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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:14,133 --> 00:00:26,473 [ DISCLAIMER ] 2 00:00:26,467 --> 00:00:27,327 >> OH, MY GOD. 3 00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:28,433 OH, MY GOD. 4 00:00:28,433 --> 00:00:40,933 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 5 00:00:40,933 --> 00:00:42,733 >> Tosh: YOU KNOW THE NFL ISN'T 6 00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,473 GIVING HUSH MONEY TO EVERYONE 7 00:00:44,467 --> 00:00:46,767 WITH A CONCUSSION, RIGHT? 8 00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:49,867 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" AND NO I 9 00:00:49,867 --> 00:00:51,427 DIDN'T GET LAZY AND PUT ON THE 10 00:00:51,433 --> 00:00:53,173 SAME OUTFIT AS LAST WEEK. 11 00:00:53,167 --> 00:00:54,527 THIS IS THE SEASON OF SUBTLE 12 00:00:54,533 --> 00:00:55,033 DIFFERENCES. 13 00:00:55,033 --> 00:00:57,503 CAN YOU FIND IT? 14 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,270 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE SEE WHAT 15 00:00:59,267 --> 00:01:00,767 HAPPENS WHEN AMERICA FORGETS TO 16 00:01:00,767 --> 00:01:02,367 NEVER FORGET, I SHARE SECRETS 17 00:01:02,367 --> 00:01:04,767 WITH A LITTLE BOY AND I PAY 99 18 00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,467 CENTS TO SOUND LIKE I'M HAVING A 19 00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:06,927 STROKE. 20 00:01:06,933 --> 00:01:08,073 NOW, THERE'S ONLY TWO WAYS TO 21 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,497 GET A JOB WORKING AT TRIPLE A. 22 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:15,370 YOU CAN BE SEXED IN OR DO THIS. 23 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:19,167 OH, ANY GOD. 24 00:01:19,167 --> 00:01:22,297 OH, MY GOD. 25 00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:27,070 OH, MY GOD. 26 00:01:27,067 --> 00:01:29,097 >> Tosh: LOOK AT THE SCARF. 27 00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:31,400 THESE FANSIEST IDIOT IN TOWN. 28 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:41,100 >> YOU'RE INSANE. 29 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:43,600 >> Tosh: HE PROBABLY LOCKED HIS 30 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:44,770 BABY IN THERE. 31 00:01:44,767 --> 00:01:45,327 >> GOD. 32 00:01:45,333 --> 00:01:48,333 ONE MORE? 33 00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:49,633 >> Tosh: NOBODY TELL HIM WITH 34 00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:51,073 THE SPARE KEY. 35 00:01:51,067 --> 00:01:54,767 ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, IF YOU EVER 36 00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:57,097 HAD A GIRLS LOCKER ROOM FANTASY 37 00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,470 THIS OUGHT TO RUIN IT. 38 00:01:59,467 --> 00:02:00,367 >> READY? 39 00:02:00,367 --> 00:02:02,497 LOOK AT THIS. 40 00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:03,630 >> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, ONE OF YOU 41 00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:05,703 IS EATING MORE THAN JUST FRENCH 42 00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:07,930 FRIES AT LUNCH. 43 00:02:07,933 --> 00:02:14,673 >> READY, GO. 44 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:15,827 >> Tosh: I THINK IT JUST WINKED 45 00:02:15,833 --> 00:02:18,073 AT THEM. 46 00:02:18,067 --> 00:02:19,627 [ SCREAMING ] 47 00:02:19,633 --> 00:02:22,433 >> Tosh: COME ON, LADIES, USE 48 00:02:22,433 --> 00:02:24,503 YOUR PEE TO LASER IT IN HALF AND 49 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:26,070 THEN FLUSH IT DOWN. 50 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:28,927 THAT'S PLUMBING 101. 51 00:02:28,933 --> 00:02:30,603 IS ISN'T ELSE CONCERNED THERE'S 52 00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:33,670 NO TOILET PAPER. 53 00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:38,827 THIS IS MY FAVORITE NINE FOR IX 54 00:02:38,833 --> 00:02:40,573 ON ESPN. 55 00:02:40,567 --> 00:02:41,927 THIS TAKES ME BACK JUST A FEW 56 00:02:41,933 --> 00:02:43,273 SHORT YEARS AGO. 57 00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:45,227 >> I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE 58 00:02:45,233 --> 00:02:46,773 USED THE TOILET. 59 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:47,967 >> Tosh: I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD 60 00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,097 HAVE USED IT SIX YEARS AGO. 61 00:02:50,100 --> 00:02:51,970 SORRY, BUDDY. 62 00:02:51,967 --> 00:02:55,067 LET'S NOT DO THE MATH ON THAT. 63 00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:56,897 EVEN ASIAN PEOPLE HAVE TO ADMIT 64 00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:58,200 A LOT OF THESE KIDS LOOK 65 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:08,070 SIMILAR. 