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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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>> HEY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: IDIOT, SIDE POCKET.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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PLEASE GIVE THE NEW CAST MEMBERS
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A CHANCE.
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THIS, LIKE EVERY SEASON IS A
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REBUILD BEING SEASON.
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TONIGHT THE FORCE IS STRONG WITH
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THIS REDEMPTION.
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WE TAKE A HARD LOOK AT THE
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ADORABLE SIDE OF ADDICTION AND A
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SHOW YOU A HIGH SCHOOL THAT
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REALLY STINKS.
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NOW, DO YOU WANT TO PLAY NEXT
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JUST LEAVE A QUARTER ON THE
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TABLE.
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THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR TRYING
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TO SURPRISE [BLEEP] YOUR BUDDY.
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STILL LESS EMBARRASSING THAN
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GETTING KNOCKED OUT BY A GIRL.
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THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON AN
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AIR HOCKEY TABLE BECAUSE YOUR
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HEAD WOULD FLOAT ABOVE IT ON A
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CUSHION OF AIR.
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I BELIEVE THAT ROOM IS HAUNTED
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BY THE GHOST OF THE THREE
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STOOGES.
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>> THE GAME ROOM IS DANGEROUS.
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THERE'S A FOOSBALL ROD SHOVED UP
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MY [BLEEP] THERE'S FIVE MORE UP
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THERE.
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>> Tosh: YOU GIVE YOUNG PEOPLE
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AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE AND THIS
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IS WHAT HAPPENS.
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SHENANIGANS.
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ALL RIGHT.
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HERE'S WHY THE LADIES ALWAYS
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WANT TO GO ON SAFARIS.
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>> CHRIST.
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[BLEEP]
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>> Tosh: OKAY.
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LET'S ADDRESS THE ELEPHANT IN
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THE ROOM.
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IT'S SMALLER THAN HIS NOSE.
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IT'S ALL ABOUT PROPORTIONS.
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>> YOU READY?
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>> YOU GOT HIS KNOB?
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>> YES.
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>> Tosh: I WONDER IF HE CAN EAT
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PEANUTS WITH THAT THING?
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COURSE HE WAS HORNY.
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I WAS DRIVING A SEXY FIAT
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ABARTHES.
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>> HE'S TRYING TO GET ALL BUGGY.
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TALLY HO.
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WOULD YOU MIND BEING AROUND
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SOMEONE ELSE.
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ME AND THE MISSES ARE ON
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HOLIDAY.
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BUG OFF NOW YOU BOBLER.
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I'M LIKELY TO RUN OUT OF PETRO
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RUNS OUT CHEERS.
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GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
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>> Tosh: DID YOU KNOW ELEPHANTS
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LIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS AND
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NOSE AND [BLEEP]S DON'T STOP
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GROWING.
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE WORKS FOR
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BUT IT'S NOT PAPA JOHNS, ROUND
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TABLE, GOTH FATHERS, CHUCK E
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CHEESE, PITFIRE.
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IT'S NOT THEM OR ANYONE SO DON'T
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CONSIDER ANYONE WHO WOULD SPEND
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A DOLLAR ADVERTISING ON COMEDY
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CENTRAL.
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PINEAPPLE IS A FRUIT NOT A PIZZA
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TOPPING.
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THE CHINESE GUY JUST LICKS
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EVERYTHING, JUST FREAKS.
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THE CHINESE JUST FREAKS.
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LUCKILY THE CHEESY BREAD HAS NOT
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BEEN COMPROMISED.
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NOW, HE'S AN OLD MAN PLAYING
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WITH A BALL.
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>> Tosh: THIS IS WHY I VALET.
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WHAT WAS THE CAR SUPPOSED TO DO
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WAIT FOR HIM TO GET UP?
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YOU ONLY GET 15 MINUTES OF FREE
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PARKING.
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HOW COME GETTING BONKED ON THE
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HEAD HURTS WORSE THAN A CAR
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DRIVING OVER HIM?
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MOVING ON.
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DEARLY BELOVED GATHERED HERE
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TODAY TO WATCH THE NEXT CLIP.
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>> IN ACCORDANCE WITH GOD'S WILL
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YOU DO NOW CONFESS IT.
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WE'RE STILL GOOD, HUH?
