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[ DISCLAIMER ]
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[***]
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: WATCH YOUR ASS, MENUDO.
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WELCOME TO "TOSH.0."
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BECAUSE YOUR SCHOOL MAKES YOU
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WEAR A LAME UNIFORM TO CUT DOWN
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ON BULLYING DOESN'T MEAN YOUR
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VEST CAN'T BE CASHMERE.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW I WHISPER
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SWEET NOTHING THIS BOY'S EAR AND
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TAKE ON THE BILL GATES CONDOM
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CHALLENGE AND DISCOVER RACISM IS
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STILL ALIVE AND WELL IN THE
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SOUTH.
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NOW, LET'S WATCH AGAIN AS SEE
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WHY BRAZIL ISN'T JUST DISGUSTING
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NUTS AND VAGINA WAXES.
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IF YOU IT THEN YOU SHOULD A
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[BLEEP] RING ON IT.
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SEE, THIS IS WHY I LOVE HOUSE
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HUNTERS INTERNATIONAL.
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LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE MOVED IN AND
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I LOVE WHAT THEY DID WITH THE
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WALL.
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THAT REMINDS ME, ABC HAS GIVEN
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ME THE EXTREME HONOR OF
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REVEALING THE CELEBRITIES ON THE
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NEW SEASON OF TWERKING WITH THE
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STARS.
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: CHRIS KIRKPATRICK,
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HOOTIE, TINA YOTHERS, JON DAILY,
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1975 PLAYMATE OF THE YEAR
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MARILYN LANG, WESLEY SNIPES,
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SUSPENSE NOVELIST, DEAN KOONTZ,
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MATISYAHU AND WHOEVER GEORGE
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CLOONEY IS TIRED OF [BLEEP]ING.
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A STRONG LINEUP AND NOW, HIGH
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SCHOOL IS IT CLEARLY THE BEST
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YEARS OF THIS GUY'S LIFE.
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WHERE THE HELL'S THE HALL
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MONITOR?
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SEE, JANITORS YOU CAN STILL HAVE
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FUN.
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IT'S NOT ALL THROWING KITTY
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LITTER ON BARF.
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GLEE IS GETTING GOOD AGAIN NO
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NOW ALL THE ACTORS ARE COKED UP.
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HE LATER DIED IN A CAR CRASH
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WHILE TEXTS IN A PARKING LOT.
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HE WAS WALKING.
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NOT PAYING ATTENTION EQUALLY
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DANGEROUS.
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WE ALL KNOW IS THE SEAHORSE
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COMMUNITY THE MALES GIVE BIRTH.
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BUT DO YOU KNOW THAT SEAHORSES
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ARE CALLED THE MORMONS OF THE
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SEA?
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DO YOU KNOW IT ONLY TAKES ONE
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MALE GIVING BIRTH TO 2,000 KIDS
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TO PROVE THAT ALL WOMEN ARE
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EXAGGERATING ABOUT HOW PAINFUL
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IT IS.
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DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO
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SEND ALL OF THEM TO SCHOOL FOR
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ONE SEA-MESTER?
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AND DO YOU KNOW THE HARDEST PART
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IS ROUNDING UP ALL THOSE KIDS
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INTO THEIR PLAYPEN.
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>> LET'S GO, ROUND'EM UP.
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I LOVE SEAHORSES.
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SEAHORSES FOREVER.
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>> Tosh: THANKFULLY 99.5% OF ALL
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SEAHORSE BABIES DIE SO MAYBE
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LIFE ISN'T AS PRECIOUS AS YOU
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THOUGHT.
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FOR THE RECORD, I DID TELL HER
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TWO FUNNEL CAKES WAS A BIT MUCH.
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BUT DID YOU SEE THE BATHROOM
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LINES?
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LOOKS LIKE THE HEAT AREN'T THE
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ONLY ONES WITH AN IMPRESSIVE
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STREAK THIS YEAR.
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HAVE YOUR KIDS BEEN TO THE NEW
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MUNCHKIN MUDSLIDE AT [BLEEP]
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BON?
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PRETTY FUN.
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I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO THE
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LIFEGUARD.
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HEAD FIRST ISN'T ABOUT SAFETY,
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IT'S ABOUT HEALTH.
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YOU THINK BY NOW THEY'D INVENT A
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WAY TO FLUSH THE ENTIRE
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WATERPARK AT ONCE.
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IT'S ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF FATS
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DOING AMAZING THINGS.
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GREAT BALL CONTROL, AWFUL SELF
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CONTROL.
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NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FAT JOKES
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WE CAN MAKE.