66 00:03:08,067 --> 00:03:10,127 ALL THIS [BLEEP]ING AROUND IS 67 00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:12,603 WHY THE iPHONE 5-S IS WHY IT'S 68 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:13,970 TAKING SO LONG. 69 00:03:13,967 --> 00:03:15,927 EVERY PING PONG PADDLE IS 70 00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:18,733 PERSONALLY TESTED BY THE CHILD 71 00:03:18,733 --> 00:03:19,733 WHO MAKES IT. 72 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,573 WHEN AGE DO THEY START USING 73 00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:25,727 THAT RIDICULOUS HAND GRIP? 74 00:03:25,733 --> 00:03:27,973 COMMUNISTS LOVE DOGS THINGS IN 75 00:03:27,967 --> 00:03:28,527 LINE. 76 00:03:28,533 --> 00:03:30,073 YES, IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING 77 00:03:30,067 --> 00:03:37,067 THEY KILLED THE LEFTY AS IS 78 00:03:37,067 --> 00:03:37,627 APPROPRIATE. 79 00:03:37,633 --> 00:03:40,073 I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU CHINA. 80 00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:42,267 IN CAN TAKE ALL THOSE KIDS ON AT 81 00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:52,227 ONCE. 82 00:03:52,233 --> 00:03:55,333 IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING I WON 83 00:03:55,333 --> 00:03:55,903 11-2. 84 00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,270 CHINA GOT SKUNKED. 85 00:03:57,267 --> 00:04:00,597 OKAY, LADIES LET'S STICK WITH 86 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:03,530 THE KEY CHAIN SIZED CAN OF 87 00:04:03,533 --> 00:04:07,073 PEPPER SPRAY FROM NOW ON. 88 00:04:07,067 --> 00:04:15,297 >> I LIKE THAT. 89 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:16,500 >> OH, YEAH. 90 00:04:16,500 --> 00:04:16,930 DONE? 91 00:04:16,933 --> 00:04:17,873 >> I DON'T KNOW. 92 00:04:17,867 --> 00:04:20,367 >> PULL THE TRIGGER ONE MORE 93 00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:20,867 TIME. 94 00:04:20,867 --> 00:04:22,867 THERE YOU GO. 95 00:04:22,867 --> 00:04:24,397 PUT IT ON SAFE. 96 00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:25,400 >> RELAX. 97 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:26,870 I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO THIS. 98 00:04:26,867 --> 00:04:28,327 >> Tosh: YOU'RE NOT EVEN 99 00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:29,533 SUPPOSED TO LET THEM HAVE THE 100 00:04:29,533 --> 00:04:31,873 REMOTE CONTROL. 101 00:04:31,867 --> 00:04:33,197 THIS IS HOW I BELIEVE KURT 102 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,330 COBAIN DIED. 103 00:04:36,333 --> 00:04:39,273 >> THERE YOU GO. 104 00:04:39,267 --> 00:04:43,397 >> RELAX, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO 105 00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:43,930 THIS. 106 00:04:43,933 --> 00:04:45,773 >> Tosh: ONLY A POINTED GUN AT A 107 00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,697 DUDE AND MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE IT'S 108 00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:48,400 HIS FAULT. 109 00:04:48,400 --> 00:05:03,070 TIME GO BIG OR GO HOME. 110 00:05:03,067 --> 00:05:05,967 HOME IT IS. 111 00:05:05,967 --> 00:05:09,367 JUST BECAUSE YOU WON THE RAFFLE 112 00:05:09,367 --> 00:05:10,927 DOESN'T MEAN HAVE YOU TO USE THE 113 00:05:10,933 --> 00:05:12,133 MOUNTAIN BIKE. 114 00:05:12,133 --> 00:05:14,273 I BLAME THE IMAGINARY FRIEND 115 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:18,267 RIDING ON HIS HANDLEBARS. 116 00:05:18,267 --> 00:05:20,297 HE'S PROBABLY ALLERGIC TO 117 00:05:20,300 --> 00:05:21,900 EVERYTHING THAT JUST FELL ON 118 00:05:21,900 --> 00:05:22,300 HIM. 119 00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:23,670 JUST ONCE HE DIDN'T WANT TO BE 120 00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:24,767 THE GUY THAT HAS TO WALK IT UP 121 00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:25,367 THE HILL. 122 00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,627 WHAT'S NEXT? 123 00:05:27,633 --> 00:05:32,673 >> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER. 124 00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:38,197 OH, MY GOD. 125 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,830 >> Tosh: WHAT AN [BLEEP]. 126 00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:42,433 NOW, LET'S WATCH FLORIDA BEING 127 00:05:42,433 --> 00:05:43,533 FLORIDA IN THIS WEEK'S 128 00:05:43,533 --> 00:05:46,333 BREAKDOWN. 129 00:05:46,333 --> 00:05:51,073 >> BUTTWATER, BUTTWATER, 130 00:05:51,067 --> 00:05:52,097 BUTTWATER. 131 00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:57,330 >> YOU CAN TELL IT'S ORLANDO. 132 00:05:57,333 --> 00:05:58,873 IF YOU SAY HIS NAME THREE TIMES 133 00:05:58,867 --> 00:06:05,797 HE'LL APPEAR. 