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[ DISCLAIMER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: AT LEAST THE ROADSIDE
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MEMORIAL WILL HAD A SPLASH OF
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COLOR TO THE LONELY STRETCH OF
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HIGHWAY.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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WHAT DID YOU DO WITH YOUR EXTRA
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HOUR?
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I DIDN'T SET MY CLOCKS BACK.
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I'M LIVING IN THE FUTURE.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I TUTOR HIS
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TROUBLED TEEN, WE GET STRAIGHT
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TALK FROM THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL
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CANDIDATE TO BE ON THE SHOW AND
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MY FANS OFFER CONSTRUCTIVE
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CRITICISM FOR COMEDY CENTRAL.
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NOW I WONDER IF MY FANS EVER
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COMPLETED ANYTHING ON THE
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SKATEBOARD.
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THERE ARE WORSE WAY IT COULD
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HAVE ENDED.
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BEAUTIFUL DAY THOUGH.
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NOW WHO'S GOING TO PICK UP HIS
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SHIFT AT THE MALL PIERCING
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KIOSK.
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ALL RIGHT, EVEN MICHELANGELO
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DIDN'T HAVE TO COVER THIS MUCH
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SPACE.
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THAT IS GONNA LOOK GREAT THROUGH
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THE WET T-SHIRT HE WEARS IN THE
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POOL.
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NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE WEIGHT
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OF THE LORD.
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HE WAS OUT OF INK ANYWAY.
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NOTHING HONORS OUR LORD AND
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SAVIOR MORE THAN USING HIS
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IMAGINE AS A DUDE'S TRAMP STAMP.
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NOW HERE'S A COUPLE GUYS THAT
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CAUGHT THEMSELVES SOME MAHI
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MAHI.
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NOW IT'S JUST MAHI.
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EIGHT HOURS OF DRINKING BEER ON
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A BOAT FOR NOTHING.
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THAT'S THE SAME WAY TANNEHILL
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HOLDS THE FOOTBALL.
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YOU NEED TWO HANDS.
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HAVE YOU TO HAVE PRESENCE OF
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MIND TO FEEL THE POCKET
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COLLAPSING.
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YOU HAD ONE JOB, PELICAN.
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I THINK THE CHARTER COMPANY AND
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SEA LION ARE IN CAHOOTS.
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I LEARNED AT A YOUNG AGE SEA
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LIONS WILL TAKE EVERYTHING YOU
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LOVE.
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>> I LOVE THE SEA.
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>> MOST CERTAINLY, DARLING.
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>> MOMMY, WHY ARE THERE POOR
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PEOPLE?
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>> GOOD-BYE MY SON.
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>> I WILL AVENGE YOUR DEATH,
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MOTHER.
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FROM THIS DAY FORTH I SHALL BE
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KNOWN SIMPLY AS SEALION MAN.
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>> I'M A SEAL.
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>> SEAL MAN IT IS.
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>> Tosh: NOW WHENEVER THEY NEED
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ME COMMISSIONER GORDON FISHERMAN
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SHINES THIS INTO THE SKY.
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OKAY.
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CHECK OUT HIS FLIPPING BALL
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BUSTER.
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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>> Tosh: NICE TITS.
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THAT'S STILL ALL I NOTICED.
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AH, I KNEW IT WAS A BAD MOVE FOR
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TEXAS TO OUTLAW ABORTION.
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IN FIVE YEARS SHE'LL BE WEARING
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HEELS AND IT WON'T BE FREE.
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DON'T PROMISE THE STUFFED ANIMAL
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IF YOU CAN'T DELIVER.
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JUST BE GLAD THE DIDN'T POMMEL
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HORSE YOUR PRIVATES.
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OKAY.
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DON'T DISMOUNT UNTIL I CLIMAX.
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HOPEFULLY I'LL GET TO REPRESENT
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OUR COUNTRY IN THE PAIN
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OLYMPICS.
