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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: FIVE SECONDS INTO MY
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SHOWS AND MY IT'S MORE
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INTERESTING THAN GORDON LEVITT'S
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DON JON.
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NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH A GUY
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WATCH PORN.
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ONCE AGAIN I WAS SNUBBED BY THE
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EMMYS BUT IT CAN'T MEAN I CAN'T
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THANK THE PEOPLE WHO THEY CAN
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THE SHOW A SUCCESS.
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BIG THANKS TO ME.
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THAT'S IT.
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THE REST OF YOU CAN BE CONSUMED
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BY A BALL OF FIRE AND THE SHOW
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WOULDN'T MISS A BEAT.
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HELL, IF YOU FILMED THE SHOW
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MIGHT BE BETTER.
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TAKE YOUR MDMA NOW SO IT KICKS
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IN FOR THE DJ REDEMPTION.
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WE PLAY THE MOST ROMANTIC GAME
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OF IS IS RACEST YET AND LET MY
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FANS RAISE MY OFFSPRING.
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NOW, LET'S SEE HOW VEHICULAR
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MANSLAUGHTER CAN BE CONSENSUAL.
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ZIMMERMAN!
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NOT BAD FOR SOMEONE WITH 40
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POUNDS OF UNWASHED HAIR WEIGHING
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THEM NOW.
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STYLE POINTS FOR KEEPING THE
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SHADES ON.
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MISSES PAC-MAN'S GOING TO LOSE
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HER MIND SHE SEES THE VIDEO AND
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YEAH, I SAID MISSES.
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THEY SHOULD BE MARRIED BY NOW.
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LEAVE IT TO AN AMERICAN TO
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FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE A
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TREADMILL TO GET FATTER.
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IT'S ENDORSED BY KHLOE AND ROB
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KARDASHIAN.
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A REAL MAN USES RITZ BITZ WITH
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PEANUT BUTTER NOT CHEESE.
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>> Tosh: EVEN MORE IMPRESSIVE
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WHEN YOU KNOW I HAVE A DEADLY
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PEANUT ALLERGY.
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KIGD.
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I'M NOT ONE OF THOSE NERDS.
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THERE'S NOTHING DANGEROUS ABOUT
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A GUN WHEN IT'S IN THE HANDS OF
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A TRAINED WEAPONS EXPERT.
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>> YOU KNOW THE TRILOGY, THEY
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HAVE A SIDE THING THIS ONE HAS
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ONE FROM THE BOTTOM.
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ALSO THE WEAPON HAS THIS COOL
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FEATURE WHERE YOU PRESS THE
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TRIGGER DOWN AND YOU CAN -- AND
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ONCE YOU PRESS IT DOWN AND PULL
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IT UP --
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>> Tosh: ZIMMERMAN!
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: HE'S MURDERED HIS
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SECURITY DEPOSIT.
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>> ONCE YOU PRESS THIS DOWN AND
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PULL IT UP --
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>> Tosh: DON'T LOOK AT IT AS
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ALMOST LOSING YOUR LIFE BUT
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GAINING A SKYLIGHT.
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AT LEAST YOUR UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR
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ISN'T ALIVE TO MAKE A NOISE
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COMPLAINT.
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HOW COME HE DIDN'T LOOK UP OR
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NOTHING FELL FROM THE CEILING?
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT.
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RARELY DO YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT
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TO HAPPEN ON THE ROAD.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: NEVER CUT OFF MAGNETO.
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ALL RIGHT.
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YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO DRAMATIC
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ABOUT IT.
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MAYBE THAT'S WHY SHE WAS TRYING
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TO GO.
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SHE.
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SHE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: AH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
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I'M A BIT OF A HONKAHOLIC MYSELF
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I HOPE I NEVER CAUSE ANY
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ACCIDENTS THOUGH.
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[ HONKING ]
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: MORNING, GIRLS.
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WHAT HE HAD YOU WANT TO HAPPEN
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YOU MONSTERS?
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SOMETIME SCETCHES PETER OUT
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THAT'S THE FINAL JOKE.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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YOU GOT THIS.
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THE LORD IS HIS SPOTTER.
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NOW LET'S SEE IT'S ALWAYS SAFER
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TO BE ON STEROIDS IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOT TO GET A
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PUMP.
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DON'T BE TOO IMPRESSED HE'S
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USING A PLASTIC FISHER PRICE MY
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FIRST DUMMBELL SETS.