134 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,800 HIS LAWN'S GETTING WATER AND 135 00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:10,570 FERTILIZED AT THE SAME TIME. 136 00:06:10,567 --> 00:06:12,327 IF MILEY TAUGHT US ANYTHING IS 137 00:06:12,333 --> 00:06:14,573 YOU CAN HAVE A GROSS ASS AND GET 138 00:06:14,567 --> 00:06:15,927 TONS OF ATTENTION. 139 00:06:15,933 --> 00:06:18,733 >> HERE HE GOES AGAIN. 140 00:06:18,733 --> 00:06:20,233 >> Tosh: I'D PUT MY THUMB OVER 141 00:06:20,233 --> 00:06:21,973 IT TO GET SOME DISTANCE. 142 00:06:21,967 --> 00:06:23,697 KEEP IN MIND, THESE ARE THE 143 00:06:23,700 --> 00:06:25,100 PEOPLE WHO DECIDED THE LAST FOUR 144 00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:28,170 ELECTIONS. 145 00:06:28,167 --> 00:06:30,797 ANY CHANCE HE'S NOT USING THE 146 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,570 HOSE AND GOING STRAIGHT TOLD 147 00:06:32,567 --> 00:06:33,197 SPIGOT. 148 00:06:33,200 --> 00:06:34,400 >> HERE WE GO. 149 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:35,970 WATCH OUT! 150 00:06:35,967 --> 00:06:39,067 >> Tosh: TWO ENCORES? 151 00:06:39,067 --> 00:06:40,897 BUTTWATER THINKS HE'S PAUL 152 00:06:40,900 --> 00:06:41,700 MCCARTNEY. 153 00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:42,970 CLOSING SPEED FOR A GUY PINCHING 154 00:06:42,967 --> 00:06:51,267 A GAL ON OF WATER IN HIS ANUS. 155 00:06:51,267 --> 00:06:54,767 THANKS FOR COMING TO MY 156 00:06:54,767 --> 00:06:55,267 BARBECUE. 157 00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:58,867 HE'S BEEN BUTT-IZED. 158 00:06:58,867 --> 00:07:02,727 HIS BUTT BELONGS TO BUTT JESUS. 159 00:07:02,733 --> 00:07:04,533 LADIES, POOP WATER? 160 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:07,670 NO? 161 00:07:07,667 --> 00:07:08,927 FOR THAT WE THANK YOU AND ANY 162 00:07:08,933 --> 00:07:11,573 LOVE MAKING PROWESS IS STUFF OF 163 00:07:11,567 --> 00:07:13,327 LEGEND AND I'M READY TO SHARE 164 00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:14,773 TECHNIQUES WITH THE WORLD AND I 165 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:18,727 PROUDLY GIVE YOU MY 100% ORGASM 166 00:07:18,733 --> 00:07:19,803 GUARANTEED "TOSH.0" SEX POSITION 167 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,970 OF THE WEEK. 168 00:07:22,967 --> 00:07:24,727 >> IN THIS POSITION THE WOMAN'S 169 00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:26,373 FACING THE MAN'S LAP FACING 170 00:07:26,367 --> 00:07:26,797 FORWARD. 171 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,700 THEY BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS IN THE 172 00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,130 AIR AND SCREAM AS IF ON A ROLLER 173 00:07:30,133 --> 00:07:32,303 COASTER. 174 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:34,830 AT THE MOMENT OF CLIMAX A 175 00:07:34,833 --> 00:07:36,073 STRANGER COMES AND TAKES THE 176 00:07:36,067 --> 00:07:37,897 PICTURE. 177 00:07:37,900 --> 00:07:39,670 YOU CAN THEN HAVE THE OPTION TO 178 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,627 PURCHASE THE PICTURES FOR $12 179 00:07:41,633 --> 00:07:43,273 AND THAT'S HOW YOU PERFORM THE 180 00:07:43,267 --> 00:07:44,497 ROLLER COASTER. 181 00:07:44,500 --> 00:07:46,230 THANKS, DANIEL AND REMEMBER, 182 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:56,973 KEEP ON [BLEEP]ING. 183 00:07:56,967 --> 00:07:59,627 >> OKAY, NEW YORKERS THIS ISN'T 184 00:07:59,633 --> 00:08:01,403 ALWAYS APPROPRIATE BUT IT IS 185 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,770 TODAY SO ANYBODY WITH A PAIR, 186 00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:09,597 JOIN ME, USA, USA, COME ON, USA, 187 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:12,830 USA, ANYBODY GIVE A [BLEEP]? 188 00:08:12,833 --> 00:08:13,173 USA! 189 00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:13,897 USA! 190 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,630 ALL RIGHT. 191 00:08:16,633 --> 00:08:19,803 YOU'RE WELCOME TO ALL THE 192 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:20,400 MILITARY. 193 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:25,100 EVERYONE WHO PROTECTS YOU WHILE 194 00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,400 YOU SLEEP. 195 00:08:26,400 --> 00:08:28,600 >> Tosh: THAT FRUSTRATED PATRIOT 196 00:08:28,600 --> 00:08:30,130 IS JONATHAN AND THE FORGOT THE 197 00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:31,973 NUMBER ONE RULE ON A SUBWAY, 198 00:08:31,967 --> 00:08:33,197 SHUT THE [BLEEP] UP. 199 00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,070 HE WAS JUST TRYING TO THE CHANT 200 00:08:35,067 --> 00:08:37,067 GOING THE DAY AFTER WE KILLED 201 00:08:37,067 --> 00:08:40,197 OSAMA BIN LADEN. 202 00:08:40,200 --> 00:08:42,170 UNFORTUNATELY CHANT DON'T WORK 203 00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:44,827 OR CHANTING DEREK JETER WOULD 204 00:08:44,833 --> 00:08:46,403 MAKE HIM A MASCOT. 205 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,630 TOMORROW IS SEPTEMBER 11. 