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PLEASE, SIRS, LEAVE.
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PLEASE.
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>> WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO BE?
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>> ANYWHERE OTHER THAN HERE.
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THIS IS A SOLEMN ASSEMBLY NOT A
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PHOTOGRAPHY SESSION OR I WILL
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STOP.
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>> Tosh: OOH.
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HE DOESN'T ALLOW CAMERAS WHEN HE
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FELLOWSHIPS WITH ALTER BOYS
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EITHER.
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RUNS A TIGHT SHIP.
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>> I WILL STOP THE CEREMONY IF
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YOU DO NOT GET OUT OF THE WAY.
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THIS IS NOT ABOUT THE
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PHOTOGRAPHY.
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THIS IS ABOUT GOD.
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>> Tosh: WRONG, AGAIN OLD MAN.
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SHE DIDN'T STARVE HERSELF FOR
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THE LAST THREE MONTHS TO PLEASE
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GOD.
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IT'S ABOUT LIKES ON FACEBOOK.
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IMAGINE HOW UPSET HE'D GET IF HE
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HAD TO MARRY A COUPLE GAYS.
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YEAH, I KNOW.
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AT LEAST NOBODY NOTICED THE GUY
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WAS LATE.
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ANY ROOM FOR ME IN THIS AISLE?
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OKAY.
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I'LL SCOOT OVER HERE.
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MY APOLOGIES TO THE THE WEDDING
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PAY I DIDN'T REALIZE MY
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PHOTOGRAPHY SESSION WAS THAT
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DISTRACTING.
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>> I WILL STOP IF YOU DO NOT GET
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OUT THE WAY.
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>> Tosh: YOU RESERVED IT UNTIL
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4:00.
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IT'S 4:15 THERE'S A SMALL WINDOW
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WHEN THE LIGHT WILL HIT AND
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CREATE MADNESS.
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PERFECT.
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TO BE FAIR, HER VAG WAS THE
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SOMETHING BORROWED AND BLUE.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> YOU WANT TO RUN FROM ME?
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>> Tosh: THAT'S THE LAST GUY YOU
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WANT IN YOUR CHEERING SECTION.
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NOW LET'S WATCH THEM FIGHT TO
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THE FINISH OR UNTIL A CAR PUTS
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THEM ALL ON WHEELCHAIRS IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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JUST ANOTHER QUIET DAY IN THE
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BIG APPLE.
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HEY, YOU BUMS, RESPECT YOUR
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FELLOW NEW YORKERS AND TURN THE
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STREET FIGHT INTO THEY SIDEWALK
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FIGHT SO NOBODY'S LATE FOR WORK.
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>> YOU WANT TO RUN FROM ME?
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>> Tosh: THE UPSIDE TO BEING IN
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THE WHEELCHAIR IS HAVE YOU A
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RINGSIDE SEAT TO LIFE.
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HOW THE HELL DID HE GET THE
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SUNGLASSES ON HIS HEAD?
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I'M STUMPED.
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THAT BLOND IN THE STONE WASHED
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JEANS IS EITHER A WOMAN OR A
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DOUGHY VINCE NEAL.
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YEAH, CALL THE COPS.
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THEY'RE GOING TO SEE THIS.
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SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND.
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THAT'S PERFECT.
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THIS FIGHT JUST GOT FUN-SIZED.
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LOOK AT THAT STAR FISH FROM
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SPONGE BOB GO.
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WHAT A FAKER.
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HE DOESN'T NEED A WHEELCHAIR.
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LIEUTENANT DAN NEVER LEAVES A
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MAN BEHIND.
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YOU KNOW HE'S SERIOUS WHEN HE
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RISKS SCROTUM ROAD RASH.
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OKAY, HERE'S A RECAP.
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I HAVE NO [BLEEP]ING CLUE WHAT'S
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HAPPENING.
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HE'S EATING HIM.
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THAT'S THE MOST BAD ASS THING
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YOU CAN DO IN A STREET FIVE GIVE
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ANOTHER MAN A HICKEY.
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TODDLERS ARE SCARED TO GO NEAR
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HIM.
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WE NEED TO CALM HIM DOWN
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SOMEONE SWADDLE THAT THING IN
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BLANKETS.