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NOT SURE HOW GREAT HE IS ON THE
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BREAKAWAYS.
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GOOD WITH HIS FEET CONSIDERING
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HE CAN'T SEE THEM.
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THE OTHER 23 AND A HALF HOURS A
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DAY HE'S NOT QUITE AS ACTIVE.
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NOW THROW HIM A SARDINE SO HE'LL
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HONK THE HORN.
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CAN'T BELIEVE HE KEPT IT IN THE
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AIR THIS LONG WITHOUT EATING IT.
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EVERYONE IN ADELE'S FAMILY IS
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TALENTED.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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CHAMPIONS
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[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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>> Tosh: I DIDN'T KNOW CARNIVAL
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CRUISE LINE SPONSORED A ROWING
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TEAM.
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NOW, JUST SIT RIGHT BACK AND
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YOU'LL HEAR A TALE IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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WHETHER IT'S ON A LAKE OR ON A
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MACHINE IN YOUR BASEMENT,
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NOTHING SAYS I PICKED THE
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DUMBEST WAY TO EXERCISE LIKE
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ROWING.
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THAT'S THE WHITEEST THING YOU
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CAN DO FROM ANTIQUING OR
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STEALING THE INDIAN'S LAND.
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WHERE'S HOBIE WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
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BAYWATCH REFERENCE.
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THIS IS GOING COST DOZENS OF
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INNOCENT LIVES.
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THIS IS TAKING TEN TIMES AS LONG
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AS IT'S SUPPOSED TO.
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JAMES CAMERON MUST BE DIRECTING
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THEM.
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ENOUGH WITH THE SLAPSTICK,
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ABBOTT AND COSTELLO, PEOPLE ARE
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DYING.
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IT LOOKS LIKE OUR COAST GUARD IS
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OFFICIALLY USELESS.
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I GUESS HAVING A RED JACKET
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DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING ANY MORE.
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OUT OF CURIOSITY WHERE DO YOU
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PLAN ON PUTTING THEM IN YOUR
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TWO-MAN DINGY.
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WAIT, THE WATER'S ONLY WAIST
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DEEP?
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EVERYONE'S GOING TO SURVIVE?
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THIS VIDEO SUCKS.
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COULD YOU AT LEAST RESCUE THE
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RESCUE TEAM ON YOUR WALK IN AND
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FOR THAT WE WOULD THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO REDEEM
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BREANNA'S BOO BUT FIRST I THINK
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THE NEXT GUY MAY HAVE HAD ONE
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TOO MANY AT WHICH HE CHILI'S
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TO-GO.
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>> HI, BABY GIRL
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I LOVE YOU MORE THAN THERE ARE
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GRAINS OF SAND ON EVERY BEACH.
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OF EVERY PLANET.
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OF EVERY GALAXY OF THE UNIVERSE.
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YOU MEAN MORE TO ME THAN -- HOME
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DEPOT MEANS TO THEM AND MORE
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THAN GOLDEN DIAMONDS TO THE
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GREEDIEST BURGLAR THE MOST
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PERFECT, BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN ALL
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THE WORLD.
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I HOPE YOU ENJOY WATCHING THIS
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BABY, GIRL.
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>> Tosh: AND YOU THOUGHT ROMANCE
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WAS DEAD.
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NOTHING FOGS UP A GIRL'S THONG
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LIKE DROPPING A HOME DEPOT
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REFERENCE.
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HEY, BABY, AUDIENCE, THAT
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SHIRTLESS SHAKESPEARE'S DOMINICK
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AND HE'S JUST A BOY STANDING IN
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FRONT OF A GIRL WITH ANALOGIES
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UNFORTUNATELY HE PUT IT ON
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YOUTUBE.
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I'M A LITTLE JEALOUS OF HIS
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SWAGGER.
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FOR ME THE HARDEST PART OF
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ROMANCING HIGH SCHOOL CHICKS IS
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BEING 37.
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I MISS THAT MOMENT WHEN YOU LOOK
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INTO HER FATHER'S EYES AND
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REALIZE YOUR SMOOTH MOVES ARE
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BETTER THAN HIS PARENTING.
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LADIES LOVE DUMB STUFF AND
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EASILY SWAYED BY MEANINGLESS
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GESTURE.
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THAT'S WHY ALL DUDES HAVE THE
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SAME TECHNIQUE, IT'S CALLED
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LYING AND DON'T WASTE MONEY ON
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FLOWERS.
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THEY'RE FOR MEXICANS TO PUT ON
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TELEPHONE POLES.
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THESE DAYS ALL YOU NEED ARE WELL
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TIMED EMOJIS.
