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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[LAUGHTER]
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[ THEME MUSIC ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: IF HE CAN AFFORD A
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COFFEE TABLE HE'D ALREADY KNOW
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WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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IN HONOR OF BREAST CANCER
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AWARENESS MONTH I'M WEARING PINK
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BUT UNLIKE THE NFL I'M NOT GOING
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PRETEND ALL THE PROCEEDS ARE
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GOING TO RESEARCH WHEN IT'S
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ACTUALLY LESS THAN 5%.
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WAY TO PROFIT OFF SICK TITTIES,
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ROGER GOODELL.
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OT OFF MY SOAPBOX.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I FORCE THIS
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COMPETITIVE EATER DOWN YOUR
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THROAT, WE LET MOM GIVE US A SEX
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TALK AND GIVE HOMAGE TO MY
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FAVORITE FEMALE MUSICIANS.
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NOW LET'S SEE WHY KICKBOXING IS
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FOR GIRLS THAT NEED TO LOSE A
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FEW.
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THAT'S WASN'T THE BELL.
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KEEP KICKING.
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GUESS THE THREE PAIR OFS TO MANY
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DIDN'T GET THERE IN TIME.
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I'D SAY ICE IT BUT WE ALL KNOW
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THAT COUNTRY DOESN'T HAVE ICE SO
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WRAP TIN BANANA LEAVES OR
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WHATEVER THE VILLAGE WITCH
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DOCTOR RECOMMENDS.
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PUT DOWN YOUR SANDWICH BECAUSE
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IT'S TIME TO WATCH A FROG
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TURTLING.
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>> THAT'S A HUGE TURD.
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>> I MIGHT NEAT STITCHES.
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>> Tosh: I GUESS WE KNOW WHO ATE
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ALL THE FLIES.
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QUICK, KISS IT SO IT WILL TURN
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INTO SOMETHING WITH A BIGGER
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B-HOLE.
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>> HOLY.
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>> Tosh: THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE
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STEPPING IN EVERY TIME YOU WALK
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INTO A LAKE.
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TURDPOLES.
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>> LOOK HOW MUCH IT STRETCHES
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HER ANUS THERE.
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>> QUIT BLABBERING AND LET HER
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PLAY CANDY CRUSH.
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BE CARE FULL GLEN'S GRUMPY
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BEFORE HIS MORNING CUP OF
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COFFEE.
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>> [BLEEP].
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[BLEEP]
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>> Tosh: HE JUST GOT MUGGED.
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>> THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.
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THIS IS GETTING OUT OF HAND.
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>> Tosh: THE HAZELNUT VERSUS
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FRENCH VANILLA CREAMER BATTLE
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RAGES ON.
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AT LEAST HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE
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[BLEEP] HOLE WHO'S HOLD HIS
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COFFEE MUG WITH TWO HANDS.
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I TOO ENJOY HURTING PEOPLE WITH
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MUGS BUT I'M JUST A LITTLE MORE
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PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE.
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>> IT MADE HER HAPPIER.
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>> I DON'T KNOW HOW IT FELL
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APART SO FAST.
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I'M GOING TO LOSE MY KIDS.
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>> YEAH, I SHOULD PROBABLY STAY
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OUT OF MY NEIGHBORHOOD.
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>> WE CALL IT MARS BARS WITH
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PETER SARS GUARDS.
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>> I THINK WEAL REMEMBER HOW
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EXCITED I WAS FOR LAST YEAR'S
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PARTY.
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>> WE'RE A LITTLE BEHIND
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SCHEDULE.
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I'M HAVING A HARD TIME BOOKING A
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WOMAN.
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>> NO SMART [BLEEP] REMARKS FOR
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ME?
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>> WHAT?
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NO.
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>> Tosh: CAN'T BELIEVE HE MADE
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ME RUIN MY BEST CLIP SHOW HOST
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MUG.
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HOPEFULLY I'LL BE NOMINATED
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AGAIN SOME DAY.
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HERE'S PROOF THE FLUSHED BABIES
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ARE DOING FINE.
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SEE, COLORADO THAT'S HOW YOU
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MAKE THE BEST OF A BAD
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SITUATION.
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SURE IS, YOU LOST EVERYTHING YOU
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SPENT YOUR ENTIRE LIFE WORKING
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FOR BUT NOT YOU LIVE IN A WATER
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PARK.