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IT'S ONLY 50 POUNDS.
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THIS IS WHY I DON'T WORK OUT AND
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BECAUSE I WAS BLESSED WITH
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COMEDIC TIMING WHICH ALWAYS
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TRUMS
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A GOOD BODY.
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AM I RIGHT, LADIES.
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EASY, WHORE.
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LOOKS LIKE PEYTON MANNING HAVING
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A STROKE.
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DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE.
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YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS WHEN THE
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FIRST PARENT YOU CALL FOR IS
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DAD.
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HE DOES NOT LIKE TO BE
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DISTURBED.
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YOUR DAD'S GENES DLAETD WEAK
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BODY.
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MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL FOR YOUR
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NEIGHBOR'S DAD INSTEAD.
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MOM, CAN YOU GET DAD?
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UNLESS YOUR MOM IS SERENA
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WILLIAMS YOU'RE GOING TO BE
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THERE A WHILE.
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IS HE RESTING THE BAR ON HIS
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HEAD?
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HIS SKULL IS GOING TO BE SO
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RIPPED.
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>> I NEED HELP.
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>> HIS OLDER BROTHER DENNY WOULD
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BE AROUND TO SPOT HIM BUT HE
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DIED DOING THE EXACT SAME THING
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FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY.
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>> MOM.
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>> Tosh: YOUR BETTER OFF YELLING
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FOR FREDDY KRUGER MAYBE HE'LL
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COME FROM BEHIND THE ANCIENT
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BOILER.
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WHY'S IS SO BIG?
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IS HE LIVING IN AN ORPHANAGE?
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MAYBE THAT'S WHY HIS PARENTS
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DON'T ANSWER.
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THIS IS A SAD BREAKDOWN.
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>> MOM!
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HELP!
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HELP!
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>> Tosh: MAYBE HE'D HAVE MORE
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SUCCESS WITH A ZUMBA CLASS.
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RACK YOUR WEIGHTS.
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WHAT DO YOU SAY TOMORROW WE
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SHOOT FOR ONE FULL REP.
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FEAR OF DEATH BURNS A TON OF
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CALORIES AND FOR THAT WE THANK
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YOU.
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FIRST, IT'S BEEN A WHILE WORTHY
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OF THE PRANK OF THE WEEK.
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THIS ONE IS SPECIAL.
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>> TELL ME IF YOU TASTE ANY
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SOAP.
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PUT IT ON YOUR TONGUE.
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TASTE ANY SOAP?
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>> NO.
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>> WHAT'S IT LIKE SUCKING --
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>> YEAH, BEFORE WE NEED ALL THE
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TENS.
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WE NEED TO GET IT UP TO A TEN.
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I NEED EVERYBODY JUMPING.
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JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP.
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MAKE IS RAIN.
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WE'RE OUT OF TIME ON 6.9.
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WE NEED IT UP TO A TEN.
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ROLL, BABY.
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WE AT ABOUT A 9.5.
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WE GOT LIKE 0.5 LEFT TO GO.
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I NEED EVERYBODY JUMPING.
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>> Tosh: DJ A.M. IS SPINNING IN
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HIS GRAVE.
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THAT'S LUKE AND HE WAS PLAYING
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TO A CROWD OF IMAGINARY PEOPLE.
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IT PROVES THERE'S MORE TO HOUSE
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MUSIC.
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WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO PLAY $9
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PANTS AT H AND M, DJ'S ARE
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EVERYWHERE.
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IT'S THE ONLY JOB WHERE
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BLATANTLY STEALING CONTENT FROM
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THE INTERNET IS REQUIRED.
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YOU'RE NOT HACKING INTO THE
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MAINFRAME OF THE PENTAGON.
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YOU TAKE TWO POPULAR SONGS AND
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MASH THEM INTO ONE GOD AWFUL
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13-MINUTE SEIZURE STARTER.
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IT'S 4:00 A.M.
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GO TO BED.
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THERE'S NO WAY THE LAPTOP IS
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PROVIDING VITAMIN D.
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AND CALM DOWN ABOUT DAFT PUNK.
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THEY'RE LAZY FRENCH DUDES THAT
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DRESS UP LIKE ROBOTS.
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IF THEY WERE SO GREAT THEY
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WOULDN'T NEED PHARRELL.
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LAY DOWN A BEAT YOUR AUDIENCE
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CAN GRIND THEIR TEETH TOO.