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IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS
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WAIT UNTIL YOUR PARENTS LEAVE
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AND TURN OFF SAFE SEARCH AND
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ENJOY.
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NOW HERE'S WHY YOU IMMEDIATE
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PERMISSION SLIPS FOR FIELD
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TRIPS.
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THEY LEARNED MORE IN TEN SECONDS
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THAN THEY WILL THE REST OF THEIR
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LIVES.
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KIDS, IF YOU LIKE THE SHOW LET
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THE HAT KNOW.
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LET'S MOVE ON.
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KEEP HOLDING THE ROPE AND TRY
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NOT TO STEP ON USED CONDOMS.
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NEXT.
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>> Tosh: YEAH, CAN WE GET A
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SECOND PERSON PREFERABLY ONE
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THAT CAN BREAK THE SPORT.
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NOW LET'S LEARN WHY SOME BLACK
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BELTS ARE JUST THERE TO HOLD
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YOUR PANTS UP IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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WELCOME TO SCOT LAND YOU
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[BLEEP].
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AS THE REST OF THE WORD KNOWS IT
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IS ENGLAND'S TOILET.
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ONLY THING SCOTLAND'S GOOD FOR
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IS GUARDING YOUR FURNITURE
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AGAINST SPILLS.
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NO WONDER SHEEP RUN THE COUNTRY.
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ALWAYS BLAME THE HOLDER.
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WHAT A WASTE TO THE TRADITION OF
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SCOTLAND.
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IT'S SLUGGISH FROM ALL THE YUMMY
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HAGGIS HE HAD FOR BRUNCH.
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LOSE THE SHOES McNINJA.
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I DON'T REMEMBER BRUCE LEE
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WEARING PRO KEDS
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YOU CAN'T BREAK THE BOARD AT
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LEAST YOU CAN VIGOROUSLY BEAT
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IT.
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HOPEFULLY YOU CAN SAVE YR
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DIGNITY IF IT'S INFESTED WITH
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TERMITES.
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WE HAVE TWO GUYS AND HIS SHOES
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ARE BACK ON.
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THERE'S NO WAY IT DOESN'T WORK.
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HIP-HIP HOORAY.
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CONGRATULATIONS ON IN THE GIVING
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UP 500 TRIES AGO.
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HE MAY HAVE A SPLINTER IN HER
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EYEBALL.
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CUE THE BAGPIPE.
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CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY, LITTLE
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GIRL.
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YOU WERE ALMOST AN ADULT THAT
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DOES KARATE.
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BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T HIT THE LOCH
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NESS MONSTER BECAUSE I'M SURE IT
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CAN TEAR YOU IN HALF LIKE A
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PHONE BOOK.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
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HERE'S WHY THEY CALL IT A BOX
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CAR.
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>> I'M TRYING.
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>> IF YOU WOULD JUST GET UP
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INSTEAD OF HAND THEM A PACKET
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THIS KID LAUGH.
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THEY NEED TO LEARN FACE TO FACE.
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YOU WANT KIDS TO COME INTO YOUR
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CLASS YOU WANT THEM TO GET
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EXCITED FOR THIS, YOU HAVE TO
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COME IN HERE AND MAKE THEM
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EXCITED.
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YOU WANT A KID TO CHANGE AND
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START DOING BETTER YOU HAVE TO
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TOUCH HIS TRYING TO HEART.
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YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGE
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BY JUST TELLING HIM.
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I'M JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.
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SINCE I GOT HERE I'VE BEEN
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NOTHING BUT READING PACKETS.
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SO DON'T TRY TO TAKE CREDIBILITY
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FOR TEACHING ME JACK.
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>> Tosh: WILL SOMEBODY START
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SHOOTING ALREADY.
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THAT SCHOLAR WITH THE SPLIT ENDS
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IS JEFF AND WHEN HE'S NOT
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CLOGGING DRAINS WITH THE HORSE
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TAIL HE'S LEADING A ONE-ROOM
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REVOLUTION AGAINST UNINSPIRING
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TEACHERS.
