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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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>> WATCH OUT.
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>> I'M NOT A NURSE YET.
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>> I CAN DO IT.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> YEAH, THE HOSPITAL.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: OH, IF GALLAGHER TAUGHT
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US ANYTHING IS USE A
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SLEDGEHAMMER IS LESS SAFER AND
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LESS FUNNY.
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THANKS FOR TEARING YOURSELF AWAY
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FROM GRAND THEFT AUTO 5.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE PROFILE
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OUR LEAST PUBESCENT CELEBRITY
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YET AND INTERVIEW A GIRLFRIEND
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WORSE THAN YOURS AND TOSS AROUND
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THE AUSTRALIAN FRISBEE.
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NOW LET'S SEE WHY STANDING NEAR
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A BLOND GIRL MAKES YOU STUPID.
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AT LEAST THEY HAVE A NOT A NURSE
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YET STANDING BY.
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YEAH, HOSPITAL.
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MAYBE A BARBERSHOP YOU HIPPY.
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NO ONE WINS.
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HE LOSES HIS THUMB AND THE FRUIT
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SALAD IS NOW 90% HONEYDEW.
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THE SECRET SO TO LET SOMEONE
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HOLD THE FRUIT FOR YOU.
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WHAT HAPPENED IS NOT IMPORTANT.
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WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS I LOOK GREAT
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IN DENIM AND CUTTING FRUIT IS
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DANGEROUS.
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THAT'S WHY IN MY OFFICE WE HAVE
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A STRICT NEW NO-PEELING POLICY.
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>> YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM.
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>> COME ON.
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>> I THINK TRY THE OTHER WAY.
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LOOK AT HIM ENJOYING IT.
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>> YEAH.
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>> Tosh: WE ALSO HAD A COCONUT
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THOUGH I FIRMLY BELIEVE IT'S A
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NUT NOT A FRUIT NEP NEXT
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STRIPPER MAYBE LITTLE PERSON BUT
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THE THIGHS ARE ABOVE AVERAGE.
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THAT'S THE NEW STRIP CLUB IN THE
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CHOCOLATE FACTORY.
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I BELIEVE IT'S CALLED WONKA
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DONKS.
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DUST THE CLOCK OFF AND PUT 20
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SECONDS ON IT.
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YOU'RE NOT CATCHING HADEN
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PANTERI WITH A FULL HEAD OF
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STREAM.
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WHITE PANTS IN A STRIP CLUB IS A
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BOWLED MOVE, SIR.
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HER MAGIC DOESN'T WORK OUTSIDE
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OF PIXIE HOLLOW.
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ONE OF THE MANY DRAWBACKS OF NOT
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BEING ABLE TO WRAP YOUR LEGS
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AROUND SOMEONE.
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NOW THE NEW DIRECT TV DOG
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CHANNEL GETS SEXY AFTER
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MIDNIGHT.
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>> A RUBBER COLLECTING CONE IS
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ATTACHED TO THE TOP OF THE CLEAN
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TUBE.
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IT PERMITS COLLECTION OF THE
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SEMEN.
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THE TOP IS FOLDED DOWN TO GIVE A
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GOOD PLACE TO HOLD IT ONCE IT IS
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OVER THE DOG'S PENIS.
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NOTE THE DOG IS STANDING ON THE
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RUG TO GIVE HIM GOOD FEETING.
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IT'S SIMULATED --
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>> Tosh: CALM DOWN, IT'S HIS
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BIRTHDAY.
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THIS IS THE WORSE OR BEST VET
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DEPENDING ON WHO YOU ASK.
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>> THE DOG'S SEMEN IS
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EJACULATED.
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YOU CAN SEE ANAL CONTRACTS.
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>> Tosh: PLAY WITH HIS BALLS
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LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE.
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>> WHEN SEMEN COLLECTION IS
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FINISHED THE CONE IS GENTLY
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PULLED OFF THE DOG'S PENIS.
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THE LAVENDER COLOR OF THE
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ENGORGED DOG'S PENIS IS NORMAL.
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>> Tosh: NOW START DECORATING
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YOUR CAKE.
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>> CAN I HAVE SOME ICING.
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>> Tosh: YES.
