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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: THE NEW AUNT JEMIMA
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PANCAKE ADS ARE A LITTLE
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PROVOCATIVE.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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I CHANGED MY NAME FOR RELIGIOUS
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REASONS I WAS A MEMBER OF A
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NON-DENOMINATION AT CHURCH AND
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THE SHOW WILL STAY THE SAME BUT
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THE TONE WILL CHANGE AND I SPEND
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SEVEN MINUTES IN HEAVEN THIS
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WITH KID AND OPEN UP SUSPICIOUS
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PACKAGES AND NOW LET'S SEE WHY
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KATE UPTON BETTER ENJOY HER
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EARLY 20s.
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WILL PERK UP WITH UNDER WIRE.
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IF YOU CAN BELIEVE IT THEY'RE
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ALL NATURAL.
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ON LONG FLIGHTS THEY MAKE A VERY
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COZY NECK PILLOW.
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MAKE SURE TO THROW FLOUR DOWN.
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WE'RE ABOUT TO HAMMER OUT SOME
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BISCUITS.
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MAYBE HER NIPPLES ARE JUST
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REALLY HEAVY.
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OH, I DIDN'T THINK OF THAT.
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THE GREAT THING ABOUT PARKING
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LOTS IS THEY ARE COMPLETELY
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LAWLESS.
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SOMEONE TAKE AWAY THE KEYS FROM
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REESE WITHERSPOON'S SECOND TO
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LAST HUSBAND.
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[ TIRES SCREECHING ]
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>> Tosh: I'M SURE THE LATE-MODEL
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RUSSIAN HASHBACK HAD AN AIRBAG.
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IT'S HARD TO DRIFT ON FOUR
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SPARES.
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FAST AND FURIOUS SIX HAS A
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LOW-BUDGE INDIE FEEL.
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OKAY, TIME TO PAY TRIBUTE TO THE
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JACKIE ROBINSON OF THE X-GAMES.
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NO WHITE SPORT IS SAFE NOW THAT
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TIGER'S ILLEGITIMATE KIDS ARE
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HITTING PUBERTY.
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>> OH, MY GOD!
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>> YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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I DID IT!
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>> Tosh: LEAVE IT TO THE BLACK
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SKATER TO THROW IN A TOUCHDOWN
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DANCE.
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HE DIDN'T KNOW IT YET BUT HE'S
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GOOD AT EVERY SPORT.
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I'M PROUD TO SAY I'VE RECENTLY
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BROKEN A COLOR BARRIER MYSELF.
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YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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YES!
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I DID A BLACK GIRL!
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I DID A BLACK GIRL!
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WHOO!
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THANK YOU, BLACK PEOPLE MEET DOT
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COM BUT I THINK I AM GOING TO GO
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BACK.
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WATCH THE NEXT CLIP FAST BECAUSE
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THE KID'S ONLY ALLOWED OUT 20
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MINUTES A DAY.
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>> DRIVEWAYS BY MASON REINHARDT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> Tosh: MASON, MAYBE YOU SHOULD
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WORK ON TAKES CHARGES.
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IN FAIRNESS THAT'S CLOSE FOR A
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DRUNK IRISH KID.
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WOW, THE CHUCK OFF THE GLASS
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HASN'T STOPPED DWIGHT HOWARD ALL
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SEASON.
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NOT SURPRISING BUT KOBE HAS TO
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TWEET HIS TWO CENTS THE COUCH.
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MISTAKES HAPPEN, KID.
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APOLOGIZE AND BUY A FOUR-MILLION
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RING MOVE ON.
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HASHTAG LAKERS TALK AND LAKERS
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SUCK.
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HE MIGHT HAVE DELETED THAT
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TWEET.
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DEPRESSED ANIMALS IN CAPTIVITY
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HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ADORABLE.
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HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS EVER SINCE
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HEIDI KLUM LEFT.
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SOMEONE PULLED THE STOPPER IN
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HIS GIANT BATHTUB.
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HE'S GOING TO BE SO DIZZY WHEN
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IT'S TIME TO EAT FISH.
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WHOEVER HE STOPS ON HAS TO CLUB
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HIM.