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I RECOMMEND THE BLUSHING KISSY
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FACE.
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THE ARTISTS SING ABOUT ROMANCE
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TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO PUNCH OR
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PISS DOWN.
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CATCH A GRENADE FOR YOU?
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STEP IN FRONT OF A TRAIN FOR
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YOU?
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BRUNO MARS IS SUICIDAL AND I
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FLEW HIM TO HOLLYWOOD WHERE
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RELATIONSHIPS NEVER LAST.
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THANKS FOR MEETING ME AT
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ABERCROMBIE.
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>> FROM PROBLEM.
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>> Tosh: I LOVE TO POSE HERE.
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>> GET YOUR POSTER OUT OF HERE.
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>> Tosh: ALL RIGHT.
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FIRST QUESTION, IS IT BRIONA OR
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BEANNA.
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>> BRIANNA.
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>> Tosh: WHITE GIRL?
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>> YEAH.
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>> Tosh: OLDER OR YOUNGER?
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>> OLDER BY A FEW MONTHS.
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>> Tosh: NOT INTO THAT.
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WHO POSTED IT ONLINE?
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>> THE FILE SIZE WAS TOO LARGE.
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>> Tosh: YOU WERE RAMBLING SO
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LONG.
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ARE YOU STILL TOGETHER?
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>> NO.
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>> Tosh: WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> IT WENT UNHEALTHY FAST.
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>> Tosh: WERE HEART-BROKEN.
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DID YOU BREAK UP IN PERSON OR
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VIDEO.
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>> FIRST I PROPOSED THE BREAK.
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>> Tosh: THE FAMOUS BREAK AND
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CALLED BY HER AND HER FRIENDS AT
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5:00 IN THE MORNING AND SAID ARE
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WE GOING STAY TOGETHER OR BREAK
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UP AND I SAID IF THIS IS HOW
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IT'S GOING TO BE I CAN'T DO IT.
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>> Tosh: AT THE BEGINNING OF THE
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VIDEO YOU SAY YOU FORGIVE HER.
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>> EVERYTHING'S OKAY.
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I PROMISE.
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I FORGIVE YOU.
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>> SHE LIED TO ME AND STILL
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DIDN'T BELIEVE I FOREGAVE HER.
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>> Tosh: NOW SHE'S UPSET WITH
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YOU BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE
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YOU FOREGAVE HER.
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>> WOMAN LOGIC.
261
00:10:01,033 --> 00:10:02,403
>> Tosh: WELCOME TO THE REST OF
262
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:03,430
YOUR LIFE.
263
00:10:03,433 --> 00:10:04,603
IT NEVER ENDS.
264
00:10:04,600 --> 00:10:06,470
WHY WERE YOU FLINGING BACK AND
265
00:10:06,467 --> 00:10:06,827
FORTH.
266
00:10:06,833 --> 00:10:07,073
.
267
00:10:07,067 --> 00:10:07,867
>> I DON'T KNOW.
268
00:10:07,867 --> 00:10:10,567
>> Tosh: WERE YOU EMBARRASSED?
269
00:10:10,567 --> 00:10:12,067
>> PEOPLE HAD GOOD AND BAD
270
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:13,067
THINGS TO SAY.
271
00:10:13,067 --> 00:10:15,197
>> Tosh: YOU BANNED PEOPLE FROM
272
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,100
THE COMMENTS.
273
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:19,530
>> MY PARENTS MADE ME.
274
00:10:19,533 --> 00:10:21,333
>> Tosh: WHAT KIND OF COMMENTS.
275
00:10:21,333 --> 00:10:23,573
>> FUTURE RAPIST RIGHT HERE OR
276
00:10:23,567 --> 00:10:24,797
SCREECH, THAT'S WHY YOU'VE BEEN
277
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,230
AND THE CREATIVE COMMENTS.
278
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:29,603
SOMEONE SAID IF YOU WERE TO GET
279
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,500
A FUDGE SICKLE YOU'D FIND PIECES
280
00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:33,300
OF BRIANNA IN THE FREEZER.
281
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:34,630
>> Tosh: YEAH, IT MAKES SENSE TO
282
00:10:34,633 --> 00:10:36,003
SHUT IT DOWN AT SOME POINT.
283
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,500
HAVE YOU CHEATED ON A
284
00:10:37,500 --> 00:10:38,400
SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
285
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:39,170
>> I HAVE NOT.
286
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:40,297
I'VE BEEN CHEATED ON.
287
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:41,070
MANY TIMES.
288
00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:42,467
>> Tosh: MANY TIMES?