206 00:08:48,633 --> 00:08:49,933 AMERICA'S SADDEST HOLIDAY. 207 00:08:49,933 --> 00:08:51,403 YOU MIAMI REMEMBER IT AS THE DAY 208 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,100 BEN FOLDS RELEASED HIS FIRST 209 00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,630 SOLO ALBUM. 210 00:08:56,633 --> 00:08:58,203 C 211 00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,070 CONSPIRACY THEORISTS SAY IT WAS 212 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:03,197 AN INSIDE JOB. 213 00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,900 YOU KNOW WHO'S TOO LAZY TRYING 214 00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,470 TO PLAN AN ATTACK IS PEOPLE IN 215 00:09:08,467 --> 00:09:09,097 AMERICA. 216 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,330 I GET ANGRY SPELLING 217 00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:11,073 AFGHANISTAN. 218 00:09:11,067 --> 00:09:12,197 HAND IT TO TERRORISTS THEY'RE 219 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,330 NOTHING IF NOT INVENTIVE. 220 00:09:13,333 --> 00:09:15,103 THE WORSE I CAN DO WITH A 221 00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:18,570 PRESSURE COOKER IS MAKE BURNT 222 00:09:18,567 --> 00:09:19,397 RISOTTO. 223 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:21,630 SURE, 9-11 WAS A LOT FOR THE 224 00:09:21,633 --> 00:09:24,203 COUNTRY TO HANDLE ESPECIALLY OFF 225 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:28,200 THE HEELS OF Y2K BUT I WATCH 226 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,830 MILLION DOLLAR LISTINGS AND NEW 227 00:09:30,833 --> 00:09:31,833 YORK CITY IS BACK. 228 00:09:31,833 --> 00:09:33,433 I'LL WAIT FOR A COMIC NO ONE HAS 229 00:09:33,433 --> 00:09:39,803 HEARD OF TO GET WASTED AND 230 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:45,570 EXPLAIN IT AND JONATHAN'S HEART 231 00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:48,467 WAS ON THE RIGHT PLACE AND I 232 00:09:48,467 --> 00:09:51,867 FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THIS 233 00:09:51,867 --> 00:10:01,167 WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 234 00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,827 >> GOD BLESS YOU, JONATHAN. 235 00:10:02,833 --> 00:10:05,403 >> HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME? 236 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:06,500 >> Tosh: IT'S ME DANIEL. 237 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:10,400 >> I THOUGHT YOU WERE RICH. 238 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,730 >> Tosh: I'M ADEQUATELY 239 00:10:12,733 --> 00:10:13,373 COMPENSATED. 240 00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:17,527 I LIVE ON MY PANHANDLE MONEY. 241 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:19,333 MY NETWORK KNOWS NOT TO REPLACE 242 00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:21,303 THE HIGHEST RATED SHOW WITH 243 00:10:21,300 --> 00:10:22,530 JIMMY FOLLOWON. 244 00:10:22,533 --> 00:10:23,403 WHERE YOU FROM? 245 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:24,700 >> TEXAS. 246 00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:26,130 THAT EXPLAINS A LOT BECAUSE I 247 00:10:26,133 --> 00:10:28,433 FEEL PEOPLE FROM TEXAS ARE 248 00:10:28,433 --> 00:10:29,703 GENUINELY PRIDEFUL OF OUR 249 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:30,330 COUNTRY. 250 00:10:30,333 --> 00:10:32,773 >> TEXAS FIRST, YEAH BUT YEAH, 251 00:10:32,767 --> 00:10:35,297 USA'S NUMBER ONE. 252 00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:37,200 >> Tosh: WHY IS TEXAS SO FAR AND 253 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:39,030 AWAY THE BEST STATE IN THE 254 00:10:39,033 --> 00:10:39,503 COUNTRY? 255 00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:41,330 >> WE'RE THE ONLY STATE TO HAVE 256 00:10:41,333 --> 00:10:44,073 BEEN A COUNTRY ITSELF FOR TEN 257 00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:59,027 YEARS AND A C 258 00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:04,430 >> I WAS HEADING HOME FROM WORK 259 00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:05,933 ON THE L TRAIN. 260 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:08,373 >> Tosh: WHY'D YOU MAKE THE 261 00:11:08,367 --> 00:11:08,827 VIDEO. 262 00:11:08,833 --> 00:11:10,903 >> THE NIGHT BEFORE WE KILLED 263 00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,270 OSAMA BIN LADEN AND I WAS RIDING 264 00:11:12,267 --> 00:11:13,427 THAT HIGH. 265 00:11:13,433 --> 00:11:15,803 EARLIER I WAS GROUND ZERO, 266 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:22,070 CHANTING USA FIREFIGHTERS. 267 00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,227 >> Tosh: YOU'RE A TRUE AMERICAN. 