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THEY DON'T PLAY THE GAME.
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VIDEO'S MAKING ME HUNGRY.
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I CAN GO FOR A SEAL GYRO OR IS
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IT GYRO?
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I GO GYRO.
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ALL RIGHT.
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>> WE'RE OUT OF TZATZIKI.
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>> HERE, BUDDY.
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>> Tosh: WAY TO CLOSE EARLY.
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WE RAN OUT OF TZATZIKI.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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>> Tosh: TWO TEEN-AGED BOYS
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EXPERIMENTING WITH THEIR BODIES
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IN THE RUMPUS ROOM.
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DELIGHTFUL.
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NOW THE PASS-GAME IS THE PERFECT
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ACTIVITY WHEN YOU'RE TOO YOUNG
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TO BUY DRUGS BUT STILL WANT
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BRAIN DAMAGE.
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BEFORE YOU HYPERVENTILATE INLAND
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YOUR BUSY AND HOLD YOUR BREATH
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UNTIL YOUR BODY SIMULATES
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CARDIAC ARREST LIKE SELF-ROOFIES
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WITHOUT WAKE UP WAY SORE B-HOLE.
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DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME UNLESS
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YOUR SUPER BORED.
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LOOK THAT THE QUITTER.
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SOMETIMES GIVING UP IS THE
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SMARTEST THING TO DO.
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THAT'S WHAT GOT DAVID CARRADINE
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INTO TROUBLE.
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PEOPLE WHO MAKE THEMSELVES OUT
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AS CHILDREN TEND TO ADD JERKING
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OFF AS AN ADULT.
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NOW FALLING INTO A COUCH.
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LITERALLY EVERYONE SAW THAT
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COMING.
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THERE GOES EVERYTHING YOU
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LEARNED IN THE 8th GRADE.
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HAS THE 1993 THRILLER FLATLINER
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TAUGHT US NOTHING?
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>> YOU'RE BLEEDING.
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>> WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> Tosh: I HAVE A HUNCH HE MAKE
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WAKE UP IN THAT BASEMENT IN HIS
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MID-40s AND ASK HIM SELF THE
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SAME QUESTION.
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FOR THAT WE THANK YOU AND BACK
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WITH A VAGINA EXPERT BUT FIRST
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THIS YOUNGSTER WAS BANNED FROM
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PERFORMING AT HIS FIRST-GRADE
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TALENT SHOW BECAUSE IT WAS
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DEEMED TOO INAPPROPRIATE AND AS
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A FELLOW ARTIST I WILL STAND
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CENSORSHIP.
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HERE'S ERIC.
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>> THANK YOU, MR. TOSH.
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HERE'S MY TALENT.
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[ FLATLATION ]
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>> WOMEN, STAND UP AND MANIFEST
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YOUR DESTINY IN PUSSY POWER.
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A MAN'S LIFE FORCE IS IN HIS
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NUTS OR, EXCUSE ME, IN THE BASE
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OF HIS TESTICLES.
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STOP LETTING MEN TREAT YOU LOOK
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A COMMON BITCH.
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A COMMON SHE-DOG.
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Y'ALL NEED TO WATCH IT AND LIFT
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YOUR NUT SACK UP AND GO
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UNDERNEATH YOUR CRACK AND AROUND
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THE BACK OF Y'ALL NUTS.
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SHE STARTED ROCKING AND SAID
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SOMETHING HIT HER ALL UPSIDE AND
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THAT WILL MAKE YOU SLAP
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SOMEBODY.
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>> Tosh: BEST BETWEEN TWO FERNS
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YET.
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THAT'S ALEXIS AND THE HORNIEST
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AND WAS DISHING OFF THE DIRTY
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ALL IN THE NAME OF PUSSY POWER.
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THE V-HOLE IS THE HOLIEST OF
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HOLES.
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BEHIND KOJI AND THE DORITO IT'S
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MY THIRD FAVORITE TACO.
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IT'S LIKE SNOWFLAKES.
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NO TWO ALIKE AND YOU SHOULD
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NEVER EAT ONE YOUR BUDDY PEED
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ON.