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THEY'RE GOING TO DIE ON THE
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STREET ONE WAY OR ANOTHER
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YOU CAN'T KICK A DEFLATED SOCCER
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BALL AROUND FOREVER.
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UNLESS THIS IS WHERE DRAKE
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STARTED FROM, HE'S BEEN LYING TO
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ALL OF US.
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THAT'S THE BOTTOM.
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CANADA?
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THAT REMINDS ME OF THE TIME I
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WENT [BLEEP] SLIDING WITH CRU
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JONES.
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>> THIS RAIN WATER RUNOFF HAS
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BEEN DRIED FOR YEARS, CRU.
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I'M JUST REALLY TURNED ON RIGHT
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NOW.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> I THINK YOU SHOULD KNOW I LET
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HIM DOUBLE TEAM ME ONCE.
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>> Tosh: THAT WAS A SPRINGBOARD
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AS MY ROLE AS AUNT BECKY ON FULL
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HOUSE.
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HERE'S WHY THOMAS EDISON CAN GO
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[BLEEP] HIMSELF.
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>> Tosh: POOR WALL E.
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BLEW THROUGH HIS PIXAR MONEY AND
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HAD TO TAKE A JOB AT DAIRY
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QUEEN.
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THEY NEED TO INVENT ONE THAT
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LIGHTLY STOP THE 57.
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LOAD ONE WITH ANAL LUBE AND YOU
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HAVE AN INVESTOR.
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SHARK TANK THAT [BLEEP].
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KETCHUP IS FOR SQUARES.
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YOU FOOD-BLOGGING HIPSTERS WILL
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GO CRAZY FOR MY NEW ROBOT.
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>> IT GOES ON EVERYTHING.
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>> JUST A LITTLE ON MY TACO,
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PLEASE.
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>> Tosh: RELAX, GUYS, IT'S A
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PROTOTYPE.
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THAT'S A SPICYMEATBALL.
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WHY ARE YOU ALL WEARING WHITE
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ANYWAY?
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ARE YOU GOING WIMBLEDON.
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IT'S A LIE.
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WE'RE LIVING IN THE FUTURE.
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EXCITING TIMES.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> I SAID LET ME GO.
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>> NO.
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>> PUT IT DOWN.
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>> GIVE IT TO ME.
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>> Tosh: OLD SPICE COMMERCIALS
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KEEP GETTING WEIRD AND WEIRDER.
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NOW LET'S SEE WHY I DO ALL MY
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SHOPPING ONLINE IN THIS WEEK'S
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MENTAL BREAKDOWN.
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TARGET MAY BE ANTI-GAY BUT AT
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LEAST THEY'RE NOT FILLED WITH
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THE RIFFRAFF YOU FIND AT AN
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ECKERD.
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I HATE WHEN THEY PUT THE IMPULSE
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BUYS BY THE REGISTER.
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I DON'T NEED ANOTHER NAKED BLACK
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MAN.
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I'D PEG HIM MORE FOR A BAR OF
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SOAP.
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THE SOONER HE GETS HIS SHOWER
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GEL HE'LL GET HIS TAINT OFF YOUR
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COUNTER.
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OF COURSE HE'S UPSET.
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THERE'S NO REFILLS LEFT ON HIS
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ANGEL DUST PRESCRIPTION
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YOU LOOK LIKE MORE LIKE RICK
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ROSS, BITCH.
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YOU BETTER BELIEVE HE'D GET HIS
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SHOWER GEL BECAUSE RICK ROSS IS
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THE BOSS.
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>> YOU GOT KIDS IN THE STORE.
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>> Tosh: FOR THE RECORD ADULTS
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ARE GROSSED OUT TOO.
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>> COME ON.
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>> LOOK AT THIS, FOOL, MAN.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S AS GOOD A PLACE
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AS ANY TO CHECK YOUR OWN OIL.
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>> OH, GEEZ.
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>> Tosh: FOR GOD'S SAKE, THAT'S
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WHY HE NEEDED SHOWER GEL.
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MAYBE HE'S ONE OF THOSE SECRET
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SHOPPERS.
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ALL RIGHT, NOW HE ALSO NEEDS
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HAND SANITIZER.
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AND TOOTHPASTE.
