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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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OH, MY GOD.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: YOU KNOW THE NFL ISN'T
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GIVING HUSH MONEY TO EVERYONE
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WITH A CONCUSSION, RIGHT?
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" AND NO I
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DIDN'T GET LAZY AND PUT ON THE
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SAME OUTFIT AS LAST WEEK.
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THIS IS THE SEASON OF SUBTLE
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DIFFERENCES.
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CAN YOU FIND IT?
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE SEE WHAT
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HAPPENS WHEN AMERICA FORGETS TO
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NEVER FORGET, I SHARE SECRETS
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WITH A LITTLE BOY AND I PAY 99
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CENTS TO SOUND LIKE I'M HAVING A
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STROKE.
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NOW, THERE'S ONLY TWO WAYS TO
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GET A JOB WORKING AT TRIPLE A.
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YOU CAN BE SEXED IN OR DO THIS.
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OH, ANY GOD.
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OH, MY GOD.
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OH, MY GOD.
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>> Tosh: LOOK AT THE SCARF.
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THESE FANSIEST IDIOT IN TOWN.
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>> YOU'RE INSANE.
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>> Tosh: HE PROBABLY LOCKED HIS
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BABY IN THERE.
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>> GOD.
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ONE MORE?
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>> Tosh: NOBODY TELL HIM WITH
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THE SPARE KEY.
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ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, IF YOU EVER
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HAD A GIRLS LOCKER ROOM FANTASY
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THIS OUGHT TO RUIN IT.
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>> READY?
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LOOK AT THIS.
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>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, ONE OF YOU
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IS EATING MORE THAN JUST FRENCH
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FRIES AT LUNCH.
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>> READY, GO.
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>> Tosh: I THINK IT JUST WINKED
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AT THEM.
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[ SCREAMING ]
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>> Tosh: COME ON, LADIES, USE
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YOUR PEE TO LASER IT IN HALF AND
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THEN FLUSH IT DOWN.
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THAT'S PLUMBING 101.
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IS ISN'T ELSE CONCERNED THERE'S
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NO TOILET PAPER.
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THIS IS MY FAVORITE NINE FOR IX
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ON ESPN.
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THIS TAKES ME BACK JUST A FEW
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SHORT YEARS AGO.
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>> I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE
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USED THE TOILET.
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>> Tosh: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD
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HAVE USED IT SIX YEARS AGO.
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SORRY, BUDDY.
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LET'S NOT DO THE MATH ON THAT.
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EVEN ASIAN PEOPLE HAVE TO ADMIT
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A LOT OF THESE KIDS LOOK
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SIMILAR.
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ALL THIS [BLEEP]ING AROUND IS
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WHY THE iPHONE 5-S IS WHY IT'S
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TAKING SO LONG.
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EVERY PING PONG PADDLE IS
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PERSONALLY TESTED BY THE CHILD
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WHO MAKES IT.
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WHEN AGE DO THEY START USING
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THAT RIDICULOUS HAND GRIP?
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COMMUNISTS LOVE DOGS THINGS IN
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LINE.
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YES, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING
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THEY KILLED THE LEFTY AS IS
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APPROPRIATE.
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I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU CHINA.
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IN CAN TAKE ALL THOSE KIDS ON AT
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ONCE.
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IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING I WON
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11-2.
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CHINA GOT SKUNKED.
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OKAY, LADIES LET'S STICK WITH
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THE KEY CHAIN SIZED CAN OF
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PEPPER SPRAY FROM NOW ON.
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>> I LIKE THAT.
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>> OH, YEAH.
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DONE?
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>> I DON'T KNOW.
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>> PULL THE TRIGGER ONE MORE
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TIME.
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THERE YOU GO.
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PUT IT ON SAFE.
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>> RELAX.
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I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS.
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>> Tosh: YOU'RE NOT EVEN
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SUPPOSED TO LET THEM HAVE THE
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REMOTE CONTROL.
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THIS IS HOW I BELIEVE KURT
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COBAIN DIED.
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>> THERE YOU GO.
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>> RELAX, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO
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THIS.
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>> Tosh: ONLY A POINTED GUN AT A
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DUDE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE IT'S
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HIS FAULT.
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TIME GO BIG OR GO HOME.
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HOME IT IS.
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JUST BECAUSE YOU WON THE RAFFLE
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DOESN'T MEAN HAVE YOU TO USE THE
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MOUNTAIN BIKE.
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I BLAME THE IMAGINARY FRIEND
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RIDING ON HIS HANDLEBARS.
