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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: UM.
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THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
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STEP IN BETTY WHITE'S VAGINA.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0" IT'S OUR
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LAST EPISODE BEFORE VACATION AND
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I PRELAXED INTO MY ROBE.
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THEY SAID DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU
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WANT NOT THE JOB YOU HAVE AND I
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WANT TO BE A DUDE THAT DOESN'T
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HAVE A JOB.
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TONIGHT, I GIVE YOU THE GREATEST
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SHOW ON NERF, I GROOM MY AFRICAN
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COUNTERPART TO HOST A "TOSH.0"
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SPINOFF AND I PUT MY LIFE IN THE
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WORSE HANDS POSSIBLE, YOURS.
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NOW, I'VE SAID IT BEFORE, I'M NO
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PODIATRIST BUT THAT FOOT NEEDS
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TO BE SAWED OFF.
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MAYBE SHE JUST STEPPED IN
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CORNFLAKES.
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BEFORE YOU WHITTLE IT ALL AWAY,
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WHITTLE SOME OVER MY ARUGULA
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SALAD.
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HEY, YOU NEED TO GET YOUR
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PEDICURE AT A SHIPYARD TO REMOVE
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THOSE BARNACLES.
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DID YOU KNOW THAT LETTING YOUR
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BABY SLEEP ON ITS STOMACH IS THE
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LEADING CAUSE OF SIDS?
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>>I THINK WE SHOULD GO AND WAKE
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HIM UP.
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>> THEY GROW UP SO FAST.
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>> SOMEBODY GOT VERY VERY WET
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OVERNIGHT.
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LET'S GO.
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AND IT LOOKS LIKE YEAH,
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SOMEBODY'S GOING TO NEED A
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DIAPER CHANGE.
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>> Tosh: KEVI SPACIEY AND HIS
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ASSIST AND THE
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>> AN INTERESTING RELATIONSHIP.
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IMAGINE NEEDING THIS MUCH SET UP
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AND BACKSTORY TO GET AROUSED.
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I DO WANT TO ISSUE A VERBAL
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CEASE AND DESIST TO THOSE FREAKS
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FOR TRYING TO RIP OFF MY NEW WEB
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SERIES.
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>> EXCUSE ME, I'M BETWEEN YOU
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TWO.
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GOT A LITTLE ONE COMING TOO.
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WHEW.
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HEY, GUYS, KIDS FLY FREE.
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OKAY.
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I'M AN AWFUL FLYER.
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HE'S NOT IN PLANE MODE.
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HEY, THIS GUY'S PHONE'S NOT IN
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PLANE MODE.
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OH, MAN, I GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC.
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>> COME ON.
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I CAN'T POP MY EARS.
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I CAN'T POP MY EARS.
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>> THERE DO YOU.
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>> HOW LONG'S THE LINE FOR THE
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BATHROOM?
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TOO LATE.
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I'M [BLEEP]ING.
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[BLEEP]ING.
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THAT'S ONE BIG ASS BABY.
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>> I WAS CRANKY BECAUSE TSA ONLY
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LETS YOU TAKE THREE OUNCES OF
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FORMULA THROUGH SECURITY AND
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THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR BIG ASS
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BABY.
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OKAY, NO WIFE HAS EVER SAID WAIT
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UNTIL YOU SEE MY HUSBAND DANCE,
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HE'S AMAZING.
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[***]
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>> Tosh: I SEE CHRIS KATTAN IS
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KEEPING BUSY.
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OKAY, THAT WAS NICE BUT I ASKED
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FOR MORE WATER.
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THIS IS GREAT BUT HE STILL
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HASN'T TAKEN OUR ORDER YET.
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MOST PEOPLE DON'T GET TO SEE THE
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MORNING ROUTINE THAT GOES INTO
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MAKING SURE BLACK DON'T CRACK.
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[***]
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>> Tosh: GOOD LUCK USING A
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DOORKNOB THE NEXT COUPLE OF
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HOURS, SLICK.
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HE'S NOT GOING TO BE ASHY AGAIN
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FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
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TOO BAD MICHAEL JACKSON'S NOT
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AROUND TO SEE THIS.