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>> JUST DON'T GET IT IN MY HAIR.
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[***]
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>> VANILLA?
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>> Tosh: NO, LABRADOODLE.
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THAT WAS THE SECOND BIGGEST LOAD
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OF ICE SHE'S EVER TAKEN ON HER
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FACE.
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HERE'S A GREAT WAY TO GET POINTS
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ON YOUR BOATING LICENSE IF
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THAT'S A THING.
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>> SKIM BOARD HIGH-FIVE.
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MAYBE, NOT SURE.
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>> BUT WE HOPE IT WORKS BECAUSE
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IT WOULD LOOK REALLY COOL.
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>> HERE IT COMES.
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DOWN IN FRONT OF THE BOAT.
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LET GO OF THE ROPE.
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GOING RIGHT.
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THERE IS IT IS.
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OH, [BLEEP].
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>> Tosh: JUST ANOTHER WEEKEND AT
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USHER'S PLACE.
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NOW RUN OVER THE IDIOT WITH THE
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CAMERA.
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BY THE WAY, AT NO TIME WAS
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ANYONE HOLDING UP THEIR HAND FOR
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THIS EPIC HIGH-FIVE.
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OKAY.
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DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN ARTISTS
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ARE MOVED BY THEIR OWN MUSIC?
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>> Tosh: WHAT IS THIS LILITH
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FAIR?
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EVEN HIS STOMACH WANTS HIM TO
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STOP PLAYING.
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RESCHEDULE THE CONCERT.
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ALL YOUR FANS WILL UNDERSTAND.
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I DID THE SAME THING EVERY TIME
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IMAGINE DRAGONS, PASSENGER, AWOL
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NATION, ROB THICKE, MILEY'S DAD,
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KINGS OF LEON, LUMINERE, GO GO
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FOR DELLO, FRANZ FERDINAND,
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DEATH CAP FOR CUTIE, MY CHEMICAL
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ROMANCE AND WIND BUTLER OF
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ARCADE FIRE PICKS UP A GUITAR.
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QUESTION, WHAT'S NEXT?
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SORRY, SYRIA WE HAVE BIGGER
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McFISH TO FRY.
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NOW SEE HOW THE THREAT OF LOSING
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MAJOR CORPORATE SPONSORS AFFECTS
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THE JOKES I'M ABOUT TO TELL IN
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THE BA DA DA DA DA, BREAKDOWN.
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MONOPOLY IS BACK AND ALL THIS
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LADY NEEDS IS A RAILROAD TO BUY
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A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF METH.
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ACTUALLY, SHE'S UPSET BECAUSE
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THEY'RE OUT OF NUGGETS.
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JUST RUN OVER A PIGEON WITH YOUR
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CAR AND EAT THAT INSTEAD.
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FEWER CALORIES.
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DON'T WORRY, THEY KNOW EACH
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OTHER FROM JUVIE.
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SHE'S DEFINITE DRESSED FOR A
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MUGSHOT.
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NOT EVERYONE CAN PULL OFF A PINK
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TOP AS WELL AS ME.
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MA'AM, THE DRIVE-THRU IS FOR
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PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO GO
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INSIDE.
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GET BACK IN YOUR VEHICLE AND
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HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME LIKE THE
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REST US.
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I'D START CHUCK APPLE PIES AT
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HER.
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THEY'RE FILLED WITH LAVA.
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THEY'RE PREPARED TO DEFEND THE
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SECRET SAUCE RECIPE WITH THEIR
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LIVES.
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THEY CAN'T GET IT CLOSED BECAUSE
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THEY'RE FINGERS ARE SO GREASY.
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THAT'S BULLET-PROOF GLASS.
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WHERE WAS OFFICER BIG MAC WHEN
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YOU NEED HIM.
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YES, THAT'S HIS REAL NAME.
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THAT'S HOW THE COMPANY BECAME SO
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SUCCESSFUL.
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THEY'D BETTER NOT ADD HER TO THE
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SERVED CUSTOMER TALLY.
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SHE PULLED AWAY WITHOUT FOOD
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WHICH MEANS EVERYONE'S ORDER
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WILL BE OFF BY ONE BY THE END OF
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TIME.