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HIGH SCHOOL IS LIKE GLEE, TONS
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OF KIDS DYING OF DRUG OVERDOSES.
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MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT SCHOOL
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IS HOOKING UP WITH GIRLS AFTER
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THEIR FIRST PERIOD OR THEIR
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HOMEROOM, WHENEVER.
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BUT LET'S STOP CALLING IT
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SCHOOL.
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THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVE IN ASIA.
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WHAT WE HAVE IS DAYCARE.
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PEOPLE SAY IT'S A THANKLESS JOB
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BUT YOU GET SUMMERS OFF SO EAT
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YOUR FREE APPLE AND SHUT THE
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HELL UP.
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THE ONLY TEACHER THAT DESERVES
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CREDIT IS A SPECIAL ED TEACHER
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THEY CONSTANTLY CAN GET
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ASSAULTED BY A 22-YEAR-OLD.
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JUST GOOGLE, COPY, PASTE, FIX
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THE MARGINS, THE END.
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NO ONE OF CARES ABOUT YOUR GPA.
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THE ONLY NUMBER THAT MATTERS IS
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NET WORTH.
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I WENT TO UCF.
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MY HEAD WRITER WENT TO HARVARD.
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GUESS WHO TELLS WHO WHAT THE
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[BLEEP] TO DO.
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HOW COME WE DON'T MAKE THE
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TEACHERS MOVE DURING CLASSES
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THAT WAY WE ONLY HAVE TEN PEOPLE
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MOVING INSTEAD OF 700 ZIT-FACED
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JUNKIES EVERY HOUR.
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JUST BRAIN STORMING.
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ALL RAPUNZEL WANT TO DO IS
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REFORM AND I FLEW HIM TO
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CALIFORNIA WHERE THE TEACHERS
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ARE THE HIGHEST PAID IN THE
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NATION BUT THE STUDENTS RANK
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48th IN MATH AND 49th IN READING
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FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE
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GLORY, GLORY.
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RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE
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GLORY, GLORY CHILDREN OF THE
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LORD.
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THE LORD SAID TO NOAH THERE'S
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GONNA BE A FLOOD.
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THERE'S GONNA BE A FLOOD.
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GET THE CHILDREN OUT OF THE
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MUDDY CHILDREN OF THE LORD.
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>> I'M UP.
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>> Tosh: TIME TO LEARN.
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SO GLAD THE COURT LET ME ADOPT
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YOU FOR ONE DAY SO I CAN HOME
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SCHOOL YOU.
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THAT CONCLUDES THE SPANISH
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LESSON.
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SURE THAT WAS NICER THAN IT
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SOUNDED.
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NORMALLY THIS IS WHEN I WOULD
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INTERVIEW YOU BUT I'M BURNED OUT
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SO I PREPARED A PACKET OF
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QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK YOU.
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>> QUESTION ONE, DO I HAVE SO
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TELL MY PARTNER IF THERE'S BLOOD
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IN ANY SEMEN.
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>> Tosh: WRONG QUESTION.
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I'D APPRECIATE IF YOU RESPECT
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ANY PRIVACY.
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WHERE YOU FROM?
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>> DALLAS.
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>>
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>> Tosh: YOU LIKE IT?
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>> YES, NO.
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>> Tosh: WALK US WHAT HAPPENED
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S&P
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>> WE DIDN'T GET THE SAME AMOUNT
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OF TIME AND TOLD THEM TO QUICK
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BITCHING SO I WENT OFF.
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>> Tosh: YOU WERE FINISHING A
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TEST YOU STARTED THE DAY BEFORE.
264
00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:16,273
YOU SO START A TEST, GO HOME,
265
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:17,527
CHEAT LIKE CRAZY AND COME BACK
266
00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,373
AND FINISH.
267
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:22,597
>> IF YOU WANTED TO I GUESS.