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HEY, I'M PRETTY SURE WE ALL GOT
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PUT ON A LIST FOR WATCHING THAT
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BUT IT DID INSPIRE KNOW CREATE
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MY LATEST BACK ALLEY ENTERPRISE.
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>> FATHER.
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>> THANK YOU.
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>> Tosh: REMEMBER, FATHER,
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NOTHING SEXUAL HERE.
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IT'S JUST A WAY TO GET YOUR
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FRUSTRATION OUT.
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ALL RIGHT.
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MAKE HIM WORK FOR IT.
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WE GOT RAIDED THAT NIGHT BUT
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DON'T WORRY, THE FOUR OF THEM
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WILL BE PREACHING NEXT WEEK.
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UNFORTUNATELY WE HAD TO DROWN
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THE BOY.
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BO PEEP IS GOING TO LOSE HER
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[BLEEP] WHEN SHE WATCHES THE
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NEXT VIDEO.
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THE SHEEP GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO
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JUMP THE FENCE.
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THAT'S EXPLAINS MY SLEEPLESS
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NIGHTS.
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I'M SURE THEY'RE GOING TO BANG
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IT.
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YEA!
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NO!
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THAT'S A GOOD WAY TO GET YOUR
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SHEPHERD'S LICENSE REVOKED.
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HE'S OKAY?
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GOOD.
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YOU CAN REPAY HIM BY SHEDDING
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OUT A NICE SWEATER.
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THE SHEEP FELL DOWN A MOUNTAIN
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AND WALKED IT OFF.
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WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE, D. ROSE?
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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WU TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHING
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[BLEEP] WITH.
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SCREW YOU IRON MAN 3 THE REAL
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ACTION HERO OF THE SUMMER IS
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THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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A GOOD OLD FASHION NINJA COP
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STANDOFF, 50 AGAINST ONE.
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THEY BETTER CALL FOR BACKUP.
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HE PUTS DOWN HIS NUNCHUCKS
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BECAUSE HE'S ABOUT TO PAINT HIS
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MASTERPIECE.
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TO BE A NINJA YOU CAN STUDY FOR
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YEARS IN THE LEAGUE OF SHADOWS
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OR HAVE SOME CRACK.
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THE ONLY BLACK BELT HE HAS IS
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THE ONE HE TIED HIS ARM OFF
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WITH.
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WONDER WHY THE WAR ON DRUGS ARE
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TAKING SO LONG?
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PEOPLE ON THEM PUT UP ONE HELL
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OF A FIGHT.
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BEING A LITTLE ROUGH, FELLAS.
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COPS SHOULD KNOW BY NOW NOT TO
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DO THIS KINDS OF THING TO BLACK
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PEOPLE WHEN THERE'S A CAMERAS.
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THEY'RE TRYING TO REBOOT THE
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RODNEY KING FRANCHISE?
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ALL RIGHT.
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I'M NOT SURE WHAT'S GOING ON
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HERE BUT I GUARANTEE WHATEVER
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CNN REPORTED WAS COMPLETELY
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WRONG.
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UH-OH, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MUSIC
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MEANS?
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THE NINJA HAS MORE FIGHT IN HIM.
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I LIKE HIS INTANGIBLES, POWER,
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ELUSIVENESS, CRIMINAL PAST.
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THE RAVENS ALREADY OFFERED HIM A
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$40 MILLION CONTRACT.
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HOW CONVENIENT THE FOOTAGE IS
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MISSING.
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JUST SO YOU KNOW, THERE'S NO WAY
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HE'S IN THE BACK OF THAT
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AMBULANCE WHEN THEY GET TO THE
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HOSPITAL AND FOR THAT WE THANK
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YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
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YOU KNOW I CAN'T LEAVE YOU FOR
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AN ENTIRE SUMMER WITHOUT GETTING
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IN ONE MORE PORCH TIME WITH
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MEMA.
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>> TOSH WANTS TO KNOW MY
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FAVORITE SHOW.