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IT'S LIKE A RIDDLE THAT SMELLS
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WEIRD.
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THE REASON GOD BURIED IS BEHIND
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YOUR LEGS IS BECAUSE IT'S GROSS.
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S INSIDE YOUR
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STENCH TRENCH BUT SCIENTISTS
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MAINTAIN IT'S LIKE PROSCIUTTO.
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NO AMOUNT OF BURT'S BEES WILL
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HELP THOSE LIPS.
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THERE'S NATURAL YEAST AND THAT'S
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WHY YOU'RE ALL GOOD ADD BAKING.
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YOU HAVE A GYNECOLOGIST FOR THE
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DOWNSTAIRS MATH AND THE MAN JUST
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HAS TO MAKE SURE HIS PENAL IS
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ISN'T TIED IN A KNOT AND HE'S
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GOOD TO GO BUT IF SHE WANTS TO
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TALK ABOUT THE HOO-HA I'M CLEAR
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AND I FLEW HER TO HOLLYWOOD FOR
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THIS WEEK'S CE-WEB-RITY PROFILE.
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ALEXIS.
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I'M DR. DANIEL.
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LET'S GET A LOOK AT THIS.
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OH, MY LORD, THAT IS BEAUTIFUL
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YOUNGY.
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>> I KNOW.
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IT'S HOT AS A [BLEEP] TOO.
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>> Tosh: I HEARD THAT.
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WHAT IS PUSSY POWER?
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>> PUSSY POWER IS SPIRITUAL,
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MENTAL EMOTIONAL DRIVE IN A
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WOMAN'S [BLEEP] WHERE SHE KNOWS
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SHE CONTROLS THE RELATIONSHIP
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WITHIN HERSELF AND WITH THAT
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DICK
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>> Tosh: HAS A MAN EVER CHEATED
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ON YOU?
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>> YEAH, AND I PUT A NOOSE
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AROUND HIS NUTS AND I DON'T
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THINK HE'LL BE DOING THAT NO
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MORE.
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>> Tosh: NO.
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ARE YOU IN A HEALTHY
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RELATIONSHIP NOW?
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>> I'M IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
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WITH MY OWN [BLEEP].
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>> Tosh: I'D LOVE TO WATCH THAT.
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HOW'D YOU GET A PUBLIC ACCESS
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SHOW.
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>> I APPLIED LIKE EVERYBODY
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ELSE.
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>> Tosh: WERE THERE
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RESTRICTIONS.
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>> SUPPOSEDLY THERE WASN'T BUT
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THEY HAD A PROBLEM WITH ME
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PEOPLE SAYING THEY SUCK UP UNTIL
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THEY HICCUP.
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>> Tosh: HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE
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SEX?
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>> I HAVE SEX IN MY MIND.
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>> Tosh: HOW OFTEN DO YOU HAVE
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SEX IN YOUR MIND?
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>> EVERY DAY I TEACH.
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I'M HAVING SEX WHILE I'M TALKING
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TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
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>> Tosh: HOW AM I?
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>> HOT.
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>> Tosh: I'M PUTTING THAT ON MY
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RESUME.
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IF YOU HAD A PENIS FOR ONE DAY
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WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
263
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:38,100
>> I WOULD USE IT ON EVERY WOMAN
264
00:10:38,100 --> 00:10:41,400
I WOULD BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW
265
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:45,900
WHY GUYS ARE DOGS DOES IT FEEL
266
00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:58,330
THAT HOT AND MOIST AND I WOULD
267
00:10:58,333 --> 00:10:59,673
LOVE TO TIE YOU DOWN AND GIVE
268
00:10:59,667 --> 00:11:01,067
YOU A BIG HARD ONE.
269
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:04,127
>> I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT.
270
00:11:04,133 --> 00:11:05,973
DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE VAGINAS
271
00:11:05,967 --> 00:11:06,697
ARE BEAUTIFUL?
272
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,700
>> ABSOLUTELY.
273
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:08,870
I LOOK AT MINE EVERY DAY.
274
00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:09,697
I OWN ONE.
275
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:11,100
>> Tosh: DO YOU THINK IT'S THE
276
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:12,470
STRONGEST MUSCLE IN THE BODY.