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LUKE HAS EVERYTHING IT TAKES TO
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BE A SUCCESSFUL DJ.
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HE'S WHITE, SKINNY AND HAS NO
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IDEA HOW TO MAKE MUSIC.
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THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT HIM TO
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HOLLYWOOD TO SCREAM GO DJ,
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THAT'S MY DJ IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
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REDEMPTION.
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>> HEY, DANIEL YOU SHOP HERE
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TOO?
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>> Tosh: SHOP?
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NO.
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THEY HAVE GREAT WI-FI WHERE I
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TEAR MY MUSIC.
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I'M SICK OF THE MOM AND POP
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SHOPS TAKING JOBS FROM CHINESE
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CHILDREN.
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THEY'RE CHILDREN.
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LUKE?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
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>> 17.
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>> Tosh: HOW LONG AGO WAS THE
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VIDEO?
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>> TWO YEARS AGO.
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>> Tosh: HAVE YOU GOTTEN BETTER
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AT DJING?
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>> YES.
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>> Tosh: WHO MADE THE VIDEO?
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>> MY FRIEND.
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>> Tosh: FOR WHO?
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>> TO GIVE TO MY FANS I DIDN'T
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HAVE.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S NICE OF YOU.
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>> SOMEBODY STARTED TWEETED AND
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IT WENT ALL OVER THE PLACE.
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>> Tosh: DID IT BOTHER YOU IT
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GOT POPULAR BECAUSE THEY SAID
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WITH YOU WERE THE WORSE DJ.
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>> UPSET.
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>> Tosh: WERE YOU SURPRISED OR
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SHOCKED WHEN I DED MOUSE WROTE
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AT YOU.
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YOU'RE A KID HAVING A GOOD TIME
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AND ALL THESE DJ ARE TRASHING
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FOR NO REASON.
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>> CRACKED.
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>> Tosh: DO YOU LIKE HIS MUSIC?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Tosh: DO YOU IS A GIMMICK
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LIKE THAT?
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>> NO, I WEAR SKINNY JEANS WITH
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TANK TOP.
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>> Tosh: WHAT SIZE ARE YOU?
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>> I DON'T KNOW.
267
00:11:06,467 --> 00:11:08,767
>> Tosh: LET ME FEEL YOU.
268
00:11:08,767 --> 00:11:09,627
LIKE 32.
269
00:11:09,633 --> 00:11:10,803
>> HOW'D YOU KNOW?
270
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:13,530
>> Tosh: I'VE FELT A WILL THE OF
271
00:11:13,533 --> 00:11:13,973
BOYS.
272
00:11:13,967 --> 00:11:16,297
DO YOU PLAY ANY REAL MUSIC?
273
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,070
>> MY iPHONE'S NOT AN
274
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:19,597
INSTRUMENT.
275
00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:20,970
>> Tosh: NO, IT'S NOT.
276
00:11:20,967 --> 00:11:22,767
I'M GLAD YOU TOOK THAT LONG TO
277
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:23,197
THINK.
278
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,830
I DON'T THINK IT COUNTS.
279
00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:32,533
AS A DJ, BE HONEST HAVE YOU EVER
280
00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:34,603
THROWN IT ON YOUR SHUFFLE
281
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:37,200
>> NO, MAYBE IF WE WERE AT ABOUT
282
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,400
A 4.5.
283
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,630
>> Tosh: IS THAT A REAL SCALE?
284
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:41,803
>> YES.
285
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,070
>> Tosh: DO YOU ROUND UP OR IS
286
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,067
THAT AGAINST THE RULES.
287
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,827
>> YOU CAN ROUND UP IF YOU'RE
288
00:11:45,833 --> 00:11:50,073
LIKE AT A 4.5 AND IF YOU SAY 6.5
289
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,167
THEY MAY ROUND UP.
290
00:11:51,167 --> 00:11:54,527
>> Tosh: SO ROUNDING UP FROM 4.5
291
00:11:54,533 --> 00:11:58,673
IS 6.5.
292
00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:02,127
HOW ABOUT LOSE THE DECIMAL.
293
00:12:02,133 --> 00:12:04,273
WHY WOULD YOU SKIP 5?
294
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:06,697
HAS A DJ EVER BROUGHT IT UP TO A
295
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:10,200
10 ALONE IN A BASEMENT.
296
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:10,930
>> NO.