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I'VE SEEN EVERY RERUN OVER AND
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OVER AND KNOW EVERY LINE LIKE I
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KNOW EVERY LINE IN GONE WITH THE
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WIND.
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I LIKE THE NANNY, I LIKE
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FRAZIER, I LOVE FRAZIER, I LOVE
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WILL AND GRACE.
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I LOVE WILL AND GRACE.
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AND THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE TV
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PROGRAMS.
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>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE
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MOST AWESOME DUNK BY MICHAEL
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JORDAN.
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JUST WATCH AND SEE.
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[***]
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>> THAT'S JUST BEEN MY SLAM
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DUNK.
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LITTLE THING, YEAH.
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I HOPE YOU LIKED IT.
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>> Tosh: SHOCKING THE RED HEAD
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KID IS GOOD AT INDOOR SPORTS.
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THAT'S RYAN AND HE'S THE
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ORIGINAL FLYING TOMATO.
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23 YEARS AGO HE LIVED LIFE ABOVE
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THE PLASTIC RIM AND HAS HIS
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HOMEMADE HIGHLIGHT REEL PROVES
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HE'S THE GREATEST DUNKER OF ALL
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TIME AND MICHAEL JORDAN IS A
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DEGENERATE GAMBLER WITH KIDS ALL
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OVER AMERICA.
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I'D RATHER BE LIKE RYAN.
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IF YOU CAN'T DUNK YOU'RE
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MEANINGLESS.
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YOU DON'T SEE TOO MANY SNEAKERS
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WITH A SILHOUETTE OF LARRY BIRD.
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POSTERIZING IS IS THE MOST
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EMBARRASSING THING YOU CAN DO TO
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ANOTHER MAN BUT WE NEED A NEW
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TERM YOU DON'T HAVE POSTERS ANY
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MORE.
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ANIMATED GIFT AND THE REASON I
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STILL RESPECT MY DAD IS BECAUSE
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I NEVER SAW HIM GET DUNKED ON.
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HE'D LAY YOU OUT.
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ADJUSTABLE RIMS WERE INVENTED SO
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WHITE GUYS CAN GO TO BLACK GUYS
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FANTASY CAMPS.
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DUNKING IS NOT JUST ABOUT RACE
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BUT GENDER.
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WHEN A WOMAN DUNKS IT'S ON
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JEZEBEL FOR A MONTH.
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TRY IT WITH A REAL BALL AND I'M
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SURE HEELS IS CHEATING TOO.
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YOU SEE SOME GUY ON THE JAZZ GET
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A PERFECT SCORE BECAUSE IT'S
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2013 AND EVERYTHING WE DO IS
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HASHTAG AMAZING.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS TIME TO EDUCATE
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A NEW GENERATION ABOUT HIS
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NERFNESS, THE BOY WHO STARTED IT
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ALL AND SIMPLY WALKED WAY IN A
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TOTALLY ORIGINAL DOCUMENTARY
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SERIES CALLED 30 FOR 30 POINT-0.
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BY THE AGE OF 12, RYAN WAS THE
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GREATEST NERF HOOP DUNKER THE
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WORLD HAD EVER SEEN.
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BY 13, HE WAS GONE.
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AFTER ALMOST 25 YEARS I WANTED
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TO UNDERSTAND THE LEGEND THAT
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WOULD END YOU HAVE SHAKING EVERY
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DOORFRAME IN AMERICA.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[***]
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>> Tosh: HOW LONG IT'S BEEN
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SINCE THE VIDEO WAS MADE?
264
00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,767
>> 23 YEARS NOW.
265
00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:37,097
WINTERS ARE LONG IN MICHIGAN AND
266
00:10:37,100 --> 00:10:38,830
YOU HAVE TIME TO KILL AND I WAS
267
00:10:38,833 --> 00:10:41,533
TRYING TO GET CREATIVE AND I DID
268
00:10:41,533 --> 00:10:43,003
ONE BEHIND THE BACK DUNKS AND
269
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,400
THEN THROW THE BALL BETWEEN MY
270
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:46,200
LEGS AND BOUNCE OFF THE RIM AND
271
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:47,600
I'D DUNK IT.