268
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,830
>> Tosh: THIS TEACHER HAS TONS
269
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,633
OF FLAWS.
270
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:33,103
DO YOU HOW MUCH TEACHERS MAKE?
271
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,270
>> NO.
272
00:10:34,267 --> 00:10:37,467
>> Tosh: DO YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT
273
00:10:37,467 --> 00:10:38,427
TAKING CREDIBILITY.
274
00:10:38,433 --> 00:10:40,073
IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CREDIT.
275
00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:41,997
IT WAS ALMOST A PERFECT SPEECH.
276
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:43,030
WHY DO YOU POINT SO MUCH WHEN
277
00:10:43,033 --> 00:10:44,073
YOU'RE TALKING?
278
00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,127
>> SHOW AUTHORITY.
279
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,403
>> Tosh: WHAT'S SUBJECT WAS
280
00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:47,800
THAT?
281
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:48,700
>> WORLD HISTORY.
282
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:49,870
>> Tosh: WHAT'S YOUR BEST
283
00:10:49,867 --> 00:10:50,397
SUBJECT?
284
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,330
>> WORLD HISTORY.
285
00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:53,073
>> Tosh: REALLY?
286
00:10:53,067 --> 00:10:55,227
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PERIOD OF
287
00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:57,103
HISTORY TO STUDY?
288
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:57,870
>> PRESENT.
289
00:10:57,867 --> 00:11:00,767
WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.
290
00:11:00,767 --> 00:11:02,167
>> Tosh: DOESN'T SEEM LIKE
291
00:11:02,167 --> 00:11:04,767
THAT'S HISTORY.
292
00:11:04,767 --> 00:11:06,427
>> IT'S THE PRESENT.
293
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,873
IT'S HISTORY NOW.
294
00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:12,067
>> Tosh: DON'T PULL SHENANIGANS
295
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:13,067
WITH ME.
296
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:14,167
DO YOU SMOKE WEED?
297
00:11:14,167 --> 00:11:15,167
>> NO.
298
00:11:15,167 --> 00:11:15,967
>> Tosh: EVER?
299
00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:16,467
>> NO.
300
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:17,327
>> Tosh: THAT'S A LIE.
301
00:11:17,333 --> 00:11:19,303
WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE MEMBER OF
302
00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:20,200
THE BAND NELSON.
303
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:21,600
>> YOU LOST ME THERE.
304
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,930
>> Tosh: OH.
305
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,073
YOU'L LOVE THEM.
306
00:11:24,067 --> 00:11:25,867
DO YOU THINK YOU'LL GRADUATE ON
307
00:11:25,867 --> 00:11:26,297
TIME?
308
00:11:26,300 --> 00:11:27,930
>> I'M ALREADY BEHIND.
309
00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:28,803
>> Tosh: HOW FAR?
310
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:29,700
>> A YEAR.
311
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:32,800
>> Tosh: DID YOU SKIP, QUIT?
312
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:33,470
>> LEFT.
313
00:11:33,467 --> 00:11:35,067
>> Tosh: THAT WORKED WELL FOR
314
00:11:35,067 --> 00:11:35,697
PEOPLE.
315
00:11:35,700 --> 00:11:37,330
FORGET ABOUT THE CHITCHAT I
316
00:11:37,333 --> 00:11:39,473
FOUND A WAY TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
317
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:43,427
YOU CAN'T LEARN HISTORY FROM A
318
00:11:43,433 --> 00:11:43,973
BOOK.
319
00:11:43,967 --> 00:11:44,767
HAVE YOU TO EXPERIENCE.
320
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:46,397
>> WHAT IS THAT?
321
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,570
>> Tosh: A PHONE BOOK.
322
00:11:47,567 --> 00:11:50,767
PEOPLE USED THESE DISGUSTING
323
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,297
THINGS BEFORE CELL PHONES.
324
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:55,900
THIS IS FROM BILL AND TED'S
325
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,300
BOGUS JOURNEY.