297
00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:13,303
>> Tosh: I JUST OPENED UP A NEW
298
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:16,930
CLUB AND NEED A RESIDENT DJ FOR
299
00:12:16,933 --> 00:12:17,533
TUESDAYS.
300
00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:18,273
YOU INTERESTED?
301
00:12:18,267 --> 00:12:22,197
>> YEAH, WHERE IS IT, VEGAS?
302
00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:23,430
>> Tosh: NO.
303
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:26,373
I'VE HAD MY TEAM TURNING YOUR
304
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:28,527
BASEMENT INTO THE HOTTEST CLUB
305
00:12:28,533 --> 00:12:29,503
IN AMERICA.
306
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,300
IT'S GOING TO BE BEAUTIFUL.
307
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:37,130
NOW WE JUST NEED A HOT CELEBRITY
308
00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:37,933
HOST.
309
00:12:37,933 --> 00:12:38,873
IDEA?
310
00:12:38,867 --> 00:12:47,427
>> Reporter: SELENA GOMEZ.
311
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:51,433
>> Tosh: HER EYES ARE CLOSE
312
00:12:51,433 --> 00:12:51,973
TOGETHER.
313
00:12:51,967 --> 00:12:54,067
>> SHE LOOKS YOUNG.
314
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:57,227
>> Tosh: WE HAVE A STRICT
315
00:12:57,233 --> 00:12:57,733
POLICY.
316
00:12:57,733 --> 00:13:00,233
FEMALES 18 TO 20 ONLY AND
317
00:13:00,233 --> 00:13:03,703
38-YEAR-OLD DUDES.
318
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:04,470
>> WHOA.
319
00:13:04,467 --> 00:13:07,197
>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT GOING
320
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:07,700
HAPPEN.
321
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:09,130
>> GOOD LUCK TONIGHT, LUKE.
322
00:13:09,133 --> 00:13:11,073
>> Tosh: LET'S GO, LUKE.
323
00:13:11,067 --> 00:13:15,897
DJ JIM BAKO HAS THE DOPEST BEAT.
324
00:13:15,900 --> 00:13:18,500
>> YOU GUYS ARE BEAUTIFUL.
325
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:20,370
SHOW YOUR WRISTBAND TO GET A
326
00:13:20,367 --> 00:13:21,727
FREE ORDER OF SEASONED CURLY
327
00:13:21,733 --> 00:13:23,103
FRIES.
328
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:24,630
>> Tosh: HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING
329
00:13:24,633 --> 00:13:26,373
OUT THERE TONIGHT?
330
00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:26,827
OKAY.
331
00:13:26,833 --> 00:13:29,733
WE'RE GOING TO KEEP THIS PARTY
332
00:13:29,733 --> 00:13:32,373
GOING BUT FIRST PLEASE GIVE A
333
00:13:32,367 --> 00:13:35,427
ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR YOUR
334
00:13:35,433 --> 00:13:37,333
ELEGANT AND YOUNG CELEBRITY HOST
335
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,273
COURTNEY STADEN.
336
00:13:40,267 --> 00:13:44,667
LOOKING GOOD ON THE WASHING
337
00:13:44,667 --> 00:13:45,167
MACHINE.
338
00:13:45,167 --> 00:13:45,927
HAVE SHOES IN THERE.
339
00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:48,233
THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE THE SMILE ON
340
00:13:48,233 --> 00:13:49,073
YOUR FACE.
341
00:13:49,067 --> 00:13:50,697
OKAY, TIME FOR THE MAN YOU CAME
342
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:53,300
TO SEE, PUT YOUR MOSTLY
343
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:55,470
UNDERAGED HANDS TOGETHER IT'S
344
00:13:55,467 --> 00:13:59,867
TIME FOR DJ DECIMAL POINT.
345
00:13:59,867 --> 00:14:01,667
>> WE'RE AT A 0.0.
346
00:14:01,667 --> 00:14:05,097
WE GOT A LONG WAY TO GONE.
347
00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:09,070
-- TO GO.
348
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:16,427
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE AT A 3.33.
349
00:14:16,433 --> 00:14:21,373
ALL RIGHT, I NEED YOUR HELP.
350
00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:25,467
WE NEED TO FIND --
351
00:14:25,467 --> 00:14:27,767
>> HI, MOLLY.
352
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,867
>> MOLLY, YOUR MOM NEEDS YOU
353
00:14:29,867 --> 00:14:30,427
OUTSIDE.