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I'M JUST GLAD THEY CAN'T ARREST
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HIM BECAUSE THE CUFFS WOULD
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SLIDE RIGHT OFF AND FOR THAT WE
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THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO REDEEM
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THE NEW AGE ENTHUSIASMS BUT
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FIRST YOU THINK AN MMA REPORTER
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WOULD BE LESS SQUEAMISH.
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>> I KNOW THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE.
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GIVE US YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE
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FIGHT.
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OH.
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WAIT, WAIT.
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>> BREATHE IN.
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ALL THE ENERGY IN.
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MORE POWER, MORE PASSION, MORE
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POWER.
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INTO THE HANDS, YES.
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THAT'S GO.
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AS SOON AS YOU SEE ME MOVE
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EVERYTHING YOU GOT IN THERE YOU
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PUSH OUT.
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[ YELLING ]
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>> YOU PREPARE HER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: SHE DIDN'T CALL FAIR
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CATCH.
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THAT'S ON HER.
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ALL RIGHT.
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GET UP.
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IF I WANTED TO SEE SOMEONE SHAKE
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I'D WATCH MICHAEL J. FOX'S NEW
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SHOW.
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THAT PHONY HOMEOPATH IS PAUL AND
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IN CASE THE PONYTAIL WASN'T
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ENOUGH TO KEEP PEOPLE AWAY HE
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CLAIMS HE CAN GENERATE FORCE
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FIELDS.
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THE NEW AGE MOVEMENT IS FOR
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FOLKS DUMB ENOUGH TO PAY SOMEONE
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TO TEACH THEM HOW TO BREATHE.
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IT'S RELIGION FOR PEOPLE WHO
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WOULD BURN IN HELL IN A REAL
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RELIGION
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YOU KNOW WHY THERE ARE THOUSANDS
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OF SELF HELP BOOKS?
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BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK.
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INDIA'S HAD THE SPIRITUAL
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FULFILLMENT CRAP FOREVER AND
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LAST TIME I CHECKED IT'S STILL
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THE GROSSEST PLACE ON EARTH.
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MEDICATION WAS ONLY INVENTED SO
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HOLLYWOOD COULD NAP WITHOUT
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SEEMING LAZY.
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YOGA'S STUPID TOO.
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IT'S NOT A WORKOUT IT'S A WAY TO
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JUSTIFY DRINKING CARAMEL MOCHA
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FRAPPUCCINO'S EVERY DAY.
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YOU'RE NOT GOING TO YOGA IT AWAY
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SO BEFORE YOU TURN YOURSELF INTO
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A PIN CUSHION SEE A DOCTOR
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THAT'S NOT A DREAM CATCHER.
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IF YOU HEAR A GIRL BABBLING
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ABOUT HER CHAKRAS THERE'S A 95%
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CHANCE SHE'LL LET YOU FINGER HER
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UNFORTUNATELY HER UNSHAVED
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SNATCH WILL SMELL WORSE THAN THE
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PATCHOULI HE'S BURNING.
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NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I CHECK OUT
264
00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,027
OF THE CONVERSATION BUT I STILL
265
00:10:18,033 --> 00:10:21,373
NEED TO FIND OUT IF PAUL IS FULL
266
00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:26,927
OF PATCHOULI CENTED INCENSE.
267
00:10:26,933 --> 00:10:30,603
I BROUGHT HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR
268
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:47,330
THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
269
00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:48,173
>> HI, DANIEL.
270
00:10:48,167 --> 00:11:07,767
I'M PAUL.
271
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:17,597
[ NATIONAL ANTHEM ]
272
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,470
>> Tosh: NICE TO MEET YOU PAUL.
273
00:11:19,467 --> 00:11:21,327
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
274
00:11:21,333 --> 00:11:23,073
>> Tosh: WHERE YOU FROM?
275
00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:23,927
>> U.K.
276
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,303
>> Tosh: WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN
277
00:11:25,300 --> 00:11:26,070
THE VIDEO?
278
00:11:26,067 --> 00:11:28,597
>> HELPING PEOPLE GET INTO THEIR
279
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,070
POWER TO CREATE A DEFENSIVE
280
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,367
SHIELD AROUND THEMSELVES.
281
00:11:31,367 --> 00:11:32,297
>> Tosh: IS IT A CAMP?
