. 504 00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:53,697 NOTED, YELPER, NOTED. 505 00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:56,970 BEST GAY BAR IN TOWN. 506 00:19:56,967 --> 00:19:57,497 AGREED. 507 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,570 GRAVITY WAS BORING AS HELL. 508 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,327 TITTIES. 509 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,573 BRING BACK SECRET GIRLFRIEND YOU 510 00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,127 COWARDS. 511 00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:04,873 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT 512 00:20:04,867 --> 00:20:06,297 WAS THE WORSE SHOW THAT'S EVER 513 00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:09,170 BEEN ON THE NETWORK WHOEVER SAID 514 00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,167 YET YES SHOULD BE STONED TO 515 00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,597 DEATH TO THE EIGHT PEOPLE THAT 516 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:13,700 WATCHED IT. 517 00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:15,600 TOO MANY PIXILATED PRIVATES. 518 00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:20,500 IF IT'S KNOWN AS THE CENTRAL 519 00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,070 PLACE FOR COMEDY THEY SHOULD 520 00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:22,867 FULL ON DONG. 521 00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,397 I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS. 522 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,430 LET'S SEE SOME DONG. 523 00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,073 OVERALL GOT NETWORK BUT 524 00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,827 SERIOUSLY THE BEN SHOW? 525 00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:30,973 REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT 526 00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:31,897 SECRET GIRLFRIEND? 527 00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:36,370 I'M SORRY. 528 00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:38,927 I FORGOT ABOUT THAT 30-MINUTE 529 00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:41,673 LONG TURD 530 00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:44,767 THEY WERE OUT OF CHEESE PIZZA. 531 00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:47,467 NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH BEVERLY 532 00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:49,597 HILLS COP ANY MORE. 533 00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:59,400 EDDIE MURPHY IS NOT THAT FUNNY. 534 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,300 #GIBBERISH. 535 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,470 I RECOMMEND YOU SIGN ON. 536 00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:05,297 A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER? 537 00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:06,830 I'M SURE HIS HOURLY RATE TAINT 538 00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:07,533 CHEAP. 539 00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:07,873 GOOD NIGHT. 540 00:21:15,933 --> 00:21:17,733 >> Tosh: THAT'S THE COOL THING 541 00:21:17,733 --> 00:21:21,403 ABOUT DROPPING OUT OF HIGH 542 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,070 SCHOOL AND COMING BACK YOU CAN 543 00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:23,927 GROW FACIAL HAIR. 544 00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:25,433 >> YOU CAN HAVE A MUSTACHE BUT 545 00:21:25,433 --> 00:21:26,903 NOT A GOATEE. 34138

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