268 00:11:23,233 --> 00:11:27,333 >> I WANTED TO MAKE A VIDEO 269 00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:29,773 AFTER WE MURDERED OSAMA BIN 270 00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,267 LADEN AND I PRESSED RECORD AND 271 00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:32,927 GOT A SHOT AND THOUGHTITE GET 272 00:11:32,933 --> 00:11:35,633 ONE OR TWO PEOPLE. 273 00:11:35,633 --> 00:11:36,773 >> Tosh: HOW LONG UNTIL YOU 274 00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:37,097 STOPPED. 275 00:11:37,100 --> 00:11:39,630 >> A FEW MINUTES. 276 00:11:39,633 --> 00:11:41,403 >> Tosh: IT WAS AWKWARD? 277 00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:42,870 >> MORE AWKWARD THAN ANYTHING ON 278 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:44,297 THE VIDEO. 279 00:11:44,300 --> 00:11:49,930 I PUT IT ON YOUTUBE ANY WAY. 280 00:11:49,933 --> 00:11:52,773 >> Tosh: YOU PUT IT ON ANY WAY? 281 00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:55,067 >> IT WAS FOR POSTERITY. 282 00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,827 ON SO MANY LEVELS IT WAS 283 00:11:56,833 --> 00:11:57,773 INTERESTING TO WATCH. 284 00:11:57,767 --> 00:12:00,527 ARE YOU USUALLY A BETTER LEADER? 285 00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:02,273 >> I'M A BETTER LEADER BUT I 286 00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:05,567 DON'T LIKE TO FLAUNT IT. 287 00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:10,927 >> Tosh: HOW OLD WERE YOU. 288 00:12:10,933 --> 00:12:12,333 >> 19. 289 00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:13,503 >> Tosh: DID YOU JOIN? 290 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,770 >> NO. 291 00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:17,367 >> Tosh: DID YOU SHOOT A GUN? 292 00:12:17,367 --> 00:12:18,067 >> NO. 293 00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,727 >> Tosh: ARE YOU KILLED A 294 00:12:19,733 --> 00:12:20,273 TERRORIST? 295 00:12:20,267 --> 00:12:21,067 >> NO. 296 00:12:21,067 --> 00:12:23,067 >> Tosh: WHY DO YOU THINK PEOPLE 297 00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:23,897 CONSIDER NEW YORK CITY THE 298 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,370 GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD? 299 00:12:26,367 --> 00:12:28,497 >> WHAT'S THE SECOND GREATEST? 300 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:31,970 >> AUSTIN, TEXAS BUT THOSE ARE 301 00:12:31,967 --> 00:12:34,127 THE TWO PLACES I SPENT THE MOST. 302 00:12:34,133 --> 00:12:37,173 MAYBE ISTANBUL. 303 00:12:37,167 --> 00:12:40,797 >> Tosh: SURE, NEW YORK, AUSTIN, 304 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,430 ISTANBUL. 305 00:12:41,433 --> 00:12:43,673 WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON CANADA? 306 00:12:43,667 --> 00:12:46,867 >> THEY'RE INSIGNIFICANT. 307 00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:50,367 >> Tosh: THAT MAKES ME LAUGH. 308 00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:54,497 WHO'S THE MOST PATRIOTIC 309 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:55,070 AMERICAN? 310 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:56,367 >> DANIEL DAY LEWIS. 311 00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:58,067 >> Tosh: HE'S NOT AMERICAN. 312 00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:00,497 >> HE'S THE MOST AMERICAN 313 00:13:00,500 --> 00:13:01,070 NON-AMERICAN. 314 00:13:01,067 --> 00:13:02,197 >> Tosh: YOU INTO POLITICS? 315 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,070 >> YES. 316 00:13:03,067 --> 00:13:03,867 >> Tosh: WHAT'S GOING ON IN THE 317 00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:04,227 COUNTRY. 318 00:13:04,233 --> 00:13:07,333 >> WE HAVE A DUMBING DOWN OF 319 00:13:07,333 --> 00:13:08,073 POLITICS. 320 00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:09,567 >> Tosh: DO YOU WATCH HOUSE OF 321 00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:10,127 CARDS? 322 00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:12,903 >> I WASH THAT SHOW. 323 00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:16,170 >> Tosh: I'D VOTE FOR HIM. 324 00:13:16,167 --> 00:13:20,597 WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN 325 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,130 YEARS. 326 00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,903 >> I CAN'T SEE THE FUTURE. 327 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,270 >> Tosh: MARRIED? 328 00:13:25,267 --> 00:13:25,967 >> YES. 329 00:13:25,967 --> 00:13:26,927 >> Tosh: CHILDREN? 330 00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:27,333 >> YES. 331 00:13:27,333 --> 00:13:28,573 >> Tosh: OVER THREE. 332 00:13:28,567 --> 00:13:29,197 >> NO. 333 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:31,100 CAN I GET MY DOLLAR BACK. 334 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:32,570 >> Tosh: THAT WAS A GIFT. 335 00:13:32,567 --> 00:13:33,627 NOW MEET ME TOMORROW. 