282
00:11:32,300 --> 00:11:35,270
>> IT'S LIKE A TWO-WEEK CAMP FOR
283
00:11:35,267 --> 00:11:36,367
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT.
284
00:11:36,367 --> 00:11:37,567
>> Tosh: BASICALLY ONE CLASS IS
285
00:11:37,567 --> 00:11:38,197
FORCE FIELDS.
286
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,270
>> YEAH.
287
00:11:39,267 --> 00:11:41,367
>> Tosh: I'D SIGN UP FOR THAT.
288
00:11:41,367 --> 00:11:43,267
WHAT WENT WRONG IN THAT VIDEO?
289
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,467
>> SHE DIDN'T DO WHAT SHE WAS
290
00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:48,297
INSTRUCTED.
291
00:11:48,300 --> 00:11:49,670
>> Tosh: WAS IT HER FAULT SHE
292
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:50,767
JUST DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION?
293
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:53,567
>> NO, SHE WAS DOING A LIFE LONG
294
00:11:53,567 --> 00:11:56,927
COMMITMENT TO THE VICTIM
295
00:11:56,933 --> 00:11:57,533
STRATEGY.
296
00:11:57,533 --> 00:11:58,303
FOR ME EVERYTHING BAD HAPPENS TO
297
00:11:58,300 --> 00:12:00,630
ME.
298
00:12:00,633 --> 00:12:02,073
>> Tosh: YOU DID WAIT A MINUTE
299
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:03,897
AND THEN YOU STARTED TO SHAKE.
300
00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:04,500
>> YES.
301
00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:05,870
>> Tosh: WHAT WAS THAT ABOUT?
302
00:12:05,867 --> 00:12:07,697
>> WHEN YOU'RE VERY FRIGHTENED
303
00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:09,900
PEOPLE SHAKE TO GET RID OF THE
304
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:16,970
>> IT WORKS GREAT, DOESN'T IT?
305
00:12:16,967 --> 00:12:18,697
>> IN ORDER TO BE ABLE TO ATTACK
306
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:20,700
SOMEONE IS A CHANNEL A MURDER
307
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:21,600
INTO MY BODY --
308
00:12:21,600 --> 00:12:22,930
>> Tosh: A MURDER?
309
00:12:22,933 --> 00:12:24,333
>> BECAUSE THEN I'M REALLY GOING
310
00:12:24,333 --> 00:12:25,633
TO GO FOR THEM.
311
00:12:25,633 --> 00:12:27,803
>> Tosh: ANY MURDER OR A
312
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:28,870
SPECIFIC MURDER.
313
00:12:28,867 --> 00:12:32,497
>> YES, SPECIFIC.
314
00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:34,170
>> Tosh: NO, I DON'T WANT TO --
315
00:12:34,167 --> 00:12:37,167
>> MANSON ACTUALLY.
316
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:40,597
THIS IS A SAFE DISTANCE BUT AS I
317
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:43,870
MOVE CLOSER THEN -- THIS IS
318
00:12:43,867 --> 00:12:45,067
GETTING A LITTLE INTIMATE AND AS
319
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:47,767
WE COME CLOSER THINGS ARE
320
00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:48,927
HAPPENINGIN SIDE YOU BECAUSE
321
00:12:48,933 --> 00:12:50,303
THIS IS INTO YOUR FORCE FIELD.
322
00:12:50,300 --> 00:12:51,570
>> Tosh: ACTUALLY, THIS IS
323
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:52,327
COMFORTABLE.
324
00:12:52,333 --> 00:12:53,133
WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE SIGN UP TO
325
00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:53,973
TAKE YOUR LESSON?
326
00:12:53,967 --> 00:12:56,097
>> IT REALLY VARIES.
327
00:12:56,100 --> 00:12:58,570
ONE OF THE FIRST GROUPS IN
328
00:12:58,567 --> 00:13:00,497
SWEDEN A BLACK AMERICAN CAME
329
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,770
FROM THE STATES TO JOIN US.
330
00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:04,527
>> Tosh: THEY'RE PRETTY GULLIBLE
331
00:13:04,533 --> 00:13:05,303
-- AMERICANS.
332
00:13:05,300 --> 00:13:05,730
>> OKAY.