326
00:11:57,300 --> 00:12:00,300
NOW PUT THOSE ON.
327
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:01,870
>> I'M DANIEL TOSH LOGAN AND
328
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:20,497
WE'RE ABOUT TO LEARN HISTORY.
329
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,970
NOW WE CAN NEVER GO BACK TO
330
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:24,467
EQUINOX.
331
00:12:24,467 --> 00:12:25,867
REAL FUNNY LOCK EVERYBODY IN THE
332
00:12:25,867 --> 00:12:26,797
CELLAR, HITLER.
333
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,700
>> CAN I GO HOME NOW?
334
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:31,100
>> SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP, CARL.
335
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,830
YOU CAN'T TAKE A WHIMP LIKE YOU
336
00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:36,203
BULLYING ME FROM SIXTH GRADE
337
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,170
I OWE YOU WON.
338
00:12:38,167 --> 00:12:39,197
KNOCK IT OFF.
339
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:40,600
JEFF, WE'VE BEEN TRAVELLING
340
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:41,470
THROUGH TIME ALL DAY.
341
00:12:41,467 --> 00:12:44,467
TELL US WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED.
342
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:46,427
>> CARL, YOU WERE DANIEL'S
343
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:47,433
CHILDHOOD BULLY.
344
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:48,933
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A SECOND
345
00:12:48,933 --> 00:12:50,173
TO ANALYZE WHAT'S REALLY GOING
346
00:12:50,167 --> 00:12:52,497
ON WHEN YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE.
347
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:59,170
AND THE EL CAMINO IS NO CAR FOR
348
00:12:59,167 --> 00:13:01,527
A GUY AND YOU LOOK GREAT FOR A
349
00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:04,573
WOMAN THAT BIRTHED THE PLANET.
350
00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:07,327
WE ALL HAVE PROBLEM AREAS.
351
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:09,703
BEAUTY IS IMPERFECTION.
352
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,170
>> SOMETHING'S IN MY THROAT.
353
00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,697
>> HITLER, WHY DO I EVEN BEGIN?
354
00:13:14,700 --> 00:13:16,230
YOU'RE GOING TO BE KNOWN THAT'S
355
00:13:16,233 --> 00:13:17,833
BIGGEST PRICK IN THE HISTORY OF
356
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:18,603
THE WORLD.
357
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:20,600
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?
358
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:25,070
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND
359
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:26,367
HAVE SOME CONVERSATIONS WITH
360
00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:27,697
SOME JEWS.
361
00:13:27,700 --> 00:13:29,070
HONESTLY THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.
362
00:13:29,067 --> 00:13:31,727
SOME ARE COOL AND TELL ME DON'T
363
00:13:31,733 --> 00:13:34,373
FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE IN A PAIR
364
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:36,067
OF KHAKI SHORTS.
365
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:36,797
AND MICHAEL JACKSON YOU'LL BE
366
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,200
THE KING OF POP ONE DAY.
367
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:41,600
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE YOU'LL
368
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:43,770
HAVE FUN BEING A KID.
369
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:45,527
>> Tosh: YOU GET AN A.
370
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:46,703
NOW TAKE EVERYBODY BACK.
371
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:56,070
BYE.
372
00:13:56,067 --> 00:14:00,127
I KEEPING APPLES.
373
00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:05,533
MISS YOU THE MOST, BUDDY.
374
00:14:05,533 --> 00:14:07,403
NOT SO FAST, JACKAL YOU'RE
375
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,370
BETTER OFF HERE.
376
00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:12,297
>> WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHER?
377
00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:16,430
>> Tosh: AND YOU STAY I'LL CALL
378
00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:17,403
YOU MONKEY.
379
00:14:17,400 --> 00:14:23,400
STAY EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.
380
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:23,870
OKAY.
381
00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:25,527
NOW SING ME MAN IN THE MIRROR OR
382
00:14:25,533 --> 00:14:27,103
YOU'RE SLEEPING IN THE SHED.