336 00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:35,433 WE'RE GOING TO GET THE ENTIRE 337 00:13:35,433 --> 00:13:36,803 PLANET TO CHANT USA. 338 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,830 >> REALLY? 339 00:13:38,833 --> 00:13:39,803 WHERE? 340 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,300 >> Tosh: THE MOST PATRIOTIC 341 00:13:41,300 --> 00:13:42,230 PLACE IN THE WORLD. 342 00:13:42,233 --> 00:13:43,773 READY TO DO THIS? 343 00:13:43,767 --> 00:13:44,427 >> YES. 344 00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:48,633 >> Tosh: HOW MANY TWITTER 345 00:13:48,633 --> 00:13:50,803 FOLLOWERS DO YOU HAVE? 346 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,370 >> EIGHTY SOMETHING. 347 00:13:52,367 --> 00:13:54,567 >> Tosh: I HAVE MILLIONS SO 348 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,197 WE'LL USE MINE AND WE'LL START 349 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,870 THE BIGGEST AND BADDEST USA 350 00:13:58,867 --> 00:14:00,727 CHANT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN IN 351 00:14:00,733 --> 00:14:09,073 ONE MINUTE. 352 00:14:09,067 --> 00:14:11,867 >> SHOULD HAVE SAID 30 SECONDS. 353 00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:13,967 EVERYONE'S INSTRUCTED TO START 354 00:14:13,967 --> 00:14:18,297 CHANTING IN THREE, TWO, ONE. 355 00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,600 USA! 356 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,300 USA! 357 00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:21,700 USA! 358 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:22,370 USA! 359 00:14:22,367 --> 00:14:22,867 USA! 360 00:14:22,867 --> 00:14:23,967 USA! 361 00:14:23,967 --> 00:14:28,727 USA! 362 00:14:28,733 --> 00:14:29,133 USA! 363 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:31,103 USA! 364 00:14:31,100 --> 00:14:32,930 USA! 365 00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:38,633 USA! 366 00:14:38,633 --> 00:14:39,173 USA! 367 00:14:39,167 --> 00:14:40,197 USA! 368 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:47,430 USA! 369 00:14:47,433 --> 00:14:47,873 USA! 370 00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:48,167 USA! 371 00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:48,497 USA! 372 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,070 USA! 373 00:14:50,067 --> 00:14:55,767 USA! 374 00:14:55,767 --> 00:14:56,367 USA! 375 00:14:56,367 --> 00:14:58,697 >> NOW LET'S START THE WAVE. 376 00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:02,700 >> Tosh: ALL RIGHT, [BLEEP] YOU, 377 00:15:02,700 --> 00:15:03,530 [BLEEP] HOLE. 378 00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:08,333 I'M TAKING MY EAGLE AND MY PIE. 379 00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:09,873 THIS IS WHY "TOSH.0" HAS ALWAYS 380 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:12,067 BEEN THE MOST PATRIOTIC SHOW ON 381 00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:12,467 TV. 382 00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:14,497 YES, INCLUDING JAG. 383 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,700 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 384 00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:17,400 WHO CARES ABOUT THE SONS OF 385 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,930 ANARCHY WHEN YOU HAVE THE 386 00:15:18,933 --> 00:15:26,533 DAUGHTERS. 387 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:32,073 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 388 00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:33,797 >> Tosh: HERE YOU GO. 389 00:15:33,800 --> 00:15:40,630 HEY, DON'T LIE TO ME. 390 00:15:40,633 --> 00:15:42,333 WHEN YOUR MOTHER TELLS YOU TO 391 00:15:42,333 --> 00:15:45,073 CLEAN YOUR ROOM YOU CLEAN IT UP. 392 00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:48,227 DON'T PEE ON THE TOILET SEAT. 393 00:15:48,233 --> 00:15:51,103 YOU GOT A CELL PHONE? 394 00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:51,900 DON'T USE IT. 395 00:15:51,900 --> 00:15:53,930 DON'T USE VIDEO GAME. 396 00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:56,873 ALL THESE IDIOTS PLAY VIDEO 397 00:15:56,867 --> 00:15:57,427 GAME. 398 00:15:57,433 --> 00:15:58,733 WHEN YOU GET HOME DO YOUR 399 00:15:58,733 --> 00:15:59,203 HOMEWORK. 400 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,530 EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, OKAY? 401 00:16:00,533 --> 00:16:01,973 YOU GOT A BROTHER AND SISTER? 402 00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:02,527 >> YES. 403 00:16:02,533 --> 00:16:04,173 >> DON'T BE FIGHTING WITH THEM, 404 00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:04,967 ALL RIGHT. 405 00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:08,927 OKAY, GO AHEAD AND GO DOWN. 406 00:16:08,933 --> 00:16:11,173 YOU LATER, BUDDY. 