333
00:13:05,733 --> 00:13:07,573
>> Tosh: WHAT DID YOU THINK I
334
00:13:07,567 --> 00:13:08,127
MEANT?
335
00:13:08,133 --> 00:13:08,903
[LAUGHTER]
336
00:13:08,900 --> 00:13:09,730
>> Tosh: YOU FORCE THE FORCE
337
00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:11,633
FIELD INSTEAD OF WEARING A
338
00:13:11,633 --> 00:13:12,233
CONDOM.
339
00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:13,633
>> I'VE TRIED THAT.
340
00:13:13,633 --> 00:13:15,133
WE'VE NEVER USED PROTECTION AND
341
00:13:15,133 --> 00:13:16,373
ONLY HAD A CHILD ONCE SO IT
342
00:13:16,367 --> 00:13:17,397
SEEMS TO WORK.
343
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:17,830
>> Tosh: OKAY.
344
00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,173
I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD GAMBLE
345
00:13:19,167 --> 00:13:20,327
WITH THAT BUT I'M GOING TO GO
346
00:13:20,333 --> 00:13:22,073
CHANGE SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE A
347
00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:24,267
COMPLETE IDIOT WHEN I'M MAKING
348
00:13:24,267 --> 00:13:25,297
MY FIRST FORCE FIELD.
349
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:25,970
>> OKAY.
350
00:13:25,967 --> 00:13:30,927
YOU READY FOR A CRAZY
351
00:13:30,933 --> 00:13:32,333
EXPERIENCE?
352
00:13:32,333 --> 00:13:34,073
>> Tosh: YES, I'M A LITTLE
353
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:34,497
NERVOUS.
354
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:35,670
>> NO, THAT'S GOOD.
355
00:13:35,667 --> 00:13:36,427
YOU'RE HERE AND NOW.
356
00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:37,433
TUCK YOUR T-SHIRT IN.
357
00:13:37,433 --> 00:13:39,433
>> Tosh: THAT LOOKS SO STUPID.
358
00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:42,773
>> PUT YOUR HANDS ON MY ANKLES
359
00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:44,167
AND SIT DOWN LIKE IN A CHAIR.
360
00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:45,297
STRAIGHT DOWN.
361
00:13:45,300 --> 00:13:46,600
ARE YOU COMFORTABLE?
362
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,330
>> Tosh: YEAH.
363
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:48,673
>> GOOD.
364
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,067
CLOSE YOUR EYES, DROP YOUR HEAD
365
00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:51,897
ALL THE WAY BACK AND LET YOUR
366
00:13:51,900 --> 00:13:52,630
BODY GO.
367
00:13:52,633 --> 00:13:54,073
PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR ANKLES
368
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:58,967
AND ENJOY.
369
00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:03,627
>> Tosh: SORRY TO HURT MY SIDE.
370
00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:04,303
>> OKAY.
371
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:05,370
WE'RE BLOWING OUT ALL THE
372
00:14:05,367 --> 00:14:08,127
NEGATIVE STUFF AND BRING YOUR
373
00:14:08,133 --> 00:14:09,573
ARMS UP WHATEVER ENERGY YOU'D
374
00:14:09,567 --> 00:14:11,097
THINK YOU'D LIKE IN YOUR BODY
375
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:15,200
AND LOCK IT IN YOUR TUMMY AND A
376
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:20,230
FORCE YOU'LL BLAST AND BLOW AWAY
377
00:14:20,233 --> 00:14:20,573
AND --
378
00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:20,967
[ YELLING ]
379
00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:21,497
>> OKAY.
380
00:14:21,500 --> 00:14:23,670
LET'S DO THAT A FEW TIMES.
381
00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:25,767
[ SCREAMING ]
382
00:14:25,767 --> 00:14:30,467
>> BREATHE IN THE SUNSHINE.
383
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:31,597
YEAH!
384
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,300
YEAH!
385
00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:36,070
WHOA, GOOD.
386
00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,427
>> Tosh: I'M NOT SURE I'LL EVER
387
00:14:37,433 --> 00:14:39,833
BE ABLE TO HARNESS THE POWER BUT
388
00:14:39,833 --> 00:14:41,073
I'M CONFIDENT YOU ARE.