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DOES DOVE SELL A THREE IN ONE
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BODY, BUTTHOLE MOUTH WASH?
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GET HIM TO THE FREE TESTER.
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THAT'S THE PHYSIQUE OF A MAN WHO
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DOES NOT GIVE A [BLEEP].
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AT LEAST WE PROVED THE
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CUSTOMER'S NOT ALWAYS RIGHT, FOR
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THAT WE THANK YOU.
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FIRST OUR AMAZING ASIAN OF THE
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WEEK OR AMASIAN FOR SHORT.
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>> IS HE GOING TO TIME IT?
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>> READY?
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>> [BLEEP].
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: ON YOU'RE YOUR WAY OUT
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DROPPING THE HEALTH RATING DOWN
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TO A C.
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THAT'LL RALPH AND HE HOOK UP HIS
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HANDROLL WHILE TRYING TO
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COMPLETE THE LEVEL 10 SPICY
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SUSHI CHALLENGE.
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SURE, HE RUINED HIS STOMACH
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LINED AND ALMOST DRANK HIS OWN
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SPEW IN PUBLIC BUT ALMOST WON A
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T-SHIRT.
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COMPETITIVE EATING WAS CREATED
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SO LARD ASSES CAN SAY THEY PLAY
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A SPORT.
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YOU'RE NOT ATHLETES.
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YOU'RE FAT BABIES.
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WE DON'T NEED YOUR PICTURE ON
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THE RESTAURANT TO PROVE YOU'RE
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GOOD AT EATING.
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THE MOST FAMOUS EVENT IS THE
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NATHAN'S HOT DOG EATING CONTEST.
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THE REST OF THE WORLD ONLY HAS
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ONE FOOD CHALLENGE IT'S CALLED
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LIFE.
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FEMALE COMPETITIVE EATERS NEVER
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WIN BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS STOP IN
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THE MIDDLE TO ASK FOR LEMON IN
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THEIR WATER AND HAVE YOU TRY
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THEIRS.
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THE ONLY COMPETITIVE EATERS ARE
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MODELS BECAUSE THEY KNOW DEFENSE
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WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS.
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NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS SKINNY
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FEELS, AM I RIGHT, LADIES?
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BUT RALPH HAS ALWAYS BEEN A
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GLASS HALF-FULL KIND OF GUY SO I
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BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD WHERE
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PEOPLE KNOW TO THROW UP BEFORE
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THEY GO ON CAMERA IN THIS WEEK'S
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WEB REDEMPTION.
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>> GOOD DAY.
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>> Tosh: WELCOME.
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YOU HUNGRY?
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>> WHAT YOU GOT?
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>> Tosh: BEST SUSHI IN CULVER
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CITY.
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WHERE YOU FROM?
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>> LONG BEACH.
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>> Tosh: LBZ.
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DO YOU THINK YOUR NAME IS RALPH
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AND YOU HAVE A VIDEO OF YOU
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THROWING UP.
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>> THAT'S NOT WEIRD.
265
00:10:39,300 --> 00:10:40,700
I'VE BEEN DOING CRAZY STUFF ALL
266
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:41,700
MY LIFE.
267
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:43,000
>> Tosh: I KNOW BUT YOUR NAME'S
268
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,330
RALPH AND YOU WERE THROWING UP.
269
00:10:44,333 --> 00:10:45,073
>> YEAH.
270
00:10:45,067 --> 00:10:46,297
>> Tosh: DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
271
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,430
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
272
00:10:47,433 --> 00:10:48,803
>> Tosh: BUT YOU STILL AGREED TO
273
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:49,670
DO THE CHALLENGE.
274
00:10:49,667 --> 00:10:51,827
>> I WANTED TO PROVE THEM WRONG.
275
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:56,233
>> Tosh: WHAT'S THE CHALLENGE?
276
00:10:56,233 --> 00:10:58,573
>> A SPICY CALIFORNIA ROLL.
277
00:10:58,567 --> 00:10:59,827
>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU
278
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:00,403
WIN?
279
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:01,100
>> I DON'T KNOW.
280
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,870
I JUST WANTED TO BE A CHAMPION.
281
00:11:03,867 --> 00:11:06,427
>> Tosh: THIS IS WHITE RICE WITH
282
00:11:06,433 --> 00:11:08,203
CHEWING TOBACCO AND BARBECUE
283
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:09,900
SAUCE TO FINISH HER OFF.