407 00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:12,727 >> Tosh: HE FORGOT TO TELL HIM 408 00:16:12,733 --> 00:16:14,703 NEVER LISTEN TO A FIRST BASE 409 00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:16,230 COACH OF A SUB 500 TEAM. 410 00:16:16,233 --> 00:16:19,403 DO WE EVEN NEED A FIRST BASE 411 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:19,930 COACH. 412 00:16:19,933 --> 00:16:24,133 JUST KEEP YOUR SHIN GUARD ON. 413 00:16:24,133 --> 00:16:26,233 MAYBE THE ONE GUY YOU 414 00:16:26,233 --> 00:16:27,903 GO-TO-SHOULDN'T BE YOUR LIFE 415 00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:28,500 ADVICE. 416 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,700 BUSTING YOUR BALLS COACH 417 00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:32,730 I LIKE TO DOLE OUT PEARLS OF 418 00:16:32,733 --> 00:16:35,873 WISDOM TO THE YOUNGSTERS AT MY 419 00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:36,497 SHOW. 420 00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:37,070 HOW OLD ARE YOU? 421 00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:37,927 >> NINE. 422 00:16:37,933 --> 00:16:39,933 >> Tosh: YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO BE 423 00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:40,303 HERE. 424 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:42,200 DON'T USE SWEAR WORDS. 425 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:46,670 DO YOU PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN? 426 00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:49,597 ALWAYS SIT TO PEE. 427 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,400 90% OF WHAT PHYSICIANS SAY IS A 428 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,070 CROCK. 429 00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:55,827 ALMOST EVERYTHING WILL GO AWAY 430 00:16:55,833 --> 00:16:58,073 ON ITS OWN EXCEPT CANCER. 431 00:16:58,067 --> 00:17:02,667 TAKE TIME TO SMELL THE ROSE. 432 00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:04,297 SMELL ONE. 433 00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:06,300 USE LIP BALM. 434 00:17:06,300 --> 00:17:07,600 YOU LIKE ORANGE JUICE? 435 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,530 DON'T DRINK IT. 436 00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:20,503 IT'S LIKE DRINKING NINE ORANGES. 437 00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,300 IF YOU SLEEP WITH A PILLOW 438 00:17:24,300 --> 00:17:26,270 BETWEEN YOUR LEGS GET NINE. 439 00:17:26,267 --> 00:17:28,327 ONE DAY SOON YOU'LL COME ACROSS 440 00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:29,273 A WEARY TRAVELER. 441 00:17:29,267 --> 00:17:30,767 HE'S NOT YOUR FRIEND. 442 00:17:30,767 --> 00:17:31,967 MURDER HIM BEFORE HE KILLS 443 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:33,067 EVERYTHING YOU LOVE. 444 00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:35,367 YOU KNOW YOU CAN STILL HAVE SEX 445 00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:36,567 WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND ON HER 446 00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:39,467 PERIOD JUST LAY A TOWEL DOWN. 447 00:17:39,467 --> 00:17:44,297 AND MAKE SURE COOKIES ARE COOL 448 00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,200 BEFORE ICING. 449 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,500 YOU LIKE CUBANS? 450 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,930 >> THEY'RE EXCELLENT PEOPLE. 451 00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:50,733 >> Tosh: IF A WOMAN EVER TELLS 452 00:17:50,733 --> 00:17:55,103 YOU SHE'S PREGNANT GO LIKE THIS. 453 00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:56,500 IF SHE'S UPSET IT MEANS SHE'S 454 00:17:56,500 --> 00:18:00,400 INTO THE PATIENT ENOUGH TO BE A 455 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:00,930 MOTHER. 456 00:18:00,933 --> 00:18:02,203 AND WISE OUT. 457 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:04,670 WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? 458 00:18:04,667 --> 00:18:05,497 >> THE WIRED. 459 00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:06,870 >> Tosh: WATCH A SHOW THAT 460 00:18:06,867 --> 00:18:09,967 DOESN'T RELIE ON CHEAP RACIAL 461 00:18:09,967 --> 00:18:11,267 STEREOTYPES FOR CONTENT. 462 00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:14,897 HERE'S GOOD ADVICE, PARENTS IF 463 00:18:14,900 --> 00:18:17,070 YOU'RE WATCHING THIS SHOWS WITH 464 00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:18,797 YOUR KIDS YOU'RE TERRIBLE 465 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,530 PARENTS AND YOUR KIDS SHOULD BE 466 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:21,473 IN FOSTER CARE. 467 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,767 NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE VIEWER 468 00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:27,327 VINE OF THE WEEK. 469 00:18:27,333 --> 00:18:30,803 >> NO! 470 00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:31,470 NO! 471 00:18:31,467 --> 00:18:34,167 >> Tosh: OF COURSE THAT BANANA'S 472 00:18:34,167 --> 00:18:34,767 UPSET 473 00:18:34,767 --> 00:18:36,627 YOU CAN'T PICK HIS BUDDIES. 