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AT LEAST THEY'LL BE PROUD OF THE
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WAY THEY HANDLED HER.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
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LOHANTHONY BUT HERE'S ANOTHER
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INSTALLMENT OF STREET JUSTICE.
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>> STREET JUSTICE.
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CASE CLOSED.
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>> LOHANTHONY VIDEO OF THE WEEK.
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>> HEY, IT'S LOHANTHONY.
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TO ALL THE BASIC BITCHES.
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NEW ANNOUNCEMENT, YOU'RE BASIC.
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I LOOK LIKE JESUS' DISCIPLE BUT
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I'M GOING WORK IT.
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YOU KNOW HOW I DO.
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I'M OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME
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IN LIKE 50 YEARS.
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YOU HAVE TO WORK IT BECAUSE YOU
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NEVER KNOW.
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PAPARAZZI CAN BE AROUND THE
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CORNER.
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YOU DON'T KNOW.
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HERE'S WHAT YOU DO.
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THREE, TWO, ONE.
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YOU IF YOU GUYS ARE WATCHING
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GIVE THIS VIDEO A BIG THUMBS UP
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BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO THUMB
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ME IN THE [BLEEP].
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THANK YOU.
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>> Tosh: YOU GO, GIRL.
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THAT FABULOUS FLEXIBLE
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14-YEAR-OLD FIRECRACKER'S
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LOHANTHONY.
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HIS YOUTUBE VIDEOS HAVE OVER 10
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MILLION VIEWS.
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NOT ONLY DOES HE MAKE MORE MONEY
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THAN HIS PARENTS AND MORE FAMOUS
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THAN 95% OF THE ACTORS IN L.A.
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HE'S KNOWN AS A BLOGGER.
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I LOVE THE PLAYER BUT THE GAME'S
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AWFUL.
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BLOGS ARE THE WORSE SIDE EFFECT
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OF SOCIETY WHERE EVERYONE THINKS
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THEY'RE SPECIAL.
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IT'S LESS LIKE HAVING YOUR OWN
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TV SHOW AND MORE LIKE FACE
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TIMING WITH YOUR SELF.
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I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE WANT
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TO SHARE THEIR FEELINGS.
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I CAN'T EVEN TELL MY MAID I FEEL
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UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN SHE BRINGS
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HER DAUGHTER WITH HER TO CLEAN.
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WAS I THE ONLY ONE RAISED IN A
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HOUSE ARE CHILDREN WERE SUPPOSED
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TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD?
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IN I WANTED TO HEAR ABOUT A
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TEENAGER'S LIFE I'D TALK TO MY
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GIRLFRIEND.
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HAVE YOU TO MAKE SOMETHING OF
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YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN SHARE
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YOUR VIEWS NOW ANYONE WITH A
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WI-FI CONNECTION AND TWO WORKING
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PARENTS THINKS I CARE WHAT THEY
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BUY.
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INTERESTING PEOPLE WHO DO THINGS
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WITH THEIR LIVES DON'T HAVE TIME
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TO DO THIS.
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LOHANTHONY IS VIRAL AND THE MOST
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POPULAR THING ON THE INTERNET
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ASIDE FROM PORN, RACISM AND CATS
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SO I FLEW ANOTHER TEENAGED BOY I
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MET ONLINE TO HOLLYWOOD FOR A
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CELEBRITY PROFILE.
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LOHANTHONY.
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>> HI, DANIEL.
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>> Tosh: CALL ME LEE.
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NOT MANY PEOPLE GET TO SEE
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BEHIND THE SCENES.
262
00:10:31,533 --> 00:10:32,003
LOHANTHONY.
263
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:33,030
IS THAT YOUR CHRISTIAN NAME?
264
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:33,833
>> YES.
265
00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:35,033
>> Tosh: HOW'D YOU COME UP WITH
266
00:10:35,033 --> 00:10:36,373
THE NAME?
267
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:41,397
>> I PUT LINDSAY LOHAN MY IDOL
268
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:43,730
AND MY FRIEND TOGETHER.
269
00:10:43,733 --> 00:10:45,103
>> Tosh: SHE TWEETED YOU.
270
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,930
>> THIS HAPPENED.
271
00:10:46,933 --> 00:10:48,933
I LOVE YOU LINDSAY BOO.