272
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,970
>> Tosh: THEY SAY YOU CAN'T
273
00:10:49,967 --> 00:10:52,027
MEASURE GREATNESS BUT I THINK
274
00:10:52,033 --> 00:10:55,403
YOU CAN AND HE WAS 5'5".
275
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,800
>> HE WAS THE GREATEST NERF
276
00:10:57,800 --> 00:10:59,100
DUNKER IN HISTORY AND ONLY
277
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,330
MAKING $10 A WEEK IN ALLOWANCE.
278
00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:03,073
>> Tosh: HOW LONG WERE YOU WHEN
279
00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:04,427
YOU MADE THE VIDEO?
280
00:11:04,433 --> 00:11:06,403
>> 12 OR 13.
281
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:09,500
>> Tosh: HOW TALL ARE YOU?
282
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:11,070
>> 5'3".
283
00:11:11,067 --> 00:11:12,567
>> I SHATTERED BACKBOARDS BUT
284
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:14,267
WHAT HE DID WAS OUT OF THIS
285
00:11:14,267 --> 00:11:14,727
WORLD.
286
00:11:14,733 --> 00:11:15,833
>> I TRIED TO STEAL EVERY MOVE
287
00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:16,603
HE HAD.
288
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:20,730
>> HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE
289
00:11:20,733 --> 00:11:24,233
1989 DUNK CONTEST BUT HE HAD A
290
00:11:24,233 --> 00:11:25,503
SOCIAL STUDIES TEST.
291
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:27,400
>> JORDAN PUT OUT VIDEOS AND I
292
00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:29,630
WANTED TO MAKE MY OWN.
293
00:11:29,633 --> 00:11:31,173
>> Tosh: AN UNDERGROUND STREET
294
00:11:31,167 --> 00:11:32,067
TAPE.
295
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:32,767
>> YEAH.
296
00:11:32,767 --> 00:11:34,797
>> Tosh: LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR
297
00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:35,230
HAIR.
298
00:11:35,233 --> 00:11:36,533
WHAT YOU THINK WOULD HOLD YOU
299
00:11:36,533 --> 00:11:38,973
BACK MORE, BEING WHITE OR
300
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:39,597
RED-HEADED?
301
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,400
>> PROBABLY RED-HEADED.
302
00:11:41,400 --> 00:11:43,600
>> JORDAN SHAVE HIS HEAD BECAUSE
303
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:45,370
HE WAS GROWING BALD BUT HE
304
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:48,067
COULDN'T GROW A BIG CURLY RED
305
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:48,497
AFRO.
306
00:11:48,500 --> 00:11:50,870
>> THERE'S NOT A KID WHO DIDN'T
307
00:11:50,867 --> 00:11:52,597
TUCK HIS SHIRT INTO HIS SWEAT
308
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:53,970
PANTS TO IMITATE RYAN.
309
00:11:53,967 --> 00:11:56,427
>> AND RUSSEL WESTBROOK FLATOUT
310
00:11:56,433 --> 00:11:58,733
STOLE RYAN'S LOOK WEARING THE
311
00:11:58,733 --> 00:12:04,373
BIG ASS SALLY JESSE RAFAEL
312
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:04,767
GLASSES.
313
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,067
>> Tosh: WAS IT THE HAPPIEST
314
00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:07,067
TIME OF YOUR LIFE?
315
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:07,727
>> IT WAS GOOD.
316
00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:10,503
>> THE REASON IT'S CALLED
317
00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,970
DOMINICK THE HIGHLIGHT FILM
318
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,367
BECAUSE WHAT HE WAS WAS NOT
319
00:12:14,367 --> 00:12:14,797
HUMAN.
320
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:16,100
>> TALK ABOUT THE DRUGS.
321
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,800
>> THERE WERE RUMORS OF RIM
322
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:23,430
LOWERING AND MOUNTAIN DEW
323
00:12:23,433 --> 00:12:26,473
ADDICTION BUT THAT'S SILLY.
