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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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>> IT'S COMING DOWN THE HILL.
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LOOK AT THEM SONS OF BITCHES.
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>> THEY'RE GOING DIE.
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>> TONY'S ON THE WALKING LANE.
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>> HE'S GONNA DIE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: AH, THE IRAQ WAR VETS
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ARE JUST HAPPY TO BE HOME.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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IT'S NOT 80s I'M JUST A STAND UP
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COMIC IN A BLAZER.
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AND THEY'RE BOTH CASHMERE LATER
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INTRODUCE YOU TO THE MOST INSANE
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PERSON AND MULL OVER YOUR PROM
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INVITATION AND SPOIL THE SUMMER
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BLOCKBUSTER AND NOW LET'S SEE
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THAT GUY GET PUNISHED FOR MOCK
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HANDICAPPED PEOPLE AGAIN.
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I ALWAYS SAID IF YOU DON'T NEED
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TO BE IN ONE WHEELCHAIRS ARE
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PRETTY FUN.
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THEY SAID HE'D NEVER WALK AGAIN
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BUT THEY DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
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ABOUT ONE AND A HALF WITH A
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TWIST.
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NEXT, SOME WOMEN ARE JUST MEANT
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TO BE MOTHERS.
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[ ARGUING ]
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>> Tosh: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP AND
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STARE OUT THE WINDOW LIKE
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MISERABLE BUS PASSENGERS ARE
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SUPPOSED TO.
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NICE TOSS.
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SHE'D BE GOOD IN THE NEW CHIP
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KELLEY SPREAD OPTION OFFENSE.
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NEVER THROW YOUR BABY WHEN YOU
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CAN USE IT AS A HUMAN SHIELD.
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BETTER OFF IF THE STRANGER KEEPS
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THE KID ANYWAY.
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THAT REMINDS ME I NEED MY
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ASSISTANT TO SEND MY MOM
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SOMETHING FOR MOTHER'S DAY.
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UNDER AHUNDRED DOLLARS, PLEASE.
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INDIA DISNEY SUCKS BUT IT DOES
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HAVE A TINY CARBON FOOTPRINT.
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I FORGOT THE REST OF THE PLAN ET
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IS STILL MANUALLY OPERATED.
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THAT RIDE HAS GONE NINE STRAIGHT
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DAYS WITHOUT A DEATH AND THE
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DEATH MIGHT HAVE BEEN FROM
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STARVATION.
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A SEASON PASS ONLY COSTS SEVEN
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CHICKENS IF YOU BRING IN A
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TWO-LITER BOTTLE OF PEPSI.
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JUST LIKE THE WORLD, MEN MAKE IT
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GO ROUND WHILE WOMEN EAT AND
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COMPLAIN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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STILL LIGHT YEARS AHEAD OF THE
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TUSCALOOSA COUNTY FAIR.
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THEY JUST HAVE THREE HORSES
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YOU'RE ALLOWED TO [BLEEP].
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ANYTHING CAN BE MADE INTO AN
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AMUSEMENT PARK WITH A LITTLE
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INGENUITY.
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EVEN YOUR OFFICE CAN BE MADE
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INTO A THRILL RIDE.
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>> VIOLENTLY SIT HIM IN A
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CIRCLE.
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SIT DOWN.
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DON'T CATCH UP TO THE PERSON IN
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FRONT OF YOU.
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WE ALSO MADE A TOWER OF TERROR
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WHERE I CRAM THE EXECUTIVES FROM
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COMEDY CENTRAL FROM A BOX AND A
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SHOVE THEM OFF THE ROOF.
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ALL RIGHT, COME ON GUYS.
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HOW MANY FIRE VIDEOS DO I HAVE
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TO SHOW YOU BEFORE YOU REALIZE
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IT'S DANGEROUS.
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I PRAY THOSE ARE THE TWO [BLEEP]
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THAT BROUGHT THEIR GUITARS.
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ONE OF THEM HAS A MARSHMALLOW IN
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HIS POCKET THE OTHER HAS
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CHOCOLATE.
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QUICK, SMOTHER THEM IN GRAM
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CRACKERS.
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IS THERE ANYTHING WORSE THAN
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DATING A CAT PERSON?