272
00:10:48,933 --> 00:10:50,303
>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK YOU'LL
273
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:51,330
BECOME MORE POPULAR THAN HER?
274
00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:52,833
>> I THINK I ALREADY AM.
275
00:10:52,833 --> 00:10:55,073
>> Tosh: WHEN YOU DID START MAKE
276
00:10:55,067 --> 00:10:55,597
VIDEOS?
277
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:57,030
>> THREE YEARS AGO AND THEY WERE
278
00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:57,503
STUPID.
279
00:10:57,500 --> 00:10:59,500
>> Tosh: BUT FUN.
280
00:10:59,500 --> 00:11:03,070
>> MY NAME IS MOTHER [BLEEP]
281
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:05,827
FABULOUS
282
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:07,333
FABULOUS
283
00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,803
FABULOUS BITCH.
284
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,100
REMEMBER IT.
285
00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:11,470
>> Tosh: HOW'S YOU LEARN HOW TO
286
00:11:11,467 --> 00:11:12,067
TWERK?
287
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:24,567
>> LET ME SEE YOU DANCE.
288
00:11:24,567 --> 00:11:27,867
>> Tosh: OKAY, THAT WAS AWKWARD.
289
00:11:27,867 --> 00:11:28,427
LOHANTHONY.
290
00:11:28,433 --> 00:11:33,403
THE OTHER DAY I NOTICED #ASK
291
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:34,900
LOHANTHONY WAS TRENDING
292
00:11:34,900 --> 00:11:35,400
WORLDWIDE.
293
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:37,530
TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
294
00:11:37,533 --> 00:11:40,833
>> I LET MY FOLLOWERS ASK ME
295
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,073
QUESTIONS.
296
00:11:42,067 --> 00:11:44,067
WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF JUSTIN
297
00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:45,627
BEIBER SHOWED UP WITH ROSES I'D
298
00:11:45,633 --> 00:11:47,733
PUSH THE ROSES OUT OF THE WAY
299
00:11:47,733 --> 00:11:49,073
AND [BLEEP] THE [BLEEP] OUT OF
300
00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,697
HIM RIGHT THEN AND THERE.
301
00:11:51,700 --> 00:11:54,900
>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK IT'S DOES
302
00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:56,300
RESPECTFUL YOU TALK LIKE A BLACK
303
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:56,730
GIRL?
304
00:11:56,733 --> 00:11:59,373
>> NO, BECAUSE IT'S TRULY WHO I
305
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:00,167
AM INSIDE.
306
00:12:00,167 --> 00:12:09,767
>> Tosh: FAIR ENOUGH.
307
00:12:09,767 --> 00:12:15,227
[LAUGHTER]
308
00:12:15,233 --> 00:12:16,073
>> Tosh: SORRY.
309
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:18,867
>> CALLING ALL THE BASIC
310
00:12:18,867 --> 00:12:19,467
BITCHES.
311
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,227
>> Tosh: CAN YOU TEACH ME HOW TO
312
00:12:21,233 --> 00:12:22,603
CALL ALL THE BASIC BITCHES.
313
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:24,900
>> LOOK DOWN LIKE THIS AND JUST
314
00:12:24,900 --> 00:12:26,600
SCREAM, CALLING ALL THE BASIC
315
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:27,230
BITCHES.
316
00:12:27,233 --> 00:12:28,403
>> Tosh: CALLING ALL THE BASIC
317
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,100
BITCHES.
318
00:12:30,100 --> 00:12:32,630
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE BASIC?
319
00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:34,303
>> TO BE JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE
320
00:12:34,300 --> 00:12:35,900
AND NOT BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE
321
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:36,430
INSIDE.
322
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:39,403
>> Tosh: I HATE TO EVEN ASK THIS
323
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,230
QUESTION, LOHANTHONY BUT AM I
324
00:12:41,233 --> 00:12:41,803
BASIC?
325
00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:48,630
>> YES.
326
00:12:48,633 --> 00:12:50,503
>> Tosh: THANK YOU, CARLUCCI.
327
00:12:50,500 --> 00:12:52,070
HE'S MY HOUSE BOY.