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HE'S PROBABLY ALLERGIC TO
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EVERYTHING THAT JUST FELL ON
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HIM.
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JUST ONCE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE
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THE GUY THAT HAS TO WALK IT UP
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THE HILL.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER.
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OH, MY GOD.
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>> Tosh: WHAT AN [BLEEP].
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NOW, LET'S WATCH FLORIDA BEING
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FLORIDA IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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>> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER,
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BUTTWATER.
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>> YOU CAN TELL IT'S ORLANDO.
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IF YOU SAY HIS NAME THREE TIMES
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HE'LL APPEAR.
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HIS LAWN'S GETTING WATER AND
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FERTILIZED AT THE SAME TIME.
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IF MILEY TAUGHT US ANYTHING IS
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YOU CAN HAVE A GROSS ASS AND GET
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TONS OF ATTENTION.
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>> HERE HE GOES AGAIN.
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>> Tosh: I'D PUT MY THUMB OVER
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IT TO GET SOME DISTANCE.
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KEEP IN MIND, THESE ARE THE
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PEOPLE WHO DECIDED THE LAST FOUR
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ELECTIONS.
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ANY CHANCE HE'S NOT USING THE
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HOSE AND GOING STRAIGHT TOLD
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SPIGOT.
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>> HERE WE GO.
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WATCH OUT!
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>> Tosh: TWO ENCORES?
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BUTTWATER THINKS HE'S PAUL
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MCCARTNEY.
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CLOSING SPEED FOR A GUY PINCHING
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A GAL ON OF WATER IN HIS ANUS.
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THANKS FOR COMING TO MY
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BARBECUE.
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HE'S BEEN BUTT-IZED.
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HIS BUTT BELONGS TO BUTT JESUS.
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LADIES, POOP WATER?
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NO?
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FOR THAT WE THANK YOU AND ANY
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LOVE MAKING PROWESS IS STUFF OF
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LEGEND AND I'M READY TO SHARE
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TECHNIQUES WITH THE WORLD AND I
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PROUDLY GIVE YOU MY 100% ORGASM
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GUARANTEED "TOSH.0" SEX POSITION
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OF THE WEEK.
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>> IN THIS POSITION THE WOMAN'S
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FACING THE MAN'S LAP FACING
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FORWARD.
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THEY BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS IN THE
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AIR AND SCREAM AS IF ON A ROLLER
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COASTER.
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AT THE MOMENT OF CLIMAX A
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STRANGER COMES AND TAKES THE
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PICTURE.
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YOU CAN THEN HAVE THE OPTION TO
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PURCHASE THE PICTURES FOR $12
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AND THAT'S HOW YOU PERFORM THE
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ROLLER COASTER.
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THANKS, DANIEL AND REMEMBER,
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KEEP ON [BLEEP]ING.
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>> OKAY, NEW YORKERS THIS ISN'T
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ALWAYS APPROPRIATE BUT IT IS
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TODAY SO ANYBODY WITH A PAIR,
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JOIN ME, USA, USA, COME ON, USA,
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USA, ANYBODY GIVE A [BLEEP]?
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USA!
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USA!
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ALL RIGHT.
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YOU'RE WELCOME TO ALL THE
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MILITARY.
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EVERYONE WHO PROTECTS YOU WHILE
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YOU SLEEP.
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>> Tosh: THAT FRUSTRATED PATRIOT
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IS JONATHAN AND THE FORGOT THE
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NUMBER ONE RULE ON A SUBWAY,
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SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP.
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HE WAS JUST TRYING TO THE CHANT
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GOING THE DAY AFTER WE KILLED
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OSAMA BIN LADEN.
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UNFORTUNATELY CHANT DON'T WORK
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OR CHANTING DEREK JETER WOULD
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MAKE HIM A MASCOT.
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TOMORROW IS SEPTEMBER 11.
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AMERICA'S SADDEST HOLIDAY.
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YOU MIAMI REMEMBER IT AS THE DAY
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BEN FOLDS RELEASED HIS FIRST
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SOLO ALBUM.
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C
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CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SAY IT WAS
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AN INSIDE JOB.
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YOU KNOW WHO'S TOO LAZY TRYING
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TO PLAN AN ATTACK IS PEOPLE IN
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AMERICA.
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I GET ANGRY SPELLING
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AFGHANISTAN.
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HAND IT TO TERRORISTS THEY'RE
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NOTHING IF NOT INVENTIVE.
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THE WORSE I CAN DO WITH A
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PRESSURE COOKER IS MAKE BURNT
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RISOTTO.