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I GET IT.
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FROST THE FLAKES ARE GREAT.
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NOW QUIT HOGGING THE COVERS.
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HE HOLLERED.
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TECHNICALLY HAVE YOU TO LET HIM
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GO.
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ARE THE DOGS PETS OR BREAKFAST?
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BIG DEAL.
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I SLEPT NEXT TO SOMETHING THAT
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WAS WAY MORE RISKY.
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I HAD TO BLUR THAT CELEBRITY'S
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FACE BECAUSE THE DAY AFTER WE
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SHOT THAT SHE DECIDED SHE
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DOESN'T WANT TO BE MOCKED IN MY
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TWO-SECOND BIT.
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I CAN'T SAY IS WHO IT WAS BUT
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LEGALLY YOU'RE ALLOWED TO GUESS,
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WAS IT COURTNEY LOVE OR THE
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QUEEN OF ENGLAND?
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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IF YOU'RE DOUGHY AND YOU KNOW IT
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CLAP YOUR HANDS.
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NOW, LET'S WATCH WHAT I'M SURE
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WILL BE A REMARKABLE ATHLETIC
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ACHIEVEMENT IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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LOOK AT THAT CAPACITY CROWD.
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THEY MUST HAVE DOUBLE BOOKED IT
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WITH AN AA MEETING.
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THIS IS DEPRESSING.
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THERE'S NO WAY.
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I'M NOT SURE WHY HE'S DRESSED
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LIKE KRISTI YAMAGUCHI.
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DAYMAN, AH.
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WEARING THAT ONESIE TAKES HUGE
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BALLS BUT I CAN KIND OF MAKE HIS
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OUT AND THEY SEEM NORMAL TO ME.
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SOMEONE TELL HIM IT'S NOT OKAY
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TO START YOUR OWN SLOW CAP.
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IT'S LIKE BAKING YOUR OWN
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BIRTHDAY CAKE.
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DON'T FORGET TO WISH FOR FRIENDS
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WHEN YOU BLOW OUT YOUR CANDLES
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LOSER.
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WITH SO MUCH BUILD UP IMAGINE
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HOW EMBARRASSING IT WILL BE IF
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HE DOESN'T DELIVER.
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THAT LAST CLAP WAS AS A TENDON
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POPPING.
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TURNS OUT HIS ACHILLES HEEL WAS
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HIS ACHILLES HEEL.
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UNLESS WAS GOING TO LIMBO THAT'S
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WHAT HAPPENS.
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THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE
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ON ZAPPOS TO LOOK FOR A POWER
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RANGERS OUTFIT AND THAT WAS HIS
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PERSONAL BEST AND NO ONE WILL
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EVER SEE IT AND FOR THIS WE
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THANK YOU.
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I'LL BE READY TO MINGLE WITH
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THIS CANADIAN CROONER WEN WE GET
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BACK.
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FIRST, AWFUL NEWS, RUSSIA HAS
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DEVELOPED A VERY DANGEROUS NOT
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ROCKET LAUNCHER.
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[***]
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* YOU'RE READY TO MINGLE *
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* I'M READY TO ROLL *
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* UP AND DOWN YOUR BODY, BABY *
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* ALL THE WAY HOME *
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>> Tosh: WHAT A BEAUTIFUL VOICE.
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TURNS YOUR CHAIR, USHER.
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THAT'S UNSETTLING SINGER
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SONGWRITERER'S TONY AND HIS
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PIECE MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE
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YOU'RE IN FOR A BUMPY RIDE HE
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LOADED VIDEOS AND IF WASN'T FOR
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WILMER VALDERAMA HE'D BE THE
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CREEPIEST PERSON ON THE
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INTERNET.IN THE OLD DAYS HE'D BE
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CAST OUT FROM SOCIETY WITH THE
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IMPLIED AGREEMENT THEY'D COMMIT
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SUICIDE.
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IT'S HARD TO SPOT A CREEP NOW
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BECAUSE SO MANY ARE HIPSTERS.
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THEY TAKE SECRET TRIPS TO
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THAILAND OR JUST HAVE A MUSTACHE
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AND WEAR IRONIC OUTFITS FROM
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URBAN OUTFITTERS.