383
00:14:27,100 --> 00:14:28,470
>> I DON'T KNOW THAT SONG.
384
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:29,767
>> Tosh: OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
385
00:14:29,767 --> 00:14:30,967
HE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME
386
00:14:30,967 --> 00:14:33,067
FALLING ASLEEP LATER SO I GAVE
387
00:14:33,067 --> 00:14:34,267
HIM A LITTLE PROPOFOL.
388
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:35,697
THAT'S SAFE, RIGHT?
389
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:36,930
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
390
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:38,603
WITH THE HOLIDAYS AROUND THE
391
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,100
CORNER I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A
392
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,500
GOOD TIME TO BRING BACK JULIE TO
393
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:44,930
TEACH US ALL HOW TO PARTY LAUGH.
394
00:14:44,933 --> 00:14:47,673
>> I'M JULIE AND I'M GOING TO
395
00:14:47,667 --> 00:15:08,527
DEMONSTRATE PARTY LAUGHTER.
396
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:21,703
OOH.
397
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:27,800
>> THANK YOU.
398
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,430
>> MY NAME IS PATTI.
399
00:15:29,433 --> 00:15:31,303
I'M A NO-PARTY INDEPENDENT FOR
400
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:32,770
THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED
401
00:15:32,767 --> 00:15:33,197
STATES.
402
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,330
FOR 18 MONTHS I'VE BEEN A VICTIM
403
00:15:36,333 --> 00:15:39,633
THAT LISTENS TO MY PRIVATE
404
00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:40,273
THOUGHTS.
405
00:15:40,267 --> 00:15:44,497
AT THIS TIME MY COMMUNICATORS
406
00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,070
WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK OF THE
407
00:15:47,067 --> 00:15:48,267
SCIENCE.
408
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:49,127
ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A
409
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:50,273
CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA
410
00:15:50,267 --> 00:16:08,627
[ GIBBERISH ]
411
00:16:08,633 --> 00:16:10,933
>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE YOU LADIES
412
00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:12,433
WILL FINALLY GET SOMEONE IN THE
413
00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:13,203
WHITE HOUSE.
414
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,830
RARELY DOES A PRESIDENTIAL
415
00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:16,603
CANDIDATE SPEAK TO MY INTERESTS
416
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:17,570
THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BE MORE
417
00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,467
HONORED TO HAVE HER AS MY GUEST
418
00:16:19,467 --> 00:16:20,097
TONIGHT.
419
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:23,170
LET'S GET DOWN TO BRASS TACKS
420
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:26,097
AND HELP ME WELCOME TAMMI.
421
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,530
>> HI, DANIELLE.
422
00:16:27,533 --> 00:16:28,673
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO
423
00:16:28,667 --> 00:16:29,867
TALK ON YOUR SHOW TODAY.
424
00:16:29,867 --> 00:16:31,167
ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A
425
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:33,167
CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA
426
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:34,327
>> I'M DOING OKAY.
427
00:16:34,333 --> 00:16:37,333
THIS IS MY FIRST FORMAL
428
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:39,673
INTERVIEW SINCE I ENTERED THE
429
00:16:39,667 --> 00:16:42,127
FIELD OF POLITICS APPROXIMATELY
430
00:16:42,133 --> 00:16:42,703
40 MONTHS AGO.
431
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:43,900
ASUM A JOO, ASUM A JOO, VOZ A
432
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:45,830
CONGOO KOO KUMBA CHA
433
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:50,773
>> I'M A PERSON THAT DOES NOT
434
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:54,867
MARRIED JUST SINGLE.
435
00:16:54,867 --> 00:16:57,097
[ GIBBERISH ]
436
00:16:57,100 --> 00:16:57,800
.
437
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,570
>> EINSTEIN IS SIMILAR TO MYSELF
438
00:17:00,567 --> 00:17:03,397
IN THAT I NEVER SPOKE IN THE AGE
439
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,470
OF THREE.