354
00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:35,703
TIME TO GO HOME.
355
00:14:35,700 --> 00:14:36,430
[***]
356
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:40,703
>> UH OH, WE GOT AN AMBER ALERT
357
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:41,500
IN HERE.
358
00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:49,830
HALF OFF ALL BOTTLES.
359
00:14:49,833 --> 00:14:56,633
YOU'RE AT AN 8.1.
360
00:14:56,633 --> 00:14:57,273
9.9.
361
00:14:57,267 --> 00:15:06,067
WE'RE ALMOST THERE.
362
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:07,097
WE'RE AT A 10!
363
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:10,200
[CHEERING]
364
00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:11,070
>> IT'S 10:00.
365
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:13,527
EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO HOME.
366
00:15:13,533 --> 00:15:15,333
COURTNEY, I THINK YOUR DAD'S
367
00:15:15,333 --> 00:15:16,203
WAITING OUTSIDE.
368
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:20,970
>> THAT'S MY HUSBAND.
369
00:15:20,967 --> 00:15:23,867
>> Tosh: GUYS, I HAVE PUREL IF
370
00:15:23,867 --> 00:15:25,227
ANYONE TOUCHED COURTNEY AND NEXT
371
00:15:25,233 --> 00:15:31,573
WEEK I HAVE D TANNER.
372
00:15:31,567 --> 00:15:32,727
SHOULD BE A FULL HOUSE.
373
00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,073
>> Tosh: OF COURSE THAT GUY
374
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,597
LIKES YOUNG KIDS, HE'S A PENN
375
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:36,270
STATE GRAD.
376
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,627
CLASS OF '97.
377
00:15:37,633 --> 00:15:40,133
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
378
00:15:40,133 --> 00:15:44,803
WHAT THE [BLEEP], RICHARD.
379
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:45,830
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP], RICHARD.
380
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,800
>> AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR --
381
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,730
>> Tosh: PEOPLE LOOK TO ME TO
382
00:15:56,733 --> 00:15:57,903
DETERMINE WHETHER SOMETHING
383
00:15:57,900 --> 00:16:00,400
RACIST OR NOT AND A TAKE THAT
384
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:01,570
RESPONSIBILITY VERY SERIOUSLY.
385
00:16:01,567 --> 00:16:03,427
THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF DEBATE
386
00:16:03,433 --> 00:16:06,573
ABOUT THIS NEXT CLIP SO LET'S
387
00:16:06,567 --> 00:16:13,297
SEE ONCE AND FOR ALL AND FIND
388
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:19,070
OUT IF IT'S RACIST.
389
00:16:19,067 --> 00:16:19,597
OKAY.
390
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:19,900
SURE.
391
00:16:19,900 --> 00:16:21,270
RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE IT SEEMS
392
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:22,927
EXTREMELY RACIST.
393
00:16:22,933 --> 00:16:25,603
SHE WAS USUALLY USING A HARD R
394
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:27,970
BUT BEFORE YOU JUDGE, LETS HAVE
395
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:30,467
SOME CONTEXT.
396
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:33,097
>> WHO ARE YOU?
397
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:38,770
I'M GOOD.
398
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:45,127
FORGET ABOUT YOUR BLACK [BLEEP].
399
00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:47,773
IT'S MAKING MY [BLEEP] WET
400
00:16:47,767 --> 00:16:48,267
THOUGH.
401
00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:51,127
>> Tosh: THANK YOU FOR CLAIRE
402
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:53,533
CLARIFYING THE AMOUNT OF
403
00:16:53,533 --> 00:16:55,403
WETNESS.
404
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,530
IT IS POSSIBLE HER BOYFRIEND'S
405
00:16:58,533 --> 00:17:03,903
NAME IS NIG HOR.
406
00:17:03,900 --> 00:17:06,070
MAYBE SHE'S TURKISH.
407
00:17:06,067 --> 00:17:08,827
NOW I'M LEANING TOWARDS THE
408
00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:09,973
NON-RACIST CAMP.
409
00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:12,127
>> JUST A LITTLE WET WIPE.
410
00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:13,633
>> Tosh: TRADITIONALLY BLACK
411
00:17:13,633 --> 00:17:15,233
PEOPLE DON'T DO THAT.
412
00:17:15,233 --> 00:17:16,733
ALSO, I DON'T THINK HER [BLEEP]
413
00:17:16,733 --> 00:17:20,073
IS THAT LITTLE.