328
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,097
HE'S HAD SOME PLASTIC SURGERY TO
329
00:12:54,100 --> 00:12:55,170
LOOK MORE LIKE ME.
330
00:12:55,167 --> 00:12:59,327
>> THIS VIDEO IS A TUTORIAL ON
331
00:12:59,333 --> 00:13:01,073
HOW TO BE A --
332
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:05,067
>> Tosh: WHAT MAKES YOU A DIVA?
333
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,597
I'M A FEMALE VERSION OF A
334
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,070
HUSTLER.
335
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:08,727
>> Tosh: LOOKING BACK WHAT WAS
336
00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:10,073
THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR CAREER?
337
00:13:10,067 --> 00:13:13,067
>> FINDING OUT MY VIDEOS HAVE
338
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:13,797
HELPED PEOPLE.
339
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,100
>> Tosh: BUT HAVE THEY HELPED
340
00:13:15,100 --> 00:13:15,600
YOU?
341
00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:16,530
WHO'S HERE TO HELP YOU?
342
00:13:16,533 --> 00:13:17,733
>> YOU.
343
00:13:17,733 --> 00:13:19,603
[LAUGHTER]
344
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,070
>> Tosh: JUST A LITTLE PROMISE.
345
00:13:21,067 --> 00:13:24,397
I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY,
346
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:24,970
LOHANTHONY.
347
00:13:24,967 --> 00:13:26,567
WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY?
348
00:13:26,567 --> 00:13:30,297
>> MY VERY OWN TV SHOW.
349
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:34,130
>> Tosh: COMEDY CENTRAL,
350
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:37,133
LOHANTHONY WANTS A SHOW.
351
00:13:37,133 --> 00:13:39,603
>> SEPTEMBER 17, 2013, FROM
352
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:43,170
COMEDY CENTRAL'S WORLD NEWS
353
00:13:43,167 --> 00:13:45,527
HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK THIS IS
354
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:47,703
THE DAILY SHOW LOHANTHONY.
355
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:51,430
>> WELCOME TO THE DAILY SHOW
356
00:13:51,433 --> 00:13:52,073
LOHANTHONY.
357
00:13:52,067 --> 00:13:53,897
I'M YOUR HOST FILLING IN YOUR
358
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:59,170
JOHN OLIVER FILLING IN FOR JON
359
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:01,797
STEWART FILLING IN FOR CRAIG
360
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:06,800
KILBORN WHILE HE MADE BAT
361
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,330
CHOICES.
362
00:14:08,333 --> 00:14:17,273
IRANI REFUSES TO DISARM.
363
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:20,767
HOWARD DEAN SAYS HE'S OPEN FOR
364
00:14:20,767 --> 00:14:22,927
ANOTHER BID FOR PRESIDENT.
365
00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:25,103
IS THAT JIMMY DEAN'S BROTHER?
366
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:28,570
I WOULD VOTE FOR ANYBODY TO GIVE
367
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:31,167
ME FREE BREAKFAST SANDWICHES.
368
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:33,427
I'M GOING GET FAT.
369
00:14:33,433 --> 00:14:36,933
ANY WAY, BRAZIL, IF I DIDN'T
370
00:14:36,933 --> 00:14:38,933
LOVE GISELLE SO MUCH I'D SAY A
371
00:14:38,933 --> 00:14:41,433
LOT OF MEAN THINGS BUT I'M OVER
372
00:14:41,433 --> 00:14:41,803
IT.
373
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,470
NOW FOR THE UNREST IN THE MIDDLE
374
00:14:44,467 --> 00:14:52,497
EAST WE GO TO CORRESPONDING SARA
375
00:14:52,500 --> 00:15:00,670
IN TALIB SQUARE.
376
00:15:00,667 --> 00:15:04,667
MY GUEST IS AN AUTHOR OF A BOOK.
377
00:15:04,667 --> 00:15:10,867
PLEASE WELCOME DR. STEINBERG
378
00:15:10,867 --> 00:15:11,427
BERGSTEIN.
379
00:15:11,433 --> 00:15:12,073
OKAY.
380
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:15,067
FIRST OFF, WHAT THE [BLEEP] IS
381
00:15:15,067 --> 00:15:15,527
THAT?