440
00:17:04,467 --> 00:17:05,697
YOU UNDERSTAND THE SCIENCE IS
441
00:17:05,700 --> 00:17:07,400
ABLE TO MOVE YOUR BODY, DRIVE
442
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:11,430
YOU, WALK YOU AND SPEAK YOU.
443
00:17:11,433 --> 00:17:14,603
[ GIBBERISH ]
444
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,700
>> IT'S STRONG COMING DOWN FROM
445
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,100
THE SKY YOU CAN BREAK A LEG.
446
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,870
I HAVE A SEVERED HAND FROM
447
00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:22,397
ENERGY FROM USING MY PC FOR SIX
448
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:30,930
HOURS.
449
00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:45,973
[ GIBBERISH ]
450
00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:48,167
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME, DANIEL.
451
00:17:48,167 --> 00:17:48,897
GOOD-BYE.
452
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:52,870
>> Tosh: GOOD-BYE.
453
00:17:52,867 --> 00:17:54,827
I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESUMPTUOUS
454
00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:57,233
BUT I THINK SHE'S GOING TO GET
455
00:17:57,233 --> 00:17:59,673
EATEN ALIVE AT THE IOWA CAUCUS.
456
00:17:59,667 --> 00:18:02,497
NOW HERE'S YOUR VIEWER VINE OF
457
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:03,200
THE WEEK.
458
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:09,630
>> YOU WANT TO COME BACK DOWN?
459
00:18:09,633 --> 00:18:11,803
YOU WANT TO COME RIGHT NOW?
460
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,770
>> Tosh: THAT WAS JUST GOING TO
461
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:15,497
BE A VINE OF HIM PEEING BUT
462
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,630
LUCKILY SOMETHING MORE HAPPENED.
463
00:18:17,633 --> 00:18:18,733
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
464
00:18:18,733 --> 00:18:19,873
THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WILL
465
00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:21,327
CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE,
466
00:18:21,333 --> 00:18:22,733
LOSING A BABY AND STILTS.
467
00:18:32,867 --> 00:18:33,927
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
468
00:18:33,933 --> 00:18:34,873
EVERYONE KNOWS WE'RE A
469
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:37,167
FOURTH-QUARTER SHOW.
470
00:18:37,167 --> 00:18:40,427
NEXT WEEK, WE MEET THE BRAINS
471
00:18:40,433 --> 00:18:42,633
BEHIND THIS SECURITY INNOVATION.
472
00:18:42,633 --> 00:18:44,303
>> IN THIS VIDEO, HAVE YOU A
473
00:18:44,300 --> 00:18:46,800
STRANGER, A RAPIST COMING TO THE
474
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:47,300
DOOR.
475
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:49,130
A WIFE IS AT HOME BY HERSELF.
476
00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:52,433
SHE GOES AND SHE PRESSES THE
477
00:18:52,433 --> 00:18:53,603
SECURITY OFFICER.
478
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,400
>> WHOEVER THE VIDEO IS I'M
479
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:55,970
ASLEEP.
480
00:18:55,967 --> 00:18:57,327
COME BACK LATER.
481
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:58,603
>> LET THEM KNOW I'M SLEEPING.
482
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:01,100
COME BACK LATER.
483
00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,670
>> AND HE RE TREATS.
484
00:19:02,667 --> 00:19:04,367
>> Tosh: LOOKS LIKE THEY
485
00:19:04,367 --> 00:19:05,567
HARNESSED THE HOME ALONE
486
00:19:05,567 --> 00:19:06,267
TECHNOLOGY.
487
00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:07,727
I DON'T WANT TO SOUND NEEDY BUT
488
00:19:07,733 --> 00:19:12,073
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND CHECK
489
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,427
OUT OUR BLOG NOW OPEN NIGHTS AND
490
00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:15,973
WEEKEND AND COME RIGHT TO ME
491
00:19:15,967 --> 00:19:18,227
RIGHT TO MY FACE AND
492
00:19:18,233 --> 00:19:19,873
CONGRATULATIONS TO WACO AND
493
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,667
ROBBER FOR NOT GETTING
494
00:19:22,667 --> 00:19:25,697
BRICKLEBERRY C
495
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,770
BRICKLEBERRY CANCELLED.