289
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,867
>> EVERY GIRL ENDS YOU HAVE
290
00:10:43,867 --> 00:10:44,927
CHEATING ON ME.
291
00:10:44,933 --> 00:10:46,203
>> Tosh: GIRLS LIKE SOMEONE OVER
292
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:46,800
POSSESSIVE.
293
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:48,530
WHEN YOU START DATING GET THE
294
00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:50,133
PASS CODE.
295
00:10:50,133 --> 00:10:52,173
CHECK THEIR E-MAILS, TEXES,
296
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:53,367
THAT'S WHAT I DO EVERY DAY.
297
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:56,127
IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON AND FIND
298
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,473
THE NEXT BRIANNA.
299
00:10:57,467 --> 00:10:59,097
I KNOW JUST THE PLACE.
300
00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:00,100
>> REALLY?
301
00:11:00,100 --> 00:11:01,070
>> Tosh: YEAH.
302
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:02,627
SEE ME DOING SEXY VOICE?
303
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:15,833
I'M LEARNING.
304
00:11:15,833 --> 00:11:22,103
I HAVE THREE BEAUTIFUL BASH
305
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:22,700
BACHELORETTES.
306
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:25,700
>> SHE HAS HER OWN TWERK VIDEOS
307
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:27,630
AND A SWEET TOOTH WITH WHITE
308
00:11:27,633 --> 00:11:28,273
CHOCOLATE.
309
00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:30,127
BRIANNA NUMBER ONE.
310
00:11:30,133 --> 00:11:32,603
THE SECOND BACHELORETTE HAS A
311
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:36,470
TEMPER WHO SPENT THE PAST TEN
312
00:11:36,467 --> 00:11:37,667
YEARS IN A CORRECTIONAL
313
00:11:37,667 --> 00:11:38,267
FACILITY.
314
00:11:38,267 --> 00:11:39,667
BRIANNA NUMBER TWO.
315
00:11:39,667 --> 00:11:41,767
THE THIRD BACHELORETTE IS A
316
00:11:41,767 --> 00:11:47,267
STYLISH BEAUTY WITH A SECRET.
317
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:50,067
OUR BACHELOR IS A TWEEN LOOKING
318
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:52,597
FOR THAT SPECIAL LADY TO MEND
319
00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,730
HIS BROKEN HEART.
320
00:11:54,733 --> 00:11:56,403
>> Tosh: LADIES, SAY HELLO TO
321
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:57,600
OUR BACHELOR.
322
00:11:57,600 --> 00:11:58,970
>> HI, DOMINICK.
323
00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:00,067
>> Tosh: THEY SOUND SEXY.
324
00:12:00,067 --> 00:12:01,167
DO YOU HAVE YOUR QUESTIONS READY
325
00:12:01,167 --> 00:12:01,597
TO GO?
326
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:02,300
>> I DO.
327
00:12:02,300 --> 00:12:03,230
>> Tosh: LET'S BEGIN.
328
00:12:03,233 --> 00:12:05,473
>> I SAID I WOULD GIVE UP FOOD
329
00:12:05,467 --> 00:12:07,597
OR WATER TO BE WITH MY EX.
330
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,230
WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP?
331
00:12:09,233 --> 00:12:11,233
>> MY BACKDOOR FOR YOU.
332
00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:14,603
THAT'S MY [BLEEP].
333
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:16,100
>> Tosh: YOU KNOW HE'S 15.
334
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:18,130
>> WHAT WOULD YOU GIVE UP,
335
00:12:18,133 --> 00:12:20,073
BRIANNA NUMBER 3.
336
00:12:20,067 --> 00:12:21,267
>> THERE'S THIS THICK THING I
337
00:12:21,267 --> 00:12:23,067
WOULD LOVE TO GIVE UP.
338
00:12:23,067 --> 00:12:24,567
>> Tosh: MAYBE YOU SHOULD
339
00:12:24,567 --> 00:12:25,827
ANYWAY.
340
00:12:25,833 --> 00:12:30,373
>> BRIANNA 2, DESCRIBE BRIANNA
341
00:12:30,367 --> 00:12:31,097
NUMBER 1.
342
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:33,330
>> SHE LOOKS LIKE BRIANNA NUMBER
343
00:12:33,333 --> 00:12:34,433
3 WITHOUT A [BLEEP].
344
00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:35,673
>> Tosh: WELL, HAVE YOU MADE
345
00:12:35,667 --> 00:12:36,397
YOUR DECISION?
346
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:37,270
>> I HAVE.
347
00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:39,827
>> Tosh: DON'T KEEP US WAITING.
348
00:12:39,833 --> 00:12:41,133
WHO'S IT GONNA BE?