389
00:14:41,067 --> 00:14:42,527
SO MUCH I'M WILLING TO PUT MY
390
00:14:42,533 --> 00:14:43,803
LIFE ON THE LINE.
391
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,130
YOU READY?
392
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:46,903
>> I'M READY.
393
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:48,300
I'M READY, NOW.
394
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:49,900
>> Tosh: ARE YOU SURE?
395
00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:50,770
>> I'M SURE.
396
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:51,897
>> Tosh: I'M NOT GOING TO STOP.
397
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,530
>> I'LL STOP YOU.
398
00:14:53,533 --> 00:14:55,733
>> Tosh: WE'RE REALLY HIGH UP.
399
00:14:55,733 --> 00:14:56,603
>> YEAH.
400
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,800
>> Tosh: I'M SERIOUS.
401
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,270
>> I HOPE SO.
402
00:14:59,267 --> 00:15:18,627
>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.
403
00:15:18,633 --> 00:15:20,073
>> TWO MEN WILL FALL FROM THE
404
00:15:20,067 --> 00:15:25,667
SKY AND KILL US.
405
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:28,097
>> YOU OKAY?
406
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,630
>> I'M OKAY.
407
00:15:29,633 --> 00:15:31,073
>> Tosh: I THINK WE KILLED THEM.
408
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:35,597
>> YAY, JULIE.
409
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:39,630
>> QUICK, START SHAKING.
410
00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:40,203
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
411
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,070
>> Tosh: IF YOU'VE EVER SPENT
412
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:42,697
MONEY ON A FORTUNE TELLER YOU
413
00:15:42,700 --> 00:15:44,430
DESERVE TO DIE.
414
00:15:44,433 --> 00:15:45,773
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
415
00:15:45,767 --> 00:15:47,427
OVER THE NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK
416
00:15:47,433 --> 00:15:50,133
I'D LIKE TO ALL TO WORK ON THIS.
417
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:53,173
>> I'M JULIE AND I'M GOING TO
418
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,067
DEMONSTRATE SHY LAUGHTER FOR
419
00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,267
YOU.
420
00:15:56,267 --> 00:15:57,927
WE PUT UP OUR HANDS AND PUT THEM
421
00:15:57,933 --> 00:15:59,373
UP TO YOUR FACE AND WHATEVER YOU
422
00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:01,497
NEED TO DO TO ACT SHY AND LAUGH
423
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,830
YOU DON'T WANT ANYONE TO SEE YOU
424
00:16:02,833 --> 00:16:04,833
AND YOU DON'T LOOK AT THEM SO
425
00:16:04,833 --> 00:16:16,573
YOU LAUGH.
426
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:17,497
NOW, LET'S DO THAT ALL TOGETHER.
427
00:16:21,467 --> 00:16:27,297
>> YEAH!
428
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:39,070
[LAUGHTER]
429
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,797
>> WHO SAYS THE PARENTS DON'T
430
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,600
TEACH THEIR KIDS EVERYTHING.
431
00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,530
>> Tosh: THAT'S JUST THE YOU BE
432
00:16:44,533 --> 00:16:45,933
THE YOU.
433
00:16:45,933 --> 00:16:47,333
UNCLE LUKE WOULD BE SO PROUD.
434
00:16:47,333 --> 00:16:49,073
OH.
435
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,667
HE PROBABLY GETS TO GO DOWN ON
436
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:54,067
HIS BABYSITTER IN THE PORTO
437
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:54,497
JOHN.
438
00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:55,800
IN HIS DEFENSE IT'S HARD TO
439
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,430
DRINK OUT OF THE TINY CAPRI SUN
440
00:16:59,433 --> 00:17:00,073
STRAW.
441
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:02,327
THE KID COUNT HANDLE THE SOUTH
442
00:17:02,333 --> 00:17:04,303
BEACH LIFESTYLE AND TRANSFERRED
443
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,070
TO THE BACKWOODS OF TUSCALOOSA.
444
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:09,867
I BET HE GOT COOTIES FROM HIS
445
00:17:09,867 --> 00:17:10,297
SISTER.
446
00:17:10,300 --> 00:17:11,700
BELIEVE OR NOT HE GRADUATED WITH
447
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,500
THREE HONORS AND UNDER THREE
448
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,430
WEEKS BECAUSE HE COULD SMELL
449
00:17:14,433 --> 00:17:15,773
MOST OF HIS NAME AND THEN HEADED
450
00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,767
TO THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN.