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I'M ALL FOR PUTTING PEOPLE ON
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CREEPY LISTS BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT
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IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN A REFEREE OR
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KEPT A TOOTH PICK IN YOUR MOUTH.
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DUDES FROM THE 1950'S THAT GOT
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CAUGHT THUMBING THROUGH GRAINY
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PICTURES OF BABIES GOT MURDERED
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ON THE SPOT.
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WHO CARES IF A GUY HAS AN ALTER
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EGO AND LIKES TO TUCK HIS WEENIE
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DANCE AROUND.
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I LIKE "TOSH.0" FOR LETTING
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ANYONE WHO WANT TO LET THEIR
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FREAK FLAG FLY AND I INVITED HIM
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TO HOLLYWOOD FOR THE WEEK'S
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CE-WEB-RITY.
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WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH IDEAS
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FOR VIDEOS.
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>> WHEN I TAKE SHOWERS I THANK
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TUNE AND I GET INSPIRED WHEN I'M
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SINGING IN THE SHOWER.
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>> Tosh: HOW MANY VIDEOS HAVE
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YOU MADE?
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I HAVEN'T SEEN ANY OF THESE.
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SOMEBODY BRING ME AN iPAD SO I
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CAN WATCH THESE.
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>> Tosh: TONY, I HAVE SEEN THE
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CREEPIEST [BLEEP] ON THE
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INTERNET AND LET ME TELL YOU
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THAT IS UP THERE.
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HOW OLD ARE YOU?
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>> FEBRUARY 17th I'LL BE 64.
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>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU DO TO STAY
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IN SHAPE?
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>> MOSTLY MASTURBATE.
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>> Tosh: JUST MASTURBATE?
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I KNOW MY BODY WON'T LOOK THAT
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GOOD WHEN I'M 64.5.
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>> AND I FINISHED DOING
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PUSH-UPS.
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I STILL WANT A GIRL FIGURE.
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WE ARE BOTH.
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>> Tosh: PHYSICALLY?
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>> MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY.
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LOOK AT THESE LEGS.
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>> Tosh: THEY'RE GOOD LEGS.
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>> YOU WERE BORN WITHOUT HAIR?
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>> Tosh: YOU DON'T SHAVE?
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>> NO, IT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.
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>> Tosh: DID IT AFFECT YOU
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GROWING UP?
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>> NO, IT MADE ME HAIRLESS.
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>> Tosh: ARE YOU HOMOSEXUAL.
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>> I'M BI.
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WE ALL HAVE THAT'S OPTION.
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EVEN YOU.
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>> Tosh: THAT'S ENOUGH.
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YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
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WHAT KIND OF CHILDHOOD DID YOU
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HAVE?
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>> A [BLEEP]ED UP CHILDHOOD.
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I'M NOT NORMAL.
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>> Tosh: HOW NOT NORMAL.
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>> A GUY GETS MARRIED AND BUYS A
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HOUSE AND HAVE KIDS AND A DOG.
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THAT'S NOT ME.
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I HAVE A MOTORCYCLE.
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I'M WILD.
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THAT'S MY PET.
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SAY HELLO.
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>> Tosh: DON'T DO THAT TO YOUR
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BEAUTIFUL FEMININE LEGS.
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>> I TAKE A LOT OF VITAMIN E.
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BRUISE GOES AWAY.
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I USED TO HAVE A BRUISE.
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>> Tosh: HOW'D YOU GET IT?
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>> MY BUDDY SUCKS ON IT.
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>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
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MARRIED.
260
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:55,230
>> THAT'S MY EX.
261
00:10:55,233 --> 00:10:56,773
I PUT HER IN BONDAGE JUST TO
262
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:58,227
KEEP AN EYE ON HER.
263
00:10:58,233 --> 00:11:00,603
>> Tosh: HOW MANY YEARS WERE YOU
264
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,130
MARRIED?
265
00:11:01,133 --> 00:11:05,073
>> ENOUGH TO PUMP OUT TWO KIDS.
266
00:11:05,067 --> 00:11:07,827
SHE WAS A GOOD [BLEEP].