414
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:22,097
>> BUT YOU'RE GOING TO BEG FOR
415
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:25,130
IT.
416
00:17:25,133 --> 00:17:28,873
CAUSE I'M NOT GOING LET YOU
417
00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:30,067
STICK [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
418
00:17:30,067 --> 00:17:31,067
>> Tosh: DOES SHE PLAY FOR THE
419
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,227
EAGLES?
420
00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:34,303
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO USE SLURS
421
00:17:34,300 --> 00:17:36,370
TO DISTRACT PEOPLE FROM YOUR
422
00:17:36,367 --> 00:17:37,527
COMPLETE LACK OF NECK AND ONE
423
00:17:37,533 --> 00:17:38,333
GIANT EYE.
424
00:17:38,333 --> 00:17:42,073
I DON'T KNOW WHY SHE WOULD
425
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:43,627
ALIENATE THE ONLY DEMO THIS
426
00:17:43,633 --> 00:17:46,633
FINDS HER ATTRACTIVE.
427
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:49,073
SHE ALMOST LOST ME HERE BY
428
00:17:49,067 --> 00:17:50,467
SPEAKING TO THIS PERSON LIKE A
429
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:51,697
DOG BUT I'LL CHALK IT UP TO
430
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:53,400
DIRTY TALK.
431
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:54,830
IN FACT I CHALLENGE TO YOU FIND
432
00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:57,273
A BLACKMAN OFFENDED BY HER OFFER
433
00:17:57,267 --> 00:18:02,167
WHICH IS WHY I DEEM THE CLIP NOT
434
00:18:02,167 --> 00:18:03,067
RACIST.
435
00:18:03,067 --> 00:18:03,597
OKAY.
436
00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:04,900
TIME FOR OUR VIEWER VINE OF THE
437
00:18:04,900 --> 00:18:06,170
WEEK.
438
00:18:06,167 --> 00:18:14,167
[***]
439
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:15,967
>> Tosh: THE HARDEST THING OF
440
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:18,527
PULLING THAT OFF IS FINDING A
441
00:18:18,533 --> 00:18:29,803
STATION THAT STILL PLAYS NELLY.
442
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:31,200
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK, CASUAL
443
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:35,700
RE-RUN VIEWERS IN NOVEMBER OF
444
00:18:35,700 --> 00:18:36,200
2019.
445
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,400
I TRUST THE SKRILLEX REFERENCE
446
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,070
STOOD UP.
447
00:18:40,067 --> 00:18:41,567
WATCH ME REDEEM THE MOST
448
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:42,827
GULLIBLE MAN IN THE WORLD.
449
00:18:42,833 --> 00:18:45,703
>> HE SAYS HE LOST HIS LIFE'S
450
00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:47,870
SAVINGS, $2600 ON A CARNIVAL
451
00:18:47,867 --> 00:18:49,967
GAME LIKE THIS ONE.
452
00:18:49,967 --> 00:18:51,897
ALL HE HAS TO SHOW FOR IT IS
453
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:54,970
THIS STUFFED BANANA WITH DREAD
454
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:55,567
LOCKS.
455
00:18:55,567 --> 00:18:58,067
>> Tosh: HE BETTER DEPOSIT IT
456
00:18:58,067 --> 00:18:59,767
INTO THE ATM.
457
00:18:59,767 --> 00:19:01,167
I'VE ASKED YOU FOR FIVE STRAIGHT
458
00:19:01,167 --> 00:19:04,567
SEASONS TO KEEP UP ON
459
00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:05,427
COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
460
00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:06,433
ARE YOU REALLY DOING IT?
461
00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,073
I UNDERSTAND THERE'S NEW MERCH
462
00:19:08,067 --> 00:19:08,797
IN THE STORE.
463
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:14,900
SEE ME DO STANDUP AND TICKETS
464
00:19:14,900 --> 00:19:19,670
FOR MY TAHOE SHOWS GOES ON SALE
465
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:21,567
TOMORROW AND THERE'S A NEW
466
00:19:21,567 --> 00:19:24,327
EPISODE OF BRICKLEBERRY NEXT AND
467
00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:25,903
RAISING A DAUGHTER TODAY SEEMS
468
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:28,430
IMPOSSIBLE UNLESS YOUR TRYING TO
469
00:19:28,433 --> 00:19:30,273
RAISE A SLAUGHT IN WHICH CASE
470
00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:31,467
IT'S EASY.