324
00:12:26,467 --> 00:12:27,897
>> Tosh: WHY DID YOU QUIT NERF
325
00:12:27,900 --> 00:12:28,670
BASKETBALL.
326
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,827
>> I HAD A RARE DISEASE.
327
00:12:30,833 --> 00:12:33,403
IT'S NAMED AFTER THE DOCTOR WHO
328
00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,370
DEVELOPED IT.
329
00:12:34,367 --> 00:12:36,127
>> IT IS VERY SERIOUS.
330
00:12:36,133 --> 00:12:38,503
>> I AGREE.
331
00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:41,730
>> HE DIDN'T TOUCH A NERF BALL
332
00:12:41,733 --> 00:12:45,173
IN YEARS AND SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON
333
00:12:45,167 --> 00:12:49,497
THE '92 DREAM TEAM.
334
00:12:49,500 --> 00:12:51,900
>> THINK THEY WANTED TO CAST A
335
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:53,070
JUMP SHOOTER?
336
00:12:53,067 --> 00:12:55,297
NO, HE WANTED RYAN AND THE NERF
337
00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:56,230
BASKETBALL JESUS.
338
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,073
HE WAS GROUNDED THAT WEEK AND
339
00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:04,097
COULDN'T DO THE MOVIE SO IT WON
340
00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:04,800
OSCARS.
341
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,370
>> Tosh: WHAT WOULD YOU TELL THE
342
00:13:06,367 --> 00:13:08,827
12-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF YOURSELF?
343
00:13:08,833 --> 00:13:09,733
>> NOT MUCH.
344
00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:12,303
I DID IT RIGHT AND HAD FUN.
345
00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,570
>> Tosh: WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE
346
00:13:13,567 --> 00:13:14,497
WHITE DUNKER?
347
00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:20,900
>> ONLY ONE I REMEMBER IS CHUCK
348
00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:21,570
NEMIT.
349
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:23,197
>> Tosh: HE DID HALF OF BLAKE
350
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:23,670
GRIFFIN.
351
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:26,197
WE HAVE TO CLAIM IT.
352
00:13:26,200 --> 00:13:28,070
>> WE ALL WANTED TO CARRY THE
353
00:13:28,067 --> 00:13:29,267
NERF BALL LIKE RYAN.
354
00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,227
HE WAS SO GOOD.
355
00:13:31,233 --> 00:13:34,073
HE HAD ALL THE GIRLS.
356
00:13:34,067 --> 00:13:38,697
>> HIS FIFTH-GRADE GIRL WAS ON
357
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:40,070
THE BASKETBALL WIVES.
358
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,597
>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
359
00:13:41,600 --> 00:13:44,370
>> WORK FOR A PLASTICS COMPANY.
360
00:13:44,367 --> 00:13:45,697
>> Tosh: MARRIED?
361
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:46,730
>> YES.
362
00:13:46,733 --> 00:13:48,173
I'VE KNOWN HER SINCE THIRD
363
00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:48,827
GRADE.
364
00:13:48,833 --> 00:13:49,733
>> Tosh: DID SHE FALL IN LOVE
365
00:13:49,733 --> 00:13:50,703
YOU WITH BECAUSE OF THE
366
00:13:50,700 --> 00:13:52,270
BASKETBALL VIDEOS?
367
00:13:52,267 --> 00:13:54,297
>> SHE KNEW THAT BASEMENT PRETTY
368
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:54,870
WELL.
369
00:13:54,867 --> 00:13:56,297
>> Tosh: DID YOU MAKE OTHER
370
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:57,200
VIDEOS DOWN THERE?
371
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:58,500
>> THERE'S TWO THINGS I KEEP IN
372
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,730
MY POCKET, MY WALLET AND
373
00:14:01,733 --> 00:14:03,873
AUTOGRAPHED NERF BASKETBALL BY
374
00:14:03,867 --> 00:14:04,327
RYAN.
375
00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:05,703
I HOPE IT'S HIM.
376
00:14:05,700 --> 00:14:07,330
IT'S HARD TO WRITE IN FOAM.