277
00:11:12,467 --> 00:11:17,227
>> YEAH, YOU CAN BRING A MAN TO
278
00:11:17,233 --> 00:11:19,903
HIS KNEES WITH THE RIGHT
279
00:11:19,900 --> 00:11:20,600
MUSCLES.
280
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:21,770
>> Tosh: AND IF NOT YOU WANT TO
281
00:11:21,767 --> 00:11:23,197
USE THE BACKDOOR.
282
00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:25,500
>> YOU WANT THOSE TIGHT TOO
283
00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,330
THAT'S WHY I HAVE MY GODDESS
284
00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:29,173
CREAM.
285
00:11:29,167 --> 00:11:30,797
>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN AN
286
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,530
UGLY VAGINA.
287
00:11:32,533 --> 00:11:34,403
>> YEAH, WITH THE LIPS ALL
288
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:35,730
BUSTED OUT, YEAH.
289
00:11:35,733 --> 00:11:37,473
>> Tosh: HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN THE
290
00:11:37,467 --> 00:11:38,927
BIRDS AND BEES SPEECH TO
291
00:11:38,933 --> 00:11:39,533
CHILDREN?
292
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,903
>> YEAH, BUT MINE IS A LITTLE
293
00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:41,930
MORE RACY.
294
00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:43,273
I THINK THAT'S WHY THE KIDS LIKE
295
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,197
ME SO MUCH.
296
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:44,930
>> Tosh: HONEST.
297
00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:46,633
>> HELL, YOU GOT FIVE-YEAR-OLDS
298
00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:48,703
THAT CAN GET THEIR [BLEEP] NOW.
299
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,600
>> Tosh: WHOA, WHAT
300
00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,330
FIVE-YEAR-OLD IS GETTING
301
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:52,833
[BLEEP]?
302
00:11:52,833 --> 00:11:54,233
>> IN PRE-K.
303
00:11:54,233 --> 00:11:56,073
YOU CAN EVEN GET SOME [BLEEP] IN
304
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,667
FIRST AND SECOND GRADE.
305
00:11:58,667 --> 00:11:59,767
>> Tosh: NO, YOU CAN'T.
306
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:02,067
>> YES, YOU CAN.
307
00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:05,367
>> Tosh: IS THERE ANY SEXPERT
308
00:12:05,367 --> 00:12:07,267
YOU DON'T THINK GIVES GOOD
309
00:12:07,267 --> 00:12:07,727
ADVICE.
310
00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:14,073
>> Tosh: THE OLDER LADY DR.
311
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:14,767
RUTH?
312
00:12:14,767 --> 00:12:18,227
>> MEN LIKE TO [BLEEP] WOMEN
313
00:12:18,233 --> 00:12:20,403
THAT CAN PUT THE TEETH IN THE
314
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:20,900
CUP.
315
00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:23,400
>> Tosh: NO ONE LIKES THAT?
316
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,830
>> THEY LIKE GUMMY NUTS.
317
00:12:25,833 --> 00:12:26,933
>> Tosh: YOU'RE WRONG ON THAT
318
00:12:26,933 --> 00:12:27,403
ONE.
319
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,830
WE WANT A BEAUTIFUL --
320
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,833
>> YEAH, UNTIL YOU PULL YOUR
321
00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:32,633
[BLEEP] OUT.
322
00:12:32,633 --> 00:12:34,633
YOU LIKE THEM BITCHS WITH THE
323
00:12:34,633 --> 00:12:36,433
TEETH OUT TO GNAW ON THE [BLEEP]
324
00:12:36,433 --> 00:12:40,073
>> Tosh: I DID NOT CALL WOMEN,
325
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,597
BITCHES FIRST OF ALL ANY UNDER
326
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:42,200
CIRCUMSTANCE.
327
00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:42,800
>> OKAY.
328
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:43,500
>> Tosh: I'M KIDDING.
329
00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:47,230
I CALL THEM BITCHES.
330
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,533
YOU DON'T NEED THE RESTRICTIONS
331
00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:50,673
OF PUBLIC ACCESS.