382
00:15:15,533 --> 00:15:16,973
I SEE MY GRANDMA WITH A DISH RAG
383
00:15:16,967 --> 00:15:19,297
WITH THE SAME PATTERN.
384
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:20,530
DID YOU GET THAT AT SEARS?
385
00:15:20,533 --> 00:15:24,573
THAT'S IT FOR THE DAILY SHOW
386
00:15:24,567 --> 00:15:25,767
LOHANTHONY.
387
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:27,497
NEXT UP IS THE COLBERT REPORT.
388
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:29,800
WHAT'S UP, STEPHEN?
389
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,930
>> IS THERE NO END TO YOUR
390
00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:32,433
SPUNK?
391
00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,273
WE'RE TRENDING I'M NOT A
392
00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:42,197
BLEEDING HEART LIBERAL.
393
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,400
>> Tosh: IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU
394
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,870
TO KNOW THAT WE HAD TO EXPLAIN
395
00:15:45,867 --> 00:15:48,497
TO LOHANTHONY WHAT THE DAILY
396
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:51,130
SHOW WAS BEFORE WE SHOT THAT.
397
00:15:51,133 --> 00:15:52,473
SINCE HE LEFT I'VE BEEN SUPER
398
00:15:52,467 --> 00:15:53,227
INTO BLOGGING.
399
00:15:53,233 --> 00:15:53,933
HERE'S MY VIDEO.
400
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,703
CHECK OUT OUR WEBSITE FOR THE
401
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:56,470
FULL VERSION.
402
00:15:56,467 --> 00:16:00,067
IT'S EXTREMELY SAD.
403
00:16:00,067 --> 00:16:01,867
>> OKAY, RIGHT HERE.
404
00:16:01,867 --> 00:16:03,527
THREE OF THESE.
405
00:16:03,533 --> 00:16:05,803
THESE THINGS ARE NOT CHEAP.
406
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:06,770
$22 A POP.
407
00:16:06,767 --> 00:16:09,797
FUNNY THING IS ONE TIME I WAS
408
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,770
WITH THIS GIRL.
409
00:16:10,767 --> 00:16:12,697
WE WERE GOING TO GO OUT ON ONE
410
00:16:12,700 --> 00:16:14,630
DATE AND I PICK HER UP AND HER
411
00:16:14,633 --> 00:16:15,633
MAKEUP IS THICK.
412
00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:17,073
I'M FREAKED OUT.
413
00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:20,367
SHE SAW I HAD A TUBE IN MY CAR
414
00:16:20,367 --> 00:16:22,297
AND SAID WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A
415
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,330
HAND MASSAGE.
416
00:16:24,333 --> 00:16:26,673
AND I'M LIKE I'M NOT WASTING MY
417
00:16:26,667 --> 00:16:27,497
GOOD [BLEEP] DOWN CLOWN FACE.
418
00:16:30,933 --> 00:16:32,903
>> LOOK WHO'S AT THE DOOR.
419
00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:33,570
PRINCESS.
420
00:16:33,567 --> 00:16:38,927
OPEN IT, OPEN IT, QUICK.
421
00:16:38,933 --> 00:16:41,903
>> THE PRINCESS IS HERE.
422
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:45,670
>> ROSES?
423
00:16:45,667 --> 00:16:46,927
>> Tosh: HERE'S WHERE YOU NEVER
424
00:16:46,933 --> 00:16:49,133
MARRY THE BABY VOICE GIRL.
425
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:53,833
>> OH, PRINCESS.
426
00:16:53,833 --> 00:16:55,303
>> Tosh: OKAY, FIRST OF ALL
427
00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:58,670
YOU'RE NOT A PRINCESS, JENNIFER.
428
00:16:58,667 --> 00:17:00,167
PRINCESSES VACATION IN YACHTS ON
429
00:17:00,167 --> 00:17:03,967
THE MEDITERRANEAN NOT IN
430
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:05,467
AMUSEMENT MARKS IN ANAHEIM.
431
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:08,297
>> LOOK AT MY FLOWERS.