267
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:12,133
SHE HAD SMALL TITS BUT BIG
268
00:11:12,133 --> 00:11:12,803
NIPPLES.
269
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:16,930
>> Tosh: DO YOU LIKE BIG
270
00:11:16,933 --> 00:11:18,103
NIPPLES?
271
00:11:18,100 --> 00:11:21,430
>> MY WIFE'S BREAST MILK IS
272
00:11:21,433 --> 00:11:21,973
SWEET.
273
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:22,767
IT'S HEALTHY.
274
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,697
LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT.
275
00:11:24,700 --> 00:11:26,700
>> Tosh: YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH.
276
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:28,070
WHAT ABOUT DRUG USE?
277
00:11:28,067 --> 00:11:30,327
>> I DO RUSH.
278
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:32,233
WANT SOMETHING TO SNIFF?
279
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:33,673
>> Tosh: I'D LOVE SOMETHING TO
280
00:11:33,667 --> 00:11:34,067
SNIFF.
281
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:35,327
>> COME OVER HERE, BOYS.
282
00:11:35,333 --> 00:11:36,773
>> Tosh: YOU WROTE MORE SONGS
283
00:11:36,767 --> 00:11:38,827
THAN THE BEATLES DO YOU KNOW
284
00:11:38,833 --> 00:11:39,333
THAT?
285
00:11:39,333 --> 00:11:42,833
WHICH IS YOUR MOST POPULAR?
286
00:11:42,833 --> 00:11:43,873
>> PRESSURE ZONE.
287
00:11:43,867 --> 00:11:46,497
* I CAN'T WAIT TO PUT IT IN MY
288
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:47,070
MOUTH *
289
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:47,967
>> Tosh: DO YOU CONSIDER
290
00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:49,397
YOURSELF A SEX SYMBOL?
291
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:50,130
>> VERY.
292
00:11:50,133 --> 00:11:51,403
I'M HORNY RIGHT NOW.
293
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,070
>> Tosh: WE CAN EXCUSE EVERYONE
294
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:53,927
FOR A MINUTE.
295
00:11:53,933 --> 00:11:56,633
>> WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?
296
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,303
>> Tosh: LET YOU RELIEF
297
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:58,830
YOURSELF.
298
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:01,303
>> DO YOU WANT TO DO IT
299
00:12:01,300 --> 00:12:01,870
TOGETHER?
300
00:12:01,867 --> 00:12:02,467
>> Tosh: NO.
301
00:12:02,467 --> 00:12:03,867
>> YOU WANT TO WATCH?
302
00:12:03,867 --> 00:12:06,797
THAT'S HOW YOU GET YOUR KICKS.
303
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:07,900
WATCHING GUYS JERK OFF.
304
00:12:07,900 --> 00:12:11,100
GO GET A KLEENEX.
305
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:12,570
>> Tosh: GET A BLANKET.
306
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,197
>> YOU GET A KLEENEX.
307
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,670
YOU DO IT AND GO ON WITH YOUR
308
00:12:17,667 --> 00:12:18,127
LIFE.
309
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:20,573
>> Tosh: IF YOU WERE TO DO A
310
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:22,427
DUET WHO WOULD YOU DO IT WITH?
311
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:25,403
>> TONETTA.
312
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:29,670
>> Tosh: WE ARE PIONEERS IN THE
313
00:12:29,667 --> 00:12:30,727
SPLIT-SCREEN TECHNOLOGY.
314
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:32,173
>> HASN'T THAT BEEN AROUND 30
315
00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:32,727
YEARS.
316
00:12:32,733 --> 00:12:34,273
>> Tosh: [BLEEP] YOU, TONY.
317
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:36,067
THERE'S ONE CITY WHERE MONEY'S
318
00:12:36,067 --> 00:12:36,927
NO OBJECT.
319
00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:37,673
>> VEGAS?
320
00:12:37,667 --> 00:12:39,467
>> Tosh: NO, RENO THE BIGGEST
321
00:12:39,467 --> 00:12:42,567
LITTLE CRIME HAVEN IN THE WORLD.
322
00:12:42,567 --> 00:12:44,697
ALL RIGHT, TONY.