496
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:30,527
AND IT'S COME TO ME COMEDY
497
00:19:30,533 --> 00:19:36,133
CENTRAL AS A YELP PAGE.
498
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:40,103
YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF LIBERAL
499
00:19:40,100 --> 00:19:40,930
[BLEEP]S.
500
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:42,503
COMEDY CENTRAL.
501
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,970
CENTRAL TO WHAT, MY BALLS?
502
00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:47,527
I'M A NOTED YELPER.
503
00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:51,673
THE CC HAS LOST ITS LUSTER.
504
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:53,697
NOTED, YELPER, NOTED.
505
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:56,970
BEST GAY BAR IN TOWN.
506
00:19:56,967 --> 00:19:57,497
AGREED.
507
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,570
GRAVITY WAS BORING AS HELL.
508
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,327
TITTIES.
509
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:02,573
BRING BACK SECRET GIRLFRIEND YOU
510
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:03,127
COWARDS.
511
00:20:03,133 --> 00:20:04,873
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT
512
00:20:04,867 --> 00:20:06,297
WAS THE WORSE SHOW THAT'S EVER
513
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:09,170
BEEN ON THE NETWORK WHOEVER SAID
514
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,167
YET YES SHOULD BE STONED TO
515
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:12,597
DEATH TO THE EIGHT PEOPLE THAT
516
00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:13,700
WATCHED IT.
517
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:15,600
TOO MANY PIXILATED PRIVATES.
518
00:20:15,600 --> 00:20:20,500
IF IT'S KNOWN AS THE CENTRAL
519
00:20:20,500 --> 00:20:22,070
PLACE FOR COMEDY THEY SHOULD
520
00:20:22,067 --> 00:20:22,867
FULL ON DONG.
521
00:20:22,867 --> 00:20:24,397
I'VE BEEN SAYING THAT FOR YEARS.
522
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,430
LET'S SEE SOME DONG.
523
00:20:26,433 --> 00:20:28,073
OVERALL GOT NETWORK BUT
524
00:20:28,067 --> 00:20:29,827
SERIOUSLY THE BEN SHOW?
525
00:20:29,833 --> 00:20:30,973
REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT
526
00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:31,897
SECRET GIRLFRIEND?
527
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:36,370
I'M SORRY.
528
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:38,927
I FORGOT ABOUT THAT 30-MINUTE
529
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:41,673
LONG TURD
530
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:44,767
THEY WERE OUT OF CHEESE PIZZA.
531
00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:47,467
NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH BEVERLY
532
00:20:47,467 --> 00:20:49,597
HILLS COP ANY MORE.
533
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:59,400
EDDIE MURPHY IS NOT THAT FUNNY.
534
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:00,300
#GIBBERISH.
535
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,470
I RECOMMEND YOU SIGN ON.
536
00:21:02,467 --> 00:21:05,297
A DOCTOR AND A LAWYER?
537
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:06,830
I'M SURE HIS HOURLY RATE TAINT
538
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:07,533
CHEAP.
539
00:21:07,533 --> 00:21:07,873
GOOD NIGHT.
540
00:21:15,933 --> 00:21:17,733
>> Tosh: THAT'S THE COOL THING
541
00:21:17,733 --> 00:21:21,403
ABOUT DROPPING OUT OF HIGH
542
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,070
SCHOOL AND COMING BACK YOU CAN
543
00:21:23,067 --> 00:21:23,927
GROW FACIAL HAIR.
544
00:21:23,933 --> 00:21:25,433
>> YOU CAN HAVE A MUSTACHE BUT
545
00:21:25,433 --> 00:21:26,903
NOT A GOATEE.
34138
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