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SURE, 9-11 WAS A LOT FOR THE
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COUNTRY TO HANDLE ESPECIALLY OFF
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THE HEELS OF Y2K BUT I WATCH
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MILLION DOLLAR LISTINGS AND NEW
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YORK CITY IS BACK.
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I'LL WAIT FOR A COMIC NO ONE HAS
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HEARD OF TO GET WASTED AND
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EXPLAIN IT AND JONATHAN'S HEART
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WAS ON THE RIGHT PLACE AND I
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FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS
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WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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>> GOD BLESS YOU, JONATHAN.
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>> HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME?
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>> Tosh: IT'S ME DANIEL.
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>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICH.
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>> Tosh: I'M ADEQUATELY
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COMPENSATED.
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I LIVE ON MY PANHANDLE MONEY.
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MY NETWORK KNOWS NOT TO REPLACE
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THE HIGHEST RATED SHOW WITH
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JIMMY FOLLOWON.
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WHERE YOU FROM?
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>> TEXAS.
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THAT EXPLAINS A LOT BECAUSE I
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FEEL PEOPLE FROM TEXAS ARE
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GENUINELY PRIDEFUL OF OUR
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COUNTRY.
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>> TEXAS FIRST, YEAH BUT YEAH,
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USA'S NUMBER ONE.
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>> Tosh: WHY IS TEXAS SO FAR AND
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AWAY THE BEST STATE IN THE
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COUNTRY?
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>> WE'RE THE ONLY STATE TO HAVE
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BEEN A COUNTRY ITSELF FOR TEN
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YEARS AND A C
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>> I WAS HEADING HOME FROM WORK
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ON THE L TRAIN.
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>> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE
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VIDEO.
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>> THE NIGHT BEFORE WE KILLED
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OSAMA BIN LADEN AND I WAS RIDING
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THAT HIGH.
265
00:11:13,433 --> 00:11:15,803
EARLIER I WAS GROUND ZERO,
266
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:22,070
CHANTING USA FIREFIGHTERS.
267
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,227
>> Tosh: YOU'RE A TRUE AMERICAN.
268
00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:27,333
>> I WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO
269
00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:29,773
AFTER WE MURDERED OSAMA BIN
270
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,267
LADEN AND I PRESSED RECORD AND
271
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:32,927
GOT A SHOT AND THOUGHTITE GET
272
00:11:32,933 --> 00:11:35,633
ONE OR TWO PEOPLE.
273
00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:36,773
>> Tosh: HOW LONG UNTIL YOU
274
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:37,097
STOPPED.
275
00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,630
>> A FEW MINUTES.
276
00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,403
>> Tosh: IT WAS AWKWARD?
277
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,870
>> MORE AWKWARD THAN ANYTHING ON
278
00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:44,297
THE VIDEO.
279
00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:49,930
I PUT IT ON YOUTUBE ANY WAY.
280
00:11:49,933 --> 00:11:52,773
>> Tosh: YOU PUT IT ON ANY WAY?
281
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:55,067
>> IT WAS FOR POSTERITY.
282
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,827
ON SO MANY LEVELS IT WAS
283
00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:57,773
INTERESTING TO WATCH.
284
00:11:57,767 --> 00:12:00,527
ARE YOU USUALLY A BETTER LEADER?
285
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:02,273
>> I'M A BETTER LEADER BUT I
286
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:05,567
DON'T LIKE TO FLAUNT IT.
287
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:10,927
>> Tosh: HOW OLD WERE YOU.
288
00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:12,333
>> 19.
289
00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:13,503
>> Tosh: DID YOU JOIN?
290
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,770
>> NO.
291
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,367
>> Tosh: DID YOU SHOOT A GUN?
292
00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:18,067
>> NO.
293
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,727
>> Tosh: ARE YOU KILLED A
294
00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:20,273
TERRORIST?
295
00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,067
>> NO.
296
00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:23,067
>> Tosh: WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE
297
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:23,897
CONSIDER NEW YORK CITY THE
298
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,370
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD?
299
00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:28,497
>> WHAT'S THE SECOND GREATEST?
300
00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,970
>> AUSTIN, TEXAS BUT THOSE ARE
301
00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:34,127
THE TWO PLACES I SPENT THE MOST.
302
00:12:34,133 --> 00:12:37,173
MAYBE ISTANBUL.
303
00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:40,797
>> Tosh: SURE, NEW YORK, AUSTIN,
304
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,430
ISTANBUL.