377
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:09,173
>> Tosh: DID YOU RAISE THE BAR
378
00:14:09,167 --> 00:14:10,827
TOO HIGH FOR WHITE KIDS IN THEIR
379
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:11,433
BASEMENT?
380
00:14:11,433 --> 00:14:13,103
>> I KEPT IT LOW.
381
00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:14,570
>> Tosh: 6'6" ISN'T LOW.
382
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:15,567
THANKS A LOT.
383
00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:18,067
YOU HAVE A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE AND
384
00:14:18,067 --> 00:14:18,967
BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
385
00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:21,427
>> RYAN WAS A COOL DUDE THAT DID
386
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:24,903
NOT COMPLAIN WHEN IT RAINED.
387
00:14:24,900 --> 00:14:27,400
>> HE WAS THE ULTIMATE TREND
388
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:27,900
SETTER.
389
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:30,470
>> BEFORE HE CAME ALONG IT WAS
390
00:14:30,467 --> 00:14:31,497
JUST FREE THROWS.
391
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:34,370
>> IT'S A FOUR-DOLLAR PIECE OF
392
00:14:34,367 --> 00:14:34,897
[BLEEP].
393
00:14:34,900 --> 00:14:36,270
IT SURVIVED BECAUSE OF RYAN.
394
00:14:36,267 --> 00:14:38,467
>> Tosh: RYAN, I CAN'T HELP BUT
395
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:40,067
NOTICE YOU HAVE A GOAL SET UP.
396
00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:41,627
DO YOU HAVE ONE IN THE TANK?
397
00:14:41,633 --> 00:14:42,873
I'D LOVE TO SEE IT.
398
00:14:42,867 --> 00:14:48,197
>> SURE.
399
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,500
ONE, TWO, THREE --
400
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:52,600
>> Tosh: I THOUGHT I'D SEEN IT
401
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:53,270
ALL.
402
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,067
EVERYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT HIM IS
403
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:57,767
TRUE.
404
00:14:57,767 --> 00:14:59,327
THE LEGEND OF RYAN WILL NEVER
405
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:00,773
DIE.
406
00:15:00,767 --> 00:15:17,067
[***]
407
00:15:17,067 --> 00:15:20,567
>> GET THE [BLEEP] OUT OF MY
408
00:15:20,567 --> 00:15:23,397
HOUSE.
409
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:23,930
[APPLAUSE]
410
00:15:23,933 --> 00:15:24,173
.
411
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:25,167
>> HE'S STILL THE BEST.
412
00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:27,067
>> Tosh: I'D LIKE TO THANK THE
413
00:15:27,067 --> 00:15:28,297
NBA FOR THEIR HELP WITH THAT
414
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,600
PIECE AND FIXING AT LEAST TEN
415
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:32,130
PLAYOFF GAMES THIS YEAR.
416
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:33,303
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
417
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:34,970
WHEN YOU'RE FINISHED IN THERE,
418
00:15:34,967 --> 00:15:36,627
HONEY, CAN YOU GRAB ME A COLD
419
00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:52,633
ONE?
420
00:15:52,633 --> 00:16:26,503
[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]
421
00:16:26,500 --> 00:16:29,270
[ SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
422
00:16:29,267 --> 00:16:30,867
>> OH, MY GOD.
423
00:16:30,867 --> 00:16:35,827
YOU GOT ALL THESE COBRAS.
424
00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:38,073
>> HE HAS THE BIGGEST BALLS
425
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:38,497
EVER.
426
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:41,300
NOT LIKE HUMAN BALLS.
427
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,830
NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL EVER
428
00:16:43,833 --> 00:16:46,673
MAKE ME DO THIS JOKE.
429
00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:47,297
[BLEEP].
430
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,070
>> Tosh: BLACK PEOPLE ALWAYS TRY
431
00:16:49,067 --> 00:16:50,297
TO STEAL MY STUFF.
432
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,800
SHAQ'S GOT A SHOW ABOUT INTERNET
433
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:54,830
VIDEOS, CONAN O'BRIEN'S ONE
434
00:16:54,833 --> 00:16:56,173
BLACK FRIEND IS HOSTING ONE THIS
435
00:16:56,167 --> 00:16:57,797
SUMMER AND NOW THIS GUY?