284
00:11:09,900 --> 00:11:11,170
TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT
285
00:11:11,167 --> 00:11:11,697
NIGHT.
286
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:13,130
>> WE WENT THERE TRYING TO
287
00:11:13,133 --> 00:11:14,403
DEFEAT THE SUSHI CHALLENGE.
288
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,330
>> Tosh: HOW DRUNK WERE YOU?
289
00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:16,573
>> I WASN'T THAT DRUNK.
290
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:18,067
>> Tosh: BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE
291
00:11:18,067 --> 00:11:19,467
LARGEST BITE I MAY HAVE EVER
292
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:19,927
SEEN.
293
00:11:19,933 --> 00:11:21,533
>> ANY ATTITUDE IS BALLS TO THE
294
00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:22,673
WALL.
295
00:11:22,667 --> 00:11:23,767
>> Tosh: GOOD FOR YOU.
296
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,067
>> SO I TOOK THE BIGGEST BITE I
297
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:27,767
COULD TO SEE IF I CAN HANDLE IT.
298
00:11:27,767 --> 00:11:30,127
>> Tosh: CAN YOU FEEL THE HEAT
299
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:30,733
IMMEDIATELY?
300
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,703
>> NO, IT WAS MORE THE ACTUAL
301
00:11:32,700 --> 00:11:33,300
TASTE.
302
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:34,070
>> YOU THINK YOU GOT SICK
303
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,967
BECAUSE IT WAS RAW FISH?
304
00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:36,797
>> EXACTLY.
305
00:11:36,800 --> 00:11:38,200
>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU DRINK YOUR
306
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,070
OWN VOMIT?
307
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:42,397
>> I'VE DONE IT ON MULTIPLE
308
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:46,070
OCE
309
00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:47,127
OCCASIONS I DRANK TOO MUCH BEER
310
00:11:47,133 --> 00:11:48,273
AND CATCH IT IN YOUR MOUTH AND
311
00:11:48,267 --> 00:11:48,967
DRINK IT.
312
00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:50,067
IT WASN'T NEW TO ME.
313
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,397
>> Tosh: SO A STRAW'S DIFFERENT.
314
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:52,800
>> AT THE TIME IT SEEMED
315
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:53,370
NATURAL.
316
00:11:53,367 --> 00:11:54,367
>> YOU MAKE SENSE.
317
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:55,567
DID YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE PEOPLE
318
00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:56,097
SITTING NEXT TO YOU?
319
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:57,670
>> I WASN'T THINKING ABOUT THEM.
320
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:58,967
>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK THEY WERE
321
00:11:58,967 --> 00:11:59,527
THINK BUT?
322
00:11:59,533 --> 00:12:02,073
>> I'M SURE THEY DID.
323
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:07,167
>> Tosh: YOU SHOULD GO ON YELP
324
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:08,927
BECAUSE I AM SURE SOMEONE WROTE
325
00:12:08,933 --> 00:12:11,873
A REVIEW ABOUT YOU BEFORE A GUY
326
00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:13,897
DRINK HIS OWN VOMIT.
327
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,230
I LOST THE COMPETITION BUT I
328
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:17,203
DON'T WANT TO GIVE UP ON YOUR
329
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:17,630
DREAM.
330
00:12:17,633 --> 00:12:19,103
>> I HAVEN'T LOST IT.
331
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,400
>> Tosh: GOOD.
332
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:21,900
I KNOW A COMPETITION WITH THE
333
00:12:21,900 --> 00:12:23,070
HOTTEST FOOD IN THE WORLD.
334
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:23,567
>> I'M IN.
335
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:27,527
>> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE 48th
336
00:12:27,533 --> 00:12:30,333
ANNUAL SUPER BOWL BY SPOON
337
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:33,633
AMERICA'S NUMBER ONE SOUP EATING
338
00:12:33,633 --> 00:12:35,333
UTENSIL SINCE 1982.
339
00:12:35,333 --> 00:12:37,773
FIRST IS O'BRIEN A WRITER ON THE
340
00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:39,667
SHOW WHO I [BLEEP] YOU NOT HAS
341
00:12:39,667 --> 00:12:42,127
NEVER TASTED SOUP.