451
00:17:18,767 --> 00:17:20,067
WHERE YOU EITHER HAVE TO WEAR A
452
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:21,967
JACKET ALL THE TIME OR GET DRUNK
453
00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:26,297
ENOUGH TO FORGET IT'S 6 DEGREES
454
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:31,800
AT 2:00 P.M. THEN HE SWITCHED
455
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:36,070
MAJORS AND TRANSFERRED 20
456
00:17:36,067 --> 00:17:36,667
COLORADO.
457
00:17:36,667 --> 00:17:38,597
THEY CHANT CU YET IT'S THE
458
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:39,600
UNIVERSITY OF COLORADO.
459
00:17:39,600 --> 00:17:40,730
YOU GUYS ARE SMOKING A LITTLE
460
00:17:40,733 --> 00:17:43,073
TOO MUCH.
461
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,227
I WOULD TOO.
462
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:45,873
CORDEL STEWART WAS THE LAST
463
00:17:45,867 --> 00:17:47,827
FOOTBALL PLAYER THAT MEANT
464
00:17:47,833 --> 00:17:48,603
ANYTHING.
465
00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:49,900
THANKFULLY THE KID GOT OUT OF
466
00:17:49,900 --> 00:17:51,730
DODGE AND WENT THROUGH AN
467
00:17:51,733 --> 00:17:54,633
EXPERIMENTAL THEATRE BOY PHASES
468
00:17:54,633 --> 00:17:56,303
WHERE YOU WEAR YOUR MOM'S SHOES
469
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,430
AROUND THE HOUSE AND SIGNED UP
470
00:17:57,433 --> 00:17:59,173
FOR A SUMMER SESSION AT NYU.
471
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:00,697
HE LEFT BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT
472
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:02,870
TO MOVE TO BROOKLYN TO START HIS
473
00:18:02,867 --> 00:18:05,827
OWN SUSTAINABLE ROOF TOP GARDEN.
474
00:18:05,833 --> 00:18:07,703
AT THIS POINT NO CREDITS
475
00:18:07,700 --> 00:18:09,070
TRANSFERRED AND HA TO MAKE A
476
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:10,327
FRESH START WITH THE SOGGY
477
00:18:10,333 --> 00:18:12,703
HIPSTERS IN SEATTLE.
478
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,530
THERE'S NO HAPPY ENDING.
479
00:18:14,533 --> 00:18:17,973
FROM HERE HE WENT ON TO CULINARY
480
00:18:17,967 --> 00:18:20,697
SCHOOL AND AS SO MANY HEROIN
481
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:21,600
ADDICTS DO.
482
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:22,130
THE END.
483
00:18:22,133 --> 00:18:23,273
ALL RIGHT.
484
00:18:23,267 --> 00:18:25,627
NOW IT'S TIME FOR OUR VIEWER
485
00:18:25,633 --> 00:18:26,173
VIDEO.
486
00:18:26,167 --> 00:18:29,197
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
487
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,500
>> LOOK AT THIS.
488
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,070
LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL DRESS.
489
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,667
WAIT A SECOND, IT'S NOT ACTUALLY
490
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:36,067
A DRESS.
491
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:43,797
IT'S A PANTSUIT.
492
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,230
[**]
493
00:18:46,233 --> 00:18:51,973
* IT'S A PANTSUIT *
494
00:18:51,967 --> 00:18:56,497
* IT'S A PANTSUIT *
495
00:18:56,500 --> 00:18:58,330
>> Tosh: CUT IT OFF THE KNEES
496
00:18:58,333 --> 00:18:59,333
AND IT'S A ROMPER.
497
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:00,273
IT'S A ROMPER.
498
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:01,597
IT'S A ROMPER.
499
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:04,070
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
500
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:04,597
SPORTS JERK NBA.
501
00:19:13,233 --> 00:19:14,433
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
502
00:19:14,433 --> 00:19:16,333
IF YOU'RE WATCHING THIS ON AN
503
00:19:16,333 --> 00:19:19,073
AIRPLANE CONGRATULATIONS YOUR
504
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:20,567
NOT ON SOUTHWEST.