436
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,700
I SAY LET'S MAKE HIM THE HOST OF
437
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,370
THE OFFICIAL "TOSH.0" SPINOFF
438
00:17:02,367 --> 00:17:04,067
AND BEFORE I HANDOVER THE KEYS
439
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:05,727
TO THE KINGDOM I NEED TO PUT HIM
440
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:06,703
THROUGH HIS PACES.
441
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:08,400
FOR SOME REASON PUKING HAS
442
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,130
BECOME A BIG PART OF THIS SHOW
443
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:11,873
AND A THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO
444
00:17:11,867 --> 00:17:14,327
GET HIS RAW, RAZOR-SHARP
445
00:17:14,333 --> 00:17:15,503
COMMENTARY ON THE BEST PUKE
446
00:17:15,500 --> 00:17:17,170
VIDEO WE'VE FOUND IN DAYS.
447
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,667
>> DANIEL, THIS IS FOR YOUR
448
00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:20,367
SPINOFF SHOW.
449
00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:28,367
LET'S GO.
450
00:17:28,367 --> 00:17:38,397
[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]
451
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,100
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
452
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:42,070
[BLEEP] [BLEEP].
453
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:42,527
[BLEEP].
454
00:17:42,533 --> 00:17:51,473
I THINK I'M GOING THROW UP.
455
00:17:51,467 --> 00:18:04,427
[ AUDIENCE GROANING ]
456
00:18:04,433 --> 00:18:06,603
>> Tosh: HE DIDN'T MAKE A SINGLE
457
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:08,330
JOKE DURING THE VIDEO.
458
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:11,373
MAYBE HIS HOSTING SKILLS ARE
459
00:18:11,367 --> 00:18:14,227
BETTER SUITED OR MTV.
460
00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:24,303
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S WINNER.
461
00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:30,830
[ FOREIGN LANGUAGE ]
462
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:37,400
>> Tosh: SASHA, WHY YOU PLAYING
463
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,770
FOOTBALL ON A BASKETBALL COURT?
464
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:39,267
THAT'S GROSS.
465
00:18:39,267 --> 00:18:40,627
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
466
00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:42,503
UGLY AMERICANS.
467
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:57,973
>> Tosh: WELL, WELCOME BACK.
468
00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:59,597
I WAS EXPOSING TO THE AUDIENCE
469
00:18:59,600 --> 00:19:00,900
MY CASHMERE BOXERS.
470
00:19:00,900 --> 00:19:02,100
IT'S ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS.
471
00:19:02,100 --> 00:19:03,370
NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW WE FINALLY
472
00:19:03,367 --> 00:19:05,497
GOT HIM, THE STAR WARS KID.
473
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:09,130
NOT ONLY THAT MY GOOD FRIEND AND
474
00:19:09,133 --> 00:19:11,233
MENTOR GEORGE LUCAS WILL BE
475
00:19:11,233 --> 00:19:13,103
HOSTING THE ENTIRE WEB
476
00:19:13,100 --> 00:19:13,900
REDEMPTION.
477
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:16,970
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER AND KEEP UP
478
00:19:16,967 --> 00:19:20,527
ON OUR BLOG AND SEE ME ON THE
479
00:19:20,533 --> 00:19:23,233
JUNE GLOOM TOUR WITH JARROD
480
00:19:23,233 --> 00:19:23,803
CARMICHAEL.
481
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,130
>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.
482
00:19:25,133 --> 00:19:26,973
>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.
483
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:29,067
>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.
484
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:30,227
>> I'M JARROD CARMICHAEL.
485
00:19:30,233 --> 00:19:31,573
>> Tosh: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN
486
00:19:31,567 --> 00:19:33,897
TRYING TO TELL YOU.
487
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,700
WE ARE ALL JARROD CARMICHAEL.