323
00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:46,800
I GOT YOU $200 MILLION FOR DOING
324
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,730
THE SHOW TWICE A DAY, SEVEN DAYS
325
00:12:48,733 --> 00:12:51,573
A WEEK FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS.
326
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:52,627
>> TONETTA QUIT.
327
00:12:52,633 --> 00:12:53,333
WE'RE DONE.
328
00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:54,433
>> Tosh: I'M NOT HAVING THIS
329
00:12:54,433 --> 00:12:55,133
CONVERSATION.
330
00:12:55,133 --> 00:12:57,073
YOU'RE A CRAZY PERSON.
331
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:57,927
SHOW MUST GO ON.
332
00:12:57,933 --> 00:12:59,573
>> TONY DOESN'T WORK WITH ANY
333
00:12:59,567 --> 00:13:01,667
OTHER SLACK.
334
00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:02,867
>> Tosh: YOU'RE GOING TO WORK
335
00:13:02,867 --> 00:13:04,327
WITH THIS SLUT.
336
00:13:04,333 --> 00:13:08,233
I BETTER NOT CATCH ANY AIDS.
337
00:13:08,233 --> 00:13:37,473
[***]
338
00:13:37,467 --> 00:14:14,527
[***]
339
00:14:14,533 --> 00:14:16,133
>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT THE ENDING I
340
00:14:16,133 --> 00:14:17,533
ENVISIONED FOR THAT PIECE BUT
341
00:14:17,533 --> 00:14:20,733
YOU TRY ARGUING WITH TONETTA.
342
00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:22,233
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST
343
00:14:22,233 --> 00:14:39,073
FLAMINGO FIGH
344
00:14:39,067 --> 00:14:43,527
>> HEY, CHRISTEN STEWART I'M
345
00:14:43,533 --> 00:14:47,903
BEEN A FAN OF YOU'RE MOVIES FOR
346
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:49,430
A LONG TIME AND MY QUESTION IS
347
00:14:49,433 --> 00:14:52,173
WILL GO TO PROM WITH ME AND IF
348
00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:53,767
YOU DON'T, WHOEVER ELSE THAT
349
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,597
SEES THIS GET THIS VIDEO AS FAR
350
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,730
AS POSSIBLE BECAUSE OF COURSE I
351
00:14:57,733 --> 00:15:00,073
WANT KRISTEN STEWART TO SEE
352
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:00,627
THIS.
353
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,273
>> Tosh: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO
354
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:05,627
BRING KRISTEN STEWART TO THE
355
00:15:05,633 --> 00:15:06,073
PROM.
356
00:15:06,067 --> 00:15:09,267
HE'LL WIND UP DITCHING YOU
357
00:15:09,267 --> 00:15:11,567
HALFWAY THROUGH THE NIGHT TO DO
358
00:15:11,567 --> 00:15:12,797
YOUR PRINCIPAL.
359
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,600
EVERY YEAR I GET THOUSANDS AND
360
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,600
THOUSANDS OF PROM INVITATIONS I
361
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:17,930
RECEIVE LIKE BACK IN HIGH
362
00:15:17,933 --> 00:15:18,373
SCHOOL.
363
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:20,397
I THOUGHT AS A COURTESY I'D
364
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,330
RESPOND FACE TO FACE TO A SELECT
365
00:15:23,333 --> 00:15:25,833
FEW REQUEST.
366
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,673
FIRST IS MEYONCE.
367
00:15:28,667 --> 00:15:32,827
SHE WRITES I HAVE A LESBIAN
368
00:15:32,833 --> 00:15:34,333
CRUSH AND YOU WILL GO TO PROM
369
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:36,933
WITH ME.
370
00:15:36,933 --> 00:15:39,573
I WON'T UNTIL GAYS CAN GET
371
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:42,167
MARRIED IN 48 STATES.
372
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,327
>> HI, DANIEL.
373
00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:46,533
>> Tosh: I HAVE ONE QUESTION.
374
00:15:46,533 --> 00:15:50,333
IF I ACCIDENTALLY GET YOU
375
00:15:50,333 --> 00:15:52,733
PREGERS AFTER PROM WHAT ARE YOU
376
00:15:52,733 --> 00:15:54,403
GOING TO DO WITH THIS BABY?