342
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,203
HIS ENTIRE LIFE.
343
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:44,570
>> I DON'T LIKE THE TEXTURE.
344
00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:47,367
I DON'T LIKE EATING LIQUIDS AS A
345
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:47,897
FOOD.
346
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:49,900
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE HIM EAT
347
00:12:49,900 --> 00:12:50,400
SOUP.
348
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:51,730
>> Tosh: NEXT, BECAUSE THERE'S
349
00:12:51,733 --> 00:12:53,603
NO ONE THAT LOVES SOUP MORE THAN
350
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:56,200
AN OLD LADY LET'S HEAR IT FOR
351
00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,100
THIS OLD LADY.
352
00:12:58,100 --> 00:13:01,230
THE NEXT GUY'S A LOCAL FAVORITE
353
00:13:01,233 --> 00:13:02,803
AND HAS BEEN SEEN EATING SOUP IN
354
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,070
THE KITCHEN WELCOME SAMMY.
355
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:07,667
NEXT TO HIM IS A MAN WHO'S DRANK
356
00:13:07,667 --> 00:13:09,497
HIS OWN VOMIT AT THE SUSHI
357
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,230
CHALLENGE.
358
00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:13,073
GIVE IT UP FOR MY BOY, RALPH.
359
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:15,797
AND FINALLY THE PRINCE OF HOT
360
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:19,200
DOGS THE EMPEROR OF COMPETITIVE
361
00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:24,500
EATING THE ONE AND ONLY JOEY
362
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:25,070
CHESTNUT.
363
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:27,467
THIS IS A NON-SANCTIONED EVENT.
364
00:13:27,467 --> 00:13:28,727
MAJOR LEAGUE EATING HAS NO
365
00:13:28,733 --> 00:13:32,233
AFFILIATION WITH THE SOUPER
366
00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:32,633
BOWL.
367
00:13:32,633 --> 00:13:33,803
HERE'S HOW IT WILL WORK.
368
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,200
A BOWL OF SOUP WILL BE PLACED
369
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:36,930
BEFORE YOU USING ONLY YOUR
370
00:13:36,933 --> 00:13:37,373
SPOON.
371
00:13:37,367 --> 00:13:39,427
YOU MUST CONSUME THE ENTIRE
372
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:42,473
CONTENTS OF THE BALL WHOEVER
373
00:13:42,467 --> 00:13:46,067
FINISHES FASTEST WILL GET FOUR
374
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:47,297
POINTS AND NEXT FASTEST THREE
375
00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:48,670
POINTS AND SO AND AND SO FORTH.
376
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,397
LET THE SOUPER BOWL BEGIN.
377
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:52,170
>> WAIT, WE NEED TO SAY GRACE
378
00:13:52,167 --> 00:13:54,967
FIRST.
379
00:13:54,967 --> 00:13:56,067
[LAUGHTER]
380
00:13:56,067 --> 00:13:59,127
>> Tosh: AMEN.
381
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:00,633
>> OH, NO!
382
00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:01,673
>> Tosh: MEDICS?
383
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:03,667
>> WE LOST HIM.
384
00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:07,197
>> CAUSE OF DEATH?
385
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:10,400
>> Tosh: HE DIED THE WAY HE ATE
386
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:13,470
HOT DOGS TOO QUICKLY.
387
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:16,327
THE FIRST IS A RICH, CREAMY NEW
388
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:19,803
ENGLAND CLAM CHOWDER.
389
00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:21,970
PHOTO FINISH IN ROUND ONE.
390
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:25,697
NEXT UP IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL
391
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,230
CROCK OF GOOEY FRENCH ONION
392
00:14:29,233 --> 00:14:29,633
SOUP.
393
00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:30,473
DO YOU ENJOY IT?
394
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:32,327
>> I HATE THIS.
395
00:14:32,333 --> 00:14:33,773
>> Tosh: HOW'S IT GOING, RALPH?
396
00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:34,697
>> NOT AN ISSUE.
397
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:36,370
>> THE SOUP IS COLD.
398
00:14:36,367 --> 00:14:37,897
>> Tosh: RALPH TAKES THIS ROUND.
399
00:14:37,900 --> 00:14:40,870
WHO'S READY FOR PIPING HOT SHARK
400
00:14:40,867 --> 00:14:41,627
FIN SOUP?