432
00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:11,970
>> Tosh: THE POOR, PUSSY WHIPPED
433
00:17:11,967 --> 00:17:13,067
BASTARD THAT'S MARRIED TO YOU
434
00:17:13,067 --> 00:17:17,067
WANT THEM TO DIE LIKE THIS
435
00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:18,827
RELATIONSHIP.
436
00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:20,873
>> I GET A SASH?
437
00:17:20,867 --> 00:17:25,067
THIS IS MY FANTASTIC PRINCESS
438
00:17:25,067 --> 00:17:25,527
SASH.
439
00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:27,673
>> SPECTACULAR, SPECTACULAR.
440
00:17:27,667 --> 00:17:29,627
>> I'M NOT A BEAUTY QUEEN.
441
00:17:29,633 --> 00:17:33,633
>> LOOKS RIGHT.
442
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:34,533
>> Tosh: AHA.
443
00:17:34,533 --> 00:17:35,903
NOW GIVE THAT TO YOUR HUSBAND TO
444
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:40,130
HANG HIMSELF WITH IT.
445
00:17:40,133 --> 00:17:47,073
>> AND HERE'S MY CEPTOR.
446
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:51,597
>> THE ONLY WAY THIS IS WORTH IT
447
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,700
IS IF IT ENDS UP IN HER BUTT
448
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:56,270
LATER.
449
00:17:56,267 --> 00:17:56,967
>> WOW.
450
00:17:56,967 --> 00:18:00,627
THAT'S A CROWN.
451
00:18:00,633 --> 00:18:01,803
HOLY-MOLY.
452
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:02,630
IT CAME ON A PILLOW AND
453
00:18:02,633 --> 00:18:03,273
EVERYTHING.
454
00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:04,667
>> Tosh: GOOD LORD, THIS BITCH
455
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:06,867
BETTER HAVE CANCER.
456
00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:08,067
PERSONALLY, I DON'T TREAT MY
457
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:09,397
GIRLFRIEND LIKE A PRINCESS.
458
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,300
I TREAT HER LIKE A QUEEN.
459
00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:13,700
NOT JUST ON HER BIRTHDAY, EVERY
460
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:14,170
DAY.
461
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:16,197
>> HEY, I CAN'T FIND MY PHONE.
462
00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:18,630
WILL YOU CALL IT REAL QUICK?
463
00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:20,703
>> Tosh: THIS IS MADNESS.
464
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:26,100
I SWEAR THE SWORD OF DRAGON'S
465
00:18:26,100 --> 00:18:28,100
THE QUEEN'S NAME SHALL NEVER BE
466
00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:29,430
SPOKEN AGAIN.
467
00:18:29,433 --> 00:18:29,973
BE GONE.
468
00:18:29,967 --> 00:18:32,727
>> FINE.
469
00:18:32,733 --> 00:18:35,073
>> Tosh: YOU SPEAK WITH SUCH
470
00:18:35,067 --> 00:18:37,127
DISDAIN THOUGH YOU BEG FOR
471
00:18:37,133 --> 00:18:37,933
MERCY.
472
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:40,633
WINTER IS COMING.
473
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,173
EVEN THE HEALTHIEST RELATIONSHIP
474
00:18:42,167 --> 00:18:43,567
TAKE A TON OF WORK AND NOW IT'S
475
00:18:43,567 --> 00:18:45,227
TIME FOR THE VIEWER VINE OF THE
476
00:18:45,233 --> 00:18:45,873
WEEK.
477
00:18:45,867 --> 00:18:50,067
IT'S DRUNK MARIO.
478
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:52,827
[ MARIO THEME MUSIC ]
479
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:53,933
>> Tosh: DON'T LET HIM GET
480
00:18:53,933 --> 00:18:55,373
BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A KART.
481
00:18:55,367 --> 00:18:57,367
YOU KNOW WHO NEVER GOT DRUNK ON
482
00:18:57,367 --> 00:18:59,067
THE CAR?
483
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,227
CASH BANDY COOT.
484
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:00,973
TOTAL PRO.
485
00:19:00,967 --> 00:19:02,927
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
486
00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:04,803
MOUTHING OFF.
487
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,500
51 GREATEST SMART ASSES.
488
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:08,670
WE'RE SCRAPING THE BOTTOM OF THE
489
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:11,067
BARREL COMEDY CENTRAL.