377
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,900
>> KEEP IT AND TAKE YOUR MONEY.
378
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,070
>> Tosh: I'M NOT GOING TO PROM
379
00:15:59,067 --> 00:15:59,397
WITH YOU.
380
00:15:59,400 --> 00:15:59,830
OKAY.
381
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:01,503
IF I GO WITH YOU WHAT ARE WE
382
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,570
DOING AFTER PROM.
383
00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:04,397
ARE YOU RENTING A LAKE HOUSE?
384
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:05,730
>> I HAVE A HOT TUB.
385
00:16:05,733 --> 00:16:07,933
>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU SET IT AT?
386
00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:08,773
>> 103.
387
00:16:08,767 --> 00:16:10,067
MORE OF A WARM IT UP.
388
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:11,727
I'M A 106 MAN MYSELF.
389
00:16:11,733 --> 00:16:13,503
I WILL DEFINITELY NOT GO TO PROM
390
00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:14,700
WITH YOU, I'M SORRY.
391
00:16:14,700 --> 00:16:15,470
>> COME ON.
392
00:16:15,467 --> 00:16:17,097
>> Tosh: NO.
393
00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:18,970
>> HAVE YOU TO FEEL PITY FOR ME
394
00:16:18,967 --> 00:16:20,697
MY BOYFRIEND AND A JUST BROKE
395
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:21,270
UP.
396
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:22,197
HAVE YOU TO.
397
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,870
>> Tosh: WHAT IF I GET YOU
398
00:16:23,867 --> 00:16:24,497
PREGNANT.
399
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,100
WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE BABY?
400
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,630
>> PROBABLY ABORTION.
401
00:16:27,633 --> 00:16:29,973
>> Tosh: THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
402
00:16:29,967 --> 00:16:31,367
THAT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE TO MAKE
403
00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:34,127
SO NO.
404
00:16:34,133 --> 00:16:40,233
NEXT IT' TAYLOR.
405
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:44,633
SHE SAID I'M WAITING FOR DANIEL
406
00:16:44,633 --> 00:16:48,073
TOSH OR JEFF RATNER TO ASK HER.
407
00:16:48,067 --> 00:16:49,127
>> HI.
408
00:16:49,133 --> 00:16:50,673
>> Tosh: YOU'RE IN MY
409
00:16:50,667 --> 00:16:51,197
WHEELHOUSE.
410
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:57,400
WHAT'S YOUR POLICY ON STATUTORY
411
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:57,830
STUFF.
412
00:16:57,833 --> 00:16:58,633
>> I DON'T KNOW.
413
00:16:58,633 --> 00:17:00,703
>> Tosh: I'LL DM YOU.
414
00:17:00,700 --> 00:17:02,200
NEXT IS WILL WHO WRITES REMEMBER
415
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,400
ME ABOUT EIGHT MONTHS AGO I TOLD
416
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:11,300
YOUR WHITE ASS TO BE IN THE BEST
417
00:17:11,300 --> 00:17:12,970
PROM IN AMERICA.
418
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,227
HAVE YOU EVER ASKED A DUDE TO
419
00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:16,073
PROM BEFORE?
420
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:17,527
>> NO, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME.
421
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:18,433
>> Tosh: VIRGIN.
422
00:17:18,433 --> 00:17:20,503
I'M NOT GOING TO PROM WAY VIRGIN
423
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:21,770
>> YOU'RE A BITCH.
424
00:17:21,767 --> 00:17:23,697
>> Tosh: YOU'RE A BITCH.
425
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,070
NEXT UP IS CASSIE.
426
00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:28,167
>> HI, DANIEL THANK YOU FOR
427
00:17:28,167 --> 00:17:29,197
HAVING ME.
428
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:30,730
>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
429
00:17:30,733 --> 00:17:31,673
>> 17.
430
00:17:31,667 --> 00:17:33,467
I'LL BE 18 JUNE 5.
431
00:17:33,467 --> 00:17:34,967
>> Tosh: I HOPE YOUR PROM IS
432
00:17:34,967 --> 00:17:35,727
JUNE 6.