401
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:44,403
THE SCARIEST OF ALL SOUP.
402
00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:45,330
>> I AM.
403
00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:49,403
>> Tosh: HERE'S CONDENSED
404
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,070
CAMPBELLS TOMATO WITHOUT THE
405
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,797
ADDITIONAL CAN OF WATER.
406
00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,600
>> THIS ISN'T SOUP.
407
00:14:54,600 --> 00:14:57,830
>> Tosh: WHO'S READY FOR LOBSTER
408
00:14:57,833 --> 00:15:00,073
BISQUE OR BLACK BEANS?
409
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,427
ARE YOU BOYCOTTING THIS ROUND?
410
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:04,433
>> IT'S STUPID.
411
00:15:04,433 --> 00:15:06,933
>> Tosh: THIS IS RAVIOLI SOUP.
412
00:15:06,933 --> 00:15:08,473
THAT'S ROUND 17.
413
00:15:08,467 --> 00:15:10,727
THE CONTEST IS HEATING UP WHICH
414
00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:13,273
MEANS THAT'S A PERFECT TIME TO
415
00:15:13,267 --> 00:15:19,797
BRING OUT THE FIVE-ALARM CHILI.
416
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,400
TOO SPICY?
417
00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:23,070
>> THE WARMNESS MAKES IT HOTTER.
418
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:24,397
>> Tosh: CAN I GET THAT ON A
419
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,930
T-SHIRT?
420
00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:28,673
RALPH, YOU'RE A LOCK TO WIN OUR
421
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:30,227
GRAND PRIZE WHICH IS HAVING YOUR
422
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:34,473
OWN SOUP NAMED AFTER YOU AT SOUP
423
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,927
PLANTATION.
424
00:15:35,933 --> 00:15:38,433
AMERICA'S ONLY SOUP PLACE
425
00:15:38,433 --> 00:15:40,833
PUBLICLY ENDORSED SINCE SLAVERY.
426
00:15:40,833 --> 00:15:42,503
>> DONE.
427
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:44,300
>> Tosh: WE ARE OUR CHAMPION.
428
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:48,200
WE HAVE OUR CHAMPION.
429
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,170
YOU FEEL OKAY?
430
00:15:50,167 --> 00:15:54,367
>> I DON'T KNOW, DANIEL.
431
00:15:54,367 --> 00:15:55,467
>> Tosh: ARE YOU GOING TO GET
432
00:15:55,467 --> 00:16:01,627
SICK?
433
00:16:01,633 --> 00:16:04,933
>> NO, I'M GOOD.
434
00:16:04,933 --> 00:16:06,873
>> Tosh: YOU SURE?
435
00:16:06,867 --> 00:16:07,467
>> YEAH.
436
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:08,397
>> Tosh: ARE YOU RALPHING IN
437
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:12,130
HERE?
438
00:16:12,133 --> 00:16:13,173
WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF
439
00:16:13,167 --> 00:16:15,327
SHOWMANSHIP?
440
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:16,833
I CAN BRING YOU THE STRAW IF YOU
441
00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:19,203
WANT TO DRINK SOME OF IT.
442
00:16:19,200 --> 00:16:21,330
THREE DAYS LATER JOEY CHESTNUT
443
00:16:21,333 --> 00:16:23,373
ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND APPEARED
444
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:26,427
AT A POTSTICKER EATING CONTEST.
445
00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:28,503
JOEY CHESTNUT, J.C.
446
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:31,770
COINCIDENCE?
447
00:16:31,767 --> 00:16:33,767
YEAH, IT'S JUST A COINCIDENCE.
448
00:16:33,767 --> 00:16:35,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
449
00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,367
IT'S NOT A HIT AND RUN IF YOU
450
00:16:36,367 --> 00:16:38,927
BRING THE VICTIM HOME WITH YOU.
451
00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:40,303
>> CALL THE POLICE FOR ME?
452
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,170
>> WHAT'S GOING ON?
453
00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:43,897
>> HE RAN ME OVER.
454
00:16:43,900 --> 00:16:44,930
CALL THE POLICE FOR ME.
455
00:16:44,933 --> 00:16:45,603
>> OKAY.
456
00:16:50,733 --> 00:16:53,073
>> WHAT IS MY LITTLE BOY DOING?