332
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:53,167
YOU NEED A FORUM THAT LET'S YOU
333
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:53,827
BE YOU.
334
00:12:53,833 --> 00:12:56,603
SPEAK TO YOUR AUDIENCE, WHITE
335
00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,100
WOMEN AT 8:00 IN THE MORNING.
336
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,670
WANT TO GIVE IT A SHOT?
337
00:12:59,667 --> 00:13:00,397
>> HMM?
338
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:01,370
>> Tosh: THAT'S SOUNDS ABOUT
339
00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:02,967
RIGHT.
340
00:13:02,967 --> 00:13:05,227
WELCOME TO GOOD BONING AMERICA.
341
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:07,073
I'M YOUR HOST, DANIEL.
342
00:13:07,067 --> 00:13:11,797
>> AND I'M THE QUEEN OF PUSSY
343
00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,670
POWER, ALEXIS.
344
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:14,727
>> Tosh: LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING
345
00:13:14,733 --> 00:13:18,873
ON IN THE WORLD TODAY.
346
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:20,067
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT
347
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,727
HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEKEND.
348
00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:24,803
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE IT.
349
00:13:24,800 --> 00:13:30,070
>> THE [BLEEP] IS A MUSCLE.
350
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:32,067
YOU NEED TO WORK IT OUT.
351
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:37,467
>> Tosh: DID YOU HAVE BIGGER
352
00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,667
PLUGS?
353
00:13:38,667 --> 00:13:40,797
IT WON'T STAY IN MY BUTT.
354
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,070
YEARS OF ABUSE.
355
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:46,567
>> THE NEXT GUEST IS FROM WNBA
356
00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:50,327
WIVES, PLEASE WELCOME LONNIE
357
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:50,903
WAHL.
358
00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:52,130
>> Tosh: YOU'RE MY FAVORITE.
359
00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:55,433
>> THANK YOU.
360
00:13:55,433 --> 00:13:57,073
>> WELCOME BACK.
361
00:13:57,067 --> 00:13:59,067
EARLIER WE MET HALLE ON THE
362
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:00,797
STREET AND HER VAGINA WAS A
363
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:02,330
MESS, BABY.
364
00:14:02,333 --> 00:14:05,733
>> Tosh: OH, GROSS!
365
00:14:05,733 --> 00:14:06,333
WHOO!
366
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:08,073
>> SO WE'VE BEEN BACKSTAGE
367
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:13,467
GIVING HER A COMPLETE VAGINAL
368
00:14:13,467 --> 00:14:14,167
REJUVENATION.
369
00:14:14,167 --> 00:14:16,567
WE'RE TALKING TRIM, HOOD UP,
370
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:19,697
BEEN POLISH AND WE THREW IN A
371
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,630
LIP STRENGTHENER.
372
00:14:21,633 --> 00:14:24,073
>> Tosh: READY TO SEE HER BRAND
373
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:28,697
NEW PINK CANOE?
374
00:14:28,700 --> 00:14:29,500
>> WHOO HOO!
375
00:14:29,500 --> 00:14:33,370
>> Tosh: WHAT IS THAT WONDERFUL
376
00:14:33,367 --> 00:14:33,827
SMELL?
377
00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:38,473
>> IT'S BEEN IN ROSE WATER.
378
00:14:38,467 --> 00:14:38,967
YEA!
379
00:14:38,967 --> 00:14:43,097
>> Tosh: HOLD ON, I HAVE GELMAN
380
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:44,730
IN MY HERE.
381
00:14:44,733 --> 00:14:45,633
CUT THE FEED.
382
00:14:45,633 --> 00:14:46,603
WE'RE CANCELLED.
383
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,430
>> Tosh: THE ONLY VAGINA
384
00:14:48,433 --> 00:14:51,203
EUPHEMISM THEY WOULDN'T LET ME
385
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,430
SAY IS JIZNEY-LAND.
386
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,073
FIRST, TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON
387
00:14:54,067 --> 00:15:02,067
HERE?