433
00:17:35,733 --> 00:17:37,803
>> THAT'S NOT.
434
00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,630
>> Tosh: THEN NO.
435
00:17:39,633 --> 00:17:41,233
>> THANK YOU FOR AT LEAST
436
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:43,433
TALKING TO ME AND GETTING MY
437
00:17:43,433 --> 00:17:44,833
HOPES UP SO THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
438
00:17:44,833 --> 00:17:46,733
>> Tosh: YOU'RE WELCOME.
439
00:17:46,733 --> 00:17:48,073
AND STOP LETTING MEN WALK ALL
440
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,227
OVER YOU.
441
00:17:51,233 --> 00:17:53,973
FINALLY WE HAVE HUNTER.
442
00:17:53,967 --> 00:17:54,597
>> OKAY.
443
00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,070
>> Tosh: NO.
444
00:17:56,067 --> 00:17:56,767
>> HI.
445
00:17:56,767 --> 00:17:58,227
>> Tosh: NO ONE SHOULD EVER BE
446
00:17:58,233 --> 00:18:01,233
THAT EXCITED TO SEE ME.
447
00:18:01,233 --> 00:18:01,903
>> AH.
448
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:02,770
THAT'S NOT NICE.
449
00:18:02,767 --> 00:18:04,827
>> Tosh: WELCOME TO MY SHOW.
450
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:10,773
I THINK THE LESSON TO BE LEARNED
451
00:18:10,767 --> 00:18:12,567
IS STOP TRYING TO GUILT
452
00:18:12,567 --> 00:18:13,297
CELEBRITIY.
453
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:15,700
WHAT MAKE YOU THINKS I'D HAVE
454
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:20,830
INTEREST AND MY HIGH SCHOOL
455
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:28,273
RERUINON'S COMING UP AND MILA
456
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:30,727
KUNIS I'D LOVE YOU TO BE MY
457
00:18:30,733 --> 00:18:31,273
DATE.
458
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:32,427
>> THAT'S COLD OUTSIDE THE
459
00:18:32,433 --> 00:18:32,873
BLANKET.
460
00:18:32,867 --> 00:18:34,867
CLOSE YOUR EYES FOR A MINUTE AND
461
00:18:34,867 --> 00:18:37,367
ENJOY THESE LAST BITS OF SLEEP.
462
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,067
>> THAT WILL BE NICE.
463
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,597
I CAN SLEEP A MINUTE OR TWO
464
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:41,170
LONGER.
465
00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:49,167
>> JUST RELAX AND GET POO OUT OF
466
00:18:49,167 --> 00:18:49,627
YOU.
467
00:18:49,633 --> 00:18:51,073
YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE BATHROOM.
468
00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:53,067
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE A DEEP
469
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,367
BREATH AND LET IT ALL COME
470
00:18:54,367 --> 00:18:55,667
BLASTING OUT.
471
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,727
>> NO, NO.
472
00:18:57,733 --> 00:18:59,073
JESUS NO.
473
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:00,227
WHY WOULD I TRUST YOU.
474
00:19:00,233 --> 00:19:02,303
YOU'RE TRYING TO GET ME TO
475
00:19:02,300 --> 00:19:03,900
[BLEEP] IN MY BED.
476
00:19:03,900 --> 00:19:06,500
IF I [BLEEP] IN MY BED I'M GOING
477
00:19:06,500 --> 00:19:07,270
TO HAVE TO BUY --
478
00:19:07,267 --> 00:19:08,667
>> IT WON'T BE SO BAD.
479
00:19:08,667 --> 00:19:12,067
IT WILL BE A SMALL POO.
480
00:19:12,067 --> 00:19:13,267
DO IT!
481
00:19:13,267 --> 00:19:13,927
DO IT!
482
00:19:13,933 --> 00:19:15,473
>> Tosh: I AM LUCKY I HAVE A
483
00:19:15,467 --> 00:19:16,267
CALIFORNIA KING.
484
00:19:16,267 --> 00:19:19,567
I CAN POO ON ONE SIDE AND SLEEP
485
00:19:19,567 --> 00:19:20,727
COMFORTABLY ON THE OTHER.