457
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:53,497
HMM?
458
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,670
YOU BETTER ANSWER TO YOUR MOMMY.
459
00:16:55,667 --> 00:16:58,767
I NEED TO INSPECT WHAT'S IN YOUR
460
00:16:58,767 --> 00:16:59,327
PANTS.
461
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:00,103
PULL THEM DOWN.
462
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:03,370
THAT'S RIGHT, PULL THEM DOWN AND
463
00:17:03,367 --> 00:17:08,297
LET THEM DROP AROUND YOUR
464
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:08,800
ANKLES.
465
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:11,230
I WANT TO SEE HOW BIG YOUR PENIS
466
00:17:11,233 --> 00:17:11,573
IS.
467
00:17:11,567 --> 00:17:12,767
>> Tosh: THE BOND BETWEEN A
468
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:14,167
MOTHER AND CHILD IS A POWERFUL
469
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:14,597
THING.
470
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:16,300
PEOPLE LOVE TO COMPLAIN HOW I'M
471
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,200
ALWAYS NAKED ON THE SHOW OR MAY
472
00:17:18,200 --> 00:17:20,170
OR MAY NOT BE GAY BUT THEY DON'T
473
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:21,297
UNDERSTAND WHAT KIND OF
474
00:17:21,300 --> 00:17:24,700
HOUSEHOLD I GREW UP IN.
475
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,070
THE WOMAN IN THE FETISH VIDEO IS
476
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:27,667
MY MOM.
477
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:30,227
AND THE BOY SHE'S TALKING TO IS
478
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:31,773
ME.
479
00:17:31,767 --> 00:17:34,127
>> WHAT, YOU'RE EMBARRASSED?
480
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:35,073
YOU CAN'T BE EMBARRASSED IN
481
00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:36,727
FRONT OF YOUR MOMMY.
482
00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:37,933
I GAVE BIRTH TO YOU.
483
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,403
>> Tosh: SURE, PLAY THE GAME.
484
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,070
>> Tosh:
485
00:17:41,067 --> 00:17:43,827
>> PULL THEM DOWN.
486
00:17:43,833 --> 00:17:45,473
LET THEM DROP AROUND YOUR
487
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:46,067
ANKLES.
488
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:48,197
I WANT SEE HOW BIG YOUR PENIS
489
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:48,570
IS.
490
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:51,267
YOU'RE A BAD, BAD, BAD LITTLE
491
00:17:51,267 --> 00:17:51,797
BOY.
492
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,900
HOW DARE YOU -- SHOW ME A LITTLE
493
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:54,870
PENIS LIKE THAT?
494
00:17:54,867 --> 00:17:56,897
>> Tosh: IS THERE NO PLEASING
495
00:17:56,900 --> 00:17:57,730
YOU, MOTHER.
496
00:17:57,733 --> 00:18:00,273
THIS IS WHY I WANT TO LIVE WITH
497
00:18:00,267 --> 00:18:01,227
DAD AND SHARON.
498
00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:03,233
>> NO WONDER WHY YOU DON'T HAVE
499
00:18:03,233 --> 00:18:04,333
A GIRLFRIEND.
500
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,433
>> BECAUSE THE THOUGHT OF
501
00:18:05,433 --> 00:18:08,973
BRINGING HER HOME TO MEET YOU
502
00:18:08,967 --> 00:18:09,767
SCARES ME.
503
00:18:09,767 --> 00:18:11,427
>> I WANT TO SEE YOU STROKE IT.
504
00:18:11,433 --> 00:18:14,233
TAKE YOUR LITTLE FINGERS LIKE
505
00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:16,633
THAT AND STROKE YOUR LITTLE
506
00:18:16,633 --> 00:18:17,403
BITTY --
507
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,170
>> Tosh: MY INSTINCTS ARE
508
00:18:20,167 --> 00:18:22,967
TELLING YOU NOT TO.
509
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:24,467
MOTHER KNOWS BEST.
510
00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:26,397
>> PLAY WITH YOUR BITTY BALLS
511
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:26,900
TOO.
512
00:18:26,900 --> 00:18:28,530
LOOK HOW SMALL THEY ARE.
513
00:18:28,533 --> 00:18:32,833
>> Tosh: THE EMOTIONAL SCAR IS
514
00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:34,133
NOT LITTLE.