490
00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:12,167
TIME TO START CANCELLING MORE
491
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:13,167
SHOWS.
492
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:22,403
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
493
00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:23,430
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
494
00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:24,433
HAVE YOU NOTICED THE SUBTLE
495
00:19:24,433 --> 00:19:26,973
DIFFERENCE YET?
496
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:28,827
AND NO, IT'S NOT THIS EPISODE IS
497
00:19:28,833 --> 00:19:29,703
EVEN FUNNIER.
498
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:31,370
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE CHECK
499
00:19:31,367 --> 00:19:33,927
OUT THE HOOK WHILE THIS DEEJAY
500
00:19:33,933 --> 00:19:34,733
REVOLVES IT.
501
00:19:34,733 --> 00:19:36,603
>> WE NEED TO GET IT UP TO A
502
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:37,070
TEN.
503
00:19:37,067 --> 00:19:38,727
I NEED EVERYBODY IN.
504
00:19:38,733 --> 00:19:41,473
JUMP, JUMP, JUMP.
505
00:19:41,467 --> 00:19:43,397
WE GOT IT AT 9.5.
506
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,400
WE HAVE 0.5 LESS TO GO.
507
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,100
LET'S GO.
508
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:47,470
>> Tosh: EXCLUSIVE CLUB THERE.
509
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:49,567
OKAY, YOU GUYS ARE AT A 6.5
510
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:51,967
LET'S BRING IT DOWN A REASONABLE
511
00:19:51,967 --> 00:19:54,127
4. 2 WHILE I DO SELF-PROMOTION.
512
00:19:54,133 --> 00:19:55,403
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER TO LIVE
513
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:56,930
CHAT DURING THE SHOW.
514
00:19:56,933 --> 00:19:58,903
NOW IF YOU PREFER YOUR JOKES IN
515
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:01,470
TEXT FORM CHECK OUT OUR BLOG AT
516
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:02,397
TOSH DOT WHATEVER.
517
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,170
IT'S BEEN RESKINNED.
518
00:20:04,167 --> 00:20:07,067
THAT'S BLOG TALK.
519
00:20:07,067 --> 00:20:09,967
COME SEE ME DO STANDUP COMEDY
520
00:20:09,967 --> 00:20:11,367
USUALLY AT NIGHT AND STAY TUNED
521
00:20:11,367 --> 00:20:15,027
FOR A NEW EPISODE OF
522
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:18,073
BRICKLEBERRY AND TOMORROW'S
523
00:20:18,067 --> 00:20:19,697
NATIONAL BOOMERANG DAY.
524
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:22,630
I COMMISSIONED A MAKER TO WHIP
525
00:20:22,633 --> 00:20:23,433
ME UP.
526
00:20:23,433 --> 00:20:27,273
A BATCH OF DEADLY BANGS.
527
00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:28,997
I'M CROCODILE DUNDEE.
528
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:35,270
THIS IS A BOOMERANG.
529
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:36,867
HOP OFF YOU POOF.
530
00:20:36,867 --> 00:20:39,067
I GOT HIS LEGS AND FEET BOUND.
531
00:20:39,067 --> 00:20:49,127
THIS SHOULD BE FUN.
532
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:51,503
THAT BIG ONE CAME FLYING.
533
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:55,000
>> Tosh: YOU KNOW WHAT GOES GOOD
534
00:20:55,000 --> 00:21:00,130
WITH ANAROO?
535
00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:00,733
PUMPERNICKEL.
536
00:21:00,733 --> 00:21:01,503
THE GOLD I PHONE IS FOR
537
00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:04,800
PERSIANS.
538
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:12,870
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
539
00:21:12,867 --> 00:21:15,127
EXCITING THING THAT HAS HAPPENED
540
00:21:15,133 --> 00:21:15,973
TO YOU.
541
00:21:15,967 --> 00:21:19,167
>> I WENT TO THIS CONVENTION FOR
542
00:21:19,167 --> 00:21:21,827
YOUTUBERS AND IT WAS FUN.
543
00:21:21,833 --> 00:21:22,633
>> Tosh: VITCON?
544
00:21:22,633 --> 00:21:23,603
IN OTHER WORDS.
34060
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