388
00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:08,327
[LAUGHTER]
389
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,400
>> ALL YOU JEALOUS HOES ON
390
00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,370
TWITTER WHO DON'T HAVE THE BALLS
391
00:15:18,367 --> 00:15:20,197
TO TAKE ME IN THEIR TWEETS
392
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,200
[BLEEP] YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU'RE
393
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,900
JUST JEALOUS ALL THREE OF THESE
394
00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:27,670
BITCHES GAVE ME ALL OF THESE AND
395
00:15:27,667 --> 00:15:30,497
YOU'RE STUCK TO YOUR RIGHT HAND
396
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,870
ON YOUR COMPUTER.
397
00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:34,727
YOU'RE MAD BECAUSE I HAVE
398
00:15:34,733 --> 00:15:37,673
HICKEYS AND YOU HAVE STDs.
399
00:15:37,667 --> 00:15:39,327
I'M THE HICKEY COLLECTOR AND
400
00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:42,973
YOU'RE THE AIDS COLLECTING SO
401
00:15:42,967 --> 00:15:45,067
KEEP COLLECTING HOES BECAUSE WE
402
00:15:45,067 --> 00:15:46,467
DON'T [BLEEP].
403
00:15:46,467 --> 00:15:49,497
>> Tosh: YEAH, HATERS, WHO LOOKS
404
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:51,070
DUMB NOW?
405
00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:52,527
TO THE KIDS NEED ADULT
406
00:15:52,533 --> 00:15:53,933
SUPERVISION AND IT'S A SAD DAY
407
00:15:53,933 --> 00:15:55,533
IN AMERICA WHEN IT HAS TO COME
408
00:15:55,533 --> 00:15:57,873
FROM ME SO HELP ME WELCOME,
409
00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:58,327
JAKE.
410
00:15:58,333 --> 00:16:00,173
HEY, BUDDY.
411
00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:01,397
>> HEY.
412
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:02,730
>> Tosh: HOW OLD ARE YOU?
413
00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:05,203
>> 15 TURNING 16.
414
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,730
>> Tosh: SO HOW LONG HAVE YOU
415
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:08,273
BEEN COLLECTING HICKEYS?
416
00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:10,367
>> THAT WAS MY SECOND TIME AND I
417
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:11,697
DON'T KNOW WHY THERE WERE SO
418
00:16:11,700 --> 00:16:12,670
MANY.
419
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:13,567
THEY'RE SO BIG.
420
00:16:13,567 --> 00:16:15,167
>> Tosh: HOW LONG WERE THOSE
421
00:16:15,167 --> 00:16:16,867
BITCHES SUCK ON YOUR NECK AND
422
00:16:16,867 --> 00:16:19,627
WHEN I SAY BITCHES I'M QUOTING
423
00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:20,103
YOU.
424
00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:22,070
THEY SEEM NICE LADIES TO ME.
425
00:16:22,067 --> 00:16:25,567
>> 20 MINUTES HOLDING ME DOWN TO
426
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:26,827
THE COUCH.
427
00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:30,903
>> Tosh: IT WASN'T VOLUNTARY ARE
428
00:16:30,900 --> 00:16:32,070
YOU GOING CHARGE THEM WITH
429
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:34,597
SEXUAL ASSAULT.
430
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,700
DON'T BE A SILENT VICTIM.
431
00:16:36,700 --> 00:16:38,600
WHERE'S THE BEST PLACE TO GET
432
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:39,100
HICKEYS?
433
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:40,500
>> IN MY BASEMENT.
434
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,630
>> Tosh: YOU'RE PROUD OF
435
00:16:42,633 --> 00:16:44,073
YOURSELF, AREN'T YOU?
436
00:16:44,067 --> 00:16:47,427
HEY, WHAT DID YOUR SINGLE MOM
437
00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:51,703
SAY WHEN SHE SAW THE HICKEYS?
438
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:54,300
>> SHE'S NOT SINGLE SHE'S
439
00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,270
MARRIED.
440
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:56,227
SHE SLAPPED ME.
441
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:57,203
>> Tosh: GOOD.
442
00:16:57,200 --> 00:16:58,330
DID SHE MAKE YOU COVER THEM UP?
443
00:16:58,333 --> 00:17:00,373
>> YEAH, BECAUSE I HAD TO GO TO
444
00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:02,067
MY GRANDMAS.