349
00:12:41,133 --> 00:12:43,103
>> BRIANNA NUMBER 2.
350
00:12:43,100 --> 00:12:47,400
>> Tosh: BRIANNA NUMBER 2.
351
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:48,900
DOMINICK YOU COULDN'T HAVE GONE
352
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:50,570
WRONG BUT LET'S SEE WHO YOU
353
00:12:50,567 --> 00:12:52,527
MISSED OUT ON.
354
00:12:52,533 --> 00:13:01,333
SHE'S A CURVACIOUS BEAUTY.
355
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:05,933
>> IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A BRIANNA
356
00:13:05,933 --> 00:13:07,533
SANDWICH, CALL ME.
357
00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:08,833
>> Tosh: ARE YOU KICK YOURSELF
358
00:13:08,833 --> 00:13:09,333
YET?
359
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:10,933
>> NOT YET.
360
00:13:10,933 --> 00:13:15,573
>> Tosh: THIS BACHELORETTE
361
00:13:15,567 --> 00:13:17,067
WOULDN'T GET MAD AT YOU FOR
362
00:13:17,067 --> 00:13:19,227
LEAVING THE TOILET SEAT UP.
363
00:13:19,233 --> 00:13:20,933
BRIANNA NUMBER 3.
364
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:22,433
ALL RIGHT, DOMINICK, READY TO
365
00:13:22,433 --> 00:13:26,473
MEET THE LUCKY LADY YOU CHOSE?
366
00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:27,227
>> I AM.
367
00:13:27,233 --> 00:13:28,873
>> Tosh: SHE LIKES TO GIVE
368
00:13:28,867 --> 00:13:30,597
HERSELF TATTOOS AND SAYS THE
369
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:33,070
WORSE PART OF BEING IN JAIL IS
370
00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,067
HOW THEY KEEP IT ON LOCKDOWN,
371
00:13:35,067 --> 00:13:36,697
PLEASE WELCOME, BRIANNA NUMBER
372
00:13:36,700 --> 00:13:38,230
2.
373
00:13:38,233 --> 00:13:39,073
GET IN THERE.
374
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:44,427
OH, YEAH.
375
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:47,773
THE LUCKY COUPLE IS GOING TO
376
00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:48,597
POUND TOWN.
377
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,970
>> YOU'LL BE GOING TO KNOTTS
378
00:13:52,967 --> 00:13:54,427
BERRY FARM.
379
00:13:54,433 --> 00:13:56,103
CALIFORNIA'S BEST AMUSEMENT PARK
380
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:59,070
AND A DINNER AT ROUND TABLE
381
00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,427
PIZZA WHERE YOU'LL ENJOY GOURMET
382
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:04,833
PIZZA AND AIRFARE AND HOTEL
383
00:14:04,833 --> 00:14:05,973
ADOMINATIONS NOT INCLUDED.
384
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:09,597
>> Tosh: FOR ALL OF US ON DATING
385
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:15,900
GAME POINT-O.
386
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:16,600
GOOD NIGHT.
387
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:19,830
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ABOUT BRINGING
388
00:14:19,833 --> 00:14:22,103
PALE WOMEN TOGETHER.
389
00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:25,200
>> THAT WHITE GIRL DON'T KNOW
390
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:30,070
WHAT SHE'S MISSING.
391
00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:36,867
>> TAKE THE CONDOM, PUT IT ON
392
00:14:36,867 --> 00:14:38,197
THE OTHER PATCH AND COCK THE GUN
393
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,770
LIKE THIS.
394
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:46,297
NOW YOU CAN APPLY THE CONDOM.
395
00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,870
>> Tosh: NOTHING KEEPS ME
396
00:14:47,867 --> 00:14:49,897
AROUSED LIKE A WOMAN I BARELY
397
00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:54,800
KNOW POINTING A HOMEMADE GUN AT
398
00:14:54,800 --> 00:14:55,630
MY JUNK.
399
00:14:55,633 --> 00:14:57,873
BILL GATES THE WORLD'S RICHEST
400
00:14:57,867 --> 00:14:59,697
DUDES HATES CONDOMS SO MUCH HE'S
401
00:14:59,700 --> 00:15:01,530
WILLING TO GIVE $100,000 OF HIS
402
00:15:01,533 --> 00:15:03,073
OWN MONEY TO WHATEVER CAN INVENT
403
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:04,697
A BETTER CONDOM.