515
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:36,333
>> ARE YOU CLOSE?
516
00:18:36,333 --> 00:18:37,073
>>:
517
00:18:37,067 --> 00:18:39,567
>> Tosh: YEAH, TO REPORTING YOUR
518
00:18:39,567 --> 00:18:41,067
ASS TO CHILD SERVICES.
519
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:42,427
>> SQUEEZE IT.
520
00:18:42,433 --> 00:18:45,103
>> Tosh: I'M GOING IGNORE THAT
521
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:45,530
REQUEST.
522
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:48,573
>> MOMMY'S ORDERING YOU, NOW.
523
00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:49,567
>> Tosh: FINE.
524
00:18:49,567 --> 00:18:50,397
BUT STOP TALKING FOR AT LEAST
525
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,370
TWO SECONDS.
526
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:56,797
>> IS THAT IT?
527
00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:01,370
I COULD SPIT MORE THAN THAT.
528
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:04,627
>> Tosh: WHY WERE WE AT A
529
00:19:04,633 --> 00:19:05,373
HAMPTON INN?
530
00:19:05,367 --> 00:19:09,327
BECAUSE KIDS STAY FREE.
531
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:12,073
THAT'S HAMPTONALITY.
532
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:14,067
>> WHAT'S MY NAME?
533
00:19:14,067 --> 00:19:18,297
>> YOU ASKED ME TO CALL ME
534
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:18,800
VAGINA.
535
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:23,500
>> SURI, WHAT'S MY NAME?
536
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:26,230
>> Tosh: MARK MY WORDS HE'LL BE
537
00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,333
ON SNL IN NO TIME.
538
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:30,873
YOU GO FROM A VINE VIDEO TO
539
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:32,767
FUTURE PLAYER.
540
00:19:32,767 --> 00:19:41,567
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
541
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:44,797
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
542
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,800
SPECIAL THANK YOU TO THE BOYS IN
543
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,530
THE COAST TOWARD FOR KEEPING OUR
544
00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:52,103
PELICANS, PIERS AND BEACH
545
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,430
VOLLEYBALL COURTS SAFE.
546
00:19:53,433 --> 00:19:57,933
IT'S TIME TO BRING THEM HOME,
547
00:19:57,933 --> 00:19:58,373
OBAMA.
548
00:19:58,367 --> 00:19:59,867
NEXT WEEK WE'LL CHECK IN ON
549
00:19:59,867 --> 00:20:01,267
CLASSIC WEB REDEMPTIONS TO SEE
550
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,227
HOW THEIR LIVES HAVE CHANGED
551
00:20:03,233 --> 00:20:05,633
SINCE MEETING ME AND YES, FANNY
552
00:20:05,633 --> 00:20:08,273
WILL BE HERE AND ACCORDING TO MY
553
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:12,827
CALCULATIONS SHE'S NO LONGER AND
554
00:20:12,833 --> 00:20:14,273
CHECK OUT MY BLOG AND CHECK OUT
555
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:19,027
MY WOMAN-WOMAN SHOW AT A THEATER
556
00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:23,633
NEAR YOU AND TICKETS ARE ON SALE
557
00:20:23,633 --> 00:20:29,373
FOR TOSH SAVES THE WORLD SHARE
558
00:20:29,367 --> 00:20:30,967
THE AND NEXT IS BRICKLEBERRY AND
559
00:20:30,967 --> 00:20:32,427
WE DON'T SAY IT ENOUGH BUT WOMEN
560
00:20:32,433 --> 00:20:35,303
ARE AMAZING AND WE CREATED A NEW
561
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,300
SEGMENT CALLED TALENTED WOMEN
562
00:20:37,300 --> 00:21:01,800
PLAYING GUITAR, ON MUTE.
563
00:21:01,800 --> 00:21:04,770
>>
564
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:07,367
>> Tosh: I DON'T KNOW HOW SHE
565
00:21:07,367 --> 00:21:10,067
DID IT BUT TOWARD THE END IT WAS
566
00:21:10,067 --> 00:21:10,597
ANNOYING.
567
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:11,800
SAY WHAT YOU WILL ABOUT MY SHOW
568
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:13,070
BUT AT LEAST IT'S OVER.
35357
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