445
00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:03,127
>> Tosh: WHAT DID EVERYONE AT
446
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:04,133
SCHOOL THINK?
447
00:17:04,133 --> 00:17:10,273
>> I ALMOST GOT KICKED FOR THE
448
00:17:10,267 --> 00:17:10,927
VIDEO.
449
00:17:10,933 --> 00:17:12,073
>> Tosh: FOR HOW LONG?
450
00:17:12,067 --> 00:17:12,727
>> EVER.
451
00:17:12,733 --> 00:17:14,073
>> Tosh: WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE
452
00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:15,167
IF YOU GROW UP?
453
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:18,567
>> FIRST I WANTED TO BE A MARINE
454
00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:19,967
BIOLOGIST OR PHOTOGRAPHER BUT
455
00:17:19,967 --> 00:17:21,467
I'M NOT SURE.
456
00:17:21,467 --> 00:17:23,297
I STILL HAVE A LOT OF YEARS.
457
00:17:23,300 --> 00:17:25,530
I WANTED TO HATE YOU BUT YOU
458
00:17:25,533 --> 00:17:27,073
SEEM LIKE A KID.
459
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:28,767
ONE LAST QUESTION YOUR ACCEPT'S
460
00:17:28,767 --> 00:17:29,697
WEIRD.
461
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:30,970
WHAT STATE ARE YOU IN?
462
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,697
>> I'M IN CANADA.
463
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:34,570
>> Tosh: THAT EXPLAINS
464
00:17:34,567 --> 00:17:36,727
EVERYTHING.
465
00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:40,173
YOU PROBABLY JUST HAD MAPLE
466
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:42,567
SYRUP COMING OUT OF YOUR PORES.
467
00:17:42,567 --> 00:17:43,797
ENJOY THE NHL PLAYOFFS.
468
00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:45,100
I HAVE A SHOW TO DO.
469
00:17:45,100 --> 00:17:45,900
>> BYE.
470
00:17:45,900 --> 00:17:46,900
>> Tosh: BYE.
471
00:17:46,900 --> 00:17:48,630
IN A COUPLE YEARS HE'D BE THE
472
00:17:48,633 --> 00:17:51,133
PERFECT CONTESTANT FOR MY SHOW
473
00:17:51,133 --> 00:17:52,873
VACUUM HICKEYS BY DYSON.
474
00:17:52,867 --> 00:17:55,097
THE FIRST CONTESTANT IS TAYLOR.
475
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,170
YOU NOW THE RULES, TWO ONE FOR
476
00:17:57,167 --> 00:17:58,397
BODY LOCATION AND ONE FOR THE
477
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:02,730
AMOUNT OF TIME YOU'LL BE GETTING
478
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:03,203
SUCKED.
479
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,500
MAKE SURE THE WHEEL GOES AROUND
480
00:18:05,500 --> 00:18:08,930
BECAUSE IF IT DOESN'T WE'LL BE
481
00:18:08,933 --> 00:18:09,403
--
482
00:18:09,400 --> 00:18:11,530
>> Tosh: THAT'S RIGHT, WE BANG
483
00:18:11,533 --> 00:18:23,303
YOUR SISTER, CONSENSUALLY.
484
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,700
OH, FIVE MINUTES TO THE MOUTH.
485
00:18:24,700 --> 00:18:38,100
BRUTAL.
486
00:18:38,100 --> 00:18:42,530
HE LATER DIED FROM A BLOOD CLOT.
487
00:18:42,533 --> 00:18:54,173
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE
488
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:59,067
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK NFL DRAFT
489
00:18:59,067 --> 00:19:01,797
CONGRATS ON WORKING TOWARDS YOUR
490
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:02,770
CAREER.
491
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:06,167
LATER I MEET MY SHIRTLESS
492
00:19:06,167 --> 00:19:14,867
SOULMATE.
493
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,827
* YOU'RE READY TO MINGLE *
494
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:21,203
* I'M READY TO ROLL *
495
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,370
>> Tosh: FROM THAT CLIP THERE'S
496
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:24,367
NO WAY TO PREDICT HOW INSANE
497
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:25,097
THAT MAN.