404
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,670
I CERTAINLY DON'T NEED $100,000
405
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:08,067
BUT I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING
406
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:10,597
$400,000 AND I CAME UP WITH FOUR
407
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,330
IDEAS EACH MORE IMPRESSIVE THAN
408
00:15:12,333 --> 00:15:13,403
WHAT'S CURRENTLY ON THE CONDOM
409
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:14,500
MARKET.
410
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:17,700
MY FIRST IDEA PRETTY SIMPLE,
411
00:15:17,700 --> 00:15:21,130
EVERYONE LOVES SPORTS TOP WATER
412
00:15:21,133 --> 00:15:21,533
BOTTLES.
413
00:15:21,533 --> 00:15:23,633
WE'LL PUT THAT TECHNOLOGY ON THE
414
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:25,773
HEAD OF YOUR PENIS.
415
00:15:25,767 --> 00:15:27,267
YOU'RE THINK FINALLY A SPORTS
416
00:15:27,267 --> 00:15:29,297
CAP SHE'LL WANT TO OPEN WITH HER
417
00:15:29,300 --> 00:15:29,870
TEETH.
418
00:15:29,867 --> 00:15:31,467
YOU CAN LEAVE IT OPEN TO PEE AND
419
00:15:31,467 --> 00:15:33,497
BREATHE AND WHEN YOU BLAST THE
420
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,070
POO NANI YOU POP IT DOWN AND
421
00:15:36,067 --> 00:15:39,597
ZERO CHANCES MUCH PREGNANCY AND
422
00:15:39,600 --> 00:15:40,370
DISHWASHER SAFE.
423
00:15:40,367 --> 00:15:42,197
BOOM, $100,000.
424
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,700
OF COURSE IT WILL BE SOLD
425
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,570
EXCLUSIVELY AT DICK'S SPORTING
426
00:15:45,567 --> 00:15:46,127
GOODS.
427
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:48,073
THE NEXT IDEA IS THE
428
00:15:48,067 --> 00:15:49,097
PLEASURE-FREE CONDOM.
429
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,400
IT'S CONSTRUCTED FROM THICK
430
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:52,070
TENNIS BALL RUBBER SO YOU WON'T
431
00:15:52,067 --> 00:15:52,697
FEEL A THING.
432
00:15:52,700 --> 00:15:54,930
IN FACT YOU DON'T EVEN NEED AN
433
00:15:54,933 --> 00:15:55,573
ERECTION.
434
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:57,967
STICK IT ON AND GO TO TOWN AND
435
00:15:57,967 --> 00:15:59,627
FUZZY, SMELLS GREAT AND COMES IN
436
00:15:59,633 --> 00:16:01,933
A COOL PRESSURIZED CAN.
437
00:16:01,933 --> 00:16:03,373
IT'S TESTED POORLY WITH WOMEN,
438
00:16:03,367 --> 00:16:05,197
WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
439
00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:07,700
GIVE ME $100,000.
440
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,530
NEXT, I'VE PARTNERED UP WITH THE
441
00:16:09,533 --> 00:16:13,303
FOLKS AT RAIN-X TO DISCOVER A
442
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:16,130
SPACE-AGE LUBRICATING GEL TO
443
00:16:16,133 --> 00:16:18,503
PROTECT FROM DISEASE AND COATS
444
00:16:18,500 --> 00:16:20,900
THE UTERUS AND GUARANTEED TO
445
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:22,730
MAKE THE SEMEN WICK AWAY.
446
00:16:22,733 --> 00:16:27,473
ANOTHER $100,000.
447
00:16:27,467 --> 00:16:30,667
THE FINAL IS MORE INVOLVED.
448
00:16:30,667 --> 00:16:35,167
WE KNOW THE BEST CONDOM IS NO
449
00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:39,767
CONDOM AND THERE'S A RAIL ROAD
450
00:16:39,767 --> 00:16:43,367
SWITCH TO IN THE VAS DEFERENS
451
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:46,897
THAT REROUTES THE EJACULATE.
452
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:49,270
IT COMES THROUGH YOUR PORES.
453
00:16:49,267 --> 00:16:51,067
WHAT IF YOU HAVE A BASKETBALL
454
00:16:51,067 --> 00:16:53,097
GAME IN TWO HOURS?
455
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:54,070
PERFECT.
456
00:16:54,067 --> 00:16:56,227
NO ONE WILL WANT TO D YOU UP AND
457
00:16:56,233 --> 00:16:57,833
EVENS UP THE PLAYING FIELD
458
00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:00,103
BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN AND NOW
459
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:01,230
NEITHER WILL BE CERTAIN THE
460
00:17:01,233 --> 00:17:03,303
OTHER DIDN'T FAKE IT.
461
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:04,370
I [BLEEP].