488
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:38,100
UNFORTUNATELY, LIKE A LOT OF
489
00:19:38,100 --> 00:19:39,370
YOU, JARROD GOT SICK AND TIRED
490
00:19:39,367 --> 00:19:41,567
OF THAT SHOW EVERY WEEK AND
491
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:42,097
CANCELLED.
492
00:19:42,100 --> 00:19:46,630
HE'LL BE REPLACED BY AN ACOUSTIC
493
00:19:46,633 --> 00:19:47,233
GUITARIST.
494
00:19:47,233 --> 00:19:49,073
I MAY WANT TO BRING THE CHARLES
495
00:19:49,067 --> 00:19:50,297
RAMSEY FELLOW FROM CLEVELAND.
496
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,270
HE SEEMS LIKE A HOOT AND I'VE
497
00:19:52,267 --> 00:19:55,897
ADDED NEW DATES IN SEATTLE IN
498
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:57,370
SEPTEMBER AND DENVER AND FINALLY
499
00:19:57,367 --> 00:20:00,427
SOME OF YOU KNOW THERE'S A
500
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:03,603
COUNTDOWN CLOCK BY GROUNDHOG DAY
501
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,830
REFERENCING THE LIFE OF A ROAD
502
00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:08,503
COMIC IS REPETITIVE AND THERE'S
503
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:10,100
SPECULATION TO WHAT HAPPENS IN
504
00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:11,400
14 DAYS.
505
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:16,700
EVEN THE SCHOLARS AT WIKIPEDIA
506
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:19,170
GOT IT WRONG AND A MOCKED EVERY
507
00:20:19,167 --> 00:20:23,467
IN SHOWHBIZ THAT SETS GOALS.
508
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:26,167
LIKE WHEN A PRE-FAMOUS JIM
509
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:31,227
CARREY WROTE HIMSELF A $10
510
00:20:31,233 --> 00:20:32,733
MILLION CHECK AND PROMISED
511
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:34,173
HIMSELF TO CHECK IT ONE DAY AND
512
00:20:34,167 --> 00:20:35,597
I GAVE MYSELF TEN YEARS TO
513
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,430
REALLY MAKE IT AS A COMEDIAN OR
514
00:20:38,433 --> 00:20:40,033
I'LL PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.
515
00:20:40,033 --> 00:20:42,703
NOW IT WOULD BE ARROGANT FOR
516
00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:44,300
KNOW DECIDE IF I'VE MADE JUST DO
517
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:49,630
ME A FAVOR, GO TO OUR BLOG AND
518
00:20:49,633 --> 00:20:50,873
VOTE WHETHER I'M FAMOUS ENOUGH
519
00:20:50,867 --> 00:20:51,897
OR KILL MYSELF.
520
00:20:51,900 --> 00:20:54,400
POLLS STAY OPEN UNTIL THE CLOCK
521
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:54,930
EXPIRES.
522
00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:56,503
AT THAT POINT I'LL BE LEGALLY
523
00:20:56,500 --> 00:20:58,270
BOUND TO GO THROUGH WHATEVER YOU
524
00:20:58,267 --> 00:20:59,697
DECIDE SO PLEASE VOTE
525
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:00,470
RESPONSIBLY.
526
00:21:00,467 --> 00:21:01,097
ALL RIGHT.
527
00:21:01,100 --> 00:21:02,230
WE'VE HAD A GOOD RUN BUT I THINK
528
00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:03,503
IT'S TIME FOR US TO TAKE A
529
00:21:03,500 --> 00:21:03,930
BREAK.
530
00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:04,933
IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU.
531
00:21:04,933 --> 00:21:17,073
GOOD NIGHT.
532
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:19,327
>> Tosh: HOW MANY DUNKS HAVE
533
00:21:19,333 --> 00:21:21,473
HAPPENED IN A GAME IN THE WNBA.
534
00:21:21,467 --> 00:21:24,127
>> PROBABLY FOUR OR FIVE
535
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:24,873
HUNDRED.
536
00:21:24,867 --> 00:21:26,067
>> Tosh: THEY'VE HAD SIX DUNKS
537
00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:27,827
AND THREE OF THEM WERE IN AN
33760
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