474 00:18:36,633 --> 00:18:38,673 THEY'RE GROWING ON AN ELM TREE 475 00:18:38,667 --> 00:18:39,927 AND THAT'S A MIRACLE. 476 00:18:39,933 --> 00:18:41,273 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE 477 00:18:41,267 --> 00:18:50,727 WEB SHOWS. 478 00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:51,733 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 479 00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:53,173 DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR'S FUEL 480 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:55,327 GAUGE HAS AN ARROW TO TELL YOU 481 00:18:55,333 --> 00:18:57,703 WHICH SIDE YOUR GAS CAP IS ON? 482 00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,130 IT DOES. 483 00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:02,873 NEXT WEEK MY FAVORITE SASSY 7th 484 00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,867 GRADER IS HERE LOANTHONY. 485 00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:08,167 >> CALLING ALL THE BASIC 486 00:19:08,167 --> 00:19:08,867 BITCHES. 487 00:19:08,867 --> 00:19:14,567 THERE'S A NEW ANNOUNCEMENT. 488 00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:17,367 >> Tosh: IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT 489 00:19:17,367 --> 00:19:18,797 BASIC MEANS? 490 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:23,430 GUESS WHAT, YOUR BASIC. 491 00:19:23,433 --> 00:19:25,573 SINCE I'M ALWAYS WON TO 492 00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:28,227 CHALLENGE MYSELF I'LL USE A NEW 493 00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:29,703 APP CALLED SPEECH JAMMER. 494 00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:33,630 IT MAKES IT DIFFICULT TO TALK. 495 00:19:33,633 --> 00:19:34,173 OKAY. 496 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:37,497 SO I NEED TO YOU FOLLOW ME ON 497 00:19:37,500 --> 00:19:44,270 TWITTER AT DANIEL TOSH DOT COM. 498 00:19:44,267 --> 00:19:46,527 GO WITH A LIVE CHAT STARTING 499 00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:47,533 DURING THE SHOW. 500 00:19:47,533 --> 00:19:51,233 PLEASE KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT 501 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:56,273 TOSH DOT COM CENTRAL YOU CAN GO 502 00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:58,967 TO THE STORE AND BUY STUFF. 503 00:19:58,967 --> 00:20:01,327 I THINK ALSO I HAVE MY WEBSITE 504 00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,873 WILL HAVE STANDUP DATES I'M 505 00:20:03,867 --> 00:20:06,427 GOING TO BE IN SEATTLE. 506 00:20:06,433 --> 00:20:08,633 I LIKE PHOENIX AS WELL. 507 00:20:08,633 --> 00:20:11,003 IF YOU WANT TO COME WATCH ME 508 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:15,430 THERE MAKE SURE AFTER -- AFTER 509 00:20:15,433 --> 00:20:18,733 THIS SHOW AIRS YOU WILL SEE A 510 00:20:18,733 --> 00:20:21,573 BRAND NEW SHOW OF BRICKLEBERRY. 511 00:20:21,567 --> 00:20:24,397 I LOVE BRICKLEBERRY. 512 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:24,900 OKAY. 513 00:20:24,900 --> 00:20:27,100 I'M PRETTY SURE I NAILED THAT. 514 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:29,600 ALL RIGHT, ENJOY SLEEPING IN 515 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:32,670 TOMORROW. 516 00:20:32,667 --> 00:20:34,997 THAT SHOULD BE THE TRADITION ON 517 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:38,130 11 BECAUSE IF ANYTHING WE 518 00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:39,873 LEARNED THERE'S WORSE THINGS 519 00:20:39,867 --> 00:20:40,867 THAT MISSING A FLIGHT. 520 00:20:40,867 --> 00:20:42,267 WAS THAT OVER THE LINE? 521 00:20:42,267 --> 00:20:44,497 OKAY, I'D LIKE TO USE MY 522 00:20:44,500 --> 00:20:45,170 CHALLENGE. 523 00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:47,427 OKAY, IT APPEARS YOU WERE RIGHT. 524 00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:50,903 IT WAS OVER THE LINE BY A MILE. 525 00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:52,700 MY APOLOGIES TO EVERYONE. 526 00:20:52,700 --> 00:21:03,400 GOOD NIGHT. 527 00:21:03,400 --> 00:21:04,930 >> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN 528 00:21:04,933 --> 00:21:06,603 YOU GET OLDER? 529 00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,500 DOESN'T MATTER. 530 00:21:08,500 --> 00:21:10,600 DOING WHAT YOU LOVE WHEN YOU GET 531 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,330 OLDER IS THE FASTEST WAY TO HATE 532 00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:12,773 IT. 533 00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:13,667 ALWAYS WEAR A BELT. 32688

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