462
00:17:04,367 --> 00:17:08,167
AND DON'T THINK I'LL WASTE THIS
463
00:17:08,167 --> 00:17:13,127
$400,000 BILL'S GIVING ME I'LL
464
00:17:13,133 --> 00:17:17,203
INVENT IT ON R AND D TO REDUCE
465
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:19,630
THE STENCH DURING ASS PLAY.
466
00:17:19,633 --> 00:17:23,633
I SHOWED YOU AN INSANE PERSON
467
00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:25,233
BEING ASKED WHAT'S YOUR NAME AND
468
00:17:25,233 --> 00:17:27,073
I ASKED TO FOR VIDEOS AND I JUST
469
00:17:27,067 --> 00:17:30,227
WANT TO KNOW, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
470
00:17:30,233 --> 00:17:32,373
>> WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
471
00:17:32,367 --> 00:17:34,427
>> MY NAME, LET ME TELL YOU MY
472
00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:34,803
NAME.
473
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,670
I'M CONFUSED.
474
00:17:35,667 --> 00:17:38,827
I NEVER WENT TO SCHOOL, RIGHT.
475
00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:40,973
DOES A CONFUSED PERSON GET A
476
00:17:40,967 --> 00:17:41,767
RESOLUTION.
477
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:43,197
>> WHEN DO YOU LIKE THAT YOU
478
00:17:43,200 --> 00:17:44,300
HAVE A CROSS.
479
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:44,930
TWO STICKS.
480
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:47,433
RIGHT.
481
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,073
THAT'S HOW I FELT WHEN I WAS IN
482
00:17:50,067 --> 00:17:50,627
WATERLOO.
483
00:17:50,633 --> 00:17:53,173
>> BECAUSE WHEN I WALKED IN
484
00:17:53,167 --> 00:17:54,467
WATERLOO AND SMILED AT PEOPLE
485
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:58,127
THEY TREATED ME LIKE A VAMPIRE.
486
00:17:58,133 --> 00:18:01,733
>> IN TORONTO, OKAY, HI, GUYS,
487
00:18:01,733 --> 00:18:05,673
STEVE, SPERO, YOU KNOW ME, EASY
488
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:06,127
GOING.
489
00:18:06,133 --> 00:18:08,133
THOSE WHO KNOW ME, I'M A NOBODY.
490
00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:09,903
>> YOU CAN'T KILL A PERSON WITH
491
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,330
NO BODY.
492
00:18:12,333 --> 00:18:14,403
>> SO WHY AM I AFRAID?
493
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:15,570
I'M NOT AFRAID.
494
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,497
I'M AFRAID OF THE BOOGEY MAN.
495
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,100
WHO'S THE BOOGEY MAN?
496
00:18:19,100 --> 00:18:20,470
YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
497
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:24,367
>> I'M GOING BACK TO THE
498
00:18:24,367 --> 00:18:25,227
MINISTRY.
499
00:18:25,233 --> 00:18:29,773
[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
500
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:31,967
>> I'M NOT GOING TO RAISE MY
501
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:32,667
VOICE.
502
00:18:32,667 --> 00:18:44,897
>> Tosh: THANKS FOR THE FREE
503
00:18:44,900 --> 00:18:47,700
>> Tosh: WELCOME BACK.
504
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:50,300
HOW MANY APRIL SHOWERS HAVE YOU
505
00:18:50,300 --> 00:18:50,770
TAKEN?
506
00:18:50,767 --> 00:18:52,067
I'M AT 16.
507
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:55,067
ON NEXT WEEK'S EPISODE I
508
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,767
GAINFULLY EMPLOY A GIRL THAT WAS
509
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:57,967
TOO HOT.
510
00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:59,327
>> IMAGINE BEING FIRED FOR BEING
511
00:18:59,333 --> 00:19:00,203
TOO SEXY.
512
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,830
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS HAPPENED TO
513
00:19:01,833 --> 00:19:02,273
HER.
514
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:03,197
>> I'M DEVASTATED.
515
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:04,300
I REALLY AM.
516
00:19:04,300 --> 00:19:06,670
>> Tosh: WE MAY HAVE TO CANCEL
517
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:09,097
THE REDEMPTION DEPENDING ON HOW
518
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:10,700
BEAUTIFUL SHE IS THAT DAY.
519
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:12,470
REMEMBER IF ONLY 12 MILLION MORE
520
00:19:12,467 --> 00:19:15,127
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER I'LL BE
521
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,933
TIED WITH SHAKIRA.
522
00:19:17,933 --> 00:19:19,773
AND MY BLOG WAS NOMINATED FOR A
523
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:20,867
WEBBY AWARD.