505
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:26,197
INTERSECTI
506
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:29,400
NEXT WEEK WE YUCK IT UP WITH
507
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:30,630
THIS COMPET TIR EATER.
508
00:19:30,633 --> 00:19:32,273
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER WHERE I
509
00:19:32,267 --> 00:19:34,727
CREATE MASTER PIECES ON 240
510
00:19:34,733 --> 00:19:36,473
CHARACTERS AT A TIME AND IF
511
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:37,827
THAT'S TOO CUTTING EDGE KEEP UP
512
00:19:37,833 --> 00:19:40,973
WITH OUR BLOG.
513
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,067
THERE'S A NEW EPISODE OF BRICK
514
00:19:43,067 --> 00:19:45,267
BERRY COMING UP NEXT AND PLEASED
515
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:47,427
TO BRAG ABOUT MY TAX WRITEOFF, I
516
00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:49,903
MEAN CHARITY SHOW.
517
00:19:49,900 --> 00:19:51,930
THE THIRD ANNUAL TOSH SAVE THE
518
00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:55,703
WORLD IS IN SANTA ROSA FEATURING
519
00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:59,700
T.B.D.
520
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:01,930
MAYBE KUMAIL NANJIANI AND RORY
521
00:20:01,933 --> 00:20:05,173
SCOVEL AND TONS AND TONS OF
522
00:20:05,167 --> 00:20:08,967
OTHER TALENTED COMEDIANS THAT
523
00:20:08,967 --> 00:20:12,167
HAVE NOT SAID YES YET.
524
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:15,927
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE
525
00:20:15,933 --> 00:20:17,473
UNFORTUNATE HIGH SCHOOL NAME OF
526
00:20:17,467 --> 00:20:23,927
THE WEEK.
527
00:20:23,933 --> 00:20:24,973
ANALY HIGH SCHOOL.
528
00:20:24,967 --> 00:20:26,867
IT'S THE ONLY HIGH SCHOOL WHERE
529
00:20:26,867 --> 00:20:28,697
THE MAIN ENTRANCE IS IN THE
530
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:29,170
REAR.
531
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:30,197
THE FOOTBALL TEAM IS PROBABLY
532
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:33,000
CALLED THE RED RAIDERS NAPE
533
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,370
SPECIALIZE IN BACKSIDE PRESSURE
534
00:20:34,367 --> 00:20:35,667
AND THEY'LL TEAR YOUR ASS UP.
535
00:20:35,667 --> 00:20:37,967
YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO CHECK OUT ONE
536
00:20:37,967 --> 00:20:41,327
OF THEIR LEGENDRY POOP RALLIES.
537
00:20:41,333 --> 00:20:43,473
DUE TO PUTTING CUTS MOST OF THE
538
00:20:43,467 --> 00:20:44,597
TROMBONES IN THE BAND ARE RUSTY
539
00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:47,100
AND IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING THAT
540
00:20:47,100 --> 00:20:49,470
EVERY TEACHER IS A TUTOR.
541
00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:51,967
IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS LIKE
542
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:54,227
WHY DID YOU GUYS NAME YOUR HIGH
543
00:20:54,233 --> 00:20:58,033
SCHOOL THAT FLOAT AN AIR BISCUIT
544
00:20:58,033 --> 00:21:03,633
TO THE PRINCIPAL H.M. ROID AND
545
00:21:03,633 --> 00:21:06,103
SCHOOL'S CANCELLED NEXT WEEK TO
546
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:07,230
THEY CAN BLEACH IT.
547
00:21:07,233 --> 00:21:08,873
CLASS IS DISMISSED.
548
00:21:08,867 --> 00:21:17,497
GOOD NIGHT.
549
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:18,900
>> AND NOW IMAGINE LOVE COMING
550
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:20,870
OUT OF YOUR HEART AND DOWN YOUR
551
00:21:20,867 --> 00:21:21,297
ARM.
552
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:22,370
PUT ONE HAND HERE AND THERE.
553
00:21:22,367 --> 00:21:23,897
>> Tosh: WHAT COUNTRY DID YOU
554
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,070
GET THIS GUY FROM?
555
00:21:25,067 --> 00:21:26,727
>> HE'S GOING TO SEE IF HE CAN
34717
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