305
00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:43,673
WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON CANADA?
306
00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,867
>> THEY'RE INSIGNIFICANT.
307
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:50,367
>> Tosh: THAT MAKES ME LAUGH.
308
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:54,497
WHO'S THE MOST PATRIOTIC
309
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:55,070
AMERICAN?
310
00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,367
>> DANIEL DAY LEWIS.
311
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,067
>> Tosh: HE'S NOT AMERICAN.
312
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:00,497
>> HE'S THE MOST AMERICAN
313
00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,070
NON-AMERICAN.
314
00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,197
>> Tosh: YOU INTO POLITICS?
315
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,070
>> YES.
316
00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:03,867
>> Tosh: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE
317
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:04,227
COUNTRY.
318
00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:07,333
>> WE HAVE A DUMBING DOWN OF
319
00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,073
POLITICS.
320
00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:09,567
>> Tosh: DO YOU WATCH HOUSE OF
321
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:10,127
CARDS?
322
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:12,903
>> I WASH THAT SHOW.
323
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:16,170
>> Tosh: I'D VOTE FOR HIM.
324
00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:20,597
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN
325
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,130
YEARS.
326
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,903
>> I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE.
327
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,270
>> Tosh: MARRIED?
328
00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:25,967
>> YES.
329
00:13:25,967 --> 00:13:26,927
>> Tosh: CHILDREN?
330
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:27,333
>> YES.
331
00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:28,573
>> Tosh: OVER THREE.
332
00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:29,197
>> NO.
333
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,100
CAN I GET MY DOLLAR BACK.
334
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,570
>> Tosh: THAT WAS A GIFT.
335
00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:33,627
NOW MEET ME TOMORROW.
336
00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:35,433
WE'RE GOING TO GET THE ENTIRE
337
00:13:35,433 --> 00:13:36,803
PLANET TO CHANT USA.
338
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,830
>> REALLY?
339
00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:39,803
WHERE?
340
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,300
>> Tosh: THE MOST PATRIOTIC
341
00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,230
PLACE IN THE WORLD.
342
00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:43,773
READY TO DO THIS?
343
00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:44,427
>> YES.
344
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:48,633
>> Tosh: HOW MANY TWITTER
345
00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,803
FOLLOWERS DO YOU HAVE?
346
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,370
>> EIGHTY SOMETHING.
347
00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:54,567
>> Tosh: I HAVE MILLIONS SO
348
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,197
WE'LL USE MINE AND WE'LL START
349
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,870
THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST USA
350
00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:00,727
CHANT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN IN
351
00:14:00,733 --> 00:14:09,073
ONE MINUTE.
352
00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,867
>> SHOULD HAVE SAID 30 SECONDS.
353
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,967
EVERYONE'S INSTRUCTED TO START
354
00:14:13,967 --> 00:14:18,297
CHANTING IN THREE, TWO, ONE.
355
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,600
USA!
356
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,300
USA!
357
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:21,700
USA!
358
00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:22,370
USA!
359
00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:22,867
USA!
360
00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:23,967
USA!
361
00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:28,727
USA!
362
00:14:28,733 --> 00:14:29,133
USA!
363
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:31,103
USA!
364
00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,930
USA!
365
00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:38,633
USA!
366
00:14:38,633 --> 00:14:39,173
USA!
367
00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:40,197
USA!
368
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:47,430
USA!
369
00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:47,873
USA!
370
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:48,167
USA!
371
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:48,497
USA!
372
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,070
USA!
373
00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:55,767
USA!
374
00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:56,367
USA!
375
00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:58,697
>> NOW LET'S START THE WAVE.
376
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:02,700
>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, [BLEEP] YOU,
377
00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:03,530
[BLEEP] HOLE.
378
00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:08,333
I'M TAKING MY EAGLE AND MY PIE.
379
00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:09,873
THIS IS WHY "TOSH.0" HAS ALWAYS
380
00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,067
BEEN THE MOST PATRIOTIC SHOW ON
381
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:12,467
TV.
382
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:14,497
YES, INCLUDING JAG.
383
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,700
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
384
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:17,400
WHO CARES ABOUT THE SONS OF
385
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,930
ANARCHY WHEN YOU HAVE THE
386
00:15:18,933 --> 00:15:26,533
DAUGHTERS.
387
00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:32,073
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
388
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,797
>> Tosh: HERE YOU GO.
389
00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:40,630
HEY, DON'T LIE TO ME.
390
00:15:40,633 --> 00:15:42,333
WHEN YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO
391
00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:45,073
CLEAN YOUR ROOM YOU CLEAN IT UP.