524
00:19:20,867 --> 00:19:30,167
I BETTER GET MY TUX PRESSED.
525
00:19:30,167 --> 00:19:33,067
COME SEE ME ON THE JUNE GLOOM
526
00:19:33,067 --> 00:19:35,567
TOUR WITH JARROD CARMICHAEL.
527
00:19:35,567 --> 00:19:36,367
THAT'S NOT JARROD.
528
00:19:36,367 --> 00:19:37,767
THAT'S AN EMOTIONAL SCENE FROM
529
00:19:37,767 --> 00:19:38,797
LAKE HOUSE.
530
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:41,570
IF I TOLD YOU IN 2013 THERE WAS
531
00:19:41,567 --> 00:19:44,797
A TOWN IN GEORGIA WITH
532
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:46,170
SEGREGATED PROMS YOU'D PROBABLY
533
00:19:46,167 --> 00:19:47,897
SAY, ONLY ONE?
534
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,930
SHAME ON YOU, WILCOX COUNTY HIGH
535
00:19:50,933 --> 00:19:51,503
SCHOOL.
536
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:52,700
THANKFULLY THIS YEAR SOME
537
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,670
STUDENTS WHO I ASSUME ARE
538
00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:57,327
HEAVY-SET WHITE GIRLS ARE
539
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,473
INDEPENDENT ORGANIZING THEIR OWN
540
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:00,797
INTERGRATED PROM OR AS THE REST
541
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:02,400
OF THE WORLD CALLS IT, PROM.
542
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,430
I SAY INTERGRATING HIGH SCHOOL
543
00:20:04,433 --> 00:20:05,933
PROM ISN'T FAR ENOUGH.
544
00:20:05,933 --> 00:20:09,903
HOW ABOUT WE GET RID OF SEPARATE
545
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:13,470
BATHROOMS FOR BOYS AND GIRLS AND
546
00:20:13,467 --> 00:20:16,297
GAYS AND STRAIGHTS SHARE
547
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:17,570
DRESSING ROOMS AND THE ONLY WAY
548
00:20:17,567 --> 00:20:20,527
TO A-ACHIEVE GENDER AQUALITY IS
549
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:22,473
TO START CRAPPING IN FRONT OF
550
00:20:22,467 --> 00:20:25,397
EACH OTHER AND SEPARATING KIDS
551
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:27,730
BASE YEAR THEY WERE BORN IS THE
552
00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,973
BIGGEST AGEISM THERE IS IS AND
553
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,827
WHY ARE WE KEEPING HONOR
554
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:36,233
STUDENTS FROM SPECIAL ED KIDS,
555
00:20:36,233 --> 00:20:39,733
THE SAME ROOM SO THE GIFTED CAN
556
00:20:39,733 --> 00:20:43,333
HELP THE DROOLING AND ALL
557
00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,403
CAFETERIA FOOD SHOULD BE SLOPPED
558
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:47,170
TOGETHER ON A PARTITIONLESS TRAY
559
00:20:47,167 --> 00:20:49,797
AND DON'T STOP THERE,
560
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:50,730
HOME-SCHOOLED STUDENTS SHOULD
561
00:20:50,733 --> 00:20:52,273
NOT BE ANCHORED BY THEIR DUMB
562
00:20:52,267 --> 00:20:53,767
STAY AT HOME MOM'S LACK OF
563
00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:55,027
EDUCATION, THEY SHOULD BE ABLE
564
00:20:55,033 --> 00:20:57,003
TO GO TO ANY HOME THEY WANT IN
565
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,230
THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD.
566
00:20:58,233 --> 00:21:00,073
JUST RING THE DOOR BELL AND BE
567
00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:02,727
PREPARED TO LEARN.
568
00:21:02,733 --> 00:21:05,073
GOOD NIGHT, WHITES.
569
00:21:05,067 --> 00:21:06,327
GOOD NIGHT, BLACKS.
570
00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,733
TO HELL WITH YOU GREEN AND
571
00:21:07,733 --> 00:21:10,203
PURPLE PEOPLE.
572
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:18,630
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
573
00:21:18,633 --> 00:21:20,073
>> Tosh: I [BLEEP]ED MY PANTS ON
574
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:21,127
A DATE ONCE.
575
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:23,603
IT WAS AN AWFUL SCENARIO BUT SHE
576
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,430
STAYED WITH ME.
577
00:21:24,433 --> 00:21:25,273
THAT'S LOVE.
578
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:27,867
WHAT ABOUT JUST BEING SINGLE.
36499
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