486
00:19:20,733 --> 00:19:22,073
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE OF
487
00:19:22,067 --> 00:19:22,827
THE BEN SHOW.
488
00:19:22,833 --> 00:19:24,333
THEY DIDN'T REALLY AIR THAT, DID
489
00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:34,503
THEY?
490
00:19:34,500 --> 00:19:35,370
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
491
00:19:35,367 --> 00:19:38,067
IF YOU'VE NOTICED I'VE BEEN
492
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:39,597
LOOKING TRIM LATELY IT'S BECAUSE
493
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:42,770
I'M ON THE SHRIMP SCAMPI
494
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:43,227
CLEANSE.
495
00:19:43,233 --> 00:19:44,373
NEXT WEEK WE'RE GOING ON SUMMER
496
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:46,097
VACATION AND FINALLY GIVING YOU
497
00:19:46,100 --> 00:19:49,130
WHAT I CRAVE A RED HEAD THAT
498
00:19:49,133 --> 00:19:50,173
DUNKS NERF BALLS.
499
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:51,467
>> I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE
500
00:19:51,467 --> 00:20:00,127
MOST AWESOME THING.
501
00:20:00,133 --> 00:20:03,503
HI HAIR MAY BE MADE OF NERF.
502
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:05,800
GO TO EVERY BLOG WHERE EVERY
503
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:08,600
POST IS WRITTEN BY ME AND ME
504
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:13,570
ALONE UNDER TWO PSEUDONYMS AND
505
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:16,127
ENCOURAGE YOUR CHURCH TO BUY
506
00:20:16,133 --> 00:20:21,533
JUNE BLOOM TOURS WITH JARROD
507
00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:24,673
CARMICHAEL THIS IS OFF RANCHO
508
00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:25,167
CORDOVA.
509
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:28,727
ONE OF THE BIGGEST MOVIES COMING
510
00:20:28,733 --> 00:20:30,203
OUT IS HANGOVER 3.
511
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:32,470
IT'S TIME FOR SPOILER ALERT.
512
00:20:32,467 --> 00:20:34,727
FULL DISCLOSURE I'VE NOT SEEN
513
00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,073
THIS MOVIE NOR DO I INTENT TO.
514
00:20:37,067 --> 00:20:38,697
MAYBE ON HBO.
515
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:42,370
I JUST WATCHED "THAT'S MY BOY."
516
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:43,427
IT'S NOT BAD.
517
00:20:43,433 --> 00:20:45,873
IT WILL BE 30 TO 45 MINUTES TO
518
00:20:45,867 --> 00:20:49,227
LONG AND MISUNDERSTANDING, A
519
00:20:49,233 --> 00:20:51,373
WILD ANIMAL, THEY'LL PRONOUNCE
520
00:20:51,367 --> 00:20:54,027
WORDS WRONG AND BRADLEY COOPER
521
00:20:54,033 --> 00:20:56,973
WILL RUN HIS FINGERS THROUGH HIS
522
00:20:56,967 --> 00:20:58,397
ALMOST TOO THICK HAIR AND AT THE
523
00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,900
END THEY'LL SHOW PICTURES THAT
524
00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:03,800
WILL MAKE YOU WISH THAT WAS ON
525
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,170
THE MOVIE INSTEAD.
526
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:08,927
MY APOLOGIES IF ANY OF MY BITS
527
00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:10,773
WERE ON MAD TV FIVE YEARS AGO.
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00:21:10,767 --> 00:21:15,927
GOOD NIGHT.
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00:21:15,933 --> 00:21:17,073
>> Tosh: WE HAVE TO DO THIS
530
00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,097
AGAIN AT MY HOUSE.
531
00:21:18,100 --> 00:21:19,730
>> DO YOU HAVE A WATER BED?
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00:21:19,733 --> 00:21:21,133
>> Tosh: WHO HAS A WATER BED.
533
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:22,533
>> THEY WERE A FAD YEARS AGO.
534
00:21:22,533 --> 00:21:24,103
>> Tosh: OF COURSE THEY WERE.
535
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,770
I HAVE A WATER BED COUCH.
536
00:21:25,767 --> 00:21:27,067
THAT'S SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE
33561
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