392
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:48,227
DON'T PEE ON THE TOILET SEAT.
393
00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:51,103
YOU GOT A CELL PHONE?
394
00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:51,900
DON'T USE IT.
395
00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,930
DON'T USE VIDEO GAME.
396
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:56,873
ALL THESE IDIOTS PLAY VIDEO
397
00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:57,427
GAME.
398
00:15:57,433 --> 00:15:58,733
WHEN YOU GET HOME DO YOUR
399
00:15:58,733 --> 00:15:59,203
HOMEWORK.
400
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,530
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, OKAY?
401
00:16:00,533 --> 00:16:01,973
YOU GOT A BROTHER AND SISTER?
402
00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:02,527
>> YES.
403
00:16:02,533 --> 00:16:04,173
>> DON'T BE FIGHTING WITH THEM,
404
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:04,967
ALL RIGHT.
405
00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:08,927
OKAY, GO AHEAD AND GO DOWN.
406
00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:11,173
YOU LATER, BUDDY.
407
00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,727
>> Tosh: HE FORGOT TO TELL HIM
408
00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:14,703
NEVER LISTEN TO A FIRST BASE
409
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,230
COACH OF A SUB 500 TEAM.
410
00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:19,403
DO WE EVEN NEED A FIRST BASE
411
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:19,930
COACH.
412
00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:24,133
JUST KEEP YOUR SHIN GUARD ON.
413
00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:26,233
MAYBE THE ONE GUY YOU
414
00:16:26,233 --> 00:16:27,903
GO-TO-SHOULDN'T BE YOUR LIFE
415
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:28,500
ADVICE.
416
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,700
BUSTING YOUR BALLS COACH
417
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:32,730
I LIKE TO DOLE OUT PEARLS OF
418
00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:35,873
WISDOM TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT MY
419
00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:36,497
SHOW.
420
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:37,070
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
421
00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:37,927
>> NINE.
422
00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:39,933
>> Tosh: YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE
423
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:40,303
HERE.
424
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,200
DON'T USE SWEAR WORDS.
425
00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,670
DO YOU PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN?
426
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:49,597
ALWAYS SIT TO PEE.
427
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,400
90% OF WHAT PHYSICIANS SAY IS A
428
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,070
CROCK.
429
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:55,827
ALMOST EVERYTHING WILL GO AWAY
430
00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:58,073
ON ITS OWN EXCEPT CANCER.
431
00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:02,667
TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSE.
432
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,297
SMELL ONE.
433
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,300
USE LIP BALM.
434
00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,600
YOU LIKE ORANGE JUICE?
435
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,530
DON'T DRINK IT.
436
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:20,503
IT'S LIKE DRINKING NINE ORANGES.
437
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,300
IF YOU SLEEP WITH A PILLOW
438
00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,270
BETWEEN YOUR LEGS GET NINE.
439
00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:28,327
ONE DAY SOON YOU'LL COME ACROSS
440
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:29,273
A WEARY TRAVELER.
441
00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:30,767
HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND.
442
00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:31,967
MURDER HIM BEFORE HE KILLS
443
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,067
EVERYTHING YOU LOVE.
444
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:35,367
YOU KNOW YOU CAN STILL HAVE SEX
445
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:36,567
WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON HER
446
00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:39,467
PERIOD JUST LAY A TOWEL DOWN.
447
00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:44,297
AND MAKE SURE COOKIES ARE COOL
448
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,200
BEFORE ICING.
449
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,500
YOU LIKE CUBANS?
450
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,930
>> THEY'RE EXCELLENT PEOPLE.
451
00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:50,733
>> Tosh: IF A WOMAN EVER TELLS
452
00:17:50,733 --> 00:17:55,103
YOU SHE'S PREGNANT GO LIKE THIS.
453
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,500
IF SHE'S UPSET IT MEANS SHE'S
454
00:17:56,500 --> 00:18:00,400
INTO THE PATIENT ENOUGH TO BE A
455
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:00,930
MOTHER.
456
00:18:00,933 --> 00:18:02,203
AND WISE OUT.
457
00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,670
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
458
00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:05,497
>> THE WIRED.
459
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,870
>> Tosh: WATCH A SHOW THAT
460
00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:09,967
DOESN'T RELIE ON CHEAP RACIAL
461
00:18:09,967 --> 00:18:11,267
STEREOTYPES FOR CONTENT.