471
00:19:31,467 --> 00:19:32,597
RECENTLY PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
472
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,770
WRITING LETTERS TO THEIR UNBORN
473
00:19:34,767 --> 00:19:37,267
DAUGHTERS AND I ASKED YOU TO
474
00:19:37,267 --> 00:19:39,727
WRITE MINE FOR ME IN OUR LATEST
475
00:19:39,733 --> 00:19:41,473
INSTALLMENT OF TWITTEN BY.
476
00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:45,067
THE FIRST IS DEAR, KYLIE, FEEL
477
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:47,427
FREE TO GIVE YOURSELF A BETTER
478
00:19:47,433 --> 00:19:47,833
NAME.
479
00:19:47,833 --> 00:19:49,673
BY NOW YOU KNOW YOUR ABORTION
480
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:50,867
FAILED AND YOU WERE BORN.
481
00:19:50,867 --> 00:19:51,867
THAT'S MY CHOICE.
482
00:19:51,867 --> 00:19:52,797
YOUR TWO FATHERS LOVE YOU VERY
483
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,400
MUCH.
484
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,600
I SEE WHAT YOU DID.
485
00:19:57,600 --> 00:20:00,000
I KNOW YOU'RE LOOKING FORWARD TO
486
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,870
MEETING ME BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO
487
00:20:02,867 --> 00:20:03,427
HAPPEN.
488
00:20:03,433 --> 00:20:04,573
SUCKS YOU CAN'T BONE YOUR OWN
489
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,597
DAD.
490
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:10,070
NEVER KEEP A TOOTH BRUSH IN YOUR
491
00:20:10,067 --> 00:20:12,267
PURSE IT MAKES YOU LOOK SLUTTY.
492
00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:14,367
NEVER SLEEP WITH AN NBA PLAYER
493
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:17,227
UNLESS YOU SEE WHAT HE'S
494
00:20:17,233 --> 00:20:20,133
GUARANTEED IN HIS CONTRACT.
495
00:20:20,133 --> 00:20:21,973
NEVER TRUST ARN ANDERSON EVER.
496
00:20:21,967 --> 00:20:24,367
THAT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING.
497
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:26,297
ANY DAUGHTER OF MINE KNOWS THAT
498
00:20:26,300 --> 00:20:27,570
ARN ANDERSON IS NOT TO BE
499
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,727
TRUSTED.
500
00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:31,273
ALWAYS RUSH YOUR NUMBER TWOS SO
501
00:20:31,267 --> 00:20:32,597
PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE TAKING A
502
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,800
NUMBER ONE.
503
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:36,600
GOOD ADVICE.
504
00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:41,570
THE VAGINA IS A SELF-CLEANSING
505
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:42,127
ORGAN.
506
00:20:42,133 --> 00:20:46,403
DOUCHING IS NOT HEALTHY OR
507
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:46,970
NECESSARY.
508
00:20:46,967 --> 00:20:48,497
THAT DOESN'T SEEM TRUE.
509
00:20:48,500 --> 00:20:50,800
IN COLLEGE SLEEP WITH AS IN GUYS
510
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,730
AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN LATER IS
511
00:20:52,733 --> 00:20:54,773
A SLEPT WITH HIM IF HE BECOMES
512
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:55,227
FAMOUS.
513
00:20:55,233 --> 00:20:56,803
YOU CAN SAY THAT REGARDLESS AND
514
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,270
BE WAY LESS SKANKY.
515
00:20:58,267 --> 00:20:59,597
IF YOU MESS UP JUST PUT CHEESE
516
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:00,300
ON IT.
517
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,200
EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH CHEESE
518
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:02,930
ON IT.
519
00:21:02,933 --> 00:21:06,633
PUT SOME CHEESE ON THAT [BLEEP].
520
00:21:06,633 --> 00:21:10,873
PS, GO DOLPHINS.
521
00:21:10,867 --> 00:21:16,897
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
522
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,830
>> Tosh: WHAT DOES DRUM AND BASS
523
00:21:19,833 --> 00:21:21,803
SOUND LIKE?
524
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:22,230
OKAY.
525
00:21:22,233 --> 00:21:24,203
WHAT'S YOUR GO TO STRONG GET
526
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,230
GIRLS TWERKING.
527
00:21:25,233 --> 00:21:26,133
>> MAKE IT RAIN.
528
00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:26,803
MAKE RAIN.
32469
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