498
00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,130
WE HAD TO BUY HIM TEETH.
499
00:19:26,133 --> 00:19:26,973
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER.
500
00:19:26,967 --> 00:19:28,797
YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THEY'VE
501
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,270
GRANTED ME FIVE MORE CHARACTERS.
502
00:19:30,267 --> 00:19:31,397
I WON'T USE THEM.
503
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:33,270
I'M A MAN OF PRINCIPLE.
504
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:35,597
HEAD TO YOUR SCHOOL'S COMPUTER
505
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:38,370
LAB AND MAKE OUR BLOG THE HOME
506
00:19:38,367 --> 00:19:41,727
PAGE FOREVER MACHINE AND SEE ME
507
00:19:41,733 --> 00:19:43,703
DO STANDUP ON THE JUNE GLOOM
508
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:45,500
TOUR WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.
509
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:48,430
SOME HOW WE HAVE A PICTURE OF
510
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:51,273
JERROD'S ENTIRE FAMILY ENJOYING
511
00:19:51,267 --> 00:19:54,667
A REUNION AND SOMEONE
512
00:19:54,667 --> 00:19:55,827
DELIBERATELY AND MALICIOUSLY CUT
513
00:19:55,833 --> 00:19:57,633
HIM OUT OF IT.
514
00:19:57,633 --> 00:20:00,333
FINALLY A WEBSITE TO WRAP MY
515
00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:01,633
HEAD AROUND CALLED SOMETHING
516
00:20:01,633 --> 00:20:04,033
STORE DOT COM.
517
00:20:04,033 --> 00:20:05,703
YOU SEND THEM TEN DOLLARS AND
518
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:08,100
THEY SEND YOU SOMETHING.
519
00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:11,170
NATURALLY I SENT THEM $200.
520
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:13,197
THAT'S AROUND TWO-MILLION -- I'M
521
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:14,230
NOT GOOD AT MATH.
522
00:20:14,233 --> 00:20:21,003
>> I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS.
523
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,170
LOOK AT THIS
524
00:20:22,167 --> 00:20:24,697
THIS IS A MULTI-TOOL.
525
00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:31,870
>> I GOT A HOOKA.
526
00:20:31,867 --> 00:20:33,667
>> LOOK AT THIS.
527
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:39,167
>> ANOTHER [BLEEP]?
528
00:20:39,167 --> 00:20:41,067
>> I GOT A KINDLE YOU GUYS.
529
00:20:41,067 --> 00:20:43,227
>> NO YOU DIDN'T?
530
00:20:43,233 --> 00:20:46,503
>> YEAH, I DID.
531
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,130
>> THIS GUY STOLE [BLEEP].
532
00:20:49,133 --> 00:20:50,533
>> Tosh: THAT GUY WILL EITHER BE
533
00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:52,003
A BILLIONAIRE OR IN JAIL BY
534
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:54,500
TOMORROW MORNING.
535
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:55,800
FINALLY MY JEWISH VIEWERS WILL
536
00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,030
GET TO KNOW WHAT CHRISTMAS
537
00:20:57,033 --> 00:20:58,573
REALLY FEELS LIKE.
538
00:20:58,567 --> 00:20:59,697
EXCITEMENT THEN DISAPPOINTMENT
539
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:01,230
FOLLOWED BY JEALOUSY.
540
00:21:01,233 --> 00:21:02,203
GOOD NIGHT.
541
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:08,430
STAY TUNED FOR AMY SCHUMER'S
542
00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:10,933
FIRST TELEVISION SHOW AND COMEDY
543
00:21:10,933 --> 00:21:16,903
CENTRAL'S 25th ATTEMPT AT A
544
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:18,600
>> Tosh: WHAT'S AN AVERAGED SIZE
545
00:21:18,600 --> 00:21:19,070
PENIS?
546
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:20,067
>> SEVEN INCHES.
547
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:21,097
>> Tosh: THAT'S AVERAGE.
548
00:21:21,100 --> 00:21:23,370
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS.
549
00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:27,397
>> Tosh: EWW.
34078
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