462
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:14,897
HERE'S GOOD ADVICE, PARENTS IF
463
00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:17,070
YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOWS WITH
464
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,797
YOUR KIDS YOU'RE TERRIBLE
465
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,530
PARENTS AND YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE
466
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:21,473
IN FOSTER CARE.
467
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,767
NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE VIEWER
468
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:27,327
VINE OF THE WEEK.
469
00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:30,803
>> NO!
470
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:31,470
NO!
471
00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:34,167
>> Tosh: OF COURSE THAT BANANA'S
472
00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:34,767
UPSET
473
00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:36,627
YOU CAN'T PICK HIS BUDDIES.
474
00:18:36,633 --> 00:18:38,673
THEY'RE GROWING ON AN ELM TREE
475
00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,927
AND THAT'S A MIRACLE.
476
00:18:39,933 --> 00:18:41,273
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
477
00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:50,727
WEB SHOWS.
478
00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:51,733
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
479
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:53,173
DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR'S FUEL
480
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,327
GAUGE HAS AN ARROW TO TELL YOU
481
00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:57,703
WHICH SIDE YOUR GAS CAP IS ON?
482
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,130
IT DOES.
483
00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:02,873
NEXT WEEK MY FAVORITE SASSY 7th
484
00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,867
GRADER IS HERE LOANTHONY.
485
00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:08,167
>> CALLING ALL THE BASIC
486
00:19:08,167 --> 00:19:08,867
BITCHES.
487
00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:14,567
THERE'S A NEW ANNOUNCEMENT.
488
00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:17,367
>> Tosh: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
489
00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,797
BASIC MEANS?
490
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:23,430
GUESS WHAT, YOUR BASIC.
491
00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:25,573
SINCE I'M ALWAYS WON TO
492
00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:28,227
CHALLENGE MYSELF I'LL USE A NEW
493
00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,703
APP CALLED SPEECH JAMMER.
494
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:33,630
IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO TALK.
495
00:19:33,633 --> 00:19:34,173
OKAY.
496
00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,497
SO I NEED TO YOU FOLLOW ME ON
497
00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:44,270
TWITTER AT DANIEL TOSH DOT COM.
498
00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,527
GO WITH A LIVE CHAT STARTING
499
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:47,533
DURING THE SHOW.
500
00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:51,233
PLEASE KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT
501
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:56,273
TOSH DOT COM CENTRAL YOU CAN GO
502
00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,967
TO THE STORE AND BUY STUFF.
503
00:19:58,967 --> 00:20:01,327
I THINK ALSO I HAVE MY WEBSITE
504
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,873
WILL HAVE STANDUP DATES I'M
505
00:20:03,867 --> 00:20:06,427
GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE.
506
00:20:06,433 --> 00:20:08,633
I LIKE PHOENIX AS WELL.
507
00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:11,003
IF YOU WANT TO COME WATCH ME
508
00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,430
THERE MAKE SURE AFTER -- AFTER
509
00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:18,733
THIS SHOW AIRS YOU WILL SEE A
510
00:20:18,733 --> 00:20:21,573
BRAND NEW SHOW OF BRICKLEBERRY.
511
00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:24,397
I LOVE BRICKLEBERRY.
512
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:24,900
OKAY.
513
00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:27,100
I'M PRETTY SURE I NAILED THAT.
514
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,600
ALL RIGHT, ENJOY SLEEPING IN
515
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,670
TOMORROW.
516
00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,997
THAT SHOULD BE THE TRADITION ON
517
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,130
11 BECAUSE IF ANYTHING WE
518
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:39,873
LEARNED THERE'S WORSE THINGS
519
00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:40,867
THAT MISSING A FLIGHT.
520
00:20:40,867 --> 00:20:42,267
WAS THAT OVER THE LINE?
521
00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:44,497
OKAY, I'D LIKE TO USE MY
522
00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:45,170
CHALLENGE.
523
00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:47,427
OKAY, IT APPEARS YOU WERE RIGHT.
524
00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:50,903
IT WAS OVER THE LINE BY A MILE.
525
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:52,700
MY APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE.
526
00:20:52,700 --> 00:21:03,400
GOOD NIGHT.
527
00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,930
>> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN
528
00:21:04,933 --> 00:21:06,603
YOU GET OLDER?
529
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,500
DOESN'T MATTER.
530
00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,600
DOING WHAT YOU LOVE WHEN YOU GET
531
00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,330
OLDER IS THE FASTEST WAY TO HATE
532
00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:12,773
IT.
533
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:13,667
ALWAYS WEAR A BELT.
32688
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